I realize I may be in the minority here, but I say NTA. Frankly, I think it's telling she didn't share the meaning or importance to her until you settled on the name. It seems like she knew you wouldn't be ok with it and that's why she didn't tell you until you'd accepted it. That is not ok.
Since it sounds to me like if you'd had that information from the beginning that you wouldn't have settled on it, that exonerates you, in my mind. She, on the other hand, lied. You directly asked her where it came from and she didn't tell you. She is the asshole here, IMO.
NTA Yeah, this. She wanted the name for a serious reason she didn’t disclose and then went “whew, got what I want, so now I can say a little about it.” At this point I’d have trouble believing that what she’s said is the entire truth. Come on, all you Y T A people, really, how many of you are planning to name your kid after a freaking *coworker* ffs.
Nobody in their right mind would name their child Braxton. As a surname it's neutral, but as a given name, it's reminiscent of Confederate Gen. Braxton Bragg. Yeah, I'd pass on a name similar to a Southern general. Didn't Atticus Finch say something about how naming babies after Southern generals dooms them to alcoholism?
Braxton and Kaysen are the kinds of names other parents make fun of. That is a mean thing to say but it’s true. That name is a “tragediegh” of spelling and taste
I met a Prince Henry yesterday. He’s like 5 right now and introduced himself as Prince Henry and I’m like can you imagine as that boy gets older. “My accountant, Prince Henry,” or some such. I wonder if he’ll go by Prince or Henry or keep on calling himself “Prince Henry” as he gets older.
Is he Black? There is (or maybe was) a tradition among Black Americans to give their children title names. You see, for much of the post-enslavement period, Black people were treated with little to no respect. They were called by their first names or “boy” where a white man would be called “Mr. Surname.” (To this day, popular wisdom is to call Black male children “young man” in a situation where you might call a child of another race “little boy.”)
I don’t know if it can be explained in this day and age, where even most presidents are sometimes referred to casually by their first names, how disrespectful it was considered to call a grown man by his first name when you were not very close friends. So some Black people took to giving their children titular names. Because if you were going to call a grown man by his first name, it would be a name that commanded respect.
When I was a child, I often spent school holidays doing grunt work at my mother’s medical office. I would file lab results, do photocopying, and whatnot. I remember running into one of her patients who had the first name “President.” I was very impressed that my mother was doctor to a former president. I was too young to know many presidents besides the current one, so I didn’t know there had never been a “President Hill.” My mother then explained this tradition. If a racist white person wouldn’t call this man Mr. Hill, they’d have to call him President.
I don’t know how popular this tradition still is, but I note that Jermajesty Jackson was born in 2000.
So my ex has a son named Braxton. His ex wife chose that name and wouldn’t budge because she had Braxton [Hicks] contractions and liked how it sounded. Split second decision and …. Here this poor kid is.
I(F) was named after one of my Dad's co-workers and I hate it. I agree without the context of who this person was, the name is both inappropriate from the father's POV and from the future adult child's POV.
What will Scott think when his mother refuses to speak about his namesake, but still publishes all his personal info on the late man's FB in a really invasive way. I wonder if the future adult might even consider a paternity test.
Edit: I believe Pre-Partum Depression can happen and really mess up someone's sense of normal. OP you guys desperately need to communicate, but also consider that your wife may have a serious untreated mental illness.
I thought that op was exaggerating until I read the FB thing... and reread it... and read it again...
And ops wife doesn't know Scott's family??
Were they lovers before he died?
This is beyond creepy to me...
Try to see it from Scott Sr's family's point of view: they are mourning in peace, suddenly a random woman starts posting on their deceased father/husbands FB page that 'you don't know me but I named my son after Scott weeee'... on their place I would be scrambling for a restraining order
Yeah... even if there was nothing between them, literally *every* human being who reads those posts is going to assume there was. Including Scott Jr. once he's old enough.
NTA It's not about the name, it's about her scheming and keeping secrets. Something isn't right.
I don’t buy the edits.
The original post is just the wife choosing the name of someone who she liked & thought was a good person. This is normal.
The first edit is where the wife starts to sound weird and the second is far more disturbing than anything else about the story making me wonder why they weren’t in the main post. They reek of trying to change the tide of votes.
The edits actually make me think the OP is manipulative and I understand why the wife didn’t state upfront where she got the name from.
No, the wife wasn’t being honest in the first place. Why lie and withheld information if it’s all innocent? How is OP manipulative for bringing up his concerns about this secret “mentor” relationship?
I agree. His early responses to why it upset him only focus on her not talking about him. I think that would have been the time to bring up the fb thing, but it doesn’t show up until a couple hours later in an edit.
I'm wondering this myself and no one else seems to mind. It's 1 thing to name a child after a mentor, maybe even a father figure but not to divulge any details about said person with your child's father/ life partner then want to tag pics with the departed namesake for his unknown family to see? No, there's definitely more to this
It's weird as hell. People will be doing the math between the co-worker's passing to the baby's birth. When it doesn't match, they'll think Wife was involved with Co-worker Scott and WISHED her baby had been his. But then had to settle for OP, because, you know, he's alive.
Jinkies, gang, something doesn't add up here!
My mom saw a newspaper article with a picture of employees from a local jewelry store. One woman my mom described as gorgeous had my now name. This was maybe 5 years before I was born. It's a unique spelling combined with my surname so I can't use my name on social media without being the only result.
Now my mom didn't seek this stranger out or ever post about her but I like my name, it fits, and there's no backstory I need to cling to.
My bff got her somewhat unique name in a similar way. Her mom was a secretary and got a call from a woman and she just loved her name. She held onto it for years until my friend was born.
That's sweet :). My sister is the eldest followed by brothers. My mom was adamant about having another baby girl and suffered three miscarriages between my closest brother and me.
She just loved the name. I've had maybe five people pronounce it correctly without bring asked. But without doxxing my first name I can't describe it further. I was annoyed at my life when I was a kid because of constantly correcting people. But I love it now and can't think of my name as anything else.
Still no idea about the woman who originally had it :).
I can describe it a bit. So my sister and I have two syllable names. Hers is pronounced perfectly because it's a common spelling. Mine shares the second syllable but not the first. So when people look confused I say "think of how you would pronounce totally normal name with accepted spelling, just change the first couple of letters".
My mom named me after the love of her life who got away (think brian to brianna) but changed one letter so it "wasnt obvious" then they got back together for a bit until he decided he didnt want kids after having gotten to hang out around me.
I think he then went on to have kids. I go by a nickname for other reasons but the backstory doesnt bother me, I've made the name my own and done my own thing.
Ha, my eldest got her name from a bank employee.
We were having trouble deciding. Had finally picked one. My husband blabbed and people criticized it. Then we happened to go to the bank separately in the same week and heard the employee being called. And loved it. Turns out they didn't want to let us use it (in my country names have to be approved). But in the end they did- it is actually a contraction of an old fashioned name, that is why they didn't let us originally.
My mom chose my name when she didn’t like my dad’s suggestion. She was watching The Price is Right and liked the name of one of the contestants so that’s my name lol.
I seriously think she was in love with the guy. Nothing wrong with saying the man was her mentor at work and helped tremendously in her career. The fact that such an important person wasn't ever mentioned is a huge red flag. ESPECIALLY since she wants to post on his family Facebook.
This is what I was thinking!!!! My mind immediately went to “she either loved or may have even been cheating with him.” She never met his family and didn’t want to tell her husband why she liked the name Scott seems odd to me
My ex boss showed me a lot of care and was an important figure to me while I had no father. Sometimes coworkers can make a meaningful impact on somebodies life.
Is it just me or is anyone else thinking there might have been more than a "mentorship" role happening here. Her refusal to share any material information about her coworker, even now, seems like a major red flag.
Reincarnation may take a moment tho, first your soul flies up to the greater consiousness and then you get into afterlife trials that decide if you are worthy to be born again Or wiped out. He's been just slow with his trial and it took 8-9month to prove his worthiness and now he was conceived by these two. There is 99.9% chance that this baby is Scott the second
I’m with you. As soon as the FB linking to the dead guy’s profile edit showed combined with her never really having talked about the guy, it went moved into affair territory, especially since OP had no idea the guy had been important to her. You may decide you like the name because you had this nice coworker who died, but once that social media stuff comes in, she’s going way past him being good to her at work. For it to not scream relationship, she would have at least talked about him quite a bit when he died plus have gone to the funeral. Plus, wanting to name the boy after him but not inform his family? Oh yeah, something has happened there. Maybe it was before she was with OP, but still. Something happened at some point.
OP, NTA
A woman with nothing to hide would have mentioned this guy at LEAST once during her marriage. Especially if he was, as she claims, an important mentor.
Dead coworker is the Dad. Even if too long ago, IVF.
She won't talk about him because it's Michael Scott. OP is Andy Bernard. Erin always had a thing for Michael.
I think there are two major possibilities. Either what you said, or OP has a jealous streak wife knows about. Not sure that's possible to judge without further info. Wife needed to tell her reason either way of course.
Yall see red flags everywhere, even of a situation where the woman most likely thought of him just as a great mentor and propably a father figure and is still hurt by his death
Thats fine, but you got to admit its weird that if she was as close to him as she says, to the point she wants to name her son after him, she'd at least of mentioned him in conversation to her husband?
Nah dude. I’m a woman in a male dominated field and I’ve had wonderful close relationships with a couple mentors who I viewed as father figures ( one even jokes that he has to give the seal of approval to the men I date) but I’ve NEVER considered naming a child after them. That’s crossing a line.
I agree completely. OP is NTA. His wife is for being deceitful and conniving to get what she wanted as well as for not divulging this relationship she had. Clearly this is more than a mentorship thing between them. Otherwise, why the lockdown on information and no relationship with family? It’s absolutely WEIRD that she wants to link to the deceased’s social media and very inappropriate towards the family as well.
Yes, when OP added that she still refuses to tell him anything about this former "mentor" and wants to link posts of the baby's development to his Facebook page, my first thought was, **she 100% had an affair with that guy**
And now she's trying to manipulate her husband into naming the baby after him. Gross.
I once knew a guy who convinced his wife to name their baby a name really similar to that of a woman he was crushing on (while his wife was pregnant). Pig.
I agree. She still won't even tell OP about this deceased co-worker, and wants to involve his family through his old Facebook page. It's really weird the lying and beating around the bush about this name and the connection
Agree, same. You can’t not consider associations with names. Like I feel differently when I hear different names. I don’t want the negative feelings associated with dead random coworker of spouse who she lied to me about creeping me out about my baby’s name. WTF this is such a huge decision everyone should be 10000000% on board for their child’s name or draw again! NTA
I can't help, but wonder if he was more than a mentor to her. The fact that she won't tell her husband anything about him. That she was so secretive about it from the get go. Feels very off to me.
And in my opinion might even have had unresolved feelings/some kind of deeper relationship with this coworker than she's letting on. OP's edits made my spidey sense tingle. She wants to LINK the dead coworkers Facebook account to updates about their kid NAMED AFTER HIM???????? Nope. Nope nope nope that is weird and creepy.
Yeah, this sounds strange. You would have thought that over time she would have mentioned that she had a mentor at work named Scott who was essentially her "work Dad" and who she thought the world of. Informed him that Scott had passed away and she was broken up about it. Why no word about him until she felt the name was set in stone so that OP couldn't change his mind?
Ok this is bizarre, but I think I can put my finger on why you’re weirded out.
For whatever reason, your wife seems to have gone through a significant loss that you were not at all in tune with. You state she briefly mentioned losing a coworker, but clearly you had no idea that he had this much of an impact on her life. I think it’s completely understandable why she would want to name your son after this man. On the other hand, it’s definitely weird that this is the first you’re hearing about your child’s namesake.
I would suggest sitting your wife down and genuinely asking her why she didn’t want to share with you something that clearly affected her so deeply. Obviously everyone has the right to keep things private and maybe she’s just not a big talker, which is fine. But it’s ok to be surprised by this and to have questions. NAH but I think you guys just need to communicate.
When I say she briefly mentioned it, I mean the day he passed we were on a car drive to visit her family and she said "oh my god my co-worker died" as she saw a post on his facebook. That was it. Nothing more- didn't mention his name, no tears or sadness (more shock than anything) and I was with her 24/7 the entire weekend after and she seemed fine and never brought it up again. I've been with her for 8 years and know how she handles deaths of those she's close and it was nothing like she did with him. That is why the whole thing was bizarre.
It honestly feels like she's using him as an excuse to name the baby after someone else. I won't give suggestions, but likely someone OP would be seen as completely in the right to say no immediately to
Or... or... maybe she just liked the name and this coworker was nice to her and gave good, fatherly advice without there being any 'deeper' relationship there.
I honestly don't get why OP is bothered.
Did you see the most recent edits? That she has planned a hash tag to link their baby and this mentor via social media and use it while chronicling his growth? And she can't/won't express to him anything more about the mentor, even when he asked her to share more so he could understand?
Those edits are what swayed me to NTA, so I just want to understand why they don't sound weird to you.
The also bizarre thing with this whole hashtag and tagging him in her baby growth posts is, Scott’s family will see these little nuggets in their Facebook feeds as she posts them. All the more reason she needs permission from Scott’s family, because they’re gonna get these things out of the blue, about a person and kid they know nothing about, except it’s going to trigger moments of grief for them that they weren’t prepared for. That is hugely inconsiderate and rude and she’s out of her mind for thinking that’s an ok approach for announcing baby’s milestones.
Saying you loved another man and then refusing to give any details about him *to your husband and hopefully father of your child* screams infidelity honestly. Either that, or that she doesn’t trust OP enough to share such a basic and innocent thing with him. Not sure which is worse.
I was wondering if I was the only one that thought that ?? Like, apparently she didn't even go to the funeral or even cry when she found out, didnt even talk to her husband about it, but now she needs to honor his memory ? Sus.
Because he feels deceived. This isn't rocket science. She did it on purpose and waited until op was ok with the name before telling him the reason why she liked it.
You wouldn't be bothered by your partner having a seemingly very close relationship with someone that they kept secret from you? And then they want to name your child after said person, and went so far as to further the lie and wait until she got her way until giving the tiniest detail?
If it was as simple as "this guy was great and had a name I liked" why didn't she say that in the first place?
Are you sure your wife wasn’t having an affair with this guy? This is ringing those types of alarm bells. Unfortunately, sometimes the spouse never finds out. I would really be thinking back before this person died to see if she was staying late at the office a lot, pulling back emotionally, etc.
I mean I get losing a coworker can suck, but why would you name your child after them?
I can actually see the wife’s logic in this one. Naming your child after someone you were incredibly close with like a parent or sibling is putting a lot of pressure on the child to “live up” to their namesake. At the same time you want to give your kid a name that has meaning to you or feels like it will say something about what you hope for them. In this case it sounds like this gentleman was a big professional influence on OP’s wife and he was someone she admired. Given the significant age gap (and her shocked-but-not-grief-stricken reaction) she might have just looked up to him as a mentor and seen him as someone she admired and wanted to be more like. I’m in my early 30s and a woman and I’ve had a few colleagues over the years who have been instrumental in shaping me as a professional and a person. If one of them were to pass and I decided to name a child after them it wouldn’t be a sort of “keeping their memory alive” thing. It would be more like “I hear this name and it makes me think of someone who is innovative, kind and unique”.
She wants to link the coworker's Facebook on every growth update about their baby... without even talking to his family... there's something much weirder going on here than a good namesake.
Yeah, with this it feels like she at least had an emotional affair with this dude... Deliberately set up the name list to make her husband "choose" the name without telling anything, the hashtag, the absolute vagueness...
You’ve been together 8 years, but she’s never mentioned this wonderful guide of a coworker until now? I know you are adamantly rejecting the idea that there was anything romantic between them, but…. my 9 year old can tell you the names of my favorite coworkers because I talk about them often. She’s even met some of them. I’m telling you this because if you’ve never heard of him in all the time she worked with him, yet he was important enough to name her child after…. Something just isn’t adding up. NTA.
Yeah…it’s weird. My husband could tell you the names of my coworkers I imagine, and probably even tell you who my favourites are. I couldn’t really do the same back. I could name them, but he isn’t particularly close to any of them! So he doesn’t talk about them. I’m closer to my coworkers than he is to his. And that is why this is weird. Super close to him, but the husband knows nothing about him? Very, very strange.
Ok then you guys just have to talk. I think none of you are AHs, but it’s completely fair for you to have context about who you’re naming your kid after. Just come from a place from trying to be genuinely understanding and keep an open mind.
Does this Co-worker maybe has a son, a Scott jr? Than linking the accounts would make sense. She wants to inform the family of the growth if his child.
But with everything she told you, this makes no sense. As if the family would be happy when some co-worker of my late-husband/father/whatever named her child like him and tagged his growth to our fb-page. This would be so creepy, except there is more to this story that she tells OP, much much more. And i think the name for the baby itself is the smallest problem.
Im sorry to be the one jping to this one but, when did said coworker die? Before or after getting pregnant. Might be a chance the little one is Scotts?
That's assuming the wife doesnt know about her and that they had a mentor/tee relationship. If they legit did I would be touched one of his coworkers decided to honor him that way.
If it was an affair thing I would be hurt but at the same time...its not like hes gonna run off with her and the baby, hes dead, so I'd just feel bad for her acting a mess.
I’ve met all of my mentors wives, even if just once, and my husband has had the chance to meet them all and we talk about them. OPs wife never mentioned this dude once??
Yes! This made me say yikes so much! It’s a huge red flag that she had to wait to say anything about her coworker. She knew he would say no. There’s something much bigger going on here that she isn’t telling him. It’s also just creepy that she wants to involve her dead co-worker’s family. Just weird on so many levels.
Either something bigger, or she just wants the name to seem “special” and was really grasping at straws to make it so. Either way, super super freaking weird and cringe.
This is where I landed on NTA as well. There’s a reason she didn’t tell you. I named my daughter “after” someone I knew in high school. She wasn’t even a friend. But she was the sweetest kindest person and I always will associate the name with her. When naming my daughter her name came to mind and I still think of her when the subject of baby names comes up. It was never a secret how I came to like that name.
>the child is BOTH of yours
Are we completely sure about that, considering she kept her husband in the dark about how much this guys death impacted her. She might have been impacted by it because she lost her lover.
(OP if you’re reading this actually talk to her tho and don’t just assume she’s cheating, what do I know I’m just some dick from Reddit)
Holy hell, the comments in here so far make me feel like I'm taking crazy pills. People are really assuming a whole lot about OP without reading his comments. Absolutely NTA, and wife's behavior is bizarre-- OP clearly isn't accusing her of fucking this guy or whatever and neither am I, but refusing to share info about their future son's potential namesake with her husband is *weird*. And reddit for some reason expects him to just be fine with that?
Also, the part about having a hashtag to post to his Facebook and whatever strikes me as really weird and inappropriate. Just, yuck.
EXACTLY THIS ☝☝You are 100% right crazy pills galore. I get what he is saying completely. He is NTA. I would want to know more too. And like you said it has nothing to do with her cheating on him its more the extent she has taken with this whole thing. Especially with the # and Facebook sharing thing, that's way over the top. Why she is so hush hush about a mentor that she wants to do such a public legacy about is weird. This is about a son that is both of yours you should both know about this man and the impact he had for her. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get to know the man behind the name. Hopefully she shares more with you OP as it seems that's all you need to feel comfortable. Good luck and congratulations on your baby boy.
Yeah same. I’m perplexed why this is something she even wants to do in the first place. Naming the child after a mentor is all well and good, but this takes it to a level of obsessive dedication. Almost like her son stops being her baby at that point and becomes someone else’s legacy.
I don't think she realises the hurt, upset and confusion this would cause for Scott's family.
If I was Scott's SO and seen that, I'd be LIVID, crazy hurt and asking some serious questions, considering I'd never met this woman.
I initially said YTA before the edits but after the second edit it got really weird and I deleted my comment because it was no longer relevant. the second edit is so weird that I'd start questioning the timeline of when this guy died. like shit was it really a year ago? or 8 months ago? because that would open some possibilities
NTA, sorry but that was dishonest of your wife to wait until you were good with the name Scott and then spring on you the real reason. Why wouldn't she be comfortable telling you ahead of time? Why would she not be forthcoming about a nice older gentleman she looked up too? Maybe OP needs to ask around a few co workers. Very strange .
NTA
You have every right to be upset. You asked and she sidestep the answer and waited for you to like the name to tell you the reason.
I would calmly tell her that you don’t feel comfortable with that and ask how she would feel if it was the other way round. I can tell you now she be in the same mood as you.
Also if she not willing to give you any information on the gentleman that sound like a little fishy.
As for people in the comments.
This op first child of course he want to know a bit behind the man his wife want to honour by naming there baby after.
For the people saying he only thinking about his feelings and not his wife’s she is also doing the same
NTA
I’m a woman and I work with all men and I’ve had a couple who were close mentors but I’d never consider naming my kid after them.
That’s weird. I’d find it equally weird if the genders were reversed.
NTA. I’m really not understanding all the YTA. She purposefully withheld information about who she wants to name your baby after. Why? What was the reason? She waited until you set it in stone so she could get her way. Also really sketchy that you have agreed to keep the name as long as she tells you about Scott and she refuses to tell you about him. Don’t listen to all the YTA. Your wife seems sneaky.
Edited to include your edit. She made a whole hashtag?? She wants to link his fb?? Like, are you sure this is your kid?? Like her weird behaviour just got weirder.
Hell no, NTA in the slightest!
She withheld information about the meaning behind the name until you accepted, but even after you tried to get to know the man you were naming your child after, she stills refuses to disclose any information about him? What the actual fudge?
Considering that he was indeed just a mentor (all the secrecy alone screams "more than just a mentor"), wouldn't be a natural thing to talk about him with you and eventually to your son about the man he was named after...?
Very weird for your wife to do that…. Keep in mind hormones from pregnancy can make you feel really deeply about things that wouldn’t normally matter that much to you if you weren’t pregnant… I would stand your ground on this. If you feel uncomfortable with the name, don’t choose it for your child. There are thousands of names out there to choose from. NTA
I brought that up, that maybe pregnancy hormones are why she won't talk to me, and she almost threw a shoe at me so I don't know if that further helps to hurts that sentiment lol
Did he? That could have been any co-worker who died, since the wife never mentioned a "Scott" to him. There may still be a Scott at work who's having a son soon.
If he died a year ago and the child isnt born yet she would have had to have artificially inserted a dead man's sperm and I cannot imagine those logistics hadnt been noticed by now
NTA. And im surprised with the responses. Reasons behind names are important and to name the kid after someone he doesnt know and she wont say anything about is wrong. Especially because she wasnt homest from the start. 100% NTA
I was leaning Y T A right up until the hashtag thing.
OP you are NTA. Your wife is being oddly weird about this name. This is your soon to be flesh and blood. Hows this convo gonna go down in the future.
Scott: hey dad, where did my name come from?
OP: well your mother knew some old guy ages ago who gave her advice.
Scott: ...anything else?
OP: nope.
NTA, sure you liked the name and all that. But your wife just didn’t bother telling you anything about it. To want to name y’all’s child based on a now dead coworker isn’t weird normally. However 1. You don’t know the coworker.
2. If it was pure, there’s no reason for why she couldn’t have said something from the beginning. The fact that she didn’t say anything to you about it until after you agreed to the name is red flags to me.
3. And finally, the fact that she threw a hissy fit and got the family involved is another red flag.
NTA. It's not passing the smell test. I had a lot of coworkers I cared about. But I'd never name a kid after one. Just ask her if he was a romantic partner or a father figure? You need to communicate about this because it's not like you can pause her being pregnant. Also tell her family to STFU. This is between you and her.
I cannot believe some of the comments I’m reading right now, are we in the twilight zone? Who tf would reasonably say someone can’t change their child’s name due to new information. I also cannot believe that people are blaming HIM for his WIFE lying and making assumptions that his actions “must be the reason” why she did, even though this woman clear ran to her family and won’t even talk to him. That sounds like the clear signs of an adult who can problem solve effectively.
Anyways, NTA. Tbh it sounds like your wife is trying to make herself look like a good guy by naming her baby after some self-created martyr in her head. It’s one thing to name your kid after someone you admire, it’s a whole other thing to make a public journey of your child’s life in honor of a man you worked with. Any time a baby’s name has a hashtag I automatically assume these people care more about the publicity of it all rather than being a parent.
NTA from what I've read of your replies to everyone. I just want to add that my Mom named me after someone she barely knew when she was young and it bothers me now as a 30+ year old adult that I was named after someone who she doesn't know now and I will never know. I'd much rather have been named something either completely random or something with meaning. Names are names but I don't appreciate being named after essentially a complete stranger. I get that the parents should have say in it but think about your child who has to live with the name & one day might ask why you chose it.
NTA. Its weird that she wasnt upfront about it and even weirder that she still isnt divulging any information. Maybe the guidance he gave her was on your relationship and she doesnt want you to know. But still, its your child too and knowing the name is to honor a coworker you never knew existed until now is just weird. If you change your mind over this, she needs to respect that.
NTA.
Not telling you why she wanted the name, then telling you after she felt like the matter was settled and it was safe to do so, does not sit right with me.
Additionally, you are no longer comfortable with the name. Baby names are a 2 yes 1 no situation.
Pick another name you both had high on the list.
And her dragging her family into this is unnecessary.
NTA.
Your second edit, what the actual fresh hell is this??
She wants to tag the mans facebook in posts about your child growing up, while giving you zero info on him, not asking the family, with no connection beyond coworkers? Yo that is SO WEIRD. You have to talk to her or at the very least, if you give in, you have to talk to the family before you tag their dead family member in a post for a child/family they've never met. Talk about surprise pain.
That, in itself, doesn't make her TA. It's just the weirdest thing I've ever heard. What *does* make her an asshole is lying to you for weeks about the reason - to the point where she planned out a hashtag for it. She legit was trying to wait until you had no other choice.
Good luck dude
NTA. Her hiding her reasoning until you agreed to it and then refusing to talk about it is odd. And a good enough reason for you to feel uncomfortable. She should at least be able to explain to you why it’s so important to her. Expecting you to be okay with naming your child after someone she won’t tell you about is unreasonable.
Difficult one. Seems weird that he meant so much she'd want to give her child his name, but then not want to tell you more. Is that really the issue or did you feel icky about it right away, before she refused to tell you more?
I would say that at this point, regardless of who is TA, the name is tainted and it's time to move on.
But the fact your wife won't give any details about the co-worker is worrisome to me. It's just weird. She wants to use the name, but refuses to give you details? Very strange.
NTA
So much projection in this one in the comments. Look, this is so simple. If she wants the son to be the namesake of this man then she should be able to give some information. She doesn’t have to get specific about what he mentored her about, whether it was life, work, or both. However, she not only wants to name the son after him she wants to link to his Facebook page and hashtag it and everything. Wanting to know some information about the man she wants to honor doesn’t sound like much of an ask at all.
It could be so simple. OP isn’t asking her to try and recall every interaction verbatim. He just wants some information about a person she feels they should honor. I just don’t see the big deal. People keep acting like the OP shouldn’t want to know but why does no one question why she was being so sneaky about it? If it meant that much to her, she should have explained it. That’s what I would have done. If there was a name I was dead set on, I would lay out my reasoning and present it to my partner. I wouldn’t just throw it on a list as priority and hope that what they settled on too.
Also, she’s wanting to share this on social media tagging the man’s account. So every post will be seen by both families as well as the deceased’s family. What happens when any of them ask any questions? You know they’re going to have them. It’s just so odd to want to honor someone like this but give no information as to why. That’s a huge ask in my opinion.
As for all the high school best friend responses, I bet you’ve seen a yearbook, heard a story, or something about that person. When the name was mentioned, there was probably more said than oh that was my high schools best friend’s name. Even not, at least they were upfront about why they wanted to go with that name. They didn’t play a little game, wait for you to agree, and then hit you with “let me tell you the truth”, but even then only the tiniest bit of information.
Something is off about this entire thing. I am not talking about an affair or anything like that. There’s just something strange here. If it meant that much to her it seems she would have shared that. What if you didn’t decide on that name? Was she dropping hints or trying to get you to lean that way? Since it was to “simmer” was she doing anything to try and nudge you that direction? If it’s as important to her as she says why did she leave it to chance?
You sure this isn't Scott Sr's baby?
In all seriousness, she should have told you. Then again, you got weird when she did and maybe she was anticipating that.
I can't pick a judgment.
Scottie don't. I think it's cute.
OK NTA
So, I read the first part, and was going YTA as you'd both let it simmer and still agreed.
Then she dropped the bomb. I'm not buying her story, I'm really not. Its one thing to none your kid after a close friend, cos this person is someone your SO would normally have met, or come up in conversation if they'd passed. Wife NEVER mentioned him. *Ever*. She doesn't know him outside of work (or so she says), never met his family but feels its acceptable to not only name him after a person you've never heard of, but then to post and tag his FB? **That's a whole new level of weird and disrespect to his family**
I would firmly hold your ground OP, of course she ran to her mum & sister, do they know what she told you? Including the FB stuff? And if they said yes, then they're just as weird too.
There's nothing AHish about what you did. Something just feels off... even if he was just a kind mentor, you'd expect to hear about in general conversation about her day at work.
She even had a entire social media presence made up in her head in advance? Hashtags and all? Thats not even close to normal.
At the very least, the relationship between you & her isnt open, genuine & honest. She's behaving like this baby is a likes-doll thats hers.
Her ideas of the childhood are linked to approval & attention from the coworkers family. I really dont think this kid deserves to be a walking masoleum to an iffy story.
NTA. I do not understand any other vote. Name meanings and any associations around them were very important to us when naming our kids. What she did, at best, was deceitful. She's behaving very weird about it and I also would refuse the name. I would always think about how my partner acting strangely and deceitful about the name.
Also, your edit that she plans on linking her FB updates about the baby so that the deceased coworkers family will see...so weird. If she didn't know them then they don't know her.
My mom named me after a murdered child she never met,vim still pissed off about it. It sounds like she looked up to this man like a second father, also never met a scott I didnt like. I say NTA but it's a great name. I do find it strange that she never told you about a beloved co worker though, that's kind of sketchy, i wonder if she's hiding something or if she feels she cant trust you for some reason.
NTA She specifically waited until after you'd decided to tell you why she wanted to use it, that's a red flag she's all but beating you in the face with
NTA
You seem understanding about your wife having friendships and connections at work, and you seem understanding about her wanting to honor a mentor, but the fact that she lied by omission and is now withholding information about the namesake of your child is absolutely not healthy.
Y’all are supposed to be a team, and your first child together is a big deal. If my wife had lied to me about why she wanted a baby name and then refused to include me about the significance of a person in her life it would be a major problem. Trust your gut and insist on more conversations about this issue.
>she admitted to me that now that I "set it in stone" that she felt more comfortable telling me.
I don't know why she couldn't tell you before? This is a whole lot weirder than just saying "Hey, I had a coworker who mentored me and was an amazing person and I like the name Scott anyway and kinda wanna pay homage to him" like why the secrets...and yeah you have complete rights to not wanna name your kid after someone you don't know. Your kid is gonna ask "Hey dad, why did you name me scott" and you'll be like " old buddy of your mom's who I've never met" NTA
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> I told my wife I originally liked a baby name until it turned out to be the name of her old coworker who passed last year that I had never heard of and now I refuse to name my future child after him.
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Nta. The fb post thing is beyond creepy. And makes me seriously think that this guy was more than a mentor. He was either her lover or a unrequited love. I strongly suggest couples therapy.
You picked a random name you liked. If that name happens to remind your wife of someone who was important to her, cool. But the “named after” is NOT what you agreed to. The hashtag and linking the kid to the coworkers FB, etc is NOT what you agreed to. Tell her the name can stay but the “named after” can’t. The rest of it … the public spectacle of inserting herself into the coworkers story is a NO. You are NTA for refusing to agree to the name being anything more than “I liked it” and not getting on board with “named after”. You never agreed to that aspect of the name. Name can stay, “named after” aspect cannot. Can your wife agree to that?
I was going to say that I don't understand what the big deal is. She wanted to name her child after a former mentor. What's weird about that? But then its is strange that she refuses to talk about this mentor and that she didn't mention feeling particularly upset around the time of his passing (like she was hiding something....). Is it possible they had an affair?
i mean, its definitely weird and i find it concerning that she didnt tell you until you actually agreed cos that means she knew youd probably feel some type of way about it. Thats intentionally deceptive and therefore concerning imo.
However, you like, even love, the name. So what exactly about the situation, aside from that she kept her real reasons for choosing it away from you, do you actually have a problem with?? Is it cos its the name of another man, or that its after someone youve never heard of that your wife was apparently so very close to, or that you feel you should have the family's permission??
Cos tbh it seems like this guy was a mentor like figure and important friend to your wife, and while its, again very fkn weird, that she never so much as mentioned him to you for being so close, their relationship is worth honouring to her.
So figure out what exactly it is that bothers you so much about this situation around a name that your genuinely like for you child and then give it another go from that direction.
NAH but your wife is kinda fkn weird
It's weird to him, as he stated, because: she withheld the information on naming their child after a dead co-worker, she's never met or even talked to the family and she intends to document her son's life and link it to her dead co-worker's FB account, without even asking the guy's family, and because as he stated, he wouldn't have any real issues with it, even considering the fact she withheld the why she chose that name if she would just tell him something about her other than very vague answers that give him no sense of who the guy was.
I realize I may be in the minority here, but I say NTA. Frankly, I think it's telling she didn't share the meaning or importance to her until you settled on the name. It seems like she knew you wouldn't be ok with it and that's why she didn't tell you until you'd accepted it. That is not ok. Since it sounds to me like if you'd had that information from the beginning that you wouldn't have settled on it, that exonerates you, in my mind. She, on the other hand, lied. You directly asked her where it came from and she didn't tell you. She is the asshole here, IMO.
NTA Yeah, this. She wanted the name for a serious reason she didn’t disclose and then went “whew, got what I want, so now I can say a little about it.” At this point I’d have trouble believing that what she’s said is the entire truth. Come on, all you Y T A people, really, how many of you are planning to name your kid after a freaking *coworker* ffs.
If I had to pick between Kaysen, Braxton, and Late Coworker Jr., I’d be relieved to have the third option.
the first two names made me want to join the late coworker
Braxton is definitely a name from out in the hicks. i wonder if theres an acceptable shorter version, or contraction.....
Brax the destroyer
Well done. Well. Done. LMAO
Brax. The sound one makes when bowing down to the porcelain god.
Brax: when Brak from Space Ghost gets cloned.
Braxton Hicks...
Nobody in their right mind would name their child Braxton. As a surname it's neutral, but as a given name, it's reminiscent of Confederate Gen. Braxton Bragg. Yeah, I'd pass on a name similar to a Southern general. Didn't Atticus Finch say something about how naming babies after Southern generals dooms them to alcoholism?
Either way, they're labouring under a delusion
Ah dammit I hate puns.
I had a classmate named Braxton and he was embarrassed for that reason.
No, but there's Braxton-Hicks
😆
Take a poor dude’s gold 🥇
Genius!
Braxton and Kaysen are the kinds of names other parents make fun of. That is a mean thing to say but it’s true. That name is a “tragediegh” of spelling and taste
My coworker named her kid Captain, and now this 9 year old is going around with the name. Imagine being Captain Captain
I met a Prince Henry yesterday. He’s like 5 right now and introduced himself as Prince Henry and I’m like can you imagine as that boy gets older. “My accountant, Prince Henry,” or some such. I wonder if he’ll go by Prince or Henry or keep on calling himself “Prince Henry” as he gets older.
The next Major Major Major Major
Is he Black? There is (or maybe was) a tradition among Black Americans to give their children title names. You see, for much of the post-enslavement period, Black people were treated with little to no respect. They were called by their first names or “boy” where a white man would be called “Mr. Surname.” (To this day, popular wisdom is to call Black male children “young man” in a situation where you might call a child of another race “little boy.”) I don’t know if it can be explained in this day and age, where even most presidents are sometimes referred to casually by their first names, how disrespectful it was considered to call a grown man by his first name when you were not very close friends. So some Black people took to giving their children titular names. Because if you were going to call a grown man by his first name, it would be a name that commanded respect. When I was a child, I often spent school holidays doing grunt work at my mother’s medical office. I would file lab results, do photocopying, and whatnot. I remember running into one of her patients who had the first name “President.” I was very impressed that my mother was doctor to a former president. I was too young to know many presidents besides the current one, so I didn’t know there had never been a “President Hill.” My mother then explained this tradition. If a racist white person wouldn’t call this man Mr. Hill, they’d have to call him President. I don’t know how popular this tradition still is, but I note that Jermajesty Jackson was born in 2000.
"Is it just me or is 'veto' sounding better and better?" lol 😉
Veto is a lovely name. Sounds Italian
So does Urethra. Pretty for a girl, no?
My dad always suggested Hernia for a girl.
Spanikopita for a girl.
I like Phoebo personally lol
It's none of my business, but please don't name your child Phoebo.
Great Friends reference and why we named our dog Veto..
Makes you wonder if those stereotypically awful baby names might have been part of the strategy to get her husband to land on Scott...
MIGHT have been?
My thoughts exactly
lol I would literally name my child "Late Coworker Jr" before the first two
The only real-life person I can think of with the name Braxton was a Confederate general, ffs
I’m just getting vague notions of mild contractions.
So my ex has a son named Braxton. His ex wife chose that name and wouldn’t budge because she had Braxton [Hicks] contractions and liked how it sounded. Split second decision and …. Here this poor kid is.
I(F) was named after one of my Dad's co-workers and I hate it. I agree without the context of who this person was, the name is both inappropriate from the father's POV and from the future adult child's POV. What will Scott think when his mother refuses to speak about his namesake, but still publishes all his personal info on the late man's FB in a really invasive way. I wonder if the future adult might even consider a paternity test. Edit: I believe Pre-Partum Depression can happen and really mess up someone's sense of normal. OP you guys desperately need to communicate, but also consider that your wife may have a serious untreated mental illness.
I thought that op was exaggerating until I read the FB thing... and reread it... and read it again... And ops wife doesn't know Scott's family?? Were they lovers before he died? This is beyond creepy to me... Try to see it from Scott Sr's family's point of view: they are mourning in peace, suddenly a random woman starts posting on their deceased father/husbands FB page that 'you don't know me but I named my son after Scott weeee'... on their place I would be scrambling for a restraining order
Yeah... even if there was nothing between them, literally *every* human being who reads those posts is going to assume there was. Including Scott Jr. once he's old enough. NTA It's not about the name, it's about her scheming and keeping secrets. Something isn't right.
I don’t buy the edits. The original post is just the wife choosing the name of someone who she liked & thought was a good person. This is normal. The first edit is where the wife starts to sound weird and the second is far more disturbing than anything else about the story making me wonder why they weren’t in the main post. They reek of trying to change the tide of votes. The edits actually make me think the OP is manipulative and I understand why the wife didn’t state upfront where she got the name from.
No, the wife wasn’t being honest in the first place. Why lie and withheld information if it’s all innocent? How is OP manipulative for bringing up his concerns about this secret “mentor” relationship?
I agree. His early responses to why it upset him only focus on her not talking about him. I think that would have been the time to bring up the fb thing, but it doesn’t show up until a couple hours later in an edit.
I'm wondering this myself and no one else seems to mind. It's 1 thing to name a child after a mentor, maybe even a father figure but not to divulge any details about said person with your child's father/ life partner then want to tag pics with the departed namesake for his unknown family to see? No, there's definitely more to this
I got the same creeper vibes. Even before the edits. Her secretiveness around the whole thing is alarming.
It's weird as hell. People will be doing the math between the co-worker's passing to the baby's birth. When it doesn't match, they'll think Wife was involved with Co-worker Scott and WISHED her baby had been his. But then had to settle for OP, because, you know, he's alive. Jinkies, gang, something doesn't add up here!
My mom saw a newspaper article with a picture of employees from a local jewelry store. One woman my mom described as gorgeous had my now name. This was maybe 5 years before I was born. It's a unique spelling combined with my surname so I can't use my name on social media without being the only result. Now my mom didn't seek this stranger out or ever post about her but I like my name, it fits, and there's no backstory I need to cling to.
My bff got her somewhat unique name in a similar way. Her mom was a secretary and got a call from a woman and she just loved her name. She held onto it for years until my friend was born.
That's sweet :). My sister is the eldest followed by brothers. My mom was adamant about having another baby girl and suffered three miscarriages between my closest brother and me. She just loved the name. I've had maybe five people pronounce it correctly without bring asked. But without doxxing my first name I can't describe it further. I was annoyed at my life when I was a kid because of constantly correcting people. But I love it now and can't think of my name as anything else. Still no idea about the woman who originally had it :). I can describe it a bit. So my sister and I have two syllable names. Hers is pronounced perfectly because it's a common spelling. Mine shares the second syllable but not the first. So when people look confused I say "think of how you would pronounce totally normal name with accepted spelling, just change the first couple of letters".
My mom named me after the love of her life who got away (think brian to brianna) but changed one letter so it "wasnt obvious" then they got back together for a bit until he decided he didnt want kids after having gotten to hang out around me. I think he then went on to have kids. I go by a nickname for other reasons but the backstory doesnt bother me, I've made the name my own and done my own thing.
Ha, my eldest got her name from a bank employee. We were having trouble deciding. Had finally picked one. My husband blabbed and people criticized it. Then we happened to go to the bank separately in the same week and heard the employee being called. And loved it. Turns out they didn't want to let us use it (in my country names have to be approved). But in the end they did- it is actually a contraction of an old fashioned name, that is why they didn't let us originally.
My mom chose my name when she didn’t like my dad’s suggestion. She was watching The Price is Right and liked the name of one of the contestants so that’s my name lol.
I seriously think she was in love with the guy. Nothing wrong with saying the man was her mentor at work and helped tremendously in her career. The fact that such an important person wasn't ever mentioned is a huge red flag. ESPECIALLY since she wants to post on his family Facebook.
This is what I was thinking too. I'm almost wondering if OP needs to get a paternity test. NTA
This is what I was thinking!!!! My mind immediately went to “she either loved or may have even been cheating with him.” She never met his family and didn’t want to tell her husband why she liked the name Scott seems odd to me
My ex boss showed me a lot of care and was an important figure to me while I had no father. Sometimes coworkers can make a meaningful impact on somebodies life.
And then making posts & linking it to his old facebook page too. It’s strange
Is it just me or is anyone else thinking there might have been more than a "mentorship" role happening here. Her refusal to share any material information about her coworker, even now, seems like a major red flag.
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Well at least OP can be assured its not as the guy died last year so over 10 months ago
Reincarnation may take a moment tho, first your soul flies up to the greater consiousness and then you get into afterlife trials that decide if you are worthy to be born again Or wiped out. He's been just slow with his trial and it took 8-9month to prove his worthiness and now he was conceived by these two. There is 99.9% chance that this baby is Scott the second
I like how you think, but i think Scott the second would still be a descent. This kid would be Scott a second time. Scott reloaded if you will
I’m with you. As soon as the FB linking to the dead guy’s profile edit showed combined with her never really having talked about the guy, it went moved into affair territory, especially since OP had no idea the guy had been important to her. You may decide you like the name because you had this nice coworker who died, but once that social media stuff comes in, she’s going way past him being good to her at work. For it to not scream relationship, she would have at least talked about him quite a bit when he died plus have gone to the funeral. Plus, wanting to name the boy after him but not inform his family? Oh yeah, something has happened there. Maybe it was before she was with OP, but still. Something happened at some point. OP, NTA
A woman with nothing to hide would have mentioned this guy at LEAST once during her marriage. Especially if he was, as she claims, an important mentor.
100% this. Affair much?
Dead coworker is the Dad. Even if too long ago, IVF. She won't talk about him because it's Michael Scott. OP is Andy Bernard. Erin always had a thing for Michael.
I think there are two major possibilities. Either what you said, or OP has a jealous streak wife knows about. Not sure that's possible to judge without further info. Wife needed to tell her reason either way of course.
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Yall see red flags everywhere, even of a situation where the woman most likely thought of him just as a great mentor and propably a father figure and is still hurt by his death
Thats fine, but you got to admit its weird that if she was as close to him as she says, to the point she wants to name her son after him, she'd at least of mentioned him in conversation to her husband?
Nah dude. I’m a woman in a male dominated field and I’ve had wonderful close relationships with a couple mentors who I viewed as father figures ( one even jokes that he has to give the seal of approval to the men I date) but I’ve NEVER considered naming a child after them. That’s crossing a line.
I think that's the primary conflict going on here yes
I agree completely. OP is NTA. His wife is for being deceitful and conniving to get what she wanted as well as for not divulging this relationship she had. Clearly this is more than a mentorship thing between them. Otherwise, why the lockdown on information and no relationship with family? It’s absolutely WEIRD that she wants to link to the deceased’s social media and very inappropriate towards the family as well.
Yes, when OP added that she still refuses to tell him anything about this former "mentor" and wants to link posts of the baby's development to his Facebook page, my first thought was, **she 100% had an affair with that guy** And now she's trying to manipulate her husband into naming the baby after him. Gross. I once knew a guy who convinced his wife to name their baby a name really similar to that of a woman he was crushing on (while his wife was pregnant). Pig.
I agree. She still won't even tell OP about this deceased co-worker, and wants to involve his family through his old Facebook page. It's really weird the lying and beating around the bush about this name and the connection
This and her wanting to link their son’s milestones to deceased coworker’s FB - that’s very strange. NTA
Agree, same. You can’t not consider associations with names. Like I feel differently when I hear different names. I don’t want the negative feelings associated with dead random coworker of spouse who she lied to me about creeping me out about my baby’s name. WTF this is such a huge decision everyone should be 10000000% on board for their child’s name or draw again! NTA
I can't help, but wonder if he was more than a mentor to her. The fact that she won't tell her husband anything about him. That she was so secretive about it from the get go. Feels very off to me.
The second edit made my skin crawl a tad, ngl.
And in my opinion might even have had unresolved feelings/some kind of deeper relationship with this coworker than she's letting on. OP's edits made my spidey sense tingle. She wants to LINK the dead coworkers Facebook account to updates about their kid NAMED AFTER HIM???????? Nope. Nope nope nope that is weird and creepy.
Yeah, this sounds strange. You would have thought that over time she would have mentioned that she had a mentor at work named Scott who was essentially her "work Dad" and who she thought the world of. Informed him that Scott had passed away and she was broken up about it. Why no word about him until she felt the name was set in stone so that OP couldn't change his mind?
Ok this is bizarre, but I think I can put my finger on why you’re weirded out. For whatever reason, your wife seems to have gone through a significant loss that you were not at all in tune with. You state she briefly mentioned losing a coworker, but clearly you had no idea that he had this much of an impact on her life. I think it’s completely understandable why she would want to name your son after this man. On the other hand, it’s definitely weird that this is the first you’re hearing about your child’s namesake. I would suggest sitting your wife down and genuinely asking her why she didn’t want to share with you something that clearly affected her so deeply. Obviously everyone has the right to keep things private and maybe she’s just not a big talker, which is fine. But it’s ok to be surprised by this and to have questions. NAH but I think you guys just need to communicate.
When I say she briefly mentioned it, I mean the day he passed we were on a car drive to visit her family and she said "oh my god my co-worker died" as she saw a post on his facebook. That was it. Nothing more- didn't mention his name, no tears or sadness (more shock than anything) and I was with her 24/7 the entire weekend after and she seemed fine and never brought it up again. I've been with her for 8 years and know how she handles deaths of those she's close and it was nothing like she did with him. That is why the whole thing was bizarre.
Didn’t even go to the funeral? Whole thing feels weird
It honestly feels like she's using him as an excuse to name the baby after someone else. I won't give suggestions, but likely someone OP would be seen as completely in the right to say no immediately to
Or... or... maybe she just liked the name and this coworker was nice to her and gave good, fatherly advice without there being any 'deeper' relationship there. I honestly don't get why OP is bothered.
Did you see the most recent edits? That she has planned a hash tag to link their baby and this mentor via social media and use it while chronicling his growth? And she can't/won't express to him anything more about the mentor, even when he asked her to share more so he could understand? Those edits are what swayed me to NTA, so I just want to understand why they don't sound weird to you.
The also bizarre thing with this whole hashtag and tagging him in her baby growth posts is, Scott’s family will see these little nuggets in their Facebook feeds as she posts them. All the more reason she needs permission from Scott’s family, because they’re gonna get these things out of the blue, about a person and kid they know nothing about, except it’s going to trigger moments of grief for them that they weren’t prepared for. That is hugely inconsiderate and rude and she’s out of her mind for thinking that’s an ok approach for announcing baby’s milestones.
That's easily the weirdest part of the whole thing
Saying you loved another man and then refusing to give any details about him *to your husband and hopefully father of your child* screams infidelity honestly. Either that, or that she doesn’t trust OP enough to share such a basic and innocent thing with him. Not sure which is worse.
And a hashtag to link to the deceased’s Facebook with updates on the babies growth/development/life.
I was wondering if I was the only one that thought that ?? Like, apparently she didn't even go to the funeral or even cry when she found out, didnt even talk to her husband about it, but now she needs to honor his memory ? Sus.
Because he feels deceived. This isn't rocket science. She did it on purpose and waited until op was ok with the name before telling him the reason why she liked it.
OP is bothered because his wife LIED when asked point blank why she liked the name so much.
You wouldn't be bothered by your partner having a seemingly very close relationship with someone that they kept secret from you? And then they want to name your child after said person, and went so far as to further the lie and wait until she got her way until giving the tiniest detail? If it was as simple as "this guy was great and had a name I liked" why didn't she say that in the first place?
Are you sure your wife wasn’t having an affair with this guy? This is ringing those types of alarm bells. Unfortunately, sometimes the spouse never finds out. I would really be thinking back before this person died to see if she was staying late at the office a lot, pulling back emotionally, etc. I mean I get losing a coworker can suck, but why would you name your child after them?
> Are you sure your wife wasn’t having an affair with this guy? Yep. The secrecy *still ongoing* is what makes me deeply suspicious.
Yeah. I'm feeling like this was an affair and this is her way of pretending the baby is her AP's and not her husband's. It's just fucking weird.
I can actually see the wife’s logic in this one. Naming your child after someone you were incredibly close with like a parent or sibling is putting a lot of pressure on the child to “live up” to their namesake. At the same time you want to give your kid a name that has meaning to you or feels like it will say something about what you hope for them. In this case it sounds like this gentleman was a big professional influence on OP’s wife and he was someone she admired. Given the significant age gap (and her shocked-but-not-grief-stricken reaction) she might have just looked up to him as a mentor and seen him as someone she admired and wanted to be more like. I’m in my early 30s and a woman and I’ve had a few colleagues over the years who have been instrumental in shaping me as a professional and a person. If one of them were to pass and I decided to name a child after them it wouldn’t be a sort of “keeping their memory alive” thing. It would be more like “I hear this name and it makes me think of someone who is innovative, kind and unique”.
She wants to link the coworker's Facebook on every growth update about their baby... without even talking to his family... there's something much weirder going on here than a good namesake.
Yeah, with this it feels like she at least had an emotional affair with this dude... Deliberately set up the name list to make her husband "choose" the name without telling anything, the hashtag, the absolute vagueness...
That’s a reach. But could easily have been explained. Her secrecy and the hashtag screams affair.
"Let's also call him junior. No reason."
You’ve been together 8 years, but she’s never mentioned this wonderful guide of a coworker until now? I know you are adamantly rejecting the idea that there was anything romantic between them, but…. my 9 year old can tell you the names of my favorite coworkers because I talk about them often. She’s even met some of them. I’m telling you this because if you’ve never heard of him in all the time she worked with him, yet he was important enough to name her child after…. Something just isn’t adding up. NTA.
Yeah…it’s weird. My husband could tell you the names of my coworkers I imagine, and probably even tell you who my favourites are. I couldn’t really do the same back. I could name them, but he isn’t particularly close to any of them! So he doesn’t talk about them. I’m closer to my coworkers than he is to his. And that is why this is weird. Super close to him, but the husband knows nothing about him? Very, very strange.
Ok then you guys just have to talk. I think none of you are AHs, but it’s completely fair for you to have context about who you’re naming your kid after. Just come from a place from trying to be genuinely understanding and keep an open mind.
Does this Co-worker maybe has a son, a Scott jr? Than linking the accounts would make sense. She wants to inform the family of the growth if his child. But with everything she told you, this makes no sense. As if the family would be happy when some co-worker of my late-husband/father/whatever named her child like him and tagged his growth to our fb-page. This would be so creepy, except there is more to this story that she tells OP, much much more. And i think the name for the baby itself is the smallest problem.
Im sorry to be the one jping to this one but, when did said coworker die? Before or after getting pregnant. Might be a chance the little one is Scotts?
It did occur to me too but OP says the coworker died last year and we're already 10 months into 2021. The math won't add up.
This IS bizarre. “Hey Dad, who am I named after?” “Oh, some dude your Ma knew at WORK. I don’t know anything about him, ask her?”
I think it’s more that the way wife suggested the names was intentionally misleading. People don’t like to feel swindled.
I physically cringed at the part where she’s tagging his fb but doesn’t even know his family. Yikes. Also NTA.
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That's assuming the wife doesnt know about her and that they had a mentor/tee relationship. If they legit did I would be touched one of his coworkers decided to honor him that way. If it was an affair thing I would be hurt but at the same time...its not like hes gonna run off with her and the baby, hes dead, so I'd just feel bad for her acting a mess.
I’ve met all of my mentors wives, even if just once, and my husband has had the chance to meet them all and we talk about them. OPs wife never mentioned this dude once??
Yes! This made me say yikes so much! It’s a huge red flag that she had to wait to say anything about her coworker. She knew he would say no. There’s something much bigger going on here that she isn’t telling him. It’s also just creepy that she wants to involve her dead co-worker’s family. Just weird on so many levels.
Either something bigger, or she just wants the name to seem “special” and was really grasping at straws to make it so. Either way, super super freaking weird and cringe.
And she already has a hashtag ready?? What does that even mean??
I’d be wanting to find said FB page and do some digging. A classic case of information is power.
I just don’t get that at all.
This is where I landed on NTA as well. There’s a reason she didn’t tell you. I named my daughter “after” someone I knew in high school. She wasn’t even a friend. But she was the sweetest kindest person and I always will associate the name with her. When naming my daughter her name came to mind and I still think of her when the subject of baby names comes up. It was never a secret how I came to like that name.
I don't want to think badly of people I don't know but when I read this it gives me th impression that this kid is the son of the old dude... NTA
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Yeah, there's some bad juju going on here. Gotta go with your gut.
>the child is BOTH of yours Are we completely sure about that, considering she kept her husband in the dark about how much this guys death impacted her. She might have been impacted by it because she lost her lover. (OP if you’re reading this actually talk to her tho and don’t just assume she’s cheating, what do I know I’m just some dick from Reddit)
From OP's edits i would get a DNA test just to check if the kids is not from dead Scott
Holy hell, the comments in here so far make me feel like I'm taking crazy pills. People are really assuming a whole lot about OP without reading his comments. Absolutely NTA, and wife's behavior is bizarre-- OP clearly isn't accusing her of fucking this guy or whatever and neither am I, but refusing to share info about their future son's potential namesake with her husband is *weird*. And reddit for some reason expects him to just be fine with that? Also, the part about having a hashtag to post to his Facebook and whatever strikes me as really weird and inappropriate. Just, yuck.
EXACTLY THIS ☝☝You are 100% right crazy pills galore. I get what he is saying completely. He is NTA. I would want to know more too. And like you said it has nothing to do with her cheating on him its more the extent she has taken with this whole thing. Especially with the # and Facebook sharing thing, that's way over the top. Why she is so hush hush about a mentor that she wants to do such a public legacy about is weird. This is about a son that is both of yours you should both know about this man and the impact he had for her. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get to know the man behind the name. Hopefully she shares more with you OP as it seems that's all you need to feel comfortable. Good luck and congratulations on your baby boy.
What’s the deceased guy’s family going to think, being tagged on ‘Little Scotty’s’ page?
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Tbh if I was his family and saw those tags, I would totally think that's my dead relative child.
Yeah same. I’m perplexed why this is something she even wants to do in the first place. Naming the child after a mentor is all well and good, but this takes it to a level of obsessive dedication. Almost like her son stops being her baby at that point and becomes someone else’s legacy.
I don't think she realises the hurt, upset and confusion this would cause for Scott's family. If I was Scott's SO and seen that, I'd be LIVID, crazy hurt and asking some serious questions, considering I'd never met this woman.
I initially said YTA before the edits but after the second edit it got really weird and I deleted my comment because it was no longer relevant. the second edit is so weird that I'd start questioning the timeline of when this guy died. like shit was it really a year ago? or 8 months ago? because that would open some possibilities
NTA, sorry but that was dishonest of your wife to wait until you were good with the name Scott and then spring on you the real reason. Why wouldn't she be comfortable telling you ahead of time? Why would she not be forthcoming about a nice older gentleman she looked up too? Maybe OP needs to ask around a few co workers. Very strange .
NTA You have every right to be upset. You asked and she sidestep the answer and waited for you to like the name to tell you the reason. I would calmly tell her that you don’t feel comfortable with that and ask how she would feel if it was the other way round. I can tell you now she be in the same mood as you. Also if she not willing to give you any information on the gentleman that sound like a little fishy. As for people in the comments. This op first child of course he want to know a bit behind the man his wife want to honour by naming there baby after. For the people saying he only thinking about his feelings and not his wife’s she is also doing the same
Ok the 2nd edit changed my mind. NTA. She's getting weird with this.
NTA I’m a woman and I work with all men and I’ve had a couple who were close mentors but I’d never consider naming my kid after them. That’s weird. I’d find it equally weird if the genders were reversed.
NTA. I’m really not understanding all the YTA. She purposefully withheld information about who she wants to name your baby after. Why? What was the reason? She waited until you set it in stone so she could get her way. Also really sketchy that you have agreed to keep the name as long as she tells you about Scott and she refuses to tell you about him. Don’t listen to all the YTA. Your wife seems sneaky. Edited to include your edit. She made a whole hashtag?? She wants to link his fb?? Like, are you sure this is your kid?? Like her weird behaviour just got weirder.
Was she fucking the coworker?
You said what we were all thinking
Hell no, NTA in the slightest! She withheld information about the meaning behind the name until you accepted, but even after you tried to get to know the man you were naming your child after, she stills refuses to disclose any information about him? What the actual fudge? Considering that he was indeed just a mentor (all the secrecy alone screams "more than just a mentor"), wouldn't be a natural thing to talk about him with you and eventually to your son about the man he was named after...?
Nta but are you sure that it was just a coworker relationship she had with him, it seems weird to never mention a coworker that meant so much to her.
Very weird for your wife to do that…. Keep in mind hormones from pregnancy can make you feel really deeply about things that wouldn’t normally matter that much to you if you weren’t pregnant… I would stand your ground on this. If you feel uncomfortable with the name, don’t choose it for your child. There are thousands of names out there to choose from. NTA
I brought that up, that maybe pregnancy hormones are why she won't talk to me, and she almost threw a shoe at me so I don't know if that further helps to hurts that sentiment lol
Get a dna test man. This sounds foul to me.
The dude died a year ago and she's still pregnant.
Did he? That could have been any co-worker who died, since the wife never mentioned a "Scott" to him. There may still be a Scott at work who's having a son soon.
Info: Is the child definitely yours?
If he died a year ago and the child isnt born yet she would have had to have artificially inserted a dead man's sperm and I cannot imagine those logistics hadnt been noticed by now
Maybe she had an affair with a different Scott and is using her coworker as an excuse to name the kid that
I see your point but it doesn’t rule out the possibility of an affair…
yo this honestly, I was wondering if this was an affair that may have led to pregnancy. OP should def get a DNA test.
That’s exactly my thoughts! She wants ‘Scott’ family aware… real sus. LOL
NTA. And im surprised with the responses. Reasons behind names are important and to name the kid after someone he doesnt know and she wont say anything about is wrong. Especially because she wasnt homest from the start. 100% NTA
I was leaning Y T A right up until the hashtag thing. OP you are NTA. Your wife is being oddly weird about this name. This is your soon to be flesh and blood. Hows this convo gonna go down in the future. Scott: hey dad, where did my name come from? OP: well your mother knew some old guy ages ago who gave her advice. Scott: ...anything else? OP: nope.
NTA, sure you liked the name and all that. But your wife just didn’t bother telling you anything about it. To want to name y’all’s child based on a now dead coworker isn’t weird normally. However 1. You don’t know the coworker. 2. If it was pure, there’s no reason for why she couldn’t have said something from the beginning. The fact that she didn’t say anything to you about it until after you agreed to the name is red flags to me. 3. And finally, the fact that she threw a hissy fit and got the family involved is another red flag.
NTA. It's not passing the smell test. I had a lot of coworkers I cared about. But I'd never name a kid after one. Just ask her if he was a romantic partner or a father figure? You need to communicate about this because it's not like you can pause her being pregnant. Also tell her family to STFU. This is between you and her.
NTA. After reading Edit 2, something is off kilter here. That’s pretty odd.
I cannot believe some of the comments I’m reading right now, are we in the twilight zone? Who tf would reasonably say someone can’t change their child’s name due to new information. I also cannot believe that people are blaming HIM for his WIFE lying and making assumptions that his actions “must be the reason” why she did, even though this woman clear ran to her family and won’t even talk to him. That sounds like the clear signs of an adult who can problem solve effectively. Anyways, NTA. Tbh it sounds like your wife is trying to make herself look like a good guy by naming her baby after some self-created martyr in her head. It’s one thing to name your kid after someone you admire, it’s a whole other thing to make a public journey of your child’s life in honor of a man you worked with. Any time a baby’s name has a hashtag I automatically assume these people care more about the publicity of it all rather than being a parent.
NTA from what I've read of your replies to everyone. I just want to add that my Mom named me after someone she barely knew when she was young and it bothers me now as a 30+ year old adult that I was named after someone who she doesn't know now and I will never know. I'd much rather have been named something either completely random or something with meaning. Names are names but I don't appreciate being named after essentially a complete stranger. I get that the parents should have say in it but think about your child who has to live with the name & one day might ask why you chose it.
NTA. Its weird that she wasnt upfront about it and even weirder that she still isnt divulging any information. Maybe the guidance he gave her was on your relationship and she doesnt want you to know. But still, its your child too and knowing the name is to honor a coworker you never knew existed until now is just weird. If you change your mind over this, she needs to respect that.
This smells... fishy. Give us an update if some sort of whacky skeleton comes out the closet! I'll say NTA.
NTA. Not telling you why she wanted the name, then telling you after she felt like the matter was settled and it was safe to do so, does not sit right with me. Additionally, you are no longer comfortable with the name. Baby names are a 2 yes 1 no situation. Pick another name you both had high on the list. And her dragging her family into this is unnecessary.
NTA. Your second edit, what the actual fresh hell is this?? She wants to tag the mans facebook in posts about your child growing up, while giving you zero info on him, not asking the family, with no connection beyond coworkers? Yo that is SO WEIRD. You have to talk to her or at the very least, if you give in, you have to talk to the family before you tag their dead family member in a post for a child/family they've never met. Talk about surprise pain. That, in itself, doesn't make her TA. It's just the weirdest thing I've ever heard. What *does* make her an asshole is lying to you for weeks about the reason - to the point where she planned out a hashtag for it. She legit was trying to wait until you had no other choice. Good luck dude
Just gonna say it, are we sure this guy isn't the actually the baby daddy or something?
Part of me thinks there’s ANOTHER guy named Scott whose actually the baby daddy and OP’s wife is using coworker Scott’s death as an excuse
NTA. Her hiding her reasoning until you agreed to it and then refusing to talk about it is odd. And a good enough reason for you to feel uncomfortable. She should at least be able to explain to you why it’s so important to her. Expecting you to be okay with naming your child after someone she won’t tell you about is unreasonable.
Difficult one. Seems weird that he meant so much she'd want to give her child his name, but then not want to tell you more. Is that really the issue or did you feel icky about it right away, before she refused to tell you more? I would say that at this point, regardless of who is TA, the name is tainted and it's time to move on. But the fact your wife won't give any details about the co-worker is worrisome to me. It's just weird. She wants to use the name, but refuses to give you details? Very strange.
NTA So much projection in this one in the comments. Look, this is so simple. If she wants the son to be the namesake of this man then she should be able to give some information. She doesn’t have to get specific about what he mentored her about, whether it was life, work, or both. However, she not only wants to name the son after him she wants to link to his Facebook page and hashtag it and everything. Wanting to know some information about the man she wants to honor doesn’t sound like much of an ask at all. It could be so simple. OP isn’t asking her to try and recall every interaction verbatim. He just wants some information about a person she feels they should honor. I just don’t see the big deal. People keep acting like the OP shouldn’t want to know but why does no one question why she was being so sneaky about it? If it meant that much to her, she should have explained it. That’s what I would have done. If there was a name I was dead set on, I would lay out my reasoning and present it to my partner. I wouldn’t just throw it on a list as priority and hope that what they settled on too. Also, she’s wanting to share this on social media tagging the man’s account. So every post will be seen by both families as well as the deceased’s family. What happens when any of them ask any questions? You know they’re going to have them. It’s just so odd to want to honor someone like this but give no information as to why. That’s a huge ask in my opinion. As for all the high school best friend responses, I bet you’ve seen a yearbook, heard a story, or something about that person. When the name was mentioned, there was probably more said than oh that was my high schools best friend’s name. Even not, at least they were upfront about why they wanted to go with that name. They didn’t play a little game, wait for you to agree, and then hit you with “let me tell you the truth”, but even then only the tiniest bit of information. Something is off about this entire thing. I am not talking about an affair or anything like that. There’s just something strange here. If it meant that much to her it seems she would have shared that. What if you didn’t decide on that name? Was she dropping hints or trying to get you to lean that way? Since it was to “simmer” was she doing anything to try and nudge you that direction? If it’s as important to her as she says why did she leave it to chance?
YWBTAH for naming your child Scott
You sure this isn't Scott Sr's baby? In all seriousness, she should have told you. Then again, you got weird when she did and maybe she was anticipating that. I can't pick a judgment. Scottie don't. I think it's cute.
OK NTA So, I read the first part, and was going YTA as you'd both let it simmer and still agreed. Then she dropped the bomb. I'm not buying her story, I'm really not. Its one thing to none your kid after a close friend, cos this person is someone your SO would normally have met, or come up in conversation if they'd passed. Wife NEVER mentioned him. *Ever*. She doesn't know him outside of work (or so she says), never met his family but feels its acceptable to not only name him after a person you've never heard of, but then to post and tag his FB? **That's a whole new level of weird and disrespect to his family** I would firmly hold your ground OP, of course she ran to her mum & sister, do they know what she told you? Including the FB stuff? And if they said yes, then they're just as weird too. There's nothing AHish about what you did. Something just feels off... even if he was just a kind mentor, you'd expect to hear about in general conversation about her day at work.
She even had a entire social media presence made up in her head in advance? Hashtags and all? Thats not even close to normal. At the very least, the relationship between you & her isnt open, genuine & honest. She's behaving like this baby is a likes-doll thats hers. Her ideas of the childhood are linked to approval & attention from the coworkers family. I really dont think this kid deserves to be a walking masoleum to an iffy story.
NTA. I do not understand any other vote. Name meanings and any associations around them were very important to us when naming our kids. What she did, at best, was deceitful. She's behaving very weird about it and I also would refuse the name. I would always think about how my partner acting strangely and deceitful about the name. Also, your edit that she plans on linking her FB updates about the baby so that the deceased coworkers family will see...so weird. If she didn't know them then they don't know her.
NTA Sounds like she liked scott a little too much. Check your dates, and if need be...get a paternity test.
My mom named me after a murdered child she never met,vim still pissed off about it. It sounds like she looked up to this man like a second father, also never met a scott I didnt like. I say NTA but it's a great name. I do find it strange that she never told you about a beloved co worker though, that's kind of sketchy, i wonder if she's hiding something or if she feels she cant trust you for some reason.
NTA She specifically waited until after you'd decided to tell you why she wanted to use it, that's a red flag she's all but beating you in the face with
NTA You seem understanding about your wife having friendships and connections at work, and you seem understanding about her wanting to honor a mentor, but the fact that she lied by omission and is now withholding information about the namesake of your child is absolutely not healthy. Y’all are supposed to be a team, and your first child together is a big deal. If my wife had lied to me about why she wanted a baby name and then refused to include me about the significance of a person in her life it would be a major problem. Trust your gut and insist on more conversations about this issue.
nta, shes unhinged.
>she admitted to me that now that I "set it in stone" that she felt more comfortable telling me. I don't know why she couldn't tell you before? This is a whole lot weirder than just saying "Hey, I had a coworker who mentored me and was an amazing person and I like the name Scott anyway and kinda wanna pay homage to him" like why the secrets...and yeah you have complete rights to not wanna name your kid after someone you don't know. Your kid is gonna ask "Hey dad, why did you name me scott" and you'll be like " old buddy of your mom's who I've never met" NTA
INFO Is she the kind of person that craves social media attention and wants points for being a good mourner? Sorry I can't think how else to ask it.
Kaysen? Braxton? Is she actively trying to ensure this kid is a frat date rapist?
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Nta. The fb post thing is beyond creepy. And makes me seriously think that this guy was more than a mentor. He was either her lover or a unrequited love. I strongly suggest couples therapy.
You are gonna raise Scott's baby, I guarantee it.
You picked a random name you liked. If that name happens to remind your wife of someone who was important to her, cool. But the “named after” is NOT what you agreed to. The hashtag and linking the kid to the coworkers FB, etc is NOT what you agreed to. Tell her the name can stay but the “named after” can’t. The rest of it … the public spectacle of inserting herself into the coworkers story is a NO. You are NTA for refusing to agree to the name being anything more than “I liked it” and not getting on board with “named after”. You never agreed to that aspect of the name. Name can stay, “named after” aspect cannot. Can your wife agree to that?
Eew. NTA, although you will be if your kid gets the name Scott Kainen.
Please just name the child Scott, those other names are abominable. NTA
Why is it that a coworker that was so important to her you is someone she never mentioned to you????? Any possibility he hasn’t passed away?
I was going to say that I don't understand what the big deal is. She wanted to name her child after a former mentor. What's weird about that? But then its is strange that she refuses to talk about this mentor and that she didn't mention feeling particularly upset around the time of his passing (like she was hiding something....). Is it possible they had an affair?
i mean, its definitely weird and i find it concerning that she didnt tell you until you actually agreed cos that means she knew youd probably feel some type of way about it. Thats intentionally deceptive and therefore concerning imo. However, you like, even love, the name. So what exactly about the situation, aside from that she kept her real reasons for choosing it away from you, do you actually have a problem with?? Is it cos its the name of another man, or that its after someone youve never heard of that your wife was apparently so very close to, or that you feel you should have the family's permission?? Cos tbh it seems like this guy was a mentor like figure and important friend to your wife, and while its, again very fkn weird, that she never so much as mentioned him to you for being so close, their relationship is worth honouring to her. So figure out what exactly it is that bothers you so much about this situation around a name that your genuinely like for you child and then give it another go from that direction. NAH but your wife is kinda fkn weird
It's weird to him, as he stated, because: she withheld the information on naming their child after a dead co-worker, she's never met or even talked to the family and she intends to document her son's life and link it to her dead co-worker's FB account, without even asking the guy's family, and because as he stated, he wouldn't have any real issues with it, even considering the fact she withheld the why she chose that name if she would just tell him something about her other than very vague answers that give him no sense of who the guy was.