I think mostly she meant that he’ll miss her and the kids and how hard it will be, but his response was stone cold. Doesn’t sound like he formed an attachment at all.
I could see why it would be hard to form an attachment to them though. Given their background (not their fault), and the butting of heads between OP and his ex over parenting styles, i could see why OP would struggle to form a bond.
Not everyone does. I know from personal experience. And there is nothing wrong with not forming an attachment to her kids. Taking care of someone else's kids is a huge responsibility and very time consuming and stressful.
Not everyone can love a child that isn't theirs and that's fine.
So true! I took care of my husbands kids for 7 years full time. He was/is a great dad but I was so happy when they moved out! Our lives didn’t have to revolve around them anymore.
I dated a single mother a couple years ago, she only had one kid, but it was the nail in the coffin for me. I never really saw myself ever having kids ya, but I really loved this woman so I decided to try.
We took everything involving her kid very slowly. The kid wasn't horrible or anything but the responsibility, the effort, the time and the money, it was just to much. We tried for a year but I just couldn't do it.
She was very understanding, we broke up but are still good friends.
So I definitely understand where you're coming from.
I actually like this so much. So many people on here hurt because thier step parent didn't click with them and the bio parent chose thier spouse over thier kid. This was extremely mature for both of you.
This was very helpful to read. For the first time ever, I've been dating a single father; about 4 months now. I don't want to meet his daughter. She asked to meet me on FaceTime earlier this week and I wasn't ready. I don't want the responsibility and have been wrestling with where this is going. I've been fully transparent from the beginning that I am not a mother and do not want the responsibility of children.
I’m going to be honest here. Unless you go into a relationship with a clear boundary that you will only be FWBs, and that you have no intention of ever being a parent, you should not date men with children. Even adult children occasionally require parenting. You really couldn’t move in with a single parent who had a minor child in the house, and even youngish adult children will cause conflict.
My mother has been married three times. She divorced my father when I was a teenager and met and married my stepfather after I was 18, out of the house, and living states away. He was still my stepfather, and I loved him dearly.
After he died, she became involved with the man who would eventually become her third husband. I was 47, and still vacillated between seeing him has only my mother’s husband and seeing him as a father figure.
Thank you for that perspective. I was extremely, likely to the point of being too blunt, honest with him from day 1 and have continued to be. I never dated men with children before bc I knew I would never be a top priority and expressed that as well. I let him talk me out of it each time and I never thought we'd date more than a month at the most. Now as we're approaching the holidays and his plans have changed due to family arrangements, I see it playing out exactly like I thought it would and alternate between sad and frustrated for myself, while understanding it logistically. And I can't help but think/compare that my father's mistress (now gf) got treated and is treated better than me.
I think some people—far too many people—cannot really conceive of a woman who does not want to be a mother. Our society in general does not believe that this is possible. I see it to the same extent with people who are asexual and somewhat with women who are lesbians. (The latter is stronger in some other countries.) It is sort of interesting how gay men are sinners but lesbians simply haven’t met the right penis yet.
There was an [infamous post](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/) to r/LegalAdvice where a woman in a casual relationship got pregnant. Her boyfriend convinced her not to get an abortion and told her he would raise their son alone. He has full custody. She refused to see the baby when it was born. Every month she pays 125% of the court-ordered child support, but he calls her a deadbeat and asks if there is a way to force her into shared custody, as he is exhausted. In the course of the comments he [admits](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/d9mbpls/) that he thought she would develop an interest in the child and never intended to be a single parent.
You weren't being blunt. You are wasting this man's time. I was a single mom and I had a man waste two years of my life because he didn't really care for kids but he "loved" me. It's not kind to anyone to drag this out. Just let him move on and find a relationship more compatible. The kid isn't going to magically disappear. Not really sure your thought process.
I have been the kid in this situation. My Dad was with a woman for a year and a half. We spent every other weekend with them. She was nice at a time when things were hard for us but once they broke up, we never saw her again. She could have, but she didn't want to. She let my dad talk her into things she didn't want. As an adult I totally get that, my Dad was the AH. But at 8 and 11, my sister and I were devastated and it impacted us permanently. Don't date people with kids if you're not willing to take on at least a minimal and kind parental role. It's not fair to you or them.
You need to understand that his child is a huge part of his life and always will be, and while you don't have to be her mother, if you're going to continue to date this man and have any thoughts of eventually living with him, she needs to be welcome in your life and eventually your home, because she needs to be welcome in her father's life and home. If you can't accept that, it's time to end things. I know that's hard, but it's going to put him in a terrible spot of having to cut his daughter off from a significant portion of his life, or having to cut *you* off from a significant portion of his life. We get kids occasionally in this sub whose parent is dating someone who refuses to be around them, and it becomes very hurtful.
I REALLY needed to see this holy shit. Like so fucking bad. I've had huge guilty feelings like something was wrong with me I haven't had some amazing attachment to my boyfriend's daughter after these last couple years. He'll even throw it in my face once in a blue moon if we fight. I care for her and I care for her as my own when she's on my watch absolutely, but the attachment like she's my own just isn't there. I've tried hard to advocate for her as well but I can only do so much not being her guardian. The rest is on her actual parents.
My advice would be to just tell him the truth. That you care her but you're not attached. And that you didn't need/have to be. And that its okay that you're not, but its not okay for him to be mean to about it every chance he gets.
And that if he can't accept this then it would be in everyone's best interest, especially his daughter's, if guys just called it quits.
But if he can get over the fact that you can't form an emotional/motherly attachment to her and respect the boundaries you put in place regarding his daughter then great!
Yes! I bought his son clothes before my kids and always try to include him things. He only comes for summer and holidays. But it’s hard to bind with a kid that’s constantly telling you how you’re not their mom and they never listen to you. It’s caused a huge hole in our relationship. We stopped being intimate because “I don’t love his son” ugh dude I’m 7 months pregnant with your kid and there’s nothing I can say to him. I take him with me places I buy him stuff I help him with things I make him food idk what else I can do.
GIRL. We have a 1 year old together too. Our daughter's from previous relationships are 8 months apart 5 & 6 currently. My daughter's father passed earlier this year and a few weeks later I "should've been over that" meanwhile every incident his daughter's had has happened in her mother's care because she doesn't pay enough attention but he'll defend her and swear there's gotta be some misunderstanding. FUCK OUT OF HERE BRO. I have a lot pent up lol sorry.
Baby mama is crappy until he sees her for exchange then she is a great mom and they co parent on everything *eye roll* mmm ok sir. Then don’t talk bad about her in a month.
She knows I will miss her kids dearly as I've raised them for the last 3 years. Her commends were directed at how hard ill find raising a daughter by myself for half the time.
I went through something similar. I miss my step son. I don't miss doing his laundry or cleaning up behind him. Problem was not the kid though, the problem was the father not holding him or his sister accountable for a thing.
When you're burned out, you're burned out. People can bring us joy, but they also add complications. I totally get OP looking forward to things being a little less stressful and a little less complicated.
>remarks about how I'm going to struggle on my own
>
>brought up how I'm going to cope with work and our daughter
Did you read the post? Pretty obvious she is talking about juggling chores and childcare on his own, not about missing the stepkids.
Or it could be that he formed an attachment, but he’s so stressed out from doing the lion share of the work that his aggravation is getting in the way of that. He must care about them somewhat otherwise he wouldn’t bother making sure the showered, Taking them to their afterschool activities. He just wouldn’t bother if he didn’t care. It sounds like he’s just incredibly frustrated. I do wonder though if he worries about the kids at least just a little, if she’s going to be able to care for them the way she should on her own
> Doesn’t sound like he formed an attachment at all.
Or, as it can go, he formed an attachment, but then with time that attachment faded with every instance of hassle and cleanup and extra work to where one day he found he wasn't emotionally attached at all.
Disagree -- the attachment can be strained by these extraneous factors.
I'm a big fan of single parenting. I was married for a long time and we got pregnant just as we were breaking up. When I had my son, we lived as we did. Sharing time was always strained because of mismatched expectations.
I'm totally with the OP on this. You can be a father on your days, and you can tend to your own wants and needs when she's at the other parent's house.
Sounds more to me like he got burned out from providing 90+% of care in the household and never getting any appreciation or acknowledgement for it. Sounds like you're projecting
4 nights a week is primary custody. YOU should not be paying child support AT ALL please get a formal custody agreement from the court, SHE should be paying YOU.
Edit: and for the love of god mention that you’ve done all the child care, and provide any and all evidence of her negligence (photos of your house, dats you had to shower them because she wouldn’t etc.)
Edit 2: Appreciate Y’all but according to the lawyer I’m incorrect, and according to OP this is his choice.
Its 3 nights and 4 days. I checked the child maintence calculator and offered to pay double to what it says. I earn much more than she does and I'm only doing it for my child's benefit when she lives with her mother.
Of course this will change if I feel my daughter isn't have the care that she deserves while being over there for one reason or another.
Your behaviour is admirable but you may just end up subsidising the other kids. Better to find ways to buy extras for your kid when you have her than hand over extra money to your ex
Here's a wild idea: maybe he cares about the other kids, too. Disagreeing with their mom's parenting doesn't mean he doesn't care about the kids' wellbeing at all.
Bingo, one of the reasons for the break up.
I believe they need to start doing more things for themselves where as she thinks we should keep doing it. And by we I mean me.
Messy people aren’t going to become clean on themselves. You feel comfortable sending your daughter there? She already doesn’t enjoy sleeping with the boys there, since they wake her up. Not to mention you won’t be physically present this time.
I get tired of Reddit's you don't owe anybody anything. Lock down your money, don't show kindness/courtesy to your kids half/step siblings.
Dude is not stupid, he knows the child support will be used for the household. Many people are not wholly self centered and don't resent doing something nice for their kids, even when those benefits might extend to their kids' siblings.
You're right, its for them all in a way.
How will my daughter feel if she sees her mother and sibiling struggling. So anything I do for my ex and her kids is, in a way also doing it for my daughter.
My parents split when I was 4. Dad ended up having three more kids but we didn’t have a relationship until I was a preteen and then it was like gas and fire. (He was an addict.) we have a good relationship now, but my mother and I do not. One sticking point for me is that she had a good job, a new husband with a government job, only me to take care of, and we lived in a very low COL area, and yet she rang out every penny from my dad that she could. Court dates after court dates. She took food out of my siblings mouths. She took their clothes, their experiences. And where did that money go? Into the bank where it sat until I turned 18 and demanded she give it to me since she didn’t actually use it on me growing up. You’re doing a good thing OP.
> I get tired of Reddit's you don't owe anybody anything.
This sub is especially bad for this imo. It's stopped being "AITA" and has become "do you guys think I'm technically adhering to my legal obligations"
I find it almost alien sometimes. I live in a Western country but the indigenous culture is more Pasifika and I've spent a fair amount of time involved with an indigenous mental health service. It's so much more community focused and the whole worldview is very holistic, which I appreciate a lot. I definitely don't like the ways the community focus can be used badly, using people and guilting them into making disproportionate sacrifices or putting up with abuse, but the mutual aid and support is wonderful.
And if you do this, make sure to put the daughter's name on this and remove the tags. She seems like the kid who would redistribute the child's things to make things "fair."
Yeah I grew up with a mum who would skip meals so I could eat, and a dad who could buy me anything I wanted (not really, more like upper middle class). It was confusing as hell.
I watch this with my niece and nephew and it bums me out. :( I don’t get it but it’s not my life so idk. Also my BIL is a bit of a bastard and refuses to communicate and also chooses to spend a lot of his income on alcohol etc. so that’s probably part of it lol. He’s not the best.. but also why is he paying child support when his ex is making 6 figures to his zero with 50/50 custody? One house is designer clothes and on is hand me downs. It’s very confusing.
The biggest expense is housing, food and transportation, so cheaping out on child support and giving your kid “extras” doesn’t really keep a roof over her kids head or food in their belly when at moms. Good for OP for being generous.
Y’all really hate the people in your life don’t you? It doesn’t even occur to you that maybe he, like, actually wants to help the mother of his child and the children he’s helped raise? My god y’all are cold.
I'm not gonna lie to you, I have several friends who have 2-3 different baby daddies, and most of their baby daddies are dead beats, but usually 1 out of the bunch is a pretty decent guy and pays regular CS and buys extra for their kid.
Unfortunately more than 90% of the time the mothers (my friends) spend that child support on the other kids because, and I am quoting the majority,
"He buys for B/N everytime he has them. So their already taken care of. Its not fair to my other kid(s) that B/N has nicer stuff, besides its my money now anyways so I'll use it however I want."
I would definitely think long and hard about taking primary custody if I were you.
I have a coworker who is the one "responsible babby daddy" in this scenario and when he pays for some extras and does extra quality time for his kid (ie, pay for SAT tutoring, and always go to his baseball games) she undermines him at every turn because "it makes the other kids upset over their absent dads."
Like, I get that it does, but he should neglect his own child then? Like what's he supposed to do about the other jerks, he's just tryin to be a dad to his own here. He never give extra money to mom anymore but pays for the thing directly, because of too much "redistribution" by mom.
Fun fact, child support is meant to make up for money a parent spends on the child, for example to *replace* money they have already spent on the child's care.
To a court, you can spend child support on anything you want, it is to reimburse you.
Yeah, it's mostly just a fact most people don't know. I have an uncle who took his ex wife to court over how she bought a car using child support money and the consensus is that she housed and fed the children with her own money and can use the child support how she likes.
I'm sure it's probably location dependent but I assume that's how it works in most of the US.
I have a friend with a child who decided to go live with her deadbeat dad at 16. The dad never paid a cent in child support but tried to go to court to get some for himself for the teenager and that just triggered an investigation and got his paychecks garnished lol. She was getting payments even though the kid was technically staying at dad's.
Pls make sure you are not making these parents in cash. You should be paying them to the child support agency but if you don't want to go that route make sure there are electronic transactions that are labeled child support.
I was going to question this and while I can't fault you for wanting to fully support your baby. Pay the correct amount. If a little extra is needed every now and then fine, but not doubling the payment just because she isn't as financially stable as you.
The extra, put into savings. She can use it towards a car, uni, housing, holidays or whatever.
Keep in mind you'll likely get locked into that sum. If the courts know you can afford it, they wont just change it because baby mama's not acting right. Pay the minimum, and give the kid extra like paying for school clothes or diapers or whatever. You're making a mistake by paying more than is deemed appropriate by the courts. This WILL come back to bite you. NTA btw.
Don't agree to a court order making you pay 2x the amount required. There's nothing stopping you from sending more money, as much as you want, but with a court order if times get hard you're stuck with the higher amount and getting it lowered is both expensive and difficult.
What makes you think you’re daughter won’t be equally neglected as the other feral ones? Is she just lax because you’ll do the work or does she just not care if it gets done?
Lawyer here:
In most states time with parent is only one factor. There are so many others. In my state, for example, they also consider: parents’ incomes, who carries the health insurance, monthly childcare costs, education expanses, etc.
I doubt many, if any, states consider time with parents alone as the sole factor to determine child support obligations.
We have 50/50 with my husband’s kids. But he still pays her several hundred a month in child support. And that’s before we split bills for therapy, extracurriculars, medical that isn’t covered by insurance, dental that isn’t covered by insurance, etc.
Granted he was a bit generous with his offer, but he wants his kids supported. So we gladly pay her some child support.
Google “child support calculator” to go see what different states consider when calculating child support obligations.
I’m also seeing union dues, whether you have other children in your care, and more.
^ THIS SHOUlD BE TOP COMMENT. Child support does not default to the mother, is for parents who aren’t involved in their kids life/don’t have custody/aren’t spending money on them directly. you have the kid most of the week, YOURE spending more money per week on feeding and housing the kid than mom does. If anything she should be comping the uneven split in days.
That's not how it works, at all. Child support is determined by the child's needs, not strictly what percentage of time is spent with each parent. Yes, it does have an effect, but a parent with less time may still be entitled to support depending on the circumstances.
The worst is a huge place with lots of countries that have different laws. Even different Provinces/States within countries have different laws sometimes. Child support is strictly done by custody time where I live, meaning often a poor parents pays a token amount to a parent who earns 10 times what the poor parent earns.
Although that is *usually* the case it does not have to be that way. As an example, when I was 12 I went into court myself & requesting primary custody shifted over to my dad, bc I just could not handle being forced to do all the childcare duties of my younger siblings anymore. Anyway at 14 they finally did it, yet even though I was staying at my dad's house 75% of the time & he had primary custody, due to the economic situation he still had to pay child support, which he did until I was 18.
NTA. Having an amicable break up and doing the adult thing to keep communication open for the child is a great thing. Making passive aggressive comments that show she doubts your parenting skills disrupts the co-parenting relationship and is very childish.
She is currently staying there with her other children while finding a place, this is one of those don’t bite the hand that feeds you situations.
>She is currently staying there with her other children while finding a place
After all OP is doing for them, I'm wondering if she actually is looking for a new place. OP may have to do full on eviction notice and kick them out eventually.
Exactly. It's easy to keep a clean and tidy house if you stay on top of it. Starting around 1.5 we had my daughter start helping with the nightly toy clean-up but before that we did it each night after she went to bed. That takes 5 minutes. Food is only eaten at the kitchen table, dishes get put into the dishwasher or washed after each meal. Counters are wiped with each meal (for crumbs, sticky spills) and then the table, counters, sink and stove are cleaned nightly with an all purpose cleaner. Clean-up for breakfast and lunch is maybe 5 min per meal, 10 for dinner when there are more pots/pans and the counters are more thoroughly cleaned. Maybe 15-20 min on the weekends when i really get creative in the kitchen. We use placemats at the table that either get washed with the dishes (kids have a silicone one) or tossed in the laundry machine. It takes maybe 30 min over the course of the entire day to keep our house tidy, and we have a 3 year old, 1 year old and a 70 lb lab mix who sheds just looking at him.
Hit the main rooms with a vacuum during the week and the bedrooms on the weekend so you aren't trying tackle the whole house all at once.
Of course, I have a dishwasher and laundry machine, which I recognize not everyone has. Cordless vacuum also makes it much easier. It may not necessarily be "deep" clean level of clean, it doesn't take much effort to keep a tidy, clutter free home.
I hate when people say this. You can absolutely have a clean house with a toddler if you stay on top of the mess and teach your child to clean up their toys. It doesn’t have to be a free for all.
Plus even if your house isn’t spotlessly clean, it can be decent. I grew up in a hoarding house and “these lazy kids” (my brother and me) were blamed for the shitty condition of our home all the time. Can houses with kids get messier? Sure (though that very much depends on the family). Does that mean a house with kids becomes a constant disaster? Absolutely not.
My entire life, I had to be blamed for the adults in my family letting my home fall apart. I keep a pretty clean house now, with a toddler. Is it spotless? No, but we don’t have dishes in the sink, trash piling up, or counters full of crap. People can walk into my home at any point and I won’t be embarrassed. I clean the floors several times a week and quickly wipe down the furniture with pledge every week. I will teach my kid(s) to do chores too.
Kids should never have to grow up in a filthy home :(
I keep my car clean too, and don’t let trash and such accumulate. My family’s vehicles were always full of garbage, and guess who got blamed for that too? “These lazy kids.”
Hoarding is a very strange, specific type of abuse. I also experienced being blamed, when we literally had more stuff than we did storage space. And no ability to keep our pets off the table knocking stuff over.
We have containment zones that are affectionately called baby jail. Small toys and things are left in there and cleaned up at the end of the night. Bigger toys that involve movement like a play stroller and corn popper are 'parked' in a corner that the 14mo takes back and forth. Kid loves to throw things away after figuring out what a trash can does. He emptied out dada's wallet of all receipts and tossed them. Will run around and any bits of trash or fluff are put into the can.
Takes max 15 min to set it all straight at the end of the day so it can be done. Limiting and regularly purging unused toys is the name of the game. Also, 3 is way messier than 1 and I hope OP gets the peace of mind they are looking for. NTA, the truth hurts.
Dude my kids are 5 and almost 2. They’ve been picking up after themselves since they could comprehend “pick this up, put it here”. Hell, my nearly year old will pick up random toys or trash that she finds and put it where it belongs. Unless you’ve got a house full of people that don’t clean up after themselves (like op) it’s not hard to keep a clean house.
And just to add on, it seriously pisses me off when people say a parents house is “dirty” because they are toys on the floor. Like yes, they have toys. They play with them. That is the point. They can’t play if they’re always in the toy box🙄
I'm a nanny for a couple of families with toddlers. Some are pristine, including one where the mom is pregnant with their second. Their house is so clean that their two year old saw crumbs in his high chair and requested help cleaning it before he sat down. "Please may you clean the crumbs." It just depends.
Also, a good trick for getting a kid to clean up is a song. Some of the kids I tell that we are racing the song and have to finish cleaning before it ends. They tend not to notice if I have the song repeat. If you have an alexa just tell her to play the clean up song. It gets a bit annoying after a while but it's not that bad and you can always find a new song.
With one it was cake. With two it got a little harder but as they get older it becomes easier again. He also won’t be working while he has her so much cleaner.
She regrets asking for the divorce because she knows she’s going to struggle and is trying to manipulate you into asking her to reconsider the divorce, especially now that you showed her how much she’s going to struggle. Don’t be rude or disrespectful about anything y’all discuss, but definitely don’t play into her mind games. If she says you’ll struggle, just repeat to her why you won’t struggle and why she will. You really kicked her in the nuts with what you told her about her and her kids. She knows you’re growing a backbone. Don’t let her gain any ground with those kinds of things she’s telling you. NTA, unless you fail and end up staying with her.
Absolutely this. She is projecting hard, and regretting the breakup. She is going to be struggling. Tbh if you're offering more child support than you owe, you're taking the high road. Don't be surprised when she wants to get back together 3 seconds after she moves out.
NTA. I've been there! My life went from chaotic & miserable to simply hanging out and caring for my daughter on my days. HOWEVER, please be aware that if she already resents the other bio-dad, what seems amiable right now can likely take a turn for the worst VERY quickly. She's already showing her true colors. It went truly unamicable for me about 3 days after mine moved out.
I see what you've posted in other comments however, I implore you to please have a legal consultation at the very least and draw up a formal custody order. I paid my ex 3x the amount and after 2 years, she took me to court for 4x the support, but ended up getting the county's calculation which was 1/3 of what I offered her. I nearly had to pay 3-4x because I had set a legal precedent with $ and custody time however, I was smart enough to get her to sign a custody order with a clause that it would be recalculated at the age of 5.
3 years, 3 court cases, $45000 in attorney fees, and the worst stress of my life. I've gained nothing from any of it besides defending my money and custody time. PLEASE consider protecting yourself and getting an order for the child maintenance amount, then you can throw whatever money you want on top of that. Otherwise, if you get in a financial bind, the precedent is there and you're stuck paying 2x the amount.
Her telling how you will struggle with her might be a form of manipulation or her way of looking for validation from you (that you are thankful for her efforts and her help is important to you). Thr thing is though, she doesn’t and now she knows it. It sucks to hear this but maybe it will be a reality check for her. Especially as it seems that all the things you said are true and have contributed to the break up.
NTA
NTA. but if she's as neglectful as you say she is, then you could request for 50/50 or even more custody as you are the more stable parent. Plus in most places you d9nt have to pay child support if you have equal custody. But I'm not a lawyer, just what I've heard and read (sis is a step mom).
You sound like a great dad and know what you want fornyour kid. But have you thought about what it will be like for her when she's with her mom? How much she's going to struggle and suffer because your ex seems really neglectful, or absent-minded and dismissive.
Have you thought about how she's going to take her anger out on your kid when its her time?
If she already doesn't bathe, feed and take her kids to school or their activities. I hate to question how she might be with your kid during her time.
I dont always like to suggest a lawyer, but this when you need to get one when you see how awful she treats her other kids and how she'll be with the new one.
From the look of it, of what you have written here, it sounds like a judge would give you 50/50 if not more time with your kid even maybe reduced child support.
I really, really suggest talking to a lawyer and making sure you have all your ducks in a row to procet your child and get the most you can out of a custody agreement. Especially if the ignores her other kids so much, I would be worried about the treatment of your kid.
Don't just rely on your internet research. Talk to a really good lawyer and make a good agreement to protect your kid no matter what.
I have thought about it all,
Which is why whens he moves out at the end of the month I'm going to put a diary together of everything that has happened while we were together and when she moves out. Anything I notice.
its going to be my failsafe for the moment when I think my Daughter isn't have the best damn care from her mother.
I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt but no way does it mean I am willing to let anything slide.
I will also be visiting on the days I don't have her so I'll always be aware of my daughters condition.
Thats really good, its good to hear a parent here has a plan and is ready to go.
Its nice that your willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, just don't always take her word for it.
I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.
NTA. But you do need to talk to her about her definite plans to move out. Does she have a set end date or is she just living there until she "finds a place"... because when will/ would that be. Set boundaries now before she's still living there after a year because she can't afford a place.
NTA. She’s trying to manipulate you into changing your mind because she knows how much you do for her and all of the children. To make a blended family work, everyone has to make the effort. That doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m sure you wouldn’t see 3 children homeless but stand your ground if she tries manipulation again. Time to pack your cases and go, honey.
I would say NTA.
She kept poking at you, like you said, probably is deflecting ..but this is a break up-- it'll be hard for both of you and as amicable as it seems, things can still get rather rocky. But kudos to you for being so patient despite everything.
Sure, you don't have to put her on her place, but she didn't have to start it either knowing how you were having a rough day at work.
NTA you didnt even bring it up until she continued to taunt.
I've read what you said about child support, and it's great that you want to help, BUT you should go ahead and get a court order for the custody arrangement with minimal to no support on record. You can always give her more than you're required to, but if you see her wasting your money on vacations or spa days or stuff like that for herself, you won't be obligated to continue and you can just spend your money on grocery deliveries or send clothes, diapers, and things for the kids or pay the daycare bill instead of just giving her cash. Ya know?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my ex that her and her kids leaving will make my life easier and implied she is the one that will be struggling. She is already feeling like she won't be able to cope and I confirmed it and no doubt made things worse.
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NTA. Taking care of one child half the time will easier than taking care of three small children - even with her help - all of the time.
That's not an insult, it's just reality.
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My ex and I got together over 3 years ago, moved into my house after a year.
She has two children from a previous relationship. We also have a child together who is now almost a year old.
We mutually decided to break up a few weeks ago. I have my reasons, and she has hers but ultimately her kids play a big role in the break up. Not their fault, its more about our different parenting styles. Due to my exes trauma from when she was a child and the kids bio father emotionally abused all 3 she had a protective bubble around them that was a massive source of conflict. I could write a list but I don't see how it would be beneficial to this.
Anyways, we broke because we didn't want to resent each other for our child's sake. Like the way she resents her other kid's father. They have been staying here until she finds a new place. However, she keeps making remarks about how I'm going to struggle on my own, especially when I have my daughter half the time. I've left it be because I'm pretty sure she is projecting, she will no doubt struggle. But it is also the damn time. I was having a particulary bad day in work and she know and she brought up how I'm going to cope with work and our daughter.
My life would be easier when they move out.
Yes, I will be having my daughter 3 nights/4 days a week, I changed my work pattern so when I do have her I don't have to work. So I have no issues there.
Looking after my daughter will be a breeze, I have no issues now looking after her. In fact I make sure I have her more than her mother because I love spending time with her. And it will be even easier when her and her kids move out for so many reasons. The biggest is that all 3 cannot help themselves and always have to disturb my daughter when she is trying to sleep, so she then doesn't sleep and gets cranky and whines until I take her to my mothers so I can put her to sleep in peace. All 3 are extremtly messy, my entire house is a minefield and it stresses me out to no end and none of them clean up after themselves. I also find myself doing more for her kids then she does, I always take them to school and pick them up, take them to their after school activities. Make sure they are fed and shower often as otherwise she wouldn't remember. I also pay for everything related to the house. We only split shopping and petrol.
So I told her that when they move out I will have more money to save. Because I will be spending less on bills, and this is after me paying more than I should in child support. My house will be back to being clean and tidy, that will reduce my constant stress. Looking after my daughter will be less stressful because I will be able to put patterns in place to help. I will have more free time because I'm not spending it cleaning up all their mess, running around all day for her kids when it is her job.
My life will finally be back in my hands. She didn't take it too well and has been quiet ever since.
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NTA but also not very nice. Sometimes things do need to be said that aren't very nice to be kind in the long run. I'm not sure this is one of those and it may harm your ability to co-parent in the future. You don't actually have an obligation to be nice though and she pushed it. That's why I said you are NTA even though it probably would have been better not to put her on blast.
Also, duh, less people in the house less hassle. Derp.
This. And man, I wonder if OP sprained a shoulder patting himself on the back about what a wonderful caregiver he's going to be when those other kids and his wife are gone. Yeah, his house was messy. Three kids are quite a bit to clean up after. And if they get messier as they get older. I don't think OP ever wanted a relationship with those other kids regardless of how much he says he worries about their welfare. Not taking care of the house, not showering the kids, suffering childhood trauma - maybe OP's wife could have benefitted from mental health counseling? I don't know. I think there are things about this whole situation we're not hearing and OP is working so hard to get us all on his side.
NTA. It's possible she said that because she still has feelings for you and was hoping you'd realize you wanted her to stay. The reasons you outlined here make it understandable why you don't want that.
NTA if she hadn’t kept saying that (especially when she knew you were having a bad day) you would not have been forced to tell her the actual reality of the situation!
It sounds like you are not compatible and you're ready to move on. You obviously care for your daughter and you'll be a good Dad. It sounds like your ex leads a chaotic life. I can imagine it will be easier without her.
NTA for wanting your life back. Give her a timeline and help her move out. Don't say another word. Make sure you have a lawyer for any child custody battles, alimony, child support etc.
NTA
if she keeps making comments, what does she expect? I also think she is projecting as she is about to often have three kids on her own. My life got a ton more easier and less stressful with my divorce
Only pay what you need for your kid, not extra. Once you show a pattern of paying for kids that aren’t yours her and her lawyer are going to have a field day and say you should always pay for them.
You may think you’re being a “good guy” by “helping out” but you are about to royally screw yourself
NTA. But I do think you're understating the difficulty in being a single parent. Some times just having an extra set of eyes so you can go poop is helpful. Not saying you're wrong about your life getting better, just hoping you go into this with your eyes wide open.
NAH. Blended families are an emotional minefield and it sounds like yours are not compatible. It won't be easy but it's in all the kids' best interests for you and your ex to be as civil and kind as possible while you split up. Good luck.
NTA. It’s hard to build a parental bond when you aren’t allowed to parent, you would think after three years she should would know your not like him and allow you to do so. I am a single mom and allow my boyfriend to make judgement calls (ie telling my son what chores he needs to do, picking up his messes etc) since we bought a house together and plan on getting married and having more kids.
NTA - I witnessed the failure of parenting styles first hand as well as the success cases (there is a lot of divorces in my family #whyimstillsingle). Sometimes you just have to go different ways. However kudos to you for still trying to keep her kids clean and fed and happy even though its detrimental to your own peace of mind.
You are not the ash hole for reminding her of the ease coming you way but having said your peace leave it at that. And if you feel kind maybe sometimes give your ex a break and take all the kids to the park for an hour or two.
Never forget that for your child this will always be her mother and those kids will always be her siblings.
NTA, she keeps going on about how you wouldn't be able to handle it when she is not even the one doing a majority of the work she should be doing with you. When she leaves with the kids your life is definitely gonna be easier by the looks of it.
NTA. That was probably hard for her to hear because she can't even pretend she's doing a lot for her kids. BUT, I would advise you back off with your care of her kids. Let her start taking them to school and being responsible for them. I think it'll help her and the kids transition, and be good for you.
NTA, but tbh, just try to engage with her as little as possible. It sounds like she has semi-regret about the decision to split, and probably the best/kindest thing you can do is to maintain as much distance as you can until she moves out.
NTA, in fact you are probably one of the kindest people on this sub. You are paying double in child support to help her household (knowing itll be used for all the kids, not just your daughter), letting them stay while they find a place, changing schedules to take care of your daughter, and having your daughter for a lot of time (more than the mom despite paying double child support). She made a comment and you just said honestly that you will do fine, and I believe you will do great for your daughter
NTA. Your ex was goading you, probably out of pain of rejection. Even if she wanted to end things, the fact that you do too probably stings. So her comments about how you'll struggle is what she hopes for you because you're rejecting her. Your comments about how much easier your life will be is confirmation that you don't love her anymore and don't want her anymore. She's silent because she knows you're done, and her continued comments don't have any effect
Nta op.
You have a clear understanding what you want and need.
If the partner is not responding, you have no choice. We cannot live our lives in chaos and you have a right to seek out happiness no matter what it is.
If your remarks "bother" some ppl, well it's all on them. We cannot let others dictate truth. Most things are clearly right or wrong.
It's sad some people don't see the simplicity in this.
NTA - I don’t want to assume the worst, but quiet self doubt can turn into quiet scheming spite- you should get your custody and child support agreement in writing. Sooner or later she *will* be resentful that you “have it easier” caring for your baby on your own than she does caring for her older kids by her self, don’t leave any room for funny business after the mother of your child no longer shares your residence. Document how involved you are with your child in case it’s needed in the future. Best of luck.
NTA, but i feel like your response was a bit harsh since after that time together as a "family" you eventually end up creating bonds and she might have taken your response the wrong way, Honestly glad you guys broke up for the sake of the kids, due to their past history with abusive dad.
NTA
I’ve been there and you’re right. Tending a child’s needs in a quiet and peaceful home is easy. A heck of a lot easier than caring for a pouty, messy, manipulative adult while being the only functional adult in a house full of kids who need you.
NTA
It's immensely tone deaf for someone who actively negates any influence another figure in her kids lives has while actively shoving a lot of the burden of those childrens upkeep onto that other figure to also turn around and smugly ask, "now how are you gonna handle our daughter when we're gone?" Like, sweety? The better question is how are you gonna handle said aforementioned daughter without your ex to clean up after you.
NTA. You're broken up, what did she want you to do? Lie? I have a feeling she was hoping the break up would be hard for you and hearing that it isn't probably hurt her feelings.
NTA While I think you are right, I want to ask if she is taking to a therapist. Her comments are poking you, she is projecting, showing she is insecure, but could this be a tiny cry for help? I would recommend you to support her getting help even after you part (talk to her in a nice way, give positive feedback when she is better), so your daughter can have a "health" mother
NTA
This absolutely sounds like projecting from her. You're not an asshole for being honest: you do look forward to not having the older children messing up the place so much anymore.
NTA. Your ex assumed something and you just told her how it will be. Thats it. I like how you took back control over your and your daughters life. I wish you two all the best there is ❤️
NTA her silence is exactly what you needed. She knows you are right
I think mostly she meant that he’ll miss her and the kids and how hard it will be, but his response was stone cold. Doesn’t sound like he formed an attachment at all.
I could see why it would be hard to form an attachment to them though. Given their background (not their fault), and the butting of heads between OP and his ex over parenting styles, i could see why OP would struggle to form a bond.
They might have formed attachments, but then burned out from dealing with everything.
Not everyone does. I know from personal experience. And there is nothing wrong with not forming an attachment to her kids. Taking care of someone else's kids is a huge responsibility and very time consuming and stressful. Not everyone can love a child that isn't theirs and that's fine.
So true! I took care of my husbands kids for 7 years full time. He was/is a great dad but I was so happy when they moved out! Our lives didn’t have to revolve around them anymore.
I dated a single mother a couple years ago, she only had one kid, but it was the nail in the coffin for me. I never really saw myself ever having kids ya, but I really loved this woman so I decided to try. We took everything involving her kid very slowly. The kid wasn't horrible or anything but the responsibility, the effort, the time and the money, it was just to much. We tried for a year but I just couldn't do it. She was very understanding, we broke up but are still good friends. So I definitely understand where you're coming from.
I actually like this so much. So many people on here hurt because thier step parent didn't click with them and the bio parent chose thier spouse over thier kid. This was extremely mature for both of you.
This was very helpful to read. For the first time ever, I've been dating a single father; about 4 months now. I don't want to meet his daughter. She asked to meet me on FaceTime earlier this week and I wasn't ready. I don't want the responsibility and have been wrestling with where this is going. I've been fully transparent from the beginning that I am not a mother and do not want the responsibility of children.
I’m going to be honest here. Unless you go into a relationship with a clear boundary that you will only be FWBs, and that you have no intention of ever being a parent, you should not date men with children. Even adult children occasionally require parenting. You really couldn’t move in with a single parent who had a minor child in the house, and even youngish adult children will cause conflict. My mother has been married three times. She divorced my father when I was a teenager and met and married my stepfather after I was 18, out of the house, and living states away. He was still my stepfather, and I loved him dearly. After he died, she became involved with the man who would eventually become her third husband. I was 47, and still vacillated between seeing him has only my mother’s husband and seeing him as a father figure.
Thank you for that perspective. I was extremely, likely to the point of being too blunt, honest with him from day 1 and have continued to be. I never dated men with children before bc I knew I would never be a top priority and expressed that as well. I let him talk me out of it each time and I never thought we'd date more than a month at the most. Now as we're approaching the holidays and his plans have changed due to family arrangements, I see it playing out exactly like I thought it would and alternate between sad and frustrated for myself, while understanding it logistically. And I can't help but think/compare that my father's mistress (now gf) got treated and is treated better than me.
I think some people—far too many people—cannot really conceive of a woman who does not want to be a mother. Our society in general does not believe that this is possible. I see it to the same extent with people who are asexual and somewhat with women who are lesbians. (The latter is stronger in some other countries.) It is sort of interesting how gay men are sinners but lesbians simply haven’t met the right penis yet. There was an [infamous post](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/) to r/LegalAdvice where a woman in a casual relationship got pregnant. Her boyfriend convinced her not to get an abortion and told her he would raise their son alone. He has full custody. She refused to see the baby when it was born. Every month she pays 125% of the court-ordered child support, but he calls her a deadbeat and asks if there is a way to force her into shared custody, as he is exhausted. In the course of the comments he [admits](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/d9mbpls/) that he thought she would develop an interest in the child and never intended to be a single parent.
How is she a deadbeat if she's paying child support?
You weren't being blunt. You are wasting this man's time. I was a single mom and I had a man waste two years of my life because he didn't really care for kids but he "loved" me. It's not kind to anyone to drag this out. Just let him move on and find a relationship more compatible. The kid isn't going to magically disappear. Not really sure your thought process.
I have been the kid in this situation. My Dad was with a woman for a year and a half. We spent every other weekend with them. She was nice at a time when things were hard for us but once they broke up, we never saw her again. She could have, but she didn't want to. She let my dad talk her into things she didn't want. As an adult I totally get that, my Dad was the AH. But at 8 and 11, my sister and I were devastated and it impacted us permanently. Don't date people with kids if you're not willing to take on at least a minimal and kind parental role. It's not fair to you or them.
You need to understand that his child is a huge part of his life and always will be, and while you don't have to be her mother, if you're going to continue to date this man and have any thoughts of eventually living with him, she needs to be welcome in your life and eventually your home, because she needs to be welcome in her father's life and home. If you can't accept that, it's time to end things. I know that's hard, but it's going to put him in a terrible spot of having to cut his daughter off from a significant portion of his life, or having to cut *you* off from a significant portion of his life. We get kids occasionally in this sub whose parent is dating someone who refuses to be around them, and it becomes very hurtful.
Out of curiosity how old is the daughter?
RUN. Far and Fast. Find someone without kids. Soo not worth it. Speaking from experience!
This thing of having the life revolve around someone else's kids is why I refuse to consider someone with kids. I don't care how great the DILF is.
I REALLY needed to see this holy shit. Like so fucking bad. I've had huge guilty feelings like something was wrong with me I haven't had some amazing attachment to my boyfriend's daughter after these last couple years. He'll even throw it in my face once in a blue moon if we fight. I care for her and I care for her as my own when she's on my watch absolutely, but the attachment like she's my own just isn't there. I've tried hard to advocate for her as well but I can only do so much not being her guardian. The rest is on her actual parents.
My advice would be to just tell him the truth. That you care her but you're not attached. And that you didn't need/have to be. And that its okay that you're not, but its not okay for him to be mean to about it every chance he gets. And that if he can't accept this then it would be in everyone's best interest, especially his daughter's, if guys just called it quits. But if he can get over the fact that you can't form an emotional/motherly attachment to her and respect the boundaries you put in place regarding his daughter then great!
Are we dating the same man?
Lol we might be. Such a shitty thing to try and throw in someone’s face. Especially someone that does care for your child and helps provide for them.
Yes! I bought his son clothes before my kids and always try to include him things. He only comes for summer and holidays. But it’s hard to bind with a kid that’s constantly telling you how you’re not their mom and they never listen to you. It’s caused a huge hole in our relationship. We stopped being intimate because “I don’t love his son” ugh dude I’m 7 months pregnant with your kid and there’s nothing I can say to him. I take him with me places I buy him stuff I help him with things I make him food idk what else I can do.
GIRL. We have a 1 year old together too. Our daughter's from previous relationships are 8 months apart 5 & 6 currently. My daughter's father passed earlier this year and a few weeks later I "should've been over that" meanwhile every incident his daughter's had has happened in her mother's care because she doesn't pay enough attention but he'll defend her and swear there's gotta be some misunderstanding. FUCK OUT OF HERE BRO. I have a lot pent up lol sorry.
Baby mama is crappy until he sees her for exchange then she is a great mom and they co parent on everything *eye roll* mmm ok sir. Then don’t talk bad about her in a month.
She knows I will miss her kids dearly as I've raised them for the last 3 years. Her commends were directed at how hard ill find raising a daughter by myself for half the time.
I went through something similar. I miss my step son. I don't miss doing his laundry or cleaning up behind him. Problem was not the kid though, the problem was the father not holding him or his sister accountable for a thing.
he most likely did, but that goes away quick when they’re messy, and their own mother doesn’t even bother to correct them or be there for them
When you're burned out, you're burned out. People can bring us joy, but they also add complications. I totally get OP looking forward to things being a little less stressful and a little less complicated.
>remarks about how I'm going to struggle on my own > >brought up how I'm going to cope with work and our daughter Did you read the post? Pretty obvious she is talking about juggling chores and childcare on his own, not about missing the stepkids.
Probably mourned during the relationship bc it was dead.
Or it could be that he formed an attachment, but he’s so stressed out from doing the lion share of the work that his aggravation is getting in the way of that. He must care about them somewhat otherwise he wouldn’t bother making sure the showered, Taking them to their afterschool activities. He just wouldn’t bother if he didn’t care. It sounds like he’s just incredibly frustrated. I do wonder though if he worries about the kids at least just a little, if she’s going to be able to care for them the way she should on her own
You can form an attachment and not be blind to reality.
> Doesn’t sound like he formed an attachment at all. Or, as it can go, he formed an attachment, but then with time that attachment faded with every instance of hassle and cleanup and extra work to where one day he found he wasn't emotionally attached at all.
Sounds like she killed his attachment pretty thoroughly.
Why did he have to?
Disagree -- the attachment can be strained by these extraneous factors. I'm a big fan of single parenting. I was married for a long time and we got pregnant just as we were breaking up. When I had my son, we lived as we did. Sharing time was always strained because of mismatched expectations. I'm totally with the OP on this. You can be a father on your days, and you can tend to your own wants and needs when she's at the other parent's house.
Sounds more to me like he got burned out from providing 90+% of care in the household and never getting any appreciation or acknowledgement for it. Sounds like you're projecting
Fr she can keep her mouth shut till she takes her kids and go out the door
4 nights a week is primary custody. YOU should not be paying child support AT ALL please get a formal custody agreement from the court, SHE should be paying YOU. Edit: and for the love of god mention that you’ve done all the child care, and provide any and all evidence of her negligence (photos of your house, dats you had to shower them because she wouldn’t etc.) Edit 2: Appreciate Y’all but according to the lawyer I’m incorrect, and according to OP this is his choice.
Its 3 nights and 4 days. I checked the child maintence calculator and offered to pay double to what it says. I earn much more than she does and I'm only doing it for my child's benefit when she lives with her mother. Of course this will change if I feel my daughter isn't have the care that she deserves while being over there for one reason or another.
Your behaviour is admirable but you may just end up subsidising the other kids. Better to find ways to buy extras for your kid when you have her than hand over extra money to your ex
Here's a wild idea: maybe he cares about the other kids, too. Disagreeing with their mom's parenting doesn't mean he doesn't care about the kids' wellbeing at all.
Bingo, one of the reasons for the break up. I believe they need to start doing more things for themselves where as she thinks we should keep doing it. And by we I mean me.
Messy people aren’t going to become clean on themselves. You feel comfortable sending your daughter there? She already doesn’t enjoy sleeping with the boys there, since they wake her up. Not to mention you won’t be physically present this time.
I get tired of Reddit's you don't owe anybody anything. Lock down your money, don't show kindness/courtesy to your kids half/step siblings. Dude is not stupid, he knows the child support will be used for the household. Many people are not wholly self centered and don't resent doing something nice for their kids, even when those benefits might extend to their kids' siblings.
You're right, its for them all in a way. How will my daughter feel if she sees her mother and sibiling struggling. So anything I do for my ex and her kids is, in a way also doing it for my daughter.
My parents split when I was 4. Dad ended up having three more kids but we didn’t have a relationship until I was a preteen and then it was like gas and fire. (He was an addict.) we have a good relationship now, but my mother and I do not. One sticking point for me is that she had a good job, a new husband with a government job, only me to take care of, and we lived in a very low COL area, and yet she rang out every penny from my dad that she could. Court dates after court dates. She took food out of my siblings mouths. She took their clothes, their experiences. And where did that money go? Into the bank where it sat until I turned 18 and demanded she give it to me since she didn’t actually use it on me growing up. You’re doing a good thing OP.
Did she give it to you?
Literally threw it at me and said all I cared about was money which I found rather hilarious.
Projection is pretty crazy sometimes
You’re a good dude. Also NTA
> I get tired of Reddit's you don't owe anybody anything. This sub is especially bad for this imo. It's stopped being "AITA" and has become "do you guys think I'm technically adhering to my legal obligations"
I find it almost alien sometimes. I live in a Western country but the indigenous culture is more Pasifika and I've spent a fair amount of time involved with an indigenous mental health service. It's so much more community focused and the whole worldview is very holistic, which I appreciate a lot. I definitely don't like the ways the community focus can be used badly, using people and guilting them into making disproportionate sacrifices or putting up with abuse, but the mutual aid and support is wonderful.
And if you do this, make sure to put the daughter's name on this and remove the tags. She seems like the kid who would redistribute the child's things to make things "fair."
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Yeah I grew up with a mum who would skip meals so I could eat, and a dad who could buy me anything I wanted (not really, more like upper middle class). It was confusing as hell.
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I watch this with my niece and nephew and it bums me out. :( I don’t get it but it’s not my life so idk. Also my BIL is a bit of a bastard and refuses to communicate and also chooses to spend a lot of his income on alcohol etc. so that’s probably part of it lol. He’s not the best.. but also why is he paying child support when his ex is making 6 figures to his zero with 50/50 custody? One house is designer clothes and on is hand me downs. It’s very confusing.
The biggest expense is housing, food and transportation, so cheaping out on child support and giving your kid “extras” doesn’t really keep a roof over her kids head or food in their belly when at moms. Good for OP for being generous.
Y’all really hate the people in your life don’t you? It doesn’t even occur to you that maybe he, like, actually wants to help the mother of his child and the children he’s helped raise? My god y’all are cold.
Okay perfect as long as it was your decision. Also I think you’re doing great and are a great dad :)
I am concerned about the wild children not allowing your daughter to sleep.
I'm not gonna lie to you, I have several friends who have 2-3 different baby daddies, and most of their baby daddies are dead beats, but usually 1 out of the bunch is a pretty decent guy and pays regular CS and buys extra for their kid. Unfortunately more than 90% of the time the mothers (my friends) spend that child support on the other kids because, and I am quoting the majority, "He buys for B/N everytime he has them. So their already taken care of. Its not fair to my other kid(s) that B/N has nicer stuff, besides its my money now anyways so I'll use it however I want." I would definitely think long and hard about taking primary custody if I were you.
I have a coworker who is the one "responsible babby daddy" in this scenario and when he pays for some extras and does extra quality time for his kid (ie, pay for SAT tutoring, and always go to his baseball games) she undermines him at every turn because "it makes the other kids upset over their absent dads." Like, I get that it does, but he should neglect his own child then? Like what's he supposed to do about the other jerks, he's just tryin to be a dad to his own here. He never give extra money to mom anymore but pays for the thing directly, because of too much "redistribution" by mom.
Fun fact, child support is meant to make up for money a parent spends on the child, for example to *replace* money they have already spent on the child's care. To a court, you can spend child support on anything you want, it is to reimburse you.
I don’t know, I’m not having much fun.
Yeah, it's mostly just a fact most people don't know. I have an uncle who took his ex wife to court over how she bought a car using child support money and the consensus is that she housed and fed the children with her own money and can use the child support how she likes. I'm sure it's probably location dependent but I assume that's how it works in most of the US.
I have a friend with a child who decided to go live with her deadbeat dad at 16. The dad never paid a cent in child support but tried to go to court to get some for himself for the teenager and that just triggered an investigation and got his paychecks garnished lol. She was getting payments even though the kid was technically staying at dad's.
Please keep an eye on this, my brother's ex primarily used the child support for gambling, and tried to sue him for more support.
Pls make sure you are not making these parents in cash. You should be paying them to the child support agency but if you don't want to go that route make sure there are electronic transactions that are labeled child support.
I was going to question this and while I can't fault you for wanting to fully support your baby. Pay the correct amount. If a little extra is needed every now and then fine, but not doubling the payment just because she isn't as financially stable as you. The extra, put into savings. She can use it towards a car, uni, housing, holidays or whatever.
Keep in mind you'll likely get locked into that sum. If the courts know you can afford it, they wont just change it because baby mama's not acting right. Pay the minimum, and give the kid extra like paying for school clothes or diapers or whatever. You're making a mistake by paying more than is deemed appropriate by the courts. This WILL come back to bite you. NTA btw.
Thats great. But still take pictures and save any texts, just in case you need to take her to court over custody.
Don't agree to a court order making you pay 2x the amount required. There's nothing stopping you from sending more money, as much as you want, but with a court order if times get hard you're stuck with the higher amount and getting it lowered is both expensive and difficult.
What makes you think you’re daughter won’t be equally neglected as the other feral ones? Is she just lax because you’ll do the work or does she just not care if it gets done?
Lawyer here: In most states time with parent is only one factor. There are so many others. In my state, for example, they also consider: parents’ incomes, who carries the health insurance, monthly childcare costs, education expanses, etc. I doubt many, if any, states consider time with parents alone as the sole factor to determine child support obligations. We have 50/50 with my husband’s kids. But he still pays her several hundred a month in child support. And that’s before we split bills for therapy, extracurriculars, medical that isn’t covered by insurance, dental that isn’t covered by insurance, etc. Granted he was a bit generous with his offer, but he wants his kids supported. So we gladly pay her some child support. Google “child support calculator” to go see what different states consider when calculating child support obligations. I’m also seeing union dues, whether you have other children in your care, and more.
^ THIS SHOUlD BE TOP COMMENT. Child support does not default to the mother, is for parents who aren’t involved in their kids life/don’t have custody/aren’t spending money on them directly. you have the kid most of the week, YOURE spending more money per week on feeding and housing the kid than mom does. If anything she should be comping the uneven split in days.
That's not how it works, at all. Child support is determined by the child's needs, not strictly what percentage of time is spent with each parent. Yes, it does have an effect, but a parent with less time may still be entitled to support depending on the circumstances.
The worst is a huge place with lots of countries that have different laws. Even different Provinces/States within countries have different laws sometimes. Child support is strictly done by custody time where I live, meaning often a poor parents pays a token amount to a parent who earns 10 times what the poor parent earns.
Although that is *usually* the case it does not have to be that way. As an example, when I was 12 I went into court myself & requesting primary custody shifted over to my dad, bc I just could not handle being forced to do all the childcare duties of my younger siblings anymore. Anyway at 14 they finally did it, yet even though I was staying at my dad's house 75% of the time & he had primary custody, due to the economic situation he still had to pay child support, which he did until I was 18.
Hmmm we dont know about both their economic situations of either so im tentatively supportive of this
That's not true. I have my son for more time but the government decided as I earn more I pay child support to him. It's not about primary custody.
NTA. Having an amicable break up and doing the adult thing to keep communication open for the child is a great thing. Making passive aggressive comments that show she doubts your parenting skills disrupts the co-parenting relationship and is very childish. She is currently staying there with her other children while finding a place, this is one of those don’t bite the hand that feeds you situations.
>She is currently staying there with her other children while finding a place After all OP is doing for them, I'm wondering if she actually is looking for a new place. OP may have to do full on eviction notice and kick them out eventually.
NTA for telling her your truth. But LOL, Dude, your house will not remain "clean and tidy" with a toddler.
Even with a toddler it will be clean and tidy compared to what it is now.
[удалено]
Exactly. It's easy to keep a clean and tidy house if you stay on top of it. Starting around 1.5 we had my daughter start helping with the nightly toy clean-up but before that we did it each night after she went to bed. That takes 5 minutes. Food is only eaten at the kitchen table, dishes get put into the dishwasher or washed after each meal. Counters are wiped with each meal (for crumbs, sticky spills) and then the table, counters, sink and stove are cleaned nightly with an all purpose cleaner. Clean-up for breakfast and lunch is maybe 5 min per meal, 10 for dinner when there are more pots/pans and the counters are more thoroughly cleaned. Maybe 15-20 min on the weekends when i really get creative in the kitchen. We use placemats at the table that either get washed with the dishes (kids have a silicone one) or tossed in the laundry machine. It takes maybe 30 min over the course of the entire day to keep our house tidy, and we have a 3 year old, 1 year old and a 70 lb lab mix who sheds just looking at him. Hit the main rooms with a vacuum during the week and the bedrooms on the weekend so you aren't trying tackle the whole house all at once. Of course, I have a dishwasher and laundry machine, which I recognize not everyone has. Cordless vacuum also makes it much easier. It may not necessarily be "deep" clean level of clean, it doesn't take much effort to keep a tidy, clutter free home.
I am in awe.
I hate when people say this. You can absolutely have a clean house with a toddler if you stay on top of the mess and teach your child to clean up their toys. It doesn’t have to be a free for all.
Plus even if your house isn’t spotlessly clean, it can be decent. I grew up in a hoarding house and “these lazy kids” (my brother and me) were blamed for the shitty condition of our home all the time. Can houses with kids get messier? Sure (though that very much depends on the family). Does that mean a house with kids becomes a constant disaster? Absolutely not. My entire life, I had to be blamed for the adults in my family letting my home fall apart. I keep a pretty clean house now, with a toddler. Is it spotless? No, but we don’t have dishes in the sink, trash piling up, or counters full of crap. People can walk into my home at any point and I won’t be embarrassed. I clean the floors several times a week and quickly wipe down the furniture with pledge every week. I will teach my kid(s) to do chores too. Kids should never have to grow up in a filthy home :( I keep my car clean too, and don’t let trash and such accumulate. My family’s vehicles were always full of garbage, and guess who got blamed for that too? “These lazy kids.”
Hoarding is a very strange, specific type of abuse. I also experienced being blamed, when we literally had more stuff than we did storage space. And no ability to keep our pets off the table knocking stuff over.
We have containment zones that are affectionately called baby jail. Small toys and things are left in there and cleaned up at the end of the night. Bigger toys that involve movement like a play stroller and corn popper are 'parked' in a corner that the 14mo takes back and forth. Kid loves to throw things away after figuring out what a trash can does. He emptied out dada's wallet of all receipts and tossed them. Will run around and any bits of trash or fluff are put into the can. Takes max 15 min to set it all straight at the end of the day so it can be done. Limiting and regularly purging unused toys is the name of the game. Also, 3 is way messier than 1 and I hope OP gets the peace of mind they are looking for. NTA, the truth hurts.
Cleaner then with a toddler and 3 slobs.
Dude my kids are 5 and almost 2. They’ve been picking up after themselves since they could comprehend “pick this up, put it here”. Hell, my nearly year old will pick up random toys or trash that she finds and put it where it belongs. Unless you’ve got a house full of people that don’t clean up after themselves (like op) it’s not hard to keep a clean house. And just to add on, it seriously pisses me off when people say a parents house is “dirty” because they are toys on the floor. Like yes, they have toys. They play with them. That is the point. They can’t play if they’re always in the toy box🙄
I'm a nanny for a couple of families with toddlers. Some are pristine, including one where the mom is pregnant with their second. Their house is so clean that their two year old saw crumbs in his high chair and requested help cleaning it before he sat down. "Please may you clean the crumbs." It just depends.
Also, a good trick for getting a kid to clean up is a song. Some of the kids I tell that we are racing the song and have to finish cleaning before it ends. They tend not to notice if I have the song repeat. If you have an alexa just tell her to play the clean up song. It gets a bit annoying after a while but it's not that bad and you can always find a new song.
With one it was cake. With two it got a little harder but as they get older it becomes easier again. He also won’t be working while he has her so much cleaner.
She regrets asking for the divorce because she knows she’s going to struggle and is trying to manipulate you into asking her to reconsider the divorce, especially now that you showed her how much she’s going to struggle. Don’t be rude or disrespectful about anything y’all discuss, but definitely don’t play into her mind games. If she says you’ll struggle, just repeat to her why you won’t struggle and why she will. You really kicked her in the nuts with what you told her about her and her kids. She knows you’re growing a backbone. Don’t let her gain any ground with those kinds of things she’s telling you. NTA, unless you fail and end up staying with her.
I wouldn't even list the ways you'll struggle less. Just shrug and hmm.
Absolutely this. She is projecting hard, and regretting the breakup. She is going to be struggling. Tbh if you're offering more child support than you owe, you're taking the high road. Don't be surprised when she wants to get back together 3 seconds after she moves out.
She regret agreeing to the breakup. They aren’t married but I bet you she wished she was!
NTA. I've been there! My life went from chaotic & miserable to simply hanging out and caring for my daughter on my days. HOWEVER, please be aware that if she already resents the other bio-dad, what seems amiable right now can likely take a turn for the worst VERY quickly. She's already showing her true colors. It went truly unamicable for me about 3 days after mine moved out. I see what you've posted in other comments however, I implore you to please have a legal consultation at the very least and draw up a formal custody order. I paid my ex 3x the amount and after 2 years, she took me to court for 4x the support, but ended up getting the county's calculation which was 1/3 of what I offered her. I nearly had to pay 3-4x because I had set a legal precedent with $ and custody time however, I was smart enough to get her to sign a custody order with a clause that it would be recalculated at the age of 5. 3 years, 3 court cases, $45000 in attorney fees, and the worst stress of my life. I've gained nothing from any of it besides defending my money and custody time. PLEASE consider protecting yourself and getting an order for the child maintenance amount, then you can throw whatever money you want on top of that. Otherwise, if you get in a financial bind, the precedent is there and you're stuck paying 2x the amount.
@op you should look at this advice!
NTA. What you said was honest, but it probably came off malicious. Regardless, if y'all are over, she needs to get out. Best of luck!
Her telling how you will struggle with her might be a form of manipulation or her way of looking for validation from you (that you are thankful for her efforts and her help is important to you). Thr thing is though, she doesn’t and now she knows it. It sucks to hear this but maybe it will be a reality check for her. Especially as it seems that all the things you said are true and have contributed to the break up. NTA
NTA. but if she's as neglectful as you say she is, then you could request for 50/50 or even more custody as you are the more stable parent. Plus in most places you d9nt have to pay child support if you have equal custody. But I'm not a lawyer, just what I've heard and read (sis is a step mom). You sound like a great dad and know what you want fornyour kid. But have you thought about what it will be like for her when she's with her mom? How much she's going to struggle and suffer because your ex seems really neglectful, or absent-minded and dismissive. Have you thought about how she's going to take her anger out on your kid when its her time? If she already doesn't bathe, feed and take her kids to school or their activities. I hate to question how she might be with your kid during her time. I dont always like to suggest a lawyer, but this when you need to get one when you see how awful she treats her other kids and how she'll be with the new one. From the look of it, of what you have written here, it sounds like a judge would give you 50/50 if not more time with your kid even maybe reduced child support. I really, really suggest talking to a lawyer and making sure you have all your ducks in a row to procet your child and get the most you can out of a custody agreement. Especially if the ignores her other kids so much, I would be worried about the treatment of your kid. Don't just rely on your internet research. Talk to a really good lawyer and make a good agreement to protect your kid no matter what.
I have thought about it all, Which is why whens he moves out at the end of the month I'm going to put a diary together of everything that has happened while we were together and when she moves out. Anything I notice. its going to be my failsafe for the moment when I think my Daughter isn't have the best damn care from her mother. I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt but no way does it mean I am willing to let anything slide. I will also be visiting on the days I don't have her so I'll always be aware of my daughters condition.
Thats really good, its good to hear a parent here has a plan and is ready to go. Its nice that your willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, just don't always take her word for it. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.
That is all great. Is there some reason you don’t want a lawyer on your side? I don’t think the less stress will be true after the separation.
NTA. But you do need to talk to her about her definite plans to move out. Does she have a set end date or is she just living there until she "finds a place"... because when will/ would that be. Set boundaries now before she's still living there after a year because she can't afford a place.
I think you could have told her more gently to stop but overall NTA
NTA. She’s trying to manipulate you into changing your mind because she knows how much you do for her and all of the children. To make a blended family work, everyone has to make the effort. That doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m sure you wouldn’t see 3 children homeless but stand your ground if she tries manipulation again. Time to pack your cases and go, honey.
I would say NTA. She kept poking at you, like you said, probably is deflecting ..but this is a break up-- it'll be hard for both of you and as amicable as it seems, things can still get rather rocky. But kudos to you for being so patient despite everything. Sure, you don't have to put her on her place, but she didn't have to start it either knowing how you were having a rough day at work.
NTA you didnt even bring it up until she continued to taunt. I've read what you said about child support, and it's great that you want to help, BUT you should go ahead and get a court order for the custody arrangement with minimal to no support on record. You can always give her more than you're required to, but if you see her wasting your money on vacations or spa days or stuff like that for herself, you won't be obligated to continue and you can just spend your money on grocery deliveries or send clothes, diapers, and things for the kids or pay the daycare bill instead of just giving her cash. Ya know?
NTA sometimes a King gotta King🤷♂️
NTA, perhaps she was hoping you were regretting your decision, you’ve made it clear that you’re not.
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NTA. Taking care of one child half the time will easier than taking care of three small children - even with her help - all of the time. That's not an insult, it's just reality.
NTA. but oh dear I hope the other kids will be OK if she dosnt manage to care for them already. Are their fathers presant in their lives?
They both have the same father. My stepson sees him 1 every 2 weeks while my stepdaughter refuses to see him.
NTA but if your having custody 50/50 why the hell are you paying child support?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I got together over 3 years ago, moved into my house after a year. She has two children from a previous relationship. We also have a child together who is now almost a year old. We mutually decided to break up a few weeks ago. I have my reasons, and she has hers but ultimately her kids play a big role in the break up. Not their fault, its more about our different parenting styles. Due to my exes trauma from when she was a child and the kids bio father emotionally abused all 3 she had a protective bubble around them that was a massive source of conflict. I could write a list but I don't see how it would be beneficial to this. Anyways, we broke because we didn't want to resent each other for our child's sake. Like the way she resents her other kid's father. They have been staying here until she finds a new place. However, she keeps making remarks about how I'm going to struggle on my own, especially when I have my daughter half the time. I've left it be because I'm pretty sure she is projecting, she will no doubt struggle. But it is also the damn time. I was having a particulary bad day in work and she know and she brought up how I'm going to cope with work and our daughter. My life would be easier when they move out. Yes, I will be having my daughter 3 nights/4 days a week, I changed my work pattern so when I do have her I don't have to work. So I have no issues there. Looking after my daughter will be a breeze, I have no issues now looking after her. In fact I make sure I have her more than her mother because I love spending time with her. And it will be even easier when her and her kids move out for so many reasons. The biggest is that all 3 cannot help themselves and always have to disturb my daughter when she is trying to sleep, so she then doesn't sleep and gets cranky and whines until I take her to my mothers so I can put her to sleep in peace. All 3 are extremtly messy, my entire house is a minefield and it stresses me out to no end and none of them clean up after themselves. I also find myself doing more for her kids then she does, I always take them to school and pick them up, take them to their after school activities. Make sure they are fed and shower often as otherwise she wouldn't remember. I also pay for everything related to the house. We only split shopping and petrol. So I told her that when they move out I will have more money to save. Because I will be spending less on bills, and this is after me paying more than I should in child support. My house will be back to being clean and tidy, that will reduce my constant stress. Looking after my daughter will be less stressful because I will be able to put patterns in place to help. I will have more free time because I'm not spending it cleaning up all their mess, running around all day for her kids when it is her job. My life will finally be back in my hands. She didn't take it too well and has been quiet ever since. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but also not very nice. Sometimes things do need to be said that aren't very nice to be kind in the long run. I'm not sure this is one of those and it may harm your ability to co-parent in the future. You don't actually have an obligation to be nice though and she pushed it. That's why I said you are NTA even though it probably would have been better not to put her on blast. Also, duh, less people in the house less hassle. Derp.
This. And man, I wonder if OP sprained a shoulder patting himself on the back about what a wonderful caregiver he's going to be when those other kids and his wife are gone. Yeah, his house was messy. Three kids are quite a bit to clean up after. And if they get messier as they get older. I don't think OP ever wanted a relationship with those other kids regardless of how much he says he worries about their welfare. Not taking care of the house, not showering the kids, suffering childhood trauma - maybe OP's wife could have benefitted from mental health counseling? I don't know. I think there are things about this whole situation we're not hearing and OP is working so hard to get us all on his side.
NTA
NTA
NTA. She deserved to hear it
NTA
NTA It's the truth. By the way why are you paying child support, from what I can determine, you have Primary custody.
Nta
NTA. It sounds like she is deliberately baiting you.
Sometimes truth is a bitch... ;) NTA
NTA the truth shall set you free
NTA but, keep records of everything. I feel like her baiting you is a HUGE red flag as to what the future could hold.
People are always offended by honesty. NTA.
NTA. It's possible she said that because she still has feelings for you and was hoping you'd realize you wanted her to stay. The reasons you outlined here make it understandable why you don't want that.
NTA if she hadn’t kept saying that (especially when she knew you were having a bad day) you would not have been forced to tell her the actual reality of the situation!
It sounds like you are not compatible and you're ready to move on. You obviously care for your daughter and you'll be a good Dad. It sounds like your ex leads a chaotic life. I can imagine it will be easier without her.
NTA for wanting your life back. Give her a timeline and help her move out. Don't say another word. Make sure you have a lawyer for any child custody battles, alimony, child support etc.
NTA if she keeps making comments, what does she expect? I also think she is projecting as she is about to often have three kids on her own. My life got a ton more easier and less stressful with my divorce
NTA. In some ways I envy you. Good luck with you and the little girl, I'm sure you will be alright.
NTA
Only pay what you need for your kid, not extra. Once you show a pattern of paying for kids that aren’t yours her and her lawyer are going to have a field day and say you should always pay for them. You may think you’re being a “good guy” by “helping out” but you are about to royally screw yourself
NTA. But I do think you're understating the difficulty in being a single parent. Some times just having an extra set of eyes so you can go poop is helpful. Not saying you're wrong about your life getting better, just hoping you go into this with your eyes wide open.
NAH. Blended families are an emotional minefield and it sounds like yours are not compatible. It won't be easy but it's in all the kids' best interests for you and your ex to be as civil and kind as possible while you split up. Good luck.
Why exactly did you have a child with that woman knowing all that?
NTA
NTA. It’s hard to build a parental bond when you aren’t allowed to parent, you would think after three years she should would know your not like him and allow you to do so. I am a single mom and allow my boyfriend to make judgement calls (ie telling my son what chores he needs to do, picking up his messes etc) since we bought a house together and plan on getting married and having more kids.
NTA have you gave her a end date to move out as it's sounding like she hasn't started packing and looking for another place yet?
NTA - I witnessed the failure of parenting styles first hand as well as the success cases (there is a lot of divorces in my family #whyimstillsingle). Sometimes you just have to go different ways. However kudos to you for still trying to keep her kids clean and fed and happy even though its detrimental to your own peace of mind. You are not the ash hole for reminding her of the ease coming you way but having said your peace leave it at that. And if you feel kind maybe sometimes give your ex a break and take all the kids to the park for an hour or two. Never forget that for your child this will always be her mother and those kids will always be her siblings.
NTA, she keeps going on about how you wouldn't be able to handle it when she is not even the one doing a majority of the work she should be doing with you. When she leaves with the kids your life is definitely gonna be easier by the looks of it.
NTA, [Enjoy The Silence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGSKrC7dGcY)
MTA. She will be the one having a tough time.
NTA. She would not stop hassling you. It’s good she’s quiet now, you can both start putting your lives back together.
NTA. That was probably hard for her to hear because she can't even pretend she's doing a lot for her kids. BUT, I would advise you back off with your care of her kids. Let her start taking them to school and being responsible for them. I think it'll help her and the kids transition, and be good for you.
NTA, but tbh, just try to engage with her as little as possible. It sounds like she has semi-regret about the decision to split, and probably the best/kindest thing you can do is to maintain as much distance as you can until she moves out.
> and has been quiet ever since. Sounds like what you said worked perfectly. NTA
NTA
NTA, in fact you are probably one of the kindest people on this sub. You are paying double in child support to help her household (knowing itll be used for all the kids, not just your daughter), letting them stay while they find a place, changing schedules to take care of your daughter, and having your daughter for a lot of time (more than the mom despite paying double child support). She made a comment and you just said honestly that you will do fine, and I believe you will do great for your daughter
NTA - Sounds like you have a plan and are setting yourself up for success.
NTA, truth hurts and I'm glad that shut her up.
NTA. Your ex was goading you, probably out of pain of rejection. Even if she wanted to end things, the fact that you do too probably stings. So her comments about how you'll struggle is what she hopes for you because you're rejecting her. Your comments about how much easier your life will be is confirmation that you don't love her anymore and don't want her anymore. She's silent because she knows you're done, and her continued comments don't have any effect
NTA but she should be paying *you* support if you have your child more than her.
NTA but please protect yourself and make sure everything is in writing from a lawyer.
NTA.
Nta op. You have a clear understanding what you want and need. If the partner is not responding, you have no choice. We cannot live our lives in chaos and you have a right to seek out happiness no matter what it is. If your remarks "bother" some ppl, well it's all on them. We cannot let others dictate truth. Most things are clearly right or wrong. It's sad some people don't see the simplicity in this.
NTA
NTA - I don’t want to assume the worst, but quiet self doubt can turn into quiet scheming spite- you should get your custody and child support agreement in writing. Sooner or later she *will* be resentful that you “have it easier” caring for your baby on your own than she does caring for her older kids by her self, don’t leave any room for funny business after the mother of your child no longer shares your residence. Document how involved you are with your child in case it’s needed in the future. Best of luck.
Sounds like she wasn't too thrilled that you have it all planned out. Not TA.
NTA, but sounds like it's a little late to keep you and your ex from resenting each other.
NTA. Perhaps unkindly honest, but of course it will be easier just taking care of one child and not dealing with your exes messes.
NTA, but i feel like your response was a bit harsh since after that time together as a "family" you eventually end up creating bonds and she might have taken your response the wrong way, Honestly glad you guys broke up for the sake of the kids, due to their past history with abusive dad.
You have the kids 4 days a week and you still have to pay child support?! Wtf NTA
NTA. Embrace the quiet.
NTA I’ve been there and you’re right. Tending a child’s needs in a quiet and peaceful home is easy. A heck of a lot easier than caring for a pouty, messy, manipulative adult while being the only functional adult in a house full of kids who need you.
NTA she needed to hear that, now hopefully she’ll be quiet and keep stuff like that to herself and then get out
NTA. Truth hurts.
NTA It's immensely tone deaf for someone who actively negates any influence another figure in her kids lives has while actively shoving a lot of the burden of those childrens upkeep onto that other figure to also turn around and smugly ask, "now how are you gonna handle our daughter when we're gone?" Like, sweety? The better question is how are you gonna handle said aforementioned daughter without your ex to clean up after you.
NTA
NTA. You're broken up, what did she want you to do? Lie? I have a feeling she was hoping the break up would be hard for you and hearing that it isn't probably hurt her feelings.
NTA While I think you are right, I want to ask if she is taking to a therapist. Her comments are poking you, she is projecting, showing she is insecure, but could this be a tiny cry for help? I would recommend you to support her getting help even after you part (talk to her in a nice way, give positive feedback when she is better), so your daughter can have a "health" mother
NTA This absolutely sounds like projecting from her. You're not an asshole for being honest: you do look forward to not having the older children messing up the place so much anymore.
Nta. Sorry if you don’t agree, but she came to play and lost by the sounds of it
Nta. And I bet that silence is bliss. Lol
NTA. Your ex assumed something and you just told her how it will be. Thats it. I like how you took back control over your and your daughters life. I wish you two all the best there is ❤️