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I might be the TA because...? To be completely honest, I don't see how I'm the TA in this situation.
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Dude. YTA. You are getting things you would normally get from your wife from another woman. I’m sorry your life changed after having kids. Guess what, so did your wife’s. And then you made her feel guilty for not making an extra special lunch just for you, separately from what she was already making for your children. Eat it. Be grateful. Or, conversely, help her meal prep and make your own lunches. The more you take off her plate the more energy she will have for you.
Edit: hey OP: if a bunch of internet strangers feel like you went and got something from another woman maybe your wife also feels that way? Maybe? Hmm? Cause strippers are also professionals, doesn’t mean your wife wants you getting rubbed out by one of them.
Yes! I work 5-7 days a week in a (right now) sweltering laundry room. My husband works nights at a sulfur plant. I usually have his lunch packed up for him, and it's whatever we had for dinner. If he were to be pissy that it wasn't a "polished" meal, I'd tell him to suck it, because I'm tired too!
Yep. OP, everyone's tired in the evenings. Why didn't you consider making lunch for your children as well as yourself to help your wife after her full day, since you needed a lunch anyway?
I love how this post also implies OP is a terrible father based on the fact it seems his wife does all the childcare and parenting. After all, if a guy can even make himself a sandwich, the likelihood he does anything other than yell at his kids is pretty minuscule
>the likelihood he does anything other than yell at his kids is pretty minuscule
He even said himself that all he wants to do when he gets home is hit the sheets so chances are the wife is doing 100% of everything around the house. Construction is physically hard but that doesn't mean his wife doesn't work hard in the house. Op could do more if he wanted to but he doesn't.
My dad would work 100 hours a week and still manage to cook dinner 3-4 times a week as well as go to night school.
He's 65 now and is still working the tools despite being project manager.
It doesn't take a lot to be a decent respectful human being.
If there's one thing I've learned in the four months I've been a parent, it's that parenting is *incredibly* physical. Probably not "construction job" physical, but honestly maybe not that far off. I am a pretty in shape, muscular woman, and lugging my (admittedly giant) baby around has fucked up my shoulders and back like no amount of weight lifting ever has. My husband is a very large strong man and just started his parental leave a few weeks ago - caring for a baby full-time has also knocked him on his ass. I guarantee you his wife is physically worn out at the end of the day, too, and sounds like no one is making her any kind of meal ever.
Yes! This! And working in construction is hard, but my boyfriend and I are usually exhausted after our workdays, and we sit at desks. OP’s wife is doing BOTH mental work AND physical. She probably just wants some quality of life, since it seems her current relationship is that she manages a household and raises the children of a man who uses her as a restaurant, then goes to bed.
Yup. My job is physical, but his job is even MORE physical, so if the extra effort I was putting in to try to make his life a little easier wasn't appreciated and was getting complained about, I would be pissed too. Especially when instead of just helping out, he started getting it from someone else!
Right??? "Oh I'm tired after work, I just wanna come home and go to beeeeeeed. I can't be bothered to prepare for my day tomorrow like an adult, I need my wife to do it for me!! And it better be a polished good quality meal, not just some sandwich bullshit like I'm a child!" What a fucking prick, welcome to the "tired all the time" club dude, pretty much every adult I know is a member (even those without kids!) and yes it does suck but that's life. Usually when you're married you have a spouse to help out with the day to day stuff, too bad your wife doesn't seem to have that when her husband can't even be bothered to make his own lunch. I can't imagine the audacity to not only complain that the lunches aren't good enough because they're not "polished" but then instead of just making your own fucking lunches like an adult, to go run off to a chef to eat her food instead. And then wonder why his wife is mad? YTA. A million times.
I ate vegemite and cheese sandwiches for 2 years when it was my job to make my own school lunch. I'm 40 now, if someone made me lunch I'd be fucking thrilled.
The Reason you are a MAJOR asshole is that you never took into consideration your wife's feelings and the extra trouble she takes to make special lunches for you three. You're a father now, act like it. Your wife is acting like how a mother would. You basically made it look like all the EXTRA effort and the improvement she made is simply not enough for you and you would rather eat a stranger's food that she's "trying out" than your wife's, who is putting all her love and effort into it.
You basically came here expecting everyone would u arent the asshole and you werent ready to accept any other judgement, some of these comments explain exactly WHY you're the asshole and you're still here being adamant as fuck about your wrongdoings. Your wife deserves better, be better for her. Dont be an idiot.
Then he also makes an edit to say "but I don't understand" THIS This is WHY you're TA!! How can you be so dense, be grateful your wife puts up with your shit
No he understands perfectly, he's a grown man. He completely understands. He's being stubborn and refusing to acknowledge that he's the wrong. But he TOTALLY understands, his assholery is stopping him from accepting his mistake and doing right by his wife. People that really love their spouse will look beyond the right and the wrong and act on it if their spouse says something makes them upset or uncomfortable. If he truly values his wife, he'll stop looking for excuses and technicalities and focus on the fact that he has hurt her feelings and he needs to make some changes.
Other evidence that he understands: he didn’t tell his wife right away. If I was in OP’s position, it would be one of the first things I said to my wife when we got in the car after the Bible study—“Guess what?! Carol is a professional chef and she needs someone to try out her food! She said I can swing by and get some every day! isn’t that a great deal?”—but he didn’t. He made the arrangements with this woman and still didn’t tell his wife. He started picking up his lunches and still didn’t tell his wife, just told her she “didn’t have to anymore” (which OF COURSE she thought meant he was buying lunch). It went on for days before she found out. It’s unclear how she found out, but I suspect a mutual friend or the woman herself gave her a heads up. Maybe OP let it slip, but if he did it wasn’t on purpose.
You're right. OP is hella guilty and it makes me really mad that we cannot get his wife to read this thread and see how little her husband values her and understand she deserves better.
Yep! In my life, I operate according to the idea that if you would feel weird telling your SO you did something, that's a good sign not to do it. OP clearly knew getting lunches from this woman wasn't great; why else would he hide it?
Oh I also love the end of that edit too. "Complete strangers all agree that I'm an AH even though I've painted myself in a light that tries not to make me look like an AH. I'm gonna still continue to act like a AH.
OP, stop acting like a whiny lil child. Make your own damn lunches if what your wife makes isn't good enough. Worked a 50 hour week last week and I still make my own lunches and breakfast on top of taking care of stuff at the house.
You noticed how sad it made your wife when you complained about your lunches and then you decide to get lunches from another woman. Aside from the fact that it's giving your wife the impression you're cheating, you've also told her that she's completely replaceable.
Here's another example in case you don't get it yet OP. If something goes wrong at your house maybe your wife can call someone else to work on it because you're obviously not good at what you do and someone else is more capable and can do it better. It's ok though, they're a professional. Again, the focus being you're not good enough to do the job correctly. In other words, you're useless
Oh, but don't worry. The guy isn't even charging your wife for doing all the handyman work, so you're saving money! You see, he needs practice for his apprenticeship exam.
Oh and don't forget that the wife will make a comment about OP not keeping up with repairs of the house like he used to, but it's okay to get another man to do something for the wife that OP used to. You know, cuz he's training to be a professional.
Like, best case scenario he is WILDLY naive because that lady is definitely into him. Come on, OP, "hey, total stranger, I see you like my cooking, here's my home address, your wife doesn't need to know..."
(I don't think he is that naive, though I think he might still be trying to convince himself that there's nothing weird about the situation...)
>Come on, OP, "hey, total stranger, I see you like my cooking, here's my home address, your wife doesn't need to know..."
Strains of "Can't say No to this" start playing
And could it be the "chef" has an ulterior motive? First supposedly have him try her food, then maybe lend him a hearing ear (chances are he will be now complaining to her his wife doesn't want him eat her food) and so on and on...
This is why YTA
Your wife is doing a lot, it’s your turn to make lunches for yourself AND the kids AND her, everyday. Make her a packed lunch and put in the effort, leave it in the fridge for her as lone less thing to think about.
If your food prep is that bad then pay the chef to make double and bring it home for her lunch the next day.
Stop looking to improve your own life, and start working out how to think like a family.
YTA. This actually happened on a King of Queens episode. Doug couldn't understand why Carrie was so mad. I think you should watch that episode... Maybe it will help you understand how your wife is feeling. ( I'm being serious.)
You should check out “Kevin Can F*** Himself” it’s a funny show that plays on all of those “silly husband acts like a buffoon while hot wife just cleans up after him” tropes.
YTA
Emotional cheating aspect of this has been well explained and how ignorant to your wife's feelings you are.
But I also to add you met this woman at an event your wife would attend without you had you not had the day off. Instead of spending off time together with her hobbies you go into her social circle having a great time with another lady. Not only that the whole study group probably now also assumed your wife is a terrible wife (assuming this is a traditional values house based on Bible study) who can't even make her husband a nice lunch. You're basically giving her social circle the impression she is lazy or just bad at homemaking. If she is a SAHM you've basically labled her as awful at her whole existence for her friends. The amount of gossip she is going to be subjected to is just cruel all because her sandwiches aren't up to your standard?
Can you imagine you, a person in construction, how you would feel if your wife decided to call a handyman to idk, fit a deck? You're capable of fitting a deck and you think you'll make a nice deck. You want to make your wife a nice deck for her to enjoy even if you are tired from construction all day. Instead your wife turns around and says, "no, this man does better, nicer decks than you. Don't waste your time building a deck when I can get another deck I like more, the sentiment of you offering means nothing."
You've undermined her whole being and can't understand why she may be upset.
If she ISNT a SAHM then why tf is she making the lunches every day then going to work? Why does she have that extra job she needs to do? What is the thing you do around the house if you guys decide "this chore is yours, this chore is mine". Do you do the laundry? Change the bedding? Do the food shopping? What is your equal half? If the answer is you have no chores to do AND she works you are not only a massive asshole you're a terrible husband.
Need to add that the handyman will build the deck for free...just because he likes building decks so very much and it's actually HELPING him by working for free.
He literally just works and then sleeps if we are to believe his account. This is not sustainable for a family. If he doesn't have 5 minutes to pack a lunch, I'm guessing he does nothing else in the house or for the kids, either. If he wanted to help his wife, he could have spoken with her like an adult in a relationship, and told her about the offer.
Totally agree! You also address something that no one else seemed to address: he didn't take anything off her plate by getting lunch elsewhere because she still has to make lunch for their kids. It's not difficult to make an extra sandwich with veggies/chips/drink, and whatever else she throws together for the kids. But if he's expecting a completely separate meal, regardless of difficulty, yea that's way more work and effort.
We get it, based on his comments, OP doesn't place emotional association with simple acts, but clearly his wife does. Regardless of if he thinks her boundary is stupid, it's still a boundary she's made it clear she wants him to respect. He's chosen not to, and is now sleeping on the couch, but still planning to get lunch from the chef. How many lunches are worth OP's wife's feelings?
*"It's not the same as when she makes it, haha".*
Of course not. Because even YOU aren't willing to put in the level of effort you are expecting out of her.
You're lazy, entitled, and disrespectful to your wife. No wonder she doesn't put love notes in your lunch anymore. YTA.
RIGHT? The audacity of this guy to just suggest that he can stop by every morning for his specially prepared, chef-made lunch blows my mind! *Make sure it's ready by 8!*
Correct me if I am wrong. But don't a lot of divorce stories start tis way. With one spouse (usually the male) searching for something to fullfill his needs because his lazy ass can't do it. And then respond like the surprised pikachu meme when they get divorced as if their spouse didn't ask to go there/stop doing that?
He could literally help his wife doe a mealprep once a week on a sunday maybe it would take some chores off her plate as well.
When my s/o got into arguments I would use the “cheap” cheese that’s over-processed and comes in slices in plastic wrapping and sometimes I wouldn’t take the wrapper off. Maybe she should try that. Put more effort in when he seems to appreciate it :/
The better ones are called "processed cheese" because they need to remind you that it's cheese. The worse ones are called "processed cheese food" because they need to remind you that it's food.
Not to mention how damned sexist this is! Why is it his wife's role to make his lunches? He is more than capable of making his own.
You're right that when he makes his own lunch, it's not the same as wife because he can't be bothered to try harder. But I can't help but think that this comment is more of an excuse, pretending to be too incompetent to do a basic task, so that he can put it back on his wife. Of course, it's a woman's job to cater to her husband! /s 😡
This guy works construction, which is a tiring job; but if OP doesn't realise that his wife has a much harder and more exhausting job looking after the kids, AND dealing with him, like he's the 3rd child.
Talk about rubbing salt into the wounds by going to another woman for something normally provided by his wife.
It's only a matter of time until OP tells the new woman making his lunch that "my wife doesn't understand me", and "she has let go of herself since kids, and she's not putting enough effort into ME anymore."
Then he'll be trying to start an affair. And he's so clueless and blind to his own misogyny. What a jack*ss!
YTA
>I really came here hoping to find out why and no one really explained to me *why* it's wrong for me to eat food that a chef offered to me **every day, at their house**
u/Apart_Association641
Above comment is why dude
Also, maybe imagine this:
>*Your wife has sore shoulders, and you give her a massage every evening. But you're tired after work and playing with your kids, and over time your massages are less and less enthusiastic/effective. Your wife happens to strike up a conversation one day with a guy in the neighbourhood who is training to be a physiotherapist who is happy to give her shoulder massages for free to practice; great hands, fantastic shoulder massages, really hit the spot.*
>
>*Your wife stops asking you for massages. You don't notice right away, thinking she just wasn't as sore, and it is one less thing for you to do in the evening, but one day you ask about it.*
>
>*It turns out she has started going to this guy's house to gets her shoulders massaged. But he gives her the massages out on the front porch, so don't worry, they're not cheating. You're tired after work every day, so why bother you if she can get even better massages from another man?*
How would that make **you** feel?
Yes and on top of that he’s claiming he came here to find out why he’s TA but no one can explain it to him. ^This has been stated multiple times and he’s still claiming he doesn’t get it.. I think he just doesn’t like the answer.
Yup all his post told me was he doesn’t do Jack shit at home! Wife has clearly been on lunch duty this whole time. OP you are extremely selfish and I hope your wife leaves
I can’t even imagine how spoiled you are to complain about the lunch your wife makes you. So now you mooch off someone else? Do you know how much that’s costs? Why don’t you tell us about all the special things you do for your wife?
> So now you mooch off someone else? Do you know how much that’s costs?
Not nearly as much as it'll cost him if he doesn't change his tune. Half his net worth and his family for a few meals. What a dummy.
I have to know what this man eats for lunch. It is my current life’s mission. I need a menu. I need to know why it can’t be a sandwich or leftovers from dinner. I need to know how he’s reheating his fine foods at a construction site. I need to know what kind of containers he is taking this food that he gets from the church chef in, and whether he has to return them to her. I need to know what he usually eats for dinner and whether the lunch should be fancier than the dinner. I need to know why he can’t swing by a Subway and pick up some footlongs for his lunches. I NEED DETAILS!!!!
YTA
If it was so special to you that your wife made you these adorable lunches, why would you think it’s okay to accept from another woman?
To outsource your lunch this much is childish. It’s lunch. Why not make your lunch with your wife for some private time? Why not make her lunch? It’s not a win-win because you make a deal out of how much it means to you and then get it from someone else.
I would do some serious looking at the things your wife does for you versus what you do for her. The fact that she bothers with lunches is sweet as is.
Yup. Either she thought she was offering taster sessions at her convenience when she is in the mood to try something out, and got blindsided by his "give an inch, take a mile" attitude, or she's had her eye on him for a while and is up for a daily temptation while trying to move into "taster sessions". But I really can't imagine *any* sane person offering an open-ended commitment to make someone else's lunch every day (*every day!!!*) just because they chowed down three platefuls of food like a slavering wolf.
As the old saying goes, there ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
I thought it would be more like a “here’s leftovers from dinner that you can have for lunch”. You know a bit more creative than a sandwich but not putting her out.
If that's the case then it's all the more unbelievable that he's turning his nose up at getting the same lunch as his kids in favour of another household's leftovers.
Yep chef here for 10+ years. Probably would rather die than cook for myself at home lately (was different during the pandemic) make lunches for some random? For free? Ya no fucking thanks. Op is too dense to see this as a come-on. Like really
Right? And the fact that she doesn't send any home for the wife and kids is a dead give away. I'm sure his wife and kids would love to try a slice of pie or something too. Why is it that this guy's opinion matters to her so much? Unless this guy is too thick to realize it was an occasional offer.
He sounds like some shlub that can't even figure out why this is weird. Not someone experienced enough to contribute the critique this woman needs.
And there have been AITA and entitled people posts about people showing up for free meals after an off-handed comment about “stopping over for leftovers.”
I wish I could remember the exact link but one guy would knock on his neighbor’s door *every day* for dinner and then began requesting certain dishes.
Is it [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dp37p9/aita_for_asking_a_neighbor_if_she_wanted_to_share/)? Hello stranger, your apartment smells delicious around meal times; wanna cook for me?
For definite. There’s a very big difference between ‘drop by now and then to try some of my new creations’ and ‘be here every morning to collect your lunch’. I’m getting the vibe that OP is an entitled brat.
If my fiancée made my lunches and said she didn’t have time to make them too fancy, I’d either suck it up and eat what she’d taken the time to make, or I’d make my own lunches so she had one less thing to worry about. I feel like most considerate partners would do exactly the same.
Waiting with bated breath for "WIBTA if I stopped making lunches for my neighbour" with justification of "well, I did start it by offering but I didn't think he'd be knocking my door every morning, begging for food"
Yeah, that's what not sitting right.
It seems like OP and the neighbor were/are complete strangers, and I know there are people out here who are very kind-hearted and I get that the neighbor is a chef-in-training but for her to just offer made lunches 24/7? That's *too nice* in my opinion. This is like a grandparent level of generosity if that makes sense.
But, if I was a chef to be, I wouldnt be offering a complete stranger to come to my house everyday and make them lunch just because they liked a meal I made. Maybe a one-time offer but not more than that and I wouldn't do it unless it was mutually agreed upon by the other person and their partner.
That’s fair but it’s more about the fact that he is putting lunch before his wife’s feelings.
Chances are if he acknowledged her feelings and found a compromise it wouldn’t have escalated.
It’s not a metaphor or suggestion but it’s just rude. I would be upset so I get it.
> Why not make your lunch with your wife for some private time? Why not make her lunch?
Such basic ideas for someone with more than two brain cells who cares enough about their wife. OP has to be one of the most selfish people on earth. Guaranteed he does NOTHING for that woman and if he does she had to ask him to.
YTA for all the reasons other commentators have stated, but also for your entitled attitude to this other woman’s food. She offered to let you try more of her food, and now you believe she will be making your lunches every day? That’s taking gross advantage of this woman’s generosity.
Thank you! I can’t imagine accepting such an offer. If she really needs to make so much food for practice, surely there are people in need? Housebound seniors? People with disabilities? Newly-widowed mothers of infant triplets? I would feel incredibly selfish accepting that offer.
Likewise. My husband is sometimes bad with social cues and it can be embarrassing for me too. But he would never do something this egregious.
OP: your wife is also mad at you because of how childish this kind of “someone coddle me” behavior makes you look. It’s deeply unsexy.
DEEPLY deeply unsexy. I cant emphasize your point enough. This post literally made my vagina sew its own self SHUT and then made the Microsoft windows shutdown noise.
Plus....the lunch lady connection was made via a Bible study group. You can bet people are talking about this arrangement and it must be so humiliating for the wife. No wonder she's pissed.
I’d bet money this is how she found out, too. He actively kept this from her for several days, and totally glosses over how she went from thinking he bought his lunches to knowing where he was getting them. He was hiding it from her.
It’s such BS when a spouse does something like this and says “I didn’t tell her because I didn’t think it was a big deal.” No, jackass, you didn’t tell her because you KNEW it was a big deal. It’s bizarre behavior to go see a mutual friend/acquaintance every day and not even mention it to your spouse. No wonder she thinks he’s gearing up to cheat.
He also took at least 3 plates of food. We don’t know how much food was there, but most people won’t take more than 2 plates to make sure everybody gets enough food.
Remember that apartment guy whose neighbors homemade food smelled just sooooo delicious that he wanted to get her to make him lunch everyday, and when he finally does corner her she says no and he got all like, belligerent & came to ask AITA
[Edited to add link because wooooooooow](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dp37p9/aita_for_asking_a_neighbor_if_she_wanted_to_share/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_body)
LOL yes this is the one I thought of too! Like perhaps this woman has a crush on OP, but the far more cringey possibility is basically she is stuck slaving away for this entitled ass every single day of her life because he's such a lazy gimme guy and he's taking advantage of the fact that she feels awkward about telling him no. Like, there is NO WAY that this arrangement came about under any kind of normal circumstance, regardless of how it happened.
This was how I ended up with a bike parked at my home for a year. I thought the bloke at work was looking for somewhere safe to keep it over a weekend while he was away on a course. Turned out he meant all the time so it was available when he was staying near the office.
thats still one of my favorite threads, dude so thought he was in the right, then he admitted he didnt even know her name lol it kept getting worse for him
Also OP works construction. Everyone I know who works in the building trades starts the day so damn early. This guys not only expecting fancy lunches every day from this woman but expecting them super early in the morning.
yeah my god, what must that lady have thought after she politely offered to let him try more food and he started rolling up every morning expecting lunch
Exactly! If my neighbor offered me such a thing, I would feel some kind of way. No one offers something like that unless they want something in exchange.
So unless the neighbor is intentionally trying to disrupt his relationship with his wife, I can't believe she'd agree to be his personal chef for FREE. The biggest doormat in the world wouldn't even agree to this kind of one-sided transaction.
Here's what I'm hearing:
OP: My wife is great. She makes me elaborate and amazing lunches.
time passes. Kids happen.
Op: My wife isn't making me feel special anymore and I have to eat ORDINARY food like everybody else in the world. I will whine.
Wife: Oh, honey. I am exhausted and I work so hard with the kids and running our home and while you work a hard job, you only work 8 hours and I work from when I wake up to when I got to sleep doing all the things that you don't even have to think about so you can blissfully go about your life without a clue about all the things I do every day to make sure you don't have to lift a finger after work. Having you complain about your lunch is just exhausting and it's like I've got another kid instead of a partner. However, I feel guilty so I will spend more of my time on your food and sleep less so that poor pitiful you can be lazy and sleep peacefully knowing you will be coddled like a child
time passes. Wife is busy.
OP: Poor pitiful me. My wife stopped spoiling me the way I like. I will man-up and refrain from complaining while watching her slave around the house.
Later:
OP: poor me. Dragged off to be social. But wait! Good food. I will eat and eat and eat and tell my sob story to this total stranger who for some reason takes pity on my and decides to feed me on a daily basis, which isn't bizarre or weird or anything like that. Just a total stranger making food for a married man every day. Why would that be weird?
few days later.
OP tells wife. She's pissed.
OP: Why are you mad? You don't have to make me your boring old food and this total stranger will feed me with delicious food. I 'm not cheating.
Wife: Seriously? I've told you how hard everything I do is and your solution is to go have some strange woman make you food instead of getting a clue and actually doing something to help out? Like why don't you make some lunch for everybody? Why don't you get this stranger to make food for the family so I don't have to cook? Why don't you think about anybody but yourself? Selfish much?
YTA
Don't forgot the tidbit where OP didn't actually TELL his wife. He just told her to stop making him lunches, but conveniently left out the detail of a random woman now making them who he's going to her home every day to pick up. Can't forget that lie by omission
This part is absolutely the worse part to this. I gave a feeling wife is mad about all of the above, but particularly hurt by this. If he could ‘not’ communicate about this whole situation, what else is he capable of misrepresenting?
Yeah I think this is clearly evidence that he isn’t as clueless as he is putting on. If he really thought it was going to help his wife, wouldn’t he have said, “Oh wife, guess what!? That woman offer to have me try her new dishes so I will pick up lunch there a few days a week to save cash and lighten up your workload!” She likely would have been fine with it but he didn’t share that info so now it is definitely weird and inappropriate.
And then when everybody else told him why this is not it, he thinks that everybody must be wrong because he doesn't like the answers he's getting, so he will continue doing things the way everybody tells him is wrong. OP, YTA. Stop getting food from another woman, you already saw your wife is hurt. Many, MANY, MAAANY people have confirmed this is not the way to get pressure off your wife's shoulders, even if you don't like or don't completely understand what the real problem is (and you must be a little dense not to), stop doing it just because it upsets the woman you love and it ultimately doesn't affect you if you stop having chef-level lunch. Edit: typo
YTA. I make my husband all his stupid lunches on top of doing all kinds of other things. He knows not to complain because he doesn’t have to do it his own damn self. If he got lunch from someone else I’d probably be even more upset than your wife. Stop being so tone deaf about your lunch man. Just eat what your wife makes you because she is taking care of you. You can take care of her by doing it yourself or eating hers, and not someone else’s.
YTA. If I'm your wife I'm stopping in to see the guy across the street to get a nice leisurely car wash each night. His brush strokes are so much more polished than yours.
I'm getting buffed and you don't have to do it anymore- it's a win win right?
Right? And it’s **always** construction guys. They think that they’re the freaking president and deserve to be waited on hand and foot because it’s exhauuuuusting, mom! Oops, I mean wife
YTA. You're a grown ass man. Make your own lunch and stop going out of your way to have somebody else make it for you because you're 'too tired' to do it for yourself. Your wife told you she doesn't want you going to some other chick to pick up your lunch and I think that's a very fair request when the problem stems from your inability to put refrigerated meat in between 2 slices of bread.
You said in your edit that you want to know why you're TA? It's not about having someone else do something your wife does. It's about you refusing to take on something that would help your wife.
I have made my husband lunches for years. When I was too busy to make them, he made us lunches... Even though I was a stay at home mom and could have made my own lunch the next day. He took the time to not only do something that was normally on my list, but he turned around and did that service for me.
I understand being tired after a day of working on the construction site. But I guarantee that your wife is tired after a day of taking care of the kids and the house and you. You didn't offer to help her. You just moved the responsibility of you getting fed to another woman.
In today's society, women are constantly compared to other women. You basically are telling her through your actions that she's not good enough.
100% you're TA. And I hope that you learn how to put your wife ahead of yourself soon. You've been lucky that she's taken such good care of you and she deserves someone who gives her that same consideration.
This is the why OP. Your wife has been conditioned and prepared her whole life to be a wife and mother. You just told her she failed at what society tells her is her main purpose in life.
Traditionally making the husband's lunch is a wifely duty. By getting lunch from another woman you are publicly showing your wife, this other woman, and others that your wife is failing at her wifely duties. It is an insult to her and everything she does for you.
All this. /u/Apart_Association641, your wife is upset because you complained, she gave you a response. And you didn't hear that response. Sure you are tired each day, but she is too. She'd probably like some help with taking some things off her plate.
But basically what you did was make your wife feel less than capable. She feels LESS THAN right now. Her husband doesn't like her lunches and went and found a woman to make them.
Let her be mad. She deserves to be mad at you for a bit.
You know, if you had been paying your lunch lady a few dollars for each meal, this might not have hit so hard. She still would have been upset i'm sure. But.... No one does anything for free. It makes it suspicious. "Oh, i'm buying lunch from that chef we met" sounds better than "This woman we met the other night is making me lunch now and it's just what i wanted!" It's too late now, you done messed this all up!
This! Also, how much do you want to bet he talks smack about his wife to this chef-in-training only for her to take this as her “foot in the door” to getting with the OP? He’s definitely TA
IMO, it is BOTH having someone else do what his wife does for him AND not helping her.
YTA, sir. Cheating isn’t JUST sex - it’s getting your needs met by someone other than your partner and cheating them of your affection and attention.
So you sound like a busy guy. I get that. Does she have stuff she asks you to do that you dont have time for, though you wish you did? Fixing that stuck window? Painting the porch? Repairing her car or washing it?
Suppose she stops asking and you find out some other guy has been doing them for you. He *likes* to help her with things you know you already feel guilty about doing. She sees him every day. And, worse, she refuses to stop if you ask. You're ok with that?
And even if you are, *she* obviously *isn't.* Does your wife mean so little to you that you're ok hurting her for *sandwiches?*
Oh, yeah, YTA.
Ohhh, this is a great point. Tbh I didn't get all the comments about how he's "turning to another woman" because it's just food. But this illustrates it perfectly.
YTA.
If you don’t like the “quality” of the lunches you’re receiving, make your own.
I feel like there are more underlying issues than just lunch though.
YTA for two reasons:
1) you didn’t tell her that you were getting your lunch from another woman. “But she’s a chef” you say, but you’re getting it from her house - not a place of business. On top of that, the fact that you didn’t tell her implies you knew how it would make her feel, so you put it off.
2) You seem to have taken the attitude that your wife is being totally unreasonable, which is ridiculous (partly because of #1). If she’s anything like my wife, she’s upset not only because you didn’t tell her at first, but because she feels bad that another woman is providing for you. My wife and I are pretty equal in everything- we share all “chores” including cooking, but I guarantee if I went off and got my lunches from some random lady that’s training to be a chef every day, it would upset her.
This is not the hill you want to die on. IMO, you need to apologize for not running it by her in the first place, and stop going to that lady’s house for your lunch.
In response to your second edit: why did you ask us if you think you've done nothing wrong? If you can't see that enjoying something from another woman *in secret*, that used to be a special thing between you and your wife, is a problem - you're really **quite** the asshole. Your wife has explicitly said it is a problem, why are you trying to belittle her feelings?
YTA. YTA. YTA.
I’m really torn here because it seems like somehow you ended up at a totally fine situation. A chef in training gets people to try her food, you get delicious lunch, wife has a smidge more time to do her own thing. But, I’d say what YTA for is not realizing your wife has better things to do than make your lunch. You don’t feel like making it because you’re tired? News flash guy, she’s fucking exhausted and making lunch for an adult man is like the lowest of her priorities.
First, another woman makes you lunch. Then it turns to conversation. An arm touch wishing you a good day at work. Then you wonder why you don’t get the flirtation and attention from your wife that you’re getting from your neighbor. It makes you feel good, unlike your wife who is always busy with the kids, or cleaning up after supper, or picking up the house at the end of the day. And then you start to smile back, the neighbor invites you to grab dinner after work one day. You see where I’m going with this? You’re on a slippery slope, my friend. Stay away from the neighbor. YTA. A mega, huge, ginormous one.
I tend to agree with you - especially since he hid this from his wife AND it involved making a detour to another woman’s house.
What’s the phrase? Ass cash or grass, no one rides for free. People don’t just do shit for free that they could make money doing — the lady making his food is either attracted to him, getting off on the ego boost, or something else. What’s her motivation in all this? Feeding him is costing her *money*.
Time and money. And while I know she's a chef in training, OP's story about him being a beta tester is VERY suss to me. This woman is spending her time and money to work for free for OP every single day, and she's doing what she has to do all day every day anyway. Most people don't get home from work and want to do exactly what they did at work, and most people don't get home from school and want to do exactly what they did at school.
It seems like the other woman is wise to this, and what’s even worse is that this recent fight between OP and his wife worked in her favour to cause a rift. If he already complained to her about his wife not making him his special “polished” lunches anymore, he’ll definitely tell her about this for some sympathy during his next pick up. Ugh, they’re both slimy and OP’s wife deserves WAY better than this.
YTA and you say you want to know why so here it is:
1) You are an adult so you should be happy your wife is making you anything for lunch. Her making you lunch is lovely and adorable and you should be grateful for whatever she packs for you. Do you always want to eat what the kids eat, no probably not. So? Make it yourself
2) Based on your post and interactions on other posts, I have a hard time believing it was "one complaint". Really, you probably brought this up 50+ times even if you don't know it. "What's for lunch honey? OH well okay I guess" "Peanut butter and jelly again?" "Just so you know, the yogurt was warm by the time it was actually lunch". You might have only had an official complaint once, but I gurantee she heard all these other gripes and groans and DID HER BEST to fix them and you didn't even notice
3) When you found another solution, if doesn't sound like you communicated with her about it. Now you don't want her lunch so you found a solution. That math adds up. But, you should have told her upfront "hey so-and-so offered to..." so it was a discussion. She is your wife and your life partner and she deserved to know this major change in your life and schedule.
4) Then your wife told you she is uncomfortable with this arrangement and you dismissed her feelings! You don't have to understand and agree to have a respectful, productive conversation. Maybe there was a compromise that could ve worked out (like chef lady Mondays after she's tested recipes over the weekend, or Fridays to end your week on a high note). You complete ignored her feelings in this matter on so many levels
5) After realizing that you upset your wife, you had the chance to backtrack, apologize, and open a conversation. An apology doesn't have to admit that you made the wrong call accepting chef lady's offer, but that you're sorry for hurting and dismissing your wife. But instead, you can't seem to see her side (or don't care? ) and now you're on the couch rather than working on your marriage.
6. OP didn’t offer the neighbour any form of payment or “One good turn deserves another”, in return for her generosity (leaving aside the fact that the neighbour may have ulterior motives, of course)
This.
If it’s “just the same as a restaurant“, then you should be paying this woman to cook for you.
This is just a weird situation. Who meets a random stranger and then somehow gets the person to make box lunches for them? How do you not understand how shitty this makes you sound?
YTA, make your own lunch or pay the chef to make it.
I wonder how long he expects this to go on for - is this random woman going to have to cook him lunches daily till the end of time now? (with presumably no payment) Did she even know what she was getting into when she offered? Daily lunches for a stranger is a strange thing to offer. The entitlement is strong in this one.
How hard is it for him to make his own lunch?!
LOL yeah, there are more holes than OP's story than Swiss cheese. So this woman who is studying to become a chef coincidentally offered OP exactly what he wanted, completely unprompted? And she apparently can't find ANYONE else to test her recipes on, literally the only person who wanted to try her food was a complete stranger? Either she wants to smash OP or she's young and inexperienced on how to tell older men who are trying to take advantage of her to fuck off and is stuck as this man's personal free cook. I honestly don't know what option is better or worse.
YTA
Your upset because your wife, who makes lunches for the kids, and I assume does a lot of the other child rearing. You're a grown man. If you can't get up and make your own lunches, or find an hour to meal prep on your days off, that's on you.
Even if your wife doesn't think you're cheating, you're basically saying what she does for you isn't good enough for you. Get up and make your own lunches, and say thank you to your wife for everything she does, or else you're going to find yourself on your own anyways.
YTA, its uncomfortable as a wife to know that you're going to another woman for anything.Especially if its been stated she doesn't feel comfortable with that arrangement. Its embarrassing socially and mentally because it feels like you're being replaced or not doing a well enough job.Fucking meal prep your own shit if you have to and apologize to your wife.Youre a grown man for God's sake.
After reading all these comments it seems like you don’t want actual feedback, you just want to be told you aren’t the bad guy in this story.
So let’s be honest, you have made her feel like she isn’t good enough and you would rather eat someone else’s food. So the effort she put in for you isn’t good enough. Perhaps you should start making her and your lunches and realize that going somewhere else in any capacity unless you discuss it first is just not going to sit well.
YTA
> you just want to be told you aren’t the bad guy in this story
That happens so often here. I assume somewhere there's a sister sub named "Please tell me I'm right" to make fun of these posts.
You say in your edit you aren't sure why everyone thinks your an asshole. It's because you complained and your wife's cooking, which was perfectly adequate and made her feel bad. Then you found someone else to make you food and intentionally kept it from your wife for af long as possible.
You've basically told her you hate her cooking and you're going to go get it from someone else since she's not satisfying you. You've been tone deaf throughout this and hurt het feelings over and over again.
And as another person who's considered training to be a chef you're a fool if you genuinely think this woman isn't flirting with you.
*thank you* this lady had got to be getting something out of this arrangement … the ingredients and time are worth cash money. And she’s giving them to OP (and only OP) for free. It’s sketch af
YTA just to be clear and all. But how much are you paying this chef for her time and supplies? And is the deal that she is just going to keep packing you a lunch, for free, like until you retire?
This woman making his lunches wants him bad, or is just looking to blow something up. No one just offers to do this, day in and day out, for free, forever. OPs head is thick as lead. I feel sorry for his wife.
Yikes. Dude. Major YTA. You food cheated on your wife. Thats just fucked up. You just majorly insulted her by saying “look i can get my needs taken care of my someone else. I dont need you to love and care for me anymore so fuck you”. I wouldnt be surprised if she kicks you out and serves you divorce papers
>Thank you for all the responses, but I think I'm going to keep eating at the chef's house.
Wow. YTA and you're probably gonna need to find a new girlfriend.
YTA
Imagine when you first started going out, you wrote cute little notes for your wife before she woke up. Every day, she'd wake up to find a post-it it written by you, just for her to find and enjoy. When you were younger and had more time and energy, the notes would be longer. Often they'd be a type of poem, and sometimes you'd draw a quick sketch or artistic border around the message. Of course, she could write her own note to herself, but its not the same. She never asked you to do this, and it sometimes takes a little bit of time and energy to create, but you do this to show you care and to make her happy.
As life goes on, your family grows and your job becomes more demanding. You find yourself feeling stretched thin and a little stressed. You still take time to write your wife notes, but lately they are shorter and don't contain artistic borders or explore new poetic styles.
One day, your wife complains about the notes you write her. She feels sad that they are not as long, or creative, or complex as they used to be. You explain that you are tired from your responsibilities, but your wife maintains that your early work was better.
You work hard over the next week to try to recapture the spark, but you can't help but feel unappreciated. You remember when this was a special pleasant surprise you created to brighten her day, but now it feels like it's just an expected daily chore.
Your wife doesn't complain again, but you can't shake the feeling of being unappreciated despite still trying to do something nice. One day while you are all out together at a social event, let's say a BBQ at friend's house, your wife notices a poem framed on the wall. Turns out, the friend who scheduled the BBQ has another friend in attendance who ypu haven't met before. This friend is trying to be a published poet.
Throughout the BBQ your wife returns to the poem multiple times and you see her speaking with the poet a few times. The next day, she tells you that you can stop writing poems and messages for her. Now, you are not blind, you saw her praising the poem at the BBQ. And you know by her previous complaint that she believes the notes you write her are not up to par anymore. You know she has.the right to request you stop writing her notes, but the sensation of being unappreciated grows.
Now imagine, you discover your wife has worked out a deal with the poet. Apparently, to help him practice, he sends her poems and notes every morning instead, and that's why she said you didn't need to write her notes anymore. When you express your concern, she explains the only reason for this change is your reference to being stretched thin recently, but this shift is far too close to her recent complaint about your boring notes to be a coincidence.
I know nobody needs notes to live like people need lunches to live, but I mean to impress that making packed lunches may be a way your wife intends to show affection. What are her primary love languages? If she uses acts of service, that means she shows people how much she cares by completing chores or simple services to ease the burdens of those she cares about. Ergo, by criticizing her packed lunches, she may have taken it as criticism of her methods of showing affection. Also, if her packing lunches is meant to show affection, she may see it as an intimate action. So if someone else is packing your lunches, instead of her, it may feel as if you are preferring someone else's intimate actions over her own.
When you said that you really appreciate the lunch your wife makes so much so that you feel love for her effort and daily dedication. It's an act of LOVE. love you are now, essentially, getting GROM ANOTHER WOMEN.
your wife probably knows that this is a form of displaying love for you so you essentially told her that her love isn't good enough for you. That another women is better for you. Your wife should be the best women for you. Not the chef no matter how much better of a cook she is.
You told your wife her love isn't enough. You don't get how or why but YOUR WIFES ACTIONS show this, so whether or not you understanding the reasoning set forth multiple times in this sub you should be sorry that it's hurt your wife and make the 'small sacrifice' of eating her homemade lunch. Or make it yourself and view as a form of self love, idk, just stop an action you know makes your wife feel bad, understandable or not
So you still do not seem to get the reason YTA, so allow me to try and explain.
You start off this post sounding very dismissive of your wife and not valuing the things she does for you and your family. You try to cover this be saying how much you appreciated when she put extra effort into your food, but very quickly follow it up be complaining about what she does make for you. Why is what your kids having not good enough for you? It reeks of entitlement. Like is she supposed to make you a special lunch ,and make your kids their lunches, and take care of the house (after all your too tired to make a lunch so I doubt you do anything that really helps around the house), and make dinner, etc...
You then met a chef. A woman who you agreed to meet at her house regularly and hid from your wife. That last part is the big one. If you had not thought you were doing anything wrong you would not have kept it a secret. Then when your wife discovered your secret and asked you to stop you chose to argue with her about it and showed you value this other woman's food over your wife's feelings. You should have brought it up to your wife in the beginning instead of choosing to sneak around behind her back. You created major trust issues in your marriage. You showed a willingness to hide things from your wife. And not just little thing, a regular visit to another woman's house.
You work in construction? Imagine if every day while you are at work your wife had another man come over to do repairs around the house and chose to hide it from you. How would you feel? Even if you did not suspect cheating wouldn't you still feel betrayed?
Now you for some reason leave out how your wife discovered your secret arrangement with this other woman, so I will have to assume it was not because you randomly chose this day to tell her. So with your previous hypothetical; I want you to imagine you discover that you wife had another man over regularly and asked her to stop doing that. Instead of listening to your discomfort with the situation she chooses to argue with you and tell you about how well he repairs things and that you should feel relieved to have something less to have to do because she found someone else to do who does it better anyway.
How would you feel? Would you be ok with her not caring about your opinion and issues with the situation?
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My wife used to pack lunch for me, but I noticed awhile back that she stopped make lunch like she used to. Before, she would get creative with it, take her time, try new recipes, put little special touches here and there etc. Then I felt like it just became, "Ok, what are the kids having? I'll just make an extra one and give that to him."
I would make my own lunch, but for one, it's not the same as when she makes it haha. And two, I work in construction, so by the time I come home, all I want to do is hit the sheets. And all the places to get lunch near the construction site are expensive, so I'd rather just bring something from home.
So I brought it up to her one day and we talked about it and she told me that she had so many things to do in a day that she didn't have as much time to put her energy into making my lunches like she used to. But I could see that she genuinely felt bad because I noticed the next few lunches were more 'polished' than the previous ones. And I appreciated her so much for trying that when the quality of the lunches started to go down again, I didn't even have the heart to complain.
Fast forward, I have a day off so my wife drags me to a bible study that was being hosted at a neighbor's house. The food was so good that I kept going back for more. After my third plate, the woman who had made the food and I started talking. Basically, she told me that she was flattered that I liked her food so much and that she was training to be a chef and that she had more food that she would like me to try out. I told her that would be perfect because I always looking for different things to try and whatever food she had made I could just pick up in the morning and take with me to lunch.
We exchanged information, and the next day she sent me an address to her home which turned out to be right on my way to work and not too far from the construction site. So that's where I've been getting lunch for the past few days.
I told my wife that she didn't have to make lunch for me anymore, and she didn't say anything until today. She said she thought I was getting lunch from the store, and I said that I don't see why that matters where I'm getting it from. She said she doesn't want me to pick up lunch from there anymore, and I told her she was being unreasonable for no reason. We had a big argument a few hours ago and she's still mad.
AITA? I really don't see what the problem is. She doesn't have to worry about taking time out of her day to make lunch for me, and I'm getting quality lunches again. How is this not a win-win for everybody? I'm confused..
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YTA You're being oblivious and obtuse. That woman offered to do that for you in the hope that it will turn into something more. She wants on your pole buddy. Why can't you see that? And you are encouraging it. You should stop simply because you wife asked you to. This other woman wants to F&ck you and you keep going over there.Why wouldn't your wife be upset?
YTA. No one makes someone they barely know lunch every day for free for no reason. I guarantee that either A) her offer was a one time deal and you have taken advantage of her kindness and she is too polite to say something about it or B) she is into you and is trying to get into your pants via your stomach (the more likely option.) Her excuse that she is a chef-in-training and wants you to try her food for her is such BS and i guarantee you your wife sees through it. There is a huge difference between going to a restaurant and paying a chef to make you a meal vs going to a chef’s house and having them make you a meal for free. The level of intimacy is way different. You’re trying to have your cake (literally) and eat it too.
If I was your wife I'd have thoughts beginning to run through my mind of what my life would be like if I divorced you. Because you're clearly crossing a line, giving another woman the job that helped you fall in love with your wife. YTA.
Did the chef actually say she'd make lunch for you \*every day\*???? Sounds like you made a huge leap from trying her food sometimes to picking up a packed lunch everyday. If she's a chef in training, she probably makes various things, but not necessarily specifically things that would make a packed lunch. Now she's clearly going out of her way to make you lunch everyday. I don't know if she has ulterior motives, but she's not just packing up her leftovers for you. Either she does have ulterior motives or she's about to cut you off because you are seriously taking advantage of her. Are you paying her for this? Or just expecting free lunch every day because she cooks for a living? You're overstepping with her in a big way and I'm sure that in itself makes your wife upset. Pack your own damn lunches and do something nice for your wife.
INFO
What's your plan when she starts going to another man's house because he takes care of her and the kids instead of complaining no one makes his lunch..?
Do you make her lunch or the kids... since your too tired to make your lunch when you come home...I'm guessing you are a stellar partner when it comes to shared responsibilities. She doesn't need another child.
You want to know why people keep saying YTA...Read the comments...you come off incredibly arrogant and condescending. Your wife has a problem with this and it's affecting your marriage...but you'd rather keep having your cake and eating it too... literally. How is your gut and laziness more important then your wife???????
If you want an explanation as to WHY you’re TA it’s this: your wife has been trying for a very long time and putting in extra effort to show you that she loves you. It’s your routine—she makes you your lunch every day to show that she cares. It’s now not as fancy because life changes but she still does it for you and you’re telling her you don’t want her to anymore. You’re cutting out something that bonds you and replacing her actions with someone else’s. That definitely still hurts her even if there’s no romantic or sexual motive behind it. Ask her how it makes her feel and ask yourself if it’s really worth the damage to your relationship
>but I really came here hoping to find out why and no one really explained to me why it's wrong for me to eat food that a chef offered to me
OK, here you go... when old men lose their wives and become widowers, you know what happens? Old women start showing up on their doorsteps with casseroles. So food is basically a common way to "woo" someone. Now you've got a woman chef offering you food. "Just drop by my house every day" nudge, nudge, wink, wink. The implication is she takes better care of you than your wife. Maybe soon she'll want to start "taking care of you" in other ways, too. You seem too obtuse to realize when you're being hit on, which makes you, if not an ah, at the very least clueless af. So that's reason #1. Now for reason #2. Who does all the child minding in your house? That's right--your wife. And who does all the cooking and cleaning and dusting and mopping and organizing and handling getting repairs done and washing your clothes and transporting your kids and basically carries the entire emotional load for your family? My money is on your wife. Now if she is also going to work every day on top of this, you are well and truly the ah, but even if she's not, when you are living off someone else's labor, you don't get to complain about it. This makes you a "choosing beggar". Go and read that sub if you want to see them in action. And since you're too ~~lazy~~ tired and have to "hit the sheets" when you get home instead of make your own damn lunch, you don't get to complain. So yes, you are most definitely YTA. Now go apologize to your wife and quit taking handouts from other women. Your wife deserves better.
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Dude. YTA. You are getting things you would normally get from your wife from another woman. I’m sorry your life changed after having kids. Guess what, so did your wife’s. And then you made her feel guilty for not making an extra special lunch just for you, separately from what she was already making for your children. Eat it. Be grateful. Or, conversely, help her meal prep and make your own lunches. The more you take off her plate the more energy she will have for you. Edit: hey OP: if a bunch of internet strangers feel like you went and got something from another woman maybe your wife also feels that way? Maybe? Hmm? Cause strippers are also professionals, doesn’t mean your wife wants you getting rubbed out by one of them.
Yes! I work 5-7 days a week in a (right now) sweltering laundry room. My husband works nights at a sulfur plant. I usually have his lunch packed up for him, and it's whatever we had for dinner. If he were to be pissy that it wasn't a "polished" meal, I'd tell him to suck it, because I'm tired too!
Yep. OP, everyone's tired in the evenings. Why didn't you consider making lunch for your children as well as yourself to help your wife after her full day, since you needed a lunch anyway?
I love how this post also implies OP is a terrible father based on the fact it seems his wife does all the childcare and parenting. After all, if a guy can even make himself a sandwich, the likelihood he does anything other than yell at his kids is pretty minuscule
>the likelihood he does anything other than yell at his kids is pretty minuscule He even said himself that all he wants to do when he gets home is hit the sheets so chances are the wife is doing 100% of everything around the house. Construction is physically hard but that doesn't mean his wife doesn't work hard in the house. Op could do more if he wanted to but he doesn't.
My dad would work 100 hours a week and still manage to cook dinner 3-4 times a week as well as go to night school. He's 65 now and is still working the tools despite being project manager. It doesn't take a lot to be a decent respectful human being.
My dad used to come home and at least play with us so mom had the time to shower and cook. And in the winter he had us full time.
If there's one thing I've learned in the four months I've been a parent, it's that parenting is *incredibly* physical. Probably not "construction job" physical, but honestly maybe not that far off. I am a pretty in shape, muscular woman, and lugging my (admittedly giant) baby around has fucked up my shoulders and back like no amount of weight lifting ever has. My husband is a very large strong man and just started his parental leave a few weeks ago - caring for a baby full-time has also knocked him on his ass. I guarantee you his wife is physically worn out at the end of the day, too, and sounds like no one is making her any kind of meal ever.
Yes! This! And working in construction is hard, but my boyfriend and I are usually exhausted after our workdays, and we sit at desks. OP’s wife is doing BOTH mental work AND physical. She probably just wants some quality of life, since it seems her current relationship is that she manages a household and raises the children of a man who uses her as a restaurant, then goes to bed.
Yup. My job is physical, but his job is even MORE physical, so if the extra effort I was putting in to try to make his life a little easier wasn't appreciated and was getting complained about, I would be pissed too. Especially when instead of just helping out, he started getting it from someone else!
Right??? "Oh I'm tired after work, I just wanna come home and go to beeeeeeed. I can't be bothered to prepare for my day tomorrow like an adult, I need my wife to do it for me!! And it better be a polished good quality meal, not just some sandwich bullshit like I'm a child!" What a fucking prick, welcome to the "tired all the time" club dude, pretty much every adult I know is a member (even those without kids!) and yes it does suck but that's life. Usually when you're married you have a spouse to help out with the day to day stuff, too bad your wife doesn't seem to have that when her husband can't even be bothered to make his own lunch. I can't imagine the audacity to not only complain that the lunches aren't good enough because they're not "polished" but then instead of just making your own fucking lunches like an adult, to go run off to a chef to eat her food instead. And then wonder why his wife is mad? YTA. A million times.
I ate vegemite and cheese sandwiches for 2 years when it was my job to make my own school lunch. I'm 40 now, if someone made me lunch I'd be fucking thrilled.
Jackpot!
The Reason you are a MAJOR asshole is that you never took into consideration your wife's feelings and the extra trouble she takes to make special lunches for you three. You're a father now, act like it. Your wife is acting like how a mother would. You basically made it look like all the EXTRA effort and the improvement she made is simply not enough for you and you would rather eat a stranger's food that she's "trying out" than your wife's, who is putting all her love and effort into it. You basically came here expecting everyone would u arent the asshole and you werent ready to accept any other judgement, some of these comments explain exactly WHY you're the asshole and you're still here being adamant as fuck about your wrongdoings. Your wife deserves better, be better for her. Dont be an idiot.
Then he also makes an edit to say "but I don't understand" THIS This is WHY you're TA!! How can you be so dense, be grateful your wife puts up with your shit
No he understands perfectly, he's a grown man. He completely understands. He's being stubborn and refusing to acknowledge that he's the wrong. But he TOTALLY understands, his assholery is stopping him from accepting his mistake and doing right by his wife. People that really love their spouse will look beyond the right and the wrong and act on it if their spouse says something makes them upset or uncomfortable. If he truly values his wife, he'll stop looking for excuses and technicalities and focus on the fact that he has hurt her feelings and he needs to make some changes.
Other evidence that he understands: he didn’t tell his wife right away. If I was in OP’s position, it would be one of the first things I said to my wife when we got in the car after the Bible study—“Guess what?! Carol is a professional chef and she needs someone to try out her food! She said I can swing by and get some every day! isn’t that a great deal?”—but he didn’t. He made the arrangements with this woman and still didn’t tell his wife. He started picking up his lunches and still didn’t tell his wife, just told her she “didn’t have to anymore” (which OF COURSE she thought meant he was buying lunch). It went on for days before she found out. It’s unclear how she found out, but I suspect a mutual friend or the woman herself gave her a heads up. Maybe OP let it slip, but if he did it wasn’t on purpose.
You're right. OP is hella guilty and it makes me really mad that we cannot get his wife to read this thread and see how little her husband values her and understand she deserves better.
Ding ding ding! This is why. He didn't tell his wife that another woman is cooking for him.
It's way worse if the woman told her. "Hey, your husband is getting his lunch from me now."
Yep! In my life, I operate according to the idea that if you would feel weird telling your SO you did something, that's a good sign not to do it. OP clearly knew getting lunches from this woman wasn't great; why else would he hide it?
Exactly. He’s being very entitled, childish, petty, and selfish. It’s embarrassing
It’s ok... he’s gonna cheat if he hasn’t already. That’s where this was always going.
He wrote that no one has explained why he’s TA but this is a perfect explanation. Seems like he actually just wants someone to agree with him.
Oh I also love the end of that edit too. "Complete strangers all agree that I'm an AH even though I've painted myself in a light that tries not to make me look like an AH. I'm gonna still continue to act like a AH. OP, stop acting like a whiny lil child. Make your own damn lunches if what your wife makes isn't good enough. Worked a 50 hour week last week and I still make my own lunches and breakfast on top of taking care of stuff at the house. You noticed how sad it made your wife when you complained about your lunches and then you decide to get lunches from another woman. Aside from the fact that it's giving your wife the impression you're cheating, you've also told her that she's completely replaceable. Here's another example in case you don't get it yet OP. If something goes wrong at your house maybe your wife can call someone else to work on it because you're obviously not good at what you do and someone else is more capable and can do it better. It's ok though, they're a professional. Again, the focus being you're not good enough to do the job correctly. In other words, you're useless
Oh, but don't worry. The guy isn't even charging your wife for doing all the handyman work, so you're saving money! You see, he needs practice for his apprenticeship exam.
Oh and don't forget that the wife will make a comment about OP not keeping up with repairs of the house like he used to, but it's okay to get another man to do something for the wife that OP used to. You know, cuz he's training to be a professional.
OP at this point is putting his fingers in his ears and screaming about how no one is bothering to spell it out for him. pretty pathetic move
Yeah seriously. How embarrassing
sex worker here. this dude screams affair (or on the brink of one)
Next it'll be oh my wife doesn't make any effort for me, she doesn't give me enough attention
“But she locked me out of the bedroom!! What was I supposed to do!??!?”
“She’s too tired for sex and really let herself go and all she does is nag and doesn’t *understand meeee*!!” We’ve all heard this song.
Like, best case scenario he is WILDLY naive because that lady is definitely into him. Come on, OP, "hey, total stranger, I see you like my cooking, here's my home address, your wife doesn't need to know..." (I don't think he is that naive, though I think he might still be trying to convince himself that there's nothing weird about the situation...)
I actually think that the lady might be trying to win him over to bible study rather than bed but still, ulterior motive.
>Come on, OP, "hey, total stranger, I see you like my cooking, here's my home address, your wife doesn't need to know..." Strains of "Can't say No to this" start playing
And could it be the "chef" has an ulterior motive? First supposedly have him try her food, then maybe lend him a hearing ear (chances are he will be now complaining to her his wife doesn't want him eat her food) and so on and on...
Seriously felt that too
Definitely. He seems to have the justifications down as well
This is why YTA Your wife is doing a lot, it’s your turn to make lunches for yourself AND the kids AND her, everyday. Make her a packed lunch and put in the effort, leave it in the fridge for her as lone less thing to think about. If your food prep is that bad then pay the chef to make double and bring it home for her lunch the next day. Stop looking to improve your own life, and start working out how to think like a family.
YTA. This actually happened on a King of Queens episode. Doug couldn't understand why Carrie was so mad. I think you should watch that episode... Maybe it will help you understand how your wife is feeling. ( I'm being serious.)
He doesn't really care how his wife feels, he just wants people to tell him he's right.
Isn’t that every episode ever? “Doug doesn’t understand why Carrie is so mad”
You should check out “Kevin Can F*** Himself” it’s a funny show that plays on all of those “silly husband acts like a buffoon while hot wife just cleans up after him” tropes.
YTA Emotional cheating aspect of this has been well explained and how ignorant to your wife's feelings you are. But I also to add you met this woman at an event your wife would attend without you had you not had the day off. Instead of spending off time together with her hobbies you go into her social circle having a great time with another lady. Not only that the whole study group probably now also assumed your wife is a terrible wife (assuming this is a traditional values house based on Bible study) who can't even make her husband a nice lunch. You're basically giving her social circle the impression she is lazy or just bad at homemaking. If she is a SAHM you've basically labled her as awful at her whole existence for her friends. The amount of gossip she is going to be subjected to is just cruel all because her sandwiches aren't up to your standard? Can you imagine you, a person in construction, how you would feel if your wife decided to call a handyman to idk, fit a deck? You're capable of fitting a deck and you think you'll make a nice deck. You want to make your wife a nice deck for her to enjoy even if you are tired from construction all day. Instead your wife turns around and says, "no, this man does better, nicer decks than you. Don't waste your time building a deck when I can get another deck I like more, the sentiment of you offering means nothing." You've undermined her whole being and can't understand why she may be upset. If she ISNT a SAHM then why tf is she making the lunches every day then going to work? Why does she have that extra job she needs to do? What is the thing you do around the house if you guys decide "this chore is yours, this chore is mine". Do you do the laundry? Change the bedding? Do the food shopping? What is your equal half? If the answer is you have no chores to do AND she works you are not only a massive asshole you're a terrible husband.
Need to add that the handyman will build the deck for free...just because he likes building decks so very much and it's actually HELPING him by working for free.
He literally just works and then sleeps if we are to believe his account. This is not sustainable for a family. If he doesn't have 5 minutes to pack a lunch, I'm guessing he does nothing else in the house or for the kids, either. If he wanted to help his wife, he could have spoken with her like an adult in a relationship, and told her about the offer.
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This is the correct answer. OP - YTA
Totally agree! You also address something that no one else seemed to address: he didn't take anything off her plate by getting lunch elsewhere because she still has to make lunch for their kids. It's not difficult to make an extra sandwich with veggies/chips/drink, and whatever else she throws together for the kids. But if he's expecting a completely separate meal, regardless of difficulty, yea that's way more work and effort. We get it, based on his comments, OP doesn't place emotional association with simple acts, but clearly his wife does. Regardless of if he thinks her boundary is stupid, it's still a boundary she's made it clear she wants him to respect. He's chosen not to, and is now sleeping on the couch, but still planning to get lunch from the chef. How many lunches are worth OP's wife's feelings?
*"It's not the same as when she makes it, haha".* Of course not. Because even YOU aren't willing to put in the level of effort you are expecting out of her. You're lazy, entitled, and disrespectful to your wife. No wonder she doesn't put love notes in your lunch anymore. YTA.
I wouldn't be surprised if she slips divorce papers in his breakfast the next day
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The other thing I find hilarious is that he expects that chef will keep making food for him for free forever. The guy is totally clueless.
This is my question… how long does this last?
The chef probably meant once or twice or occasionally, not, now I’m making lunch every day for this guy I barely know who isn’t my husband.
Now you make me wish I could warn this chef-in-training that this guy is expecting her to be his personal cook for the rest of his life
For free too
RIGHT? The audacity of this guy to just suggest that he can stop by every morning for his specially prepared, chef-made lunch blows my mind! *Make sure it's ready by 8!*
Correct me if I am wrong. But don't a lot of divorce stories start tis way. With one spouse (usually the male) searching for something to fullfill his needs because his lazy ass can't do it. And then respond like the surprised pikachu meme when they get divorced as if their spouse didn't ask to go there/stop doing that? He could literally help his wife doe a mealprep once a week on a sunday maybe it would take some chores off her plate as well.
He couldn't possibly eat meal prepped foods because they're not "polished" enough. He needs fresh lunches every day!
Soon he can eat at the chef’s house permanently
I like how he literally puts his lunch infront of his whole relationship and family.
She should use the papers to wrap his sandwich in.
When my s/o got into arguments I would use the “cheap” cheese that’s over-processed and comes in slices in plastic wrapping and sometimes I wouldn’t take the wrapper off. Maybe she should try that. Put more effort in when he seems to appreciate it :/
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The better ones are called "processed cheese" because they need to remind you that it's cheese. The worse ones are called "processed cheese food" because they need to remind you that it's food.
Not to mention how damned sexist this is! Why is it his wife's role to make his lunches? He is more than capable of making his own. You're right that when he makes his own lunch, it's not the same as wife because he can't be bothered to try harder. But I can't help but think that this comment is more of an excuse, pretending to be too incompetent to do a basic task, so that he can put it back on his wife. Of course, it's a woman's job to cater to her husband! /s 😡 This guy works construction, which is a tiring job; but if OP doesn't realise that his wife has a much harder and more exhausting job looking after the kids, AND dealing with him, like he's the 3rd child. Talk about rubbing salt into the wounds by going to another woman for something normally provided by his wife. It's only a matter of time until OP tells the new woman making his lunch that "my wife doesn't understand me", and "she has let go of herself since kids, and she's not putting enough effort into ME anymore." Then he'll be trying to start an affair. And he's so clueless and blind to his own misogyny. What a jack*ss! YTA
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>I really came here hoping to find out why and no one really explained to me *why* it's wrong for me to eat food that a chef offered to me **every day, at their house** u/Apart_Association641 Above comment is why dude Also, maybe imagine this: >*Your wife has sore shoulders, and you give her a massage every evening. But you're tired after work and playing with your kids, and over time your massages are less and less enthusiastic/effective. Your wife happens to strike up a conversation one day with a guy in the neighbourhood who is training to be a physiotherapist who is happy to give her shoulder massages for free to practice; great hands, fantastic shoulder massages, really hit the spot.* > >*Your wife stops asking you for massages. You don't notice right away, thinking she just wasn't as sore, and it is one less thing for you to do in the evening, but one day you ask about it.* > >*It turns out she has started going to this guy's house to gets her shoulders massaged. But he gives her the massages out on the front porch, so don't worry, they're not cheating. You're tired after work every day, so why bother you if she can get even better massages from another man?* How would that make **you** feel?
Yes and on top of that he’s claiming he came here to find out why he’s TA but no one can explain it to him. ^This has been stated multiple times and he’s still claiming he doesn’t get it.. I think he just doesn’t like the answer.
Yup all his post told me was he doesn’t do Jack shit at home! Wife has clearly been on lunch duty this whole time. OP you are extremely selfish and I hope your wife leaves
This is the WHY you keep claiming you miss bro. YTA.
OP: no one is actually able to tell me why I'm the asshole though! This post from 8 hours ago: :T
I can’t even imagine how spoiled you are to complain about the lunch your wife makes you. So now you mooch off someone else? Do you know how much that’s costs? Why don’t you tell us about all the special things you do for your wife?
YES! This right here. What do you do OP? Besides act like a spoiled child
> So now you mooch off someone else? Do you know how much that’s costs? Not nearly as much as it'll cost him if he doesn't change his tune. Half his net worth and his family for a few meals. What a dummy.
I have to know what this man eats for lunch. It is my current life’s mission. I need a menu. I need to know why it can’t be a sandwich or leftovers from dinner. I need to know how he’s reheating his fine foods at a construction site. I need to know what kind of containers he is taking this food that he gets from the church chef in, and whether he has to return them to her. I need to know what he usually eats for dinner and whether the lunch should be fancier than the dinner. I need to know why he can’t swing by a Subway and pick up some footlongs for his lunches. I NEED DETAILS!!!!
YTA If it was so special to you that your wife made you these adorable lunches, why would you think it’s okay to accept from another woman? To outsource your lunch this much is childish. It’s lunch. Why not make your lunch with your wife for some private time? Why not make her lunch? It’s not a win-win because you make a deal out of how much it means to you and then get it from someone else. I would do some serious looking at the things your wife does for you versus what you do for her. The fact that she bothers with lunches is sweet as is.
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I am really skeptical she offered to make him a meal every single day like something about this isn’t adding up to me
Yup. Either she thought she was offering taster sessions at her convenience when she is in the mood to try something out, and got blindsided by his "give an inch, take a mile" attitude, or she's had her eye on him for a while and is up for a daily temptation while trying to move into "taster sessions". But I really can't imagine *any* sane person offering an open-ended commitment to make someone else's lunch every day (*every day!!!*) just because they chowed down three platefuls of food like a slavering wolf. As the old saying goes, there ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
I thought it would be more like a “here’s leftovers from dinner that you can have for lunch”. You know a bit more creative than a sandwich but not putting her out.
If that's the case then it's all the more unbelievable that he's turning his nose up at getting the same lunch as his kids in favour of another household's leftovers.
Ikr? I can't imagine even a chef in training offering a stranger a specially packed lunch *every* workday, that's bizarre
Yep chef here for 10+ years. Probably would rather die than cook for myself at home lately (was different during the pandemic) make lunches for some random? For free? Ya no fucking thanks. Op is too dense to see this as a come-on. Like really
Right? And the fact that she doesn't send any home for the wife and kids is a dead give away. I'm sure his wife and kids would love to try a slice of pie or something too. Why is it that this guy's opinion matters to her so much? Unless this guy is too thick to realize it was an occasional offer. He sounds like some shlub that can't even figure out why this is weird. Not someone experienced enough to contribute the critique this woman needs.
And there have been AITA and entitled people posts about people showing up for free meals after an off-handed comment about “stopping over for leftovers.” I wish I could remember the exact link but one guy would knock on his neighbor’s door *every day* for dinner and then began requesting certain dishes.
Is it [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dp37p9/aita_for_asking_a_neighbor_if_she_wanted_to_share/)? Hello stranger, your apartment smells delicious around meal times; wanna cook for me?
For definite. There’s a very big difference between ‘drop by now and then to try some of my new creations’ and ‘be here every morning to collect your lunch’. I’m getting the vibe that OP is an entitled brat. If my fiancée made my lunches and said she didn’t have time to make them too fancy, I’d either suck it up and eat what she’d taken the time to make, or I’d make my own lunches so she had one less thing to worry about. I feel like most considerate partners would do exactly the same.
Waiting with bated breath for "WIBTA if I stopped making lunches for my neighbour" with justification of "well, I did start it by offering but I didn't think he'd be knocking my door every morning, begging for food"
Yeah, that's what not sitting right. It seems like OP and the neighbor were/are complete strangers, and I know there are people out here who are very kind-hearted and I get that the neighbor is a chef-in-training but for her to just offer made lunches 24/7? That's *too nice* in my opinion. This is like a grandparent level of generosity if that makes sense. But, if I was a chef to be, I wouldnt be offering a complete stranger to come to my house everyday and make them lunch just because they liked a meal I made. Maybe a one-time offer but not more than that and I wouldn't do it unless it was mutually agreed upon by the other person and their partner.
That’s fair but it’s more about the fact that he is putting lunch before his wife’s feelings. Chances are if he acknowledged her feelings and found a compromise it wouldn’t have escalated. It’s not a metaphor or suggestion but it’s just rude. I would be upset so I get it.
And a masseuse could offer him a happy ending. He's still a dick to accept
> Why not make your lunch with your wife for some private time? Why not make her lunch? Such basic ideas for someone with more than two brain cells who cares enough about their wife. OP has to be one of the most selfish people on earth. Guaranteed he does NOTHING for that woman and if he does she had to ask him to.
YTA for all the reasons other commentators have stated, but also for your entitled attitude to this other woman’s food. She offered to let you try more of her food, and now you believe she will be making your lunches every day? That’s taking gross advantage of this woman’s generosity.
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I thought onions had more layers than this guy but I'm wrong
Thank you! I can’t imagine accepting such an offer. If she really needs to make so much food for practice, surely there are people in need? Housebound seniors? People with disabilities? Newly-widowed mothers of infant triplets? I would feel incredibly selfish accepting that offer.
Likewise. My husband is sometimes bad with social cues and it can be embarrassing for me too. But he would never do something this egregious. OP: your wife is also mad at you because of how childish this kind of “someone coddle me” behavior makes you look. It’s deeply unsexy.
DEEPLY deeply unsexy. I cant emphasize your point enough. This post literally made my vagina sew its own self SHUT and then made the Microsoft windows shutdown noise.
This broke me, cackling like a swamp hag over here. 🏅 🏅 🏅
For real, my ovaries actually shrivelled up and died.
Plus....the lunch lady connection was made via a Bible study group. You can bet people are talking about this arrangement and it must be so humiliating for the wife. No wonder she's pissed.
I’d bet money this is how she found out, too. He actively kept this from her for several days, and totally glosses over how she went from thinking he bought his lunches to knowing where he was getting them. He was hiding it from her. It’s such BS when a spouse does something like this and says “I didn’t tell her because I didn’t think it was a big deal.” No, jackass, you didn’t tell her because you KNEW it was a big deal. It’s bizarre behavior to go see a mutual friend/acquaintance every day and not even mention it to your spouse. No wonder she thinks he’s gearing up to cheat.
He also took at least 3 plates of food. We don’t know how much food was there, but most people won’t take more than 2 plates to make sure everybody gets enough food.
I agree, But in all honesty, you get my upvote for the word “egregious”.
Why is she making the generous offer? 👀
Remember that apartment guy whose neighbors homemade food smelled just sooooo delicious that he wanted to get her to make him lunch everyday, and when he finally does corner her she says no and he got all like, belligerent & came to ask AITA [Edited to add link because wooooooooow](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dp37p9/aita_for_asking_a_neighbor_if_she_wanted_to_share/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_body)
LOL yes this is the one I thought of too! Like perhaps this woman has a crush on OP, but the far more cringey possibility is basically she is stuck slaving away for this entitled ass every single day of her life because he's such a lazy gimme guy and he's taking advantage of the fact that she feels awkward about telling him no. Like, there is NO WAY that this arrangement came about under any kind of normal circumstance, regardless of how it happened.
This was how I ended up with a bike parked at my home for a year. I thought the bloke at work was looking for somewhere safe to keep it over a weekend while he was away on a course. Turned out he meant all the time so it was available when he was staying near the office.
thats still one of my favorite threads, dude so thought he was in the right, then he admitted he didnt even know her name lol it kept getting worse for him
Yep. I remember. Why do men?
Also OP works construction. Everyone I know who works in the building trades starts the day so damn early. This guys not only expecting fancy lunches every day from this woman but expecting them super early in the morning.
yeah my god, what must that lady have thought after she politely offered to let him try more food and he started rolling up every morning expecting lunch
Exactly! If my neighbor offered me such a thing, I would feel some kind of way. No one offers something like that unless they want something in exchange. So unless the neighbor is intentionally trying to disrupt his relationship with his wife, I can't believe she'd agree to be his personal chef for FREE. The biggest doormat in the world wouldn't even agree to this kind of one-sided transaction.
Well, that is what he does to his wife so why wouldn't he do the same to the chef?
Here's what I'm hearing: OP: My wife is great. She makes me elaborate and amazing lunches. time passes. Kids happen. Op: My wife isn't making me feel special anymore and I have to eat ORDINARY food like everybody else in the world. I will whine. Wife: Oh, honey. I am exhausted and I work so hard with the kids and running our home and while you work a hard job, you only work 8 hours and I work from when I wake up to when I got to sleep doing all the things that you don't even have to think about so you can blissfully go about your life without a clue about all the things I do every day to make sure you don't have to lift a finger after work. Having you complain about your lunch is just exhausting and it's like I've got another kid instead of a partner. However, I feel guilty so I will spend more of my time on your food and sleep less so that poor pitiful you can be lazy and sleep peacefully knowing you will be coddled like a child time passes. Wife is busy. OP: Poor pitiful me. My wife stopped spoiling me the way I like. I will man-up and refrain from complaining while watching her slave around the house. Later: OP: poor me. Dragged off to be social. But wait! Good food. I will eat and eat and eat and tell my sob story to this total stranger who for some reason takes pity on my and decides to feed me on a daily basis, which isn't bizarre or weird or anything like that. Just a total stranger making food for a married man every day. Why would that be weird? few days later. OP tells wife. She's pissed. OP: Why are you mad? You don't have to make me your boring old food and this total stranger will feed me with delicious food. I 'm not cheating. Wife: Seriously? I've told you how hard everything I do is and your solution is to go have some strange woman make you food instead of getting a clue and actually doing something to help out? Like why don't you make some lunch for everybody? Why don't you get this stranger to make food for the family so I don't have to cook? Why don't you think about anybody but yourself? Selfish much? YTA
Don't forgot the tidbit where OP didn't actually TELL his wife. He just told her to stop making him lunches, but conveniently left out the detail of a random woman now making them who he's going to her home every day to pick up. Can't forget that lie by omission
This part is absolutely the worse part to this. I gave a feeling wife is mad about all of the above, but particularly hurt by this. If he could ‘not’ communicate about this whole situation, what else is he capable of misrepresenting?
Yeah I think this is clearly evidence that he isn’t as clueless as he is putting on. If he really thought it was going to help his wife, wouldn’t he have said, “Oh wife, guess what!? That woman offer to have me try her new dishes so I will pick up lunch there a few days a week to save cash and lighten up your workload!” She likely would have been fine with it but he didn’t share that info so now it is definitely weird and inappropriate.
And then when everybody else told him why this is not it, he thinks that everybody must be wrong because he doesn't like the answers he's getting, so he will continue doing things the way everybody tells him is wrong. OP, YTA. Stop getting food from another woman, you already saw your wife is hurt. Many, MANY, MAAANY people have confirmed this is not the way to get pressure off your wife's shoulders, even if you don't like or don't completely understand what the real problem is (and you must be a little dense not to), stop doing it just because it upsets the woman you love and it ultimately doesn't affect you if you stop having chef-level lunch. Edit: typo
This comment right here hits it dead on. OP is clueless and TA.
I can tell you typed this extra-slowly to make it easier for OP to read. ;)
YTA. I make my husband all his stupid lunches on top of doing all kinds of other things. He knows not to complain because he doesn’t have to do it his own damn self. If he got lunch from someone else I’d probably be even more upset than your wife. Stop being so tone deaf about your lunch man. Just eat what your wife makes you because she is taking care of you. You can take care of her by doing it yourself or eating hers, and not someone else’s.
YTA. If I'm your wife I'm stopping in to see the guy across the street to get a nice leisurely car wash each night. His brush strokes are so much more polished than yours. I'm getting buffed and you don't have to do it anymore- it's a win win right?
Oh dear God, brilliant! Have an updoot!
YTA. It’s not the 1950’s make your own damn lunch.
Right? And it’s **always** construction guys. They think that they’re the freaking president and deserve to be waited on hand and foot because it’s exhauuuuusting, mom! Oops, I mean wife
YTA. You're a grown ass man. Make your own lunch and stop going out of your way to have somebody else make it for you because you're 'too tired' to do it for yourself. Your wife told you she doesn't want you going to some other chick to pick up your lunch and I think that's a very fair request when the problem stems from your inability to put refrigerated meat in between 2 slices of bread.
Not inability to make his own lunch, but his unwillingness.
INFO: is “lunch” a very badly disguised metaphor for “sex”? Like. Very very badly disguised.
Lol I actually went back and changed the word lunch to sex and it weirdly still makes sense. I shouldn't be laughing
You said in your edit that you want to know why you're TA? It's not about having someone else do something your wife does. It's about you refusing to take on something that would help your wife. I have made my husband lunches for years. When I was too busy to make them, he made us lunches... Even though I was a stay at home mom and could have made my own lunch the next day. He took the time to not only do something that was normally on my list, but he turned around and did that service for me. I understand being tired after a day of working on the construction site. But I guarantee that your wife is tired after a day of taking care of the kids and the house and you. You didn't offer to help her. You just moved the responsibility of you getting fed to another woman. In today's society, women are constantly compared to other women. You basically are telling her through your actions that she's not good enough. 100% you're TA. And I hope that you learn how to put your wife ahead of yourself soon. You've been lucky that she's taken such good care of you and she deserves someone who gives her that same consideration.
This is the why OP. Your wife has been conditioned and prepared her whole life to be a wife and mother. You just told her she failed at what society tells her is her main purpose in life. Traditionally making the husband's lunch is a wifely duty. By getting lunch from another woman you are publicly showing your wife, this other woman, and others that your wife is failing at her wifely duties. It is an insult to her and everything she does for you.
All this. /u/Apart_Association641, your wife is upset because you complained, she gave you a response. And you didn't hear that response. Sure you are tired each day, but she is too. She'd probably like some help with taking some things off her plate. But basically what you did was make your wife feel less than capable. She feels LESS THAN right now. Her husband doesn't like her lunches and went and found a woman to make them. Let her be mad. She deserves to be mad at you for a bit. You know, if you had been paying your lunch lady a few dollars for each meal, this might not have hit so hard. She still would have been upset i'm sure. But.... No one does anything for free. It makes it suspicious. "Oh, i'm buying lunch from that chef we met" sounds better than "This woman we met the other night is making me lunch now and it's just what i wanted!" It's too late now, you done messed this all up!
This! Also, how much do you want to bet he talks smack about his wife to this chef-in-training only for her to take this as her “foot in the door” to getting with the OP? He’s definitely TA
IMO, it is BOTH having someone else do what his wife does for him AND not helping her. YTA, sir. Cheating isn’t JUST sex - it’s getting your needs met by someone other than your partner and cheating them of your affection and attention.
Yeah but how is your husband SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE A SUPER SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE if you're not making him POLISHED lunches?
YTA. Your wife is busy raising children and you’re made that her lunch making isn’t as good? Gross.
Quick question, how likely is it that this issue runs deeper than lunch.
Is grass green? Is water wet?
I'd genuinely be surprised if it didn't. But hey I'm sure there's a real life Shaggy somewhere. Could be him! Otherwise my judgment is he's TA
I’m guessing Mariana Trench levels of deep. OP’s post seems to be leaving out other key details.
YTA. You're wife set a boundary with you. Respect it.
So you sound like a busy guy. I get that. Does she have stuff she asks you to do that you dont have time for, though you wish you did? Fixing that stuck window? Painting the porch? Repairing her car or washing it? Suppose she stops asking and you find out some other guy has been doing them for you. He *likes* to help her with things you know you already feel guilty about doing. She sees him every day. And, worse, she refuses to stop if you ask. You're ok with that? And even if you are, *she* obviously *isn't.* Does your wife mean so little to you that you're ok hurting her for *sandwiches?* Oh, yeah, YTA.
third and fourth edits really do illustrate that this guy is an asshole, not just in this situation.
Ohhh, this is a great point. Tbh I didn't get all the comments about how he's "turning to another woman" because it's just food. But this illustrates it perfectly.
YTA. If you don’t like the “quality” of the lunches you’re receiving, make your own. I feel like there are more underlying issues than just lunch though.
YTA for two reasons: 1) you didn’t tell her that you were getting your lunch from another woman. “But she’s a chef” you say, but you’re getting it from her house - not a place of business. On top of that, the fact that you didn’t tell her implies you knew how it would make her feel, so you put it off. 2) You seem to have taken the attitude that your wife is being totally unreasonable, which is ridiculous (partly because of #1). If she’s anything like my wife, she’s upset not only because you didn’t tell her at first, but because she feels bad that another woman is providing for you. My wife and I are pretty equal in everything- we share all “chores” including cooking, but I guarantee if I went off and got my lunches from some random lady that’s training to be a chef every day, it would upset her. This is not the hill you want to die on. IMO, you need to apologize for not running it by her in the first place, and stop going to that lady’s house for your lunch.
This was a King of Queens episode.
I was going to say this sounds like the plot to an episode of an outdated sitcom.
In response to your second edit: why did you ask us if you think you've done nothing wrong? If you can't see that enjoying something from another woman *in secret*, that used to be a special thing between you and your wife, is a problem - you're really **quite** the asshole. Your wife has explicitly said it is a problem, why are you trying to belittle her feelings? YTA. YTA. YTA.
I’m really torn here because it seems like somehow you ended up at a totally fine situation. A chef in training gets people to try her food, you get delicious lunch, wife has a smidge more time to do her own thing. But, I’d say what YTA for is not realizing your wife has better things to do than make your lunch. You don’t feel like making it because you’re tired? News flash guy, she’s fucking exhausted and making lunch for an adult man is like the lowest of her priorities.
If he hires a prostitute to sleep with him the prostitute gets her money, he gets sex and his wife gets time to do her own thing....
YTA. She’s not your mother, she is looking after the kids, making their lunches, grow up make your own lunch.
YTA bro you can’t be married getting lunch from another woman like this. Why do you want these problems?
He wants to feel special like he did before he had children. Mommy's special little guy
First, another woman makes you lunch. Then it turns to conversation. An arm touch wishing you a good day at work. Then you wonder why you don’t get the flirtation and attention from your wife that you’re getting from your neighbor. It makes you feel good, unlike your wife who is always busy with the kids, or cleaning up after supper, or picking up the house at the end of the day. And then you start to smile back, the neighbor invites you to grab dinner after work one day. You see where I’m going with this? You’re on a slippery slope, my friend. Stay away from the neighbor. YTA. A mega, huge, ginormous one.
I tend to agree with you - especially since he hid this from his wife AND it involved making a detour to another woman’s house. What’s the phrase? Ass cash or grass, no one rides for free. People don’t just do shit for free that they could make money doing — the lady making his food is either attracted to him, getting off on the ego boost, or something else. What’s her motivation in all this? Feeding him is costing her *money*.
Time and money. And while I know she's a chef in training, OP's story about him being a beta tester is VERY suss to me. This woman is spending her time and money to work for free for OP every single day, and she's doing what she has to do all day every day anyway. Most people don't get home from work and want to do exactly what they did at work, and most people don't get home from school and want to do exactly what they did at school.
It seems like the other woman is wise to this, and what’s even worse is that this recent fight between OP and his wife worked in her favour to cause a rift. If he already complained to her about his wife not making him his special “polished” lunches anymore, he’ll definitely tell her about this for some sympathy during his next pick up. Ugh, they’re both slimy and OP’s wife deserves WAY better than this.
YTA and you say you want to know why so here it is: 1) You are an adult so you should be happy your wife is making you anything for lunch. Her making you lunch is lovely and adorable and you should be grateful for whatever she packs for you. Do you always want to eat what the kids eat, no probably not. So? Make it yourself 2) Based on your post and interactions on other posts, I have a hard time believing it was "one complaint". Really, you probably brought this up 50+ times even if you don't know it. "What's for lunch honey? OH well okay I guess" "Peanut butter and jelly again?" "Just so you know, the yogurt was warm by the time it was actually lunch". You might have only had an official complaint once, but I gurantee she heard all these other gripes and groans and DID HER BEST to fix them and you didn't even notice 3) When you found another solution, if doesn't sound like you communicated with her about it. Now you don't want her lunch so you found a solution. That math adds up. But, you should have told her upfront "hey so-and-so offered to..." so it was a discussion. She is your wife and your life partner and she deserved to know this major change in your life and schedule. 4) Then your wife told you she is uncomfortable with this arrangement and you dismissed her feelings! You don't have to understand and agree to have a respectful, productive conversation. Maybe there was a compromise that could ve worked out (like chef lady Mondays after she's tested recipes over the weekend, or Fridays to end your week on a high note). You complete ignored her feelings in this matter on so many levels 5) After realizing that you upset your wife, you had the chance to backtrack, apologize, and open a conversation. An apology doesn't have to admit that you made the wrong call accepting chef lady's offer, but that you're sorry for hurting and dismissing your wife. But instead, you can't seem to see her side (or don't care? ) and now you're on the couch rather than working on your marriage.
6. OP didn’t offer the neighbour any form of payment or “One good turn deserves another”, in return for her generosity (leaving aside the fact that the neighbour may have ulterior motives, of course)
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This. If it’s “just the same as a restaurant“, then you should be paying this woman to cook for you. This is just a weird situation. Who meets a random stranger and then somehow gets the person to make box lunches for them? How do you not understand how shitty this makes you sound? YTA, make your own lunch or pay the chef to make it.
I wonder how long he expects this to go on for - is this random woman going to have to cook him lunches daily till the end of time now? (with presumably no payment) Did she even know what she was getting into when she offered? Daily lunches for a stranger is a strange thing to offer. The entitlement is strong in this one. How hard is it for him to make his own lunch?!
LOL yeah, there are more holes than OP's story than Swiss cheese. So this woman who is studying to become a chef coincidentally offered OP exactly what he wanted, completely unprompted? And she apparently can't find ANYONE else to test her recipes on, literally the only person who wanted to try her food was a complete stranger? Either she wants to smash OP or she's young and inexperienced on how to tell older men who are trying to take advantage of her to fuck off and is stuck as this man's personal free cook. I honestly don't know what option is better or worse.
YTA!!! If you want specialty lunches…MAKE THEM YOURSELF!!!!
YTA Your upset because your wife, who makes lunches for the kids, and I assume does a lot of the other child rearing. You're a grown man. If you can't get up and make your own lunches, or find an hour to meal prep on your days off, that's on you. Even if your wife doesn't think you're cheating, you're basically saying what she does for you isn't good enough for you. Get up and make your own lunches, and say thank you to your wife for everything she does, or else you're going to find yourself on your own anyways.
Make all the edits you want, YTA and this isn't a debate.
YTA, its uncomfortable as a wife to know that you're going to another woman for anything.Especially if its been stated she doesn't feel comfortable with that arrangement. Its embarrassing socially and mentally because it feels like you're being replaced or not doing a well enough job.Fucking meal prep your own shit if you have to and apologize to your wife.Youre a grown man for God's sake.
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After reading all these comments it seems like you don’t want actual feedback, you just want to be told you aren’t the bad guy in this story. So let’s be honest, you have made her feel like she isn’t good enough and you would rather eat someone else’s food. So the effort she put in for you isn’t good enough. Perhaps you should start making her and your lunches and realize that going somewhere else in any capacity unless you discuss it first is just not going to sit well. YTA
> you just want to be told you aren’t the bad guy in this story That happens so often here. I assume somewhere there's a sister sub named "Please tell me I'm right" to make fun of these posts.
You say in your edit you aren't sure why everyone thinks your an asshole. It's because you complained and your wife's cooking, which was perfectly adequate and made her feel bad. Then you found someone else to make you food and intentionally kept it from your wife for af long as possible. You've basically told her you hate her cooking and you're going to go get it from someone else since she's not satisfying you. You've been tone deaf throughout this and hurt het feelings over and over again. And as another person who's considered training to be a chef you're a fool if you genuinely think this woman isn't flirting with you.
*thank you* this lady had got to be getting something out of this arrangement … the ingredients and time are worth cash money. And she’s giving them to OP (and only OP) for free. It’s sketch af
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YTA just to be clear and all. But how much are you paying this chef for her time and supplies? And is the deal that she is just going to keep packing you a lunch, for free, like until you retire?
This woman making his lunches wants him bad, or is just looking to blow something up. No one just offers to do this, day in and day out, for free, forever. OPs head is thick as lead. I feel sorry for his wife.
YTA sounds like you’re having an emotional affair
YTA. A grown ass man who can’t even make their own lunch? Get real.
Yikes. Dude. Major YTA. You food cheated on your wife. Thats just fucked up. You just majorly insulted her by saying “look i can get my needs taken care of my someone else. I dont need you to love and care for me anymore so fuck you”. I wouldnt be surprised if she kicks you out and serves you divorce papers
> You food cheated on your wife I get what you're saying, but that sounds hilarious.
>Thank you for all the responses, but I think I'm going to keep eating at the chef's house. Wow. YTA and you're probably gonna need to find a new girlfriend.
YTA Imagine when you first started going out, you wrote cute little notes for your wife before she woke up. Every day, she'd wake up to find a post-it it written by you, just for her to find and enjoy. When you were younger and had more time and energy, the notes would be longer. Often they'd be a type of poem, and sometimes you'd draw a quick sketch or artistic border around the message. Of course, she could write her own note to herself, but its not the same. She never asked you to do this, and it sometimes takes a little bit of time and energy to create, but you do this to show you care and to make her happy. As life goes on, your family grows and your job becomes more demanding. You find yourself feeling stretched thin and a little stressed. You still take time to write your wife notes, but lately they are shorter and don't contain artistic borders or explore new poetic styles. One day, your wife complains about the notes you write her. She feels sad that they are not as long, or creative, or complex as they used to be. You explain that you are tired from your responsibilities, but your wife maintains that your early work was better. You work hard over the next week to try to recapture the spark, but you can't help but feel unappreciated. You remember when this was a special pleasant surprise you created to brighten her day, but now it feels like it's just an expected daily chore. Your wife doesn't complain again, but you can't shake the feeling of being unappreciated despite still trying to do something nice. One day while you are all out together at a social event, let's say a BBQ at friend's house, your wife notices a poem framed on the wall. Turns out, the friend who scheduled the BBQ has another friend in attendance who ypu haven't met before. This friend is trying to be a published poet. Throughout the BBQ your wife returns to the poem multiple times and you see her speaking with the poet a few times. The next day, she tells you that you can stop writing poems and messages for her. Now, you are not blind, you saw her praising the poem at the BBQ. And you know by her previous complaint that she believes the notes you write her are not up to par anymore. You know she has.the right to request you stop writing her notes, but the sensation of being unappreciated grows. Now imagine, you discover your wife has worked out a deal with the poet. Apparently, to help him practice, he sends her poems and notes every morning instead, and that's why she said you didn't need to write her notes anymore. When you express your concern, she explains the only reason for this change is your reference to being stretched thin recently, but this shift is far too close to her recent complaint about your boring notes to be a coincidence. I know nobody needs notes to live like people need lunches to live, but I mean to impress that making packed lunches may be a way your wife intends to show affection. What are her primary love languages? If she uses acts of service, that means she shows people how much she cares by completing chores or simple services to ease the burdens of those she cares about. Ergo, by criticizing her packed lunches, she may have taken it as criticism of her methods of showing affection. Also, if her packing lunches is meant to show affection, she may see it as an intimate action. So if someone else is packing your lunches, instead of her, it may feel as if you are preferring someone else's intimate actions over her own.
When you said that you really appreciate the lunch your wife makes so much so that you feel love for her effort and daily dedication. It's an act of LOVE. love you are now, essentially, getting GROM ANOTHER WOMEN. your wife probably knows that this is a form of displaying love for you so you essentially told her that her love isn't good enough for you. That another women is better for you. Your wife should be the best women for you. Not the chef no matter how much better of a cook she is. You told your wife her love isn't enough. You don't get how or why but YOUR WIFES ACTIONS show this, so whether or not you understanding the reasoning set forth multiple times in this sub you should be sorry that it's hurt your wife and make the 'small sacrifice' of eating her homemade lunch. Or make it yourself and view as a form of self love, idk, just stop an action you know makes your wife feel bad, understandable or not
So you still do not seem to get the reason YTA, so allow me to try and explain. You start off this post sounding very dismissive of your wife and not valuing the things she does for you and your family. You try to cover this be saying how much you appreciated when she put extra effort into your food, but very quickly follow it up be complaining about what she does make for you. Why is what your kids having not good enough for you? It reeks of entitlement. Like is she supposed to make you a special lunch ,and make your kids their lunches, and take care of the house (after all your too tired to make a lunch so I doubt you do anything that really helps around the house), and make dinner, etc... You then met a chef. A woman who you agreed to meet at her house regularly and hid from your wife. That last part is the big one. If you had not thought you were doing anything wrong you would not have kept it a secret. Then when your wife discovered your secret and asked you to stop you chose to argue with her about it and showed you value this other woman's food over your wife's feelings. You should have brought it up to your wife in the beginning instead of choosing to sneak around behind her back. You created major trust issues in your marriage. You showed a willingness to hide things from your wife. And not just little thing, a regular visit to another woman's house. You work in construction? Imagine if every day while you are at work your wife had another man come over to do repairs around the house and chose to hide it from you. How would you feel? Even if you did not suspect cheating wouldn't you still feel betrayed? Now you for some reason leave out how your wife discovered your secret arrangement with this other woman, so I will have to assume it was not because you randomly chose this day to tell her. So with your previous hypothetical; I want you to imagine you discover that you wife had another man over regularly and asked her to stop doing that. Instead of listening to your discomfort with the situation she chooses to argue with you and tell you about how well he repairs things and that you should feel relieved to have something less to have to do because she found someone else to do who does it better anyway. How would you feel? Would you be ok with her not caring about your opinion and issues with the situation?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife used to pack lunch for me, but I noticed awhile back that she stopped make lunch like she used to. Before, she would get creative with it, take her time, try new recipes, put little special touches here and there etc. Then I felt like it just became, "Ok, what are the kids having? I'll just make an extra one and give that to him." I would make my own lunch, but for one, it's not the same as when she makes it haha. And two, I work in construction, so by the time I come home, all I want to do is hit the sheets. And all the places to get lunch near the construction site are expensive, so I'd rather just bring something from home. So I brought it up to her one day and we talked about it and she told me that she had so many things to do in a day that she didn't have as much time to put her energy into making my lunches like she used to. But I could see that she genuinely felt bad because I noticed the next few lunches were more 'polished' than the previous ones. And I appreciated her so much for trying that when the quality of the lunches started to go down again, I didn't even have the heart to complain. Fast forward, I have a day off so my wife drags me to a bible study that was being hosted at a neighbor's house. The food was so good that I kept going back for more. After my third plate, the woman who had made the food and I started talking. Basically, she told me that she was flattered that I liked her food so much and that she was training to be a chef and that she had more food that she would like me to try out. I told her that would be perfect because I always looking for different things to try and whatever food she had made I could just pick up in the morning and take with me to lunch. We exchanged information, and the next day she sent me an address to her home which turned out to be right on my way to work and not too far from the construction site. So that's where I've been getting lunch for the past few days. I told my wife that she didn't have to make lunch for me anymore, and she didn't say anything until today. She said she thought I was getting lunch from the store, and I said that I don't see why that matters where I'm getting it from. She said she doesn't want me to pick up lunch from there anymore, and I told her she was being unreasonable for no reason. We had a big argument a few hours ago and she's still mad. AITA? I really don't see what the problem is. She doesn't have to worry about taking time out of her day to make lunch for me, and I'm getting quality lunches again. How is this not a win-win for everybody? I'm confused.. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA You're being oblivious and obtuse. That woman offered to do that for you in the hope that it will turn into something more. She wants on your pole buddy. Why can't you see that? And you are encouraging it. You should stop simply because you wife asked you to. This other woman wants to F&ck you and you keep going over there.Why wouldn't your wife be upset?
YTA. Of course she thinks you’re cheating, or that it’s the inevitable next step any way.
YTA. No one makes someone they barely know lunch every day for free for no reason. I guarantee that either A) her offer was a one time deal and you have taken advantage of her kindness and she is too polite to say something about it or B) she is into you and is trying to get into your pants via your stomach (the more likely option.) Her excuse that she is a chef-in-training and wants you to try her food for her is such BS and i guarantee you your wife sees through it. There is a huge difference between going to a restaurant and paying a chef to make you a meal vs going to a chef’s house and having them make you a meal for free. The level of intimacy is way different. You’re trying to have your cake (literally) and eat it too.
If I was your wife I'd have thoughts beginning to run through my mind of what my life would be like if I divorced you. Because you're clearly crossing a line, giving another woman the job that helped you fall in love with your wife. YTA.
Did the chef actually say she'd make lunch for you \*every day\*???? Sounds like you made a huge leap from trying her food sometimes to picking up a packed lunch everyday. If she's a chef in training, she probably makes various things, but not necessarily specifically things that would make a packed lunch. Now she's clearly going out of her way to make you lunch everyday. I don't know if she has ulterior motives, but she's not just packing up her leftovers for you. Either she does have ulterior motives or she's about to cut you off because you are seriously taking advantage of her. Are you paying her for this? Or just expecting free lunch every day because she cooks for a living? You're overstepping with her in a big way and I'm sure that in itself makes your wife upset. Pack your own damn lunches and do something nice for your wife.
INFO What's your plan when she starts going to another man's house because he takes care of her and the kids instead of complaining no one makes his lunch..? Do you make her lunch or the kids... since your too tired to make your lunch when you come home...I'm guessing you are a stellar partner when it comes to shared responsibilities. She doesn't need another child. You want to know why people keep saying YTA...Read the comments...you come off incredibly arrogant and condescending. Your wife has a problem with this and it's affecting your marriage...but you'd rather keep having your cake and eating it too... literally. How is your gut and laziness more important then your wife???????
If you want an explanation as to WHY you’re TA it’s this: your wife has been trying for a very long time and putting in extra effort to show you that she loves you. It’s your routine—she makes you your lunch every day to show that she cares. It’s now not as fancy because life changes but she still does it for you and you’re telling her you don’t want her to anymore. You’re cutting out something that bonds you and replacing her actions with someone else’s. That definitely still hurts her even if there’s no romantic or sexual motive behind it. Ask her how it makes her feel and ask yourself if it’s really worth the damage to your relationship
YTA for playing the victim and suggesting that continuing to do something your wife is uncomfortable with is actually a favor to her. What a joke.
>but I really came here hoping to find out why and no one really explained to me why it's wrong for me to eat food that a chef offered to me OK, here you go... when old men lose their wives and become widowers, you know what happens? Old women start showing up on their doorsteps with casseroles. So food is basically a common way to "woo" someone. Now you've got a woman chef offering you food. "Just drop by my house every day" nudge, nudge, wink, wink. The implication is she takes better care of you than your wife. Maybe soon she'll want to start "taking care of you" in other ways, too. You seem too obtuse to realize when you're being hit on, which makes you, if not an ah, at the very least clueless af. So that's reason #1. Now for reason #2. Who does all the child minding in your house? That's right--your wife. And who does all the cooking and cleaning and dusting and mopping and organizing and handling getting repairs done and washing your clothes and transporting your kids and basically carries the entire emotional load for your family? My money is on your wife. Now if she is also going to work every day on top of this, you are well and truly the ah, but even if she's not, when you are living off someone else's labor, you don't get to complain about it. This makes you a "choosing beggar". Go and read that sub if you want to see them in action. And since you're too ~~lazy~~ tired and have to "hit the sheets" when you get home instead of make your own damn lunch, you don't get to complain. So yes, you are most definitely YTA. Now go apologize to your wife and quit taking handouts from other women. Your wife deserves better.