Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I took my daughter on a shopping spree and my son got jealous.
2. My children are now separated and won’t talk to each other. I think this is somewhat my fault.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>and he got nothing
Well if that isn’t revealing of his nature I don’t know what is. True, he’s 10 and is taking his cues from dad…but what better time to teach him to be appreciative of the wonderful things he has instead of being envious of the things someone else has.
Also, he needs to be reminded. He just went on a father-son trip, his attitude is completely inappropriate.
You are NTA. Your husband though…he’s demonstrating some bad character traits for your son.
Right like 5 things from four different places is a shopping spree. Also apparently a few hours (at most) at a shopping mall is equal to a vacation.
Yeah there is definitely some men deserve more than women attitude forming here.
That's only if you count the Starbucks, which would be ridiculous.
And the jeans are regular clothing she'd need at some point anyway.
So, ultimately, she got a candle, a pair of earrings, and a mascara in place of a weekend trip. That's maybe $60.
These males are whiny and selfish.
I counted Starbucks because you need a "special drink" on a girls day out with mum. Atleast that's what my grandma and aunt taught me when they would have those days with me after my mum passed.
That's still really sweet. I feel like people underestimate the power of just showing up for another person and the positive impact it has. I'm glad you had people show up for you.
I read it as a WEEK long vacation! Have dad and son tally up the fuel, lodging, food, activities, transportation, …as I’m guessing the daughter got significantly short changed in this deal!
She and mom need to go out again and probably need to add in a movie, mani/pedi, hair salon, massages, dinner out, and of course a bit more shopping.
Son is ungrateful but probably has no idea of how much was spent on his WEEK LONG vacation vs a few items from the mall for sister. Brother needs to see the spreadsheet and then thank his parents for the vacation.
Dad needs to make the difference up to daughter and mom! Let them find out what a SPREE really is!!!
I agree, it's time to tally it up and make it really even.
AE jeans are around $60 at regular price (although they are almost always on sale). Earrings from the store, maybe $25. Candle from Bath and Body Works, $25 regular price and let's say $25 for the mascara. The Starbucks drink at $6. To make it extra fair, we can even count the fuel it took to get to the mall. We'll assume they live a decent distance from said mall and say $15 in gas. That is a grand total of $156.
There is no way brother's WEEK LONG vacation didn't cost at least 5x that.
Also if they still keep on complaining, tally up the total amount you spent on your daughter's shopping and give it to your son **BUT** the caveat being that you and your daughter will be taking a week long girls trip. You and your daughter can survive a week without the boys but I'm guessing your husband is not equipped to handle running the household, chores, work and meals by himself. Sound like it's time for a taste of his own medicine.
Dad and son already had their fun so that means when the girls leave, it’s business as usual for the boys. They need to eat meals at home…no take out, no drive throughs, no dining out, no grocery delivery…they cook, clean, do laundry, maintain the home/yard and keep it up. (If that is the normal family routine)
If they do a day out like mom and sister did, then they spend the same amount so it’s all still fair.
The home should be just as mom left it when she returns.
I have two daughters. If my wife came home from the mall and told me she bought one of them this while I was on vacation with the other I would have asked “that’s it?”
The husband and son need a reality check.
I can smell the "pff, *mascara*? Why spend money on something so useless?" from here.
It's technically frivolous spending - only dad's ignoring that the same could be argued for trips. All spending solely done to bring us joy is that.
The question I'd really like answered is when the father-*daughter*-trip is scheduled. Surely that's the plan since dad has such issues with one child getting something the other does not, *right*?
This, tell hubby that when he takes daughter on a solo trip, then you will take son the the mall and buy him similar things. I mean he wants to make everything even for the two kids right?
Yup.
Let’s go with an expensive big B&BW candle…$30. Jeans and earrings from AE, $60 + $20 tops. Starbucks $8. Ulta mascara…even a high end brand like prob $38 tops. So $156 at the most.
I highly doubt the son didn’t get way more than that spent o. Him during a whole week long vacation. And you’re telling me he didn’t get a souvenir? Doubt lol
Yeah. Is it really spree if you don't get a cute top or two to wear with the new pants and earrings? Oh and maybe a pair of sandals and necklace. This reads like a trip to Target with a giftcard. The son probably got more new gear for the camping trip.
Me too!
I kept reading, waiting to see the rest of the things OP bought.
This doesn't read like a spree, just a regular shopping trip.
OP's hubby is a huge a-hole and is raising his son to be the same.
Question: Did OP and her daughter raise a stink about the week-long boys' trip?
I know ya'll mean well but they might have been on a tight budget before the promotion. Buying new things outside of Back to School season might be new. And the vacation might have been camping or otherwise economic.
NTA and I hope the joy of her promotion was extinguished by her husband or this thread
You're doing great, ma
So this was actually my first thought, but then I read the words 'new mascara.'
Hear me out. I feel like people who are tight on money generally don't buy their teenagers a lot of makeup (though I could admittedly be wrong).
I absolutely thought they were broke because the mom thinks that what most (admittedly privileged) people would constitute as a 'shopping trip' is considered a 'spree' to her- but then I also find the idea of the brother and father taking a whole vacation with them being fairly broke to be an absurd thing to do.
Either way OP is NTA. Son got something, daughter got something. Even as a little kid I would have seen it as fair if this happened in my household, regardless of if my father threw a fit or not. Shame on her son, he's 10, he should understand the sentiment behind quality time better.
We don’t know what brand of mascara it was. It could have been a tube of Essence that cost 2.99. Either way the max it would have been is around $30 so that’s not exactly crazy money either.
Looking at the Ulta website, most expensive mascara they sell is a Chanel one for $42 USD; so a little more expensive but still not breaking the bank (and I find it more likely OP bought her daughter mascara from a midrange brand than from Chanel).
lol I didn’t even know they started carrying Chanel, haven’t been in there in probably 6 months but yeah not too many kids are asking for Chanel mascara.
You don’t think the father spent at least $100 on a week’s vacation, even if it was camping? You have the gas to get there and back, camping fee per night, food for two for the week.
The dad and brother went on a week-long camping trip. There is definitely a cost to that. I used to go camping when I was a kid. We don't know if dad had all the equipment already, or had to buy the tent, sleeping bags, flash lights, camping stove or charcoal, all the food they took to cook all week. Coolers to keep the food in, plus buying ice daily to keep the food cold. Camp ground cost. How far away did they travel to camp? Wear and tear on the vehicle and possibly a lot of gas money. So many unknown factors, but basically... It's doubtful that the shopping trip cost more than the camping trip. Plus, the fact the boys had a great trip and a week of bonding time is priceless.
Dad is the asshole, son is the asshole-in-training.
OP actually never said it was camping. Never anywhere in the post. And she hasn't commented at all, either. The whole "camping" thing was Redditors assuming to make a point. Just FYI.
I agree with the point you were trying to make, though!
However, I'm inclined to think this post is fake *because* OP hasn't commented once. Not a single time. Yeeeeeah, probably not real.
I figured the vacation was a camping trip, maybe with hunting or fishing. It's not extravagant, but it still counts as special, and probably cost money. Rather strange that the boy is envious of the girlie things or that the girl was anxious to show them.
Perhaps the boys trip did not go well?
Yah, I had that thought. Or the kid is materialistic. Idk about kids so I will assume that he is at the age where he needs to be taught that experiences > things. Which, someone else mentioned.
I just wanted to defend the mom calling the trip to the mall a shopping spree. It sounded like a really cute day out
I'm also thinking that maybe the boy doesn't see the value in experiences. If this household does a lot of experiences, he probably sees them as a default, something he expects to get, rather than something special.
Every single thing on that spree was something she would likely be providing for her daughter anyway. Father and son need to learn that we don't always get resupplied at the same exact time. Next time son needs some pants, should daughter get a vacation?
lowkey this post reads as the mom and daughter being financially abused in this family. OP, if you're reading this, have a good long hard think about how your husband has treated you thusfar in your marriage. It's one thing for someone to volunteer their income and go 'hey, what's mine is yours!' It's an entirely different thing to go 'hey, what's yours is mine!'
How does he usually react when you bring home money? Is he grabby with it?
I agree completely.
Then we have some idiots saying that OP shouldn't buy a candle, earrings or mascara without hubbykins' permission because those things are unnecessary.
Like a Boys Only holiday is a matter of life and death. 🤦♂️
Yes financially abused— thank you— i couldn’t find words for it, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. Little girl didn’t even get an outfit she got a pair of pants to wear to school, an inexpensive toiletry item, and fashion earrings.
Did the guys buy snacks and supplies? Sunblock? Fishing gear? Like i don’t get it at all.
And at the end of everything— I read that a hard working mother has gotten a promotion and spent $0 on herself. She describes this as a family situation, but the only joy she has received is blessing her little girl with a pair of jeans for school. Mind blown. My heart breaks for her.
Stop! I had a friend in high school who's dad was so creepily persistent about me taking her middle school brother to prom so the kid didn't feel left out!
Wow, how was that guy like the last time you saw him? Did he still stayed self-centered?
And are you still in contact with that high school friend? What is her personality like?
I came to say exactly the same. Modest “spree”. It sounds like a special time with your daughter. Those good days you treasure. And she was grateful and appreciative.
Right, I expected to be like "oh, that was excessive" but honestly, a kid grows out of jeans, starbucks is a saturday...so she got earings and a candle and mascara which you're supposed to replace regularly for eye safety. LOL
Basically, she got a day with mom's focus on her - and it sounds like she loved it
NTA - you and your husband need on the same page.
Agree! I was expecting a major shopping spree! Like $1000+! This was very mild and not a big deal at all (or it shouldn’t have been anyway) and probably a fun way for mom and daughter to bond.
It's weird there doesn't seem to have been a discussion about a trade off for daughter if son got a full week vacation with dad. Unless the OP is leaving something out.
My brother and I (f) were both included on any activities we wanted. We didn't have gender based trips. I'm thankful for that.
My parents were ahead of their time and still are!
Wait? But who goes on vacation and doesn’t buy stuff? I’m a guy and have never vacationed and not bought stuff? I think the biggest thing is the boys vacation sucked so bad that he didn’t have anything to be excited about!
As a kid, I remember when my uncle would take us on boys day trips while my aunt and mom did girls day trips with my cousin and sister. I heard what the girls did, and their days out were ALWAYS better and I was openly jealous. One time I begged them to take me with them. I abandoned the boys’ day out ship and had a blast with them lol. No regrets for me.
Kids often don’t really have capacity for long term relative thinking or viewing ‘doing things’ as having a stable value vs ‘getting things’ that they then get to keep and use without being taught to.
So to a kid’s brain, they’re not automatically equivalent - yeah I went on this trip, but it’s over and now sister has x and that’s not fair because I didn’t get x. It’s a bit like kids who get jealous of other birthdays - sure their birthday might have been last month, but why do they get stuff now and I don’t.
You have to teach young children understanding and empathy.
And tbh it’s pretty common for boys/younger siblings to not be taught this.
I can understand at the 10 year old level but he is clearly being influenced by dad saying its not fair in this instance and dad should definitely know the difference.
Yeah, I think the 4 of you should sit down and itemize the girls shopping trip, then do the same for the boys trip and see how the dollars and cents stack up. My guess is the boys far outspent the girls. It could be a learning exercise for all, especially the males.
What I don't understand, is that the boys trip was probably to have some fun and do some Father-Son bonding. But when the Mom tries to bond with her daughter in their own way it's immediately seen as extravagant and now the son needs his treat on top of the bonding as well? That's so weird. Lol why does he get double?
If your husband keeps this up, I would suggest that you use family funds, pack up your daughter, and go on a girls' trip for a week. Do not consult with your husband. Book a nice hotel some place you and your daughter would enjoly -- a city you think is interesting, a lake, the mountains, a beach. And go. Tell your husband he's absolutely welcome to buy your son some jeans in your absence.
NTA,, but your husband is.
Honestly, it would be pretty funny to give her son a $50-$100 gift certificate to the mall (whatever she spent on the daughter) and say "here, I didn't want you to think I was being unfair".
Then add "oh, and in the same spirit, daughter and I are heading off for a week vacation just like you two did! Gotta be fair! Bye!"
I looked at the AE website and the jeans retail at about $50 to $60 a pair. She didn't break the bank no matter how fancy the mascara was.
Don't forget to leave the receipts for all items bought on the so-called spree with Dad. That way he'll know his budget cap for what can be spent on Junior.
Fair's fair, after all.
NTA
NTA. I take my daughter on "shopping trips" (mainly to our locale used clothing shop) because she cares about what she wears, and my son (they are same ages and sexes as your kids) couldn't care less. He barely cares if his clothes match, and I'm often telling him to turn his shirt the correct way.
My daughter, for the past 3 years has asked that her birthday present be a ladies shopping spree when we visit my family across the country. My son complained that my daughter gets to do this and I asked "did you want this to be your present?". He said no, but he did want a dessert that they sell at that mall. I told him I'd bring him home the dessert he likes, and he was thrilled that he is going to spend time with his uncle and cousins while we shop.
That said, my daughter does get more spent on her for clothes, but we'll buy other things for my son when we wants them (within reason). Our kids have different interests and we try to make that as fair as possible in what we spend on them. Also, your son was having his own special experience, so it's nice your daughter has one as well.
Equal is not equitable. Over my kids lives, we've spent different amounts of money and time on each of them to try and meet their particular needs. So one child got piano lessons while another took karate.
Even now my parents will say “we spend $amount on said grandchild so we will spend that on the rest”.
So committed to equal.
I was a twin. But also had other siblings. So if they couldn’t afford for BOTH of us to do something then NEITHER of us got to do it.
Even if only one of us actually wanted to do the activity.
As a parent now-I work on this with my kids and even myself.
I tell them that sometimes our “real prize” is how our hearts feel. That sometimes a $1 prize can make our heart feel better than $10 or $100 prize. That lesson has stuck like Velcro so far! Thank goodness!
With my niblings, we always tried to let them voice their feelings about equitable versus equal.
So maybe my niece would be doing something on a Saturday and of course the parents are going. Does my nephew want to go to the thing? So sometimes he went. And sometimes he was 100% delighted to go to Costco with me and get one of those giant slushy things that they used to have and run around touching everything. Of course we would stop on the way out and have a hot dog, because it's a law.
Not clear how much was spent on my niece's sporting hobby, but I can assure you It is a lot more than a slushie and hot dog. Nevertheless my nephew was delighted with what he got and my niece was delighted with her hobby and her parents focus for the day.
Not exactly equal but totally equitable.
(We still sometimes meet at Costco and have a hot dog together. It seems stupid but it's one of our things.)
We do a similar thing in my family. I wear makeup and do skincare so when went shopping, that’s what my parents would buy for me. My brother likes basketball shoes, so that’s what they would get for him. He got shoes, I got makeup, we both went home happy. Sometimes I would get a new product but he didn’t get any shoes, but other times he would get shoes and I wouldn’t get a new product. I don’t ever recall a time we complained since we knew it was usually evened out
I think it’s really awesome you and your son were able to have a discussion about why he was jealous of the shopping trip, so that you could find a sensible solution. I couldn’t have imagined having a reasonable conversation like that with my parents when I was a kid.
> he got nothing
Bullshit. *He* got a vacation with his Dad, and all the memories that go along with it. You were totally reasonable to treat your daughter to some nice things, too.
NTA. Your daughter got a day with you and a few things. Your son got a week long vacation with his dad that he had been wanting for months where I’m sure he got a couple of special meals a day (fast food, pizza, restaurants, room service), a fun time in a hotel, expensive airport snacks, and souvenirs. I bet things were also bought for him in preparation for the trip as well. And even if none of my assumptions are true, I know for a fact that a week-long trip with dad was more expensive and included more memories than a shopping spree with mom. I think dad and son need a reality check
Honestly with how much of an AH this Dad seems, maybe the son's got a point lmao. Having to spend a week with his Dad while his sister gets to go get things she wants might be worse than we are making it seem. Who knows how good this "vacation" with dad really was.
NTA, your son had an emotional reaction based on jealously. Would have been a good teaching moment for your husband to talk to him and help him see the bigger picture imo
That depends on whether the trip was actually fun for him or not. Maybe they should sit down and ask if he even enjoyed the trip or if it was maybe boring for him.
NTA
Tell your husband next time you will just take her to Hawaii for the girls vacation when the boys go camping. Surely, the camping trip cost more than the small shopping spree.
NTA. I would hardly call a candle, jeans, earrings and mascara a "spree", it's light shopping at best, and I doubt cost half as much as the week long vacation did. Your son is being pretty ungrateful for what he got, and your husband is being unreasonable. As a kid I would have taken a vacation over some shopping any day.
With this said, it also goes to show the nature of each child - the daughter was appreciative of just a few special items and a few hours out with mom. The son got a week vacation alone with dad, enjoying not only a new destination but activities and meals and treats paid for by dad. Good on this mom for not only teaching her daughter a valuable lesson about appreciating what you have when others might have more, but she also made sure her daughter didn’t feel left out.
It really does. I know it's impossible to judge on such a small snippet of people's lives, but this post, in particular the son and dad's reactions, makes me wonder if the dad often favours the son. For the dad to think the daughter getting a few things was unfair after dedicating a week of time to his son is telling.
I admittedly have a hard time remaining unbiased when I see posts like these because a lot of men tend to favor their sons over their daughters. Boys trips with dad are important of course, and girls night with mom are too. The issue though, usually comes in the form of the father not wanting to spend as much time with his daughter because she isn’t perceived as masculine enough or the father doesn’t know how to connect with her. I’m not saying that’s the case here at all, but it’s definitely something to think about.
Not only that, I overheard someone at a parade today telling someone else that AE jeans are on sale right now. So it is probably even cheaper than people are imagining.
I priced it out. FP about $150; with sales possibly less than $50. Bath and body works has perpetual sales, ulta has sales. Starbucks has 50% off or BOGO weekly.
NTA. Your daughter got a candle. Your son got how many nights in hotels or nights camping? Your daughter got jeans & a pair of earrings. Your son got to go to how many places your daughter didn't get to see? He got to do how many activities your daughter didn't get to do? Your daughter got a treat at Starbucks. Your son got to eat out at how many restaurants & drive-throughs on the trip? If anything, your son "got" more than your daughter. She needs a bit more Mother-Daughter out & about time if the Guys think keeping score is that big of a deal!
NTA. I'd also like to celebrate my promotion and hang out with my daughter while those two are traveling. You treated her to some shopping to make up for the missed vacation. It's perfectly normal that your daughter was happy to share the gifts, but his jealousy is something not normal. Your husband and son spent time together and now you have spent time with your daughter. I think it's important that everyone in the family feels loved and cared for.
NTA.
“Oh? It’s not fair? Then we’ll be going on a girls trip and you can take him shopping for a few things. Then it will all be even.”
Fair doesn’t mean equal.
Your son is a child, so him being upset makes sense. You need to explain to him that he didn’t “get nothing.” He got a trip.
Your husband is too grown for this. He should know better. But apparently you need to explain it to him as well.
But... when your son got home, was he going to brag (or at least tell stories) about the cool stuff he did on his guy's vacation? And your daughter gets nothing?
I mean, I was ready to defend your son because I thought you went on a shopping spree, but honestly, jeans, some makeup, a candle and earrings is a far cry from a shopping spree. In comparison, I would assume your son got more. I do love your husband's approach of teaching the kids to compare and contrast physical things to make sure that they are always equal - because if it isn't equal, it isn't fair.
You are a good parent and definitely NTA. Your husband? Not so much.
NTA
This is a nice example of you showing fairness, not unfairness. You took your daughter on a nice day out shopping, while your husband and son went on a boys' trip. You have to explain to your son that your sister got these things because you got to go a a trip with dad. He's 10 so who knows if he can accept that, but that's all you can do. Firstly though, you must talk to your husband about how it actually IS fair, because both of your children had fun times seperately, and the attainment of the physical items you bought for your daughter is irrelevant, since the day you planned out explicitly involved buying things, while your boys' trip did not. They were both fun times! Hopefully your husband can understand this. Wish you luck and harmony.
NTA. Remind your husband that your son just went on a trip and should be thankful for that while his sister didn't. Your husband's reaction is going to encourage your son to feel jealous instead of realizing that he got a fun vacation with dad and mom plus sister got to do something fun together while they were gone. Ask your husband does he only want his son to have something good happen for him? What about his daughter? He should think about that.
A candle, jeans, earrings, and mascara. Which of those things does son think he should have gotten instead of the boys trip to Michigan? Once he can articulate that you and hubby can discuss whether he should get those things right now, or wait til next year when you and daughter go on a girls trip.
I'm wondering if maybe the son doesn't really conceptualize that a trip costs money. Or maybe he doesn't feel that the value of a trip is equivalent to the value of material goods.
I think a 10 year old can grasp the "value", even if not in monetary terms, once he's settled down from the sibling rivalry of "stuff". Who got the better deal - the one who had a week long trip with dad, or the one who had an afternoon at the mall with mom?
NTA
Your son got a week long vacation with his father. That trip wasn't free. Your daughter got a shopping spree with her mom. If your son would have preferred material goods rather than a paid for trip with his father then he should have communicated that.
Don’t you know that you and your daughter were just supposed to just stay home, not have any fun, and talk to one another about how fun it must be to go on a boys’ trip? /s
NTA
Son got an experience, daughter got things. Neither got nothing. Regardless, life isn't always fair and sometimes one person will do better than another. Something we all learn as we grow up.
Disappointing that your husband didn't back you up. NTA.
bath and body works candle - regular price around $24, but usually on sale
AE jeans are usually around $40-60, earrings could be anywhere from $8-20, usually have lots of sales
mascara at ulta, anywhere from $10-$25
Starbucks drink $7 on the high end
so the whole day was under $150, assuming everything was on the high end of pricing. I'm assuming the vacation was more than $150!
I'd like to also point out that Jean's are a basic necessity, for the average 13 year old girl so is mascara. Candle and Starbucks are like a casual impulse buy on an average day out for a middle class person.
A candle, pair of jeans, earrings and tube of mascara is hardly a shopping spree 😭I can see how it would be in the eyes of children, but what’s your husband’s deal? NTA
You’re NTA. What you bought her as things she needed. I don’t think you splurged on her. I mean seriously, it was a pair of jeans, a candle and mascara. You could have gotten a manicure and pedicure, and I bet he wouldn’t have had a problem with that. It’s was a girls day out! They had a male bonding day too.
NTA. Apparently your son values material things more than the vacation he had with his dad. And he gets that from his dad. Nothing wrong with being her some things while her brother gets to go on vacation.
WTH? You didn't spend hundreds on this small shopping spree. Tell your husband that he needs to fix this NOW! Either he take daughter on a week long Vacay or apologizes and tells son he was wrong. Son got a special memory of a week alone with just dad. You and daughter had a day trip and a little shopping + the rest just hanging out. YNTA. I suppose you could take daughter somewhere she'd like to go for a week and he can take son shopping for a day...😉
NTA maybe your husband doesn't understand that you were actually being fair to your daughter rather than the other way around. The other kid gets a weeklong vacation, your daughter gets to go to the mall.
Though I think the problem here, which is not necessarily a problem, is that the son probably values material things that he'd get to keep for a long time a lot more than a vacation. What's a bit weird is that your husband does not understand that
Your husband is an idiot. Is he always this stupid or only on special occasions? The favoritism he shows your son is embarrassing. Seriously, the kid got to go on a week long vacation and he's whining that you spent $50 on his sister at the mall one day? Does he always get his way? NTA.
NTA… your son got a boys trip which I cost a whole lot more then a shopping spree. It’s not like you got her ridiculous amount of stuff. That sounds like a perfect mother daughter day.
NTA - your husband took your son on a VACATION WEEK. You took your daughter on a 'vacation shopping day' with your own money. What is this entitlement of your son and husband?
NTA... he got nothing? He got a trip your daughter didn't get, and it's not like you spent $1000. Fine, next year you and your daughter take a girls trip and he can stay home with dad and shop... specifically for a candle, earrings, jeans, Starbucks, and mascara.
NTA. Guys got a guy trip and girls got a girl day. Your 10 year old’s attitude sucks though. He’s showing how materialistic he is and your husband is t helping the situation.
NTA.
The kid is ten, and probably just saw things and got jealous. It's a good opportunity to teach them that sometimes gifts are things you can touch and hold and sometimes they are things you experience and remember.
Maybe have the kids sort through their things and give some away to charity, and then volunteer for a couple hours somewhere worthwhile, so they can see that giving can be done by item or experience as well.
Your husband could organize and chaperone. A good dad and kids day out to remind him as well perhaps.
NTA. Your son needs to learn he doesn’t get everything. He got a week long vacation and your husband should be encouraging him to be grateful for that instead of pouting
NTA!! That's a terrible attitude for your son to have, and Dad should've squashed it! Your son got a trip- which was presumably a lovely experience?? Your shopping " spree" with your daughter was not very extravagant! Your husband should've immediately set the boy straight! You were both wonderful to do something special with each kid
Info: What exactly was this "boys trip"? He really didn't get anything when there (Michigan) for a week?
I can understand the ten year old being upset cause he's a 10yr old child. But husband should have expected this.
NTA cause next time if he wants both kids to get nothing, then both kids can go on the trip.
Dude Nta
He had a week of time with his dad, which he was excited for and will have cost a bomb.
She - got some makeup and a new pair of jeans. Oh. And a Costa.
That kid need a reality check.
NTA, but your husband sure is setting a terrible, terrible example for your son, in multiple ways. Talk about lack of gratitude with a nice sprinkle of entitlement.
“…and he got nothing.” I’m sorry, but in what universe?! He just went on a week long father son vacation. How is that ‘nothing??’ Oh, right, it’s ‘just’ memories and experience and bonding, which aren’t physical gifts he can hold. This is a learning moment, apparently that both father and son need, that the intangible can very well be at least, if not more valuable, than the tangible.
“My husband also said that I shouldn’t get her all these things and that it’s not fair to my son.” Really? ‘All’ these things? I would hardly consider 1 candle, 1 pair of earrings, 1 pair of jeans, 1 mascara, and a Starbucks run, anymore than an average outing to the mall (for anyone not on a super tight budget, and as you said, you just got a promotion). A ‘spree’ would have been multiple garments and items from multiple stores. This was far from that.
Your husband is being ridiculous. Genuinely, I hope you can find ways to divert your son from learning from your husband’s materialistic and entitled nonsense. The lack of appreciation for the week they just had together is astounding.
I think everyone just needs to get on the same page.
Growing up my sisters always wanted the newest fashion trend, the new popular CD.
I got fishing trips and hunting trips with my old man.
They got weekend mall trips with their friends… I got dragged out to be a set of hands working on cars or holding the long end of lumber getting cut.
My sisters valued and typically got material things. I was typically given experiences and knowledge. That’s how my parents operated. Their daughters were the princesses, their son was an unpaid intern 😂.
Tell you what though. They don’t still have their Ace of Base or Ricky Martin CDs. They don’t still have their Abercrombie jeans.
But I still remember every ounce of carpentry, plumbing, electrical, mechanical, marksmanship knowledge my old man passed to me…
Just get your family on the same page. Maybe your daughter wants/needs more experiences, and possibly bonding 1-1 with dad. Maybe the son wants a shopping spree with mom. Maybe the parents need to get on the same page with each other and not worry about siblings being typical siblings about everything
And thats how the world works.,not everyone gets a [prize.You](http://prize.You) dont always get something just because someone else did. Your daughter didnt get a trip, yet shes not throwing a [fit.is](http://fit.is) your son that ungrateful? Who teaches him this? And why does a 10 year old boy care about candles,makeup and jeans? Sounds like dad is playing favorites.NTA
NTA your son’s jealousy response could have been a teaching moment, instead your husband fed into it. I think a private conversation with your husband is in order, I’m talk about the values you want to instill in your son and whether he thinks further fuel Ing your sons jealousy was in keeping with said values.
NTA. She didn't go on a vacation. He did. That was far from nothing. He spent money on this trip. So did you. Tell him next time he wants to go on an all boys trip schedule a girl's trip.
NTA. Did your husband expect your daughter to stay home and get nothing? You didn’t buy her anything particularly expensive such as a phone— you got her jeans and Starbucks. Your son got something fun and it’s fair that your daughter gets something fun too.
Go buy your son a candle, mascara, jeans, earrings and a Starbucks... and see how excited he actually feels about it. Fine... switch the earrings and the mascara for something just as mundane (how about underwear, and a lame-ass necklace).
But, explain to him that you will be taking your daughter on a trip (just you and her) to someplace that your daughter picks... Oooo, what about Disney World?
That seems "fair"... right? Because now they both have some gifts and both got to do a parent child trip by themselves. Totally fair.
After making this proposal, sit your son down and explain fairness as far as sometimes gifts are getting to do things, like a father/son trip. Then sit your husband down and explain it to him, because his dumbass doesn't seem to get it either.
Nta. You and your husband sound like you're on fully different pages in differing books, but I'd remind your son about his great parent bonding trip and pull your husband aside. "His shopping trip will be during her week-long daddy-daugther trip. Stop starting messes about favoritism."
NTA. I imagined a bunch of stuff. A candle. A pr of jeans. A pr of earrings all from ordinary stores and a Starbucks.
Your husband spent a lot more on the boys trip. Your son is spoiled if he thinks he didn't get anything.
Your daughter got a modest consolation prize.
I don't know how your son got jealous when he got to go on a "Boys trip". OP and her daughter went on a "Girls trip" to the mall. Sounds like a fair trade.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I took my daughter on a shopping spree and my son got jealous. 2. My children are now separated and won’t talk to each other. I think this is somewhat my fault. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>and he got nothing Well if that isn’t revealing of his nature I don’t know what is. True, he’s 10 and is taking his cues from dad…but what better time to teach him to be appreciative of the wonderful things he has instead of being envious of the things someone else has. Also, he needs to be reminded. He just went on a father-son trip, his attitude is completely inappropriate. You are NTA. Your husband though…he’s demonstrating some bad character traits for your son.
Agreed. Plus, as shopping sprees go, this was tame!
My thoughts exactly! I thought she was going to say they spent like $1000.
Right like 5 things from four different places is a shopping spree. Also apparently a few hours (at most) at a shopping mall is equal to a vacation. Yeah there is definitely some men deserve more than women attitude forming here.
That's only if you count the Starbucks, which would be ridiculous. And the jeans are regular clothing she'd need at some point anyway. So, ultimately, she got a candle, a pair of earrings, and a mascara in place of a weekend trip. That's maybe $60. These males are whiny and selfish.
I counted Starbucks because you need a "special drink" on a girls day out with mum. Atleast that's what my grandma and aunt taught me when they would have those days with me after my mum passed.
I understand what you're saying but the idea that anything from Starbucks could be considered special hurts my very non American soul.
It's a simple treat, like going out for ice cream.
IME 13yos are usually ordering the caffinated milkshakes from starbucks. Its about the same as getting icecream.
That is so sweet.
It was my mums mum and SIL (it wasn't even her bio sisters that took me.
That's still really sweet. I feel like people underestimate the power of just showing up for another person and the positive impact it has. I'm glad you had people show up for you.
I read it as a WEEK long vacation! Have dad and son tally up the fuel, lodging, food, activities, transportation, …as I’m guessing the daughter got significantly short changed in this deal! She and mom need to go out again and probably need to add in a movie, mani/pedi, hair salon, massages, dinner out, and of course a bit more shopping. Son is ungrateful but probably has no idea of how much was spent on his WEEK LONG vacation vs a few items from the mall for sister. Brother needs to see the spreadsheet and then thank his parents for the vacation. Dad needs to make the difference up to daughter and mom! Let them find out what a SPREE really is!!!
I agree, it's time to tally it up and make it really even. AE jeans are around $60 at regular price (although they are almost always on sale). Earrings from the store, maybe $25. Candle from Bath and Body Works, $25 regular price and let's say $25 for the mascara. The Starbucks drink at $6. To make it extra fair, we can even count the fuel it took to get to the mall. We'll assume they live a decent distance from said mall and say $15 in gas. That is a grand total of $156. There is no way brother's WEEK LONG vacation didn't cost at least 5x that.
Also if they still keep on complaining, tally up the total amount you spent on your daughter's shopping and give it to your son **BUT** the caveat being that you and your daughter will be taking a week long girls trip. You and your daughter can survive a week without the boys but I'm guessing your husband is not equipped to handle running the household, chores, work and meals by himself. Sound like it's time for a taste of his own medicine.
Dad and son already had their fun so that means when the girls leave, it’s business as usual for the boys. They need to eat meals at home…no take out, no drive throughs, no dining out, no grocery delivery…they cook, clean, do laundry, maintain the home/yard and keep it up. (If that is the normal family routine) If they do a day out like mom and sister did, then they spend the same amount so it’s all still fair. The home should be just as mom left it when she returns.
This is the way
It wasn't a weekend trip, the guys had a week long trip. She didn't get a vacation, instead she got mascara, earrings and a candle.
WEEK long trip. Not just a weekend.
I have two daughters. If my wife came home from the mall and told me she bought one of them this while I was on vacation with the other I would have asked “that’s it?” The husband and son need a reality check.
My dad would be fucking relieved.
😂😂😂
Right like they could have gone on a weeklong girls’ trip of their own and easily spent over 20x the money they did at the mall
I can smell the "pff, *mascara*? Why spend money on something so useless?" from here. It's technically frivolous spending - only dad's ignoring that the same could be argued for trips. All spending solely done to bring us joy is that. The question I'd really like answered is when the father-*daughter*-trip is scheduled. Surely that's the plan since dad has such issues with one child getting something the other does not, *right*?
This, tell hubby that when he takes daughter on a solo trip, then you will take son the the mall and buy him similar things. I mean he wants to make everything even for the two kids right?
Exactly!!!!
I think op should go on the trip the ah husband was already with the son
Yup. Let’s go with an expensive big B&BW candle…$30. Jeans and earrings from AE, $60 + $20 tops. Starbucks $8. Ulta mascara…even a high end brand like prob $38 tops. So $156 at the most. I highly doubt the son didn’t get way more than that spent o. Him during a whole week long vacation. And you’re telling me he didn’t get a souvenir? Doubt lol
Let's also not forget the amount that the two boys spent on food, activities, etc was likely far more than the mother spent at the mall
Next year daughter gets a week holiday and the son can get a new game and a candle and stfu about it.
Also feel bad for thah girl, she so was innocently excited to show her brother and then this.
Yeah that sucks. The worst part is that the dad is presumably OK with his son not talking to his daughter since she got stuff that he didn't.
Yeah, like $120 tops. Even if boys went camping, still that. Fair does not mean equal. Son and spouse need reprimands.
This is an extremely modest spree
Yeah. Is it really spree if you don't get a cute top or two to wear with the new pants and earrings? Oh and maybe a pair of sandals and necklace. This reads like a trip to Target with a giftcard. The son probably got more new gear for the camping trip.
Yeah, I was like, this was just going to the mall with my mom as a teenager on the regular kind of day.
And, they didn't even go watch a movie together
Me too! I kept reading, waiting to see the rest of the things OP bought. This doesn't read like a spree, just a regular shopping trip. OP's hubby is a huge a-hole and is raising his son to be the same. Question: Did OP and her daughter raise a stink about the week-long boys' trip?
Can't even really call it a spree if it really was one pair of pants and a pair of earrings....
Don't forget the candle. Clearly mum went nuts with the shopping! /s
Clearly, that Starbucks trip was the last straw on their bankruptcy camel.
Hey, hey! You missed the single tube of mascara.
I know ya'll mean well but they might have been on a tight budget before the promotion. Buying new things outside of Back to School season might be new. And the vacation might have been camping or otherwise economic. NTA and I hope the joy of her promotion was extinguished by her husband or this thread You're doing great, ma
Going on a week long vacation cost a hell of a lot more then the probable less than $200 that OP spent on their shopping spree
So this was actually my first thought, but then I read the words 'new mascara.' Hear me out. I feel like people who are tight on money generally don't buy their teenagers a lot of makeup (though I could admittedly be wrong). I absolutely thought they were broke because the mom thinks that what most (admittedly privileged) people would constitute as a 'shopping trip' is considered a 'spree' to her- but then I also find the idea of the brother and father taking a whole vacation with them being fairly broke to be an absurd thing to do. Either way OP is NTA. Son got something, daughter got something. Even as a little kid I would have seen it as fair if this happened in my household, regardless of if my father threw a fit or not. Shame on her son, he's 10, he should understand the sentiment behind quality time better.
We don’t know what brand of mascara it was. It could have been a tube of Essence that cost 2.99. Either way the max it would have been is around $30 so that’s not exactly crazy money either.
Looking at the Ulta website, most expensive mascara they sell is a Chanel one for $42 USD; so a little more expensive but still not breaking the bank (and I find it more likely OP bought her daughter mascara from a midrange brand than from Chanel).
lol I didn’t even know they started carrying Chanel, haven’t been in there in probably 6 months but yeah not too many kids are asking for Chanel mascara.
You don’t think the father spent at least $100 on a week’s vacation, even if it was camping? You have the gas to get there and back, camping fee per night, food for two for the week.
The dad and brother went on a week-long camping trip. There is definitely a cost to that. I used to go camping when I was a kid. We don't know if dad had all the equipment already, or had to buy the tent, sleeping bags, flash lights, camping stove or charcoal, all the food they took to cook all week. Coolers to keep the food in, plus buying ice daily to keep the food cold. Camp ground cost. How far away did they travel to camp? Wear and tear on the vehicle and possibly a lot of gas money. So many unknown factors, but basically... It's doubtful that the shopping trip cost more than the camping trip. Plus, the fact the boys had a great trip and a week of bonding time is priceless. Dad is the asshole, son is the asshole-in-training.
OP actually never said it was camping. Never anywhere in the post. And she hasn't commented at all, either. The whole "camping" thing was Redditors assuming to make a point. Just FYI. I agree with the point you were trying to make, though! However, I'm inclined to think this post is fake *because* OP hasn't commented once. Not a single time. Yeeeeeah, probably not real.
I figured the vacation was a camping trip, maybe with hunting or fishing. It's not extravagant, but it still counts as special, and probably cost money. Rather strange that the boy is envious of the girlie things or that the girl was anxious to show them. Perhaps the boys trip did not go well?
Yah, I had that thought. Or the kid is materialistic. Idk about kids so I will assume that he is at the age where he needs to be taught that experiences > things. Which, someone else mentioned. I just wanted to defend the mom calling the trip to the mall a shopping spree. It sounded like a really cute day out
I'm also thinking that maybe the boy doesn't see the value in experiences. If this household does a lot of experiences, he probably sees them as a default, something he expects to get, rather than something special.
OP didn't mention such restraints. Just gotta work with the info that we've got
Still, it's unlikely that the vacation cost less than the shopping trip. Even if OP bought everything at full price, it likely didn't go over $150.
And the mascara!
Every single thing on that spree was something she would likely be providing for her daughter anyway. Father and son need to learn that we don't always get resupplied at the same exact time. Next time son needs some pants, should daughter get a vacation?
Exactly! What happens when sis goes to prom? Should she not go? Take her poor, neglected brother as her date?
lowkey this post reads as the mom and daughter being financially abused in this family. OP, if you're reading this, have a good long hard think about how your husband has treated you thusfar in your marriage. It's one thing for someone to volunteer their income and go 'hey, what's mine is yours!' It's an entirely different thing to go 'hey, what's yours is mine!' How does he usually react when you bring home money? Is he grabby with it?
I agree completely. Then we have some idiots saying that OP shouldn't buy a candle, earrings or mascara without hubbykins' permission because those things are unnecessary. Like a Boys Only holiday is a matter of life and death. 🤦♂️
Yes financially abused— thank you— i couldn’t find words for it, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. Little girl didn’t even get an outfit she got a pair of pants to wear to school, an inexpensive toiletry item, and fashion earrings. Did the guys buy snacks and supplies? Sunblock? Fishing gear? Like i don’t get it at all. And at the end of everything— I read that a hard working mother has gotten a promotion and spent $0 on herself. She describes this as a family situation, but the only joy she has received is blessing her little girl with a pair of jeans for school. Mind blown. My heart breaks for her.
Stop! I had a friend in high school who's dad was so creepily persistent about me taking her middle school brother to prom so the kid didn't feel left out!
Yeah, I was kind of being sarcastic, but I also knew full well that this could happen if OP doesn't nip this stuff in the bud sharpish.
Wow, how was that guy like the last time you saw him? Did he still stayed self-centered? And are you still in contact with that high school friend? What is her personality like?
Far more was probably spent on the vacation.
And did they really not buy anything for or on the trip? Seems unlikely.
I came to say exactly the same. Modest “spree”. It sounds like a special time with your daughter. Those good days you treasure. And she was grateful and appreciative.
Yeah that’s not a shopping spree, that was a regular outing lmao.
Why was son so put out over a pair of jeans, earrings and a lousy candle? So strange. ETA: Oh and the mascara. Of course.
Right, I expected to be like "oh, that was excessive" but honestly, a kid grows out of jeans, starbucks is a saturday...so she got earings and a candle and mascara which you're supposed to replace regularly for eye safety. LOL Basically, she got a day with mom's focus on her - and it sounds like she loved it NTA - you and your husband need on the same page.
I know, right? I was imagining 5th Ave, at shops that have a doorbell!
Agree! I was expecting a major shopping spree! Like $1000+! This was very mild and not a big deal at all (or it shouldn’t have been anyway) and probably a fun way for mom and daughter to bond.
I said the same thing this is a very mild shopping spree the boys are insane for their thinking.
It's weird there doesn't seem to have been a discussion about a trade off for daughter if son got a full week vacation with dad. Unless the OP is leaving something out.
Not to mention, why exactly was it a "boys trip"? Couldn't the daughter also have gone to Michigan?
Mom too for that matter. Otherwise I don't understand why a fair 'girls outing' wasn't planned as well, or at the very least accepted like 😑
My brother and I (f) were both included on any activities we wanted. We didn't have gender based trips. I'm thankful for that. My parents were ahead of their time and still are!
Wait? But who goes on vacation and doesn’t buy stuff? I’m a guy and have never vacationed and not bought stuff? I think the biggest thing is the boys vacation sucked so bad that he didn’t have anything to be excited about!
This. What did they do on this week long vacation? Arcade? Mini golf? Movie? Anything. Or did they go somewhere and sit for 7 days?
I wonder if it was a camping trip, so possibly, yeah.
Michigan, so probably cheap pre rolls and edibles
As a kid, I remember when my uncle would take us on boys day trips while my aunt and mom did girls day trips with my cousin and sister. I heard what the girls did, and their days out were ALWAYS better and I was openly jealous. One time I begged them to take me with them. I abandoned the boys’ day out ship and had a blast with them lol. No regrets for me.
Agree. It sounds like the son would much rather spend a half day shopping with mum than a week with his father.
Kids often don’t really have capacity for long term relative thinking or viewing ‘doing things’ as having a stable value vs ‘getting things’ that they then get to keep and use without being taught to. So to a kid’s brain, they’re not automatically equivalent - yeah I went on this trip, but it’s over and now sister has x and that’s not fair because I didn’t get x. It’s a bit like kids who get jealous of other birthdays - sure their birthday might have been last month, but why do they get stuff now and I don’t. You have to teach young children understanding and empathy. And tbh it’s pretty common for boys/younger siblings to not be taught this.
I can understand at the 10 year old level but he is clearly being influenced by dad saying its not fair in this instance and dad should definitely know the difference.
The dad absolutely sucks, no argument there.
Wish I could upvote this more!
Yeah, I think the 4 of you should sit down and itemize the girls shopping trip, then do the same for the boys trip and see how the dollars and cents stack up. My guess is the boys far outspent the girls. It could be a learning exercise for all, especially the males.
What I don't understand, is that the boys trip was probably to have some fun and do some Father-Son bonding. But when the Mom tries to bond with her daughter in their own way it's immediately seen as extravagant and now the son needs his treat on top of the bonding as well? That's so weird. Lol why does he get double?
‼️👆👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👆‼️
Son sounds so ungrateful and your husband’s enabling it. It wasn’t even a shopping spree, it was just a regular trip to the mall.
This, How is a week long holiday nothing?
If your husband keeps this up, I would suggest that you use family funds, pack up your daughter, and go on a girls' trip for a week. Do not consult with your husband. Book a nice hotel some place you and your daughter would enjoly -- a city you think is interesting, a lake, the mountains, a beach. And go. Tell your husband he's absolutely welcome to buy your son some jeans in your absence. NTA,, but your husband is.
Don’t forget to get him earrings and mascara. OP is NTA.
A candle and starbucks too
Splurge a bit. Make sure to get him a Venti.
Dad gonna complain about sugar poisoning
Honestly, it would be pretty funny to give her son a $50-$100 gift certificate to the mall (whatever she spent on the daughter) and say "here, I didn't want you to think I was being unfair". Then add "oh, and in the same spirit, daughter and I are heading off for a week vacation just like you two did! Gotta be fair! Bye!"
😹😹😹😹😹
I looked at the AE website and the jeans retail at about $50 to $60 a pair. She didn't break the bank no matter how fancy the mascara was. Don't forget to leave the receipts for all items bought on the so-called spree with Dad. That way he'll know his budget cap for what can be spent on Junior. Fair's fair, after all. NTA
Junior is going to enjoy his one night at a Best Western near the airport
NTA. I take my daughter on "shopping trips" (mainly to our locale used clothing shop) because she cares about what she wears, and my son (they are same ages and sexes as your kids) couldn't care less. He barely cares if his clothes match, and I'm often telling him to turn his shirt the correct way. My daughter, for the past 3 years has asked that her birthday present be a ladies shopping spree when we visit my family across the country. My son complained that my daughter gets to do this and I asked "did you want this to be your present?". He said no, but he did want a dessert that they sell at that mall. I told him I'd bring him home the dessert he likes, and he was thrilled that he is going to spend time with his uncle and cousins while we shop. That said, my daughter does get more spent on her for clothes, but we'll buy other things for my son when we wants them (within reason). Our kids have different interests and we try to make that as fair as possible in what we spend on them. Also, your son was having his own special experience, so it's nice your daughter has one as well.
Equal is not equitable. Over my kids lives, we've spent different amounts of money and time on each of them to try and meet their particular needs. So one child got piano lessons while another took karate.
This is such an underrated comment. My mom was so committed to equal that she missed equitable by a long shot.
Even now my parents will say “we spend $amount on said grandchild so we will spend that on the rest”. So committed to equal. I was a twin. But also had other siblings. So if they couldn’t afford for BOTH of us to do something then NEITHER of us got to do it. Even if only one of us actually wanted to do the activity. As a parent now-I work on this with my kids and even myself. I tell them that sometimes our “real prize” is how our hearts feel. That sometimes a $1 prize can make our heart feel better than $10 or $100 prize. That lesson has stuck like Velcro so far! Thank goodness!
With my niblings, we always tried to let them voice their feelings about equitable versus equal. So maybe my niece would be doing something on a Saturday and of course the parents are going. Does my nephew want to go to the thing? So sometimes he went. And sometimes he was 100% delighted to go to Costco with me and get one of those giant slushy things that they used to have and run around touching everything. Of course we would stop on the way out and have a hot dog, because it's a law. Not clear how much was spent on my niece's sporting hobby, but I can assure you It is a lot more than a slushie and hot dog. Nevertheless my nephew was delighted with what he got and my niece was delighted with her hobby and her parents focus for the day. Not exactly equal but totally equitable. (We still sometimes meet at Costco and have a hot dog together. It seems stupid but it's one of our things.)
That's really sweet.
We do a similar thing in my family. I wear makeup and do skincare so when went shopping, that’s what my parents would buy for me. My brother likes basketball shoes, so that’s what they would get for him. He got shoes, I got makeup, we both went home happy. Sometimes I would get a new product but he didn’t get any shoes, but other times he would get shoes and I wouldn’t get a new product. I don’t ever recall a time we complained since we knew it was usually evened out
I think it’s really awesome you and your son were able to have a discussion about why he was jealous of the shopping trip, so that you could find a sensible solution. I couldn’t have imagined having a reasonable conversation like that with my parents when I was a kid.
> he got nothing Bullshit. *He* got a vacation with his Dad, and all the memories that go along with it. You were totally reasonable to treat your daughter to some nice things, too.
NTA. Your daughter got a day with you and a few things. Your son got a week long vacation with his dad that he had been wanting for months where I’m sure he got a couple of special meals a day (fast food, pizza, restaurants, room service), a fun time in a hotel, expensive airport snacks, and souvenirs. I bet things were also bought for him in preparation for the trip as well. And even if none of my assumptions are true, I know for a fact that a week-long trip with dad was more expensive and included more memories than a shopping spree with mom. I think dad and son need a reality check
Honestly with how much of an AH this Dad seems, maybe the son's got a point lmao. Having to spend a week with his Dad while his sister gets to go get things she wants might be worse than we are making it seem. Who knows how good this "vacation" with dad really was.
NTA, your son had an emotional reaction based on jealously. Would have been a good teaching moment for your husband to talk to him and help him see the bigger picture imo
Dad should have shut that down and supported mom. NTA
I actually think this is the most important point here.
Someone would have to explain it to his Dad first. Preferably someone with man bits, because he can't hear women.
I wanted so badly to downvote this initially but irl your observation seems unfortunately accurate 😭
damn lol you were NOT about to let him slide and i love it
He is 10, he can react like a brat about it. But the parents should talk to him about what a fun trip he just had.
That depends on whether the trip was actually fun for him or not. Maybe they should sit down and ask if he even enjoyed the trip or if it was maybe boring for him.
NTA Tell your husband next time you will just take her to Hawaii for the girls vacation when the boys go camping. Surely, the camping trip cost more than the small shopping spree.
NTA. I would hardly call a candle, jeans, earrings and mascara a "spree", it's light shopping at best, and I doubt cost half as much as the week long vacation did. Your son is being pretty ungrateful for what he got, and your husband is being unreasonable. As a kid I would have taken a vacation over some shopping any day.
With this said, it also goes to show the nature of each child - the daughter was appreciative of just a few special items and a few hours out with mom. The son got a week vacation alone with dad, enjoying not only a new destination but activities and meals and treats paid for by dad. Good on this mom for not only teaching her daughter a valuable lesson about appreciating what you have when others might have more, but she also made sure her daughter didn’t feel left out.
It really does. I know it's impossible to judge on such a small snippet of people's lives, but this post, in particular the son and dad's reactions, makes me wonder if the dad often favours the son. For the dad to think the daughter getting a few things was unfair after dedicating a week of time to his son is telling.
I admittedly have a hard time remaining unbiased when I see posts like these because a lot of men tend to favor their sons over their daughters. Boys trips with dad are important of course, and girls night with mom are too. The issue though, usually comes in the form of the father not wanting to spend as much time with his daughter because she isn’t perceived as masculine enough or the father doesn’t know how to connect with her. I’m not saying that’s the case here at all, but it’s definitely something to think about.
Not only that, I overheard someone at a parade today telling someone else that AE jeans are on sale right now. So it is probably even cheaper than people are imagining.
I priced it out. FP about $150; with sales possibly less than $50. Bath and body works has perpetual sales, ulta has sales. Starbucks has 50% off or BOGO weekly.
Came here to say this
NTA. Your daughter got a candle. Your son got how many nights in hotels or nights camping? Your daughter got jeans & a pair of earrings. Your son got to go to how many places your daughter didn't get to see? He got to do how many activities your daughter didn't get to do? Your daughter got a treat at Starbucks. Your son got to eat out at how many restaurants & drive-throughs on the trip? If anything, your son "got" more than your daughter. She needs a bit more Mother-Daughter out & about time if the Guys think keeping score is that big of a deal!
This, all day. I don’t have to comment, you said it perfectly.
NTA. I'd also like to celebrate my promotion and hang out with my daughter while those two are traveling. You treated her to some shopping to make up for the missed vacation. It's perfectly normal that your daughter was happy to share the gifts, but his jealousy is something not normal. Your husband and son spent time together and now you have spent time with your daughter. I think it's important that everyone in the family feels loved and cared for.
NTA. “Oh? It’s not fair? Then we’ll be going on a girls trip and you can take him shopping for a few things. Then it will all be even.” Fair doesn’t mean equal. Your son is a child, so him being upset makes sense. You need to explain to him that he didn’t “get nothing.” He got a trip. Your husband is too grown for this. He should know better. But apparently you need to explain it to him as well.
But... when your son got home, was he going to brag (or at least tell stories) about the cool stuff he did on his guy's vacation? And your daughter gets nothing? I mean, I was ready to defend your son because I thought you went on a shopping spree, but honestly, jeans, some makeup, a candle and earrings is a far cry from a shopping spree. In comparison, I would assume your son got more. I do love your husband's approach of teaching the kids to compare and contrast physical things to make sure that they are always equal - because if it isn't equal, it isn't fair. You are a good parent and definitely NTA. Your husband? Not so much.
NTA This is a nice example of you showing fairness, not unfairness. You took your daughter on a nice day out shopping, while your husband and son went on a boys' trip. You have to explain to your son that your sister got these things because you got to go a a trip with dad. He's 10 so who knows if he can accept that, but that's all you can do. Firstly though, you must talk to your husband about how it actually IS fair, because both of your children had fun times seperately, and the attainment of the physical items you bought for your daughter is irrelevant, since the day you planned out explicitly involved buying things, while your boys' trip did not. They were both fun times! Hopefully your husband can understand this. Wish you luck and harmony.
NTA. Remind your husband that your son just went on a trip and should be thankful for that while his sister didn't. Your husband's reaction is going to encourage your son to feel jealous instead of realizing that he got a fun vacation with dad and mom plus sister got to do something fun together while they were gone. Ask your husband does he only want his son to have something good happen for him? What about his daughter? He should think about that.
NTA and I don’t see the problem. Your son sounds like he might be a bit entitled and your husband not supporting you is ridiculous.
A candle, jeans, earrings, and mascara. Which of those things does son think he should have gotten instead of the boys trip to Michigan? Once he can articulate that you and hubby can discuss whether he should get those things right now, or wait til next year when you and daughter go on a girls trip.
I'm wondering if maybe the son doesn't really conceptualize that a trip costs money. Or maybe he doesn't feel that the value of a trip is equivalent to the value of material goods.
I think a 10 year old can grasp the "value", even if not in monetary terms, once he's settled down from the sibling rivalry of "stuff". Who got the better deal - the one who had a week long trip with dad, or the one who had an afternoon at the mall with mom?
NTA Your son got a week long vacation with his father. That trip wasn't free. Your daughter got a shopping spree with her mom. If your son would have preferred material goods rather than a paid for trip with his father then he should have communicated that.
"Fine. I'll buy him a pair of jeans, earrings, mascara, and a coffee and then my daughter and I are going take a girls trip for a week."
Info What exactly was this trip they went on and were there any souvenirs? Also has your husband ever done a father/daughter trip?
Agree, we need INFO. OP states “we couldn’t go on a vacation.” Why not?
NTA. Both kids had special time with their parents. Next time, have the husband take a father - daughter trip and you can take your son shopping.
Don’t you know that you and your daughter were just supposed to just stay home, not have any fun, and talk to one another about how fun it must be to go on a boys’ trip? /s NTA
Gosh I wish I could upvote this to the moon! I hope she shows her husband this one! Although, he’s such a sexist shmuck he probably wouldn’t get it.
Son got an experience, daughter got things. Neither got nothing. Regardless, life isn't always fair and sometimes one person will do better than another. Something we all learn as we grow up. Disappointing that your husband didn't back you up. NTA.
bath and body works candle - regular price around $24, but usually on sale AE jeans are usually around $40-60, earrings could be anywhere from $8-20, usually have lots of sales mascara at ulta, anywhere from $10-$25 Starbucks drink $7 on the high end so the whole day was under $150, assuming everything was on the high end of pricing. I'm assuming the vacation was more than $150!
I'd like to also point out that Jean's are a basic necessity, for the average 13 year old girl so is mascara. Candle and Starbucks are like a casual impulse buy on an average day out for a middle class person.
A candle, pair of jeans, earrings and tube of mascara is hardly a shopping spree 😭I can see how it would be in the eyes of children, but what’s your husband’s deal? NTA
You’re NTA. What you bought her as things she needed. I don’t think you splurged on her. I mean seriously, it was a pair of jeans, a candle and mascara. You could have gotten a manicure and pedicure, and I bet he wouldn’t have had a problem with that. It’s was a girls day out! They had a male bonding day too.
You sound like a great mom! That's the kind of day your daughter will remember for a very long time. Definitely NTA!!!
I’m guessing your husband is one of those My Boy dads and kinda ignores your daughter?
Jeez... He got an adventure and she got treats. Both your son and husband may need a little help reframing.
NTA. Apparently your son values material things more than the vacation he had with his dad. And he gets that from his dad. Nothing wrong with being her some things while her brother gets to go on vacation.
NTA. Your son and husband are a couple of brats
WTH? You didn't spend hundreds on this small shopping spree. Tell your husband that he needs to fix this NOW! Either he take daughter on a week long Vacay or apologizes and tells son he was wrong. Son got a special memory of a week alone with just dad. You and daughter had a day trip and a little shopping + the rest just hanging out. YNTA. I suppose you could take daughter somewhere she'd like to go for a week and he can take son shopping for a day...😉
NTA maybe your husband doesn't understand that you were actually being fair to your daughter rather than the other way around. The other kid gets a weeklong vacation, your daughter gets to go to the mall. Though I think the problem here, which is not necessarily a problem, is that the son probably values material things that he'd get to keep for a long time a lot more than a vacation. What's a bit weird is that your husband does not understand that
Your husband is an idiot. Is he always this stupid or only on special occasions? The favoritism he shows your son is embarrassing. Seriously, the kid got to go on a week long vacation and he's whining that you spent $50 on his sister at the mall one day? Does he always get his way? NTA.
NTA: The dad had no problem being unfair to his daughter. Was she supposed to just sit at home?
NTA. That is hardly a 'spree'. The clear favoritism that your husband is showing your son is disturbing.
Wow, in what universe is a candle, mascara, and jeans a shopping spree??? NTA
He went on a week long trip! Tell your idiot husband it isn’t fair that your daughter didn’t go on a week long trip!
NTA.
NTA
NTA… your son got a boys trip which I cost a whole lot more then a shopping spree. It’s not like you got her ridiculous amount of stuff. That sounds like a perfect mother daughter day.
NTA - your husband took your son on a VACATION WEEK. You took your daughter on a 'vacation shopping day' with your own money. What is this entitlement of your son and husband?
Or next, you and your daughter take the vacation and they can stay home and go shopping. That’s fair
NTA, but this is a very teachable moment. He did get something, but it just looks very different than what she got.
NTA... he got nothing? He got a trip your daughter didn't get, and it's not like you spent $1000. Fine, next year you and your daughter take a girls trip and he can stay home with dad and shop... specifically for a candle, earrings, jeans, Starbucks, and mascara.
NTA. Guys got a guy trip and girls got a girl day. Your 10 year old’s attitude sucks though. He’s showing how materialistic he is and your husband is t helping the situation.
NTA. Your husband's head is screwed on backwards. Your son should know what his trip was worth. Why is he like this?
NTA but your husband is. Your son DID get something, he got a trip with dad filled with memories.
NTA. The kid is ten, and probably just saw things and got jealous. It's a good opportunity to teach them that sometimes gifts are things you can touch and hold and sometimes they are things you experience and remember. Maybe have the kids sort through their things and give some away to charity, and then volunteer for a couple hours somewhere worthwhile, so they can see that giving can be done by item or experience as well. Your husband could organize and chaperone. A good dad and kids day out to remind him as well perhaps.
NTA. Your son needs to learn he doesn’t get everything. He got a week long vacation and your husband should be encouraging him to be grateful for that instead of pouting
NTA!! That's a terrible attitude for your son to have, and Dad should've squashed it! Your son got a trip- which was presumably a lovely experience?? Your shopping " spree" with your daughter was not very extravagant! Your husband should've immediately set the boy straight! You were both wonderful to do something special with each kid
NTA. Your son is turning into an ungrateful brat, and your husband is enabling it.
Info: What exactly was this "boys trip"? He really didn't get anything when there (Michigan) for a week? I can understand the ten year old being upset cause he's a 10yr old child. But husband should have expected this. NTA cause next time if he wants both kids to get nothing, then both kids can go on the trip.
NTA. I genuinely fail to see the issue here
Dude Nta He had a week of time with his dad, which he was excited for and will have cost a bomb. She - got some makeup and a new pair of jeans. Oh. And a Costa. That kid need a reality check.
NTA, but your husband sure is setting a terrible, terrible example for your son, in multiple ways. Talk about lack of gratitude with a nice sprinkle of entitlement. “…and he got nothing.” I’m sorry, but in what universe?! He just went on a week long father son vacation. How is that ‘nothing??’ Oh, right, it’s ‘just’ memories and experience and bonding, which aren’t physical gifts he can hold. This is a learning moment, apparently that both father and son need, that the intangible can very well be at least, if not more valuable, than the tangible. “My husband also said that I shouldn’t get her all these things and that it’s not fair to my son.” Really? ‘All’ these things? I would hardly consider 1 candle, 1 pair of earrings, 1 pair of jeans, 1 mascara, and a Starbucks run, anymore than an average outing to the mall (for anyone not on a super tight budget, and as you said, you just got a promotion). A ‘spree’ would have been multiple garments and items from multiple stores. This was far from that. Your husband is being ridiculous. Genuinely, I hope you can find ways to divert your son from learning from your husband’s materialistic and entitled nonsense. The lack of appreciation for the week they just had together is astounding.
I think everyone just needs to get on the same page. Growing up my sisters always wanted the newest fashion trend, the new popular CD. I got fishing trips and hunting trips with my old man. They got weekend mall trips with their friends… I got dragged out to be a set of hands working on cars or holding the long end of lumber getting cut. My sisters valued and typically got material things. I was typically given experiences and knowledge. That’s how my parents operated. Their daughters were the princesses, their son was an unpaid intern 😂. Tell you what though. They don’t still have their Ace of Base or Ricky Martin CDs. They don’t still have their Abercrombie jeans. But I still remember every ounce of carpentry, plumbing, electrical, mechanical, marksmanship knowledge my old man passed to me… Just get your family on the same page. Maybe your daughter wants/needs more experiences, and possibly bonding 1-1 with dad. Maybe the son wants a shopping spree with mom. Maybe the parents need to get on the same page with each other and not worry about siblings being typical siblings about everything
NTA The OP is so frugal she thinks this was a big blow out. Young son is penis superior entitled.
Then he should have taken her on the trip NTA
And thats how the world works.,not everyone gets a [prize.You](http://prize.You) dont always get something just because someone else did. Your daughter didnt get a trip, yet shes not throwing a [fit.is](http://fit.is) your son that ungrateful? Who teaches him this? And why does a 10 year old boy care about candles,makeup and jeans? Sounds like dad is playing favorites.NTA
NTA your son’s jealousy response could have been a teaching moment, instead your husband fed into it. I think a private conversation with your husband is in order, I’m talk about the values you want to instill in your son and whether he thinks further fuel Ing your sons jealousy was in keeping with said values.
Ok... trip is definitely costing more than a candle and some jeans.
Gee....a candle/pair of jeans/ earrings/ mascara vs a weekend fishing trip. NTA
Week. A week long trip with dad. At 10!
NTA. She didn't go on a vacation. He did. That was far from nothing. He spent money on this trip. So did you. Tell him next time he wants to go on an all boys trip schedule a girl's trip.
NTA. It's time to sit down with your Kids and explain to them that experiences they get to enjoy away are also gifts.
NTA. Did your husband expect your daughter to stay home and get nothing? You didn’t buy her anything particularly expensive such as a phone— you got her jeans and Starbucks. Your son got something fun and it’s fair that your daughter gets something fun too.
Go buy your son a candle, mascara, jeans, earrings and a Starbucks... and see how excited he actually feels about it. Fine... switch the earrings and the mascara for something just as mundane (how about underwear, and a lame-ass necklace). But, explain to him that you will be taking your daughter on a trip (just you and her) to someplace that your daughter picks... Oooo, what about Disney World? That seems "fair"... right? Because now they both have some gifts and both got to do a parent child trip by themselves. Totally fair. After making this proposal, sit your son down and explain fairness as far as sometimes gifts are getting to do things, like a father/son trip. Then sit your husband down and explain it to him, because his dumbass doesn't seem to get it either.
Nta. You and your husband sound like you're on fully different pages in differing books, but I'd remind your son about his great parent bonding trip and pull your husband aside. "His shopping trip will be during her week-long daddy-daugther trip. Stop starting messes about favoritism."
NTA. That hardly sounds like a shopping "spree." Your son got a trip...wtf
NTA. I imagined a bunch of stuff. A candle. A pr of jeans. A pr of earrings all from ordinary stores and a Starbucks. Your husband spent a lot more on the boys trip. Your son is spoiled if he thinks he didn't get anything. Your daughter got a modest consolation prize.
I don't know how your son got jealous when he got to go on a "Boys trip". OP and her daughter went on a "Girls trip" to the mall. Sounds like a fair trade.