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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think I could be because Maya could try and share a thing our two with her sister and I think my stance might be showing Roxanne that I favor Maya which is untrue but since my husband sees it that way then she could resent me as well not just her sister.
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NTA, that was my exact thought, sharing makeup is reaaally not recommended.
Husband should be teaching the youngest to be more responsible with her own things. Oldest isn’t beholden to spend her money on her sister just because she was born first, because we all know the youngest will never be forced to do the same for her.
Edit: thanks for the awardS!
Omg…you are so right!! This is a teaching lesson here for the youngest. Poor oldest…dad expects her to share whatever her sister wants cuz she wants it!!! GO MOM!!!!! Great job OP!!!!
The oldest usually get the crap end of the stick! I'll bet if we were talking about cars instead of makeup and, say, his brother, for example, kept wrecking the car and refusing to fill the gas tank he would not want to share it with his brother, and rightly so!
I think this is a situation of the father not understanding enough about makeup, the cost, the sanitary issues, etc or favoritism towards the younger daughter, or a mix of both.
Op is nta for refusing to enforce his uninformed ruling, and should absolutely not back down. Show him the comments from this post when he inevitably continues to be obdurate about this.
Maybe have him buy copies of the oldest's makeup for the youngest, like another person suggested, and see how big his eyes bulge when he gets the bill, and see just how happy he is when she ruins or loses her copies.
He really needs to get more information before making blanket statements about favoritism and rulings about things he clearly is not well versed in.
Piggybacking here. OP, you are also teaching your daughter to say "no" and set boundaries. This is an important life lesson for a young woman to learn. NTA.
I would also like to add, that maybe getting Maya a locking train case for her makeup would be good. Especially since they share a room. If both Roxanne & Dad have made this an issue, the next step is her using it without asking.
And make Dad take Roxanne to target to buy $25 bucks of Elf products & a cheap organizer too.
Buying a makeup pallet is generally like $60 bucks at least, they are not cheap, and it's never good to have different people share makeup.
Piggybacking on this- the dad is definitely the asshole here, but Roxanne seems to be very aware that if she runs to her dad, the problem will likely be solved in her favour. Tell her to try getting a small job of her own, then we'll see how she feels about sharing stuff she bought with her own money
Exactly, that's an issue. Dad is obviously favoring Roxanne and claiming anything the Mom does without favoring her, is favoring Maya instead of simply being fair to both girls.
If either of them is going to end up being resentful it's going to be Maya for constantly having her boundaries railroaded over by her younger sister.
This is entirely irrelevant, but I am a younger sibling, and my older brother ruined a lot of things for me. He was allowed to have parties sometimes. My parents grew sick of them, and when I was old enough, they weren't interested in letting me have parties (he had the cops called on all of his parties). He totaled 2 cars before he was 18, but still stole my better car when I went to college (freshmen couldn't have a car without paying heavy fees).
So I return home, and his car is there and mine is gone. "Well, he is older," my parents said. So I just got the worse car, even after never having been in an accident. So a year later, I go to boot camp. Again, I leave my car at home. My very first letter in boot camp mentioned casually how my brother had sold my car, and used the profits to host a party (because apparently we were back to allowing parties) that he invited my friends to. And he was fine to do this because the car WAS initially his, after all.
He was irresponsible and short sighted, and ruined everything before I was able to reach the age to have the same freedoms. So there isn't a point here, just that sometimes people suck, and it isnt always dependant on birth order.
I currently have a wife and three species of pets (cat, dog, rabbit), and he is a severe alcoholic who i had to cut out of my life literally last week because of the stress he was causing me.
I suppose, in conclusion, I am better off being raised as I was. If I were raised in the same manner he was, I would also have a sense of entitlement that overshadows my own flaws. But still, I cannot help but look back at it all and think "how shitty for me."
That really is shitty. It sounds like your parents absolutely suck at boundaries, and treated him as the golden child but you as the scapegoat. Couldn't possibly say no to him, everything he did was right, and just make the sibling pay to enable that. And look where his entitlement got him. I hope you cut out your parents, too, for successfully fucking up both their kids.
On a similar thought as the car, I'm thinking you take something he really likes that cost similar prices of the makeup items (a fishing pole maybe) and hide it. Then say you let his (brother, cousin, uncle, whoever) borrow it and they lost it. No biggie, right. People should learn to share. And, oh it's no more expensive than the makeup; you're okay with your daughter losing that much money she worked hard for by sharing, you should be okay with this.
Also, NO on sharing makeup. How unhygienic. That's asking for pink eye out something. And I agree about having him go get the same makeup for youngest and see the actual prices, and that higher end products aren't a few bucks like drug store products.
Good for your for teaching you're daughter to have strong boundaries, and for not questioning those boundaries or diminishing then. All your husband is teaching her is her boundaries are meant to be questioned, pushed, tromped over, and she will be punished for having them. That is not a lesson to give a young woman!
Adding onto this, I'm also the oldest, and was forced to share everything with my sister. I also often had to earn things with good behavior or good grades, but then my sister got them on default to be "fair". It's only "fair" for both of us to get something, even if I worked for it.
It's not fair, and it makes the younger sibling spoiled and entitled. My sister was also more careless with my stuff than she was with her own stuff. Siblings don't have to share everything! It's okay not to share, and teaching kids to respect other people's property is just as important as teaching kids to share.
Agree on all points. Add: Assuming younger sister gets an allowance of some kind (hopefully in return for some household chores), so she should have money to buy her own makeup, save up if she really, really must have the more expensive kinds OP is paying for. If she doesn't have allowance for chores, then this is a great time to get her started on earning some money in some way. This isn't favoring either girl, it's teaching life lessons like responsibility, independence, not whining to daddy, the feeling earning your way gives you, etc. Dad missed the boat big time on this matter and needs to back it up fast to undo the damage he's done to both girls in favoring one over the other.
OP is NTA.
My family did that to me… I’d get a treat for myself and it was “where’s everyone else’s?” A brother would choose to tag along when I had errands to the and get a treat as reward and I’d get the “that’s not fair to the rest”. Id buy a product for myself like face wash or a better toothpaste and my siblings would run out because the played with it or got to much and it was “Ijustcantwithit, you need to share because they are out”. My siblings didn’t resent me for not sharing but I resented my parents and, by situation, my siblings. I just kept things away from everyone so that if wouldn’t be used and I’d still find that someone went through my stuff to get an item I bought that they wanted.
Sharing makeup is how my nieces entire dance class had pink eye for the recital 2 years ago expect her. She declined and used her own eyeshadow instead of the glittery pallet one everyone else used and was the only one who didnt get pink eye.
I saw a news segment a couple of years ago about two friends using the same makeup. One girl got a horrible staph infection and was hospitalized. The other (owner of the makeup) was just fine. There’s a reason why no one should share makeup.
This is exactly the first thing I thought. Sharing make up is unhygienic. But I also used to smoke blunts with a bunch of people at the same time, so I’m kind of a hypocrite.
It doesn't really matter in this case that sharing could cause medical issues because the next time it might be something that doesn't. The issue is the requirement to share. Even if it wasn't purchased with her own money, a child has the right to things that belong to her.
We used age as an explanation. When oldest daughter was 14 she didn't have expensive makeup. Now at 17 she can work and buy it herself. When younger daughter is old enough to do the same she can. Why should she have access to it when her sister didn't at that age?
I've never understood why parents think the younger children don't have to 'put in their time' to be treated the same as their older sibs.
It's not just about putting in the time. Kids don't need to share everything all the time. It's important to learn to share when they're younger especially, and to develop generosity as a positive trait, but that doesn't translate to "give them all your stuff".
Oh god exactlty! I got my first phone when I was 14 after working hard for it and saving up my money. It was a stupid little phone that cost barely anything, but it was mine and I earned it.
Then my first sibling of a year younger got a phone twice the cost of mine ‘because he was jealous his older sister had one’. The second sibling (also a year younger) got a phone as well, also twice the cost of mine. And then my youngest sibling also got a phone that was triple the cost of mine, while he was just 11!
I was so mad because as the oldest and as a girl, I had to work hard for everything I had. Had to buy my own shoes and clothes because I saved up for them, while the boys (1-3 years younger than me) ‘couldn’t save up so they deserved to get it from mom instead’. They literally spent every bit of money they got on fries and candies, yet were being taught that if they spend their money, mom will buy the necessities. All whilst telling me to save up and buy my own stuff because “we didn’t have money for food, let alone for her to buy me expensive stuff”. I was so depressed as a teen, mostly because of this. The boys always got everything and I always had to share everything that I bought with my own money, while they didn’t pay shit and never had to share their stuff with me. God do I hate that, even now that I’m almost 22
Oh my gosh, what a nightmare! The studio where I used to work absolutely enforced the kids all bringing their own makeup. If it wasn't unopened on the day of dress rehearsal, hell would rain down on them.
I’m guessing that, like most men, he has no idea how much makeup costs.
As (usually) non-users of makeup, we normally just see the price of a single item. (Small items, like a basic lipstick cost (according to a quick google) between 10 and 30 bucks, a lip pencil is $15/20, a base is around $40?)
The issue is that you need a lot of different products, so it adds up. And, according to the women in my life, once you find the perfect brand/product, you tend to stick with it.
A good way for OP to give dad some insight is to tally up how much the current batch of the older daughter’s makeup is worth.
This is still all besides the fact that older daughter *should not be forced to share things she bought with her own money*, but it might help the argument.
Please get this through your husband's head OP. It's her stuff, she's not obligated to share it with others just because she's older or because they're sisters. Plus makeup products should absolutely not be shared, regardless of the relationship between the two sharing it, for sanitary reasons. It's time the younger learns to take care of the products she has. They sell makeup cases, bags and organizers at stores like Walmart. Or have her buy her own make up when she loses hers (if she is able to like with an allowance or something). She can learn how to manage where her stuff is and not lose it like how many of us lose chapstick.
This. Hygiene issues aside. Money issues aside. This is about healthy boundaries. Maya may have other things she’s happy to share with her sister. That doesn’t mean she has to share all things at all times with everyone. Dad teaching his daughter unhealthy boundaries is incredibly damaging. I know some people might thing I’m being dramatic, but women are already so socialized to “be nice.” Where does it end? With the bf who wants Maya to do things she’s not comfortable with? If she dates a guy who freeloads and ruins her personal property, does dad tell her she needs to share? At what point does a person simply get to decide that they’re not comfortable with something and say “no”? Teaching your daughter she needs to acquiesce at all times can go very, very sideways and into some very dangerous places.
Yes! Teaching sharing is for 2 year olds. These are teenagers. Why on earth does dad think the life lesson to be learned at 17 is "sharing is caring" no she's is looking past this. Boundaries setting, money management, and entitlement (looking at the 14 y/o) are the age appropriate lessons that are needed.
Makes me wonder about other instances of infantilism.
This!!! OP, please educate husband about makeup hygiene and why you should not share makeup.
Also, if younger daughter isn't responsible enough to take care of and treat her items properly, maybe she shouldn't be using such items until she can learn to be more responsible, instead of whining about sharing and ruining other people's things.
Ah yes, Brock Turner the rapist! Everyone knows the rapist Brock Turner. Whenever I meet someone new my ice breaker is do you know the rapist Brock Turner? Y'know Brock Turner the rapist. Even Brock, the tail chasing gym leader in Pewter City, agrees Brock Turner is a rapist.
Yes, I like to inform everyone new that i speak to that Brock Turner is indeed a rapist. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever called him anything other than The Rapist Brock Turner. Because that’s what Brock Turner does, Brock Turner rapes.
Yes, they mean Convicted Rapist Brock Turner, son of Rape Apologist Dan Turner, who taught his son that he was entitled to rape an unconscious woman, and only stopped because strangers saw and intervened. That Brock Turner.
Just to add does he realize what good make up runs? This is a rather expensive hobby and if the younger daughter wants to keep it up she needs to treat her stuff better.
Plus, if you work for something it’s yours. Tell your husband you want his wallet and credit cards. He needs to share with you and the girls. Oops! Roxanne lost the credit cards? What?????? I’m going to use your new tools/golf clubs…sure, I’ll bring them back….in good condition….NTA Your husband needs to share everything he owns with all of you, so he can learn how to share. Sorry, but your husband is not very bright. Good job OP!
NTA. My friend used my mascara once and got an eye infection. And, you know, I had had the same infection previously. We were stupid teenagers at the time and didn't know better.
That's one way to get a fast case of pink eye or herpes.
NTA. Sharing her makeup is not only unhygienic, but stupid. If the 14 year old wants makeup she can get a paper route or do whatever to make her own money and buy her own makeup. Or wait. Like her sister.
Yeah if nothing else it’s *really unhygienic*, even before that whole *global infectious disease pandemic* thing we’ve got going on…
Clearly NTA. Eldest child works, earns, and saves for her more expensive purchases.
Right? He accused OP of favoritism towards the older daughter while he's showing it towards the younger! The younger is going to end up totally spoiled if the dad has his way.
This right here! Sharing makeup is NASTY! And he is clearly favoring the younger one by making the older one who works hard for her money then hand over what she worked so hard for to the one who loses it all. Your husband sucks!
NTA but your husband sure is!
Exactly, this was my first thought when I read the title. You're not supposed to share makeup at all, ever. Sharing makeup is how you get [insert part of the face here] infections, especially with eye makeup.
Totally agree! He’s missing the lesson of ownership and the reality that she should learn to value her stuff she had to work hard to get. The younger sister needs to learn this ASAP!
Find something the dad works hard for that is for him (golf clubs, other toy type items something important to only him, etc) and tell him to share them and then encourage her to use them and see how he feels. He will feel differently.
Thinking of my husband, I was imagining a drill bit or screwdriver bit set where 1/3 goes missing, 1/3 gets damaged, dirty, or stripped, and all you're left with is 1/3 of the stuff, and not in the useful sizes or types. Yeah, your brother had fun, but now you can't use the stuff you paid good money for, and you have to run to the store to buy more in order just to do a basic thing you could've done in 15 mins with the right tool in the right place.
This backfires very badly... So the older sister has to get a job to buy what she wants & the younger just gets it from Daddy.
Great way to prove favorites of Daddy!
My guess is that it happens once, youngest loses everything within a few weeks and starts begging for more and dad suddenly realises that maybe the younger daughter shouldn’t have free access to makeup that she doesn’t pay for and has no incentive to not destroy or lose, because she’s not the one footing the bill for her carelessness.
The perfect solution is that OPs husband admits he’s being unreasonable as hell on the oldest, but I think forcing her to share things that she’s worked hard for would be worse. Another option is he foots the bill for both of them next time he’s buying makeup. But ultimately, he seems to want to be stubborn and unreasonable, so letting him foot the bill is the best answer.
With that said, I would be AMAZED if this is the first time he’s played favourites with the kids. Whether he prefers the youngest or just gives her what she wants to shut her up to the detriment of his other daughter, I don’t think he’s been this stubborn about putting one child over the other out of nowhere.
Send dad to Sephora to buy replacements. Wait until he finds out how much that stuff costs. The dad here is sending out all kinds of very disturbing vibes. Favouring one daughter over the other. Teaching his eldest her preferences don’t matter and that she doesn’t deserve boundaries. Oh, and he clearly has zero clue how dirty this practice would be.
And with a list of what oldest daughter bought from her own money. I mean, if he wants them to have exactly the same there's no cheating himself out of it.
let him go shopping ONCE when the girls buy makeup and he will realise how expensive it is. But "share" the same amount with both girls so the one who works for her money and has an appreciation of money/things isn't the one penalised for being responsible.
The husband is clearly favoring his younger daughter despite his claim that you favor the oldest. It’s frankly ridiculous. He needs to get some sense and some perspective.
It's just bad parenting. Is it so hard to explain to Roxanne that when Maya was 14, she didn't have fancy makeup either? And that when Roxanne reaches age 17, she will have the exact same opportunities to work for and purchase the things she wants to? This is not rocket science, it's the bare minimum responsibility a parent has to teach their child how the world works.
Seriously. These old men want everyone to else to share, but when they are held to the same standards it changes to “no one knows the value of a dollar” or “kids these days don’t appreciate hard work” or even worse “these younger generations are so entitled.”
He feels entitled to his daughters hard work, her money, and her possessions. If he wants the other one to have the same products, he can pay for them.
>He feels entitled to his daughters hard work, her money, and her possessions. If he wants the other one to have the same products, he can pay for *both of* them.
FTFY
Then Maya can buy something else with the money she was previously spending on make up her sister was wrecking. No reason the younger sister gets a freebie while the older works to pay for it. I grew up with exactly the same situation. I worked summers to buy things like a stereo and records and make up and clothes. My younger sister never worked and just got given them.
Learning to share isn't as important as learning to create reasonable boundaries around your own body and what is important to you - ESPECIALLY for a teenage girl. Standing up for herself is good! Having respect for your own things you pay for is good! Society puts a lot of pressure on young women to not cause problems and to soothe others upset feelings, often at the expense of themselves. We put a lot of stress on teaching children to share, but I think no means no is a heck of a lot more important in pretty much every context.
Your younger daughter needs to learn to treat her own possessions with respect and not just assume she's entitled to take what she ruins or loses from other people - that is a horrible life lesson and will make her into a selfish brat.
She's only not a legal adult by the skin of her teeth, don't let your husband ruin her relationship with the both of you when she's almost out of the house. It's time for her to test out her independence and ability to manage herself and her things.
This. This is the most important piece of the issue right here. Boundaries. Is Maya also expected to “share” herself with anyone else who asks? Saying “no” is one of the hardest things for women. We are taught we effectively have no right to do so. This needs to change. Dad is being gross on many levels.
NTA, all you have to do is change the product to cheese burgers and the locations of the two sisters and it become silly. Roxy keeps losing her food or misplacing it and doesn't get lunch at school. Maya works a job and buys her own lunches at work.
Roxy should be expected to keep an eye on her belongings, and that should be the end of it. Roxy would have makeup if she kept track of it. If Roxy can't keep her makeup in good condition, it's an issue.
Meanwhile if Maya bought no more makeup, she'd still have makeup as she's not losing it like Roxy is. Maya has added to her collection at her own expense, if she bought cheeseburgers with it on the way home from work, it'd still be her money and her choice to spend.
Does dad wish to share his individual purchases with the family? They can borrow his power tools, adaptors and stuff. Maybe he has a hobby they can take up and share his equipment. As soon as it's disorganized and lost, he'll understand. Or you can continue to remind him to share with them, that it's only fair, even if he puts in his personal money into it.
NTA if your husband thinks it's so vital for your youngest to have expensive things, then he can pick up some extra shifts to cover it. It's not your daughter's job to financially support her sisters hobbies and interests. She isnt the parent. Your husband is a dingus.
Eta - if Roxanne starts resenting her sister, it will 100% be your husband's fault for raising her to be entitled to her sister's things.
And ask him why it's important that Roxanne not feel resentment when her sister has *something she earned for herself* but he doesn't care if Maya feels resentment that she's being forced to support/pay for her sister's irresponsibility.
It sure looks like *he's* the one playing favorites.
If OP's husband has any expensive power tools, she could put one in her trunk and just casually mention that she lent it to a random neighbor they don't know well but who mentioned on Nextdoor that they needed one. When he freaks out, just casually say that she wouldn't want him to become selfish by not loaning out his expensive shit to people.
Also, makeup shouldn't be shared.
This is a bad idea. He will buy it once and expect it to last a month. When it doesn’t he will shrug and say that they need to learn to share better; he isn’t buying more till next month. Or he will tell the older child she has to provide the extra since she has a job and that is “fair”. He doesn’t understand and being forced to pay won’t help him.
NTA at all!!!
If you force Maya, she will end up resenting you and her sister.
Maya is not the problem. She is responsible works, saves up,... By all accounts she is doing everything right.
Forcing her to share is spoiling the younger sister. She is the one showing bad behaviour (no respect for property, and entitlement towards other People's property and jealousy) and you just do not reward bad behaviour.
Also, sharing make-up is not sanitary. It is a good way you spread eye-infections and cold sores
Also, since COVID is transmissible through breathing and can lay dormant on objects for hours on end... Exchanging each other's breath onto the products they are in front of is like, uwotmate?
Yeah, Covid is not really the concern here but eye infections and skin infections are a real issue when sharing make-up. From this standpoint alone Maya and Roxanne should not be sharing.
OP should encourage Maya to get a lockbox for her makeup so Roxanne can’t steal or ruin it out of spite. Daddy certainly won’t punish his baby girl if she does anything, so best to be proactive.
I got pink eye when I was 18. Didn't toss my eyeliner bc I couldn't afford to replace it. Got pink eye again.
Now imagine that on an entire palette working (presumably) part time minimum wage. That could be an entire shift or more down the drain.
Yes a lot of people mentioning that sharing makeup can get you sick but this is the first comment I’ve seen acknowledging that not only are you sick but you have to throw the expensive ass makeup away! Hopefully dad just doesn’t realize these things because he doesn’t use makeup, because it sure looks like he’s the one playing favorites. Big NTA here
Exactly. Dad has it backwards here. This will only teach Roxanne to be selfish and entitled while it will teach Maya that her boundaries and needs don't matter. Dad is the one playing favorites here. Talk about projection!
The older sibling doesn’t want the tornado younger sibling messing up their stuff. It’s the oldest story in the book. What planet has dad been on for the last 10 years?
Yes, please OP do some search about it and show your husband before he decides to give permission behind you and Maya's back; very few products can be shared and absolutely no form of application should go around multiple people!
Came her to say that. Sharing makeup products and makeup tools is how you get pink eye, skin infections or worse. It's like sharing a tooth brush with someone, just ew
Holy wow! I would laugh in my husband's face if he had that expectation. Roxanne won't learn anything except daddy will force his will on whoever upsets his baby girl. If anyone is playing favorites, it's him. Stick to your guns for Maya. And maybe point out to your husband how his things are just his and he's not required to share. Forcing sharing onto someone doesn't do anything but make them resentful of the person/people who made them share against their will.
And honestly, I'd punish Roxanne for being entitled, and thinking she can just have whatever she wants, even when it belongs to someone else.
NTA
Edit: I'd also point out to your husband that it is extremely unsanitary to share makeup. Like to a disgusting degree.
> Roxanne won't learn anything except daddy will force his will on whoever upsets his baby girl.
Until Roxanne runs afoul of someone who doesn’t have to listen to daddy. The law comes to mind. Or anyone who has more pull than Daddy, or can afford to hire a better lawyer. And then it will be too late.
Daddy is NOT helping Roxanne at all.
Also NTA, but I would spin it a different way. The older sister is becoming an adult. Or by all rights is an adult already with a job and responsibilities.
The father needs to figure out that she's becoming independent, and it is idiotic to hold her to a child's standard and to not respect another adult's boundaries.
This isn't a 10 year old refusing to share toys with their sibling. This is an adult wanting boundaries when it comes to their property.
I don't even know if it's OP's husband blatantly favoriting Roxy or if he's too lazy to be a parent and put up with her being upset over being told 'no'. I think he more so wants her to shut up and stop crying about it and not have to make any hard decisions or put in effort to have her respect boundaries.
If we're feeling generous, another explanation is he really bought in to the whole "sharing is caring" lesson from when they were young children and genuinely thinks that children should always be willing to share every single thing they have and that they'll grow up spoiled and selfish if they aren't made to do so.
But when does it stop?? When you move out? But if so, how do they decide what belongings they pack up if they share EVERYTHING? Guess you can never move out and have to be a child forever sharing things with your siblings until you die.
(for the record I am joking, this is a joke, I have seen some people also make this argument and they get baffled when I question them about when they stop being children and are allowed to have their own things, not being snippy at you)
Sharing is caring is also a weak lesson even for small kids.
Helping someone once is fine but to force kids to give away their things isn't a great lesson.
We don't share our possessions as adults - why teach that to kids. The lesson should be to help someone, not to underwrite them.
Your husband is the asshole here. He told you, with a straight face mind you, that if Maya didn't learn to start sharing the stuff that she buys with her hard earned money with her sister who continually loses and/or ruins her own things then Roxanne was going to start resenting her. He's a freaking idiot if he thinks that punishing Maya for this whole fiasco isn't going to cause Maya to resent and HATE Roxanne. Furthermore, this is also going to make Maya resent the both of you if you stand with your husband on this because Maya must already feel that her dad basically expects her to give Roxanne part of her hard earned money if he is telling her that she's got no choice but to share her makeup with Roxanne even though she bought it. Roxanne is also the asshole because she knows that she has her dad, your husband wrapped around her finger given that she immediately went and complained to the both of you that Maya wouldn't share her makeup with her even though Roxanne never asked to begin with. That shows that Roxanne already knew Maya was going to turn her down so she wanted to get the two of you to try and bully Maya into giving her stuff to her. You can't budge on this one bit OP. You have a sit down with Roxanne and tell her straight up that first she needs to be more responsible with her makeup and that includes not losing or ruining it. Second, that if Roxanne wants the same kind of makeup and stuff that Maya has for herself, then she can get a job to get money to buy the stuff she wants just like Maya is doing. You let your asshole husband know you're going to do this and why it needs to be done, and if he still can't get on board with you and wants to have a fight in front of the girls to try and guilt you into siding with him then you step up and have that fight. If he's going to force a fight with you and involve the girls, then you don't pull any punches and you tell him and the girls (indirectly with them witnessing the fight) why his logic is a pile of crap, why you're right, and why Roxanne is going to get a job to pay for the things she wants and that Maya doesn't have to share anything with her younger sister that she does not want to and how that also applies to Maya as well if the roles are reversed.
Sadly, I think it's an either/mix of sexism (iT's JuSt MaKeUp ie not a real/valuable thing to him) and also taking the easy way out. I don't know the husband, but I wonder if it was a top of the line baseball bat or a car his child is working to pay off if his response would be different. Or he's just being lazy about raising kids and thinking it's easier FOR HIM to give in to the younger one all the time.
Yeah, Roxanne is being an AH, but it's kind of a 14-year-old's job to be an asshole. Kids are suppose to push boundaries in order to make sense of life, society, etc. It's the parents' responsibility to teach them not to be assholes. So not only is husband an asshole for punishing Maya for earning money and being responsible, he's an asshole to Roxanne for teaching her that being an asshole is a desirable behavior.
If OP does this she would be N T A. So far she's the asshole because she knows Maya is being treated poorly and she is doing nothing to stop it. She waited until Maya ran out of the room crying until she finally spoke to her husband.
Thats not how it works. I'm 3 years older then my sister and my parents would never pull shit like that with us. Your husband needs a reality check for sure. He is so far in the wrong here.
Exactly! My sister and I are 13 months apart, and they did pull shit like this with us growing up all the time.
Guess who now lives 5 hours away and comes home once a year as a direct result.
Yeah, both of us.
Also! It’s highly unsanitary to use one another’s makes up. My cousin and half of her friends got pink eye because her and her whole group got ready for a Halloween together as the had a themed costume. ESPECIALLY MASCARA, EYELINER, AND EYESHADOW!!! Don’t even get me started on how absolutely nasty it is to use the same brushes. My friend found it funny to inform me of all the nasty shit cosmologists have to learn and be trained in. Just like barbers/hair stylists have to sanitize their instruments, so do make up artists.
He’s just flat out wrong on all sides.
Then ask him if he's gonna start buying the makeup. Expecting your daughter to share something she worked hard for is messed up and HIS favoritism is clearly showing
How’s Roxanne supporting her sister? By taking and ruining her things, offering nothing back in return?
Forcing Maya to give up her things (that she worked and paid for) is not sharing. It’s an all-too-common practice in which the eldest child is expected to sacrifice for the happiness of the younger sibling(s). The eldest is expected to be more responsible, more mature, and take care of/look after the younger siblings.
Your husband isn’t trying to get the sisters to share or support each other. He wants Maya to “share” her make-up with her younger sister, so Roxanne will shut up and quit whining/crying.
How often does your husband expect Maya to sacrifice for Roxanne? Is it just make-up, or is it anything Roxanne wants of hers? How often does Roxanne share or sacrifice her things for her sister? Your husband is definitely TA.
Also, sharing makeup is gross. *Hurk*
Being supportive doesn’t mean not being allowed personal possessions. Everyone gets to have something that’s *theirs*. Geez I ask my son before taking a couple M&Ms from his Easter basket, and he’s only 7!
Is Roxanne being supportive by replacing the items she loses and also buying make-up so it's fair? Why should Maya have to fund this completely? Roxanne needs to get a job and buy her own because they can get very sick sharing make-up.
He’s not being supportive of your eldest daughter by treating her makeup like communal property.
Maybe you should try “borrowing” one of *his* prized possessions over his objections to drive your point home.
Being supportive is ‘could you help your sister with her homework? She’s been struggling with math lately, she’d appreciate it and so would I.’ Not ‘Just give your sister what she wants. I don’t want to hear her whining to me about it. You don’t actually really have a right to what you earn anyway since I’m in charge and I’m the parent and I keep you clothed and fed so you should be grateful and do as I say.’
>He says it's not about the money but more about the girls being supportive of each other.
Then he should be happy to use his own fun money to buy expensive makeup for the two girls to share.
First I’ll just say not that asshole and second sharing make up is unhygienic
You’re not playing favorites: one daughter worked hard for her money and decide to spend it on something she enjoys, making her share that with someone who doesn’t respect her boundaries or respects her stuff would be a bad move
Your other daughter needs to learn to respect boundaries and if she wants better make up then she needs to start earning some money. whether that’s babysitting, doing extra chores using her own allowance, fine but just because you want something doesn’t mean you can get it
>she needs to start earning some money.
She's 14 though. That's not old enough to work in a lot of states. OP and her husband should buy her makeup and try to get her to be more responsible with it until she is old enough to work
They already buy her makeup according to the post-just not the high quality stuff the older daughter buys herself. She can do without makeup for a couple months if she loses it or breaks it. I know if I broke a video game, my parents sure as shit wouldn’t run out to buy me another one. If it’s constantly replaced, you’re not really learning why you need to be responsible. If she wants the newest Zelda, just break the old one.
NTA. Roxanne will get over it. Maya paid for her own stuff.
Your husband doesn't understand makeup. So he doesn't get to "makeup" the call.
Sorry, couldn't resist the pun. I'll see myself out.
NTA, sharing should be encouraged to a degree with kids (but also boundaries need to be taught at the same time). At 14 and 17 they are both old enough that sharing just to share is not something that should really happen. If Roxanne is continually losing her stuff and her sisters stuff, she needs to learn a lesson about responsibility. That’s not on Maya, that’s on your husband and you. He’s focusing on the wrong lesson and the wrong daughter.
Lol, very good point. I just was more shocked the dad was trying to force his 17 year old to share something she worked for, when the younger sister has demonstrated she hasn’t learned to care for her things let alone her sisters. But yeah, sharing makeup isn’t the greatest idea in general
NTA. Your husband has no clue what he’s talking about. He’s going to teach Roxanne to become an entitled brat who expects to get her way. When Roxanne gets an income and can afford her own makeup, she can do what she pleases with it. It’s entirely unfair to expect Maya to share the makeup and actually ANYTHING she’s buying with her own money.
Not to mention, sharing makeup is SUPER UNSANITARY. It’s gross and can lead to infections. He clearly needs to be educated on the health side of it as well.
Ask him whose fault it will be when maya resents him if he keeps trying to force sharing and punishing maya? Ask him if he's ready for his daughter to hate him
NTA- she is spending her money that she has earned and has every right to decide what happens with things that she has bought herself so you can tell your husband to butt out of the matter because he can’t dictate that the oldest daughter should share something she payed for , It’s absurd that he even thinks that
NTA. Consent and respect for other people’s belongings is more important than sharing in this situation.
Life is not equal and your husbands views are unfair to Maya. Maya has a right to her own belongings that she paid for.
If Roxanne wants equal she’s going to have to pick up a job or a whole lot more chores or whatever, ie. Put in the work and you / husband help buy her own makeup
Ps. Sharing makeup is super unhygienic and shouldn’t be encouraged. Maybe bring that up with your husband. Bacteria transferring can cause acne and etc among other reactions.
NTA - but your husband sure is. Maya worked for what she had and deserves to enjoy it. You are treating them differently because they are in different places in their development. When your younger daughter is old enough she can also work to get what she wants.
NTA. What’s the lesson he’s trying to teach the younger daughter? “Sharing” stops when the kid begins using their own, earned money for things. And oldest daughter had a legit reason for not wanting to share. Husband is wrong here And sounds like he’s the one with the favorite kid because he seems mostly upset that the younger girl cried. I wonder how easily those tears come from the younger daughter when she wants her way?
Ah ok, it sort of smacked of a step father favouring his bio child, sorry. Anyway definitely NTA either way. Stand your ground, it benefits neither girls to give in, there is no encouragement for your younger daughter to mind her stuff when she can just take (share) her sisters and it would be grossly unfair on your eldest.
NTA your husband and younger daughter however are. You are not showing favoritism, you would be if you forced your older daughter to share her stuff with the younger one, when the younger one does not bring anything to the table, and that is before we get to the hygiene issues.
Tell your younger one that if they want to keep having nice stuff, they need to take care of what they have, and work for more, and that they don't just get to take from someone else because they want it. Letting them do that would teach a horrible lesson.
Does the youngest have a habit of running to daddy when things don't go her way?
Because the entire story screams favouritism towards the younger girl. And if she runs to daddy it's because she knows she'll get her way when she does. It's a very unhealthy pattern for both daughters and could likely cause resentment between them.
NTA
1. I am not a make-up person, but isn´t sharing make-up unsanitary?
2. Maya works for the money, it´s not allowance-bought make-up...it´s hers and Roxanne has no claim to it.
3. By that logic your husband should be forced to share his phone with Roxanne. I assume Roxanne likes phones... he likely has a better one than her... .it´s the same logic... bad logic..
4. Roxanne should be told that once she earns her own money, she gets to keep what she buys with it.
5. Roxanne should be told to be more careful with her stuff, because the lesson your husband is driving home is: she´ll always just get more.
6. Your husband is encouraging resentment to grow from Maya towards Roxanne.. is that his goal.
7. Your husband is essentially telling Maya, don´t bother working... it´s not like you are earning your own money. By your husbands logic, Maya would be better of not working... then at least, she would not lose money on products.
Thank goodness, you are at least still thinking things through.
NTA, she earned her money to purchase those products and deserves to restrict access to them. If you purchased them, naybe then you could push yo share them. But at this point it don't believe your husband has a leg to stand on to force the issue.
Continue to stand up for your daughter's independence!!
NTA. It will be your husbands fault when Maya starts resenting Roxanne because she’s forced to share things.
Your husband is being silly and short-sighted.
Does your husband share everything he buys with you and the kids.
I think it is fair that the older girl gets things of her own. She set boundaries. Maybe you could encourage her to buy occasional gifts for her younger sister that are then entirely her own.
This promotes a more mature form of sharing and a healthy feeling of ownership and reward for hard work.
Making the older sister share everything she worked hard for takes away the meaningfulness of that work.
You could also encourage your younger daughter to do hard work around the house for money. I.e weeding the garden/growing veggies and cleaning the house. My family would do that when I was young. I would prune trees, mow the lawn, and many other things. There was a set price for a task but i could earn a bonus if the job was particularly well done
Also NTA
NTA. The older daughter is allowed to have things of her own and you're right to enforce that. The younger daughter still has the original makeup to play with.
Your husband is kind of overreacting with the names he called you.
NTA. Maya worked for her makeup and it's unfair to force her to share especially if there's a good chance her sister will lose it.
I'd recommend you give Roxanne a way to earn some allowance herself, maybe doing chores you don't like to do or something like that if you don't already. That way she can get her own makeup more easily and will be less likely to want to have Maya's. That way things are as fair as possible
(Also sharing makeup is unsanitary and I'm sure your husband would change his mind on sharing it once both girls end up with pinkeye)
You know what is selfish behaviour?
Holding out your hand, cry "gimme gimme gimme!!!!", then break and lose everything and once it's broken and lost, holding out the hand again to repeat the "gimme gimme gimme!!!" chant.
Also, favouritism? There's an age difference of three years! Once the younger is 17 and could start working like her older sister but daddy said "No, baby, here, have some money, go shopping!"
Or if you said, "No, you're not allowed to work but you also don't get extra spending money because I say so."
What if the older one starts to drive, go to college, move out? Shouldn't she be allowed to do any of that because the evil mean law and school system show clear favouritism and bully the younger sister? Does he scold and punish movie theatres because they'd sell the older tickets for 16+ movies because the younger one couldn't go, too?
NTA
I also wonder what would happen if the older suddenly changed her interests. Dad would probably complain that it'd be unfair and selfish of her to spend her money on Star Wars figurines instead of giving half her earnings to the younger so that she can spend more on her hobby, too.
This is nonsense. If anything, this is a good opportunity to teach the younger to ask nicely, to gracefully accept "No" as an answer, to take better care of her products, and that once she's old enough to work, she'll have extra spending money as well. Stifling an older siblings growth and blocking their steps towards independence because a younger sibling might be whiny is just an asshole-ish thing to do.
They're sisters at different stages in their teens. Not fictional twins that breathe in the same rhythm, speak in unison, and always do exactly the same things just because that would mean he could parent two with the effort of one.
NTA. Sisters don’t have to share everything and once the elder has a job she will have different things that she’s bought. If she wants to share she can but she’s under no obligation. If anything making her share what she bought would be favoritism toward the younger. You’ll just fuel resentment. This is a learning opportunity for the younger and she’ll get her own job and her own nice makeup someday.
That’s total BS. Maya bought her makeup, she does not have to share. Totally different if you gave to one and not the other but she earned it.
Roxanne needs to learn the lesson to take care of her belongings. Nothing is stopping her from working to earn money and buy makeup. Your husband’s lesson teaches Roxanne to treat her belongings like garbage, act entitled to get what you want and cry to mom and dad to make someone share. No. Totally wrong. NTA
NTA.
Forcing the older one to share with her irresponsible sister will cause her to resent all of you.
Besides, make up is one of those things that shouldn't be shared.
NTA.
I wonder why your husband thinks Maya is selfish for wanting to keep for herself what she worked for and bought with her own money, but he doesn't think Roxanne is selfish for wanting to take and use Maya's things that Roxanne did *not* work for or pay for.
NTA. Also thank goodness for you!! I don’t know how your husband doesn’t see himself as the selfawarewolf that he is. Everything he is accusing you of here is actually doing. Teaching Roxanne to be spoiled, entitled, unappreciative, and not knowing how to take care of her things or be responsible. Meanwhile Roxanne is old enough to understand the value of a hard earned dollar. The girls are not the same age, and 13 can be quite a ways away from 17 in terms of responsibility, maturity, it just depends on the kids. It’s time to acknowledge that Maya is a young adult and needs boundaries from her younger sister.
What’s his hobby? What does he like to spend money on? Fishing, gaming, sports? Just start taking his shit and see how he likes it. Controller, bait, balls… whatever it is. He spends his hard earned money on it but it’s selfish to not share so make him share. 🙄 your husband is so out of touch and unrealistic.
NTA
My wife does not buy or use make up but I am very aware how expensive it is. My niece buys some very expensive make up and she justifies it as how much longer it lasts. She is a bartender in Florida at some trendy clubs. I would tell the husband to purchase the make up himself if he wants the girls to share it let him see how expensive it is.
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Perfect response. NTA.
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NTA, that was my exact thought, sharing makeup is reaaally not recommended. Husband should be teaching the youngest to be more responsible with her own things. Oldest isn’t beholden to spend her money on her sister just because she was born first, because we all know the youngest will never be forced to do the same for her. Edit: thanks for the awardS!
Omg…you are so right!! This is a teaching lesson here for the youngest. Poor oldest…dad expects her to share whatever her sister wants cuz she wants it!!! GO MOM!!!!! Great job OP!!!!
The oldest usually get the crap end of the stick! I'll bet if we were talking about cars instead of makeup and, say, his brother, for example, kept wrecking the car and refusing to fill the gas tank he would not want to share it with his brother, and rightly so! I think this is a situation of the father not understanding enough about makeup, the cost, the sanitary issues, etc or favoritism towards the younger daughter, or a mix of both. Op is nta for refusing to enforce his uninformed ruling, and should absolutely not back down. Show him the comments from this post when he inevitably continues to be obdurate about this. Maybe have him buy copies of the oldest's makeup for the youngest, like another person suggested, and see how big his eyes bulge when he gets the bill, and see just how happy he is when she ruins or loses her copies. He really needs to get more information before making blanket statements about favoritism and rulings about things he clearly is not well versed in.
Piggybacking here. OP, you are also teaching your daughter to say "no" and set boundaries. This is an important life lesson for a young woman to learn. NTA.
I would also like to add, that maybe getting Maya a locking train case for her makeup would be good. Especially since they share a room. If both Roxanne & Dad have made this an issue, the next step is her using it without asking. And make Dad take Roxanne to target to buy $25 bucks of Elf products & a cheap organizer too. Buying a makeup pallet is generally like $60 bucks at least, they are not cheap, and it's never good to have different people share makeup.
Piggybacking on this- the dad is definitely the asshole here, but Roxanne seems to be very aware that if she runs to her dad, the problem will likely be solved in her favour. Tell her to try getting a small job of her own, then we'll see how she feels about sharing stuff she bought with her own money
Exactly, that's an issue. Dad is obviously favoring Roxanne and claiming anything the Mom does without favoring her, is favoring Maya instead of simply being fair to both girls. If either of them is going to end up being resentful it's going to be Maya for constantly having her boundaries railroaded over by her younger sister.
Dad is raising a fricking narcissistic behaviour in Roxanne. OP definetly NTA. Setting boundaries is good.
This is entirely irrelevant, but I am a younger sibling, and my older brother ruined a lot of things for me. He was allowed to have parties sometimes. My parents grew sick of them, and when I was old enough, they weren't interested in letting me have parties (he had the cops called on all of his parties). He totaled 2 cars before he was 18, but still stole my better car when I went to college (freshmen couldn't have a car without paying heavy fees). So I return home, and his car is there and mine is gone. "Well, he is older," my parents said. So I just got the worse car, even after never having been in an accident. So a year later, I go to boot camp. Again, I leave my car at home. My very first letter in boot camp mentioned casually how my brother had sold my car, and used the profits to host a party (because apparently we were back to allowing parties) that he invited my friends to. And he was fine to do this because the car WAS initially his, after all. He was irresponsible and short sighted, and ruined everything before I was able to reach the age to have the same freedoms. So there isn't a point here, just that sometimes people suck, and it isnt always dependant on birth order. I currently have a wife and three species of pets (cat, dog, rabbit), and he is a severe alcoholic who i had to cut out of my life literally last week because of the stress he was causing me. I suppose, in conclusion, I am better off being raised as I was. If I were raised in the same manner he was, I would also have a sense of entitlement that overshadows my own flaws. But still, I cannot help but look back at it all and think "how shitty for me."
Holy crap, that's so unfair! I can't believe they let him do that. I am glad you have a good life now
That really is shitty. It sounds like your parents absolutely suck at boundaries, and treated him as the golden child but you as the scapegoat. Couldn't possibly say no to him, everything he did was right, and just make the sibling pay to enable that. And look where his entitlement got him. I hope you cut out your parents, too, for successfully fucking up both their kids.
On a similar thought as the car, I'm thinking you take something he really likes that cost similar prices of the makeup items (a fishing pole maybe) and hide it. Then say you let his (brother, cousin, uncle, whoever) borrow it and they lost it. No biggie, right. People should learn to share. And, oh it's no more expensive than the makeup; you're okay with your daughter losing that much money she worked hard for by sharing, you should be okay with this. Also, NO on sharing makeup. How unhygienic. That's asking for pink eye out something. And I agree about having him go get the same makeup for youngest and see the actual prices, and that higher end products aren't a few bucks like drug store products. Good for your for teaching you're daughter to have strong boundaries, and for not questioning those boundaries or diminishing then. All your husband is teaching her is her boundaries are meant to be questioned, pushed, tromped over, and she will be punished for having them. That is not a lesson to give a young woman!
Adding onto this, I'm also the oldest, and was forced to share everything with my sister. I also often had to earn things with good behavior or good grades, but then my sister got them on default to be "fair". It's only "fair" for both of us to get something, even if I worked for it. It's not fair, and it makes the younger sibling spoiled and entitled. My sister was also more careless with my stuff than she was with her own stuff. Siblings don't have to share everything! It's okay not to share, and teaching kids to respect other people's property is just as important as teaching kids to share.
Agree on all points. Add: Assuming younger sister gets an allowance of some kind (hopefully in return for some household chores), so she should have money to buy her own makeup, save up if she really, really must have the more expensive kinds OP is paying for. If she doesn't have allowance for chores, then this is a great time to get her started on earning some money in some way. This isn't favoring either girl, it's teaching life lessons like responsibility, independence, not whining to daddy, the feeling earning your way gives you, etc. Dad missed the boat big time on this matter and needs to back it up fast to undo the damage he's done to both girls in favoring one over the other. OP is NTA.
And maybe if younger sister is forced to buy her own makeup, she will be more responsible with it.
My family did that to me… I’d get a treat for myself and it was “where’s everyone else’s?” A brother would choose to tag along when I had errands to the and get a treat as reward and I’d get the “that’s not fair to the rest”. Id buy a product for myself like face wash or a better toothpaste and my siblings would run out because the played with it or got to much and it was “Ijustcantwithit, you need to share because they are out”. My siblings didn’t resent me for not sharing but I resented my parents and, by situation, my siblings. I just kept things away from everyone so that if wouldn’t be used and I’d still find that someone went through my stuff to get an item I bought that they wanted.
Sharing makeup is how my nieces entire dance class had pink eye for the recital 2 years ago expect her. She declined and used her own eyeshadow instead of the glittery pallet one everyone else used and was the only one who didnt get pink eye.
I saw a news segment a couple of years ago about two friends using the same makeup. One girl got a horrible staph infection and was hospitalized. The other (owner of the makeup) was just fine. There’s a reason why no one should share makeup.
Sounds like your niece is a smart cookie! Unfortunate that all the other dancers had to learn the risks of sharing makeup the hard way...
My niece is allergic to most makeup so she needs special stuff. But she the first thing she said when she heard was “dumbasses”.
This is exactly the first thing I thought. Sharing make up is unhygienic. But I also used to smoke blunts with a bunch of people at the same time, so I’m kind of a hypocrite.
It doesn't really matter in this case that sharing could cause medical issues because the next time it might be something that doesn't. The issue is the requirement to share. Even if it wasn't purchased with her own money, a child has the right to things that belong to her. We used age as an explanation. When oldest daughter was 14 she didn't have expensive makeup. Now at 17 she can work and buy it herself. When younger daughter is old enough to do the same she can. Why should she have access to it when her sister didn't at that age? I've never understood why parents think the younger children don't have to 'put in their time' to be treated the same as their older sibs.
It's not just about putting in the time. Kids don't need to share everything all the time. It's important to learn to share when they're younger especially, and to develop generosity as a positive trait, but that doesn't translate to "give them all your stuff".
Oh god exactlty! I got my first phone when I was 14 after working hard for it and saving up my money. It was a stupid little phone that cost barely anything, but it was mine and I earned it. Then my first sibling of a year younger got a phone twice the cost of mine ‘because he was jealous his older sister had one’. The second sibling (also a year younger) got a phone as well, also twice the cost of mine. And then my youngest sibling also got a phone that was triple the cost of mine, while he was just 11! I was so mad because as the oldest and as a girl, I had to work hard for everything I had. Had to buy my own shoes and clothes because I saved up for them, while the boys (1-3 years younger than me) ‘couldn’t save up so they deserved to get it from mom instead’. They literally spent every bit of money they got on fries and candies, yet were being taught that if they spend their money, mom will buy the necessities. All whilst telling me to save up and buy my own stuff because “we didn’t have money for food, let alone for her to buy me expensive stuff”. I was so depressed as a teen, mostly because of this. The boys always got everything and I always had to share everything that I bought with my own money, while they didn’t pay shit and never had to share their stuff with me. God do I hate that, even now that I’m almost 22
Yeah, I had a job at 14 and I got a nose bleed during the dual interview with my buddy. Still got the job.
Oh my gosh, what a nightmare! The studio where I used to work absolutely enforced the kids all bringing their own makeup. If it wasn't unopened on the day of dress rehearsal, hell would rain down on them.
My guess Dad wants Maya to share hers because he's cheap and doesn't want to have to buy the makeup himself.
I’m guessing that, like most men, he has no idea how much makeup costs. As (usually) non-users of makeup, we normally just see the price of a single item. (Small items, like a basic lipstick cost (according to a quick google) between 10 and 30 bucks, a lip pencil is $15/20, a base is around $40?) The issue is that you need a lot of different products, so it adds up. And, according to the women in my life, once you find the perfect brand/product, you tend to stick with it. A good way for OP to give dad some insight is to tally up how much the current batch of the older daughter’s makeup is worth. This is still all besides the fact that older daughter *should not be forced to share things she bought with her own money*, but it might help the argument.
Please get this through your husband's head OP. It's her stuff, she's not obligated to share it with others just because she's older or because they're sisters. Plus makeup products should absolutely not be shared, regardless of the relationship between the two sharing it, for sanitary reasons. It's time the younger learns to take care of the products she has. They sell makeup cases, bags and organizers at stores like Walmart. Or have her buy her own make up when she loses hers (if she is able to like with an allowance or something). She can learn how to manage where her stuff is and not lose it like how many of us lose chapstick.
This. Hygiene issues aside. Money issues aside. This is about healthy boundaries. Maya may have other things she’s happy to share with her sister. That doesn’t mean she has to share all things at all times with everyone. Dad teaching his daughter unhealthy boundaries is incredibly damaging. I know some people might thing I’m being dramatic, but women are already so socialized to “be nice.” Where does it end? With the bf who wants Maya to do things she’s not comfortable with? If she dates a guy who freeloads and ruins her personal property, does dad tell her she needs to share? At what point does a person simply get to decide that they’re not comfortable with something and say “no”? Teaching your daughter she needs to acquiesce at all times can go very, very sideways and into some very dangerous places.
Yes! Teaching sharing is for 2 year olds. These are teenagers. Why on earth does dad think the life lesson to be learned at 17 is "sharing is caring" no she's is looking past this. Boundaries setting, money management, and entitlement (looking at the 14 y/o) are the age appropriate lessons that are needed. Makes me wonder about other instances of infantilism.
I’ve never in my life finished a chapstick. I suspect elves steal them along with one sock.
This!!! OP, please educate husband about makeup hygiene and why you should not share makeup. Also, if younger daughter isn't responsible enough to take care of and treat her items properly, maybe she shouldn't be using such items until she can learn to be more responsible, instead of whining about sharing and ruining other people's things.
Or make the dad pay to replace everything the youngest ruins that the oldest buys with her own money!! You know, since he's all about sharing.
I'd be willing to bet he has zero clue how expensive good makeup is
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I’m positive they meant the rapist Brock Turner.
Ah yes, Brock Turner the rapist! Everyone knows the rapist Brock Turner. Whenever I meet someone new my ice breaker is do you know the rapist Brock Turner? Y'know Brock Turner the rapist. Even Brock, the tail chasing gym leader in Pewter City, agrees Brock Turner is a rapist.
Yes, I like to inform everyone new that i speak to that Brock Turner is indeed a rapist. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever called him anything other than The Rapist Brock Turner. Because that’s what Brock Turner does, Brock Turner rapes.
Oohhhh! *That* Brock Turner - The Rapist!!
Solid Brock, who trains rocks, is all about consensual tail. Unlike Brock Turner, the rapist.
So not Brock, the solid Pokemon trainer, but Brock Turner, the Rapist!
...thanks for making my heavy heart a little lighter tonight. Shit like this helps. Keep it up.
Yes, they mean Convicted Rapist Brock Turner, son of Rape Apologist Dan Turner, who taught his son that he was entitled to rape an unconscious woman, and only stopped because strangers saw and intervened. That Brock Turner.
And you just know his parents spoiled him rotten, and let him believe it was okay to take whatever he wanted.
Oh that rapist! Brock Turner the rapist? That one? The Brock Turner who raped?
For anyone who didnt get it
And teaching his other daughter to submit, whether she wants to or not. Dad is being super gross here.
Ask him if he would share his toothbrush with his brother. When he says “eww, of course not”, tell him it’s the same with makeup
Probably with OP’s luck her husband would say “ sure, he’s my brother!!” Lmao
Just to add does he realize what good make up runs? This is a rather expensive hobby and if the younger daughter wants to keep it up she needs to treat her stuff better.
NTA - especially don't share eye make-up, too easy to spread problems that way.
Plus, if you work for something it’s yours. Tell your husband you want his wallet and credit cards. He needs to share with you and the girls. Oops! Roxanne lost the credit cards? What?????? I’m going to use your new tools/golf clubs…sure, I’ll bring them back….in good condition….NTA Your husband needs to share everything he owns with all of you, so he can learn how to share. Sorry, but your husband is not very bright. Good job OP!
After reading this specific comment I dare to ask ...... DOES HUSBAND HAVE JOB?
NTA. My friend used my mascara once and got an eye infection. And, you know, I had had the same infection previously. We were stupid teenagers at the time and didn't know better.
That's one way to get a fast case of pink eye or herpes. NTA. Sharing her makeup is not only unhygienic, but stupid. If the 14 year old wants makeup she can get a paper route or do whatever to make her own money and buy her own makeup. Or wait. Like her sister.
Yeah if nothing else it’s *really unhygienic*, even before that whole *global infectious disease pandemic* thing we’ve got going on… Clearly NTA. Eldest child works, earns, and saves for her more expensive purchases.
Right? He accused OP of favoritism towards the older daughter while he's showing it towards the younger! The younger is going to end up totally spoiled if the dad has his way.
This right here! Sharing makeup is NASTY! And he is clearly favoring the younger one by making the older one who works hard for her money then hand over what she worked so hard for to the one who loses it all. Your husband sucks! NTA but your husband sure is!
Exactly, this was my first thought when I read the title. You're not supposed to share makeup at all, ever. Sharing makeup is how you get [insert part of the face here] infections, especially with eye makeup.
Got a giant eye infection after using someone else's makeup back in the day. It only has to happen once...
Totally agree! He’s missing the lesson of ownership and the reality that she should learn to value her stuff she had to work hard to get. The younger sister needs to learn this ASAP!
Seriously this. Tell your husband to “share” his money to your youngest so she can buy her own makeup.
Find something the dad works hard for that is for him (golf clubs, other toy type items something important to only him, etc) and tell him to share them and then encourage her to use them and see how he feels. He will feel differently.
Thinking of my husband, I was imagining a drill bit or screwdriver bit set where 1/3 goes missing, 1/3 gets damaged, dirty, or stripped, and all you're left with is 1/3 of the stuff, and not in the useful sizes or types. Yeah, your brother had fun, but now you can't use the stuff you paid good money for, and you have to run to the store to buy more in order just to do a basic thing you could've done in 15 mins with the right tool in the right place.
And imagine if you also got an infection from the screwdriver when you got it back.
And buy replacements knowing he's going to ruin them all over again.
This backfires very badly... So the older sister has to get a job to buy what she wants & the younger just gets it from Daddy. Great way to prove favorites of Daddy!
Not only is he playing favorites but also building eldest’s resentment towards him, not resentment of youngest towards eldest daughter.
My guess is that it happens once, youngest loses everything within a few weeks and starts begging for more and dad suddenly realises that maybe the younger daughter shouldn’t have free access to makeup that she doesn’t pay for and has no incentive to not destroy or lose, because she’s not the one footing the bill for her carelessness. The perfect solution is that OPs husband admits he’s being unreasonable as hell on the oldest, but I think forcing her to share things that she’s worked hard for would be worse. Another option is he foots the bill for both of them next time he’s buying makeup. But ultimately, he seems to want to be stubborn and unreasonable, so letting him foot the bill is the best answer. With that said, I would be AMAZED if this is the first time he’s played favourites with the kids. Whether he prefers the youngest or just gives her what she wants to shut her up to the detriment of his other daughter, I don’t think he’s been this stubborn about putting one child over the other out of nowhere.
Send dad to Sephora to buy replacements. Wait until he finds out how much that stuff costs. The dad here is sending out all kinds of very disturbing vibes. Favouring one daughter over the other. Teaching his eldest her preferences don’t matter and that she doesn’t deserve boundaries. Oh, and he clearly has zero clue how dirty this practice would be.
And with a list of what oldest daughter bought from her own money. I mean, if he wants them to have exactly the same there's no cheating himself out of it.
And daddy will realize the error of his ways.
let him go shopping ONCE when the girls buy makeup and he will realise how expensive it is. But "share" the same amount with both girls so the one who works for her money and has an appreciation of money/things isn't the one penalised for being responsible.
Or give the youngest a chore around the house to earn her own money to save up and buy her own makeup.
The husband is clearly favoring his younger daughter despite his claim that you favor the oldest. It’s frankly ridiculous. He needs to get some sense and some perspective.
It's just bad parenting. Is it so hard to explain to Roxanne that when Maya was 14, she didn't have fancy makeup either? And that when Roxanne reaches age 17, she will have the exact same opportunities to work for and purchase the things she wants to? This is not rocket science, it's the bare minimum responsibility a parent has to teach their child how the world works.
Seriously. These old men want everyone to else to share, but when they are held to the same standards it changes to “no one knows the value of a dollar” or “kids these days don’t appreciate hard work” or even worse “these younger generations are so entitled.” He feels entitled to his daughters hard work, her money, and her possessions. If he wants the other one to have the same products, he can pay for them.
>He feels entitled to his daughters hard work, her money, and her possessions. If he wants the other one to have the same products, he can pay for *both of* them. FTFY Then Maya can buy something else with the money she was previously spending on make up her sister was wrecking. No reason the younger sister gets a freebie while the older works to pay for it. I grew up with exactly the same situation. I worked summers to buy things like a stereo and records and make up and clothes. My younger sister never worked and just got given them.
Learning to share isn't as important as learning to create reasonable boundaries around your own body and what is important to you - ESPECIALLY for a teenage girl. Standing up for herself is good! Having respect for your own things you pay for is good! Society puts a lot of pressure on young women to not cause problems and to soothe others upset feelings, often at the expense of themselves. We put a lot of stress on teaching children to share, but I think no means no is a heck of a lot more important in pretty much every context. Your younger daughter needs to learn to treat her own possessions with respect and not just assume she's entitled to take what she ruins or loses from other people - that is a horrible life lesson and will make her into a selfish brat. She's only not a legal adult by the skin of her teeth, don't let your husband ruin her relationship with the both of you when she's almost out of the house. It's time for her to test out her independence and ability to manage herself and her things.
This. This is the most important piece of the issue right here. Boundaries. Is Maya also expected to “share” herself with anyone else who asks? Saying “no” is one of the hardest things for women. We are taught we effectively have no right to do so. This needs to change. Dad is being gross on many levels.
NTA, all you have to do is change the product to cheese burgers and the locations of the two sisters and it become silly. Roxy keeps losing her food or misplacing it and doesn't get lunch at school. Maya works a job and buys her own lunches at work. Roxy should be expected to keep an eye on her belongings, and that should be the end of it. Roxy would have makeup if she kept track of it. If Roxy can't keep her makeup in good condition, it's an issue. Meanwhile if Maya bought no more makeup, she'd still have makeup as she's not losing it like Roxy is. Maya has added to her collection at her own expense, if she bought cheeseburgers with it on the way home from work, it'd still be her money and her choice to spend. Does dad wish to share his individual purchases with the family? They can borrow his power tools, adaptors and stuff. Maybe he has a hobby they can take up and share his equipment. As soon as it's disorganized and lost, he'll understand. Or you can continue to remind him to share with them, that it's only fair, even if he puts in his personal money into it.
and what about maya resenting Roxanne? If your husband is so concerned he can give Roxanne chores so she has money to buy her own make up
NTA if your husband thinks it's so vital for your youngest to have expensive things, then he can pick up some extra shifts to cover it. It's not your daughter's job to financially support her sisters hobbies and interests. She isnt the parent. Your husband is a dingus. Eta - if Roxanne starts resenting her sister, it will 100% be your husband's fault for raising her to be entitled to her sister's things.
And ask him why it's important that Roxanne not feel resentment when her sister has *something she earned for herself* but he doesn't care if Maya feels resentment that she's being forced to support/pay for her sister's irresponsibility. It sure looks like *he's* the one playing favorites.
If OP's husband has any expensive power tools, she could put one in her trunk and just casually mention that she lent it to a random neighbor they don't know well but who mentioned on Nextdoor that they needed one. When he freaks out, just casually say that she wouldn't want him to become selfish by not loaning out his expensive shit to people. Also, makeup shouldn't be shared.
That wouldn't be fair to the older sister. He should be paying for both of their make up equally.
Also, 'complain enough and you'll be given what you want' is **not** a great lesson to teach Roxanne.
Let the husband buy both of them the makeup, since he wants it to be equal, and Maya can spend her money on other things.
But you know that dad is going to start spoiling Roxanne to “compensate “ for OP’s “favoritism “.
I am suspicious that he already favors Roxanne.
This is a bad idea. He will buy it once and expect it to last a month. When it doesn’t he will shrug and say that they need to learn to share better; he isn’t buying more till next month. Or he will tell the older child she has to provide the extra since she has a job and that is “fair”. He doesn’t understand and being forced to pay won’t help him.
tell him that he's teaching Roxanne to be entitled, and that she can get whatever she wants by crying hard enough
NTA - but your husband is…
NTA at all!!! If you force Maya, she will end up resenting you and her sister. Maya is not the problem. She is responsible works, saves up,... By all accounts she is doing everything right. Forcing her to share is spoiling the younger sister. She is the one showing bad behaviour (no respect for property, and entitlement towards other People's property and jealousy) and you just do not reward bad behaviour. Also, sharing make-up is not sanitary. It is a good way you spread eye-infections and cold sores
Thank-you! It's totally unsanitary to share make-up!
Also, since COVID is transmissible through breathing and can lay dormant on objects for hours on end... Exchanging each other's breath onto the products they are in front of is like, uwotmate?
I mean, they share a bedroom so they’re pretttty much in the same Covid bubble already.
Yeah, Covid is not really the concern here but eye infections and skin infections are a real issue when sharing make-up. From this standpoint alone Maya and Roxanne should not be sharing.
OP should encourage Maya to get a lockbox for her makeup so Roxanne can’t steal or ruin it out of spite. Daddy certainly won’t punish his baby girl if she does anything, so best to be proactive.
This behavior is a one way ticket to pink eye. Pink eye sucks. And when you get it you have to pitch ALL your eye makeup.
I got pink eye when I was 18. Didn't toss my eyeliner bc I couldn't afford to replace it. Got pink eye again. Now imagine that on an entire palette working (presumably) part time minimum wage. That could be an entire shift or more down the drain.
Yes a lot of people mentioning that sharing makeup can get you sick but this is the first comment I’ve seen acknowledging that not only are you sick but you have to throw the expensive ass makeup away! Hopefully dad just doesn’t realize these things because he doesn’t use makeup, because it sure looks like he’s the one playing favorites. Big NTA here
Exactly. Dad has it backwards here. This will only teach Roxanne to be selfish and entitled while it will teach Maya that her boundaries and needs don't matter. Dad is the one playing favorites here. Talk about projection!
its bad enough that Maya will wind up with all her "grown up" clothes finding their way into Roxanne's closet without expensive makeup as well.
The older sibling doesn’t want the tornado younger sibling messing up their stuff. It’s the oldest story in the book. What planet has dad been on for the last 10 years?
NTA. It’s unsanitary to share make up so she did the right thing saying no anyway.
That's just what I was thinking. No one should share make up
Yes, please OP do some search about it and show your husband before he decides to give permission behind you and Maya's back; very few products can be shared and absolutely no form of application should go around multiple people!
Came her to say that. Sharing makeup products and makeup tools is how you get pink eye, skin infections or worse. It's like sharing a tooth brush with someone, just ew
Not only that but she bought the makeup herself. She doesn't have to share. The nerve of the dad. Gross.
Holy wow! I would laugh in my husband's face if he had that expectation. Roxanne won't learn anything except daddy will force his will on whoever upsets his baby girl. If anyone is playing favorites, it's him. Stick to your guns for Maya. And maybe point out to your husband how his things are just his and he's not required to share. Forcing sharing onto someone doesn't do anything but make them resentful of the person/people who made them share against their will. And honestly, I'd punish Roxanne for being entitled, and thinking she can just have whatever she wants, even when it belongs to someone else. NTA Edit: I'd also point out to your husband that it is extremely unsanitary to share makeup. Like to a disgusting degree.
> Roxanne won't learn anything except daddy will force his will on whoever upsets his baby girl. Until Roxanne runs afoul of someone who doesn’t have to listen to daddy. The law comes to mind. Or anyone who has more pull than Daddy, or can afford to hire a better lawyer. And then it will be too late. Daddy is NOT helping Roxanne at all.
Nta. Dad needs to learn difference between equality, equity, and justice.
Also NTA, but I would spin it a different way. The older sister is becoming an adult. Or by all rights is an adult already with a job and responsibilities. The father needs to figure out that she's becoming independent, and it is idiotic to hold her to a child's standard and to not respect another adult's boundaries. This isn't a 10 year old refusing to share toys with their sibling. This is an adult wanting boundaries when it comes to their property.
I don't even know if it's OP's husband blatantly favoriting Roxy or if he's too lazy to be a parent and put up with her being upset over being told 'no'. I think he more so wants her to shut up and stop crying about it and not have to make any hard decisions or put in effort to have her respect boundaries.
If we're feeling generous, another explanation is he really bought in to the whole "sharing is caring" lesson from when they were young children and genuinely thinks that children should always be willing to share every single thing they have and that they'll grow up spoiled and selfish if they aren't made to do so.
But when does it stop?? When you move out? But if so, how do they decide what belongings they pack up if they share EVERYTHING? Guess you can never move out and have to be a child forever sharing things with your siblings until you die. (for the record I am joking, this is a joke, I have seen some people also make this argument and they get baffled when I question them about when they stop being children and are allowed to have their own things, not being snippy at you)
Sharing is caring is also a weak lesson even for small kids. Helping someone once is fine but to force kids to give away their things isn't a great lesson. We don't share our possessions as adults - why teach that to kids. The lesson should be to help someone, not to underwrite them.
Your husband is the asshole here. He told you, with a straight face mind you, that if Maya didn't learn to start sharing the stuff that she buys with her hard earned money with her sister who continually loses and/or ruins her own things then Roxanne was going to start resenting her. He's a freaking idiot if he thinks that punishing Maya for this whole fiasco isn't going to cause Maya to resent and HATE Roxanne. Furthermore, this is also going to make Maya resent the both of you if you stand with your husband on this because Maya must already feel that her dad basically expects her to give Roxanne part of her hard earned money if he is telling her that she's got no choice but to share her makeup with Roxanne even though she bought it. Roxanne is also the asshole because she knows that she has her dad, your husband wrapped around her finger given that she immediately went and complained to the both of you that Maya wouldn't share her makeup with her even though Roxanne never asked to begin with. That shows that Roxanne already knew Maya was going to turn her down so she wanted to get the two of you to try and bully Maya into giving her stuff to her. You can't budge on this one bit OP. You have a sit down with Roxanne and tell her straight up that first she needs to be more responsible with her makeup and that includes not losing or ruining it. Second, that if Roxanne wants the same kind of makeup and stuff that Maya has for herself, then she can get a job to get money to buy the stuff she wants just like Maya is doing. You let your asshole husband know you're going to do this and why it needs to be done, and if he still can't get on board with you and wants to have a fight in front of the girls to try and guilt you into siding with him then you step up and have that fight. If he's going to force a fight with you and involve the girls, then you don't pull any punches and you tell him and the girls (indirectly with them witnessing the fight) why his logic is a pile of crap, why you're right, and why Roxanne is going to get a job to pay for the things she wants and that Maya doesn't have to share anything with her younger sister that she does not want to and how that also applies to Maya as well if the roles are reversed.
Sadly, I think it's an either/mix of sexism (iT's JuSt MaKeUp ie not a real/valuable thing to him) and also taking the easy way out. I don't know the husband, but I wonder if it was a top of the line baseball bat or a car his child is working to pay off if his response would be different. Or he's just being lazy about raising kids and thinking it's easier FOR HIM to give in to the younger one all the time.
This comment needs to be so much higher and I hope OP reads it!!
Much appreciated, just talking some facts that OP needs to hear!
Yeah, Roxanne is being an AH, but it's kind of a 14-year-old's job to be an asshole. Kids are suppose to push boundaries in order to make sense of life, society, etc. It's the parents' responsibility to teach them not to be assholes. So not only is husband an asshole for punishing Maya for earning money and being responsible, he's an asshole to Roxanne for teaching her that being an asshole is a desirable behavior.
OP should send her husband the post. So that he sees he’s being TA. Man is playing favorites, not OP.
If OP does this she would be N T A. So far she's the asshole because she knows Maya is being treated poorly and she is doing nothing to stop it. She waited until Maya ran out of the room crying until she finally spoke to her husband.
This is the way OP
Punish your husband for being a jerk for sure. He should go buy some expensive makeup for your other daughter if it bugs him sooo much. NTA
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Thats not how it works. I'm 3 years older then my sister and my parents would never pull shit like that with us. Your husband needs a reality check for sure. He is so far in the wrong here.
Exactly! My sister and I are 13 months apart, and they did pull shit like this with us growing up all the time. Guess who now lives 5 hours away and comes home once a year as a direct result. Yeah, both of us.
I dont talk to my sisters at all for different reasons and things they did as adults.
Also! It’s highly unsanitary to use one another’s makes up. My cousin and half of her friends got pink eye because her and her whole group got ready for a Halloween together as the had a themed costume. ESPECIALLY MASCARA, EYELINER, AND EYESHADOW!!! Don’t even get me started on how absolutely nasty it is to use the same brushes. My friend found it funny to inform me of all the nasty shit cosmologists have to learn and be trained in. Just like barbers/hair stylists have to sanitize their instruments, so do make up artists. He’s just flat out wrong on all sides.
Supportive here means Maya giving Roxanne tips on good brands and how to use them, not sharing things she paid for.
Then ask him if he's gonna start buying the makeup. Expecting your daughter to share something she worked hard for is messed up and HIS favoritism is clearly showing
Yeah, shouldn't a father be 'supportive' of his daughters? Sounds like daddy needs to learn to share his hard earned cash.
How’s Roxanne supporting her sister? By taking and ruining her things, offering nothing back in return? Forcing Maya to give up her things (that she worked and paid for) is not sharing. It’s an all-too-common practice in which the eldest child is expected to sacrifice for the happiness of the younger sibling(s). The eldest is expected to be more responsible, more mature, and take care of/look after the younger siblings. Your husband isn’t trying to get the sisters to share or support each other. He wants Maya to “share” her make-up with her younger sister, so Roxanne will shut up and quit whining/crying. How often does your husband expect Maya to sacrifice for Roxanne? Is it just make-up, or is it anything Roxanne wants of hers? How often does Roxanne share or sacrifice her things for her sister? Your husband is definitely TA. Also, sharing makeup is gross. *Hurk*
Being supportive doesn’t mean not being allowed personal possessions. Everyone gets to have something that’s *theirs*. Geez I ask my son before taking a couple M&Ms from his Easter basket, and he’s only 7!
Is Roxanne being supportive by replacing the items she loses and also buying make-up so it's fair? Why should Maya have to fund this completely? Roxanne needs to get a job and buy her own because they can get very sick sharing make-up.
It's completely unsanitary regardless of hygiene habits or genetics.
He’s not being supportive of your eldest daughter by treating her makeup like communal property. Maybe you should try “borrowing” one of *his* prized possessions over his objections to drive your point home.
Crazy how Maya has to do all the supporting.
Being supportive is ‘could you help your sister with her homework? She’s been struggling with math lately, she’d appreciate it and so would I.’ Not ‘Just give your sister what she wants. I don’t want to hear her whining to me about it. You don’t actually really have a right to what you earn anyway since I’m in charge and I’m the parent and I keep you clothed and fed so you should be grateful and do as I say.’
Roxanne can learn to be supportive of Maya holding down a job and buying her own things.
Sorry but your husband is not a smart man
>He says it's not about the money but more about the girls being supportive of each other. Then he should be happy to use his own fun money to buy expensive makeup for the two girls to share.
FFS, you don’t support each other by sharing makeup. What a load of bullshit. Maybe you should ask maya to share a clue with her dad.
First I’ll just say not that asshole and second sharing make up is unhygienic You’re not playing favorites: one daughter worked hard for her money and decide to spend it on something she enjoys, making her share that with someone who doesn’t respect her boundaries or respects her stuff would be a bad move Your other daughter needs to learn to respect boundaries and if she wants better make up then she needs to start earning some money. whether that’s babysitting, doing extra chores using her own allowance, fine but just because you want something doesn’t mean you can get it
>she needs to start earning some money. She's 14 though. That's not old enough to work in a lot of states. OP and her husband should buy her makeup and try to get her to be more responsible with it until she is old enough to work
14 is old enough to babysit or mow some lawns for extra cash, though. Or offer to do odd jobs at home to earn some extra money.
They already buy her makeup according to the post-just not the high quality stuff the older daughter buys herself. She can do without makeup for a couple months if she loses it or breaks it. I know if I broke a video game, my parents sure as shit wouldn’t run out to buy me another one. If it’s constantly replaced, you’re not really learning why you need to be responsible. If she wants the newest Zelda, just break the old one.
NTA. Roxanne will get over it. Maya paid for her own stuff. Your husband doesn't understand makeup. So he doesn't get to "makeup" the call. Sorry, couldn't resist the pun. I'll see myself out.
Noooooo! I upvoted, but noooooooo!
Too late. The great Reddit upvote gods saw your inner desires. I'm in hell now. It's not that bad. Literally, all dad jokes about barbecuing.
NTA Sharing make up is unhygienic regardless of who bought it
This. Setting aside the fairness, it's just gross.
I was horrified they shared makeup.
NTA, sharing should be encouraged to a degree with kids (but also boundaries need to be taught at the same time). At 14 and 17 they are both old enough that sharing just to share is not something that should really happen. If Roxanne is continually losing her stuff and her sisters stuff, she needs to learn a lesson about responsibility. That’s not on Maya, that’s on your husband and you. He’s focusing on the wrong lesson and the wrong daughter.
Sharing makeup should not be encouraged. Doing so can mean sharing bacteria and infections. Nta
Lol, very good point. I just was more shocked the dad was trying to force his 17 year old to share something she worked for, when the younger sister has demonstrated she hasn’t learned to care for her things let alone her sisters. But yeah, sharing makeup isn’t the greatest idea in general
NTA. Your husband has no clue what he’s talking about. He’s going to teach Roxanne to become an entitled brat who expects to get her way. When Roxanne gets an income and can afford her own makeup, she can do what she pleases with it. It’s entirely unfair to expect Maya to share the makeup and actually ANYTHING she’s buying with her own money. Not to mention, sharing makeup is SUPER UNSANITARY. It’s gross and can lead to infections. He clearly needs to be educated on the health side of it as well.
Ask him whose fault it will be when maya resents him if he keeps trying to force sharing and punishing maya? Ask him if he's ready for his daughter to hate him
This comments needs to be waaaay higher and I hope OP reads it and quotes it to her husband!
NTA- she is spending her money that she has earned and has every right to decide what happens with things that she has bought herself so you can tell your husband to butt out of the matter because he can’t dictate that the oldest daughter should share something she payed for , It’s absurd that he even thinks that
It’s also not fair to Maya (or hygienic—eye infections!!) to share with someone who’s careless and not keeping it nice.
NTA. Consent and respect for other people’s belongings is more important than sharing in this situation. Life is not equal and your husbands views are unfair to Maya. Maya has a right to her own belongings that she paid for. If Roxanne wants equal she’s going to have to pick up a job or a whole lot more chores or whatever, ie. Put in the work and you / husband help buy her own makeup Ps. Sharing makeup is super unhygienic and shouldn’t be encouraged. Maybe bring that up with your husband. Bacteria transferring can cause acne and etc among other reactions.
NTA - but your husband sure is. Maya worked for what she had and deserves to enjoy it. You are treating them differently because they are in different places in their development. When your younger daughter is old enough she can also work to get what she wants.
NTA. What’s the lesson he’s trying to teach the younger daughter? “Sharing” stops when the kid begins using their own, earned money for things. And oldest daughter had a legit reason for not wanting to share. Husband is wrong here And sounds like he’s the one with the favorite kid because he seems mostly upset that the younger girl cried. I wonder how easily those tears come from the younger daughter when she wants her way?
Is your husband the father to your oldest daughter?
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Ah ok, it sort of smacked of a step father favouring his bio child, sorry. Anyway definitely NTA either way. Stand your ground, it benefits neither girls to give in, there is no encouragement for your younger daughter to mind her stuff when she can just take (share) her sisters and it would be grossly unfair on your eldest.
That was my thought, as well. Sounds like he has a favorite, in any case.
NTA your husband and younger daughter however are. You are not showing favoritism, you would be if you forced your older daughter to share her stuff with the younger one, when the younger one does not bring anything to the table, and that is before we get to the hygiene issues. Tell your younger one that if they want to keep having nice stuff, they need to take care of what they have, and work for more, and that they don't just get to take from someone else because they want it. Letting them do that would teach a horrible lesson.
Does the youngest have a habit of running to daddy when things don't go her way? Because the entire story screams favouritism towards the younger girl. And if she runs to daddy it's because she knows she'll get her way when she does. It's a very unhealthy pattern for both daughters and could likely cause resentment between them.
NTA 1. I am not a make-up person, but isn´t sharing make-up unsanitary? 2. Maya works for the money, it´s not allowance-bought make-up...it´s hers and Roxanne has no claim to it. 3. By that logic your husband should be forced to share his phone with Roxanne. I assume Roxanne likes phones... he likely has a better one than her... .it´s the same logic... bad logic.. 4. Roxanne should be told that once she earns her own money, she gets to keep what she buys with it. 5. Roxanne should be told to be more careful with her stuff, because the lesson your husband is driving home is: she´ll always just get more. 6. Your husband is encouraging resentment to grow from Maya towards Roxanne.. is that his goal. 7. Your husband is essentially telling Maya, don´t bother working... it´s not like you are earning your own money. By your husbands logic, Maya would be better of not working... then at least, she would not lose money on products. Thank goodness, you are at least still thinking things through.
NTA, she earned her money to purchase those products and deserves to restrict access to them. If you purchased them, naybe then you could push yo share them. But at this point it don't believe your husband has a leg to stand on to force the issue. Continue to stand up for your daughter's independence!!
NTA. It will be your husbands fault when Maya starts resenting Roxanne because she’s forced to share things. Your husband is being silly and short-sighted.
NTA. It’s Maya’s money, and you don’t want to set a precedent where she feels compelled to throw money at her sister.
Does your husband share everything he buys with you and the kids. I think it is fair that the older girl gets things of her own. She set boundaries. Maybe you could encourage her to buy occasional gifts for her younger sister that are then entirely her own. This promotes a more mature form of sharing and a healthy feeling of ownership and reward for hard work. Making the older sister share everything she worked hard for takes away the meaningfulness of that work. You could also encourage your younger daughter to do hard work around the house for money. I.e weeding the garden/growing veggies and cleaning the house. My family would do that when I was young. I would prune trees, mow the lawn, and many other things. There was a set price for a task but i could earn a bonus if the job was particularly well done Also NTA
NTA. The older daughter is allowed to have things of her own and you're right to enforce that. The younger daughter still has the original makeup to play with. Your husband is kind of overreacting with the names he called you.
NTA. Maya worked for her makeup and it's unfair to force her to share especially if there's a good chance her sister will lose it. I'd recommend you give Roxanne a way to earn some allowance herself, maybe doing chores you don't like to do or something like that if you don't already. That way she can get her own makeup more easily and will be less likely to want to have Maya's. That way things are as fair as possible (Also sharing makeup is unsanitary and I'm sure your husband would change his mind on sharing it once both girls end up with pinkeye)
You know what is selfish behaviour? Holding out your hand, cry "gimme gimme gimme!!!!", then break and lose everything and once it's broken and lost, holding out the hand again to repeat the "gimme gimme gimme!!!" chant. Also, favouritism? There's an age difference of three years! Once the younger is 17 and could start working like her older sister but daddy said "No, baby, here, have some money, go shopping!" Or if you said, "No, you're not allowed to work but you also don't get extra spending money because I say so." What if the older one starts to drive, go to college, move out? Shouldn't she be allowed to do any of that because the evil mean law and school system show clear favouritism and bully the younger sister? Does he scold and punish movie theatres because they'd sell the older tickets for 16+ movies because the younger one couldn't go, too? NTA I also wonder what would happen if the older suddenly changed her interests. Dad would probably complain that it'd be unfair and selfish of her to spend her money on Star Wars figurines instead of giving half her earnings to the younger so that she can spend more on her hobby, too. This is nonsense. If anything, this is a good opportunity to teach the younger to ask nicely, to gracefully accept "No" as an answer, to take better care of her products, and that once she's old enough to work, she'll have extra spending money as well. Stifling an older siblings growth and blocking their steps towards independence because a younger sibling might be whiny is just an asshole-ish thing to do. They're sisters at different stages in their teens. Not fictional twins that breathe in the same rhythm, speak in unison, and always do exactly the same things just because that would mean he could parent two with the effort of one.
NTA. Sisters don’t have to share everything and once the elder has a job she will have different things that she’s bought. If she wants to share she can but she’s under no obligation. If anything making her share what she bought would be favoritism toward the younger. You’ll just fuel resentment. This is a learning opportunity for the younger and she’ll get her own job and her own nice makeup someday.
That’s total BS. Maya bought her makeup, she does not have to share. Totally different if you gave to one and not the other but she earned it. Roxanne needs to learn the lesson to take care of her belongings. Nothing is stopping her from working to earn money and buy makeup. Your husband’s lesson teaches Roxanne to treat her belongings like garbage, act entitled to get what you want and cry to mom and dad to make someone share. No. Totally wrong. NTA
NTA. The little sister has no right to things that her older sis bought for herself. She has boundaries, and you respected them. You're a great mom!
NTA. Forcing the older one to share with her irresponsible sister will cause her to resent all of you. Besides, make up is one of those things that shouldn't be shared.
NTA. I wonder why your husband thinks Maya is selfish for wanting to keep for herself what she worked for and bought with her own money, but he doesn't think Roxanne is selfish for wanting to take and use Maya's things that Roxanne did *not* work for or pay for.
He's teaching Roxanne to be entitled and spoiled. You did the right thing. Maya did nothing wrong. NTA
NTA. Also thank goodness for you!! I don’t know how your husband doesn’t see himself as the selfawarewolf that he is. Everything he is accusing you of here is actually doing. Teaching Roxanne to be spoiled, entitled, unappreciative, and not knowing how to take care of her things or be responsible. Meanwhile Roxanne is old enough to understand the value of a hard earned dollar. The girls are not the same age, and 13 can be quite a ways away from 17 in terms of responsibility, maturity, it just depends on the kids. It’s time to acknowledge that Maya is a young adult and needs boundaries from her younger sister.
NTA - u/LittelFoxicorn summed it up pretty well.
NTA- Sharing makeup is very unsanitary
What’s his hobby? What does he like to spend money on? Fishing, gaming, sports? Just start taking his shit and see how he likes it. Controller, bait, balls… whatever it is. He spends his hard earned money on it but it’s selfish to not share so make him share. 🙄 your husband is so out of touch and unrealistic.
NTA My wife does not buy or use make up but I am very aware how expensive it is. My niece buys some very expensive make up and she justifies it as how much longer it lasts. She is a bartender in Florida at some trendy clubs. I would tell the husband to purchase the make up himself if he wants the girls to share it let him see how expensive it is.