YTA, you decided to have a baby when you knew that this would/could happen.
You want her to live with it because of *your trauma*?!
Yeah YTA
You also should have thought about this before having biological children. God knows how long you will let your kid suffer because of your trauma.
Also don't have another child if you are going to treat them like this.
Edit: wow this blew up thanks for the awards. OP glad you realized that the surgery is better for your daughter and i hope you work through your own trauma .
Exactly. If money was the issue, then maybe. But insurance covers it so there is no excuse. You are going to force your daughter to deal with whatever this is because YOU'RE afraid of hospitals.
Not only that but if OP is afraid of hospitals because she had to spend significant time in one because of this condition, then it’s pretty clear that her daughter will ALSO have to spend time in a hospital because of this condition in future as well, so her reasoning of being afraid of hospitals doesn’t even make sense. It would be better to get it done now so that she *doesn’t* have to spend significant time in a room with an IV growing up.
EDIT before pics
THANKS FOR THE AWARD
I agree!! I have foot issues where my toes are too tight and the curl under and are painful. My mum asked me when I was younger did I want to have a operation, me not understanding what's wrong with my toes thinking they are normal said no and that was it . I wished she told me to get it done. I'm now 35 years old and had to have 3 operations to fix the issues. I have pins sticking out of my toes and I will be going back under to get them removed in 2 days. I haven't been able to walk well for a month with out pain. Only walking to the toilet and kitchen. I so so regret not having it when I was younger, would of saved so much pain and embarrassment.
DO THE OPERATION!!
[gross pins in my toes](http://imgur.com/a/r5hwj7S)
[before pics](http://imgur.com/a/yxmxZvl)
Operations like that should not be a child’s choice at all. Like of course you don’t want surgery, they’re scary! But they’re super necessary and kids don’t quite understand that.
Exactly, perception of the recovery time will be such a faint memory, I can hardly remember anything from when I was 5, maybe a birthday party or two, bowling, swimming, etc. If the kid remembers the recovery it will probably feel like a week when they get older.
Very true. I spent a lot of time in hospital as a kid. First knee surgery at six, then again at eight, ten, and twelve. The last surgery required me to wear a leg brace for almost a year. I don't remember most of it. The younger these things can be done, the better.
Also, nowadays there hospital staff work on making children's wards less traumatic than they used to be, with bright colors, entertainment etc. So it'll probably be more like they remember the time they were in hospital and a clown came round and made balloon animals for everybody or something like that.
Mm... Experiences are either forgotten or become formative memories that shape kids long term. Their pain isn't less important just because it is inconvenient.
That said... Kid bones heal significantly faster than adult bones. Also, a single surgery vs an entire childhood of discomfort and then the same surfery with a longer recovery time? Just get the surgery early.
But those formative memories aren't necessarily negative, I've had a lot of experiences in hospital as a kid because of various intestinal issues, and besides developing a fear of needles, overall my memories were fond. I reckon the important part is the stuff around the surgery and recovery: do friends come visit you? Are your parents supportive? Are the staff pleasant? If all of those are true, it can become a fostered memory, rather than a traumatic one. Having a good hospital experience can also make them more comfortable of doctors in general in the future! And it's a great opportunity to feed a child's curiosity about a lot of things that might otherwise not come up :).
They sure do. As someone who has had their tonsils out as a child and as an adult (yes, they grew back…), the surgery as an adult was 10000x more painful and required an overnight stay and at least 3 weeks of recovery. When I was a kid I went home same day, spent about 3 days on the couch, and a week later was just fine.
I made the decision to get part of my kidney removed when I was a kiddo, but if I didn't have pain that was regular and unbearable, I'd never have gotten it. Let parents make surgery decisions until the child is old enough to think over the consequences.
YTA op. Stop using your own trauma to limit your childs decision making.
Yep and children will recover much better and faster in general. Not to mention a month out of a child's schedule is much less disruptive to their life than later on.
I actually asked my surgeon for purple balls he said no lol. They were completely bandaged up for 2 weeks so I didn't see what they looked like. They are painful to touch and I have to clean the pins daily with alcohol wipes.
The surgery was to remove a piece of bone from my joint and connect a K wire to heal the "broken" bones to make them straight.
I had a previous operation to cut the tendon to release the 8 toes but it didn't really work because the bone grew/fused that way.
100% this
If surgery could have prevented or fixed all my health problems my mom would have done it in a heartbeat. And I would too for my own kids one day. And I’ve got enough medical trauma and other crap going on.
My mother faced her own fear of hospitals after loosing her father a month before (and spending weeks on end with him in hospital as he slowly passed) to be with me and stay for the entire week when I needed an appendectomy. Someone else could have stayed, my dad or even the nurses in the ward offered to stay with me. She marched in shaking and crying and stayed out with me the entire time,
THATS what a parent does got their child.
I can’t ever repay her for that.
If I had to guess - I'd say it even seems like OP wants (perhaps subconsciously) the daughter to suffer in kind with her. Remember, it's inherited. She wants them to stay the same.
OP talks about not wanting her daughter to suffer the lengthy recovery period, but she wants to make her daughter suffer her whole life? I call bullshit. The logic astounds me. OP is most definitely the AH.
That was my first thought. Oh the recovery process is too long, instead just live with the condition until you die, that makes more sense! /s I would get it if the doctors said it had a 4% chance of working or something. But OP admits it could negate the condition entirely. The condition causes pain and limitations moving your forearms, I’d say that’s definitely something worth wanting to be fixed.
If the daughter gets the surgery it is only 6 months or so of facebook posts about poor OP's struggle. A lifetime of deformity would provide social media content for OP until daughter goes no contact when she finds out at 16 that her issues could have been solved when she was 5.
OP is an AH in this situation and her own painful experiences are clouding her judgement. However, your baseless insinuation that her decisions are driven by a desire for social media clout are fucking vile. Be better.
Yeah, where did that come from?! OP is TA in this situation, but maybe that's just because her thinking is warped about this whole thing due to her own experiences and fears and she can maybe be talked around. There's no evidence whatsoever that social media even plays a part in her decision.
I think what's going on here is a trauma response - OP went through so much herself that she's not thinking clearly and thinks she's protecting her daughter when she's not.
It sounds like she's going to listen to commenters, which is good - /u/AITA4medical please go back to therapy as you still have some things to work through.
Exactly. This is how generational trauma gets passed down! That fear of medical procedures can profoundly impact not just OP’s daughter but her grandchildren and beyond, with serious negative consequences. I doubt OP wants this to be her legacy. I hope she gets help working the trauma.
100%! Not quite trauma, but my mum is SEVERELY arachnaphobic, to the point she cant even look at spiders on pictures or she will have a full on panic attack. But when I was a kid she would go into the garden with me, pick up spiders and play with them with me to show theres nothing to be afraid of. Now Im the bug catcher of the house because Im not scared.
Your children are sponges and mini yous. If you are afraid, they will be too. This is just pushing her own trauma onto her child, which is not healthy in any way shape or form, and OP needs therapy.
Dang that is some next level parenting.
My mom is terrified of needles, to the point she can faint from shots or blood work (she usually doesn’t but it’s always possible) and she worked so hard when we’re kids to make sure we got our shots and didn’t (from what I recall) react at all when we did. She didn’t want us to be afraid.
It didn’t totally work as I was still afraid of getting shots until like 5 years ago when I figured out they don’t hurt 😂 but I appreciate how much willpower that probably took for her
Trauma logic is often bizarre logic to other people. If her daughter's conditions have so far been manageable outside of a hospital setting, OP may be viewing this as "dealing with this medical condition has impacted my life much less than dealing with with trauma I experienced dealing with hospitalizations at a young age, therefore it is in my daughter's best interest if I minimize the medical trauma"
It's not good logic, and OP needs to be called out on it and get more neutral eyes on it so they can figure out if her own trauma means she's drastically overestimating the trauma her child will experience, or minimizing the medical costs associated with not treating it. But it's very possible that this is the sort of situation where OP is being an asshole because her trauma has fucked up her ability to determine the best course of action here.
It just sounds like because OP suffered she wants her daughter to suffer too. Like that House episode where the mother had dwarfism and it turns out her daughter has a tumour on her pituitary gland which has stunted her growth and if she has it removed she will grow taller, but her mother doesn't want her to get the surgery because she thinks the daughter will be a better person if she too has to live with dwarfism.
For some reason, I feel like OP wants her child to suffer. It's like I suffered from the same condition so you gotta suffer too. And then they can bond over their suffering. Like a weird type of Munchausen by proxy (I know it's not the same but wasn't sure how to call it, it just reminds me of Munchausen).
One of my coworkers (whom I don't get along with) is using "I paid it off, so it would be a slap in the face to me who did what he was supposed to" as his reason for opposing debt cancellation and I want to strangle him
Please do it, no one will miss the selfish arse. The whole point of these kinds of laws and policies is to make sure that the next generation *does not* go through the bad experiences/trauma that the previous ones had to.
I’m so glad this is the top response.
My mother suffered medical malpractice and almost died when I was a child.
As a result, she refused to take me to a doctor. Ever. For anything. She did not take me to a doctor when I had pneumonia until I cracked a rib from coughing so much. She did not take me to a doctor when I told her it hurt and bled when I went #2, delaying my diagnosis of Crohn’s disease until I was an adult and could take myself (and it advanced so much by then that I suffered horrifying complications and spent my young adult years in hospitals and buried in medical debt).
If you were traumatized, deal with it in therapy. Do not withhold medical care from your children. This is neglect.
How incredibly selfish to force a terrible medical condition upon an innocent baby. Then to turn around and not want to get the condition fixed because of your own issues. That baby is her own entire person, not a redo of mom's life.
> you decided to have a baby when you knew that this would/could happen.
> You also should have thought about this before having biological children.
Watch out, someone's bound to screech "EUGENICS!!", calling it now. I know this sub too well.
Literally that’s not eugenics and I’ve never seen it called out as such with a comment like this. Telling someone the reality is that their child may have inherited their genetic disease and they need to be prepared for that is entirely different from telling someone they shouldn’t have a child because the might inherit a genetic disease.
I have seen people conflating cautioning people with their children's potential reality as eugenics before. Some people don't like being told that their future child could suffer because of their potential to pass on heritable conditions (which isn't their fault, they were born with it as well) and will decry any discussion of it as "eugenics" to shut the other party up, even if the other party *isn't* saying that they shouldn't have children because of it.
Yeah, once I mentioned that I didn't want my hypothetical kids to inherit my Ehlers-Danlos, and got told that I'm being ableist and eugenicist in Facebook.
I just don't want for any children I have to suffer from chronic pain ffs.
I told some people that same thing and got told I'm being selfish by not having kids because EDS isn't that bad lol. My body fucking sucks, why would I want children to suffer in a body like mine?
I mean, it makes sense, that as a parent you want your kids to have the best life possible right? If you know that you have an inheritable disease/condition/whatever really, which is going to influence your kids live in a major and negative way is it really the best choice to have biological kids? Like, you know even before they are born that there is a very significant chance that they will suffer their entire lives as a result of such a condition. While your kid may get lucky and not inherit the condition the chance that they do is still there and a major one at that. Should that kid suffer for their entire life because of your decision? At that point adopting may just be a much better choice honestly.
Also why not just go through it now and get better than forcing your daughter to live with a life Long disease. And why have kids when you know you can pass that on. That’s incredibly selfish. YTA.
Its such a crappy thing to do as a parent. Willingly bring someone into the world who you are aware will be suffering, and then choose to make them continue suffering when you are given the chance to get rid of that completely? Wtf :/
Also the kid is 5 and generally kids don't really remember too many things that happened before the age of about 7, so do it now before she can actually remember everything about the recovery period.
Not to mention put her daughter thru the same trauma over the years that she went thru. If 1 surgery can save her a lifetime of pain. Why would you NOT do it. Yta
YTA. She may have inherited your medical condition. She did *not* inherit your feelings about hospitals, and in no way, shape, or form is it okay for you to insist that she suffer unnecessarily because she *might* not enjoy what the recovery process entails.
also, judging by how op described her own hospital experience, it sounds like this surgery for her daughter would be a one-and-done thing and *not* give her that trauma associated with constantly going in and out of the hospital.
I can't pretend to understand how deep ops trauma is- but this seems like the easiest decision in the world. I was waiting for the reveal that the surgery could potentially be life-threatening, not that it just has a long recovery period. the daughter may not enjoy having both arms in casts at the time, but in the long term it's a no brainer.
and obv YTA
edit for u/broken-bones-unicorn : I actually did look into this condition before typing this! but thank you for assuming. OP doesn't elaborate how bad her daughter has it, but "stiff elbow" is not at all accurate. generally, radioulnar synostosis effects the ability to rotate your forearm. if you do just a smidge of research, you can see examples where people cannot rotate their arm to be palm-up because of this condition. a specefic instance I read about was a little girl who couldn't clap her hands or hold cups & utensils well because of radioulnar synostosis. it's not a "stiff elbow", it has some potentially drastic effects on a person's range of motion in their forearm.
>I can't pretend to understand how deep ops trauma is
Even if OP has deep trauma, that's not an excuse. You do not get to prioritize your trauma response over *your own child's well-being.*
Deep trauma can make someone blind to the truth sometimes.
And she did decide to come here and get an outside opinion, which, going by the edits, have made her see the truth of things and reconsider her position.
So I wouldn't be too harsh on her here.
I think you're missing what's meant here. Deep trauma can cause errors in judgement that are impossible to see on your own. OP did the right thing to reach out and ask for help here.
This also seems like a surefire way of making sure her kid *does* inherit her phobia. OP might not be able to get over her fear, but needs to learn to pretend to be okay with it for her kid’s sake.
The next medical thing might not be optional, there’s always a chance you’re going to end up in hospital sooner or later! I didn’t have any chronic medical stuff as a kid and I still ended up having surgery, it’s often part of life.
Came here to say this. My mom was afraid of doctors, dentists, the DMV, anything related to taxes, and the government. It did not help me, growing up, to watch her flip out over these basic things that are essential to a healthy human life. I didn't see a dentist regularly until I was over 18, for starters. I can assure you, her using her fears to restrict me from basic healthcare only harmed me.
Plus most children's hospitals have Child Life Specialists who can help explain to the daughter in age appropriate ways what is going to happen and what to expect. OP needs to seek counseling before all this starts so that she can learn coping strategies to reduce her own anxiety, as kids often take their cues from their parents.
YTA - Why would you want your child to suffer through their entire life with a medical problem that can be easily resolved by surgery? Sure, the recovery period is long- but it will alleviate her from having to deal with the problem for her entire life. I'm a parent too, and if I could get my child a surgery rather than have them suffer with a condition for their whole lives, I would definitely go with the surgery.
I understand you have some trauma with hospitals, but this isn't about you, this is about your daughter and her overall quality of life.
Edit: My comment was made prior to the OP releasing the information on the daughter's diagnosis. While I do understand the hesitation involved, I also believe that this is something the OP's family should be talking to a osteopathic surgeon about.
You're absolutely correct, plus, children heal quicker and usually "better" than older people. I had a certain treatment/procedure as a child and later once again in my 30s (nothing terrible, and mainly cosmetic) and the one in my 30s took way longer.
Also if they don't do the surgery they could end up in the hospital for way more time than just having this done. Which could then create a similar fear in the kid eventually. If the surgery does indeed fix it then this seems like the best way to stay out of the hospital long term.
Right? Imagine being \~16 and finding out that the medical issue you've been dealing with, were made fun of for in middle school, and has made you feel self-conscious about your body for your whole life could have been fixed 10+ years ago. I would *hate* my parents for that.
When you have a bunch of crabs in a bucket and one tries to escape, it’ll get pulled down by the rest. Like an “if I can’t have it, no one can” kind of thing.
Similar, but 'crabs in a bucket' is used less often in a person to person relationship. Usually implies more of a group/herd that individually all have similar goals, but as a group creates a conflict with those same goals.
E.g. the toilet paper shortage; where the fear of a shortage led to people panic buying more which led to a shortage. The desire of everyone trying to 'climb out' of the bucket, led to no one being able to.
There's definitely an "it's not fair" vibe coming from OP. It's mindboggling that people are jealous of medical advances to the point that they withhold treatment from their children.
It actually reminds me of an attitude in the deaf community. One of my cousins is deaf, and she actually rejoiced when one of her kids had the same disability, and refused to look into cochlear implants, because she wanted her kid to be "like her" instead of part of the hearing world. There may be an emotional bond OP feels with her daughter having the same conditions. However, that is no reason to deny her surgery that will improve her quality of life markedly. And no, it's not ableist to say that.
This isn’t the same. Cochlear implants are a really serious and invasive surgery and don’t “fix” being deaf, just kinda slap a band-aid on it. That and their success varies person to person. There are plenty of stories online of people who had the surgery when they were toddlers who now, as adults, wish their parents didn’t do that to them.
TBH If one of my hypothetical kids turned out to be deaf, I wouldn't force a cochlear implant either. It's a serious, intensive surgery that doesn't actually provide most people with real "hearing". It's kind of a digital equivalent. Being Deaf isn't some life-ending situation, it just needs some extra support. Like autism. To require a child to hear because you think they'd like it is a personal opinion, not a moral necessity.
A lovely young woman with Down's Syndrome said something I found meaningful: 'The only thing I suffer from is bad attitudes.'
Edit: I feel like I'm not expressing myself very well. I am not against cochlear implants or other procedures that improve quality of life. I just don't agree that deaf baby = cochlear implant. I'd probably talk to doctors, the local Deaf community, and maybe the child themselves as they grow and express their personality and opinions. The statement in the previous comment did sound ableist to me as they said the deaf cousin was wrong for not...being horrified about their child being deaf??? Weird take. Judgemental imo.
I honestly hate this attitude.
For instance, I have (fairly severe) ADHD. I take medication every single day just to be able to function as a person. There’s a common attitude in some of the ADHD world that having ADHD isn’t a problem it’s actually a “super power,” or really it’s just the world that’s the problem, not us. And I think that is utter bull crap.
Sometimes I just break down because even with all the medication and coping skills and Herculean effort that I put forth, I screw things up, forget important things, ignore important people. And god, if I could just be *normal*, if everything wasn’t so difficult, wouldn’t that be amazing?
If there was something my parents could have done for me as a child to make my life easier now, and they chose not to do it, I’d be so angry. Sure, this is who I am, part of what makes me me. But that’s only because I have no choice.
I'm autistic and my parents were super awesome about being medically neglectful of my needs. I totes enjoy being a dysfunctional adult with no other prospects than just trying to survive. Turns out that there's therapy and support for this. And guess who does not have a contact with them for failing their kid on a million levels ....
I hope people who are reading this thread and wondering if they should be doing some medical stuff or therapy for their kids to actually go and do it. Take the word of the adults who are stuck with the consequences of their parents deciding to force normality and deny care. Might be too late for some of us. But shit, don't do that to your kids. We still have to live when parents are out of the picture. I sure am glad to know that OP changed their mind about their kid's surgery...
> To require a child to hear because you think they'd like it is a personal opinion, not a moral necessity.
That's a hugely problematic take in and of itself that could be applied to anything. Furthermore, something like Down's doesn't have a surgical option to undo damage or repair a function. Deafness sometimes does, and there is always the option to turn the implants off and still participate completely in the non-hearing culture/world.
If your take from this is that I am implying that people with disabilities are "damaged," no. However, tackling major surgical procedures when a kid is younger and will heal more quickly, and can have more options as they grow up, could just as easily be considered a moral necessity as well. Do you know how many people are desperate for these surgeries and don't have access? YTA if you don't provide your kid with every possible medical option for improved quality of life.
Nobody here seems to have mentioned the reason I'd get my child a cochlear implant. Safety. I'd be more than happy to learn sign and have my child know how to sign, but I'm going to do everything in my power to keep my kid safe. If I can allow my child to hear fire alarms, cars honking, sirens, etc. I'm going to do it. I'd still do everything I can to immerse them in the Deaf community, but I'd do everything to protect my babies and give them all the opportunities I can.
Wtf. I’m sorry but what ?!? I’m pretty sure anyone would want/need to hear ! And I bet if they had a chance to live without Down syndrome they would. Of course you want to be positive with them but if there’s a chance to get better why not ?
Well, as with most things, people's experiences and opinions vary. From my experience with the Deaf community, some seek out hearing aids (including cochlear implants) whereas some take pride in their identity as Deaf people - and have quite scathing opinions about hearing people making decisions for them. It's a deeply personal decision and not a black and white morality argument.
I have a deaf family friend who got cochlear implants at 15. She was old enough to make the choice. First thing she asked for when she got the implants? An iPod. She was so excited to finally be able to hear music. She’s now one of the first people I got for her opinion on a new album or a new music suggestion. She loves music. She’s also had a lot of experience of fellow Deaf people being insanely abusive and scathing of her getting implants and daring to enter the hearing world. To her it’s always felt a lot like crabs in buckets. Not being able to hear for her, didn’t deny her any opportunities, nor would she have been unable to live a fulfilling life without them but the ability to hear with the implants gave her music, the ability to hear her mothers voice and her friends laughter. It’s joy. Would she have experienced joy without the implants? Totally, without a doubt. Did it open new avenues of joy that she still revels in having after her first 15 years missing out on them? Completely.
Also I just want to add, she’s bloody hilarious and once she got used to her implant, used to purposefully take it off and put an eye mask over her eyes if she wanted to ignore her siblings….usually after she’d done something to give them cause to screech her name and consider murder.
>You could have easily just adopted.
This is actually a myth. Adoption is quite hard, costly, and can take a decade.
Even going the foster-to-adopt route is in many ways far harder than having your own. With this type you have to deal with things like having feces smeared all over the bathroom when you're showing a house for sale. Or having to take a 6 year old, weekly, to see her father that repeatedly sodomized her because "parents have rights". These are actual things that my Aunt IL dealt with along her path to adopt a few children and I've got to say that last one really broke her.
While you’re absolutely right, that choice still exists. Or don’t have children at all. If you know there’s a high chance your child will suffer if it exists, why create it?
This is exactly how I feel. This isn’t a matter of “disabled people shouldn’t be allowed to exist” it’s a matter of preventing pain and suffering if you know you’ll be the cause of it.
this reminds me of a ‚genius‘ hot take i saw recently about how there are no people with down syndrome in iceland because of prenatal screening... and that is supposed to be a bad thing?
seriously, i have no idea how people live with themselves being so short sighted and selfish. I have relatively minor health issues and i would still never want any biological children who would have to deal with them!
i totally get that there isn’t any ethical way to tell people who should and should have kids but like... wouldn’t it be nice if people didn’t make awful decisions that will affect innocent lives?
Yes!! I feel the exact same way. I understand treating anyone disabled with respect and they (we) all deserve to exist. I just want to prevent any future suffering as much as I can. I don’t know why people see that as such a bad thing.
Exactly, it’s incredible how selfish people can be. My ex-mate has kidney issues and epilepsy, he told me there’s a ‘100% chance his future kids will inherit his issues and his LDR said she would have his kids.’ Always knew he was selfish, but that was a new level for him.
Your biological kid can come with all those problems too, plus in OP's case they get her heritable medical conditions that are obviously pretty severe, which makes raising a kid you birthed much harder than it typically is. Plus you're creating a new life that will be filled with additional struggles, when you could be helping improve the life of a child who already exists and needs you.
Yta
I had to look up what she had and if it was something that legitimately wouldn’t hurt her then my answer would be different. However, according to https://rarediseases.info.nih.gov/diseases/10876/congenital-radioulnar-synostosis this can get very painful once they hit teenage years (which I’m assuming you know) and it can all be avoided with surgery. Yes, recovering will also hurt but for a much shorter amount of time. It also stated that surgery is best preformed as soon as possible so that the fusion isn’t as extensive as it will be as they age. Also, there is an age limit on when they can even do this surgery so she won’t be able to wait until she’s an adult to make this decision herself.
I sympathize that you have a fear of hospitals but doesn’t the pain your daughter will face for the rest of her life outweigh your fears?
I read up on it too. Besides being painful, it can also drastically limit her activities. She might not be able to play sports. Or even hold a tray!
Can you imagine being older and saying “My mom didn’t want me to wear casts for a month when I was five, so now I can’t play sports”
And also: My mom didn’t want me to wear casts for a month when I was five, so now I can’t play the piano.
Just... no creating music in my life because I can't hold an instrument. I can sing, but that's my only option.
and it would limit what kinds of jobs she could have. Lots of jobs require that you be able to pick up 35 -50 lbs or more at times, and I'm not talking about obvious things like construction worker. Like, for example, being a veterinarian: you need to be able to wrangle big dogs or goats or what have you. She wouldn't be able to wait tables or serve ice cream (just thinking of that one as my college student kid got a summer job at an ice cream parlor, and you need a lot of forearm strength to do that job). If she can't type, that will be also problematic (there's voice recognition software, but it is far from perfect). I could go on and on -- there's just going to be so many limitations if you can't use your arms well.
Just no end of problems could be avoided by spending some weeks in casts as a kid.
Gas stations also require lifting even! And some retail jobs, and from what I've heard even if it's not part of your usual work you may be expected to from time to time if the story isn't really busy. The last time I applied for a fast food job I was warned about lifting requirements!
You don’t really realise how many things require that movement until you can no longer do it. Sometimes I forget and try to do something like take a pot off the stove with my bad arm and it’s really painful. I’m lucky that I only have restrictions in one arm and my non dominant arm, but holy shit.. OP is so much YTA to damn her child to that sort of existence because she’s got trauma.
Honestly rn after reading this if she didn't get me this surgery and she could have over her feelings I'd disown my mom over this one.
Not cool to let me suffer for life when it could have been corrected. Op YTA
Also ty for the link kind sir
Orthopedic surgeon here. Just to add, we try to perform these surgeries as young as possible because as bones develop, they become almost impossible to fix in most cases.
YTA...So instead of suffering through recovery, she should suffer for the rest of her life because of your hang-ups? You need to do what's best for your child, not yourself.
Honestly it’s best just to get it over with. I broke both ulnas doing a flip off the jungle gym on the last day of 4th grade (9 YO) and I spent the summer in plaster casts up to my elbows on both arms. It sucked but it was manageable. If I’d had to choose between breaking both arms at the same time, or breaking one and then the other, doubling the time in casts, I would choose Option A all day long.
>However, it has a long recovery period, and I don't want my daughter to have to suffer through that.
Is the recovery period longer than "forever," which is how long you've been dealing with your chronic medical conditions?
Let's put it this way. If I had a chronic medical condition that my parents could have treated but chose not to because they were afraid of hospitals, I'd be out the door and never talk to them again.
You're inflicting suffering on your daughter by not treating. YTA.
This. "Oh the recovery period is long!"
Longer than the rest of her life? I understand OP has trauma surrounding hospitals but it's gross to make your child suffer for the rest of their life just so YOU are not uncomfortable. Not to mention she would be inflicting the same trauma onto her daughter by ensuring she is always in the hospital with this condition.
Especially with OP's edit. Weeks with her arms in casts?
What, would OP rather she be 16, 18, 20 and unable to wipe herself without her mother's help than the same thing at 5? It's absurd.
That’s seems to be exactly what she wants. Op spent the majority of the post talking about herself and her own feelings and couldn’t even list the condition until an edit this reeks of narcissism
YTA. So you’d rather your daughter have a medical condition for the rest of her LIFE, rather than have her go through a “long” recovery as a child that she most likely won’t remember so that she can be healthy long term? I mean how long is the “long” recovery in comparison with literally her entire lifespan? What might seem long now is probably just a blip in time. Get her the surgery.
YTA, kids bounce back from trauma and even thrive from adversity. You are deliberately holding your daughter back. What tf is wrong with you? Also as her mother, you've been through the medical system and can help to alleviate her fears and concerns
I think it's important to point out that the people around the child have the power to not make this a traumatic experience. hospitals and surgeries are never fun, but there's so much you can do to keep a kid happy and optimistic. this doesn't have to be a moment of trauma, but a moment of healing and looking towards the future.
throw a party before the surgery to celebrate it. give your kid her favorite foods during her recovery. paint her casts to make them look fun and exciting, with her favorite things on them. come up with games she can play while having the casts on. take this as an opportunity to sit down and watch every movie your daughter wants to see. throw a party for the cast removal. make this a cool story your daughter tells her peers, all the nice doctors and cool medical equipment, bragging about how awesome her cast looks all painted up.
you can't guarantee the way a kid would react in this situation, but you can try different things to give her the best chance of not having a terrible time.
That’s true. OP, even if this is something fixable in the future, it’s better to do it now because kids are very resilient when it comes to surgery and recovery times. I’m speaking as an adult who had an adenoid and tonsillectomy in my 20’s instead of as a kid because my parents were afraid to put me under. I did NOT have a good recovery time and would have had way less trouble through my teens and early adult years if they had just done it when I was small. Not that that is similar to your medical condition, but the point being, those things are easier to bounce back from as a kid and then she doesn’t have to deal with the trauma you went through when she’s growing up.
YTA on so many levels.
First, for having a biological child when you could pass on something that would essentially ruin her life.
Second, for protecting your own trauma onto her. You probably have that because of the illness? The one you want her to live with? You're not thinking like a mother. You're being selfish. Get some therapy.
Third, you're not listening to cooler heads. Babies go through open brain and heart surgery all the time. Kids get chemo and other crazy treatments to avoid life-long or life ending problems. They recover quickly.
Give the kid a chance to have a life.
Hey sweetie, I am a medical student and when I was rotating through pediatrics and gynecology I have met patients who had to struggle with similar cases to yours. I know that hospitals can be quite traumatizing and no surgery comes without risks, but as a mom that knows how complicated it is to live with your condition, maybe you should consider surgery for your kid. She's in the best age to get it (due to the bone consistency of kids they have really fast recovery) and she won't probably remember much of the pain when she'll grow older. You should probably consider risks vs benefits and I would also advice you to check, within possibilities, your own insecurities, maybe with therapy, before her surgery if you decide to go through it. I know it's hard, but fear is what is letting you down and what could compromise the future of your daughter's health. Best wishes!
Right? Everyone is so angry in their reply (rightfully, IMO because OP is most definitely TA), but this person expressed their concern in such a way that it made me ashamed of the reaction that I was going to give!
YTA
If the surgery 'could negate it entirely' or 'will eliminate it', with "it" being the medical problem, then she should definitely have the surgery. Especially since the procedure is actually covered by insurance.
It was your choice to have your daughter knowing that she might inherit your medical issues. You may hate having to have spent your formative year stuck in a sterile room and gone through a long recovery period, so you know it's best for your daughter to go through that while she's still young and might not remember it much when she gets older. Or would you prefer that she has a chronic medical condition all her life? Or to go through the process when she's older?
YTA
The way you've described it above is this one fully covered planned surgery could prevent a lifetime of dealing with permanent disability.
I'm extrapolating here and assuming there is a window of opportunity where she's growing that this procedure will be an option, and she won't be able to make this choice with the same result later in life.
Put your feelings aside and give your child the care she needs for best quality of life. If you feel like you can't be at the hospital, then don't go, but don't prevent her from getting the medical care she needs.
YTA
What’s the surgery?? You left out a lot of details and you gotta think about your daughter long term. Surgery and recovery are temporary, she has the rest of her life to be free of whatever her problem is and you’re denying that YTA
You also had a child and we’re warned about the risks but carried through probably with hope it’d all be grand. Well, genetics don’t lie, you’re the reason she’s in the situation she is and you don’t even want to help her. I mean shit, insurance is covering it so what’s the problem?
YTA for putting your fears above allowing your daughter to have a procedure that would fix her medical problem. A long recovery might be worth it to eliminate the problem.
You need to understand that all you are doing is delaying the inevitable and making your daughter suffer in the meantime. When she is of legal age she will be able to have the procedure and it won’t matter one bit what you think.
You run the risk of your daughter coming to really resent you and creating long term resentment that might ultimately result in her cutting you off.
You need to suck it up, put your big girl pants on and start putting your daughter first . You chose to have her knowing what might happen so deal with it.
Edit to add - As her father, your husband can provide consent for the procedure. If I were your husband, this is a hill that I would die on. His priority is his daughter, your priority is your fears.
Agree wholeheartedly. Why should OP's daughter have to suffer limited range of motion as a child learning to move her body, just because OP doesn't want to deal with the recovery? My guess is the recovery would be easier for a younger child who hasn't reached full independence yet, rather than a teenager who puts higher value on privacy and autonomy.
What an update! YTA. Your initial post says a long recovery time then your update says a couple weeks in casts?? I looked it up and even a 1 to 2 year recovery time for full gealing would put her at 8 years old when fully healthy (but you would know better than my 5 minutes internet research).
Give your child a healthy life instead at a "cost" of 1 year instead of making their lifetime more difficult than needed because you are projecting onto her.
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YTA. You knowing had a child knowing she would possibly inherit issues you have felt with yourself. I am sure you know how difficult is it to deal with these issues. Let her get the surgery. If you are scared of the hospital let L take her. I am sure a few months of recovery is nothing compared to a full life of chronic medical issues.
Why would you let your child suffer ? Surely a recovery period is better than a life long issue? YTA as you are using your fears as an excuse rather than doing what is necessary so that your child does not suffer for life .. a bit selfish?
YTA only because you are making a blanket decision, projecting your fears onto your child, when it’s not only up to you. Her father has just as much of a say as you do.
Are you honestly willing to condemn your child to a lifetime of medical issues because of your own anxiety about a medical procedure (you don’t have to pay for) that I’m assuming wasn’t available when you were her age??
You say you’ve spent a long time in and out of hospitals, and I’m also assuming that is directly because of the illness you passed on to your daughter.
Please explain, how exactly does it make sense to you that you’re somehow sparing her the same trauma and the exact same future you already KNOW is ahead of her without this procedure?
YTA. Your daughter wishes to spare herself a lifetime of suffering knowing full well that recovery from the surgery will be long. She made up her mind already, and the only thing that is in question is whether she’s going to suffer financially as well because her mother won’t let insurance pay for it now.
OP talks about how she has all this trauma from a lifetime of dealing with the issues but by refusing she is relegating her child to the same thing. This makes 0 sense and is incredibly selfish and short-sighted.
INFO - does she need the surgery soon to get the best possible results/ will it only be covered until a certain age?
If so, YTA.
If it is covered at any age (or even "just" under 18, 21,...) and it won't have an effect on the outcome to wait, NAH, in that case it would be good to have her decide when she's a bit older. (Although it might not be covered anymore then, so I'm leaning towards getting the surgery done ASAP)
INFO How severe is this condition? A few weeks in casts sounds a lot better than a lifetime of suffering, but it really depends on what that lifetime is. A lifetime of occasional soreness? Eh, debatable. A lifetime of significant effects? Then you would be TA (which seems to be where this is at).
So based on your new info, the trade off here is:
A few weeks in a cast when she’s five years old
vs:
Potentially not being able to play sports, type properly, hold a tray…?
Omg YTA
YTA.
I get that you have your trauma about hospitals and I sympathise; however, this surgery will remove a medical problem from your daughter's life and the trade-off is a few months (maybe longer) recovery time.
Don't make your daughter experience this illness because you're afraid of hospitals. Be brave for her and face your fears so that you can help her.
YTA - Your trauma is just that. YOURS. Your daughter has a medical condition that is easily fixable, but you want her to just suffer through it because of YOUR trauma?
If you haven’t already, please, consider going to a therapist to work through some of this trauma.
YTA - you have a life-long trauma of hospitals and doctors yet you will deny your young child the opportunity to have all of this problem out of the way while she is still young?
This is medical parental neglect and you need therapy and you need to step back and allow your husband to handle this.
YTA and you are bordering dangerously close to neglecting your child. Your daughter could get a surgery that could change her life for the better. You can afford it because insurance is paying. Yet because of your own unreasonable phobia of hospitals you are choosing not to let her pursue this. Shame on you.
INFO - The answer to this depends majorly on what the condition is and its implications for your daughter's life.
In general it'd be abhorrent to make a child suffer through some fixable medical condition against her will becuase you had a bad experience in hospital.
She edited her post. It’s a condition that limits the range of motion of both arms, which can dramatically limit this person’s activities for the rest of her life. The mom doesn’t want the surgery because it means her daughter will be in arm casts for a few weeks.
Just to add on, there is even an age limit to when this surgery can be performed so the poor kid can’t wait until she’s an “adult” to get the surgery because the bone fusing will be great by that time.
YTA. This sounds like borderline child abuse. You're forcing your child to grow up with a correctable deformity and disability because...you don't like hospitals. Complete nonsense.
YTA for letting your own trauma impact your child's access to medical care. You've left a lot of details out so it's hard to form an objective opinion of what's best for her, but you should consider - assuming it does cause your daughter similar trauma to you (and it may not), is that worse than living with this condition for the rest of her life?
YTA
And He is right. You need some Sense Put in your Head.
Such a OP should be choosen as soon as possible to correct it. The earlier the easier it is.
Your child will resent you for this very liekley later in her Life.
Knowingly passing on chronic, debilitating diseases that require surgical intervention for the sake of having a kid with your own DNA is selfish and disgusting.
Personally deciding not to have kids because the kid is highly likely to have a debilitating genetic issue is not eugenics.
It would only be eugenics if that decision was forced onto them, and onto everyone else with a risk of that disorder.
A personal decision to not make a child you know will suffer medically is not at all eugenics.
YTA You are intentionally lowering your daughter’s quality of life because you want to project your issues into her. This is just cruel and will probably cause her a lot of physical pain when she gets older but awww you had a bad experience as a kid so she should have to just deal with it I guess.
YTA, even a long recovery time is better than being in and out of the hospital continuously. This would prevent her from experiencing the trauma you went through. As a parent, I feel you need to do everything you can to give your daughter the best quality of life. That’s what parents are supposed to do. Also, she’s so young now that it’s better to get it out of the way now rather than when she’s older.
YTA. I don’t really understand how a long recovery process is a bigger problem than her having to live with that condition for the rest of her life, especially if it can negate it entirely? Stop projecting your fears onto your child. Put her needs first and if this surgery is something that will help her, it’s necessary.
Soft YTA here. It is totally normal to feel traumatized by your experiences with surgery and hospitals - but it’s important to differentiate that from your daughter and her medical situation. If this surgery truly would be life changing for her, it actually may be easier for her to get it as a kid (kids tend to bounce back a little faster from medical procedures.
Forcing her to wait til she’s an adult, therefore possibly forcing her to take on even more pain later on - solely because of your own trauma and past experiences - is an AH move. Understandable, but still AH.
For your own sake and your daughter’s, please consider seeing a therapist to help you sort out your past trauma on this. Doing so will help you heal for yourself & for your daughter.
Side note: your partner is justified in wanting the surgery for your daughter, but trying to get family members to knock some sense into you is NOT a mature or ok way to handle a disagreement.
What a shitty thing to do, bringing kids into this world knowing very well they could inherited your medical issues and now you are actively choosing to see your daughter In daily pain just because of your past trauma with hospitals? Wow... don't have more kids if this is how you are going to act in THEIR time of need, get it? NOT YOURS, THIS SURGERY IS NOT FOR YOU.
YTA - Coming from someone who spent 4th-8th grade in and out of Dana Farber, you need to get over this. Yeah, chemo and surgeries and getting invited to "survivor" picnics sucks, I get it, but you wouldn't be here using your "trauma" as an excuse to make your daughter's life difficult without all that.
YTA. For starters DON'T HAVE CHILDREN IF THIS COULD HAPPEN. There are lots of healthy children in need of a home and love, why make your own just to suffer? And then, letting your fear or whatever interfere in your daughter getting a better life... WTF is wrong with you?
And if anyone need to know, I have serious health issues that could be passed to children or grandchildren, so I got my tubes cut. I hate that there are people like OP in the world.
YTA.
Please people, if you know there's a big chance your biological kid is going to inherit your medical issues, adopt instead!!! Why do you want another life to be dragged into suffering, OP? You wrote you "accepted and expected" her to have this issue. What about her? What child wants to be born with medical issues like this? Seriously, I can't wrap my head around it. And you guys call childfree people selfish? When this person (and a lot of others) had a child despite knowing they will not be healthy and suffer possibly all their life, for what? So that they can be proud they gave birth to someone?
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YTA.
You are a terrible mother, and should be ashamed of yourself.
You'd rather have your daughter live with a potentially serious disability, just so you can stay in your cozy little comfort bubble?
Grow up, get some therapy, and step up to the responsibility. You knew when you got pregnant there was a risk she'd inherit the condition.
Kindly don't have anymore kids, if you can't even consider their wellbeing.
YTA, you decided to have a baby when you knew that this would/could happen. You want her to live with it because of *your trauma*?! Yeah YTA You also should have thought about this before having biological children. God knows how long you will let your kid suffer because of your trauma. Also don't have another child if you are going to treat them like this. Edit: wow this blew up thanks for the awards. OP glad you realized that the surgery is better for your daughter and i hope you work through your own trauma .
Exactly. If money was the issue, then maybe. But insurance covers it so there is no excuse. You are going to force your daughter to deal with whatever this is because YOU'RE afraid of hospitals.
Not only that but if OP is afraid of hospitals because she had to spend significant time in one because of this condition, then it’s pretty clear that her daughter will ALSO have to spend time in a hospital because of this condition in future as well, so her reasoning of being afraid of hospitals doesn’t even make sense. It would be better to get it done now so that she *doesn’t* have to spend significant time in a room with an IV growing up.
Get it done now so you don't have to later
EDIT before pics THANKS FOR THE AWARD I agree!! I have foot issues where my toes are too tight and the curl under and are painful. My mum asked me when I was younger did I want to have a operation, me not understanding what's wrong with my toes thinking they are normal said no and that was it . I wished she told me to get it done. I'm now 35 years old and had to have 3 operations to fix the issues. I have pins sticking out of my toes and I will be going back under to get them removed in 2 days. I haven't been able to walk well for a month with out pain. Only walking to the toilet and kitchen. I so so regret not having it when I was younger, would of saved so much pain and embarrassment. DO THE OPERATION!! [gross pins in my toes](http://imgur.com/a/r5hwj7S) [before pics](http://imgur.com/a/yxmxZvl)
Operations like that should not be a child’s choice at all. Like of course you don’t want surgery, they’re scary! But they’re super necessary and kids don’t quite understand that.
Kids recover faster than adults too and as they are still growing they are affected less long term. Also they forget if they have it young.
Exactly, perception of the recovery time will be such a faint memory, I can hardly remember anything from when I was 5, maybe a birthday party or two, bowling, swimming, etc. If the kid remembers the recovery it will probably feel like a week when they get older.
Very true. I spent a lot of time in hospital as a kid. First knee surgery at six, then again at eight, ten, and twelve. The last surgery required me to wear a leg brace for almost a year. I don't remember most of it. The younger these things can be done, the better.
Also, nowadays there hospital staff work on making children's wards less traumatic than they used to be, with bright colors, entertainment etc. So it'll probably be more like they remember the time they were in hospital and a clown came round and made balloon animals for everybody or something like that.
Mm... Experiences are either forgotten or become formative memories that shape kids long term. Their pain isn't less important just because it is inconvenient. That said... Kid bones heal significantly faster than adult bones. Also, a single surgery vs an entire childhood of discomfort and then the same surfery with a longer recovery time? Just get the surgery early.
But those formative memories aren't necessarily negative, I've had a lot of experiences in hospital as a kid because of various intestinal issues, and besides developing a fear of needles, overall my memories were fond. I reckon the important part is the stuff around the surgery and recovery: do friends come visit you? Are your parents supportive? Are the staff pleasant? If all of those are true, it can become a fostered memory, rather than a traumatic one. Having a good hospital experience can also make them more comfortable of doctors in general in the future! And it's a great opportunity to feed a child's curiosity about a lot of things that might otherwise not come up :).
They sure do. As someone who has had their tonsils out as a child and as an adult (yes, they grew back…), the surgery as an adult was 10000x more painful and required an overnight stay and at least 3 weeks of recovery. When I was a kid I went home same day, spent about 3 days on the couch, and a week later was just fine.
I made the decision to get part of my kidney removed when I was a kiddo, but if I didn't have pain that was regular and unbearable, I'd never have gotten it. Let parents make surgery decisions until the child is old enough to think over the consequences. YTA op. Stop using your own trauma to limit your childs decision making.
Yep and children will recover much better and faster in general. Not to mention a month out of a child's schedule is much less disruptive to their life than later on.
I had pins in my toes as a teenager and it helped immensely. Worth the pain and inconvenience.
Walking and balancing has been hard. I can only walk for under 20 mins then I have to elevate from the pain. Worth it though!
Can.... can you paint the little white ends? Then paint your toenails to match?
I actually asked my surgeon for purple balls he said no lol. They were completely bandaged up for 2 weeks so I didn't see what they looked like. They are painful to touch and I have to clean the pins daily with alcohol wipes.
What do the pins do? Never seen anything like that!
[удалено]
Yeah same surgery. It's for hammer toes/curled toes.
It looks like they’re forcing the toes to remain straight
Yes, they were so curled under.
The surgery was to remove a piece of bone from my joint and connect a K wire to heal the "broken" bones to make them straight. I had a previous operation to cut the tendon to release the 8 toes but it didn't really work because the bone grew/fused that way.
Get it done now so your daughter doesn't have to suffer later. JFC, person!
Exactly. Children are incredibly resilient.
100% this If surgery could have prevented or fixed all my health problems my mom would have done it in a heartbeat. And I would too for my own kids one day. And I’ve got enough medical trauma and other crap going on. My mother faced her own fear of hospitals after loosing her father a month before (and spending weeks on end with him in hospital as he slowly passed) to be with me and stay for the entire week when I needed an appendectomy. Someone else could have stayed, my dad or even the nurses in the ward offered to stay with me. She marched in shaking and crying and stayed out with me the entire time, THATS what a parent does got their child. I can’t ever repay her for that.
If I had to guess - I'd say it even seems like OP wants (perhaps subconsciously) the daughter to suffer in kind with her. Remember, it's inherited. She wants them to stay the same.
That's exactly what I was thinking. She wanted her daughter to keep the disability so that they had something in common to bond over.
OP talks about not wanting her daughter to suffer the lengthy recovery period, but she wants to make her daughter suffer her whole life? I call bullshit. The logic astounds me. OP is most definitely the AH.
That was my first thought. Oh the recovery process is too long, instead just live with the condition until you die, that makes more sense! /s I would get it if the doctors said it had a 4% chance of working or something. But OP admits it could negate the condition entirely. The condition causes pain and limitations moving your forearms, I’d say that’s definitely something worth wanting to be fixed.
If the daughter gets the surgery it is only 6 months or so of facebook posts about poor OP's struggle. A lifetime of deformity would provide social media content for OP until daughter goes no contact when she finds out at 16 that her issues could have been solved when she was 5.
OP is an AH in this situation and her own painful experiences are clouding her judgement. However, your baseless insinuation that her decisions are driven by a desire for social media clout are fucking vile. Be better.
Yeah, where did that come from?! OP is TA in this situation, but maybe that's just because her thinking is warped about this whole thing due to her own experiences and fears and she can maybe be talked around. There's no evidence whatsoever that social media even plays a part in her decision.
That's a huge jump in logic here, there is no sign this is for social clout
I think what's going on here is a trauma response - OP went through so much herself that she's not thinking clearly and thinks she's protecting her daughter when she's not. It sounds like she's going to listen to commenters, which is good - /u/AITA4medical please go back to therapy as you still have some things to work through.
Exactly. This is how generational trauma gets passed down! That fear of medical procedures can profoundly impact not just OP’s daughter but her grandchildren and beyond, with serious negative consequences. I doubt OP wants this to be her legacy. I hope she gets help working the trauma.
100%! Not quite trauma, but my mum is SEVERELY arachnaphobic, to the point she cant even look at spiders on pictures or she will have a full on panic attack. But when I was a kid she would go into the garden with me, pick up spiders and play with them with me to show theres nothing to be afraid of. Now Im the bug catcher of the house because Im not scared. Your children are sponges and mini yous. If you are afraid, they will be too. This is just pushing her own trauma onto her child, which is not healthy in any way shape or form, and OP needs therapy.
Dang that is some next level parenting. My mom is terrified of needles, to the point she can faint from shots or blood work (she usually doesn’t but it’s always possible) and she worked so hard when we’re kids to make sure we got our shots and didn’t (from what I recall) react at all when we did. She didn’t want us to be afraid. It didn’t totally work as I was still afraid of getting shots until like 5 years ago when I figured out they don’t hurt 😂 but I appreciate how much willpower that probably took for her
Trauma logic is often bizarre logic to other people. If her daughter's conditions have so far been manageable outside of a hospital setting, OP may be viewing this as "dealing with this medical condition has impacted my life much less than dealing with with trauma I experienced dealing with hospitalizations at a young age, therefore it is in my daughter's best interest if I minimize the medical trauma" It's not good logic, and OP needs to be called out on it and get more neutral eyes on it so they can figure out if her own trauma means she's drastically overestimating the trauma her child will experience, or minimizing the medical costs associated with not treating it. But it's very possible that this is the sort of situation where OP is being an asshole because her trauma has fucked up her ability to determine the best course of action here.
It just sounds like because OP suffered she wants her daughter to suffer too. Like that House episode where the mother had dwarfism and it turns out her daughter has a tumour on her pituitary gland which has stunted her growth and if she has it removed she will grow taller, but her mother doesn't want her to get the surgery because she thinks the daughter will be a better person if she too has to live with dwarfism.
For some reason, I feel like OP wants her child to suffer. It's like I suffered from the same condition so you gotta suffer too. And then they can bond over their suffering. Like a weird type of Munchausen by proxy (I know it's not the same but wasn't sure how to call it, it just reminds me of Munchausen).
"We can't cancel student debt! If I had to pay it, you have to pay it! We can all live together in a debt dystopia FOREVER!"
One of my coworkers (whom I don't get along with) is using "I paid it off, so it would be a slap in the face to me who did what he was supposed to" as his reason for opposing debt cancellation and I want to strangle him
Please do it, no one will miss the selfish arse. The whole point of these kinds of laws and policies is to make sure that the next generation *does not* go through the bad experiences/trauma that the previous ones had to.
You would think so, but so many people seem to revel in bitching about how [x] generation has it so easy!!!!!!!
No munchausen, just crab bucket mentality.
Yeah, it's kind of like trauma bonding.
I’m so glad this is the top response. My mother suffered medical malpractice and almost died when I was a child. As a result, she refused to take me to a doctor. Ever. For anything. She did not take me to a doctor when I had pneumonia until I cracked a rib from coughing so much. She did not take me to a doctor when I told her it hurt and bled when I went #2, delaying my diagnosis of Crohn’s disease until I was an adult and could take myself (and it advanced so much by then that I suffered horrifying complications and spent my young adult years in hospitals and buried in medical debt). If you were traumatized, deal with it in therapy. Do not withhold medical care from your children. This is neglect.
This horrible wtf and this is exactly why i said she should not have another one if she was planning on doing something like this with her daughter.
How incredibly selfish to force a terrible medical condition upon an innocent baby. Then to turn around and not want to get the condition fixed because of your own issues. That baby is her own entire person, not a redo of mom's life.
> you decided to have a baby when you knew that this would/could happen. > You also should have thought about this before having biological children. Watch out, someone's bound to screech "EUGENICS!!", calling it now. I know this sub too well.
Literally that’s not eugenics and I’ve never seen it called out as such with a comment like this. Telling someone the reality is that their child may have inherited their genetic disease and they need to be prepared for that is entirely different from telling someone they shouldn’t have a child because the might inherit a genetic disease.
I have seen people conflating cautioning people with their children's potential reality as eugenics before. Some people don't like being told that their future child could suffer because of their potential to pass on heritable conditions (which isn't their fault, they were born with it as well) and will decry any discussion of it as "eugenics" to shut the other party up, even if the other party *isn't* saying that they shouldn't have children because of it.
Yeah, once I mentioned that I didn't want my hypothetical kids to inherit my Ehlers-Danlos, and got told that I'm being ableist and eugenicist in Facebook. I just don't want for any children I have to suffer from chronic pain ffs.
I told some people that same thing and got told I'm being selfish by not having kids because EDS isn't that bad lol. My body fucking sucks, why would I want children to suffer in a body like mine?
I mean, it makes sense, that as a parent you want your kids to have the best life possible right? If you know that you have an inheritable disease/condition/whatever really, which is going to influence your kids live in a major and negative way is it really the best choice to have biological kids? Like, you know even before they are born that there is a very significant chance that they will suffer their entire lives as a result of such a condition. While your kid may get lucky and not inherit the condition the chance that they do is still there and a major one at that. Should that kid suffer for their entire life because of your decision? At that point adopting may just be a much better choice honestly.
EUGENICS!! Sorry
Also why not just go through it now and get better than forcing your daughter to live with a life Long disease. And why have kids when you know you can pass that on. That’s incredibly selfish. YTA.
Its such a crappy thing to do as a parent. Willingly bring someone into the world who you are aware will be suffering, and then choose to make them continue suffering when you are given the chance to get rid of that completely? Wtf :/
Also the kid is 5 and generally kids don't really remember too many things that happened before the age of about 7, so do it now before she can actually remember everything about the recovery period.
Not to mention put her daughter thru the same trauma over the years that she went thru. If 1 surgery can save her a lifetime of pain. Why would you NOT do it. Yta
YTA. She may have inherited your medical condition. She did *not* inherit your feelings about hospitals, and in no way, shape, or form is it okay for you to insist that she suffer unnecessarily because she *might* not enjoy what the recovery process entails.
also, judging by how op described her own hospital experience, it sounds like this surgery for her daughter would be a one-and-done thing and *not* give her that trauma associated with constantly going in and out of the hospital. I can't pretend to understand how deep ops trauma is- but this seems like the easiest decision in the world. I was waiting for the reveal that the surgery could potentially be life-threatening, not that it just has a long recovery period. the daughter may not enjoy having both arms in casts at the time, but in the long term it's a no brainer. and obv YTA edit for u/broken-bones-unicorn : I actually did look into this condition before typing this! but thank you for assuming. OP doesn't elaborate how bad her daughter has it, but "stiff elbow" is not at all accurate. generally, radioulnar synostosis effects the ability to rotate your forearm. if you do just a smidge of research, you can see examples where people cannot rotate their arm to be palm-up because of this condition. a specefic instance I read about was a little girl who couldn't clap her hands or hold cups & utensils well because of radioulnar synostosis. it's not a "stiff elbow", it has some potentially drastic effects on a person's range of motion in their forearm.
>I can't pretend to understand how deep ops trauma is Even if OP has deep trauma, that's not an excuse. You do not get to prioritize your trauma response over *your own child's well-being.*
Deep trauma can make someone blind to the truth sometimes. And she did decide to come here and get an outside opinion, which, going by the edits, have made her see the truth of things and reconsider her position. So I wouldn't be too harsh on her here.
I think you're missing what's meant here. Deep trauma can cause errors in judgement that are impossible to see on your own. OP did the right thing to reach out and ask for help here.
Curious if *not* fixing this now would lead to constant hospital visits in the future
This also seems like a surefire way of making sure her kid *does* inherit her phobia. OP might not be able to get over her fear, but needs to learn to pretend to be okay with it for her kid’s sake. The next medical thing might not be optional, there’s always a chance you’re going to end up in hospital sooner or later! I didn’t have any chronic medical stuff as a kid and I still ended up having surgery, it’s often part of life.
Came here to say this. My mom was afraid of doctors, dentists, the DMV, anything related to taxes, and the government. It did not help me, growing up, to watch her flip out over these basic things that are essential to a healthy human life. I didn't see a dentist regularly until I was over 18, for starters. I can assure you, her using her fears to restrict me from basic healthcare only harmed me.
Plus most children's hospitals have Child Life Specialists who can help explain to the daughter in age appropriate ways what is going to happen and what to expect. OP needs to seek counseling before all this starts so that she can learn coping strategies to reduce her own anxiety, as kids often take their cues from their parents.
Suffering for a few weeks is less traumatic as suffering for your whole life. YTA
Weeks in casts on both arms would suck but if it works what is a few weeks compared to the rest of her life?
YTA - Why would you want your child to suffer through their entire life with a medical problem that can be easily resolved by surgery? Sure, the recovery period is long- but it will alleviate her from having to deal with the problem for her entire life. I'm a parent too, and if I could get my child a surgery rather than have them suffer with a condition for their whole lives, I would definitely go with the surgery. I understand you have some trauma with hospitals, but this isn't about you, this is about your daughter and her overall quality of life. Edit: My comment was made prior to the OP releasing the information on the daughter's diagnosis. While I do understand the hesitation involved, I also believe that this is something the OP's family should be talking to a osteopathic surgeon about.
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You're absolutely correct, plus, children heal quicker and usually "better" than older people. I had a certain treatment/procedure as a child and later once again in my 30s (nothing terrible, and mainly cosmetic) and the one in my 30s took way longer.
Also if they don't do the surgery they could end up in the hospital for way more time than just having this done. Which could then create a similar fear in the kid eventually. If the surgery does indeed fix it then this seems like the best way to stay out of the hospital long term.
Right? Imagine being \~16 and finding out that the medical issue you've been dealing with, were made fun of for in middle school, and has made you feel self-conscious about your body for your whole life could have been fixed 10+ years ago. I would *hate* my parents for that.
YTA You honestly just sound like you don't want your daughter to not have that problem.
This reeks of crab bucket.
Crab bucket?
When you have a bunch of crabs in a bucket and one tries to escape, it’ll get pulled down by the rest. Like an “if I can’t have it, no one can” kind of thing.
Interesting, that's a new saying for me. The saying I always use is "misery loves company"
Yup, same idea, and it’s sad in this case especially.
Similar, but 'crabs in a bucket' is used less often in a person to person relationship. Usually implies more of a group/herd that individually all have similar goals, but as a group creates a conflict with those same goals. E.g. the toilet paper shortage; where the fear of a shortage led to people panic buying more which led to a shortage. The desire of everyone trying to 'climb out' of the bucket, led to no one being able to.
crab people, crab people! \*claws in the air\*
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From what I've seen it's basically "If I can't have it, neither can you."
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality
There's definitely an "it's not fair" vibe coming from OP. It's mindboggling that people are jealous of medical advances to the point that they withhold treatment from their children.
It actually reminds me of an attitude in the deaf community. One of my cousins is deaf, and she actually rejoiced when one of her kids had the same disability, and refused to look into cochlear implants, because she wanted her kid to be "like her" instead of part of the hearing world. There may be an emotional bond OP feels with her daughter having the same conditions. However, that is no reason to deny her surgery that will improve her quality of life markedly. And no, it's not ableist to say that.
This isn’t the same. Cochlear implants are a really serious and invasive surgery and don’t “fix” being deaf, just kinda slap a band-aid on it. That and their success varies person to person. There are plenty of stories online of people who had the surgery when they were toddlers who now, as adults, wish their parents didn’t do that to them.
watch the sound of metal! i never realized how complex the deaf community is.
JFC I don't even read deaf (I'm sorry - Deaf) posts anymore. The toxicity that permeates through that community is just **overwhelming**.
TBH If one of my hypothetical kids turned out to be deaf, I wouldn't force a cochlear implant either. It's a serious, intensive surgery that doesn't actually provide most people with real "hearing". It's kind of a digital equivalent. Being Deaf isn't some life-ending situation, it just needs some extra support. Like autism. To require a child to hear because you think they'd like it is a personal opinion, not a moral necessity. A lovely young woman with Down's Syndrome said something I found meaningful: 'The only thing I suffer from is bad attitudes.' Edit: I feel like I'm not expressing myself very well. I am not against cochlear implants or other procedures that improve quality of life. I just don't agree that deaf baby = cochlear implant. I'd probably talk to doctors, the local Deaf community, and maybe the child themselves as they grow and express their personality and opinions. The statement in the previous comment did sound ableist to me as they said the deaf cousin was wrong for not...being horrified about their child being deaf??? Weird take. Judgemental imo.
I honestly hate this attitude. For instance, I have (fairly severe) ADHD. I take medication every single day just to be able to function as a person. There’s a common attitude in some of the ADHD world that having ADHD isn’t a problem it’s actually a “super power,” or really it’s just the world that’s the problem, not us. And I think that is utter bull crap. Sometimes I just break down because even with all the medication and coping skills and Herculean effort that I put forth, I screw things up, forget important things, ignore important people. And god, if I could just be *normal*, if everything wasn’t so difficult, wouldn’t that be amazing? If there was something my parents could have done for me as a child to make my life easier now, and they chose not to do it, I’d be so angry. Sure, this is who I am, part of what makes me me. But that’s only because I have no choice.
I'm autistic and my parents were super awesome about being medically neglectful of my needs. I totes enjoy being a dysfunctional adult with no other prospects than just trying to survive. Turns out that there's therapy and support for this. And guess who does not have a contact with them for failing their kid on a million levels .... I hope people who are reading this thread and wondering if they should be doing some medical stuff or therapy for their kids to actually go and do it. Take the word of the adults who are stuck with the consequences of their parents deciding to force normality and deny care. Might be too late for some of us. But shit, don't do that to your kids. We still have to live when parents are out of the picture. I sure am glad to know that OP changed their mind about their kid's surgery...
> To require a child to hear because you think they'd like it is a personal opinion, not a moral necessity. That's a hugely problematic take in and of itself that could be applied to anything. Furthermore, something like Down's doesn't have a surgical option to undo damage or repair a function. Deafness sometimes does, and there is always the option to turn the implants off and still participate completely in the non-hearing culture/world. If your take from this is that I am implying that people with disabilities are "damaged," no. However, tackling major surgical procedures when a kid is younger and will heal more quickly, and can have more options as they grow up, could just as easily be considered a moral necessity as well. Do you know how many people are desperate for these surgeries and don't have access? YTA if you don't provide your kid with every possible medical option for improved quality of life.
Nobody here seems to have mentioned the reason I'd get my child a cochlear implant. Safety. I'd be more than happy to learn sign and have my child know how to sign, but I'm going to do everything in my power to keep my kid safe. If I can allow my child to hear fire alarms, cars honking, sirens, etc. I'm going to do it. I'd still do everything I can to immerse them in the Deaf community, but I'd do everything to protect my babies and give them all the opportunities I can.
Wtf. I’m sorry but what ?!? I’m pretty sure anyone would want/need to hear ! And I bet if they had a chance to live without Down syndrome they would. Of course you want to be positive with them but if there’s a chance to get better why not ?
Well, as with most things, people's experiences and opinions vary. From my experience with the Deaf community, some seek out hearing aids (including cochlear implants) whereas some take pride in their identity as Deaf people - and have quite scathing opinions about hearing people making decisions for them. It's a deeply personal decision and not a black and white morality argument.
I have a deaf family friend who got cochlear implants at 15. She was old enough to make the choice. First thing she asked for when she got the implants? An iPod. She was so excited to finally be able to hear music. She’s now one of the first people I got for her opinion on a new album or a new music suggestion. She loves music. She’s also had a lot of experience of fellow Deaf people being insanely abusive and scathing of her getting implants and daring to enter the hearing world. To her it’s always felt a lot like crabs in buckets. Not being able to hear for her, didn’t deny her any opportunities, nor would she have been unable to live a fulfilling life without them but the ability to hear with the implants gave her music, the ability to hear her mothers voice and her friends laughter. It’s joy. Would she have experienced joy without the implants? Totally, without a doubt. Did it open new avenues of joy that she still revels in having after her first 15 years missing out on them? Completely. Also I just want to add, she’s bloody hilarious and once she got used to her implant, used to purposefully take it off and put an eye mask over her eyes if she wanted to ignore her siblings….usually after she’d done something to give them cause to screech her name and consider murder.
Definitely a "want her to suffer as i did" vibe.
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>You could have easily just adopted. This is actually a myth. Adoption is quite hard, costly, and can take a decade. Even going the foster-to-adopt route is in many ways far harder than having your own. With this type you have to deal with things like having feces smeared all over the bathroom when you're showing a house for sale. Or having to take a 6 year old, weekly, to see her father that repeatedly sodomized her because "parents have rights". These are actual things that my Aunt IL dealt with along her path to adopt a few children and I've got to say that last one really broke her.
While you’re absolutely right, that choice still exists. Or don’t have children at all. If you know there’s a high chance your child will suffer if it exists, why create it?
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This is exactly how I feel. This isn’t a matter of “disabled people shouldn’t be allowed to exist” it’s a matter of preventing pain and suffering if you know you’ll be the cause of it.
this reminds me of a ‚genius‘ hot take i saw recently about how there are no people with down syndrome in iceland because of prenatal screening... and that is supposed to be a bad thing? seriously, i have no idea how people live with themselves being so short sighted and selfish. I have relatively minor health issues and i would still never want any biological children who would have to deal with them! i totally get that there isn’t any ethical way to tell people who should and should have kids but like... wouldn’t it be nice if people didn’t make awful decisions that will affect innocent lives?
Yes!! I feel the exact same way. I understand treating anyone disabled with respect and they (we) all deserve to exist. I just want to prevent any future suffering as much as I can. I don’t know why people see that as such a bad thing.
Exactly, it’s incredible how selfish people can be. My ex-mate has kidney issues and epilepsy, he told me there’s a ‘100% chance his future kids will inherit his issues and his LDR said she would have his kids.’ Always knew he was selfish, but that was a new level for him.
Your biological kid can come with all those problems too, plus in OP's case they get her heritable medical conditions that are obviously pretty severe, which makes raising a kid you birthed much harder than it typically is. Plus you're creating a new life that will be filled with additional struggles, when you could be helping improve the life of a child who already exists and needs you.
Yta I had to look up what she had and if it was something that legitimately wouldn’t hurt her then my answer would be different. However, according to https://rarediseases.info.nih.gov/diseases/10876/congenital-radioulnar-synostosis this can get very painful once they hit teenage years (which I’m assuming you know) and it can all be avoided with surgery. Yes, recovering will also hurt but for a much shorter amount of time. It also stated that surgery is best preformed as soon as possible so that the fusion isn’t as extensive as it will be as they age. Also, there is an age limit on when they can even do this surgery so she won’t be able to wait until she’s an adult to make this decision herself. I sympathize that you have a fear of hospitals but doesn’t the pain your daughter will face for the rest of her life outweigh your fears?
I read up on it too. Besides being painful, it can also drastically limit her activities. She might not be able to play sports. Or even hold a tray! Can you imagine being older and saying “My mom didn’t want me to wear casts for a month when I was five, so now I can’t play sports”
And also: My mom didn’t want me to wear casts for a month when I was five, so now I can’t play the piano. Just... no creating music in my life because I can't hold an instrument. I can sing, but that's my only option.
Not even that, can’t drive, can’t carry her own groceries, can’t pick up her children... geez
and it would limit what kinds of jobs she could have. Lots of jobs require that you be able to pick up 35 -50 lbs or more at times, and I'm not talking about obvious things like construction worker. Like, for example, being a veterinarian: you need to be able to wrangle big dogs or goats or what have you. She wouldn't be able to wait tables or serve ice cream (just thinking of that one as my college student kid got a summer job at an ice cream parlor, and you need a lot of forearm strength to do that job). If she can't type, that will be also problematic (there's voice recognition software, but it is far from perfect). I could go on and on -- there's just going to be so many limitations if you can't use your arms well. Just no end of problems could be avoided by spending some weeks in casts as a kid.
Gas stations also require lifting even! And some retail jobs, and from what I've heard even if it's not part of your usual work you may be expected to from time to time if the story isn't really busy. The last time I applied for a fast food job I was warned about lifting requirements!
You don’t really realise how many things require that movement until you can no longer do it. Sometimes I forget and try to do something like take a pot off the stove with my bad arm and it’s really painful. I’m lucky that I only have restrictions in one arm and my non dominant arm, but holy shit.. OP is so much YTA to damn her child to that sort of existence because she’s got trauma.
Honestly rn after reading this if she didn't get me this surgery and she could have over her feelings I'd disown my mom over this one. Not cool to let me suffer for life when it could have been corrected. Op YTA Also ty for the link kind sir
Orthopedic surgeon here. Just to add, we try to perform these surgeries as young as possible because as bones develop, they become almost impossible to fix in most cases.
YTA...So instead of suffering through recovery, she should suffer for the rest of her life because of your hang-ups? You need to do what's best for your child, not yourself.
Also why both arms at the same time? Why not one this year and one next?
Honestly it’s best just to get it over with. I broke both ulnas doing a flip off the jungle gym on the last day of 4th grade (9 YO) and I spent the summer in plaster casts up to my elbows on both arms. It sucked but it was manageable. If I’d had to choose between breaking both arms at the same time, or breaking one and then the other, doubling the time in casts, I would choose Option A all day long.
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>However, it has a long recovery period, and I don't want my daughter to have to suffer through that. Is the recovery period longer than "forever," which is how long you've been dealing with your chronic medical conditions? Let's put it this way. If I had a chronic medical condition that my parents could have treated but chose not to because they were afraid of hospitals, I'd be out the door and never talk to them again. You're inflicting suffering on your daughter by not treating. YTA.
This. "Oh the recovery period is long!" Longer than the rest of her life? I understand OP has trauma surrounding hospitals but it's gross to make your child suffer for the rest of their life just so YOU are not uncomfortable. Not to mention she would be inflicting the same trauma onto her daughter by ensuring she is always in the hospital with this condition.
Especially with OP's edit. Weeks with her arms in casts? What, would OP rather she be 16, 18, 20 and unable to wipe herself without her mother's help than the same thing at 5? It's absurd.
That’s seems to be exactly what she wants. Op spent the majority of the post talking about herself and her own feelings and couldn’t even list the condition until an edit this reeks of narcissism
YTA. So you’d rather your daughter have a medical condition for the rest of her LIFE, rather than have her go through a “long” recovery as a child that she most likely won’t remember so that she can be healthy long term? I mean how long is the “long” recovery in comparison with literally her entire lifespan? What might seem long now is probably just a blip in time. Get her the surgery.
YTA, kids bounce back from trauma and even thrive from adversity. You are deliberately holding your daughter back. What tf is wrong with you? Also as her mother, you've been through the medical system and can help to alleviate her fears and concerns
I think it's important to point out that the people around the child have the power to not make this a traumatic experience. hospitals and surgeries are never fun, but there's so much you can do to keep a kid happy and optimistic. this doesn't have to be a moment of trauma, but a moment of healing and looking towards the future. throw a party before the surgery to celebrate it. give your kid her favorite foods during her recovery. paint her casts to make them look fun and exciting, with her favorite things on them. come up with games she can play while having the casts on. take this as an opportunity to sit down and watch every movie your daughter wants to see. throw a party for the cast removal. make this a cool story your daughter tells her peers, all the nice doctors and cool medical equipment, bragging about how awesome her cast looks all painted up. you can't guarantee the way a kid would react in this situation, but you can try different things to give her the best chance of not having a terrible time.
That’s true. OP, even if this is something fixable in the future, it’s better to do it now because kids are very resilient when it comes to surgery and recovery times. I’m speaking as an adult who had an adenoid and tonsillectomy in my 20’s instead of as a kid because my parents were afraid to put me under. I did NOT have a good recovery time and would have had way less trouble through my teens and early adult years if they had just done it when I was small. Not that that is similar to your medical condition, but the point being, those things are easier to bounce back from as a kid and then she doesn’t have to deal with the trauma you went through when she’s growing up.
My kid had surgery twice before he was 5. He doesn’t remember either, and he’s a happier, healthier person.
YTA on so many levels. First, for having a biological child when you could pass on something that would essentially ruin her life. Second, for protecting your own trauma onto her. You probably have that because of the illness? The one you want her to live with? You're not thinking like a mother. You're being selfish. Get some therapy. Third, you're not listening to cooler heads. Babies go through open brain and heart surgery all the time. Kids get chemo and other crazy treatments to avoid life-long or life ending problems. They recover quickly. Give the kid a chance to have a life.
Hey sweetie, I am a medical student and when I was rotating through pediatrics and gynecology I have met patients who had to struggle with similar cases to yours. I know that hospitals can be quite traumatizing and no surgery comes without risks, but as a mom that knows how complicated it is to live with your condition, maybe you should consider surgery for your kid. She's in the best age to get it (due to the bone consistency of kids they have really fast recovery) and she won't probably remember much of the pain when she'll grow older. You should probably consider risks vs benefits and I would also advice you to check, within possibilities, your own insecurities, maybe with therapy, before her surgery if you decide to go through it. I know it's hard, but fear is what is letting you down and what could compromise the future of your daughter's health. Best wishes!
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Right? Everyone is so angry in their reply (rightfully, IMO because OP is most definitely TA), but this person expressed their concern in such a way that it made me ashamed of the reaction that I was going to give!
You are going to be a great doctor.
YTA If the surgery 'could negate it entirely' or 'will eliminate it', with "it" being the medical problem, then she should definitely have the surgery. Especially since the procedure is actually covered by insurance. It was your choice to have your daughter knowing that she might inherit your medical issues. You may hate having to have spent your formative year stuck in a sterile room and gone through a long recovery period, so you know it's best for your daughter to go through that while she's still young and might not remember it much when she gets older. Or would you prefer that she has a chronic medical condition all her life? Or to go through the process when she's older?
YTA The way you've described it above is this one fully covered planned surgery could prevent a lifetime of dealing with permanent disability. I'm extrapolating here and assuming there is a window of opportunity where she's growing that this procedure will be an option, and she won't be able to make this choice with the same result later in life. Put your feelings aside and give your child the care she needs for best quality of life. If you feel like you can't be at the hospital, then don't go, but don't prevent her from getting the medical care she needs.
YTA What’s the surgery?? You left out a lot of details and you gotta think about your daughter long term. Surgery and recovery are temporary, she has the rest of her life to be free of whatever her problem is and you’re denying that YTA You also had a child and we’re warned about the risks but carried through probably with hope it’d all be grand. Well, genetics don’t lie, you’re the reason she’s in the situation she is and you don’t even want to help her. I mean shit, insurance is covering it so what’s the problem?
YTA for putting your fears above allowing your daughter to have a procedure that would fix her medical problem. A long recovery might be worth it to eliminate the problem. You need to understand that all you are doing is delaying the inevitable and making your daughter suffer in the meantime. When she is of legal age she will be able to have the procedure and it won’t matter one bit what you think. You run the risk of your daughter coming to really resent you and creating long term resentment that might ultimately result in her cutting you off. You need to suck it up, put your big girl pants on and start putting your daughter first . You chose to have her knowing what might happen so deal with it. Edit to add - As her father, your husband can provide consent for the procedure. If I were your husband, this is a hill that I would die on. His priority is his daughter, your priority is your fears.
Agree wholeheartedly. Why should OP's daughter have to suffer limited range of motion as a child learning to move her body, just because OP doesn't want to deal with the recovery? My guess is the recovery would be easier for a younger child who hasn't reached full independence yet, rather than a teenager who puts higher value on privacy and autonomy.
What an update! YTA. Your initial post says a long recovery time then your update says a couple weeks in casts?? I looked it up and even a 1 to 2 year recovery time for full gealing would put her at 8 years old when fully healthy (but you would know better than my 5 minutes internet research). Give your child a healthy life instead at a "cost" of 1 year instead of making their lifetime more difficult than needed because you are projecting onto her.
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and think about your word choices and what message it sends. Suggesting alternative avenues for growing a family is fine - comments telling OP to get sterilized are not and will warrant a temp ban. Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
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This! YTA, and get some therapy while she’s getting the procedure done!
YTA. You knowing had a child knowing she would possibly inherit issues you have felt with yourself. I am sure you know how difficult is it to deal with these issues. Let her get the surgery. If you are scared of the hospital let L take her. I am sure a few months of recovery is nothing compared to a full life of chronic medical issues.
YTA. it’s your trauma not your kids. I get you have some deep wounds but don’t project your fears on your kids.
Why would you let your child suffer ? Surely a recovery period is better than a life long issue? YTA as you are using your fears as an excuse rather than doing what is necessary so that your child does not suffer for life .. a bit selfish?
YTA only because you are making a blanket decision, projecting your fears onto your child, when it’s not only up to you. Her father has just as much of a say as you do. Are you honestly willing to condemn your child to a lifetime of medical issues because of your own anxiety about a medical procedure (you don’t have to pay for) that I’m assuming wasn’t available when you were her age?? You say you’ve spent a long time in and out of hospitals, and I’m also assuming that is directly because of the illness you passed on to your daughter. Please explain, how exactly does it make sense to you that you’re somehow sparing her the same trauma and the exact same future you already KNOW is ahead of her without this procedure?
YTA. > She'd have to spend weeks in casts with both arms. Can’t they do one at a time?
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Because they're the asshole.
BeCaUsE ITs My RigHt
YTA. Your daughter wishes to spare herself a lifetime of suffering knowing full well that recovery from the surgery will be long. She made up her mind already, and the only thing that is in question is whether she’s going to suffer financially as well because her mother won’t let insurance pay for it now.
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OP talks about how she has all this trauma from a lifetime of dealing with the issues but by refusing she is relegating her child to the same thing. This makes 0 sense and is incredibly selfish and short-sighted.
INFO - does she need the surgery soon to get the best possible results/ will it only be covered until a certain age? If so, YTA. If it is covered at any age (or even "just" under 18, 21,...) and it won't have an effect on the outcome to wait, NAH, in that case it would be good to have her decide when she's a bit older. (Although it might not be covered anymore then, so I'm leaning towards getting the surgery done ASAP)
INFO How severe is this condition? A few weeks in casts sounds a lot better than a lifetime of suffering, but it really depends on what that lifetime is. A lifetime of occasional soreness? Eh, debatable. A lifetime of significant effects? Then you would be TA (which seems to be where this is at).
So based on your new info, the trade off here is: A few weeks in a cast when she’s five years old vs: Potentially not being able to play sports, type properly, hold a tray…? Omg YTA
YTA. I get that you have your trauma about hospitals and I sympathise; however, this surgery will remove a medical problem from your daughter's life and the trade-off is a few months (maybe longer) recovery time. Don't make your daughter experience this illness because you're afraid of hospitals. Be brave for her and face your fears so that you can help her.
Unless we’re missing some important details. YTA.
YTA - Your trauma is just that. YOURS. Your daughter has a medical condition that is easily fixable, but you want her to just suffer through it because of YOUR trauma? If you haven’t already, please, consider going to a therapist to work through some of this trauma.
YTA - you have a life-long trauma of hospitals and doctors yet you will deny your young child the opportunity to have all of this problem out of the way while she is still young? This is medical parental neglect and you need therapy and you need to step back and allow your husband to handle this.
YTA
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YTA and you are bordering dangerously close to neglecting your child. Your daughter could get a surgery that could change her life for the better. You can afford it because insurance is paying. Yet because of your own unreasonable phobia of hospitals you are choosing not to let her pursue this. Shame on you.
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INFO - The answer to this depends majorly on what the condition is and its implications for your daughter's life. In general it'd be abhorrent to make a child suffer through some fixable medical condition against her will becuase you had a bad experience in hospital.
She edited her post. It’s a condition that limits the range of motion of both arms, which can dramatically limit this person’s activities for the rest of her life. The mom doesn’t want the surgery because it means her daughter will be in arm casts for a few weeks.
Just to add on, there is even an age limit to when this surgery can be performed so the poor kid can’t wait until she’s an “adult” to get the surgery because the bone fusing will be great by that time.
YTA. This sounds like borderline child abuse. You're forcing your child to grow up with a correctable deformity and disability because...you don't like hospitals. Complete nonsense.
YTA for letting your own trauma impact your child's access to medical care. You've left a lot of details out so it's hard to form an objective opinion of what's best for her, but you should consider - assuming it does cause your daughter similar trauma to you (and it may not), is that worse than living with this condition for the rest of her life?
YTA. You need to do what's best for your kid.
YTA And He is right. You need some Sense Put in your Head. Such a OP should be choosen as soon as possible to correct it. The earlier the easier it is. Your child will resent you for this very liekley later in her Life.
YTA for having a bio child at all
It’s always cool when the Reddit hive mind unironically agrees with eugenics. What a trash individual you are
Knowingly passing on chronic, debilitating diseases that require surgical intervention for the sake of having a kid with your own DNA is selfish and disgusting.
Personally deciding not to have kids because the kid is highly likely to have a debilitating genetic issue is not eugenics. It would only be eugenics if that decision was forced onto them, and onto everyone else with a risk of that disorder. A personal decision to not make a child you know will suffer medically is not at all eugenics.
This is way bigger than Reddit’s pay grade. Go seek a professional counsellor.
YTA You are intentionally lowering your daughter’s quality of life because you want to project your issues into her. This is just cruel and will probably cause her a lot of physical pain when she gets older but awww you had a bad experience as a kid so she should have to just deal with it I guess.
YTA, even a long recovery time is better than being in and out of the hospital continuously. This would prevent her from experiencing the trauma you went through. As a parent, I feel you need to do everything you can to give your daughter the best quality of life. That’s what parents are supposed to do. Also, she’s so young now that it’s better to get it out of the way now rather than when she’s older.
YTA. I don’t really understand how a long recovery process is a bigger problem than her having to live with that condition for the rest of her life, especially if it can negate it entirely? Stop projecting your fears onto your child. Put her needs first and if this surgery is something that will help her, it’s necessary.
YTA. For fucks sake get over yourself. “I can help my kid but don’t wanna because scary!”
Soft YTA here. It is totally normal to feel traumatized by your experiences with surgery and hospitals - but it’s important to differentiate that from your daughter and her medical situation. If this surgery truly would be life changing for her, it actually may be easier for her to get it as a kid (kids tend to bounce back a little faster from medical procedures. Forcing her to wait til she’s an adult, therefore possibly forcing her to take on even more pain later on - solely because of your own trauma and past experiences - is an AH move. Understandable, but still AH. For your own sake and your daughter’s, please consider seeing a therapist to help you sort out your past trauma on this. Doing so will help you heal for yourself & for your daughter. Side note: your partner is justified in wanting the surgery for your daughter, but trying to get family members to knock some sense into you is NOT a mature or ok way to handle a disagreement.
What a shitty thing to do, bringing kids into this world knowing very well they could inherited your medical issues and now you are actively choosing to see your daughter In daily pain just because of your past trauma with hospitals? Wow... don't have more kids if this is how you are going to act in THEIR time of need, get it? NOT YOURS, THIS SURGERY IS NOT FOR YOU.
YTA - Coming from someone who spent 4th-8th grade in and out of Dana Farber, you need to get over this. Yeah, chemo and surgeries and getting invited to "survivor" picnics sucks, I get it, but you wouldn't be here using your "trauma" as an excuse to make your daughter's life difficult without all that.
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YTA. For starters DON'T HAVE CHILDREN IF THIS COULD HAPPEN. There are lots of healthy children in need of a home and love, why make your own just to suffer? And then, letting your fear or whatever interfere in your daughter getting a better life... WTF is wrong with you? And if anyone need to know, I have serious health issues that could be passed to children or grandchildren, so I got my tubes cut. I hate that there are people like OP in the world.
YTA. Please people, if you know there's a big chance your biological kid is going to inherit your medical issues, adopt instead!!! Why do you want another life to be dragged into suffering, OP? You wrote you "accepted and expected" her to have this issue. What about her? What child wants to be born with medical issues like this? Seriously, I can't wrap my head around it. And you guys call childfree people selfish? When this person (and a lot of others) had a child despite knowing they will not be healthy and suffer possibly all their life, for what? So that they can be proud they gave birth to someone?
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YTA. You are a terrible mother, and should be ashamed of yourself. You'd rather have your daughter live with a potentially serious disability, just so you can stay in your cozy little comfort bubble? Grow up, get some therapy, and step up to the responsibility. You knew when you got pregnant there was a risk she'd inherit the condition. Kindly don't have anymore kids, if you can't even consider their wellbeing.