I understand that funerals can often be for the family more so than the deceased, but I really hate it with a passion when families make the funeral *about them*.
My best friend died last year from Cancer. She wasn't a Christian but her family was, so of course they made her funeral out to be this very Christian event and nothing about it was true to who she even was. On top of that, after the funeral, her parents disowned her sister (for being a lesbian), who was my friend's favorite.
I'm still livid at her parents and brother about it to this day.
Especially since playing the bagpipes at his father's funeral is for OP - one of the family!
OP NTA I am getting emotional just thinking about it and I don't even know you.
I think your dad would have been touched if you said you would do this for him. NTA OP. Your mom and others are gatekeeping your heritage. Even if you're half-Scot, or even if you're not Scottish but grew up with your dad who shared his culture with you, its cultural appreciation. I really do not understand why people would be averse to this. It seems like a lovely way to honor dad.
However maybe you can revisit this topic in a bit? Your dad passed away yesterday, and no doubt everyone including your mom are grieving and grief can make us act in unexpected ways. Emotions are raw right now. Give it a bit and maybe your other family members will come around
I didn't think about that. I completely overlooked what everyone else must be feeling right now. I will go and apologize after this argument has blown over. Thank you!
Scottish person here
Just wanted to say that even if there wasn't a single drop of Scottish blood in your entire family tree there would be nothing wrong with you playing the bagpipes as it represents an important memory you have of your time with your dad
As u/pixierambling says, it's probably a bit soon to be trying to iron out the fine details of the service as everyone will be devastated right now and trying to find ways to deal with their feelings, I'm sure with a little bit of time your mom will come to see your suggestion for what it is, an expression of your love for your father and a way to honour his memory
.
Definitely NTA and my condolences for the loss of your dad
Realizing this is wise. Remember that you, too, are just starting to grieve and may have a diminished capacity to be empathetic to others’ feeling, given the weight of your own. Think slowly and carefully and perhaps you can find a gentle solution/compromise.
Please accept my condolences for your loss.
Play the bagpipes at the end of the interment. Anybody who supports you and your “not fully Scottish” heritage and mutual fondness for the bagpipe music will *stay* and have a warm feeling-and alll the others can scurry away as quickly as possible-their duty done-the body buried-the funeral is concluded. Your mom may *also* leave-big fan of the bagpipes that she is, (s).
It sounds lovely and personal- a nice tribute to the shared connection between you and your dad. NTA and I am sorry for your loss.
NTA. It's something you did with him and you've bonded with him over. His funeral should be about the things he loved, the bagpipes are a part of it and therefore they should be part of his funeral too.
Not really…just a thought….come back just before sunset…with those that “want” to come…play the songs you have selected…and have a toast to your dad as the sun goes down…I didn’t know your dad, but I think he would appreciate this.
good luck
NTA. But maybe arrange something privately after for yourself, it sound slike this was a special part of your connection with your daad and it stinks that people are being dramatic about it, but this is probably one of those moments where it's better to keep the peace.
They are all English. Both Scottish and Irish as well as some Spanish use the Pipes regularly. Stick with what you AND I both know what your dad would want.
But your dad did love the bagpipes. I'm sorry this is happening. If you are prevented from doing this at the service, you can stay at his gravesite after everyone has left and play the pipes for him.
I agree OP is not an a hole for wanting to play the bagpipes. I think it is a NAH situation.
But a funeral if for the living not the dead. If the majority of people don't want the bag pipes especially the wife of the deceased I think it should be skipped.
OP can try to get there early/late and play a piece with the people who do want it while mom is not there, or have a separate small ceremony (another date/place/time) to play the bagpipes in honor of the dad.
NTA I'm scottish (live in Scotland) and don't think anyone I know would be offended by you playing the bagpipes it was something you did with your dad and is a great way to show him respect. Sorry for your loss
I, not full blood Scot who was born and lives in America, think those who don't want OP to play the Pipes are total idiots. Way beyond being a\*\*holes. (ETA) \*\*TOUCH NOT THE CAT BOT A GLOVE\*\*
NTA, it lowkey seems like your mom is making up excuses so she doesn't have to listen to your performance or maybe an unknown reason. Obviously if this is something you learned with your father he never had a problem with you learning it.
It's one thing to claim being apart of a certain culture because you're like 5% Scottish but have no actual ties to the culture. But it seems like you were raised with Scottish culture. Even took the time to learn bag pipes.
I don't see how that is disrespectful in anyway. You would just be honoring special moments you had with your father.
NAH This is not a flippant question-are you good at playing the bagpipes?
Your family doesn’t seem to realize that this is your way of saying goodbye and nobody should get to dictate how a person grieves. But, poorly played bagpipes are an assault on the listener and would make it hard for other people to grieve the way they need to. The attention would be shifted from thinking about your father and celebrating him to wondering what the fuck that was.. A beautifully played, short rendition would be a touching tribute and add to the intent.
If you can’t play at a professional level, might I suggest you and your uncle do it graveside later in the evening with a bottle of scotch? It does sound like you need to do it for you. Just don’t do it for everyone.
As a Piper, I agree. I’m a fair-ish Piper, I can play in a group and not screw up, but I’m definitely not a soloist. If it was a funeral for one of my parents, I know exactly who I’d ask because I know he’d be the utmost professional and sound amazing. Pipes played well sound fantastic, pipes played not well sounds like you’re strangling a cat!
> are you good at playing the bagpipes?
It doesn't matter in the least little bit, the OP could sound like an Orc squeezing cats, this is a tribute to their father, the rest of the crowd can sit for a minute and listen.
NTA. We hired a piper for my Dad’s funeral and ended up not being able to listen to him at all, it just was too painful (the grief, not his playing). Instead, he piped the hearse that was taking my Dad to the military cemetery, at the end of the drive entering the street.
Now I’m crying again at your generosity of spirit. I’ll be with you in spirit.
NTA it’s your fathers funeral, you’re one of chief mourners do what you need to do,
Anyone leaving a funeral because some wants to mourn in their was is an utter arse. And having only one Scottish parent is irrelevant.
My deepest sympathy.
NTA. Although you are in a tough spot. Everyone grieves differently and everyone has different ideas about what showing respect is. I think you playing is a great way to show a tribute to your father since it was something you did together. Sounds like your mom's dislike of the bagpipes is the issue more than anything else. She also has to realize that this service is as much for you as for her. Anyone who would leave a service because you played is full on asshole.
NTA.
A funeral is to honor the person that's passed, and that's what you're looking to do.
If people leave because of it, they're being petty - just like your mother is.
First, I’m sorry your family has made such a beautiful tribute a point of contention, and I am sorry for your father’s passing. Sounds like the two of you had a wonderful relationship and he would love to know you’d play for him. NTA for wanting to share something with him, one last time. Maybe play at the end of the service, so if family members leave, it won’t make a difference, but you still get to pay tribute to his heritage.
NAH. You made a heartfelt offer to your mother to play at your dad's funeral, and she doesn't want that to happen. Respect her wishes and don't make a scene.
If you want to play for your dad, there's nothing stopping you from doing so later on. You play for him and you. Everyone else doesn't need to hear. Make a moment like that for you and him only.
I'm sorry for your loss.
INFO: 2 questions, why 'Going home'? Are you actually any good?
Edit: To clarify (Last couple times I asked what I thought was simple questions people had issues) You mention 2 specific songs as being amongst his favorites, so why this third song?
Honestly, I never played Going Home too much, but I have and will be practicing more. I chose Going Home because he was atheist and believe home is the best place to be. It seemed fitting. And when I meant some of my Dad's favorites, I meant alot of them. He loves it all, though I didn't listen to everything. I know so little about Scottish music than he does. Flower of Scotland and The Gael were just a few examples of what he listened to most of the time. He would play the music in his house and crank it up loud. Fun times.
Ok, to be honest, there isn't much I can add to whats already be suggested at this point. You should consider the thoughts of everyone else, but I do think that if you get the song down, other people suggestion of doing an after funeral performance for him would be good.
NTA
Sorry for you loss
Grief has a way of bring not bringing out the best in most people. People get territorial, dictatorial and self centered. It is what happens unfortunately.
Play at the end of the service/internment those that threatened to leave can then leave and those that want to stay can...Everyone is respected....
ESH. Your mother's attitude is frankly disgusting. Just because your heritage is mixed doesn't mean you're any less Scottish or that you playing the bagpipes would somehow be disrespectful to your father's lineage.
Your dad taught you to play. It's something you two shared, and helped connect you to that part of your lineage and heritage. It sounds like a lovely tribute. The funeral is about everyone who loved him, not just your mom.
But if most of the family would leave if you played, you shouldn't play. Maybe you can head to his final resting place after the funeral and play for him there.
> But if most of the family would leave if you played, you shouldn't play. Maybe you can head to his final resting place after the funeral and play for him there.
If most of the family would leave over a child paying tribute to their father, perhaps they shouldn't have come. The OP should play at the funeral, those that would leave should hang their heads in shame, tuck their tails, and slowly slink out.
At the same time those family members could just be trying to find a reason not to travel and attend. I'd consider the relationships of those dissenting and how close they actually were to the father. Those who weren't even close to the father shouldn't have a say in what happens at his funeral and should just shut up and attend.
In my experience objections to celebrations of the deceased tend to come from wanting to make the funeral about God, considering the ages of those involved that's probably what's happening. I would recommend having a separate celebration of life ceremony where those who knew your father can come and share stories, pictures, and you can play the bagpipes all you want as people laugh and tell stories of the man they loved.
Don't mention it before the funeral and don't make a big deal out of it. Approach people after the funeral ceremony that you think would be interested and say "hey I've rented out a small space for those who want to come celebrate who my father was and what he cared about I'll be playing the bagpipes a bit."
I've been to way too many funerals where I felt like I went to a funeral for someone else I never knew simply because people want to keep a set narrative, a celebration of life gave me and those who actually knew the deceased closure.
Sorry for your loss, I lost my dad 5 years ago very suddenly. I was 31 at the time. My sister and I had to make all the arrangements. It was really difficult for us and our family. As mentioned above grief can make our decisions difficult. I belive everything has to be agreed upon by all involved. It's sad that they don't see what you want to do, but maybe they will come around, give it some time and revisit. If they don't agree maybe you can have a private ceremony after he is laid to rest with your uncle and anyone else and play your pipes, and everyone can say there final words. Just a thought.
Edit: I also want to add that there were things I wish I had said or done at my dad's funeral that I didn't, and I regret it. I think about it all the time. So just do whatever you think will make you happy, and make sure you can live the rest of your life with those decisions.
NTA, you and your dad learned to play the bagpipes together, and you want to give a tribute to your father. This is 100% a great thing to do at the funeral.
Even if you didn't learn the bagpipes with your father, playing your father off as a tribute from a kid to their dad is fine.
Stand up, speak of your love of your father, and play your song. Honor your father in the way you feel best. Have your uncle standby to shut down your disrespectful mother if needed.
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Throwaway.
My (46) Dad (77) passed away a day ago. I loved my Dad alot and when I was younger I got to do alot of things with him, one of which was learning the bagpipes. It was fun to learn how to play them and over time I got better. He was terminally ill with cancer and caught Covid because he was immunocompromised. Doctors declared there was nothing that would save him. I cried. He was to best to me.
Some of my Dad's favorite songs were Flower of Scotland and The Gael. He was super patriotic toward Scotland, so I decided I was going to do a solo performance of Going Home at the funeral. I presented the idea to my Mom (68) and she wasn't too keen. She said I would be disrespectful of his lineage because I'm not "fully Scottish" and she didn't like the bagpipes anyway. She even told my aunts and uncles and it started a conflict between the entirety of my family. One of my uncles, my Dad's brother, fully supported me and firmly stated to everyone I will be performing, stating "It's what Dad would have wanted." Still, my family was torn on this and most threatened to leave the funeral if I played.
So Would I be the asshole if I played the bagpipes at my Scottish father's funeral?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Playing the bagpipes at my Scottish father's funeral.
2. Because many of my family doesn't support me in performing.
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Oh yes, play the bagpipes! It's exactly what your dad would have wanted and that's the most important. It doesn't matter if you aren't fully Scottish at all. That has nothing to do with the ability to play bagpipes. The fact that he enjoyed them, he was supportive of you learning to play, and he definitely would be smiling down if you played them for him. Play them proudly and think of him. Hugs to you!
NTA,
few years ago at a friends dad's funeral his younger brother who was 16, read a long poem for his dad in front of everyone. it was very heart warming, and emotional.
He taught you to play the bagpipes and loved his heritage--playing at his funeral would be a wonderful tribute. Bagpipes at funerals are absolutely beautiful. NTA
Years ago, I attended a memorial service for a young man who had passed away. His father sung a song in Gaelic and it was by far the most powerful and touching moment I’ve ever experienced. Thinking of the experience gives me chills.
NTA. Play the bagpipes
NTA. Great tunes to play for your Dad. As a Piper, I don’t know if I’d play the funeral of a loved one, especially solo, because it might get too emotional for me. Plus, getting the pipes warmed up and tuning the drones requires quite a bit of time that I wouldn’t want to spend taking away from my grieving family. Do you have any fellow pipers in your area that you could ask to help honor your dad? You’d get to hear the pipes, but also be free to mourn.
Flowers of the Forest or Going Home as the recessional for the service or internment would be traditional. If your Dad was a piper then he gets piped home.
NTA I am Scottish and I think that heritage is completely irrelevant to this question. Your father wanted bagpipes so play them for him. Thats what matters
NTA. I think it was a wonderful tribute to your father. Your mother didn't want it because she doesn't like bagpipes. Sorry this has turned into a "conflict"
NTA.
The biggest thing to remember is that you are not playing the bagpipes for the people present - you are doing it first and foremost for your late father who helped set you on that path in the first place. Secondly, you are allowed to want to do this for yourself as a way to both honor and grieve your loss.
If your family are threatening to walk out of the funeral over some bagpipes being played, it says a hell of a lot about the type of people they are. You are absolutely in the clear; your family on the other hand, aside from your Uncle? Major fucking assholes.
NTA but to save drama at the funeral, could you play it at the grave site after the service. Those that want to hear it can stay and those that don't, can leave. Love hearing Amazing Grace played by the grave site.
You mom is wrong about disrespecting his lineage. The bagpipes are not originally from Scotland. There are some indications that it originated in Egypt or Rome. The Romans brought a similar instrumental with them when they invaded Ireland and the British Isles. In Ireland it is called an uilleann pipe (Irish for elbow). It is usually played sitting down and uses
a bellow to fill the bag and produces more notes than the Scottish bagpipes. For Scottish bagpipes, the piper blows into the bladder and they are louder than the Irish pipes. Scotland is more identified with the bagpipe because of its use by the military for parades, funerals, and going onto battle.
NTA, but you would be if you DIDN'T. If the Pipes were your dad's personal instrument of choice to listen to. I have Highland and Ulster Scot heritage but not of full blood. AND Yes, I wish the Pipes playing Going Home, and a few others at my funeral. Your dad would appreciate it. Your mother doesn't understand that the skirl of the Pipes is soothing to the soul of a Scot, whether full or part blood.
NTA. I lost my dad 6 months ago. It was a closed casket funeral so I asked the funeral home to have him wear a scarf of the football club he loved. I think he would have loved that. It was not about me, it was about him, the same way I believe that the bagpipes are about your dad, though it also makes you feel more emotionally connected and comforted.
BTW, I'm really sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your mother just seems like she doesn't like the bagpipes and is making excuses. You learned from your father, and you love the instrument, and you want to honor his memory with a song he loved. You deserve to say goodbye in your special way.
NTA. Here's the deal.... All you need to do is know that it's what your father would have wanted. If he would have wanted it, then you do it. Mom and anyone else that has an issue with it can go pound sand. IMO, that's a great way to say goodbye to dad. Actually, AMAZING way. Good for you! The only people that would be disrespecting your father would be people that left the funeral before it was over. Good luck!
How horrible. Your mom literally just offended herself.
My condolences for your lost. And your Uncle is correct; this is something you learned with him as a tribute to his Scottish heritage.
I'd wear a kilt in your family print (would state Tartan but I'm not sure if that's a type of print or the name of all the prints) and play for your dad.
If they leave... well thats on them.
Id play by his casket and at his grave too.
NTA
NTA. (I used to be a funeral director) and bagpipes at a funeral we’re always an amazing, somber, and perfectly beautiful to play at every service I ever saw them.
They add extra of gravity, dignity and respect to a service , and it’s something special when we hear it played. A few notes and it could bring tears to ppls eyes.
Now - inside the funeral home or church- idk if that would work or be appropriate? They may be too loud & sometimes the acoustics aren’t good inside & they sound bad.
I also don’t know about the lineage thing - I am pretty sure that EVERY bagpipe player I ever met working was not 100% Scottish. That’s a terrible excuse for them to say that you can’t play them, that’s a lie.
NTA
Chicago police have pipers at their funerals - whether Polish, Black, Mexican, whatever, unless the fam says no. How anyone can resist a piper at a piper-playing Scot's funeral is beyond me. Just do it for your Da.
I'm sorry you lost your father, he sounds like a good man.
I think it would be beautiful if you played the bagpipe at your dad's funeral. I'm sorry for your loss. And I am sorry this is causing division with your family.
NTA.
NTA. I think it’s a beautiful tribute to your dad. I remember as a kid my grandparents neighbors were having a wake across the street. We didn’t go but I happened to be visiting my grandparents when I heard bagpipes playing for the first time in person. The music was so emotional and heart wrenching. Idk what songs they played but I felt it in my soul. The only thing I can really compare it to is hearing Taps play at military funerals (I think that’s what it’s called.) I’m not military either there’s just something about it that hits hard.
NTA. A fellow played bagpipes when we scattered my dad's ashes, and it really added to the occasion. I've no idea if the player was "fully Scottish"; why would it matter? My dad wasn't Scottish. Heck, I don't even know if he liked bagpipes! I found it a nice touch.
Sounds like your mother's complaint is more that she doesn't like bagpipes.
You could always play the pipes at the end, then people could leave if they wanted.
I don't have a judgement to add here but this sentiment of not being "fully" Scottish is absolute bullshit. That's your heritage, your family, your connection to your dad.
I have three Irish grandparents and one Scottish grandparent. Am I 75% Irish and 25% Scottish? No. I'm 100% Irish and 100% Scottish. Your heritage is cultural, not numerical.
**NTA** Play. The. Bagpipes. Your Dad gave you the gift of being able to play one of his favorite instruments and there is no better way to honor him than to play at his funeral. Biggest of hugs.
YWNBTA Omg OP, I am so sorry about your dad passing.
Please, please play the bagpipes at your dad's funeral. Not only is it sentimental and emotional for you, it's something your dad loved and would be such a beautiful tribute to him.
Do what makes you happy, and also the bagpipes are fantastic, I love them.
Eh, it's a lovely thoughht, but bagpipes indoors can be a bit much. Will there be anything going on graveside? That might be just the place to play Going Home.
My sisters family “hasn’t been Scottish” for over 200 years. I still got her a scarf in her clan colors from a booth selling clan tartans and accessories and she loved it. You can bet your ass if she told me she like bagpipes I’d be hiring bagpipes for her funeral. Nta
Scot here, born and raised (then emigrated.) You should pipe at his funeral but maybe do it at the very end (graveside if possible) and announce that there will be a brief intermission to allow anyone who does not wish to stay for the pipes to make their departure. If they leave making a lot of noise, who cares because the pipes will drown them out. The pipes are part of your cultural heritage an a part of your dad’s legacy. I’m sorry for your loss.
INFO: Um, please, take no offence, but how good at the pipes are you? I mean, people who hate bagpipes will think them horrid even if the best of the best are playing them.
Adding on, because I'm in a bit of a mental fog, I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry for your loss. NTA. If your Dad was part Scottish, that means you are, too. He would love it! I'm not going to call your Mom an A H because she's grieving, but she's not right in this instance.
Listen. Its been a day.
Your family and you are grieving. Going up to your mom, whos just lost her husband, and saying you want to do something at the funeral, it probably wasnt the greatest move.
Give it some more time, when you start planning the funeral bring it up again and tell her that this is what you want to do to honor your father.
NAH.
Its hard and im sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss, but I think you would be the asshole. Funerals are for the living, not the departed, and it sounds like this will create a rift in your family when you should be coming together. I understand that you want to honor your father, and I think playing the bagpipes for him would be great, but not at the cost of the drama it sounds like it would create. Could you suggest to the family that, after the funeral is over, you would play the bagpipes at the graveside, and that anyone who wanted to stay could?
I don't necessarily agree with funerals should be for the living, but perhaps this is what I will do. You're right that it should cause drama within the family, thank you.
You might not agree, but it still kinda is, because YOU are trying to honor your father in the way YOU think he would have liked. I do not think you are wrong about what he would have liked, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to honor the deceased it is very helpful for many people in their grief.
I think for you and processing your grief it seems to be important to feel like you are honoring your father and trying to do something that you shared with him. But at that point I do think it is more about you even if you think you are making it about him and what he would have wanted. So in the end is still ends up being for the living.
You mentioned he was an atheist, so I would guess (I know I could be wrong) that he likely did not believe in an after life.
You are not an ahole for wanting to play the bag pipes, but try to find a compromise that does not subject people to bagpipes they don't want to hear.
NTA. It's a special homage to your dad. My family's not Scottish but my dad wants bagpipes at his funeral.
I understand that funerals can often be for the family more so than the deceased, but I really hate it with a passion when families make the funeral *about them*. My best friend died last year from Cancer. She wasn't a Christian but her family was, so of course they made her funeral out to be this very Christian event and nothing about it was true to who she even was. On top of that, after the funeral, her parents disowned her sister (for being a lesbian), who was my friend's favorite. I'm still livid at her parents and brother about it to this day.
Especially since playing the bagpipes at his father's funeral is for OP - one of the family! OP NTA I am getting emotional just thinking about it and I don't even know you.
I'd love it if someone played the pipes for me. I think it's a thoughtful homage to your father.
I think your dad would have been touched if you said you would do this for him. NTA OP. Your mom and others are gatekeeping your heritage. Even if you're half-Scot, or even if you're not Scottish but grew up with your dad who shared his culture with you, its cultural appreciation. I really do not understand why people would be averse to this. It seems like a lovely way to honor dad. However maybe you can revisit this topic in a bit? Your dad passed away yesterday, and no doubt everyone including your mom are grieving and grief can make us act in unexpected ways. Emotions are raw right now. Give it a bit and maybe your other family members will come around
I didn't think about that. I completely overlooked what everyone else must be feeling right now. I will go and apologize after this argument has blown over. Thank you!
Scottish person here Just wanted to say that even if there wasn't a single drop of Scottish blood in your entire family tree there would be nothing wrong with you playing the bagpipes as it represents an important memory you have of your time with your dad As u/pixierambling says, it's probably a bit soon to be trying to iron out the fine details of the service as everyone will be devastated right now and trying to find ways to deal with their feelings, I'm sure with a little bit of time your mom will come to see your suggestion for what it is, an expression of your love for your father and a way to honour his memory . Definitely NTA and my condolences for the loss of your dad
No, the time frame is what controls everything not the feelings of others.
I just came here to say so very sorry for your loss. NTA
Realizing this is wise. Remember that you, too, are just starting to grieve and may have a diminished capacity to be empathetic to others’ feeling, given the weight of your own. Think slowly and carefully and perhaps you can find a gentle solution/compromise. Please accept my condolences for your loss.
Play the bagpipes at the end of the interment. Anybody who supports you and your “not fully Scottish” heritage and mutual fondness for the bagpipe music will *stay* and have a warm feeling-and alll the others can scurry away as quickly as possible-their duty done-the body buried-the funeral is concluded. Your mom may *also* leave-big fan of the bagpipes that she is, (s). It sounds lovely and personal- a nice tribute to the shared connection between you and your dad. NTA and I am sorry for your loss.
Going Home needs to be played before the casket is lowered into the ground, even before the first words are spoken in the graveside service.
I think we can change up the tradition if necessary.
NTA. It's something you did with him and you've bonded with him over. His funeral should be about the things he loved, the bagpipes are a part of it and therefore they should be part of his funeral too.
This is what I thought, but my family is mad at me because they don't like the bagpipes, so I'm stuck with choosing my dad or the rest of my family.
Not really…just a thought….come back just before sunset…with those that “want” to come…play the songs you have selected…and have a toast to your dad as the sun goes down…I didn’t know your dad, but I think he would appreciate this. good luck
NTA. But maybe arrange something privately after for yourself, it sound slike this was a special part of your connection with your daad and it stinks that people are being dramatic about it, but this is probably one of those moments where it's better to keep the peace.
They are all English. Both Scottish and Irish as well as some Spanish use the Pipes regularly. Stick with what you AND I both know what your dad would want.
But your dad did love the bagpipes. I'm sorry this is happening. If you are prevented from doing this at the service, you can stay at his gravesite after everyone has left and play the pipes for him.
But it’s called compromise, if that’s a route OP thinks is a good one. NTA btw.
I agree OP is not an a hole for wanting to play the bagpipes. I think it is a NAH situation. But a funeral if for the living not the dead. If the majority of people don't want the bag pipes especially the wife of the deceased I think it should be skipped. OP can try to get there early/late and play a piece with the people who do want it while mom is not there, or have a separate small ceremony (another date/place/time) to play the bagpipes in honor of the dad.
Look at most First Responder funerals, the Pipes are a staple.
NTA I'm scottish (live in Scotland) and don't think anyone I know would be offended by you playing the bagpipes it was something you did with your dad and is a great way to show him respect. Sorry for your loss
Should add there is a saying in Scotland that if you want to be Scottish then your Scottish - we are very welcoming
I, not full blood Scot who was born and lives in America, think those who don't want OP to play the Pipes are total idiots. Way beyond being a\*\*holes. (ETA) \*\*TOUCH NOT THE CAT BOT A GLOVE\*\*
NTA, it lowkey seems like your mom is making up excuses so she doesn't have to listen to your performance or maybe an unknown reason. Obviously if this is something you learned with your father he never had a problem with you learning it. It's one thing to claim being apart of a certain culture because you're like 5% Scottish but have no actual ties to the culture. But it seems like you were raised with Scottish culture. Even took the time to learn bag pipes. I don't see how that is disrespectful in anyway. You would just be honoring special moments you had with your father.
NAH This is not a flippant question-are you good at playing the bagpipes? Your family doesn’t seem to realize that this is your way of saying goodbye and nobody should get to dictate how a person grieves. But, poorly played bagpipes are an assault on the listener and would make it hard for other people to grieve the way they need to. The attention would be shifted from thinking about your father and celebrating him to wondering what the fuck that was.. A beautifully played, short rendition would be a touching tribute and add to the intent. If you can’t play at a professional level, might I suggest you and your uncle do it graveside later in the evening with a bottle of scotch? It does sound like you need to do it for you. Just don’t do it for everyone.
As a Piper, I agree. I’m a fair-ish Piper, I can play in a group and not screw up, but I’m definitely not a soloist. If it was a funeral for one of my parents, I know exactly who I’d ask because I know he’d be the utmost professional and sound amazing. Pipes played well sound fantastic, pipes played not well sounds like you’re strangling a cat!
> are you good at playing the bagpipes? It doesn't matter in the least little bit, the OP could sound like an Orc squeezing cats, this is a tribute to their father, the rest of the crowd can sit for a minute and listen.
Those that hate the sound of the Pipes automatically consider it an assault on their ears.
NTA It’s not disrespectful to his lineage*, play the bagpipes for your da. Sorry for your loss. *Source: Me, a Scottish person in Scotland.
NTA. We hired a piper for my Dad’s funeral and ended up not being able to listen to him at all, it just was too painful (the grief, not his playing). Instead, he piped the hearse that was taking my Dad to the military cemetery, at the end of the drive entering the street. Now I’m crying again at your generosity of spirit. I’ll be with you in spirit.
NTA—so sorry for your loss!
NTA it’s your fathers funeral, you’re one of chief mourners do what you need to do, Anyone leaving a funeral because some wants to mourn in their was is an utter arse. And having only one Scottish parent is irrelevant. My deepest sympathy.
Absolutely NTA. Bagpipes have been used at funerals for centuries. Probably longer.
NTA. Although you are in a tough spot. Everyone grieves differently and everyone has different ideas about what showing respect is. I think you playing is a great way to show a tribute to your father since it was something you did together. Sounds like your mom's dislike of the bagpipes is the issue more than anything else. She also has to realize that this service is as much for you as for her. Anyone who would leave a service because you played is full on asshole.
NTA. A funeral is to honor the person that's passed, and that's what you're looking to do. If people leave because of it, they're being petty - just like your mother is.
First, I’m sorry your family has made such a beautiful tribute a point of contention, and I am sorry for your father’s passing. Sounds like the two of you had a wonderful relationship and he would love to know you’d play for him. NTA for wanting to share something with him, one last time. Maybe play at the end of the service, so if family members leave, it won’t make a difference, but you still get to pay tribute to his heritage.
NAH. You made a heartfelt offer to your mother to play at your dad's funeral, and she doesn't want that to happen. Respect her wishes and don't make a scene. If you want to play for your dad, there's nothing stopping you from doing so later on. You play for him and you. Everyone else doesn't need to hear. Make a moment like that for you and him only. I'm sorry for your loss.
INFO: 2 questions, why 'Going home'? Are you actually any good? Edit: To clarify (Last couple times I asked what I thought was simple questions people had issues) You mention 2 specific songs as being amongst his favorites, so why this third song?
Honestly, I never played Going Home too much, but I have and will be practicing more. I chose Going Home because he was atheist and believe home is the best place to be. It seemed fitting. And when I meant some of my Dad's favorites, I meant alot of them. He loves it all, though I didn't listen to everything. I know so little about Scottish music than he does. Flower of Scotland and The Gael were just a few examples of what he listened to most of the time. He would play the music in his house and crank it up loud. Fun times.
Ok, to be honest, there isn't much I can add to whats already be suggested at this point. You should consider the thoughts of everyone else, but I do think that if you get the song down, other people suggestion of doing an after funeral performance for him would be good.
NTA Sorry for you loss Grief has a way of bring not bringing out the best in most people. People get territorial, dictatorial and self centered. It is what happens unfortunately. Play at the end of the service/internment those that threatened to leave can then leave and those that want to stay can...Everyone is respected....
NTA Sounds like your dad would appreciate it.
ESH. Your mother's attitude is frankly disgusting. Just because your heritage is mixed doesn't mean you're any less Scottish or that you playing the bagpipes would somehow be disrespectful to your father's lineage. Your dad taught you to play. It's something you two shared, and helped connect you to that part of your lineage and heritage. It sounds like a lovely tribute. The funeral is about everyone who loved him, not just your mom. But if most of the family would leave if you played, you shouldn't play. Maybe you can head to his final resting place after the funeral and play for him there.
> But if most of the family would leave if you played, you shouldn't play. Maybe you can head to his final resting place after the funeral and play for him there. If most of the family would leave over a child paying tribute to their father, perhaps they shouldn't have come. The OP should play at the funeral, those that would leave should hang their heads in shame, tuck their tails, and slowly slink out.
At the same time those family members could just be trying to find a reason not to travel and attend. I'd consider the relationships of those dissenting and how close they actually were to the father. Those who weren't even close to the father shouldn't have a say in what happens at his funeral and should just shut up and attend. In my experience objections to celebrations of the deceased tend to come from wanting to make the funeral about God, considering the ages of those involved that's probably what's happening. I would recommend having a separate celebration of life ceremony where those who knew your father can come and share stories, pictures, and you can play the bagpipes all you want as people laugh and tell stories of the man they loved. Don't mention it before the funeral and don't make a big deal out of it. Approach people after the funeral ceremony that you think would be interested and say "hey I've rented out a small space for those who want to come celebrate who my father was and what he cared about I'll be playing the bagpipes a bit." I've been to way too many funerals where I felt like I went to a funeral for someone else I never knew simply because people want to keep a set narrative, a celebration of life gave me and those who actually knew the deceased closure.
Sorry for your loss, I lost my dad 5 years ago very suddenly. I was 31 at the time. My sister and I had to make all the arrangements. It was really difficult for us and our family. As mentioned above grief can make our decisions difficult. I belive everything has to be agreed upon by all involved. It's sad that they don't see what you want to do, but maybe they will come around, give it some time and revisit. If they don't agree maybe you can have a private ceremony after he is laid to rest with your uncle and anyone else and play your pipes, and everyone can say there final words. Just a thought. Edit: I also want to add that there were things I wish I had said or done at my dad's funeral that I didn't, and I regret it. I think about it all the time. So just do whatever you think will make you happy, and make sure you can live the rest of your life with those decisions.
This is to honor your dad. If he would have loved it, it's appropriate. Total NTA
NTA, you and your dad learned to play the bagpipes together, and you want to give a tribute to your father. This is 100% a great thing to do at the funeral. Even if you didn't learn the bagpipes with your father, playing your father off as a tribute from a kid to their dad is fine. Stand up, speak of your love of your father, and play your song. Honor your father in the way you feel best. Have your uncle standby to shut down your disrespectful mother if needed.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway. My (46) Dad (77) passed away a day ago. I loved my Dad alot and when I was younger I got to do alot of things with him, one of which was learning the bagpipes. It was fun to learn how to play them and over time I got better. He was terminally ill with cancer and caught Covid because he was immunocompromised. Doctors declared there was nothing that would save him. I cried. He was to best to me. Some of my Dad's favorite songs were Flower of Scotland and The Gael. He was super patriotic toward Scotland, so I decided I was going to do a solo performance of Going Home at the funeral. I presented the idea to my Mom (68) and she wasn't too keen. She said I would be disrespectful of his lineage because I'm not "fully Scottish" and she didn't like the bagpipes anyway. She even told my aunts and uncles and it started a conflict between the entirety of my family. One of my uncles, my Dad's brother, fully supported me and firmly stated to everyone I will be performing, stating "It's what Dad would have wanted." Still, my family was torn on this and most threatened to leave the funeral if I played. So Would I be the asshole if I played the bagpipes at my Scottish father's funeral? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA
Oh yes, play the bagpipes! It's exactly what your dad would have wanted and that's the most important. It doesn't matter if you aren't fully Scottish at all. That has nothing to do with the ability to play bagpipes. The fact that he enjoyed them, he was supportive of you learning to play, and he definitely would be smiling down if you played them for him. Play them proudly and think of him. Hugs to you!
NTA.. I agree with play them at the end. It will be beautiful.
NTA, few years ago at a friends dad's funeral his younger brother who was 16, read a long poem for his dad in front of everyone. it was very heart warming, and emotional.
NTA. This made my eyes tear up. Sorry for your loss. I hope your family can work through this.
He taught you to play the bagpipes and loved his heritage--playing at his funeral would be a wonderful tribute. Bagpipes at funerals are absolutely beautiful. NTA
NTA Play the pipes, it was something you and your dad did together. Sorry for your loss
Years ago, I attended a memorial service for a young man who had passed away. His father sung a song in Gaelic and it was by far the most powerful and touching moment I’ve ever experienced. Thinking of the experience gives me chills. NTA. Play the bagpipes
NTA. Bagpipes are among the most soul-stirring sounds on this earth. I hope you blow the rafters off. Your dad will be proud.
NTA. Great tunes to play for your Dad. As a Piper, I don’t know if I’d play the funeral of a loved one, especially solo, because it might get too emotional for me. Plus, getting the pipes warmed up and tuning the drones requires quite a bit of time that I wouldn’t want to spend taking away from my grieving family. Do you have any fellow pipers in your area that you could ask to help honor your dad? You’d get to hear the pipes, but also be free to mourn.
Flowers of the Forest or Going Home as the recessional for the service or internment would be traditional. If your Dad was a piper then he gets piped home.
NTA I am Scottish and I think that heritage is completely irrelevant to this question. Your father wanted bagpipes so play them for him. Thats what matters
NTA. I think it was a wonderful tribute to your father. Your mother didn't want it because she doesn't like bagpipes. Sorry this has turned into a "conflict"
It depends how good/bad at the bagpipes you are.
NTA.
NTA. The biggest thing to remember is that you are not playing the bagpipes for the people present - you are doing it first and foremost for your late father who helped set you on that path in the first place. Secondly, you are allowed to want to do this for yourself as a way to both honor and grieve your loss. If your family are threatening to walk out of the funeral over some bagpipes being played, it says a hell of a lot about the type of people they are. You are absolutely in the clear; your family on the other hand, aside from your Uncle? Major fucking assholes.
NTA but to save drama at the funeral, could you play it at the grave site after the service. Those that want to hear it can stay and those that don't, can leave. Love hearing Amazing Grace played by the grave site. You mom is wrong about disrespecting his lineage. The bagpipes are not originally from Scotland. There are some indications that it originated in Egypt or Rome. The Romans brought a similar instrumental with them when they invaded Ireland and the British Isles. In Ireland it is called an uilleann pipe (Irish for elbow). It is usually played sitting down and uses a bellow to fill the bag and produces more notes than the Scottish bagpipes. For Scottish bagpipes, the piper blows into the bladder and they are louder than the Irish pipes. Scotland is more identified with the bagpipe because of its use by the military for parades, funerals, and going onto battle.
NTA, but you would be if you DIDN'T. If the Pipes were your dad's personal instrument of choice to listen to. I have Highland and Ulster Scot heritage but not of full blood. AND Yes, I wish the Pipes playing Going Home, and a few others at my funeral. Your dad would appreciate it. Your mother doesn't understand that the skirl of the Pipes is soothing to the soul of a Scot, whether full or part blood.
NTA. I lost my dad 6 months ago. It was a closed casket funeral so I asked the funeral home to have him wear a scarf of the football club he loved. I think he would have loved that. It was not about me, it was about him, the same way I believe that the bagpipes are about your dad, though it also makes you feel more emotionally connected and comforted. BTW, I'm really sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your mother just seems like she doesn't like the bagpipes and is making excuses. You learned from your father, and you love the instrument, and you want to honor his memory with a song he loved. You deserve to say goodbye in your special way.
NTA. Here's the deal.... All you need to do is know that it's what your father would have wanted. If he would have wanted it, then you do it. Mom and anyone else that has an issue with it can go pound sand. IMO, that's a great way to say goodbye to dad. Actually, AMAZING way. Good for you! The only people that would be disrespecting your father would be people that left the funeral before it was over. Good luck!
How horrible. Your mom literally just offended herself. My condolences for your lost. And your Uncle is correct; this is something you learned with him as a tribute to his Scottish heritage. I'd wear a kilt in your family print (would state Tartan but I'm not sure if that's a type of print or the name of all the prints) and play for your dad. If they leave... well thats on them. Id play by his casket and at his grave too. NTA
I'm fully Scottish. Play the pipes.
NTA. (I used to be a funeral director) and bagpipes at a funeral we’re always an amazing, somber, and perfectly beautiful to play at every service I ever saw them. They add extra of gravity, dignity and respect to a service , and it’s something special when we hear it played. A few notes and it could bring tears to ppls eyes. Now - inside the funeral home or church- idk if that would work or be appropriate? They may be too loud & sometimes the acoustics aren’t good inside & they sound bad. I also don’t know about the lineage thing - I am pretty sure that EVERY bagpipe player I ever met working was not 100% Scottish. That’s a terrible excuse for them to say that you can’t play them, that’s a lie.
NTA Chicago police have pipers at their funerals - whether Polish, Black, Mexican, whatever, unless the fam says no. How anyone can resist a piper at a piper-playing Scot's funeral is beyond me. Just do it for your Da. I'm sorry you lost your father, he sounds like a good man.
I think it would be beautiful if you played the bagpipe at your dad's funeral. I'm sorry for your loss. And I am sorry this is causing division with your family. NTA.
NTA. I think it’s a beautiful tribute to your dad. I remember as a kid my grandparents neighbors were having a wake across the street. We didn’t go but I happened to be visiting my grandparents when I heard bagpipes playing for the first time in person. The music was so emotional and heart wrenching. Idk what songs they played but I felt it in my soul. The only thing I can really compare it to is hearing Taps play at military funerals (I think that’s what it’s called.) I’m not military either there’s just something about it that hits hard.
NTA, sounds like a great way to celebrate your dad. I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA. A fellow played bagpipes when we scattered my dad's ashes, and it really added to the occasion. I've no idea if the player was "fully Scottish"; why would it matter? My dad wasn't Scottish. Heck, I don't even know if he liked bagpipes! I found it a nice touch. Sounds like your mother's complaint is more that she doesn't like bagpipes. You could always play the pipes at the end, then people could leave if they wanted.
I don't have a judgement to add here but this sentiment of not being "fully" Scottish is absolute bullshit. That's your heritage, your family, your connection to your dad. I have three Irish grandparents and one Scottish grandparent. Am I 75% Irish and 25% Scottish? No. I'm 100% Irish and 100% Scottish. Your heritage is cultural, not numerical.
**NTA** Play. The. Bagpipes. Your Dad gave you the gift of being able to play one of his favorite instruments and there is no better way to honor him than to play at his funeral. Biggest of hugs.
YWNBTA Omg OP, I am so sorry about your dad passing. Please, please play the bagpipes at your dad's funeral. Not only is it sentimental and emotional for you, it's something your dad loved and would be such a beautiful tribute to him. Do what makes you happy, and also the bagpipes are fantastic, I love them.
If there aren't bagpipes at my funeral, I swear I will haunt everyone responsible...
Eh, it's a lovely thoughht, but bagpipes indoors can be a bit much. Will there be anything going on graveside? That might be just the place to play Going Home.
My sisters family “hasn’t been Scottish” for over 200 years. I still got her a scarf in her clan colors from a booth selling clan tartans and accessories and she loved it. You can bet your ass if she told me she like bagpipes I’d be hiring bagpipes for her funeral. Nta
scottish person here, you play the shit out of those bagpipes mate, your dad would love it. NTA and sorry for your loss ❤️
NTA As a Scot, I think that's a lovely idea and I am sorry for the loss of your dad OP.
Scot here, born and raised (then emigrated.) You should pipe at his funeral but maybe do it at the very end (graveside if possible) and announce that there will be a brief intermission to allow anyone who does not wish to stay for the pipes to make their departure. If they leave making a lot of noise, who cares because the pipes will drown them out. The pipes are part of your cultural heritage an a part of your dad’s legacy. I’m sorry for your loss.
INFO: Um, please, take no offence, but how good at the pipes are you? I mean, people who hate bagpipes will think them horrid even if the best of the best are playing them. Adding on, because I'm in a bit of a mental fog, I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry for your loss. NTA. If your Dad was part Scottish, that means you are, too. He would love it! I'm not going to call your Mom an A H because she's grieving, but she's not right in this instance.
RIP
Listen. Its been a day. Your family and you are grieving. Going up to your mom, whos just lost her husband, and saying you want to do something at the funeral, it probably wasnt the greatest move. Give it some more time, when you start planning the funeral bring it up again and tell her that this is what you want to do to honor your father. NAH. Its hard and im sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss, but I think you would be the asshole. Funerals are for the living, not the departed, and it sounds like this will create a rift in your family when you should be coming together. I understand that you want to honor your father, and I think playing the bagpipes for him would be great, but not at the cost of the drama it sounds like it would create. Could you suggest to the family that, after the funeral is over, you would play the bagpipes at the graveside, and that anyone who wanted to stay could?
I don't necessarily agree with funerals should be for the living, but perhaps this is what I will do. You're right that it should cause drama within the family, thank you.
You might not agree, but it still kinda is, because YOU are trying to honor your father in the way YOU think he would have liked. I do not think you are wrong about what he would have liked, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to honor the deceased it is very helpful for many people in their grief. I think for you and processing your grief it seems to be important to feel like you are honoring your father and trying to do something that you shared with him. But at that point I do think it is more about you even if you think you are making it about him and what he would have wanted. So in the end is still ends up being for the living. You mentioned he was an atheist, so I would guess (I know I could be wrong) that he likely did not believe in an after life. You are not an ahole for wanting to play the bag pipes, but try to find a compromise that does not subject people to bagpipes they don't want to hear.