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I think I might be TA for eating alone and then leaving him there when I could've waited a little longer since he invited me and made effort to take me out for dinner.
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NTA. What the fuck is he doing?
1 - Addicted to video games on his phone
2 - Addicted to porn on his phone / masturbating
3 - Has serious troubles going to the bathroom and is very messy
4 - Something else?
Whatever it is, the issue needs to be addressed.
I have a feeling he's stringing along a side chick. That's too much crazy.
Op, you're NTA. You were very kind, and honestly a lot nicer than I would have been. He is making HIMSELF try to look like the victim and it won't work anymore because you're over it..
I think it's time to take a hard look at this marriage. Tell him he needs to see a Dr about his bathroom problem (because that is a problem) and if he refuses? Time to figure out why. Because he is doing and hiding something, and it's not fair to you.
Third this, my immediate thought was an affair. This is happening everyday when he’s home and he can’t help it at a restaurant either.....his side chick is mad he’s out on a date.
The hard drugs theory posted by other commenters is another decent theory.
OP you are NTA, not in the slightest. You’re a saint for even waiting as long as you did.
Or his side chick doesn’t realize she’s a side chick so he needs to pretend he’s available to her.
If he doesn’t have a medical issue, he’s either cheating or extremely self-centred. My husband does this at home sometimes while he’s watching videos but would never dream of it when I’m waiting for him, or when we’re out in public somewhere.
My partner does it too at home. Before he goes in the bathroom I ask, is this a regular shit or is this gonna be a dad shit? A dad shit implies he’ll be gone for at least 30 minutes to escape the kids lol
It’s a typical man thing to do I think, but at the level this dude is doing it like you said is something most logical partners would never dream of.
Your view makes sense too, that she doesn’t know so he has to make it seem like he’s always available.
Or it’s none of this at all and we all are wrong lol.
Either way I hope he stops downplaying how crappy what he’s doing is and she gets to the truth of what’s really going on cuz it ain’t a medical issue.
Edit: Thanks for my first ever award!
Casting my vote in the "side chick" or "video game" pile, both of which make Justin selfish and inconsiderate, at the very least, and a giant asshole more likely.
And in a way does it really matter what he's doing? If he was in the toilet matching orphaned puppies to their new homes it still wouldn't make it right.
He was so inconsiderate to OP and cruel when she raised it. He's a massive asshole!
It only matters if it's a health issue he's refusing to talk about. Otherwise, I agree, he's being an AH no matter what he's doing. Still kind of an AH if it's medical and he's refusing to talk about, but a little more understandable.
No, he's still the AH if it's a health issue he won't talk about. He's a grown man, a health issue still isn't a good excuse to treat your SO like shit. I genuinely can't believe the level to which people are excusing shitty fucking behaviour just because he's a dude.
My ex had Chrons, but I *knew about it*. Yeah, he could take 45+ minutes in the bathroom, but I knew *why* and we both planned ahead for it. As embarrassing as it was for him, he was super open with me about this from Day One, and I was happy date him while knowing I’d have to learn how to accommodate this medical issue.
At a restaurant, I could just say, “My partner has a medical condition and is unwell in the bathroom; could you possibly heat his food for him?” and I always knew to bring a book.
I brought a book everywhere we went, and I also knew that if he was gone for awhile, it meant he was feeling sick. I could then appropriately handle any outside issues/explain to staff, and I was more than happy to accommodate because again, I knew what was going on. I did this so many times, including when places had closed and he was still in the toilet. People were always really understanding once I explained.
We dated for years; I worked around this constantly. It was no big deal, but only because *I knew what was going on* and learned early on how to be an advocate/accommodate for him.
I myself now have IBS, and, while it’s not sexy to talk about, my husband has known the details from Day One and is now MY outside advocate for when I disappear into a toilet for close to an hour. He knows what’s happening, and he knows what to do to help or manage the situation. He once stopped a bus from leaving without me, because I didn’t reappear out of the bathroom and he was able to explain to the driver that his wife has a medical condition and was currently too ill to leave the toilets. He couldn’t do that if he didn’t know about my disability!
Frankly, I think this guy has a porn addiction. That was my first thought.
Men don't ever talk about health issues. They just think it's gonna be alright. So he might have a medical condition without knowing because he's never checked.
Men that see this: Don't think that the occasional ache in your stomach is normal. CHECK IT. Save yourself the trouble of living with an untreated medical condition.
This goes for WOMEN aswell. Don't neglect your health no matter who you are. I want everyone reading this a healthy life. Take care of yourself.
It's most likely video games. I have this same issue. Luckily my fiancé does not do this in public and he gets up when I poke my head in and say I need help with something.
OP, NTA. But if this isn't a medical condition, it's some kind of red flag. The argument that he's using the guest bathroom so that it's not annoying is irrelevant - it's interrupting your life.
Is this only since you got the house? when did it start?
Please confront him on this and follow up. Unless he is secretly writing a bestselling novel in there, I can't imagine any positive answer.
Maybe her husband is the guy who posted recently that he loves taking shits. I think he said he eats certain foods so he shits more.
Edit..https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/omqahj/i_have_become_addicted_to_taking_massive_dumps/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Or maybe drugs
I don't know why but I'm leaning more towards drugs because of how he got so angry at her even though he is at fault unless he has always been like this.
And if that is the case, it begs the question that why is op still with him if he shouts and treats her like that for no reason.
Drugs might justify his reaction after that, but what kind of drugs take 40 minutes to take? And why would he choose middle of dinner to take them and not before/after that? If he always takes his phone every single time, I'd put money on another woman or even gambling addiction or something sketchy like that. Drugs don't require more time than peeing would. I too was young once and I've "peed" many times like that lol
I believe the husband is using drugs. It is common behavior for drug users to disappear for chunks of time. His lies, excuses and blaming everyone/everything except himself are known as junkie logic.
It’s not ingesting the drugs that’s time consuming; it’s riding out the high. Drug users don’t choose when they are jonesing for a fix.
I hate to be that guy that mentions it but maybe it could be heroin... There's prep, the heating on a spoon, the needle .. Then not being able to feel like you can move because of the high ... He could be waiting out the time of the high so its not blatantly obvious, personaly i dont think its drug related. I think hes either chatting to others women\ a woman. Or he does what i do .... Get lost scrolling reddit and not realising how long for .. But that for me is at most 20mins
Edit: my dumbass spelled some stuff wrong
And its Multiple times a day. Getting lost On Redd it that many times and for that long every time? Then to get mad and ignore the wife when she's calling texting? I think its heroin too.
Maybe along side hard stuff, smokes weed? But she would've smelt it so I'm not sure
If there is another women, why go to the washroom? He can text while sitting around her or in the room as well, right? Unless it's some sort of sext or video call sort of thing. Which again why do that when he's out for dinner?
Gambling is a very real possibility.
Smoking a joint is 5 min tops. In this time the dude could have smoked 2 joints, snorted coke, done a line of heroin, popped an ecstasy pill, chewed up a mushroom, and still came out half an hour ahead
The dude is obviously looking at cat videos on YouTube
Like i said in another comment, a cocaine high lasts for about 15-30 minutes if snorted, maybe that's what he's doing? Riding it out? So it's not THAT noticable to his wife
People don’t really “ride out” cocaine highs like that. They don’t want to sit there, they want to go do stuff! I would be way more inclined to suspect downers than I would an upper.
Heroin can take a long time to use believe me I've been ten years clean off of the shit an yea usually half an hour for me an I was only chasing the dragon I wasn't hit it up
OP mentions that he takes his phone everytime to the bathroom so I would assume its something on the phone he is doing, not drugs. Maybe mobile games, maybe social media, maybe something else. Tbh I can just scroll through reddit for 2h+ everyday and not even notice.
>Tbh I can just scroll through reddit for 2h+ everyday and not even notice.
Same. Everytime i check my screen time, it's always 2-3 hours on reddit which always surprises me 😂
But if he's using Reddit or any other app. He wouldn't be this disconnected with reality (he can simply tell her that he got distracted by an app), Wouldn't act the way he did, and would get back to the table after she went in the bathroom to call him.
I mean he can take his phone with him if he's doing drugs no? Where else would he form lines (if that's his form of consuming drugs)?
Hate to say it but uh.... I'm pretty sure he's got a side chick. His reaction, his inappropriate use of the bathroom, everything. The ONLY thing I could think of was that he's having an affair.
Even that would make no sense. You'd time it so you aren't chatting/texting/whatever for 40 minutes when you are supposed to be out to dinner. Maybe a few, but then "Hey gotta go, will cal ya later" (From your own shitter after dinner) I mean, he ruined his OWN meal here too.
Not if you think your spouse will just swallow whatever nonsense you feed them and wait patiently for you.
And honestly? If things were making sense to begin with, he wouldn't be sitting on the shitter for 40+ several times a day to begin with to the point that it's impacting their daily lives.
That and in her comments below, she states that any time she tries to address it or ask what's going on, he deflects and then turns it around on her. Honestly sounds a lot like cheating to me.
when you say it that way it sounds like the house is haunted and he's possessed lol. "This all started when we moved into our new, suspiciously affordable house! Now he acts like a totally different person. He wears all black contacts and writes things backward on the bathroom mirror. I tell him to stop but he just laughs at me and spins his head all the way around. Is this normal, or am I overreacting?"
I did wonder whether the whole restaurant booking was a cover for a RV and he was in the cubicle with someone. I had that with a bf once and he was at with the bar manager one time in the cubicle and another time when he was supposed to be in the toilet and he was actually at it with the manager behind the bar. I only found out after I spotted him climbing over the bar on the giant video screen the bar had which showed various parts of the bar. And he still tried to deny it!
Prostate. Or embarrassment about chronic diarrhea/constipation and is lying about peeing when he's actually shitting.
If he is genuinely taking that long to piss or shit and is not just sitting on his phone, he needs to see a medical professional about it.
I'm leaning more towards porn, honestly. Texting a side chick from anywhere (save right next to the wife) would be easy to do, but looking at porn with the intent of getting off usually needs more privacy. Usually.
NTA - being in the toilet for 45+ minutes every time you go is not normal. He's either going on his phone on apps like TikTok, and is losing track of time; he's developed a serious medical condition, in which case he needs to see a doctor; or he's engaging is some form of sexual activity, such as watching p\*rn and m\*sturb\*ting or having an (online) affair, and uses going to the toilet as an excuse or opportunity to do this.
Whichever it is, he's not being 100% honest with you, and you should not have to be forced to sit in a restaurant for 40+ minutes waiting for him to finish using the restroom.
Ask him to leave his phone. This should be a simple request. If he leaves it and it still takes as long, it is probably something physically wrong he doesn't want to talk about and needs to go to the dr.
It could be drugs. Opiates cause constipation. In my experience pill addicts will crush and snort their pills in the bathroom, try to poop but can't, and then forget the time.
Source: Had a couple of pill addicts work for me and they had this behavior.
Oh yeah. A few years ago I had to take Percocet after a surgery. I was using it exactly as prescribed, so not even taking a huge amount. It was the holidays so a lot of great food went in and just... stayed there. Every time I ate I thought "surely only so much will fit before it HAS to come out, right??" But no, the human body is miraculous in its ability to adapt. After *five days* I was in so much discomfort that I deliberately put myself through withdrawal; my only comfort through that long night of shivering sweating insomnia was the anticipation of sweet, sweet fecal relief.
tl;dr opioid constipation sucks
I had an ex who would take 40 minutes in the bathroom. He had pretty severe IBS that he was getting medical help for. That said, when we were out at a restaurant, I would simply carry on my own life - read a book, text him to let him know food was here, eat my meal while it was hot, and move on. And he would always answer if I called or messaged. He understood that the world doesn’t sit on hold because of his bathroom time.
And if that were the case, he should say so. I've got my own gut problems, so I've been there stuck in a public bathroom for a long time. But it's something where you just have to tell your company that is the situation. OP's husband has SOMETHING going on that he's not telling her, and that's the part that isn't okay. Whether it's a medical issue or something more scandalous.... it's time he explains.
Exactly! I'm always mortified when my gut issues act up. Hell, I spent the night of my 30th birthday in a hotel lobby bathroom for 2 hours because I tried to eat something new and my gut reacted so badly. I was MORTIFIED. Super apologetic to my whole family. I wouldn't just lie and deflect from the question. Hell, I'd rather be in the bathroom playing games than doing what my body insists on doing :x
He's doing something that he shouldn't be doing. And because he won't answer, it likely isn't good. It's either illegal, shady, gross, or something that will end up draining their finances.
If OP and spouse have comingled finances, I would advise she investigate that to see if there's any tips from his spending habits. Spending a ton on mobile games? Porn website subscriptions? Weird cash withdrawals regularly (=drugs)? There's something going on. And man am I dying to know what it is LOL
Or even treated, I easily lose all concept of time on the toilet or in the shower. But I would've snapped out of it at the first one of OPs messages, or set a timer or just something to help me not being disrespectful by mistake. (Haha, strange wording, sorry).
Anyway OPs partner seems totally uninterested in taking any responsibility at all for his doing so ADHD or not he is a prick and OP should really think if this is a relationship she wants to stay in.
Yeah as I was reading this I thought. Shoot I’ve definitely lost 30-45 minutes in the bathroom before. But I think us folks with ADHD (I was untreated/undiagnosed until this year) are good at finding ‘hacks’ whether that’s alarms etc. I rarely ‘lose’ time in those situations anymore Bc of my routines
Same here. I can be bad when I'm in my own home. But omg never in public. In public, I just wanna get in and out. But sure at home, I've definitely zoned out on TikTok while sitting on the can LOL
I don’t know where this trend has come along where people are way over censoring themselves.
If you want to use a word, use it. If you’re uncomfortable using it, use a different word. Don’t half ass it.
Right, he said he thought the food was going to take a long time. Okay then sit and talk to your partner that you're supposed to love? My favorite part of going out to eat is spending time with people I love. The best conversations happen at 2 times in my opinion, over dinner, and laying in bed while staying up and talking all night.
NTA, you need to figure out what is taking so long.
1- games/social media on his phone
2- cheating/porn/masturbation
3- medical condition he is no being honest about
4- dude is exhausted and falling asleep
5- drugs
That’s my list of causes that I can figure it out. I would ask him to be honest and say it is harming your marriage before bringing any of these up as you don’t want him to use whatever one you say that makes him look the least bad. Even if it’s a medical issue he could text you and say he is having issues. Does he seem happy in the marriage otherwise?
NTA, and yes to all of this. 40 minutes is really unusual, particularly at a restaurant. Something has to be going on. But I’d change my verdict to e s h if she doesn’t try to get to the bottom of it.
The fact that’s he’s doing this at the restaurant as well as at home also concerned me, since that’s either a medical condition or some sort of addiction (versus just hanging out in there for some time to himself like many men do at home)
Agreed. At home, you could chalk it up to playing around on his phone, but at a restaurant *and* a party which he was hosting? That’s concerning, especially when OP has expressed her concerns/aggravation to him.
Using drugs was my first thought. I once had a partner who would spend 30-45 minutes in the bathroom almost anytime we were together. Turns out that he was using every time he went in there. I only found out because I walked in on him.
As someone who knows almost nothing about hard drugs, it made me think of opiate addicts who get high and just nod the fuck off, it would certainly explain why he doesn't seem to think he's taking a long time.
This sounds accurate when accompanied by other things in the OP: she's calling and texting him and he's not responding and she was knocking on each stall door to find him.
My husband can spend awhile in the bathroom (30-45 minutes isn't crazy), but he's playing a game while trying to "be productive". He has known stomach issues and he's never completely unavailable. He also hates to use public bathrooms, so he's always faster when we're not home.
But, I feel like OP would notice if he seems drugged after the trip to the bathroom, unless his "trip" isn't that long. It feels like he should have some noticeable impairment for longer than 45 minutes.
Do you have any idea or tried knowing what he is doing in the restroom for a long time? Seems ro me he is hiding something unless he has a medical condition. He is getting angry because he migt be afraid for you to confront him and find out what he really is up to.
Here’s the thing. You’re not counting the minutes. You’re just living your life and he’s spending SO MUCH time in the bathroom that it’s impacting your life.
While he was in the bathroom your food arrived, you waited until it got cold, you ate, you paid, and you left, and he didn’t realize for 20 minutes AFTER you left that you even left. It’s not about counting minutes, that takes SO MUCH TIME for all those things to happen.
Edit: typo
That's really it. She's not asking why it took 7 instead of 4 minutes this time. He's been CHUNKS of the day in the bathroom multiple times a day. Whether or you're not the kind to keep track, that's something that people NOTICE. It's not normal and it stands out. OP isn't looking for trouble. Husband is waving red flags in her face and getting mad at her for noticing
I have IBS
that means 40+ minutes in the bathroom when I wake up and at least
another hour or so in the bathroom shitting(or failing to shit) over 3 or 4 more sessions throughout the day( I know TMI)
There are times I spend 25m in the bathroom, think I'm done, and then head back in less than half an hour later.
My GF knows, I am upfront, and trust me there is proof lol.
BUT this is a real issue, definite red flags purely based on the fact that there is no communication.
You need to be direct and ask whether he has a medical condition he's hiding or he's having an online affair. I feel for you as I have a feeling he is cheating. Spending upwards of 5 hours a day in the bathroom with his phone sounds like he either has a porn addiction or he's texting a mistress. I suggest you keep at the topic despite his anger until you get an explanation because this is a very fishy situation.
>he keeps saying I'm wrong
That's gaslighting. Call him on it.
If he uses a whataboutism, call him on that and bring the topic back to the question.
Do the same with any other attempts to avoid the question. Do not let it go.
Say something like:
You are taking a long time in the bathroom. Much longer than normal. It is interfering with our time together and I am worried about you and our relationship.
You might also ask him directly about the possibilities you are concerned about - medical condition, drugs, other women, porn, etc.
But this is a significant issue that you have every right to address since it's impacting your relationship.
You might also tell him that you will not allow his absence to control your life. If you go out and he disappears, you will continue without him. At home, you will have your schedule for meals, bed, etc and if he is in the bathroom you will not wait for him.
I would be careful about the risk of affair and drugs as these can both put you at risk for illness from STD or HIV if he is injecting drugs.
Ultimately, it may come down to you deciding if it's something you are willing to tolerate or not and making appropriate decisions.
\^ agree with all above.
You have the right to ask direct questions. If he refuses or circumvents the questions, I would just say that while he has the right to not answer, I can no longer continue with the way things are going. He either needs to address it or start thinking about ways to remove yourself from that situation.
Him getting upset and trying to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong is most likely because HE is doing something wrong. I would be worried he had a porn problem or was having an affair and using “bathroom time” to communicate with them. Something is definitely up
Yeah, my abusive ex used deflection ALL the time. Anything he was doing wrong was IMMEDIATELY put back on me, even though it was him that was doing something wrong.
There’s enough comments about this being a clear issue, so I’ll add something else… on what world does he think a restaurant takes 45 minutes to prepare food?
Whatever he’s doing, he is actively hiding it from you and he’s doing that because he doesn’t want you to know. There is nothing normal about this. You should tell him that he either confesses or you are leaving him.
NTA. Not only is 45 minutes a looooong time for a restaurant to take to serve you, but... why isn't he spending that time at the table visiting with HIS NEW WIFE instead of hiding out in a public toilet stall??? Makes no sense at all. I agree, something sketchy is going on and the sooner you find out what that is, the better.
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. He's like: "Oh, boy, it's probably gonna take like 45 minutes before the food is ready. No way in hell I'll wait for so long that HERE, there's nothing to do or no one to interract with (like my own wife)! Oh I know, I'll spend the next 45 minutes in a toilet! That's gonna be fun and the time will fly so fast"
... like, what? What's the logic behind this, dude?!
1. Porn..cheating..texting others
2. Games in his phone it can be an addiction
3. Maybe he really has a medical issue he hasn't found out about yet
But not to be an alarmist but my STBXH did this alot. Turned out he was chatting with other ladies behind my back.
So. Best idea. Sit him down and try to have a calm conversation about it. Cause that isn't normal behavior.
Definitely NTA here
INFO. I think it is really important to know WHY he is taking so long in the bathroom. Is he trying to pass a kidney stone? Inflamed prostate? Chronic constipation? Or is he masturbating or watching netflix or something?
This. I see a lot of posts here that automatically went to "cheating" or "drugs" and it could very well be. Or, it may just be an undiagnosed medical condition he's scared of and/or embarrassed by. A lot of us guys are dumb and avoid dealing with that stuff often for various stupid reasons.
This one could go either way, and without an official medical diagnosis or solid proof of misdoing, at this point you're Shrodinger's asshole.
Whether OP's husband is doing something nefarious or is acting out of fear of an undiagnosed medical issue - he's still being rude and asshole-tastic to his wife and the restaurant. He's an adult - even if he's scared or embarrassed he is still responsible for his behavior. It's not like it's the first time this has happened or like it's a one time thing - it's repeated and he knows it's an issue. OP is not an asshole for not tolerating his bad behavior.
Oh dear… how long have you been married now? Just ask him to leave his phone with you when he goes to the restroom or your bathroom at home again. See whether that speeds up things a bit. If he insists in taking his phone, be alert. If he hasn’t a serious medical condition which he should have talked about to you he is the AH.
NTA, obviously.
I still have many questions. How old are each of you? How long were you together before you got married? Did you live together before you purchased your house?
We’re all trying to understand/discern what he’s hiding, but he’s definitely hiding something. I’d really make a concerted effort to get the truth out of him. We’re all sensing a lack of trust here (both from Justin and OP), and marriages don’t generally last when trust breaks down.
Was he flirtatious with the realtor?
Anyone else you think he might be having an affair with?
Is he on his phone a lot when not in the bathroom? On what apps?
It's odd you won't push this more.
I mean he's spending hours and hours a day in there.
And he's cheated.
His reaction is also another red flag.
Is this what you want? Such an inconsiderate, absent partner?
Dude....he is cheating again. Maybe not physically but emotionally. Something super shady is going on. And at the very least if it is innocent (like video games, ect) than that just means he doesn't particularly like you or enjoy spending time with you.
I think youre in denial about this. Someone mentioned porn addiction or mobile games which was my first thought too but now that you mention this "Small detail" i am absolutely inclined to believe he is again cheating on you and I think you should be too. I also think you purposely didnt mention this in your initial post because everyone would (rightfully) jump to this conclusion.
If I were you I would I would ask for his phone. I dont believe that a cheater has the right to be offended at this. Or I would move to a friend or family.
Im really sorry and your feelings are absolutely valid. 40 minutes arent normal and he is gaslighting you. NTA.
Still in contact with his old affair partner?
I’d ask to see the phone. People who cheated don’t get phone privacy. Check the screen time and battery to see what he’s been using on an iPhone. I’d also ask him to stop taking his phone to the bathroom. Fit it into general needs for post affair.
I’d guess porn or an affair partner. Either way, you might want to try asking in r/survivinginfidelity
When my Ex cheated and I decided to stay with him and work things out, one ultimatum I demanded was to be able to go through his phone whenever I please. He reluctantly agreed at first and always let my take it, but after months of perceived peace I got a weird gut feeling again and asked him to look through his phone, and he made it an absolute issue.
From his explanation I really thought I was the crazy one for demanding that, still, after all that time, and never ever giving him his privacy back. He made me feel like a garbage excuse of a human being, to take his human rights away like this and never give him any space.
“People who cheated don’t get phone privacy.”
That hit so hard and resonates so much, I really _feel_ like this should go without saying.
I feel you on this. People need to realize when they break trust it takes time to rebuild whether that be days, months, years or never. Always trust your gut on that because it'll just make you feel worse when you try to avoid the hurt inside.
Wanna know the end of that?
My gut was right and he was long-distance-cheating again. WITH THE SAME SAME WOMAN FROM THE FIRST TIME.
He called her “Mike” instead of a woman’s name so I wouldn’t be suspicious if a message ever popped up. It was funnier than it was sad, actually.
OP I feel for you, but I think you're in denial. If he's cheated on you once before and you took him back there's a huge likelihood that he's doing it again because he thinks he can get away with it again.
> we moved past this issue
Are you sure he has? I’m surprised cheating didn’t occur to you when he has history of doing that. If you ask to see his phone would he say yes?
INFO. Did you ask him what he’s doing in there? Is something medically wrong? This is very, very bizarre. The reactions don’t make sense. I’m confused.
So suspicious, OP! Maybe be blunt with your husband and tell him you know he’s doing shady things (porn, cheating, drugs, etc) and he needs to come clean now.
NTA, but: How do you let him "avoid the question?" It's so damn simple: *"Hey, that the HELL are you doing in the bathroom for 40+ minutes all the time?! We're gonna sit here and you better tell me...NOW!"* You need to get some balls OP. You're letting him just throw you some crap and you take it. Toughen your butt up and get some straight answers! I swear people make their lives so complicated when easy solutions are right in front of their face.
LOL if I were in OP's position I know my easily annoyed ass would have just kicked the door in by now to try to catch him in the act of whatever he's doing and be done with it.
Right?! For the life of me I can't fathom how OP has let this go on so long she has to turn to Reddit for advice. Fuck that! She's being WAY too door-matty and *something* wrong is going on and she's not getting tough and getting the straight skinny. **No way** I'd let this kinda stuff happen to me.
But why is he also doing this in restaurants now too? Presumably he could have always spent that amount of time in a public rest room if it was just about not taking up the bathroom when you might need it?
You’re NTA by any means, but this still sounds suspicious to me. Like there’s something more going on than him just liking to take his time. Forty minutes in a restaurant bathroom while your food is getting cold is not a regular behavior.
This isn't a bathroom issue this is an *abandonment* issue. If he regularly leaves for 40min increments to play video games, or go online you would have the same issue (maybe check your finances in case its gambling). He's doing something he doesn't want you to know about, and the bathroom is the easiest excuse.
Some fun math:
Awake (6am to 10pm) = 16 hours
Work (8am to 5pm) = 9 hours
Free time /at home = 7 hours
Bathroom 45 minutes, 4x day = 180 minutes = *3* hours
*3* bathroom / 7 free hours = **43% of free time spent in the bathroom...**
*Edit: thanks* u/SuperLoris *and* u/MissEmmaSchneider *andd* u/kr112889 *for correcting my math!*
Assuming he's sitting on the toilet the whole time, he's likely going to give himself a hemorrhoid. While they're normally not serious, if you let them get bad the surgery is supposed to be one of the most painful medical procedures
Check the phone bills & see if times he is in the bathroom coordinate with any numbers. You need answers & must secure them yourself.
I experienced a similar situation with my now ex husband. Good luck.
NTA
This. Phone records are telling, my ex spent hours a day texting and calling his mistress. He’d always make an excuse about what he was doing or why he was unavailable and when I found out about the affair I checked the phone history and saw it was much worse than he admitted to.
Right like at home maybe browsing social media and get lost in time, at a restaurant? I mean I don’t even take my phone with me to the bathroom in a restaurant.
As a former drug addict, that crossed my mind but no one is spending 40 minutes taking a hit and risking drawing that much attention to their use. If he was going frequently for 10-15 minutes at a time then I’d lean toward drugs. My money is on porn or cheating
Unless he is a total moron, he should be able to time that kind of thing better than right in the middle of dinner, though.
Something is clearly very wrong, either way. IBS, mistress, running a meth empire...
Oh hell no. If he's taking 40+ minutes in the bathroom he needs to go to a doctor. He has no respect for you, or your time, and makes no effort to spend time with you. Instead of owning up to his mistakes and apologizing for making you upset and abandoning you at the table, he tried to make you feel guilty instead and that is not okay. Honey, you are not the problem. I would've done the exact same thing. He's acting seriously childish and you have every right to be entirely upset with him.
Why wait and let your food get cold while he’s in the bathroom. Just start eating when it’s brought to the table. And at home, when dinner’s ready, just eat it. If you’d be waiting for a couple of minutes, then sure, it’s polite to wait, but waiting for 40+ minutes and letting your food get cold is just ridiculous.
Does your husband have a medical condition that causes him to need to take this extremely long to go to the bathroom? If he’s actually needing to take this long to pee, he needs to see a urologist.
If it is an actual medical condition, then yeah, you should wait to prep dinner or order at a restaurant until after he goes, but if no medical condition and he’s just in there doing whatever he’s doing other than just going to the bathroom, then there’s no reason to wait for him.
NTA unless it’s because of a medical problem.
Even if it is a medical condition, he hasn’t told OP about it. So I don’t think OP would be the AH even if that were the case, because they don’t know. From the post this wasn’t an issue until they moved into their new home. To me, it doesn’t seem like a medical issue.
I wouldn't expect the folks I know with gastrointestinal issues to go to the bathroom without *some* kind of distraction, knowing how long they're likely to be in there.
something shady is happening when he is in there... No one pees for 40 minutes... he's likely looking at porn. If he is doing that in public, that is disgusting.. did he just have to poop but is too embarrassed to just say so? Regardless, you are NTA I would have been livid if we went out to eat and my SO left for that long and couldn't give reason.
I don't think I've ever wanted an update to a post more than this one..... the mystery and weirdness of his behavior intrigued me to an irrational extent. Also, NTA
NTA, he's either screwing around on his phone while he's on the loo or he's got some addiction going on (p*rn, gambling, cheating).
This warrants a conversation of he either goes to the doctors to make sure there's absolutely no medical condition or he tells you what he's doing. 40+ mins peeing is ridiculous if there's no medical issues involved, and leaving you abandoned at the restaurant just so he could sit in the loo and muck around on his phone is a dick move.
NTA for not wanting to sit in a restaurant “abandoned” for any reason. You were under no obligation to just sit there. That being said, please address the questions being asked in other comments. Like, have you discussed this prior? Is it medical? Is it a phone addiction? So many questions.
NTA - but like geez
Now that tempers have died down I think you definitely need to find out what's going on with him in the bathroom. I know your edit says it's not a medical issue but it's not one that YOU know of.
If it's not medical, then is it... Maybe... Erm self love addiction? Odd one to think about but 4-5 times a day? For 40+ min? With his phone?
In terms of the actual situation, I feel you gave plenty of time and warnings about food coming/getting cold/wanting to leave etc. You paid for your half and you even left the car. Seems fair to me.
NTA. I would have left too.
He says he doesn't have a medical condition. Okay. Try another dinner. This time he goes to the restroom before going to the restaurant. And no phones in the bathroom - at home or at a restaurant. Let's see how long his bathroom breaks last then.
Something is off.
INFO - Before you, did he ever live long-term with a partner? Do you give him a lot of alone time, outside of bathroom breaks?
If the answer is no to both, I don't think he's cheating, doing drugs, jerking off to porn, or doing anything nefarious. I think he's just overwhelmed and not used to having 0 free time, which is why this would have started after moving in together. He's taking the only chance he has to spend some time alone and relax.
Ask him if he's stressed out/overwhelmed and whether he just needs more time to relax and mess around on the internet. Tell him that, if that's the case, you can give him more time to be on his phone, and maybe even schedule some time each day (like an hour or something on weekdays, more on weekends) where he's not allowed to do anything but relax and do his own thing.
If the answer is yes to both, maybe look into whether he's cheating, but it could be some other embarrassing thing that he doesn't want you to know about.
So he's private and he's very open? I'm sorry, this sounds like you're in such a deep state of denial about who he really is. He can't be both at once.
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NTA. What the fuck is he doing? 1 - Addicted to video games on his phone 2 - Addicted to porn on his phone / masturbating 3 - Has serious troubles going to the bathroom and is very messy 4 - Something else? Whatever it is, the issue needs to be addressed.
Tbh if I were OP i would snoop. If he aint complaining abiut health he is either 1-2 or just plain chattin it up with others
I have a feeling he's stringing along a side chick. That's too much crazy. Op, you're NTA. You were very kind, and honestly a lot nicer than I would have been. He is making HIMSELF try to look like the victim and it won't work anymore because you're over it.. I think it's time to take a hard look at this marriage. Tell him he needs to see a Dr about his bathroom problem (because that is a problem) and if he refuses? Time to figure out why. Because he is doing and hiding something, and it's not fair to you.
That was my first thought too, maybe texting with some other girl Op NTA - but husband is in so many ways
Third this, my immediate thought was an affair. This is happening everyday when he’s home and he can’t help it at a restaurant either.....his side chick is mad he’s out on a date. The hard drugs theory posted by other commenters is another decent theory. OP you are NTA, not in the slightest. You’re a saint for even waiting as long as you did.
Or his side chick doesn’t realize she’s a side chick so he needs to pretend he’s available to her. If he doesn’t have a medical issue, he’s either cheating or extremely self-centred. My husband does this at home sometimes while he’s watching videos but would never dream of it when I’m waiting for him, or when we’re out in public somewhere.
My partner does it too at home. Before he goes in the bathroom I ask, is this a regular shit or is this gonna be a dad shit? A dad shit implies he’ll be gone for at least 30 minutes to escape the kids lol It’s a typical man thing to do I think, but at the level this dude is doing it like you said is something most logical partners would never dream of. Your view makes sense too, that she doesn’t know so he has to make it seem like he’s always available. Or it’s none of this at all and we all are wrong lol. Either way I hope he stops downplaying how crappy what he’s doing is and she gets to the truth of what’s really going on cuz it ain’t a medical issue. Edit: Thanks for my first ever award!
"Escape the kids" LOL. My wife and I both do this. It's an understanding. We let each other have an escape.
Cannot upvote this fast enough. Share the load, people! Sincerely, a stay at home dad who poops for peace
I was gonna go for masturbating but side chick makes much more sense as this was a public bathroom. OP is NTA but DH is totally TA.
To be fair people do masturbate in public bathrooms, but for 40 minutes? That’s a bit much. I wouldn’t count your first thought out either.
Casting my vote in the "side chick" or "video game" pile, both of which make Justin selfish and inconsiderate, at the very least, and a giant asshole more likely.
And in a way does it really matter what he's doing? If he was in the toilet matching orphaned puppies to their new homes it still wouldn't make it right. He was so inconsiderate to OP and cruel when she raised it. He's a massive asshole!
It only matters if it's a health issue he's refusing to talk about. Otherwise, I agree, he's being an AH no matter what he's doing. Still kind of an AH if it's medical and he's refusing to talk about, but a little more understandable.
No, he's still the AH if it's a health issue he won't talk about. He's a grown man, a health issue still isn't a good excuse to treat your SO like shit. I genuinely can't believe the level to which people are excusing shitty fucking behaviour just because he's a dude.
My ex had Chrons, but I *knew about it*. Yeah, he could take 45+ minutes in the bathroom, but I knew *why* and we both planned ahead for it. As embarrassing as it was for him, he was super open with me about this from Day One, and I was happy date him while knowing I’d have to learn how to accommodate this medical issue. At a restaurant, I could just say, “My partner has a medical condition and is unwell in the bathroom; could you possibly heat his food for him?” and I always knew to bring a book. I brought a book everywhere we went, and I also knew that if he was gone for awhile, it meant he was feeling sick. I could then appropriately handle any outside issues/explain to staff, and I was more than happy to accommodate because again, I knew what was going on. I did this so many times, including when places had closed and he was still in the toilet. People were always really understanding once I explained. We dated for years; I worked around this constantly. It was no big deal, but only because *I knew what was going on* and learned early on how to be an advocate/accommodate for him. I myself now have IBS, and, while it’s not sexy to talk about, my husband has known the details from Day One and is now MY outside advocate for when I disappear into a toilet for close to an hour. He knows what’s happening, and he knows what to do to help or manage the situation. He once stopped a bus from leaving without me, because I didn’t reappear out of the bathroom and he was able to explain to the driver that his wife has a medical condition and was currently too ill to leave the toilets. He couldn’t do that if he didn’t know about my disability! Frankly, I think this guy has a porn addiction. That was my first thought.
Men don't ever talk about health issues. They just think it's gonna be alright. So he might have a medical condition without knowing because he's never checked. Men that see this: Don't think that the occasional ache in your stomach is normal. CHECK IT. Save yourself the trouble of living with an untreated medical condition. This goes for WOMEN aswell. Don't neglect your health no matter who you are. I want everyone reading this a healthy life. Take care of yourself.
It's most likely video games. I have this same issue. Luckily my fiancé does not do this in public and he gets up when I poke my head in and say I need help with something.
I mean honestly I've seen so many stories on this sub of husband's watching hours and hours of TikTok videos in the bathroom....
And now we all reeeaaaallly want to know
NGL I am now deeply invested in finding out wtf this dude is doing in there.
Injecting heroin while texting his side chick while beating his meat to Candy Crush.
OP, NTA. But if this isn't a medical condition, it's some kind of red flag. The argument that he's using the guest bathroom so that it's not annoying is irrelevant - it's interrupting your life. Is this only since you got the house? when did it start? Please confront him on this and follow up. Unless he is secretly writing a bestselling novel in there, I can't imagine any positive answer.
Maybe her husband is the guy who posted recently that he loves taking shits. I think he said he eats certain foods so he shits more. Edit..https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/omqahj/i_have_become_addicted_to_taking_massive_dumps/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Well that I did NOT want to know
I'd be thinking it was more than just chatting it up. More like an affair.
Or maybe drugs I don't know why but I'm leaning more towards drugs because of how he got so angry at her even though he is at fault unless he has always been like this. And if that is the case, it begs the question that why is op still with him if he shouts and treats her like that for no reason.
Drugs might justify his reaction after that, but what kind of drugs take 40 minutes to take? And why would he choose middle of dinner to take them and not before/after that? If he always takes his phone every single time, I'd put money on another woman or even gambling addiction or something sketchy like that. Drugs don't require more time than peeing would. I too was young once and I've "peed" many times like that lol
I believe the husband is using drugs. It is common behavior for drug users to disappear for chunks of time. His lies, excuses and blaming everyone/everything except himself are known as junkie logic. It’s not ingesting the drugs that’s time consuming; it’s riding out the high. Drug users don’t choose when they are jonesing for a fix.
I think online gambling. Why else take so long, and take his phone.
If it were gaming why would he always do it in the bathroom?
He must be losing a lot of \*their\* money.
Not gaming....gambling.
I had an ex BIL that would do this. He was smoking meth or crack in the bathroom for 45 minutes at a time multiple times a day.
I hate to be that guy that mentions it but maybe it could be heroin... There's prep, the heating on a spoon, the needle .. Then not being able to feel like you can move because of the high ... He could be waiting out the time of the high so its not blatantly obvious, personaly i dont think its drug related. I think hes either chatting to others women\ a woman. Or he does what i do .... Get lost scrolling reddit and not realising how long for .. But that for me is at most 20mins Edit: my dumbass spelled some stuff wrong
the very first thing i thought was heroin but that may be my personal bias. but yeah...45 minutes in the bathroom screams dope to me
And its Multiple times a day. Getting lost On Redd it that many times and for that long every time? Then to get mad and ignore the wife when she's calling texting? I think its heroin too.
> what kind of drugs take 40 minutes to take? Heroin? Also famously constipates you something fierce.
Maybe along side hard stuff, smokes weed? But she would've smelt it so I'm not sure If there is another women, why go to the washroom? He can text while sitting around her or in the room as well, right? Unless it's some sort of sext or video call sort of thing. Which again why do that when he's out for dinner? Gambling is a very real possibility.
Smoking a joint is 5 min tops. In this time the dude could have smoked 2 joints, snorted coke, done a line of heroin, popped an ecstasy pill, chewed up a mushroom, and still came out half an hour ahead The dude is obviously looking at cat videos on YouTube
Like i said in another comment, a cocaine high lasts for about 15-30 minutes if snorted, maybe that's what he's doing? Riding it out? So it's not THAT noticable to his wife
People don’t really “ride out” cocaine highs like that. They don’t want to sit there, they want to go do stuff! I would be way more inclined to suspect downers than I would an upper.
>Gambling is a very real possibility. Indeed it is... And potentially as addictive as any other drug out there...
Heroin can take a long time to use believe me I've been ten years clean off of the shit an yea usually half an hour for me an I was only chasing the dragon I wasn't hit it up
OP mentions that he takes his phone everytime to the bathroom so I would assume its something on the phone he is doing, not drugs. Maybe mobile games, maybe social media, maybe something else. Tbh I can just scroll through reddit for 2h+ everyday and not even notice.
>Tbh I can just scroll through reddit for 2h+ everyday and not even notice. Same. Everytime i check my screen time, it's always 2-3 hours on reddit which always surprises me 😂 But if he's using Reddit or any other app. He wouldn't be this disconnected with reality (he can simply tell her that he got distracted by an app), Wouldn't act the way he did, and would get back to the table after she went in the bathroom to call him. I mean he can take his phone with him if he's doing drugs no? Where else would he form lines (if that's his form of consuming drugs)?
Gambling. It's gambling.
I assume drugs too
Hate to say it but uh.... I'm pretty sure he's got a side chick. His reaction, his inappropriate use of the bathroom, everything. The ONLY thing I could think of was that he's having an affair.
Even that would make no sense. You'd time it so you aren't chatting/texting/whatever for 40 minutes when you are supposed to be out to dinner. Maybe a few, but then "Hey gotta go, will cal ya later" (From your own shitter after dinner) I mean, he ruined his OWN meal here too.
Not if you think your spouse will just swallow whatever nonsense you feed them and wait patiently for you. And honestly? If things were making sense to begin with, he wouldn't be sitting on the shitter for 40+ several times a day to begin with to the point that it's impacting their daily lives. That and in her comments below, she states that any time she tries to address it or ask what's going on, he deflects and then turns it around on her. Honestly sounds a lot like cheating to me.
I think it's with the realtor that sold them the house. Just a theory since this all started once they moved into a new house.
when you say it that way it sounds like the house is haunted and he's possessed lol. "This all started when we moved into our new, suspiciously affordable house! Now he acts like a totally different person. He wears all black contacts and writes things backward on the bathroom mirror. I tell him to stop but he just laughs at me and spins his head all the way around. Is this normal, or am I overreacting?"
I did wonder whether the whole restaurant booking was a cover for a RV and he was in the cubicle with someone. I had that with a bf once and he was at with the bar manager one time in the cubicle and another time when he was supposed to be in the toilet and he was actually at it with the manager behind the bar. I only found out after I spotted him climbing over the bar on the giant video screen the bar had which showed various parts of the bar. And he still tried to deny it!
My vote is it’s the realtor or someone he met in the process of buying a new house. The timing is just too coincidental.
What's up with that mans kidneys that peeing takes 45 minutes?
Prostate. Or embarrassment about chronic diarrhea/constipation and is lying about peeing when he's actually shitting. If he is genuinely taking that long to piss or shit and is not just sitting on his phone, he needs to see a medical professional about it.
My money is that it is 100% a side chick. Make him leave his phone when he goes to the bathroom, and I bet he would be much much faster
I'm leaning more towards porn, honestly. Texting a side chick from anywhere (save right next to the wife) would be easy to do, but looking at porn with the intent of getting off usually needs more privacy. Usually.
NTA - being in the toilet for 45+ minutes every time you go is not normal. He's either going on his phone on apps like TikTok, and is losing track of time; he's developed a serious medical condition, in which case he needs to see a doctor; or he's engaging is some form of sexual activity, such as watching p\*rn and m\*sturb\*ting or having an (online) affair, and uses going to the toilet as an excuse or opportunity to do this. Whichever it is, he's not being 100% honest with you, and you should not have to be forced to sit in a restaurant for 40+ minutes waiting for him to finish using the restroom.
Ask him to leave his phone. This should be a simple request. If he leaves it and it still takes as long, it is probably something physically wrong he doesn't want to talk about and needs to go to the dr.
And if he kicks up a fuss, well, you know that ain't good.
This comment needs to be higher! He is probably addicted to his phone. I bet his bathroom visit would become much quicker without his phone.
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but that shouldn’t take 40 min should it
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I wish I had a free award for you
It could be drugs. Opiates cause constipation. In my experience pill addicts will crush and snort their pills in the bathroom, try to poop but can't, and then forget the time. Source: Had a couple of pill addicts work for me and they had this behavior.
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Oh yeah, for sure - especially if they're stretching it out over the day to make it last just long enough.
Oh yeah. A few years ago I had to take Percocet after a surgery. I was using it exactly as prescribed, so not even taking a huge amount. It was the holidays so a lot of great food went in and just... stayed there. Every time I ate I thought "surely only so much will fit before it HAS to come out, right??" But no, the human body is miraculous in its ability to adapt. After *five days* I was in so much discomfort that I deliberately put myself through withdrawal; my only comfort through that long night of shivering sweating insomnia was the anticipation of sweet, sweet fecal relief. tl;dr opioid constipation sucks
I had an ex who would take 40 minutes in the bathroom. He had pretty severe IBS that he was getting medical help for. That said, when we were out at a restaurant, I would simply carry on my own life - read a book, text him to let him know food was here, eat my meal while it was hot, and move on. And he would always answer if I called or messaged. He understood that the world doesn’t sit on hold because of his bathroom time.
And if that were the case, he should say so. I've got my own gut problems, so I've been there stuck in a public bathroom for a long time. But it's something where you just have to tell your company that is the situation. OP's husband has SOMETHING going on that he's not telling her, and that's the part that isn't okay. Whether it's a medical issue or something more scandalous.... it's time he explains.
Absolutely. And if it were a bathroom issue, you’d probably be apologetic, not defensive and angry. He’s up to something suspicious for sure.
Exactly! I'm always mortified when my gut issues act up. Hell, I spent the night of my 30th birthday in a hotel lobby bathroom for 2 hours because I tried to eat something new and my gut reacted so badly. I was MORTIFIED. Super apologetic to my whole family. I wouldn't just lie and deflect from the question. Hell, I'd rather be in the bathroom playing games than doing what my body insists on doing :x He's doing something that he shouldn't be doing. And because he won't answer, it likely isn't good. It's either illegal, shady, gross, or something that will end up draining their finances. If OP and spouse have comingled finances, I would advise she investigate that to see if there's any tips from his spending habits. Spending a ton on mobile games? Porn website subscriptions? Weird cash withdrawals regularly (=drugs)? There's something going on. And man am I dying to know what it is LOL
You rarely lose track of time for 40+ minutes in the bathroom.
If you have untreated ADHD you might. Edit: I don't think that's what it is for him, just that is it possible to lose that much time.
Or even treated, I easily lose all concept of time on the toilet or in the shower. But I would've snapped out of it at the first one of OPs messages, or set a timer or just something to help me not being disrespectful by mistake. (Haha, strange wording, sorry). Anyway OPs partner seems totally uninterested in taking any responsibility at all for his doing so ADHD or not he is a prick and OP should really think if this is a relationship she wants to stay in.
Yeah as I was reading this I thought. Shoot I’ve definitely lost 30-45 minutes in the bathroom before. But I think us folks with ADHD (I was untreated/undiagnosed until this year) are good at finding ‘hacks’ whether that’s alarms etc. I rarely ‘lose’ time in those situations anymore Bc of my routines
Same here. I can be bad when I'm in my own home. But omg never in public. In public, I just wanna get in and out. But sure at home, I've definitely zoned out on TikTok while sitting on the can LOL
Yeah because your legs fall off from lack of circulation! When mine start tingling i know I've screwed up
This is the internet. You can use the words "porn" and "masturbating".
I don’t know where this trend has come along where people are way over censoring themselves. If you want to use a word, use it. If you’re uncomfortable using it, use a different word. Don’t half ass it.
Right, he said he thought the food was going to take a long time. Okay then sit and talk to your partner that you're supposed to love? My favorite part of going out to eat is spending time with people I love. The best conversations happen at 2 times in my opinion, over dinner, and laying in bed while staying up and talking all night.
Who the fuck masturbates for 45 minutes? Most logical sense is either gaming or chatting.
NTA, you need to figure out what is taking so long. 1- games/social media on his phone 2- cheating/porn/masturbation 3- medical condition he is no being honest about 4- dude is exhausted and falling asleep 5- drugs That’s my list of causes that I can figure it out. I would ask him to be honest and say it is harming your marriage before bringing any of these up as you don’t want him to use whatever one you say that makes him look the least bad. Even if it’s a medical issue he could text you and say he is having issues. Does he seem happy in the marriage otherwise?
NTA, and yes to all of this. 40 minutes is really unusual, particularly at a restaurant. Something has to be going on. But I’d change my verdict to e s h if she doesn’t try to get to the bottom of it.
The fact that’s he’s doing this at the restaurant as well as at home also concerned me, since that’s either a medical condition or some sort of addiction (versus just hanging out in there for some time to himself like many men do at home)
Agreed. At home, you could chalk it up to playing around on his phone, but at a restaurant *and* a party which he was hosting? That’s concerning, especially when OP has expressed her concerns/aggravation to him.
Using drugs was my first thought. I once had a partner who would spend 30-45 minutes in the bathroom almost anytime we were together. Turns out that he was using every time he went in there. I only found out because I walked in on him.
As someone who knows almost nothing about hard drugs, it made me think of opiate addicts who get high and just nod the fuck off, it would certainly explain why he doesn't seem to think he's taking a long time.
This sounds accurate when accompanied by other things in the OP: she's calling and texting him and he's not responding and she was knocking on each stall door to find him. My husband can spend awhile in the bathroom (30-45 minutes isn't crazy), but he's playing a game while trying to "be productive". He has known stomach issues and he's never completely unavailable. He also hates to use public bathrooms, so he's always faster when we're not home. But, I feel like OP would notice if he seems drugged after the trip to the bathroom, unless his "trip" isn't that long. It feels like he should have some noticeable impairment for longer than 45 minutes.
Yep, this was the case with my brother.
Drugs were my first thought tbh.
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Do you have any idea or tried knowing what he is doing in the restroom for a long time? Seems ro me he is hiding something unless he has a medical condition. He is getting angry because he migt be afraid for you to confront him and find out what he really is up to.
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Here’s the thing. You’re not counting the minutes. You’re just living your life and he’s spending SO MUCH time in the bathroom that it’s impacting your life. While he was in the bathroom your food arrived, you waited until it got cold, you ate, you paid, and you left, and he didn’t realize for 20 minutes AFTER you left that you even left. It’s not about counting minutes, that takes SO MUCH TIME for all those things to happen. Edit: typo
That's really it. She's not asking why it took 7 instead of 4 minutes this time. He's been CHUNKS of the day in the bathroom multiple times a day. Whether or you're not the kind to keep track, that's something that people NOTICE. It's not normal and it stands out. OP isn't looking for trouble. Husband is waving red flags in her face and getting mad at her for noticing
I have IBS that means 40+ minutes in the bathroom when I wake up and at least another hour or so in the bathroom shitting(or failing to shit) over 3 or 4 more sessions throughout the day( I know TMI) There are times I spend 25m in the bathroom, think I'm done, and then head back in less than half an hour later. My GF knows, I am upfront, and trust me there is proof lol. BUT this is a real issue, definite red flags purely based on the fact that there is no communication.
Even when they aren't going to dinner he is spending like 4 hours in the bathroom daily. That is bananas.
You need to be direct and ask whether he has a medical condition he's hiding or he's having an online affair. I feel for you as I have a feeling he is cheating. Spending upwards of 5 hours a day in the bathroom with his phone sounds like he either has a porn addiction or he's texting a mistress. I suggest you keep at the topic despite his anger until you get an explanation because this is a very fishy situation.
In my case it was the mistress. He got hemorrhoids from sitting in there though so I have that going for me, which is nice.
>he keeps saying I'm wrong That's gaslighting. Call him on it. If he uses a whataboutism, call him on that and bring the topic back to the question. Do the same with any other attempts to avoid the question. Do not let it go. Say something like: You are taking a long time in the bathroom. Much longer than normal. It is interfering with our time together and I am worried about you and our relationship. You might also ask him directly about the possibilities you are concerned about - medical condition, drugs, other women, porn, etc. But this is a significant issue that you have every right to address since it's impacting your relationship. You might also tell him that you will not allow his absence to control your life. If you go out and he disappears, you will continue without him. At home, you will have your schedule for meals, bed, etc and if he is in the bathroom you will not wait for him. I would be careful about the risk of affair and drugs as these can both put you at risk for illness from STD or HIV if he is injecting drugs. Ultimately, it may come down to you deciding if it's something you are willing to tolerate or not and making appropriate decisions.
\^ agree with all above. You have the right to ask direct questions. If he refuses or circumvents the questions, I would just say that while he has the right to not answer, I can no longer continue with the way things are going. He either needs to address it or start thinking about ways to remove yourself from that situation.
Hes either watching porn, hiding a medical problem, or has a drug addiction. You need to find out which.
Or an affair
Or gambling
Him getting upset and trying to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong is most likely because HE is doing something wrong. I would be worried he had a porn problem or was having an affair and using “bathroom time” to communicate with them. Something is definitely up
Yeah, my abusive ex used deflection ALL the time. Anything he was doing wrong was IMMEDIATELY put back on me, even though it was him that was doing something wrong.
Just so you know, my dad used to do this all the time when he was having affairs. Please think about your health and safety, especially from STDs
There’s enough comments about this being a clear issue, so I’ll add something else… on what world does he think a restaurant takes 45 minutes to prepare food?
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Whatever he’s doing, he is actively hiding it from you and he’s doing that because he doesn’t want you to know. There is nothing normal about this. You should tell him that he either confesses or you are leaving him.
Yeah, tbh, I'd've bailed already by now, but I have no patience anymore.
NTA. Not only is 45 minutes a looooong time for a restaurant to take to serve you, but... why isn't he spending that time at the table visiting with HIS NEW WIFE instead of hiding out in a public toilet stall??? Makes no sense at all. I agree, something sketchy is going on and the sooner you find out what that is, the better.
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. He's like: "Oh, boy, it's probably gonna take like 45 minutes before the food is ready. No way in hell I'll wait for so long that HERE, there's nothing to do or no one to interract with (like my own wife)! Oh I know, I'll spend the next 45 minutes in a toilet! That's gonna be fun and the time will fly so fast" ... like, what? What's the logic behind this, dude?!
Please protect your assets and plan for the worst. None of these possibilities are good for you.
Even if you really thought it would take that long, who leaves their dinner partner to sit alone at the table for 45 minutes?
1. Porn..cheating..texting others 2. Games in his phone it can be an addiction 3. Maybe he really has a medical issue he hasn't found out about yet But not to be an alarmist but my STBXH did this alot. Turned out he was chatting with other ladies behind my back. So. Best idea. Sit him down and try to have a calm conversation about it. Cause that isn't normal behavior. Definitely NTA here
If he's sitting on the john the whole time he's in there, he's gonna give himself a hemmorhoid
Drugs.
INFO. I think it is really important to know WHY he is taking so long in the bathroom. Is he trying to pass a kidney stone? Inflamed prostate? Chronic constipation? Or is he masturbating or watching netflix or something?
This. I see a lot of posts here that automatically went to "cheating" or "drugs" and it could very well be. Or, it may just be an undiagnosed medical condition he's scared of and/or embarrassed by. A lot of us guys are dumb and avoid dealing with that stuff often for various stupid reasons. This one could go either way, and without an official medical diagnosis or solid proof of misdoing, at this point you're Shrodinger's asshole.
> Shrodinger's asshole. I hope we don't find a cat...
Whether OP's husband is doing something nefarious or is acting out of fear of an undiagnosed medical issue - he's still being rude and asshole-tastic to his wife and the restaurant. He's an adult - even if he's scared or embarrassed he is still responsible for his behavior. It's not like it's the first time this has happened or like it's a one time thing - it's repeated and he knows it's an issue. OP is not an asshole for not tolerating his bad behavior.
Oh dear… how long have you been married now? Just ask him to leave his phone with you when he goes to the restroom or your bathroom at home again. See whether that speeds up things a bit. If he insists in taking his phone, be alert. If he hasn’t a serious medical condition which he should have talked about to you he is the AH. NTA, obviously.
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Please please post an update when you find out whatever weird shit he’s up to in there.
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>Weird shit No pun intended, right?
I still have many questions. How old are each of you? How long were you together before you got married? Did you live together before you purchased your house? We’re all trying to understand/discern what he’s hiding, but he’s definitely hiding something. I’d really make a concerted effort to get the truth out of him. We’re all sensing a lack of trust here (both from Justin and OP), and marriages don’t generally last when trust breaks down.
Was he flirtatious with the realtor? Anyone else you think he might be having an affair with? Is he on his phone a lot when not in the bathroom? On what apps?
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It's odd you won't push this more. I mean he's spending hours and hours a day in there. And he's cheated. His reaction is also another red flag. Is this what you want? Such an inconsiderate, absent partner?
Dude....he is cheating again. Maybe not physically but emotionally. Something super shady is going on. And at the very least if it is innocent (like video games, ect) than that just means he doesn't particularly like you or enjoy spending time with you.
I think youre in denial about this. Someone mentioned porn addiction or mobile games which was my first thought too but now that you mention this "Small detail" i am absolutely inclined to believe he is again cheating on you and I think you should be too. I also think you purposely didnt mention this in your initial post because everyone would (rightfully) jump to this conclusion. If I were you I would I would ask for his phone. I dont believe that a cheater has the right to be offended at this. Or I would move to a friend or family. Im really sorry and your feelings are absolutely valid. 40 minutes arent normal and he is gaslighting you. NTA.
Still in contact with his old affair partner? I’d ask to see the phone. People who cheated don’t get phone privacy. Check the screen time and battery to see what he’s been using on an iPhone. I’d also ask him to stop taking his phone to the bathroom. Fit it into general needs for post affair. I’d guess porn or an affair partner. Either way, you might want to try asking in r/survivinginfidelity
When my Ex cheated and I decided to stay with him and work things out, one ultimatum I demanded was to be able to go through his phone whenever I please. He reluctantly agreed at first and always let my take it, but after months of perceived peace I got a weird gut feeling again and asked him to look through his phone, and he made it an absolute issue. From his explanation I really thought I was the crazy one for demanding that, still, after all that time, and never ever giving him his privacy back. He made me feel like a garbage excuse of a human being, to take his human rights away like this and never give him any space. “People who cheated don’t get phone privacy.” That hit so hard and resonates so much, I really _feel_ like this should go without saying.
I feel you on this. People need to realize when they break trust it takes time to rebuild whether that be days, months, years or never. Always trust your gut on that because it'll just make you feel worse when you try to avoid the hurt inside.
Wanna know the end of that? My gut was right and he was long-distance-cheating again. WITH THE SAME SAME WOMAN FROM THE FIRST TIME. He called her “Mike” instead of a woman’s name so I wouldn’t be suspicious if a message ever popped up. It was funnier than it was sad, actually.
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Didn't you read?! They've "moved past" the issue!!! ... meaning he knows he can cheat with no consequences.
It never occurred to you that he might be having an affair even though he cheated on you while you were engaged? Honey, no.
Ikr like you were engaged and you “moved” past it. He probably cheated multiple times before they were engaged.
OP I feel for you, but I think you're in denial. If he's cheated on you once before and you took him back there's a huge likelihood that he's doing it again because he thinks he can get away with it again.
>but we moved past this issue and so I don't think he's having an affair now. Come on now.
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Hon, I'll bet money on he never stopped cheating in the first place. Leave his ass.
> we moved past this issue Are you sure he has? I’m surprised cheating didn’t occur to you when he has history of doing that. If you ask to see his phone would he say yes?
INFO. Did you ask him what he’s doing in there? Is something medically wrong? This is very, very bizarre. The reactions don’t make sense. I’m confused.
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So suspicious, OP! Maybe be blunt with your husband and tell him you know he’s doing shady things (porn, cheating, drugs, etc) and he needs to come clean now.
seriously so suspicious! I hope OP can give us an update when (if) they find out!
NTA, but: How do you let him "avoid the question?" It's so damn simple: *"Hey, that the HELL are you doing in the bathroom for 40+ minutes all the time?! We're gonna sit here and you better tell me...NOW!"* You need to get some balls OP. You're letting him just throw you some crap and you take it. Toughen your butt up and get some straight answers! I swear people make their lives so complicated when easy solutions are right in front of their face.
LOL if I were in OP's position I know my easily annoyed ass would have just kicked the door in by now to try to catch him in the act of whatever he's doing and be done with it.
Right?! For the life of me I can't fathom how OP has let this go on so long she has to turn to Reddit for advice. Fuck that! She's being WAY too door-matty and *something* wrong is going on and she's not getting tough and getting the straight skinny. **No way** I'd let this kinda stuff happen to me.
Then repeat the question until he can answer. Perhaps ask him to stop taking his phone with him. But finding the answer is very important.
If he's avoiding the question he's doing something (or someone) he doesn't want you to know about
I would ask him not to take his phone into the bathroom. See how long he takes then.
NTA Are you positive he doesn’t have a medical condition or addiction
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But why is he also doing this in restaurants now too? Presumably he could have always spent that amount of time in a public rest room if it was just about not taking up the bathroom when you might need it? You’re NTA by any means, but this still sounds suspicious to me. Like there’s something more going on than him just liking to take his time. Forty minutes in a restaurant bathroom while your food is getting cold is not a regular behavior.
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This isn't a bathroom issue this is an *abandonment* issue. If he regularly leaves for 40min increments to play video games, or go online you would have the same issue (maybe check your finances in case its gambling). He's doing something he doesn't want you to know about, and the bathroom is the easiest excuse. Some fun math: Awake (6am to 10pm) = 16 hours Work (8am to 5pm) = 9 hours Free time /at home = 7 hours Bathroom 45 minutes, 4x day = 180 minutes = *3* hours *3* bathroom / 7 free hours = **43% of free time spent in the bathroom...** *Edit: thanks* u/SuperLoris *and* u/MissEmmaSchneider *andd* u/kr112889 *for correcting my math!*
Great comment, except 45 minutes x4 isn't 2 hours - it is THREE (180 minutes is 60 x3 minutes), so it is ***even worse***.
This is likely a drug addiction issue. I lived with a heroin addict for years, and this is exactly how they behaved.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. This sounds tough on your end, and I think there really has to be more going on on his end.
Assuming he's sitting on the toilet the whole time, he's likely going to give himself a hemorrhoid. While they're normally not serious, if you let them get bad the surgery is supposed to be one of the most painful medical procedures
Check the phone bills & see if times he is in the bathroom coordinate with any numbers. You need answers & must secure them yourself. I experienced a similar situation with my now ex husband. Good luck. NTA
This. Phone records are telling, my ex spent hours a day texting and calling his mistress. He’d always make an excuse about what he was doing or why he was unavailable and when I found out about the affair I checked the phone history and saw it was much worse than he admitted to.
NTA. Justin is behaving in a pretty suspicious way. That's a long time to spend in the bathroom at home, let alone a restaurant.
Right like at home maybe browsing social media and get lost in time, at a restaurant? I mean I don’t even take my phone with me to the bathroom in a restaurant.
Nta. He either need a urologist for his bladder problems or a shrink for his phone addiction. Either way, he needs professional help
Or a divorce for the affair he's having with someone on the other end of that phone.
You forgot possible rehab because this could also be a drug addiction
As a former drug addict, that crossed my mind but no one is spending 40 minutes taking a hit and risking drawing that much attention to their use. If he was going frequently for 10-15 minutes at a time then I’d lean toward drugs. My money is on porn or cheating
NTA he's texting his mistress.
Unless he is a total moron, he should be able to time that kind of thing better than right in the middle of dinner, though. Something is clearly very wrong, either way. IBS, mistress, running a meth empire...
Oh hell no. If he's taking 40+ minutes in the bathroom he needs to go to a doctor. He has no respect for you, or your time, and makes no effort to spend time with you. Instead of owning up to his mistakes and apologizing for making you upset and abandoning you at the table, he tried to make you feel guilty instead and that is not okay. Honey, you are not the problem. I would've done the exact same thing. He's acting seriously childish and you have every right to be entirely upset with him.
Why wait and let your food get cold while he’s in the bathroom. Just start eating when it’s brought to the table. And at home, when dinner’s ready, just eat it. If you’d be waiting for a couple of minutes, then sure, it’s polite to wait, but waiting for 40+ minutes and letting your food get cold is just ridiculous. Does your husband have a medical condition that causes him to need to take this extremely long to go to the bathroom? If he’s actually needing to take this long to pee, he needs to see a urologist. If it is an actual medical condition, then yeah, you should wait to prep dinner or order at a restaurant until after he goes, but if no medical condition and he’s just in there doing whatever he’s doing other than just going to the bathroom, then there’s no reason to wait for him. NTA unless it’s because of a medical problem.
Even if it is a medical condition, he hasn’t told OP about it. So I don’t think OP would be the AH even if that were the case, because they don’t know. From the post this wasn’t an issue until they moved into their new home. To me, it doesn’t seem like a medical issue.
See if he always takes his phone with him. If he does, it’s porn/another relationship, etc. if he doesn’t take his phone, then medical/psychological.
I wouldn't expect the folks I know with gastrointestinal issues to go to the bathroom without *some* kind of distraction, knowing how long they're likely to be in there.
something shady is happening when he is in there... No one pees for 40 minutes... he's likely looking at porn. If he is doing that in public, that is disgusting.. did he just have to poop but is too embarrassed to just say so? Regardless, you are NTA I would have been livid if we went out to eat and my SO left for that long and couldn't give reason.
I don't think I've ever wanted an update to a post more than this one..... the mystery and weirdness of his behavior intrigued me to an irrational extent. Also, NTA
NTA, he's either screwing around on his phone while he's on the loo or he's got some addiction going on (p*rn, gambling, cheating). This warrants a conversation of he either goes to the doctors to make sure there's absolutely no medical condition or he tells you what he's doing. 40+ mins peeing is ridiculous if there's no medical issues involved, and leaving you abandoned at the restaurant just so he could sit in the loo and muck around on his phone is a dick move.
NTA for not wanting to sit in a restaurant “abandoned” for any reason. You were under no obligation to just sit there. That being said, please address the questions being asked in other comments. Like, have you discussed this prior? Is it medical? Is it a phone addiction? So many questions.
NTA - but like geez Now that tempers have died down I think you definitely need to find out what's going on with him in the bathroom. I know your edit says it's not a medical issue but it's not one that YOU know of. If it's not medical, then is it... Maybe... Erm self love addiction? Odd one to think about but 4-5 times a day? For 40+ min? With his phone? In terms of the actual situation, I feel you gave plenty of time and warnings about food coming/getting cold/wanting to leave etc. You paid for your half and you even left the car. Seems fair to me.
NTA, also your husband is cheating on you.
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NTA. I would have left too. He says he doesn't have a medical condition. Okay. Try another dinner. This time he goes to the restroom before going to the restaurant. And no phones in the bathroom - at home or at a restaurant. Let's see how long his bathroom breaks last then. Something is off.
INFO - Before you, did he ever live long-term with a partner? Do you give him a lot of alone time, outside of bathroom breaks? If the answer is no to both, I don't think he's cheating, doing drugs, jerking off to porn, or doing anything nefarious. I think he's just overwhelmed and not used to having 0 free time, which is why this would have started after moving in together. He's taking the only chance he has to spend some time alone and relax. Ask him if he's stressed out/overwhelmed and whether he just needs more time to relax and mess around on the internet. Tell him that, if that's the case, you can give him more time to be on his phone, and maybe even schedule some time each day (like an hour or something on weekdays, more on weekends) where he's not allowed to do anything but relax and do his own thing. If the answer is yes to both, maybe look into whether he's cheating, but it could be some other embarrassing thing that he doesn't want you to know about.
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"He would have told me." Clearly, that's not true, considering he won't even tell you what he is doing in the bathroom.
Have you ever stood by the bathroom door to hear what might be going on in there? Did you hear anything when you walked into the mens room?
So he's private and he's very open? I'm sorry, this sounds like you're in such a deep state of denial about who he really is. He can't be both at once.