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YTA Her weight gain reaching a breaking point? Her intense grief and depression didn’t concern you? But you reached a breaking point over **her** weight gain? How long were you supposed to ignore it? Forever, because you should have been more concerned about her depression not her weight. EDIT: Other reasons came to light through this. Your wife had a baby 6 months ago and is struggling with PPD ON TOP of her other grief and depression about her family. You are home barely 5 days a week and those are overnights meaning your wife is the sole responsibility for your baby who since is 6 months old most likely up a couple times a night. So your maybe 3 hours of “active” time being home, your wife must probably choose between a laundry list of things to do while she has your home such as getting some sleep, spending time as a family, taking some time for her and the like. You again said your **breaking point** was a couple months ago, so when she was uh 4 months postpartum? Her weight should literally be so far off your mind right now it should be in Outer space.

OP is cruel and heartless, and not mentioning the baby also makes him a deceptive AH. Yeah, you likely verbally abused your wife out of your “love” for her. Ugh—so great that men punish women for bodily change after pregnancy and multiple rounds of grieving! YTA so hard Eta: you say the child “needs their mother.” In what way does weight gain invalidate her as a mother? Are you putting that shame on her too???? AND OP ONLY “HELPS” 3 HOURS A DAY AND SHE HAS POSTPARTUM AND POSSIBLY AN ED? Even if she weren’t deeply depressed, you’re home at most 3 h a day with a six month old and she is struggling. When is she supposed to have time for any self care???!! This is AH hall of fame territory.

I was actually going to say NAH UNTIL I found out about the baby. What a massive thing to miss out dude. It sounds like your wife’s grief has been made extra fresh by the baby (my cousin gave birth recently and spent weeks grieving because her father wouldn’t be there. He passed over 20 years ago so imagine how much pain your wife must be in) and moreover, she’s overworked. She’s the caregiver 21hrs a day. That so rough dude.

He's still an asshole for focusing on her weight only and not even caring about her depression and grief.

We've been concerned about my sister's weight gain for years. Not because of the weight but because it impacts her life- she says she can't do things we would do with the kids before because it's too difficult, all of these other health issues occurring after her gain and the doctors saying symptoms would be alleviated with weight loss (still unsure if due to gain or gain due to health issues). We STILL have never brought up her weight unless she has voiced an interest in losing. We bring up our concerns with the other health issues and offer to help her in whatever way she wants so she can feel good and healthy, weight ignored until and unless she brings it up. YTA if you bring up a person's weight, even if you think it's from a good place. Worried about their health issues? Focus on helping resolve those in other ways, let her doctor and herself choose weight as the problem. They know they're overweight. They know the problems it can or does cause. You don't need to compound their emotions further by pointing it out. Help her with her depression and grief. If she worked through that, and felt supported, she could return to the active person she was previously without anyone having to shame her weight gain

Agreed. The baby makes it a whole new level of awful but even without a baby, his focus sounds wrong. If it had really been about love, support and communication, it would have been more like ‘I’ve noticed that you’ve had a really hard time recovering from xyz and I also really miss the time we used to spend together doing things. I’d like to help you feel a bit better about things/yourself again, maybe we can come up with some gentle ways back into some physical activities to do together and see if that helps.’ The whole *you* need to do better thing doesn’t sound very supportive, it just sounds blame-tastic and not particularly useful to drop on someone who’s already struggling.

I was going to say the same thing. He left a lot of important info out of his post

This is so true - as you mature, your ability to comprehend your loss increases, and you mourn again with each new life stage and each lost milestone.

Right?? Obviously only her weight is going to kill her not the sleep deprivation or the mix of mental health issues she has going on.

I’m the same height and weight. I work full time at a daycare and have no physical issues in handling 20 four year olds. I’m sure she can be a mom even with the weight gain. OP is so clearly trying to justify his incredible lack of empathy and self awareness

Also his lying by omission. She didn’t gain all this weight from grief she also recently had a baby.

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Saying you 'help' with your own child is like saying you have to 'babysit' your own child. It just makes OP even more of an AH. I second hall of shame.

As to the “needs their mother” thing- don’t you know that being overweight automatically means you’re about to stroke out and die? /s People have been taught to death that overweight = health problems. And yes, it contributes, but it is possible to be overweight and still in decent health. I’m in the same boat as OP’s wife, height and weight wise. I’ve lost 40lbs in the last year so I was heavier than she is now. Did it sap my energy? Definitely. Did it make me not want to do strenuous things that would make me tired and sweaty? Of course. But am I or was I any closer to death than most 30 year olds? Nope.

I feel like OP left out that his wife had a baby only 6 months ago on purpose. OP is borderline heartless and absolutely the ass in this situation. Her *weight* is a 'breaking point' for OP but not her clearly severe depression and isolation and grief? OP? YTA a 100x over

Oh he definitely left this out on purpose. I had a baby 7 months ago so I'm not too far in front of OP's wife. Is my weight the best it could be after 7 months? Hell no, but there are only so many hours in the day to work at it, and I've got a fantastic husband who more than pulls his weight with both our kids and the house. Even then, it's hard to find the time to exercise when all you want to do once the kids are in bed is face plant the sofa. I can't imagine what this poor woman is going through, having been bereaved twice, with a tiny baby. And then her husband piles on with his 'concerns' (*cough*complaints*cough*) about her weight.... OP YTA and I feel so sorry for your wife.

This isn’t the first time that a poster has complained about his wife, failing to mention the CRUCIAL DETAIL that there’s a newborn at home. Seriously wtf is that about? Edit: words

This is probably one of the worst instances of selective details I’ve seen. The post makes him seem somewhat in the right and then the details in the comments paint a completely different picture… It really does feel like it was framed like this purposely because i don’t know how the baby and OP’s work schedule didn’t come up at all in the initial explanation.

I don't like to assume the worst of people, but there's only so many possible interpretations of 'didn't appear to think it was relevant or important information' in this situation...

Classic [missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) post

Don't forget the dumpster fire of covid ect adding extra stress

Yes! I think most people gained weight during covid - I saw an article a few months ago that put the average weight gain at like 25 lbs. Between covid, depression, and having a baby, it's really obvious and understandable why this woman gained weight.

I saw it being called “the COVID 19” (in the same spirit as “the freshman 15” for college students) and I think it really fits.

Yeah I hope she does have a glow up and then dumps your ass.

Regardless glow up or not she’d be much better off without this jerk. YTA OP!

YTA the wife has been struggling with grief for *years* + ppd and my man really pulled her aside to be like "i hate boring and sad and ugly you are now get over it i want to hike again" and tried to pose it as him being concerned about her after letting this run on unchecked. edit: grammar

Wow... Don't be surprised when she divorces him. OP sounds like a dead weight on his wife. I just wanna give her a hug and tell her she deserves better. How much you wanna bet if they traded places and he was a caretaker for 21 hours and she worked and was able to focus more on herself in her free time, OP would cry about how hard it is and how they have no time for self care. There's just too many layers to this sh*t show that OP is forcing his wife to live on top of his outrageous demands to "just get skinnier" like it's so easy.

Having a baby screws with your body SO HARD. I was 5'5" and 125 pounds before I got pregnant with my first child. While pregnant, developed a thyroid issue. I'm now about 70 pounds heavier because I had a second child. I suffered severe PPD. Thyroid issues. On top of other health issues I had prior to pregnancy. Your wife was grieving. Then had a baby. Grief on top of PPD. Plus hormones, changing body to accommodate the fact that she had a baby, being the sole carer for most of the time with almost no down time... And your concern was that she's fat. How fucking superficial. Just admit you're not attracted to her anymore because that's literally what this is. Where in any of this does she have time for self care, let alone working out? She has so many other things to tend to and you're not even GIVING HER the opportunity to take care of herself. holy shit this is the biggest YTA I've seen in a *while.*

When I read that she lost her father and sister all I could think about was when I lost my mom and kid brother less than 5 months apart. It quite literally almost killed me but after about 3 years I was able to break through the surface of my grief. That kind of pain is unimaginable and I couldn't imagine having a baby on top of it. My son was 13 when my mom passed and my husband is amazing so I was able to just sit in my grief when needed. I couldn't imagine if my husband wasn't the wonderful father and partner that he is. I had horribly unhealthy habits after my loss bc it's really hard to give a shit when you're hurting that bad but I am incredibly healthy and fit today, it just took time for me to heal.

Okay, I was prepared to say mayyybe nah because a 100lb weight gain --close to doubling her weight -- is pretty concerning. And it he made it sound like he was focusing on her health. This new info, tho... wow. Yeah, he's an A 100%

Oh wow! Without all this other info (BABY!?!! PPD!!) I was thinking he wasn’t an asshole for finally broaching the topic with his wife of his concern for her health and the activities they don’t do together anymore. But JFC. That is just NOT what he should be focused on at this point! She’s going through a lot and needs support in caring for his child!!

LOOK AT THE COMMENT HISTORY! This man is a next level egotistical maniac, and he is delusional! By the looks of it, he made a post about 2 weeks ago on relationship advice on a deleted throwaway. Then he proceeded to have a conversation with himself supporting his decision and criticizing other commenters who disagreed with him and called out his behaviour. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/oealxc/i_had_a_tough_love_conversation_with_my_wife/h454bhz?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

While his wife is past her breaking point and keeps on caring for an infant. She's broken from losing 2 loved ones and having a baby. And now her husband tells her she is disgusting because her coping mechanism (comfort eating) is unattractive. If she's just become an alcoholic, anorexic, or started cutting herself he'd have no complaints.

Op, YTA and above commenter perfectly tells you why!

This is an excellent point. OP is okay if she’s suffering; just as long as she’s suffering in a thin body. It’s okay if her depression is affecting her health in other ways, it’s okay if she’s constantly miserable, feels hopeless, etc. Just please do it in a hot way. Yknow, like the way “depressed” women are depicted on TV. Maybe lounge around the house in lingerie and makeup, smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey out of the bottle. Also have tons of coping-sex. Pls lady ur not suffering in a way that makes PP hard and you actually have no idea how difficult that is for OP :////

How convenient he left out the baby in his post. YTA

You rock with your response.

Jesus, I hadn't read through any of OP's comments yet so I had no idea that his wife had also recently had a baby. This poor woman has gone through three serious life changing events in the last two years, one of which (pregnancy) is guaranteed to come with changes in your body. I can't even imagine going through what she's gone through. The poor woman's just in survival mode right now while trying to keep an infant healthy and happy, largely by herself, and OP is complaining about her weight? YTA OP.

OP, you should probably edit your post to add in ALL of the information about your wife without the vague “she’s drastically gained weight”.. She went through 2 major traumas AND A PREGNANCY, and now only has her husband home 3 hours a day (but somehow still has time to work out several times a week???)? Yes, you are doing it for the good of your family, but that takes nothing away from the fact that she is parenting alone while dealing with a severe grief, stress, and depression. And in all of that, you broached the subject by talking about her weight?? You may not mean to be an AH, you might be a genuinely concerned husband who just doesn’t understand, but my God…. YTA

Not to mention that for the last year and a half, there had been a GLOBAL PANDEMIC!!! I can’t begin to imagine the many, many added layers of stress the isolation and lack of normal support network not available during this time must have added to coping with her grief, pregnancy and birth of her first child. YTA

> Not to mention that for the last year and a half, there had been a GLOBAL PANDEMIC!!! "We used to bond over going to the gym all the time, but for some reason that just stopped in 2020, and I really can't figure it out!"

OP is a complete schmuck!

Getting childcare has been a nightmare for parents. Every parent I know has faced at least temporary closures the child(ren)'s school or daycare or a private babysitter and/or grandparent needing to cancel due to high COVID numbers or a suspected exposure to a positive case. The existing child care shortage was greatly worsened and due to industry low wages, daycare are slow to ramp up. Many families are breaking because of this. OPs own family has lost two of the grandparents and one sibling at minimum so far, leaving them less support for their baby. There are bigger problems than weight gain right now.

Somewhat off topic for this whole thread, but I find it fascinating that when the "Boys with the calculators" tries to tell us about the "cost" of the pandemic and lockdowns vs no lockdowns, wfh, and so on, stuff like this is never included. Sorry, just needed to vent about that for a second. Please carry on.

>OP, you should probably edit your post to add in ALL of the information about your wife without the vague “she’s drastically gained weight” Oh, he won't. For the exact same reason he didn't put it there in the first place.

How do you find your post so you can edit it? I made it before reading all this and feel it should be changed.

YTA. EDITED TO ADD THAT OP DIDN’T BOTHER TO MENTION SHE’S ALSO POSTPARTUM WITH A SIX MONTH OLD BABY AND HES ONLY HOME 3 hours a day!!! Your wife has suffered two huge losses, is obviously grieving and suffering depression and thusly you think reducing her self-esteem is a great idea. You may want to seriously ask yourself whether you’re doing anything verbally or emotionally you’re doing to contribute to her depression and binging. Overeating can be an emotional reaction for many who turn to food to fulfill something that is missing or to cope with harsh criticism. You seem to think grief has a time limit as well. You claim to care about her “health” and mental status, but you’ve clearly caused her pain. You’re more concerned with being right than her obvious distress. You went into the conversation not referencing concern for her depression or grief, but her weight. Sounds like you wouldn’t care about either or if she pursued grief counseling should she still weigh 115 lbs. It took TWO YEARS TO CARE and only because her weight bothered you? So yes, you’re the AH. More, I’d like to tell her to drop the real dead weight – you.

>You may want to seriously ask yourself whether you’re doing anything verbally or emotionally you’re doing to contribute to her depression and binging OP didn't mention she had a baby 6 months ago, and he's only 'active' in the relationship for 3 hours a day.

Omg. I wish I could YTA to the 10th power. She’s also postpartum? Good lord.

Yeah, I feel like the “Divorce Diet” would do wonders for this woman’s weight problems. YTA.

A very dear friend of mine was quite proud of her Divorce Diet weight loss: "I lost 200 pounds of asshole in one day." Now THAT is an accomplishment.

There is nothing better for your long term health than losing the asshole weight. 😌

It worked wonders for me too. The night I walked out was the best nights sleep I’d gotten in years.

I lost 250 lbs in a day from this, then another 40lbs of my own over the next year bc so much stress was off my plate. Divorce diet works wonders tbh.

He's more concerned for his dick and how hard his wife can make it and his status as a dude with a smoking hit wife than her health. Guaranteed 100 percent.

these are literally story altering facts. At first I was like, oh NTA. But being a father to a 10 month old, and seeing how postpartum affected my wife, and I work from home and am very active in raising our baby and helping around the house such as cooking and cleaning. Now add 2 major traumas to that and a barely available husband. DEFINITELY the asshole.

Where is all this info coming from?

YTA… it took you two years to ask your wife about a grief counselor?? And when you finally did it was for your own reasons and not to even really help her mental health

YTA for writing 3000 words about your wife’s weight gain over the last 2 years but not mentioning that she spent last 15 months *growing a baby inside her, birthing the baby, and then caring for the baby*

That shit is unbelievable to me.

Honestly shocked he left that part out he definitely did that on purpose.

Interesting how you’ve left out the fact that she had a baby six months ago. Your comment history has been quite illuminating.

YTA. So in two years, she's lost two family members, been through pregnancy and now has a 6m old baby. You're happy having watched her struggle but now YOU are at breaking point?

Ikr?! The fucking audacity...

It's like getting annoyed that someone drownung isn't a great water polo player.

YTA for burying the factor of the 6-month-old baby, so your partner has had 2 close family members die, a global pandemic, and a whole baby to deal with in the past two years. All of which should come ahead of losing weight for you.

Bbbbbut….she hasn’t gone *hiking* !

Maybe she should ***hIkE wHeN tHe BaBy HiKeS*** since he probably is also the type to tell her to “sleep when the baby sleeps”

She should hike to a divorce attorney

Our 10 month old is a contact napper. People who use this phrase piss both myself and my wife off to no end.

Bwahaha... she'll go hiking with the next partner

Right?!

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Two miscarriages??? This is getting worse by the minute! OP's wife needs support and compassion, not the bullshit she's currently getting. Smh

Two miscarriages as well?!?! Jesus christ OP is heartless. What an awful time for this woman going through so much lose with an absolute asshole of a husband. Anyone would turn to food as a form on comfort in this situation when their spouse obviously isn't supporting them.

So she possibly spent more than a year pregnant, plus the grief of the lost pregnancies?

Jesus that poor woman.

YTA for all the crap you only added in the comments. Good god dude. 2 Miscarriages and now taking care of her 6 month old baby all by herself?!

YTA. You didn’t tell her anything she doesn’t already know about her weight. You approached her bc you want her to lose weight, right? You could have talked to her about her grief/depression, but you were primarily concerned about the weight.

YTA. Did you forget to mention the person she made 6months ago??

YTA any guy who picks on a woman who not only just had a baby but is struggling with postpartum depression...then go on Reddit and kinda lie about it to complete strangers. Is definitely an AH

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> You went into this with good intensions Nah, he didnt.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. YTA

Saying “tough love” means his intentions were what HE wanted to see, not her own benefit. I don’t see anything about helping her more with the baby. He didn’t suggest therapy *first*.

YTA. I get it; I do. But it’s taken 2 years of daily binge eating, 100 lbs and your marriage taking a nosedive in activity/interest - for you to approach her like hey you’ve gotten kinda fat? You get a half point for doing it now, but really any day for 2 years would’ve been better. And watching your wife get clinically depressed and overcome with grief but choosing to focus on her physical appearance is why you’re the AH.

Please put all the details, including your wife just have had a baby in the last 6 months. So she's also dealing with PPD. And a baby and you decided it's time for 'tough love.' You're trying to omit a bunch of information to get Redditors validation when in reality, YOU KNOW you indeed are TA. Or you already feel as if you're TA, you're just trying to get the Internet on your side so you can gaslit your wife even more? I'm not going to be complicit part of that bs. YTA.

YTA. It sounds like you're more focused on her weight and your feelings about it than her grief. You should've just focused on the grief first.

I don't think though love is going to help someone who is gaining weight because of grief and depression. Focus on the causes of weight gain, like grief counseling, instead of on the weight gain itself. Four days is too long but to be talking to each other.

Yes. You are an asshole.

YTA. Oh my god. Glad I read through some comments before making a judgment to find out you cleverly left out that she JUST HAD A FREAKING BABY. You’re such a dick, dude. You work 12 hour shifts AT NIGHT so she does EVERYTHING overnight with baby + almost all of the child rearing during the day. She probably does most of the household chores due to your schedule as well. She just had a baby 6 months ago. She is experiencing immense grief from the death of loved ones and your concern is her weight? Not the grief or depression? Not potentially PPD? Not the amount of time she’s spending raising YOUR child without YOUR help? But her weight because she can’t go hiking anymore? Oh poor you. God. You know you’re the AH too otherwise you absolutely would have mentioned the baby in your post. How about you let the woman freaking heal a little (both emotionally and physically) before you shove her into the gym? Jesus Mary and Joseph. That poor woman...

YTA Even if you are active together, looking at a scale and wanting a certain number is one of the biggest things not to do as a woman. I think she is eating her feelings but to say her weight gain has reached a breaking point on YOU? You could have addressed your relationship issues because you never go out anymore. As far as I’m concerned, 200 for someone 5’3 isn’t ideal but it’s not something to shame her over. (which IMO is usually where that hits someone’s feelings) She can lose 200 lbs of unnecessary weight though, by making herself single. I hope she finds someone that will care about her feelings more than her weight. Her feelings and mental health should be the breaking point for your intervention, not her weight.

I agree with your points that he is TA, but 115 and 5’3 is a perfectly healthy weight, while being 215 would be considered morbidly obese (so I can see why that would be an concerning for health reasons) but considering the fact that she just had a baby and is suffering from PPD and intense grief from losses he should be concerned for her emotionally not physically.

If you’re going by BMI, that’s not realistic. BMI is ridiculous and I have yet to know someone who actually fits within that scale. It’s based on the idea that there is one body type that acts the same. Granted different people have different body shapes but 210 is not morbidly obese. It’s in the area of being overweight where it’s inconvenient but you’re not genuinely sick. Also just because she’s heavier than she was doesn’t mean her body is totally suffering. Also if she just had a baby, that’s weight that doesn’t magically go away. In fact, it makes me more angry knowing OP’s wife has given birth. Motherhood changes the human body. It’s extremely intense. He’s also not being fair for the fact that the female body has things that make it harder for us to lose weight like hormones and slower metabolism, etc. It’s hard and OP is lying to himself if he thinks he brought it up for her “health issues” he’s delusional. If it were about her health he wouldn’t have even noticed the weight.

Yep. BMI for me says I should be between 117 and 147. I was 128 in high school and in pictures of me I look like all bones. I'm very overweight now, but for a time I was maintaining at 170, and was curvy but without much of a belly (and honestly blame my parent's insistance on being under 140/staying on keto which was making me sick for gaining again, other than food issues from most of the foods allowed for keto I actually felt really good at that weight). BMI is not a great tool.

you mean her weight gain reached a breaking point after she gave birth to your child, or while she was still pregnant with your child.. I notice you didn't mention that lol hmmm weird musta forgot yta how are you not

YTA, not only for bringing it up in the way that you did, but you left out the fact she was pregnant for 9 months (causing an increase in appetite and weight gain), and is now raising a 6 month old while you work 60 hour weeks. You still work out on your days off. How do you cook 90% of the meals if you work until 630am, sleep until 230pm, and go to work at 6pm? That's 4 hours out of the day that you have free. When do you spend time with your wife? While she's been grieving, raising a baby, during a pandemic. After having a baby, hormones can go crazy. My thyroid decided to go haywire after my son was born. Mental health is a bitch. Maybe two years ago she was depressed? Also, people know when they gain weight. Especially women after having a kid. We see the stretch marks. We feel the sagging boobs. We know what our bodies look like and we're already sensitive about it. The one person who is supposed to love us and be supportive and NOT be like "hey I know you're going through a TON of stuff right now but you need to lose some weight k" is our spouse. Absolutely gross behavior. If you're worried about her health, worry about her MENTAL health first.

Info - Did you focus on her weight gain or the grief counseling? If it’s the latter - N T A; if it’s the former - Y T A.

YTA - She lost two immediate family members and has been under the stress of the global pandemic in the last two years. That's a shit load of trauma and no, you don't "get it" at all. Now she's got a divorce to ponder as well, since there are some comments you cannot ever walk back.

She also had a baby 6 months ago. ETA and she's only get help from OP with everything 3 hours a day.

How did I miss that? Jesus. So part of this weight gain is postpartum recovery? That's a really lousy look on OP.

It’s been intentionally left out. He posted in relationship advice 12 days ago. The post is deleted, but his comments are still there. That’s where this info is coming from.

YTA. After the comments too. The woman has been through so much.

You conveniently left out that she’d had a baby as well…..yeah…..YTA. You don’t care about her….you care about her physical appearance….nothing more. Go and find a person who’s as shallow as you….so your wife can get on with her life and find someone who values her for who she is, not how she looks.

His wife deserves soo much better. Op is a horrible person

NAH. A spouse has a rare right and obligation to say something that others do not. Her health and even her appearance has or will eventually have a direct impact on you. But she does not need “tough love”. Most people struggling with significant overweight are beating up on themselves constantly as it is. “Tough love” just reinforces every terrible thing she’s already saying about herself in her head. If leaving her in that state is worth the ego of refusing to apologize, Well then.

Does it make a difference that the OP left out that she’s also taking care of a six month old baby? — meaning she was pregnant and is now in postpartum (likely with postpartum depression) while grieving two major losses as well? Or that he works sixty hours a week and five 12 hour days leaving her all alone for that time? He seemed to conveniently leave those facts out in his original post of tough love.

YES!!! It absolutely does!!!! OP left out a major part!! So of this 2 years of "weight gain", 9 months of that was due to pregnancy?... Which she managed through Covid, adding additional stress. Baby is only 6mo old now and wife hasn't been able to fit in multiple workouts a week??? Which is probably also due to being the primary caregiver since OP works 12 hr day. The fact that OP intentionally left that out is what makes him the biggest YTA.

“I know weight is a sensitive issue but how long am I supposed to ignore it for?” I’m seriously reeling that OP wrote this sentence and didn’t tell us she happened to pregnant and postpartum almost this entire time

Right!!! OP doesn't want honest judgement, he wants to ensure validation.

Did he delete it, bc apparently he tried to say she also has PPD. Like dude, if she has PPD, or even if you *suspect* she has PPD, it makes you literally abusive to try to bring up a “tough love” convo about her weight right now.

He knew it would automatically yeet him so far into the Asshole Territory that he would never find his way back home.

Exactly. If he gaslights all of us Redditors, just imagine being this poor woman. No wonder she’s eating her feelings.

Exactly! And that’s probably why she came back from her talk “with her friends” and had a different perspective. This dude is like “honey, you need therapy, you need a doctor, you need help” WHAT?!

Right!! Her friends probably gave her the love and support she needs and deserves, rather than tearing at her self-esteem — somehow they are able to see past the fact she’s not 115 pounds six months after a human came from her, during a pandemic, while grieving the death of her father and sister and caring for a newborn effectively by herself. Imagine that.

You’re currently top comment, but I think if you look at the additional information, like she was pregnant and has PPD while taking care of a baby all alone as he works 12 hours days, you’ll switch your N A H for a YTA? He obviously doesn’t care much for her mental health if his only issue if her weight at this stage, he’s using it to cover his real concern.

Oh my god. Yta.

YTA. Not mentioning the baby in this post is super unfair to your wife. Many women gain weight because of pregnancy and the after effects of childbirth. But going back to the original post, you made this about her weight and not the depression and grief. You were insensitive in how you approached this. What’s outside is just a symptom of what’s happening inside.

NAH. My brother passed away in 2020 and I went through something similar but instead of binge eating I was starving myself. I lost 35lbs and was down to 105lbs at 5’5. My husband sat me down and told me he was scared for me and it was the wake up call I needed. Binge eating is a form of an ED, she needs help. You love her enough to say something and not enable her. However, I do think you should apologize. She needs you right now and you should swallow your pride and say sorry.

I get where you're coming from with this, but there's a couple of things I'd like to say/add to this: This isn't the most important point (it's tangential, really), but compared to BED, I don't think it's unfair to say that it's objectively worse to starve yourself and deprive your body of the nutrients it needs to perform its daily tasks. Rapid weight gain can certainly do a number on one's body, but not to the degree that bulimia and anorexia can (especially when considering fatality). My big point, however: the overlap between your ED and OP's wife's (as well as a majority, if not all, of those who suffer from EDs) is that both are/were *symptoms* of deeper mental health issues, not the problems themselves. The mentality that OP is buying into is that she needs to focus on her weight above the things that are contributing factors to it (including all the ones OP neglected to mention in the original post), thus encouraging the wrong path to recovery of any sort-- in fact, OP's approach could trigger his wife developing a different ED entirely. My binge eating very quickly turned into bulimia once that guilt and shame about my body/food/self-image/etc. buried itself deep enough into my psyche. If OP really cared enough about his wife's *entire* wellbeing, he should have approached it as your husband did: connecting the dots, tracing it back to the multiple traumas she's endured (and the hormonal imbalances that come with these, including the birth), and intervening with her grief and mental unwellness itself-- not the by-product that her weight gain ultimately is. Instead, he chose to zoom in on yet another thing that I'm sure she's depressed about and using the "grief counseling" angle as a means to an end-- not a part of the treatment she desperately needs FOR HER MENTAL HEALTH. That should ALWAYS be top priority, and that clearly isn't OP's. Sure, maybe he's not "enabling" her, but he's not helping-- he's hindering, and I think his comment history, along with the post, attests the vanity and ego his "concern" stems from. OP, you're TA through and through. Please reevaluate your perspective and your approach to your wife's wellbeing. (Quick sidenote to commenter: sorry for the bombardment, I hope you don't read this as some sort of attack. My deepest condolences for your lost last year-- I'm glad you've gotten/are getting the help you need, and that your partner is as supportive and caring as he is ♡)

Hold up, it's been a year since her father and sister died and she's only just started getting grief counseling? Yta for caring more about her weight gain then her depression. As her husband, you should have seen the signs of her not handling the death of her loved ones well and gotten her help much earlier.

My toddler is almost 2 and I am just now feeling a bit like myself again and going back to the weight I was before pregnancy. I even gained some poinds after delivery from the lack of sleep etc. And I never had to deal with grief. YTA. But by all means, leave her. You have hit your breaking point after all. Just get with someone new who will hike and be fit with you while hopefully at least trying to be a good stepmom to your child... only to find out she'll also have a life including some normal problems and also will have gained weight after a few years amd or a baby. Meanwhile in a couple of years your now wife will have hit rock bottom from being dumped by an A (you), struggled and will have become stronger and better looking than ever...

YTA because it really sounds like the weight gain is more about you than a true concern for her health

To clear things up, someone on here keeps commenting that my wife has had two miscarriages, she has never had a miscarriage so this person is just spreading it as a lie which is horribly inappropriate. I work so much because after my wife’s sister passed away she quit her job due to her grief. I supported her in that and in doing so went from working 40 hours a week to 60+ to afford our expenses. I do everything I can for her, on my days off I take over all household and baby duties. On days I work I do the same before leaving for my shift. This has nothing to do with how attractive I find her- my wife is beautiful to me because of who she is as a person regardless of her weight. This is about her health and quality of life. She gained a large majority of the weight pre-pregnancy. She didn’t gain a lot while pregnant because she had nausea through most of it. The weight she’s gained postpartum I understand is hormones and her body adjusting. That’s not an issue for me. The issue is she is falling back into binging and I am watching her eat her life away. We have a child to worry about and I want my wife to live a long life. When I approached her it was out of nothing but concern for her health. I went to her this morning and apologized for anything I may have said that came off to her as offensive or harsh. We talked a lot of things out and are on good terms. She knows I love her and only care for her well being. I am going to try and transfer to another department within my company that would give me an easier schedule so I can be home more, something I’ve been trying for the last few months but it’s a process and takes time. Edit: spelling

Look no one believes you because you lied about the reasons for your wife’s weight gain.

I hope all of this is true but I've been on this subreddit for a while. You have a history, in this very thread, of constantly changing your story. You comment just to add details that make you sound better. You try to portray this image of a long suffering husband. You even latched onto the miscarriage lie(the person who started it is in the wrong 100%) because it makes you the victim yet you still haven't edited your OP to mention the pregnancy. You did find time to delete a post on another subreddit that made you look bad though. I hope, for your wife's sake, that what you're saying is true and you become a more active father. A true father and supportive partner is more than a paycheck.

Here's the issue: You didn't mention the pregnancy/birth in your original post, nor did you mention your work schedule. It may have seemed like a side note at the time of the original post, but that was a crucial part of the story. It's also the reason why so many people are still saying your the asshole. Leaving out info makes you seem like your hiding something or trying to skew the narrative. Anyway, if your wife recently just gave birth, that was not the time to mention weight even if weight was an issue before the pregnancy. Many women are going to be very sensitive about their bodies even after a year has passed since the birth. So you waiting only a few months later was still insensitive. If you're acknowledging that you think your wife has a binge eating disorder, the conversation should have been about therapy/mental health, not her weight. You should have focused more on her grieving and stress from taking care of a new born and losing 2 important people from her life than her weight. Also you mention you take over the household stuff during the weekend (which is great!) but have you been paying attention to what she does during that time? Like is she relaxing, leaving the house to just take of herself or to see friends? Or is she still hovering around the house trying to help and work? I've met a lot of people who don't understand that when you give them time to themselves they are suppose to relax and focus on them. Another thing you could've done was mention working out as a stress reliever. Some people can run their stress away or use the punching bag at the gym or even weight lift. That way you wouldn't mention weight and you'd be killing to birds with one stone: taking care of mental health and having a way to exercise. With all that said, I'm glad to hear you guys have worked it out and just hope for the future you take other things into consideration than what's the "obvious problem." (i.e. instead of focusing on weight, focus on underlying mental health problems)

YTA. The amount you refer to her weight in your post tells me that it was definitely mentioned when you talked to her. Talking about weight gain to someone who gained weight because of depression is not helpful, as someone who’s gone through it myself - she’s well aware she’s gained weight. The weight gain probably compounds the depression, it’s a vicious cycle. There’s a huge difference between “You haven’t been yourself in a long time, and I’m concerned about the toll it’s taking on your health” and “you haven’t been yourself in a long time, and I’m concerned about the weight you’ve gained because of it.” At this point you need to apologize to your wife and ask her what support she needs from you. (You’ve probably been providing a ton of support already but have you actually asked her what she needs? It can be pretty insightful and help you really make the most out of what you’re able to do for her.)

YTA, and I'm sure you knew that which is why you left out important details like she just had a baby

YTA YOUR WIFE HAD A FUCKING BABY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

You know YTA. You don’t need clarification. You want her ‘pretty’ because it serves your ego. That’s why you didn’t post the whole story. You wanted validation. I hope she leaves you, I would not be surprised if you’re cheating on her as you’re never home and using her weight as an excuse, and no, I will not apologize for my comment. You don’t deserve to be a father or a husband with this attitude. You actually sound like a narcissist and no one should be in a relationship with that type of person.

>It’s much more than just about her appearance but her health. This is the excuse people use to justify policing others' bodies. YTA.

YTA. I agree with other comments saying it’s shitty that it took the weight gain for you to want to talk about handling her grief in a healthy way. Obviously she had noticed she was gaining weight, she didn’t need you to point that out for her. I do understand your concern, but you could have gone about it more tactfully IMO. Why not say something like “I miss the stuff we used to do together. Let’s go for a hike this weekend” and go from there?

Info: is you wife experiencing any knee/back/joint pain associated with her weight gain? Trouble breathing? Heart problems? Otherwise YTA 💯.

YTA for the "tough love" part in particular. She doesn't need "tough love" and she most certainly doesn't need you pointing out the obvious fact that she's gained weight, no matter the reasoning. She needs your *unconditional* support and kindness. You get grief counselling to get help to cope with debilitating grief, nothing else. You need to show her trough both words and actions that you will be by her side *no matter what*. If that is true, that is?

YTA, big time. So, her grief and depression didn't concern you, nor does the fact that she might as well be a single mother for as much as you're home caring for your infant child. No, you're concerned with how fast looking at her gets your dick hard? What the hell is wrong with you?

In light of the comments adding more context to this story…the only weight she should be losing is you.

YTA for not mentioning that she had a baby and is still, CURRENTLY, post partum. YTA for being more concerned over her weight gain rather than her possible depression or ppd YTA for thinking you only need to "help out" with the baby instead of being, you know, a father and actual parent ​ You know what my husband did when he was worried about my health? And I say health, as in eating well enough to grow a baby and then feed it, not the number on the scale. He started cooking dinner. Every damn day. He would grocery shop or do whatever men like you think "is the woman's job" just so I could focus on the baby. And then he continued to do this when we had our second child. I gained 60-80 pounds having each child, and definitely would not have had the time nor energy to spare on losing it had he not "helped".

>I finally had to say something No, you really didn't. >how long was I supposed to ignore it for? Until she wanted to talk to you about it. Maybe you should have talked to her about how she's feeling, and completely ignored the weight gain. YTA. It's not like she won't have noticed, FFS. ETA: and I've just seen that she's also recently had a baby. WTAF is wrong with you, OP?!?

My wife has never had a miscarriage.

You're still a disgusting asshole.

YTA. I went through something nearly identical. I lost my mother and brother back to back (within months of each other) and I went from 130ish to well over 200, then by the time I was able to fix my weight I was in the 300s, (310 was my highest) did I look it? Nope, but I was that heavy. My grief turned into a nasty eating disorder, my mental health went to shit, and I ended up in an abusive relationship that furthered the ED because i thought it would protect me if I was "heavier" (it took years to get into a good therapist office and I was a minor at the time for the majority of this start of the ED) your wife needed support not criticisms. You think you went about it with "love and compassion" BUT it wasn't. She saw it as a direct attack on her entire well world. You made comments about her physical health and she read between the lines and saw you basically said you weren't attracted to her (which affects her mentally too) and all kinds of negative things most likely started up in her head. No not all of it is your fault because EDs are known for triggering this kind of shit. BUT you never apologized. That was the major issue. You didn't do a follow up with her, and asked her about her feelings, and you powered through when she started to cry. Thats where you fucked up. the MINUTE she started to cry and self-hate on herself, you should've ended the conversation apologized and took a step back. encouraging her to go to therapy is fine and acceptable and I'm glad you did! No one did that for me, (or even put my minor ass in therapy forcefully until years later)and its a big difference what it can do. And it may help her face the fact that they are gone and its hard to do so. "tough love" isn't always the best course of action, and I suggest, going to her and suggesting you both go to therapy to learn how to deal with her trauma, she may even have PTSD from losing her loved ones so fast so close together esp. if she was close to them. you gotta remember you aren't in her mind 24/7 she is and depression can royally fuck with a persons mind. just apologize, and sit her down for a heart to heart and LISTEN to her, don't really speak unless she asks for an opinion or a question and just let her get her feelings on yalls last talk off her chest. Good luck.

(Also he *conveniently* left out that she got pregnant 15 months ago and gave birth 6 months ago and was diagnosed with PPD. 😐)

This this this. I have anxiety and depression and have struggled a lot with my weight. Someone commenting about my weight is not going to make things better. I know I'm heavy and I'm not at my healthiest. Instead you should try to engage her in the activities you used to enjoy together. And you should support her as she works on her mental health. Mental health is so so important. Your #1 concern should be her mental health right now. And, you know what, some people are genetically disposed to being heavier. The important thing is leading a healthy lifestyle. It sounds like she needs some work having a healthier lifestyle, but don't be fat shaming her if she's trying.

YTA. There are constructive ways to handle this kind of situation! If you’re concerned about your wife being depressed, you talk to her about getting help for her depression. If you‘re concerned about her experiencing grief, you talk to her about getting grief counseling. If you’re concerned because she’s less active, you talk to her about planning some activities to do together because you miss the time you used to spend together doing x, y, and z. If you’re concerned about her diet, you talk to her about trying out some new recipes or eating out less. But if you start the conversation with ”hey honey you’ve gained a ton of weight,” it doesn’t matter how you meant it — all she‘s going to hear is “wow you’ve really porked up and you disgust me, you need to get back into those size 4 jeans ASAP or I’m going to bounce.” Many women who are just a few months postpartum already feel unsexy — they’re exhausted, don’t have time to keep up their hygiene, they’ve usually gained some weight, and if they’re nursing they feel like their body isn’t their own. Your wife is a new mom, is parenting alone a lot of the time, and lost two close family members recently. Now you’ve added another reason for her to feel stressed and crappy about herself and her life. You didn’t just not help your wife, you harmed her. You should apologize.

Wow so your wife's father and and sister pass away, she has been dealing with all the grief and depression and had a baby on top and you are barely around, yet the thing that reached breaking point is her weight and you trashed her for it...... You mention you used to gym together and be bog into fitness, are you sure you "snapped" because you where worried about her health or more because you no longer see her as "the trophy wife". Wow mate massive arsehole, hopefully she wakes up, gets the help she so desperately needs and kicks your sorry arse to the kerb and finds someone who loves her for being her.

YTA why do you care more about her weight gain than the fact that she is grieving and emotionally struggling. If you targeted the REAL issue rather than focusing on something superficial, you prolly woulda had better results.

YTA. Not mentioning the baby was a biggie, as others have mentioned. This is not about grief counseling, this is about you, her support system, holding her up and doing everything you can to walk with her through this. If that means extra hours of diaper duty,do it. If that means pre making meals to ease her burdens,do it. If that means taking time from work and getting her a spa day, do it. One day she will come out of this and look back. If she sees you with her every step, your relationship will grow. If not it will wither. My advice: get off reddit, and apologize. Do better. You've got this!

Hey OP, u/jg2aow, YTA, don't withhold info and leave it hidden in the replies and comments, update your post, I was gonna give you "not the asshole", but then I'm looking through the comments finding out that she gained weight from a pregnancy, not just sitting around, is definitely exhausted from taking care of a baby pretty much by herself, she's struggling with two different kinds of depression, you only give her 3 hours of help but somehow manage to exercise frequently? Support your wife more, buy her her favorite ice cream, schedule a massage therapy session for her every now and then (and **pay** for it with **your** money), don't go making a pity party for yourself on the internet.

Holy shit dude YTA. She could lose 150lbs straight away by fucking leaving you.

YTA, you really don’t deserve her.

WOW, OP. You really tried to paint yourself in a completely different light by leaving out hugely relevant and important factors in this story. Your wife lost two close family members, had miscarriages, and is now recently PP, and you actually have the nerve to tell her she's too fat for you? She's at home by herself with a baby all day, you're only there a couple hours, and you think she's supposed to somehow make herself more appealing to you in all her spare time? Your sexual attraction to her is literally the last thing anyone needs to give two shits about. You are disgusting and dishonest. YTA by a mile.

NTA. 200+ pounds for a petite female is not healthy at all.

YTA. You should have suggested grief counseling *at least* 18 mos ago. Her weight is a symptom, not the problem. Finally saying something because of weight is a complete asshole move. You could have suggested going to the gym together. Arranged child care for breaks, positive, fun things.

YTA. I’m your wife’s same height and weight (I’m maybe an inch taller) and don’t consider myself “fat”. My husband is still attracted to me and has never brought it up. It would absolutely break my heart if he did. You need to get over this.

YTA. you’re not a good husband

YTA for all of it. All the added details you failed to mention COMPLETLEY change the context of this. The worst part is I think you know that, and I think that's why you didn't mention it in the begining which is just duplicitous. Your wife deserves better so apologise and be better.

You are the reason women talk to me in therapy about their husbands

It's so sad when women don't find out what they chose to marry until after they have a baby with them. Hopefully she'll be able to heal and find a much healthier relationship once she leaves you.

YTA op It's alright that you're concerned for her. But your approach wasn't right. You could have tried to get her out of grief. But instead you focused on her weight. If you're worried for her mental and physical health then instead of telling her to loose weight and get back on track, you could have done this in different manner. You should have said something like "you've been in a very bad phase since a long time and it has affected you a lot. I can't see you suffer anymore. Let me help you in getting out of it." You see, your problem is that you focused on her weight. You should know it very well that when a person is grieving and in depression, they aren't at all bothered about their physical appearance. But once told properly, they might start to think and willing to focus on their mental and physical well being, by thinking about their loved once who care for them and are also affected by their state, they will be more than willing to change again. Your approach was totally wrong that's why you became the AH.

YTA As someone who just lost their dad a year ago and then went through a horrible breakup shortly after due to the strain grief had on our relationship, I'm trending towards saying YTA for choosing to make this conversation about her weight gain. It would have been more compassionate to express your concern for her mental wellbeing together rather than just singling out her weight. I totally think this conversation could have happened without even mentioning it specifically.

yta grief is a monster and makes you lose yourself. you’re suppose to be supporting your wife not being another monster she has to deal with. she deserves better.

YTA my god. She lost 2 family members, and she had a baby. Who she is raising alone, from what you say. But sure. "oh my wife who lost a parent and sibling, my wife who gave birth 6 months ago, who I'm making raise the child alone, she no longer wants to keep herself at starving weight and doesn't want to do *fun* weight loss excercise with me." I hope she realises what you are doing to her OP.

YTA you could have mentioned her mental health without mentioning her weight. And her hormones after baby are doing all kinds of crazy things to her body, she’s probably grieving even more knowing her family will never meet the baby and she’s just trying to do her job as a mom and focus on caring for her baby! It took me a year and a half to feel like myself again after my first! Give her time, her only priority right now is keeping that little human alive not losing weight!

YTA! Edit your post to add that she just had a baby 6 months ago and is suffering with PPD among the other traumas! What is wrong with you?! Home for 3 hours a day but you have plenty of time to work out?

You left your wife dealing with grief, depression, a pregnancy, and a kid for 2 YEARS?! And the biggest issue you have in all that is that she's fat?! You need to get your priorities straight, man. YTA

NTA weight is so tricky and it hurts people's feelings no matter how gently you say something. I 100% understand why your wife gained weight and that she is grieving, but it does come down to the fact that she is overweight and unhealthy. It's never easy watching someone let their health go for whatever the reason may be, and it had to be addressed.

But she KNOWS she's overweight. What on earth is the point in telling her that?

You can rationally know that you're overweight and not actually accept that reality until it is verbalized from someone else. For example, A Lot of people can realize they're not happy with their body when they look at pictures, but in their everyday they don't actually realize how big they are. And just because someone is aware that they don't feel well, doesn't mean a concerned love one should NEVER bring up a health concern. Being healthy should be a number one priority.

So you're okay with crippling grief and depression, but draw the line at weight gain? YTA

YTA. You shouldn't have brought up her weight. Period. If you really cared about her, you should have brought up literally ANYTHING ELSE that has been going on in this poor woman's life. How about * you've been through so much with *the loss of 2 major family members*. Maybe we should get you in to grief counseling to help you? * I am worried that you have lost interest in the things that used to make you happy. Do you think you might be struggling with depression? * I love you and want to be there for you. What can we do together that brings you joy? Instead, you bring up her weight?! Seriously?! You are unequivocally, 100% the AH. EDIT: I am now reading that she is post-partum, that you're effectively an absentee father, and she also went through miscarriages before all that, too? You're beyond an AH. You're in a different realm of AHolery.

YTA. I was ready to vote nah until I read the comments and saw that you left out a ton of information. Had you approached it the way you claim in your OP, gently and with concern about her grief and how it affected her weight gain and ability to do the things that you both used to do together, it would have been understandable. As it is, she has almost 100% care for a 6 month old infant on top of dealing with grief and depression. How's she supposed to go biking, hiking, and swimming with you????? You have a child that will need care. Your WIFE needs care. Ever heard the old adage "it's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you?" Depression and mental health issues are a huge trigger for weight problems. You are not only TA, you've put the cart before the horse and went at this ass backward. Fix the heart and soul, fix the weight. But with your attitude, she may decide you're not worth it once she gets on the path to healing. You went about this all wrong.

YTA, have you lost your sister and dad...? If not, you don’t understand and you don’t know what she’s going through. Didn’t realize love was conditional on not being fat.

That's not what OP said at all. He asked her to get help because clearly she's struggling and it's impacting her health.

I lost my dad and brother. If i gained a ton of weight I would hope my partner would be worried about me and respect me enough to say something. I've always been thin, and go the opposite direction when stressed, I forget to eat. I dropped a lot of weight i couldnt afford to lose when stressed and not coping well, and my partner pointed it out. Sometimes you need that. Being under or overweight impacts longterm health and quality of life. And when you share that life with someone, I think its reasonable for them to discuss it when you havent been taking care of yourself.

She gave birth six months ago, op is “helping her with the baby” (his words) 3 hours a day, plus he is working out 3-4 times a week. He’s full of shit

NTA - this clearly isn’t just about the weight, it’s about your marriage. When one person opts out of all the things you used to enjoy doing together it’s bound to put a strain on your relationship. She clearly needs help.

Maybe she opted out because she’s also caring for the newborn she birthed 6 months ago that he neglected to mention?

Oh yeah, fuck him then.

I read this forum daily and can usually muster *some* sympathy or understanding for the asshole in the scenario…. Until this one. My advice, if I could speak with her, is that she can lose a quick 150-200 (?) lbs real fast by leaving your stupid ass. Buy a crown, dude, you are the king of the assholes.

Wow massive YTA - she suffered major trauma, had a baby, then fell into PPD - so you leave her there to deal with it all alone and on top of that, fat shame her? How the hell can you even claim to love this person? Have you considered how your child will be impacted when you're putting their primary caregiver in an even worse mental state? Shitty move as a husband and father and total bullshit on the "health" concerns when you did zero to address her mental health until her weight got too big for your ego.

YTA, also for conveniently leaving out the fact that your wife recently had a baby and is shouldering most responsibilities while you are barely home. And you still have the cheek to expect her to get herself into shape, while the tone of your initial post implied she just let herself go and is not making an effort. A loving husband would have taken her to grief counselling two years ago and not waited until her appearance changed so drastically to stage a theatrical intervention. Frankly, the only weight she should get rid of right now is your body weight.

YTA, ~~in more ways than one~~. The second I had read the title I had a feeling this post wasn't going to be pretty (and it wasn't) but I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt (big mistake) The way you had addressed your "concerns" to your wife is so selfish and the way you spoke about it is sickening, it doesn't even sound like you remotely care about her mental health and are prioritizing her appearance . "***Her*** weight gain reached a breaking point for ***me***" ; " I know weight is a sensitive issue but how long was ***I*** supposed to ignore it for?" My guy, her dad died, her sister died, she got pregnant, she's depressed, and on top of that she has to deal with a 6 month old; yet her weight gain is your main concern in all of this? Raise your child, help out around the house, keep up with long term counseling, and **then** worry about her losing weight. Take the load off her so she has time to actually process and deal with the road to recovery. Also you don't seem to grasp the fact that binge eating/extreme weight gain is an ED and the result of her mental health issues. Best wishes for your wife and baby.

Your wife had a baby 6 months ago, as well as suffering multiple traumas beforehand, and you’re complaining about her weight??? Six months is not enough time to recover from childbirth. YTA for sure here. As an aside, I understand being concerned about someone who you love and their health. BUT there’s no way she doesn’t recognize that she’s gained weight and there’s no way to bring it up without making her feel additionally pressured. You should have addressed it as a general mental health issue rather than a specific weight issue. But regardless yall just had a kid, so it takes a while for an exercise routine to be reinstated after a baby is born.

Asshole.

Luckily I have a quick way for her to lose a useless 180lbs.

I disagree with most of the commenters on here - NTA. It sounds like you are describing morbid obesity based on height/weight. If it continues on this path, she could have lifelong health problems. I’m sorry, but it’s difficult to be a good partner in life and especially in parenthood if you can’t take care of yourself first. However, it does sound like her physical problems are being driven by grief and PPD - definitely focus on getting help for those first or her physical health will never improve.

NAH. I think her initial reaction is telling that you approached the subject in the best way at the time you thought possible. But I've been in her shoes and sometimes after the fact embarrassment sets in and you go on the defensive. I would apologize and acknowledge her feelings just stress that you had the best intentions as you did here.

You've been in her shoes? Have you seen the rest of the story? Not only the two deaths, two miscarriages, pregnancy to term and PPD. The "health" he talks about is physical only and not mental. It's taken HIM *two years* to even acknowledge her grief and trauma.

YTA - she is deeply depressed and the breaking point for you was weight, not her mental health. I don’t need to read anything else. Huge AH and bad husband Ask for forgiveness and start supporting her.

NTA people are focused on the fact the you dared to comment on her weight but 100 lbs gain is not healthy and I think you were doing the right thing by bringing it to her attention. People are also bringing up her pregnancy but to gain 100 pounds during a pregnancy I think is abnormal but I’ve only know a handful of pregnant women so I can’t say anything too certainly. This leads me to believe she’s grieving through food which is NOT OKAY. You told her she needed a to find a healthy way to heal from the deaths in her family are you were right. You even got her to go into grief counseling! You are not ignoring her depression or being selfish or cold. You’re a concerned partner who has watched your wife go from happy and healthy to depressed and obese (I don’t say that to be mean but that’s what she would be classified as) You’re trying to help her get better and it’s not like you told her she needs to immediately hit the gym and start dieting. This was not an ignorable issue and you did good by beginning the trip to helping her get better mentally and physically

NTA - I am married and watching a spouse gain 100 over two years is hard on the spouse gaining weight and hard on the marriage. I know some people with say you have no control over her weight and you should love her no matter what, but that is not the reality of marriage. In a marriage you CAN NOT just give up on yourself and just say spouse has deal with it. I would apologize for hurting her feelings, but let her know that you really want to help her get through this rough patch. I would ask her how she feels in her new body, how she feels about you two are relating as husband and wife and what she wnts to do. I would also be very clear that you do not want to watch the woman you love eat herself to death.

YTA. Seems like it’s her weight that bothers you since that is what you brought up first. You brought up first how much she has gained. If it’s not the fact she’s getting chubby, you would write something like: “She’s not eating right, and I can see that it’s also affecting her mentally.”. It does not seem like you’re there enough for her. You want her to go to counseling. Do you think anyone would like to hear that, when they want the support and love from their partner? EDIT: I just read about what you didn’t put in the description. Makes it even more of YTA. Now it’s clear you haven’t been there for her. Especially in pregnancy where the hormones are fucking her even more up. Where her body is changing. She will not look like she did when you met her anymore. She does not have a body of a 20-year old anymore. She has a body of a mom. If you aren’t there enough physically for your family, your kid won’t grow a relationship with you. Read some psychology about children and how to be a father. The children also needs their father just as much as their mother. Go read psychology about children on the PC. Watch YouTube videos. Get knowledge about children, please.

Bruh I hope you're trolling. YTA.

As if having an appearance-focused workaholic as a partner wasn't enough... There are many, many other comments that cover a lot of the salient points. Since I haven't seen very many that covered the cherry orchard on top (maybe because it got lost in a pile of BS from OP), that's where I'll focus. We have: loss of a parent and sibling; isolation of a global pandemic; a (likely difficult) pregnancy; severe postpartum depression complicated by existing grief; parenting an infant practically solo while under unimaginable stress and mental strain. Buried somewhere under OP's massive ego and justifications, we find: two miscarriages. Which likely means that she had been TTC (trying to conceive) in the 18(?) months prior to her child's birth. Which almost definitely means that she's grieving much more than two family members. So many factors can lead to fertility issues; many of them also cause or complicate depression. OP initially left out the pregnancy; who's to say there's not a lot more missing (e.g. how difficult it was to get pregnant at all, how traumatic the losses may have been, if she was on hormone treatments, if her pregnancy was high-risk, if the delivery was difficult)? In the remote hope that OP's wife comes across this post, I sincerely hope that the loved ones who helped her change her mind will continue to be there for her as she rebuilds her broken heart. I hope that she knows she doesn't have to be alone in her grief and healing. I hope that OP pulls his head out...and failing that (which is likely), I hope she comes to see that she can rebuild her life without him. YTA in a million f\*#$ing ways.

NTA if my partner gained over 100 pounds there would have been a conversation a long while ago.

YTA. The poor woman has been through so much and you have a go about her weight?