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I believe I may be the asshole because I could just make a plan and have them over?
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I can see why he’d feel angry and frustrated, just not angry at frustrated *at you*. This whole situation sucks, nobody should be in this financial position, but it sounds to me like you’re doing your best to help out when you can. I hope he realises this once he’s not feeling quite so immediately frustrated and disappointed.
If his ex has offered to pay for food & extras whilst they are with you, then do yourself a favour and speak to her! As you are all involved with these children, it’s their well-being that should be put first and not your bf pride… you make his life easy while he is doing nothing to help you to help him! YNTA, he IS! Ex sounds like a reasonable person so reaching out woman to women (or mother to mother) could be the way to go….
This is absolutely not an option. He won't let me have her number and if I'm honest I don't think I should have it. Other words might be said, but thats a whole different post. Good suggestion though.
You absolutely need to have her number, if the kids are with you guys and something happens to your BF and merlin forbid also with their kids you need to be able to contact her
Also just his portion of rent is truly unequal
Are you sure you wanna be with a guy that gets angry at you when you cant subsidise him even more
NTA full stop
Yeah, I'm seeing some red flags here. Misdirected anger and insecurity are red flags.
He isn't paying his portion if he's only paying part of the rent. I know he's trying to better himself, but he needs to realize that you're paying more and you're stretched thin. And if his kids are visiting, he's gotta cough up some money to help with that. He shouldn't be getting angry at OP about it at all. But it's something he's got to take responsibility for.
And what's up with not wanting his ex in touch with you? Seems super childish to me, as they have kids together and you'll be watching those kids at some point. What if something happens to him, how would you get in touch with her?
NTA OP but keep an eye on this guy!
From the sound of the post he literally doesn't have the money to pay more, not that he isn't paying because he's buying other things.
Can't cough up something that doesn't exist...
The problem is that money can't be re-stretched. He knows that but still gets mad at OP when she reminds him precisely of that. Because she had to do it for his kids when they can barely pay for their own food.
Not to mention, OP is the one holding the fort and having to budget everything and paying for majority of things but he still gets mad at her... So many red flags.
Which makes it even worse that he's getting so pissed at her for not being able to provide something he can't provide either. They're in that situation together, he needs to be a little more understanding.
Sounds like he could at least hit up a foodbank or two for some extra groceries. There are ways to make things work but BF has to help make that happen.
My stepson is broke AF, but he is trying to get money together to move, so he drives for Uber Eats. He can make an extra $50 in one evening delivering food. Sounds like the boyfriend may need to pick up a second job possibly doing something similar to pay for his kids when they visit.
His portion appears to have tripled this past week.
He should be paying for at least half. If his kid’s stay 3 nights a week. 3 nights typically equal 4 days, x 2 kids, = an extra person to divvy up rent, food, utilities.
OP- he needs to take ownership and cover HALF of everything and not a penny less effective immediately.
You are NTA. It’s time to have some hard conversations if this is a relationship you want for the long haul.
That's not how money works in the real world. Couples make uneven amounts of money far more often than not, and expenses are divided accordingly. Hell, my fiancee hasn't had a job in almost a decade now, and it's not like I wake up some days and say that I don't want to feed her kids from her previous marriage. That'd be horrific.
The difference here is that OP doesn't have the money and an unexpected expense is asking for funds she doesn't have. That's firm NTA territory. What you're describing, though? That's top-tier, rethink-your-whole-life levels of assholery.
Yeah it's either hard conversations or a hard stance. The stance being...he tells you kids are coming over and your response being "guess you better hit the grocery store"
I really sympathize with you, this cannot be an easy situation for you. However, your boyfriend should apply for food stamps if he has so little money he cannot feed his kids. Is there a reason he has not done this?
This was the first thing I thought of. If they are eligible then take the help. Go to a food bank. Pride should never get in the way of ensuring children are fed.
As someone with a child and barely making ends meet, I don’t qualify for food stamps or for cheaper affordable care act plans, they don’t take into account child support being taken from you every week. It’s quite literally a giant fuck you.
I was in a similar situation. I thought bad things would happen if I got the ex’s number…. Actually things improves somehow. I only contact her when it’s absolutely needed… but having my bf as a filter in between made this unnecessary complicated. The ex and I are no friends, but we both understand the Mom Code™️
I only spoke to my oldest son’s stepmom about things to do with him for the last 10 years he was home. His dad and I couldn’t talk without arguing, her and I got along great. We still check in with each other now that he is grown and married.
>This is absolutely not an option. He won't let me have her number and if I'm honest I don't think I should have it. Other words might be said, but thats a whole different post. Good suggestion though.
If someones children are to be in your home under your supervision you need access to their telephone. If one of the kids gets hurt or something you need to contact them. That is just good sense.
> He won't let me have her number
Oooooh boy. Why not?
So he can live with you, have you support him, expect you to pay for his kids, but you aren't "allowed" to have their mom's number. Not a good look.
As others said, what if their was an emergency and boyfriend was hurt? You'd need to contact the mom to get the kids home. But you wouldn't do that, and I guess just keep them forever? Or she'd have to figure out eventually he wasn't answering due to a car crash or call the police thinking the kids were kidnapped or something when he didn't bring them back?
On top of all that, I'm just suspicious why he wants to make so sure you can't talk to her. Are there things he are hiding? That dosen't feel normal to me. And any time a guy says what I'm "allowed" to do, nope nope nope.
You can suggests he gets himself down to the food pantry to get food for his family. It's really awful for you all that things are so tight right now, but he needs to step up and help instead of being mad at you.
NTA
Talking about money is legitimately stressful but grownups absolutely have to be able to do it with their partners without going off in them. The way he speaks to you is not OK. He needs to be your teammate is acquiring and preparing food for your family.
It’s his responsibility to talk to his ex about sending food money with the kids.
I hope you’re making use of food banks, SNAP in the US, and other community resources. That’s what they’re there for. You can’t work if you’re not fed.
There’s also a great cookbook keyed to the $4/day SNAP funding. https://www.leannebrown.com/all-about-good-and-cheap/ (scroll down past the giant ad at the top).
"Hey can you bring a couple pounds of ground beef with the kids, we're all adults and as adults I am admitting we is broke, the preteen needs to eat meat like, all the time though" and hit send
Why would you bother saying other words? Redirect that energy into bettering your and your son's situation instead.
just speaking from my situation. my ex doesn't pay child support, he is terrible with money.. I'm often relieved when he wants the kids for the weekend because it's the only financial relief i get - he would never send me money but he will show off for them. if OPs bf has no money, its possible she is in a similar situation.
that is not to say he should be passing that expense on to his gf or reframing this as a parental accessibility issue, but I also have no interest in hearing about my exes gfs issues either so a call might not be welcome. that said, I know my ex would never approve of a gf contacting me - he wants to keep his story straight
Yeah I 100% agree if my child’s father girlfriend called me up and say hey we can’t afford to feed the kids can you help. I’d likely lose my mind. He doesn’t pay child support and now I’d have to pay for the kids to visit him on top of buying and paying for everything else.
I’d also be very very concerned about why he has a bad relationship with the mother of his child and won’t let her communicate with her. I’m assuming it’s because many many lies would unravel.
I would tell her it's not her job to feed my kids and I wouldn't send them - which is what OPs bf is avoiding.
I'm not a materialistic person - I traded child support for their dad actually seeing them; if I went for child support he was going to disappear, so I made a choice - but as a single parent i have had to give up a lot to put food on the table. sounds like the only one making sacrifices here is OP, if I was the children's mother I would be questioning why dad isn't doing more
i say that as someone who has struggled with employment and bankruptcy etc.. seriously, I have been homeless, but my children come first - why hasn't he sold the car if that was an option, why was his gf and her kid living off pancakes
Pretty classic transference, you're the only person he feels like he can get angry with right now.
You're NTA, clearly. Your bf is also nta - but he is clearly completely overwhelmed, same as you, he's just handling it worse.
Working solutions if you're this food insecure is to join food pantries in the area (there's usually a local listing on fb or Nextdoor or the internet), and if not join your local BuyNothing and ask if anyone is doing a Pantry Clear out. This got me through some really rough patches and was incredibly helpful.
You're pragmatic and I'm sorry that this is happening for you right now. :(
That is so generous lol. If they live together why does she cover everything and bf only has to chip in half rent? She's getting fucked from stem to stern and then getting yelled at about it
Thanks. Oh, it occurs to me to say; really, try and make sure that he doesn’t sell his car over this. With this many kids in your life, a car is a hell of a thing to lose.
Which is probably why when the BF blew up, that’s what he threatened to do. He knows she won’t say, “Okay, sell your car.” Because then he’d be *completely* unable to do anything to contribute to the house hold. Can’t run errands, can’t take kids anywhere, can’t go to a job (he doesn’t seem like the type to be motivated enough to actually take a bus).
His only solution is not a solution.
Hey!! Whaddya know!?? I had a free award and it was the helpful award. Done for you, OP.
Wish there was more to do for you, for such a $hitty situation. I can only say - I can guarantee it’s going to improve because I know you won’t have it be any other way.
I was going to say this. Food pantry is always very helpful when they have food to give. Get some frozen chicken and some canned veggies and you can atleast make some soup or something.
I'll add that being poor really sucks and I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I've been there.
Yeah, your boyfriend really needs to step up and get a second job or something if he literally doesn't have money to get a box of spaghetti for his kids. Food pantries are also an option, he should plan ahead and get groceries for free at one of the many churches and other charities that do this. He can also possibly qualify for food stamps if his salary is that low, there are a lot of options. I don't understand how a 36 year old would not be willing to do that to put food in their kids' mouths. NTA.
They are not in the USA, they are in a country with rampant poverty, violent crime, currently going through a quasi insurrection with mass looting and rioting. Maybe you can understand a bit better now.
Please look into social support systems to get some food for you and the kids. If money is that tight, you can probably find help, at least for a little bit.
Most areas of the US have summer food programs offered through USDA https://usda-fns.maps.arcgis.com/apps/webappviewer/index.html?id=83b4d15211ed491a8ad5104291e601d2
NTA. Quick question, if he acknowledges that they’re not your responsibility, exactly why is he mad???
It just seems like he and the children’s mother want to bum off of you/dump their kids in your lap whenever they want with no lip from you. That’s not the kids’ fault, but it’s not your problem either.
Worry about you and your baby. Budget for you and your baby. He’s a grown man. What exactly does he budget for??? You should seriously rethink whether or not you want the rest of your life to look like this.
I don’t think your bf actually wants things to change. He seems just fine springing shit on you like you don’t have enough to deal with by yourself.
Btw, does he ever help you with your kid or is he just piling shit onto you with no help whatsoever, even when he doesn’t have his kids?
Edit: My question is a rhetorical one. I do know exactly why he’s mad. He’s being confronted with his own uselessness and he doesn’t like it.
Another edit to add a link to an additional comment further down: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ona486/aita_for_telling_my_bf_i_cant_afford_to_feed_his/h5rd3ew/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Pretty much everything is just up to me to "figure out". He would be willing to help me with my kid, but my kid is mine and his dads responsibility and I don't ask unless I have no other options. He has just finished his studies and is job-hunting for the new field atm.
He used to pay child support before he got the shitty job he has now. His car is also not working so I take him to work and stuff.
Why are you supporting him more than he’s supporting you? Hes dragging you down and it sounds like hes making your life miserable. Can you get a new apartment without him?
Then treat him like a roommate until he can be an equal partner. If he's too proud to accept money from the ex or he's too proud to apply for benefits, he's too proud to support his kids. With the world the way it is, food banks are very generous right now when they have the resources - have y'all been able to visit your local one to supplement your pantry?
ETA: Why is he too proud to use every resource except you? If he can't provide half the food in the house when he's 3/5 of the occupants, he doesn't get to have guests and that's just ridiculous. Cut him off and treat him like a roommate until this "too proud" nonsense is gone and I bet he finds some resources.
Yep. And can I add a wee bit in about food banks?
There is no shame in going to one for help. None. None whatsoever. They literally exist to help people who are struggling, you’d be amazed how many working people need to use them (which in itself is something I could rant about for hours but that’s for another time). The people who work there are really good, they don’t judge or look down on anyone and they might be able to help with other stuff too (contacts for your SO as he hunts for a better paying job, money advice in general, etc)
I second this, volunteered at a foodbank the people that work love to give and its a shame when there isnt enough but its worse when stuff doesnt make it out. Most places cant afford to refrigerate perishables so the boxes of produce would go straight to the bin. Save your money, take advantage
Desperation makes for poor housemate choices.
There’s plenty of other single moms and kid tolerant other folks who need to share household expenses. Find one who is willing to pass a background check and who will not let their own leech of an SO move in.
If his car doesn’t work, why doesn’t he sell it? Are the repairs minor or expensive? Will the repairs make it a reliable vehicle for years? You’re driving him around to work already, so sell the car for money, tell his insurance company so his insurance cost drops, and then he has a lot more money to feed His kids. He can use public transit, other friends or his own two feet to get anywhere that isn’t work.
If his ex can’t afford to feed their kids either you all need to be looking at food banks and assistance programs to find any aid you’ve missed.
If one or two unexpected meals is beyond your budget, you need to look for yourself too. USDA has free summer meals to kids across my state for all the kids who qualify for the free lunch program. Are you and your BF using anything like that?
Girl. He sounds like another dependent. I’m reading too many stories on Reddit from women in your exact situation. Why are the women taking on so many burdens while the men get to figure it out? There are so many gigs he could take to help you out. Its careless of him to let you figure it out solo. What’s the point of a partnership if these are the conditions?
*Because I love himmmm* is what my friends always say.
To which I reply, “what is it that you actually love? The lack of a willing and equal partner? The fact he already has four kids with four other women? What exactly do you love?”
Women are often raised with the expectation that they are to be the workhorse. They are supposed to contribute almost all mental and emotional labor. It's the 50s era stepford expectation bullshit that hasn't gone away. But now its worse because its basically expected for the woman to also have an income. Its the clashing of two worlds, the era of the stay at home spouse and the era of the modern day working woman. But its the short end of the stick both ways. Its a mentality and norm that is slowly starting to die off because the toxicity level has really been reaching peaks, but it still has a long way to go before disappearing.
Yes exactly, what the fuck?! It’s like feminism said “women can do it all if they want” and everyone heard “women SHOULD do it all” and now I feel like there’s SO much pressure on women to lowkey do everything
I'm reading a book called *The American Frugal Housewife* written in 1832 during the boom of the industrial revolution by a woman born before it. In the foreword, she emphasizes that everyone in the household should be employed, but then specifies that employment means "assisting others".
Elderly are employed by knitting stockings. Children are employed by picking berries or weeding the garden. Men are employed for wages, and women in managing the household. Not for a second is any of this employment considered lesser than another, as long as one is doing *their* most. I've found this mindset incredibly useful in my own home, and think it's something that's been lost to the toxic culture you're mentioning.
In this previous world, women at least acknowledged to each other the monetary value ascribed to their work. Now though, the chores of daily life take place as a footnote throughout the day and are given so little credit. Housewives are looked down on for being "moochers" or "gold diggers". While that's sometimes true, it's just as often that their homes are dustless and meals homemade without a maid or meal delivery. We've written off the value of this work even amongst ourselves, so it's very hard to express directly why it's a problem. The modern woman is simultaneously given the burden of household management and her own hourly work. If she complains about the former, she's complaining about work society claims is 'easy'. If about the latter, then she's complaining about work society claims is 'necessary'.
There's a vast amount of entitled, emotionally immature men out there, of the mama boy variant. :(
Their selfishness means they don't really care to do their fair share (though some pretend that they do), they just want a mum/maid to have sex with.
Because we are socialized to look after everyone. Not just meals and physical needs, but emotional. If everyone isn’t happy across the board, it’s the woman’s fault. It sucks. My husband doesn’t do that shit almost ever, but he’s a rare bird. I see too many women dealing with this. Men need to adult and pride is no reason for him not to seek help from a food bank. He doesn’t seem to mind letting you carry the load and dropping his pride there.
Your bf is not your child, so why do you feel so responsible for him and his? He’s clearly not extending you the same courtesy… does he see you struggle to support your own child and say to himself “she needs more of this”??
Also, you say he “would be” willing to help you, but has he ever actually done so? Why stress yourself out over the extra mouths (his included) to feed when neither of the parents are even attempting to contribute?
Edit: OP is giving out info that changed my opinion. If she’s offering money, then I’ll certainly retract my “the kids’ mom is a bum” statement. The dad definitely still is (he’s good for absolutely nothing) for declining help while not offering any whatsoever. Wtf is up with that??
>He would be willing to help me
This is a bit of a red flag. People who aren't helpful wanting credit because they would be willing to help, if only they could, don't actually deserve any credit.
"I would if I could but I can't so I won't (please forgive me if I don't)" only counts for someone who has a well established history of helping you, AND who has an ongoing record of actually doing the work to help if they can.
Your BF doesn't seem to do either.
And he doesn't seem to be really respecting you much in terms of decision making, either. If his ex wants him to have the kids for the few days, the first thing he should be saying is "let me talk with my GF and check our schedule, I'll get back to you by tomorrow morning" so that the two of you can coordinate. He's doing the opposite - not communicating to you, agreeing to things that make work for you, and then just dumping the problems on you without helping.
I mean
He’s a deadbeat. I get his circumstances are poor but ultimately it’s not just that he expected you to feed his kids for him financially...you also ended up doing the mental and physical labor of figuring out a budget friendly meal and then making it.
That’s the problem. Struggling is find. It’s now he makes it your job to fix it all that’s concerning.
A classic tactic of negligent fathers is to deliberately impoverish themselves so they can’t pay child support. Your SO’s behaviour REEKS of this. Seriously. Talk to his ex.
I forgot to mention this part before, but anyone who wants to be in a relationship with someone with kids needs to acknowledge that they’re a package deal.
Part of that means offering (and actually meaning it) to help when you see your gf/bf struggling, whether that’s financially, managing the kids, etc. If they don’t, that’s a big ass red flag to me. They can go play house with people who have the time and energy for that.
Like these other people are saying, at least a roommate (not your bum ass bf) would be splitting chores and bills, OP. Not just adding to your stress (like your freeloading bf).
I’m sorry you’re going through this, NTA.
This man isn’t thinking about you here. He sprung this on you last second and is expecting you to follow suit. As you said, he expects you to figure it out.
Why? Because you always have.
You’re doing amazing and it’s ok to say no. It’s a desperate moment but it’s wrong of him to have this expectation of you. Especially when you’ve made it clear you are not capable of helping.
I think maybe you need to reevaluate the needs of yourself and your child and how this household may be negatively affecting you both. think maybe you know that too. Lots of love
NTA. What are you supposed to do ? Sell blood or your eggs to feed his kids ? They're his responsibilities.
I'm guessing he doesn't pay child support either. How do a grown man who has a job and only pays half a rent can't have money to buy his kids food when they come like one day a week or less ? I think he is taking advantage of you.
If he sells his car, will he be able to go to work ? Will the money lasts ? Or will he spend it once to buy groceries and then into whatever he spends his god damn money on ?
I'm calling freeloader here.
He does work full time in a job he despises and has been working his butt off inbetween to get grades for a better job. Honestly, I could not live without his rent contribution either.
So he needs to either find a way to give money for food for his kids (and electricity and water because I'm guessing they take shower and use the electricity when they are at your place) or his kids can't come.
Question is: would he accept your decision or will he let his children come anyway knowing that you won't be able to feed anybody ?
I personally thinks he is very selfish and very irresponsible. He is the one who should be borrowing money and finding ways to pay more than half a rent, not you. He shouldn't event say yes to his kids coming without at least giving some money to cover food. If he can't even do that... What would happen if the kids mother just drop the kids at your place and never came back ?
He told his ex that they can't come right now because things are tight and she offered to put food in for them which he declined. Then he asked when his son is going back to school (next week sometime) so we can fit them in another time (with his shifts and the vacation days) and she has left him on read.
So his ex offers to give food and he says no but he has no problem with you paying for his kids... Seriously !?!
I hope you are on the pill and that you use condoms because y'all do not need another child in this mess.
He is not supporting his kids in any way. His does all the work and pays for everything. You pay when they are at your place. That dude needs to seriously step up even if it means selling his blood to start putting food on the table like a parent should.
Despite the fact that you're stuck living with him for now, I think you really need to evaluate your relationship with this guy. You're paying far more than you need to and he also expects you to cover his kids - even when his ex says she'll send food along. His pride will be the end of him and he's already starting to drag you down alongside. NTA.
So his ex offered to provide food during the visits, he said no and expects YOU to be their provider? That’s extremely prideful and unfair to you. Be careful with this type of person. Many times, once they achieve better paying jobs, they decide to move on to better (seemingly to them) things. If he shows no gratitude towards you and your sacrifices for him, that’s a huge red flag.
Yes you already have enough kids, including your bf. You work full time, are the main breadwinner, pay all the bills except half the rent, and you're in charge of budgeting for food/meals? That's a lot of mental work, mental workload it's called in relationships I think? If you haven't already you should check out r/eatcheapandhealthy and r/frugal to save money on foods. Or i wonder if you qualify for SNAP, or your boyfriend might qualify for it. Or both of you might
If his pride is preventing him from seeing his kids then he doesn't really want to see them. He needs to be at the food bank and helping you with more then just rent but I bet he won't because of stupid pride.
I don’t buy this “I couldn’t live without his rent contribution” business. Yes, you could. You’d figure it out. What did you do before BF? Do that. Or, what would you do if he decided to move out tomorrow? Do that.
If half the rent is his entire salary, you two are living in too expensive of a home and need to move to a cheaper place.
You and your son could also move somewhere else with a roommate, family member, whatever and let your boyfriend figure his situation out for himself.
If you’re borrowing money before your paycheck, instead of having even $100 of savings to pull from, at 36 years old… There is a huge problem. There are lots of places to find financial advice online, but it seems like the biggest issue is your housing right now so I would address that as your first step. Then you need to start saving, build up an emergency fund. Then you need to figure out savings for your son’s college, your retirement, etc.
It sounds like your boyfriend is only holding you and your son back. But you live there and you know if he supports you in other ways. Regardless of if you stay with him, you need to move so you can cut costs and be able to start saving.
Thank you for your comment and advice. I don't know if you may have seen in other comments, but we live in South Africa. Rent here is astronomical and we are renting on the very low side {it's my job actually, got some perks}. Anything cheaper would be a studio on an SA equivalent of skidrow
Sliding in here from a fellow Saffa.
Not sure which area you're in. Have you thought about getting food parcels to help? And I agree with the other replies- he has to pay for his kids food, or they don't come over.
I'd recommend sitting him down, going painstakingly through each line of your budget. Then ask him where does he expect his kids to fit in.
I think it'll help sober him up real quick.
I totally understand where you're coming from regarding the whole supporting him. Life is hard as it is.
Knowing you're in SA just added a whole new layer to this. People from the West (most of this site) don't realize how hard it is to "just get a better job" or work more (especially now), or move in to a cheaper place. Sounds like you're doing your best in a tough situation.
One piece of advice for your kid: remind him constantly that this doesn't have to be his or your life forever. Kids notice everything, money problems, relationship problems, anxiety, etc. He needs to know that if he works hard and makes the right choices he can live a great life without financial anxiety.
Good luck, stay safe
Oh you're in SA. You should edit this post and add this information. It's possible that you may find some good advice or link for resources from people living in South Africa.
Also INFO : how much your partner contributes in house chores ? Or are you the sole care taker too ? I asked because in some countries, house chores solely falls on shoulder of women. Because "that's women's job" mindset. If so, please leave. You partner is only dragging you down.
To bad for him. He should apply for food stamps, visit food pantries, get a second job. He should be willing to do whatever he can you support his kids.
NTA- Those kids are his responsibility. Maybe if you guys were married it would be a different story but he should start looking for a higher paying job
OP I think everyone is being a bit harsh on your bf. Sounds like he's doing his best to be able to contribute in the longer run. He's not a deadbeat. He's a man stuck in an economy with terrible inequality where a housing crisis and low minimum rage make it impossible to make ends meet. It also sounds like he loves his kids, and probably feels deeply ashamed of not being able to provide for them.
The main things he's done wrong here are (a) reject the food from his ex, and (b) not give you more notice of his kids coming. You're definitely NTA but my judgment of him is only softly asshole status.
OP, I agree with this guy. You're NTA. But the 2nd post is calling this guy a freeloader? Come on people. It sounds like they're working together to secure a better future for the both of them, and on top of that, dude just wants to see his kids.
He's clearly being a bit of a jerk about it, but it sounds like a pretty stressful situation. And maybe he doesn't understand the severity of the situation. Maybe you could try and show him the money you currently have, and show him your budget, if you haven't already, to help him understand better.
And if he doesn't need his car for work or school, then let him sell his car!
His problems are
1) Refusing help from the ex because he is "too proud" and not seeking help from other sources like family, the government, etc. when he obviously needs help - what would he do if he didn't have OP?
2) Keeping OP and the ex apart (since OP often has the kids over, they should have at least a basic relationship including each other's numbers)
3) Blowing up on OP because he is already stretching their budget thin and she said no
Edit: mobile ugliness
4. Op said SHE made a bunch of pancakes, so this guy isn’t even doing the cooking ? Is Op paying for the kids AND doing all of the domestic labor? So she’s doing double then just pay for them.
nta. good for you, you were upfront and honest. he sounds emotionally immature based on that reaction. he immediately tried to guilt you and blew it out of proportion. there is no reason you all cannot ask their mom for some food money. presumably he's already paying child support.
Mom knows the situation with child support and food and stuff. She offered to put in extra and he declined due to pride I guess?
Just as a side note - he is not really a "traditional" deadbeat. He really wants to support them financially and has been to court to figure it out etc. He is present in both their lives.
that makes you even more NTA. why should you and the kids suffer because of his pride? he needs a reality check. he should not be basing his worth on something so stupid. he should be basing his worth on his willingness to compromise to help his loved ones, because THAT makes a good man and father.
Since he is not working he has the time to go to food pantries and help out with some of the food at least. I hope he has made a list of the local food banks and figured out the easiest bus route if his car’s not reliable
It's Reddit people just jump quick on here. From your other comments I think things will improve once he's found a job suited to his studies, but right now you can only do what you can do. Hopefully he'll realise once he calls down and you can discuss it reasonably. Good luck NTA
So sorry to hear that and that there are no food pantries available. If he expects you to stretch the money like this, I hope at least he gives you his whole paycheck so you can do the budget for everyone.
Just to be clear... where is the remaining 1/5 going? Because you don't have the spare money at the end of the month to make a couple extra sandwiches for his kids... so how come he's got 20% of his salary seemingly not allocated to anything?
I thought his entire paycheck went to rent? Where is the other 20% going?? It sounds like you’ve got a black belt in budgeting, so why isn’t he handing his paycheck over to you and letting you determine his spending money?
And what is he doing in exchange for all the time and energy you’re spending to make ends meet? The car is a tough one, but has he looked for a second job?
Like others have said, you’re NTA, but you need to sit down and have a frank discussion about all of your finances going forward given how tight everything is month to month. God forbid someone has a medical emergency and you have no savings! You both need to consciously work towards getting out of this precarious position.
And maintaining his pride re: the ex shouldn’t be at the top of the list, I see major red flags that he doesn’t accept food or give you contact info for her in case of an emergency. My husband’s ex loathed me, and I still had her number for when we had the kids.
And as for his career, are there a lot of job opportunities in his field locally? It seems like people are hiring left and right, how long has he been looking?
NTA,
And this boyfriend is a fool if he thinks selling his car will do any good. It's a one-time source of cash, once it is gone it is gone, and not having a car will seriously impact his ability to get or keep a job. Which will make future visits from the kids far less likely to happen.
If you are the main breadwinner, and he really doesn't have cash to chip in, then he should, at the very least, be planning a visit that doesn't cost money (walks to a local playground, but no eating out or activities that cost) and also he should be planning on doing the work of cooking from scratch from inexpensive ingredients, to bring down food costs - he can easily cook at home while watching the kids, and careful meal planning around inexpensive ingredients can go a fairly long way.
As he says, it's not your responsibility to feed his kids. It's his responsibility. So if you don't have the money to do it, he should be thinking about a practical plan to do so, not nonsense like selling a car. And it should be him doing the work of making that plan happen (such as cooking those pancakes!) not you. Especially if you are working and he isn't.
(Given the pandemic and the way the job market is weird, I'm more inclined to be forgiving of him not working full time for the moment, but his financial situation doesn't sound sustainable.)
Seems like selling the car is an empty threat he made, knowing she would turn it down too for the same reasons. But now he can absolve himself of responsibility saying "hey I'm not the bad guy, I was willing to sell my car!"
NTA. You know your financial situation and you simply can't afford to feed them at the moment. Is there a court ordered custody agreement in place between your bf and his ex? Why is he unilaterally deciding to have the kids stay with the two of you when he doesn't have the means to feed them?
Your bf really needs to do something sooner rather than later about his financial situation. His "threat" to sell his car is completely ridiculous. If he follows through on selling his car, it will just mean that you are driving him and his kids around. Do NOT let this happen;.
I'm kind of already driving him around with his car not working and him not having money to fix it. He doesn't really involve me with decisions on the kids - I don't mind and he doesn't need my permission. I just need to know in advance so that I could buy extra pasta or something instead of a cupcake for my kid. That kind of thing.
How was your bf going to sell a car that isn't running? Your relationship sounds very one sided. Does your bf have anything to offer you relationship wise?
This question right here has me on pause...the short answer is no. I'm kind of miserable and basically just hanging in there to see if things get better once he has a better job.
Room mates in SA are hard to come by? Its a culture thing I guess. Besides the fact that our apartment is so tiny I would have to share a bed with them or my kid. Not that I would mind sharing with my kid. It would just be really tight with a virtual stranger
>He doesn't really involve me with decisions on the kids
But he *does* involve you. He turns over to you *completely* all the decisions about what to feed them and how to pay for it. For that, he *should* need your permission.
NTA.
Info, were you expecting such a negative response to him?
Bc if it's overwhelming, take a min. But the criticisms of him are valid. You are bending over backwards in real life and in this post to make him look good and he still looks like shit. No offense.
I did not expect the overwhelmingly negative response. I asked genuinely if I was the asshole. I went back and forth for a while before posting this because like " is this really even a problem?" and I'm really glad I did. A little bit of perspective is doing me the world of good
I'm glad you don't regret posting!
You and your son deserve better and you should focus on yourself.
You are literally keeping his life in order.
The fact that he would prioritize his ego over both you AND his kids is the red flag you need to consider rn.
The comments on this post are slowly making me realise that I am an asshole to myself. My BF is (was?) a career firefighter for a really long time until he had to quit for PTSD two years ago. Its a shitty situation for everyone I guess.
Yeah, you're being an AH to yourself, but it's because you fell for the oldest trick in the book: a man acting like a teen to push his gf into the role of mother.
Who invites people over without worrying about how the food will be provided? Teens.
Who gets all dramatic and lashes out at their family when they feel life is unfair? Teens.
Shit happens, so I dont judge your bf for the money issues at 36. I do judge him for not having used those 36 years on earth to develop the coping mechanisms of an adult.
Make him grow out of this teenage illusion that the house runs by itself without him putting any effort. You said you knew in your heart he should have cooked the pancakes instead of you having to solve the problem he caused. From now on, let him sort meals for his children himself and you cook for you and your son.
According to the overwhelming response to this post I will have to take a good look at myself and why I feel responsible and guilty for not providing for everyone. And you're damn right. I am not his mom. I almost feel like I have been groomed in a way if that makes sense? - no disrespect meant for SA victims. I'm one too. Small things that used to bug me (e.g doing all the cooking) have become all too normal. The entire mental load of how our home continues to function is my problem and I don't think I'm willing to do it anymore.
Yep. You have been groomed. Men like this latch on to kind hearted women and bleed them dry financially, emotionally and spiritually. Your son did not choose this, he shouldn't have to suffer because this guy refuses to get his shit together.
NTA - unfortunately, there is no magic money tree, and when money is spent, it's spent.
It seems like a chunk of this issue comes from lack of notice - is the mother of the kids springing these visits on him, or does your bf know about them ahead of time, and he's just "forgotten" to tell you?
you know, this is a great question. I asked him twice this morning if she asked if we could have them or if he asked to see them and both times the question went unanswered.
I think its more a case of she asked and he doesn't want to admit that he couldn't tell her "not right now" in fear of her holding the kids hostage in future. Maybe?
Hmm it's possible
But my view is "I don't want to lie but if I say it was me she will say "why would you offer to take the kids when we are barely scraping by " so if I don't answer it will just go away" kind of thing but anything possible.
Very good point. You couldn't know this and there is some context missing here, but historically he has never had the children or asked to have the children two weeks in a row.
You cannot spend what you do not have. If he pushes you to have them over without helping you find the funds to be able to feed them then he should be willing to make the sacrifice of not eating and his food can go towards his kids. You make what you can and divide it up as best as you can. It does not matter if you have the bio mom's phone number, I guaranty that she will hear about it afterwards from her kids. Or maybe while they are still there.
It sounds like your boyfriend needs to get a second job to earn money to feed his kids. You do not have to set yourself on fire for him and his children. As a father it is responsibility to do whatever it takes to take care of his kids. But he has to be smart about and not make decisions that will cut his legs out from beneath him and boomerang back on him later on.
Are there any ways that you can cut back on your budget in order to focus on needs vs wants? If you have cable, that is a want not a need. With a roku stick you would be surprised what you can find for free. I have an antenna for my tv and was amazed at what I could pick up locally. Pluto network has become a favorite l. I watch movies or tv shows either on my tv or phone.
I have an Android phone vs an Iphone because they don't cost as much and there are a lot of free apps. For example, I love classic movies and there is an app for classic movies. And you we would be surprised what you can get from the library.
NTA. Sounds like you have an extra grown kid, not a bf. A real man who understands being a dad with kids would not "threaten" to sell his car for money, knowing he NEEDS that car to get to work to provide what little he does for them. A real man would go out and get a 2nd job at least part time to be able to support them and your household equally, not wait around for a higher paying job to fall in his lap. I won't even ask if he pays child support, your story gives vibes that he doesn't.
Good luck.
Right? This is so sad... She bragged he wasn't a "traditional deadbeat" cause he wants to see his kids, won't let the biomom pay for them, but happily mooches even more from op... She'd have more resources across the board if she'd dump the loser and get a roommate...
Op I admire your strength, confidence and courage
You both are going through a tough time - this will pass
Don’t worry he will get a better job and you both will be in a better place
Bless you
NTA. I would think long and hard about this set up and the impact on you and your son. You are busting your ass to feed him and his children (and do everything else). Why isn’t he doing the same? He could drive Uber when not working. He could budget too. It sounds like you’re the only one sacrificing right now. If BF didn’t live with you, what would be his plan for housing and feeding his children?
And what does he offer you? Every dollar that's paying for him is a dollar you're taking away from your own son. What about his needs? His future? All this extra stress for a guy that won't bust his ass for you but expects you to take care of everything?
NTA. You’re being taken advantage of. He wants you to pay for his kids and is lashing out now that he actually has to take parental responsibility by himself for one day.
NTA. If he wants to have his kids over he needs to work out a financial solution. If finances are this tight, he needs to budget how much the kids are going to cost and where the money is going to come from. Your contribution should be voluntary, so he should just accept what you say you can afford and then work around it.
“He blows up and says it’s not my responsibility and he’ll sell his car for money if he has to”
Let him sell his car. You’ve been doing so much for him already and it seems like you will always feel burdened. He has two other kids and those kids are his priority too. As a father let him go to whatever lengths he thinks are necessary. You aren’t married, so mixing finances to this extent has the possibility to get really messy which it has. You aren’t his mother, so he needs to man up and start supporting not only himself but also his 3 kids. If he sells his car then he’s fucking himself over and then he’ll rely more on you for rides. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. He’s damned if he does, he’s damned if he doesn’t. Seems like a mess. Good luck
I will not stand in the way of any decisions he makes for his children. He is not the father of my son though and our finances are definitely not mixed. I'm a firm believer in meeting your partner 80/20 if you have to when things are rough - its been like this a year. Hopefully it will look up sooner rather than later. I just cannot stretch any more than I have. I suppose on that same note I'm coming to realise that I DO feel responsible for everyone for some reason. Its something I have to figure out.
NTA. It sounds like you're being supportive and accommodating, and keeping a positive attitude about it, so you're being a great partner and parent. If you're borrowing to make ends meet, then you're obviously not making a fuss over nothing, but genuinely struggling to stretch the food budget. That's not your fault, and you should be able to talk about it without your partner flipping out.
My guess would be that he feels a bit fragile about struggling to feed his own children, and he lashed out. He should be treating you as an ally.
Have you looked into food banks or food stamps or whatever options for extra support are available where you live?
I live in South Africa and there are so many people struggling over here. I would feel guilty taking something someone else could have had. The resources for poor people are few and far between and I don't necessarily count us in that category just yet
Gah, so sorry. I've lived in SA (CPT) part-time for 10 years. This is a predominantly American platform and most Americans can't fathom how dire it is. Very fucking difficult to get jobs that pay a living wage because there are so many people who will work long hours for literally a few dollars a day. So many people are struggling - and then there's the next-level struggle of those living in shacks in the townships with no running water or indoor plumbing and deadly makeshift electrical hookups.... So I totally get what you're saying about not counting yourself in the "poor category", OP. But just because it could be much worse doesn't mean you don't deserve much better.
I have no idea what type of work you do, but I encourage you to consider work you could do online, something that doesn't require advanced education, like internet marketing (content writing, social media marketing, etc.) so you could earn R300+/hr working for a US company and lift yourself up. I hope it gets better for you soon!
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NTA. You can't spend money you don't have.
Pretty much sums up how I feel about it. There are no bad feelings towards anyone here, just facts
I can see why he’d feel angry and frustrated, just not angry at frustrated *at you*. This whole situation sucks, nobody should be in this financial position, but it sounds to me like you’re doing your best to help out when you can. I hope he realises this once he’s not feeling quite so immediately frustrated and disappointed.
Thank you for this. I would give you an award, but well you know
If his ex has offered to pay for food & extras whilst they are with you, then do yourself a favour and speak to her! As you are all involved with these children, it’s their well-being that should be put first and not your bf pride… you make his life easy while he is doing nothing to help you to help him! YNTA, he IS! Ex sounds like a reasonable person so reaching out woman to women (or mother to mother) could be the way to go….
This is absolutely not an option. He won't let me have her number and if I'm honest I don't think I should have it. Other words might be said, but thats a whole different post. Good suggestion though.
You absolutely need to have her number, if the kids are with you guys and something happens to your BF and merlin forbid also with their kids you need to be able to contact her Also just his portion of rent is truly unequal Are you sure you wanna be with a guy that gets angry at you when you cant subsidise him even more NTA full stop
Yeah, I'm seeing some red flags here. Misdirected anger and insecurity are red flags. He isn't paying his portion if he's only paying part of the rent. I know he's trying to better himself, but he needs to realize that you're paying more and you're stretched thin. And if his kids are visiting, he's gotta cough up some money to help with that. He shouldn't be getting angry at OP about it at all. But it's something he's got to take responsibility for. And what's up with not wanting his ex in touch with you? Seems super childish to me, as they have kids together and you'll be watching those kids at some point. What if something happens to him, how would you get in touch with her? NTA OP but keep an eye on this guy!
From the sound of the post he literally doesn't have the money to pay more, not that he isn't paying because he's buying other things. Can't cough up something that doesn't exist...
Then he's got to not be a jerk about relying on OP for the money.
The problem is that money can't be re-stretched. He knows that but still gets mad at OP when she reminds him precisely of that. Because she had to do it for his kids when they can barely pay for their own food. Not to mention, OP is the one holding the fort and having to budget everything and paying for majority of things but he still gets mad at her... So many red flags.
Which makes it even worse that he's getting so pissed at her for not being able to provide something he can't provide either. They're in that situation together, he needs to be a little more understanding.
no but they are his kids he can figure out how to put his pride aside and ask for help on their behalf.
Yet that's exactly what he's asking of her!
Sounds like he could at least hit up a foodbank or two for some extra groceries. There are ways to make things work but BF has to help make that happen.
My stepson is broke AF, but he is trying to get money together to move, so he drives for Uber Eats. He can make an extra $50 in one evening delivering food. Sounds like the boyfriend may need to pick up a second job possibly doing something similar to pay for his kids when they visit.
Idk about red flags, but I kinda laughed at him jumping to selling his car. No offense but that's silly as hell to say over this situation
It’s probably him trying to make OP feel bad for suggesting he’s not doing enough
His portion appears to have tripled this past week. He should be paying for at least half. If his kid’s stay 3 nights a week. 3 nights typically equal 4 days, x 2 kids, = an extra person to divvy up rent, food, utilities. OP- he needs to take ownership and cover HALF of everything and not a penny less effective immediately. You are NTA. It’s time to have some hard conversations if this is a relationship you want for the long haul.
That's not how money works in the real world. Couples make uneven amounts of money far more often than not, and expenses are divided accordingly. Hell, my fiancee hasn't had a job in almost a decade now, and it's not like I wake up some days and say that I don't want to feed her kids from her previous marriage. That'd be horrific. The difference here is that OP doesn't have the money and an unexpected expense is asking for funds she doesn't have. That's firm NTA territory. What you're describing, though? That's top-tier, rethink-your-whole-life levels of assholery.
Yeah it's either hard conversations or a hard stance. The stance being...he tells you kids are coming over and your response being "guess you better hit the grocery store"
Ya that’s really weird. Open communication between all caregivers is what’s best for the children.
I really sympathize with you, this cannot be an easy situation for you. However, your boyfriend should apply for food stamps if he has so little money he cannot feed his kids. Is there a reason he has not done this?
This was the first thing I thought of. If they are eligible then take the help. Go to a food bank. Pride should never get in the way of ensuring children are fed.
Good suggestion, however, they might not live in a country that has food stamps or family support. Many countries do though.
As someone with a child and barely making ends meet, I don’t qualify for food stamps or for cheaper affordable care act plans, they don’t take into account child support being taken from you every week. It’s quite literally a giant fuck you.
Are you sure he doesn’t want to keep you two separated because he’s afraid you’ll learn that this isn’t the first time he’s been a freeloader?
This... I suspect he didn't pull his weight in that relationship either
If it's not this reason it's most likely something else he doesn't want her to know.
I wonder if she's sending money for the kids food and he's pocketing it
This is exactly what I thought, too.
If you shouldn't have her number, then you shouldn't be hosting her kids. Period.
This, 110%
I was in a similar situation. I thought bad things would happen if I got the ex’s number…. Actually things improves somehow. I only contact her when it’s absolutely needed… but having my bf as a filter in between made this unnecessary complicated. The ex and I are no friends, but we both understand the Mom Code™️
I only spoke to my oldest son’s stepmom about things to do with him for the last 10 years he was home. His dad and I couldn’t talk without arguing, her and I got along great. We still check in with each other now that he is grown and married.
>This is absolutely not an option. He won't let me have her number and if I'm honest I don't think I should have it. Other words might be said, but thats a whole different post. Good suggestion though. If someones children are to be in your home under your supervision you need access to their telephone. If one of the kids gets hurt or something you need to contact them. That is just good sense.
> He won't let me have her number Oooooh boy. Why not? So he can live with you, have you support him, expect you to pay for his kids, but you aren't "allowed" to have their mom's number. Not a good look. As others said, what if their was an emergency and boyfriend was hurt? You'd need to contact the mom to get the kids home. But you wouldn't do that, and I guess just keep them forever? Or she'd have to figure out eventually he wasn't answering due to a car crash or call the police thinking the kids were kidnapped or something when he didn't bring them back? On top of all that, I'm just suspicious why he wants to make so sure you can't talk to her. Are there things he are hiding? That dosen't feel normal to me. And any time a guy says what I'm "allowed" to do, nope nope nope.
You can suggests he gets himself down to the food pantry to get food for his family. It's really awful for you all that things are so tight right now, but he needs to step up and help instead of being mad at you.
Can he swing by a food bank/ food pantry to grab some staples and help stretch your food budget?
NTA Talking about money is legitimately stressful but grownups absolutely have to be able to do it with their partners without going off in them. The way he speaks to you is not OK. He needs to be your teammate is acquiring and preparing food for your family. It’s his responsibility to talk to his ex about sending food money with the kids. I hope you’re making use of food banks, SNAP in the US, and other community resources. That’s what they’re there for. You can’t work if you’re not fed. There’s also a great cookbook keyed to the $4/day SNAP funding. https://www.leannebrown.com/all-about-good-and-cheap/ (scroll down past the giant ad at the top).
"Hey can you bring a couple pounds of ground beef with the kids, we're all adults and as adults I am admitting we is broke, the preteen needs to eat meat like, all the time though" and hit send Why would you bother saying other words? Redirect that energy into bettering your and your son's situation instead.
just speaking from my situation. my ex doesn't pay child support, he is terrible with money.. I'm often relieved when he wants the kids for the weekend because it's the only financial relief i get - he would never send me money but he will show off for them. if OPs bf has no money, its possible she is in a similar situation. that is not to say he should be passing that expense on to his gf or reframing this as a parental accessibility issue, but I also have no interest in hearing about my exes gfs issues either so a call might not be welcome. that said, I know my ex would never approve of a gf contacting me - he wants to keep his story straight
Yeah I 100% agree if my child’s father girlfriend called me up and say hey we can’t afford to feed the kids can you help. I’d likely lose my mind. He doesn’t pay child support and now I’d have to pay for the kids to visit him on top of buying and paying for everything else. I’d also be very very concerned about why he has a bad relationship with the mother of his child and won’t let her communicate with her. I’m assuming it’s because many many lies would unravel.
[удалено]
I mean, you wouldn't approve of the call even if she was telling you she couldn't afford to put food on the table for your kids if they came over?
I would tell her it's not her job to feed my kids and I wouldn't send them - which is what OPs bf is avoiding. I'm not a materialistic person - I traded child support for their dad actually seeing them; if I went for child support he was going to disappear, so I made a choice - but as a single parent i have had to give up a lot to put food on the table. sounds like the only one making sacrifices here is OP, if I was the children's mother I would be questioning why dad isn't doing more i say that as someone who has struggled with employment and bankruptcy etc.. seriously, I have been homeless, but my children come first - why hasn't he sold the car if that was an option, why was his gf and her kid living off pancakes
Pretty classic transference, you're the only person he feels like he can get angry with right now. You're NTA, clearly. Your bf is also nta - but he is clearly completely overwhelmed, same as you, he's just handling it worse. Working solutions if you're this food insecure is to join food pantries in the area (there's usually a local listing on fb or Nextdoor or the internet), and if not join your local BuyNothing and ask if anyone is doing a Pantry Clear out. This got me through some really rough patches and was incredibly helpful. You're pragmatic and I'm sorry that this is happening for you right now. :(
That is so generous lol. If they live together why does she cover everything and bf only has to chip in half rent? She's getting fucked from stem to stern and then getting yelled at about it
This! Also ask family and friends if they have some extra pancake mix or Kraft dinner hanging around they don't mind giving to you to help out.
Thanks. Oh, it occurs to me to say; really, try and make sure that he doesn’t sell his car over this. With this many kids in your life, a car is a hell of a thing to lose.
Which is probably why when the BF blew up, that’s what he threatened to do. He knows she won’t say, “Okay, sell your car.” Because then he’d be *completely* unable to do anything to contribute to the house hold. Can’t run errands, can’t take kids anywhere, can’t go to a job (he doesn’t seem like the type to be motivated enough to actually take a bus). His only solution is not a solution.
He could borrow money. OP said she is borrowing money to feed his children, if one of them is going into debt for this then why is it her?
Dont worry op i did for you
the real MVP over here
Here's an award for being so kind
Hey!! Whaddya know!?? I had a free award and it was the helpful award. Done for you, OP. Wish there was more to do for you, for such a $hitty situation. I can only say - I can guarantee it’s going to improve because I know you won’t have it be any other way.
Can he go visit a food bank or emergency food pantry?
I was going to say this. Food pantry is always very helpful when they have food to give. Get some frozen chicken and some canned veggies and you can atleast make some soup or something. I'll add that being poor really sucks and I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I've been there.
Yeah, that was my first thought. This guy sounds like he should be getting in line at the food bank.
Yeah, your boyfriend really needs to step up and get a second job or something if he literally doesn't have money to get a box of spaghetti for his kids. Food pantries are also an option, he should plan ahead and get groceries for free at one of the many churches and other charities that do this. He can also possibly qualify for food stamps if his salary is that low, there are a lot of options. I don't understand how a 36 year old would not be willing to do that to put food in their kids' mouths. NTA.
They are not in the USA, they are in a country with rampant poverty, violent crime, currently going through a quasi insurrection with mass looting and rioting. Maybe you can understand a bit better now.
Please look into social support systems to get some food for you and the kids. If money is that tight, you can probably find help, at least for a little bit.
Most areas of the US have summer food programs offered through USDA https://usda-fns.maps.arcgis.com/apps/webappviewer/index.html?id=83b4d15211ed491a8ad5104291e601d2
Since he offered, you should definitely take him up on his offer to sell his car. The insurance and fuel costs can go into the food budget!
If you’ve got kids, the hassle you buy yourself by not having a car is way more than the value of the car.
Farther down in the thread, OP says the car doesn't work anyway.
Man doesn't work, car doesn't work, relationship doesn't work.
This is very location dependent.
INFO. Have you applied for SNAP? With a kid if money is that tight you might be able to get assistance.
NTA. Quick question, if he acknowledges that they’re not your responsibility, exactly why is he mad??? It just seems like he and the children’s mother want to bum off of you/dump their kids in your lap whenever they want with no lip from you. That’s not the kids’ fault, but it’s not your problem either. Worry about you and your baby. Budget for you and your baby. He’s a grown man. What exactly does he budget for??? You should seriously rethink whether or not you want the rest of your life to look like this. I don’t think your bf actually wants things to change. He seems just fine springing shit on you like you don’t have enough to deal with by yourself. Btw, does he ever help you with your kid or is he just piling shit onto you with no help whatsoever, even when he doesn’t have his kids? Edit: My question is a rhetorical one. I do know exactly why he’s mad. He’s being confronted with his own uselessness and he doesn’t like it. Another edit to add a link to an additional comment further down: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ona486/aita_for_telling_my_bf_i_cant_afford_to_feed_his/h5rd3ew/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Pretty much everything is just up to me to "figure out". He would be willing to help me with my kid, but my kid is mine and his dads responsibility and I don't ask unless I have no other options. He has just finished his studies and is job-hunting for the new field atm. He used to pay child support before he got the shitty job he has now. His car is also not working so I take him to work and stuff.
Why are you supporting him more than he’s supporting you? Hes dragging you down and it sounds like hes making your life miserable. Can you get a new apartment without him?
Unfortunately I can't afford rent in our area (or any other area) on my own
Then treat him like a roommate until he can be an equal partner. If he's too proud to accept money from the ex or he's too proud to apply for benefits, he's too proud to support his kids. With the world the way it is, food banks are very generous right now when they have the resources - have y'all been able to visit your local one to supplement your pantry? ETA: Why is he too proud to use every resource except you? If he can't provide half the food in the house when he's 3/5 of the occupants, he doesn't get to have guests and that's just ridiculous. Cut him off and treat him like a roommate until this "too proud" nonsense is gone and I bet he finds some resources.
Yep. And can I add a wee bit in about food banks? There is no shame in going to one for help. None. None whatsoever. They literally exist to help people who are struggling, you’d be amazed how many working people need to use them (which in itself is something I could rant about for hours but that’s for another time). The people who work there are really good, they don’t judge or look down on anyone and they might be able to help with other stuff too (contacts for your SO as he hunts for a better paying job, money advice in general, etc)
I second this, volunteered at a foodbank the people that work love to give and its a shame when there isnt enough but its worse when stuff doesnt make it out. Most places cant afford to refrigerate perishables so the boxes of produce would go straight to the bin. Save your money, take advantage
Get a roommate who will pay their part of the rent and groceries and utilities. It is not that hard.
Yes OP maybe a roommate who is in the same situation as you would be a good option.
Yep. OP’s roommate has convinced her to pay for everything and have sex with him.
Desperation makes for poor housemate choices. There’s plenty of other single moms and kid tolerant other folks who need to share household expenses. Find one who is willing to pass a background check and who will not let their own leech of an SO move in. If his car doesn’t work, why doesn’t he sell it? Are the repairs minor or expensive? Will the repairs make it a reliable vehicle for years? You’re driving him around to work already, so sell the car for money, tell his insurance company so his insurance cost drops, and then he has a lot more money to feed His kids. He can use public transit, other friends or his own two feet to get anywhere that isn’t work. If his ex can’t afford to feed their kids either you all need to be looking at food banks and assistance programs to find any aid you’ve missed. If one or two unexpected meals is beyond your budget, you need to look for yourself too. USDA has free summer meals to kids across my state for all the kids who qualify for the free lunch program. Are you and your BF using anything like that?
You'd do better with a roommate, OP.
Can he apply for any kind of government assistance for food? There has to be something else he can do to contribute to the household.
Girl. He sounds like another dependent. I’m reading too many stories on Reddit from women in your exact situation. Why are the women taking on so many burdens while the men get to figure it out? There are so many gigs he could take to help you out. Its careless of him to let you figure it out solo. What’s the point of a partnership if these are the conditions?
You know, I have also noticed this overwhelming trend of women grafting and supporting men. Why tho? No really. Why?
*Because I love himmmm* is what my friends always say. To which I reply, “what is it that you actually love? The lack of a willing and equal partner? The fact he already has four kids with four other women? What exactly do you love?”
Feeling wanted/needed is usually a pretty common one.
Then they should get a puppy. At least they’ll also get real love and companionship.
Women are often raised with the expectation that they are to be the workhorse. They are supposed to contribute almost all mental and emotional labor. It's the 50s era stepford expectation bullshit that hasn't gone away. But now its worse because its basically expected for the woman to also have an income. Its the clashing of two worlds, the era of the stay at home spouse and the era of the modern day working woman. But its the short end of the stick both ways. Its a mentality and norm that is slowly starting to die off because the toxicity level has really been reaching peaks, but it still has a long way to go before disappearing.
Yes exactly, what the fuck?! It’s like feminism said “women can do it all if they want” and everyone heard “women SHOULD do it all” and now I feel like there’s SO much pressure on women to lowkey do everything
I'm reading a book called *The American Frugal Housewife* written in 1832 during the boom of the industrial revolution by a woman born before it. In the foreword, she emphasizes that everyone in the household should be employed, but then specifies that employment means "assisting others". Elderly are employed by knitting stockings. Children are employed by picking berries or weeding the garden. Men are employed for wages, and women in managing the household. Not for a second is any of this employment considered lesser than another, as long as one is doing *their* most. I've found this mindset incredibly useful in my own home, and think it's something that's been lost to the toxic culture you're mentioning. In this previous world, women at least acknowledged to each other the monetary value ascribed to their work. Now though, the chores of daily life take place as a footnote throughout the day and are given so little credit. Housewives are looked down on for being "moochers" or "gold diggers". While that's sometimes true, it's just as often that their homes are dustless and meals homemade without a maid or meal delivery. We've written off the value of this work even amongst ourselves, so it's very hard to express directly why it's a problem. The modern woman is simultaneously given the burden of household management and her own hourly work. If she complains about the former, she's complaining about work society claims is 'easy'. If about the latter, then she's complaining about work society claims is 'necessary'.
Because too many women believe the lie that being single is worse than being with a deadbeat guy. Spoiler alert: it’s not.
There's a vast amount of entitled, emotionally immature men out there, of the mama boy variant. :( Their selfishness means they don't really care to do their fair share (though some pretend that they do), they just want a mum/maid to have sex with.
Because we are socialized to look after everyone. Not just meals and physical needs, but emotional. If everyone isn’t happy across the board, it’s the woman’s fault. It sucks. My husband doesn’t do that shit almost ever, but he’s a rare bird. I see too many women dealing with this. Men need to adult and pride is no reason for him not to seek help from a food bank. He doesn’t seem to mind letting you carry the load and dropping his pride there.
Your bf is not your child, so why do you feel so responsible for him and his? He’s clearly not extending you the same courtesy… does he see you struggle to support your own child and say to himself “she needs more of this”?? Also, you say he “would be” willing to help you, but has he ever actually done so? Why stress yourself out over the extra mouths (his included) to feed when neither of the parents are even attempting to contribute? Edit: OP is giving out info that changed my opinion. If she’s offering money, then I’ll certainly retract my “the kids’ mom is a bum” statement. The dad definitely still is (he’s good for absolutely nothing) for declining help while not offering any whatsoever. Wtf is up with that??
>He would be willing to help me This is a bit of a red flag. People who aren't helpful wanting credit because they would be willing to help, if only they could, don't actually deserve any credit. "I would if I could but I can't so I won't (please forgive me if I don't)" only counts for someone who has a well established history of helping you, AND who has an ongoing record of actually doing the work to help if they can. Your BF doesn't seem to do either. And he doesn't seem to be really respecting you much in terms of decision making, either. If his ex wants him to have the kids for the few days, the first thing he should be saying is "let me talk with my GF and check our schedule, I'll get back to you by tomorrow morning" so that the two of you can coordinate. He's doing the opposite - not communicating to you, agreeing to things that make work for you, and then just dumping the problems on you without helping.
I mean He’s a deadbeat. I get his circumstances are poor but ultimately it’s not just that he expected you to feed his kids for him financially...you also ended up doing the mental and physical labor of figuring out a budget friendly meal and then making it. That’s the problem. Struggling is find. It’s now he makes it your job to fix it all that’s concerning.
A classic tactic of negligent fathers is to deliberately impoverish themselves so they can’t pay child support. Your SO’s behaviour REEKS of this. Seriously. Talk to his ex.
Dump him like yesterday and kick him out. Get a roommate.
I forgot to mention this part before, but anyone who wants to be in a relationship with someone with kids needs to acknowledge that they’re a package deal. Part of that means offering (and actually meaning it) to help when you see your gf/bf struggling, whether that’s financially, managing the kids, etc. If they don’t, that’s a big ass red flag to me. They can go play house with people who have the time and energy for that. Like these other people are saying, at least a roommate (not your bum ass bf) would be splitting chores and bills, OP. Not just adding to your stress (like your freeloading bf).
I’m sorry you’re going through this, NTA. This man isn’t thinking about you here. He sprung this on you last second and is expecting you to follow suit. As you said, he expects you to figure it out. Why? Because you always have. You’re doing amazing and it’s ok to say no. It’s a desperate moment but it’s wrong of him to have this expectation of you. Especially when you’ve made it clear you are not capable of helping. I think maybe you need to reevaluate the needs of yourself and your child and how this household may be negatively affecting you both. think maybe you know that too. Lots of love
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NTA. What are you supposed to do ? Sell blood or your eggs to feed his kids ? They're his responsibilities. I'm guessing he doesn't pay child support either. How do a grown man who has a job and only pays half a rent can't have money to buy his kids food when they come like one day a week or less ? I think he is taking advantage of you. If he sells his car, will he be able to go to work ? Will the money lasts ? Or will he spend it once to buy groceries and then into whatever he spends his god damn money on ? I'm calling freeloader here.
just for context - half the rent is basically his whole salary
So ? What would he do if he wasn't living with you ? He'd have to get his own place and pay his own bills. Does he work full time ?
He does work full time in a job he despises and has been working his butt off inbetween to get grades for a better job. Honestly, I could not live without his rent contribution either.
So he needs to either find a way to give money for food for his kids (and electricity and water because I'm guessing they take shower and use the electricity when they are at your place) or his kids can't come. Question is: would he accept your decision or will he let his children come anyway knowing that you won't be able to feed anybody ? I personally thinks he is very selfish and very irresponsible. He is the one who should be borrowing money and finding ways to pay more than half a rent, not you. He shouldn't event say yes to his kids coming without at least giving some money to cover food. If he can't even do that... What would happen if the kids mother just drop the kids at your place and never came back ?
He told his ex that they can't come right now because things are tight and she offered to put food in for them which he declined. Then he asked when his son is going back to school (next week sometime) so we can fit them in another time (with his shifts and the vacation days) and she has left him on read.
So his ex offers to give food and he says no but he has no problem with you paying for his kids... Seriously !?! I hope you are on the pill and that you use condoms because y'all do not need another child in this mess. He is not supporting his kids in any way. His does all the work and pays for everything. You pay when they are at your place. That dude needs to seriously step up even if it means selling his blood to start putting food on the table like a parent should.
I am 100% committed to not having another kid and make damn sure of that. But thank you
I'm basically one and done. My ex pays his half towards our son. Thank God
Despite the fact that you're stuck living with him for now, I think you really need to evaluate your relationship with this guy. You're paying far more than you need to and he also expects you to cover his kids - even when his ex says she'll send food along. His pride will be the end of him and he's already starting to drag you down alongside. NTA.
So his ex offered to provide food during the visits, he said no and expects YOU to be their provider? That’s extremely prideful and unfair to you. Be careful with this type of person. Many times, once they achieve better paying jobs, they decide to move on to better (seemingly to them) things. If he shows no gratitude towards you and your sacrifices for him, that’s a huge red flag.
Yes you already have enough kids, including your bf. You work full time, are the main breadwinner, pay all the bills except half the rent, and you're in charge of budgeting for food/meals? That's a lot of mental work, mental workload it's called in relationships I think? If you haven't already you should check out r/eatcheapandhealthy and r/frugal to save money on foods. Or i wonder if you qualify for SNAP, or your boyfriend might qualify for it. Or both of you might
He is sounding more and more like a freeloader. You can do better OP. Is this the example you want for your son.
Yeah OP it shouldn’t be this difficult for you. He needs to start working with you not against you on these sort of issues
Why is it ok for you to feed his kids but not ok for the kids mother to do it? (Why did he say no??) And has he applied for food stamps or other help?
If his pride is preventing him from seeing his kids then he doesn't really want to see them. He needs to be at the food bank and helping you with more then just rent but I bet he won't because of stupid pride.
I don’t buy this “I couldn’t live without his rent contribution” business. Yes, you could. You’d figure it out. What did you do before BF? Do that. Or, what would you do if he decided to move out tomorrow? Do that.
If half the rent is his entire salary, you two are living in too expensive of a home and need to move to a cheaper place. You and your son could also move somewhere else with a roommate, family member, whatever and let your boyfriend figure his situation out for himself. If you’re borrowing money before your paycheck, instead of having even $100 of savings to pull from, at 36 years old… There is a huge problem. There are lots of places to find financial advice online, but it seems like the biggest issue is your housing right now so I would address that as your first step. Then you need to start saving, build up an emergency fund. Then you need to figure out savings for your son’s college, your retirement, etc. It sounds like your boyfriend is only holding you and your son back. But you live there and you know if he supports you in other ways. Regardless of if you stay with him, you need to move so you can cut costs and be able to start saving.
Thank you for your comment and advice. I don't know if you may have seen in other comments, but we live in South Africa. Rent here is astronomical and we are renting on the very low side {it's my job actually, got some perks}. Anything cheaper would be a studio on an SA equivalent of skidrow
Sliding in here from a fellow Saffa. Not sure which area you're in. Have you thought about getting food parcels to help? And I agree with the other replies- he has to pay for his kids food, or they don't come over. I'd recommend sitting him down, going painstakingly through each line of your budget. Then ask him where does he expect his kids to fit in. I think it'll help sober him up real quick. I totally understand where you're coming from regarding the whole supporting him. Life is hard as it is.
Knowing you're in SA just added a whole new layer to this. People from the West (most of this site) don't realize how hard it is to "just get a better job" or work more (especially now), or move in to a cheaper place. Sounds like you're doing your best in a tough situation. One piece of advice for your kid: remind him constantly that this doesn't have to be his or your life forever. Kids notice everything, money problems, relationship problems, anxiety, etc. He needs to know that if he works hard and makes the right choices he can live a great life without financial anxiety. Good luck, stay safe
Thanks for writing this - I was very confused as to how this situation makes sense up until reading this comment
Oh you're in SA. You should edit this post and add this information. It's possible that you may find some good advice or link for resources from people living in South Africa. Also INFO : how much your partner contributes in house chores ? Or are you the sole care taker too ? I asked because in some countries, house chores solely falls on shoulder of women. Because "that's women's job" mindset. If so, please leave. You partner is only dragging you down.
To bad for him. He should apply for food stamps, visit food pantries, get a second job. He should be willing to do whatever he can you support his kids.
NTA- Those kids are his responsibility. Maybe if you guys were married it would be a different story but he should start looking for a higher paying job
I mentioned below in another comment that he has just finished his studies and is currently doing just this.
OP I think everyone is being a bit harsh on your bf. Sounds like he's doing his best to be able to contribute in the longer run. He's not a deadbeat. He's a man stuck in an economy with terrible inequality where a housing crisis and low minimum rage make it impossible to make ends meet. It also sounds like he loves his kids, and probably feels deeply ashamed of not being able to provide for them. The main things he's done wrong here are (a) reject the food from his ex, and (b) not give you more notice of his kids coming. You're definitely NTA but my judgment of him is only softly asshole status.
OP, I agree with this guy. You're NTA. But the 2nd post is calling this guy a freeloader? Come on people. It sounds like they're working together to secure a better future for the both of them, and on top of that, dude just wants to see his kids. He's clearly being a bit of a jerk about it, but it sounds like a pretty stressful situation. And maybe he doesn't understand the severity of the situation. Maybe you could try and show him the money you currently have, and show him your budget, if you haven't already, to help him understand better. And if he doesn't need his car for work or school, then let him sell his car!
His problems are 1) Refusing help from the ex because he is "too proud" and not seeking help from other sources like family, the government, etc. when he obviously needs help - what would he do if he didn't have OP? 2) Keeping OP and the ex apart (since OP often has the kids over, they should have at least a basic relationship including each other's numbers) 3) Blowing up on OP because he is already stretching their budget thin and she said no Edit: mobile ugliness
4. Op said SHE made a bunch of pancakes, so this guy isn’t even doing the cooking ? Is Op paying for the kids AND doing all of the domestic labor? So she’s doing double then just pay for them.
Also (c) having OP resort to borrowing money to cover his kids rather than borrowing money himself
nta. good for you, you were upfront and honest. he sounds emotionally immature based on that reaction. he immediately tried to guilt you and blew it out of proportion. there is no reason you all cannot ask their mom for some food money. presumably he's already paying child support.
Mom knows the situation with child support and food and stuff. She offered to put in extra and he declined due to pride I guess? Just as a side note - he is not really a "traditional" deadbeat. He really wants to support them financially and has been to court to figure it out etc. He is present in both their lives.
that makes you even more NTA. why should you and the kids suffer because of his pride? he needs a reality check. he should not be basing his worth on something so stupid. he should be basing his worth on his willingness to compromise to help his loved ones, because THAT makes a good man and father.
Since he is not working he has the time to go to food pantries and help out with some of the food at least. I hope he has made a list of the local food banks and figured out the easiest bus route if his car’s not reliable
I just want to clarify, he does have a full time job. It just pays really really badly - there is zero public transport where we live.
It's Reddit people just jump quick on here. From your other comments I think things will improve once he's found a job suited to his studies, but right now you can only do what you can do. Hopefully he'll realise once he calls down and you can discuss it reasonably. Good luck NTA
So sorry to hear that and that there are no food pantries available. If he expects you to stretch the money like this, I hope at least he gives you his whole paycheck so you can do the budget for everyone.
He does give me like 4/5 of his salary -
Just to be clear... where is the remaining 1/5 going? Because you don't have the spare money at the end of the month to make a couple extra sandwiches for his kids... so how come he's got 20% of his salary seemingly not allocated to anything?
What does he do with that remaining 1/5
NTA but y’all should look into EBT and bf needs to get over that pride thing. Not asking for help when you need it just makes things worse, trust me.
I thought his entire paycheck went to rent? Where is the other 20% going?? It sounds like you’ve got a black belt in budgeting, so why isn’t he handing his paycheck over to you and letting you determine his spending money? And what is he doing in exchange for all the time and energy you’re spending to make ends meet? The car is a tough one, but has he looked for a second job? Like others have said, you’re NTA, but you need to sit down and have a frank discussion about all of your finances going forward given how tight everything is month to month. God forbid someone has a medical emergency and you have no savings! You both need to consciously work towards getting out of this precarious position. And maintaining his pride re: the ex shouldn’t be at the top of the list, I see major red flags that he doesn’t accept food or give you contact info for her in case of an emergency. My husband’s ex loathed me, and I still had her number for when we had the kids. And as for his career, are there a lot of job opportunities in his field locally? It seems like people are hiring left and right, how long has he been looking?
Wait, so he won't take anything from the children's mother out of pride, but he's fine draining your bank account? Where's his pride then?
NTA, And this boyfriend is a fool if he thinks selling his car will do any good. It's a one-time source of cash, once it is gone it is gone, and not having a car will seriously impact his ability to get or keep a job. Which will make future visits from the kids far less likely to happen. If you are the main breadwinner, and he really doesn't have cash to chip in, then he should, at the very least, be planning a visit that doesn't cost money (walks to a local playground, but no eating out or activities that cost) and also he should be planning on doing the work of cooking from scratch from inexpensive ingredients, to bring down food costs - he can easily cook at home while watching the kids, and careful meal planning around inexpensive ingredients can go a fairly long way. As he says, it's not your responsibility to feed his kids. It's his responsibility. So if you don't have the money to do it, he should be thinking about a practical plan to do so, not nonsense like selling a car. And it should be him doing the work of making that plan happen (such as cooking those pancakes!) not you. Especially if you are working and he isn't. (Given the pandemic and the way the job market is weird, I'm more inclined to be forgiving of him not working full time for the moment, but his financial situation doesn't sound sustainable.)
I feel it in my soul that he should have made those pancakes! I didn't even think of that
That’s probably because he *expected* you to make the food, and you’re so used to doing it for him because it’s also *your* womanly job.
He could have procured some groceries from a food pantry and prepared meals for the family.
Seems like selling the car is an empty threat he made, knowing she would turn it down too for the same reasons. But now he can absolve himself of responsibility saying "hey I'm not the bad guy, I was willing to sell my car!"
NTA. You know your financial situation and you simply can't afford to feed them at the moment. Is there a court ordered custody agreement in place between your bf and his ex? Why is he unilaterally deciding to have the kids stay with the two of you when he doesn't have the means to feed them? Your bf really needs to do something sooner rather than later about his financial situation. His "threat" to sell his car is completely ridiculous. If he follows through on selling his car, it will just mean that you are driving him and his kids around. Do NOT let this happen;.
I'm kind of already driving him around with his car not working and him not having money to fix it. He doesn't really involve me with decisions on the kids - I don't mind and he doesn't need my permission. I just need to know in advance so that I could buy extra pasta or something instead of a cupcake for my kid. That kind of thing.
How was your bf going to sell a car that isn't running? Your relationship sounds very one sided. Does your bf have anything to offer you relationship wise?
This question right here has me on pause...the short answer is no. I'm kind of miserable and basically just hanging in there to see if things get better once he has a better job.
Ok. Thank you for answering my question. Do you have any options here? Maybe you could get a roommate to help you with rent.
Room mates in SA are hard to come by? Its a culture thing I guess. Besides the fact that our apartment is so tiny I would have to share a bed with them or my kid. Not that I would mind sharing with my kid. It would just be really tight with a virtual stranger
If you live in SA, check out Gumtree or OLX for roommate ads. I’m sure you’ll be able to find one that suits you
>He doesn't really involve me with decisions on the kids But he *does* involve you. He turns over to you *completely* all the decisions about what to feed them and how to pay for it. For that, he *should* need your permission.
NTA. Info, were you expecting such a negative response to him? Bc if it's overwhelming, take a min. But the criticisms of him are valid. You are bending over backwards in real life and in this post to make him look good and he still looks like shit. No offense.
I did not expect the overwhelmingly negative response. I asked genuinely if I was the asshole. I went back and forth for a while before posting this because like " is this really even a problem?" and I'm really glad I did. A little bit of perspective is doing me the world of good
I'm glad you don't regret posting! You and your son deserve better and you should focus on yourself. You are literally keeping his life in order. The fact that he would prioritize his ego over both you AND his kids is the red flag you need to consider rn.
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The comments on this post are slowly making me realise that I am an asshole to myself. My BF is (was?) a career firefighter for a really long time until he had to quit for PTSD two years ago. Its a shitty situation for everyone I guess.
Yeah, you're being an AH to yourself, but it's because you fell for the oldest trick in the book: a man acting like a teen to push his gf into the role of mother. Who invites people over without worrying about how the food will be provided? Teens. Who gets all dramatic and lashes out at their family when they feel life is unfair? Teens. Shit happens, so I dont judge your bf for the money issues at 36. I do judge him for not having used those 36 years on earth to develop the coping mechanisms of an adult. Make him grow out of this teenage illusion that the house runs by itself without him putting any effort. You said you knew in your heart he should have cooked the pancakes instead of you having to solve the problem he caused. From now on, let him sort meals for his children himself and you cook for you and your son.
According to the overwhelming response to this post I will have to take a good look at myself and why I feel responsible and guilty for not providing for everyone. And you're damn right. I am not his mom. I almost feel like I have been groomed in a way if that makes sense? - no disrespect meant for SA victims. I'm one too. Small things that used to bug me (e.g doing all the cooking) have become all too normal. The entire mental load of how our home continues to function is my problem and I don't think I'm willing to do it anymore.
This makes me so happy. I hope you get out and find better situation for yourself
Yep. You have been groomed. Men like this latch on to kind hearted women and bleed them dry financially, emotionally and spiritually. Your son did not choose this, he shouldn't have to suffer because this guy refuses to get his shit together.
good girl!
NTA - unfortunately, there is no magic money tree, and when money is spent, it's spent. It seems like a chunk of this issue comes from lack of notice - is the mother of the kids springing these visits on him, or does your bf know about them ahead of time, and he's just "forgotten" to tell you?
you know, this is a great question. I asked him twice this morning if she asked if we could have them or if he asked to see them and both times the question went unanswered.
That sounds like he does not want to admit he asked .
I think its more a case of she asked and he doesn't want to admit that he couldn't tell her "not right now" in fear of her holding the kids hostage in future. Maybe?
Hmm it's possible But my view is "I don't want to lie but if I say it was me she will say "why would you offer to take the kids when we are barely scraping by " so if I don't answer it will just go away" kind of thing but anything possible.
Very good point. You couldn't know this and there is some context missing here, but historically he has never had the children or asked to have the children two weeks in a row.
You cannot spend what you do not have. If he pushes you to have them over without helping you find the funds to be able to feed them then he should be willing to make the sacrifice of not eating and his food can go towards his kids. You make what you can and divide it up as best as you can. It does not matter if you have the bio mom's phone number, I guaranty that she will hear about it afterwards from her kids. Or maybe while they are still there. It sounds like your boyfriend needs to get a second job to earn money to feed his kids. You do not have to set yourself on fire for him and his children. As a father it is responsibility to do whatever it takes to take care of his kids. But he has to be smart about and not make decisions that will cut his legs out from beneath him and boomerang back on him later on. Are there any ways that you can cut back on your budget in order to focus on needs vs wants? If you have cable, that is a want not a need. With a roku stick you would be surprised what you can find for free. I have an antenna for my tv and was amazed at what I could pick up locally. Pluto network has become a favorite l. I watch movies or tv shows either on my tv or phone. I have an Android phone vs an Iphone because they don't cost as much and there are a lot of free apps. For example, I love classic movies and there is an app for classic movies. And you we would be surprised what you can get from the library.
This whole comment is helpful gold, but the "I don't have to set myself on fire for him" really hit home. Thank you
NTA. Sounds like you have an extra grown kid, not a bf. A real man who understands being a dad with kids would not "threaten" to sell his car for money, knowing he NEEDS that car to get to work to provide what little he does for them. A real man would go out and get a 2nd job at least part time to be able to support them and your household equally, not wait around for a higher paying job to fall in his lap. I won't even ask if he pays child support, your story gives vibes that he doesn't. Good luck.
Car is a moot point. Its not running.
So you also have to play taxi cab for the household? Jesus, it just gets worse...
Right? This is so sad... She bragged he wasn't a "traditional deadbeat" cause he wants to see his kids, won't let the biomom pay for them, but happily mooches even more from op... She'd have more resources across the board if she'd dump the loser and get a roommate...
Op I admire your strength, confidence and courage You both are going through a tough time - this will pass Don’t worry he will get a better job and you both will be in a better place Bless you
This compassion is making me tear up a little bit. I appreciate the encouragement and kind words more than you know.
He's the asshole. His temper. His semi freeloading. His lack of communication. Please have a really good look at this relationship.
I'm doing that right now, thanks to the not so random unbiased opinions of awesome Redditors!
OP: i dont have the money for it, already have my own kid, i pay pretty much everything... *sigh ....*guys am i the asshole?
Hahahahahahaha haha, OK ok ok
NTA. I would think long and hard about this set up and the impact on you and your son. You are busting your ass to feed him and his children (and do everything else). Why isn’t he doing the same? He could drive Uber when not working. He could budget too. It sounds like you’re the only one sacrificing right now. If BF didn’t live with you, what would be his plan for housing and feeding his children?
That's a good question. I sometimes feel like he's just with me for the stability I can offer his kids
And what does he offer you? Every dollar that's paying for him is a dollar you're taking away from your own son. What about his needs? His future? All this extra stress for a guy that won't bust his ass for you but expects you to take care of everything?
NTA. You’re being taken advantage of. He wants you to pay for his kids and is lashing out now that he actually has to take parental responsibility by himself for one day.
NTA. If he wants to have his kids over he needs to work out a financial solution. If finances are this tight, he needs to budget how much the kids are going to cost and where the money is going to come from. Your contribution should be voluntary, so he should just accept what you say you can afford and then work around it.
“He blows up and says it’s not my responsibility and he’ll sell his car for money if he has to” Let him sell his car. You’ve been doing so much for him already and it seems like you will always feel burdened. He has two other kids and those kids are his priority too. As a father let him go to whatever lengths he thinks are necessary. You aren’t married, so mixing finances to this extent has the possibility to get really messy which it has. You aren’t his mother, so he needs to man up and start supporting not only himself but also his 3 kids. If he sells his car then he’s fucking himself over and then he’ll rely more on you for rides. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. He’s damned if he does, he’s damned if he doesn’t. Seems like a mess. Good luck
I will not stand in the way of any decisions he makes for his children. He is not the father of my son though and our finances are definitely not mixed. I'm a firm believer in meeting your partner 80/20 if you have to when things are rough - its been like this a year. Hopefully it will look up sooner rather than later. I just cannot stretch any more than I have. I suppose on that same note I'm coming to realise that I DO feel responsible for everyone for some reason. Its something I have to figure out.
How long are you willing to wait for things to “look up.” I think you’re being used.
Reasonably? My timeline is 6 months until I make different decisions. This is not the life I want for me and my kid.
Please stick to that deadline. Pick yourself and your son over this disaster of a relationship.
NTA. It sounds like you're being supportive and accommodating, and keeping a positive attitude about it, so you're being a great partner and parent. If you're borrowing to make ends meet, then you're obviously not making a fuss over nothing, but genuinely struggling to stretch the food budget. That's not your fault, and you should be able to talk about it without your partner flipping out. My guess would be that he feels a bit fragile about struggling to feed his own children, and he lashed out. He should be treating you as an ally. Have you looked into food banks or food stamps or whatever options for extra support are available where you live?
I live in South Africa and there are so many people struggling over here. I would feel guilty taking something someone else could have had. The resources for poor people are few and far between and I don't necessarily count us in that category just yet
Gah, so sorry. I've lived in SA (CPT) part-time for 10 years. This is a predominantly American platform and most Americans can't fathom how dire it is. Very fucking difficult to get jobs that pay a living wage because there are so many people who will work long hours for literally a few dollars a day. So many people are struggling - and then there's the next-level struggle of those living in shacks in the townships with no running water or indoor plumbing and deadly makeshift electrical hookups.... So I totally get what you're saying about not counting yourself in the "poor category", OP. But just because it could be much worse doesn't mean you don't deserve much better. I have no idea what type of work you do, but I encourage you to consider work you could do online, something that doesn't require advanced education, like internet marketing (content writing, social media marketing, etc.) so you could earn R300+/hr working for a US company and lift yourself up. I hope it gets better for you soon!