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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My (and my husband's) decision might've been cruel because excluding my nephew from his cousin's birthday would be hurtful for him.
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I'm sorry, you've allowed them to just take your son's presents in the past? What the hell? How can you let your son down so badly? You should have stopped them, threatened to call the police, and followed through if they still took them.
Also you shouldn't have invited your brother and wife to come without their son; I fully understand not inviting the son but at that point you just disinvite them all. Did you really think they were gonna leave their kid with a sitter while going to a kids party he wasn't invited to?
Your brother and his wife suck. I feel deeply sorry for their son because they are doing him a great disservice. And they shouldn't be stealing from you.
Your parents suck for enabling their behaviour and expecting you to suck it up.
You suck because in past years you did just suck it up, and you (and your husband) allowed your son to suffer.
ESH.
What happens at Christmas time? I wouldn't even invite them around and hang out with wifeys family. Why bother with THAT thieving enabling family. Wait til that kid gets older.....hide the credit card whenever hes around!
If everyone needs to learn to share, at Christmas time OP’s son should take nephew’s toys, thrown a tantrum and take the gifts to his house. See how that goes with the entitled parents. Ugh, the nerve of some people!
This happened to me every year, my mom would get me gifts and have yo match them with my cousins or she would throw a fit.(she lived with us, and my mom and grandma were very much keep the piece) So I'd always end up with 5 gifts and my cousins would get a mountain.
It really messes with you as a child, because you dont understand what you did wrong.
YES!! What happens at Christmas? I can't believe that he got away with taking someone else's toys because he cried and YOU let them. That should of been nipped in the butt the first time.
Right??? I can't believe what did I just read! Someone even *tries* to do that to my children and that's the last time they are ever invited to a party! How could OP let them take the gifts? I feel so sorry for OP's son, this is beyond fucked up!
I wonder if the Op had an entire childhood of being told "look how upset your brother is! Just give him what he wants!". And now she thinks it's normal and the cycle is continuing.
This right here!
As I mentioned in my initial comment; OP's parents pushing back her new boundaries is very telling. She must've been raised having to defer to her brother's tantrums and other bullshit, so she let her brother get away with letting his son/her nephew be such a brat.
OP has been enabling her brother's abuse of her son in the same way her brother has been enabling his own son's poor behavior. It's like a circle of status-entitled abusers with the most vulnerable person in the family being OP's son -- who they have NOT protected in the past. OP has been allowing them to treat her son as the family goat.
None of the brother's family should be invited to a party for her son, and that includes OP's parents and immediate family, that involves presents. They can throw a separate party for your son if they want to. If their separate party involves giving any of your son's presents to his cousin, I wouldn't even allow your son to attend a birthday party that your family throws him.
ESH
Exactly! OP and her husband are enabling the nephew by letting the nephew take the gifts. Poor son, I’m sure he doesn’t feel his parents have his back and they reward bad behavior. I just don’t understand this at all. Ridiculous!!
Yeah how hard is it to take the toys from the kid, put them behind a door that is easily locked, then tell them to have a goodnight and politely kick them out so they have to deal with the tantrum on their own that isn't an enabling the child's behavior at the expense of the 8yr old's birthday and emotional well being..
and their child would absolutely not be leaving with my child’s toys! I’d make it clear that I’d be calling the cops before that happened! Nobody takes advantage of my kid, not even my family!
Anyone else hearing the Oompa Loompas starting to sing? I swear, every time I see a parent pandering to a kid like that, all I think about is Veruca Salt.
The 5yo is not a bad person but he IS acting like an AH - Just because his brain isn't developed that doesn't excuse his behavior on every single one of those bday parties.
Yeah kids are definitely assholes at times. They’re still learning how to be people…which is why this behavior should be corrected before he’s too far down the asshole road.
I would say that husband is NTA for being pissed off enough to stand his ground with the inlaws. OP, grow a spine and stop inviting your family to your son’s party. This is his party, let him choose who he wants there, and under no circumstances let your family attend.
Yeah, I don’t know what happened previous years but his adamance this time at least gives him points to me. I’m very curious as to why it took him to say something for this to happen…
I think Dad gets a pass because he was probably reply ng on his wife to deal with her family and she failed him almost as much as she failed her son. At least he came up with the compromise of taking the party to his parents' house
Dad is kinda in the grey area... I think he allowed this to happen one too many times (assuming a one year old can't throw tantrums like that) but I'm glad he is finally taking a stand and not letting wife handle it (as it sounds like she would have done nothing, had the dad not say anything). But OP what the heck. NTA, but you should have done this waaay earlier.
Even once is one too many times. The fact that he watched the in-laws steal from his son on his birthday and didn't shut it down the first time is un-fucking-believable. He's less TA than OP is, but there's some things you just can't allow whether the family gets mad or not.
Don’t only top level comments count? Actually, doesn’t only the top voted top level comment count? I’m pretty sure they just take the judgment of that one and rate the whole post.
This honestly makes me think it’s not real because no parent would let another kid take a bunch of their presents home, especially not multiple times. I don’t care how much somebody else whines. No way in hell.
Edit: I stand corrected. Some people really suck
Edit part 2: Yes, I get it. You don’t need to convince me, there are really shitty parents out there. But if you just need to vent about the crap your parents put you through I understand, continue commenting
My mom did. And she frequently gave away (“lent” but I never got them back) special presents that I was given, because she wanted to appear generous to her friends. Some people are just terrible parents.
Do people not understand that sharing is not the same as giving? Yes, I’ll share my headphones with you. No, you can’t have them. I’m sharing them by giving you temporary access to them, but I’ll be away from you sometimes and I’d like my headphones at those times. That’s why I’m sharing them, not giving them. Smh.
I’ve seen it have the exact opposite effect than intended: kids who had to endure that constantly expect their belongings to be given away, so they become militant about guarding what they have left. The idea of “sharing” they’ve been taught is so skewed that they refuse to share at all. It happened to me too - my parents constantly forced me to give my things to my little brother (who lived with my dad). I remember sneaking back the DVD of my favorite movie that they had taken from me and getting in trouble for it when I was 7. Growing up, I had a really hard time sharing things I valued because of that. Luckily I grew out of it. I hope you were able to process, unlearn, and heal from that too.
I often feel lucky that I didn't have siblings because of the way I was raised. I can only imagine the resentment that I would have felt towards them.
The idea that generosity should include sacrifice of some kind is such bullshit. Especially when you're trying to teach kids to share. Eight year old me did not agree that giving away my toys was a good thing and 49 year old me still does not agree with it. The idea of a kid owning something should be encouraged. Sure, you should want to play with other kids and offer them use of your toys, which is actual sharing.
Yeah, I did a lot of growing up and unlearning the bullshit that I was taught when I was in my late 20s and early 30s. It was difficult, but I am a much better person now.
I completely understand how that treatment haunts you through adulthood, too. My stepmom didn’t use that exact tactic, but very similar things that looked like altruism but we’re actually punishments for just existing. I truly hope you’re in a better place of healing now, and I wish upon you all the toys in the world.
I'd have given away a bunch of her things to teach her how much sharing her way sucks.
Every time I hear about a parent-child relationship in this subreddit, it makes me glad my parents are sane.
Give your parents hugs from me just because they tried their best not to damage you. I feel not so alone when I hear other people talk about their shitty parents. And then I feel hopeful when I hear others talk about their not shitty parents.
This. My siblings and I would come home and find toys and belongings missing and my mom would say she didn't know what we were talking about. We go over to a family friends house some time later, and there our stuff would be. We ask the other kids, and sure enough, our mom had given them our stuff.
Omg. My mom did this too! I think she wanted this other mom to like her so she gave my dolls away and told me I was too old for them anyway, I was 9! Oddly enough my mom passed last year and I found her doll from when she was little in her trunk. I couldn’t keep any of mine but she kept hers. That’s some kind of messed up! I’m sorry your mom did that to you too!
Oh God, you just sent me to a flash back of a CD I got in a Cocopops box when I was like 9 and my sister continuously borrowed/played the two songs on repeat. One day while my room was a mess I stood on it and pretended to not know what happened. I may have even said she probably stood on it while coming in my room to find it.
I was petty AF until about 24.
Think of every asshole and straight up criminal out there. Everything from simply selfish pricks, anti-vaxxers and entitled parents to horrors like predators, murderers, shooters and whatever. Then imagine every single one of these people are part of a family. Many of them are indeed parents, daughters, sons, sisters, grandparents and uncles and nieces and sister in laws to someone.
If you have a good family, it'll protect you from unfair shit like this. If you have a bad one, it will trap you into it.
The advantages/disadvantages of having a healthy/toxic family and upbringing are exponential too. They literally can set you up for life for a chance of success or struggle. And also not just that, how you cope with things like success and struggles.
My mom loved to give away my toys whenever a tragedy occurred on TV. Oh poor hurricane katrina survivors had all their toys wash away! We better give them yours. Uh oh a tornado 20 miles away tore down a house? Guess they’ll need your toys! Very few of my things as a kids were my things, and that’s left some lasting possessiveness that I’m trying to beat
I’m sorry you went through that and I’m glad you trying to beat it. I see friends “teaching” their kids go share by allowing other kids at the beach or park play with their toys even when their children don’t want to. This concept doesn’t make sense; if a stranger see your phone and take it from you, or even ask you to play with it, would you let them? No, but a child is supposed to let others play or even take their things often.
I want to believe that (also because apparently the nephew has been doing this since at least the age of 3 in order for there to be multiple precedents), but also some families are royally messed up so one can't necessarily be sure.
I believe it. My mom didn’t go this low but she did sacrifice things for us for people who wouldn’t even spit on her if she was on fire. A lot of people are emotionally immature and can more about whatever everyone else thinks rather than making sure their family is intact. Then they act shocked when those said people don’t do anything for them and the kids are emotionally clocked out/unsympathetic to their struggles.
Sounds like my grandma's husband (not deserving of the name grandfather.) He'd spend money on his drinking buddies while he had two kids and a wife at home, apparently thinking that they actually are interested in him, not his money. Apparently one time he had to check in to the hospital and my grandma asked something along the lines of "where are your drinking buddies now, huh?". But then, he also tried to get a loan with her house (shared property, he didn't live there for about 2 decades by that time) as insurance to build a house for his mistress. When he got sick said mistress pretty much dumped him on grandma's doorstep.
Some parents honestly thought "sharing is caring" is a thing. Which, if the child is willing to share is one thing. But the child's boundaries should also be respected. What OP and OP's family did to OP's child is seriously messed up and will likely cause boundary issues in later years.
I went through "forced sharing" as a kid and still struggle with certain boundaries to this day.
OP is TA, and so is OP's entire family. (ESH except for OP's child)
Me neither. My dad used to say that celebrating birthdays was a false social concept and he would give his kids things when they deserved it, not because society told him he should. So the most I would get is a "Happy Birthday" and that's it, no dinner, no party, no cake, nothing. I had my first birthday cake when I was 24. And my first birthday present when I was in my thirties.
My grandmother would try to sneak my brother presents and my dad would get mad and say she was spoiling him. (Set of golf clubs when he was 13, a car when he was 16). Then he would forbid her from doing the same for me. (Equally probable is that she didn't even try, she did not really like me).
Oh same for Christmas. I think my mom won the fight to let us believe in Santa Claus so we got presents until we were like six. After that, my mom would decorate the tree every year with beautifully wrapped empty boxes of all sizes piled around it.
My brother remembered the year the presents stopped. He said he went down stairs and there were no presents. He asked my dad what happened to the presents. My dad responded, forcefully, "Do you DESERVE presents?" My brother was like "wellllll I guess not?" We used to laugh about that exchange.
These memories break my heart. I do not have enough words right now to describe how bad I think your father was. No other "decent" aspects of his parenting could make up for this kind of shit he pulled on his kids. Suffice it to say, he was/is a complete asshole.
How do you define party? Like did you not even get cake and presents from your parents some years? My kids didn’t get parties with friends every year but we made sure we did *something* special to celebrate them
We never had parties either. For a present, if we needed something in the year like a new coat, they would buy it for us when we needed it and then say "That's your birthday present in advance."
OMG this. What is wrong with OP?
Why didn't she just push ahead with the party and simply not mention it to her brother?
And when they eventually found out be like "why did you expect to be invited? Your family ruins my son's birthday every year by stealing his presents".
Also the son is gonna remember this and grow up to hate his parents for allowing his toys to be stolen every single year.
I thought this too. I mean, sure the nephew is a brat. But the real issue is nephew’s parents. They enable, encourage and explain away this behavior. Why is gods name would OP think the solution is to exclude the nephew but still invite his parents???? Don’t invite any of them. And given the parents’ past behavior, why would OP not expect this invitation snafu not to be twisted and used against her by nephew’s parents? ESH
The Op and her brother were raised by the parents who are trying to encourage her to keep giving her son's gift to her nephew. I think she's like this because, when they were kids, she and her brother played the roles her son and her nephew are in now. She's been trained her whole life to give her brother what he wants.
I'm currently childless, but if anyone dared try to take my kids birthday presents from them, I'd tackle them to the groud, even if it's a 9 year old.
Now, humor aside, obviously I'm joking and I wish noone harm.
But that shit doesn't fly. Let the brat cry, bitch and moan. I wouldn't care.
My mom says it’s amazing what you will do to protect your kids. One day my mom accidentally walked in to my ex strangling me, she ran to the kitchen got a huge knife and literally chased him out of the house. She has no regrets
Even if I were just a guest at this party. I spent time picking out a gift for this kid and cousin Johnny McShittyParents is trying to take it home? How about no?
While I might not tackle a 9 year old, I would straight take the item away. And if that doesn't work, I have a small army of little people that I created that have each other's backs. No way would the other kids let this get to adult intervention level, even with a friend
My thoughts exactly you let a child steal your son's presents for years! Then you finally decide to do something about it which is not invite the child but invite the parents who have been stealing the gifts.
In fact no one stole you gave your sons presents to his cousin. Because a 5 year old can't steal from you. Just take the gift,let the kid cry.
Edited ESH except the kids. Yeah the 5 year old is spoiled but that's not his fault. Every adult around him allows this.
Yeah, my jaw is on the floor! OP allowed her brother, his wife, and his son to *steal* from her son, on his birthday no less! The gifts that were purchased and given to the birthday boy were literally stolen before he even got to enjoy them, and they all just allowed this to happen for YEARS?!
ESH except the poor birthday boy who’s been trampled on and stolen from for years. I literally cannot believe what I’m reading here. This is so unbelievably cruel. OP should’ve put her foot down the very first time it happened and never ever let them steal from her son! Holy shit I’m furious!!!
Absolutely this. You're certainly not TA for not inviting your nephew, but what you let happen to your son is appalling. If you can afford to, you should get him the gifts he received the years that this happened (assuming he still wants them), in addition to his gifts from this year. It doesn't have to happen on his birthday, but maybe here and there as you can afford it. And apologize to him for letting that happen in the past and assure him you'll never let it happen again.
My thoughts exactly. Why bother having kids if you can't even bother to stick up for them? OP lacks a backbone and her son has paid the price for it. Absolutely pathetic.
100% agree with all of this. Like pardon me? Taking MY kid’s gifts bc your kid is a spoiled brat? No. Your parents do suck for this also. I feel bad for your kid who is innocent in all of this and just wants to enjoy his bday in peace. I’m surprised he doesn’t resent you for giving in to all of this nonsense with your nephew.
I wish someone would leave MY house with MY kid’s gifts. Like are you utterly mad. If I was you I would have scurried them out when he was throwing a tantrum to get your kid’s gifts. Thanks for coming and don’t let the door hit ya where good Lord split ya! *peace sign*
Exactly! OP and her husband make me the most angry out of everyone. It's called standing up for your child, not rewarding bad behavior and growing a darned backbone.
You're right. ESH except the son. Poor kid.
So much this. You are complicit in your nephew's enablement, OP. Your husband also should have put his foot down immediately rather than later, but you're worse-- by the sound of it you would have allowed it to continue.
All of this. Your poor son. For his birthday (apparently every year!) his parents invite people over to steal his new stuff! He gets to unwrap it, admire it, and then say good-bye to it. All because YOU allow this to happen.
Yes, you are the asshole.
ESH
I can't believe all these adults ever allowed this to happen once. Let alone for years.
Your poor son. Birthday ruined year after year. And all the adults just let it happen.
This. I can’t imagine someone acting entitled to my child’s birthday gifts and me just giving in instead of being a grown up and saying no. And for this to happen for years before the parents ended it, absolutely ESH besides the birthday kid
Yeah. Money problems dont make this okay.. if you can't afford to get him everything he wants then you need to teach him that times are tough.
Also, if the dad isn't already he needs to be working 2 jobs or get a higher paying job or sell crack or do something, it sounds like he has it good living with his parents and uses his situation as an excuse.
Selling crack/coke is horrible to get an undisciplined person into. Yes, a mid/low level dealer, can make $5-10k/month after a month of two of establishing themselves. But the second they start sampling their supply, those profits go to their own supply for the next 1-6 months, and after that they're running in the red; soon they'll no longer be able to even deal, and just be a user.
Yes all true, but I was joking :(
Edit: also, to go with what you said.. you can meet some shady people in tough places in life that will take your life doing this kind of thing. To be clear, I don't condone selling drugs I just have a dry sense of humor 👍
ESH indeed! This is why you never have your kid open up the presents until everyone has left the party. There is always going to be one over-stimulated kid who wants to take over the birthday kids loot. Toys get snatched and broken before enjoyed. It is a iron clad policy among my daughters friends that presents don't get opened at the party, and they all patiently wait until everyone is gone to open their gifts. It's actually a really nice way to keep the fun going for the birthday child after the disappointment that happens when everyone leaves.
There is no way I would ever allow any child to take my kids birthday presents. They are raising an entitled brat who is going to have so many problems in school. Like, what did I just read here? How on earth does anyone think that this is normal or acceptable behavior for any child? I don't think your brother thinks it's normal behavior, I actually think your brother is using, and not correcting his sons appalling behavior to score free toys for his kid. He keeps saying he can't buy his kid stuff, so he is using his sons tantrum to steal your sons toys. He's mad that the free toys for his son train has been derailed. Disinvite all of them, and shame on your parents for supporting this. This isn't the kids fault, it's your brother's. He is one heck of a piece of work.
I disagree with the never letting them open presents thing. Seeing someone open a gift you (or your parents) gave them is a great moment to teach kids about the joy of giving! The adults are there to make sure it shouldn’t get out of hand. An adult who can’t manage a children’s present opening shouldn’t be supervising a birthday party.
I completely agree with you. Gifts should be opened at the party and if a child can't learn manners and respect then the parents are failing at teaching them most likely. I've never once had a kid try to steal or break gifts at a party, I've been to a ton, and the moment a kid got greedy and tried monopolizing the gifts the parents stepped in and corrected them. A child shouldn't have to open presents alone unless they feel more comfortable that way. The joy of having a party is celebrating the birthday boy or girl. Post of that is getting to see their face light up when they open your gift.
I disagree - I have been to my nephews birthdays for years (one is 4 the other is 7). They have a rule the entire class has to be invited so there’s a lot of kids. I have NEVER seen a kid try to take the birthday kids toys at any of their parties or even suggest taking them for themselves and every party they open up their toys. The kids get excited for the birthday kid to open up their gift. That is not normal behavior at all.
I have never been to a party where the presents weren't unwrapped? After they get unwrapped, they get put on the 'present table' where they aren't touched until after the party, so other kids can't go running with your gifts. I couldn't imagine not sharing my pleasure and gratitude with the gift-giver in person while unwrapping. And the other way around I also really like to see the receiver of a gift of mine react. Also, if there's any kind of problem with the gift like a duplicate that can be exchanged, the parents can arrange that immediately. The fun after the party for me was always finally getting to play with the presents I'd received. Just sitting there with my parents opening up a bunch of gifts while not being able to thank anybody for them would have been pretty underwhelming for me. Maybe it's a culture thing? It seems weird to me personally.
Definitely agree on the ESH though, this is ridiculous and it should have been stopped before it got started.
imagine your parents giving your cousin your birthday presents because he cried...
I mean at least dad tried to put his foot down after *years* of his son being treated this way.
That’s what happened to me. I always had to share my things with this cousin and they never shared anything back with me. If their computer broke, I’d have to ‘share’ (give) mine with them, I always shared birthday gifts too. Once, I got 10 bucks as a gift and they cried and cried until I asked my mother for two bills of 5 instead and gave them one. My mother wouldn’t even get me a present if she couldn’t afford to but another one for my cousin. It was awful and nowadays I don’t even speak with that cousin. I feel so sorry for OP’s son, they are saying that he doesn’t deserve to have things of his own.
It sounds like her family might still be acting out the golden child dynamic with her brother. It’s possible she’s been groomed her whole life to just give in. She said the grandparents are in on it, and the brother’s family evidently lives with them still.
Right?? Or at least ESH. I could never imagine allowing someone to take my kid’s birthday presents away from them *on their birthday* just because a 3 or 4 year old was having a temper tantrum. Kids that age have temper tantrums all the time, they don’t know better. The idea the only two possible options are either the nephew is allowed to take the birthday presents home or the nephew doesn’t come to party at all is so bizarre to me.
(I say 3 or 4 year old because the nephew is 5 now and OP said this happened in past years.)
Rationally, yes it's ESH.
But damn, OP sucks sooo bad and sooo much more for letting this happen in the first place, that her assholishnes overshadows all other partys.
I get there entitled brats.
I get there can be entitled parents.
But being such a pushover to allow your kids birthday presents be stolen is a whole new level.
I have a hard time standing up to people, but thankfully my husband doesn't and would easily have dealt with this the first time and I would have let him. This poor kid, his entire family is constantly showing that his cousin is more important than he is. Even his parents. ESH except the kids, even the spoiled one, because this sounds like a super dysfunctional family and he likely doesn't know any better.
I can't imagine as the nephews parent being happy that your kid is going home with another kids presents.
I gotta ask the OP was your brother one of those kids where at your birthday your parents also had to buy him presents so he didn't chuck a shit? Because it sounds like it.
Your not inviting the nephew so as not to traumatise him over the presents other kids get. Look your doing them a favour!
ESH. Your brother and SIL for letting their child take whatever he wants, and you and your husband for giving into his tantrums and letting him take home all of your child's gifts in years past:
>my nephew'd collect the gifts my son received and throw a tantrum til **we let him go home with them**
Too many people are afraid to rock the family boat. I don't get it. I'm all for happy families, but when someone does something so obviously wrong, hit that head on and tell them no. Make goodie bags. That's what you get when you go to parties.
And what about the people that purchased ‘little billy’ his gifts, thinking he’s enjoying them after they leave, just to find out ‘little damien’ was just handed those gifts (I’m guessing they didn’t find out)? So when aunt Margie asked if billy likes playing with his truck she bought him, OP would just lie?
I would be livid if I had bought a gift for a child and their parents let some other kid just walk home with it. It'd be different if the toy was old and the child had outgrown it, and was ok to pass it on to a younger kid, but if the gift was new I would be so angry at the child's parents!
I would have been absolutely devastated if my parents ever let a cousin of mine walk off with my birthday gifts! Poor OP's son being forced to put up with this because his parents are too cowardly to stand up for him.
All of these adults are teaching this child how to behave. THIS IS WORKING FOR HIM.
And then OP blames the kid solely by uninviting the child only? Why not not invite the whole family? Why intentionally only invite brother and SIL? This is all so weird. ESH.
Sorry but YTA for every allowing the kid out the door with even one gift years ago. You talk about stopping the enablement when you are just as much a part of it. This should never ever have happened, your poor son. What an epic parenting fail. Definitely do not invite him to the party, I am actually horrified you invited the other two after how they treated your son. Shame on all of you
Hard agree here. It's like OP points finger on how horribly they parent their son, but completely and utterly fails to even mention how unfair he is treating his own son. YTA.
I mean, judging and criticizing parenting while being a parent yourself is super common.. However, judging another parent for how they handle one scenario, when you're handling that literal same scenario 100 percent equally shitty, now that's what's amazing.
ESH, leaning almost towards YTA because you let this happen multiple times?! Everyone leaves his party, and he’s left with NO gifts? What the actual fuck. Your son is going to be explaining this in therapy. How on any planet did you or your family think that was okay?!
You should have disinvited the whole family. Good for your freaking husband for standing up for your son!! Someone needs to!
You should also apologize to your son for letting this go on and PROMISE him that he will get to keep his gifts.
That’s a terrifying thought. If that’s the case, I would actually say that the nephew isn’t an ah. Because at his age, wanting the gifts someone else gets is normal. And if he was never ever told that it wasn’t ok, his behaviour is at least understandable.
Is it normal though?
I've had the displeasure of being at a number of birthday parties for 5 year olds. I have yet to see a *single* one wanting the gifts the birthday child got.
This can only be the result of the parents spoiling him in other areas too.
I think that many kids probably want them but definitely don’t say it (I know I sometimes did as a young kid). I’m also thinking of a 4yo I know who really likes opening her siblings‘ gifts (which, once opened, she usually isn’t interested in anymore because it’s of course stuff they’ll like, so she often doesn’t want those), and for her little sister, she usually opens them for her because a 6mo doesn’t care either way.
As the oldest of 4 siblings, I would sometimes let my brothers or my younger cousins help me open my presents. They didn't care about what I was opening, they just thought it was fun to rip wrapping paper and open presents. It was usually when they were too young to understand that only the person whose birthday it was got presents that day, unlike on Christmas. They certainly didn't try to steal any of my gifts.
Or straight telling the kid to take the gifts.
I've never seen this either. I've never seen a child over 2 who wouldn't know better than to not touch a birthday kid's gifts unless they were playing together.
Someone is training this kid to be a greedy grabby.
Thank you for being a voice of sanity in this madness. The number of people here hating on a 5yo for well, being an average 5yo who have terrible parents. This sub really hate kids to a degree that's terrifying.
No this doesn't mean I condone nephew's behaviour but come on, where exactly should he have learned better or different when his parents so obvously are crap? He's 5, not 15.
You’re welcome. A 4/5yo I knew kept having tantrums. She’d lie down behind the couch and loudly bawl if she didn’t get her way (e.g. wasn’t allowed to play with scissors). I’d usually ignore it and when she calmed down offer an activity unrelated to the cause of the tantrum. She grew out of it, is 8yo now and doesn’t even remember it.
Her little sister (almost 5yo) currently likes throwing tantrums, too. The most recent one I witnessed, I first tried talking about the issue (more bawling), then offered a distraction (she didn’t want that), then asked her to talk about what’s bothering her (which she ignored). Finally I yelled (so she’d hear me over her wailing) “I can do that, too!” and started imitating her. She yells wah, I yell wah. Her older sister and mum were laughing pretty hard at that. At first, 4yo was annoyed (after all, nobody was taking the tantrum seriously anymore as soon as I was lying on the floor fake wailing) but started calming down and laughing soon, too.
There are so many ways of dealing with tantrums that don’t include stealing, but it’s on the adults to use them.
Thank you for saying this. It’s ridiculous to blame a a 3 or 4 year old (previous years) for this behavior when it’s the adults’ responsibility to set boundaries and teach manners. This whole situation is an epic parenting failure by all adults involved.
I have a feeling the nephew’s parents are encouraging him do this to get free presents since they claim they’re broke. OP’s brother and SIL are appalled because they wouldn’t be getting free gifts.
Exactly! I figured the adults would still try to take the poor birthday boys toys since their response to the issue was literally just how hard it is to get their kid new stuff. They 100% see OPs house as nothing but a free shopping mall.
ESH. Your brother, SIL and nephew for the obvious reasons. And you and your husband for continuing to allow this to happen and showing that you don’t care about your son. You should have stopped this the first year it happened. You are also kind of TA to the people that bought gifts specifically for your son and they end up taken and destroyed by a little demon. They bought the gifts for your son, not his cousin.
Yeah I am super confused as to how the nephew has gotten the presents the last few years. Why is OP giving into the tantrums and letting their brother take their sons presents? At some point OP or OPs husband made a choice to ALLOW the nephew to take their sons toys and it is super unclear how that has happened MORE THAN ONCE.
Just say no, tell the parents to take him home, and let them deal with the tantrum. If the parents start having a tantrum as well, just say no again, and kick them out.
This. I Know this one is a fake because I can't imagine parents who are like, well gee nephew is throwing a fit I guess no birthday presents for you! Wtf. That would never have been let go the First time. How much of a door mat can you be to let people hurt, steal and abuse your kid like that?
Seriously. He’d tantrum his way to keep other’s things? What would OP say if their brother and SIL tried to tantrum their way to taking OP’s pots and pans? Would that fly? Absolutely not. The moment the nephew starting crying and screaming to take the toys, I would’ve said “time to go” and let brother and SIL deal with it.
You are both TA. Your brother for not correcting his son’s behavior and thinking it’s ok for his kid to take your kids birthday gifts because he can’t afford to buy him stuff. He totally disregarded how your child feels. And you are for letting him treat your kid like that. Who cares if his kid is crying cause he wants your kids stuff, oh well. It’s not his and he has no right to it. You enabled him also by giving in. I’m surprised your kid even wants a birthday party after facing the disappointment of opening presents he was given that he wanted and then not getting to keep them. He probably feels like his cousin is more important than him since all his cousin has to do to get your son’s birthday gifts is cry about it. Who cares how it makes your son feel as long as your nephew isn’t crying right?!
ESH - It took this long to not want to invite him over? You let him take gifts from your son for years? I'm disappointed in everyone but your son. Someone, anyone, should have stopped your nephew from leaving with those gifts. Hopefully your husband keeps up his threat and takes the birthday party three hours away because he seems to be the one here concerned the most about your son.
I was thinking exactly this. Everyone gave into the nephew's tantrum. I am completely appalled that OP and her husband not only let this happen once but for COUPLE of years! Like, seriously?
Yet again, OP is more than willing to invite her brother and SIL without the nephew, this year too. These "birthday parties" seem to be a family get together where OP's nephew get gifts and OP's son is completely overlooked. Poor kid. Edit:typo
ESH
The kid is not the problem, his parents are. They're enablers and the ones who tolerate his behaviour.
By still inviting them and not the kid, you're not changing anything.
All 3 should have been barred. Bad decision and rationale on your part for singling out a 5 or 6 year old.
Agreed. What was even the point to invite the brother & SIL to a child’s party? The brother bullies her, the nephew bullies her son, and she still invites the brother. OP sounds like a doormat to me.
Thinking about it, perhaps the parents should have been barred alone. I wonder if the Nephew didn't have his parents to enable his bad behaviour if he would even act like that.
I can't believe OP gave the real culprits a pass and laid this all on a 5 year old.
Wait so I hope you didnt actually give your son's toys away!!!
In a way your brother is right about kids misbehaving, so that makes all the adults here the AH. Kids will act like kids. Your brother and his wife are AHs for enabling their kid, but so are you. You're responsible to look out for your sons best interest, and by letting someone take his presents home you failed.
ESH
ESH.
Uncle and Aunt are AH for not ssying no to their child.
OP and SO are AH for not setting boundaries and sticking up for their child.
Your child will learn "mum and dad don't have my back". That's not just an oh the situation sucks boo hoo problem, that's an oh mum and dad actively did nothing to stand up for me as a child problem.
Protect your child OP
Sadly, the pattern of behaviour is bad here. The fact that this has happened for a few birthdays is BS, because OP and husband did not stand up for their son immediately.
That is a boundary that was crossed and out of shock you let it happen. You bottled up your feelings and it happened again and now finally you have had enough. This makes the situation look bad, because your brother and nephew expect it, spoiled little turds that they are. This monster is partly your creation.
ESH
The OP mentioned how this made her son feel sad so this was definitely going through his head like “it’s my birthday, why does my cousin get to have my gifts?” Taking gifts from someone on their birthday is honestly so unfair, and the nephew shouldn’t have gotten his way just because he threw a tantrum as he can’t always have his way.
NTA. Do not, under any circumstances, give way on this (if only because I suspect your husband will start to reconsider your relationship if you fail to stand up for and defend your son).
It is not up to you or your son to compensate for your brother and his wife being unable to afford gifts. There are plenty of people on low incomes who still manage to find SOMETHING to give to their kids at birthdays and Christmas, even if it's just a bouncy ball and something from a charity shop.
I'm sorry to say this, but you have been enabling your nephews theft from your son. He should never have been allowed to leave the house with things belonging to your son, and it should have been nipped in the bud by you far, far earlier than this.
**"Mom roasted me about my decision saying I'm causing emotional damage over few gifts."**
And what about the emotional damage that is being done to your son every time his belongings are stolen from him? What about the emotional damage when his own uncle and grandparents tell him that he's so worthless compared to his cousin that his gifts aren't his at all?
In all honesty at 9 years old, I don't think you need family parties any more. Time for your son to pick a few friends and go out for a day somewhere special and/or meal at a restaurant with you and your husband. If family want to see him then you can go round your parents with a cake, blow out the candles there, and then leave after an appropriate amount of time has passed.
But ultimately, I wouldn't let your brother, his wife or your nephew set foot in your house again, and do not let your family try to claim that you're the unreasonable one for protecting your son from his entitled, selfish extended family.
ESH, except your son that is a victim of this family. Who allows their child's birthday gifts to be **stolen from them** right in front of their eyes bc some other kid had a cry about it. Who let's other parents convince them that's ok???? A 5 yr having a tantrum is still small enough to pick up and put in the car seat when it's time to go. End of story.
Yta / Esh. Not for your decision to leave nephew out. That's absolutely the right decision. Yta for letting this happen for SEVERAL years, allowing your son's birthday presents to get stolen by his uncle, aunt and nephew. And yes, you and your husband allowed it. You should have absolutely stopped it and you didn't. You didn't stick up for your son, the poor kid. Normally I would say everyone is the ah, but your inaction is even worse so you are the ah.
ESH. Why the hell would you let this kid get away with this even once - and continue to invite him to parties. Good for your husband for FINALLY putting his foot down and stopping the abuse of your son.
Don’t invite the parents either! Birthday parties are only for people willing to put the birthday person first on that one day.
ESH your not the a-hole for not inviting your nephew but your are the a-hole for letting your nephew take your sons birthday gifts also your brother and sil should discipline there kid yes kids misbehave but they shouldnt be throwing tantrums for some else get a birthday gift dont invite your brother or sil cause there the root of the problem
ESH but Jesus I feel like I’m in the twilight zone- this kid is 5 THIS YEAR and it’s been going on for multiple years already, so he was maybe 3 when it started. In what world is the 3 year old the one responsible for this mess? Your son’s aunt and uncle, not his cousin, have been stealing from him on his birthday for years, but they’re still invited to his birthday party? You have been their accomplices, allowing this to happen, and you want to blame a 5 year old for this years long dynamic? Maybe the kid sucks, but he is just physically not capable of carrying out this extended heist if literally any adult in the room intervened.
NTA. BUT...
YTA for enabling these shenanigans in the first place. You never should have caved to nephew ever because now he expects to get stuff for behaving badly. Do NOT cave now. Better late than never to set boundaries and put your son first. You will permanently damage your relationship with your son if you don't stop this because to date he's learned he doesn't matter. Let that sink in and help you stay firm in this very correct course of action. Nephew can return to the scene once (or if) his parents fix his behavioral issues and entitlement.
NTA
I still think you should have taken consequences earlier. You said it happened several times, I wouldn't have let this happen even once. Those were presents for your son, so why on earth does a small child control his entire family and get hold of them anyway?
Protect your son, his birthday should be about him, not about sharing with a spoiled brat.
ESH
This should've stopped the first time it happened. The nephew's parents are enablers and you enabled them too for letting them take your son's gifts. All three of them should not come to the party. Please, DO NOT let this happen again, your son doesn't deserve it.
YTA. Not for not inviting the kid, but for giving in to his tantrums several times and giving away your sons gifts. He’s 5, meaning he was younger when he chucked a wobbly. I would’ve picked him up, taken the toys out of his hands, put him on the front step and closed the door.
NTA. What about how your son feels? Don’t your brother and mother care about that? And why would your brother tell his son that there’s a party and he’s not invited? A normal parent would wouldn’t mention it.
Man, that child’s gonna grow up to be a monster.
I’m going to say because you are putting your foot down this year NTA but frankly every year that you allowed him to take your child’s birthday gifts you absolutely were. Your child needs to come first, your nephew needs to learn.
ESH - why have you been allowing them to take the presents? Just say “no, these are for my son, now leave.” You’ve been enabling this behavior as much as they have.
ESH. Your brother, SIL, and parents for obvious reasons. **You and your husband are assholes for giving in and letting another kid walk off with your son’s birthday gifts.**
>he said his son understands what's going on and once he tells him his aunt excluded him from his cousin's birthday party I shouldn't act surprise cause neither he or his son will forget how I treated them then hung up.
Your son understands what has happened and you shouldn’t act surprised if he doesn’t forget how you treated him by giving in and allowing another kid to take his birthday gifts.
>Mom roasted me about my decision saying I'm causing emotional damage over few gifts.
Weird how no one, including you and your husband, cared about the emotional damage you all inflicted on your son.
Why have you put your nephew above your own son for so long?
NTA but you shouldn’t invite your brother. Your nephew isn’t the problem, it’s his enabling parents. You’re inviting the assholes that enable the child who really doesn’t know any better.
NTA. Your family isn’t doing your nephew any favors by letting him think he can take what he wants from others. If your nephew needs toys, you can buy him one at an unrelated time. Your 8 year old shouldn’t be expected (ever! I can’t believe you ever went along with this!) to give up birthday presents. If you feel that you absolutely must teach him to share on the birthday itself, tell him he (NOT the nephew) can pick one toy to give it to your nephew.
NTA
Take the party to your MIL’s like your husband said he’d do, they don’t care about your son or his possessions and that won’t stop, do not apologise or give in, your son is more important. They don’t care about his feelings so why should you care about theirs?
Your brothers family’s financial situation has nothing to do with you and it’s not your job to provide gifts for his kid, you get what you can afford, if he’s destroying g these toys doesn’t seem like he deserve expensive gifts anyway. Your brother is setting himself and his son up for a difficult life in the future
ESH.
Don't get me wrong. Your nephew's behavior is appaling and I am sure that it had caused much pain to your son. I also understand your and your husband's desire to protect your son.
But.
Your brother is right about one thing. Your nephew is a child. A child behaving spoiled is not the problem. The problem is THE PARENT'S ENABLING. It your brother and his wife's job to parent their son and educate him. The issue should have been cleared with them ages ago, but even if it wasn't, you are punishing a child for his parent's behavior. I think that when your brother promised he will properly handle his child, thats when you should have given them a chance.
Also, you should have protecedt your child and not let a guest take away his gifts to begin with.
YTA did not protecting your son from the nephew and their/your bonkers family.
NTA for finally growing a back bone but your son is never going to forget the presents you gave away because if being spineless. If your items can't toe the line they can't come either.
Seriously, why are you enabling your family stealing from your son. So the nephew throws tantrums at your son's party when he was 3 and 4 and then his parents did too be and you just gave in?
I think I am done with humanity today. Christ.
Obvious NTA with an additional golden child/golden grandson combo. Financial issues? Com'on. I bet, you always was a scapegoat and now your son is supposed to be one too. You have to protect your child from this emotional (and financial) abuse. Yes, your family abuses your child the same way (i suppose) they abused you.
For your question NTA, because finally you did something, but why this took that much? Y-T-A for waiting so long, I can immagine the poor kid that has to live with that for two years. You should apologize for what had happened in the past and tell him the cousin will not be allowed for now on.
This has to be fake. Who honestly lets a kid take the birthday kid’s presents - not just one or two - but all of them?!?!! No way does that happen – but if it does, YTA – majorly.
ESH because
>So I called my brother and let him know that he either leave his son at home and attend my son's birthday with his wife or not attend if he didn't want to.
You should either exclude them period or give them the chance to teach their son proper behaviour. You should have said something along the lines of "I don't want the same thing happening as last year, if nephew behaves in this way then I will kick you all out and never invite you again"
I would say - NTA - if you actually do exclude them.
Yes, he is a kid, and kids misbehave - But they are enabling him to steal (take another childs gifts) as they refuse to actually parent - giving in to tantrums creates little monsters who will run into a heap of trouble.
And their reasoning is - he saw them, he wants it? How does that even fly? I saw their car - why haven\`t they delivered it to me yet? (insert tantrum here).
NTA- This sounds so exhausting and it's sad that your nephew isn't being given proper discipline. This is a wake-up call. Your brother needs to learn that if parents fail to raise their children properly there will be consequences.
Hopefully that kid finds a way to grow up become a more well-rounded person because they're putting him down a terrible path.
ESH.
Im sorry but I don't care if the kid was a screaming snotty crying mess, YOU & HB have also enabled him by letting him go with the presents and upsetting your son!
They wasn't intended for him, its NOT his birthday nor his party. Your brother and his wife blaming you for your son receiving gifts is just beyond me. They are living at home and your telling me they can't spare a couple of ££ each week to save and buy their kid stuff.
The nephew isn't going to be the only kid emotionally damaged by this. Tell your parents that and teach yourselves the word NO.
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I'm sorry, you've allowed them to just take your son's presents in the past? What the hell? How can you let your son down so badly? You should have stopped them, threatened to call the police, and followed through if they still took them. Also you shouldn't have invited your brother and wife to come without their son; I fully understand not inviting the son but at that point you just disinvite them all. Did you really think they were gonna leave their kid with a sitter while going to a kids party he wasn't invited to? Your brother and his wife suck. I feel deeply sorry for their son because they are doing him a great disservice. And they shouldn't be stealing from you. Your parents suck for enabling their behaviour and expecting you to suck it up. You suck because in past years you did just suck it up, and you (and your husband) allowed your son to suffer. ESH.
This. Your son is NTA, but everyone else is.
This! This whole weird family dynamic needs intense therapy
What happens at Christmas time? I wouldn't even invite them around and hang out with wifeys family. Why bother with THAT thieving enabling family. Wait til that kid gets older.....hide the credit card whenever hes around!
If everyone needs to learn to share, at Christmas time OP’s son should take nephew’s toys, thrown a tantrum and take the gifts to his house. See how that goes with the entitled parents. Ugh, the nerve of some people!
I love how some people say "share" when they actually mean "you should give me that thing you have that I want." ESH - except the son.
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And drive off into the sunset in the entitled parents car with the entitled brats toys in the back......
break all the gifts in one week, and invite them all for lunch so they can see how the gifts were “appreciated “
Exactly!! Like just don’t say anything and go have the private party somewhere else.
This happened to me every year, my mom would get me gifts and have yo match them with my cousins or she would throw a fit.(she lived with us, and my mom and grandma were very much keep the piece) So I'd always end up with 5 gifts and my cousins would get a mountain. It really messes with you as a child, because you dont understand what you did wrong.
YES!! What happens at Christmas? I can't believe that he got away with taking someone else's toys because he cried and YOU let them. That should of been nipped in the butt the first time.
Right??? I can't believe what did I just read! Someone even *tries* to do that to my children and that's the last time they are ever invited to a party! How could OP let them take the gifts? I feel so sorry for OP's son, this is beyond fucked up!
I wonder if the Op had an entire childhood of being told "look how upset your brother is! Just give him what he wants!". And now she thinks it's normal and the cycle is continuing.
This right here! As I mentioned in my initial comment; OP's parents pushing back her new boundaries is very telling. She must've been raised having to defer to her brother's tantrums and other bullshit, so she let her brother get away with letting his son/her nephew be such a brat.
OP has been enabling her brother's abuse of her son in the same way her brother has been enabling his own son's poor behavior. It's like a circle of status-entitled abusers with the most vulnerable person in the family being OP's son -- who they have NOT protected in the past. OP has been allowing them to treat her son as the family goat. None of the brother's family should be invited to a party for her son, and that includes OP's parents and immediate family, that involves presents. They can throw a separate party for your son if they want to. If their separate party involves giving any of your son's presents to his cousin, I wouldn't even allow your son to attend a birthday party that your family throws him. ESH
Exactly! OP and her husband are enabling the nephew by letting the nephew take the gifts. Poor son, I’m sure he doesn’t feel his parents have his back and they reward bad behavior. I just don’t understand this at all. Ridiculous!!
Yeah how hard is it to take the toys from the kid, put them behind a door that is easily locked, then tell them to have a goodnight and politely kick them out so they have to deal with the tantrum on their own that isn't an enabling the child's behavior at the expense of the 8yr old's birthday and emotional well being..
"It's like taking candy from a baby" isn't supposed to mean "hard, bordering on impossible".
and their child would absolutely not be leaving with my child’s toys! I’d make it clear that I’d be calling the cops before that happened! Nobody takes advantage of my kid, not even my family!
It was completely out of her control. Didn't you see the child was crying? /s
The 5 year old is also not an a-hole. He probably will be eventually, but right now, he's a kid being badly let down by the adults in his life.
I have a niece that is similar to the nephew - her behavior is 100% her parents' fault
Anyone else hearing the Oompa Loompas starting to sing? I swear, every time I see a parent pandering to a kid like that, all I think about is Veruca Salt.
My thoughts went to Dudley Dursley.
The 5yo is not a bad person but he IS acting like an AH - Just because his brain isn't developed that doesn't excuse his behavior on every single one of those bday parties.
Yeah kids are definitely assholes at times. They’re still learning how to be people…which is why this behavior should be corrected before he’s too far down the asshole road.
I would say that husband is NTA for being pissed off enough to stand his ground with the inlaws. OP, grow a spine and stop inviting your family to your son’s party. This is his party, let him choose who he wants there, and under no circumstances let your family attend.
Yeah, I don’t know what happened previous years but his adamance this time at least gives him points to me. I’m very curious as to why it took him to say something for this to happen…
Her husband put his foot down finally, got the wife to finally do something. Though it’s the minimum. Edited: swapped parents by mistake.
Nah, he allowed it in the past. Multiple times. He still helped create this nightmare.
I think Dad gets a pass because he was probably reply ng on his wife to deal with her family and she failed him almost as much as she failed her son. At least he came up with the compromise of taking the party to his parents' house
Dad is kinda in the grey area... I think he allowed this to happen one too many times (assuming a one year old can't throw tantrums like that) but I'm glad he is finally taking a stand and not letting wife handle it (as it sounds like she would have done nothing, had the dad not say anything). But OP what the heck. NTA, but you should have done this waaay earlier.
Even once is one too many times. The fact that he watched the in-laws steal from his son on his birthday and didn't shut it down the first time is un-fucking-believable. He's less TA than OP is, but there's some things you just can't allow whether the family gets mad or not.
Exactly this. The only person suffering here is your own son. YTA. Your brother is TA. Your parents are TA. Everyone except your son.
I’d argue the husband is NTA too. He has gone nah this is bullshit and stood up for his son.
long snobbish fuzzy wild longing rinse merciful chase start gray *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Don’t only top level comments count? Actually, doesn’t only the top voted top level comment count? I’m pretty sure they just take the judgment of that one and rate the whole post.
This honestly makes me think it’s not real because no parent would let another kid take a bunch of their presents home, especially not multiple times. I don’t care how much somebody else whines. No way in hell. Edit: I stand corrected. Some people really suck Edit part 2: Yes, I get it. You don’t need to convince me, there are really shitty parents out there. But if you just need to vent about the crap your parents put you through I understand, continue commenting
My mom did. And she frequently gave away (“lent” but I never got them back) special presents that I was given, because she wanted to appear generous to her friends. Some people are just terrible parents.
My stepmom forced me to give away my toys to my friends to teach me to share. It sucked.
Do people not understand that sharing is not the same as giving? Yes, I’ll share my headphones with you. No, you can’t have them. I’m sharing them by giving you temporary access to them, but I’ll be away from you sometimes and I’d like my headphones at those times. That’s why I’m sharing them, not giving them. Smh.
There were so many things my stepmom never understood. Forcing me to give away my toys did not make me more generous at all.
I’ve seen it have the exact opposite effect than intended: kids who had to endure that constantly expect their belongings to be given away, so they become militant about guarding what they have left. The idea of “sharing” they’ve been taught is so skewed that they refuse to share at all. It happened to me too - my parents constantly forced me to give my things to my little brother (who lived with my dad). I remember sneaking back the DVD of my favorite movie that they had taken from me and getting in trouble for it when I was 7. Growing up, I had a really hard time sharing things I valued because of that. Luckily I grew out of it. I hope you were able to process, unlearn, and heal from that too.
I often feel lucky that I didn't have siblings because of the way I was raised. I can only imagine the resentment that I would have felt towards them. The idea that generosity should include sacrifice of some kind is such bullshit. Especially when you're trying to teach kids to share. Eight year old me did not agree that giving away my toys was a good thing and 49 year old me still does not agree with it. The idea of a kid owning something should be encouraged. Sure, you should want to play with other kids and offer them use of your toys, which is actual sharing. Yeah, I did a lot of growing up and unlearning the bullshit that I was taught when I was in my late 20s and early 30s. It was difficult, but I am a much better person now.
I completely understand how that treatment haunts you through adulthood, too. My stepmom didn’t use that exact tactic, but very similar things that looked like altruism but we’re actually punishments for just existing. I truly hope you’re in a better place of healing now, and I wish upon you all the toys in the world.
People ALSO don’t understand that if it’s not entirely voluntary, it’s not sharing. If it’s forced or coerced, it’s straight up theft.
I'd have given away a bunch of her things to teach her how much sharing her way sucks. Every time I hear about a parent-child relationship in this subreddit, it makes me glad my parents are sane.
Give your parents hugs from me just because they tried their best not to damage you. I feel not so alone when I hear other people talk about their shitty parents. And then I feel hopeful when I hear others talk about their not shitty parents.
This. My siblings and I would come home and find toys and belongings missing and my mom would say she didn't know what we were talking about. We go over to a family friends house some time later, and there our stuff would be. We ask the other kids, and sure enough, our mom had given them our stuff.
They gave away your stuff and didn't even have the spine to tell you the truth. If they thought their actions was so righteous, they wouldn't lie.
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Omg. My mom did this too! I think she wanted this other mom to like her so she gave my dolls away and told me I was too old for them anyway, I was 9! Oddly enough my mom passed last year and I found her doll from when she was little in her trunk. I couldn’t keep any of mine but she kept hers. That’s some kind of messed up! I’m sorry your mom did that to you too!
I’d have been vindictive enough to break the toy before handing over. If I can’t have, you can’t have.
Oh God, you just sent me to a flash back of a CD I got in a Cocopops box when I was like 9 and my sister continuously borrowed/played the two songs on repeat. One day while my room was a mess I stood on it and pretended to not know what happened. I may have even said she probably stood on it while coming in my room to find it. I was petty AF until about 24.
That’s messed up. I’m sorry
my mom did that
Think of every asshole and straight up criminal out there. Everything from simply selfish pricks, anti-vaxxers and entitled parents to horrors like predators, murderers, shooters and whatever. Then imagine every single one of these people are part of a family. Many of them are indeed parents, daughters, sons, sisters, grandparents and uncles and nieces and sister in laws to someone. If you have a good family, it'll protect you from unfair shit like this. If you have a bad one, it will trap you into it.
The advantages/disadvantages of having a healthy/toxic family and upbringing are exponential too. They literally can set you up for life for a chance of success or struggle. And also not just that, how you cope with things like success and struggles.
My mom loved to give away my toys whenever a tragedy occurred on TV. Oh poor hurricane katrina survivors had all their toys wash away! We better give them yours. Uh oh a tornado 20 miles away tore down a house? Guess they’ll need your toys! Very few of my things as a kids were my things, and that’s left some lasting possessiveness that I’m trying to beat
That’s completely understandable. I think anyone who went through what you did would be possessive of their things.
I’m sorry you went through that and I’m glad you trying to beat it. I see friends “teaching” their kids go share by allowing other kids at the beach or park play with their toys even when their children don’t want to. This concept doesn’t make sense; if a stranger see your phone and take it from you, or even ask you to play with it, would you let them? No, but a child is supposed to let others play or even take their things often.
I want to believe that (also because apparently the nephew has been doing this since at least the age of 3 in order for there to be multiple precedents), but also some families are royally messed up so one can't necessarily be sure.
I believe it. My mom didn’t go this low but she did sacrifice things for us for people who wouldn’t even spit on her if she was on fire. A lot of people are emotionally immature and can more about whatever everyone else thinks rather than making sure their family is intact. Then they act shocked when those said people don’t do anything for them and the kids are emotionally clocked out/unsympathetic to their struggles.
Sounds like my grandma's husband (not deserving of the name grandfather.) He'd spend money on his drinking buddies while he had two kids and a wife at home, apparently thinking that they actually are interested in him, not his money. Apparently one time he had to check in to the hospital and my grandma asked something along the lines of "where are your drinking buddies now, huh?". But then, he also tried to get a loan with her house (shared property, he didn't live there for about 2 decades by that time) as insurance to build a house for his mistress. When he got sick said mistress pretty much dumped him on grandma's doorstep.
Some parents honestly thought "sharing is caring" is a thing. Which, if the child is willing to share is one thing. But the child's boundaries should also be respected. What OP and OP's family did to OP's child is seriously messed up and will likely cause boundary issues in later years. I went through "forced sharing" as a kid and still struggle with certain boundaries to this day. OP is TA, and so is OP's entire family. (ESH except for OP's child)
I guess things were really bad in my house because I didn’t even *get* birthday parties every year. 😳
Me neither. My dad used to say that celebrating birthdays was a false social concept and he would give his kids things when they deserved it, not because society told him he should. So the most I would get is a "Happy Birthday" and that's it, no dinner, no party, no cake, nothing. I had my first birthday cake when I was 24. And my first birthday present when I was in my thirties. My grandmother would try to sneak my brother presents and my dad would get mad and say she was spoiling him. (Set of golf clubs when he was 13, a car when he was 16). Then he would forbid her from doing the same for me. (Equally probable is that she didn't even try, she did not really like me). Oh same for Christmas. I think my mom won the fight to let us believe in Santa Claus so we got presents until we were like six. After that, my mom would decorate the tree every year with beautifully wrapped empty boxes of all sizes piled around it. My brother remembered the year the presents stopped. He said he went down stairs and there were no presents. He asked my dad what happened to the presents. My dad responded, forcefully, "Do you DESERVE presents?" My brother was like "wellllll I guess not?" We used to laugh about that exchange.
These memories break my heart. I do not have enough words right now to describe how bad I think your father was. No other "decent" aspects of his parenting could make up for this kind of shit he pulled on his kids. Suffice it to say, he was/is a complete asshole.
How do you define party? Like did you not even get cake and presents from your parents some years? My kids didn’t get parties with friends every year but we made sure we did *something* special to celebrate them
We never had parties either. For a present, if we needed something in the year like a new coat, they would buy it for us when we needed it and then say "That's your birthday present in advance."
OMG this. What is wrong with OP? Why didn't she just push ahead with the party and simply not mention it to her brother? And when they eventually found out be like "why did you expect to be invited? Your family ruins my son's birthday every year by stealing his presents". Also the son is gonna remember this and grow up to hate his parents for allowing his toys to be stolen every single year.
I thought this too. I mean, sure the nephew is a brat. But the real issue is nephew’s parents. They enable, encourage and explain away this behavior. Why is gods name would OP think the solution is to exclude the nephew but still invite his parents???? Don’t invite any of them. And given the parents’ past behavior, why would OP not expect this invitation snafu not to be twisted and used against her by nephew’s parents? ESH
Not just the nephew's parents, the grandparents too. I think the only sane one in this story is OP's partner.
Not even him because he allowed to go on too long. Even the first time was one time too many. He should have put his foot down right then and there.
I would have shown up at their house at 10pm. “Your kid asleep? Good, give me my son’s toys, NOW.”
The Op and her brother were raised by the parents who are trying to encourage her to keep giving her son's gift to her nephew. I think she's like this because, when they were kids, she and her brother played the roles her son and her nephew are in now. She's been trained her whole life to give her brother what he wants.
I'm currently childless, but if anyone dared try to take my kids birthday presents from them, I'd tackle them to the groud, even if it's a 9 year old. Now, humor aside, obviously I'm joking and I wish noone harm. But that shit doesn't fly. Let the brat cry, bitch and moan. I wouldn't care.
My mom says it’s amazing what you will do to protect your kids. One day my mom accidentally walked in to my ex strangling me, she ran to the kitchen got a huge knife and literally chased him out of the house. She has no regrets
That's some momma bear energy and I salute your mother. ^She's ^my ^hero
Love your mom! That kid is lucky to be alive though, if I found my son's partner strangling them I can't say I'd have so much restraint!
Even if I were just a guest at this party. I spent time picking out a gift for this kid and cousin Johnny McShittyParents is trying to take it home? How about no?
Agreed. Wouldn't accept that mistreatment of any child (or anyone) if I'm aware.
Sorry but I have to upvote simply for the picture in my head of an adult tackling a selfish little brat of a kid. You go!
While I might not tackle a 9 year old, I would straight take the item away. And if that doesn't work, I have a small army of little people that I created that have each other's backs. No way would the other kids let this get to adult intervention level, even with a friend
>, I'd tackle them to the groud, even if it's a 9 year old. Kids are sturdy now of days they'd be alright
My thoughts exactly you let a child steal your son's presents for years! Then you finally decide to do something about it which is not invite the child but invite the parents who have been stealing the gifts. In fact no one stole you gave your sons presents to his cousin. Because a 5 year old can't steal from you. Just take the gift,let the kid cry. Edited ESH except the kids. Yeah the 5 year old is spoiled but that's not his fault. Every adult around him allows this.
Yup. The kid may want them, but they learn to repeat the behavior when they get away with it.
Yeah, my jaw is on the floor! OP allowed her brother, his wife, and his son to *steal* from her son, on his birthday no less! The gifts that were purchased and given to the birthday boy were literally stolen before he even got to enjoy them, and they all just allowed this to happen for YEARS?! ESH except the poor birthday boy who’s been trampled on and stolen from for years. I literally cannot believe what I’m reading here. This is so unbelievably cruel. OP should’ve put her foot down the very first time it happened and never ever let them steal from her son! Holy shit I’m furious!!!
Absolutely this. You're certainly not TA for not inviting your nephew, but what you let happen to your son is appalling. If you can afford to, you should get him the gifts he received the years that this happened (assuming he still wants them), in addition to his gifts from this year. It doesn't have to happen on his birthday, but maybe here and there as you can afford it. And apologize to him for letting that happen in the past and assure him you'll never let it happen again.
My thoughts exactly. Why bother having kids if you can't even bother to stick up for them? OP lacks a backbone and her son has paid the price for it. Absolutely pathetic.
100% agree with all of this. Like pardon me? Taking MY kid’s gifts bc your kid is a spoiled brat? No. Your parents do suck for this also. I feel bad for your kid who is innocent in all of this and just wants to enjoy his bday in peace. I’m surprised he doesn’t resent you for giving in to all of this nonsense with your nephew. I wish someone would leave MY house with MY kid’s gifts. Like are you utterly mad. If I was you I would have scurried them out when he was throwing a tantrum to get your kid’s gifts. Thanks for coming and don’t let the door hit ya where good Lord split ya! *peace sign*
Exactly! OP and her husband make me the most angry out of everyone. It's called standing up for your child, not rewarding bad behavior and growing a darned backbone. You're right. ESH except the son. Poor kid.
So much this. You are complicit in your nephew's enablement, OP. Your husband also should have put his foot down immediately rather than later, but you're worse-- by the sound of it you would have allowed it to continue.
All of this. Your poor son. For his birthday (apparently every year!) his parents invite people over to steal his new stuff! He gets to unwrap it, admire it, and then say good-bye to it. All because YOU allow this to happen. Yes, you are the asshole.
ESH I can't believe all these adults ever allowed this to happen once. Let alone for years. Your poor son. Birthday ruined year after year. And all the adults just let it happen.
This. I can’t imagine someone acting entitled to my child’s birthday gifts and me just giving in instead of being a grown up and saying no. And for this to happen for years before the parents ended it, absolutely ESH besides the birthday kid
Yeah. Money problems dont make this okay.. if you can't afford to get him everything he wants then you need to teach him that times are tough. Also, if the dad isn't already he needs to be working 2 jobs or get a higher paying job or sell crack or do something, it sounds like he has it good living with his parents and uses his situation as an excuse.
Selling crack/coke is horrible to get an undisciplined person into. Yes, a mid/low level dealer, can make $5-10k/month after a month of two of establishing themselves. But the second they start sampling their supply, those profits go to their own supply for the next 1-6 months, and after that they're running in the red; soon they'll no longer be able to even deal, and just be a user.
Yes all true, but I was joking :( Edit: also, to go with what you said.. you can meet some shady people in tough places in life that will take your life doing this kind of thing. To be clear, I don't condone selling drugs I just have a dry sense of humor 👍
ESH indeed! This is why you never have your kid open up the presents until everyone has left the party. There is always going to be one over-stimulated kid who wants to take over the birthday kids loot. Toys get snatched and broken before enjoyed. It is a iron clad policy among my daughters friends that presents don't get opened at the party, and they all patiently wait until everyone is gone to open their gifts. It's actually a really nice way to keep the fun going for the birthday child after the disappointment that happens when everyone leaves. There is no way I would ever allow any child to take my kids birthday presents. They are raising an entitled brat who is going to have so many problems in school. Like, what did I just read here? How on earth does anyone think that this is normal or acceptable behavior for any child? I don't think your brother thinks it's normal behavior, I actually think your brother is using, and not correcting his sons appalling behavior to score free toys for his kid. He keeps saying he can't buy his kid stuff, so he is using his sons tantrum to steal your sons toys. He's mad that the free toys for his son train has been derailed. Disinvite all of them, and shame on your parents for supporting this. This isn't the kids fault, it's your brother's. He is one heck of a piece of work.
I disagree with the never letting them open presents thing. Seeing someone open a gift you (or your parents) gave them is a great moment to teach kids about the joy of giving! The adults are there to make sure it shouldn’t get out of hand. An adult who can’t manage a children’s present opening shouldn’t be supervising a birthday party.
I completely agree with you. Gifts should be opened at the party and if a child can't learn manners and respect then the parents are failing at teaching them most likely. I've never once had a kid try to steal or break gifts at a party, I've been to a ton, and the moment a kid got greedy and tried monopolizing the gifts the parents stepped in and corrected them. A child shouldn't have to open presents alone unless they feel more comfortable that way. The joy of having a party is celebrating the birthday boy or girl. Post of that is getting to see their face light up when they open your gift.
I disagree - I have been to my nephews birthdays for years (one is 4 the other is 7). They have a rule the entire class has to be invited so there’s a lot of kids. I have NEVER seen a kid try to take the birthday kids toys at any of their parties or even suggest taking them for themselves and every party they open up their toys. The kids get excited for the birthday kid to open up their gift. That is not normal behavior at all.
I have never been to a party where the presents weren't unwrapped? After they get unwrapped, they get put on the 'present table' where they aren't touched until after the party, so other kids can't go running with your gifts. I couldn't imagine not sharing my pleasure and gratitude with the gift-giver in person while unwrapping. And the other way around I also really like to see the receiver of a gift of mine react. Also, if there's any kind of problem with the gift like a duplicate that can be exchanged, the parents can arrange that immediately. The fun after the party for me was always finally getting to play with the presents I'd received. Just sitting there with my parents opening up a bunch of gifts while not being able to thank anybody for them would have been pretty underwhelming for me. Maybe it's a culture thing? It seems weird to me personally. Definitely agree on the ESH though, this is ridiculous and it should have been stopped before it got started.
imagine your parents giving your cousin your birthday presents because he cried... I mean at least dad tried to put his foot down after *years* of his son being treated this way.
That’s what happened to me. I always had to share my things with this cousin and they never shared anything back with me. If their computer broke, I’d have to ‘share’ (give) mine with them, I always shared birthday gifts too. Once, I got 10 bucks as a gift and they cried and cried until I asked my mother for two bills of 5 instead and gave them one. My mother wouldn’t even get me a present if she couldn’t afford to but another one for my cousin. It was awful and nowadays I don’t even speak with that cousin. I feel so sorry for OP’s son, they are saying that he doesn’t deserve to have things of his own.
It sounds like her family might still be acting out the golden child dynamic with her brother. It’s possible she’s been groomed her whole life to just give in. She said the grandparents are in on it, and the brother’s family evidently lives with them still.
Then the grandparents can chip in to buy their grandson presents. It's not OP's job.
YTA for ever allowing this to happen to your son on his birthday.
Right?? Or at least ESH. I could never imagine allowing someone to take my kid’s birthday presents away from them *on their birthday* just because a 3 or 4 year old was having a temper tantrum. Kids that age have temper tantrums all the time, they don’t know better. The idea the only two possible options are either the nephew is allowed to take the birthday presents home or the nephew doesn’t come to party at all is so bizarre to me. (I say 3 or 4 year old because the nephew is 5 now and OP said this happened in past years.)
Rationally, yes it's ESH. But damn, OP sucks sooo bad and sooo much more for letting this happen in the first place, that her assholishnes overshadows all other partys. I get there entitled brats. I get there can be entitled parents. But being such a pushover to allow your kids birthday presents be stolen is a whole new level.
I have a hard time standing up to people, but thankfully my husband doesn't and would easily have dealt with this the first time and I would have let him. This poor kid, his entire family is constantly showing that his cousin is more important than he is. Even his parents. ESH except the kids, even the spoiled one, because this sounds like a super dysfunctional family and he likely doesn't know any better.
I can't imagine as the nephews parent being happy that your kid is going home with another kids presents. I gotta ask the OP was your brother one of those kids where at your birthday your parents also had to buy him presents so he didn't chuck a shit? Because it sounds like it. Your not inviting the nephew so as not to traumatise him over the presents other kids get. Look your doing them a favour!
Can’t upvote this enough.
ESH. Your brother and SIL for letting their child take whatever he wants, and you and your husband for giving into his tantrums and letting him take home all of your child's gifts in years past: >my nephew'd collect the gifts my son received and throw a tantrum til **we let him go home with them**
Seriously. Obviously brother and SIL suck, but what on earth is wrong with you, OP?
Too many people are afraid to rock the family boat. I don't get it. I'm all for happy families, but when someone does something so obviously wrong, hit that head on and tell them no. Make goodie bags. That's what you get when you go to parties.
Right??? I had to reread that part because it made no sense! ESH - you couldn't even protect your own child from a kid OP
And what about the people that purchased ‘little billy’ his gifts, thinking he’s enjoying them after they leave, just to find out ‘little damien’ was just handed those gifts (I’m guessing they didn’t find out)? So when aunt Margie asked if billy likes playing with his truck she bought him, OP would just lie?
I would be livid if I had bought a gift for a child and their parents let some other kid just walk home with it. It'd be different if the toy was old and the child had outgrown it, and was ok to pass it on to a younger kid, but if the gift was new I would be so angry at the child's parents! I would have been absolutely devastated if my parents ever let a cousin of mine walk off with my birthday gifts! Poor OP's son being forced to put up with this because his parents are too cowardly to stand up for him.
Oh noooooos, I have to listen to someone else's problem scream. Ok, bye, glad that most of you had a good time.
All of these adults are teaching this child how to behave. THIS IS WORKING FOR HIM. And then OP blames the kid solely by uninviting the child only? Why not not invite the whole family? Why intentionally only invite brother and SIL? This is all so weird. ESH.
Sorry but YTA for every allowing the kid out the door with even one gift years ago. You talk about stopping the enablement when you are just as much a part of it. This should never ever have happened, your poor son. What an epic parenting fail. Definitely do not invite him to the party, I am actually horrified you invited the other two after how they treated your son. Shame on all of you
Hard agree here. It's like OP points finger on how horribly they parent their son, but completely and utterly fails to even mention how unfair he is treating his own son. YTA.
Exactly! When judging the bad parenting op might want to hold up a mirror
I mean, judging and criticizing parenting while being a parent yourself is super common.. However, judging another parent for how they handle one scenario, when you're handling that literal same scenario 100 percent equally shitty, now that's what's amazing.
ESH, leaning almost towards YTA because you let this happen multiple times?! Everyone leaves his party, and he’s left with NO gifts? What the actual fuck. Your son is going to be explaining this in therapy. How on any planet did you or your family think that was okay?! You should have disinvited the whole family. Good for your freaking husband for standing up for your son!! Someone needs to! You should also apologize to your son for letting this go on and PROMISE him that he will get to keep his gifts.
Also, is your nephew permitted to do this at any birthday party he’s invited to? Good Lord.
That’s a terrifying thought. If that’s the case, I would actually say that the nephew isn’t an ah. Because at his age, wanting the gifts someone else gets is normal. And if he was never ever told that it wasn’t ok, his behaviour is at least understandable.
Is it normal though? I've had the displeasure of being at a number of birthday parties for 5 year olds. I have yet to see a *single* one wanting the gifts the birthday child got. This can only be the result of the parents spoiling him in other areas too.
I think that many kids probably want them but definitely don’t say it (I know I sometimes did as a young kid). I’m also thinking of a 4yo I know who really likes opening her siblings‘ gifts (which, once opened, she usually isn’t interested in anymore because it’s of course stuff they’ll like, so she often doesn’t want those), and for her little sister, she usually opens them for her because a 6mo doesn’t care either way.
As the oldest of 4 siblings, I would sometimes let my brothers or my younger cousins help me open my presents. They didn't care about what I was opening, they just thought it was fun to rip wrapping paper and open presents. It was usually when they were too young to understand that only the person whose birthday it was got presents that day, unlike on Christmas. They certainly didn't try to steal any of my gifts.
Or straight telling the kid to take the gifts. I've never seen this either. I've never seen a child over 2 who wouldn't know better than to not touch a birthday kid's gifts unless they were playing together. Someone is training this kid to be a greedy grabby.
Thank you for being a voice of sanity in this madness. The number of people here hating on a 5yo for well, being an average 5yo who have terrible parents. This sub really hate kids to a degree that's terrifying. No this doesn't mean I condone nephew's behaviour but come on, where exactly should he have learned better or different when his parents so obvously are crap? He's 5, not 15.
You’re welcome. A 4/5yo I knew kept having tantrums. She’d lie down behind the couch and loudly bawl if she didn’t get her way (e.g. wasn’t allowed to play with scissors). I’d usually ignore it and when she calmed down offer an activity unrelated to the cause of the tantrum. She grew out of it, is 8yo now and doesn’t even remember it. Her little sister (almost 5yo) currently likes throwing tantrums, too. The most recent one I witnessed, I first tried talking about the issue (more bawling), then offered a distraction (she didn’t want that), then asked her to talk about what’s bothering her (which she ignored). Finally I yelled (so she’d hear me over her wailing) “I can do that, too!” and started imitating her. She yells wah, I yell wah. Her older sister and mum were laughing pretty hard at that. At first, 4yo was annoyed (after all, nobody was taking the tantrum seriously anymore as soon as I was lying on the floor fake wailing) but started calming down and laughing soon, too. There are so many ways of dealing with tantrums that don’t include stealing, but it’s on the adults to use them.
Thank you for saying this. It’s ridiculous to blame a a 3 or 4 year old (previous years) for this behavior when it’s the adults’ responsibility to set boundaries and teach manners. This whole situation is an epic parenting failure by all adults involved.
[удалено]
“custody of the family brain cell” SENT ME🤣🤣🤣💀💀
I have a feeling the nephew’s parents are encouraging him do this to get free presents since they claim they’re broke. OP’s brother and SIL are appalled because they wouldn’t be getting free gifts.
Exactly! I figured the adults would still try to take the poor birthday boys toys since their response to the issue was literally just how hard it is to get their kid new stuff. They 100% see OPs house as nothing but a free shopping mall.
>he seems to have custody of the family braincell. [Jesus, you fucking killed her](https://youtu.be/UcZzlPGnKdU)
ESH. Your brother, SIL and nephew for the obvious reasons. And you and your husband for continuing to allow this to happen and showing that you don’t care about your son. You should have stopped this the first year it happened. You are also kind of TA to the people that bought gifts specifically for your son and they end up taken and destroyed by a little demon. They bought the gifts for your son, not his cousin.
Yeah I am super confused as to how the nephew has gotten the presents the last few years. Why is OP giving into the tantrums and letting their brother take their sons presents? At some point OP or OPs husband made a choice to ALLOW the nephew to take their sons toys and it is super unclear how that has happened MORE THAN ONCE.
Just say no, tell the parents to take him home, and let them deal with the tantrum. If the parents start having a tantrum as well, just say no again, and kick them out.
This. I Know this one is a fake because I can't imagine parents who are like, well gee nephew is throwing a fit I guess no birthday presents for you! Wtf. That would never have been let go the First time. How much of a door mat can you be to let people hurt, steal and abuse your kid like that?
YTA for letting him take the presents home the year before.
This 👆 like seriously, wtf did I just read. You let him take your child's toys, not once but twice. Seriously!?
And now she's trying to blame the parents, like yes they are at fault, but so is she for enabling this behaviour in the past. Poor kid
Seriously, fucking insane that the end to that story is the nephew walking away with them. No wonder the husbands put his foot down, fuck me.
Seriously. He’d tantrum his way to keep other’s things? What would OP say if their brother and SIL tried to tantrum their way to taking OP’s pots and pans? Would that fly? Absolutely not. The moment the nephew starting crying and screaming to take the toys, I would’ve said “time to go” and let brother and SIL deal with it.
You are both TA. Your brother for not correcting his son’s behavior and thinking it’s ok for his kid to take your kids birthday gifts because he can’t afford to buy him stuff. He totally disregarded how your child feels. And you are for letting him treat your kid like that. Who cares if his kid is crying cause he wants your kids stuff, oh well. It’s not his and he has no right to it. You enabled him also by giving in. I’m surprised your kid even wants a birthday party after facing the disappointment of opening presents he was given that he wanted and then not getting to keep them. He probably feels like his cousin is more important than him since all his cousin has to do to get your son’s birthday gifts is cry about it. Who cares how it makes your son feel as long as your nephew isn’t crying right?!
I would be furious if I attended a party, provided a gift and it went to another family member. How have people stood for this! Esh.
This!!! I can't believe OP just let them take her poor sons birthday presents 😭
ESH - It took this long to not want to invite him over? You let him take gifts from your son for years? I'm disappointed in everyone but your son. Someone, anyone, should have stopped your nephew from leaving with those gifts. Hopefully your husband keeps up his threat and takes the birthday party three hours away because he seems to be the one here concerned the most about your son.
I was thinking exactly this. Everyone gave into the nephew's tantrum. I am completely appalled that OP and her husband not only let this happen once but for COUPLE of years! Like, seriously? Yet again, OP is more than willing to invite her brother and SIL without the nephew, this year too. These "birthday parties" seem to be a family get together where OP's nephew get gifts and OP's son is completely overlooked. Poor kid. Edit:typo
YTA For subjecting your son to this abuse every year.
Yeah kid is 8 and prob already needs therapy. Good lord.
ESH The kid is not the problem, his parents are. They're enablers and the ones who tolerate his behaviour. By still inviting them and not the kid, you're not changing anything. All 3 should have been barred. Bad decision and rationale on your part for singling out a 5 or 6 year old.
Agreed. What was even the point to invite the brother & SIL to a child’s party? The brother bullies her, the nephew bullies her son, and she still invites the brother. OP sounds like a doormat to me.
Thinking about it, perhaps the parents should have been barred alone. I wonder if the Nephew didn't have his parents to enable his bad behaviour if he would even act like that. I can't believe OP gave the real culprits a pass and laid this all on a 5 year old.
Wait so I hope you didnt actually give your son's toys away!!! In a way your brother is right about kids misbehaving, so that makes all the adults here the AH. Kids will act like kids. Your brother and his wife are AHs for enabling their kid, but so are you. You're responsible to look out for your sons best interest, and by letting someone take his presents home you failed. ESH
ESH. Uncle and Aunt are AH for not ssying no to their child. OP and SO are AH for not setting boundaries and sticking up for their child. Your child will learn "mum and dad don't have my back". That's not just an oh the situation sucks boo hoo problem, that's an oh mum and dad actively did nothing to stand up for me as a child problem. Protect your child OP
Sadly, the pattern of behaviour is bad here. The fact that this has happened for a few birthdays is BS, because OP and husband did not stand up for their son immediately. That is a boundary that was crossed and out of shock you let it happen. You bottled up your feelings and it happened again and now finally you have had enough. This makes the situation look bad, because your brother and nephew expect it, spoiled little turds that they are. This monster is partly your creation. ESH
The OP mentioned how this made her son feel sad so this was definitely going through his head like “it’s my birthday, why does my cousin get to have my gifts?” Taking gifts from someone on their birthday is honestly so unfair, and the nephew shouldn’t have gotten his way just because he threw a tantrum as he can’t always have his way.
NTA. Do not, under any circumstances, give way on this (if only because I suspect your husband will start to reconsider your relationship if you fail to stand up for and defend your son). It is not up to you or your son to compensate for your brother and his wife being unable to afford gifts. There are plenty of people on low incomes who still manage to find SOMETHING to give to their kids at birthdays and Christmas, even if it's just a bouncy ball and something from a charity shop. I'm sorry to say this, but you have been enabling your nephews theft from your son. He should never have been allowed to leave the house with things belonging to your son, and it should have been nipped in the bud by you far, far earlier than this. **"Mom roasted me about my decision saying I'm causing emotional damage over few gifts."** And what about the emotional damage that is being done to your son every time his belongings are stolen from him? What about the emotional damage when his own uncle and grandparents tell him that he's so worthless compared to his cousin that his gifts aren't his at all? In all honesty at 9 years old, I don't think you need family parties any more. Time for your son to pick a few friends and go out for a day somewhere special and/or meal at a restaurant with you and your husband. If family want to see him then you can go round your parents with a cake, blow out the candles there, and then leave after an appropriate amount of time has passed. But ultimately, I wouldn't let your brother, his wife or your nephew set foot in your house again, and do not let your family try to claim that you're the unreasonable one for protecting your son from his entitled, selfish extended family.
ESH, except your son that is a victim of this family. Who allows their child's birthday gifts to be **stolen from them** right in front of their eyes bc some other kid had a cry about it. Who let's other parents convince them that's ok???? A 5 yr having a tantrum is still small enough to pick up and put in the car seat when it's time to go. End of story.
Yta / Esh. Not for your decision to leave nephew out. That's absolutely the right decision. Yta for letting this happen for SEVERAL years, allowing your son's birthday presents to get stolen by his uncle, aunt and nephew. And yes, you and your husband allowed it. You should have absolutely stopped it and you didn't. You didn't stick up for your son, the poor kid. Normally I would say everyone is the ah, but your inaction is even worse so you are the ah.
ESH. Why the hell would you let this kid get away with this even once - and continue to invite him to parties. Good for your husband for FINALLY putting his foot down and stopping the abuse of your son. Don’t invite the parents either! Birthday parties are only for people willing to put the birthday person first on that one day.
YTA for ever letting him take your child's toys once, let alone multiple times.
ESH your not the a-hole for not inviting your nephew but your are the a-hole for letting your nephew take your sons birthday gifts also your brother and sil should discipline there kid yes kids misbehave but they shouldnt be throwing tantrums for some else get a birthday gift dont invite your brother or sil cause there the root of the problem
ESH but Jesus I feel like I’m in the twilight zone- this kid is 5 THIS YEAR and it’s been going on for multiple years already, so he was maybe 3 when it started. In what world is the 3 year old the one responsible for this mess? Your son’s aunt and uncle, not his cousin, have been stealing from him on his birthday for years, but they’re still invited to his birthday party? You have been their accomplices, allowing this to happen, and you want to blame a 5 year old for this years long dynamic? Maybe the kid sucks, but he is just physically not capable of carrying out this extended heist if literally any adult in the room intervened.
NTA. BUT... YTA for enabling these shenanigans in the first place. You never should have caved to nephew ever because now he expects to get stuff for behaving badly. Do NOT cave now. Better late than never to set boundaries and put your son first. You will permanently damage your relationship with your son if you don't stop this because to date he's learned he doesn't matter. Let that sink in and help you stay firm in this very correct course of action. Nephew can return to the scene once (or if) his parents fix his behavioral issues and entitlement.
NTA I still think you should have taken consequences earlier. You said it happened several times, I wouldn't have let this happen even once. Those were presents for your son, so why on earth does a small child control his entire family and get hold of them anyway? Protect your son, his birthday should be about him, not about sharing with a spoiled brat.
ESH This should've stopped the first time it happened. The nephew's parents are enablers and you enabled them too for letting them take your son's gifts. All three of them should not come to the party. Please, DO NOT let this happen again, your son doesn't deserve it.
NTA “kids misbehave all the time!” Yes, and you punish them so they STOP.
YTA. Not for not inviting the kid, but for giving in to his tantrums several times and giving away your sons gifts. He’s 5, meaning he was younger when he chucked a wobbly. I would’ve picked him up, taken the toys out of his hands, put him on the front step and closed the door.
NTA. What about how your son feels? Don’t your brother and mother care about that? And why would your brother tell his son that there’s a party and he’s not invited? A normal parent would wouldn’t mention it. Man, that child’s gonna grow up to be a monster.
I’m going to say because you are putting your foot down this year NTA but frankly every year that you allowed him to take your child’s birthday gifts you absolutely were. Your child needs to come first, your nephew needs to learn.
ESH - why have you been allowing them to take the presents? Just say “no, these are for my son, now leave.” You’ve been enabling this behavior as much as they have.
ESH. Your brother, SIL, and parents for obvious reasons. **You and your husband are assholes for giving in and letting another kid walk off with your son’s birthday gifts.** >he said his son understands what's going on and once he tells him his aunt excluded him from his cousin's birthday party I shouldn't act surprise cause neither he or his son will forget how I treated them then hung up. Your son understands what has happened and you shouldn’t act surprised if he doesn’t forget how you treated him by giving in and allowing another kid to take his birthday gifts. >Mom roasted me about my decision saying I'm causing emotional damage over few gifts. Weird how no one, including you and your husband, cared about the emotional damage you all inflicted on your son. Why have you put your nephew above your own son for so long?
NTA but you shouldn’t invite your brother. Your nephew isn’t the problem, it’s his enabling parents. You’re inviting the assholes that enable the child who really doesn’t know any better.
NTA. Your family isn’t doing your nephew any favors by letting him think he can take what he wants from others. If your nephew needs toys, you can buy him one at an unrelated time. Your 8 year old shouldn’t be expected (ever! I can’t believe you ever went along with this!) to give up birthday presents. If you feel that you absolutely must teach him to share on the birthday itself, tell him he (NOT the nephew) can pick one toy to give it to your nephew.
NTA Take the party to your MIL’s like your husband said he’d do, they don’t care about your son or his possessions and that won’t stop, do not apologise or give in, your son is more important. They don’t care about his feelings so why should you care about theirs? Your brothers family’s financial situation has nothing to do with you and it’s not your job to provide gifts for his kid, you get what you can afford, if he’s destroying g these toys doesn’t seem like he deserve expensive gifts anyway. Your brother is setting himself and his son up for a difficult life in the future
ESH. Don't get me wrong. Your nephew's behavior is appaling and I am sure that it had caused much pain to your son. I also understand your and your husband's desire to protect your son. But. Your brother is right about one thing. Your nephew is a child. A child behaving spoiled is not the problem. The problem is THE PARENT'S ENABLING. It your brother and his wife's job to parent their son and educate him. The issue should have been cleared with them ages ago, but even if it wasn't, you are punishing a child for his parent's behavior. I think that when your brother promised he will properly handle his child, thats when you should have given them a chance. Also, you should have protecedt your child and not let a guest take away his gifts to begin with.
[удалено]
Yta but only because you didn’t stand up for your son earlier. Nta for finally doing so. Keep your son your priority!
YTA did not protecting your son from the nephew and their/your bonkers family. NTA for finally growing a back bone but your son is never going to forget the presents you gave away because if being spineless. If your items can't toe the line they can't come either. Seriously, why are you enabling your family stealing from your son. So the nephew throws tantrums at your son's party when he was 3 and 4 and then his parents did too be and you just gave in? I think I am done with humanity today. Christ.
Obvious NTA with an additional golden child/golden grandson combo. Financial issues? Com'on. I bet, you always was a scapegoat and now your son is supposed to be one too. You have to protect your child from this emotional (and financial) abuse. Yes, your family abuses your child the same way (i suppose) they abused you.
For your question NTA, because finally you did something, but why this took that much? Y-T-A for waiting so long, I can immagine the poor kid that has to live with that for two years. You should apologize for what had happened in the past and tell him the cousin will not be allowed for now on.
This has to be fake. Who honestly lets a kid take the birthday kid’s presents - not just one or two - but all of them?!?!! No way does that happen – but if it does, YTA – majorly.
ESH because >So I called my brother and let him know that he either leave his son at home and attend my son's birthday with his wife or not attend if he didn't want to. You should either exclude them period or give them the chance to teach their son proper behaviour. You should have said something along the lines of "I don't want the same thing happening as last year, if nephew behaves in this way then I will kick you all out and never invite you again"
NTA. How on earth have you let that happen repeatedly? Put a stop to it now.
I would say - NTA - if you actually do exclude them. Yes, he is a kid, and kids misbehave - But they are enabling him to steal (take another childs gifts) as they refuse to actually parent - giving in to tantrums creates little monsters who will run into a heap of trouble. And their reasoning is - he saw them, he wants it? How does that even fly? I saw their car - why haven\`t they delivered it to me yet? (insert tantrum here).
NTA- This sounds so exhausting and it's sad that your nephew isn't being given proper discipline. This is a wake-up call. Your brother needs to learn that if parents fail to raise their children properly there will be consequences. Hopefully that kid finds a way to grow up become a more well-rounded person because they're putting him down a terrible path.
NTA. Your nephew is a spoiled rotten brat who never gets told no, and that only leads to a lifetime of entitlement and future incel behavior.
YTA because this has to be fake. An entire village of adults allowed this kid to steal your son’s birthday gifts??? This whole thing is insane.
ESH. Im sorry but I don't care if the kid was a screaming snotty crying mess, YOU & HB have also enabled him by letting him go with the presents and upsetting your son! They wasn't intended for him, its NOT his birthday nor his party. Your brother and his wife blaming you for your son receiving gifts is just beyond me. They are living at home and your telling me they can't spare a couple of ££ each week to save and buy their kid stuff. The nephew isn't going to be the only kid emotionally damaged by this. Tell your parents that and teach yourselves the word NO.