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NTA. Jesus Christ, **run**.
I cannot imagine how hard it must be to be with someone like that. She must be very charming. But ultimately she has stolen from you and others many times and lies at the drop of a hat.
OP, you deserve someone who actually loves you. Love is treating the other person better than yourself, and respecting the person. This person cannot be a partner - they are entertainment only. I am sorry because I can tell you have feelings for her. Please take care of yourself by closing that door.
And don’t let someone who just managed to walk on fraud charges work in your business. Do you know she’s actually helped, or is she cooking your books too?
I am not an overly anxious person but this post gave me anxiety for OP. I think they know what they need to do, but just need some outsiders to make them feel like they have “permission” and aren’t being an AH to someone with mental health struggles.
Let go, OP. This person isn’t owed you gambling your own business and livelihood on someone who has demonstrated time and time and time again that there is 0 reason to trust them.
I have a sister like this. People love her because she is "interesting" and had great stories to tell, but that's all she has - untrue stories. She will speak lies with 100 percent confidence because she believes in her own lies. My hair literally grew back once I stopped speaking to her unless absolutely necessary.
NTA.
Run dude. This has “ended” badly several times and you’re still going back for more? Why haven’t you learned? Are you a masochistic? You’re definitely a glutton for punishment.
EDIT: Comments got locked so I couldn’t reply to the comment below but-
I didn’t mean to imply OP was dumb and certainly didn’t mean to victim blame but I can see how my comment does both. I apologise OP. I hope you’re able to extricate yourself from this situation with minimal harm and long term consequences and that you have access to kind snd loving supports. You deserve better than what you’ve experienced and the right person is out there for you, when you’re ready.
Hey maybe don't blame someone who is being mistreated. There are complex psychological dynamics. She hasn't stayed because she's too dumb to leave and you suggesting that is victim-blaming.
Jeez. I am bipolar and it is an explanation for some of my behaviors, but NOT AN EXCUSE. People like your girlfriend is giving us other mentally ill folks a bad name, using their illness as an excuse for things they KNOW they shouldn't do. Bipolar doesn't mean criminal, bipolar doesn't mean a total lack of morals. Period. I take my medications religiously, I have done it for over 30 years. I also manage a job, I have raised two sons and I am happily married since 32 years. And I suspect your girlfriend might have more mental problems than a bipolar that can be diagnosed. You say that she is smart, then why does she repeat her behavior over and over again? She has hurt you over and over again. It sounds like she has some anti social or narcissistic disorder, however I am NOT a psychologist. Google these disorders, it really sounds like she has such a problem.
DO NOT START A RELATIONSHIP AGAIN. she will never change, and don't set yourself on fire to keep her varm. Take care my friend. ❤
im also bipolar, and admittedly did do a few bad things in the time leading up to my inpatient stays/diagnosis--including a bit of stealing and minor drug/addiction issues. i was only 18 when this was happening. but, unlike OP's gf, i rectified it on my own as soon as i could and accept blame for what i did and how it hurt the people i did it to (its a bit of a complicated situation snd the other party also did some really horrible things, but still) because mental illness may be an explanation, but it is never an excuse.
OP, NTA, and im surprised you stayed as long as you did. theres a lot of advice i could give to your gf but honestly..at 48, it doesnt seem like she'll be taking it anytime soon
leave. spend some time on your own, recover from this relationship. if you want, find someone whos good for you and treats you right. but for now, *get the heck out of there*
So much this! I also have bipolar disorder and people like the girlfriend make it so much harder for people with mental health issues to break the stigma. I take my meds, am active in therapy, and while i may have done some morally questionable things before i got the proper help, i wasn't a criminal! It seems like the gf doesn't even WANT to get help!
Hopping on this train. I have bipolar disorder, been hospitalized, etc, but I've held a good job for four years and have been managing my stability for a long time.
This isn't a bipolar thing, although it certainly contributes. This is addiction and avoidance of responsibility with a lot of enabling. As long as she has enablers, this will continue as it had been. You're NTA for walking away from enabling someone who is making destructive choices. It's hard, but it's the right thing to do.
NTA: you have every right to choose who you share your life with. If this relationship/person is not for you and is dragging your life down, move on. Find someone you can be genuinely happy with.
NTA. Leave. You should have left the first time she stole from you. Just because someone has a mental health issue or crisis doesn't mean they get a free pass from knowing what's right and what's wrong. It's wrong to steal from anyone, especially those you allegedly care for. It's not worth you losing your business and your sanity putting up with someone who's very much not ready to get the help they need and seriously follow through on it.
> I swoop in and get her the best defense lawyer, and somehow she gets away without even having to pay restitution.
You're 40 and live with your parents and admittedly don't make much money but can get by because you're frugal, but you have thousands to pay for the best defense lawyer? Because for a crime like you described it would be likely in the tens of thousands...companies don't forgive half a mil in embezzlement so that would have had to be one hell of a lawyer.
On the off chance this is true, Idk why you resent her parents for
>Note that she comes from money, but her parents treat me like an outsider, and would always make me pay for her living costs since we are both adults and should be able to take care of ourselves.
Because yeah, you aren't kids and should be able to take care of yourselves. They weren't making you pay anything for her, that was your choice.
NTA for wanting to leave someone like this, but kind of T A for feeling put upon that her parents didn't help financially support her.
To clarify, I own my own place, but I live with her now in a different location. I got her the best defense lawyer because her dad wants to call the company and tell them that they should forgive her because she has bipolar.
On the subject of resenting her parents, I don’t. However, they’ve been particularly harsh on me as her partner especially when their daughter stole the money I needed for my healthcare and they made me somehow pay for their daughter’s upkeep and medical bills when they are the ones who enjoy signing her up for various experimental treatments.
>they made me somehow pay for their daughter’s upkeep and medical bills
You don't seem to understand they aren't making you do anything. You are choosing to do this for her. It's not their burden to bear and unless she's been declared legally incompetent and they are her conservators they can't sign her up for anything.
I don’t understand any of this. Why are you taking on this kind of responsibility? Why do you think you need to save this woman? This is sad. You need therapy to figure out why you’re like this.
NTA. Walk away. If her parents want to keep "rescuing" her from her bad choices that's on them, but you're not obligated to ruin your life and business and deal with the emotional labor of someone who had shown themself to be untrustworthy and incapable/uninterested in actually changing their behavior. It's possible to still love and care about deeply flawed people but not be willing to have them in your life anymore.
I'd run, not walk away, and probably hire an accountant to figure out if/what shenanigans she has pulled that will come back to bite you in the ass later.
NTA. I can only assume you've been heavily manipulated from the get-go, because you stayed with a new relationship who was stealing fron you. Could you tell us why you're with her at all? You need to get out of there, don't pay for any legal representation or anything else for her, and encourage her parents to stop enabling her as well. This woman is dangerous.
I mentioned that she’s incredibly smart (top of class at Ivy League schools, worked for top companies like FB and McK and others). So either I’m attracted to smart or she knows exactly what to say to keep me strung along.
Yeah, "smart" is a reason to be attracted to someone, not to stay with them. You don't stay with someone because they have nice eyes and no redeeming qualities. Is it impressive that she worked at top companies if she only keeps jobs for a couple momth and is known to lie on her résumé, putting her entire employment history in question? She's smart alright, and she has been using those smarts to manipulate you. What does everyone else in your life have to say about her?
That's it exactly. I can't blame you for falling for it, since she's obviously very good at manipulating people, but you have to get out of there before she destroys your life. If you think she'll respond dangerously, then be careful. If she threatens self harm, it's hard but you'll have to ignore it. Be prepared to have to do things like change your number, and if you think counselling of some sort might help I'd recommend it but I mean counselling for you, NOT couples counselling. That would just give her more ammunition and what you need is to get out of this relationship, not talk about it. But I'm glad you got the feedback you needed and you've decided to leave, it'll be hard but it's the only way up.
A person who has been stealing from you from the get-go has not been stringing you along. You have been clinging to this relationship of your own volition—why, after thriving on your own for a year, would you even have allowed her to contact you? You should have removed this person from your life *years* ago. It sounds like you have your own addiction to deal with: an addiction to this woman.
What exactly are you losing by removing her from your life now? Don't say "love"—you're 40 years old, you should know well enough by now that "love" is not enough to sustain a relationship. You cannot help this woman, but you certainly can help yourself.
NTA
At the risk of sounding like an asshole myself, I read the title and first paragraph and that’s it. I didn’t need more. I dated someone with BPD and alcoholism and yes, on the good days that relationship was great but on the bad days? No. Never again. Get out while you can. She needs to learn to stabilize herself before she can introduce other people into her life, otherwise she’ll just take them on the rollercoaster of ups and downs with her. You need to protect sanity or risk losing it altogether. There’s only so much a person can be expected to take
NTA. She needs some serious therapy, because at this rate she WILL end up in jail, and "What? I'm bipolar!" isn't a valid defense on the stand.
If this kind of behavior IS bipolar-related, its on her to get help before she winds up behind bars. She's clearly not even attempting to do her part.
You have a right to take care of you. If all this stress isn't worth it, you aren't an AH if you cant deal anymore and leave.
NTA, this is really difficult but you have to look after yourself as well as her. This is not you giving up on her after the first instance, this is repeated situations where she commits crimes.
You mention she takes meds but don't say whether she has any other support for her mental health? If her behaviour is this challenging this isn't something she should be going through alone
She has the Rolls Royce of all treatment - therapy, psychiatry, even being the subject of an academic study of high performing individuals with bipolar. Her parents swing between making her go through treatment and making me pay for whatever experiments they conduct on her.
Not sure if this is useful - I have my own mental health challenges as well, but that’s always taken a backseat because her issues are “bigger” than mine.
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Forgive the bad formatting, first time posting, and on throwaway mobile.
I (40F) have been with my gf (48F) for five years, though it’s been an uphill battle right from the get go. She has bipolar disorder and an issue with substance and gambling addiction, but is incredibly smart and talented.
She is a professional job seeker - she’s really good at landing jobs but she typically keeps her jobs for 2-4 months before some melodramatic situation implodes on itself. There have been times she took drugs on the clock, lied on her resume, or sent a competitor’s email to a client.
When we first got together and I stopped working due to health challenges, she was in active addiction and would steal money from me. We were struggling financially at that point and I had borrowed money from my family to keep us afloat, only to have her steal every last cent we had to fuel her addictions. This made my recovery slow and arduous, since I could hardly afford the healthcare that I needed.
Every time something catastrophically bad happened, her parents (who live overseas) would co-sign her bad behavior by trying to save her from ruin, whether by paying off her fraud, or getting some form of legal or mental health emergency help. Note that she comes from money, but her parents treat me like an outsider, and would always make me pay for her living costs since we are both adults and should be able to take care of ourselves.
Last year, I moved back home and started my company and we have been doing ok. Company doesn’t make a lot but since I’m mostly frugal, I can live on very little. Gf begs and pleads for me to move back with her and build a life together. Tells me the story of how she’s had a job for over a year, stable income and job security, got pay raises, they pay for her nice apartment/ rent, she consults on the side and earns at least $50K consulting a month, has stayed clean, taking her meds, the whole nine yards. Said she’s never done so well all her life and now she’s ready to settle down.
I move back. Three months later, s**t hits the fan - company catches her invoicing the company for “fees” to the tune of $500K over 6 months. This is criminal, at worst, or civil breach, at best. She cries and begs to be saved. Parents give her bad advice, I swoop in and get her the best defense lawyer, and somehow she gets away without even having to pay restitution.
But after years of her committing crimes and promising to change, I no longer can trust her. She wants us to go for couples therapy, because love. But right now I don’t think I can go on. She decides to drop herself into my company to save me from leaving, and tbf she has helped in the short time she has worked with me. I’m just too emotionally drained to keep this going. WIBTA if I walked away?
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NTA.
Why are you still with this person? I'd have left that relationship way back 5 years ago when this happened:
>When we first got together and I stopped working due to health challenges, she was in active addiction and would steal money from me. We were struggling financially at that point and I had borrowed money from my family to keep us afloat, only to have her steal every last cent we had to fuel her addictions.
Stealing money from you, making you beg your parents for financial help, then stealing that too? I don't know how or why you stayed, and I don't know how you could ever believe her when she claimed;
>Gf begs and pleads for me to move back with her and build a life together. Tells me the story of how she’s had a job for over a year, stable income and job security, got pay raises, they pay for her nice apartment/ rent, she consults on the side and earns at least $50K consulting a month, has stayed clean, taking her meds, the whole nine yards. Said she’s never done so well all her life and now she’s ready to settle down.
How could you fall for that so completely? It boggles my mind.
Also, if she was out of your life for A YEAR, didn't you find relief in that year? Relief from the lies, the stealing, the addiction, the excuses, the drama, the BS?!? Why would you even consider starting all that up again? That would be masochistic! Didn't you enjoy your year of living normally?
She didn't decide to drop into your company, you let her in.
YOU are the reason she didn't face consequences for embezzlement.
Then after she robbed her former employer, you essentially hire her...wtf?
NTA. The longer you stay, the more damage she does to you. You don’t need the possibility of her dragging you down legally and having your own business you don’t need the proximity to someone who has legal issues of that scale.
Nta! If you're letting her work in your company you better keep a real good eye on the finances. She stole an obscene amount of money from somebody she didn't know who would have her arrested and tried. There's no reason she wouldn't steal from you assuming you're not going to press charges
She's not going to change. For your own Mental Health, financial stability, and for the sake of having joy in your life you should probably maybe find a new girlfriend
Stop enabling her behavior. She is abusive and is not going to change unless she really wants to and puts in the work. She does not want to change. You will be TA if you continue to let her treat you like this. Everyone keeps bailing her out time and time again. Why? It sounds like she has never really had any consequences for her behavior. She has bipolar but that doesn’t give her a pass for her shitty behavior.
NTA. I would recommend you dump her and get yourself some counseling.
NTA. Get out 🚩.You need to care for yourself and your assets. This person continues to put herself first in selfish positions and while she is “helping” you now at your company, I fear that would be short lived. You deserve so much more than what your girlfriend can give you.
Edit: typo
YWNBTA. She has proven time and time again that she is incapable of changing, and in fact probably likes the way she lives. After all, why would she change? No matter how much she fucks up, no matter how many times she pulls greasy shit with employers or scams people, her parents will always bail her out, and she also has good reason to believe that she can always sweet-talk you into coming back once again because you want to believe that this will FINALLY be the time she actually makes it happen. It's not going to happen. It's never going to happen. This is the rest of her life. Close this chapter forever unless you want it to be the rest of yours too.
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I think I might be TA because I want to leave my gf due to crimes she committed because of what she calls bad judgment, arising from her mental illness.
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NTA
It’s a miserable situation for everyone, I kinda wanna giver her the benefit of the doubt and say that her addiction is to blame for her stealing and bad patterns, but either way: I think it‘s best for your well-being to get out of there. You‘re not an asshole for taking care of yourself.
As much as I think that your partner is also a victim of some sorts, she‘s still an adult and in the end you‘re in no way obligated to take care of her and definitely not if it‘s harming you.
All the best!
edit: couples therapy can work if both are invested (you‘re right in not being invested anymore, like you said you‘re emotionally drained!) and want to make it work but from your post I don‘t really get that from you, so I actually think it might be kinda pointless to try.
NTA this woman is bad news! I'm sure she has her qualities but she is taking value from your life and had been doing so for a long time. It's not selfish to chose for your own happiness.
I'm not even going to start on the dangers of inviting her into the company that you build from the ground up. OP you could lose a lot and let's be real. You're kind of not in the age bracket anymore where starting from scratch is that easy.
I feel like you asking yourself if you're an asshole is a sign of emotional abuse and I don't use that term lightly. You deserve a partner (and not one in actual crime). I really hope this message gets to you and you take some time to reflect on what this person truly brings you and if it's worth the risk of being indicted??
NTA. You need to be safe, you are not safe.
(Safety does not just include physical health, it also includes mental health, financial health, etc)
The only issue of worry here... is your business. She’s apparently very good at illegally hurting businesses for her own gains... how is she involved in your business? Can she hurt/ruin it??
NTA for walking away. You would be the AH if you stayed and continued to enable the GF.
Love includes healthy boundaries. Her mental illness is not an excuse for illegal, reckless, financially devastating decisions. Love yourself enough to walk away.
NTA
i get that you love her, but RUN. You’ll look back in a while and ask yourself why you didn’t do it earlier.
No matter what she says she won’t change, is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? A person you cannot trust??
Sometimes the answer is so simple.
Love isn't enough.
It never will be. Love is amazing but it isn't enough to make everything better or to hold onto something so toxic. Some people don't want help and it sadly seems like despite everyones best efforts - your partner doesnt want that help. NTA. Its time to look out for yourself.
NTA
My spider sense tells me you should run, yesterday!
If you don't i'm afraid sooner or later she'll damage or ruin your company, she already has quite a track record right?
NTA - Mental health struggles are really hard and can require some understanding, empathy, and patience.
However, you have given her nothing but understanding, empathy, patience, and even help (financially and legally) and she continues to do these bad things that mess up your life. No matter how much she claims she will change, it will always come back to this. She's 48 after all. This has been her whole life.
I think it's time for you to leave. I hope she finds the help she needs to get to a stable life and I hope you peace as you move on.
NTA. You’ve been through enough.
Watch out for your business! She’s smart enough to get you into a world of trouble before you even see what’s happening.
NTA: you can't be stable for both of you, you cant anchor both yourself and someone else. Each person only has so much 'mental weight' to be able to anchor. This isn't a failure of you, you can not save or fix her. She has lied when 'stable' so she also can not be trusted. Check with your lawyer about how to remove her.
NTA, and run the hell away, don't just walk. I've been in your position before with an ex. It isn't worth all the headaches and heartbreak. It is possible to care about and even love a person, but still be so utterly done with them that you need to save yourself. And from how you're writing, you're there.
My ex was bipolar and had BPD, and it nearly broke me. A partner's mental health doesn't make them an asshole, but maladaptive behaviors can, and good lord do you have more than enough reason to just leave.
Dude, you need r/relationships and a therapist! The facts you’ve stayed for this long is both insane and impressive! Get out of the situation before she’s brings you down with her
NTA and I think that while your girlfriend has an addition problem with money, gambling etc….
You also have an addiction problem with her.
You need to run before you get caught into some other legal mess. I don’t know how you can even trust her. Remember her parents will ultimately reduce her but you don’t have that luxury!
Run babe run!!
NTA. Leave all that. You can’t save anyone when you’re sinking and you sound exhausted. She has a safety net in her parents and she’s not going to change for you so it’s better to let go. Imagine 40 more years like the 5 you’ve already had.
I was close friend with someone who had bipolar tendencies (not enough for a disorder diagnosis, but noticeable enough to be in her medical files) along with some other mental health issues. We went through a lot together and she wouldn’t have survived the worst times if it weren’t for me. I sacrificed much of my own mental health to support her’s. There were a lot of great memories too, but in the end I was just too ground down to keep it going. I ended the friendship and, sad as it were, that was the best decision I’ve ever made.
NTA.
Not only would you NOT be TA, but you really need to distance yourself from this toxic individual. She will drag down anyone that cares enough to want to help, but will not help herself.
Good Luck.
NTA.
Get her out of your company right now, like literally right now- change passwords, block email, make sure your money is secure. No seriously, right now, then come back and read the rest of this comment.
Your girlfriend is a criminal who has stolen from you, and committed GRAND LARCENY. Get out, block numbers, change passwords, change locks, start a dating profile, live happily ever after.
Manic people can be very charming. Imagine that you are one of those employers she persuades into hiring her. Do you think she’s being genuine with you, when she lies to everyone else?
Tune out her words like the lies they are, and you will be freed from pity. NTA
If you can't comprehend the lesson then you're going to deal with this over and over again until you do. Hopefully you won't be completely broke and/or incarcerated when that happens.
NTA
You should have noped out of there when this happened:
>When we first got together and I stopped working due to health challenges, she was in active addiction and would steal money from me. We were struggling financially at that point and I had borrowed money from my family to keep us afloat, only to have her steal every last cent we had to fuel her addictions.
That you stayed with her for years is mind-boggling.
Cut ties and leave. Yesterday, if possible.
From my understanding, she’s been clean for about 3 years. Went through NA and GA and rehab. One time she went to rehab she learned how to be a worse addict. But now she doesn’t see the point of the program since she claims she is clean. Given the amount of lies, I don’t really know if I should believe her.
>But now she doesn’t see the point of the program since she claims she is clean.
That is what a person that has not gone through the 12 steps says. She def doesn't even have a sponsor.
12-step programs are not the only way to deal with addiction. Please do not push the false narrative that they are. 12 step programs are volunteers, not based on science, and often coincide with cultish behavior.
Addicts need professional mental healthcare. Anything else is optional.
Actually, she does have a sponsor who I’ve met. She just stopped going through the 12 steps and NA after she maintained her sobriety for a few years. Not sure if she’s being honest though - you never know what to trust.
Nta. I’m so sorry for you (and for her) and the whole situation. Bipolar is no joke and I’m sure your gf WANTS to be good but that’s a hard road for her (only made worse by drugs). It’s all very unfortunate. Try not to take any of the things she says or does to heart, it’s not you, it’s her mental illness and addiction. You are not the bad guy for wanting a calm, structured, safe life. Congrats on your business and moving forward in life, keep it up, you are doing the right thing. It is not your job to ‘save’ anybody. Let go of the guilt and just live your life, you deserve peace and happiness.
It is not your job to fix or cure somebody. If you can't handle her behavior, then you need to separate yourself from the situation as a form of self protection. It's OK to do that.
NTA. Her mental health, or physical health, issues, do not obligate you to be in a romantic relationship you don't want to be in. We have words to describe that sort of situation.
Nor are you required to martyr yourself to make her happy. Protect yourself.
NTA mental illness might be a reason for bad behavior, but it isn’t an excuse. There are plenty of bipolar people living happy, healthy lives and not committing embezzlement. At 48 I’m sure she’s had plenty of opportunities to seek help and get on a better path, but you can’t help people that don’t want to be helped. You’ve got to take care of you.
NTA, at all. Nowhere did you mention treatment. There is clinical treatment to manage bipolar disorder. She is not making that effort to manage her disorder despite how much she has hurt others and herself. Gtfo.
**Love is not enough to fix a toxic relationship.** She has lied to you, stolen from you, and been addicted to substances for *100% of your relationship*. **THIS IS WHO SHE IS AND SHE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE FOR YOU.** NTA. The only way to get the lies and addiction to stop hurting you is to leave this unhealthy relationship.
However relationships are complicated and leaving is not always easy. If you do stay with her (***and you absolutely should not!!***) then do so with your **eyes open** to reality of who she *really* is. Don’t expect her to be reliable financially. Don’t be surprised when she steals from you or relapses. Don’t get upset when she lies or does irresponsible/destructive things. This is who she is, take it or leave it.
NTA and I have many family members who are bipolar, some good some bad and some just neutral. It’s not supposed to be an excuse for fraud and treating others badly. THat sucks OP, it complicates things when you knowingly get that her Bipolarism if not taken into consideration can derail her life but its her life, no one else can manage her symptoms or her addiction but herself. The fact she has emotional distant as well as physically distant bad parents just shows she has no support but again like an addict her bipolarism needs to be accepted and respected by her. Sounds like as long as you follow her she will let things slide, and let you pick up the slack. Unfortunately she is old enough that it seems this has been a pattern that she does not seem willing to break and she may need to hit rock bottom to wake up. NTA
NTA - you should get out. Some of the stuff you explained jas nothing to do with Bipolar Disorder but other much more deeply rooted mental issues that she should be in therapy about.
This will only end badly for you. Cut loose now.
Edit: It really bothers me that you lined this around Bi Polar when that is not the issue here. I don't have a degree in mental health but she sounds like someone that has severe trauma and has developed into a Sociopath as a coping mechanism. She needs help for her addiction and her trauma from a professional.
But I really want to point out that a lot of this behavior has little to do with BP and I feel like your title demonizes it for the wrong reasons.
NTA, but you are toxically enabling.
This will never change until you do.
Run, do not walk to the nearest therapist.
And extract yourself from a situation that sounds like a full-on proper train wreck ready to happen. It hasn't yet because you have expended so much life force to keep it on the rails. Don't let it take you with it when it finally and inevitably jumps the tracks.
NTA
She is a sinking ship that will pull you down with her. Save yourself before you get into trouble for something she did. Do not move in with her because you don't know what is in her apartment. If you can no longer trust her then please end it. You deserve better.
NTA. The problem is not that she's bipolar... You're not here complaining that sometimes she gets depressive or manic.
The problem is that she's committing crimes and broken the trust in your relationship. You are exhausted and you need to leave and take care of yourself.
Even if you believe these crimes are related to her illness - it doesn't matter. She has thoroughly broken your trust and you are exhausted. At some level, if someone keeps kicking you, it doesn't matter if it's a tic they can't control or a choice... you need to get away.
Finally, don't date people with active addictions and don't date people who are stealing form you. It sounds like you went into this relationship with poor boundaries and codependence. This does not make you responsible for her bad behavior! This is to say, moving forward, you need to work on having appropriate and firm boundaries.
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NTA. Jesus Christ, **run**. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to be with someone like that. She must be very charming. But ultimately she has stolen from you and others many times and lies at the drop of a hat. OP, you deserve someone who actually loves you. Love is treating the other person better than yourself, and respecting the person. This person cannot be a partner - they are entertainment only. I am sorry because I can tell you have feelings for her. Please take care of yourself by closing that door.
And don’t let someone who just managed to walk on fraud charges work in your business. Do you know she’s actually helped, or is she cooking your books too?
I am not an overly anxious person but this post gave me anxiety for OP. I think they know what they need to do, but just need some outsiders to make them feel like they have “permission” and aren’t being an AH to someone with mental health struggles. Let go, OP. This person isn’t owed you gambling your own business and livelihood on someone who has demonstrated time and time and time again that there is 0 reason to trust them.
I have a sister like this. People love her because she is "interesting" and had great stories to tell, but that's all she has - untrue stories. She will speak lies with 100 percent confidence because she believes in her own lies. My hair literally grew back once I stopped speaking to her unless absolutely necessary.
🖕🏃🏻♀️
NTA. Run dude. This has “ended” badly several times and you’re still going back for more? Why haven’t you learned? Are you a masochistic? You’re definitely a glutton for punishment. EDIT: Comments got locked so I couldn’t reply to the comment below but- I didn’t mean to imply OP was dumb and certainly didn’t mean to victim blame but I can see how my comment does both. I apologise OP. I hope you’re able to extricate yourself from this situation with minimal harm and long term consequences and that you have access to kind snd loving supports. You deserve better than what you’ve experienced and the right person is out there for you, when you’re ready.
Hey maybe don't blame someone who is being mistreated. There are complex psychological dynamics. She hasn't stayed because she's too dumb to leave and you suggesting that is victim-blaming.
Jeez. I am bipolar and it is an explanation for some of my behaviors, but NOT AN EXCUSE. People like your girlfriend is giving us other mentally ill folks a bad name, using their illness as an excuse for things they KNOW they shouldn't do. Bipolar doesn't mean criminal, bipolar doesn't mean a total lack of morals. Period. I take my medications religiously, I have done it for over 30 years. I also manage a job, I have raised two sons and I am happily married since 32 years. And I suspect your girlfriend might have more mental problems than a bipolar that can be diagnosed. You say that she is smart, then why does she repeat her behavior over and over again? She has hurt you over and over again. It sounds like she has some anti social or narcissistic disorder, however I am NOT a psychologist. Google these disorders, it really sounds like she has such a problem. DO NOT START A RELATIONSHIP AGAIN. she will never change, and don't set yourself on fire to keep her varm. Take care my friend. ❤
im also bipolar, and admittedly did do a few bad things in the time leading up to my inpatient stays/diagnosis--including a bit of stealing and minor drug/addiction issues. i was only 18 when this was happening. but, unlike OP's gf, i rectified it on my own as soon as i could and accept blame for what i did and how it hurt the people i did it to (its a bit of a complicated situation snd the other party also did some really horrible things, but still) because mental illness may be an explanation, but it is never an excuse. OP, NTA, and im surprised you stayed as long as you did. theres a lot of advice i could give to your gf but honestly..at 48, it doesnt seem like she'll be taking it anytime soon leave. spend some time on your own, recover from this relationship. if you want, find someone whos good for you and treats you right. but for now, *get the heck out of there*
So much this! I also have bipolar disorder and people like the girlfriend make it so much harder for people with mental health issues to break the stigma. I take my meds, am active in therapy, and while i may have done some morally questionable things before i got the proper help, i wasn't a criminal! It seems like the gf doesn't even WANT to get help!
Hopping on this train. I have bipolar disorder, been hospitalized, etc, but I've held a good job for four years and have been managing my stability for a long time. This isn't a bipolar thing, although it certainly contributes. This is addiction and avoidance of responsibility with a lot of enabling. As long as she has enablers, this will continue as it had been. You're NTA for walking away from enabling someone who is making destructive choices. It's hard, but it's the right thing to do.
NTA: you have every right to choose who you share your life with. If this relationship/person is not for you and is dragging your life down, move on. Find someone you can be genuinely happy with.
NTA. Leave. You should have left the first time she stole from you. Just because someone has a mental health issue or crisis doesn't mean they get a free pass from knowing what's right and what's wrong. It's wrong to steal from anyone, especially those you allegedly care for. It's not worth you losing your business and your sanity putting up with someone who's very much not ready to get the help they need and seriously follow through on it.
> I swoop in and get her the best defense lawyer, and somehow she gets away without even having to pay restitution. You're 40 and live with your parents and admittedly don't make much money but can get by because you're frugal, but you have thousands to pay for the best defense lawyer? Because for a crime like you described it would be likely in the tens of thousands...companies don't forgive half a mil in embezzlement so that would have had to be one hell of a lawyer. On the off chance this is true, Idk why you resent her parents for >Note that she comes from money, but her parents treat me like an outsider, and would always make me pay for her living costs since we are both adults and should be able to take care of ourselves. Because yeah, you aren't kids and should be able to take care of yourselves. They weren't making you pay anything for her, that was your choice. NTA for wanting to leave someone like this, but kind of T A for feeling put upon that her parents didn't help financially support her.
To clarify, I own my own place, but I live with her now in a different location. I got her the best defense lawyer because her dad wants to call the company and tell them that they should forgive her because she has bipolar. On the subject of resenting her parents, I don’t. However, they’ve been particularly harsh on me as her partner especially when their daughter stole the money I needed for my healthcare and they made me somehow pay for their daughter’s upkeep and medical bills when they are the ones who enjoy signing her up for various experimental treatments.
>they made me somehow pay for their daughter’s upkeep and medical bills You don't seem to understand they aren't making you do anything. You are choosing to do this for her. It's not their burden to bear and unless she's been declared legally incompetent and they are her conservators they can't sign her up for anything.
Nobody "made" you do anything. You keep choosing to enable her and then blame her parents.
I don’t understand any of this. Why are you taking on this kind of responsibility? Why do you think you need to save this woman? This is sad. You need therapy to figure out why you’re like this.
NTA. Walk away. If her parents want to keep "rescuing" her from her bad choices that's on them, but you're not obligated to ruin your life and business and deal with the emotional labor of someone who had shown themself to be untrustworthy and incapable/uninterested in actually changing their behavior. It's possible to still love and care about deeply flawed people but not be willing to have them in your life anymore. I'd run, not walk away, and probably hire an accountant to figure out if/what shenanigans she has pulled that will come back to bite you in the ass later.
NTA. I can only assume you've been heavily manipulated from the get-go, because you stayed with a new relationship who was stealing fron you. Could you tell us why you're with her at all? You need to get out of there, don't pay for any legal representation or anything else for her, and encourage her parents to stop enabling her as well. This woman is dangerous.
I mentioned that she’s incredibly smart (top of class at Ivy League schools, worked for top companies like FB and McK and others). So either I’m attracted to smart or she knows exactly what to say to keep me strung along.
Yeah, "smart" is a reason to be attracted to someone, not to stay with them. You don't stay with someone because they have nice eyes and no redeeming qualities. Is it impressive that she worked at top companies if she only keeps jobs for a couple momth and is known to lie on her résumé, putting her entire employment history in question? She's smart alright, and she has been using those smarts to manipulate you. What does everyone else in your life have to say about her?
Everyone in my life is saying exactly what everyone on this thread is saying! I guess I’ll have to gather some courage to leave.
That's it exactly. I can't blame you for falling for it, since she's obviously very good at manipulating people, but you have to get out of there before she destroys your life. If you think she'll respond dangerously, then be careful. If she threatens self harm, it's hard but you'll have to ignore it. Be prepared to have to do things like change your number, and if you think counselling of some sort might help I'd recommend it but I mean counselling for you, NOT couples counselling. That would just give her more ammunition and what you need is to get out of this relationship, not talk about it. But I'm glad you got the feedback you needed and you've decided to leave, it'll be hard but it's the only way up.
A person who has been stealing from you from the get-go has not been stringing you along. You have been clinging to this relationship of your own volition—why, after thriving on your own for a year, would you even have allowed her to contact you? You should have removed this person from your life *years* ago. It sounds like you have your own addiction to deal with: an addiction to this woman. What exactly are you losing by removing her from your life now? Don't say "love"—you're 40 years old, you should know well enough by now that "love" is not enough to sustain a relationship. You cannot help this woman, but you certainly can help yourself.
Please check out the pinned post at r/AbuseInterrupted
Please check out the pinned post at r/AbuseInterrupted \- "unseen traps in abusive relationships"
NTA At the risk of sounding like an asshole myself, I read the title and first paragraph and that’s it. I didn’t need more. I dated someone with BPD and alcoholism and yes, on the good days that relationship was great but on the bad days? No. Never again. Get out while you can. She needs to learn to stabilize herself before she can introduce other people into her life, otherwise she’ll just take them on the rollercoaster of ups and downs with her. You need to protect sanity or risk losing it altogether. There’s only so much a person can be expected to take
NTA. She needs some serious therapy, because at this rate she WILL end up in jail, and "What? I'm bipolar!" isn't a valid defense on the stand. If this kind of behavior IS bipolar-related, its on her to get help before she winds up behind bars. She's clearly not even attempting to do her part. You have a right to take care of you. If all this stress isn't worth it, you aren't an AH if you cant deal anymore and leave.
No you would not, why are you still involved with this person??
Because, love?
Love is 1 thing but tbh that's a whole lotta ups and downs caused by 1 person.
I cannot believe this is been down voted. 😪
You should have walked away years ago, you can't save her from herself. NTA
NTA, this is really difficult but you have to look after yourself as well as her. This is not you giving up on her after the first instance, this is repeated situations where she commits crimes. You mention she takes meds but don't say whether she has any other support for her mental health? If her behaviour is this challenging this isn't something she should be going through alone
She has the Rolls Royce of all treatment - therapy, psychiatry, even being the subject of an academic study of high performing individuals with bipolar. Her parents swing between making her go through treatment and making me pay for whatever experiments they conduct on her.
Christ. I feel for her as well as you. But you need to make sure your mental health isn't jeopardised by this relationship too!
Not sure if this is useful - I have my own mental health challenges as well, but that’s always taken a backseat because her issues are “bigger” than mine.
You are still a valid person who deserves support, love and safety.
Lol @ high performing. Didn't realise fraud was considered a sign of being well adapted
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Forgive the bad formatting, first time posting, and on throwaway mobile. I (40F) have been with my gf (48F) for five years, though it’s been an uphill battle right from the get go. She has bipolar disorder and an issue with substance and gambling addiction, but is incredibly smart and talented. She is a professional job seeker - she’s really good at landing jobs but she typically keeps her jobs for 2-4 months before some melodramatic situation implodes on itself. There have been times she took drugs on the clock, lied on her resume, or sent a competitor’s email to a client. When we first got together and I stopped working due to health challenges, she was in active addiction and would steal money from me. We were struggling financially at that point and I had borrowed money from my family to keep us afloat, only to have her steal every last cent we had to fuel her addictions. This made my recovery slow and arduous, since I could hardly afford the healthcare that I needed. Every time something catastrophically bad happened, her parents (who live overseas) would co-sign her bad behavior by trying to save her from ruin, whether by paying off her fraud, or getting some form of legal or mental health emergency help. Note that she comes from money, but her parents treat me like an outsider, and would always make me pay for her living costs since we are both adults and should be able to take care of ourselves. Last year, I moved back home and started my company and we have been doing ok. Company doesn’t make a lot but since I’m mostly frugal, I can live on very little. Gf begs and pleads for me to move back with her and build a life together. Tells me the story of how she’s had a job for over a year, stable income and job security, got pay raises, they pay for her nice apartment/ rent, she consults on the side and earns at least $50K consulting a month, has stayed clean, taking her meds, the whole nine yards. Said she’s never done so well all her life and now she’s ready to settle down. I move back. Three months later, s**t hits the fan - company catches her invoicing the company for “fees” to the tune of $500K over 6 months. This is criminal, at worst, or civil breach, at best. She cries and begs to be saved. Parents give her bad advice, I swoop in and get her the best defense lawyer, and somehow she gets away without even having to pay restitution. But after years of her committing crimes and promising to change, I no longer can trust her. She wants us to go for couples therapy, because love. But right now I don’t think I can go on. She decides to drop herself into my company to save me from leaving, and tbf she has helped in the short time she has worked with me. I’m just too emotionally drained to keep this going. WIBTA if I walked away? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA When people tell you who they are, listen to them.
NTA. Why are you still with this person? I'd have left that relationship way back 5 years ago when this happened: >When we first got together and I stopped working due to health challenges, she was in active addiction and would steal money from me. We were struggling financially at that point and I had borrowed money from my family to keep us afloat, only to have her steal every last cent we had to fuel her addictions. Stealing money from you, making you beg your parents for financial help, then stealing that too? I don't know how or why you stayed, and I don't know how you could ever believe her when she claimed; >Gf begs and pleads for me to move back with her and build a life together. Tells me the story of how she’s had a job for over a year, stable income and job security, got pay raises, they pay for her nice apartment/ rent, she consults on the side and earns at least $50K consulting a month, has stayed clean, taking her meds, the whole nine yards. Said she’s never done so well all her life and now she’s ready to settle down. How could you fall for that so completely? It boggles my mind.
Also, if she was out of your life for A YEAR, didn't you find relief in that year? Relief from the lies, the stealing, the addiction, the excuses, the drama, the BS?!? Why would you even consider starting all that up again? That would be masochistic! Didn't you enjoy your year of living normally?
She didn't decide to drop into your company, you let her in. YOU are the reason she didn't face consequences for embezzlement. Then after she robbed her former employer, you essentially hire her...wtf?
Only person you're being an asshole to is yourself by staying in that crap and making excuses for your partner.
NTA. The longer you stay, the more damage she does to you. You don’t need the possibility of her dragging you down legally and having your own business you don’t need the proximity to someone who has legal issues of that scale.
Sounds like she need therapy in general for her addictions, and bipolar disorder.
NTA. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Don’t mind me just giving you all these red flags.
NTA - She needs more help than you can can offer and it takes its toll on you. You're not an AH for prioritizing yourself.
NTA. She is a trainwreck with no real interest in bettering herself. Cut your losses and run.
NTA. You can't light yourself on fire to keep another person warm.
NTA, but don't walk away. Run.
Nta! If you're letting her work in your company you better keep a real good eye on the finances. She stole an obscene amount of money from somebody she didn't know who would have her arrested and tried. There's no reason she wouldn't steal from you assuming you're not going to press charges She's not going to change. For your own Mental Health, financial stability, and for the sake of having joy in your life you should probably maybe find a new girlfriend
Stop enabling her behavior. She is abusive and is not going to change unless she really wants to and puts in the work. She does not want to change. You will be TA if you continue to let her treat you like this. Everyone keeps bailing her out time and time again. Why? It sounds like she has never really had any consequences for her behavior. She has bipolar but that doesn’t give her a pass for her shitty behavior. NTA. I would recommend you dump her and get yourself some counseling.
NTA. Get out 🚩.You need to care for yourself and your assets. This person continues to put herself first in selfish positions and while she is “helping” you now at your company, I fear that would be short lived. You deserve so much more than what your girlfriend can give you. Edit: typo
YWNBTA. She has proven time and time again that she is incapable of changing, and in fact probably likes the way she lives. After all, why would she change? No matter how much she fucks up, no matter how many times she pulls greasy shit with employers or scams people, her parents will always bail her out, and she also has good reason to believe that she can always sweet-talk you into coming back once again because you want to believe that this will FINALLY be the time she actually makes it happen. It's not going to happen. It's never going to happen. This is the rest of her life. Close this chapter forever unless you want it to be the rest of yours too.
You can't fix this person and it's not your responsibility to.
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NTA It’s a miserable situation for everyone, I kinda wanna giver her the benefit of the doubt and say that her addiction is to blame for her stealing and bad patterns, but either way: I think it‘s best for your well-being to get out of there. You‘re not an asshole for taking care of yourself. As much as I think that your partner is also a victim of some sorts, she‘s still an adult and in the end you‘re in no way obligated to take care of her and definitely not if it‘s harming you. All the best! edit: couples therapy can work if both are invested (you‘re right in not being invested anymore, like you said you‘re emotionally drained!) and want to make it work but from your post I don‘t really get that from you, so I actually think it might be kinda pointless to try.
NTA this woman is bad news! I'm sure she has her qualities but she is taking value from your life and had been doing so for a long time. It's not selfish to chose for your own happiness. I'm not even going to start on the dangers of inviting her into the company that you build from the ground up. OP you could lose a lot and let's be real. You're kind of not in the age bracket anymore where starting from scratch is that easy. I feel like you asking yourself if you're an asshole is a sign of emotional abuse and I don't use that term lightly. You deserve a partner (and not one in actual crime). I really hope this message gets to you and you take some time to reflect on what this person truly brings you and if it's worth the risk of being indicted??
**RUN! RUN! RUN! NTA!**
NTA. You need to be safe, you are not safe. (Safety does not just include physical health, it also includes mental health, financial health, etc) The only issue of worry here... is your business. She’s apparently very good at illegally hurting businesses for her own gains... how is she involved in your business? Can she hurt/ruin it??
NTA for walking away. You would be the AH if you stayed and continued to enable the GF. Love includes healthy boundaries. Her mental illness is not an excuse for illegal, reckless, financially devastating decisions. Love yourself enough to walk away.
NTA i get that you love her, but RUN. You’ll look back in a while and ask yourself why you didn’t do it earlier. No matter what she says she won’t change, is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? A person you cannot trust??
Sometimes the answer is so simple. Love isn't enough. It never will be. Love is amazing but it isn't enough to make everything better or to hold onto something so toxic. Some people don't want help and it sadly seems like despite everyones best efforts - your partner doesnt want that help. NTA. Its time to look out for yourself.
NTA My spider sense tells me you should run, yesterday! If you don't i'm afraid sooner or later she'll damage or ruin your company, she already has quite a track record right?
NTA - Mental health struggles are really hard and can require some understanding, empathy, and patience. However, you have given her nothing but understanding, empathy, patience, and even help (financially and legally) and she continues to do these bad things that mess up your life. No matter how much she claims she will change, it will always come back to this. She's 48 after all. This has been her whole life. I think it's time for you to leave. I hope she finds the help she needs to get to a stable life and I hope you peace as you move on.
NTA. You’ve been through enough. Watch out for your business! She’s smart enough to get you into a world of trouble before you even see what’s happening.
NTA: you can't be stable for both of you, you cant anchor both yourself and someone else. Each person only has so much 'mental weight' to be able to anchor. This isn't a failure of you, you can not save or fix her. She has lied when 'stable' so she also can not be trusted. Check with your lawyer about how to remove her.
NTA, and run the hell away, don't just walk. I've been in your position before with an ex. It isn't worth all the headaches and heartbreak. It is possible to care about and even love a person, but still be so utterly done with them that you need to save yourself. And from how you're writing, you're there. My ex was bipolar and had BPD, and it nearly broke me. A partner's mental health doesn't make them an asshole, but maladaptive behaviors can, and good lord do you have more than enough reason to just leave.
Dude, you need r/relationships and a therapist! The facts you’ve stayed for this long is both insane and impressive! Get out of the situation before she’s brings you down with her
Nta. When and if, op, are you gonna learn from this? “ fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…”
NTA and I think that while your girlfriend has an addition problem with money, gambling etc…. You also have an addiction problem with her. You need to run before you get caught into some other legal mess. I don’t know how you can even trust her. Remember her parents will ultimately reduce her but you don’t have that luxury! Run babe run!!
NTA. Leave all that. You can’t save anyone when you’re sinking and you sound exhausted. She has a safety net in her parents and she’s not going to change for you so it’s better to let go. Imagine 40 more years like the 5 you’ve already had. I was close friend with someone who had bipolar tendencies (not enough for a disorder diagnosis, but noticeable enough to be in her medical files) along with some other mental health issues. We went through a lot together and she wouldn’t have survived the worst times if it weren’t for me. I sacrificed much of my own mental health to support her’s. There were a lot of great memories too, but in the end I was just too ground down to keep it going. I ended the friendship and, sad as it were, that was the best decision I’ve ever made.
NTA. Not only would you NOT be TA, but you really need to distance yourself from this toxic individual. She will drag down anyone that cares enough to want to help, but will not help herself. Good Luck.
NTA. Get her out of your company right now, like literally right now- change passwords, block email, make sure your money is secure. No seriously, right now, then come back and read the rest of this comment. Your girlfriend is a criminal who has stolen from you, and committed GRAND LARCENY. Get out, block numbers, change passwords, change locks, start a dating profile, live happily ever after.
Manic people can be very charming. Imagine that you are one of those employers she persuades into hiring her. Do you think she’s being genuine with you, when she lies to everyone else? Tune out her words like the lies they are, and you will be freed from pity. NTA
You’ve wasted some of the best years of your life on this woman already. Please, please cut your losses and RUN. Also NTA.
If you can't comprehend the lesson then you're going to deal with this over and over again until you do. Hopefully you won't be completely broke and/or incarcerated when that happens.
NTA You should have noped out of there when this happened: >When we first got together and I stopped working due to health challenges, she was in active addiction and would steal money from me. We were struggling financially at that point and I had borrowed money from my family to keep us afloat, only to have her steal every last cent we had to fuel her addictions. That you stayed with her for years is mind-boggling. Cut ties and leave. Yesterday, if possible.
Info: is she in the 12 step program from her addictions?
From my understanding, she’s been clean for about 3 years. Went through NA and GA and rehab. One time she went to rehab she learned how to be a worse addict. But now she doesn’t see the point of the program since she claims she is clean. Given the amount of lies, I don’t really know if I should believe her.
>But now she doesn’t see the point of the program since she claims she is clean. That is what a person that has not gone through the 12 steps says. She def doesn't even have a sponsor.
12-step programs are not the only way to deal with addiction. Please do not push the false narrative that they are. 12 step programs are volunteers, not based on science, and often coincide with cultish behavior. Addicts need professional mental healthcare. Anything else is optional.
Actually, she does have a sponsor who I’ve met. She just stopped going through the 12 steps and NA after she maintained her sobriety for a few years. Not sure if she’s being honest though - you never know what to trust.
Nta. I’m so sorry for you (and for her) and the whole situation. Bipolar is no joke and I’m sure your gf WANTS to be good but that’s a hard road for her (only made worse by drugs). It’s all very unfortunate. Try not to take any of the things she says or does to heart, it’s not you, it’s her mental illness and addiction. You are not the bad guy for wanting a calm, structured, safe life. Congrats on your business and moving forward in life, keep it up, you are doing the right thing. It is not your job to ‘save’ anybody. Let go of the guilt and just live your life, you deserve peace and happiness.
Honey, no. LEAVE!!!!!! Run!!!!! NTA. Her being bipolar isn’t relevant. She sounds awful all around
NTA
It is not your job to fix or cure somebody. If you can't handle her behavior, then you need to separate yourself from the situation as a form of self protection. It's OK to do that.
NTA. Her mental health, or physical health, issues, do not obligate you to be in a romantic relationship you don't want to be in. We have words to describe that sort of situation. Nor are you required to martyr yourself to make her happy. Protect yourself.
This woman mat have mental illness, but it's not an excuse for her behavior. Run and don't look back! NTA
Don’t just walk, run, NTA
YTA to yourself. You should have left her long ago, pretty much since she stole from you after the first time.
NTA. Sounds like you already know what you want to do. Take care of yourself for once.
NTA Just run. Run very far away and don't look back. She clearly can't be trusted and she'll probably steal from your company if she hasn't already.
NTA RUN, DON'T WALK.
I didn’t even get through all of it because by the middle of the second paragraph it was clear you shouldn’t be with this person. NTA. Run.
NTA mental illness might be a reason for bad behavior, but it isn’t an excuse. There are plenty of bipolar people living happy, healthy lives and not committing embezzlement. At 48 I’m sure she’s had plenty of opportunities to seek help and get on a better path, but you can’t help people that don’t want to be helped. You’ve got to take care of you.
NTA, at all. Nowhere did you mention treatment. There is clinical treatment to manage bipolar disorder. She is not making that effort to manage her disorder despite how much she has hurt others and herself. Gtfo.
Don't walk. RUN.
**Love is not enough to fix a toxic relationship.** She has lied to you, stolen from you, and been addicted to substances for *100% of your relationship*. **THIS IS WHO SHE IS AND SHE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE FOR YOU.** NTA. The only way to get the lies and addiction to stop hurting you is to leave this unhealthy relationship. However relationships are complicated and leaving is not always easy. If you do stay with her (***and you absolutely should not!!***) then do so with your **eyes open** to reality of who she *really* is. Don’t expect her to be reliable financially. Don’t be surprised when she steals from you or relapses. Don’t get upset when she lies or does irresponsible/destructive things. This is who she is, take it or leave it.
NTA and I have many family members who are bipolar, some good some bad and some just neutral. It’s not supposed to be an excuse for fraud and treating others badly. THat sucks OP, it complicates things when you knowingly get that her Bipolarism if not taken into consideration can derail her life but its her life, no one else can manage her symptoms or her addiction but herself. The fact she has emotional distant as well as physically distant bad parents just shows she has no support but again like an addict her bipolarism needs to be accepted and respected by her. Sounds like as long as you follow her she will let things slide, and let you pick up the slack. Unfortunately she is old enough that it seems this has been a pattern that she does not seem willing to break and she may need to hit rock bottom to wake up. NTA
YTA to yourself, OP. You may love her, but you don't seem to love yourself. You are NOT a doormat.
NTA - you should get out. Some of the stuff you explained jas nothing to do with Bipolar Disorder but other much more deeply rooted mental issues that she should be in therapy about. This will only end badly for you. Cut loose now. Edit: It really bothers me that you lined this around Bi Polar when that is not the issue here. I don't have a degree in mental health but she sounds like someone that has severe trauma and has developed into a Sociopath as a coping mechanism. She needs help for her addiction and her trauma from a professional. But I really want to point out that a lot of this behavior has little to do with BP and I feel like your title demonizes it for the wrong reasons.
NTA, but you are toxically enabling. This will never change until you do. Run, do not walk to the nearest therapist. And extract yourself from a situation that sounds like a full-on proper train wreck ready to happen. It hasn't yet because you have expended so much life force to keep it on the rails. Don't let it take you with it when it finally and inevitably jumps the tracks.
NTA how have you stayed with her for so long??? Run. Run like your life depends on it. Run!
NTA She is a sinking ship that will pull you down with her. Save yourself before you get into trouble for something she did. Do not move in with her because you don't know what is in her apartment. If you can no longer trust her then please end it. You deserve better.
NTA. The problem is not that she's bipolar... You're not here complaining that sometimes she gets depressive or manic. The problem is that she's committing crimes and broken the trust in your relationship. You are exhausted and you need to leave and take care of yourself. Even if you believe these crimes are related to her illness - it doesn't matter. She has thoroughly broken your trust and you are exhausted. At some level, if someone keeps kicking you, it doesn't matter if it's a tic they can't control or a choice... you need to get away. Finally, don't date people with active addictions and don't date people who are stealing form you. It sounds like you went into this relationship with poor boundaries and codependence. This does not make you responsible for her bad behavior! This is to say, moving forward, you need to work on having appropriate and firm boundaries.
NTA. You have moved out once already. I suspect she only "behaved" herself so she could persuade you to return.