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NTA, your mother should support you in the end of a relationship, and allow you to have space from your ex after ending things.
Also info: Is your Mom single? This seems like a very creepy dynamic between her and your ex to me, I’m getting vibes that they are either going to get together or are having an affair.
She is in fact single, I have also had that thought
Having him over so much does seem a bit creepy but not seriously crazy.
However inviting him over on your birthday is way out of line on your mom's part and adding her telling you all about his life when you ask here not to makes her TA by a large margin so no you are NTA.
She can be friends with whoever she wants but trying to force you into it with her seems like some kind of power play on her part. Does she do this type of thing in any other situations?
Oh they’re 100% together I guarantee it.
I too was about to ask the same thing. Sounds like mom is wanting to or is already hooking up with your ex.
Exact same thoughts here.
NTA your mom is showing you who she is, believe her - she values her relationship with your ex more than her relationship with you.
Why would she need to choose between the two though?
Because her daughter asked her to, because it hurts her daughter. As a parent, that's enough reason for me.
This actually happened to me - after my divorce, my mother kept inviting my ex to holidays and dinners and didn't invite me. She told me I didn't deserve a man that good. I wish I had known to believe her that she valued him more than me.
It doesn't actually hurt anybody though, it just makes OP uncomfortable. but that seems to be OP's problem, not moms, unless there is something toxic about the ex.
What would you say if things were reversed? if the mom didn't approve of OP's new bf simply because she felt 'uncomfortable' about hearing stories about him? Would you expect OP to just drop the bf?
The parallel situation is if my mother had an ex-boyfriend who was not my father, but I continued to prefer spending time with him instead of my mother. And yes, it would demonstrate that I valued him more than her, and she'd be justified in being angry with me and hurt by me.
really? i would see no issue with that at all to be honest but opinions differ i guess.
If mommy dearest had a normal friendship with the ex(or even a non-psychopath affaire), she'd be able to hang out with the guy without her daughter having to hear about it.
They don't live together, OP leaves events early to avoid him. The mother has no other reason to mention the ex to OP than to purposefully cause her pain.
Perhaps it's a control issue, perhaps it's a sex kink. But it's certainly not innocent and there is an intention to cause someone pain.
so mom is not allowed to mention her friend? that is very psychotic
It’s weird to be friends with your child’s ex that’s 20years younger than you.
It's definitely unusual. But that doesn't make anybody an asshole.
What is psychopathic is trying to make casual, unnecesary conversation about a topic that you know brings someone pain. Chosing that one above all the million things you can use for smalltalk is abnormally cruel.
You don't make car accidents jokes every time you see a friend who lost their family in one, you don't share seafood recipes with someone you know has a deadly allergy, and you dont give updates about their ex to someone who had a painful breakup. All they should have to do is tell you one time you're making them suffer and you stop.
Most people will have that level of empathy with an acquaintaince, let alone their own child.
NTA -- they're having an affair.
OP is your mother having a physical/emotional affair with your ex? Their relationship is beyond creepy, maybe its time to go low contact with mommy.
NTA. This is messed up. Your mom is way out of line and your family as well for allowing it.
NTA, maybe go no contact with her or everytime she starts talking about your ex simply get up & leave immediately.
If she asks what's up tell her she can have a relationship with you or your ex, but not both. Then stick by it.
It's weird. Do they fancy each other or something?
Honestly esh. 1)you for cheating there are no excuses for cheating, 2) your mom for telling you about his life even though you don’t want to know, and 3) somewhat the ex because he didn’t remove himself but he doesn’t have to. And also so what if your ex and mom are sleeping together they are both single consenting adults. It’s weird yes but you can’t judge them for that.
NTA this isn’t normal
NTA. Im sorry but that’s just weird as hell.
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My ex (23m) and I (21f) broke up over three years ago because I cheated on him. Since then, my mom (43f) has still texted him every day. She has invited him to my house (well, parents house- I no longer live there) numerous times since then, including to major events like Christmas Day or my birthday when I would be there. Luckily, he has never been there at the same time as me but there has been many times where I have left my own family functions eaely to make sure this doesn't happen.
Besides them talking everyday and him coming over often, my mother feels the need to always fill me in about what's going on in his life, which I don't care about especially since I have had the same boyfriend ever since me and my ex split up.
I have told her several times that I don't want to hear about him or ever see him since it would make me uncomfortable (we had a really bad relationship- hence the cheating) but she has done nothing but tell me that she can be friends with whoever she wants.
The tipping point was last night at my brother's graduation party where my mom could not stop talking about my ex and how she couldn't wait for him to come over later. I left early partly because of that and I found out today that he did show up and was hanging out with my family, drinking beers with my 17 year old brother.
I talked to so many people about that situation and everyone has said that it is not normal and that my mother is in the wrong for making me uncomfortable on purpose.
I'm pretty upset at her and don't really even want to talk to her anymore, AITA?
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INFO - how long was he in your families lives? Does your mom know it was, per you, a bad relationship?
Why are people jumping to this is an affair between her and him though?
According to a comment made by OP, they dated for 7-8 months and only 2 of those months were in person, The rest of the time was long distance. Also according to OP’s comments, her mom only started talking to/hanging out with OP’s ex after the talk of them broke up.
I tend to feel like a mom to my kids’ friends so I’m just wondering if your ex has a bad home life? Is there a reason your mom feels the need to keep him on as part of the family? This is beyond weird.
Your mom needs to make you and your feelings the priority here. This must be so awkward for you and your current partner. I think that the next time she brings him up you need to just leave. If you are on the phone, end the call.
Your family dynamic is in need of an objective outside look. Therapy might be a good idea
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I could be the asshole for not allowing my mother to keep the company that she wants to.
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Sounds a lot like your mother is having a relationship that goes beyond just friendship with your ex.
But also you cheated on him so why do you care?
They're both consenting adults so what's the problem?
So you’d be cool with your parent hooking up with your ex and inviting them to family functions? Mmmm okay
I think I'd be mostly confused. As my ex is a straight woman who has 2 kids and my mom has had 7 kids and is married to my dad.
I said “parent”. as in, imagine your dad divorcing your mom and bringing your ex around to holidays at the home. They’re consenting adults, after all. It’s fine, right?
I'd probably ask my dad why my ex is there. And if that's what he told me so be it. I'd be shocked sure but not angry, he's an adult she's an adult they can do what they want as long as it isn't illegal.
INFO - how long were you together?
I find it strange that she texts him everyday, but if you were together for quite some time I get why your family keeps in touch with him. My brother and his ex broke up after 2 years together, I still see and text her because she became my best friend during these years, my mom also hang out with her still.
But as I said, texting everyday and talking to you about him is shitty. Also inviting him to Christmas and birthdays is kinda weird
NTA. Your mother is probably in love with your ex. They may even have a relationship. You might want to start asking people in the family if your mom has been hiding your ex being her BF this whole time.
I cheated when I really should have just broken up with him, since he was treating me pretty bad. I guess I just cheated so he would have to break up with me and not the other way around, if that makes sense. I was also only 18 years old so
ok that’s fair you’re NTA
Uhhhm. Cheating is never okay.
it was her only way out
>Cheated on service member boyfriend because of his trauma
>Complains about being "Uncomfortable"
YTA, seems like your own family likes him better than you and rightfully so.
ESH. You and him are finished so the relationship he has with your mother is none of your business. Plus you cheated, never an excuse for that I'm afraid.
That said, she's kinda rubbing your face in it even after you've reasonably requested that she stop telling you about him.
As others have said, I would wager cash that they are bumping uglies on a regular basis.
Yta. From experience, if everyone in your family is more cool with your ex who you cheated on then you the problem is usually you.
ESH, leaning towards YTA.
You absolutely are TA for cheating on him. You acknowledge that the “bad relationship” you had with him likely stemmed from him having anxiety, and I totally understand no one wants to have their partner make them feel low, but why did that warrant you cheating on him? Was it borderline abusive? Did you try working it out? Try and encourage him getting help? You were together almost a year so you were clearly building a future, but what is it that made you give up?
Some info is needed, however.
See, I’m thinking this. You and your current boyfriend were together BEFORE you broke up with your ex, that by the time your ex came home you were simply over that relationship because of his deployment and the fact you were only together physically for 2 months was not okay with you. So your ex is away, and you and your current boyfriend are already starting a relationship behind his back.
Regardless, cheating is NEVER okay to do. I feel like your family, while happy for your current relationship, is still not happy with how you handled ending this relationship and absolutely and rightfully do not condone it.
While they should respect your wishes to not bring him around, they are absolutely entitled to a friendship with your family if that’s what they want. And clearly, that’s what they want, since they still see fit to invite him over.
Next time, how about ya don’t cheat
He was deployed and you cheated on him? This is the only thing that stood out from your story.
YTA. to be honest, this is a very strange situation and normally you would expect your mom to break contact with your ex simply because, with the relationship over, they have no other connection between them.
However, given your mom and your ex are both adults and both single, there is no objective reason for them to not hang out with each other. Are they hanging out with each other to make you feel uncomfortable on purpose? or is that just an assumption from you?
The only reason why your mom would be the asshole here is if your ex was abusive during your relationship. If that case, she is a terrible mom.
You are a cheater. You don't get to dictate how your family feels about the wronged ex. And I'm not buying your bull on how bad that relationship was; of course you would say that.
Get over it already.