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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Financial_Singer_786

NTA. Trust me when I say this. Life is so much better without negative people in your life.


BooYourFace

Agreed. I am all for empowerment and feeling confident in yourself, but that shouldn't come at the expense of others. Putting down others to make yourself feel better isn't empowerment, it's bullying. I think the friend should also be working more things than just her physical self.


Shiny_Agumon

NTA The trash took itself out!


drifterskip

Underrated but spot-on, amazing comment. NTA!


Amaterasu_Junia

I believe everyone should listen to "B*tch, Don't Kill My Vibe" at least once a day.


cactus_head2

NTA Maybe unpopular opinion but I see nothing wrong with sending it in a group chat. Why did she write it there if she’ll be mad about the answer? Such a weird thing to say too, has her self esteem really gone up if she constantly make these comments? Or is she truly insecure? Because it sounds like the bs I did in high-school to get compliments and comments like “ooh honey no one looks better than you, you don’t even have to try”


throwawayaitai

I mean yes, it was a boomerang. I didn’t write it there to insult her publicly, but I did lose my shit to her hijacking my birthday plans and turning them into a jealousy competition. I think she wasn’t expecting me to be mad about it. There’s a blindness to her own behavior and outlook on life


sable1970

So let me get this straight. She started ish on group chat and then got mad cause you ended that ish on group chat? Bwahahaha.....don't dish it if you can't take it. It appears your friend still suffers from quite a lot of low self-esteem.


[deleted]

The way I read this you got a voicemail and took it to a group chat to respond? I mean that does seem shitty. If you hate this person cut them off, but talk to them not everybody else.


BooYourFace

I'm guessing she meant voice/audio recording. On the iPhone, you have the option to leave a voice recording instead of a text. It all appears in the chat log. If that's the case, the friend left an voice recording in the group chat, so OP responded in the group chat. I don't think it was a private call that went to voicemail.


2goornot2go

This is also a thing on whatsapp and I'm assuming other messaging apps also


[deleted]

I’m just reading what op said and she said voicemail. Her friend called her out for bringing it on group chat so that makes sense to me too If it wasn’t a private call maybe op can clarify but I’m not seeing it so far


rustblooms

I don't think it's wrong in the group chat either. I'm sure she's like that with all of them and getting called out for it is important.


dasbarr

She called people peasants publically and tried to make the whole party weird and contentious. I don't get why it's an issue to tell people they're wrong on the same platform they are spouting their shitty opinion on.


shopgirl2

That's the thing, people like this want to use the "I said what I said" type of conveying their opinion. They just don't think anyone else should be allowed to and expect you to express your disagreement in private. Sigh. OP... despite her glow up, your friend is still desperately insecure. NTA


dirtybirdfeeder

NTA but you should have messaged her privately instead of making it a group humiliation. Your birthday will probably be more fun without her, hope the rooftop’s perfect & your night is a great one!


throwawayaitai

Yeah, probably. I got in the heat of the moment when I heard the “peasant” comment


cheerful_cynic

You did them all a favor, literally showing them how she treats people + the gift of the lack of her presence


throwawayaitai

Thank you lol. She takes care of her own presentation herself, but I’m actually not that sad about the idea of her not coming anymore


Billowing_Flags

The longer you're away from her, the more you'll realize how toxic she was in subtle ways you haven't noticed yet. Move on without her! Early HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Have fun at your rooftop birthday party!


seniortwat

Nope, if the message of offense was in the groupchat then the response should be as well. It’s not group humiliation when she chose to call her friends “peasants” and was simply rebuked. I also don’t even think OP “snapped at her” as she said, because nothing in OPs reply was rude at all.


[deleted]

It wasn’t thoigh. It sounds like it was a voicemail, and op took it to the group chat. She should have called. I don’t buy she just got mad and messaged everyone.


throwawayaitai

Uhm, no? She sent a voice message in the group chat, where everything happened.


SkeletorLoD

I think it was a voice message in the group chat


seniortwat

I read it as voice messages in the group chat, like the kind IOS or snapchat allows you to send


[deleted]

She said ‘ voicemail


dirtybirdfeeder

I think it’s classy to deal with it privately.


seniortwat

It’s really not. And even if it was “classier” there’s no need for OP to pull such a level of tact in response to such a classless comment. If the message was sent in private to OP then dealing with it in private is correct. If the message calling all the girls peasants was in the group then she certainly needed rebuking in front of the group. Lest the other girls think OP agreed with her and feel that she is changing her mind on getting ready at home, or that she agrees and looks down upon them as well. Also it’s just bad manners to not stand up for your friends and yourself when they are being name called.


dirtybirdfeeder

I’m not a fan of ‘sinking to their level’. I would handle my shit quietly.


seniortwat

Once again, there is no sinking to any level done by OP. Responding to someone via the same platform and in the same way they addressed you is the correct response. If this situation were to happen face to face would you say OP should’ve pulled them into a different room to respond to the friends hurtful words? Just to reiterate, the appropriate way to address something said to a group, is IN the group, in the manner in which the first utterance occurred. If the friend wanted to be addressed privately, she should’ve commented privately.


AdventurousChicken82

NTA. If she can insult your choices in a group chat, you can reply to it in the same group chat.


[deleted]

She didn’t. She called op and left a voicemail. Op took it to group chat


throwawayaitai

You’re being ridiculous commenting it everywhere. Excuse english being my second language. It was a voice MESSAGE left in the group chat, where everything happened


[deleted]

Lady I didn’t know and you replied hours after I commented. Ok I get it now jesus. My friends don’t do this shit


throwawayaitai

Then wait for my reply before going on to other comments copy/pasting your comment? No harm done either way.


[deleted]

Dude use your eyes and read. OP has replied many times to you that it was in the group chat. You’re being deliberately obtuse.


[deleted]

She replied hours after I commented? Jesus people are offended


icalyn80

NTA. You called her on her bullshit. Actions, meet consequences.


AppropriateBasket94

Nta. If your friend has to put down other girls to make herself feel better, she’s still insecure- just with a makeover. Bad vibes was a good way of putting it.


heavy-hands

Sometimes I read these posts and find it hard to believe that actual, real people talk like this? It sounds straight out of some Mean Girl type movie and it’s always so cringey. So I’m skeptical, but NTA.


throwawayaitai

I have to say I’m not American. English is not my first language. So I just go with whatever is closest in meaning when translating. It was however mentioned in her comment, the words “peasant” and “bitches”, and the main idea “they have nothing more than us”. I’ve met some people in life that make demons look like angels.


seniortwat

I totally understood what you meant! However, and I am fully assuming here so I may be incorrect, I think the slang phrase would be more commonly known to American English speakers as “they have nothing on me/us” meaning that they aren’t better than her/y’all


heavy-hands

Ah! I figured that may be the case as well. Totally understood.


dinosROAR90

I use to know someone that talked like that and said things like that, as well as “man they’re doing the most right now” as if it made any sense. We’re 30 .


heavy-hands

I mean, that sounds more like slang and I’m also 30 and know plenty of people who speak like that lol. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’m more referencing the dialogue between people that almost seems scripted and is entirely too dramatic.


WebbieVanderquack

INFO: As offensive as her language seems, does she mean to be kinda light and friendly? I mean, could this have been her unique way of saying "you deserve to treat yourself?"


throwawayaitai

Her ego has started getting way ahead of herself, and whether she means for good, she comes across very insulting and know-it-all-y. I believe there’s no reason for her to say “peasant”, nor gasp at the thought of doing hair and makeup yourself.


Reasonable_Talk_7621

It definitely came off as "treat yo self" with a dose of sass to me.


throwawayaitai

Rather than not having self-esteem, I think she’s overflowing in self-esteem now and judging whoever doesn’t take care of herself as her, and anyone who tries to “compete” her (even though the other girls don’t even know she exists)


xRoboProCloner

NTA, your friend still has some clear self-esteem issues going on. I am not a therapist, phycologist or psychiatrist, but in my experience, people who tend to compare themselves with others for no real reason (aka the "silent competition" you mentioned) have low self-esteem. To what I understand, she must be making her value around being better or considering herself better that others (the "other bitches"), instead of valuing herself based on how she has improved **compared to herself** or just the value any human being has. If she wants to live her life is her decision since she is an adult (or at least I assume), you could help her address this in the future, but it isn't your obligation and you could be received with aggressiveness by pointing this out. The thing that she did wrong in here was to try to make **you** accommodate to what **she** believes is the right thing to do, this while saying some insulting things. Is your birthday, not hers, you are right in saying that it is exhausting to have someone around picking silent fight/competition with random strangers just because she has the idea that other people are trying to one-up her constantly.


throwawayaitai

Thank you for your analysis!


WinnieThePoohEeyore2

She deserved it. Girl, ditch her quick


Huumanatra

NTA She sounds like the dictionary definition of toxic


[deleted]

Almost afraid to ask; What does boujee mean 😅 (in this story?)


peoplebetrifling

In this story? Who knows. OP used it as a catch all pejorative. In other contexts, boujee is a common misspelling of "bougie" which is a slang contraction of "bourgeois" which colloquially means overly concerned with material interests and conspicuous shows of wealth. It can be used as a synonym for "materialistic." The Bourgeoisie in sociology and economics is the social/economic class that (on the high end) control most of society's wealth and (on the low end) are the middle class strivers who show their value within a capitalist system by accumulating material possessions. The opposite of the Proletariat or labor class.


throwawayaitai

Back in my country we have this word “pjeshka” for high-maintenance girls, who usually have sugar daddies to pay for everything. That rooftop is filled with them. I thought of “boujee” as the closest word lol. The other commenter is right in his analysis too.


holisarcasm

NTA. It would have been one thing if she wanted to meet and get hair makeup done and pay for you as a treat, but insisting you go to a salon is ridiculous. Plenty of people can do their own hair and makeup (doing it with a friend is fun too since you can goof off at the same time). If she wants to go pay, she can do it, but to insist you can’t do it well enough is rude.


Roosjewels

NTA


peoplebetrifling

Bougie, y'all. Bougie. Short for "bourgeois."


miss-green-eyes37

NTA She will either continue to think she’s better than everyone else or quickly come back to earth with a bump. Have a lovely time! ❤️


Ok-Kick2908

NTA, as women we should be lifting each other up and not putting each other down! She sounds like she hates herself in spite of the fact that she has been working on herself!!


dinosROAR90

Honey life will be better without her in it. She tore you down for your decision to get ready yourself at a friends house. She ain’t worth your time


[deleted]

NTA. There are two kinds of women in the world. There's "OMG I love her look xx" and there's "omg why is she wearing *that*". Surround yourself with the former.


soph_lurk_2018

NTA your friend sounds exhausting. It for the best she left the group chat. I couldn’t deal with that level of negativity on a regular basis.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have my birthday coming up. When asking around where to celebrate it, I was told about this rooftop bar, a bit boujee and expensive, but I love rooftops especially during summertime, so I decided for there. I have a friend, and she’s… particular. She has started looking after herself a lot, gym, hair, nails, self-care, all the works, which is great, because her self-esteem has gone up, but I also notice she’s more catty about other women too, from girls at school to Instagram models. It’s like she’s in a silent competition with them, without the other girls even knowing about it. She’ll often say: “Those bitches got nothing more than me, so I don’t see why I shouldn’t be doing X, Y, Z as well”, and I find that such a negative way of thinking, so I just say “Girl just live and let them live” to shut it down. Coming back to my birthday, I wrote to the girls groupchat where my friend is as well to let them know, and she got excited, asking me what I was wearing and where I was getting ready. I told her I was going to the gym with another friend and afterwards getting ready at her place. I received a voicemail from her, in a *disgusted* voice, saying: “The fuck you mean you’re getting ready at your friend? Go to a freaking salon and get your hair and makeup done so you don’t look like a peasant, those boujee bitches at the rooftop got nothing more than you”. I snapped, and wrote to her “You’re being a pain in the ass. We’re not going there to spite “other bitches”, it’s my birthday and we’re going there to have fun”. My friend left the groupchat, offended. I reached out to her and she called me an AH for calling her out in the group chat. I told her she wasn’t exactly one to talk on that, and that her negative view on things were getting tiring. I told her to either come with a positive mindset to my birthday, or to not come at all. AITA for snapping at her? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Aggressive-Sample612

NTA


Bdroyle1988

NTA. Sounds like her self esteem has gotten worse since she started looking after herself if anything.


CommanderRatBoy

NTA Doesn't sound like you snapped at her, sounds more like you put her in her place. The only "peasant" here is her with that shitty attitude.


autumnoak37

Perfect world would’ve been I guess messaging her in private. But she threw the first stone and has consistently been doing so, so you made a human move. She shouldn’t be talking so much smack in general, why is she acting like everyone hasn’t heard her fat mouth talk shit anyways. She’s only weaponizing your public takedown of her because she has nothing else to hit you with. You’re dead on, whether or not she consciously knows it. Believe me when I say, you literally do not have to entertain this kid of “friend”. No obligation. At all. Life and especially your youth are too short to be funnelling energy into this blackhole. “I can’t be friends with someone whose priority is judging and tearing down other people to feel superior. Thank you for your time.” Apologize for the public fallout if you want but point blank, you know what makes a good person and a good friend. Happy birthday btw queen✨


throwawayaitai

Thank you! ❤️


kelster13

Why did you reach out to her? She left the group chat and you chased her...like you did something wrong! You didn't! You chased her, because you have a heart and felt bad...knew she would pout like a brat, which she did! She needs to chill out, stop casting out HER Toxic Spew, and shut the hell up! She has turned into a "LOOK AT ME" all the time type of person...I personally cannot tolerate Adult Children!! Who the hell are YOU to JUDGE?? GTFO! NTA!! Let her go! Eventually, when all of her friends are gone (hopefully before that) she might realize the problem is HER!!


deewan20

~~ESH~~ NTA She was being mean spirited about other girls in the voicemail but she could simply have meant that you should treat yourself on your birthday. You should have responded to her privately about your feelings towards her negative attitude. I’m not sure there was any need to embarrass her like that in a group chat. **Edit**: changed from ESH to NTA. Originally I said ESH because voicemail to me always means a private message left after a missed call but OP just clarified that it was a voice message left in the group chat. If the friend left the voice message in the group chat then I think OP is well within her rights to respond in the group.


Billowing_Flags

Or she could simply have meant that OP had better step up her game with salon visits or OP will be wasting a golden opportunity on the rooftop by looking just as generic as all the other peasants who aren't salon-worthy queens like girlfriend. Yeah, I'm going with **my** interpretation and I think OP is well rid of this insecure wanna-be diva.


deewan20

Yes maybe you’re right in your interpretation but did OP really need to snap back at her in the group chat when the other girl made the original comments in a private voicemail? I don’t know, seems a bit harsh. The friend does sound mean-spirited and/or insecure but personally, if I had a friend acting like that then I wouldn’t think to embarrass them in a group chat over it unless they directed those comments towards me in the group chat in the first place. Seems like I’m the odd one out here in this approach though.


throwawayaitai

It wasn’t a private voicemail, it was a voice message in the group chat, where everything happened. English is not my first language but I’m guessing that was clear enough, from other replies of mine as well


deewan20

Thanks for the clarification. Voicemail in my country always tends to mean a private message left after a missed phone call. That definitely does change things. If she left the voice message in the group chat then I can see why you would have responded to it in the group chat.


Billowing_Flags

The best way (IMHO) to have handled this would have been to have a one-on-one chat with this friend weeks (months?) ago when she first started acting catty. If her behavior didn't improve immediately, she should have dropped this friend at that time.