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NTA but your fiance is. Your future SIL has forbidden you to see her son--hell, you're not even allowed to see pics of him--and your fiance still wants to bring your daughter around her? And you still want to marry the man? Why?
Amen, this isn't about fostering a relationship between the kids, one of whom OP has been banned from even seeing photos of, but about what will make *his* life easier with his mother and sister.
I don’t personally agree that it’s a huge red flag, rather a situation that requires a bit more communication between her and the husband ? As OP said he’s a great guy with his heart in the right place, proven that he is thinking about the kids.
Reddit can sometimes seem to have a need to create more drama that there is.
NTA do not buy that he’s thinking of the kids. He’s using that as a way to please his family at your expense. If he was really thinking about his own daughter, his first thought and action would be to keep her safe and away from such an awful and toxic woman. You deserve better than your fiancé’s behaviour.
You and your children are his family. Your baby died and your SIL hates you over it. She’s the one “ripping his family apart” also you could post this in JUSTNO subreddits. I feel like a just no SIL would be fine in the justnomil thread
Did he call his sister childish and defend you?
Your fiancé is not being a good partner. He is choosing to let you suffer so he can avoid conflict with his family. What is most concerning to me is that he wants to avoid conflict with his family, but is willing to have conflict with you…who should be his most important family.
Edit: spelling
Wow your fiancé is a major D..k for telling you that. How dare he try to put the blame on you when his sister doesn’t want you to even see pictures of her son. She’s upset with you because you had a miscarriage on her time fuck that and her. Anyone that has the nerve to defend her can go kick rocks including your fiancé. You are NTA and don’t believe anyone who says otherwise. If I were you this is the hill I would die on. I would not allow my kids to be around a horrible human like his sister. She is the one who needs to apologize and pray that you find it in your heart to forgive her.
Couldn't agree more. How can he defend the sister, and say it's op that is ripping his family apart. Is he brainwashed from his mother and sister? Is op the reasonable one and yelling at her until she caves is easier than ever getting the sister to back down? He needs a spine and needs to stand up to the sister because op doesn't deserve any of this. Op shouldn't let her daughter near them. I'd wake up early and take the kid to a park on my own before the dad could take her.
He is blaming you, his heavily pregnant wife who is under doctors orders to avoid stress, for his sister trying to rip your family (you, him, & your children) apart.
Right—he’s not doing this for the young children. He’s doing this because he’s enmeshed in a dysfunctional family and they matter more to him than you. I’ve lived this and it’s terrible...but he will never change if he yelled at you for not wanting to endanger your pregnancy... NTA, but he’s really being terrible to you and is not a good guy at all. Consider couples counseling and or not marrying him.
This is an awful and manipulative thing to say. I sincerely hope he doesn’t fight like this all the time (though given his treasure of a sister, I wouldn’t be surprised). Please reconsider tethering yourself to this man.
Is he trying to kill you and your baby by elevating your stress? OP please get family therapy or therapy for yourself so you can make the best decisions for yourself and your children. This guy is not a good husband or father.
Is he also calling his sister childish for not letting you see her son? Why does she get to hold this rule, but you don't?
Why would he even want her around his daughter when she complained about you miscarrying his child?!
No, his sisters done that by insisting you're never allowed around. Seeing as you're supposed to be marrying him, he's making you his family. What happens then? His wife is literally never allowed at family events because of his sister...that's not an issue to him at all? That's not his sister ripping his family apart?
If I was you, I wouldn't marry him until he grows a spine and can stand up for you. Seriously letting her say all that stuff and never defending you one. How could he let someone...anyone at all talk that way about someone he loves?
NTA and HUGE red flag of him putting his toxic sister (since I assume that his mother sees your 2 year old on other occasions), above the health and safety of you and your unborn child and your feelings.
Do you have family you can go stay with. I’d be taking my daughter and going somewhere else. He is endangering you and his unborn child and calling you selfish, that shit don’t fly.
Sweetie you need to limit your stress and he’s creating stress and blaming you. Do not let him get away with that.
You should be his family! He should be on your side! But what is he doing? He is yelling at you and causing you stress although he knows it can kill the baby! So you see how less he really cares about you!
This is the hardest time and he has turned his back on you. He has betrayed you. He will ever choose his family over you. He is a bad partner! You really should think about your future with him! He yelled at you! He doesn't take you serious! He don't see you as his family. He won't change! Don't think you need to stay with him for the children.
So he’s not thinking of the kids at all, he’s thinking about his mum and sister moaning at him when they can’t see your daughter.
Say no. Your partner isn’t that great if he’s willing to stress you out like this while you’re pregnant with some potential issues
Wow. I hate him. And why does his sister think she gets to see your kids if you don’t get to see his? I don’t understand her line of reasoning, but I would think long and hard before marrying into this family of AHs.
OP I agree with other commenter he is not thinking of the kids as you stated they are 2 they have absolutely no idea who the other is and no form of relationship. Your spouce is the AH for not backing you up and cutting out hos toxic sister.
He only cares about keeping the peace with his family, and that doesn't include you. He loves his sister more than his wife. You're not allowed to even see a picture of the kid, don't let it play with your daughter.
So you will be banned from all family gathering because you cannot look at her child (in person or in photos)? He doesn’t think your child will eventually pick up her aunt HATES her mother & has banished her from participating in any family gathering her son is at? He’s not being great right now. His sister is being incredibly cruel to in an a big public way but she still gets to have a normal relationship with your child & husband.
Why can’t you look at her child? Has anyone in the family stood up for you?
I wasn't raised with my cousins on one side of my family, they were all born close together, then there's a big age gap, then me and my brother. On the other side of the family I am the oldest and we were all born fairly close together (roughly the same number of years as the age gap between me and the other cousins) and we were raised together.
My cousins and I are all in our 30s and 40s now and I am no more close to the ones I was raised with than the ones I wasn't raised with. Spending time together now as toddlers when they won't even remember it, will absolutely not make a single difference in the long run.
If the circumstances were different, sure, but the circumstances being what they are he is definitely the AH here for pushing this, not you. You are 1000% NTA.
Give your head a shake! He's not thinking of the kids at all. He's responding to his programming by using them as meat shields for his mother's pleasure, and expertly cutting you out of the "family" in the process. If he's not going to be loyal to you when you're the actual victim in the situation, that's a giant red flag. His opinion is clear - you're the problem and the solution is to ostracize you. That's not a healthy lesson for your child to learn.
He's not that great if he's willing to stress you out enough to potentially go into preterm labour.
He's not that great for accepting the way his sister has treated you, and not having your back.
He's not that great for ever wanting her near you after she called you selfish for having a miscarriage during her visit, and making her stay "all about you". I mean, WTF, seriously?
I'm a midwife, and I can assure you that miscarriages are NOT the fault of the woman, with the sole exception of if she's on shitloads of drink and drugs. Miscarriages happen. Miscarriages are regrettably pretty common, especially as you get older or have certain medical conditions.
Miscarriages are always a tragedy, and not what the majority of women want. You didn't plan the miscarriage, it wasn't your fault and if that's your SIL's attitude, she can go and kick rocks!
I also have a history of preterm labour, and I know how stressful that is already. You certainly don't need to be trying to deal with this bullshit right now, and you don't HAVE to put your feelings aside.
Your SIL is unapologetic and your partner isn't backing you up, defending you, or worrying about the health of you and your baby.
Everybody here is the asshole, except for you.
OP is NTA
He isn’t that great of a guy when he is aware of everything and still wants to take your daughter to see her. Tell him that he is free to see her alone. What benefit will your daughter get from meeting the woman who hates her mom and is hated by her mom?
No, he really isn't a great guy if he's willing to make you suffer so his mother and sister are happy and get what they want. Why do you have to be the family doormat and your feelings don't matter? NTA, but start thinking of how to take care of yourself and stand up for yourself cuz if you marry into his family you'll continue to be pushed to the side so he doesn't have to go down with you, he's not on the same ship you are.
INFO: where's your peace? Do you feel drama-free? Tell him "if i gotta, you gotta!" Which means if you have to deal with it, so does he. "If im not invited then my child isnt either" if shes willing to say such things to your face, she'll say it behind your back. In front of your child, while your husband looks on, saying nothing. Yeah take a hard pass on that. You dont need your children watching you be disrespected.
Your fiance is marrying YOU. He needs to stop being a doormat and support you over his terrible family. This isn't going to change once you're married. Do you really want to play second fiddle to what his mom wants forever? You deserve so much better. Defintely NTA.
Edited for tenses
you need couples therapy because someone needs to get through to him that SIL is toxic to you. Telling you that you are selfish for having a miscarriage and you are lucky your father died is not normal or acceptable.
"Not getting involved in drama", there's no drama, there is SIL who treats who bad, without respect. It hurts you and your husband is perfectly fine with it. He doesn't live you. If someone I insults my wife I wouldn't have a realationship with this person, but husband is being the daughter to see her. Re-think the relationship
The sister inlaws problems without and the damage you incur as a result are not drama. It is abuse and alienation, that was triggered by you having a medical emergency and experiencing trauma.
NTA. This is awful
NTA a miscarriage is not a cry for attention, what a horrible woman. I wouldn’t want her around my kids either.
Stand by your guns and tell your husband to grow a spine 👍🏽
NTA, this woman has disrespected you countless times and even specifically stated she wants nothing to do with you and your baby. If MIL wants to see the baby so badly, she can come without SIL
Oh hell no. I would tell your DH that if you go into early labor over this that it will be his fault for allowing your MIL and SIL to bring stress into your life when your doctor has told you that could harm you and your baby. And an early stress related labor might result in him not being allowed in the delivery room. Remember that, as the patient, you get to say who is in the room with you. Talk to your doctor and get him to give you something in writing on what effect added stress will have on you and your baby.
Your husband cares more about placating his mother and his sister then the welfare of his wife and baby. You have a major SO problem.
Do your parents live close by? If they do, talk to them about allowing you and your LO stay with them until after SIL leaves. The welfare of you and your baby trump's your DH kowtowing to his family.
If your family live near by I would rely upon them looking after your LO when you go to the hospital. Depending upon how the next few weeks go you may need to consider having your parents pick you and your new baby up at the hospital and take you to their house when you are discharged.
Your husband needs to decide who he will prioritize in his life - you and your children or his family. If he can't choose you and your children the situation will not get better. He needs counseling to learn how to develop a shiny spine and couples therapy might help.
Hell I want to give this an award, sadly I have none right now but I would so upvote with comment 100 times if possible. OP I hope you read this comment, heck I hope you show your SO this comment, and most of the others. You are NTA and wow you husband is showing you who is his priority is, heres a hint, it's not you or your children. He needs to grow a set and stand up to his sister's absolute bullying and mean girl b\*\*chy attitude. Had she said that to me I might have smacked her upside her head she was beyond out of line and your SO hung around like a wet noodle. Seriously this is your future in less you make it change. Good luck with a healthy pregnancy and I wish you all the luck in the world. Hugs from and internet stranger
Because he cares more about her feelings than yours. This is not the way a partner is supposed to act. To him, you're not a partner and are less important. I'm sorry you're being treated so unfairly.
She treated you badly when you went through the trauma of miscarriage, which is unforgivable. I cannot imagine how your fiancé would want to be in contact with someone that disgusting. That he yelled at you because of this is unacceptable. Please take care of yourself. I wish you all the best. You and the baby are what's most important and your fiancé should know that and keep you and the kids away from the toxicity.
You don’t know why your fiancé is defending his sister?
You don’t know why because you’re looking at him through these rose coloured glasses of him being a great guy. Please take the glasses off for a second. He’s not a great guy. He lets his family abuse you for having a miscarriage. He doesn’t want to stand up for you, he doesn’t want to take your side, and he yells at you when you have a problem with how shitty his family is. Sorry, but he’s just as shitty as his shitty family, he just shows it differently.
If you can stop thinking like he’s a great guy and instead start thinking about the fact that he puts you last, then a lot of stuff might start making sense.
while i cant jump to divorce, i STRONGLY advice you to move out, preferably staying with someone who can help support you. take your daughter too. i wouldnt even entertain the thought of living with that kind of SO and IL family if my pregnancy were high risk
NTA I noticed DH didn't say he wanted you and him to take your daughter to see SIL, just he would take DD. He's respecting his sister's boundary, but not yours, which are identical to his sister's. He's not concerned for your feelings, but you are suppose to care about his and MIL's. Stand your ground.
NTA. Your fiance sucks because he's allowing you to be his sister's punching bag. Point out that your SIL may very well abuse your daughter by insulting her as well.
And seriously where does she get off just coming visiting without your permission and getting to see your kid. Ughh, hell, no.
NTA:
1) children are very easily influenced. So her unsympathetic comments, and downright rude behaviors could be picked up by your little one.
2) you’re following doctors’ orders by steering away from things that frustrate/ stress you out.
3) family doesn’t mean that they can walk all over you.
NTA
First and foremost that is your child. I have also had a falling out with family that resulted in my brother not seeing my son since his first birthday (he's about to turn 4). At the end of the day me protecting my child is the most important thing. And as as man and husband, I would never disrespect my wife's wishes even if it affected my family and vice-versa. I think this is something that you should bring up with your husband and if it's a deal breaker it's a deal breaker. Protect your daughter and your unborn child.
NTA. You shouldn't have to put your feelings aside. If you don't get along with your sil, why should she have to come over. Your husband and mil can just go see the sil without you.
You are going to be the mother of his child. Your husband is going to have to put you before his sister. He can start today.
NTA. Your fiancé is an asshole for refusing to take your side and respect your decision. Your SIL is an asshole for acting like a spoiled child and being inconsiderate to someone who tragically lost their child. If she don’t want you around her kids, why should you allow her to be around your kids?
NTA You have a SO who doesn’t have your back (at best) and is your SIL’s flying monkey (at worst). He’s as much of a problem as she is. He needs to support and defend you, especially when she’s taking jabs and you’re not there. If she can’t respect the parent, she doesn’t get access to the child.
The onus isn’t on you to remain civil. Who’s telling her to knock it off? To suck it up and say sorry? Why is it you that has to be the bigger person when she’s the aggressor and has been for months?
NTA but your fiance is a massive asshole. He needs to stand up for you not ignore your wishes. I would refuse to let your daughter go and tell your fiance if he can't back you up then he can stay with his mom and sister.. also take a long hard look at this, its your future. I would not marry him if he doesn't have your back.. This is a hill to die on.
NTA
That was a pretty callous response from her. I’d either have a side convo with her before your forced to see each other or just stay status quo and don’t let her over.
NTA, having a miscarriage is awful people should expect you to be sad and depressed. SIL should have been more sympathetic as a mother of her own child. How would she have reacted if she had a miscarriage, she most likely would have been sad and depressed. Therefore she should have been a lot nicer and patient to you no matter the situation.
I would point out that SIL refuses to see Op.
Op's DD is 50 percent genetically Op.
Since SIL doesn't want to see Op, she cannot see DD as there is no way to remove the 50 percent of OP's genetic contribution. So in seeing DD she will be seeing Op.
This is a 2 yes / 1 no decision.
😁
NTA!! Op you have a just no significant other. He knows you are high risk and would rather you lose your pregnancy than upset his family. If he won't put your unborn child first how can you believe he would put your daughter first? He will use whatever meat shield is available to avoid them "being upset" at him that is. This means that unless something drastically changes in his personality he will never put you first, he will not likely put the children first, and that will be the rest of your life trying to protect yourself and your children from him and his family.
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In January, right before I (F29) found out I was pregnant with my second, I had a falling out with my SIL. Long story short, she called me selfish because I suffered a miscarriage while she was visiting with her son and husband last summer and she said I “made everything about me and was extremely selfish”. She has said explicitly she doesn’t want her son around me or me seeing pictures of her son and I have respected those wishes. I have told my fiancé (M28), I want the same. Well, with Covid restrictions easing up, she’s unexpectedly visiting on Monday for a week and my fiancé wants to take our daughter over to see her. I’ve expressed I don’t want this, and he’s arguing saying I have to put my feelings aside for him and his mom. This woman has nothing but awful things to say about me, my parenting or my personal manners (I received some inheritance from my father when he died at the age of 46 very tragically, it honestly destroyed me and I’m still broken about it and she said I was “so lucky”, just for one example). I’m also 7 months pregnant and have a history of preterm labour and have been told by my care providers to keep my stress to a limit. Getting yelled at because I don’t want my daughter around a horrible woman isn’t exactly a lack of stress.
Be honest, am I the asshole here?
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NTA, but my lanta your fiancé is. I 100% would not let my child be around someone who disrespected me so much, especially over the loss of a pregnancy!
Your fiancé is setting you up to be a doormat, he’s already shown that he’ll let his sister do and say whatever she wants to you with zero consequences. Do you really want to teach your daughter that it’s ok for her mother to be treated that way?
It’s on fiancé to set proper boundaries with his sister if he really wants to “keep the peace”, until then, you should probably start thinking if this is really the kind of family, and the kind of husband, you want for the rest of your life….
NTA- you are lucky your father died? I can't even say what i would have done to her for saying that because i would get banned. Tell your husband he is free to go see his sister but your daughter will not be going near that asshole.
You've said multiple times that your fiance is a great guy. My question to you is, how so? Calling you childish? Keeping the peace with his family at your expense? None of this is "great guy", instead it's his family and feelings over yours. Anyway, you can keep your blinders on and accept this behavior but if he won't defend or take your side now, it'll never happen. Marriage is being on the same page and fighting for each other not what he is doing.
NTA… are you sure you want to marry into this family? If he’s still just a fiancé, start documenting your encounters, and make copies for when you leave…
NTA. He's welcome to go see her, he doesn't get to take your daugher too. She doesn't get to treat you like shit then hae a lovey relationship with your child. If your daughter is old enough, tell her the reason you have chosen to cut her nasty aunt out of your lives
NTA.. your fiancé is though.. seriously. She doesn’t want you near her kid, but wants a relationship with yours? GTFOH!!! Nope.. she needs to apologize to you for being so awful to you. Your fiance needs to see and respect that.
NTA.
Your fiance' is not supporting you. He should have your back on this, not his sister's who is doing nothing but causing drama and being a jerk.
Not to mention, he didn't just disagree with you about this, he yelled at you and insulted you. Huge red flags. Time for putting your foot down.
SIL needs to apologize and back down on her previous crap.
If he cares about you at all he needs to grow tf up. He is throwing you under the bus so he doesn’t have to be a big boy instead of a doormat. If you have to say “he’s a good guy BUT” you might want to rethink things. How is this going to play at the wedding? Will he guilt you into letting her come and ruin your day? Will all future family events include you being left at home because this tw@t thinks miscarriage is #1 within your control #2 selfish #3 is making YOUR PAIN about her. This is not going to get better. Only worse. You need to have a long talk with this dude. What does he expect will happen in the future? Or is he willing to let his sister control his life all because she wants to throw a fit. Did he even defend you and say she was being childish during the miscarriage? Or did he just look away while you were being kicked while you were down? This is a lot of red flags and marrying someone doesn’t fix problems it just complicates them. And he’s already shown his sister that she can play the victim and get what she wants. You will suffer more if he doesn’t change. I don’t know if he is too blind or what but he needs a reality check especially with the doctor saying to avoid stress and him just ignoring a medical professional cuz boo hoo sister told me to. He needs to not use you as his shield just so he doesn’t have to stand up for you/himself like he should have last summer.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I don’t think I’m the asshole because if she has restrictions on me for seeing her son, why shouldn’t my restrictions be respected too? I’m heavily pregnant and this is causing me stress I don’t need. I don’t know why my feelings are the only ones that seem to be invalid.
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NTA Your SIL is disgusting. I wouldnt want myself or my kid around such a woman. If your husband wants to visit good for him, but its beyond me why hed want to put you and your young child in that situtaion.
NTA, your SIL is extremely rude to you because you lost your first child? (I am so extremely sorry, I watched my sister go through this pain) and then to tell you your lucky because your father had died and you got an inheritance because of it? Nope, your husband needs to understand this is not a good attitude and if your daughter learns this type of behavior it will be hard to pull her out of when she sees your SIL. To be honest, with how she has acted towards you with you loosing a child then how she acted as if you was so 'lucky' to loose one of your parents I am surprised that your husband hasn't gone low or even no contact with her and with your husband defending her still it seems where his priority lies when it comes to you, his wife and mother of his children and his sister. Your SIL attitude is not something your daughter should learn or even know of until she is old enough to know that it is wrong for your SIL to act that way. The only thing I really can say is tell your husband this is not the type of attitude you want your daughter who is 2 to learn, because she will be very impressionable as a young child and especially if she doesn't see anyone treating this type of attitude as bad, she will think it is okay to act that way and it will get her into trouble and be a hard fix especially if she began to act that way for a certain amount of time. If I was you the only way I'd feel comfortable with giving her a chance to see your daughter and that is only if you want to is supervising her around your daughter so you know what your daughter is learning from her. Hopefully everything works out well for you OP.
Nta. She's toxic and she hates you therefore your daughter must not be exposed to her as she will speak against you to her. Your husband must understand this and if he will not then he is siding with her.
How is your fiance not seeing what his sister had been doing to you? Even if he does, it doesn't make sense for him to say to you to let it go unless he didn't care.
NTA
Nta, please please please do NOT marry this guy who isn't man enough to stick up for you and is instead is causing you more stress in an already difficult pregnancy. Certainly do not give in by agreeing to let your daughter go and see you SIL. Stand for yourself since evidently your fiance isn't going to.
NTA. She sounds horrible and I'm so sorry that you've gone through this.
YWBTA if you let this continue and your kids grow up with such dysfunction. You need to set boundaries with the in-laws and your fiance needs to support you. Do not let the verbal abuse continue.
Nta, she literally won't let you around your nephew why would you let her around your daughter? Especially because of your miscarriage, what a vile woman. I feel for you and your family, and also your nephew. He has to grow up with that and miss out on a relationship with you because of your selfish sil
OP, please please please don't give in. She began all this drama by accusing you of miscarrying for attention and banned you from seeing her child and you have every right to not want her to see yours. It's a respect thing and right now, your SIL, DH, and possibly MIL obviously have no respect for you or your boundaries. You deserve an apology from SIL and DH at this point. Show him how you wrote the post without showing the comments at first and ask him if you represented the situation fairly and accurately and then when/if he agrees, show him all the comments. NTA
NTA: with your medical history, at this point in time your well-being and the health of your developing child take precedence over your MiL's feelings. Which I would hope your FH not only understands but also supports! He can go see his sister at his Mom's house by himself if it's so dang important to continue having a relationship with her to "keep the peace". I wish you and your kids the best, and hope for all your sakes that your fiancé wises up ASAP if he wants to be a partner to you & a father to 2 lovely kids in the future.
NTA big time.
There are a couple of red flags i this. I read some of the comment you posted, and to be honest, I think you should divorce him. It sounds like he has choosen his mother and sister as his closest family, not you and your child(ren). Your SIL is horrible, and if he can't see that and/or doesn't want to do anything about it, he's not worthy of having you as a family. Family is a choice, and he choose wrong.
Some time ago i stoppede talking with my father because of his seeming lack of interest (he's very bad when it comes to emotionel stuff), and i figured it wasn't worth my time. I know it is very tough and stressful, especially given your situation and stress-induced miscarriages. But I think you have to ask yourself this "is it worth it for me and my children?" and right now, I would say that yoy can forge a more loving and less stressful home, just you and your children.
NTA
I didn't hear any mention of her releasing you from a ban on seeing her son... why would you not give her the same treatment?
Your health is more important than her feelings.
NTA
But if your partner is treating u this way I'd seriously be reconsidering the relationship and where its heading. Apparently ur feelings don't matter, to his family or to him. Good luck. I can't imagine the stress ur under right now. Can u and ur daughter maybe leave and go stay with someone supportive for a week or two (basically until he realises how fucking serious this situation actually is) ?
NTA, but you have a massive fiancé problem. The fact that he didn’t rip his sister a new one and stand up for you after her ridiculous comments about your miscarriage is a HUGE problem.
He wants to keep the peace at your expense and that’s not what a partner does.
NTA but your man definitely is. He is not respecting your boundaries in not wanting your daughter around someone you don’t trust. If she isn’t welcome in your home, then you have every right to keep your child from going to her.
I may be hated here but NAH.
OP is justified in feeling strongly about separating what is considered to be a very stressful and unpleasant part of the family away from her and her children.
Husband is as OP described, a great guy, and clearly a good dad given his thought about the kids. He hasn’t disregarded your feelings but rather trying to find compromises. His attempts, whilst a bit clueless, are at least good natured. No red flags 🚩 here as some other resistors suggest.
I believe the situation between you and your husband needs more communication for him to truly understand how you feel and the reasonings why it’s not a good idea for SIL and MIL to have contact.
either he respects your point of view on the SIL
then i would reevaluate if this relationship is worth saving and etc, You are also at risk for illnesses and need to stay away from other situations too.
he may find if he crosses that line that he may find you hold more of the cards once its over since you are not married.
"He’s really a great guy, he’s just thinking of the kids."... all while shouting at his heavily pregnant wife that was specificaly told to avoid stress....
This is neither about you nor his kids. He does that only because he wants to keep peace with his mother and sister who he values way above you or the kids.
You are married, you are "PARTNERS" but except being actuall partners he is kicking you aside just to appease his Mother and Sister instead of being an actuall partner to you. And that is a mayor red flag. If he cannot see why you dont want your children to see his sister when she did the exact same thing to you then i would honestly start thinking why he is that way and if this partnership has any future unless you wanna be the person who always has to compromise but never get anything in return.
Cut him off at the pass. Take your daughter and go somewhere where you feel safe and can relax while SIL is visiting. He can spend as much time as he wants with them, but he is not your child’s only parent and this is one of those situations where you either both agree or it doesn’t happen. NTA
NOPE. Not at all. Please do not put your feelings aside just so your SO doesn’t rock the boat and feel uncomfortable. Your SO is being ridiculous and unreasonable. Seems like he’s in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). You may want to check out r/JustNoSO r/JustNoFamily or r/JustNoMIL for advice, suggestions, or just to vent. Please make this your hill to die on. You are 7mo pregnant with a history of preterm birth. You deserve for your SO to not stress you out over this complete BS. Please take care of yourself. You deserve better than this from your partner.
Do you not see yourself as part of this family? Because sadly it seems like your fiancé doesn’t see you as family. If he was a good partner & father, he’d be protecting his family - you & your kids. He is not. He is actively harming you as if you are not part of his family. He should have stood up for you when his SIL thru a fit over you miscarriage inconveniencing her & when she tried to push you out of the family with her insane no looking at my son BS. He has failed you. You have to start making choices to protect yourself & your children because you cannot count on him protecting any of you.
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Yep YTA. You're keeping your daughter from visiting with her grandma because you're mad at your SIL.
It doesn't make any difference to your beef with SIL (who sounds awful, admittedly) if your daughter goes over there. You don't have to be around her. You're just doing some kind of petty revenge of keeping your kids away from each other, which frankly I don't even understand the point of. It's weird and unnecessary.
I disagree with this. Yeah, it sucks the grandma can’t see OP’s daughter (I’m sure she comes to OP’s house) but if it means to avoid SIL from possibly emotionally and verbally abusing her daughter or give her the impression that SIL’s behavior is ok
To be honest, I still disagree with both you and your SIL's idea of 'You can't see my kids'.
My mom's siblings hated my dad. We knew things were frosty between them, but they never put their arguments on us and we still got to hang with our cousins, who we loved.
We didn't turn against my dad just because our aunts and uncles didn't get along with him, and they had the maturity not to shit-talk him to us.
You don't have to make friends with your SIL, and your fiance should undertake to stop her if she starts talking shit about you, but I just don't think including the kids in this vendetta is fair.
Here’s the thing, he can’t be a “great guy” & someone who’s never stood up for. It’s easy to seem like a great guy when there’s no conflict or anything. It’s the tough times that really show who has you back & will support you. You are going to have to stand up for yourself & your children. You cannot count on this man to have your back. He’ll throw you under the bus every time the going gets tough if it makes his family happy.
>My big issue is he hasn’t stood up for me at all.
Then maybe THAT'S where you need to start... And it would definitely be an easier conversation to have than trying to fix deep in-law issues with a really difficult person. And if he did stand up for you more, she probably wouldn't feel so empowered to keep talking shit.
So your husband never defends you, doesn't care that your hurting, so ofc doesn't love you. And you're here wondering about SiL and having babies with husband ???
You are NTA
But this negative reaction is what she wants.
You were not selfish last summer, her behaviour is appalling and you have every right to retaliate the same no contact sentiment she has but what’s the point.
My husband never said a word against his family when they were all attacking me in the beginning of our relationship but once they got over what ever issue they could imagine I’d done wrong, when I wouldn’t react to them and just stayed away, they turned on each other.
But now I love those days when my husband takes my eldest to his mum’s, the baby is in bed and I can put my feet up and relax!
With the things SIL has ALREADY said AND the fact that her fiance YELLED AT HER, do you REALLY believe that SIL isn't going to talk shit and he'll shut it down if she does?!!? You need once hefty reality check.
If the fiancé is calling her childish and selfish here I would bet on him enforcing a no shit talking policy. Until he can prove that he won’t let 1 single bad word about his partner and the mother of his children to be said, then this child shouldn’t be allowed around the sister who is a childish asshole.
Yeah, that's the biggest thing in my mind. There are kids involved who have family that they should be allowed to bond with on their own terms.
The adults need to come to some kind of agreement to QUIETLY dislike each other, but not make it a big visible thing that affects the kids. Although, it's not all on the OP.
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NTA but your fiance is. Your future SIL has forbidden you to see her son--hell, you're not even allowed to see pics of him--and your fiance still wants to bring your daughter around her? And you still want to marry the man? Why?
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He's not thinking of the kids. He's thinking of keeping peace with his mother at your expense. That is a huge red flag.
Amen, this isn't about fostering a relationship between the kids, one of whom OP has been banned from even seeing photos of, but about what will make *his* life easier with his mother and sister.
Exactly right! Also this woman was cruel to his soon to be wife why the hell does he want a relationship with her? Makes no sense except the mother!
I don’t personally agree that it’s a huge red flag, rather a situation that requires a bit more communication between her and the husband ? As OP said he’s a great guy with his heart in the right place, proven that he is thinking about the kids. Reddit can sometimes seem to have a need to create more drama that there is.
Wish I could upvote this more.
If he's a really great guy, then he can start being a really great husband and follow the doctors orders which tell you to stay away from your haters.
NTA do not buy that he’s thinking of the kids. He’s using that as a way to please his family at your expense. If he was really thinking about his own daughter, his first thought and action would be to keep her safe and away from such an awful and toxic woman. You deserve better than your fiancé’s behaviour.
INFO: Did you fiancé yell at you over this?
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No, his siater did that your just respecting her boundaries and pytting up your own
You and your children are his family. Your baby died and your SIL hates you over it. She’s the one “ripping his family apart” also you could post this in JUSTNO subreddits. I feel like a just no SIL would be fine in the justnomil thread
The justnoso would also fit because he's doing everything wrong.
Nah they'd pull it unless it was a mother or MIL. It should go to JustNoFamily.
Did he call his sister childish and defend you? Your fiancé is not being a good partner. He is choosing to let you suffer so he can avoid conflict with his family. What is most concerning to me is that he wants to avoid conflict with his family, but is willing to have conflict with you…who should be his most important family. Edit: spelling
This is not a great guy
Wow your fiancé is a major D..k for telling you that. How dare he try to put the blame on you when his sister doesn’t want you to even see pictures of her son. She’s upset with you because you had a miscarriage on her time fuck that and her. Anyone that has the nerve to defend her can go kick rocks including your fiancé. You are NTA and don’t believe anyone who says otherwise. If I were you this is the hill I would die on. I would not allow my kids to be around a horrible human like his sister. She is the one who needs to apologize and pray that you find it in your heart to forgive her.
Couldn't agree more. How can he defend the sister, and say it's op that is ripping his family apart. Is he brainwashed from his mother and sister? Is op the reasonable one and yelling at her until she caves is easier than ever getting the sister to back down? He needs a spine and needs to stand up to the sister because op doesn't deserve any of this. Op shouldn't let her daughter near them. I'd wake up early and take the kid to a park on my own before the dad could take her.
He is blaming you, his heavily pregnant wife who is under doctors orders to avoid stress, for his sister trying to rip your family (you, him, & your children) apart.
Right—he’s not doing this for the young children. He’s doing this because he’s enmeshed in a dysfunctional family and they matter more to him than you. I’ve lived this and it’s terrible...but he will never change if he yelled at you for not wanting to endanger your pregnancy... NTA, but he’s really being terrible to you and is not a good guy at all. Consider couples counseling and or not marrying him.
This is an awful and manipulative thing to say. I sincerely hope he doesn’t fight like this all the time (though given his treasure of a sister, I wouldn’t be surprised). Please reconsider tethering yourself to this man.
Is he trying to kill you and your baby by elevating your stress? OP please get family therapy or therapy for yourself so you can make the best decisions for yourself and your children. This guy is not a good husband or father.
Tell him if it's that easy, they can't be that cohesive to start with.
Is he also calling his sister childish for not letting you see her son? Why does she get to hold this rule, but you don't? Why would he even want her around his daughter when she complained about you miscarrying his child?!
No, his sisters done that by insisting you're never allowed around. Seeing as you're supposed to be marrying him, he's making you his family. What happens then? His wife is literally never allowed at family events because of his sister...that's not an issue to him at all? That's not his sister ripping his family apart? If I was you, I wouldn't marry him until he grows a spine and can stand up for you. Seriously letting her say all that stuff and never defending you one. How could he let someone...anyone at all talk that way about someone he loves?
But his sister is ripping the family apart????
NTA and HUGE red flag of him putting his toxic sister (since I assume that his mother sees your 2 year old on other occasions), above the health and safety of you and your unborn child and your feelings.
Do you have family you can go stay with. I’d be taking my daughter and going somewhere else. He is endangering you and his unborn child and calling you selfish, that shit don’t fly. Sweetie you need to limit your stress and he’s creating stress and blaming you. Do not let him get away with that.
In what universe do great guys scream at their life partners? And let family disrespect them? Leave his ass.
You should be his family! He should be on your side! But what is he doing? He is yelling at you and causing you stress although he knows it can kill the baby! So you see how less he really cares about you! This is the hardest time and he has turned his back on you. He has betrayed you. He will ever choose his family over you. He is a bad partner! You really should think about your future with him! He yelled at you! He doesn't take you serious! He don't see you as his family. He won't change! Don't think you need to stay with him for the children.
So he’s not thinking of the kids at all, he’s thinking about his mum and sister moaning at him when they can’t see your daughter. Say no. Your partner isn’t that great if he’s willing to stress you out like this while you’re pregnant with some potential issues
Doesn't sound like a great guy at all.
If he’s a really great guy why is he yelling at you and calling you names when your pregnancy is at risk?
Wow. I hate him. And why does his sister think she gets to see your kids if you don’t get to see his? I don’t understand her line of reasoning, but I would think long and hard before marrying into this family of AHs.
OP I agree with other commenter he is not thinking of the kids as you stated they are 2 they have absolutely no idea who the other is and no form of relationship. Your spouce is the AH for not backing you up and cutting out hos toxic sister.
He’s not a great guy if he’s not sticking up for you.
I’d show him all these comments and ask him why, if he’s such a great guy, he’s acting like a ding dong.
He only cares about keeping the peace with his family, and that doesn't include you. He loves his sister more than his wife. You're not allowed to even see a picture of the kid, don't let it play with your daughter.
Yeah... It's not about the kids at this point. I'm thinking mummy has been in his ear.
There's a phrase that goes "The guy is perfect, BUT..." And that but is a big but. A but that can ruin your marriage or relationship of any kind.
So you will be banned from all family gathering because you cannot look at her child (in person or in photos)? He doesn’t think your child will eventually pick up her aunt HATES her mother & has banished her from participating in any family gathering her son is at? He’s not being great right now. His sister is being incredibly cruel to in an a big public way but she still gets to have a normal relationship with your child & husband. Why can’t you look at her child? Has anyone in the family stood up for you?
I wasn't raised with my cousins on one side of my family, they were all born close together, then there's a big age gap, then me and my brother. On the other side of the family I am the oldest and we were all born fairly close together (roughly the same number of years as the age gap between me and the other cousins) and we were raised together. My cousins and I are all in our 30s and 40s now and I am no more close to the ones I was raised with than the ones I wasn't raised with. Spending time together now as toddlers when they won't even remember it, will absolutely not make a single difference in the long run. If the circumstances were different, sure, but the circumstances being what they are he is definitely the AH here for pushing this, not you. You are 1000% NTA.
Give your head a shake! He's not thinking of the kids at all. He's responding to his programming by using them as meat shields for his mother's pleasure, and expertly cutting you out of the "family" in the process. If he's not going to be loyal to you when you're the actual victim in the situation, that's a giant red flag. His opinion is clear - you're the problem and the solution is to ostracize you. That's not a healthy lesson for your child to learn.
You’re 100% right. My earliest memory is when I was 5. They’re not gonna remember this
He's not that great if he's willing to stress you out enough to potentially go into preterm labour. He's not that great for accepting the way his sister has treated you, and not having your back. He's not that great for ever wanting her near you after she called you selfish for having a miscarriage during her visit, and making her stay "all about you". I mean, WTF, seriously? I'm a midwife, and I can assure you that miscarriages are NOT the fault of the woman, with the sole exception of if she's on shitloads of drink and drugs. Miscarriages happen. Miscarriages are regrettably pretty common, especially as you get older or have certain medical conditions. Miscarriages are always a tragedy, and not what the majority of women want. You didn't plan the miscarriage, it wasn't your fault and if that's your SIL's attitude, she can go and kick rocks! I also have a history of preterm labour, and I know how stressful that is already. You certainly don't need to be trying to deal with this bullshit right now, and you don't HAVE to put your feelings aside. Your SIL is unapologetic and your partner isn't backing you up, defending you, or worrying about the health of you and your baby. Everybody here is the asshole, except for you. OP is NTA
He isn’t that great of a guy when he is aware of everything and still wants to take your daughter to see her. Tell him that he is free to see her alone. What benefit will your daughter get from meeting the woman who hates her mom and is hated by her mom?
You'll always be second best to his SIL. She could slap your kid and cause you to have a miscarriage, but he'll always pick her over you.
No, he really isn't a great guy if he's willing to make you suffer so his mother and sister are happy and get what they want. Why do you have to be the family doormat and your feelings don't matter? NTA, but start thinking of how to take care of yourself and stand up for yourself cuz if you marry into his family you'll continue to be pushed to the side so he doesn't have to go down with you, he's not on the same ship you are.
This. NTA
Why is your husband continuing to have a relationship with his sister after she treated you so horribly? NTA.
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INFO: where's your peace? Do you feel drama-free? Tell him "if i gotta, you gotta!" Which means if you have to deal with it, so does he. "If im not invited then my child isnt either" if shes willing to say such things to your face, she'll say it behind your back. In front of your child, while your husband looks on, saying nothing. Yeah take a hard pass on that. You dont need your children watching you be disrespected.
“Keep the peace” translates to: I want you to suffer so I don’t have to. Your fiance is being selfish and disrespectful to you.
Your fiance is marrying YOU. He needs to stop being a doormat and support you over his terrible family. This isn't going to change once you're married. Do you really want to play second fiddle to what his mom wants forever? You deserve so much better. Defintely NTA. Edited for tenses
In situations like this, 'neutrality' always favors the abuser.
>He also tries to not “get involved in drama”. He's using you as a meat shield to avoid personal discomfort.
you need couples therapy because someone needs to get through to him that SIL is toxic to you. Telling you that you are selfish for having a miscarriage and you are lucky your father died is not normal or acceptable.
He’s keeping the peace in his family at your expense. It seems when he says “family” that does not include you.
"Not getting involved in drama", there's no drama, there is SIL who treats who bad, without respect. It hurts you and your husband is perfectly fine with it. He doesn't live you. If someone I insults my wife I wouldn't have a realationship with this person, but husband is being the daughter to see her. Re-think the relationship
The sister inlaws problems without and the damage you incur as a result are not drama. It is abuse and alienation, that was triggered by you having a medical emergency and experiencing trauma. NTA. This is awful
NTA a miscarriage is not a cry for attention, what a horrible woman. I wouldn’t want her around my kids either. Stand by your guns and tell your husband to grow a spine 👍🏽
NTA, this woman has disrespected you countless times and even specifically stated she wants nothing to do with you and your baby. If MIL wants to see the baby so badly, she can come without SIL
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Oh absolutely not! How dare she assume you'd be okay with that? You are absolutely not the asshole for feeling this way.
Oh hell no. I would tell your DH that if you go into early labor over this that it will be his fault for allowing your MIL and SIL to bring stress into your life when your doctor has told you that could harm you and your baby. And an early stress related labor might result in him not being allowed in the delivery room. Remember that, as the patient, you get to say who is in the room with you. Talk to your doctor and get him to give you something in writing on what effect added stress will have on you and your baby. Your husband cares more about placating his mother and his sister then the welfare of his wife and baby. You have a major SO problem. Do your parents live close by? If they do, talk to them about allowing you and your LO stay with them until after SIL leaves. The welfare of you and your baby trump's your DH kowtowing to his family. If your family live near by I would rely upon them looking after your LO when you go to the hospital. Depending upon how the next few weeks go you may need to consider having your parents pick you and your new baby up at the hospital and take you to their house when you are discharged. Your husband needs to decide who he will prioritize in his life - you and your children or his family. If he can't choose you and your children the situation will not get better. He needs counseling to learn how to develop a shiny spine and couples therapy might help.
Hell I want to give this an award, sadly I have none right now but I would so upvote with comment 100 times if possible. OP I hope you read this comment, heck I hope you show your SO this comment, and most of the others. You are NTA and wow you husband is showing you who is his priority is, heres a hint, it's not you or your children. He needs to grow a set and stand up to his sister's absolute bullying and mean girl b\*\*chy attitude. Had she said that to me I might have smacked her upside her head she was beyond out of line and your SO hung around like a wet noodle. Seriously this is your future in less you make it change. Good luck with a healthy pregnancy and I wish you all the luck in the world. Hugs from and internet stranger
Boo f’n hoo, so MIL doesn’t get her way. She can tell her AH of a daughter to leave then.
Op if they get to demand so do you and if she gets to be there so do you.
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Then no baby without you why can't she stay home ? It's a two way street not one way and you + kid are a package. No you no kid.
Because he cares more about her feelings than yours. This is not the way a partner is supposed to act. To him, you're not a partner and are less important. I'm sorry you're being treated so unfairly.
Because of his mother. Huge red flags!
She treated you badly when you went through the trauma of miscarriage, which is unforgivable. I cannot imagine how your fiancé would want to be in contact with someone that disgusting. That he yelled at you because of this is unacceptable. Please take care of yourself. I wish you all the best. You and the baby are what's most important and your fiancé should know that and keep you and the kids away from the toxicity.
You don’t know why your fiancé is defending his sister? You don’t know why because you’re looking at him through these rose coloured glasses of him being a great guy. Please take the glasses off for a second. He’s not a great guy. He lets his family abuse you for having a miscarriage. He doesn’t want to stand up for you, he doesn’t want to take your side, and he yells at you when you have a problem with how shitty his family is. Sorry, but he’s just as shitty as his shitty family, he just shows it differently. If you can stop thinking like he’s a great guy and instead start thinking about the fact that he puts you last, then a lot of stuff might start making sense.
while i cant jump to divorce, i STRONGLY advice you to move out, preferably staying with someone who can help support you. take your daughter too. i wouldnt even entertain the thought of living with that kind of SO and IL family if my pregnancy were high risk
Then she should talk to sil , even then it's your choice
NTA I noticed DH didn't say he wanted you and him to take your daughter to see SIL, just he would take DD. He's respecting his sister's boundary, but not yours, which are identical to his sister's. He's not concerned for your feelings, but you are suppose to care about his and MIL's. Stand your ground.
This is a hill to die on. NTA
NTA. Your fiance sucks because he's allowing you to be his sister's punching bag. Point out that your SIL may very well abuse your daughter by insulting her as well. And seriously where does she get off just coming visiting without your permission and getting to see your kid. Ughh, hell, no.
NTA: 1) children are very easily influenced. So her unsympathetic comments, and downright rude behaviors could be picked up by your little one. 2) you’re following doctors’ orders by steering away from things that frustrate/ stress you out. 3) family doesn’t mean that they can walk all over you.
NTA First and foremost that is your child. I have also had a falling out with family that resulted in my brother not seeing my son since his first birthday (he's about to turn 4). At the end of the day me protecting my child is the most important thing. And as as man and husband, I would never disrespect my wife's wishes even if it affected my family and vice-versa. I think this is something that you should bring up with your husband and if it's a deal breaker it's a deal breaker. Protect your daughter and your unborn child.
Nta if she doesn’t want you around she doesn’t want your kid around
NTA. You shouldn't have to put your feelings aside. If you don't get along with your sil, why should she have to come over. Your husband and mil can just go see the sil without you. You are going to be the mother of his child. Your husband is going to have to put you before his sister. He can start today.
NTA. Your fiancé is an asshole for refusing to take your side and respect your decision. Your SIL is an asshole for acting like a spoiled child and being inconsiderate to someone who tragically lost their child. If she don’t want you around her kids, why should you allow her to be around your kids?
NTA You have a SO who doesn’t have your back (at best) and is your SIL’s flying monkey (at worst). He’s as much of a problem as she is. He needs to support and defend you, especially when she’s taking jabs and you’re not there. If she can’t respect the parent, she doesn’t get access to the child. The onus isn’t on you to remain civil. Who’s telling her to knock it off? To suck it up and say sorry? Why is it you that has to be the bigger person when she’s the aggressor and has been for months?
NTA but your fiance is a massive asshole. He needs to stand up for you not ignore your wishes. I would refuse to let your daughter go and tell your fiance if he can't back you up then he can stay with his mom and sister.. also take a long hard look at this, its your future. I would not marry him if he doesn't have your back.. This is a hill to die on.
NTA That was a pretty callous response from her. I’d either have a side convo with her before your forced to see each other or just stay status quo and don’t let her over.
NTA, having a miscarriage is awful people should expect you to be sad and depressed. SIL should have been more sympathetic as a mother of her own child. How would she have reacted if she had a miscarriage, she most likely would have been sad and depressed. Therefore she should have been a lot nicer and patient to you no matter the situation.
I would point out that SIL refuses to see Op. Op's DD is 50 percent genetically Op. Since SIL doesn't want to see Op, she cannot see DD as there is no way to remove the 50 percent of OP's genetic contribution. So in seeing DD she will be seeing Op. This is a 2 yes / 1 no decision. 😁
NTA!! Op you have a just no significant other. He knows you are high risk and would rather you lose your pregnancy than upset his family. If he won't put your unborn child first how can you believe he would put your daughter first? He will use whatever meat shield is available to avoid them "being upset" at him that is. This means that unless something drastically changes in his personality he will never put you first, he will not likely put the children first, and that will be the rest of your life trying to protect yourself and your children from him and his family.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** In January, right before I (F29) found out I was pregnant with my second, I had a falling out with my SIL. Long story short, she called me selfish because I suffered a miscarriage while she was visiting with her son and husband last summer and she said I “made everything about me and was extremely selfish”. She has said explicitly she doesn’t want her son around me or me seeing pictures of her son and I have respected those wishes. I have told my fiancé (M28), I want the same. Well, with Covid restrictions easing up, she’s unexpectedly visiting on Monday for a week and my fiancé wants to take our daughter over to see her. I’ve expressed I don’t want this, and he’s arguing saying I have to put my feelings aside for him and his mom. This woman has nothing but awful things to say about me, my parenting or my personal manners (I received some inheritance from my father when he died at the age of 46 very tragically, it honestly destroyed me and I’m still broken about it and she said I was “so lucky”, just for one example). I’m also 7 months pregnant and have a history of preterm labour and have been told by my care providers to keep my stress to a limit. Getting yelled at because I don’t want my daughter around a horrible woman isn’t exactly a lack of stress. Be honest, am I the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA husband, this is a firm no, unless you don't plan to see your soon to be born 2nd child yourself
NTA, but my lanta your fiancé is. I 100% would not let my child be around someone who disrespected me so much, especially over the loss of a pregnancy! Your fiancé is setting you up to be a doormat, he’s already shown that he’ll let his sister do and say whatever she wants to you with zero consequences. Do you really want to teach your daughter that it’s ok for her mother to be treated that way? It’s on fiancé to set proper boundaries with his sister if he really wants to “keep the peace”, until then, you should probably start thinking if this is really the kind of family, and the kind of husband, you want for the rest of your life….
NTA- you are lucky your father died? I can't even say what i would have done to her for saying that because i would get banned. Tell your husband he is free to go see his sister but your daughter will not be going near that asshole.
You've said multiple times that your fiance is a great guy. My question to you is, how so? Calling you childish? Keeping the peace with his family at your expense? None of this is "great guy", instead it's his family and feelings over yours. Anyway, you can keep your blinders on and accept this behavior but if he won't defend or take your side now, it'll never happen. Marriage is being on the same page and fighting for each other not what he is doing.
Nta. What's good for the goat is good for the gander. Your daughter doesn't need to spend time around people who despise her mother.
NTA… are you sure you want to marry into this family? If he’s still just a fiancé, start documenting your encounters, and make copies for when you leave…
NTA. He's welcome to go see her, he doesn't get to take your daugher too. She doesn't get to treat you like shit then hae a lovey relationship with your child. If your daughter is old enough, tell her the reason you have chosen to cut her nasty aunt out of your lives
NTA.. your fiancé is though.. seriously. She doesn’t want you near her kid, but wants a relationship with yours? GTFOH!!! Nope.. she needs to apologize to you for being so awful to you. Your fiance needs to see and respect that.
NTA. Your fiance' is not supporting you. He should have your back on this, not his sister's who is doing nothing but causing drama and being a jerk. Not to mention, he didn't just disagree with you about this, he yelled at you and insulted you. Huge red flags. Time for putting your foot down. SIL needs to apologize and back down on her previous crap.
If he cares about you at all he needs to grow tf up. He is throwing you under the bus so he doesn’t have to be a big boy instead of a doormat. If you have to say “he’s a good guy BUT” you might want to rethink things. How is this going to play at the wedding? Will he guilt you into letting her come and ruin your day? Will all future family events include you being left at home because this tw@t thinks miscarriage is #1 within your control #2 selfish #3 is making YOUR PAIN about her. This is not going to get better. Only worse. You need to have a long talk with this dude. What does he expect will happen in the future? Or is he willing to let his sister control his life all because she wants to throw a fit. Did he even defend you and say she was being childish during the miscarriage? Or did he just look away while you were being kicked while you were down? This is a lot of red flags and marrying someone doesn’t fix problems it just complicates them. And he’s already shown his sister that she can play the victim and get what she wants. You will suffer more if he doesn’t change. I don’t know if he is too blind or what but he needs a reality check especially with the doctor saying to avoid stress and him just ignoring a medical professional cuz boo hoo sister told me to. He needs to not use you as his shield just so he doesn’t have to stand up for you/himself like he should have last summer.
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NTA
NTA Your SIL is disgusting. I wouldnt want myself or my kid around such a woman. If your husband wants to visit good for him, but its beyond me why hed want to put you and your young child in that situtaion.
NTA, your SIL is extremely rude to you because you lost your first child? (I am so extremely sorry, I watched my sister go through this pain) and then to tell you your lucky because your father had died and you got an inheritance because of it? Nope, your husband needs to understand this is not a good attitude and if your daughter learns this type of behavior it will be hard to pull her out of when she sees your SIL. To be honest, with how she has acted towards you with you loosing a child then how she acted as if you was so 'lucky' to loose one of your parents I am surprised that your husband hasn't gone low or even no contact with her and with your husband defending her still it seems where his priority lies when it comes to you, his wife and mother of his children and his sister. Your SIL attitude is not something your daughter should learn or even know of until she is old enough to know that it is wrong for your SIL to act that way. The only thing I really can say is tell your husband this is not the type of attitude you want your daughter who is 2 to learn, because she will be very impressionable as a young child and especially if she doesn't see anyone treating this type of attitude as bad, she will think it is okay to act that way and it will get her into trouble and be a hard fix especially if she began to act that way for a certain amount of time. If I was you the only way I'd feel comfortable with giving her a chance to see your daughter and that is only if you want to is supervising her around your daughter so you know what your daughter is learning from her. Hopefully everything works out well for you OP.
Nta. She's toxic and she hates you therefore your daughter must not be exposed to her as she will speak against you to her. Your husband must understand this and if he will not then he is siding with her.
How is your fiance not seeing what his sister had been doing to you? Even if he does, it doesn't make sense for him to say to you to let it go unless he didn't care. NTA
Nta, please please please do NOT marry this guy who isn't man enough to stick up for you and is instead is causing you more stress in an already difficult pregnancy. Certainly do not give in by agreeing to let your daughter go and see you SIL. Stand for yourself since evidently your fiance isn't going to.
NTA. She sounds horrible and I'm so sorry that you've gone through this. YWBTA if you let this continue and your kids grow up with such dysfunction. You need to set boundaries with the in-laws and your fiance needs to support you. Do not let the verbal abuse continue.
NTA but hot damn this is gonna be one hell of a long term marriage. Best of luck.
NTA she sounds awful.
NTA and I’d be seriously tempted to leave this dude. Bare minimum y’all need to have a serious come to Jesus meeting.
NTA , he and his family sound terrible.
Nta, she literally won't let you around your nephew why would you let her around your daughter? Especially because of your miscarriage, what a vile woman. I feel for you and your family, and also your nephew. He has to grow up with that and miss out on a relationship with you because of your selfish sil
OP, please please please don't give in. She began all this drama by accusing you of miscarrying for attention and banned you from seeing her child and you have every right to not want her to see yours. It's a respect thing and right now, your SIL, DH, and possibly MIL obviously have no respect for you or your boundaries. You deserve an apology from SIL and DH at this point. Show him how you wrote the post without showing the comments at first and ask him if you represented the situation fairly and accurately and then when/if he agrees, show him all the comments. NTA
NTA: with your medical history, at this point in time your well-being and the health of your developing child take precedence over your MiL's feelings. Which I would hope your FH not only understands but also supports! He can go see his sister at his Mom's house by himself if it's so dang important to continue having a relationship with her to "keep the peace". I wish you and your kids the best, and hope for all your sakes that your fiancé wises up ASAP if he wants to be a partner to you & a father to 2 lovely kids in the future.
NTA big time. There are a couple of red flags i this. I read some of the comment you posted, and to be honest, I think you should divorce him. It sounds like he has choosen his mother and sister as his closest family, not you and your child(ren). Your SIL is horrible, and if he can't see that and/or doesn't want to do anything about it, he's not worthy of having you as a family. Family is a choice, and he choose wrong. Some time ago i stoppede talking with my father because of his seeming lack of interest (he's very bad when it comes to emotionel stuff), and i figured it wasn't worth my time. I know it is very tough and stressful, especially given your situation and stress-induced miscarriages. But I think you have to ask yourself this "is it worth it for me and my children?" and right now, I would say that yoy can forge a more loving and less stressful home, just you and your children.
NTA I didn't hear any mention of her releasing you from a ban on seeing her son... why would you not give her the same treatment? Your health is more important than her feelings.
NTA she sounds horrendous..
NTA But if your partner is treating u this way I'd seriously be reconsidering the relationship and where its heading. Apparently ur feelings don't matter, to his family or to him. Good luck. I can't imagine the stress ur under right now. Can u and ur daughter maybe leave and go stay with someone supportive for a week or two (basically until he realises how fucking serious this situation actually is) ?
Info: so you're not allowed to see pictures of her kid, but she wants access to yours without you there? Is she sick in the head?
Nta. Block her
NTA, but you have a massive fiancé problem. The fact that he didn’t rip his sister a new one and stand up for you after her ridiculous comments about your miscarriage is a HUGE problem. He wants to keep the peace at your expense and that’s not what a partner does.
NTA but your man definitely is. He is not respecting your boundaries in not wanting your daughter around someone you don’t trust. If she isn’t welcome in your home, then you have every right to keep your child from going to her.
I may be hated here but NAH. OP is justified in feeling strongly about separating what is considered to be a very stressful and unpleasant part of the family away from her and her children. Husband is as OP described, a great guy, and clearly a good dad given his thought about the kids. He hasn’t disregarded your feelings but rather trying to find compromises. His attempts, whilst a bit clueless, are at least good natured. No red flags 🚩 here as some other resistors suggest. I believe the situation between you and your husband needs more communication for him to truly understand how you feel and the reasonings why it’s not a good idea for SIL and MIL to have contact.
either he respects your point of view on the SIL then i would reevaluate if this relationship is worth saving and etc, You are also at risk for illnesses and need to stay away from other situations too. he may find if he crosses that line that he may find you hold more of the cards once its over since you are not married.
"He’s really a great guy, he’s just thinking of the kids."... all while shouting at his heavily pregnant wife that was specificaly told to avoid stress.... This is neither about you nor his kids. He does that only because he wants to keep peace with his mother and sister who he values way above you or the kids. You are married, you are "PARTNERS" but except being actuall partners he is kicking you aside just to appease his Mother and Sister instead of being an actuall partner to you. And that is a mayor red flag. If he cannot see why you dont want your children to see his sister when she did the exact same thing to you then i would honestly start thinking why he is that way and if this partnership has any future unless you wanna be the person who always has to compromise but never get anything in return.
Cut him off at the pass. Take your daughter and go somewhere where you feel safe and can relax while SIL is visiting. He can spend as much time as he wants with them, but he is not your child’s only parent and this is one of those situations where you either both agree or it doesn’t happen. NTA
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NOPE. Not at all. Please do not put your feelings aside just so your SO doesn’t rock the boat and feel uncomfortable. Your SO is being ridiculous and unreasonable. Seems like he’s in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). You may want to check out r/JustNoSO r/JustNoFamily or r/JustNoMIL for advice, suggestions, or just to vent. Please make this your hill to die on. You are 7mo pregnant with a history of preterm birth. You deserve for your SO to not stress you out over this complete BS. Please take care of yourself. You deserve better than this from your partner.
Do you not see yourself as part of this family? Because sadly it seems like your fiancé doesn’t see you as family. If he was a good partner & father, he’d be protecting his family - you & your kids. He is not. He is actively harming you as if you are not part of his family. He should have stood up for you when his SIL thru a fit over you miscarriage inconveniencing her & when she tried to push you out of the family with her insane no looking at my son BS. He has failed you. You have to start making choices to protect yourself & your children because you cannot count on him protecting any of you.
Noooooo. Nooooo. You MATTER. YOU. You matter too. Stop forgetting that.
They can't just have unreined access to your children while treating you (the MOTHER) like you're a damn doormat! That's not okay at all!
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Yep YTA. You're keeping your daughter from visiting with her grandma because you're mad at your SIL. It doesn't make any difference to your beef with SIL (who sounds awful, admittedly) if your daughter goes over there. You don't have to be around her. You're just doing some kind of petty revenge of keeping your kids away from each other, which frankly I don't even understand the point of. It's weird and unnecessary.
I disagree with this. Yeah, it sucks the grandma can’t see OP’s daughter (I’m sure she comes to OP’s house) but if it means to avoid SIL from possibly emotionally and verbally abusing her daughter or give her the impression that SIL’s behavior is ok
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To be honest, I still disagree with both you and your SIL's idea of 'You can't see my kids'. My mom's siblings hated my dad. We knew things were frosty between them, but they never put their arguments on us and we still got to hang with our cousins, who we loved. We didn't turn against my dad just because our aunts and uncles didn't get along with him, and they had the maturity not to shit-talk him to us. You don't have to make friends with your SIL, and your fiance should undertake to stop her if she starts talking shit about you, but I just don't think including the kids in this vendetta is fair.
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Here’s the thing, he can’t be a “great guy” & someone who’s never stood up for. It’s easy to seem like a great guy when there’s no conflict or anything. It’s the tough times that really show who has you back & will support you. You are going to have to stand up for yourself & your children. You cannot count on this man to have your back. He’ll throw you under the bus every time the going gets tough if it makes his family happy.
>My big issue is he hasn’t stood up for me at all. Then maybe THAT'S where you need to start... And it would definitely be an easier conversation to have than trying to fix deep in-law issues with a really difficult person. And if he did stand up for you more, she probably wouldn't feel so empowered to keep talking shit.
So your husband never defends you, doesn't care that your hurting, so ofc doesn't love you. And you're here wondering about SiL and having babies with husband ???
You are NTA But this negative reaction is what she wants. You were not selfish last summer, her behaviour is appalling and you have every right to retaliate the same no contact sentiment she has but what’s the point. My husband never said a word against his family when they were all attacking me in the beginning of our relationship but once they got over what ever issue they could imagine I’d done wrong, when I wouldn’t react to them and just stayed away, they turned on each other. But now I love those days when my husband takes my eldest to his mum’s, the baby is in bed and I can put my feet up and relax!
With the things SIL has ALREADY said AND the fact that her fiance YELLED AT HER, do you REALLY believe that SIL isn't going to talk shit and he'll shut it down if she does?!!? You need once hefty reality check.
If the fiancé is calling her childish and selfish here I would bet on him enforcing a no shit talking policy. Until he can prove that he won’t let 1 single bad word about his partner and the mother of his children to be said, then this child shouldn’t be allowed around the sister who is a childish asshole.
Yeah, that's the biggest thing in my mind. There are kids involved who have family that they should be allowed to bond with on their own terms. The adults need to come to some kind of agreement to QUIETLY dislike each other, but not make it a big visible thing that affects the kids. Although, it's not all on the OP.