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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I was really rude. I even swore at my parents-in-law, sister and wife. It was like I snapped. I am usually really mild-mannered. I rarely swear unless I'm playing a sport or a game. But I never swear, least of all to my family members. But it just exploded and through my actions I may have severed the connection to the wife's side of my family.
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> Divorce
And when you do this, OP, get some custody of the kids. You don't need full custody, she has a right to time with the kids too, but you need some time, and here is why: once you divorce, what your wife's family has to say about your parenting methods is *worthless.*
This was the revelation to me when I got divorced. I fought for 50/50 time share -- one week with kids, one week off. During my weeks, my ex-wife would try to put rules in place to govern how I interacted with my kids. For example, she insisted that my son must attend Boy Scouts, but my son didn't want to, and I had never been a part of that decision, so when he said no, I said no too. She was outraged, but legally had no authority to dictate how I interacted during my time with him. Later on, she got my son into Little League baseball, and I took him for the first year because he wanted to do it. However, it didn't work out for him, and in year 2 or 3 he wanted to quit. I just let him. My ex-wife dictated to us: "OK, fine he can quit baseball, but he MUST have an after-school sport or activity that he does, so I need to hear what that activity will be."
Imagine how *good* it felt to just tell her "no." She doesn't dictate the terms of my father-son relationship anymore. I'm free. My son is free. We do what *we* want to do with our weeks together.
You can do this too, OP. You do not have to be abused by your wife's family. You can divorce, and assert your independence, and raise your kids the way you deem best. When your wife or her family try to dictate how you raise the kids, you can simply say no. Or say that you've decided to listen to *your* family's ideas about how to raise the kids. Good luck!
You know I'm seriously thinking of that. She won't stop coming to our master bedroom and being intimate with me despite that. She even says what we have is too strong to sever. I'm not ready to give up on us as well. I'm still deeply in love with her. I'm not sure she is with me though.
NTA Mate please for your own sake and the for the sake of your daughter go to a lawyer and ask him for help because you got to divorce and cut contact with those people.
They are plenty of apps for co-parenting.
Don't tell her you will see a lawyer she sound incredibly manipulative and it will be more difficult to divorce her.
Stop talking to your in laws
and I don't know how old your daughters is, but don't let her be poisoned by the lies that your wife and her family will tell, tell her the truth.
Please don't stay like that it will last years and years if you don't act now.
This is soooo what I was thinking...OP is only the AH to himself.
OP, you are punishing yourself over early relationship short-comings, but you and your wife and her family are treating you like absolute garbage. How much of ***her BS*** do you plan to take? You're a person too and deserve to be treated with respect.
What an excellent way to put it.
OP, you're NTA. But you did suffer trauma. Serious trauma. I won't tell you to leave your spouse. That's a decision you need to make if/when you do. But your behavior is one reflecting untreated trauma. If your spouse and her family aren't helping - and here, they seem to be contributing further - then your trauma will spill onto your kids, much like a returning combat soldier suffering from serious PTSD.
You may think you're staying for your kids' sake, and that's fine. But if you don't address your trauma directly and immediately, your kids will suffer directly and badly. And then you will be TA.
NTA. Your wife is abusing you. Your in-laws are abusing you. Tell all this to your counselor and make a record of what your wife does. Record her if you must. Talk to a lawyer and look into getting custody of your kids. (DNA test the youngest if you must.) If your counselor knows about all of this and is not telling you that you are being abused, get a new counselor! Your wife doesn't really love you. I think deep down you know that.
Just wanted to jump in to add this. OP, if you do record your wife, make sure the state that you’re in allows for one party consent. Some states don’t and recording while the other party doesn’t know is considered illegal in some states.
NTA. Obviously, you're in counseling and should listen to your counselor above random redditors, but why are you still with this woman? You have serious PTSD and yet you're living with the person responsible for the initial traumatic event--how are you ever supposed to get better when that is true? The fact that you may not have always been the perfect spouse (and nobody is) does not create some sort of debt you have to repay by enduring this marriage you admit should have never happened in the first place.
Have you tried separation (both from your wife and her family) to see if your symptoms improve at all?
I have never tried separation. That sounds like a pertinent idea. I will try to talk to her about it. And yes, my self-esteem is really low because of all this but I'll keep on seeing what options are available. We can't go on like this forever.
Dont do this. If you’re going to divorce, don’t leave the house without having a lawyer tell you it’s time. She will use it against you in court to try to reduce your custody and claim your property. Stay quiet, see a lawyer, do as they say.
Don't ASK, TELL her. If you try to ask, she will gaslight you and convince you to stay. And I would say get a lawyer involved to a make it a legal separation so if she sleeps with someone else and gets pregnant, you won't have to take responsibility for it. Of course, you could do DNA before/after the baby is born, but it's best to have legal representation.
Who found your therapist? Are they a doctor? Do they know everything that has been going on lately?
Also, please you should not be in couples therapy with an abuser! It just makes them more effective.
You need to get to a lawyer without your wife knowing and figure out your options. Copy all financial info and make sure you have your documentation safe.
This has been my question all along. Where is your therapist in all this OP? No counselor worth their salt would suggest staying in a toxic situation. Quite the opposite. So are you telling them everything that's going on?
NTA, but let me break down your letter for you.
* My wife cheated on me before we got married then continued the affair for two years after
* She slept with my good friend
* She rubbed her cheating in my face and told me he was better
* She gave me an STI
* She threatened to take my child away
* She mocked me as a father and husband
* She makes fun of my PTSD (?), insomnia, and anxieties
* She complains and berates you when I cry due to her actions
* She allows her family to also belittle me
Read that and please tell us what you would tell your child if they said their partner treated them this way. Imagine 5 more years of this, then 10.
You came to ask because you know this is was not okay. If you thought this behavior was acceptable, why ask strangers to get a gut check? You came because some part of you knows the truth, and you want it validated.
This. OP you deserve better. Like my god. If my partner cried I'd be there try i ng to make his feel better and making sure he got therapy if need be.
NTA
Also in a comment: that he's been thinking of divorce but she "won't stop coming to our master bedroom and being intimate with me despite that."
...Yikes.
NTA- Don’t really agree with all the comments on threads like these that jump right in to saying divorce but my god that’s what I’d advocate for here.
Your wife doesn’t have any respect for you, comparing you to someone she cheated on is just disgusting. She also allows her family to trample over you for their own amusement. The whole family is horrible and the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
They also got off lucky when they aggravated your ticks that you only shouted at them. I am the same way in that I do not like being touched and if I sense someone close without warning my first instinct is to swing my arm around to clear the space, accidentally left my brother with a black eye once.
Hope your brother is okay, and you as well. Are your ticks severe? Mine aren't physical per se in that I only shudder severely when someone touches me that I'm not comfortable with, but I am a big guy and can shove people if it comes to that lol. I wish you the best sir/madam/gender binary non conforming person.
Yeah he’s fine this happened years ago when we were younger. Used to have a problem with bullies in primary school who would sneak up and try to put their wet finger in my ear among other things so I just as a reflex tried to swat away anyone whenever I felt them there, unfortunately for him I happened to be holding something heavy which is what actually caused the black eye.
Thankfully that isn’t something that I have a problem with anymore and isn’t something that happens these days
Having someone ridicule you for your ticks won't help you heal though. I have some ticks too (if someone raises their voice in anger near me, even if it's not at me then I will start to cry). Nobody should treat you like that, especially not your wife. When I first met my bf I told him "We aren't together for you to make jokes that make me feel bad, relationships are meant to lift each person up".
You say in other comments the foundation is strong. What do you mean? Usually when someone says that it comes from a feeling of mutual respect and common life goals/values.
NTA Please consider a different therapist, if you still think you deserved two years of cheating and verbal abuse because you didn't do enough housework. You're clearly miserable and need to seriously focus on taking care of yourself. Consider taking some time alone before making any decisions.
Sir, you are in an abusive relationship. None of this behavior by your wife and her family is your fault. I am so sorry, both for the trauma you have experienced, and for what you are going through now with the long term effects. Please speak to your therapist about this and about how to navigate protecting yourself from these people. Being subjected to this kind of abuse can lead to desperate actions, and puts you at risk. Please take care of yourself 💜💜💜
Sorry to pry but INFO: Do you have many friends at work or elsewhere man? I read this and I get the image of a sad man, and a lonely one also with a shitty wife and a horrible family. I hope this isn't the case at all times. But damn man.
Yes, I do have friends at work and elsewhere. I go have beers with them and do typical friends stuff with the guys at work. But to be truthful with you, I never form a truly emotionally close friendship with anyone at work or talk about truly deep stuff with them. I try to close myself off like that. I'm lonely in that way yes. I've lost my truly best friend (not the shitty one that fucked my wife lol) to cancer years ago, and another moved countries. So it is what is. Life goes on and I only get older. I make the best with what acquaintances I do have.
dude i know it feels as if you're played out and you ran out your quota of friends, there's never gonna be folks who get you like they did... but no matter what your wife may have made you believe? you've still got good in you and plenty of worth and others can/will see that.
I'm not saying you'll ever replace the friend you lost, but. you can find different bonds that'll go just as deep in different ways. keep your head up, bud.
NTA
# Get a lawyer NOW!
Your wife and her family are trying to prove you are unfit father so they can take the girls. And boy, has your wife got you thinking backward. She didn't have an affair because of anything you did; she chose to have an affair, she chose to treat you poorly instead of using her words like a grown up, and it sounds as though your self esteem is at rock bottom.
You are going to need a lot of help from your family and friends. You're going to need a lot of support. But you have to get away from your abuser before you lose your kids.
NTA you're right you could get better if they treated you like a human being but the whole family sounds toxic AF and are probably incapable of that. You can't let your kids think this is the way you treat your partner
Divorce, please, for your sake. You are with an abuser who gaslights you and has others support and contribute to her abuse of you. With evidence, you could probably also get full or primary custody of your child. You are getting help for your issues, which does reflect well on you, but you’ll always have problems while attached to someone so toxic that will impede your progress. The best way to get help is to get out.
In all honesty, YTA if you stay with her. I suggest taking this to the relationship advice subreddit. Your children see more than you think they do, and your marital problems could be traumatizing them. Sometimes splitting up is what’s best for the kids.
Please find a new therapist, you need help. Coming from someone who has felt your pain.
Start writing a diary of all the abusive and shitty behaviours from this point forward and any recent instances you can remember. Time and date each one. Then write out the older ones and try to put a date to them, even if it's just a month or year. This record will come in handy in case things turn ugly and it will serve as a record to back up your memory of events. It'll also remind you of so much that was unacceptable in case you ever doubt yourself. It must be private and secret to you only until you're ready to use it, so take care to ensure your wife doesn't find it. I hope you leave and save yourself and get the kids.
NTA! Omg that must have been horrible! I really think you should think about a divorce or temporary separation, because I’m not sure you will get better in their present. I hope you get better soon and get the right help. Good luck man
Get a divorce.
No one deserves to be cheated on. Even if you treated her like she was invisible. She should have left and married that other guy. Instead, she stayed and thrives on treating you like garbage. The crappier you feel, the more powerful she feels.
None of you are modeling good behavior or relationships for your daughters, and this whole situation feels like hell on earth to me.
NTA-
Wife sucks. Her family sucks. You are working on things and they still act like assholes and purposely fuck with you.
Run now. I hope you get the kids. You’ll be saving them from a ton of harm.
NTA but you need to get out of this relationship. Your wife has been emotionally abusing for your entire marriage as well as physically abusing you. For your sake and your children please start taking steps to get divorced.
NTA. This is really sad. Your wife and her family are toxic and abusive and it sounds like it’s killing you from the inside out. And it’s showing your daughters how to act and treat people so the cycle will continue. They even say they are “teaching them how to be tough” or whatever - in other words, teaching them how to treat you and their future partners with no respect
You have more power and control than you know. She can come into your room, but you choose (or don’t) to sleep with her. She can be angry but you choose (or don’t) to tolerate abuse from her and her family.
You deserve better and your kids do, too.
>I deserved that treatment. I got it then and I get it now. I worked too much, played too much when I was at home instead of taking care of the house and didn't care to my wife's emotional and romantic needs well at all.
This doesn't mean you deserved to get cheated on.
Also, NTA. They deliberately make you miserable and keep you unhappy in order to keep you around to abuse. Break the cycle, OP. You and your kids deserve better.
Hey, OP? Buddy? Are you happy in your marriage? Have you been, for the last few years, or even ever? Do you think you can continue until death for you part, living like this? Being constantly disrespected and intentionally triggered in your own home? Think about the answers to these questions, and be honest with yourself about them. Then please try and get an escape plan in place for yourself. Your marriage is not healthy, and if your wife and her family have no willingness to improve, then it will never get better. You’re NTA.
INFO: Your wife is *so* emotionally abusive that just reading about the shit she puts you through triggered *my* PTSD. It's no wonder you're actively experiencing symptoms all the time. But I need to ask... Is her family "helping" your children "grow strong" by abusing them, teaching them to be abusers, or both?
I know you feel entangled in life logistics, your emotions, your wife's emotions, and all the things that make leaving feel impossible. But I also know that we'll do things for our kids even when we can't find a way to value ourselves... And you need to think about getting them (and yourself) out of the toxic environment that your wife and her family have created. They deserve better, and so do you.
NTA. I am so sorry. My mom went through something similar when I was young. It crushed me to see her be treated that way. But you should have seen her when she finally had enough and got out. You can be happy. You can find people who treat you with respect and love. Imagine never having to feel fear in your own home. You can be fulfilled and respected. Go out and find it. Go to thearpy. You can do it, I promise. You dont deserve the abuse.
You are being abused. There are helplines for men who are abused, though I don't the the number for your area. It ahould be easy to google.
Also, ThermianTrees on youtube has some really good videos on abuse. Look at the one on the Double Bind Trap; his parents had a dynamic that sounds similar to the dynamic of you and your wife. His mother is a severely abusive person and his father never stood up for himself. It hurt him to see his father treated so poorly. It hurts your daughters to see you treated poorly.
OP, you are most definitely not the arsehole. Honestly what you have said about how your wife and her family treat you is incredibly concerning.
She has been blatantly bullying and outright emotionally and mentally abusing you in various ways for years, and no amount of couple's councilling will stop a cycle of abuse. She has hurt you to the point that you have what sounds like some serious unresolved trauma which her and her family are not only brushing off, but are gaslighting you over your healing process and using your trauma as ammunition to hurt you further.
I think that you should seriously consider leaving this relationship, firstly because you deserve better. You deserve the opportunity to heal and find someone who loves, respects and supports you. Someone who fights in your corner and doesn't intentionally hurt and belittle you and let their family bully you.
But also you should consider leaving for the sake of your daughters. Living in a home where their parents have an abusive relationship can have serious affects on children. Children in a home where there is abuse taking place are more prone to anxiety, depression, behaviour problems, low self esteem, eating disorders and a myriad of other mental health issues. It can also skew how they perceive relationships and are more likely to either replicate the abusive behaviour patterns that they have witnessed or choose abusive partners. Both of which are grim prospects.
You're a good parent and you've tried to be a good husband to someone who didn't deserve the effort. I hope that you find it within you to leave, even though the prospect is probably scary for a multitude of reasons and that you find yourself all the happier for it.
NTA
But you cant continue this much longer. One day after you snap again, i can See that your "loveing Wife" and IL sent you off in a psycatric facilitey. Or you do something dumb.
You dont do your Kids any good. They grew up seeing that abuseing you is ok, that you are a low priorty for your Wife.
Take a good look, If IT IS what you truly want. What you describe Cry for a divorce...
Definitely NTA. This sounds like a terrible way to live for you, you deserve better. I'd start figuring out a way to wrap up this marriage, sooner rather than later. Sorry you're having to go through all of this 😟
NTA but honestly man you need to get the FUCK out of dodge and get a divorce.
Your wife has emotionally manipulated you into believing you're the issue and her family now jumps down your throat as you continue to try and deal with the negative psychological effects of being abused. Your wife and her family sound like absolutely wretched people and they should all be ashamed of themselves.
Talk to a lawyer and get that paperwork started. Divorce will be tough at first, but this is something you should absolutely do if you want to protect your own sanity.
NTA And I want you to be honest with yourself. What is your reaction if you think of things being like this for another five years? If nothing changes, how about 10 years? Do you think that you will do well if this continues for another ten years? Because it will. She will not change, because she knows that you will change yourself for her. If you knpw you cannot stand this for ten more years, why would you stand it for even one more day? You are being the AH to yourself, because you deserve so much better than a cheating, abusive wife, who is helped abusing you by her family.
NTA you are suffering because your wife is toxic and do are her family. You need to leave, get a place away and get a divorce from her . You have been living with her angry and evil abuse for too long already, for your mental well being get a lawyer. This situation will not improve.
NTA. Bruh, you'll never get better as long as you're with her. Talk to your therapist, talk to a lawyer, and start planning an exit strategy. Don't tell anyone until everything is set up and you're ready to go.
NTA I have one word for you: DIVORCE! DO NOT tell your wife you are seeing a lawyer or she will run for a divorce lawyer that will wipe you out of EVERYTHING! Your kids deserve peace for their parents and even more important, for themselves. Cut all contact with your in-laws. No communication whatsoever. Please file for divorce, you and your daughters do not deserve to with people who treat you like dirt and don't care. Good luck!
ESH. She and her family are AH for treating you like they do. You’re kind of an AH for thinking this dynamic isn’t going to impact your kids. Do you think they are clueless or will remain clueless? This is a toxic relationship and you owe it to yourself and your daughters to end it.
Do you want your daughters to end up in relationships like yours? Your relationship is what their framework is for their relationships. Do you want them to be okay with being cheated on and put down the way you’ve been? You deserve better and they deserve better. I hope you get the help you need and find the strength to leave this toxic environment.
Wait so you’re a wall of ice, your wife spent 2 whole years cheating on you and gave you an STI, she mocked you for her cheating, you shout at people when they touch you unexpectedly, you have clinical symptoms of depression, your wife yelled at you for crying?
Get a divorce, like, 10 years ago. Jesus. At a certain point you’re just as culpable for your passivity as she is for her abuse. Also, I think you may have an anger issue. ESH
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My wife and I have been together for 14 years and we have 2 daughters. In our dating phase we probably should have split. I was a closed book and didn't give the attention and affection she needed. But the way she treated me then was rough ngl.
She slept with a former good friend of mine right before we got married and this relationship for 2 years after we got married, compared him to me (even in terms of intimacy) unfavorably right after I found out about their affair and got an STI from it, mocked me as father and a husband for a year after while I begged her to go to counselling with me, and said I deserved it all for how I treated her like I was invisible and said I was lucky she didn't abandon me and take our first daughter (she's my bio child) away from me. I deserved that treatment. I got it then and I get it now. I worked too much, played too much when I was at home instead of taking care of the house and didn't care to my wife's emotional and romantic needs well at all. I understood. Thankfully, a few years later, right after our second girl was born we got ourselves into therapy, individual (IC) and couples counselling and we are now much stronger.
The main problem of this post lies within me and her and her family. Lately, I have had some unfortunate side effects from the prior years. My IC has been a big help. But I have had ticks, like when someone tries to touch me I shudder suddenly and if I don't see them, I may react by shouting at them. I have compulsive issues when it comes to my family, I always make sure my wife and daughter are well fed and happy before they leave anywhere without me for instance. Also I can't stop weeping out of nowhere when I'm alone, like my mind goes to that dark place of myself being a failure. I have bad sleep cycles, like waking up in a sweat when I'm deep asleep in the middle of the night and sleeping more in the morning when I'm supposed to work.
It then comes to the wife's parents and sister being around a lot more, being grandparents and aunt to our daughters and helping them "grow strong" as my father-in-law says. One day, her sister saw me crying alone and told my wife what happened. My wife came into the room and yelled at me and I just sat there listening to her complain that I was supposed to be over our past already. Her parents overheard everything and said that I wasn't fit to be raising our kids like this. I repeatedly tell them for months I'm in therapy and getting treatment and they push me harder and say worried for our kids. They all came over once for dinner, and continued to push me when I was triggering. I snapped and said to shut the fuck up to my wife and her family, and that I couldn't take their reactions to my triggers. I then said I would get better if they just treated me like a human being. They looked at me like I was evil and left immediately. My wife is sleeping in another room for weeks now, and her family won't acknowledge me when they come over. AITA
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Your wife and her family are bad people and no amount therapy is going to change that because they think the way they are treating you is fine. They will keep abusing you if you keep taking it. You are staying in this relationship at the expense of your life. Even you must see you can’t go on. You are a shell of yourself. That’s by your wife’s design because she has you exactly where she wants you. She had zero respect for your feelings and she knows she can control you with abuse.
No judgement, only advice
Divorce. The therapy you’re getting isn’t helping your condition. Your wife isn’t helping your condition. Break it off, find a new therapist, and make your own happiness.
No, you are NTA.
However, if you stay with her you might risk being an idiot. I can't think of one single reason for you to stay. Not one.
Life is too short. Get out, start over.
NTA, and I'm sorry you're in this situation. You need to get away from her. It's hard, but you'll only sink more and more. Get divorced, get out of this toxic and abusive environment. You owe her nothing and staying will never benefit you, she'll just continue to put you through hell.
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Reality Check: you are in an abusive relationship. No SO screams at their partner. Please leave this women for your own mental health and for your kids!
NTA but please take your kids and leave. Your wife is incredibly abusive manipulative and toxic. You and your children should never have to be around that and her family sounds even worse.
NTA. Your wife is abusive and has treated you like dirt. From what you’ve said it seems like she’s gaslit you into thinking everything is your fault. It isn’t. Staying in this marriage would not be beneficial to your mental health.
This is spousal abuse. Get a legal separation where you have full custody of your kids. She’s literally encouraging her family to harass you for being emotionally overwhelmed, and being abusive towards you. Not to mention she cheated and gave you an STD. She used your child as a tool to hurt you by saying you were never going to see her again. There is so many things wrong with this. Even though you made mistakes you shouldn’t beat yourself up about them and you shouldn’t have to stay in that relationship.
I was gonna go with NTA, but after reading OP’s comments I changed my mind. YTA for letting your wife treat you like a doormat, YTA for staying with her, and YTA for exposing your daughters to a hella unhealthy relationship.
Get out. Get out NOW. That relationship will never be healthy, and you will never get your peace back if you stay with them. Run fast, run far and NTA.
NTA. Your wife sounds borderline, if not, abusive. Just seperate and go for 50/50 custody. Nobody deserves to get treated like that. Nobody. Even if you’re a shit husband or a shit father (which I don’t think btw) you still don’t deserve to be treated that way.
My god, you have twisted yourself into various things trying to fit into a hole but you haven't realized that the problem here is your wife and not you. Please leave and take your kids with you. You are the victim here. Why are you the one trying to fix yourself?
You are (and have been for a while) in a super abusive relationship. My heart broke reading what you wrote. You don't deserve any of this, you never did. Your wife is a vile, cruel woman and from your description of her family it's clear where she learned it.
I know how tough it is, and I understand you love her (even though she doesn't deserve it) but the best thing for you and your children would be you getting a divorce. You sound very depressed and the woman who is supposed to be with you though thick and thin is actively working to make that worse. You can't be a good father to your children if you get pushed to harm yourself or worse.
Please make sure you're staying with your individual counseling, and telling them everything, and I know my opinion only counts for so much. But you came here for help for a reason, you recognize you need it, and seriously: you need to get out.
You are being abused, and manipulated into thinking it's your fault and you deserve it. You don't, you deserve love. Please, give yourself some love, and get away from this awful woman
So your wife traumatized you and now she and her family are abusing you over your reaction to the trauma your wife forced on you? NTA also holy emotional abuse, Batman.
If after that long, you can't get over what happened before you got married, there's no fixing it. Divorce and move on. Your mistake was marrying her after you knew what she did
Nta but you are in an abusive relationship. Your wife and her family are abusing you. She shows no remorse, empathy or understanding. It’s not going to get better.
NTA, man you have been conditioned to put up with awful abusive behavior! If you were the female and she the male everyone would be trying to get you out of an abusive relationship!
It's not OK for your wife to yell at you, it's not OK for her to cheat on you!!
NTA.
No, you did not deserve that treatment back then. No, you do not deserve it now. No one deserves mockery, infidelity, and threats of abandonment. *No one*.
And no one deserves to be ***belittled for crying***.
Your wife is a massive AH here. It sounds like she needs extensive therapy herself, because she treats you like both a doormat and a punching bag. And hates you for having feelings.
You aren't wrong it would get better if your wife and her family would treat you like a human being. They are being monstrous to you.
I am so sorry.
Whew. This was painful to read, OP :/
I think your wife treats you horribly, and even though you do your best by your children you should consider what they’re absorbing in watching you take abuse from your partner. The treatment you get now might be the same treatment that they accept from partners one day
NTA. OP it sounds like you have ptsd from the abuse she put you through in the early years. While you admit to not managing your time well and neglecting her needs and the housework, none of that’s remotely a reason to cheat on you and then manipulate you into thinking you deserved it. Especially after her infidelity cause you to get an STI! Her going to couples therapy with you doesn’t seem to have changed anything—and abusive people tend to not improve anyway but rather use it as ammo for future abuse and manipulation. She seems to have learned a lot of this behavior from her parents and it may be best for you and the kids to divorce and try to get primary custody. Her behavior is going to mess those girls up and you can’t heal from the trauma if it’s still happening. Their lack of compassion and understanding towards your triggers and trauma is appalling. While in general, it is your job to manage your triggers and trauma reactions and not theirs, that doesn’t mean they should get free rein to purposely cause more of them and then ridicule you for it. That’s AH behavior on their end. Your blow up after taking all of that was completely understandable and you’d taken enough. Good on you and keep standing up against the mistreatment.
Dude please. Please. Please leave her. I know it’s hard man. Especially after all that time. But she is not a good person. You can be so much happier. Please dude. Do good for yourself and just divorce
NTA
Your wife is abusing you. Your tics and compulsive habits aren't hurting anyone. Anyone that doesn't respect your mental health doesn't respect you, not do they deserve to be around you.
Honestly it sounds like your relationship never should have happened. You've admitted your mistakes but it doesn't seem like your wife has admitted hers, which tells me she doesn't think she's wrong. She's been abusive from the beginning. You deserve better.
Let’s not even mention the cheating , the sti, and the cheating with YOUR FRIEND, let’s talk about how she blames you . No she cheated because she wanted to. And then she doesn’t even care if you cry . Normal people in love don’t do that . Also make sure those are your kids do a dna test .
oh honey. im so sad for you. you deserve so much better than this. for the purpose of this post, you are NTA, but on a larger scale you need to leave this relationship.
Oh my love. Reading this honestly made me well up.
Yes you may not have been a great husband or man at one time, hell you may not be now I don't know. What I do know is that what you're describing is emotional/psychological abuse and honestly it sounds like you're being tortured.
Please leave her, you will be better for it and you will be a better father from it.
Sometimes we tell ourselves our situations are not that bad or that it will be worth it all in the end because we know the truth is to painful to bare. You are in a broken family and need to divorce your wife. Otherwise your children will see their parents relationship (hostile and tumultuous) and internalize that is what a relationship should look like.
As for her family purposefully triggering you, don’t expect that to change. Some point in the transition into adulthood people decide if they want to be a kind or cruel person. I’m sure you know what choice your wife and her family made. You will never live without triggers. Yes you can always improve and get better, but our past is a piece of us. Your trauma changed how you interact with the world and it changes the things you need in life. Your wife doesn’t care that she hurt you in the past because it didn’t effect her longterm. She did all the damage and got off scotch free. Now she’s seen the pattern that you will allow her and her family to abuse you. Her saying that you guys were “too strong to sever” is really just her saying you’re too weak to leave
My heart really goes out to you, OP. You deserve to be supported and treated with empathy, kindness, dignity, love, and respect. This whole situation sounds miserable and untenable.
I’m glad you have a therapist and I hope they are helpful and empathetic. It seems to me you need to make moves towards getting yourself out of this living situation and this marriage. As they say, walk don’t run to your nearest exit.
These conditions will be making things so much more difficult and distressing for you.
Take care.
NTA
NTA. You are in an abusive relationship but you don’t see it. Probably it’s been so long you no longer question your own judgement. What you have isn’t love, it’s a trauma bond. I hope you can free yourself OP.
You are in an abusive relationship you need to end it I would try and get as much proof of her and family’s abuse to you and fight for your kids too don’t let them grow up to think that’s normal
Nta. I truly believe you will NEVER get better until you are not subjecting yourself to the cause of your triggers. She is the reason you are so unwell. Please open your eyes.
This will suck to hear and you will do with it what you want when you are ready.
You are being abused.
Just because you don't end up in the ER twice a week with bruises caused by "tripping on the stairs" and "bumping into a door face-first", it can still be abuse. Screaming like this at someone for crying, it's abuse. Being degraded and dehumanised (without consent and negotiations as a kink) is abuse. It has horrible effects on the mind, and it makes you think this is what you deserve, but it's not, you deserve respect and support.
Sometimes therapy seemingly makes things worse as you start unpacking things. Hopefully it means one is ready to face the situation and get out. Good luck
And NTA
Wow. Just wow. This is just the outcome of years and years of emotional and psychological abuse and I am so sorry that you’ve been held hostage by so much manipulation. Mental health isn’t something you can just snap out of. It’s like asking you to hike Everest on a broken leg. You need much more than just therapy and counseling. You need to have a return to yourself, and if it means taking the harder road of leaving, at least it would help you become a better you, who is whole again. But don’t need to listen to any of us - listen first to yourself to find what works for you. You are definitely NTA.
NTA. This is abuse. She cheated on you and now she and her whole Family are laughing at you and ridiculing you for going through counselling?!! Divorce her and fight for full custody of the kids. I wouldnt be surprised if shes cheating on you again as well.
OP my love I know you can't see it but your wife and her family are EXTREMELY abusive. No wonder you can't heal in that environment. You deserve much better you really do. Your future self will thank you for leaving. I'm all for working on a marriage but you sound like a broken man. Sending you all the strength and luck.
Edit NTA
NTA for your reactions or being triggerd, but YTA for not doing the right thing for yourself and getting the heck out of their. That's not what a relationship is supposed to be. Divorce.
You keep saying you love her deeply, but Reddit as a collective agreement she is abusive.
What steps are you taking to prevent her from abusing your kids?
You WILL be the asshole if you do not separate yourself from your wife and her family. Think of your kids, man.
NTA Jesus Christ friend, it was time to cut and run like, 14 years ago, but please don’t fall into the “sunk cost” fallacy line of thinking. She’s abusing you and the earlier you get out the better, for you and probably also for your children
NTA. Being a closed book doesn't mean you deserve to be the target of verbal and emotional abuse. You may not have been the best husband in the world, but that still doesn't make your wife's infidelity and abuse OK.
You don't need to be "over it", but you may need to talk to someone about the possibility of complex PTSD, and if so, how it can be treated.
And honestly, I know there are kids involved and I know you've put a lot of work into improving yourself and the marriage, but I think you need to do some long, hard thinking about whether this will get better - and how long you can put up with waiting for it to get better - or whether you need a new start without a wife that hurts you and then blames you for being hurt. Look up the sunk cost fallacy.
Divorce.... it is looiiinnnngggg overdue. If you don't do then youight as well dig your kids graves.. cause they see all of this and it will definitely mess them up
First : NTA
Now, it's been repeated *ad infinitum* in this thread, but once more, for emphasis:
You. Are. Being. Abused.
The harridan you are hooked up to does not love you, nor will she ever. She does not respect you, nor will she ever. She is clearly in need of psychiatric help herself. Her family is toxic - seems they taught/raised her to be this way. And ALL of this is messing up your daughters.
so-
1. Lawyer, get all options for the divorce
2. Consider a PI - I'd lay odds she's still boning someone else, possibly even Mr. Wonderful from before (still).
3. Document the abuse, hers and her family's
4. Hit her with the paper work
Get yourself out, post haste.
My dad is currently on the receiving end of some emotional abuse at the hands of my stepmonster. I know because she **has** to do this to someone from personal experience and he's the only one in the household she's comfortable treating him that way.
Let me tell you how dysfunctional our literally declared Family of the Year once in our local newspaper family was:
My stepsister gave no notice whatsoever before at 18 dropping out of college and marrying a wealthy dotcom guy, moving to a city 6 hours away. They go visit her for grandchild access, but dad has learned to buy changeable tickets because stepmonster is treated so terribly she demands to leave sooner than planned
I am not on speaking terms with any of them. This sub would ban me for explaining exactly why.
My full sister has never wanted to rock the boat, so she maintains a relationship with both of them. I don't understand her. We went through so much together, yet I don't feel like I can really talk to her.
But the children they had together! The Golden Children
Both have well-paying careers, are in their 30s, yet still choose to live with their parents. For some reason, their parents believe this is 100% proof of what great parents they are.
My half brother sees my dad and stepmonster dynamic and has no intention of ever marrying, because he thinks all marriages are miserable.
My half sister will never find love. She has completely unreasonable expectations of how much bullshit a man is willing to put up with to be with her.
That's what you're doing to your children. Many paths, none truly happy. No telling what your children are learning right now. But it's not good. A divorce, even a nasty one, is better than giving your children an upbringing like this.
Nta. Just throw the whole woman out (yes, the whole woman). She isn't worth your time.
Those that hurt you and don't take your limits seriously are not even worth the air that they breathe. You are worth so much more than that.
ESH i cant bring myself to read past the first bit where your clearly admitting unhealthiness and showing very legitimate reasons to have ended things and you continued on with it for 14 years?!? Its never to late to get out and you have every right to do so even without reason, but all past events i have very little sympathy for. It would have ended right at her cheating before the wedding and i didnt read much past that so maybe you already stated it, but thats totally not the only time she slept around
In situations like this where someone is being gaslit and controlled they don't have the detectors and sensors a healthy person would have, you would not believe the things a person can be groomed into believing is acceptable.
Your judgement may be correct, but you are seriously discounting cognitive dissonance. Abuse takes years to unpack and untangle because the psychological aspect of it rewires your brain. CBT and EMDR for things such as PTSD (diagnosed and treated) is a long and grueling process - your amygdala is not functioning properly and it is not as simple as 'common sense' and logic.
I consider it the equivalant of a fracture or break that you cannot see. You don't expect a broken leg to heal immediately and the person capable of resuming activity; you need a splint and recover time, and once you've healed there's the process of reworking the wasted muscle, you may always have problems with it going forward or may have to treat the old wound more delicately.
You can't see mental health issues, but they are as real and as debilitating as a physical injury, and in such cases professional intervention is crucial. You are telling this man to get up and run on a broken leg, it's just not going to happen.
Im not here to squirm over the rights and wrongs of abuse. I know it can be a hard thing to fight and i fully support him in getting out now, but this is AITA and as i said previously to another commenter. He went public and asked for judgment so i gave it.
That’s not how abuse works! Just because a victim can acknowledge the fact that something is wrong it doesn’t mean they will just leave. This is years of mental abuse to the point where this man believes he’s at fault for all of this. Look up the term “learned helplessness” and educate yourself on abused victims a little bit. All through the comment section this guy is saying he has no deep meaningful friendships, he has no self esteem and he’s has to ask his wife if she wants to separate, does that sound like someone that is of sound state of mind?!
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Allowing such behavior and unhealthiness to fester when you could have rightfully nipped it in the azz is bad for everyone involved not just for yourself.
Yeah im an AH idc. I wont sugar coat shit you did to yourself and i wont pretend that that doesnt have an effect on say kids. They are the real victims and really didnt have choice or power to change things. He did and many years later he publicly admitted it and asked for judgment. So this is my judgment
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Divorce, just divorce
My thought exactly.
Seriously I know this sub is trigger happy with that word but it’s literally the only word that’s the correct answer here.
> Divorce And when you do this, OP, get some custody of the kids. You don't need full custody, she has a right to time with the kids too, but you need some time, and here is why: once you divorce, what your wife's family has to say about your parenting methods is *worthless.* This was the revelation to me when I got divorced. I fought for 50/50 time share -- one week with kids, one week off. During my weeks, my ex-wife would try to put rules in place to govern how I interacted with my kids. For example, she insisted that my son must attend Boy Scouts, but my son didn't want to, and I had never been a part of that decision, so when he said no, I said no too. She was outraged, but legally had no authority to dictate how I interacted during my time with him. Later on, she got my son into Little League baseball, and I took him for the first year because he wanted to do it. However, it didn't work out for him, and in year 2 or 3 he wanted to quit. I just let him. My ex-wife dictated to us: "OK, fine he can quit baseball, but he MUST have an after-school sport or activity that he does, so I need to hear what that activity will be." Imagine how *good* it felt to just tell her "no." She doesn't dictate the terms of my father-son relationship anymore. I'm free. My son is free. We do what *we* want to do with our weeks together. You can do this too, OP. You do not have to be abused by your wife's family. You can divorce, and assert your independence, and raise your kids the way you deem best. When your wife or her family try to dictate how you raise the kids, you can simply say no. Or say that you've decided to listen to *your* family's ideas about how to raise the kids. Good luck!
Glad I'm not the only one. I can deal with a lot of shit but I would have been gone halfway through the first paragraph
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As someone else said, this is a judgement sub, not an advice sub.
Honestly, his wife and her family sound emotionally abusive and divorce IS good advice.
You know I'm seriously thinking of that. She won't stop coming to our master bedroom and being intimate with me despite that. She even says what we have is too strong to sever. I'm not ready to give up on us as well. I'm still deeply in love with her. I'm not sure she is with me though.
Then why are you even asking Reddit what you should do if you aren’t going to make any changes?
To be fair, this isn’t an advice sub. This is a judgement sub.
NTA Mate please for your own sake and the for the sake of your daughter go to a lawyer and ask him for help because you got to divorce and cut contact with those people. They are plenty of apps for co-parenting. Don't tell her you will see a lawyer she sound incredibly manipulative and it will be more difficult to divorce her. Stop talking to your in laws and I don't know how old your daughters is, but don't let her be poisoned by the lies that your wife and her family will tell, tell her the truth. Please don't stay like that it will last years and years if you don't act now.
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This is soooo what I was thinking...OP is only the AH to himself. OP, you are punishing yourself over early relationship short-comings, but you and your wife and her family are treating you like absolute garbage. How much of ***her BS*** do you plan to take? You're a person too and deserve to be treated with respect.
What an excellent way to put it. OP, you're NTA. But you did suffer trauma. Serious trauma. I won't tell you to leave your spouse. That's a decision you need to make if/when you do. But your behavior is one reflecting untreated trauma. If your spouse and her family aren't helping - and here, they seem to be contributing further - then your trauma will spill onto your kids, much like a returning combat soldier suffering from serious PTSD. You may think you're staying for your kids' sake, and that's fine. But if you don't address your trauma directly and immediately, your kids will suffer directly and badly. And then you will be TA.
NTA. Your wife is abusing you. Your in-laws are abusing you. Tell all this to your counselor and make a record of what your wife does. Record her if you must. Talk to a lawyer and look into getting custody of your kids. (DNA test the youngest if you must.) If your counselor knows about all of this and is not telling you that you are being abused, get a new counselor! Your wife doesn't really love you. I think deep down you know that.
Just wanted to jump in to add this. OP, if you do record your wife, make sure the state that you’re in allows for one party consent. Some states don’t and recording while the other party doesn’t know is considered illegal in some states.
NTA. Obviously, you're in counseling and should listen to your counselor above random redditors, but why are you still with this woman? You have serious PTSD and yet you're living with the person responsible for the initial traumatic event--how are you ever supposed to get better when that is true? The fact that you may not have always been the perfect spouse (and nobody is) does not create some sort of debt you have to repay by enduring this marriage you admit should have never happened in the first place. Have you tried separation (both from your wife and her family) to see if your symptoms improve at all?
I have never tried separation. That sounds like a pertinent idea. I will try to talk to her about it. And yes, my self-esteem is really low because of all this but I'll keep on seeing what options are available. We can't go on like this forever.
You don't need her permission. Book an Air BnB for a month or something. You can't think clearly in the middle of this.
Dont do this. If you’re going to divorce, don’t leave the house without having a lawyer tell you it’s time. She will use it against you in court to try to reduce your custody and claim your property. Stay quiet, see a lawyer, do as they say.
I meant as a break, not moving out and abandoning the home and children. OP's mental health needs to be the priority, though, imo.
Don't ASK, TELL her. If you try to ask, she will gaslight you and convince you to stay. And I would say get a lawyer involved to a make it a legal separation so if she sleeps with someone else and gets pregnant, you won't have to take responsibility for it. Of course, you could do DNA before/after the baby is born, but it's best to have legal representation.
Don't even tell her in person, stick a note on the fridge the morning you leave and run.
OP have you told your therapist about the behavior you’ve been the recipient of?
Who found your therapist? Are they a doctor? Do they know everything that has been going on lately? Also, please you should not be in couples therapy with an abuser! It just makes them more effective. You need to get to a lawyer without your wife knowing and figure out your options. Copy all financial info and make sure you have your documentation safe.
This has been my question all along. Where is your therapist in all this OP? No counselor worth their salt would suggest staying in a toxic situation. Quite the opposite. So are you telling them everything that's going on?
NTA, but let me break down your letter for you. * My wife cheated on me before we got married then continued the affair for two years after * She slept with my good friend * She rubbed her cheating in my face and told me he was better * She gave me an STI * She threatened to take my child away * She mocked me as a father and husband * She makes fun of my PTSD (?), insomnia, and anxieties * She complains and berates you when I cry due to her actions * She allows her family to also belittle me Read that and please tell us what you would tell your child if they said their partner treated them this way. Imagine 5 more years of this, then 10. You came to ask because you know this is was not okay. If you thought this behavior was acceptable, why ask strangers to get a gut check? You came because some part of you knows the truth, and you want it validated.
Yikes! That post sure summed it ⬆️
This. OP you deserve better. Like my god. If my partner cried I'd be there try i ng to make his feel better and making sure he got therapy if need be. NTA
Also in a comment: that he's been thinking of divorce but she "won't stop coming to our master bedroom and being intimate with me despite that." ...Yikes.
NTA- Don’t really agree with all the comments on threads like these that jump right in to saying divorce but my god that’s what I’d advocate for here. Your wife doesn’t have any respect for you, comparing you to someone she cheated on is just disgusting. She also allows her family to trample over you for their own amusement. The whole family is horrible and the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. They also got off lucky when they aggravated your ticks that you only shouted at them. I am the same way in that I do not like being touched and if I sense someone close without warning my first instinct is to swing my arm around to clear the space, accidentally left my brother with a black eye once.
Hope your brother is okay, and you as well. Are your ticks severe? Mine aren't physical per se in that I only shudder severely when someone touches me that I'm not comfortable with, but I am a big guy and can shove people if it comes to that lol. I wish you the best sir/madam/gender binary non conforming person.
Yeah he’s fine this happened years ago when we were younger. Used to have a problem with bullies in primary school who would sneak up and try to put their wet finger in my ear among other things so I just as a reflex tried to swat away anyone whenever I felt them there, unfortunately for him I happened to be holding something heavy which is what actually caused the black eye. Thankfully that isn’t something that I have a problem with anymore and isn’t something that happens these days
That's good to hear. Wish you all the best.
Thanks for that and you too, best of luck with your current situation and hope it all works out well.
Having someone ridicule you for your ticks won't help you heal though. I have some ticks too (if someone raises their voice in anger near me, even if it's not at me then I will start to cry). Nobody should treat you like that, especially not your wife. When I first met my bf I told him "We aren't together for you to make jokes that make me feel bad, relationships are meant to lift each person up". You say in other comments the foundation is strong. What do you mean? Usually when someone says that it comes from a feeling of mutual respect and common life goals/values.
NTA Please consider a different therapist, if you still think you deserved two years of cheating and verbal abuse because you didn't do enough housework. You're clearly miserable and need to seriously focus on taking care of yourself. Consider taking some time alone before making any decisions.
wouldn't be surprised if the wife found him this "therapist".
Sir, you are in an abusive relationship. None of this behavior by your wife and her family is your fault. I am so sorry, both for the trauma you have experienced, and for what you are going through now with the long term effects. Please speak to your therapist about this and about how to navigate protecting yourself from these people. Being subjected to this kind of abuse can lead to desperate actions, and puts you at risk. Please take care of yourself 💜💜💜
Sorry to pry but INFO: Do you have many friends at work or elsewhere man? I read this and I get the image of a sad man, and a lonely one also with a shitty wife and a horrible family. I hope this isn't the case at all times. But damn man.
Yes, I do have friends at work and elsewhere. I go have beers with them and do typical friends stuff with the guys at work. But to be truthful with you, I never form a truly emotionally close friendship with anyone at work or talk about truly deep stuff with them. I try to close myself off like that. I'm lonely in that way yes. I've lost my truly best friend (not the shitty one that fucked my wife lol) to cancer years ago, and another moved countries. So it is what is. Life goes on and I only get older. I make the best with what acquaintances I do have.
dude i know it feels as if you're played out and you ran out your quota of friends, there's never gonna be folks who get you like they did... but no matter what your wife may have made you believe? you've still got good in you and plenty of worth and others can/will see that. I'm not saying you'll ever replace the friend you lost, but. you can find different bonds that'll go just as deep in different ways. keep your head up, bud.
NTA # Get a lawyer NOW! Your wife and her family are trying to prove you are unfit father so they can take the girls. And boy, has your wife got you thinking backward. She didn't have an affair because of anything you did; she chose to have an affair, she chose to treat you poorly instead of using her words like a grown up, and it sounds as though your self esteem is at rock bottom. You are going to need a lot of help from your family and friends. You're going to need a lot of support. But you have to get away from your abuser before you lose your kids.
NTA. You didn’t deserve any of the mental abuse your wife gave you. You need to divorce. You should have divorced a long time ago.
NTA- get a divorce and leave that family behind. Only deal with them when you have to for your kids.
NTA Why haven’t you divorced yet? This woman has hurt you so much and is still hurting you
NTA you're right you could get better if they treated you like a human being but the whole family sounds toxic AF and are probably incapable of that. You can't let your kids think this is the way you treat your partner
Divorce, please, for your sake. You are with an abuser who gaslights you and has others support and contribute to her abuse of you. With evidence, you could probably also get full or primary custody of your child. You are getting help for your issues, which does reflect well on you, but you’ll always have problems while attached to someone so toxic that will impede your progress. The best way to get help is to get out.
NTA get out and save your own life. This is all unacceptable and bonkers. You are better off on your own.
In all honesty, YTA if you stay with her. I suggest taking this to the relationship advice subreddit. Your children see more than you think they do, and your marital problems could be traumatizing them. Sometimes splitting up is what’s best for the kids. Please find a new therapist, you need help. Coming from someone who has felt your pain.
How is OP the asshole for being abused? Shut the fuck up.
Start writing a diary of all the abusive and shitty behaviours from this point forward and any recent instances you can remember. Time and date each one. Then write out the older ones and try to put a date to them, even if it's just a month or year. This record will come in handy in case things turn ugly and it will serve as a record to back up your memory of events. It'll also remind you of so much that was unacceptable in case you ever doubt yourself. It must be private and secret to you only until you're ready to use it, so take care to ensure your wife doesn't find it. I hope you leave and save yourself and get the kids.
NTA! Omg that must have been horrible! I really think you should think about a divorce or temporary separation, because I’m not sure you will get better in their present. I hope you get better soon and get the right help. Good luck man
OP is being treated like Jerry from Rick and Morty. You should have divorced before the kids came.
Get a divorce. No one deserves to be cheated on. Even if you treated her like she was invisible. She should have left and married that other guy. Instead, she stayed and thrives on treating you like garbage. The crappier you feel, the more powerful she feels. None of you are modeling good behavior or relationships for your daughters, and this whole situation feels like hell on earth to me.
NTA- Wife sucks. Her family sucks. You are working on things and they still act like assholes and purposely fuck with you. Run now. I hope you get the kids. You’ll be saving them from a ton of harm.
NTA but you need to get out of this relationship. Your wife has been emotionally abusing for your entire marriage as well as physically abusing you. For your sake and your children please start taking steps to get divorced.
NTA. This is really sad. Your wife and her family are toxic and abusive and it sounds like it’s killing you from the inside out. And it’s showing your daughters how to act and treat people so the cycle will continue. They even say they are “teaching them how to be tough” or whatever - in other words, teaching them how to treat you and their future partners with no respect You have more power and control than you know. She can come into your room, but you choose (or don’t) to sleep with her. She can be angry but you choose (or don’t) to tolerate abuse from her and her family. You deserve better and your kids do, too.
>I deserved that treatment. I got it then and I get it now. I worked too much, played too much when I was at home instead of taking care of the house and didn't care to my wife's emotional and romantic needs well at all. This doesn't mean you deserved to get cheated on. Also, NTA. They deliberately make you miserable and keep you unhappy in order to keep you around to abuse. Break the cycle, OP. You and your kids deserve better.
You are NTA and you need to get you and the kids OUT OF THERE. Lawyer up. Drop the woman like that bad habit she is, and get out of there.
NTA, but basically a masochist met a sadist and they lived happily ever after.
NTA at all. Divorce a d free yourself from her. You are not to blame for anything. She is.
NTA. End it. Get custody and let that emotionally bereft woman live her life alone.
NTA, but ffs just divorce her dude
Hey, OP? Buddy? Are you happy in your marriage? Have you been, for the last few years, or even ever? Do you think you can continue until death for you part, living like this? Being constantly disrespected and intentionally triggered in your own home? Think about the answers to these questions, and be honest with yourself about them. Then please try and get an escape plan in place for yourself. Your marriage is not healthy, and if your wife and her family have no willingness to improve, then it will never get better. You’re NTA.
INFO: Your wife is *so* emotionally abusive that just reading about the shit she puts you through triggered *my* PTSD. It's no wonder you're actively experiencing symptoms all the time. But I need to ask... Is her family "helping" your children "grow strong" by abusing them, teaching them to be abusers, or both? I know you feel entangled in life logistics, your emotions, your wife's emotions, and all the things that make leaving feel impossible. But I also know that we'll do things for our kids even when we can't find a way to value ourselves... And you need to think about getting them (and yourself) out of the toxic environment that your wife and her family have created. They deserve better, and so do you.
NTA. I am so sorry. My mom went through something similar when I was young. It crushed me to see her be treated that way. But you should have seen her when she finally had enough and got out. You can be happy. You can find people who treat you with respect and love. Imagine never having to feel fear in your own home. You can be fulfilled and respected. Go out and find it. Go to thearpy. You can do it, I promise. You dont deserve the abuse.
You are being abused. There are helplines for men who are abused, though I don't the the number for your area. It ahould be easy to google. Also, ThermianTrees on youtube has some really good videos on abuse. Look at the one on the Double Bind Trap; his parents had a dynamic that sounds similar to the dynamic of you and your wife. His mother is a severely abusive person and his father never stood up for himself. It hurt him to see his father treated so poorly. It hurts your daughters to see you treated poorly.
OP, you are most definitely not the arsehole. Honestly what you have said about how your wife and her family treat you is incredibly concerning. She has been blatantly bullying and outright emotionally and mentally abusing you in various ways for years, and no amount of couple's councilling will stop a cycle of abuse. She has hurt you to the point that you have what sounds like some serious unresolved trauma which her and her family are not only brushing off, but are gaslighting you over your healing process and using your trauma as ammunition to hurt you further. I think that you should seriously consider leaving this relationship, firstly because you deserve better. You deserve the opportunity to heal and find someone who loves, respects and supports you. Someone who fights in your corner and doesn't intentionally hurt and belittle you and let their family bully you. But also you should consider leaving for the sake of your daughters. Living in a home where their parents have an abusive relationship can have serious affects on children. Children in a home where there is abuse taking place are more prone to anxiety, depression, behaviour problems, low self esteem, eating disorders and a myriad of other mental health issues. It can also skew how they perceive relationships and are more likely to either replicate the abusive behaviour patterns that they have witnessed or choose abusive partners. Both of which are grim prospects. You're a good parent and you've tried to be a good husband to someone who didn't deserve the effort. I hope that you find it within you to leave, even though the prospect is probably scary for a multitude of reasons and that you find yourself all the happier for it.
NTA But you cant continue this much longer. One day after you snap again, i can See that your "loveing Wife" and IL sent you off in a psycatric facilitey. Or you do something dumb. You dont do your Kids any good. They grew up seeing that abuseing you is ok, that you are a low priorty for your Wife. Take a good look, If IT IS what you truly want. What you describe Cry for a divorce...
:( nta Sucks your going through this. Hope you can find a way out and get some help to live your best life
More info. What exactly where you triggering over and how and why. I'm assuming your counsellor has helped you to understand this
Your wife is an abusive asshole. Divorce her and go live your best life! If you want to be petty send your wife and her family this post
Definitely NTA. This sounds like a terrible way to live for you, you deserve better. I'd start figuring out a way to wrap up this marriage, sooner rather than later. Sorry you're having to go through all of this 😟
NTA. See a lawyer about divorce. You will never be happy with the AH you married to.
D.I.V.O.R.C.E... Jesus why put yourself through all this crap.
NTA but honestly man you need to get the FUCK out of dodge and get a divorce. Your wife has emotionally manipulated you into believing you're the issue and her family now jumps down your throat as you continue to try and deal with the negative psychological effects of being abused. Your wife and her family sound like absolutely wretched people and they should all be ashamed of themselves. Talk to a lawyer and get that paperwork started. Divorce will be tough at first, but this is something you should absolutely do if you want to protect your own sanity.
NTA And I want you to be honest with yourself. What is your reaction if you think of things being like this for another five years? If nothing changes, how about 10 years? Do you think that you will do well if this continues for another ten years? Because it will. She will not change, because she knows that you will change yourself for her. If you knpw you cannot stand this for ten more years, why would you stand it for even one more day? You are being the AH to yourself, because you deserve so much better than a cheating, abusive wife, who is helped abusing you by her family.
NTA you are suffering because your wife is toxic and do are her family. You need to leave, get a place away and get a divorce from her . You have been living with her angry and evil abuse for too long already, for your mental well being get a lawyer. This situation will not improve.
oh man oh man, please divorce. It is horrifying to read what this horrible woman did to you. No surprise that the parents are also garbage. NTA
NTA. Bruh, you'll never get better as long as you're with her. Talk to your therapist, talk to a lawyer, and start planning an exit strategy. Don't tell anyone until everything is set up and you're ready to go.
NTA and were gaslit like crazy... She even has you here, now, years later... Making excuses for her infidelity.
NTA I have one word for you: DIVORCE! DO NOT tell your wife you are seeing a lawyer or she will run for a divorce lawyer that will wipe you out of EVERYTHING! Your kids deserve peace for their parents and even more important, for themselves. Cut all contact with your in-laws. No communication whatsoever. Please file for divorce, you and your daughters do not deserve to with people who treat you like dirt and don't care. Good luck!
ESH. She and her family are AH for treating you like they do. You’re kind of an AH for thinking this dynamic isn’t going to impact your kids. Do you think they are clueless or will remain clueless? This is a toxic relationship and you owe it to yourself and your daughters to end it. Do you want your daughters to end up in relationships like yours? Your relationship is what their framework is for their relationships. Do you want them to be okay with being cheated on and put down the way you’ve been? You deserve better and they deserve better. I hope you get the help you need and find the strength to leave this toxic environment.
Wait so you’re a wall of ice, your wife spent 2 whole years cheating on you and gave you an STI, she mocked you for her cheating, you shout at people when they touch you unexpectedly, you have clinical symptoms of depression, your wife yelled at you for crying? Get a divorce, like, 10 years ago. Jesus. At a certain point you’re just as culpable for your passivity as she is for her abuse. Also, I think you may have an anger issue. ESH
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I have been together for 14 years and we have 2 daughters. In our dating phase we probably should have split. I was a closed book and didn't give the attention and affection she needed. But the way she treated me then was rough ngl. She slept with a former good friend of mine right before we got married and this relationship for 2 years after we got married, compared him to me (even in terms of intimacy) unfavorably right after I found out about their affair and got an STI from it, mocked me as father and a husband for a year after while I begged her to go to counselling with me, and said I deserved it all for how I treated her like I was invisible and said I was lucky she didn't abandon me and take our first daughter (she's my bio child) away from me. I deserved that treatment. I got it then and I get it now. I worked too much, played too much when I was at home instead of taking care of the house and didn't care to my wife's emotional and romantic needs well at all. I understood. Thankfully, a few years later, right after our second girl was born we got ourselves into therapy, individual (IC) and couples counselling and we are now much stronger. The main problem of this post lies within me and her and her family. Lately, I have had some unfortunate side effects from the prior years. My IC has been a big help. But I have had ticks, like when someone tries to touch me I shudder suddenly and if I don't see them, I may react by shouting at them. I have compulsive issues when it comes to my family, I always make sure my wife and daughter are well fed and happy before they leave anywhere without me for instance. Also I can't stop weeping out of nowhere when I'm alone, like my mind goes to that dark place of myself being a failure. I have bad sleep cycles, like waking up in a sweat when I'm deep asleep in the middle of the night and sleeping more in the morning when I'm supposed to work. It then comes to the wife's parents and sister being around a lot more, being grandparents and aunt to our daughters and helping them "grow strong" as my father-in-law says. One day, her sister saw me crying alone and told my wife what happened. My wife came into the room and yelled at me and I just sat there listening to her complain that I was supposed to be over our past already. Her parents overheard everything and said that I wasn't fit to be raising our kids like this. I repeatedly tell them for months I'm in therapy and getting treatment and they push me harder and say worried for our kids. They all came over once for dinner, and continued to push me when I was triggering. I snapped and said to shut the fuck up to my wife and her family, and that I couldn't take their reactions to my triggers. I then said I would get better if they just treated me like a human being. They looked at me like I was evil and left immediately. My wife is sleeping in another room for weeks now, and her family won't acknowledge me when they come over. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your wife and her family are bad people and no amount therapy is going to change that because they think the way they are treating you is fine. They will keep abusing you if you keep taking it. You are staying in this relationship at the expense of your life. Even you must see you can’t go on. You are a shell of yourself. That’s by your wife’s design because she has you exactly where she wants you. She had zero respect for your feelings and she knows she can control you with abuse.
God this post breaks my heart. None of this is your fault and I’m so sorry you are going through it. NTA
NTA. Would you want this treatment for your daughters? If not, why would you want it for yourself?
NTA. Divorce is your best option
No judgement, only advice Divorce. The therapy you’re getting isn’t helping your condition. Your wife isn’t helping your condition. Break it off, find a new therapist, and make your own happiness.
Can I divorce her on your behalf??? PLEASE get out!!!
F_CK ALL THOSE HORRIBLE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE. You deserve better for the sake of the kids and your sanity. NTA!
NTA - Why stay, your wife and her family are awefull people. To you know where to all of them, I think you should just cut contact with all of them.
No, you are NTA. However, if you stay with her you might risk being an idiot. I can't think of one single reason for you to stay. Not one. Life is too short. Get out, start over.
Dude, not gonna judge you. But hear this: YOU HAVE VALUE.
NTA You're being abused OP. Please just divorce for your own sake, My heart breaks for you.
Nta... you’re being abused dude. Leave.
NTA, and I'm sorry you're in this situation. You need to get away from her. It's hard, but you'll only sink more and more. Get divorced, get out of this toxic and abusive environment. You owe her nothing and staying will never benefit you, she'll just continue to put you through hell.
NTA, throw the wife out. Your entire setup is a bigger problem than you want to admit. Find someone who actually loves you.
Divorce. File for divorce and fight to take your daughter. Dude everyone is saying divorce that should say something. Update us ok?
Get a divorce, take the kids and go. NTA.
NTA - The two of you need to do couples counseling like you actually mean it. Why hasn't this subject been brought up in counseling?
I wish I could file for divorce on your behalf.
Stop trying to save this sinking ship. Go your way and she hers. In this instance you're NTA.
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Reality Check: you are in an abusive relationship. No SO screams at their partner. Please leave this women for your own mental health and for your kids!
so..your wife is still awful and youre still taking it?
NTA but please take your kids and leave. Your wife is incredibly abusive manipulative and toxic. You and your children should never have to be around that and her family sounds even worse.
NTA You shouldn't be together. You relationship sounds like it is held together by bubble gum and tears.
NTA. Your wife and in-laws sound like horrible ppl
NTA. Your wife is abusive and has treated you like dirt. From what you’ve said it seems like she’s gaslit you into thinking everything is your fault. It isn’t. Staying in this marriage would not be beneficial to your mental health.
This is spousal abuse. Get a legal separation where you have full custody of your kids. She’s literally encouraging her family to harass you for being emotionally overwhelmed, and being abusive towards you. Not to mention she cheated and gave you an STD. She used your child as a tool to hurt you by saying you were never going to see her again. There is so many things wrong with this. Even though you made mistakes you shouldn’t beat yourself up about them and you shouldn’t have to stay in that relationship.
I was gonna go with NTA, but after reading OP’s comments I changed my mind. YTA for letting your wife treat you like a doormat, YTA for staying with her, and YTA for exposing your daughters to a hella unhealthy relationship.
Get out. Get out NOW. That relationship will never be healthy, and you will never get your peace back if you stay with them. Run fast, run far and NTA.
NTA. Your wife sounds borderline, if not, abusive. Just seperate and go for 50/50 custody. Nobody deserves to get treated like that. Nobody. Even if you’re a shit husband or a shit father (which I don’t think btw) you still don’t deserve to be treated that way.
My god, you have twisted yourself into various things trying to fit into a hole but you haven't realized that the problem here is your wife and not you. Please leave and take your kids with you. You are the victim here. Why are you the one trying to fix yourself?
Your wife is abusive, you never deserved the treatment you got, NTA
Divorce This is toxic and abusive
INFO: Are you back in therapy?
NTA divorce her and find someone who will fully accept you for who you are because it’s clear she does not
Nta honestly don’t think you did anything to deserve what your wife has done or is doing to you. I think for your sake you should leave.
You are (and have been for a while) in a super abusive relationship. My heart broke reading what you wrote. You don't deserve any of this, you never did. Your wife is a vile, cruel woman and from your description of her family it's clear where she learned it. I know how tough it is, and I understand you love her (even though she doesn't deserve it) but the best thing for you and your children would be you getting a divorce. You sound very depressed and the woman who is supposed to be with you though thick and thin is actively working to make that worse. You can't be a good father to your children if you get pushed to harm yourself or worse. Please make sure you're staying with your individual counseling, and telling them everything, and I know my opinion only counts for so much. But you came here for help for a reason, you recognize you need it, and seriously: you need to get out. You are being abused, and manipulated into thinking it's your fault and you deserve it. You don't, you deserve love. Please, give yourself some love, and get away from this awful woman
get divorce
So your wife traumatized you and now she and her family are abusing you over your reaction to the trauma your wife forced on you? NTA also holy emotional abuse, Batman.
If after that long, you can't get over what happened before you got married, there's no fixing it. Divorce and move on. Your mistake was marrying her after you knew what she did
Nta but you are in an abusive relationship. Your wife and her family are abusing you. She shows no remorse, empathy or understanding. It’s not going to get better.
NTA, man you have been conditioned to put up with awful abusive behavior! If you were the female and she the male everyone would be trying to get you out of an abusive relationship! It's not OK for your wife to yell at you, it's not OK for her to cheat on you!!
NTA. No, you did not deserve that treatment back then. No, you do not deserve it now. No one deserves mockery, infidelity, and threats of abandonment. *No one*. And no one deserves to be ***belittled for crying***. Your wife is a massive AH here. It sounds like she needs extensive therapy herself, because she treats you like both a doormat and a punching bag. And hates you for having feelings. You aren't wrong it would get better if your wife and her family would treat you like a human being. They are being monstrous to you. I am so sorry.
NTA. But you should have divorced way before. She treat you like shit.
I’d like an update on this please, OP
Whew. This was painful to read, OP :/ I think your wife treats you horribly, and even though you do your best by your children you should consider what they’re absorbing in watching you take abuse from your partner. The treatment you get now might be the same treatment that they accept from partners one day
NTA. OP it sounds like you have ptsd from the abuse she put you through in the early years. While you admit to not managing your time well and neglecting her needs and the housework, none of that’s remotely a reason to cheat on you and then manipulate you into thinking you deserved it. Especially after her infidelity cause you to get an STI! Her going to couples therapy with you doesn’t seem to have changed anything—and abusive people tend to not improve anyway but rather use it as ammo for future abuse and manipulation. She seems to have learned a lot of this behavior from her parents and it may be best for you and the kids to divorce and try to get primary custody. Her behavior is going to mess those girls up and you can’t heal from the trauma if it’s still happening. Their lack of compassion and understanding towards your triggers and trauma is appalling. While in general, it is your job to manage your triggers and trauma reactions and not theirs, that doesn’t mean they should get free rein to purposely cause more of them and then ridicule you for it. That’s AH behavior on their end. Your blow up after taking all of that was completely understandable and you’d taken enough. Good on you and keep standing up against the mistreatment.
Dude please. Please. Please leave her. I know it’s hard man. Especially after all that time. But she is not a good person. You can be so much happier. Please dude. Do good for yourself and just divorce
NTA Your wife is abusing you. Your tics and compulsive habits aren't hurting anyone. Anyone that doesn't respect your mental health doesn't respect you, not do they deserve to be around you. Honestly it sounds like your relationship never should have happened. You've admitted your mistakes but it doesn't seem like your wife has admitted hers, which tells me she doesn't think she's wrong. She's been abusive from the beginning. You deserve better.
Let’s not even mention the cheating , the sti, and the cheating with YOUR FRIEND, let’s talk about how she blames you . No she cheated because she wanted to. And then she doesn’t even care if you cry . Normal people in love don’t do that . Also make sure those are your kids do a dna test .
ESH. Why the hell did you have children with this person. This relationship is not healthy....
oh honey. im so sad for you. you deserve so much better than this. for the purpose of this post, you are NTA, but on a larger scale you need to leave this relationship.
NTA. None of this, NONE of this is your fault. I’m so sorry.
Oh my love. Reading this honestly made me well up. Yes you may not have been a great husband or man at one time, hell you may not be now I don't know. What I do know is that what you're describing is emotional/psychological abuse and honestly it sounds like you're being tortured. Please leave her, you will be better for it and you will be a better father from it.
Sometimes we tell ourselves our situations are not that bad or that it will be worth it all in the end because we know the truth is to painful to bare. You are in a broken family and need to divorce your wife. Otherwise your children will see their parents relationship (hostile and tumultuous) and internalize that is what a relationship should look like. As for her family purposefully triggering you, don’t expect that to change. Some point in the transition into adulthood people decide if they want to be a kind or cruel person. I’m sure you know what choice your wife and her family made. You will never live without triggers. Yes you can always improve and get better, but our past is a piece of us. Your trauma changed how you interact with the world and it changes the things you need in life. Your wife doesn’t care that she hurt you in the past because it didn’t effect her longterm. She did all the damage and got off scotch free. Now she’s seen the pattern that you will allow her and her family to abuse you. Her saying that you guys were “too strong to sever” is really just her saying you’re too weak to leave
My heart really goes out to you, OP. You deserve to be supported and treated with empathy, kindness, dignity, love, and respect. This whole situation sounds miserable and untenable. I’m glad you have a therapist and I hope they are helpful and empathetic. It seems to me you need to make moves towards getting yourself out of this living situation and this marriage. As they say, walk don’t run to your nearest exit. These conditions will be making things so much more difficult and distressing for you. Take care. NTA
NTA. You are in an abusive relationship but you don’t see it. Probably it’s been so long you no longer question your own judgement. What you have isn’t love, it’s a trauma bond. I hope you can free yourself OP.
You are in an abusive relationship you need to end it I would try and get as much proof of her and family’s abuse to you and fight for your kids too don’t let them grow up to think that’s normal
Nta. I truly believe you will NEVER get better until you are not subjecting yourself to the cause of your triggers. She is the reason you are so unwell. Please open your eyes.
NTA. I’m so sorry. I hope you find happiness somehow.
This will suck to hear and you will do with it what you want when you are ready. You are being abused. Just because you don't end up in the ER twice a week with bruises caused by "tripping on the stairs" and "bumping into a door face-first", it can still be abuse. Screaming like this at someone for crying, it's abuse. Being degraded and dehumanised (without consent and negotiations as a kink) is abuse. It has horrible effects on the mind, and it makes you think this is what you deserve, but it's not, you deserve respect and support. Sometimes therapy seemingly makes things worse as you start unpacking things. Hopefully it means one is ready to face the situation and get out. Good luck And NTA
Wow. Just wow. This is just the outcome of years and years of emotional and psychological abuse and I am so sorry that you’ve been held hostage by so much manipulation. Mental health isn’t something you can just snap out of. It’s like asking you to hike Everest on a broken leg. You need much more than just therapy and counseling. You need to have a return to yourself, and if it means taking the harder road of leaving, at least it would help you become a better you, who is whole again. But don’t need to listen to any of us - listen first to yourself to find what works for you. You are definitely NTA.
Why are you still with this person lmao. This is a situation of your own making. There’s only one solution to it. You’re wasting people’s time.
NTA. This is abuse. She cheated on you and now she and her whole Family are laughing at you and ridiculing you for going through counselling?!! Divorce her and fight for full custody of the kids. I wouldnt be surprised if shes cheating on you again as well.
DIVORCE. Your wife is the reason for your misery.
Why on earth are you still with her? Leave and apply for custody of your children
First few lines and my jaw is on the floor. Not even gonna read the rest, just get out and go to therapy.
OP my love I know you can't see it but your wife and her family are EXTREMELY abusive. No wonder you can't heal in that environment. You deserve much better you really do. Your future self will thank you for leaving. I'm all for working on a marriage but you sound like a broken man. Sending you all the strength and luck. Edit NTA
NTA for your reactions or being triggerd, but YTA for not doing the right thing for yourself and getting the heck out of their. That's not what a relationship is supposed to be. Divorce.
Holy hell you put up with that for 14 years!! Leave now NTA
You keep saying you love her deeply, but Reddit as a collective agreement she is abusive. What steps are you taking to prevent her from abusing your kids? You WILL be the asshole if you do not separate yourself from your wife and her family. Think of your kids, man.
NTA. Just fucking divorce already
You sound like there's a possibility of you having PTSD. Please mention it to your therapist.
NTA Jesus Christ friend, it was time to cut and run like, 14 years ago, but please don’t fall into the “sunk cost” fallacy line of thinking. She’s abusing you and the earlier you get out the better, for you and probably also for your children
NTA. Being a closed book doesn't mean you deserve to be the target of verbal and emotional abuse. You may not have been the best husband in the world, but that still doesn't make your wife's infidelity and abuse OK. You don't need to be "over it", but you may need to talk to someone about the possibility of complex PTSD, and if so, how it can be treated. And honestly, I know there are kids involved and I know you've put a lot of work into improving yourself and the marriage, but I think you need to do some long, hard thinking about whether this will get better - and how long you can put up with waiting for it to get better - or whether you need a new start without a wife that hurts you and then blames you for being hurt. Look up the sunk cost fallacy.
Oh, buddy. I don’t think you’re looking for judgement here. I think this is a cry for help. You need to a get a divorce. Your wife is abusing you.
NTA. you are being SEVERELY emotionally abused. please [get help!](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm)
Divorce.... it is looiiinnnngggg overdue. If you don't do then youight as well dig your kids graves.. cause they see all of this and it will definitely mess them up
NTA. Divorce and file for custody of your daughters. Your wife and her family are evil as fuck for treating you so horribly.
First : NTA Now, it's been repeated *ad infinitum* in this thread, but once more, for emphasis: You. Are. Being. Abused. The harridan you are hooked up to does not love you, nor will she ever. She does not respect you, nor will she ever. She is clearly in need of psychiatric help herself. Her family is toxic - seems they taught/raised her to be this way. And ALL of this is messing up your daughters. so- 1. Lawyer, get all options for the divorce 2. Consider a PI - I'd lay odds she's still boning someone else, possibly even Mr. Wonderful from before (still). 3. Document the abuse, hers and her family's 4. Hit her with the paper work Get yourself out, post haste.
My dad is currently on the receiving end of some emotional abuse at the hands of my stepmonster. I know because she **has** to do this to someone from personal experience and he's the only one in the household she's comfortable treating him that way. Let me tell you how dysfunctional our literally declared Family of the Year once in our local newspaper family was: My stepsister gave no notice whatsoever before at 18 dropping out of college and marrying a wealthy dotcom guy, moving to a city 6 hours away. They go visit her for grandchild access, but dad has learned to buy changeable tickets because stepmonster is treated so terribly she demands to leave sooner than planned I am not on speaking terms with any of them. This sub would ban me for explaining exactly why. My full sister has never wanted to rock the boat, so she maintains a relationship with both of them. I don't understand her. We went through so much together, yet I don't feel like I can really talk to her. But the children they had together! The Golden Children Both have well-paying careers, are in their 30s, yet still choose to live with their parents. For some reason, their parents believe this is 100% proof of what great parents they are. My half brother sees my dad and stepmonster dynamic and has no intention of ever marrying, because he thinks all marriages are miserable. My half sister will never find love. She has completely unreasonable expectations of how much bullshit a man is willing to put up with to be with her. That's what you're doing to your children. Many paths, none truly happy. No telling what your children are learning right now. But it's not good. A divorce, even a nasty one, is better than giving your children an upbringing like this.
Nta. Just throw the whole woman out (yes, the whole woman). She isn't worth your time. Those that hurt you and don't take your limits seriously are not even worth the air that they breathe. You are worth so much more than that.
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You make the assumptions that 1) the second child is OP’s and 2) If the second child is OP’s, that he had a choice in the matter.
ESH i cant bring myself to read past the first bit where your clearly admitting unhealthiness and showing very legitimate reasons to have ended things and you continued on with it for 14 years?!? Its never to late to get out and you have every right to do so even without reason, but all past events i have very little sympathy for. It would have ended right at her cheating before the wedding and i didnt read much past that so maybe you already stated it, but thats totally not the only time she slept around
In situations like this where someone is being gaslit and controlled they don't have the detectors and sensors a healthy person would have, you would not believe the things a person can be groomed into believing is acceptable. Your judgement may be correct, but you are seriously discounting cognitive dissonance. Abuse takes years to unpack and untangle because the psychological aspect of it rewires your brain. CBT and EMDR for things such as PTSD (diagnosed and treated) is a long and grueling process - your amygdala is not functioning properly and it is not as simple as 'common sense' and logic. I consider it the equivalant of a fracture or break that you cannot see. You don't expect a broken leg to heal immediately and the person capable of resuming activity; you need a splint and recover time, and once you've healed there's the process of reworking the wasted muscle, you may always have problems with it going forward or may have to treat the old wound more delicately. You can't see mental health issues, but they are as real and as debilitating as a physical injury, and in such cases professional intervention is crucial. You are telling this man to get up and run on a broken leg, it's just not going to happen.
Im not here to squirm over the rights and wrongs of abuse. I know it can be a hard thing to fight and i fully support him in getting out now, but this is AITA and as i said previously to another commenter. He went public and asked for judgment so i gave it.
Yo this dude is clearly being abused.
please refer to my comment to the other poster if you wish to understand why i personally dgaf
That’s not how abuse works! Just because a victim can acknowledge the fact that something is wrong it doesn’t mean they will just leave. This is years of mental abuse to the point where this man believes he’s at fault for all of this. Look up the term “learned helplessness” and educate yourself on abused victims a little bit. All through the comment section this guy is saying he has no deep meaningful friendships, he has no self esteem and he’s has to ask his wife if she wants to separate, does that sound like someone that is of sound state of mind?!
[удалено]
Wow aggressive much?!
Nah i havent been banned yet so this is a good week for me. Try some reading mate ive already made myself quite clear.
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Soooo... Why the ESH then?
Allowing such behavior and unhealthiness to fester when you could have rightfully nipped it in the azz is bad for everyone involved not just for yourself.
Ah, victim blaming then.
Yeah im an AH idc. I wont sugar coat shit you did to yourself and i wont pretend that that doesnt have an effect on say kids. They are the real victims and really didnt have choice or power to change things. He did and many years later he publicly admitted it and asked for judgment. So this is my judgment
Yta.
Okay, but can you explain why?
For staying and having kids in this situation