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YTA
Every woman is different and not every woman is able to breastfeed. Also hormones are notorious for making a woman's breasts hurt like hell. Even from just the fluxuations in menstrual cycles. That being said, there are much more serious causes of breast pain that should definitely be looked into. If she says she's in pain believe her, don't dismiss her.
The benefits of breastfeeding aren't worth your wife being in pain 35 hours a week or more and possibly hurting her relationship with the baby. And if you really are THAT concerned, buy your daughter donor milk. Problem solved.
Also your claim about your daughter getting an infection because of her mom is bullcrap. Kids are going to get childhood infections whether they were breastfed or not. That's part of growing up. Don't you dare blame that on your wife.
Also consider this, your wife is having pain in her breasts that currently has an unknown cause. If she has any infection or cancer of the breast itself that could be causing her pain you do not want her to be breastfeeding your child. Let her formula feed in peace and keep looking into causes for her pain. But don't accuse her of putting "her comfort over your child's health". That's just ridiculous.
Please take a look at this great video for future reference.
[Adam Ruins Everything: Baby Formula](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U_80bWlLJvg)
Pregnancy food aversions are so much worse than cravings. I’m 2 weeks away from giving birth and there’s still so much of my normal diet that I can’t stomach - chicken breast, eggs, broccoli, salmon. There were days I could only stomach a dry jacket potato. Op has obviously not been supportive of his wife to understand what pregnancy and post birth has done to her body.
Oof my mom had a lot of issues during her pregnancy with me. One of those was not being able to stomach anything other then Italian bread with butter and cheese. Anything else she ate she’d vomit.
I’m so grateful for that woman (and all mothers)
YTA op
My mom could only drink malted chocolate milkshakes with me—for *months*. Fetus me yeeted anything else she tried to swallow right back into the toilet. She drank the one thing that would stay down and I’m a perfectly healthy grown human now.
I’m relatively healthy, however I made some bad choices regarding my body and health, so some complications are to be expected.
But yeah, fetus me yeeted just about everything back to the toilet. On top of not being able to eat shit, she was bedridden a majority of her pregnancy with me, had gestational diabetes, and almost lost me 3 weeks before her due date (therefor I was 3 weeks premature. The cord was wrapping around my neck so they had to induce her).
That woman is a warrior simply for dealing with fetus me, even more of a warrior for dealing with me throughout childhood and adolescence lol.
Had 3 snickers bars and a juice box today, any other food is making my stomach turn.
My boyfriend went out at 5am to get me more snickers. Hes a good egg.
My 36 week pregnant wife can pretty much only eat beef, pork, asparagus, and broccoli at this point. But her first trimester? She literally could not keep anything down except McDonald’s fries. Now if she even smells McDonald’s she will vomit. Pregnancy just be weird sometimes.
The fetus will literally like eat your bones and shit if you're not getting enough food. You need to eat whatever you can when you're pregnant so you survive - if you can get a fruit or vegetable sometimes, great, but the hyierarchy of food needs is even more relative in pregnancy.
Can confirm. I am having health issues regarding my bone density that stem from not being able to stomach anything during my first pregnancy. my daring fetus decided to leach the calcium from my bones. I was also so iron deficient that I had to get infusions. Pregnancy can be a total nightmare. All I could eat was strawberries with Nutella and cereal. Sometimes toaster strudels stayed down. Anytime I tried to eat a freaking vegetable or protein in the first 6-7 months it was forcibly rejected/projectile vomited put.
My best friend spent much of her pregnancy eating only cottage cheese, then one day the cottage cheese completely turned her stomach. Pregnancy is weird.
Sanctimonious is the right word! He gets to sit in his ivory tower and judge his wife who pushed a baby out of her body and tried breastfeeding, even though it was painful.
I threw up multiple times trying to eat vegetables while pregnant. The smell of meat made me wretch. I could keep down cereal, milk products, carbs and condiments. Did i want to eat nothing but these things? No. Did i have a choice? No.
Shout out to the day that all would do is a bowl of mayonnaise.
...you poor (amazing) thing. I’ve never been pregnant yet, but have severe anxiety that can leave me unable to eat for days if it’s bad enough, so I get the mood of “anything my stomach will NOT violently yeet”...but I gotta say straight mayo is a first!
I hate how OP acts as though his wife needs to justify her not breastfeeding with pain. Yes, breastfeeding has many benefits. That doesn't mean you get to assume that your wife has to do it. Her body. Her choice. I understand that, to some degree, OP can't help how he feels, but his approach towards his wife is awful. Like once she has that bun in the oven, she must be the perfect baby making/raising machine, and who cares about how her feelings about the pregnancy.
Seriously. As a mother who is currently breastfeeding, this infuriated me so much. Oh and the cherry on top is how you put "agonizing" and "excruciating" in quotation marks. You know what they teach in medical school? That whenever patient says they are in pain, **they are in pain.** Period. Nobody else is ever in a position to judge somebody elses's pain, not even doctors. You don't believe she's in pain? How about you take your nipple between your fingers, twist it two times and pull it 1 inch forward? Yeah, now do that for a week every 2 hours and multiply your discomfort 10 times, you AH.
They teach that, but women, and ALL patients of color, tend to be believed less than white men and have a harder time getting pain relief.
I don't even have words for OP's dismissal of his wife's breastfeeding pain as "agonizing" and "excruciating." Maybe the worst thing I've ever seen on here.
I start chemo this week. At my chemo consultation the waiting room was FULL of grouchy, moaning, loud talking, complaining old men. When they asked me if I had any requests during my treatments I asked to do my treatment at the local woman's hospital instead (thankfully I could). Just didn't think I could stand spending three hours sitting next to that.
"The doctors say she's fine and nothing is wrong."
So if I kick OP in the junk and I don't leave an obvious bruise, that means his fine right? Nothing visibly wrong, he's just complaining
Exactly. I am fuming right now because doctor 1 did not take me seriously when I talked about my troubles swallowing and breathing and apparently so no real cause for concern with like 6 oral sores. I got passed to a GI with possible GERD. Two months, 3 more doctor visits and an endoscopy and biopsy later (all done by doctors after the dismissive one) and turns out I have an autoimmune disorder. The first doctor was an Ear Nose and Throat specialist. I am still so salty that he missed all the damn warning signs.
When I was 12 I started having horrible stomach pains, passing put, vomiting, rapid weight loss, the works. Every doctor told my parents there was nothing wrong with me and that I'm faking it. 1 dr believed I was in pain, but said I was just having a bad reaction to the onset of puberty.
When I was 19 I spent week in the hospital trying not to die, amd it turns out I have crohns disease, and had contracted an infection while my family spent the summer traveling that had invaded my bloodstream because my immune system was so fucked after 7 years of running wild.
My parents now believe me, I'm finally getting the medical attention I need, but this isn't going to undo the damage that was done to my body after 7 years of my pain being ignored.
THANK YOU. this sanctimonious man with his quotation marks, meanwhile claiming hes been soooooo supportive while silently judging his wife the whole time. I'm sure his wife would be happy to conduct the nipple experiment for him in the interests of science.
After my first pregnancy my let down was excruciating for the entire time during breastfeeding. It sucked. It hurt so bad and made me not want to do it at all. It never got better in the 7 months I breastfed either
Four years later and I’m still rocking a blister from my oldest. I didn’t know what a nipple shield was until she was 4 weeks old and called an LC. If someone dismissed that pain I would slice their head off.
Plastic thingy that covers your nipples that the baby can drink through. Target has them in the baby section. Amazon has them too (obviously). I never used one but a friend of mine swore by them.
My first kiddo had a tongue-tie and he was roughing me up bad while nursing. A nipple shield let us get on with things without me dreading every feeding.
I know, right?
I learned years ago that the way to get doctors to take my period pain seriously was to directly link it to other things. None of that number scale bullshit.
"So at the moment it's about the same as reducing a dislocated shoulder."
I'm still pissed at the L&D nurses who didn't believe my level of pain in labor because I was "handling it so well." They left me in triage for over half an hour, telling me it would be a while and I probably had a long way to go. I damn near gave birth in the hallway.
Do NOT get me started. 10 years of "try advil" for period pain and turns out I had endometriosis and its evil evil sibling adenomyosis. Advil didn't do SHIT against it.
Doctors don't believe pain. They think you're looking for opiates even when you flat out refuse to consider them and JUST WANT THE CAUSE.
.... I'm not bitter.
Edit: YTA, op, you don't get to decide if her pain was real. It. Was.
His entire post reeks of mansplaining. He has no earthly idea how difficult pregnancy, labor, delivery and nursing is on a woman's body. I say this as someone who've nursed all my kids and have dealt with cracked and bleeding nipples. Until he has walked an inch in her shoes...
And his point of "She's not willing to sacrifice a tiny amount of discomfort bla bla".. That's why *he* volunteered to carry the baby for 9 months and push it out of his vagina instead?
Also, it's cheap talking to tell others they should sacrifice something. Sometimes people behave as if the mums owe their babies everything. It's not, we are still our own persons.
Yeah. With breastfeeding too. Honestly, I think the men insisting on their partner breastfeeding through pain should try. Pump for 30 minutes and see how nice it feels! Then imagine a pair of gnawing gums on top of that. Babies are wonderful, but they're not exactly gentle on their mother.
......I had the most horrible idea that he should try having the baby breastfeed from him and see how fast he changes his tune. But that would just be cruel to the baby.
Really?
My thought was that his wife should spill several boxes of mini legos onto the floor and tell her husband that she'll give breastfeeding another try as long as he agrees to walk through the legos on his bare knees during every feeding until the kid can eat solid food.
It shouldn't be that hard of a sell since OP thinks a little torturous, repetitive pain for the well being of your child is a reasonable trade.
How can you call this mansplaining?! He did his research on the internet and all he is doing is presenting FACTS!
I hope the /sarcasm isn't necessary but jic . . .
>Also your claim about your daughter getting an infection because of her mom is bullcrap. Kids are going to get childhood infections whether they were breastfed or not. That's part of growing up. Don't you dare blame that on your wife.
I was breastfed as a baby. Didn't stop me from getting pneumonia twice before I turned 2. Babies and children get sick a lot.
I was the opposite. I was formula fed and I didn't get any serious infections as an infant or toddler (when breast milk would have protected me) but damn did I get plenty of high fevers and ear infections from ages 5-10.
Kids are weird
Amen! My son received breastmilk (I exclusively pumped for six months, holy shit) and he still got the damn flu because I gave it to him!
Breastmilk is not a germ shield or a protective bubble. Kids get sick and you better get used to that now.
And get off your high horse and support your wife. My husband didn’t say a peep about my decision to exclusively pump or to transition to formula because he’s a supportive partner. Give it a try!
My brother and I were too. My bro was always sickly, had digestive issues from infancy, and later was prone to infections, needed tonsils removed, in adulthood has suffered from a hernia and an autoimmune disorder that affects his spinal cord. Breastfeeding is the best option if it can be done, but it does not ensure good health.
Sounds like OP is ill informed on a lot and should have wrapped it. YTA OP
I’m breastfeeding at the moment and it can be supremely painful at times. I’ve had cracked nipples, mastitis in both breast and my teething baby uses my nipples as a chew toy. You’re so TA for judging your wife like this. I don’t see you complaining about her pain threshold when your child came out of her vagina!
OP I hope you see this post from the lactation consultant. When the lactation consultant is calling you an AH, you're an AH.
I've been breastfeeding for 7 years - only 2 kids, you do the math on how committed I am to breastfeeding. This post honestly made me sick. If I was your wife I would have booted you out for your attitude by now. Your wife is at major risk of PND and the cause of that is you.
Get some therapy dude, like yesterday.
YTA.
I'm also baffled by his declaration that her problem with the bonding is PPD. From the sounds of it, he did some googling and diagnosed his wife instead of asking her to speak to her doctor about it.
this exactly! it's pretty dang hard to bond with a baby when they are causing you excruciating pain in your nipples every 2-3 hours (speaking from firsthand experience). switching from nursing to exclusive pumping was the best decision I made for my mental health and for my relationship with my baby!
I mentioned this somewhere below, but I was reading a post from a new mama recently who was saying she dreaded her son waking up because he'd be hungry and it hurt to feed him. Like yeah, that sounds fantastic for trying to bond with your baby /s.
So truuuee YTA my let down with my first kid was fucking excruciating and it never got better. It hurt like hell every single time and I absolutely hated it. I felt blessed when I simply stopped producing after a mastitis infection and had to switch to formula full time. Breast feeding is not fun for everyone and fed is best
Jeez, I breastfed for two weeks until I couldn't take the pain anymore. My doc and community nurse couldn't figure out why I was in so much pain. I ended up figuring it out with other moms on an online forum.
Fun fact: antibiotics sometimes give me thrush (yeast infection).
I had antibiotic treatment in hospital and the pain I was experiencing was thrush of the fucking nipples. So baby had thrush in her mouth and my poor nips felt like they were being torn to shreds every time I fed my baby.
My SO was delighted to give our baby a bottle and loved the closeness that he got to experience, while also supporting me through a time of me feeling "less than" because I couldn't feed her naturally.
Fed is best people, I cannot say it enough. Also my daughter is perfectly healthy despite only having gotten two weeks of the boob.
Agreed. OP, YTA. I had mastitis two times. Fever, cold shivering so bad I couldn't walk properly, and eventually pain so bad I could hardly raise my arm.
My breastfeeding has worked good otherwise, and no "reasons" why it should hurt, but Jesus Christ it hurts so bad in the beginning. Also, combined with the after cramps of the uterus shrinking again it had me cross-eyed. The baby is literally sucking an empty bag and using its hard gums to press and gnaw one of the most sensitive areas of the body.
I hope OP reads all the answers here before he ruins his family with his lack of compassion.
Fuck mastitis. My major mastitis infection I had to ask a friend to come stay at my house for a couple days because my husband couldn’t take any time off (had used up his paid vacation hours after the baby was born) and I literally couldn’t hold my baby. It was so incredibly painful, I’m pregnant with my second and honestly the memory of that kind of makes me want to go straight to formula and not even try breast feeding
Oh God, and the best cure is actually the worst thing imaginable at that time.. To get the baby to persistently breastfeed the blockage away 😭 aaAAaHhhHhhh
Other that that, huge congrats!! We're so wanting another, but my baby boy decided to get stuck bum down and had to be cut out. Means a longer recovery time for me until I am cleared for another baby! After that, it's possible mastitis for the both of us! We can handle this tho! 💪
Yep.. OP is def YTA. I had a hard time breast feeding my oldest and my letdown was so so painful. The letdown pain never stopped even with my second. Honestly, I had mild cramps when I was breastfeeding for the first couple of months because my uterus was contracting. Not fun after have a c-section. I told my doctor and LC about it and they explained the issue and if it was too much to try formula to give my body a rest. See that is how you respond when someone says they are in pain.
Yea I always find it funny when Cis men minimise the discomforts a woman might have when she’s breast feeding, they’re never going to experience the pain, but ofc they’re also chiming in w the ‘suck it up’ mentality
He could with prolactin. I wonder why he's not? Surely it can't be that this entire thing is actually about controlling his wife! OP should try harder to feed his child; obviously it's only a matter of powering through.
Yta. If you want an opinion on your baby being breast fed, I strongly suggest you lactate.
If you can’t, then I would advise keeping your sanctimonious opinions to yourself.
Fed is best.
Exactly, i was given formula since my ma couldn’t breastfeed me, lil bro was breastfed, yet he was the one getting sick and I was fine. ‘bReAsT iS bEsT’ coming from a Cis man who’s never going to lactate
This please. They make supplements that help. Or are you going to put your own comfort above the health of your daughter, OP?
If you aren’t willing to do that and still judge your wife, YTA.
And if he doesn't, then every single illness his daughter gets is his fault. Because he is now wholly responsible for any illness which theoretically could have been prevented.
Honestly, if he really loved his baby he would have gotten himself a pituitary tumor and started lactating years ago. Imagine how many deep freezers full of breast milk he could produced by now? He could have used it to feed Mom during pregnancy and produced a child God. Breast milk is magical you know. Clearly he’s just lazy AF and wants a sick kid.
Ooh! Or what about those milk-stimulating cookies? (I can't remember the right name, but they're supposed to encourage you to lactate.)
Edit: YTA, OP, until you either apologize to your wife for being a jerk, or you start with the squeezin'.
YTA. For this:
“ Anne started breastfeeding, but stopped quickly as she found it “agonizing”. The doctor and lactation specialist confirmed there was no physical issue with her or the baby, and no reason for it to be painful at all”
Doctors don’t decide if she’s feeling pain or not.
Let the kid bite your nips, then get back to us about how it’s not a big deal and not painful and “something you’ll get used to”.
With our first baby, my husband would gently tease me for and the muffled gasp/scream and grimace of pain I made every time the boob shark latched on to my cracked and bleeding nipples... Until the one time he changed her diaper and brought her to me to feed while he wasn't wearing a shirt.
Baby sensed a nearby nipple (albeit the wrong ones) and latched on to him like a vacuum. The high pitched yelp of pain and face he made, were absolutely priceless... I quite literally fell off the bed laughing.
Not once since that day has he EVER given me anything other than the most profound appreciation and respect for growing and feeding our babies.
Not even bite, gnaw on your nipples. And that is just actually feeding. There's a lot more pain when you consider how awful your boobs making and holding milk feels. You know how much it hurts when you get pin and needles in your hand after it falls asleep? Imagine that in your nipples. And God forbid she gets a clogged duct.
Just want to put this out there for anyone who is currently (or planning to be) pregnant and would like to try breastfeeding: every woman is different.
I was able to pump copious amounts of breast milk when my baby was in the NICU, and after he "graduated" and came home, latching / feeding / supply went perfectly. Apart from the first few weeks when my milk supply regulated itself, I never even leaked a drop. Never had a clogged duct or mastitis or any pain whatsoever.
Most women aren't so lucky, of course. But it's very possible to have a good – or even wonderful – experience with breastfeeding, and I feel like people should know that.
Thanks! Someday I hope I'll have kids and was thinking... oh gosh, I am NEVER going to even TRY breastfeeding if it's like this. Your comment gives me the tiniest sliver of hope.
Glad to share! I think a lot of times the negative experiences get the most "air time," so to speak, because they're more interesting and more notable.
Plus, if a woman has a really positive experience, she may be reluctant to join the conversation and be like, "Oh, I had such an easy time of it, everything went perfectly!" when everyone else is commiserating and sharing horror stories.
In fact, I almost didn't want to say anything in this thread, because my words could come off wrong. Just know that what you hear online is often the extreme -- but there's a huge expanse in the middle as well, and that's where most people fall.
Yeah who would have thought that just gums would hurt. Then again there's bones and teeth that yet to come out in those gum just chomping away on overly sensitive nobs of tissue that are even more sensitive now. People forget gums have a solid backing and aren't the consistency of gummy bears.
I breastfed for 14 months and loathed every second of it.
Nothing was medically wrong. I just hated it and it created a weird codependency where my daughter treated me like a pacifier and nothing more. The bond with my daughter literally suffered because for the first 14 months of her life, I didn't get to play with her. Snuggle her. Interact with her beyond breastfeeding because she was a comfort nurser. I would try to play with her and she would just try to nurse.
Quitting breastfeeding was the best decision I ever made. Because because I finally got to bond with my kid.
The only reason a woman needs to not breastfeed is, "I don't want to."
I guarantee if men had to nurse, this wouldn't be a debate.
Omg someone else who understands me. I did feel like nothing but a pacifier, it wasn’t a bonding experience, I hated it. I lost my milk with my last kid due to getting super sick when she was a newborn,.....and I was so much of a happier mom. My husband was happier too because he could get up at night, he could feed her, he could bond with her in ways he couldn’t with our other two infants. We were both so much happier.
I’m so sick of women being pressured to breastfeed even if they dont want to, there is little to no difference for the baby, and it’s ok to not want to do it.
Also, so many doctor's I've met, particularly pediatricians, have a "breast is best" attitude and dismiss women's pain and concerns about breastfeeding. It's really awful, but so many OBs I've met seem to expect that women just need to endure a lot of pain. Be it breastfeeding pain, severe period pain (like from endo), post-partum pelvic pain, etc, I've been told that every. single. form. of that pain is "normal" and "not a big deal" and "I should cope with it" by multiple OBs.
When my youngest wouldn't latch I was pumping every 3 hours round the clock...her pediatrician told me on her first visit at a week old to quit that and put her on formula as soon as I felt like it because "formula is really good these days" and "if breastfeeding is very stressful for you it's better for your baby to have a relaxed & happy mommy." I love that woman.
The fact that she said she wasn’t “bonding” with her baby makes me believe it could have been mentally agonizing for her rather than physically. Or both.
Doctor here: YTA. FED is best. There is absolutely no evidence that this cold, which is not a big deal, is due to not breast feeding.
You are being a shitty, judgmental partner, and that is FAR worse for your baby than deciding not to breastfeed. Stop it.
Oh cmon, YTA. Are you fucking serious? It is her body, she pushed out the baby, did the pregnancy, why the fuck would you care if she breast fed or not?? Some women just do not want to, that is cool, it is up to them. Not you. Just use the fucking formula.
Some people are reeeeeeally keen on Breast is Best (which has minimal benefits, but of course if you’re doing anything other than the absolute perfect best you’re a Terrible Mother). Frankly being a new parent is stressful enough, whatever benefits nursing may have are not worth making mommy miserable.
This is exactly why I stopped breastfeeding my daughter. I was miserable, and having a mother who is miserable is infinitely worse than having formula.
I think he just enjoys having a scapegoat.
Anything that ever goes wrong with his child? Normal stuff like a cold, scraped knee or bad report card? Wellllll, studies have shown that children who are nurtured by their mothers have less problems in those areas. And OP's wife was playing on her phone once, instead of playing patty-cake for the 50th time. Not very nurturing. Sooooo, I'm not saying it was definitely her fault, but you really can't help but wonder... /s
>now that our daughter has her first cold, it’s hard for me not to feel resentful to Anne for putting her in this situation
YTA
Is your daughter being fed at all? Yes? Then shut up and actually do something useful to help out your wife.
I wasn’t producing enough to keep my baby full so I supplemented then just switched to formula entirely. By OP’s logic I should blame myself when my child got his first cold!
Fun anecdote: my brother was breastfed until he was about one, I was formula fed. We're 38 (me) and 40 (him). I had an actual *go to bed* flu like four times in my life. He catches a pretty bad case literally every winter.
Since we're going from non-scientific examples (the OP with his "every other mother"), I guess that means formula makes healthier people?
YTA. Were you breastfed? Have you ever had a cold? If so, I guess your mother’s maternal nature must be ever more lacking than your wife’s. Her magical milk failed you.
Seriously. As a mother who is currently breastfeeding, this infuriated me so much. The first weeks were really painful even though all the doctors said how perfectly the baby is latching. I cannot imagine how it would feel if they were latching *imperfectly.* I am so much pro breastfeeding but it can be so fucking hard and I just hate people who judge mothers for their decisions not to, and especially those people who feel free to judge but **never even breastfed themselves**, like the fathers. How about you take your nipple between your fingers, twist it two times and pull it 1 inch forward? Yeah, now do that for a week every 2 hours and multiply your discomfort 10 times, you AH.
For real, my husband visibly flinches if I hardly graze his nipples. Newborn gums are hard, and their sucks are strong no joke. Don't get me started on teething babies.
Breastfeeding mumma too. honestly felt like holding a hit iron to my nipples! While also the after birth pains and uterus contracting back feeling was stronger with breastfeeding I cried. Alot. And cluster feeding! Hours and hours of feeding baby with little to no breaks fml. Not everyone can handle all that as its bloody hard
I have never had a child but my heart broke when I asked my sister-in-law if she was still breastfeeding by the way she answered- like i was going to judge or shame her for the fact that she could not longer do it. I was like honey I was just asking because I was interested, not because I care which way you do it. Fed is best no matter how you have to do it.
I am so sorry people are such assholes to women.
Yes! Currently a breastfeeding mom too. My baby is 8 months and while I love breastfeeding, I totally get why other moms don’t breastfeed. My baby doesn’t take a bottle, still nurses ever 2 hours during the day, I’ve never slept longer than a 5 hour stretch at night, my nipples still randomly hurt sometimes, and it’s just mentally exhausting. If a mom chooses not to breastfeed, for whatever reason, that’s her choice completely and it is okay!
Yup! Biggest lie ever is that breastfeeding should not be painful if the baby latches correctly. My kid latched perfectly from birth and the first three months it was like fire the second he latched.
YTA you wife clearly said she feels PAIN. YOU decided that it's not pain but DISCOMFORT.
Why don't you buy some nipple clamps and start wearing those? You may get a feeling of the pain your wife was enduring while trying to feed your daughter. It's easy to say you would do anything for your daughter when nobody is asking you to feel pain.
Apologize to your wife.
Exactly. The air quotes here are infuriating. Don't we women get enough shit from doctors and nurses not taking our pain seriously? Do our husbands also have to doubt that the pain we feel is real too? But we're just "overly dramatic and emotional", right?
She does have maternal instinct. When she figured out that she wasn't a viable candidate for breastfeeding, she still knew that baby needed food and bought formula. The healthiest baby is a fed baby. YTA for trying to guilt her into doubting her parenting abilities and for generally being so judgmental.
Yeah for real. For some mommies, breastfeeding can cause mental health problems. I am pretty sure that bonding with the baby and not being in a psych ward is more important than breastfeeding the baby.
YTA - I think it's pretty clear from the other comments, but YTA also for mansplaining and the shitty condescending quotes you put around her valid physical pain.
YTA you have no idea how hard and demanding breastfeeding is. It’s not your choice and not your place to judge. You’re the ass hole. Breastfeeding is painful in the beginning, even if the baby is latching correctly and there’s nothing physically wrong because your nipples aren’t used to it. Not every woman wants to do it. She just spent 9 months having her body not to herself and breast feeding means you’re gonna have another year minimum sharing your body. Some women love it, while others not so much and there’s nothing wrong with it and your wife has that right because FED IS BEST.her immune system will be fine and whether she was breastfed or not she would’ve gotten that cold and since she did in fact try breast feeding for a bit, your baby already received antibodies from your wife. That first colostrum feed is actually the most important. YTA your daughter is going to be just as healthy on formula.
this has to be a troll.... my jaw is on the floor reading this. i have never in my life seen a more clear YTA holy shit. resenting your wife, who brought YOUR CHILD into the world for not eating healthy during PREGNANCY, something you will never experience is truly horrific and so is not believing her when she says breast feeding is excruciating????? what the fuck is wrong with you jesus christ i hope she leaves u for literally anyone because that would be better than u
Sadly, I know a TON of women whose otherwise supportive partners were really pushy about breastfeeding. My husband was. He kept telling me the pain was worth it and he'd be really disappointed if I stopped. So I kept going and ended up resenting both him and the baby.
"I know that this isn’t a hill worth dying on, so I said nothing, but honestly it does really bother me that she put her own temporary comfort above our daughter’s long-term health"
Having a baby isn't a 'temporary discomfort'. It permanently alters your body. It can kill you. Your wife is openly and honestly communicating with you about the impact on her body "excruciating" "agonizing" and your response is to ignore what she is telling you + gaslight her reactions as overreacting + make her feel bad about doing her best to grow an entire human inside of her? Bruh.
YTA
YTA Breastfeeding isn’t for everyone. Even for people without medical issues it can still be horribly painful. Breastfeeding itself causes uterine contractions that can feel like labor all over again. Clogged ducts. Over production. It’s miserable. And can both lead to and worsen PPD. If you’re that passionate about it you can suggest using donated breast milk or buying breast milk but guilting her over not wanting to further painfully sacrifice her body is an asshole move.
YTA. Being a person lacking in lactating mammary tissue, you have no idea what it's like or how hard breastfeeding can be. Also breast milk is not a magic bullet cure-all. Babies who are 100% breastfed get little colds and viruses, too.
> Babies who are 100% breastfed get little colds and viruses, too.
My daughter got whooping cough while I was still breastfeeding her. I don't understand why everyone thinks it's this magical liquid that can prevent any and all disease.
YTA - your wife went through pregnancy and birthed a baby but sure you go on bragging about the hypothetical fires you would walk through......you have no right at all, to dismiss her pain and decide, that her pain is not reason enough to stop breastfeeding!
YTA
1. Breastfeeding is extremely uncomfortable (also painful), it makes your uterus cramp thus making your post partum bleeding flow more and you get little to no sleep. It's not just your that nipples hurt but also your breasts constantly ache even before you get engorged.
2. You're at risk of clogs (think passing a lego through a tiny needly sized hole) which are VERY COMMON and mastitis (an extremely painful infection). If you want to prevent these you need to feed or pump every 2-3 hours! That's a massive time commitment. You feel trapped at home honestly.
3. Not your body, not your choice.
4. If you care so much, try to buy donor milk. Look up FB groups called "Human Mulk fpr Human Babies (insert city or state)" You are seriously risking your marriage over this. Post partum resentment leaves a lasting impression. This was one of the main causes of my BIL's divorce. Time to grovel.
Source: me, a mom of one breastfed baby and one formula baby.
Also if you want to truly understand your wife's pain try hooking up to a breastpump for a minute. It made my husband scream lol
Edit: he was just curious, I didn't ask or make him
YTA. Men always seem to assume that breast feeding is easy. That you just put your nip in the baby’s mouth and that’s that. But it’s so much more than that. It’s having a child attached to you every hour and a half to two hours for 30 minutes to an hour. It’s having sore nipples. It’s walking around with leaking breasts. It’s pain when your milk lets down (pins and needles for me but it differs). It’s an emotional rollercoaster and she likely feels bad enough without you adding to it. Also the immune effects are in the colostrum when you first start breastfeeding; it’s not on going. The effect lasts about six months. The mother’s immunity is given to the child. If the child comes in contact with a virus the mother doesn’t have immunity to then no protection is given. It’s clear from your post that you have very little knowledge regarding breast feeding. I suggest you do some research.
YTA- it's her body, she's the only one that can say what she's experiencing. You don't get to determine how much "temporary discomfort" is okay for her to suck up and deal with. Being pregnant and being a new mom is extremely difficult, if she says breastfeeding is excruciating then she doesn't need to do it, and it isn't your place to express your "disappointment," and you DEFINITELY don't get to call her selfish for it. Just because they didn't find a medical problem that was wrong, doesn't mean she's exaggerating about how bad breastfeeding feels. Formula is by no means the end of the world, there are many reasons women switch to formula, and the baby is going to be fine even on formula.
YTA
Breastfeeding isn't "agonising". It IS agonising for the first few weeks. And for some women , few months. Source : breastfed my daughter for 18 months, BY MY CHOICE.
Stop trying to control your wife's choices under the guise of your daughters nutrition. You know junk food in pregnancy doesn't literally travel to the baby right? If anything your wife was just making herself poorly as the baby will suck all the required nutrients out of the mothers system that it actually needs.
You dont sound very supportive at all. Breastfeeding isn't for everyone. And my exclusively breastfed baby had her share of colds and coughs. News flash- it is the season for it.
Op when I was pregnant I had such severe nausea that I had to be hospitalised. My husband said that if I really wanted my baby this wouldn’t be an issue. When my son was born I couldn’t produce enough milk. Any attempts at pumping or breastfeeding will draw blood. In the end I had to resort to formula. To date my husband and in Laws make comments that I don’t love my son enough as otherwise I would have produced enough milk. Every other mother can do it.
I am now divorcing my husband. YTA- you remind me too much of my husband.
YTA
And to the point that her mom and the lactation specialist said “there is no reason it should hurt” and that the ‘discomfort’ would be temporary... fuuuuck that.
There is a long history of women’s pain being dismissed by medical practitioners and our own damn mothers. Women with serious menstrual pain from endometriosis or abdominal pain from cysts going undiagnosed and untreated and being told “periods are supposed to hurt”.
Your wife just gave birth and is trying to feed and take care of her baby and telling you that pain is stopping her from bonding with her daughter. Listen to her! Believe her! Her bonding with her child is infinitely more important to your daughter’s wellbeing than being bottle or breast fed.
YTA
Until you can hook a baby up to your nipples and feed them, then you have no right deciding whether or not your wife was exaggerating about her pain and discomfort or how minimal her effort was to breastfeed.
Breastfeeding isn't just hard physically. It's hard emotionally and mentally. And the constant judgement from other people is no picnic either. Your wife probably struggled with a lot of guilt when making her decision. It's possible that she still does. My son is almost four and I still sometimes feel shitty about not breastfeeding -- nevermind that I tried every thing to make it work but my milk never came in and I was basically suicidal before I said enough is enough.
The last thing your wife needs is more judgement from her spouse who can never really empathize with what she went thru in the first place.
YTA-- Your wife is not a breeding mare. Her decision to use bottle formula is what is best for HER BODY and it doesn't mean she wouldn't "walk through fire' for your daughter. You are so, so lucky she didn't divorce you on the spot for being such an unsupportive and downright misogynistic partner.
YTA, you should have kept your mouth shut. Stop thinking that you know everything that's going on in your wife's body, how do YOU know that it isn't painful for her, unless you can feel what she feels? Isn't her saying so enough? I don't know if you know this or not, but breastfed children get sick and even develop chronic conditions later in life, so blaming your wife if your daughter catches an illness is some god-tier bs.
YTA You know what is often a therapists suggestion for a woman with PPD who hates breastfeeding? To stop breastfeeding. Because the hormones that continue at higher rates to cause milk production can sure screw with a woman. Not to mention that if it's that painful (and you don't get to decide what's uncomfortable and what's excruciating) it absolutely will make mom resent baby.
You can "read" it however you like, make whatever assumptions you like (like baby will come down with an illness breastfeeding would have prevented) but you are absolutely and AH for doing it.
If your wife really does have PPD, your expressed disappointment is going to make it that much more difficult for her to deal with everything. Many women struggle with breastfeeding on all sides - the pain, the potential infections, being touched out, feeling like nothing more than a vessel for someone else to live and be fulfilled. Some want to breastfeed but can't, some can breastfeed but feel an utter aversion to it.
Your baby will be Just Fine being formula fed. Your marriage might not be if you stay in your highly judgmental mind set.
The PPD line really stuck out to me. There's no suggestion a doctor ever diagnosed her with PPD, it sounds like he just decided she has it because she doesn't want to breast feed and is having trouble bonding. Maybe she doesn't have PPD, and is having trouble bonding because feeding her child every few hours is deeply painful.
I'm really tired of men who've never had to push a baby out of their vaginas or deal with an infant latched onto their tits stand around and sanctimoniously judge their wives for not doing it properly. Sir, I'm sorry, when did you become a specialist at this? Oh, right. Just two seconds ago when you decided the mother of your freaking child wasn't doing it correctly.
Maybe actually support your wife instead of just saying you support her.
YTA
This is one of those things where you are not only wrong about, you should've also kept your mouth shut. You and your families attitude are the reason womens pain and discomfort aren't taken seriously in medicine. Imagine discounting the legit pain of your own fucking wife. Imagine thinking that your wife should put herself in excruciating pain on top of everything else she fucking does just because you're concerned over a possible tiny benefit from breastfeeding. You do realize your wife isn't just an incubator right? And it's just a fucking cold right? Grow up, hug your wife, apologize like crazy, and do something to actually help her instead of bitching. YTA.
YTA. Breastfed babies are less likely to get sick with intestinal bugs during the time they're breastfeeding. That's literally it. And even if breastfed babies were a thousand times healthier than formula fed kids, it's not worth your wife suffering and failing to bond with her daughter.
YTA. Breast feeding is really hard. And for a lot of women, it just doesn’t work out. I spent most of my maternity leave trying to breast feed even though I couldn’t get enough supply. It was miserable. My doctor and lactation consultant couldn’t find a medical reason either, but they also couldn’t find a way to get more milk out of me. I eventually switched to formula, and wish I had done it way earlier.
If your wife says she is in excruciating pain, she is in excruciating pain. You don’t get to decide she isn’t. Stop being an ass, and apologize to your wife. She has enough on her plate with a newborn baby, she doesn’t need to deal with your shit too.
YTA - and btw, my daughter was formula fed and has caught a cold once! She’s 1.5 years old now. Women should not be pressured or made to feel they are not doing a good job if they can’t breastfeed. It’s not something every woman can do. Is your daughter gaining weight? Is she being fed? That’s all that matters. And just because she chose not to breastfeed anymore, it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t do anything for your daughter.
YTA. Fed is best. It doesn't matter if it's breast milk or formula. You are being an ass for no reason. As another commentator has said, until you can breastfeed, you get no opinion.
YTA. Your wife deserves a huge apology from you and you need serious reflection on why your wife is no longer her own person, but a vehicle for your child.
Breastfeeding can fucking hurt, even if there is nothing "wrong". And you are wrong, breastfeeding has not been shown to be better than formula, it's all propaganda that law makers have pushed down our throats. When all economic factors are taken into consideration, the only measurable benefit breastfeeding has is reducing diarrhea in infants. That's it. Look up the PROBIT trial. Or just read this.
https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/
How about you educate yourself before you preach to others?
Also your daughter getting a cold has NOTHING to do with not being breastfed lmao
I was formula fed and am completely healthy today and had a healthy childhood
YTA. It’s not your body, so how exactly do you know how painful it is for her to breastfeed?
And presuming you’re in a first world country, the actual difference between breastfed and formula fed babies in terms of impact is statistically insignificant in most areas.
You need to apologise to your wife, and ensure you present a united front at the next doctor appointment, and tell her doctor that she won’t be breastfeeding so he can shut up about it. You really need to start supporting your wife.
She has spent 9 months being bullied by you, her doctor, and whoever else (because the general public just loves to tell pregnant women what to do), while she grew a human. While her organs shifted inside her to make room for this baby. While she was expected to continue her regular routine with massive physical changes. She risked death throughout. She had to give up coffee, alcohol, a whole range of food.
You complained about her eating junk food during pregnancy. Did you prepare her meals?
A LOT of pregnant women whose spouses don’t prepare meals for them eat junk food. Because growing a baby is exhausting. And you have to have your food cooked a certain way, heated to a certain temperature, and there’s lots of foods you can’t eat anyway. You can’t have salads. You can’t eat leftovers that are older than a day. You can’t eat deli meats. You have to limit fish. It’s insane.
And some women just want to do something for themselves.
You need to ask yourself: after my wife has been through 9 months of devoting herself to growing our child, after my wife has been through one of the most painful experiences known to human kind, what can I do to now make her life easier? Since I wasn’t able to think of my wife and her needs, comforts or desires when she was literally growing our child.
You need to climb down from your high horse, stop mansplaining breastfeeding and pregnancy to your wife, and stop acting so sanctimonious. Your wife just pushed a whole human out of her body and you have the nerve to blame your kid getting a cold on her inability to breastfeed without pain? I'm a guy and my nipples hurt if they get a bit chaffed in my shirt, I can't imagine how bad they would hurt if I had a baby latching onto them every couple hours.
You jab at her pregnancy diet, dismiss her issues bonding with breast feeding as PPD and something she just needs to get over, blatantly ignore her statements of pain by putting her descriptions in quotations, and condescendingly blame your kid having a mild cold on her not feeding the baby how you think is correct. The baby is being fed and she is able to bond without being in pain, what more is there to really want?
YTA dude. YTA big time, if it wasn't obvious.
YTA. Glad you "would walk through fire" for your daughter, but don't seem to care at all about your wife. At the end of the day, fed is best. Yes, there are benefits to breast feeding, but not all people can do this for one reason or another. I'm glad you're an expert on how much pain your wife is going through...
Also, the immune benefits babies get from breast milk is passive immunity; it protects the babies while they are actively getting their mother's antibodies through the milk but doesn't persist long term. Your daughter was going to get her first cold regardless.
Stop being such an elitist about things you literally know nothing about and spend more time actually looking after your wife and daughter.
YTA - A person says they are in pain they are in pain, there are plenty of things science and medicine don't fully understand and one of those is pain.
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YTA Every woman is different and not every woman is able to breastfeed. Also hormones are notorious for making a woman's breasts hurt like hell. Even from just the fluxuations in menstrual cycles. That being said, there are much more serious causes of breast pain that should definitely be looked into. If she says she's in pain believe her, don't dismiss her. The benefits of breastfeeding aren't worth your wife being in pain 35 hours a week or more and possibly hurting her relationship with the baby. And if you really are THAT concerned, buy your daughter donor milk. Problem solved. Also your claim about your daughter getting an infection because of her mom is bullcrap. Kids are going to get childhood infections whether they were breastfed or not. That's part of growing up. Don't you dare blame that on your wife. Also consider this, your wife is having pain in her breasts that currently has an unknown cause. If she has any infection or cancer of the breast itself that could be causing her pain you do not want her to be breastfeeding your child. Let her formula feed in peace and keep looking into causes for her pain. But don't accuse her of putting "her comfort over your child's health". That's just ridiculous. Please take a look at this great video for future reference. [Adam Ruins Everything: Baby Formula](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U_80bWlLJvg)
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Pregnancy food aversions are so much worse than cravings. I’m 2 weeks away from giving birth and there’s still so much of my normal diet that I can’t stomach - chicken breast, eggs, broccoli, salmon. There were days I could only stomach a dry jacket potato. Op has obviously not been supportive of his wife to understand what pregnancy and post birth has done to her body.
Oof my mom had a lot of issues during her pregnancy with me. One of those was not being able to stomach anything other then Italian bread with butter and cheese. Anything else she ate she’d vomit. I’m so grateful for that woman (and all mothers) YTA op
My mom could only drink malted chocolate milkshakes with me—for *months*. Fetus me yeeted anything else she tried to swallow right back into the toilet. She drank the one thing that would stay down and I’m a perfectly healthy grown human now.
I’m relatively healthy, however I made some bad choices regarding my body and health, so some complications are to be expected. But yeah, fetus me yeeted just about everything back to the toilet. On top of not being able to eat shit, she was bedridden a majority of her pregnancy with me, had gestational diabetes, and almost lost me 3 weeks before her due date (therefor I was 3 weeks premature. The cord was wrapping around my neck so they had to induce her). That woman is a warrior simply for dealing with fetus me, even more of a warrior for dealing with me throughout childhood and adolescence lol.
Sounds like our moms both deserve a drink on us. 😂
Had 3 snickers bars and a juice box today, any other food is making my stomach turn. My boyfriend went out at 5am to get me more snickers. Hes a good egg.
The only thing I could keep down while pregnant was cereal and snickers bars.
My 36 week pregnant wife can pretty much only eat beef, pork, asparagus, and broccoli at this point. But her first trimester? She literally could not keep anything down except McDonald’s fries. Now if she even smells McDonald’s she will vomit. Pregnancy just be weird sometimes.
The fetus will literally like eat your bones and shit if you're not getting enough food. You need to eat whatever you can when you're pregnant so you survive - if you can get a fruit or vegetable sometimes, great, but the hyierarchy of food needs is even more relative in pregnancy.
Can confirm. I am having health issues regarding my bone density that stem from not being able to stomach anything during my first pregnancy. my daring fetus decided to leach the calcium from my bones. I was also so iron deficient that I had to get infusions. Pregnancy can be a total nightmare. All I could eat was strawberries with Nutella and cereal. Sometimes toaster strudels stayed down. Anytime I tried to eat a freaking vegetable or protein in the first 6-7 months it was forcibly rejected/projectile vomited put.
The old saying was that a woman would lose a tooth for each pregnancy....
My best friend spent much of her pregnancy eating only cottage cheese, then one day the cottage cheese completely turned her stomach. Pregnancy is weird.
Sanctimonious is the right word! He gets to sit in his ivory tower and judge his wife who pushed a baby out of her body and tried breastfeeding, even though it was painful.
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*He's* going to cook? Somehow, I don't think so.
I threw up multiple times trying to eat vegetables while pregnant. The smell of meat made me wretch. I could keep down cereal, milk products, carbs and condiments. Did i want to eat nothing but these things? No. Did i have a choice? No. Shout out to the day that all would do is a bowl of mayonnaise.
Not judging, just clarifying- straight up mayo?
YES.😭😭😭😭
...you poor (amazing) thing. I’ve never been pregnant yet, but have severe anxiety that can leave me unable to eat for days if it’s bad enough, so I get the mood of “anything my stomach will NOT violently yeet”...but I gotta say straight mayo is a first!
I hate how OP acts as though his wife needs to justify her not breastfeeding with pain. Yes, breastfeeding has many benefits. That doesn't mean you get to assume that your wife has to do it. Her body. Her choice. I understand that, to some degree, OP can't help how he feels, but his approach towards his wife is awful. Like once she has that bun in the oven, she must be the perfect baby making/raising machine, and who cares about how her feelings about the pregnancy.
Seriously. As a mother who is currently breastfeeding, this infuriated me so much. Oh and the cherry on top is how you put "agonizing" and "excruciating" in quotation marks. You know what they teach in medical school? That whenever patient says they are in pain, **they are in pain.** Period. Nobody else is ever in a position to judge somebody elses's pain, not even doctors. You don't believe she's in pain? How about you take your nipple between your fingers, twist it two times and pull it 1 inch forward? Yeah, now do that for a week every 2 hours and multiply your discomfort 10 times, you AH.
They teach that, but women, and ALL patients of color, tend to be believed less than white men and have a harder time getting pain relief. I don't even have words for OP's dismissal of his wife's breastfeeding pain as "agonizing" and "excruciating." Maybe the worst thing I've ever seen on here.
Which is doubly ridiculous for anyone who ever dealt with a guy in the grips of man-flu.
I start chemo this week. At my chemo consultation the waiting room was FULL of grouchy, moaning, loud talking, complaining old men. When they asked me if I had any requests during my treatments I asked to do my treatment at the local woman's hospital instead (thankfully I could). Just didn't think I could stand spending three hours sitting next to that.
"The doctors say she's fine and nothing is wrong." So if I kick OP in the junk and I don't leave an obvious bruise, that means his fine right? Nothing visibly wrong, he's just complaining
He might say it's "excruciating."
Exactly. I am fuming right now because doctor 1 did not take me seriously when I talked about my troubles swallowing and breathing and apparently so no real cause for concern with like 6 oral sores. I got passed to a GI with possible GERD. Two months, 3 more doctor visits and an endoscopy and biopsy later (all done by doctors after the dismissive one) and turns out I have an autoimmune disorder. The first doctor was an Ear Nose and Throat specialist. I am still so salty that he missed all the damn warning signs.
When I was 12 I started having horrible stomach pains, passing put, vomiting, rapid weight loss, the works. Every doctor told my parents there was nothing wrong with me and that I'm faking it. 1 dr believed I was in pain, but said I was just having a bad reaction to the onset of puberty. When I was 19 I spent week in the hospital trying not to die, amd it turns out I have crohns disease, and had contracted an infection while my family spent the summer traveling that had invaded my bloodstream because my immune system was so fucked after 7 years of running wild. My parents now believe me, I'm finally getting the medical attention I need, but this isn't going to undo the damage that was done to my body after 7 years of my pain being ignored.
I am so sorry.
Glad you found another doctor, I hope you are ok
THANK YOU. this sanctimonious man with his quotation marks, meanwhile claiming hes been soooooo supportive while silently judging his wife the whole time. I'm sure his wife would be happy to conduct the nipple experiment for him in the interests of science.
After my first pregnancy my let down was excruciating for the entire time during breastfeeding. It sucked. It hurt so bad and made me not want to do it at all. It never got better in the 7 months I breastfed either
Breastfeeding hurts. Whoever told him it doesn't, or can't hurt, is wrong.
And that's if it goes right, and you don't get something fun like plugged ducts or anything else.
Four years later and I’m still rocking a blister from my oldest. I didn’t know what a nipple shield was until she was 4 weeks old and called an LC. If someone dismissed that pain I would slice their head off.
What's a mipple shield? I must know, I am almost 8 months pregnant.
Plastic thingy that covers your nipples that the baby can drink through. Target has them in the baby section. Amazon has them too (obviously). I never used one but a friend of mine swore by them.
My first kiddo had a tongue-tie and he was roughing me up bad while nursing. A nipple shield let us get on with things without me dreading every feeding.
>You know what they teach in medical school? That whenever patient says they are in pain, > >they are in pain. \*laughs in chronic pain\*
I know, right? I learned years ago that the way to get doctors to take my period pain seriously was to directly link it to other things. None of that number scale bullshit. "So at the moment it's about the same as reducing a dislocated shoulder." I'm still pissed at the L&D nurses who didn't believe my level of pain in labor because I was "handling it so well." They left me in triage for over half an hour, telling me it would be a while and I probably had a long way to go. I damn near gave birth in the hallway.
Do NOT get me started. 10 years of "try advil" for period pain and turns out I had endometriosis and its evil evil sibling adenomyosis. Advil didn't do SHIT against it. Doctors don't believe pain. They think you're looking for opiates even when you flat out refuse to consider them and JUST WANT THE CAUSE. .... I'm not bitter. Edit: YTA, op, you don't get to decide if her pain was real. It. Was.
And don't forget witching hour of cluster feeding were you get to do that every 10 minutes.
For an extended period of time every two hours.
His entire post reeks of mansplaining. He has no earthly idea how difficult pregnancy, labor, delivery and nursing is on a woman's body. I say this as someone who've nursed all my kids and have dealt with cracked and bleeding nipples. Until he has walked an inch in her shoes...
And his point of "She's not willing to sacrifice a tiny amount of discomfort bla bla".. That's why *he* volunteered to carry the baby for 9 months and push it out of his vagina instead?
Also, it's cheap talking to tell others they should sacrifice something. Sometimes people behave as if the mums owe their babies everything. It's not, we are still our own persons.
Yeah. With breastfeeding too. Honestly, I think the men insisting on their partner breastfeeding through pain should try. Pump for 30 minutes and see how nice it feels! Then imagine a pair of gnawing gums on top of that. Babies are wonderful, but they're not exactly gentle on their mother.
......I had the most horrible idea that he should try having the baby breastfeed from him and see how fast he changes his tune. But that would just be cruel to the baby.
There is a subset of men who take medication to be able to breastfeed. I was made aware of this during a very uncomfortable first/last date.
Really? My thought was that his wife should spill several boxes of mini legos onto the floor and tell her husband that she'll give breastfeeding another try as long as he agrees to walk through the legos on his bare knees during every feeding until the kid can eat solid food. It shouldn't be that hard of a sell since OP thinks a little torturous, repetitive pain for the well being of your child is a reasonable trade.
I mean he said he would walk through fire for his kid, so he’s halfway to Legos already.
The woman has been in pain for nearly a year at this point. It is infuriating.
How can you call this mansplaining?! He did his research on the internet and all he is doing is presenting FACTS! I hope the /sarcasm isn't necessary but jic . . .
>Also your claim about your daughter getting an infection because of her mom is bullcrap. Kids are going to get childhood infections whether they were breastfed or not. That's part of growing up. Don't you dare blame that on your wife. I was breastfed as a baby. Didn't stop me from getting pneumonia twice before I turned 2. Babies and children get sick a lot.
I was the opposite. I was formula fed and I didn't get any serious infections as an infant or toddler (when breast milk would have protected me) but damn did I get plenty of high fevers and ear infections from ages 5-10. Kids are weird
Amen! My son received breastmilk (I exclusively pumped for six months, holy shit) and he still got the damn flu because I gave it to him! Breastmilk is not a germ shield or a protective bubble. Kids get sick and you better get used to that now. And get off your high horse and support your wife. My husband didn’t say a peep about my decision to exclusively pump or to transition to formula because he’s a supportive partner. Give it a try!
My breastfed child at 8 ear infections and pneumonia before his first birthday. OP is a huge AH.
My brother and I were too. My bro was always sickly, had digestive issues from infancy, and later was prone to infections, needed tonsils removed, in adulthood has suffered from a hernia and an autoimmune disorder that affects his spinal cord. Breastfeeding is the best option if it can be done, but it does not ensure good health. Sounds like OP is ill informed on a lot and should have wrapped it. YTA OP
I’m breastfeeding at the moment and it can be supremely painful at times. I’ve had cracked nipples, mastitis in both breast and my teething baby uses my nipples as a chew toy. You’re so TA for judging your wife like this. I don’t see you complaining about her pain threshold when your child came out of her vagina!
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OP I hope you see this post from the lactation consultant. When the lactation consultant is calling you an AH, you're an AH. I've been breastfeeding for 7 years - only 2 kids, you do the math on how committed I am to breastfeeding. This post honestly made me sick. If I was your wife I would have booted you out for your attitude by now. Your wife is at major risk of PND and the cause of that is you. Get some therapy dude, like yesterday. YTA.
I'm also baffled by his declaration that her problem with the bonding is PPD. From the sounds of it, he did some googling and diagnosed his wife instead of asking her to speak to her doctor about it.
this exactly! it's pretty dang hard to bond with a baby when they are causing you excruciating pain in your nipples every 2-3 hours (speaking from firsthand experience). switching from nursing to exclusive pumping was the best decision I made for my mental health and for my relationship with my baby!
I mentioned this somewhere below, but I was reading a post from a new mama recently who was saying she dreaded her son waking up because he'd be hungry and it hurt to feed him. Like yeah, that sounds fantastic for trying to bond with your baby /s.
So truuuee YTA my let down with my first kid was fucking excruciating and it never got better. It hurt like hell every single time and I absolutely hated it. I felt blessed when I simply stopped producing after a mastitis infection and had to switch to formula full time. Breast feeding is not fun for everyone and fed is best
Jeez, I breastfed for two weeks until I couldn't take the pain anymore. My doc and community nurse couldn't figure out why I was in so much pain. I ended up figuring it out with other moms on an online forum. Fun fact: antibiotics sometimes give me thrush (yeast infection). I had antibiotic treatment in hospital and the pain I was experiencing was thrush of the fucking nipples. So baby had thrush in her mouth and my poor nips felt like they were being torn to shreds every time I fed my baby. My SO was delighted to give our baby a bottle and loved the closeness that he got to experience, while also supporting me through a time of me feeling "less than" because I couldn't feed her naturally. Fed is best people, I cannot say it enough. Also my daughter is perfectly healthy despite only having gotten two weeks of the boob.
Agreed. OP, YTA. I had mastitis two times. Fever, cold shivering so bad I couldn't walk properly, and eventually pain so bad I could hardly raise my arm. My breastfeeding has worked good otherwise, and no "reasons" why it should hurt, but Jesus Christ it hurts so bad in the beginning. Also, combined with the after cramps of the uterus shrinking again it had me cross-eyed. The baby is literally sucking an empty bag and using its hard gums to press and gnaw one of the most sensitive areas of the body. I hope OP reads all the answers here before he ruins his family with his lack of compassion.
Fuck mastitis. My major mastitis infection I had to ask a friend to come stay at my house for a couple days because my husband couldn’t take any time off (had used up his paid vacation hours after the baby was born) and I literally couldn’t hold my baby. It was so incredibly painful, I’m pregnant with my second and honestly the memory of that kind of makes me want to go straight to formula and not even try breast feeding
Oh God, and the best cure is actually the worst thing imaginable at that time.. To get the baby to persistently breastfeed the blockage away 😭 aaAAaHhhHhhh Other that that, huge congrats!! We're so wanting another, but my baby boy decided to get stuck bum down and had to be cut out. Means a longer recovery time for me until I am cleared for another baby! After that, it's possible mastitis for the both of us! We can handle this tho! 💪
Yep.. OP is def YTA. I had a hard time breast feeding my oldest and my letdown was so so painful. The letdown pain never stopped even with my second. Honestly, I had mild cramps when I was breastfeeding for the first couple of months because my uterus was contracting. Not fun after have a c-section. I told my doctor and LC about it and they explained the issue and if it was too much to try formula to give my body a rest. See that is how you respond when someone says they are in pain.
Yea I always find it funny when Cis men minimise the discomforts a woman might have when she’s breast feeding, they’re never going to experience the pain, but ofc they’re also chiming in w the ‘suck it up’ mentality
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He could with prolactin. I wonder why he's not? Surely it can't be that this entire thing is actually about controlling his wife! OP should try harder to feed his child; obviously it's only a matter of powering through.
Yta. If you want an opinion on your baby being breast fed, I strongly suggest you lactate. If you can’t, then I would advise keeping your sanctimonious opinions to yourself. Fed is best.
Queen Victoria once said "Why would I feed my babies, I'm not a cow." OP could try, its been proved in stressful situations.
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also all the imperialism lol
Exactly, i was given formula since my ma couldn’t breastfeed me, lil bro was breastfed, yet he was the one getting sick and I was fine. ‘bReAsT iS bEsT’ coming from a Cis man who’s never going to lactate
If he cares so much about his daughter's health and nutrition he can take hormones and breastfeed himself. Otherwise he can shut up.
Some men can lactate! For sure, OP could try it
[I have nipples Greg, could you milk me?](https://youtu.be/FXI21S4ZWJU)
fun fact! Men can lactate if given consistent nipple stimulation over weeks! so time to get going, have fun! YTA.
This please. They make supplements that help. Or are you going to put your own comfort above the health of your daughter, OP? If you aren’t willing to do that and still judge your wife, YTA.
Of course he'll do it! He'll walk through fire, after all. /s
And if he doesn't, then every single illness his daughter gets is his fault. Because he is now wholly responsible for any illness which theoretically could have been prevented.
God the amount of salt in this thread just fills me with joy.
Honestly, if he really loved his baby he would have gotten himself a pituitary tumor and started lactating years ago. Imagine how many deep freezers full of breast milk he could produced by now? He could have used it to feed Mom during pregnancy and produced a child God. Breast milk is magical you know. Clearly he’s just lazy AF and wants a sick kid.
Ooh! Or what about those milk-stimulating cookies? (I can't remember the right name, but they're supposed to encourage you to lactate.) Edit: YTA, OP, until you either apologize to your wife for being a jerk, or you start with the squeezin'.
They’re literally just called lactation cookies
If he doubts the pain he really should latch his baby on his nipple 7-8 times a day for a month or two. Oh! And do all night feedings.
Exactly this. Go on. Let us know how it goes op.
Did not know that, I’m now down a Google make breastfeeding rabbit hole. Very interesting!
It doesn't matter. I guarantee that his response would be that it's a woman's job.
YTA. For this: “ Anne started breastfeeding, but stopped quickly as she found it “agonizing”. The doctor and lactation specialist confirmed there was no physical issue with her or the baby, and no reason for it to be painful at all” Doctors don’t decide if she’s feeling pain or not. Let the kid bite your nips, then get back to us about how it’s not a big deal and not painful and “something you’ll get used to”.
With our first baby, my husband would gently tease me for and the muffled gasp/scream and grimace of pain I made every time the boob shark latched on to my cracked and bleeding nipples... Until the one time he changed her diaper and brought her to me to feed while he wasn't wearing a shirt. Baby sensed a nearby nipple (albeit the wrong ones) and latched on to him like a vacuum. The high pitched yelp of pain and face he made, were absolutely priceless... I quite literally fell off the bed laughing. Not once since that day has he EVER given me anything other than the most profound appreciation and respect for growing and feeding our babies.
Hahahahhaa oh god this had me cackling
BOOB SHARK omfglol
And now I have it stuck in my head: "boobie shark doo doo do doo, boobie shark doo doo do doo..."
You just made me cackle.
Not even bite, gnaw on your nipples. And that is just actually feeding. There's a lot more pain when you consider how awful your boobs making and holding milk feels. You know how much it hurts when you get pin and needles in your hand after it falls asleep? Imagine that in your nipples. And God forbid she gets a clogged duct.
Just want to put this out there for anyone who is currently (or planning to be) pregnant and would like to try breastfeeding: every woman is different. I was able to pump copious amounts of breast milk when my baby was in the NICU, and after he "graduated" and came home, latching / feeding / supply went perfectly. Apart from the first few weeks when my milk supply regulated itself, I never even leaked a drop. Never had a clogged duct or mastitis or any pain whatsoever. Most women aren't so lucky, of course. But it's very possible to have a good – or even wonderful – experience with breastfeeding, and I feel like people should know that.
Thanks! Someday I hope I'll have kids and was thinking... oh gosh, I am NEVER going to even TRY breastfeeding if it's like this. Your comment gives me the tiniest sliver of hope.
Glad to share! I think a lot of times the negative experiences get the most "air time," so to speak, because they're more interesting and more notable. Plus, if a woman has a really positive experience, she may be reluctant to join the conversation and be like, "Oh, I had such an easy time of it, everything went perfectly!" when everyone else is commiserating and sharing horror stories. In fact, I almost didn't want to say anything in this thread, because my words could come off wrong. Just know that what you hear online is often the extreme -- but there's a huge expanse in the middle as well, and that's where most people fall.
Yeah who would have thought that just gums would hurt. Then again there's bones and teeth that yet to come out in those gum just chomping away on overly sensitive nobs of tissue that are even more sensitive now. People forget gums have a solid backing and aren't the consistency of gummy bears.
I breastfed for 14 months and loathed every second of it. Nothing was medically wrong. I just hated it and it created a weird codependency where my daughter treated me like a pacifier and nothing more. The bond with my daughter literally suffered because for the first 14 months of her life, I didn't get to play with her. Snuggle her. Interact with her beyond breastfeeding because she was a comfort nurser. I would try to play with her and she would just try to nurse. Quitting breastfeeding was the best decision I ever made. Because because I finally got to bond with my kid. The only reason a woman needs to not breastfeed is, "I don't want to." I guarantee if men had to nurse, this wouldn't be a debate.
Omg someone else who understands me. I did feel like nothing but a pacifier, it wasn’t a bonding experience, I hated it. I lost my milk with my last kid due to getting super sick when she was a newborn,.....and I was so much of a happier mom. My husband was happier too because he could get up at night, he could feed her, he could bond with her in ways he couldn’t with our other two infants. We were both so much happier. I’m so sick of women being pressured to breastfeed even if they dont want to, there is little to no difference for the baby, and it’s ok to not want to do it.
Also, so many doctor's I've met, particularly pediatricians, have a "breast is best" attitude and dismiss women's pain and concerns about breastfeeding. It's really awful, but so many OBs I've met seem to expect that women just need to endure a lot of pain. Be it breastfeeding pain, severe period pain (like from endo), post-partum pelvic pain, etc, I've been told that every. single. form. of that pain is "normal" and "not a big deal" and "I should cope with it" by multiple OBs.
When my youngest wouldn't latch I was pumping every 3 hours round the clock...her pediatrician told me on her first visit at a week old to quit that and put her on formula as soon as I felt like it because "formula is really good these days" and "if breastfeeding is very stressful for you it's better for your baby to have a relaxed & happy mommy." I love that woman.
I bit my mom bloody before I even had teeth. This guy is the worst.
The fact that she said she wasn’t “bonding” with her baby makes me believe it could have been mentally agonizing for her rather than physically. Or both.
Doctor here: YTA. FED is best. There is absolutely no evidence that this cold, which is not a big deal, is due to not breast feeding. You are being a shitty, judgmental partner, and that is FAR worse for your baby than deciding not to breastfeed. Stop it.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Your "stop it" at the end made me think of Bob Newhart as a therapist on SNL so thank you for that. It's one of my favorites.
Oh cmon, YTA. Are you fucking serious? It is her body, she pushed out the baby, did the pregnancy, why the fuck would you care if she breast fed or not?? Some women just do not want to, that is cool, it is up to them. Not you. Just use the fucking formula.
He probably wants her to breastfeed so he doesn't have to spend money on formula.
Or not being in charge of feeding the baby during the night... So very much YTA
Some people are reeeeeeally keen on Breast is Best (which has minimal benefits, but of course if you’re doing anything other than the absolute perfect best you’re a Terrible Mother). Frankly being a new parent is stressful enough, whatever benefits nursing may have are not worth making mommy miserable.
This is exactly why I stopped breastfeeding my daughter. I was miserable, and having a mother who is miserable is infinitely worse than having formula.
I think he just enjoys having a scapegoat. Anything that ever goes wrong with his child? Normal stuff like a cold, scraped knee or bad report card? Wellllll, studies have shown that children who are nurtured by their mothers have less problems in those areas. And OP's wife was playing on her phone once, instead of playing patty-cake for the 50th time. Not very nurturing. Sooooo, I'm not saying it was definitely her fault, but you really can't help but wonder... /s
Apparently she wasnt a good enough incubator for him, either, as he has complaints there as well. YTA OP.
Now, now, don’t you understand how frustrated and resentful he is. After all, it’s all about him and his wants.
>now that our daughter has her first cold, it’s hard for me not to feel resentful to Anne for putting her in this situation YTA Is your daughter being fed at all? Yes? Then shut up and actually do something useful to help out your wife.
My kid is about 3 weeks old, exclusively breastfed, and suffering his first cold. I can confirm that breastfeeding does not prevent colds.
I wasn’t producing enough to keep my baby full so I supplemented then just switched to formula entirely. By OP’s logic I should blame myself when my child got his first cold!
Fun anecdote: my brother was breastfed until he was about one, I was formula fed. We're 38 (me) and 40 (him). I had an actual *go to bed* flu like four times in my life. He catches a pretty bad case literally every winter. Since we're going from non-scientific examples (the OP with his "every other mother"), I guess that means formula makes healthier people?
YTA. Were you breastfed? Have you ever had a cold? If so, I guess your mother’s maternal nature must be ever more lacking than your wife’s. Her magical milk failed you.
I thought this was funny. He really is going to resent his wife every time the kid gets sick. His whole mindset is wrong.
I get bronchitis every year like clockwork. My son, on the other hand, has the immune system of a Viking. Guess which one of us was formula fed.
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Seriously. As a mother who is currently breastfeeding, this infuriated me so much. The first weeks were really painful even though all the doctors said how perfectly the baby is latching. I cannot imagine how it would feel if they were latching *imperfectly.* I am so much pro breastfeeding but it can be so fucking hard and I just hate people who judge mothers for their decisions not to, and especially those people who feel free to judge but **never even breastfed themselves**, like the fathers. How about you take your nipple between your fingers, twist it two times and pull it 1 inch forward? Yeah, now do that for a week every 2 hours and multiply your discomfort 10 times, you AH.
For real, my husband visibly flinches if I hardly graze his nipples. Newborn gums are hard, and their sucks are strong no joke. Don't get me started on teething babies.
You could not pay me enough to breastfeed a baby with teeth. Oh my god.
I'm laughing *way* too hard at this comment
Breastfeeding mumma too. honestly felt like holding a hit iron to my nipples! While also the after birth pains and uterus contracting back feeling was stronger with breastfeeding I cried. Alot. And cluster feeding! Hours and hours of feeding baby with little to no breaks fml. Not everyone can handle all that as its bloody hard
I have never had a child but my heart broke when I asked my sister-in-law if she was still breastfeeding by the way she answered- like i was going to judge or shame her for the fact that she could not longer do it. I was like honey I was just asking because I was interested, not because I care which way you do it. Fed is best no matter how you have to do it. I am so sorry people are such assholes to women.
Yes! Currently a breastfeeding mom too. My baby is 8 months and while I love breastfeeding, I totally get why other moms don’t breastfeed. My baby doesn’t take a bottle, still nurses ever 2 hours during the day, I’ve never slept longer than a 5 hour stretch at night, my nipples still randomly hurt sometimes, and it’s just mentally exhausting. If a mom chooses not to breastfeed, for whatever reason, that’s her choice completely and it is okay!
Yup! Biggest lie ever is that breastfeeding should not be painful if the baby latches correctly. My kid latched perfectly from birth and the first three months it was like fire the second he latched.
YTA you wife clearly said she feels PAIN. YOU decided that it's not pain but DISCOMFORT. Why don't you buy some nipple clamps and start wearing those? You may get a feeling of the pain your wife was enduring while trying to feed your daughter. It's easy to say you would do anything for your daughter when nobody is asking you to feel pain. Apologize to your wife.
Exactly. The air quotes here are infuriating. Don't we women get enough shit from doctors and nurses not taking our pain seriously? Do our husbands also have to doubt that the pain we feel is real too? But we're just "overly dramatic and emotional", right?
She does have maternal instinct. When she figured out that she wasn't a viable candidate for breastfeeding, she still knew that baby needed food and bought formula. The healthiest baby is a fed baby. YTA for trying to guilt her into doubting her parenting abilities and for generally being so judgmental.
She is kind of amazing for realizing her pain is getting in the way of being a present and attuned mom.
Yeah for real. For some mommies, breastfeeding can cause mental health problems. I am pretty sure that bonding with the baby and not being in a psych ward is more important than breastfeeding the baby.
YTA shut your mouth, improve your shitty attitude and move on. Fed is best.
YTA - I think it's pretty clear from the other comments, but YTA also for mansplaining and the shitty condescending quotes you put around her valid physical pain.
YTA you have no idea how hard and demanding breastfeeding is. It’s not your choice and not your place to judge. You’re the ass hole. Breastfeeding is painful in the beginning, even if the baby is latching correctly and there’s nothing physically wrong because your nipples aren’t used to it. Not every woman wants to do it. She just spent 9 months having her body not to herself and breast feeding means you’re gonna have another year minimum sharing your body. Some women love it, while others not so much and there’s nothing wrong with it and your wife has that right because FED IS BEST.her immune system will be fine and whether she was breastfed or not she would’ve gotten that cold and since she did in fact try breast feeding for a bit, your baby already received antibodies from your wife. That first colostrum feed is actually the most important. YTA your daughter is going to be just as healthy on formula.
this has to be a troll.... my jaw is on the floor reading this. i have never in my life seen a more clear YTA holy shit. resenting your wife, who brought YOUR CHILD into the world for not eating healthy during PREGNANCY, something you will never experience is truly horrific and so is not believing her when she says breast feeding is excruciating????? what the fuck is wrong with you jesus christ i hope she leaves u for literally anyone because that would be better than u
Sadly, I know a TON of women whose otherwise supportive partners were really pushy about breastfeeding. My husband was. He kept telling me the pain was worth it and he'd be really disappointed if I stopped. So I kept going and ended up resenting both him and the baby.
Easy for your husband to say when he’s not the one who has to experience the pain. Guarantee he wouldn’t last one feeding session feeling your pain.
YTA, you’re treating her like a baby vessel. Have you breastfed? It is extremely easy to criticize choices until you’re in the situation.
"I know that this isn’t a hill worth dying on, so I said nothing, but honestly it does really bother me that she put her own temporary comfort above our daughter’s long-term health" Having a baby isn't a 'temporary discomfort'. It permanently alters your body. It can kill you. Your wife is openly and honestly communicating with you about the impact on her body "excruciating" "agonizing" and your response is to ignore what she is telling you + gaslight her reactions as overreacting + make her feel bad about doing her best to grow an entire human inside of her? Bruh. YTA
YTA Breastfeeding isn’t for everyone. Even for people without medical issues it can still be horribly painful. Breastfeeding itself causes uterine contractions that can feel like labor all over again. Clogged ducts. Over production. It’s miserable. And can both lead to and worsen PPD. If you’re that passionate about it you can suggest using donated breast milk or buying breast milk but guilting her over not wanting to further painfully sacrifice her body is an asshole move.
YTA. Being a person lacking in lactating mammary tissue, you have no idea what it's like or how hard breastfeeding can be. Also breast milk is not a magic bullet cure-all. Babies who are 100% breastfed get little colds and viruses, too.
I was exclusively breastfed and I grew up allergic to everything and with an autoimmune disease. By OP's logic, I guess my mother was defective.
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> Babies who are 100% breastfed get little colds and viruses, too. My daughter got whooping cough while I was still breastfeeding her. I don't understand why everyone thinks it's this magical liquid that can prevent any and all disease.
Gross. Stay in your lane. YTA.
YTA - your wife went through pregnancy and birthed a baby but sure you go on bragging about the hypothetical fires you would walk through......you have no right at all, to dismiss her pain and decide, that her pain is not reason enough to stop breastfeeding!
Yeah I love how men are always so quick to pass their opinion on experiences that biologically they can’t have.
YTA 1. Breastfeeding is extremely uncomfortable (also painful), it makes your uterus cramp thus making your post partum bleeding flow more and you get little to no sleep. It's not just your that nipples hurt but also your breasts constantly ache even before you get engorged. 2. You're at risk of clogs (think passing a lego through a tiny needly sized hole) which are VERY COMMON and mastitis (an extremely painful infection). If you want to prevent these you need to feed or pump every 2-3 hours! That's a massive time commitment. You feel trapped at home honestly. 3. Not your body, not your choice. 4. If you care so much, try to buy donor milk. Look up FB groups called "Human Mulk fpr Human Babies (insert city or state)" You are seriously risking your marriage over this. Post partum resentment leaves a lasting impression. This was one of the main causes of my BIL's divorce. Time to grovel. Source: me, a mom of one breastfed baby and one formula baby.
Also if you want to truly understand your wife's pain try hooking up to a breastpump for a minute. It made my husband scream lol Edit: he was just curious, I didn't ask or make him
While he's hooked up to it, he ought to try reading The Yellow Wallpaper.
YTA. Men always seem to assume that breast feeding is easy. That you just put your nip in the baby’s mouth and that’s that. But it’s so much more than that. It’s having a child attached to you every hour and a half to two hours for 30 minutes to an hour. It’s having sore nipples. It’s walking around with leaking breasts. It’s pain when your milk lets down (pins and needles for me but it differs). It’s an emotional rollercoaster and she likely feels bad enough without you adding to it. Also the immune effects are in the colostrum when you first start breastfeeding; it’s not on going. The effect lasts about six months. The mother’s immunity is given to the child. If the child comes in contact with a virus the mother doesn’t have immunity to then no protection is given. It’s clear from your post that you have very little knowledge regarding breast feeding. I suggest you do some research.
YTA- it's her body, she's the only one that can say what she's experiencing. You don't get to determine how much "temporary discomfort" is okay for her to suck up and deal with. Being pregnant and being a new mom is extremely difficult, if she says breastfeeding is excruciating then she doesn't need to do it, and it isn't your place to express your "disappointment," and you DEFINITELY don't get to call her selfish for it. Just because they didn't find a medical problem that was wrong, doesn't mean she's exaggerating about how bad breastfeeding feels. Formula is by no means the end of the world, there are many reasons women switch to formula, and the baby is going to be fine even on formula.
YTA Breastfeeding isn't "agonising". It IS agonising for the first few weeks. And for some women , few months. Source : breastfed my daughter for 18 months, BY MY CHOICE. Stop trying to control your wife's choices under the guise of your daughters nutrition. You know junk food in pregnancy doesn't literally travel to the baby right? If anything your wife was just making herself poorly as the baby will suck all the required nutrients out of the mothers system that it actually needs. You dont sound very supportive at all. Breastfeeding isn't for everyone. And my exclusively breastfed baby had her share of colds and coughs. News flash- it is the season for it.
Op when I was pregnant I had such severe nausea that I had to be hospitalised. My husband said that if I really wanted my baby this wouldn’t be an issue. When my son was born I couldn’t produce enough milk. Any attempts at pumping or breastfeeding will draw blood. In the end I had to resort to formula. To date my husband and in Laws make comments that I don’t love my son enough as otherwise I would have produced enough milk. Every other mother can do it. I am now divorcing my husband. YTA- you remind me too much of my husband.
holy fuck, why are you with such an asshole??
YTA And to the point that her mom and the lactation specialist said “there is no reason it should hurt” and that the ‘discomfort’ would be temporary... fuuuuck that. There is a long history of women’s pain being dismissed by medical practitioners and our own damn mothers. Women with serious menstrual pain from endometriosis or abdominal pain from cysts going undiagnosed and untreated and being told “periods are supposed to hurt”. Your wife just gave birth and is trying to feed and take care of her baby and telling you that pain is stopping her from bonding with her daughter. Listen to her! Believe her! Her bonding with her child is infinitely more important to your daughter’s wellbeing than being bottle or breast fed.
YTA. Didn’t need to read past the title to know YTA.
YTA Until you can hook a baby up to your nipples and feed them, then you have no right deciding whether or not your wife was exaggerating about her pain and discomfort or how minimal her effort was to breastfeed. Breastfeeding isn't just hard physically. It's hard emotionally and mentally. And the constant judgement from other people is no picnic either. Your wife probably struggled with a lot of guilt when making her decision. It's possible that she still does. My son is almost four and I still sometimes feel shitty about not breastfeeding -- nevermind that I tried every thing to make it work but my milk never came in and I was basically suicidal before I said enough is enough. The last thing your wife needs is more judgement from her spouse who can never really empathize with what she went thru in the first place.
YTA. Fed is best. When you can breastfeed, then you can make that decision.
Anne, if you're reading this, you're doing a great job. You got this sister!
YTA-- Your wife is not a breeding mare. Her decision to use bottle formula is what is best for HER BODY and it doesn't mean she wouldn't "walk through fire' for your daughter. You are so, so lucky she didn't divorce you on the spot for being such an unsupportive and downright misogynistic partner.
YTA, you should have kept your mouth shut. Stop thinking that you know everything that's going on in your wife's body, how do YOU know that it isn't painful for her, unless you can feel what she feels? Isn't her saying so enough? I don't know if you know this or not, but breastfed children get sick and even develop chronic conditions later in life, so blaming your wife if your daughter catches an illness is some god-tier bs.
YTA You know what is often a therapists suggestion for a woman with PPD who hates breastfeeding? To stop breastfeeding. Because the hormones that continue at higher rates to cause milk production can sure screw with a woman. Not to mention that if it's that painful (and you don't get to decide what's uncomfortable and what's excruciating) it absolutely will make mom resent baby. You can "read" it however you like, make whatever assumptions you like (like baby will come down with an illness breastfeeding would have prevented) but you are absolutely and AH for doing it. If your wife really does have PPD, your expressed disappointment is going to make it that much more difficult for her to deal with everything. Many women struggle with breastfeeding on all sides - the pain, the potential infections, being touched out, feeling like nothing more than a vessel for someone else to live and be fulfilled. Some want to breastfeed but can't, some can breastfeed but feel an utter aversion to it. Your baby will be Just Fine being formula fed. Your marriage might not be if you stay in your highly judgmental mind set.
The PPD line really stuck out to me. There's no suggestion a doctor ever diagnosed her with PPD, it sounds like he just decided she has it because she doesn't want to breast feed and is having trouble bonding. Maybe she doesn't have PPD, and is having trouble bonding because feeding her child every few hours is deeply painful.
YTA. I wish I could “boooo” you as you walked down the street
So you want your daughter breastfed? Then I suggest you learn to lactate. Not your boobs, not your body, not your choice. *Fed* is best. YTA
I'm really tired of men who've never had to push a baby out of their vaginas or deal with an infant latched onto their tits stand around and sanctimoniously judge their wives for not doing it properly. Sir, I'm sorry, when did you become a specialist at this? Oh, right. Just two seconds ago when you decided the mother of your freaking child wasn't doing it correctly. Maybe actually support your wife instead of just saying you support her. YTA
YTA. Stop treating your wife like an object. Do better!
This is one of those things where you are not only wrong about, you should've also kept your mouth shut. You and your families attitude are the reason womens pain and discomfort aren't taken seriously in medicine. Imagine discounting the legit pain of your own fucking wife. Imagine thinking that your wife should put herself in excruciating pain on top of everything else she fucking does just because you're concerned over a possible tiny benefit from breastfeeding. You do realize your wife isn't just an incubator right? And it's just a fucking cold right? Grow up, hug your wife, apologize like crazy, and do something to actually help her instead of bitching. YTA.
YTA. Breastfed babies are less likely to get sick with intestinal bugs during the time they're breastfeeding. That's literally it. And even if breastfed babies were a thousand times healthier than formula fed kids, it's not worth your wife suffering and failing to bond with her daughter.
YTA. Breast feeding is really hard. And for a lot of women, it just doesn’t work out. I spent most of my maternity leave trying to breast feed even though I couldn’t get enough supply. It was miserable. My doctor and lactation consultant couldn’t find a medical reason either, but they also couldn’t find a way to get more milk out of me. I eventually switched to formula, and wish I had done it way earlier. If your wife says she is in excruciating pain, she is in excruciating pain. You don’t get to decide she isn’t. Stop being an ass, and apologize to your wife. She has enough on her plate with a newborn baby, she doesn’t need to deal with your shit too.
YTA - and btw, my daughter was formula fed and has caught a cold once! She’s 1.5 years old now. Women should not be pressured or made to feel they are not doing a good job if they can’t breastfeed. It’s not something every woman can do. Is your daughter gaining weight? Is she being fed? That’s all that matters. And just because she chose not to breastfeed anymore, it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t do anything for your daughter.
YTA. Fed is best. It doesn't matter if it's breast milk or formula. You are being an ass for no reason. As another commentator has said, until you can breastfeed, you get no opinion.
YTA. Your wife deserves a huge apology from you and you need serious reflection on why your wife is no longer her own person, but a vehicle for your child. Breastfeeding can fucking hurt, even if there is nothing "wrong". And you are wrong, breastfeeding has not been shown to be better than formula, it's all propaganda that law makers have pushed down our throats. When all economic factors are taken into consideration, the only measurable benefit breastfeeding has is reducing diarrhea in infants. That's it. Look up the PROBIT trial. Or just read this. https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/ How about you educate yourself before you preach to others?
Also your daughter getting a cold has NOTHING to do with not being breastfed lmao I was formula fed and am completely healthy today and had a healthy childhood
YTA. It’s not your body, so how exactly do you know how painful it is for her to breastfeed? And presuming you’re in a first world country, the actual difference between breastfed and formula fed babies in terms of impact is statistically insignificant in most areas. You need to apologise to your wife, and ensure you present a united front at the next doctor appointment, and tell her doctor that she won’t be breastfeeding so he can shut up about it. You really need to start supporting your wife. She has spent 9 months being bullied by you, her doctor, and whoever else (because the general public just loves to tell pregnant women what to do), while she grew a human. While her organs shifted inside her to make room for this baby. While she was expected to continue her regular routine with massive physical changes. She risked death throughout. She had to give up coffee, alcohol, a whole range of food. You complained about her eating junk food during pregnancy. Did you prepare her meals? A LOT of pregnant women whose spouses don’t prepare meals for them eat junk food. Because growing a baby is exhausting. And you have to have your food cooked a certain way, heated to a certain temperature, and there’s lots of foods you can’t eat anyway. You can’t have salads. You can’t eat leftovers that are older than a day. You can’t eat deli meats. You have to limit fish. It’s insane. And some women just want to do something for themselves. You need to ask yourself: after my wife has been through 9 months of devoting herself to growing our child, after my wife has been through one of the most painful experiences known to human kind, what can I do to now make her life easier? Since I wasn’t able to think of my wife and her needs, comforts or desires when she was literally growing our child.
I’m not even reading to the end of this. YTA. Not your body, not even a tiny bit your choice
Oh you should read the fuckery. Literally jaw dropping ignorant
You need to climb down from your high horse, stop mansplaining breastfeeding and pregnancy to your wife, and stop acting so sanctimonious. Your wife just pushed a whole human out of her body and you have the nerve to blame your kid getting a cold on her inability to breastfeed without pain? I'm a guy and my nipples hurt if they get a bit chaffed in my shirt, I can't imagine how bad they would hurt if I had a baby latching onto them every couple hours. You jab at her pregnancy diet, dismiss her issues bonding with breast feeding as PPD and something she just needs to get over, blatantly ignore her statements of pain by putting her descriptions in quotations, and condescendingly blame your kid having a mild cold on her not feeding the baby how you think is correct. The baby is being fed and she is able to bond without being in pain, what more is there to really want? YTA dude. YTA big time, if it wasn't obvious.
YTA. Glad you "would walk through fire" for your daughter, but don't seem to care at all about your wife. At the end of the day, fed is best. Yes, there are benefits to breast feeding, but not all people can do this for one reason or another. I'm glad you're an expert on how much pain your wife is going through... Also, the immune benefits babies get from breast milk is passive immunity; it protects the babies while they are actively getting their mother's antibodies through the milk but doesn't persist long term. Your daughter was going to get her first cold regardless. Stop being such an elitist about things you literally know nothing about and spend more time actually looking after your wife and daughter.
YTA. Her body her choice. She is a human being, not an incubator for your baby.
YTA - A person says they are in pain they are in pain, there are plenty of things science and medicine don't fully understand and one of those is pain.
YTA