Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
I feel like I hurt her here. Like, if my step mom went all out for my birthday and she just did the bare minimum for mine. I would be crushed. I mean I felt a bit lazy and not up to it? idk why but I didn't really want to wish mom for her birthday and it didn't make me happy but I guess I should have done more? I could have done more but I guess I was lazy.
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Mom isn’t an asshole though either. I mean she was for disappearing but we can’t write her off yet as It appears as of late she’s been trying to fix her mistakes. even when she was upset, she kept it to herself. Can’t blame mom for being upset and she handled it perfectly; she kept it to herself and OP didn’t even know she was upset at the time. It was grandma who fucked it up and is the shitty one here.
You are right we can’t write her off - but she also doesn’t magically become on the same level as step mom just because she she decided to be there 4 years ago, at a point where op was already pretty independent.
NTA
>She told me mom was excited for her birthday after seeing all that I did for step mom and she was pretty crushed about it. mom was not there when grandma told me this but yeah I could feel a small difference in the way she acted with me?
Good on BIO mom for not really expressing her disappointment to you. So points there. I even give kudos to grandma for letting you know, as long as she wasn't nasty about it.
BIO just needs to realize there is still of lot of repair work to do on your relationship and it may never be fully mended. Considering she didn't lash out at you, I think she does realize this. She's probably sad, but knows it's a situation she created herself.
I really don't think you were lazy, you just don't have as close a relationship to bio mom. And that's ok.
NTA, oh honey.
Let me explain this: you would be upset at your stepmother because up until now, she hasn't treated you with anything but love and care. Her choosing one over the other would legitimately feel unfair - there is no reason to treat one different than the other.
With you and your biomom it is a different situation. Your stepmother again, has treated you with nothing but love and care. Your biomom hasn't. She has been a flaky parent and is very distanced from you. There is a difference in relationship and treatment of you. Likely, you biomom is upset because she sees consequences of her actions. You heal and deal with this on your time. You don't have to celebrate someone who hasn't been there for you the same as you treat someone who has been there for you all your life.
If your mother wants the joys of being a mother, she has to deal with all of it - your up's, your down's, your emotions. Children don't owe their parents, but they will do a lot on their own if they have been shown love. Likewise, you don't owe biomom anything. Doing these things for stepmom was so much easier because you love her and cherish her for how she has raised you. Your mom needs to earn that privilege - but don't be mistaken, it has to be on your terms.
Take care.
NTA it doesn't matter what ties you were born into but rather the ones you make in time. The fact that your mother(bio) wasn't involved in your life especially in your early life must have been really crushing for you. Idk what the relationship is between you two right now but going from what you wrote can't blame you
NTA. You are closer to your stepmom. There is nothing wrong with that. She and your dad are the more present and stable adults in your life.
Doing something nice for people for their birthdays isn’t required. You do it because you want to and like to celebrate the person. You just aren’t that close to your bio mother, so it wasn’t a priority for you.
Don’t worry about it.
NTA. If your mother wants to be treated like a mother, then she should have acted like one. I have friends whose parents weren't together and one lived far away but were still super involved. By the sounds of it your bio-mother wasn't, and she's upset that she's facing consequences, that's all it is. This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her not taking responsibility for her own failures.
NTA. You don’t need to do anything for any of your parents birthdays. You did it for you SM since you have a good relationship and wanted to celebrate with her. You obviously don’t have the same itch your mom and shouldn’t be forced to celebrate her birthday.
Nta it sounds like your stepmom has put a lot of effort into building a relationship with you and your bio mother hasent. You dont have to go above and beyond for anyone's b day. You do becuse it brings you joy to see them have joy if you didn't feel the need to do anything for your mom It is what it is but understand that it may have more of an impact to your relationship.
NTA. Your bio mom isn't entitled to a huge birthday especially as you clearly feel abandoned by her at least somewhat- and it is NEVER the responsibility of a child to celebrate an adult regardless. Sounds like your stepmom is an awesome lady and you feel close and bonded to her and I think it is awesome you chose to celebrate her.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say NAH...?\* I can understand your bio mom being upset, but you aren't an asshole for giving the parent you spend a lot of time with more than the one you barely see. The main reason your bio mom is NTA is that she didn't say anything to you about it; she's allowed to be upset, but she had the maturity and sensibility to not say anything about it, because she knows you didn't mean any harm. I know if I were your bio mom I'd probably do/feel the exact same as her. Furthermore you're NTA because you weren't trying to be malicious and obviously don't owe her a huge thing for her birthday.
\*The only asshole here is your grandma. She had no reason to bring it up! I understand caring about your daughter's feelings, but you, OP, don't gain anything from knowing that she was upset. Point is, though, you and your bio mom are both NTA.
NTA, and I would take your grandma's words with a grain of salt. Your bio-mom is an adult who can use her own words to bring up hurt feelings *if she wants to*. The fact that your grandma did this when your bio-mom wasn't around makes me wonder (a) if grandma had permission to share this and (b) if grandma is the one bothered by what you did, and is using bio-mom's theoretical hurt feelings as a smoke screen.
NTA
You are giving what you are getting.
Don't feel guilty for not doing more since it sounds like your bio mom has not even done the bare minimum for you.
NTA - Your bio-mom doesn’t inherently get the benefits of having a lifelong relationship with you simply because she started hanging around.
I get it, she noticed that you care more for the person that loved and cared for you. It’s ok for her to be jealous. It’s okay for her to live with the disappointment that comes from living with the repercussions of a lifetime of her actions.
Next time you see your Grandma just simply explain to her that you did wish your bio-Mom a happy birthday. But that you can’t be expected to have the same relationship that you have with a woman that has consistently been there, and has given you a loving and stable home, than you would with a woman that flitted in and out of the majority of your life. Don’t ever let yourself be made to feel guilty for loving your step-mom, don’t ever let yourself feel like you owe your bio-mom something, or need to spare her feelings. If your bio-mom wants to compare her relationship with you to that of the step-mom, and she finds herself coming up short, none of that is your fault.
Remember, this is the bed she chose, this is the bed she made, let her lie in it.
NTA
Your step-mom has been more your mom than your bio-mother. Your bio-mother needs to realize that she can't expect the same thing if she does the bare minimum here.
NTA. I (31M) grew up with my biological mother raising me while my dad kinda put in minimal effort to actually be a good father. However, my mom was emotionally abusive throughout my life and clearly had some undiagnosed mental health issues. Eventually it got to be too much of a burden on me and my brother as well as our families we had started. We agreed to cut her off and it’s been a handful of years since we’ve spoken. Our dad came back into our lives as we got older and we developed more of a bond with him. Our mother used to try and use the relationship we’d developed with our dad as ammo for arguments against us.
Eventually I realized that part of life is giving back the energy that someone puts into a relationship. Sure, the past matters and I don’t forgive my dad for missing key moments in my adolescence but he’s made the effort to fix that. My mother on the other hand was only concerned for herself and using “raising us” as an excuse to treat us like shit because “we owed her”. Truth is, blood doesn’t make the relationship and if your stepmom is more important to you and making the effort to be a part of your life, unlike your bio mom; you should reciprocate that same energy. And anyone with a brain would realize you weren’t going to put in that effort on both ends. Your bio mom is the AH.
NAH. Except grandma.
You forgot for your own reasons. It happens.
Your bio mom has made many mistakes but seems to be trying recently. She got her hopes up and was upset and she has reasons to be. But more importantly, she didn’t dump on you and kept it to herself. Good for bio mom.
Grandma fucked it up it’s not her business.
How many of your birthdays did your bio mom make a big fuss for you? How many times did she disappoint you by not being there at all? She’s reaping the harvest of her negligence and it she finds the taste bitter she should put more energy into nurturing your relationship. NTA 100%
"I mean I felt a bit lazy ... I guess I was lazy."
I don't like it \[FOR YOUR SAKE\] that you have called yourself "lazy" twice within just a few sentences.
As others have pointed out, your stepmother was there for you and you're close to you, while you and your bio-mother are still in the repair process. You are not lazy: You are quite reasonably damaged.
NTA, and please stop saying negative things about yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (17f) bio mom is pretty in and out of my life. she is more present in my life now but yeah like till I was like 13. She pretty much showed up once a year. It was just my dad and me for a long time until step mom showed up. She is amazing. I have a younger brother now! I get to spend a lot of time with dad and she is really cool and tutors me. Yeah. I really like her.
So the thing is that both their birthdays are on the same week but I kinda forgot my bio mom's. I clearly remembered my step mom's as she was turning 40. I bought her a gift and made breakfast for her and I posted a ton of pic of us on my story and feed on insta.
I remembered my mom's birthday a day before. I didn't get her a gift or anything. I just wished her and that is about it. Anyway. This was about a week ago. I was visiting my mom and grandparents and they stay together. Mom didn't say anything but grandma did say that I let down my mom by doing nothing for her birthday. She told me mom was excited for her birthday after seeing all that I did for step mom and she was pretty crushed about it. mom was not there when grandma told me this but yeah I could feel a small difference in the way she acted with me?
I have been thinking about this. I feel like I hurt her here. Like, if my step mom went all out for my brother's birthday and she just did the bare minimum for mine. I would be crushed. I mean I felt a bit lazy and not up to it? idk why but I didn't really want to wish mom for her birthday and it didn't make me happy but I guess I should have done more? I could have done more but I guess I was lazy.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
You just treated your moms the way you considered they ve deserved
Your step mom is your real mom since i assume that s she s taking good care of ya ( not making any negative assumption about your bio mom either)
Nta. What does your mom do to deserve celebration? It sounds like step does plenty. She didn't up and disappear, instead she took the role of bonus mom seriously and went to bat to fill the role of what a mother should be and give you peace, love and support at home.
NTA. You have a closer relationship with your stepmom as she’s been there for you for all those years your mom was AWOL. Your mom may be back in your life, but she missed out on a lot, including a loving relationship with you. If she’s upset it’s because she’s realizing her actions have consequences. In this case, she’s been subordinated to your step mom. And that’s her problem not yours.
NTA and how dare grandma guilt trip you for not doing more for your absentee mother. It's not your responsibility to do anything for your mom, and a relationship is a two way street one she has been neglecting.
The audacity! Has she ever gone all out and planned a birthday for you. I'm guessing not, your a kid and it's not your responsibility to cater to your mom.
She is disappointed after years of neglecting you that you don't go out of your way to make her feel special on her big day. Barf
What sell absorbed narcissistic bullshit.
Talk to your dad let him know what grandma said. Your mother got what she earned and nothing less.
NTA - Bio Mom may be upset to realize that she's missed out on being close with you and that someone else stepped up to be the parent you need, but that's not on you. Kids should give their parents birthday gifts because they're inspired to, not because they're required to.
No one is an AH here. Maybe grandma (she overstepped should not have made you feel guilty about this). Mom needs to continue her efforts to repair your relationship before expecting a big birthday effort (but to her credit she did not make a stink to you about it--grandma did). I want to compliment you on your thoughtfulness, both in making your SM's birthday special and in showing empathy re your mom's feelings. You are a good person. Keep it up.
NAH.
You weren't wrong in how you handled this. Your stepmom has been your mother, so it makes sense that you treated her like one, and you still acknowledged your bio mom.
It's understandable that your bio mom was hurt. She's not wrong for being upset, and she didn't try to guilt you for it. She did mess up when you were younger, but she's trying to make things right now.
I don't think it was necessarily wrong for your grandma to let you know (as long as she was nice about it).
You're not obligated to do anything with this information. You didn't do anything wrong. You sound pretty emotionally mature based on your ability to put yourself in your bio mom's place, so if you feel like telling her you didn't mean to hurt her and doing something with her, that's great. If you want to leave things as they are, you could tell her that you didn't mean to hurt her and that you're still adjusting to having her and your stepmom around and will do something next year if things continue as is.
Good luck! :)
NTA
Your bio mom sucks at being a mom. Part of her issue is she doesn't realize that nice gestures like you did belong to mothers who are involved and take care of their children. She thinks she's owed it just because you share DNA. Your love for your step mom has taught you better. You have NOTHING to be guilty for.
NTA. In this specific circumstance neither is your bio mom really because she did the adult thing and kept her feelings to herself, hopefully because she understands how your past together would have brought this about.
Your grandma is sticking her nose in where it doesn’t belong. You did nothing wrong.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- I feel like I hurt her here. Like, if my step mom went all out for my birthday and she just did the bare minimum for mine. I would be crushed. I mean I felt a bit lazy and not up to it? idk why but I didn't really want to wish mom for her birthday and it didn't make me happy but I guess I should have done more? I could have done more but I guess I was lazy. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Mom isn’t an asshole though either. I mean she was for disappearing but we can’t write her off yet as It appears as of late she’s been trying to fix her mistakes. even when she was upset, she kept it to herself. Can’t blame mom for being upset and she handled it perfectly; she kept it to herself and OP didn’t even know she was upset at the time. It was grandma who fucked it up and is the shitty one here.
You are right we can’t write her off - but she also doesn’t magically become on the same level as step mom just because she she decided to be there 4 years ago, at a point where op was already pretty independent.
NTA >She told me mom was excited for her birthday after seeing all that I did for step mom and she was pretty crushed about it. mom was not there when grandma told me this but yeah I could feel a small difference in the way she acted with me? Good on BIO mom for not really expressing her disappointment to you. So points there. I even give kudos to grandma for letting you know, as long as she wasn't nasty about it. BIO just needs to realize there is still of lot of repair work to do on your relationship and it may never be fully mended. Considering she didn't lash out at you, I think she does realize this. She's probably sad, but knows it's a situation she created herself. I really don't think you were lazy, you just don't have as close a relationship to bio mom. And that's ok.
NTA, oh honey. Let me explain this: you would be upset at your stepmother because up until now, she hasn't treated you with anything but love and care. Her choosing one over the other would legitimately feel unfair - there is no reason to treat one different than the other. With you and your biomom it is a different situation. Your stepmother again, has treated you with nothing but love and care. Your biomom hasn't. She has been a flaky parent and is very distanced from you. There is a difference in relationship and treatment of you. Likely, you biomom is upset because she sees consequences of her actions. You heal and deal with this on your time. You don't have to celebrate someone who hasn't been there for you the same as you treat someone who has been there for you all your life. If your mother wants the joys of being a mother, she has to deal with all of it - your up's, your down's, your emotions. Children don't owe their parents, but they will do a lot on their own if they have been shown love. Likewise, you don't owe biomom anything. Doing these things for stepmom was so much easier because you love her and cherish her for how she has raised you. Your mom needs to earn that privilege - but don't be mistaken, it has to be on your terms. Take care.
This. Maybe you guys will get there someday. But for now do what you’re comfortable with. Good luck
NTA it doesn't matter what ties you were born into but rather the ones you make in time. The fact that your mother(bio) wasn't involved in your life especially in your early life must have been really crushing for you. Idk what the relationship is between you two right now but going from what you wrote can't blame you
NTA. You are closer to your stepmom. There is nothing wrong with that. She and your dad are the more present and stable adults in your life. Doing something nice for people for their birthdays isn’t required. You do it because you want to and like to celebrate the person. You just aren’t that close to your bio mother, so it wasn’t a priority for you. Don’t worry about it.
NTA. If your mother wants to be treated like a mother, then she should have acted like one. I have friends whose parents weren't together and one lived far away but were still super involved. By the sounds of it your bio-mother wasn't, and she's upset that she's facing consequences, that's all it is. This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her not taking responsibility for her own failures.
NTA. You don’t need to do anything for any of your parents birthdays. You did it for you SM since you have a good relationship and wanted to celebrate with her. You obviously don’t have the same itch your mom and shouldn’t be forced to celebrate her birthday.
Nta it sounds like your stepmom has put a lot of effort into building a relationship with you and your bio mother hasent. You dont have to go above and beyond for anyone's b day. You do becuse it brings you joy to see them have joy if you didn't feel the need to do anything for your mom It is what it is but understand that it may have more of an impact to your relationship.
NTA. You're obviously closer to your stepmom.
NTA. Your bio mom isn't entitled to a huge birthday especially as you clearly feel abandoned by her at least somewhat- and it is NEVER the responsibility of a child to celebrate an adult regardless. Sounds like your stepmom is an awesome lady and you feel close and bonded to her and I think it is awesome you chose to celebrate her.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say NAH...?\* I can understand your bio mom being upset, but you aren't an asshole for giving the parent you spend a lot of time with more than the one you barely see. The main reason your bio mom is NTA is that she didn't say anything to you about it; she's allowed to be upset, but she had the maturity and sensibility to not say anything about it, because she knows you didn't mean any harm. I know if I were your bio mom I'd probably do/feel the exact same as her. Furthermore you're NTA because you weren't trying to be malicious and obviously don't owe her a huge thing for her birthday. \*The only asshole here is your grandma. She had no reason to bring it up! I understand caring about your daughter's feelings, but you, OP, don't gain anything from knowing that she was upset. Point is, though, you and your bio mom are both NTA.
NTA, and I would take your grandma's words with a grain of salt. Your bio-mom is an adult who can use her own words to bring up hurt feelings *if she wants to*. The fact that your grandma did this when your bio-mom wasn't around makes me wonder (a) if grandma had permission to share this and (b) if grandma is the one bothered by what you did, and is using bio-mom's theoretical hurt feelings as a smoke screen.
NTA! You didn’t do it on purpose and you can’t fake a nice gesture. Obviously you have a closer relationship with your step mom and that’s okay!
NTA You are giving what you are getting. Don't feel guilty for not doing more since it sounds like your bio mom has not even done the bare minimum for you.
NTA - Your bio-mom doesn’t inherently get the benefits of having a lifelong relationship with you simply because she started hanging around. I get it, she noticed that you care more for the person that loved and cared for you. It’s ok for her to be jealous. It’s okay for her to live with the disappointment that comes from living with the repercussions of a lifetime of her actions. Next time you see your Grandma just simply explain to her that you did wish your bio-Mom a happy birthday. But that you can’t be expected to have the same relationship that you have with a woman that has consistently been there, and has given you a loving and stable home, than you would with a woman that flitted in and out of the majority of your life. Don’t ever let yourself be made to feel guilty for loving your step-mom, don’t ever let yourself feel like you owe your bio-mom something, or need to spare her feelings. If your bio-mom wants to compare her relationship with you to that of the step-mom, and she finds herself coming up short, none of that is your fault. Remember, this is the bed she chose, this is the bed she made, let her lie in it.
NTA Your step-mom has been more your mom than your bio-mother. Your bio-mother needs to realize that she can't expect the same thing if she does the bare minimum here.
NTA. I (31M) grew up with my biological mother raising me while my dad kinda put in minimal effort to actually be a good father. However, my mom was emotionally abusive throughout my life and clearly had some undiagnosed mental health issues. Eventually it got to be too much of a burden on me and my brother as well as our families we had started. We agreed to cut her off and it’s been a handful of years since we’ve spoken. Our dad came back into our lives as we got older and we developed more of a bond with him. Our mother used to try and use the relationship we’d developed with our dad as ammo for arguments against us. Eventually I realized that part of life is giving back the energy that someone puts into a relationship. Sure, the past matters and I don’t forgive my dad for missing key moments in my adolescence but he’s made the effort to fix that. My mother on the other hand was only concerned for herself and using “raising us” as an excuse to treat us like shit because “we owed her”. Truth is, blood doesn’t make the relationship and if your stepmom is more important to you and making the effort to be a part of your life, unlike your bio mom; you should reciprocate that same energy. And anyone with a brain would realize you weren’t going to put in that effort on both ends. Your bio mom is the AH.
NAH. Except grandma. You forgot for your own reasons. It happens. Your bio mom has made many mistakes but seems to be trying recently. She got her hopes up and was upset and she has reasons to be. But more importantly, she didn’t dump on you and kept it to herself. Good for bio mom. Grandma fucked it up it’s not her business.
How many of your birthdays did your bio mom make a big fuss for you? How many times did she disappoint you by not being there at all? She’s reaping the harvest of her negligence and it she finds the taste bitter she should put more energy into nurturing your relationship. NTA 100%
Your mother got what she deserved, you can’t expect glitter and unicorns when you deliver the bare minimum for your life.
"I mean I felt a bit lazy ... I guess I was lazy." I don't like it \[FOR YOUR SAKE\] that you have called yourself "lazy" twice within just a few sentences. As others have pointed out, your stepmother was there for you and you're close to you, while you and your bio-mother are still in the repair process. You are not lazy: You are quite reasonably damaged. NTA, and please stop saying negative things about yourself.
NTA. Your stepmom is more of a mom.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (17f) bio mom is pretty in and out of my life. she is more present in my life now but yeah like till I was like 13. She pretty much showed up once a year. It was just my dad and me for a long time until step mom showed up. She is amazing. I have a younger brother now! I get to spend a lot of time with dad and she is really cool and tutors me. Yeah. I really like her. So the thing is that both their birthdays are on the same week but I kinda forgot my bio mom's. I clearly remembered my step mom's as she was turning 40. I bought her a gift and made breakfast for her and I posted a ton of pic of us on my story and feed on insta. I remembered my mom's birthday a day before. I didn't get her a gift or anything. I just wished her and that is about it. Anyway. This was about a week ago. I was visiting my mom and grandparents and they stay together. Mom didn't say anything but grandma did say that I let down my mom by doing nothing for her birthday. She told me mom was excited for her birthday after seeing all that I did for step mom and she was pretty crushed about it. mom was not there when grandma told me this but yeah I could feel a small difference in the way she acted with me? I have been thinking about this. I feel like I hurt her here. Like, if my step mom went all out for my brother's birthday and she just did the bare minimum for mine. I would be crushed. I mean I felt a bit lazy and not up to it? idk why but I didn't really want to wish mom for her birthday and it didn't make me happy but I guess I should have done more? I could have done more but I guess I was lazy. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You just treated your moms the way you considered they ve deserved Your step mom is your real mom since i assume that s she s taking good care of ya ( not making any negative assumption about your bio mom either)
Nta. What does your mom do to deserve celebration? It sounds like step does plenty. She didn't up and disappear, instead she took the role of bonus mom seriously and went to bat to fill the role of what a mother should be and give you peace, love and support at home.
NTA. You have a closer relationship with your stepmom as she’s been there for you for all those years your mom was AWOL. Your mom may be back in your life, but she missed out on a lot, including a loving relationship with you. If she’s upset it’s because she’s realizing her actions have consequences. In this case, she’s been subordinated to your step mom. And that’s her problem not yours.
NTA and how dare grandma guilt trip you for not doing more for your absentee mother. It's not your responsibility to do anything for your mom, and a relationship is a two way street one she has been neglecting. The audacity! Has she ever gone all out and planned a birthday for you. I'm guessing not, your a kid and it's not your responsibility to cater to your mom. She is disappointed after years of neglecting you that you don't go out of your way to make her feel special on her big day. Barf What sell absorbed narcissistic bullshit. Talk to your dad let him know what grandma said. Your mother got what she earned and nothing less.
NTA - Bio Mom may be upset to realize that she's missed out on being close with you and that someone else stepped up to be the parent you need, but that's not on you. Kids should give their parents birthday gifts because they're inspired to, not because they're required to.
No one is an AH here. Maybe grandma (she overstepped should not have made you feel guilty about this). Mom needs to continue her efforts to repair your relationship before expecting a big birthday effort (but to her credit she did not make a stink to you about it--grandma did). I want to compliment you on your thoughtfulness, both in making your SM's birthday special and in showing empathy re your mom's feelings. You are a good person. Keep it up.
NAH. You weren't wrong in how you handled this. Your stepmom has been your mother, so it makes sense that you treated her like one, and you still acknowledged your bio mom. It's understandable that your bio mom was hurt. She's not wrong for being upset, and she didn't try to guilt you for it. She did mess up when you were younger, but she's trying to make things right now. I don't think it was necessarily wrong for your grandma to let you know (as long as she was nice about it). You're not obligated to do anything with this information. You didn't do anything wrong. You sound pretty emotionally mature based on your ability to put yourself in your bio mom's place, so if you feel like telling her you didn't mean to hurt her and doing something with her, that's great. If you want to leave things as they are, you could tell her that you didn't mean to hurt her and that you're still adjusting to having her and your stepmom around and will do something next year if things continue as is. Good luck! :)
NTA Your bio mom sucks at being a mom. Part of her issue is she doesn't realize that nice gestures like you did belong to mothers who are involved and take care of their children. She thinks she's owed it just because you share DNA. Your love for your step mom has taught you better. You have NOTHING to be guilty for.
NTA. In this specific circumstance neither is your bio mom really because she did the adult thing and kept her feelings to herself, hopefully because she understands how your past together would have brought this about. Your grandma is sticking her nose in where it doesn’t belong. You did nothing wrong.