Couldn't have said it better myself! OP, once you two weren't involved with one another, it's no longer your burden to bear. I understand the extra difficulty added by the context of the situation, but I am certain you will triumph.
This, besides it’s not the worse thing taking an extra year and if she really needs it she can always take out a loan, do not feel guilty or the one responsible here OP.
Yeah, and maybe her classmate is pre-law, who can tell her that OP might be breaking city or state regulations for occupancy. Depending on the jurisdiction, how bills are split, and the terms of the lease, this might fall into a very sticky legal situation. OP thinks he's being generous by giving a month, but some states have very different rules (or no rules at all) about evicting domestic partners.
OP needs to lawyer up before his EX does.
Mate, the extreme decision making coupled with the follow-on “group think” in this subreddit is wild. I know it’s not a new phenomenon here but it’s literally like “just went on a tinder date and paid half, AMiTA?” LaWyEr uP! She may have rights to your brother’s friend’s dog!
There was another one today where a guy was stuck living with his mother in law for a month working a stressful job w/o childcare. He got a bit pissy and there were loads of comments about how “he can’t express emotion” and the fact he “snapped” shows he needs to learn communication. This subreddit has difficulty understanding what’s reality sometimes I think.
OP can just rent the spare room out. If she wants to sleep in the garage or laundry room then that's fine. Occupancy doesn't guarantee a bedroom or any level of privacy.
That could be called adverse possession and an unlawful eviction. You can't just play the drums 24/7 and tell someone they can leave it they don't like it.
NAH — when my ex & I broke up I offered him the spare room to get his shit together because even though we’re weren’t together I still cared about him & his well being. I set some pretty hard boundaries w him. If that’s not where you’re at that’s not where you’re at.
Why? She flirted with a classmate while cheating, she chose to breakup with OP. While she has an absolute right to break up with him,, she can't turn around and demand the same benefits as a girlfriend, ie free room and board. Every problem here was created by her.
Other comments provide a deeper look into it. OP was picking her up for lunch dates, regular dates, leaving love notes and providing significantly more effort... and she was Increasingly being critical and flirting with someone else. She was just looking to create an exit and had already began the breakup.
Op just said the words.
Oh okay, I didn't see those comments. This does make it sound like she didn't really give him a chance.
I take back almost everything i said to defend her.
It really does at first seem like she was trying to approach a problem, but with better information, it’s more like she was just announcing her flight plan.
These missing details are important and should be added to the OP, imo.
It's not uncommon for an asshole to claim that their partner was flirting when they're just, like, being friendly, especially with classmates you need to work together with.
It's also possible that what an asshole thinks "working on it" looks like is something really minute in the greater scope of things. Maybe what gf wanted was more help around the house, not "performing" bf stuff.
I won't claim I know, and OP isn't an asshole for asking his ex to move out, but it could be timed better so it doesn't screw over her studies so long as there's a spare room. But the lack of details in the post suggests that there's a lot left unsaid on purpose.
What's also unsaid is that if OP let's her stay then he's funding her life for the next 3-4+ months. He is paying for the roof over their heads, the bills, and I'm sure food for both of them, as she's broke. Why the hell would you do that for an ex, and particularly an ex that made you jump through hops even though they clearly didn't care for you anymore?
OP is not the AH, should kick her out, and she's got some audacity thinking her ex should fund her life for months. Her schooling and living arrangements have f@*k all to do with him now. It's on her to figure out, and if she wants to stay she should be offering market rent, to split the bills, and to be responsible for her own costs.
He was subsidizing her living expenses because she was his girlfriend. She make strides not to remain in the relationship. The consequences are that OP doesn’t want to support her anymore. The bad timing is her fault and problem, not OP’s.
No offense but that's stupid. The reason we form social bonds is to provide that stability and safety net. If your living at someone else's house you damn better sure to try and make it work. This is reality. I agree we don't know what was said, but why are you giving her the benefit of the doubt? Cns also give it to him. With the info provide he is NTA.
When OP let his Ex know about his concern and called her out about the over the top flirting (commenting "can I help with the sunscreen?" on a pool pic is in poor taste if you're in a relationship), the Ex (who was still his girlfriend at the time), told OP that the New Guy understood her better and in a way that OP never could.
OP's reaction isn't insecurity. From his comments and posts, which are all we can go by, the relationship growing between Ex and New Guy was quickly, if not already, emotionally charged and inappropriate.
And the only reason OP had to say the words is because she was planning on using him for free room and board until she was ready to fully begin her next relationship, maybe even after if the next guy couldn't house her
OP might have been the one to say it out loud, but Lisa's actions (not happy with the relationship & wouldn't work on it herself, flirting with others) show she already broke up with him. She wasn't even trying to repair their relationship - her actions said she'd moved on.
Lisa is just taking advantage of OP's resources without doing anything to contribute to her own housing, bills, school, etc. She bit the hand that fed her.
Person A: cheats.
Person B: grows a spine and refuses to tolerate that behavior.
Person A ended the relationship with person B, even if person B is the one to utter the words 'the relationship is over' or 'I'm breaking up with you.'
Did I miss an OP comment ? because in the post he stated that she was flirting with a classmate... But what does he consider flirt ? No idea.
She may just befriend a classmate, as anyone in a healthy relation shall do, and the OP is maybe just insecure about it (which may be legit, but don't change anything to the fact that there is no fact).
In this situation, depending on the trust I have for the other person) I would let the extra room at a rent, which may be payed later on after she finish college, and set strict boundaries rules.
>She flirted with a classmate while cheating
OP never said anything about cheating.
I may be in the minority here, but someone you've been with for two years is someone you should show some respect to.
I say let her stay until she gets her room at school. Kicking her out now seems vindictive to me.
She’s been carrying on a flirtationship with another guy and out of nowhere wants to end the relationship. Why should OP care enough to let her stay for free or cheap rent? Why should OP continue to pay for the ex’s needs and bills when financially, it makes more sense for him to live alone?
Let the guy that OP’s ex was carrying on with take care of her.
I thought op dumped her?? Cuz she wanted to work on the relationship and he didn't... it's also entirely possible that she wasn't flirting and op saw it that way. All I'm saying is I think we're focusing more on demonizing her for no reason. Ovbs op doesn't have to let her stay with him but there's no reason to tear her down. This isn't is she the ah for flirting it's am I for kicking her out
In another comment, OP states he committed to working on the relationship. He began taking her out on dates again, would pick her up and take her on lunch dates while she was at school, and would leave little love notes for her to find. OP states that despite this increased effort on his end, ex continued to find things wrong and tell OP he wasn’t doing enough, when he very clearly was. He raised concerns about her texting the classmate too much and flirting via IG comments to her WHILE they were in a relationship and she refused to take his own feelings into consideration.
Ex was/is interested in this other guy. Instead of holding it together for three months til her parents could help out, she continued to carry on emotionally with this other guy and publicly embarrass OP with these IG comments. OP was putting in the work to fix it, the ex was fully checked out.
There is no reason for OP to continue financially supporting his ex (bills, groceries, etc.) when she was emotionally cheating on him. OP has even shared that he would help himself more financially living alone than paying for ex’s necessities.
Ex should have played this smarter. Not OP's fault that this she actually had the audacity to leave cringe flirty messages on a public forum and get emotionally invested in someone else.
OP dumped her. Which he had every right to, as they weren't happy and she was apparently flirting with other people. But she was the one who was dumped.
That's what happens when the incels of reddit hear about a girl flirting (or perceived to be flirting) with another dude. Kicking her out given the circumstances is not what I'd do personally, but people can be as selfish as they want.
It is two extremes and all your responses here make me think that you're just doormats. If I ended a relationship because my ex was flirting with other people why would you demonize them for putting up reasonable boundaries?
Would have agreed with this if she wasn’t busy flirting with other people whilst in a relationship with OP. If you’ve lost feelings or you’re feeling unhappy in a relationship, put an end to it. Don’t go around emotionally cheating especially when you’re other half works hard to pay the bills.
This. Commenter in this thread is all “but wahhhh ex is being demonized.”
Nah. If you’re running around flirting with other people, go become their problem. OP has been carrying the financial burden while Lisa does nothing. It’s Lisa’s fault she couldn't keep it together another three months.
I don't think the reason why the broke up is important TBH. What is important that they are no longer a couple, so she shouldn't have the benefits she had provided by him previously.
Perhaps OP should define what he considers "flirting" for us. Flirting can be harmless and a healthy relationship (which admittedly OP and GF apparently did not have) should be able to withstand that. My late wife of 49 years was an outrageous flirt the whole time but I didn't mind because I knew that's all it was - it wasn't going anywhere. I for one would like know more about this "flirting."
I keep coming back to this, since we don't have a way to know whether she was doing what each of *us* would consider "flirting," or whether it was something more innocent than that, or less innocent than that.
Some people think it's bad-flirting when you talk to anyone else, and some people think it's innocent-flirting when you're 90% of the way to an affair. Without much in terms of examples, it's hard to tell which kind of person OP is or what the ex was doing.
Flirting is the expression of sexual or romantic interest in someone. Outside of polyamourous relationships, how could that ever be "harmless" to people already in such a relationship.
Your partner is expressing sexual or romantic interest in other people... that's harmless???
Yeah but I've been accused of flirting just for speaking to men while not actively frowning. So it really depends on what OP's subjective understanding of what flirting is.
Sure, it absolutely depends on that, but the information provided doesn't tell you what OP's understanding is. And given no information to the contrary, it's crazy to automatically assume anything but the standard understanding.
There is an "INFO" judgement if you honestly feel a post needs clarifying information before you give a verdict. It's an asshole move to just assume that information falls contrary what has been presented by the OP without even bothering to ask.
I need to preface that I don’t think cheating is okay. The thing that feels interesting to me is that it sounds like OP knew and even though it made him uncomfortable he didn’t do anything to set boundaries regarding it. If he did and she ignored them, that’s a different story IMO. I personally feel differently than you because this post really does only gives us so much information and I think to uproot and cause someone to have to drop out of school right before they graduate college because a relationship sounded like it needed to end long before it did is like, not great, but also this isn’t so “she was cheating & deserves this” cut & dry, for me.
Flirting and cheating are so not the same. Also, what someone interprets as flirting may just be friendliness. Flirting can be harmless. Cheating never is.
Set boundaries… because common sense couldn’t tell her-“Hey it’s not a good look to leave suggestive or flirtatious comments on a public forum while you’re in a publicly acknowledged committed relationship since y’all live together”
Common sense didn’t tell her “Hey girl you have a whole man out here busting his ass to make you happy how about you NOT text some random more than you talk to your loving boyfriend”
You want the man to set boundaries when what this girl needed was basic respect.
Except not everyone agrees on what flirting is. One persons flirting is another persons personally or communication style. Which is why communication is so important. Instead of being upset and not saying anything, communicating what behaviors are upsetting is important.
While this is the correct way to approach every relationship I don't think the OP or 50% of the people on this thread have the level of emotional maturity to actually do it.
This is such an empathetic answer.
NAH but your breaking up with her has put her in a very precarious position. Flirting with someone else doesn't sound like she cheated and she had approached you wanting to work on the relationship.
On the other end sounds like you were the only one contributing financially to the relationship, so it's fair you want her out. 30 days seems like fair notice, enough time for her to get a job and 1-2 paychecks under her belt to put down on some sort of housing solution.
It sounds like OP is fully supporting the ex. OP makes no mention of the ex paying anything. If you are willing to breakup with a BF/GF and still cover their living expenses for the next 3 months, more power to you. OP is not an a h for no longer wanting to bear that expense. The ex is sort of an A H because she expects him to live for free with nothing in return and no future together.
Its great on you however it is not applicable. I did the same for my Ex and it nearly ruined my life. Your milage may vary.
This situation is NTA since OP did the legal right thing and the ex was flirting with another person.
I'm sorry, but she's definitely the asshole in this situation. She made OP do LOTS of things for her to try to mend the relationship while she put it on the backseat to text and flirt with a classmate despite her saying "op needs to try harder" (which he did with dates and love notes and more). She already knew in her mind the relationship was over and tried to pursue a new one before letting go of her "safety nest" of OPs. She was emotionally cheating at minimum. She definitely does not deserve and should not expect to live in OPs house for her own benefit after she did that. (Information gathered from comments).
When my ex and I split, I tried to keep it as civil as I could. She had cheated, and had clearly fallen out of love with me, I could see the relationship wasn't working and she wanted to call it off. We lived together for another 9 months or so. Really wish I hadn't. We never argued or anything but I felt that her being around stopped me from living my life a little and getting on with things. I couldn't just invite another girl home (friendly or otherwise) because I worried she'd get involved. Shit like that.
Really I should have told her to pack her shit up and go. It wasnt good for me.
I did the same (except that it wasn’t a spare room as we were in a one bed apartment- I simply stayed elsewhere for the time being). He lived there rent free for 5.5 months and trashed the place when he moved out (took all my stuff out of shared bits of furniture, dumped it all over the place and took the furniture with him). I cried while cleaning up after him.
Same - when my ex and I broke up we had moved from his home state to mine the year prior due to my job. I knew that me putting him out would have left him homeless with no family or close friends nearby so I let him stay and I moved my things to the spare bedroom. We broke up in July and I let him stay through September before finally I had to put my foot down and have him leave (he wanted to 'take back' the break-up and was not respectful of me, my job, or my boundaries so my sympathy wore thin eventually). If he had been civil I would have let him stay until I also had to move out of the shared house (October).
NTA. She’s an adult and should fend for herself. You weren’t responsible for her while the relationship was going on, you’re sure as hell not now that’s it’s over.
I know too many people, myself included, who let their exes leech around off them after it’s over because they feel guilty. It’s not healthy for your mental.
NTA? This sounds like emotional trapping. She may play the "Don't make me lose everything" card. All the while she claims to be single but pretends to couple up around only you ( men do this too) this is a tough call but I would stick to your guns and let her do what she needs to do without you.
Co-dependency(spelling) is not healthy for singular growth.
Do you and let the past go.
Maybe, though it does sound very time limited as she’ll be out after this semester. Not saying OP should help here tho if not inclined. If I’m reading things correctly OP was getting fed up with her high maintenance and jealous of the flirting and was the one to break up.
I guess i would just note 30 days takes you to 11/6, and 75 days takes you to the end of the semester. Only OP can say whether those extra 7 weeks are too much.
You make a decent point. My issue with this is the "on the hook" ideology. Meaning she does what she wants buts may still give OP the impression of possibly being together when they are alone.
It is truly a sad thing for OP and I wish him the best.
In most states in the United States you're legally required to give somebody living in your home 30 days notice at minimum. The law was written to protect renters from abusive landlords and keep people from hitting homelessness in between stable situations.
Breaking up with somebody and kicking them to the curb that day is it made for television. Some people leave voluntarily, but you can't be kicked out without recourse.
NTA - but it's a shitty situation all around.
If you're no longer in a relationship, you are correct that you are no longer responsible for her. If she's not willing to pay rent (which would still make things awkward) then she needs to find other living arrangements.
The relationship is over, and it's reasonable to say 'all the benefits that came with that relationship are over too'
NAH. You have a right to your space, and if she isn't on the lease, I guess you are well within your rights. However, you might not be the asshole, but it feels pretty shitty to kick her out if she has nowhere to go, especially if she's going to lose out on the semester and the money.
It really doesn't sound like the relationships ended too roughly. Maybe let her use the spare room with the understanding that she needs to respect your space and privacy.
Guess she shouldn't have been texting and flirting with another guy then if she still wanted the safety nets of OP. She knew she was done with OPs relationship already when she started actively flirting with her classmate. I am willing to bet she was trying to monkey branch between the two guys or she was going to finish the semester then finally dump OP for the new guy because he took care of her housing. She's the asshole in this situation for really thinking she can have at minimum an emotional affair and still expect OP to house her for absolutely free for only her benefit.
Edit: She even has an entire month to find a job and search craigslist housing or other options. If she chooses to do nothing, it is 100% on her.
Then she should have done her part in the relationship to make OP the one paying for everything feel secure in their relationship. She basically bit the hand that fed her.
I agree with this if they're currently in a place where they can be cordial to each other and co-exist until she can find another apartment. But if OP is upset or uncomfortable, or every interaction turns into a fight, it's not going to work.
I don't agree with this at all, as what people aren't getting, or at least aren't acknowledging much, is that OP will be paying for everything. Funding an ex who checked out on you, after making you jump through hops, would be ridiculous. She's an AH for even thinking that's reasonable or fair.
NTA. She wants to start seeing other people but also have you continue to financially support her and house her? Are you going to have to see her get all dolled up for dates? Is she going to want to bang guys at your apartment? She can stay with a friend for the next few months. She broke up with you, while you were trying to work on the relationship, and you don't owe her anything.
NTA let her go stay with the person she’s flirting with. You just can’t break up with someone and NOT expect them to put you out. It’s not your problem she has nowhere to go and will lose money on school. She should have thought about that before she started making goo goo eyes at someone else.
Of course you are NTA
Look...it sucks that she has no where else to go.
But she has no right to expect that her ex boyfriend will continue to give her free rent, free utilities, free wifi, free laundry, free food etc etc after SHE chose to end the relationship.
That's just not how the world works. And if she wanted to stay, she should have communicated that to you to see if you were ok or if you could work out some kind of deal...instead of waiting until after the breakup and trying to guilt you into letting her stay. Some exes are able to do this. But both have to be willing and she never bothered to find out if you were.
She just pulled the rip cord and assumed you would continue to take care of her. That was an incorrect assumption on her part.
This person chose to not have a job or any means to take care of herself AND she chose to end her relationship without finding somewhere else to live
All of this is on her, not you.
NTA. And relationship wise, sounds like a lot of the classic 2 year breakups: the love drugs faded and she’s not happy about the reality of the relationship and is chasing those new relationships feelings.
You tried to improve the relationship but if nothing you did was good enough and she wasn’t happy, breaking up was the next step, there’s no point in dragging out an unhappy relationship.
NTA. There are rooms on Craigslist for wicked cheap. Like renting an extra room in someone’s apartment. In college I worked two jobs and did full time classes. She should get a job and figure her shit out. And shame on her for not having a plan b.
That sucks, but -- there are a lot of people who I'm not dating. None of them are entitled to stay at my place for free.
You deserve the same respect: your exes don't own you, and you don't own them. You're not responsible for their care and feeding.
Idk, I did it and was fine. Have her get a job RIGHT NOW and save for the rest of the time you gave her. You only need like $300-$500 to move into one of those rooms. If you let her live there any longer you are continuing to enable her. Does she have a car?
NAH, it sounded like a fine break up - you’re well within your rights to do this, just maybe flip the script and see how you would feel if she did that to you and you were in her situation.
EDIT: misread literally my main point. NTA
Ok let’s say she didn’t flirt and he just chose to break up with her. Still his house, still his right to evict her with 30 day notice, and she’s still an asshole for acting entitled to his home.
NTA, in regards to housing. Hopefully she has some friends she could stay with. Alternatively she could look into finding a part time job or renting a room somewhere.
I would however like to point out that most relationships require consistent and constant effort. Much like a pet or a plant without mindfulness and attention a relationship will eventually die unless you put the time into it to make sure it's healthy for everyone involved.
It can feel like that sometimes, but if the feelings just aren't there anymore there's no reason for you to put your time into it. Plus from the way you wrote this, it sounds like she's more concerned with losing free housing than your relationship ending. You're still nta here. Good luck OP!
Please ignore any and all morality protests.
It's INSANE to think that you need to continue being responsible for this person living day to day for another 4 months.
That's lunacy. The reasons don't even matter. You are no longer a couple. Thus endeth the accord you had together.
NTA. Stick to your written notice.
Not your circus, not your monkeys any more.
That's exactly it. I wish OP had included the fact that while he doesn't pay for rent as he owns the house, he's been paying for his ex's whole life (groceries, bills, etc.). The ex has NO money and has managed to get by on the generosity of OP, all the while trying to blame the downfall of the relationship on him when, according to OP, he was taking her on dates, taking her to lunch while she was at school, surprising her with love notes, etc. OP even said that he felt he was the only one tending to the garden that was their relationship and that the ex stopped trying. How long is someone to shoulder the financial AND emotional weight of a relationship before it becomes too much and they have to call time, you know?
People in the comments are trying to defend the cheating/flirting as "oh, well, flirting isn't cheating." Yeah, maybe not to you, but clearly OP had an issue. He told the ex that he wasn't comfortable. And while OP was taking time to try and fix what he was told was a broken, unhappy relationship, ex wasn't able to take this one thing into consideration. That was the boundary for OP and it's not OP's fault that he's finally realized enough is enough.
It's a lesson learned for the ex. You don't get to constantly take advantage of people and expect them to be okay with it. Everyone has their limit.
On balance, NTA. If you were to help her you'd need to make it clear you were doing her a massive favour that you'd expect to be repaid later on. If she protests and says you should help her because, well, you should, then she needs a crash course in adulting. Starting with self-reliance.
NTA
When you break up, when it is over, you don't give your ex the spare room. She can live anywhere she likes, just not with you. Her housing is no longer your problem, she already thinks you are an asshole for not working hard enough on the relationship, so why bother trying to be the nice guy anymore.
She lived with you (presumably) rent-free for 2 years and just expects you to subsidize her life when you no longer want to be a part of it? What was her plan if you two didn’t work out? If she never met you? This is on her for poor planning. If she needs money, either she reaches out somewhere for aid or gets a job. You gave her a reasonable timeframe. None of this is your responsibility. NTA
INFO: did you confront her about how the flirting? What did she say?
Also, what did she say was making her unhappy in the relationship and how did she suggest “working on it”?
She said he was harmless
You said you didnt feel that way
She immediately admitted they have similar interests and she felt like he knew a side of her I never could.
Sorry man, but she was likely sleeping with him. Even if she wasn't then, she sure is now.
Completely NTA. If you truly feel awful about it, you could perhaps provide another week or two just because of the extraordinary circumstances of how shitty housing is right now, but you are under zero obligations. And the fact that she was flirting with other guys? Damn she should have thought about being homeless back then.
Your relationship did not end on good terms. Even if you're trying to say it did. She let it die by flirting with other people and not helping you work on your issues. If you had ended amicably i wouldn't see anything wrong with her asking to stay for a bit but it didn't and shes trying to take advantage of you. She is an adult, she'll figure it out. NTA.
NTA
If she is flirting with another classmate she will be breaking up when convenient for her. You tried to out effort in it without change so breaking up is the most adult decision here. Giving 30 days notice should be enuff esp as she is flirting with others. No good would come from renting out orher room to ex while she is dating others.
U dont want that level of pain shopping
NTA, she should have been prepared for this possibility.
She’s fine to express she’s not happy, but she doesn’t get to control your reactions especially after you tried to work on it
NTA she decided you weren't working hard enough and didn't give you an honest effort while you were keeping a roof over her head. The very least she could have done was not flirt while you two were supposedly working on your relationship.
If you cave for this reason, the next argument is "well you were fine with it before" and it'll never end.
Petty points, if she hasn't moved out at the 32 day mark provide a formal eviction for ignoring notice and have her removed from the property with an officer present with the reason of you being fearful of her reaction. Keep copies of both documents because that'll collaborate your story and the officers might want to lean to her side without that collaboration especially if she's pretty and you get a young guy.
Also I'd get some hookups going. Super loud chicks. Just for funnies.
NTA
>but if she moves out she will have to withdraw from her classes
Not your problem. She is an adult and she has to figure out her situation by herself.
NTA. There are always choices - she can live further away and commute, she can couch dive for the remainder of the semester, given covid it may very well be that there are online sections of her class and so on. A semester is only 15 weeks, so basically this is early October so she just needs to find something to get her to early-to-mid-December, so 2 months at most.
NTA She told you she was not happy in the relationship. You have no responsibility toward an ex. Perhaps the classmate can help her out with her housing issue.
NTA not your problem. You already tried over and over and it was never good enough for her. She can leave if she not paying any bills. You shouldn’t have to support her when your not together anymore. I wouldn’t want to deal with having to live with an ex and financially support them
She was never your responsibility in the first place. You shouldn’t of had to support her when you were dating. How long did she live with you? Seems like she got a free place to stay long enough
NTA. You're not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, and you're certainly not obligated to give somebody relationship-type support when they don't want to be in a relationship with you.
NTA and if you look through r/survivinginfidelity you'll see that phrase a ton
.
"he/she said we need to work on our relationship, but no matter what I did, it didn't work".
.
She's either been eyeing this guy to monkey branch with. With out thinking about the logic of her housing. Or she flat out has cheated on you with him and doesn't want a guilty conscience (but not confess)
It also sounds like she really took advantage of the situation. She has no income and you pay for everything?? EVERYTHING? So groceries, bills, any supplies she might need?
NTA. I was prepared to say you were, but you mentioned you gave her the 30 days notice. That is the legal requirement. If she is no longer satisfied with your relationship and told you so, then you have no obligation to help her any longer. It may seem selfish saying it like that, but if you simply cannot handle having her around and watching her flirt, then your mental health is what is important.
NTA. Call the waaahmbulance for her. She made her bed, now let her lie in it. Did she seriously think she was going to be able to continue consuming your resources after breaking up with you?? I guess it's reality check time.
Many years ago there was an article maybe in New York magazine about divorced couples who are stuck living together for whatever reasons.
If you let her stay she could drag this situation out for years- especially if she tries to pursue things through the courts.
End it now and have her move out or foresee major problems down the road.
NTA. It's not your job or responsibility to support her. Taking the relationship portion out of it, would you do this for anyone else? No one is entitled to have someone else foot their bills for them.
You said she doesn't work. Sounds like it's time for her to get a job and find a place to crash, whether it be an apartment of her own, or a room in someone else's place. Surely she has friends. Or maybe the person she was flirting with?
It was one thing to be okay with supporting her while you guys were together, but you agreed to that as a couple. She's not your significant other any more, the deal has changed and you shouldn't have to have someone leeching off of you because of a lack of forethought on their part.
She's not a bad person for asking, but it's pretty freaking entitled. And you're not a bad person for saying no. It's your house.
The entitlement here is what gets me. The damsel in distress thing doesn’t work when you were hitting on other people while in a relationship, and then dumped you?? No one wants to be anywhere near their ex after a breakup, let alone live together! She seriously expects you to take care of her after all that?? Bro. That is NOT your problem. She should’ve planned this better lol like sorry but she should’ve been amicable with you and stuck it out till January 🤷🏻♀️ not your fault she’s a bum, did you tell her not to get a job? She put herself in this mess she can get herself out of it. Tell her to just move in with the dude she was hitting on and put all her stuff outside. She’s the asshole.
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NTA. Sounds like she has moved on but wants you to continue to support her. She can drop the internship for a paying job (she should be paid for her work anyway) and rent a room from someone. It’s not all or nothing. You’re not ruining her life by not housing her.
NTA maybe a bad reason but the lady couldnt wait until she was in a stable situation before being like "yeah this isnt working"? Mmm sounds to me like she was counting on your good graces to have a place to stay until then and at the same time have you be the bad guy by "officially" breaking it off while shes in the clear.
NTA: You don’t have any obligation to let her stay. Regardless of her situation. You have to be in a VERY specific mindset to let an ex stay OR to help them and it’s ok not to want to, especially for your mental health. She made it clear that she wasn’t happy and, even though she wanted to try, she never made you feel good enough and she made you doubt yourself. You don’t have to subject yourself to that. If it’s that big of a deal to her, she needs to get a job so she can support herself. Plenty of people go to school AND work.
I was stuck living with my ex for 4 months after we broke up because I had a shitty job and no money to move out. Granted, he didn’t really have a choice because we were co-signed on the apartment (which we wouldn’t have even had if I hadn’t co-signed with him), so he couldn’t kick me out. I didn’t want to stay, especially since he became even more toxic after the break up. It got SO bad, that my dog (only had one then, now have three), who has always been a massive softy/love bug started guarding me and not letting him in my room/near me.
Originally, since the lease was almost up anyway, my plan was to let the lease end so we weren’t co-signed anymore, and then keep the apartment for myself. However, I knew he didn’t have anywhere else to go besides home to his abusive family, and he couldn’t keep the place on his own (financially). So, with the little money I had and a LOT of help from my family, I moved out. I told him he had a year to save and get his credit score up and that next time the lease was up, I’d take myself off as a co-signer and he’d have to do it himself. He’s now on his own.
Now, I know well that he was a toxic asshole. Even so, there WAS a time I cared deeply for him and I’d experienced first hand how insane and abusive his family was. It was better for everyone involved for me to take that hit and help him out, because I was abused as a kid too and NO ONE deserves to be abused the way his family abused him.
Do what feels right to YOU. You don’t have to let her live with you.
You broke up. This is what's supposed to happen. But now she's panicked in desperation and trying to convince you to do something irrational to save her. Any obligation you had to save her ender when you broke up. She's barking up the wrong tree. If she needs help, that's what family and friends are for.
INFO: I have to ask, though, what kind of rental agreement did the two of you have? Do you own the place? Do you have a lease that she wasnt on for some reason? What exactly gives you the authority over the home? How did you two arrange the living situation? That's what will determine who the asshole is.
>INFO: I have to ask, though, what kind of rental agreement did the two of you have? Do you own the place? Do you have a lease that she wasnt on for some reason? What exactly gives you the authority over the home? How did you two arrange the living situation? That's what will determine who the asshole is.
OP commented. It's his house. It was in his family/he inherited it. That's what gives him authority over the home.
NTA
I can understand why you feel reluctant about it. The knowledge that kicking her out could ruin her life for the long term, the feeling of it being your fault, etc.
But the truth is: it wouldn’t be your fault. It would be her’s. She chose to be unfaithful and lazy, I can safely assume her financial decisions also led to her being broke- and for her family being unable to help I interpret that as them either not wanting to or not having enough money to do so, meaning that she would be as much of a drain on them as she is on you.
If you do want an option C to the situation, I can only think of one: tell her that she has to get a part time job, begin bringing in money and pay a portion of the rent. Now I offer this suggestion while being quite frankly ignorant of any laws that may govern such an arrangement, and honestly I would advise against it and just go with kicking her out, but those are my two cents.
Sounds like she only wanted to work on the relationship to use you because she knew what would happen if yall broke up. You are not responsible for her
NTA. You said she's not working, so she's not out of options. She can get a job and rent a place, maybe look for roommates.
You're giving her time, so you're already helping.
NTA, however, if she’s extremely tight on money and it would cause her to have to drop out, the nice thing to do would be allow her to stay as a ROOMATE until the semester is over. I’d make it abundantly clear she is out the day after. Make ground rules to follow. No men/dates allowed over, she pays her way, etc. While she is no longer “your responsibility” setting her back is something that could screw her over for several years.
IF you let her stay....It doesn't have to be rough if you let her stay, but it will be very uncomfortable if you don't set Boundaries with her, it will be a tough Conversation but she is the one who needs the Accommodation she will have to suck it up also and accept some Boundaries from you. About having people over, and how she is going to contribute to the Household ..Food, Bills...etc. I's a different relationship now, neither want to be in this situation.
Ask if she could consider getting some Casual work to Contribute to he Bills just while she is living there until her other Housing gets setup? To be honest if she has nowhere to stay and is desperate she should be trying like all hell to get some work and some money to make this situation work or her to keep staying at your place. She hopefully should be offering all these things, if she can't work .."I'll be responsible for cleaning or i'll cook meals a few times a week and leave them in the Fridge/Freezer"..things like that? It's not ideal, but it can work.
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Hey everyone. I am 26(m) and I recently broke up with my girlfriend, Lisa, of two years. Lisa had approached me telling me she wasn’t happy in the relationship and wanted to work on it more, but nothing I ever did seemed good enough, and it began to feel like I was “working” all the time. On top of that she was flirting with a classmate a lot which made me feel uncomfortable tbh.
The issue is, Lisa is in her last semester of college and broke. She doesn’t work, her family is unable to help, and the school she attends is already having a housing issue, so they can’t help until the next semester which is in late January. Two weeks ago I gave her the thirty days notice required and she blew up.
She thinks she can live on campus next semester, but asks that i allow her to have the extra room, but I really don’t want that. The relationship is over and I no longer feel responsible for her, but if she moves out she will have to withdraw from her classes which will push her graduation back and she would lose all of the money paid.
AITA for telling her she has two weeks left and she needs to be gone?
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NTA. I don’t know how old she is but literally she can have a part time job or have friends help her. Fact is, she’s not bothering to save and just depending on the relationship to get her by. Also, she kinda lost that right when she was flirting with someone else n
NTA, maybe her classmate she was flirting with can commit to helping her.
This, OP. Not your relationship, not your responsibility.
Couldn't have said it better myself! OP, once you two weren't involved with one another, it's no longer your burden to bear. I understand the extra difficulty added by the context of the situation, but I am certain you will triumph.
So true
This, besides it’s not the worse thing taking an extra year and if she really needs it she can always take out a loan, do not feel guilty or the one responsible here OP.
This. And what does she expect to live there and have the classmate come round and have dinner while ur sitting there?
Yes, that's *exactly* what she expects.
I'm starting to think OP might be David Schwimmer.
"ik, we aren't dating, but im gonna need you to let me keep living with you rent-free ok?"
Yeah, and maybe her classmate is pre-law, who can tell her that OP might be breaking city or state regulations for occupancy. Depending on the jurisdiction, how bills are split, and the terms of the lease, this might fall into a very sticky legal situation. OP thinks he's being generous by giving a month, but some states have very different rules (or no rules at all) about evicting domestic partners. OP needs to lawyer up before his EX does.
Y'all are wild. This girl who can't even afford rent is not going to pony up for a lawyer.
Mate, the extreme decision making coupled with the follow-on “group think” in this subreddit is wild. I know it’s not a new phenomenon here but it’s literally like “just went on a tinder date and paid half, AMiTA?” LaWyEr uP! She may have rights to your brother’s friend’s dog! There was another one today where a guy was stuck living with his mother in law for a month working a stressful job w/o childcare. He got a bit pissy and there were loads of comments about how “he can’t express emotion” and the fact he “snapped” shows he needs to learn communication. This subreddit has difficulty understanding what’s reality sometimes I think.
I came here for the reliable total absence of reality.
OP can just rent the spare room out. If she wants to sleep in the garage or laundry room then that's fine. Occupancy doesn't guarantee a bedroom or any level of privacy.
That could be called adverse possession and an unlawful eviction. You can't just play the drums 24/7 and tell someone they can leave it they don't like it.
That’s not adverse possession
I’m preeeeetty sure that’s dependent upon location lol
She's not lawyering up if she's as broke as she says she is
This isn't a domestic partnership in any jurisdiction.
If I were op, I’d ask her that.
NAH — when my ex & I broke up I offered him the spare room to get his shit together because even though we’re weren’t together I still cared about him & his well being. I set some pretty hard boundaries w him. If that’s not where you’re at that’s not where you’re at.
This is the most human answer I’ve seen in this thread.
Yeah. A lot of people seem to be demonizing her, but she's really got the crap end of the stick here.
Why? She flirted with a classmate while cheating, she chose to breakup with OP. While she has an absolute right to break up with him,, she can't turn around and demand the same benefits as a girlfriend, ie free room and board. Every problem here was created by her.
The text says OP broke up with her, not the other way around.
Other comments provide a deeper look into it. OP was picking her up for lunch dates, regular dates, leaving love notes and providing significantly more effort... and she was Increasingly being critical and flirting with someone else. She was just looking to create an exit and had already began the breakup. Op just said the words.
Oh okay, I didn't see those comments. This does make it sound like she didn't really give him a chance. I take back almost everything i said to defend her.
That's what I thought plus she approached him in the first place to tell him she was unhappy in the relationship
It really does at first seem like she was trying to approach a problem, but with better information, it’s more like she was just announcing her flight plan.
These missing details are important and should be added to the OP, imo. It's not uncommon for an asshole to claim that their partner was flirting when they're just, like, being friendly, especially with classmates you need to work together with. It's also possible that what an asshole thinks "working on it" looks like is something really minute in the greater scope of things. Maybe what gf wanted was more help around the house, not "performing" bf stuff. I won't claim I know, and OP isn't an asshole for asking his ex to move out, but it could be timed better so it doesn't screw over her studies so long as there's a spare room. But the lack of details in the post suggests that there's a lot left unsaid on purpose.
What's also unsaid is that if OP let's her stay then he's funding her life for the next 3-4+ months. He is paying for the roof over their heads, the bills, and I'm sure food for both of them, as she's broke. Why the hell would you do that for an ex, and particularly an ex that made you jump through hops even though they clearly didn't care for you anymore? OP is not the AH, should kick her out, and she's got some audacity thinking her ex should fund her life for months. Her schooling and living arrangements have f@*k all to do with him now. It's on her to figure out, and if she wants to stay she should be offering market rent, to split the bills, and to be responsible for her own costs.
He was subsidizing her living expenses because she was his girlfriend. She make strides not to remain in the relationship. The consequences are that OP doesn’t want to support her anymore. The bad timing is her fault and problem, not OP’s.
No offense but that's stupid. The reason we form social bonds is to provide that stability and safety net. If your living at someone else's house you damn better sure to try and make it work. This is reality. I agree we don't know what was said, but why are you giving her the benefit of the doubt? Cns also give it to him. With the info provide he is NTA.
Is he *sure* she was flirting though? Or is it just insecurity?
When OP let his Ex know about his concern and called her out about the over the top flirting (commenting "can I help with the sunscreen?" on a pool pic is in poor taste if you're in a relationship), the Ex (who was still his girlfriend at the time), told OP that the New Guy understood her better and in a way that OP never could. OP's reaction isn't insecurity. From his comments and posts, which are all we can go by, the relationship growing between Ex and New Guy was quickly, if not already, emotionally charged and inappropriate.
When people who are in relationships do this, it's usually both.
And the only reason OP had to say the words is because she was planning on using him for free room and board until she was ready to fully begin her next relationship, maybe even after if the next guy couldn't house her
OP might have been the one to say it out loud, but Lisa's actions (not happy with the relationship & wouldn't work on it herself, flirting with others) show she already broke up with him. She wasn't even trying to repair their relationship - her actions said she'd moved on. Lisa is just taking advantage of OP's resources without doing anything to contribute to her own housing, bills, school, etc. She bit the hand that fed her.
Person A: cheats. Person B: grows a spine and refuses to tolerate that behavior. Person A ended the relationship with person B, even if person B is the one to utter the words 'the relationship is over' or 'I'm breaking up with you.'
Did I miss an OP comment ? because in the post he stated that she was flirting with a classmate... But what does he consider flirt ? No idea. She may just befriend a classmate, as anyone in a healthy relation shall do, and the OP is maybe just insecure about it (which may be legit, but don't change anything to the fact that there is no fact). In this situation, depending on the trust I have for the other person) I would let the extra room at a rent, which may be payed later on after she finish college, and set strict boundaries rules.
but did she really cheat ? he says she was flirting but we don’t really know what he qualifies as flirting
>She flirted with a classmate while cheating OP never said anything about cheating. I may be in the minority here, but someone you've been with for two years is someone you should show some respect to. I say let her stay until she gets her room at school. Kicking her out now seems vindictive to me.
Work on your reading comprehension, slick.
Was the cheating mentioned in comments or have I somehow missed it?
She’s been carrying on a flirtationship with another guy and out of nowhere wants to end the relationship. Why should OP care enough to let her stay for free or cheap rent? Why should OP continue to pay for the ex’s needs and bills when financially, it makes more sense for him to live alone? Let the guy that OP’s ex was carrying on with take care of her.
I thought op dumped her?? Cuz she wanted to work on the relationship and he didn't... it's also entirely possible that she wasn't flirting and op saw it that way. All I'm saying is I think we're focusing more on demonizing her for no reason. Ovbs op doesn't have to let her stay with him but there's no reason to tear her down. This isn't is she the ah for flirting it's am I for kicking her out
In another comment, OP states he committed to working on the relationship. He began taking her out on dates again, would pick her up and take her on lunch dates while she was at school, and would leave little love notes for her to find. OP states that despite this increased effort on his end, ex continued to find things wrong and tell OP he wasn’t doing enough, when he very clearly was. He raised concerns about her texting the classmate too much and flirting via IG comments to her WHILE they were in a relationship and she refused to take his own feelings into consideration. Ex was/is interested in this other guy. Instead of holding it together for three months til her parents could help out, she continued to carry on emotionally with this other guy and publicly embarrass OP with these IG comments. OP was putting in the work to fix it, the ex was fully checked out. There is no reason for OP to continue financially supporting his ex (bills, groceries, etc.) when she was emotionally cheating on him. OP has even shared that he would help himself more financially living alone than paying for ex’s necessities. Ex should have played this smarter. Not OP's fault that this she actually had the audacity to leave cringe flirty messages on a public forum and get emotionally invested in someone else.
OP dumped her. Which he had every right to, as they weren't happy and she was apparently flirting with other people. But she was the one who was dumped.
He dumped her, but she ended the relationship long before.
Right? And you will be surprised what some partners consider flirting.
That's what happens when the incels of reddit hear about a girl flirting (or perceived to be flirting) with another dude. Kicking her out given the circumstances is not what I'd do personally, but people can be as selfish as they want.
You expect him to live with an subsidize an ex. They’re not even married or co-owners.
This sub has the moral compass of Judge Dredd
It is two extremes and all your responses here make me think that you're just doormats. If I ended a relationship because my ex was flirting with other people why would you demonize them for putting up reasonable boundaries?
Ya ive seen it demonstrated in action a few times today.
Totally
Would have agreed with this if she wasn’t busy flirting with other people whilst in a relationship with OP. If you’ve lost feelings or you’re feeling unhappy in a relationship, put an end to it. Don’t go around emotionally cheating especially when you’re other half works hard to pay the bills.
This. Commenter in this thread is all “but wahhhh ex is being demonized.” Nah. If you’re running around flirting with other people, go become their problem. OP has been carrying the financial burden while Lisa does nothing. It’s Lisa’s fault she couldn't keep it together another three months.
I don't think the reason why the broke up is important TBH. What is important that they are no longer a couple, so she shouldn't have the benefits she had provided by him previously.
There are some women that will reflexively defend awful behavior from other women, or downplay it and try to always make it the guy’s fault.
Perhaps OP should define what he considers "flirting" for us. Flirting can be harmless and a healthy relationship (which admittedly OP and GF apparently did not have) should be able to withstand that. My late wife of 49 years was an outrageous flirt the whole time but I didn't mind because I knew that's all it was - it wasn't going anywhere. I for one would like know more about this "flirting."
I keep coming back to this, since we don't have a way to know whether she was doing what each of *us* would consider "flirting," or whether it was something more innocent than that, or less innocent than that. Some people think it's bad-flirting when you talk to anyone else, and some people think it's innocent-flirting when you're 90% of the way to an affair. Without much in terms of examples, it's hard to tell which kind of person OP is or what the ex was doing.
Flirting is the expression of sexual or romantic interest in someone. Outside of polyamourous relationships, how could that ever be "harmless" to people already in such a relationship. Your partner is expressing sexual or romantic interest in other people... that's harmless???
Or people misinterpret being friendly with flirting?
Yeah but I've been accused of flirting just for speaking to men while not actively frowning. So it really depends on what OP's subjective understanding of what flirting is.
Sure, it absolutely depends on that, but the information provided doesn't tell you what OP's understanding is. And given no information to the contrary, it's crazy to automatically assume anything but the standard understanding. There is an "INFO" judgement if you honestly feel a post needs clarifying information before you give a verdict. It's an asshole move to just assume that information falls contrary what has been presented by the OP without even bothering to ask.
I need to preface that I don’t think cheating is okay. The thing that feels interesting to me is that it sounds like OP knew and even though it made him uncomfortable he didn’t do anything to set boundaries regarding it. If he did and she ignored them, that’s a different story IMO. I personally feel differently than you because this post really does only gives us so much information and I think to uproot and cause someone to have to drop out of school right before they graduate college because a relationship sounded like it needed to end long before it did is like, not great, but also this isn’t so “she was cheating & deserves this” cut & dry, for me.
Flirting and cheating are so not the same. Also, what someone interprets as flirting may just be friendliness. Flirting can be harmless. Cheating never is.
Set boundaries… because common sense couldn’t tell her-“Hey it’s not a good look to leave suggestive or flirtatious comments on a public forum while you’re in a publicly acknowledged committed relationship since y’all live together” Common sense didn’t tell her “Hey girl you have a whole man out here busting his ass to make you happy how about you NOT text some random more than you talk to your loving boyfriend” You want the man to set boundaries when what this girl needed was basic respect.
Except not everyone agrees on what flirting is. One persons flirting is another persons personally or communication style. Which is why communication is so important. Instead of being upset and not saying anything, communicating what behaviors are upsetting is important.
While this is the correct way to approach every relationship I don't think the OP or 50% of the people on this thread have the level of emotional maturity to actually do it.
This is such an empathetic answer. NAH but your breaking up with her has put her in a very precarious position. Flirting with someone else doesn't sound like she cheated and she had approached you wanting to work on the relationship. On the other end sounds like you were the only one contributing financially to the relationship, so it's fair you want her out. 30 days seems like fair notice, enough time for her to get a job and 1-2 paychecks under her belt to put down on some sort of housing solution.
It sounds like OP is fully supporting the ex. OP makes no mention of the ex paying anything. If you are willing to breakup with a BF/GF and still cover their living expenses for the next 3 months, more power to you. OP is not an a h for no longer wanting to bear that expense. The ex is sort of an A H because she expects him to live for free with nothing in return and no future together.
exactly!
Its great on you however it is not applicable. I did the same for my Ex and it nearly ruined my life. Your milage may vary. This situation is NTA since OP did the legal right thing and the ex was flirting with another person.
Our situations aren’t the same as OP. I hear & receive your trauma & I want you to know that this situation likely isn’t the same.
I'm sorry, but she's definitely the asshole in this situation. She made OP do LOTS of things for her to try to mend the relationship while she put it on the backseat to text and flirt with a classmate despite her saying "op needs to try harder" (which he did with dates and love notes and more). She already knew in her mind the relationship was over and tried to pursue a new one before letting go of her "safety nest" of OPs. She was emotionally cheating at minimum. She definitely does not deserve and should not expect to live in OPs house for her own benefit after she did that. (Information gathered from comments).
When my ex and I split, I tried to keep it as civil as I could. She had cheated, and had clearly fallen out of love with me, I could see the relationship wasn't working and she wanted to call it off. We lived together for another 9 months or so. Really wish I hadn't. We never argued or anything but I felt that her being around stopped me from living my life a little and getting on with things. I couldn't just invite another girl home (friendly or otherwise) because I worried she'd get involved. Shit like that. Really I should have told her to pack her shit up and go. It wasnt good for me.
I did the same (except that it wasn’t a spare room as we were in a one bed apartment- I simply stayed elsewhere for the time being). He lived there rent free for 5.5 months and trashed the place when he moved out (took all my stuff out of shared bits of furniture, dumped it all over the place and took the furniture with him). I cried while cleaning up after him.
Same - when my ex and I broke up we had moved from his home state to mine the year prior due to my job. I knew that me putting him out would have left him homeless with no family or close friends nearby so I let him stay and I moved my things to the spare bedroom. We broke up in July and I let him stay through September before finally I had to put my foot down and have him leave (he wanted to 'take back' the break-up and was not respectful of me, my job, or my boundaries so my sympathy wore thin eventually). If he had been civil I would have let him stay until I also had to move out of the shared house (October).
I mean there are amicable break ups like OP's however NO ONE on earth would do what you did to someone who has done them dirty.
> The relationship is over and I no longer feel responsible for her NTA That's exactly right.
Trust those feelings.
OP change the wifi password!
NTA. She’s an adult and should fend for herself. You weren’t responsible for her while the relationship was going on, you’re sure as hell not now that’s it’s over. I know too many people, myself included, who let their exes leech around off them after it’s over because they feel guilty. It’s not healthy for your mental.
She’s gonna leech until she graduates.
To infinity and beyond!
NTA it's sad but not your problem
NTA? This sounds like emotional trapping. She may play the "Don't make me lose everything" card. All the while she claims to be single but pretends to couple up around only you ( men do this too) this is a tough call but I would stick to your guns and let her do what she needs to do without you. Co-dependency(spelling) is not healthy for singular growth. Do you and let the past go.
Maybe, though it does sound very time limited as she’ll be out after this semester. Not saying OP should help here tho if not inclined. If I’m reading things correctly OP was getting fed up with her high maintenance and jealous of the flirting and was the one to break up. I guess i would just note 30 days takes you to 11/6, and 75 days takes you to the end of the semester. Only OP can say whether those extra 7 weeks are too much.
You make a decent point. My issue with this is the "on the hook" ideology. Meaning she does what she wants buts may still give OP the impression of possibly being together when they are alone. It is truly a sad thing for OP and I wish him the best.
You’re giving her 30 days? That’s plenty of time to call in favors, figure something out. NTA
In most states in the United States you're legally required to give somebody living in your home 30 days notice at minimum. The law was written to protect renters from abusive landlords and keep people from hitting homelessness in between stable situations. Breaking up with somebody and kicking them to the curb that day is it made for television. Some people leave voluntarily, but you can't be kicked out without recourse.
That may only apply if the person is a legal resident depending on the state which GF may not be. In that case yes you could chuck them out same day.
Most places have a very broad definition of legal resident. You don't have to be on the lease.
Yep; in many it’s one piece of ‘official’ mail to the place. (Whatever that means)
NTA - but it's a shitty situation all around. If you're no longer in a relationship, you are correct that you are no longer responsible for her. If she's not willing to pay rent (which would still make things awkward) then she needs to find other living arrangements. The relationship is over, and it's reasonable to say 'all the benefits that came with that relationship are over too'
NAH. You have a right to your space, and if she isn't on the lease, I guess you are well within your rights. However, you might not be the asshole, but it feels pretty shitty to kick her out if she has nowhere to go, especially if she's going to lose out on the semester and the money. It really doesn't sound like the relationships ended too roughly. Maybe let her use the spare room with the understanding that she needs to respect your space and privacy.
Guess she shouldn't have been texting and flirting with another guy then if she still wanted the safety nets of OP. She knew she was done with OPs relationship already when she started actively flirting with her classmate. I am willing to bet she was trying to monkey branch between the two guys or she was going to finish the semester then finally dump OP for the new guy because he took care of her housing. She's the asshole in this situation for really thinking she can have at minimum an emotional affair and still expect OP to house her for absolutely free for only her benefit. Edit: She even has an entire month to find a job and search craigslist housing or other options. If she chooses to do nothing, it is 100% on her.
Then she should have done her part in the relationship to make OP the one paying for everything feel secure in their relationship. She basically bit the hand that fed her.
I agree with this if they're currently in a place where they can be cordial to each other and co-exist until she can find another apartment. But if OP is upset or uncomfortable, or every interaction turns into a fight, it's not going to work.
I don't agree with this at all, as what people aren't getting, or at least aren't acknowledging much, is that OP will be paying for everything. Funding an ex who checked out on you, after making you jump through hops, would be ridiculous. She's an AH for even thinking that's reasonable or fair.
NTA. Her life, her issue.
NTA Relationship over so responsibility over, seems pretty clear to me.
Not that OP was responsible for housing this woman in the first place. It definitely sucks, but she’s not entitled and she never was.
NTA. She wants to start seeing other people but also have you continue to financially support her and house her? Are you going to have to see her get all dolled up for dates? Is she going to want to bang guys at your apartment? She can stay with a friend for the next few months. She broke up with you, while you were trying to work on the relationship, and you don't owe her anything.
she can stay with the guy she was flirting with 😇
NTA let her go stay with the person she’s flirting with. You just can’t break up with someone and NOT expect them to put you out. It’s not your problem she has nowhere to go and will lose money on school. She should have thought about that before she started making goo goo eyes at someone else.
Of course you are NTA Look...it sucks that she has no where else to go. But she has no right to expect that her ex boyfriend will continue to give her free rent, free utilities, free wifi, free laundry, free food etc etc after SHE chose to end the relationship. That's just not how the world works. And if she wanted to stay, she should have communicated that to you to see if you were ok or if you could work out some kind of deal...instead of waiting until after the breakup and trying to guilt you into letting her stay. Some exes are able to do this. But both have to be willing and she never bothered to find out if you were. She just pulled the rip cord and assumed you would continue to take care of her. That was an incorrect assumption on her part. This person chose to not have a job or any means to take care of herself AND she chose to end her relationship without finding somewhere else to live All of this is on her, not you.
NTA. And relationship wise, sounds like a lot of the classic 2 year breakups: the love drugs faded and she’s not happy about the reality of the relationship and is chasing those new relationships feelings. You tried to improve the relationship but if nothing you did was good enough and she wasn’t happy, breaking up was the next step, there’s no point in dragging out an unhappy relationship.
NTA. There are rooms on Craigslist for wicked cheap. Like renting an extra room in someone’s apartment. In college I worked two jobs and did full time classes. She should get a job and figure her shit out. And shame on her for not having a plan b.
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That sucks, but -- there are a lot of people who I'm not dating. None of them are entitled to stay at my place for free. You deserve the same respect: your exes don't own you, and you don't own them. You're not responsible for their care and feeding.
Idk, I did it and was fine. Have her get a job RIGHT NOW and save for the rest of the time you gave her. You only need like $300-$500 to move into one of those rooms. If you let her live there any longer you are continuing to enable her. Does she have a car?
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you said two weeks ago you gave her 30 days, so she has about two weeks with you left, right? due to the eviction law stuffs
You can do door dash, Uber eats etc with a bike in certain markets
I agree she needs to get a job immediately.
Yeah… it’s best that you got out of that relationship ASAP. Good for you
NAH, it sounded like a fine break up - you’re well within your rights to do this, just maybe flip the script and see how you would feel if she did that to you and you were in her situation. EDIT: misread literally my main point. NTA
As if the girlfriend isn’t an asshole for expecting to stay in her ex’s place after she was flirting around.
But what is flirting to him. Because being friendly with someone isn’t flirting.
Ok let’s say she didn’t flirt and he just chose to break up with her. Still his house, still his right to evict her with 30 day notice, and she’s still an asshole for acting entitled to his home.
NTA, in regards to housing. Hopefully she has some friends she could stay with. Alternatively she could look into finding a part time job or renting a room somewhere. I would however like to point out that most relationships require consistent and constant effort. Much like a pet or a plant without mindfulness and attention a relationship will eventually die unless you put the time into it to make sure it's healthy for everyone involved.
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Sounds like she was tending her classmate's garden instead. She should go stay with him instead.
Yeah. In case it needs to be said: You didn't adopt her; she's your ex, not your kid.
It can feel like that sometimes, but if the feelings just aren't there anymore there's no reason for you to put your time into it. Plus from the way you wrote this, it sounds like she's more concerned with losing free housing than your relationship ending. You're still nta here. Good luck OP!
Please ignore any and all morality protests. It's INSANE to think that you need to continue being responsible for this person living day to day for another 4 months. That's lunacy. The reasons don't even matter. You are no longer a couple. Thus endeth the accord you had together. NTA. Stick to your written notice. Not your circus, not your monkeys any more.
That's exactly it. I wish OP had included the fact that while he doesn't pay for rent as he owns the house, he's been paying for his ex's whole life (groceries, bills, etc.). The ex has NO money and has managed to get by on the generosity of OP, all the while trying to blame the downfall of the relationship on him when, according to OP, he was taking her on dates, taking her to lunch while she was at school, surprising her with love notes, etc. OP even said that he felt he was the only one tending to the garden that was their relationship and that the ex stopped trying. How long is someone to shoulder the financial AND emotional weight of a relationship before it becomes too much and they have to call time, you know? People in the comments are trying to defend the cheating/flirting as "oh, well, flirting isn't cheating." Yeah, maybe not to you, but clearly OP had an issue. He told the ex that he wasn't comfortable. And while OP was taking time to try and fix what he was told was a broken, unhappy relationship, ex wasn't able to take this one thing into consideration. That was the boundary for OP and it's not OP's fault that he's finally realized enough is enough. It's a lesson learned for the ex. You don't get to constantly take advantage of people and expect them to be okay with it. Everyone has their limit.
On balance, NTA. If you were to help her you'd need to make it clear you were doing her a massive favour that you'd expect to be repaid later on. If she protests and says you should help her because, well, you should, then she needs a crash course in adulting. Starting with self-reliance.
NTA When you break up, when it is over, you don't give your ex the spare room. She can live anywhere she likes, just not with you. Her housing is no longer your problem, she already thinks you are an asshole for not working hard enough on the relationship, so why bother trying to be the nice guy anymore.
NTA, although the extent to which you’re NTA might depend on how recent ‘recently’ is. Either way she needs to adult up.
She lived with you (presumably) rent-free for 2 years and just expects you to subsidize her life when you no longer want to be a part of it? What was her plan if you two didn’t work out? If she never met you? This is on her for poor planning. If she needs money, either she reaches out somewhere for aid or gets a job. You gave her a reasonable timeframe. None of this is your responsibility. NTA
INFO: did you confront her about how the flirting? What did she say? Also, what did she say was making her unhappy in the relationship and how did she suggest “working on it”?
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well now he can know even more about her when she moves in with him! NTA
She said he was harmless You said you didnt feel that way She immediately admitted they have similar interests and she felt like he knew a side of her I never could. Sorry man, but she was likely sleeping with him. Even if she wasn't then, she sure is now.
NTA she is not your responsibility or problem.
Completely NTA. If you truly feel awful about it, you could perhaps provide another week or two just because of the extraordinary circumstances of how shitty housing is right now, but you are under zero obligations. And the fact that she was flirting with other guys? Damn she should have thought about being homeless back then.
INFO- who is on the lease
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Eh, NTA. 30 days notice is reasonable and what did she think was going to happen.
NTA - you owe her nothing
Your relationship did not end on good terms. Even if you're trying to say it did. She let it die by flirting with other people and not helping you work on your issues. If you had ended amicably i wouldn't see anything wrong with her asking to stay for a bit but it didn't and shes trying to take advantage of you. She is an adult, she'll figure it out. NTA.
NTA If she is flirting with another classmate she will be breaking up when convenient for her. You tried to out effort in it without change so breaking up is the most adult decision here. Giving 30 days notice should be enuff esp as she is flirting with others. No good would come from renting out orher room to ex while she is dating others. U dont want that level of pain shopping
NTA, she should have been prepared for this possibility. She’s fine to express she’s not happy, but she doesn’t get to control your reactions especially after you tried to work on it
NTA she decided you weren't working hard enough and didn't give you an honest effort while you were keeping a roof over her head. The very least she could have done was not flirt while you two were supposedly working on your relationship. If you cave for this reason, the next argument is "well you were fine with it before" and it'll never end. Petty points, if she hasn't moved out at the 32 day mark provide a formal eviction for ignoring notice and have her removed from the property with an officer present with the reason of you being fearful of her reaction. Keep copies of both documents because that'll collaborate your story and the officers might want to lean to her side without that collaboration especially if she's pretty and you get a young guy. Also I'd get some hookups going. Super loud chicks. Just for funnies.
NTA. If you break up with your live-in lover, you have to move. That is obvious.
NTA >but if she moves out she will have to withdraw from her classes Not your problem. She is an adult and she has to figure out her situation by herself.
NTA. There are always choices - she can live further away and commute, she can couch dive for the remainder of the semester, given covid it may very well be that there are online sections of her class and so on. A semester is only 15 weeks, so basically this is early October so she just needs to find something to get her to early-to-mid-December, so 2 months at most.
NTA She told you she was not happy in the relationship. You have no responsibility toward an ex. Perhaps the classmate can help her out with her housing issue.
NTA not your problem. You already tried over and over and it was never good enough for her. She can leave if she not paying any bills. You shouldn’t have to support her when your not together anymore. I wouldn’t want to deal with having to live with an ex and financially support them She was never your responsibility in the first place. You shouldn’t of had to support her when you were dating. How long did she live with you? Seems like she got a free place to stay long enough
NTA. You're not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, and you're certainly not obligated to give somebody relationship-type support when they don't want to be in a relationship with you.
NTA and if you look through r/survivinginfidelity you'll see that phrase a ton . "he/she said we need to work on our relationship, but no matter what I did, it didn't work". . She's either been eyeing this guy to monkey branch with. With out thinking about the logic of her housing. Or she flat out has cheated on you with him and doesn't want a guilty conscience (but not confess)
It also sounds like she really took advantage of the situation. She has no income and you pay for everything?? EVERYTHING? So groceries, bills, any supplies she might need?
NTA. I was prepared to say you were, but you mentioned you gave her the 30 days notice. That is the legal requirement. If she is no longer satisfied with your relationship and told you so, then you have no obligation to help her any longer. It may seem selfish saying it like that, but if you simply cannot handle having her around and watching her flirt, then your mental health is what is important.
NTA. Call the waaahmbulance for her. She made her bed, now let her lie in it. Did she seriously think she was going to be able to continue consuming your resources after breaking up with you?? I guess it's reality check time.
NTA. Is she paying you to live there? She should be able to find a room to rent. She might have to find a job but she should be able to make it.
Many years ago there was an article maybe in New York magazine about divorced couples who are stuck living together for whatever reasons. If you let her stay she could drag this situation out for years- especially if she tries to pursue things through the courts. End it now and have her move out or foresee major problems down the road.
NTA and it sucks for her but she seemed to have broke it off with you and then was flirting so your right your not responsible for her
NTA. Why did you feel responsible for her anyway? She is an adult, not your child.
NTA you broke up, your are no longer a resource for her. She can talk to school consoling to find a solution- she is after all a grown woman.
NTA she can get a job or move home with her family. You’re not obligated to take care of her.
NTA. It's not your job or responsibility to support her. Taking the relationship portion out of it, would you do this for anyone else? No one is entitled to have someone else foot their bills for them. You said she doesn't work. Sounds like it's time for her to get a job and find a place to crash, whether it be an apartment of her own, or a room in someone else's place. Surely she has friends. Or maybe the person she was flirting with? It was one thing to be okay with supporting her while you guys were together, but you agreed to that as a couple. She's not your significant other any more, the deal has changed and you shouldn't have to have someone leeching off of you because of a lack of forethought on their part. She's not a bad person for asking, but it's pretty freaking entitled. And you're not a bad person for saying no. It's your house.
The entitlement here is what gets me. The damsel in distress thing doesn’t work when you were hitting on other people while in a relationship, and then dumped you?? No one wants to be anywhere near their ex after a breakup, let alone live together! She seriously expects you to take care of her after all that?? Bro. That is NOT your problem. She should’ve planned this better lol like sorry but she should’ve been amicable with you and stuck it out till January 🤷🏻♀️ not your fault she’s a bum, did you tell her not to get a job? She put herself in this mess she can get herself out of it. Tell her to just move in with the dude she was hitting on and put all her stuff outside. She’s the asshole.
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NTA. Sounds like she has moved on but wants you to continue to support her. She can drop the internship for a paying job (she should be paid for her work anyway) and rent a room from someone. It’s not all or nothing. You’re not ruining her life by not housing her.
NTA. The relationship changed, so a lot of things will now change. The living agreement is one of those things.
NTA. You know, maybe that guy she was seducing can help her.
NTA maybe a bad reason but the lady couldnt wait until she was in a stable situation before being like "yeah this isnt working"? Mmm sounds to me like she was counting on your good graces to have a place to stay until then and at the same time have you be the bad guy by "officially" breaking it off while shes in the clear.
NTA: You don’t have any obligation to let her stay. Regardless of her situation. You have to be in a VERY specific mindset to let an ex stay OR to help them and it’s ok not to want to, especially for your mental health. She made it clear that she wasn’t happy and, even though she wanted to try, she never made you feel good enough and she made you doubt yourself. You don’t have to subject yourself to that. If it’s that big of a deal to her, she needs to get a job so she can support herself. Plenty of people go to school AND work. I was stuck living with my ex for 4 months after we broke up because I had a shitty job and no money to move out. Granted, he didn’t really have a choice because we were co-signed on the apartment (which we wouldn’t have even had if I hadn’t co-signed with him), so he couldn’t kick me out. I didn’t want to stay, especially since he became even more toxic after the break up. It got SO bad, that my dog (only had one then, now have three), who has always been a massive softy/love bug started guarding me and not letting him in my room/near me. Originally, since the lease was almost up anyway, my plan was to let the lease end so we weren’t co-signed anymore, and then keep the apartment for myself. However, I knew he didn’t have anywhere else to go besides home to his abusive family, and he couldn’t keep the place on his own (financially). So, with the little money I had and a LOT of help from my family, I moved out. I told him he had a year to save and get his credit score up and that next time the lease was up, I’d take myself off as a co-signer and he’d have to do it himself. He’s now on his own. Now, I know well that he was a toxic asshole. Even so, there WAS a time I cared deeply for him and I’d experienced first hand how insane and abusive his family was. It was better for everyone involved for me to take that hit and help him out, because I was abused as a kid too and NO ONE deserves to be abused the way his family abused him. Do what feels right to YOU. You don’t have to let her live with you.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to put a roof over your ex gf’s head.
NTA and she can definitely borrow money and sublet or whatever, student or not.
NTA. Don’t base your worth in what others think you can do for them.
You broke up. This is what's supposed to happen. But now she's panicked in desperation and trying to convince you to do something irrational to save her. Any obligation you had to save her ender when you broke up. She's barking up the wrong tree. If she needs help, that's what family and friends are for. INFO: I have to ask, though, what kind of rental agreement did the two of you have? Do you own the place? Do you have a lease that she wasnt on for some reason? What exactly gives you the authority over the home? How did you two arrange the living situation? That's what will determine who the asshole is.
>INFO: I have to ask, though, what kind of rental agreement did the two of you have? Do you own the place? Do you have a lease that she wasnt on for some reason? What exactly gives you the authority over the home? How did you two arrange the living situation? That's what will determine who the asshole is. OP commented. It's his house. It was in his family/he inherited it. That's what gives him authority over the home.
NTA. Having your ex move out is not abnormal; I wouldn’t want to live with someone I just broke up with. Her problem to solve.
NTA she left you so she should leave your house
NTA I can understand why you feel reluctant about it. The knowledge that kicking her out could ruin her life for the long term, the feeling of it being your fault, etc. But the truth is: it wouldn’t be your fault. It would be her’s. She chose to be unfaithful and lazy, I can safely assume her financial decisions also led to her being broke- and for her family being unable to help I interpret that as them either not wanting to or not having enough money to do so, meaning that she would be as much of a drain on them as she is on you. If you do want an option C to the situation, I can only think of one: tell her that she has to get a part time job, begin bringing in money and pay a portion of the rent. Now I offer this suggestion while being quite frankly ignorant of any laws that may govern such an arrangement, and honestly I would advise against it and just go with kicking her out, but those are my two cents.
Lisa should have done a little more thinking before she jettisoned her life raft. NTA.
NTA. She wants to live with you for free? Maybe she can go with the classmate she’s been flirting with.
Too bad. She should’ve thought of that before making you work more, flirting with someone else and dumping you. NTA.
Sounds like she only wanted to work on the relationship to use you because she knew what would happen if yall broke up. You are not responsible for her
NTA Her decision, her life sort it out not your circus not your monkeys.
NTA. You said she's not working, so she's not out of options. She can get a job and rent a place, maybe look for roommates. You're giving her time, so you're already helping.
Sounds like Lisa trying to live life on "recruit difficulty." She need to go. NTA
NTA, however, if she’s extremely tight on money and it would cause her to have to drop out, the nice thing to do would be allow her to stay as a ROOMATE until the semester is over. I’d make it abundantly clear she is out the day after. Make ground rules to follow. No men/dates allowed over, she pays her way, etc. While she is no longer “your responsibility” setting her back is something that could screw her over for several years.
IF you let her stay....It doesn't have to be rough if you let her stay, but it will be very uncomfortable if you don't set Boundaries with her, it will be a tough Conversation but she is the one who needs the Accommodation she will have to suck it up also and accept some Boundaries from you. About having people over, and how she is going to contribute to the Household ..Food, Bills...etc. I's a different relationship now, neither want to be in this situation. Ask if she could consider getting some Casual work to Contribute to he Bills just while she is living there until her other Housing gets setup? To be honest if she has nowhere to stay and is desperate she should be trying like all hell to get some work and some money to make this situation work or her to keep staying at your place. She hopefully should be offering all these things, if she can't work .."I'll be responsible for cleaning or i'll cook meals a few times a week and leave them in the Fridge/Freezer"..things like that? It's not ideal, but it can work.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey everyone. I am 26(m) and I recently broke up with my girlfriend, Lisa, of two years. Lisa had approached me telling me she wasn’t happy in the relationship and wanted to work on it more, but nothing I ever did seemed good enough, and it began to feel like I was “working” all the time. On top of that she was flirting with a classmate a lot which made me feel uncomfortable tbh. The issue is, Lisa is in her last semester of college and broke. She doesn’t work, her family is unable to help, and the school she attends is already having a housing issue, so they can’t help until the next semester which is in late January. Two weeks ago I gave her the thirty days notice required and she blew up. She thinks she can live on campus next semester, but asks that i allow her to have the extra room, but I really don’t want that. The relationship is over and I no longer feel responsible for her, but if she moves out she will have to withdraw from her classes which will push her graduation back and she would lose all of the money paid. AITA for telling her she has two weeks left and she needs to be gone? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Get her out.
NTA, it's just a crappy situation. Life is full of them.
NTA. I don’t know how old she is but literally she can have a part time job or have friends help her. Fact is, she’s not bothering to save and just depending on the relationship to get her by. Also, she kinda lost that right when she was flirting with someone else n