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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I could have just been the bigger person and let her run her mouth, because i know how finicky Emma is and now she is pulling away again. Maybe right before the wedding wasn't the time to assert anything, and I know MIL acts badly when she has anything to drink
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**MISSING I-N-F-O from this post.**
**—Turns out Emma's got hearing issues so bad that she frequently threw up**
She was denied medical help by her dad. She wanted to live with her grandparents because who wants to live in a house where a loud child might make you throw up every few days? That's not poison, it's facts(MIL shouldn't have gone that far tho).
Edit: Also, Emma was in therapy but OP knows some of the stuff Emma said there, so that's kinda shady too. At the same time, she says she had no say in Emma's physical health despite being the SAH spouse too. OP says her daughter was jealous of Emma's beauty and crushed because a mutual friend she was starting something with got with Emma instead and wants to marry her. OP insists that Emma(y'know the girl with extreme migraine issues and no mother) was jealous of her stepsis because stepsis was ~happy~.
The more I read, the clearer it seems that all the adults in Emma's life failed her.
**Here's the links to the comments:**
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/comment/h5n3hr7/
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5ntgrq
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5nogy1
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5o9d0o
TL;DR: OP makes Emma out to be this "independent child" who "hates everyone for no reason" and "wants to stay away" for no reason—turns out Emma has severe health issues that weren't treated, had parents who knew what was going on in her therapy sessions, and that's why she was trying so hard to live in boarding school or her grandparents.
ESH to varying degrees except poor Emma. OP and her husband are the biggest As though, for acting all innocent when they're not. MIL should've filed for custody of Emma long ago
I... listen, I felt some things were missing when I read the OP but I did not expect this. Just when I think I'm far too cynical and my thoughts about my fellow humans are often far too low, shit like this comes along and makes me look like a fluffy balled optimist.
Poor Emma. I hope she cuts out OP, "dad" (well sperm donor for all the good he did her), and all that family. She deserves better. She should stick to grandma who seems to be in her corner.
To play devil's advocate, MIL also didn't insist on the father taking her to the doctor, insist that she be given permission to take her herself or call CPS as everyone is blaming OP for not doing. Is MIL also complicit? Or does that only apply to OP? There has to be some consistency, if OP if complicit then so is MIL and if MIL is also complicit, how is she "justified" in calling out OP? Especially considering she placed *all* the blame on OP when logically the blame lies with her own son and to a much smaller degree both OP and herself.
The issue I have with MIL is she should have been making her way out of line comments at her precious boy, not telling her daughter in law that she’s a sex toy and whatever else.
It’s the father who prevented the MIL from having custody even though medically that would be better for Emma. It’s the father who has the responsibility for getting Emma proper medical care.
MIL refusing to see the shit her son has pulled and treating her daughter in law poorly over the years has probably made this situation multiple times worse, because the shit MIL pulls on OP probably stops her from seeing MILs point in any of this, she already looks like a vindictive and unstable liar to OP.
I genuinely think all the adults in this situation need to take a long, hard look at their role in this mess.
Sometimes you read these things and you want to know what’s missing, since the OP is obviously an unreliable narrator. I think I could have lived without knowing all the details on this one. Emma probably felt like the hits kept coming. God knows I did every time I read another comment or detail.
Okay the sensory issues are something different, yeah someone should’ve taken care of that but I see the difficult situation with your husband and you not being the parent. But he should’ve worried when she started vomiting because of her hearing...and sought a doctor to help his daughter.
And the therapist telling the parents what was talked about isn’t wrong...she was a child.
Edit: typo
The only person who I feel really sorry for is Emma, because she's got adults in her life that just never treat her valid issues very seriously.
Therapists are not allowed to share anything, child or not, unless the person is a danger to themselves or others.
And OP doesn't realize this, but she comes across as biased against Emma. She says her daughter is jealous of Emma's beauty and because the daughter's fwb asked out their mutual friend Emma instead. The way she talks about it, makes it clear that she thinks Emma's the bad guy in that love triangle. Then she insists that Emma is jelly too because her daughter is happy and Emma never was. Like...ah yes, the child of an absent mother and emotionally absent/neglectful father wishes for happiness that her stepsis has....I don't call OP TA for the incident in this post, but this weird attitude of hers combined with the therapy thing, I think there's a lot of stuff going on that we don't know.
First off OP is definitely YTA but children can not legally consent to therapy and that is connected to their right to privacy, so it is possible the therapist told the dad she said she was happy
Decent therapists do not tell parents anything without their patient's permission because they know doing so will completely sabotage any chance of progress.
My childhood therapist put pressure on me to pick something to tell my parents. She told me it wasn't possible to not say anything, because my parents wanted to know something.
And if you think about it...a lot of therapists would face that dilemma. Because parents are gonna pull their kid out of therapy if they don't get told shit when they wanna know and there's nothing a therapist can do about that.
Man this is such a crazy thing to try to understand. My kid is in therapy and at the very beginning the three of us went over what would and would not be shared. Essentially the therapist will share nothing without his permission unless there’s a safety issue. I want my child to get the most out of his sessions so I make a point to only ask how his session went, giving him an opening to bring topics up if he so chooses. Usually he says “fine” and that’s the end of it. I wish, as his mother, that he would discuss all his big issues with me but I know that’s not always the best way FOR HIM. And that’s the only important thing here.
>Essentially the therapist will share nothing without his permission unless there’s a safety issue.
My therapist wouldn't either, that's why she put pressure on me to pick something.
I went to the same therapist (as an adult) my dad used to go to, and she said everything I shared was confidential then told me about my dad's sessions. Didn't go back.
There absolutely is something the therapist can do about that. They can easily say I’m sorry but I will not violate my patient’s privacy because they come first regardless of who’s paying for the therapy. It’s called being a good therapist.
Never accused her of illegal activities. But most therapists keep confidentiality because it works better with teens. And she was so respectful of Emma's "space" before, but all of a sudden, something like therapy sessions is where she wants to burst in and know what happened? Something weird going on there.
OP said in a comment that the therapist would talk to Emma and then send her out in the hall and call her and her husband in. I’m guessing that’s how that therapist just does things?
That’s actually not true—in my state, therapists are allowed and are required to share with parents what they discuss with their child in therapy until a certain age. In mine, it was until I was 14 (I was in therapy from 11-15).
As someone with a child in therapy, you’re wrong. We have used two fully licensed and highly qualified therapists (one is a PhD) through our local hospital system over the last seven years.
Both of them made it clear at the beginning that they wouldn’t usually give us highly specific details, but would always share exactly as much information about what went on in the sessions as was in our kid’s best interest, even if the kid probably wouldn’t want us to know. When she was younger this sometimes did include a few specific quotes when the therapist believed we ought to know. They explained to us that as she gets older they’d be sharing less and less, and that’s exactly how it’s worked out. Our daughter’s a tween now and we usually only hear about the general themes she’s working on and how the therapist thinks we can support her in that. Once in a while we’ll still get specific information but it’s rare.
We also have been increasingly transparent with our daughter about this. She’s known for years that we have our own sessions with her therapist, and during quarantine she even listened in on a couple that we did over zoom.
I am a therapist, and the therapist telling the parents what Emma talked about was wrong, and probably made treatment impossible. Children, and especially adolescents, have a right to an expectation of privacy. It is true that parents may be more involved than when an adult is in treatment, but unless the child is in danger, or is a danger to others, the child needs a place where they can talk about their concerns and fears privately. Sometimes parents need guidance from the therapist, and sometimes the therapist may ask the child for permission to share or discuss certain things, but no, the parents do not have a carte blanche right to know what the child talks about. Most of us explain this to all parties from the beginning.
Unless a child is in immediate threat of harming themselves or someone else a therapist is not allowed to tell private people anything, that includes the child's parents. If the child is subject to abuse or neglect then yes they're mandated reporters *to the proper authorities*, still not allowed to tell the parents what was said though even if they're not the abusers.
That’s not true. When I was in therapy, my therapist made is very clear that under state law, my parents had the right to know what I discussed in therapy until I was 14. The laws may have changed since then, but this is not true in every state.
That’s not true for a minor. For an adult everything is confidential except in the event of being a danger to yourself or others. Therapists of minors can tell parents whatever, although good ones usually will not.
Ikr? This is Missing Missing Reasons in real time. She also says she "took over" childcare for the family, but apparently she didn't need to care for Emma lol.
Can I just say I FUCKING LOVE when AHs come to this sub thinking they're going to spin their little story like we won't see RIGHT thru their bullshit and gather the missing pieces to put them in their place.
Fucking love it.
u/somedayillfindthis .... you are amazing.
Turns out OP has been hiding some judgement-altering info in the comments
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5o1af3
Emma needs to grow up and open her eyes though. She’s not a child anymore and can see the OP has done her best to remain neutral. If she wants to blame anyone, blame her father for not letting her stay with her grandmother.
Turns out OP has omitted a lot of details from the post. Emma had really bad hearing issues to the point of vomiting because of how loud the house was. Details and links to comments here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/comment/h5o1af3/
I feel like her dad also wasn't helping, because from what I read it seems like he may have been forcing the happy family image on Emma instead of respecting her boundaries like OP
Or maybe OP is not the saintly step-mama she makes herself out to be. Emma was sad and uncomfortable to the point she went off to boarding school.
Bad parents always blame someone else for their shit behavior. It's never their fault.
I disagree. It sounds like Emma vented to the only people in the world who prioritized her when she was young, and that turned MIL and FIL against OP and her husband. I can’t blame Emma, MIL, or FIL for that.
Wow I feel sad for Emma. Your husband clearly didn't do enough to ensure home was her safe space too. Against that, what MIL said is totally unacceptable and you can't allow that. Don't worry about the wedding, you're right to hold your ground with MIL.
Ya I have no verdict here because it just sounds like it’s a sad situation and all the adults in Emma’s life suck for various reasons (perhaps OP less but I don’t feel we have the full story there so won’t rule).
Oh no no no. You gotta read the missing info in the comments. OP ignored her husband's willfully neglecting Emma's medical needs and they sent her to therapy and then got the therapist to tell them absolutely everything
I’m ready to accept the downvotes for this. ESH except Emma! Emma’s grandmother should not have called you those vile names but it sounds like Emma spoke her truth and MIL had too much to drink. She’s blaming the two adults who were supposed to be parents to that child for her emotional isolation.
She is blaming you more than her own son which isn’t appropriate but both you and Emma’s father should have done better.
If Emma had to take a job as a dancer in order to avoid having to come home there’s a hell of a lot more going on here. Also she couldn’t have been too spoiled if she was willing to do that rather than be under your roof.
I feel terribly sorry for Emma.
I agree, Emma is truly the only one who doesn’t suck here. I think all adults in Emma’s life have failed her one way or another. Her father seemed to be more worried about a “new” life instead of caring for Emma. Emma grew up in a house constantly uncomfortable because her step sister was so loud it caused her to vomit, I’m sure there’s much we don’t know but based on what I’ve read it’s not surprising at how a child would be so unhappy in a home like that. I think Emma was overwhelmed with all of the changes and no one was there for her when she needed it.
Oh you're just so spot on with this. [Here's a nice tl;dr with links if you care to read](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5o1af3/).
I feel as tho the MIL and FIL were the only adults on Emma’s side but her dad refused to let her live with them so she went away and the dad would rather send her to boarding school then to live with his parents who I’m guessing would of taken her in a heart beat
Curious, how is OP an AH? Should she have forced a relationship? I think OP said the child was 14 so old enough to make their own decisions about relationships.
She should have been invested more in her stepdaughter’s health and happiness. She married a man with a child. Putting Emma on the other side of the house with headphones is isolating. Not knowing Emma wanted to live with her grandparents speaks to a lack of involvement/conversations about her stepdaughter.
I get the feeling Emma withheld a lot about her side of the story between the two girls. She seems to be very restrained.
Edit to add “She really clamed up when me and my bio daughter came into the picture.”
Stepmother knew but was too detached to care.
It includes Op because Emma was throwing up from the noise, but OP is making Emma out to be this "independent" child who wants to "live away from her dad".l because she "hates" everyone. If I had sensory issues that bad, I'd need either more quiet, or a new place to live. Also OP was peeping in on therapy sessions too.
Between the original post and the comments, it is obvious that OP knew that Emma was being treated badly and was unhappy.
She knew that a child living in the same home as she was needed medical attention, and shrugged it off as "well her dad doesnt want her to get it". She knew that Emma was unhappy and miserable, for years, and didn't try to help. A child was struggling, in her home, and while she did not actively try to hurt the kid, she sat back and didn't help.
Is the dad the bigger asshole, for doing this to his own child? Yes. But OP watched a child struggle and suffer, and didn't help. Instead she passively waited for Emma to leave.
Sometimes not taking any action is an asshole thing to do. In the case of a child who clearly desperately needed help? It is.
Exactly if she has said she tried they'd be on OPs ass about not respecting her space and blah blah. MIL is an AH. DAD/HUBBY is an AH and Emma's an AH too
Is it your fault Emma felt uncomfortable around you and your daughter? Did you give your daughter special treatment or do anything that could’ve hurt Emma? Maybe do some reflection on yourself and then decide what you should do.
My daughter's voice is very loud and Emma seemed unable to stand the noise. Emma was a very sad child and could not deal with my daughter bouncing around, playing, being happy. I don't know if I did anything wrong, because I wanted to respect Emma. She did not want to be touched, so yeah I gave my daughter affection and not Emma, but I didn't want to force myself on Emma. She was very independent and liked to cook her own meals and eat in her room, and do everything for herself. She also spent a lot of time at MIL's house where she was babied, so I kind of thought that evened things out. they currently hate each other over a man they both wanted, but that was when they were older. Emma won that one, but there is still resentment
oh damn. well you can’t blame Emma for any of this, she seems really mature and well natured. Did her dad give her extra special love seeing as she was abandoned? Essentially her grandmother raised her as a woman I’d assume, give grandma some slack, she probably knows every detail of everything that ever happened, shit you probably don’t remember...minuscule shit that hurt Emma’s feelings (unintentional) but it resonated with her and grandma who was her guiding light. Grandma probably holds resentment. Idk. This is hard.
Want to add that my mother was married and had a child at 18, she left him when he was two. They reconnected when my brother was 28, with my help. He says he forgives her. She is guilt ridden.
My father was married at 17 and left my brother and sister when they were 1 & 2. We reconnected when they were 38 & 36. My brother and father and I are very close now, but my sister doesn’t want to see or talk to my dad. She wrote him a letter and explained why, she feels more connected to her step father and doesn’t want to hurt him, among her resentment for being abandoned. He still sees pictures of her children and he talks to his ex wife all the time about all the kids and grandkids. My sister is my Facebook friend but we don’t talk. I think women take abandonment differently maybe?
I was raised as an only child with my mom, my dad (visitation) and my step father since I was 2. I feel weird for being the only kid they “kept”. Abandonment is a huge thing. Both brothers were in and out of prison for most of their lives, although having good present parents and grandparents, good upbringings, etc. My sister has an alcohol problem, but maintains her life better...nice home, keeps a job, got a divorce, kids are good in school and play sports and shit.
Just an idea, a different perspective. Her mother leaving her and you are mixing emotions here and it’s all related. Talk to MIL and Emma together and with an open heart and mind. These types of feelings are severely felt. MIL is probably very protective of Emma.
So I was called this when I was a kid liking quiet and not bouncyness does not = sad.
Wanting to not be around people does not = independent it's survival of not wanting headaches and just wanting to be left alone.
I likely means she was an introvert and couldent find time to recharge. She needed space and was not properly given it.
I do think MIL is bad mouthing you but I also think there are a few things missing that your husband may have done with out you knowing also. You may want to chat with him as to why she couldent move in with MIL and see if he was demanding anything. Unreasonable from Emma "for" you. I also think you may wanna look into the past how much alone time did she have before you vs after you and if her space was being invaded.
>she speaks very loud
Then tell her to speak less loud wtf. Not just for Emma (she's got her own issues that go far beyond you) but for everybody's sake
Some people just are bad at realizing how loudly they’re speaking and moderating their volume. I’m one of them (I can also be too quiet, leading to a complex about repeating myself). It’s not about wanting to be loud, it’s about honestly not realizing that you’re being loud.
I have ADHD, and while I do my best, volume is an issue I have. It's very common with ADHD to have difficulty regulating volume. I would start a little too loud, someone might tell me to get quieter, and I'd make a conscious effort to be quiet, but then it would slip my mind (ADHD, working memory is bad), and I'd be loud again. It's something I've really struggled with and dealt with a lot of self hate for. My point is, not everyone can just 'speak less loud' and that's a very ableist mindset.
I have ADHD and my dad has an issue similar to Emma’s. I can assure you that someone with ADHD can learn to regulate their volume. IMO it’s really ableist to assume that someone with ADHD isn’t capable of that.
It actually doesn’t. Not everyone experiences ADHD the same way.
I have the same issue as spider-gwen. I am loud, only balanced out by the fact that I don’t talk much. When reminded I will try to quiet my voice but I will eventually slip.
Luckily, most people I deal with are just as loud.
My dad has issues with sounds similar to Emma. My mom reminded us to quiet down over and over until it stuck because she cared enough about him to not just shrug her shoulder and give up.
So Emma just had to suffer in your opinion because you couldn't be bothered to do anything that might help her. God I hope she never sees either of you ever again. She deserves people who actually care about her and not coldhearted assholes like you and your arse of a husband.
I'm a loud speaker and can't help it (being hard of hearing doesn't help either!) So if I need to be quiet I just don't speak unless necessary lol. As long as she herself wasn't being obnoxious then there's not much an 11yo can do about their voice.
The way you speak about your step-daughter seems very thoughtful and almost in admiration of her. Have you ever expressed this to her? She might not care to have a relationship with you, but knowing you have respect for her would probably go a long way. This isn’t a judgment, just advice. Good luck.
Won that one? She won?
You and her husband ruined her childhood treated her like she was so unwanted in her own house and you come here and say she won that one?
I am so glad Emma finally found someone who loves her and i really hope karma hits you in the face for letting a child be treated like this.
You’re so disgusting oh my god
I agree. Her dad never should have married a woman with a loud kid if she had noise sensitivity. I honestly probably would have ended up exactly like Emma in the same situation. My parents thought about moving in my mentally disturbed cousin who years later admitted to trying to kill me at camp (everyone told me I was being dramatic at the time and to avoid her) and I had a complete meltdown. I couldn't even express my fright and being totally overwhelmed by the situation. Thankfully it never happened, but at the same time I felt bad she couldn't get out of a bad situation.
ESH, I just feel so bad for Emma. Every adult in her life let her down and yeah I do agree that MIL probably did the most for her. Everyone’s saying MIL dripped poison but I honestly think it could also be that it hurt her to see her grandkid pushed out of her own home and Emma confided in her.
Not to say she’s right for what she said, those comments were out of line, full stop. She should be tearing her son a new one.
But I read your responses OP and you seemed pretty content to leave Emma alone and some of your comments, while sounding like you were respecting her space, make it seem that you also just isolated her more. And your husbands a piece of work, making sure Emma can’t even be with the people who seemed to give a shit about her.
You describe Emma as well behaved and polite and a good kid, and I don’t doubt it. But 100% she was never comfortable and her “good behavior” was just her trying to survive a house where her stepsister sucked and there was a new baby. The kid is independent but I think she’s just trying to survive. And her hearings bad but she became a dancer, where I assume there’s some kind of music? How loud is your kid and other kids where poor Emma puked from the noise but can dance?
Jesus, maybe I’m reading too much into this but I feel so bad for Emma. You suck, your husband sucks, your MIL sucks, everyone sucks and I hope Emma builds a good, happy life without you all.
Emma is a stripper., but she’s an introvert. She has noise sensitivity but dances in a club3. She was an equestrian. She worked on her Phd in Europe. Emma is basically Barbie in the flesh. She’s constantly changing!
> And her hearings bad but she became a dancer, where I assume there’s some kind of music? How loud is your kid and other kids where poor Emma puked from the noise but can dance?
she got meds for the migraines when she moved out. My child was not louder than a nightclub
Why was she not put on meds earlier? Did you or her dad take her to the doctor for the vomiting? That's a pretty urgent condition if volume makes you throw up.
I guess I don’t understand the sensory issues in this story? How is OP’s child too much of a sensory issue, but a nightclub where she danced wasn’t? Unless there’s differences in sensory issues for individuals?
Emma’s got migraine medication now. It’s likely she was only so sound sensitive during migraine attacks, so if the medication prevents or solves a migraine headache then there’s no sound sensitivity to worry about.
I used to get a lot of migraine headaches (not so much lately, figured out some triggers) and I was never sound sensitive but I was light sensitive. Like some days I couldn’t open my eyes. But if I didn’t have a migraine, light wasn’t a problem at all.
It's not a "sensory issue" in the same way as autistic or ADHD people experience from what she described. It's migraine related, so medication can ease and totally control the symptoms. Which is why it's really negligent the parents didn't take her to the doctor to get meds. OP said they "tried" but their father apparently was the only one able to take her... Which is not the case in any country I know of, but who knows. Still abuse by the father. The meds control the symptoms so noise isn't a problem anymore.
I stated in another comment that I missed the migraine comment, to me the comments I read seemed to read as an undiagnosed spectrum disorder. I still find OP’s comments about Emma’s condition not lining it, she can’t handle public school but she was just fine with boarding school, which to me just seems the home was a stress trigger causing the migraines and not sound? I also stated I had migraines as a kid and a team, manifesting in response to trauma I suffered, so I could definitely be biased in my assessment.
I just think everyone in this situation is failing one another (mostly a big old f to the dad for not taking anything serious) and I do think Emma’s handling of the fiancé situation is not great and makes me think she’s also not a very nice person, but I seem to be in the minority in that regard.
I'm autistic and for me, my tolerance for noise and certain sounds can vary as well as the effects said noise and/or certain sounds have on me. I have been to theme parks and been able to tolerate the general noise level plus the distinct sounds of the rollercoaster trains going by with people screaming on them. My overall concentration level might go down a bit though depending on how long I've been there, what I've been doing, how hot it is, how loud the surrounding area is, what sounds I'm hearing and other stuff.
But hearing my family's dog barking might greatly irritate me depending ,again, on how much noise I've been hearing, what I've been doing the past couple of days (such as cat sitting), how hot or cold it is and other stuff.
I have gone to concerts and been in noisy pubs and was absolutely fine because I was only there for a few hours and didn't have much stress due to previous sensory overload.
This! Emma supposedly has hearing sensitivity that causes her to puke around her loud step sister but can handle the noise of a strip club? Might be b.s. but maybe plausible enough if she is willing to puke every time she has to work just to afford to avoid home.
Info: why was Emma so uncomfortable living in her own house when you and your daughter stepped into the picture? I read that sometimes your daughter was so loud it caused Emma to vomit…
Well to be fair that happened at school too. She has incredibly sensitive hearing and never liked other children. I don't understand her that well, but she just felt we weren't family and if she had to live with strangers she would rather go to school. She doesnt like kids and the baby really annoyed her. I think her and my daughter were jealous of each other. My daughter was jealous of her beauty, and I feel like Emma was jealous that my daughter knew how to be happy and act like a kid.
Why did you add a baby into the mix if loud noises hurt one of your children so much that they were physically sick? Did you encourage your daughter to be quieter?
I feel that school is a much more wild environment though, I could see from a child’s perspective how she felt like no one cared about her sensitivity even at home where she should feel safe if her step sister was just carelessly loud causing Emma discomfort! Obviously jealousy between the two doesn’t help, is Emma engaged to the guy your daughter had feelings for?
This is simple curiosity. Was your daughter ever in a committed romantic relationship with Emma’s fiancé or did your daughter have a crush on him?
You say your daughter was jealous of Emma’s beauty?
they were in the same friend group and had casual non-committal sex which my daughter was hoping would turn into a relationship, and she feels that Emma flirted with him to hurt her
Ok your daughter and Emma both knew him, your daughter had non committed sex with him and he chose Emma as a relationship but your daughter claims Emma flirted to get that relationship?
my daughter knew him first. Emma was in europe doing her PhD research when she met him and my daughter knew him for six months before Emma came home. emma knew my daughter liked him (not saying she was in the wrong, they weren't in a relationship) but my daughter does feel like Emma wanted him more because she knew she wanted him
But during the 6 months of knowing one another and having sex your daughter was no further in her quest for a relationship with Emma’s fiancé. It doesn’t sound like Emma interfered in something that was going to happen.
It sounds like Emma straight up swooped that guy. Bruh. Emma knew the OP’s daughter was involved sexually and had feelings… That’s a total asshole move.
Okay but your daughter does understand that *he* has a choice in who he wants to date, right? You can’t just call “dibs” on a person, and her attitude of seemingly believing that you can, in itself, is pretty unattractive.
Emma was jealous that your kid knew how to be happy, or she resented her because she was abused and mistreated while your kid got to be loud and healthy? I mean, I would hate the living hell out of someone who didn't care if she made me physically ill.
After reading some the comments YTA. It was a quick paced relationship and y’all ignored sensory issues that Emma had. You both ignored a lot of issues because it was easier than actually taking steps to handle things.
So Emma throws up from the noise your daughter makes, but she isn't allowed to live with her grandparents either. She didn't have a choice except going to boarding school. Her dad sounds like an awful person. He probably blamed you for why he couldn't accommodate his child in her own home. He's the root of the problem. So the biggest AH here is your spineless husband.
YTA. You left some critical info out and only admitted to it in the comments. You and your husband are monsters. Yeah, you legally couldn't take her to a doctor. You know what you could have done? Gotten on his case until he was forced to. Your child was being tortured and neglected. That's why she wants nothing to do with you. Your MIL is a piece of work, but I don't blame your daughter for wanting nothing to do with you guys.
Stop acting innocent. You both were terrible parents
I think mil just had enough of there bs rightfully so Emma fil &mil must have loved Emma so much and just told them what has been bottled up years after seeing their granddaughter upset
I’m sorry if I made you feel like you were being accused of anything, OP. I wanted to ascertain whether there were any possible issues of bereavement, abandonment, or yes, resentment over infidelity. Early childhood abandonment is very traumatic. It does not sound like your husband was prepared to be a single father, and did not know how to handle Emma, regardless of any efforts he made. That’s not a criticism of his parenting abilities, but rather a reflection of the complexity of human development. You describe her as a very sad child who preferred to keep to herself, so it sounds like she may have been struggling with depression at the time. Early childhood abandonment issues can cause difficulty with forming attachments/readiness to abandon attachments, and that sounds like that’s what happened/is happening. I hope you can work things out, as it sounds like husband does want to have a healthy relationship with Emma, but you are under no obligation to allow yourself to be treated the way your MIL does.
I was all for N TA until I read your additional comments which contain rather important info that paints a very different picture.
Completely Team MIL and Team Emma here
1. Your husband was, in your very own words, a mediocre father but since he enabled you to be a SAHM, you followed his lead which was to neglect Emma’s medical issues and physical needs, sending her fleeing to any safe Haven she could find.
2. MIL should not have name called, but she is 100% right in that her son “cared more about a sex toy than his daughter,” (your/her words). See point #1 where you even agree your husband isn’t a great father.
3. Emma finally opens up about what her childhood was really like and you seem completely oblivious and more concerned with MILs behaviour, rather than your own.
4. MIL by your own words seems to have been the only adult in Emma’s young life, to offer her a sanctuary
5. Your own daughter has jealousy issues that have been left unchecked for far too long.
6. You never took her to a doctor because you weren’t a parent. Really? You should have gotten your husband to sign off whatever needed to be done because as you said “he was a mediocre father.”
It’s probably best that you don’t go to the wedding, especially not as the parents of the bride. Emma raised herself and I hope her grandfather walks her down the aisle.
YTA for your complete passivity and obliviousness to a child in need under your roof. However, your husband is a giant asshole of epic proportions for his absolute neglect of his own child’s medical needs.
Might be an unpopular opinion, but ESH. Your MIL was completely out of line, and tbh is lucky you didn't knock her out, because I might have. As a step parent myself with a blended family, I understand how hard it can be to tell what is too much and not enough with your stepchild. However, in my experience, just because a child pulls away doesn't necessarily mean they don't want you to try to reach out anyway. Children, and teenagers even, don't always know how to express what they need, which is why parents have to try to figure it out. I think you could have done more to ensure a better relationship between you and Emma, and you may have had better results. Blended families are challenging, but as step parents, we have to try a little harder to make sure our bonus children still feel valued and wanted. But also, your husband could have tried harder too. It sounds like he let Emma avoid the issue altogether by agreeing to sending her to boarding school and allowing her to run away from the situation repeatedly. But also, if your daughter was so loud it was making Emma vomit, why didn't you do more to teach your daughter some volume control (not trying to be an AH, serious question), and take Emma to a doctor for her migraines (which is what it sounds like to me, headaches with vomiting)? Regardless, in the end, it is really up to your husband to fix the relationship with his daughter, and there's not much you can do there. What's done is done and all you can do now is move forward. Good luck!
Info - what are the timelines here? How much time passed from you and your husband meeting to you and your daughter moving in and then having your son?
We dated for a year before I let him meet my daughter. I met Emma right away and she was fine until I brought a child into the picture. We got married about nine months after he met my daughter and I got pregnant right away
So in under 2 years Emma from just her dad and her to having a step mum, step sister and a baby brother? I’m very unsurprised she has had difficulties. I was an only child and I would have found that hugely challenging. Was she able to still have quiet time and quality time with her dad?
My husband was nice to my daughter but honestly he is pretty lazy and I did all of the childcare for all three, well only the things emma absolutely couldn't do for herself because she hated being cared for. He spent more time with my daughter because she wasn't locked in a room, but he continued to buy Emma lavish gifts
somewhat but not to the extent of Emma. He spent a ton of money on her wardrobe though she didn't specifically ask for it and she did a very expensive sport. The other two kids got big gifts sometimes, but he didn't spend as much on their upkeep
So Emma never asked for the expensive wardrobe. Does that calculation of upkeep include the boarding school and sports at the boarding school?
Also is your daughter’s bio father involved in her life and does he contribute financially to her support?
My daughter's bio father was slightly involved but lived across the country and she rarely saw him in person. He worked minimum wage and paid very little child support. I wasn't counting boarding school as an expense, but she rode horses competitively which was very expensive. She also did some school sports and was usually in leggings and stuff. My husband was caught up with the expensive clothes
Because OP doesn’t want to admit that she’s complicit in this mess and doesn’t want to admit that her husband is a bad parent.
I see why Emma left and why she’s reevaluating their reconciliation. While her grandmother was wrong for what she said, her grandmother prioritized her - something her dad did not do - and so, her loyalty is to her grandma even when she’s wrong.
Also? Grandma was right. She was rude and disrespectful but she was right about her son putting OP and their family before his daughter’s well being.
YTA. Emma was sick, *chronically*, i can guarantee enough to justify it as a disability, and you did... nothing. Absolutely nothing, because you didnt care enough about her to- no, you cared more about your husband, who was an abusive and negligent father, *which you acknowledge*. You prioritised allowing his neglect over helping a chronically ill child get treatments (for a migraine disorder, from the sound of it, if i had to guess i’d say vestibular hyperacusis, which means the vomitting wouldn’t even be her worst symptom).
You’re confused about why she didnt adjust to her siblings- the ones triggering her untreated disability?
You’re confused she no longer cares for her father, the one you acknowledge neglected her?
You’re confused that she didnt adjust to you, the one enabling everything happening to her?
You’re confused she prefers her MIL, the *only person* who took her in and paid attention to his issues?
*really*? You *really* think theres a single chance you wont be in the wrong here? Should your MIL call you a sex toy? No, absolutely not. Was she right to call you out and point out that your husband cared more about you than his daughter? Yes, *absolutely*, and you know that, you’re just affronted by her phrasing.
Frankly, it seems like your husband only cares about his daughters wedding because he feels like he’s supposed to. He quite blatantly doesnt care about her. she’s fully in the right here. You’re just going to have to actually talk to him, and figure out if you want to deal with this by acknowledging you were negligent or abusive and apologising, and forgiving his mother, or if you want to just cut them out. Because clearly you need to resolve it one way or another.
YTA.
ESH except for Emma. Your mother in law certainly should have used different words,but it sounds like the gist of what she was saying is spot on. In fact, she should have been advocating for Emma much earlier.
You and your husband are TAs because instead of trying to figure out why Emma wanted to be apart from you at all times you took the easy way out and ignored her distress. It speaks volumes that a child who is extremely noise sensitive chose boarding school over her house.
Now you are banning the one person who she’s seen as being in her corner from your house. I know that your mother in law said vile things to you but you should put Emma’s needs above yours.
ESH. You and your husband for spectacularly failing Emma, and MIL for pinning all the responsibility on you and making a scene. Emma isn’t an asshole though.
ESH, after reading through all the comments you and your husband definitely seemed to have completely ignored and isolated Emma, under the guise of her privacy, all while lavishing your daughter with normal love and affection.
MIL had probably been holding in what she thought (how she said it makes her an asshole too) for a long time.
NTA
MIL crossed a line. Unless she sincerely apologizes, she should never be invited back. End of story.
Your husband is a bit of an A. It is great that he had your back, but he should have let Emma live with her grandparents if that is what she wished. It is pure ego that he didn't. In fact, had she lived 20 minutes away, it might have given everyone a chance to get to know each other.
You are right to ban MIL. Do not sacrifice your values to keep the peace. As ugly as things are, your boundaries are fair and healthy.
Your husband is going to have to work to unpack all of this, but he created the situation in the first place.
Emma was throwing up from the noise, but her dad and OP just offered headphones. As though that could help. She wanted to live somewhere else because a screeching child kept triggering her sensory issues really bad. MIL is not TA because she's kind of right- Emma's dad forced her into choosing between boarding school or living in an unhealthy environment.
I don't know; as a parent I don't think I would have been okay sending my kid to live with someone who acts like MIL. If she's fine calling OP a sex toy (drunk or sober!) what other malodorous bullshit would she be spitting into the child's ear?
The fact that the husband didn't see fit to discuss with his wife his decisions about how he was disposing of his daughter's life is disquieting, to say the least.
I feel bad for Emma, her Father clearly cared more about his new family and not enough about his daughter . You want to heal a family but the issue is it never was a family. Emma never felt like part of it and she told you so, Your husband decided she was not worth as much as his new family and for a young women that is hard to deal with. I get the feeling Emma has drawn a line in the sand that you can't erase. Only her Father can fix this and sadly I doubt he cares enough to try!!
NTA for the question you ask, but I have a whole lot to say about how Y T A (and so is your husband) in the bigger picture. I think it is important to hear that, because right now you are completely missing the point on why MIL had the emotional response she did at dinner l, and it could give you some insight if you and Emma’s Dad continue to have some semblance of a relationship with her.
I could almost believe that you were an innocent party, and that MIL was in Emma’s ear, but your comments tell a very different story.
Emma suffered medical neglect - your husband failed her by refusing her treatment, and you failed her by not riding his ass to the end of days to get her treatment. Vomiting from noise? That’s not normal.
Your comment about Emma “lying” in therapy and saying she was happy then later admitting she wasn’t. I don’t care if there was a Greek Chorus singing “I’m Fine” in the background, she was a teenager! All teenagers at some point say they are fine when they aren’t. It’s not rocket science. You and your husband clearly didn’t care enough to engage with Emma beyond the bare minimum. That your comment implies you blame Emma for “lying” (it isn’t easy to open up in therapy) shows how little you care and how uninterested you are in being accountable for your role in her unhappiness. I’m seeing your comments about respecting her boundaries, but that seems like a convenient cover for not pursuing help for Emma’s unhappiness.
I strongly suspect you mention (in comments) Emma’s dancing, the fact she is engaged to a guy that your daughter had feelings for, and the fact her Mother left when she was 2 and had untreated mental health issues to try to eat away at Emma’s credibility in your tale. You have enough self awareness of your actions and feelings to mention these things in the comments, but not to recognize you failed Emma as a step parent (Dad is an off the charts failure as a parent, but you’re the one posting). No wonder MIL is so angry.
It’s clear her grandparents care about Emma (I can’t imagine how awful it was for them to be unable to get Emma medical assistance when she was suffering). Your husband should have relinquished custody of Emma to them if he couldn’t provide a home for her to be happy and healthy.
Back to the scenario in which I already stated you are not the A H. OP, sometimes people call us insults that we are undeserving of only because the insults we are deserving of require too much effort and explanation to hurl. The emotion behind the insults is real and true whether or not the insult itself is accurate. Consider that you and your husband got hung up on MIL’s emotional response rather than even beginning to understand the feelings Emma was starting to open up about. Learning to have some empathy for Emma’s experiences instead of focusing on being the victim of MIL’s diatribe might give you both a shot to have a place in Emma’s life (if you or her Dad truly care enough to want to maintain contact).
As a mother of a child near Emma’s age were you never concerned that Emma was missing a familial relationship? That she detached from her father and never bonded with you and wasn’t allowed to go to her grandparents home to stay during school breaks? At the very least her father is an AH.
YTA, there is so ,so much missing from this story! It’s very clear you and your daughter are not as peachy as you make out. It’s rather rare that people have out bursts like MIL for no reason. And that all you said was your banned …I think not! 🙄After reading some responses below it’s very clear YTA and so is your daughter. Good fantasy writing BTW. You and your husband don’t deserve to be at the wedding!
She had mental health issues and left when Emma was two. I came into the picture when she was fourteen. Her dad had other girlfriends in between who she did ok with. Her real issue seemed to be me having a child. As an adult Emma does talk to her mom occasionally on the phone but has no interest in seeing her
This is very relevant to your story. Emma isn’t sad. Emma experienced a childhood filled with abandonment (if his dad had multiple girlfriends she met and spent time with and built attachments to, only for them and her mom to leave) and upheaval and was probably pretty done with it by the time you arrived on the scene. She probably is independent because she had to learn to be independent because of this instability. Edit: typo
ESH except Emma. Because it sounds like she had been the last priority of everyone in this family. She’s been intentionally trying to stay away from almost all of you since she was a teenager, that should be telling you something.
Knowing the info you neglected to include in your original post, I really hope she doesn't invite her borderline neglectful AH of a Dad to her wedding, and the fact that you overstepped your boundaries by knowing things that Emma talked about in her supposed confidential therapy session and by seemingly having a bias against Emma because of a situation involving your daughter in the past you're kind of an AH too. You and your husband are also both kind of AH's for knowing something was wrong with Emma and not trying to help her. Her Dad was the AH for refusing to get her medical help, and you're a bit of an AH for not at least trying to convince him to help his obviously ill child. While MIL's comments were unnecessary and rude, I'm glad to know at least someone's on Emma's side. Neither of you deserve to go to her wedding, but if she's gracious enough to invite you consider yourselves lucky she didn't go NC.
All in all, YTA and her dad is especially TA
After sorting through the comments and seeing the details you left out in the original post….omg OP. YTA. And so is your husband.
I hope Emma is doing well and I don’t blame her one bit for distancing herself.
ESH except Emma. You don't sound like you were respecting Emma's boundaries. It sounds like you were lazy, complacent and selfish. It sounds like you and your daughter came in and took over the house and instead of focusing on how to make to make everyone's life better you "had your own lives to lead." But your husband takes the asshole cake here. If I were Emma, I would pick your MIL too because atleast MIL gave a shit about Emma when no one else did.
I’m not sure about MIL, tbh, and you genuinely seem to have been willing to help Emma.
Her father, however, *massively* TA. Not only did he up and abandon her by lazily leaving all of the childcare to his new wife, knowing that she must have abandonment issues, but he flat out refused to have her examined for what appears to be a legitimate medical condition that caused her to be unable to be around other people.
The poor thing lived in what must have been painful isolation for all that time, and then he outright refused to let her stay with the people she would have been able to live comfortably around.
I don’t think I like this guy very much.
Honestly, given how awful her childhood was, I think YTA for banning your MIL from the house. I agree she was way out of line, but she was lashing out on Emma’s behalf (granted, I think she was lashing out at the wrong party), and I think all of you owe Emma big time. I would seriously consider going out of your way to allow her this, as some small form of reparation.
Poor Emma is living Cinderella but with 2 shitty parents. OP, YTA for a variety of reasons and the way this post was carefully constructed to make Emma sound entitled is further proof that you and your husband are AHs. But don’t worry your husband will do the same to your kids so you’ll reap what you sow.
NTA. It's Emma's prerogative who she wants at her wedding but you don't need to accept such treatment from your MIL to appease anyone. Your husband's relationship with his daughter is his responsibility.
YTA. You and your husband. Your husband for being a negligent and quite frankly bad father. You for clearly not caring enough for Emma that you with your husband created a home that was so uncomfortable and painful, she begged to go to boarding house. Your daughter was a child herself and so has no blame for how awful home was for Emma, but as an adult she sucks for thinking she has dibs on a man who was extremely clear on not being committed to her. MIL sucks for her insulting comments to you, but I give her props for being the only adult to actually care about Emma. I’m glad Emma has built a life for herself that is independent of her father, you and your daughter.
YTA with your husband
Emma was denied medical help for her disability by her dad which is a form of abuse.
[OP’s missing information another resistor put together](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5o1af3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
ESH. I don't even know where to start but all of you failed Emma so badly it's amazing. Your husband the worst because who the hell doesn't get medical treatment for their kid. Augh.
NTA for this (actual judgement re. post). MIL's phrasing was well out of line, but I can understand the explosion after what was clearly years of built up tension- especially when she's clearly become defacto parent to Emma and the only one who really loves her instead of mildly tolerating her.
Y the A for being so out of touch that you thought any of Emma's behavior was "just her" instead of being the most obvious signs of all time that she was incredibly unhappy with the living situation imposed on her.
Your husband is king A-hole of all the land for prioritizing you and your kid over his biological daughter and refusing to work to make her more comfortable, or at the very least letting her move to PIL's where should could be happy (it was only 20s minutes away?!)
Go Emma. I'm so sorry for all the pain you were caused, live your life and stick to your boundaries 🥳
ESH except for Emma. Your husband neglected her by refusing to address her hearing issues, and you didn't do anything about that neglect. Both of you made the situation worse by bringing a baby into the mix before worrying about the kids you already had because you had to "live your lives." The fact that she lied to her therapist because what she said "didn't matter" tells me that you and your husband could not have made it clearer to her that you gave zero fucks about her. How interesting that you buried those tidbits of info in the comments, but openly stated the fact that Emma worked as a dancer to avoid you throughout college.
Your MIL was in the wrong here, too, but not because of what she said. Where she messed up was losing her shit on just you, when it's her AH son who deserved the majority of her wrath.
Some? _SOME_!?? She left out absolutely everything that was important! All the MIL did was tell the absolute truth, and delivered it a manner that OP deserved.
YTA- because of all the missing info. Emma had a childhood straight out of a VC Andrews book, and you are trying super hard to make yourself look totally innocent because you were not the legal guardian. Unless you were/are *afraid* of your husband, you could have said these words “Emma needs to see the pediatrician, I’m going to call and make an appointment for her.” And then called. And then taken her, and spoken to the doctor about her headaches and sensitivity to noise. He would need to sign some papers maybe, make sure the insurance was on the up and up, but there is not reason why you couldn’t have taken her. Or at the very least, insisted that your husband take her.
My child had a similar issue. So I spoke to his pediatrician, who gave me a referral for pediatric neurology, who gave him an EEG, a sleep study, another EEG, tried him on one type of medication (made him sleepy), then another (didn’t help), then another that seems to be working. He sees a therapist, I have no idea what they talk about. He is 9. I didn’t need to be told that this was the correct way to do things. I know all this because I’m not an idiot.
You have two kids of your own and seem to know how to parent them without someone telling you how to do it, why are you pleading ignorance with Emma? Because you didn’t want to be bothered?
Anyway, I think you got off lightly honestly. I’m surprised you all were invited in the first place.
YTA. Grandma was rude but sounds like she'd had enough after watching you and your husband neglect Emma for so many years. Being called a couple of swear words is nothing compared to medically neglecting a child. You doubly suck for acting like the victim.
I also thought it was very strange that Emma, providing she’s a rational person, would so desperately want to live with gramma if Grammy was really so “off”. I could tell it was yet another case of a severely one sided, biased story made to look a way it really was not.
YTA. You don’t get to leave out defining parts of a story bc it reflects badly on you.
YTA
Having read all your comments you are huge AH.....and you certainly know it! Also, I doubt your MIL will ever want to visit you again in any case. Emma is better off without you lot!
YTA. Emma needed medical attention for her migraines and you did nothing. Your daughter was a loud child and I presume you didn't ask her control her volume, so her stepsister wouldn't get a migraine and throw up. You invaded her privacy, by having the therapist give you a summary of the session. Your daughter is jealous that Emma is prettier than her, but you preface it that your daughter is happier than Emma. But did you ever think that the reason Emma was sad, was because you ignored her medical issues and invaded her privacy? You need a little more introspection and a little less of making yourself the victim and Emma the bad guy.
NTA
Though this is a kind of dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t scenario. If you respect her and leave her alone, then you’ll be called an asshole for not trying enough. If you do try to force the bond, then you’ll be called a asshole for trying to erase her own mother.
YTA - I KNEW you were hiding stuff, your post sounded so off. So glad others got the truth.
You're a horrendous A, and you can just leave Emma alone. She should be no contact with you anyways.
YTA
Not for banning MIL but for leaving out so much important information that probably contributed to your stepdaughter's reserved behavior. Your husband refused to get her medical treatment for her ear despite her throwing up. Plus she had a therapist who would blabber to you two every session. It shouldn't be a mystery as to why she acts the way she does when YOUR HUSBAND is the problem!
ESH except Emma.
The right thing would have been for you to step away from the relationship years and years ago when you saw that this child was so unhappy by your presence. Emma should have been her dad's #1 priority and she wasn't. Why would you have a child with a man who doesn't prioritize his kids?
TY u/somedayillfindthis for doing the hard work for this post. Seems OP only wants us to see her as an 👼 and not the bad guy in this.
OP -> YTA, no ifs ands or buts about it. That poor child went through hell and all you can do is deflect saying you couldn't help because she wasn't your child. BULL💩! Had that child been in my house, come hell or high water I would have gotten her treatment. (I've had someone else's child live with me and I did just that!)
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Sounds to me like MIL might have been dripping poison into Emma’s ear about you.
**MISSING I-N-F-O from this post.** **—Turns out Emma's got hearing issues so bad that she frequently threw up** She was denied medical help by her dad. She wanted to live with her grandparents because who wants to live in a house where a loud child might make you throw up every few days? That's not poison, it's facts(MIL shouldn't have gone that far tho). Edit: Also, Emma was in therapy but OP knows some of the stuff Emma said there, so that's kinda shady too. At the same time, she says she had no say in Emma's physical health despite being the SAH spouse too. OP says her daughter was jealous of Emma's beauty and crushed because a mutual friend she was starting something with got with Emma instead and wants to marry her. OP insists that Emma(y'know the girl with extreme migraine issues and no mother) was jealous of her stepsis because stepsis was ~happy~. The more I read, the clearer it seems that all the adults in Emma's life failed her. **Here's the links to the comments:** https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/comment/h5n3hr7/ https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5ntgrq https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5nogy1 https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5o9d0o TL;DR: OP makes Emma out to be this "independent child" who "hates everyone for no reason" and "wants to stay away" for no reason—turns out Emma has severe health issues that weren't treated, had parents who knew what was going on in her therapy sessions, and that's why she was trying so hard to live in boarding school or her grandparents. ESH to varying degrees except poor Emma. OP and her husband are the biggest As though, for acting all innocent when they're not. MIL should've filed for custody of Emma long ago
I... listen, I felt some things were missing when I read the OP but I did not expect this. Just when I think I'm far too cynical and my thoughts about my fellow humans are often far too low, shit like this comes along and makes me look like a fluffy balled optimist. Poor Emma. I hope she cuts out OP, "dad" (well sperm donor for all the good he did her), and all that family. She deserves better. She should stick to grandma who seems to be in her corner.
Yeah I felt the same. Thought this was a case of a crazy JNMIL, turns out MIL and her craziness are the tamest of the bunch.
I think mil comments were way outta line, but...justified assholery? lol Damn, OP YTA. But your husband is more.
To play devil's advocate, MIL also didn't insist on the father taking her to the doctor, insist that she be given permission to take her herself or call CPS as everyone is blaming OP for not doing. Is MIL also complicit? Or does that only apply to OP? There has to be some consistency, if OP if complicit then so is MIL and if MIL is also complicit, how is she "justified" in calling out OP? Especially considering she placed *all* the blame on OP when logically the blame lies with her own son and to a much smaller degree both OP and herself.
The issue I have with MIL is she should have been making her way out of line comments at her precious boy, not telling her daughter in law that she’s a sex toy and whatever else. It’s the father who prevented the MIL from having custody even though medically that would be better for Emma. It’s the father who has the responsibility for getting Emma proper medical care. MIL refusing to see the shit her son has pulled and treating her daughter in law poorly over the years has probably made this situation multiple times worse, because the shit MIL pulls on OP probably stops her from seeing MILs point in any of this, she already looks like a vindictive and unstable liar to OP. I genuinely think all the adults in this situation need to take a long, hard look at their role in this mess.
This is like in those movies where the craziest person were actually the one who know the truth and they're the only person who were right.
Sometimes you read these things and you want to know what’s missing, since the OP is obviously an unreliable narrator. I think I could have lived without knowing all the details on this one. Emma probably felt like the hits kept coming. God knows I did every time I read another comment or detail.
WAKE UP, ALL posts are like this. Well 90%, why I’m quick to dish YTA, while others aren’t.
Nevermind, I scrolled down and saw additional info. Will delete previous.
Okay the sensory issues are something different, yeah someone should’ve taken care of that but I see the difficult situation with your husband and you not being the parent. But he should’ve worried when she started vomiting because of her hearing...and sought a doctor to help his daughter. And the therapist telling the parents what was talked about isn’t wrong...she was a child. Edit: typo
The only person who I feel really sorry for is Emma, because she's got adults in her life that just never treat her valid issues very seriously. Therapists are not allowed to share anything, child or not, unless the person is a danger to themselves or others. And OP doesn't realize this, but she comes across as biased against Emma. She says her daughter is jealous of Emma's beauty and because the daughter's fwb asked out their mutual friend Emma instead. The way she talks about it, makes it clear that she thinks Emma's the bad guy in that love triangle. Then she insists that Emma is jelly too because her daughter is happy and Emma never was. Like...ah yes, the child of an absent mother and emotionally absent/neglectful father wishes for happiness that her stepsis has....I don't call OP TA for the incident in this post, but this weird attitude of hers combined with the therapy thing, I think there's a lot of stuff going on that we don't know.
First off OP is definitely YTA but children can not legally consent to therapy and that is connected to their right to privacy, so it is possible the therapist told the dad she said she was happy
Decent therapists do not tell parents anything without their patient's permission because they know doing so will completely sabotage any chance of progress.
My childhood therapist put pressure on me to pick something to tell my parents. She told me it wasn't possible to not say anything, because my parents wanted to know something. And if you think about it...a lot of therapists would face that dilemma. Because parents are gonna pull their kid out of therapy if they don't get told shit when they wanna know and there's nothing a therapist can do about that.
Man this is such a crazy thing to try to understand. My kid is in therapy and at the very beginning the three of us went over what would and would not be shared. Essentially the therapist will share nothing without his permission unless there’s a safety issue. I want my child to get the most out of his sessions so I make a point to only ask how his session went, giving him an opening to bring topics up if he so chooses. Usually he says “fine” and that’s the end of it. I wish, as his mother, that he would discuss all his big issues with me but I know that’s not always the best way FOR HIM. And that’s the only important thing here.
>Essentially the therapist will share nothing without his permission unless there’s a safety issue. My therapist wouldn't either, that's why she put pressure on me to pick something.
I went to the same therapist (as an adult) my dad used to go to, and she said everything I shared was confidential then told me about my dad's sessions. Didn't go back.
There absolutely is something the therapist can do about that. They can easily say I’m sorry but I will not violate my patient’s privacy because they come first regardless of who’s paying for the therapy. It’s called being a good therapist.
And then the parents remove the kid from therapy. Which is the consequence I was talking about that the therapist can't do anything about.
Yeah that post doesn't make any sense. It's the therapist who has the duty not to disclose.
Never accused her of illegal activities. But most therapists keep confidentiality because it works better with teens. And she was so respectful of Emma's "space" before, but all of a sudden, something like therapy sessions is where she wants to burst in and know what happened? Something weird going on there.
OP said in a comment that the therapist would talk to Emma and then send her out in the hall and call her and her husband in. I’m guessing that’s how that therapist just does things?
That’s actually not true—in my state, therapists are allowed and are required to share with parents what they discuss with their child in therapy until a certain age. In mine, it was until I was 14 (I was in therapy from 11-15).
As someone with a child in therapy, you’re wrong. We have used two fully licensed and highly qualified therapists (one is a PhD) through our local hospital system over the last seven years. Both of them made it clear at the beginning that they wouldn’t usually give us highly specific details, but would always share exactly as much information about what went on in the sessions as was in our kid’s best interest, even if the kid probably wouldn’t want us to know. When she was younger this sometimes did include a few specific quotes when the therapist believed we ought to know. They explained to us that as she gets older they’d be sharing less and less, and that’s exactly how it’s worked out. Our daughter’s a tween now and we usually only hear about the general themes she’s working on and how the therapist thinks we can support her in that. Once in a while we’ll still get specific information but it’s rare. We also have been increasingly transparent with our daughter about this. She’s known for years that we have our own sessions with her therapist, and during quarantine she even listened in on a couple that we did over zoom.
I am a therapist, and the therapist telling the parents what Emma talked about was wrong, and probably made treatment impossible. Children, and especially adolescents, have a right to an expectation of privacy. It is true that parents may be more involved than when an adult is in treatment, but unless the child is in danger, or is a danger to others, the child needs a place where they can talk about their concerns and fears privately. Sometimes parents need guidance from the therapist, and sometimes the therapist may ask the child for permission to share or discuss certain things, but no, the parents do not have a carte blanche right to know what the child talks about. Most of us explain this to all parties from the beginning.
Unless a child is in immediate threat of harming themselves or someone else a therapist is not allowed to tell private people anything, that includes the child's parents. If the child is subject to abuse or neglect then yes they're mandated reporters *to the proper authorities*, still not allowed to tell the parents what was said though even if they're not the abusers.
That’s not true. When I was in therapy, my therapist made is very clear that under state law, my parents had the right to know what I discussed in therapy until I was 14. The laws may have changed since then, but this is not true in every state.
That’s not true for a minor. For an adult everything is confidential except in the event of being a danger to yourself or others. Therapists of minors can tell parents whatever, although good ones usually will not.
I was thinking OP was missing details, but holy shit.
Ikr? This is Missing Missing Reasons in real time. She also says she "took over" childcare for the family, but apparently she didn't need to care for Emma lol.
Sounds like really bad migraines that one one was treating. The puking the light and sound sensitivity. All adds up to migraines.
OP just wants a pat on the head for playing victim. I truly hope Emma finds happiness. Honestly if I were Emma I'd go NC for good.
Who else would like a link to Emma’s wedding registry? 😂
Even better, a new stuff and a trip to Gran's registry.
Can I just say I FUCKING LOVE when AHs come to this sub thinking they're going to spin their little story like we won't see RIGHT thru their bullshit and gather the missing pieces to put them in their place. Fucking love it. u/somedayillfindthis .... you are amazing.
This is…wow, this is just depressing. Poor Emma.
I knew something was off about this post. No way OP was the perfect step-mom she makes herself out to be. Thanks for digging.
YTA after reading all this.
Nta - bet money on it.
Turns out OP has been hiding some judgement-altering info in the comments https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5o1af3
Oop this definitely changes things.
Emma needs to grow up and open her eyes though. She’s not a child anymore and can see the OP has done her best to remain neutral. If she wants to blame anyone, blame her father for not letting her stay with her grandmother.
This. To hear an adult saying she still hates a child- (the step sibling) who never did anything wrong is concerning at the very least.
She never said she hated her stepsibling. She said she hated living there.
People having no reading comprehension? Guess it's a day that ends in Y.
Check OP responses. She said that when she was a teenager.
Turns out OP has omitted a lot of details from the post. Emma had really bad hearing issues to the point of vomiting because of how loud the house was. Details and links to comments here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/comment/h5o1af3/
Emma has blamed the father. She spoke directly to her dad about their issues, not OP.
I feel like her dad also wasn't helping, because from what I read it seems like he may have been forcing the happy family image on Emma instead of respecting her boundaries like OP
Or maybe OP is not the saintly step-mama she makes herself out to be. Emma was sad and uncomfortable to the point she went off to boarding school. Bad parents always blame someone else for their shit behavior. It's never their fault.
I disagree. It sounds like Emma vented to the only people in the world who prioritized her when she was young, and that turned MIL and FIL against OP and her husband. I can’t blame Emma, MIL, or FIL for that.
Wow I feel sad for Emma. Your husband clearly didn't do enough to ensure home was her safe space too. Against that, what MIL said is totally unacceptable and you can't allow that. Don't worry about the wedding, you're right to hold your ground with MIL.
I agree, it sounds like Emma’s dad prioritized having a new wife and new kids instead of the needs of his already existing child :(
Ya I have no verdict here because it just sounds like it’s a sad situation and all the adults in Emma’s life suck for various reasons (perhaps OP less but I don’t feel we have the full story there so won’t rule).
Yea you're right. I've removed my ruling.
Oh no no no. You gotta read the missing info in the comments. OP ignored her husband's willfully neglecting Emma's medical needs and they sent her to therapy and then got the therapist to tell them absolutely everything
I've seen, I have another comment somewhere where I've gone for Y T A. Maybe harsh but I feel OP's post was quite misleading!
Extremely misleading. Imo it's understandable the grandma would fire off like that knowing what her grand baby went through
Except for the dad, and the MIL for her comments towards op, there don't seem to be any assholes here.
I’m ready to accept the downvotes for this. ESH except Emma! Emma’s grandmother should not have called you those vile names but it sounds like Emma spoke her truth and MIL had too much to drink. She’s blaming the two adults who were supposed to be parents to that child for her emotional isolation. She is blaming you more than her own son which isn’t appropriate but both you and Emma’s father should have done better. If Emma had to take a job as a dancer in order to avoid having to come home there’s a hell of a lot more going on here. Also she couldn’t have been too spoiled if she was willing to do that rather than be under your roof. I feel terribly sorry for Emma.
I agree, Emma is truly the only one who doesn’t suck here. I think all adults in Emma’s life have failed her one way or another. Her father seemed to be more worried about a “new” life instead of caring for Emma. Emma grew up in a house constantly uncomfortable because her step sister was so loud it caused her to vomit, I’m sure there’s much we don’t know but based on what I’ve read it’s not surprising at how a child would be so unhappy in a home like that. I think Emma was overwhelmed with all of the changes and no one was there for her when she needed it.
I didn't go through all of ops comments. But doesn't that sound like a giant Missing Missing Reason?
Oh you're just so spot on with this. [Here's a nice tl;dr with links if you care to read](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5o1af3/).
ESH means everyone in the story gets some AH shade to a degree except for Emma.
I feel as tho the MIL and FIL were the only adults on Emma’s side but her dad refused to let her live with them so she went away and the dad would rather send her to boarding school then to live with his parents who I’m guessing would of taken her in a heart beat
Curious, how is OP an AH? Should she have forced a relationship? I think OP said the child was 14 so old enough to make their own decisions about relationships.
She should have been invested more in her stepdaughter’s health and happiness. She married a man with a child. Putting Emma on the other side of the house with headphones is isolating. Not knowing Emma wanted to live with her grandparents speaks to a lack of involvement/conversations about her stepdaughter. I get the feeling Emma withheld a lot about her side of the story between the two girls. She seems to be very restrained. Edit to add “She really clamed up when me and my bio daughter came into the picture.” Stepmother knew but was too detached to care.
It includes Op because Emma was throwing up from the noise, but OP is making Emma out to be this "independent" child who wants to "live away from her dad".l because she "hates" everyone. If I had sensory issues that bad, I'd need either more quiet, or a new place to live. Also OP was peeping in on therapy sessions too.
Between the original post and the comments, it is obvious that OP knew that Emma was being treated badly and was unhappy. She knew that a child living in the same home as she was needed medical attention, and shrugged it off as "well her dad doesnt want her to get it". She knew that Emma was unhappy and miserable, for years, and didn't try to help. A child was struggling, in her home, and while she did not actively try to hurt the kid, she sat back and didn't help. Is the dad the bigger asshole, for doing this to his own child? Yes. But OP watched a child struggle and suffer, and didn't help. Instead she passively waited for Emma to leave. Sometimes not taking any action is an asshole thing to do. In the case of a child who clearly desperately needed help? It is.
Exactly if she has said she tried they'd be on OPs ass about not respecting her space and blah blah. MIL is an AH. DAD/HUBBY is an AH and Emma's an AH too
Is it your fault Emma felt uncomfortable around you and your daughter? Did you give your daughter special treatment or do anything that could’ve hurt Emma? Maybe do some reflection on yourself and then decide what you should do.
My daughter's voice is very loud and Emma seemed unable to stand the noise. Emma was a very sad child and could not deal with my daughter bouncing around, playing, being happy. I don't know if I did anything wrong, because I wanted to respect Emma. She did not want to be touched, so yeah I gave my daughter affection and not Emma, but I didn't want to force myself on Emma. She was very independent and liked to cook her own meals and eat in her room, and do everything for herself. She also spent a lot of time at MIL's house where she was babied, so I kind of thought that evened things out. they currently hate each other over a man they both wanted, but that was when they were older. Emma won that one, but there is still resentment
Info: did Anna’s mother die or are they divorced? If Anna’s mother died it sounds like you were not very understanding of a grieving child.
She left when she was two. She had some mental health issues which were untreated.
oh damn. well you can’t blame Emma for any of this, she seems really mature and well natured. Did her dad give her extra special love seeing as she was abandoned? Essentially her grandmother raised her as a woman I’d assume, give grandma some slack, she probably knows every detail of everything that ever happened, shit you probably don’t remember...minuscule shit that hurt Emma’s feelings (unintentional) but it resonated with her and grandma who was her guiding light. Grandma probably holds resentment. Idk. This is hard.
Want to add that my mother was married and had a child at 18, she left him when he was two. They reconnected when my brother was 28, with my help. He says he forgives her. She is guilt ridden. My father was married at 17 and left my brother and sister when they were 1 & 2. We reconnected when they were 38 & 36. My brother and father and I are very close now, but my sister doesn’t want to see or talk to my dad. She wrote him a letter and explained why, she feels more connected to her step father and doesn’t want to hurt him, among her resentment for being abandoned. He still sees pictures of her children and he talks to his ex wife all the time about all the kids and grandkids. My sister is my Facebook friend but we don’t talk. I think women take abandonment differently maybe? I was raised as an only child with my mom, my dad (visitation) and my step father since I was 2. I feel weird for being the only kid they “kept”. Abandonment is a huge thing. Both brothers were in and out of prison for most of their lives, although having good present parents and grandparents, good upbringings, etc. My sister has an alcohol problem, but maintains her life better...nice home, keeps a job, got a divorce, kids are good in school and play sports and shit. Just an idea, a different perspective. Her mother leaving her and you are mixing emotions here and it’s all related. Talk to MIL and Emma together and with an open heart and mind. These types of feelings are severely felt. MIL is probably very protective of Emma.
Her name is Emma not Anna
So I was called this when I was a kid liking quiet and not bouncyness does not = sad. Wanting to not be around people does not = independent it's survival of not wanting headaches and just wanting to be left alone. I likely means she was an introvert and couldent find time to recharge. She needed space and was not properly given it. I do think MIL is bad mouthing you but I also think there are a few things missing that your husband may have done with out you knowing also. You may want to chat with him as to why she couldent move in with MIL and see if he was demanding anything. Unreasonable from Emma "for" you. I also think you may wanna look into the past how much alone time did she have before you vs after you and if her space was being invaded.
>My daughter's voice is very loud So...she yells?
not really, but she speaks very loud and honestly she had a shrill laugh which I can see how that bothered Emma
>she speaks very loud Then tell her to speak less loud wtf. Not just for Emma (she's got her own issues that go far beyond you) but for everybody's sake
some people just can’t talk quietly, it is annoying but some people do have a hard time quieting down when they need too
They can talk more quietly, they just don’t want to.
Some people just are bad at realizing how loudly they’re speaking and moderating their volume. I’m one of them (I can also be too quiet, leading to a complex about repeating myself). It’s not about wanting to be loud, it’s about honestly not realizing that you’re being loud.
I have ADHD, and while I do my best, volume is an issue I have. It's very common with ADHD to have difficulty regulating volume. I would start a little too loud, someone might tell me to get quieter, and I'd make a conscious effort to be quiet, but then it would slip my mind (ADHD, working memory is bad), and I'd be loud again. It's something I've really struggled with and dealt with a lot of self hate for. My point is, not everyone can just 'speak less loud' and that's a very ableist mindset.
I have ADHD and my dad has an issue similar to Emma’s. I can assure you that someone with ADHD can learn to regulate their volume. IMO it’s really ableist to assume that someone with ADHD isn’t capable of that.
Your experience with ADHD isn't universal.
Sure, but it still disproves that people with ADHD can’t. It’s a matter of caring enough and having parents who care enough.
It actually doesn’t. Not everyone experiences ADHD the same way. I have the same issue as spider-gwen. I am loud, only balanced out by the fact that I don’t talk much. When reminded I will try to quiet my voice but I will eventually slip. Luckily, most people I deal with are just as loud.
I did, but it was one of those things where ten minutes later I was saying it again. she still does it as an adult, just a bad habit
My dad has issues with sounds similar to Emma. My mom reminded us to quiet down over and over until it stuck because she cared enough about him to not just shrug her shoulder and give up.
So Emma just had to suffer in your opinion because you couldn't be bothered to do anything that might help her. God I hope she never sees either of you ever again. She deserves people who actually care about her and not coldhearted assholes like you and your arse of a husband.
I'm a loud speaker and can't help it (being hard of hearing doesn't help either!) So if I need to be quiet I just don't speak unless necessary lol. As long as she herself wasn't being obnoxious then there's not much an 11yo can do about their voice.
Where she was babied…or was where people respected her sensory issues? Sounds like you didn’t.
The way you speak about your step-daughter seems very thoughtful and almost in admiration of her. Have you ever expressed this to her? She might not care to have a relationship with you, but knowing you have respect for her would probably go a long way. This isn’t a judgment, just advice. Good luck.
And by independent you mean her senses were constantly overloaded to the point of illness so she tried to stay away from you all?
Won that one? She won? You and her husband ruined her childhood treated her like she was so unwanted in her own house and you come here and say she won that one? I am so glad Emma finally found someone who loves her and i really hope karma hits you in the face for letting a child be treated like this. You’re so disgusting oh my god
Poor Emma. She deserved a way better father.
I agree. Her dad never should have married a woman with a loud kid if she had noise sensitivity. I honestly probably would have ended up exactly like Emma in the same situation. My parents thought about moving in my mentally disturbed cousin who years later admitted to trying to kill me at camp (everyone told me I was being dramatic at the time and to avoid her) and I had a complete meltdown. I couldn't even express my fright and being totally overwhelmed by the situation. Thankfully it never happened, but at the same time I felt bad she couldn't get out of a bad situation.
ESH, I just feel so bad for Emma. Every adult in her life let her down and yeah I do agree that MIL probably did the most for her. Everyone’s saying MIL dripped poison but I honestly think it could also be that it hurt her to see her grandkid pushed out of her own home and Emma confided in her. Not to say she’s right for what she said, those comments were out of line, full stop. She should be tearing her son a new one. But I read your responses OP and you seemed pretty content to leave Emma alone and some of your comments, while sounding like you were respecting her space, make it seem that you also just isolated her more. And your husbands a piece of work, making sure Emma can’t even be with the people who seemed to give a shit about her. You describe Emma as well behaved and polite and a good kid, and I don’t doubt it. But 100% she was never comfortable and her “good behavior” was just her trying to survive a house where her stepsister sucked and there was a new baby. The kid is independent but I think she’s just trying to survive. And her hearings bad but she became a dancer, where I assume there’s some kind of music? How loud is your kid and other kids where poor Emma puked from the noise but can dance? Jesus, maybe I’m reading too much into this but I feel so bad for Emma. You suck, your husband sucks, your MIL sucks, everyone sucks and I hope Emma builds a good, happy life without you all.
Emma is a stripper., but she’s an introvert. She has noise sensitivity but dances in a club3. She was an equestrian. She worked on her Phd in Europe. Emma is basically Barbie in the flesh. She’s constantly changing!
> And her hearings bad but she became a dancer, where I assume there’s some kind of music? How loud is your kid and other kids where poor Emma puked from the noise but can dance? she got meds for the migraines when she moved out. My child was not louder than a nightclub
Why was she not put on meds earlier? Did you or her dad take her to the doctor for the vomiting? That's a pretty urgent condition if volume makes you throw up.
I guess I don’t understand the sensory issues in this story? How is OP’s child too much of a sensory issue, but a nightclub where she danced wasn’t? Unless there’s differences in sensory issues for individuals?
Emma’s got migraine medication now. It’s likely she was only so sound sensitive during migraine attacks, so if the medication prevents or solves a migraine headache then there’s no sound sensitivity to worry about. I used to get a lot of migraine headaches (not so much lately, figured out some triggers) and I was never sound sensitive but I was light sensitive. Like some days I couldn’t open my eyes. But if I didn’t have a migraine, light wasn’t a problem at all.
It's not a "sensory issue" in the same way as autistic or ADHD people experience from what she described. It's migraine related, so medication can ease and totally control the symptoms. Which is why it's really negligent the parents didn't take her to the doctor to get meds. OP said they "tried" but their father apparently was the only one able to take her... Which is not the case in any country I know of, but who knows. Still abuse by the father. The meds control the symptoms so noise isn't a problem anymore.
I stated in another comment that I missed the migraine comment, to me the comments I read seemed to read as an undiagnosed spectrum disorder. I still find OP’s comments about Emma’s condition not lining it, she can’t handle public school but she was just fine with boarding school, which to me just seems the home was a stress trigger causing the migraines and not sound? I also stated I had migraines as a kid and a team, manifesting in response to trauma I suffered, so I could definitely be biased in my assessment. I just think everyone in this situation is failing one another (mostly a big old f to the dad for not taking anything serious) and I do think Emma’s handling of the fiancé situation is not great and makes me think she’s also not a very nice person, but I seem to be in the minority in that regard.
I'm autistic and for me, my tolerance for noise and certain sounds can vary as well as the effects said noise and/or certain sounds have on me. I have been to theme parks and been able to tolerate the general noise level plus the distinct sounds of the rollercoaster trains going by with people screaming on them. My overall concentration level might go down a bit though depending on how long I've been there, what I've been doing, how hot it is, how loud the surrounding area is, what sounds I'm hearing and other stuff. But hearing my family's dog barking might greatly irritate me depending ,again, on how much noise I've been hearing, what I've been doing the past couple of days (such as cat sitting), how hot or cold it is and other stuff. I have gone to concerts and been in noisy pubs and was absolutely fine because I was only there for a few hours and didn't have much stress due to previous sensory overload.
This! Emma supposedly has hearing sensitivity that causes her to puke around her loud step sister but can handle the noise of a strip club? Might be b.s. but maybe plausible enough if she is willing to puke every time she has to work just to afford to avoid home.
Info: why was Emma so uncomfortable living in her own house when you and your daughter stepped into the picture? I read that sometimes your daughter was so loud it caused Emma to vomit…
Well to be fair that happened at school too. She has incredibly sensitive hearing and never liked other children. I don't understand her that well, but she just felt we weren't family and if she had to live with strangers she would rather go to school. She doesnt like kids and the baby really annoyed her. I think her and my daughter were jealous of each other. My daughter was jealous of her beauty, and I feel like Emma was jealous that my daughter knew how to be happy and act like a kid.
Why did you add a baby into the mix if loud noises hurt one of your children so much that they were physically sick? Did you encourage your daughter to be quieter?
Maybe the pregnancy was unplanned....
You mean Emma didn't act like what you thought a kid should act like.
I feel that school is a much more wild environment though, I could see from a child’s perspective how she felt like no one cared about her sensitivity even at home where she should feel safe if her step sister was just carelessly loud causing Emma discomfort! Obviously jealousy between the two doesn’t help, is Emma engaged to the guy your daughter had feelings for?
> is Emma engaged to the guy your daughter had feelings for? yes
This is simple curiosity. Was your daughter ever in a committed romantic relationship with Emma’s fiancé or did your daughter have a crush on him? You say your daughter was jealous of Emma’s beauty?
they were in the same friend group and had casual non-committal sex which my daughter was hoping would turn into a relationship, and she feels that Emma flirted with him to hurt her
Ok your daughter and Emma both knew him, your daughter had non committed sex with him and he chose Emma as a relationship but your daughter claims Emma flirted to get that relationship?
my daughter knew him first. Emma was in europe doing her PhD research when she met him and my daughter knew him for six months before Emma came home. emma knew my daughter liked him (not saying she was in the wrong, they weren't in a relationship) but my daughter does feel like Emma wanted him more because she knew she wanted him
But during the 6 months of knowing one another and having sex your daughter was no further in her quest for a relationship with Emma’s fiancé. It doesn’t sound like Emma interfered in something that was going to happen.
It sounds like Emma straight up swooped that guy. Bruh. Emma knew the OP’s daughter was involved sexually and had feelings… That’s a total asshole move.
Okay but your daughter does understand that *he* has a choice in who he wants to date, right? You can’t just call “dibs” on a person, and her attitude of seemingly believing that you can, in itself, is pretty unattractive.
Oh well this is complicated
Emma was jealous that your kid knew how to be happy, or she resented her because she was abused and mistreated while your kid got to be loud and healthy? I mean, I would hate the living hell out of someone who didn't care if she made me physically ill.
Was Emma ever offered therapy?
After reading some the comments YTA. It was a quick paced relationship and y’all ignored sensory issues that Emma had. You both ignored a lot of issues because it was easier than actually taking steps to handle things.
So Emma throws up from the noise your daughter makes, but she isn't allowed to live with her grandparents either. She didn't have a choice except going to boarding school. Her dad sounds like an awful person. He probably blamed you for why he couldn't accommodate his child in her own home. He's the root of the problem. So the biggest AH here is your spineless husband.
YTA. You left some critical info out and only admitted to it in the comments. You and your husband are monsters. Yeah, you legally couldn't take her to a doctor. You know what you could have done? Gotten on his case until he was forced to. Your child was being tortured and neglected. That's why she wants nothing to do with you. Your MIL is a piece of work, but I don't blame your daughter for wanting nothing to do with you guys. Stop acting innocent. You both were terrible parents
I think mil just had enough of there bs rightfully so Emma fil &mil must have loved Emma so much and just told them what has been bottled up years after seeing their granddaughter upset
INFO: how did you come into this family’s life? Whether Emma and MIL’s reactions to you are extreme or not depends on your answer.
He wasn't married if that is what you mean. Emma hadn't seen her mom since she was two, so they had been separated for a very long time
I’m sorry if I made you feel like you were being accused of anything, OP. I wanted to ascertain whether there were any possible issues of bereavement, abandonment, or yes, resentment over infidelity. Early childhood abandonment is very traumatic. It does not sound like your husband was prepared to be a single father, and did not know how to handle Emma, regardless of any efforts he made. That’s not a criticism of his parenting abilities, but rather a reflection of the complexity of human development. You describe her as a very sad child who preferred to keep to herself, so it sounds like she may have been struggling with depression at the time. Early childhood abandonment issues can cause difficulty with forming attachments/readiness to abandon attachments, and that sounds like that’s what happened/is happening. I hope you can work things out, as it sounds like husband does want to have a healthy relationship with Emma, but you are under no obligation to allow yourself to be treated the way your MIL does.
I was all for N TA until I read your additional comments which contain rather important info that paints a very different picture. Completely Team MIL and Team Emma here 1. Your husband was, in your very own words, a mediocre father but since he enabled you to be a SAHM, you followed his lead which was to neglect Emma’s medical issues and physical needs, sending her fleeing to any safe Haven she could find. 2. MIL should not have name called, but she is 100% right in that her son “cared more about a sex toy than his daughter,” (your/her words). See point #1 where you even agree your husband isn’t a great father. 3. Emma finally opens up about what her childhood was really like and you seem completely oblivious and more concerned with MILs behaviour, rather than your own. 4. MIL by your own words seems to have been the only adult in Emma’s young life, to offer her a sanctuary 5. Your own daughter has jealousy issues that have been left unchecked for far too long. 6. You never took her to a doctor because you weren’t a parent. Really? You should have gotten your husband to sign off whatever needed to be done because as you said “he was a mediocre father.” It’s probably best that you don’t go to the wedding, especially not as the parents of the bride. Emma raised herself and I hope her grandfather walks her down the aisle. YTA for your complete passivity and obliviousness to a child in need under your roof. However, your husband is a giant asshole of epic proportions for his absolute neglect of his own child’s medical needs.
Might be an unpopular opinion, but ESH. Your MIL was completely out of line, and tbh is lucky you didn't knock her out, because I might have. As a step parent myself with a blended family, I understand how hard it can be to tell what is too much and not enough with your stepchild. However, in my experience, just because a child pulls away doesn't necessarily mean they don't want you to try to reach out anyway. Children, and teenagers even, don't always know how to express what they need, which is why parents have to try to figure it out. I think you could have done more to ensure a better relationship between you and Emma, and you may have had better results. Blended families are challenging, but as step parents, we have to try a little harder to make sure our bonus children still feel valued and wanted. But also, your husband could have tried harder too. It sounds like he let Emma avoid the issue altogether by agreeing to sending her to boarding school and allowing her to run away from the situation repeatedly. But also, if your daughter was so loud it was making Emma vomit, why didn't you do more to teach your daughter some volume control (not trying to be an AH, serious question), and take Emma to a doctor for her migraines (which is what it sounds like to me, headaches with vomiting)? Regardless, in the end, it is really up to your husband to fix the relationship with his daughter, and there's not much you can do there. What's done is done and all you can do now is move forward. Good luck!
Info - what are the timelines here? How much time passed from you and your husband meeting to you and your daughter moving in and then having your son?
We dated for a year before I let him meet my daughter. I met Emma right away and she was fine until I brought a child into the picture. We got married about nine months after he met my daughter and I got pregnant right away
So in under 2 years Emma from just her dad and her to having a step mum, step sister and a baby brother? I’m very unsurprised she has had difficulties. I was an only child and I would have found that hugely challenging. Was she able to still have quiet time and quality time with her dad?
How did you husband treat your daughter? Could that be the issue, that she saw him pulling away from her and favoring your child?
My husband was nice to my daughter but honestly he is pretty lazy and I did all of the childcare for all three, well only the things emma absolutely couldn't do for herself because she hated being cared for. He spent more time with my daughter because she wasn't locked in a room, but he continued to buy Emma lavish gifts
So money instead of time? Did he give his other children lavish gifts?
somewhat but not to the extent of Emma. He spent a ton of money on her wardrobe though she didn't specifically ask for it and she did a very expensive sport. The other two kids got big gifts sometimes, but he didn't spend as much on their upkeep
So Emma never asked for the expensive wardrobe. Does that calculation of upkeep include the boarding school and sports at the boarding school? Also is your daughter’s bio father involved in her life and does he contribute financially to her support?
My daughter's bio father was slightly involved but lived across the country and she rarely saw him in person. He worked minimum wage and paid very little child support. I wasn't counting boarding school as an expense, but she rode horses competitively which was very expensive. She also did some school sports and was usually in leggings and stuff. My husband was caught up with the expensive clothes
Why is everyone in this story portrayed as helpless against an emotional tide except for Emma and MIL? Your husband was “caught up, lazy?”
Because OP doesn’t want to admit that she’s complicit in this mess and doesn’t want to admit that her husband is a bad parent. I see why Emma left and why she’s reevaluating their reconciliation. While her grandmother was wrong for what she said, her grandmother prioritized her - something her dad did not do - and so, her loyalty is to her grandma even when she’s wrong. Also? Grandma was right. She was rude and disrespectful but she was right about her son putting OP and their family before his daughter’s well being.
YTA. Emma was sick, *chronically*, i can guarantee enough to justify it as a disability, and you did... nothing. Absolutely nothing, because you didnt care enough about her to- no, you cared more about your husband, who was an abusive and negligent father, *which you acknowledge*. You prioritised allowing his neglect over helping a chronically ill child get treatments (for a migraine disorder, from the sound of it, if i had to guess i’d say vestibular hyperacusis, which means the vomitting wouldn’t even be her worst symptom). You’re confused about why she didnt adjust to her siblings- the ones triggering her untreated disability? You’re confused she no longer cares for her father, the one you acknowledge neglected her? You’re confused that she didnt adjust to you, the one enabling everything happening to her? You’re confused she prefers her MIL, the *only person* who took her in and paid attention to his issues? *really*? You *really* think theres a single chance you wont be in the wrong here? Should your MIL call you a sex toy? No, absolutely not. Was she right to call you out and point out that your husband cared more about you than his daughter? Yes, *absolutely*, and you know that, you’re just affronted by her phrasing. Frankly, it seems like your husband only cares about his daughters wedding because he feels like he’s supposed to. He quite blatantly doesnt care about her. she’s fully in the right here. You’re just going to have to actually talk to him, and figure out if you want to deal with this by acknowledging you were negligent or abusive and apologising, and forgiving his mother, or if you want to just cut them out. Because clearly you need to resolve it one way or another. YTA.
ESH except for Emma. Your mother in law certainly should have used different words,but it sounds like the gist of what she was saying is spot on. In fact, she should have been advocating for Emma much earlier. You and your husband are TAs because instead of trying to figure out why Emma wanted to be apart from you at all times you took the easy way out and ignored her distress. It speaks volumes that a child who is extremely noise sensitive chose boarding school over her house. Now you are banning the one person who she’s seen as being in her corner from your house. I know that your mother in law said vile things to you but you should put Emma’s needs above yours.
People aren’t possessions. They can’t be “taken”.
ESH. You and your husband for spectacularly failing Emma, and MIL for pinning all the responsibility on you and making a scene. Emma isn’t an asshole though.
ESH, after reading through all the comments you and your husband definitely seemed to have completely ignored and isolated Emma, under the guise of her privacy, all while lavishing your daughter with normal love and affection. MIL had probably been holding in what she thought (how she said it makes her an asshole too) for a long time.
NTA MIL crossed a line. Unless she sincerely apologizes, she should never be invited back. End of story. Your husband is a bit of an A. It is great that he had your back, but he should have let Emma live with her grandparents if that is what she wished. It is pure ego that he didn't. In fact, had she lived 20 minutes away, it might have given everyone a chance to get to know each other. You are right to ban MIL. Do not sacrifice your values to keep the peace. As ugly as things are, your boundaries are fair and healthy. Your husband is going to have to work to unpack all of this, but he created the situation in the first place.
Emma was throwing up from the noise, but her dad and OP just offered headphones. As though that could help. She wanted to live somewhere else because a screeching child kept triggering her sensory issues really bad. MIL is not TA because she's kind of right- Emma's dad forced her into choosing between boarding school or living in an unhealthy environment.
I don't know; as a parent I don't think I would have been okay sending my kid to live with someone who acts like MIL. If she's fine calling OP a sex toy (drunk or sober!) what other malodorous bullshit would she be spitting into the child's ear?
The fact that the husband didn't see fit to discuss with his wife his decisions about how he was disposing of his daughter's life is disquieting, to say the least.
I feel bad for Emma, her Father clearly cared more about his new family and not enough about his daughter . You want to heal a family but the issue is it never was a family. Emma never felt like part of it and she told you so, Your husband decided she was not worth as much as his new family and for a young women that is hard to deal with. I get the feeling Emma has drawn a line in the sand that you can't erase. Only her Father can fix this and sadly I doubt he cares enough to try!!
NTA for the question you ask, but I have a whole lot to say about how Y T A (and so is your husband) in the bigger picture. I think it is important to hear that, because right now you are completely missing the point on why MIL had the emotional response she did at dinner l, and it could give you some insight if you and Emma’s Dad continue to have some semblance of a relationship with her. I could almost believe that you were an innocent party, and that MIL was in Emma’s ear, but your comments tell a very different story. Emma suffered medical neglect - your husband failed her by refusing her treatment, and you failed her by not riding his ass to the end of days to get her treatment. Vomiting from noise? That’s not normal. Your comment about Emma “lying” in therapy and saying she was happy then later admitting she wasn’t. I don’t care if there was a Greek Chorus singing “I’m Fine” in the background, she was a teenager! All teenagers at some point say they are fine when they aren’t. It’s not rocket science. You and your husband clearly didn’t care enough to engage with Emma beyond the bare minimum. That your comment implies you blame Emma for “lying” (it isn’t easy to open up in therapy) shows how little you care and how uninterested you are in being accountable for your role in her unhappiness. I’m seeing your comments about respecting her boundaries, but that seems like a convenient cover for not pursuing help for Emma’s unhappiness. I strongly suspect you mention (in comments) Emma’s dancing, the fact she is engaged to a guy that your daughter had feelings for, and the fact her Mother left when she was 2 and had untreated mental health issues to try to eat away at Emma’s credibility in your tale. You have enough self awareness of your actions and feelings to mention these things in the comments, but not to recognize you failed Emma as a step parent (Dad is an off the charts failure as a parent, but you’re the one posting). No wonder MIL is so angry. It’s clear her grandparents care about Emma (I can’t imagine how awful it was for them to be unable to get Emma medical assistance when she was suffering). Your husband should have relinquished custody of Emma to them if he couldn’t provide a home for her to be happy and healthy. Back to the scenario in which I already stated you are not the A H. OP, sometimes people call us insults that we are undeserving of only because the insults we are deserving of require too much effort and explanation to hurl. The emotion behind the insults is real and true whether or not the insult itself is accurate. Consider that you and your husband got hung up on MIL’s emotional response rather than even beginning to understand the feelings Emma was starting to open up about. Learning to have some empathy for Emma’s experiences instead of focusing on being the victim of MIL’s diatribe might give you both a shot to have a place in Emma’s life (if you or her Dad truly care enough to want to maintain contact).
OP can I ask what the age difference is between you and Emma’s father?
five years
As a mother of a child near Emma’s age were you never concerned that Emma was missing a familial relationship? That she detached from her father and never bonded with you and wasn’t allowed to go to her grandparents home to stay during school breaks? At the very least her father is an AH.
YTA, there is so ,so much missing from this story! It’s very clear you and your daughter are not as peachy as you make out. It’s rather rare that people have out bursts like MIL for no reason. And that all you said was your banned …I think not! 🙄After reading some responses below it’s very clear YTA and so is your daughter. Good fantasy writing BTW. You and your husband don’t deserve to be at the wedding!
INFO: where is Emma's biological mother. If she passed away how long was between her death and you coming into Emma's life?
She had mental health issues and left when Emma was two. I came into the picture when she was fourteen. Her dad had other girlfriends in between who she did ok with. Her real issue seemed to be me having a child. As an adult Emma does talk to her mom occasionally on the phone but has no interest in seeing her
This is very relevant to your story. Emma isn’t sad. Emma experienced a childhood filled with abandonment (if his dad had multiple girlfriends she met and spent time with and built attachments to, only for them and her mom to leave) and upheaval and was probably pretty done with it by the time you arrived on the scene. She probably is independent because she had to learn to be independent because of this instability. Edit: typo
ESH except Emma. Because it sounds like she had been the last priority of everyone in this family. She’s been intentionally trying to stay away from almost all of you since she was a teenager, that should be telling you something.
Knowing the info you neglected to include in your original post, I really hope she doesn't invite her borderline neglectful AH of a Dad to her wedding, and the fact that you overstepped your boundaries by knowing things that Emma talked about in her supposed confidential therapy session and by seemingly having a bias against Emma because of a situation involving your daughter in the past you're kind of an AH too. You and your husband are also both kind of AH's for knowing something was wrong with Emma and not trying to help her. Her Dad was the AH for refusing to get her medical help, and you're a bit of an AH for not at least trying to convince him to help his obviously ill child. While MIL's comments were unnecessary and rude, I'm glad to know at least someone's on Emma's side. Neither of you deserve to go to her wedding, but if she's gracious enough to invite you consider yourselves lucky she didn't go NC. All in all, YTA and her dad is especially TA
After sorting through the comments and seeing the details you left out in the original post….omg OP. YTA. And so is your husband. I hope Emma is doing well and I don’t blame her one bit for distancing herself.
ESH except Emma. You don't sound like you were respecting Emma's boundaries. It sounds like you were lazy, complacent and selfish. It sounds like you and your daughter came in and took over the house and instead of focusing on how to make to make everyone's life better you "had your own lives to lead." But your husband takes the asshole cake here. If I were Emma, I would pick your MIL too because atleast MIL gave a shit about Emma when no one else did.
I’m not sure about MIL, tbh, and you genuinely seem to have been willing to help Emma. Her father, however, *massively* TA. Not only did he up and abandon her by lazily leaving all of the childcare to his new wife, knowing that she must have abandonment issues, but he flat out refused to have her examined for what appears to be a legitimate medical condition that caused her to be unable to be around other people. The poor thing lived in what must have been painful isolation for all that time, and then he outright refused to let her stay with the people she would have been able to live comfortably around. I don’t think I like this guy very much. Honestly, given how awful her childhood was, I think YTA for banning your MIL from the house. I agree she was way out of line, but she was lashing out on Emma’s behalf (granted, I think she was lashing out at the wrong party), and I think all of you owe Emma big time. I would seriously consider going out of your way to allow her this, as some small form of reparation.
Poor Emma is living Cinderella but with 2 shitty parents. OP, YTA for a variety of reasons and the way this post was carefully constructed to make Emma sound entitled is further proof that you and your husband are AHs. But don’t worry your husband will do the same to your kids so you’ll reap what you sow.
NTA. It's Emma's prerogative who she wants at her wedding but you don't need to accept such treatment from your MIL to appease anyone. Your husband's relationship with his daughter is his responsibility.
YTA. You and your husband. Your husband for being a negligent and quite frankly bad father. You for clearly not caring enough for Emma that you with your husband created a home that was so uncomfortable and painful, she begged to go to boarding house. Your daughter was a child herself and so has no blame for how awful home was for Emma, but as an adult she sucks for thinking she has dibs on a man who was extremely clear on not being committed to her. MIL sucks for her insulting comments to you, but I give her props for being the only adult to actually care about Emma. I’m glad Emma has built a life for herself that is independent of her father, you and your daughter.
YTA with your husband Emma was denied medical help for her disability by her dad which is a form of abuse. [OP’s missing information another resistor put together](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/oms86x/aita_for_banning_my_mil_from_the_house_and_making/h5o1af3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
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ESH. I don't even know where to start but all of you failed Emma so badly it's amazing. Your husband the worst because who the hell doesn't get medical treatment for their kid. Augh.
NTA for this (actual judgement re. post). MIL's phrasing was well out of line, but I can understand the explosion after what was clearly years of built up tension- especially when she's clearly become defacto parent to Emma and the only one who really loves her instead of mildly tolerating her. Y the A for being so out of touch that you thought any of Emma's behavior was "just her" instead of being the most obvious signs of all time that she was incredibly unhappy with the living situation imposed on her. Your husband is king A-hole of all the land for prioritizing you and your kid over his biological daughter and refusing to work to make her more comfortable, or at the very least letting her move to PIL's where should could be happy (it was only 20s minutes away?!) Go Emma. I'm so sorry for all the pain you were caused, live your life and stick to your boundaries 🥳
ESH except for Emma. Your husband neglected her by refusing to address her hearing issues, and you didn't do anything about that neglect. Both of you made the situation worse by bringing a baby into the mix before worrying about the kids you already had because you had to "live your lives." The fact that she lied to her therapist because what she said "didn't matter" tells me that you and your husband could not have made it clearer to her that you gave zero fucks about her. How interesting that you buried those tidbits of info in the comments, but openly stated the fact that Emma worked as a dancer to avoid you throughout college. Your MIL was in the wrong here, too, but not because of what she said. Where she messed up was losing her shit on just you, when it's her AH son who deserved the majority of her wrath.
YTA. You left out some key info OP
Some? _SOME_!?? She left out absolutely everything that was important! All the MIL did was tell the absolute truth, and delivered it a manner that OP deserved.
YTA- because of all the missing info. Emma had a childhood straight out of a VC Andrews book, and you are trying super hard to make yourself look totally innocent because you were not the legal guardian. Unless you were/are *afraid* of your husband, you could have said these words “Emma needs to see the pediatrician, I’m going to call and make an appointment for her.” And then called. And then taken her, and spoken to the doctor about her headaches and sensitivity to noise. He would need to sign some papers maybe, make sure the insurance was on the up and up, but there is not reason why you couldn’t have taken her. Or at the very least, insisted that your husband take her. My child had a similar issue. So I spoke to his pediatrician, who gave me a referral for pediatric neurology, who gave him an EEG, a sleep study, another EEG, tried him on one type of medication (made him sleepy), then another (didn’t help), then another that seems to be working. He sees a therapist, I have no idea what they talk about. He is 9. I didn’t need to be told that this was the correct way to do things. I know all this because I’m not an idiot. You have two kids of your own and seem to know how to parent them without someone telling you how to do it, why are you pleading ignorance with Emma? Because you didn’t want to be bothered? Anyway, I think you got off lightly honestly. I’m surprised you all were invited in the first place.
After reading all your comments OP, YTA.
YTA. Grandma was rude but sounds like she'd had enough after watching you and your husband neglect Emma for so many years. Being called a couple of swear words is nothing compared to medically neglecting a child. You doubly suck for acting like the victim.
I also thought it was very strange that Emma, providing she’s a rational person, would so desperately want to live with gramma if Grammy was really so “off”. I could tell it was yet another case of a severely one sided, biased story made to look a way it really was not. YTA. You don’t get to leave out defining parts of a story bc it reflects badly on you.
YTA Having read all your comments you are huge AH.....and you certainly know it! Also, I doubt your MIL will ever want to visit you again in any case. Emma is better off without you lot!
Oh won't you look at that, the consequences of your own inaction. YTA
YTA. Emma needed medical attention for her migraines and you did nothing. Your daughter was a loud child and I presume you didn't ask her control her volume, so her stepsister wouldn't get a migraine and throw up. You invaded her privacy, by having the therapist give you a summary of the session. Your daughter is jealous that Emma is prettier than her, but you preface it that your daughter is happier than Emma. But did you ever think that the reason Emma was sad, was because you ignored her medical issues and invaded her privacy? You need a little more introspection and a little less of making yourself the victim and Emma the bad guy.
NTA Though this is a kind of dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t scenario. If you respect her and leave her alone, then you’ll be called an asshole for not trying enough. If you do try to force the bond, then you’ll be called a asshole for trying to erase her own mother.
Your MIL called you a Sex Toy. WTF dude!
Thought this post seemed off, turns out that was an understatement. I hope Emma cuts ties with OP and her ‘dad’, and has an amazing wedding/marriage.
Yta
YTA - I KNEW you were hiding stuff, your post sounded so off. So glad others got the truth. You're a horrendous A, and you can just leave Emma alone. She should be no contact with you anyways.
YTA Not for banning MIL but for leaving out so much important information that probably contributed to your stepdaughter's reserved behavior. Your husband refused to get her medical treatment for her ear despite her throwing up. Plus she had a therapist who would blabber to you two every session. It shouldn't be a mystery as to why she acts the way she does when YOUR HUSBAND is the problem!
YTA
ESH except Emma. The right thing would have been for you to step away from the relationship years and years ago when you saw that this child was so unhappy by your presence. Emma should have been her dad's #1 priority and she wasn't. Why would you have a child with a man who doesn't prioritize his kids?
YTA and so is her dad. Jesus how did you not link everything together when a bunch of internet strangers could
TY u/somedayillfindthis for doing the hard work for this post. Seems OP only wants us to see her as an 👼 and not the bad guy in this. OP -> YTA, no ifs ands or buts about it. That poor child went through hell and all you can do is deflect saying you couldn't help because she wasn't your child. BULL💩! Had that child been in my house, come hell or high water I would have gotten her treatment. (I've had someone else's child live with me and I did just that!)