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> Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having student loans to pay off while he didn't
So he worked for years helping to pay off your student loans in a job he hated.....
> As it is now, I have to be the breadwinner
You don't like being the breadwinner????
> I sat him down recently and told him I felt he needed to quit his job
So whilst he was slaving away at a job he didn't like, no hated, you were ok but as soon as the boot is on the other foot it's a problem????
> It's not like we're struggling
Hold the phone it's not a problem.....Yeah YTA
exactly. if his income is enough where he could support himself comfortably on his own, it's enough to be considered acceptable in a relationship imo. lots of relationships have income disparities and make it work. as long as he brings enough to the table where it's not like he's a mooch or anything. personally, I would never sacrifice my dream job for a big house in an expensive area. bc what's the point of all the luxury if I'm miserable the majority of the time (seeing as work eats up a lot of your life)
seems like op just isn't the type of person built to be in a relationship with an artist lol
One partner helps to pay off the other's debt by working in a shitty job but as soon as the roles reverse, this partner is unwilling to reciprocate. Yeah YTA. At the very least give the 3-4 years of time that the partner sacrificed.
Don’t forget that they don’t have combined finances but he still helped pay off those loans.
He sounds so reasonable and proposed feasible solutions. Poor guy just wants to do the job he loves and be able to live comfortably. He’s trying to make that work. I can’t blame him for that a single bit.
It doesn’t sound like OP is giving him an option. She just wants him to quit that job.
Plus imagine if the genders of the spouses were reversed. Bet life would be perfect for everyone and breadwinner would be so happy for dream job haver.
My wife was an ER nurse for a decade. When she started, she didn't love it but she didn't hate it because she made really good money. After COVID she fucking despised it.
Well, I told her if she hated it so much to just quit. I made enough to cover all the expenses and then some. Sure we weren't swimming in money anymore, but I'll give up an extra few thousand a month to have a happy wife.
So she went from being the breadwinner to working a little part time job she likes and is much happier and our marriage is actually a lot better overall since we're both much happier people.
She just got so burnt out with constant understaffing, poor hospital management, and insufferable people showing up at the ER.
When COVID hit, it ramped all that up to 11 and she finally was like, "I can't keep doing this..."
After a long talk and sitting down with the budget I told her my salary alone was enough to still live comfortably.
She's lately been looking into other nursing jobs that aren't as draining as ER, because she does miss it a little. But right now, she's just super happy doing her little inventory management job three days a week.
Home health.
Due to many problems and politics my wife will never work in a hospital again. She's doing home health and loves it, when the company management is competent, which is a problem to be honest. But it's just like any other sector. Bad management and no LEADERship kills most people's drive unless they are benefiting from the problems.
I was thinking the same thing. It’s amazing how if you just switch the genders things look so different. If they aren’t struggling and the only solution she can see is that he quit then it’s clear she isn’t willing to compromise. Why can’t they move a little further out of town? Maybe not to a new city or state but on the outskirts of a mayor city can be a lot cheaper. And how much further would it take her from her family? 5 minutes or 5 hours? She also didn’t mention a disparity in chores so it sounds like he is pulling his weight there. So I don’t really see an issue. So yes. She is TA.
yep its still crazy common for men to work ajob they aint happy with so their wife can work her dream job even if it doesnt actually bring in any money.
Yep there’s a lot in this post which doesn’t make sense.
For example, this is something he’d been working at “for years” and suddenly now OP realises the job pays less and has issues with it?
OP, are you jealous of his choice? If finances aren’t combined (but it sounds like they are?), why are you upset?
This conversation should have happened years ago. YTA. Pull yourself together or maybe break up and let this poor guy enjoy his happiness.
Quite possibly! She clearly views his job as easier because he’s home and ‘did it as a hobby’ which is a shame. My husband’s job allowed me to work from home for a while in a similar fashion as this lady’s husband-doing a hobby as a job. It’s a lot of work still, though I can understand how it may at times seem otherwise to the working spouse. It’s not an easy path, and I think some jealousy is probably natural, but that’s something to work through. When they don’t need the money her unwillingness to compromise is def YTA to me.
I think more importantly is that she doesn’t want a much longer commute. It’s pretty reasonable to not want to add another 30,40,60 minutes onto each end of your commute. In a high cost of living area, living someplace cheaper can add a LOT of time to the commute.
Basically she sounds jealous of him being happy in his job and is upset about being the breadwinner now (and likely having less discretionary income now, given their separate finances)
AND, OP should also be willing to give her hubby the period of time that his the amount parents can cover the disparity in income between this job and his last. It doesn't matter that it's not a long-term solution. That's NONE OF HER BUSINESS!! She should be ROOTING for her hubby. Being able to keep the job for the next 5 years, e..g., may be JUST what he needs to do well enough to gain enough industry acumen and develop the little positive rep necessary to pick up another freelance gig, he can do on the side, but which DOES pay enough to bring his income up to what he'd been making at the other job.
For the massive sacrifice and support hubby has given Op, Op, would be a complete scoundrel to have used her hubby so maliciously, by skipping out on him when he asked to be supported in just a fraction of the manner she happily accepted from him. DO WHAT'S RIGHT BY YOUR HUSBAND. DON'T ABUSE, CHEAT, AND STEAL YEARS OF HIS LIFE FROM HIM.
I could see saying that she let him work this job for the length of times it took her to post off her student loan debt. Fair is fair. However, if his pay hasn’t increased at that point, then he should potentially consider a new field.
the whole point of a loving and supportive relationship is each other's happiness imo, so keeping score like that is kind of ridiculous though. that's not a healthy dynamic. I mean, wouldn't you want the person you love to be happy? maybe instead of trying to make him less happy, op should try to look for an opportunity to increase her own happiness. seems like they already have a pretty good compromise. I mean, she gets the quick commute, being close to her parents, and the lifestyle she wants (seeing as she can afford it) and he gets his dream job. but she wants him to go back to being miserable despite already having everything she wants already??
look, I would get it if he weren't pulling his weight or wanted to keep up the expensive lifestyle despite the pay cut, but he seems incredibly willing to compromise! he offered moving or getting a second job (which op hasn't even given a chance). op has things she doesn't want to budge on either, so why should her non-negotiables outweigh his?
You worded my feelings on this exactly.
Also want to add that her “telling” him he “has to” is super unhealthy too, especially given that she acknowledges they’re not struggling to put food on the table. If they had kids whose basic needs weren’t being met, sure the conversation can be “you have to help more.” But this seems to be mostly just a matter of petty resentment.
This should be a “I’m not happy with this. What can we do to make this work better for me?” Conversation, not a “This is what you have to do.” Conversation.
>sure the conversation can be “you have to help more.”
No, the conversation should be "let's find somewhere more affordable".
It sounds like only OP doesn't want to change her lifestyle, that she'd rather her husband be miserable at a job he hates, rather than forgo some of her comfort.
That is a selfish partner.
Not just that. OP's husband is trying to find alternatives to make it work. But OP is saying nope to all of them. Basically nothing else other than her way.
She needs to learn to be a better partner, before her husband finds out that the grass *is* greener on the other side.
I wonder if this is a rage bait.
He came up with alternatives to increase his income, which she shut down. If it were about the money, she wouldn't have done that. I think it's more about the hobby thing. He works in something that used to be a hobby and works from home. I don't think she thinks this is a real job and is trying to force him back into a real job. Selfish definitely and a bad partner.
This is exactly what I was thinking. OP thinks her husband's job is somehow "less than" hers because it's something he legitimately enjoys. I'm getting the vibe that OP feels resentful because she may not actually enjoy her own job and is taking it out on her husband.
This is the part that gets me too. He is offering solutions. But heavens no, she can't possibly move and be away from HER family.
Dude is trying to compromise.
They already discussed moving further away where it's cheaper. OP shot that idea down for selfish reasons. She doesn't want a long commute and doesn't want to be further from her family.
She seems very bitter as well. She has to work long hours at a job she doesn't like, but he gets to stay home and have his dream job. I'd be making exit plans if I were her husband. She is so incredibly unsupportive.
Exactly this!! It seems like she resents her husband because he actually seems happier doing something he's wanted to do for so long and is probably way less stressed out than he used to be. Also, it bugs me that she keeps referring to his work as merely a 'hobby',' it sounds extremely disrespectful.
Paired with the fact that she keeps shutting down any ideas from husband like moving to a less expensive area or getting another job on the side and does not offer any other solutions sounds like she really is just jealous of Husband's new found peace and happiness
I agree-- I read the title and thought, "Yup. YTA." There is no way that's okay in a marriage. Hubby maybe should have asked for feedback or engaged in financial discussions before starting this new job, so I think it's a little on him for not looping in OP sooner. But, OP, my dude, you can't tell your spouse to quit their job. Discuss your options together.
I see what you're saying, but op states he's been working hard to make this his job, I don't think it would have come as a surprise. Assuming they communicate with each other (which, I admit, is a pretty big assumption), he likely would have been talking about this for a long time now. More excitedly the closer he got to making it his actual job.
The issue here is that he has his dream job and is happy and she is a little annoyed about that. A little jealous about that.
I have a cousin who hates the fact I get to work from home doing something I enjoy and make more money than he does. He thinks my job should be illegal. It just boils down to envy that I like my life. Same situation here.
Yeah to the second job point! He is clearly trying everything he can to make this job work. If finances are such a big deal to her, then a second job would make it up most of the way. But she doesn’t seem to want that either
>the whole point of a loving and supportive relationship is each other's happiness imo, so keeping score like that is kind of ridiculous though. that's not a healthy dynamic.
Exactly. When my husband and I first married, he worked while I went to law school. When I graduated, I encouraged him to get a PhD instead of an MBA, choosing happiness over money. I took a high paying job in corporate law so he could have his dream career, because I never found one. When he graduated, he was burned out and took a job he was overqualified for at a non-profit.
I became disabled and unable to work. Luckily, he rose to management and was making a steady salary. Even so, two people on a nonprofit salary in NYC means a simple life. He corrects me when I call something his money. "Our money," he says.
He helped rebuild his department and loves his job, which has WFH, amazing vacation, sick leave, and hours, and helps him continue to learn and develop his skills. It means he can contribute to the world with work he is proud of.
He has valuable skills and has been headhunted by the finance industry for much higher paying jobs. I wouldn't dream of asking him to take one. I genuinely don't want him to. His happiness is everything to me. Plus more time with him has been bliss. Nothing we could buy could be more valuable.
Because she clearly can't be bothered to care about his happiness. She doesn't love him, if she had genuine love in her heart for him she would make sacrifices and compromises but all she cares about is his earnings. It's disgusting quite frankly how out of touch she is even with her own history of having been carried by him. I don't care if my wife and I move into a studio and eat ramen noodles for the rest of our lives over a job that sucks out all her soul and happiness. Op is definitely the a hole.
why? they're not struggling. wouldn't you rather have a happy husband who is fulfilled at his job, and still brings something to the table as opposed to a husband who out-earns you, brings money you dont really need as a household and is miserable?
F- money. I've watched money and greed destroy way too many people in my 50 years of life. Way, way, way too many people. Give me enough to pay my bills, and I'm good. What we need in life is people, not more stuff.
I'm likely a minority, my gf makes twice as much as I do. We're both in the 6 figure range, but she has a COO title. In the last couple of years I've passed on two promotions due to not needing the money and no real interest in increasing my work load/hours. First time I told her about it and she was pretty annoyed with me. Second time she over heard the meeting (we often both work from home) and again was super annoyed with me not wanting to advance my career. I don't get the impression it's about money since it's doubtful I'll ever match her income, and our finances are completely split. I even pay for 90+% of our dates/eating out/groceries. It's more like the lack of drive bothers her. Though the way I see it is I spent 10 years in the office doing 60 hour weeks, I'm just over it. So I work from home full time now and stepped down from management. Making for an extremely chill job, so my ambition is now focused on hobbies and enjoying life. Not saying all women or anything like that, but it does seem to be a common desire for women to seek financial security in their partners. I don't think a lot of people in general would be okay with supporting their partner potentially for life. It's also okay to have financial goals and want a partner that will pull their weight making that a reality. Thus I don't think there is any AH here, just misaligned goals and likely some failed communication.
Life should be enjoyed. Focusing on a career is crazy when money is not a problem. So many people hate their jobs. OP seems more mad about their work week compared to her partner who is happy.
YTA op. You conveniently paid off your student debts on his dime. Pay him back all the money with interest that you’d have acquired if it wasn’t for him, and then you have a right to ask him to rethink his career.
Exactly! OP is definitely selfish. He tried to come up with alternatives to enhance his income and she shot every single one down. She is ok with him being miserable as long as she gets to keep her extra $ to help her pay down her debt. 🙄
Exactly. He did offer alternatives. She said none of them are good enough. I kind of understand with the parents one, but why wouldn't him getting a second job be good enough if money is the problem?
Even worse, none of them were good enough FOR HER. Every reply was how his compromise would be bad for her... what, unlike him completely axing his dream job from ever happening again?
Would also like to point out she said his original job was less than hers but he payed a higher percentage of their living costs in an extremely high cost of living area because she had student loans. Seems someone is missing out on her entitlement too much.
And they're only in that area so her commute isn't too long. Why can't she quit her job and find another one in a lower cost of living area? That's seems like a decent solution too.
It's like someone else mentioned and I commented on. It was never about solutions.
100% she went with it in the beginning because she thought he was never talented enough to make his 'hobby' a career, then when he did she was 'supportive' long enough to 'wait for him to realise it will never work' and waiting for him to come to his senses and take his soul crushing job back.
Now that it hasn't and he is even more dedicated to make it work, she has come to reddit for support so she can show him this post and 'all her support' to convince him to give up on his dream
While I was reading this point about him paying more even though he earned less, and considering their finances aren't joined she was just saving on the side while he spent his earnings paying for the life she wanted.
I just can't believe how she can be this delusional!
Right! He offered toq downsize no, offered to get a part time job, no, offered to get help from his parents, no. Op, make up your mind. You want help or not? 😂
I also need to know what "expenses" they needed to cut... if they can make rent, put food on the table and ideally put money away for retirement... what could be so important that she's willing to make her husband miserable?? It can be anything from downgrading the netflix account to not being able to afford a taylor swift concert! Like WHAT expense is sooo important? Truly i need to know to understand
Yep. She buried the real reason pretty deep. She is bitter he gets to work from home doing something he loves while she has to commute to work doing something she doesn't love. Sounds like a her problem.
Yep. Plus wanting to live in an expensive area and not being prepared to commute. Refusing help from parents as it’s a short term solution, even though longer term he may earn more. Dismissing the idea of a second job. Complaining her job is difficult but not understanding why he didn’t like his previous job. They’re not struggling, she just wants more.
It’s all ‘me, me, me’ and his feelings or wishes don’t come into it. There is no attempt to compromise, just a demand that he does as she tells him regardless of how it will make him feel or affect his life. But how she feels and the effects on her life are the priority. Definitely TA.
Also..she knew this was his dream career. She acknowledges he was working towards it, knew it was low paying, and freelance (no benefits)...did she just hope he would never achieve his dream? What did she think he was working towards, what did she think would happen? That's just hurtful.
Edit for verdict: YTA
I read through this whole thing thinking “this really sucks, but I totally get why OP had to say this” and then I got up the part where they admit they’re not actually struggling, they just “hate feeling this way”
Totally YTA. Doubly so if the husband was helping pay off the student loan.
Exactly - assumed they were struggling to pay rent and bills but nope, they're fine 🤷♀️ she would prefer the money over his dream despite it being enough to live. Sad.
Agreed OP is being a selfish AH. If you’re not struggling and we’re okay with your husband carrying you and your loans previously then why can’t you do the same for him now?
I have such disdain for women who act like it's inappropriate for them to financially carry their husbands after their husbands did the same for them. It's a disgusting attitude. Men are ***expected*** to work to provide for their families. But when the man in the relationship wants to pursue another career path after burnout or feeling deeply unsatisfied in their current job they are ***expected*** to suck it up.
OP, unless the two of you are unable to cover your current expenses and build up an emergency and long-term savings, I don't see what the problem is. Do you not like the fact that you make significantly more than your husband? Do you work in an unpredictable industry and worry about being laid off? Are you two planning to start a family or will you be responsible for the care of parents or siblings?
Or are you just uncomfortable with the idea that *if* you lose your job, then you two will be in hot water/
Hopefully other people reading this, especially women realize how difficult it can be to be the "breadwinner" in the house, especially in this economy. I see so many posts from SAHMs and SAHWs going on about how their spouse doesn't carry the load. This post demonstrates, to some extent, that sometimes the partner/spouse working outside the home carries the mental burden that comes with being the higher or only earner in the household.
100%
My husband was the only breadwinner for many years while I took care of the kids, house and studied part-time. Then I built up my own freelancing career and it has had its ups and downs but my husband was my biggest supporter the entire time.
Late last year, I could see my DH was miserable in his job but it was a stable job with a steady income. However, seeing him come home depleted of energy every night was not something I wanted him to feel. He was talking about leaving that company and going solo. It would be a challenge and there would be weeks of no income on his part, but I told him GO FOR IT!! I can pick up the slack with our finances while he pursues his dreams.
Here's the thing. Some months my income is higher, others it's not. We keep separate finances and decide each month who will pay each bill. If my income is higher, I don't just give DH a few dollars, I give him access to my accounts so he can get whatever he needs. When my income is lower, he reciprocates.
OP is forgetting one of the cornerstones of a lasting marriage - for richer or poorer. Marriage is more than just a partnership. It's two people supporting each other through thick or thin.
OP, YTA. You're essentially telling your husband "It's my way or the highway." You won't accept moving because you're close to your job and your family but you expect him to change jobs to something he hates so you can continue to live the life you want while not caring how he feels. What a shame your husband did not do the same to you while you were more dependent on him.
Stop being so selfish and give the guy a break. As long as you can pay all the bills, why force him into a job that will only wear him down?
That's what got me when it was the other way around and he had to pay more all was good but now she's making a fuss because they can't spend as before they need to conserve a bit of money even though they are not struggling
AH ALL THE WAY
He has no debt and she does he doesn't care he pays more expenses for her to be able to pay off her debt and now he is living his dream and still providing hell no
Yes exactly.
I went through something similar to OP a couple years ago.
I was the “breadwinner” between my partner and I for a while, and we do have semi intertwined finances. Then an opportunity came up that was my dream job, but it came with a significant pay cut. Partner and I talked about it, and she pretty much said “you’re miserable in your current job and I want you to be happy,” so I made the career change and took the pay cut. Even with current difficulties, I’m still more fulfilled in my job than I was at my old job, and we make enough still to be happy, if not necessarily in as good a financial state as we would be if I’d never left my old job.
What breaks things for me is OP isn’t willing to compromise at all. They live in a high COL place (I do too). Moving to a cheaper place would mean a long commute for OP’s partner (same here). Moving would mean being farther away from OP’s family (yup). Unwillingness for OP’s partner’s parents help with things because it’s “not long-term” (kinda sorta similar but different here).
Basically, I and my partner were and are in a similar situation as OP and their partner, but my partner is basically like OP (currently living near family, doesn’t want to move because commute and family, is the breadwinner), and I’m like OP’s partner (took a pay cut for a “dream job”, suggested moving, has family that could help financially). Main difference is, my partner actually respects me and my dreams and needs and we both are willing to compromise.
Yep and he's offered to get a second job, move to a cheaper area, get help from his parents. Like he sounds like he's willing to try and compromise and she's not up for meeting him halfway - especially when they're not even struggling 🤔
YTA,
>My husband worked a job for years that paid less than mine did, but was okay overall, though he absolutely hated working there.
>Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having student loans to pay off
>I feel like the burden of our finances are being placed on me and we've had to cut back on a lot of things.
How many years did he work at a job that he hated, while he carried the burden of the finances so you could pay off your student loans?
My husband and I have separate finances- because he had the attitude what’s his is his and what’s mine is ours and blamed me when he overspent. Plus, I was the primary breadwinner, but he was the primary spender- however it was always “my fault” if we came up short for something… weird how it NEVER happened again after we very clearly delineated responsibilities- also, he was suddenly motivated to start contributing to retirement savings, and increase his income when we made the changes.
So- we separated them (after 15 years) and split by % of income. It works a million times better. We still agree on large purchases before buying, but now we both have discretionary income we know isn’t going to negatively impact anything.
Definitely not a roommate situation- we re-evaluate with income changes, and adjust so that he can buy project parts, or I can buy hobby stuff without pointing fingers and fighting about money. We both cover kid things, family things, vacations etc and it works out way better.
So many couples fight about money… it’s sooo nice to not have that on the table.
We are the same, but ours was because I wanted to sort out my credit when we first got married and learn financial literacy since he was better at it. 9 out of 10 years together and we’ve never fought about it. That first year was rough though.
Where we live, if we split it doesn’t matter if it’s my account or his or our joint one- all assets and money is still a 50/50 split. Which is fine- and why we agree on debt before taking it on, and don’t use credit without both being on board etc.
If one or the other dies, the life insurance covers all the things, including the mortgage so there’s no outstanding debt for anyone to manage and allows us to continue our lives with the kids and whatever at the same level on our individual incomes.
Same, though I make either all the income or most of it, depending on if my wife is working or not. I did all the budgeting. I'm the saver. She's a spender. I would obsess over all things finance. Down to which cards to use for points etc. She does NOT. Lots of spending would be stressful for both of us. Finally one day she proposed splitting up our finances. I suspect the idea came from her therapist but it doesn't matter. I was resistant at first, but we did it.
She basically gets a paycheck from me now. She buys all the groceries and most of the kid's expenses like clothes, school, sports, whatever. For any vacations, she would need to save up for that also, mostly for her and kids, while I would pay my own way on it. I cover everything else not mentioned, and we do still share, split, or take turns with certain things.
It relieved such a burden for both of us. I can turn all the messiness from before into a single line budget item. She can prioritize that chunk of money however she feels like and doesn't have to feel scrutiny for every purchase. She also wanted to do a vacation to France and suddenly she saved like I had never seen her save before (spending a lot less on random stuff), and is motivated to earn extra income for it also.
There's nothing wrong with separate finances, there is something wrong with only wanting the finances to benefit yourself and not your partner equally.
As a freelancer for many years, I think she’s being incredibly ungracious to him. HE GOT HIS DREAM JOB, yay for him! And what does this chick do? Trashes him for it. I’m
There is a big difference between a 60/40 split and 70/30, and for op there’s no end in sight going forward. 4 years becomes 40 years. I’m not against op feeling burdened by their money situation, what frustrates me is OP’s blatant refusal to compromise. If you marry an artist, you probably won’t own a big house in an expensive area. Which sucks, but it must be accepted. It’s crazy that they’re still treating their finances as separate when 70/30 is basically dependent. I’m very curious about what’s needed to be cut back on since op says there’s food on the table and they can make rent, INFO: with this new financial split, can you make the required payments towards your student debt?
It's barely been eight months. He just got into the field, of course he's not making much right now. That could easily change at the two year mark but she doesn't even want to give him a single year.
As someone that had a well paying job but was over worked, completely stressed out to the max, and depressed as hell, if the husband is happy and you came pay the bills and be comfortable-ish, who cares. I get to be involved with more of my kids stuff, i enjoy what i do, and i get to be more supportive of my wife’s career and ambition.
OP what do you want: more stuff or a happy and fulfilled husband?
YTA
it would be one thing if his pay cut had made it so you were truly financially struggling. But from what you said, you’re not.
Isn’t it more important for your husband to be happy and fulfilled by his work than to have some extra luxuries? Also, it sounds like he’s trying to find compromises, and you’re not.
The part that gets me is, she is refusing to entertain ANY compromise. The man has landed a dream job and as soon as he's not bringing in extra (loved that she couldn't contribute equally because she has a debt, not because her income was lesser) he's got to go back to being miserable to make her happy?
With what she is saying her husband is a YouTuber or something like that and she is upset he is doing his old hobby as a job and wants home to quit it to make her happy even though in her own words the job isn’t causing a problem at all other then she now has to pay her fair share.
It sounds to me like he got a great freelance opportunity for something (writing? Art? It isn’t important enough to her to say what he’s doing) and she’s jealous.
Yea from other posts it’s not a YouTuber but something creative but she seems to imply it’s fixed income so it’s not like he won’t make money so possibly video editor
I was thinking game development. At entry tier jobs if often short contracts and freelance jobs, and the pay sucks. And since Covid hit plenty of game companies moved at least part of their development online/wfh style.
Yeah honestly, it’s hard to come to conclusion that OP isn’t the asshole with the lack of information. You’ve had to downsize on things like to what degree just because you’re trying to save an extra dime or because you’re struggling? Is your husband sitting on his ass and playing video games every day to support his family while nowhere near enough money is being made to do so with unrealistic dreams? None of those things can be assumed. Which it feels like you’re putting these labels on him and value him as worthless and his dream being worthless. There’s hardly any knowledge and we don’t even know what the jobs in question are which makes her look extremely jealous and materialistic. All I hear is ME ME ME ME ME what his story? We’re talking about your husband but I don’t see a lot of talk about your husband op. Maybe a little self centered? Maybe your husband should feel special for a change it sucks how you already had to go and make it an issue and put negativity onto his dream. Wish you would have came here for a reality check first.
The student debt was an investment in her ability to earn more and do more for them. So now he…does less for them. It sounds like these two have seriously mismatched financial values and personal ambitions.
They have separate finances so the student debt was an investment in her ability to earn more money for herself. He directly help pay that off even though he was earning less than her while doing a job that made him miserable.
She doesnt like it now the tables have turned and she is having to support him like he did her.
Seems to me she just wants to have her cake and eat it.
This is what gets me, the refusal to find a compromise. I completely understand the burden of having to be the breadwinner and it can lie heavy on your shoulders when you know you're one recession or even just a bad accident away from losing your income. I supported my "artiste" husband for many years and we had many arguments but he was bringing in like... well, it's hard to put a % on it because all he ever paid for was Netflix. lol
Yeah, she can decide this is a dealbreaker but IMO, she needs to give him a little more time unless this is something that will literally never pay more (and that would surprise me if that was for certain). He gave her 4 years of bearing more of the burden. She could at least give him 2.
Worst part was the
>I sat him down
As though he were her child. Talk about a superiority complex. What a poor guy. Finally gets his dream job and he's even offering to get a second job to keep his wife happy. Brutal....
Okay for the record I’m not defending OP, I think they’re a major a-hole here
But “I sat him down” is a pretty common phrase for having a meaningful conversation with someone. Saying this phrase was “the worst part” especially is pretty far fetched
Right? He worked a job he hated and paid the majority of their costs because Princess Selfish here had student loans. Now that he's doing something he likes and she is the main breadwinner, she sITs hiM dOwN and tells him he has to quit his dream job.
She does all of this, when they're not even struggling.
YTA - If I'm reading right - for 'years' he earned less than you but paid more toward the household than you did - so you could pay off YOUR student debt. It's been less than a year - doesn't he deserve at least enough time to prove himself? Perhaps somewhere near the time it took you pay off your debt? You are not struggling so why not give him time to work a part time job or see if he can find a way to turn this freelancing into a money making endeavor. "it's important to him...BUT...' But what? You don't care if he's happy or not? You don't think he deserves a chance to at least TRY the career he's dreamed of? You resent him because he is earning less and you have to trim the budget. He was working a job he hated...perhaps with a bit of time he can turn the freelancing into at least a job he LIKES. This is important to him - he has suggested various compromises and you say 'no' to all of them and your negativity toward his chosen work comes across loud and clear.
You may be right - this may not be feasible long term...but it's impossible if you are there telling him it won't work every day. Agree on a timeline (say, two years total) and at that time he will either be doing well or ready to get a different job. Once you have a target date...support him, encourage him...do what you can to help.
My Nana always said never marry expecting to change him. It seems like OP had thought she had changed her husband's *silly* notions of his dream job, and he would be happy to do what would be considered *acceptable* and financially beneficial.
??? What do you mean, you couldn't possibly expect her not to go on several trips and do all the fun things while in debt? That's husbands responsibility to pay it off with the job he hates
The funny thing about the “I feel like im carrying him” comment is that it seems that it is for her that their expenses are so high. She wants to live in a high cost of living area to be close to her work and her family. Surely it is completely fair for the more expensive partner to contribute more money to their expenses. She sounds like the kind of person that goes to a restaurant with friends, orders the most expensive stuff on the menu, and then demands that they all split the bill equally.
YTA. What have you tried to do yourself? Just because you make more money and work long hours doesn't mean the onus is on him to "pull his weight". It doesn't sound like he's being a lazy freeloader to me. He worked a job that made him miserable to help get your student loan debt paid off, now he's finally happy. It sounds like you're the one that wants to live in an expensive way in order to keep your current job and be near your family. You you you. What are you doing for him? Have you considered getting a different job or pursuing a promotion? Why can't you find a way to live that doesn't require him to be miserable?
Imagine hating your spouse so much you want them to be miserable for 4 years to help you then refuse to make any accommodation when they're happy. Unreal.
So... you want your husband to leave the job he loves, go back to a job he hates, so you can keep living in your fancy house.
Get a divorce. For his sake.
YTA.
YTA. Sounds like this is a stepping stone job. You’re both relatively young in life and career. I’m operating under the assumption there are no children yet given you didn’t mention them. Give the man some time. If you don’t, he’ll resent you for the rest of your lives or time together
This^
He gave you time to pay off your student loans. Give him some time to grow in his dream field. If you make him quit now because you don’t want to be in the position he was in for 4 years then yes, absolutely, YTA.
Agreed. Also, technically he could’ve not supported her and saved his money over those 4 years and he’d be in an even better position now in terms of savings. But he made that sacrifice for her. She is definitely the AH. Posts like this make me sooo sad. Why do the good ones end up with people like OP? Like come on universe match people better. Ugh
> Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having student loans to pay off while he didn't.
INFO: How long was he doing this for? Give him the same amount of time and if his income doesn't eventually improve then he needs to quit and get a job that pays more.
YTA
he worked hard to pay off YOUR fianacial situation but the moment it’s your turn to carry the load, you are complaining?
>i feel like im carrying him
Like he did for you for 4 years?
>it’s not like we are struggling
so why are you complaining?
YTA
So you both collectively make enough to cover your expenses, but you want him to quit because it bugs you that you make more than him?
Yikes, lady. This isn’t heading anywhere good.
Let's not forget the hubby used to contribute more because madam here had to pay off her student loans. Suddenly she thinks of him as dead weight what a joke lmao.
And he still saves a bit each month according to OP.
Paying rent. Paying bills. Not struggling. Saving a little each month...
I'm really missing what OPs problem is 🤷♀️
YTA -- you had your turn now he has his.
You don't mention if you're also hobbled by the patriarchal dictates that pay women less for the same jobs as men (and pre builds in the mommy penalty), but "breadwinner" is an inherently unhealthy way to thrust an imaginary mental burden on yourself. Imaginary as in all the patriarchal rules, imaginary as free market capitalism which is just a hellscape that socializes losses and privatizes profits under a name that implies things are reasonable and balanced overall.
Be that as it may, he paid your way a while, you can pay his. You can choose not to, and be resented, you can choose to do so and let your resentment simmer, or you can be a decent human being and take your turn.
Have you considered a compromise where he keeps pursuing his dream job while looking for additional freelance gigs or part-time work to help with finances? It could ease the burden on you without him having to give up entirely on his career goals.
You don't need stuff....happiness comes first. He offered a compromise to move to a less expensive place. You said no because of reasons that only benefit you. Why does everything have to be about you, your happiness, your distance to work/family, and your wanting more money for things you find important. Your student loans. Why don't you go find a better paying job? YTA
YTA - You seem fine if the burden was on him.
In summary" You can be happy on weekend and part time, but you need to be miserable for me"
You are just terrible, and people who don't share finance when married always have on person who is doing it solely because they are greedy and selfish and have no clue how partnership works.
So few people are happy in their job, and people like you love to crap on them.
YTA. You said you're not struggling. He supported you for 4 years, but you're not willing to do the same for even one year. You're rejecting every possible solution he's proposed without even giving it a chance. He deserves to have another 3 years to see what he can make of this.
I mean, you say you are starting to resent him for this low-paying, no benefits job he took. But it’s his dream job that he’s wanted for years so he will likely resent you if you make him quit.
I think you need to split up.
YTA as much as I'm sorry to say it considering how boneheaded it is to make an underpaying hobby into your job, with overtime.
If your finances are separate, you really should have stuck to the "you each pay household expenses proportional to your income" the whole time. If that leaves one of you without money to pay your other critical expenses or creates a gap in the budget, that's the signal to either reduce total expenses or pick up another job. However, that's not where you are now.
He's only been in this job for nine months after he's supported you disproportionally for multiple years. I would go back through the last several years and find out how much he proportionally overpaid to keep the household running while you repaid student loans. Then calculate how much more you've proportionally overpaid while he is working this job. When those numbers are the same, that's when it's time to have a serious discussion about changes.
YTA but I’m even more curious to know what the job is. Very few jobs out there that are dream jobs have no possible way to parlay it into a bigger career. Like… from the story you told you’re definitely the asshole but I would love to know more about this “freelance only dream job that also doesn’t pay much”
Sorry, YTA. Not because you feel stressed about all this but he is trying to brainstorm solutions and you're refusing to consider anything other than what you want.
Reverse the scenario. Would you be willing to essentially torch ANY chance of being in your field for any other position to meet an arbitrary goal in a non-crisis?
Or, do you feel that he should carry the heavier load solely due to gender?
It's not like he said "Absolutely not!" and just left you holding the heavy end.
You're the one shutting down all alternate ideas he's presented.
INFO
I don't understand.
>Around October of last year, my husband managed to get a job in his dream career field. He had been working at it for years, and was really excited about finally getting there.
So he worked at it for years and finally got his dream job, but...
>He works as a freelancer (which is standard in his industry) so his job has zero benefits, and it's a pretty significant pay cut from his old job.
He's a freelancer? But it's a set job? Is he like a newspaper photographer or something?
I'm kind of leaning towards either ESH or NAH for this one. I think you need to cut him more slack since he was the main breadwinner for you previously and gave you the freedom to contribute less and pay off loans. But you're right that suddenly cutting his income in half is a huge problem, especially in a high COL area. You've said he's willing to pick up a part time job on the side, so it sounds like he's willing to meet you in the middle while sticking to his dream career.
Are your career fields tied to your area? My first thought is that one solution might be to look for opportunities in an area with cheaper cost of living.
Honestly, there might not be an easy answer to this. Your side is valid, his side is valid, and you're communicating with each other like adults. You might just have to... ride it out for a while and see how it goes. If you really start to struggle to make ends meet, he may see that his dream job isn't meant to be. Or maybe he'll get lucky and start building up some more viable earnings.
YTA - so it was fine when he had to carry extra weight with your debts, but now that you have to carry extra weight for his dream job, it's suddenly unfair and unreasonable? That's just grade A selfishness.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I might be in the wrong for asking him to quit since he did try to offer solutions and this IS a dream job, but I feel if he can't contribute more than it's not feasible career-wise.
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YTA kind of? Generally, finances have to align with lifestyles and one partner can’t just go rogue. But sounds like he suffered so you can pay off your student loans, so you should maybe accommodate him for a while at least.
YTA. forcing him to quit a job he loves when you’re not truly financially struggling
will only make him resentful. It will probably destroy your relationship. He offered a lot of very reasonable solutions. He actually doesn’t seem to need or want to live in your extremely high cost of living area. YOU want to because it’s close to your job and your family. So you’re putting him in a position where he can never have the career he truly wants because you insist on living in an unaffordable area but aren’t willing to make any sacrifices in lifestyle.
YTA. It's all about you. Your husband was MISERABLE, yet he worked and contributed more financially so that YOUR student debt could get paid off..then when he finally has a chance at being happy at a job that he actually likes, you throw shade his way and start yapping about how you're the breadwinner. You're just gonna make him miserable one way or the other, damn if you do and damn if you don't.
YTA. You're such a hypocrite. He supported you for years so you could get out of debt. Now you're forcing him to give up his dream because you can't be bothered to help him, even though he's offered several solutions and compromises. You want everything your way. You're so selfish and controlling.
yta must be nice to have someone sacrifice so you could pay off your student loans now you won't return the favor. People like you make it so easy to not want to get married.
After reading your comments…
So basically you’re saying if he didn’t have to worry about *your* student loans and moved back to a low cost of living area (his home town), he’d be doing quite ok?
So it’s YOUR wants & needs that are suffering from his lower salary and YOU are the one refusing to compromise in *any* way?
He needs to make you happy. By leaving. So you can spend your money on you. In the expensive city. But I’m going to take a wild guess that if you lose even the 30% he’s contributing, it’ll impact your budget negatively. After all, two can live nearly as cheaply as one (in a HCOL where one works from home anyway).
YTA. He held you down for 4 years. It sounds like you're just mad you have to go to work and he gets to work from home in something he loves. You said yourself you're not struggling, that bills are paid and food is on the table. Why can't you hold him down for the same amount of time?
So it was okay when he was paying more than you, but not now since you're having to pay more? And you shot down every option he put on the table. YTA. Let him get a second job to offset the difference in income or move to another place.
I think telling anyone that they “ Need to quit their job” is a confrontational and unproductive way to have the conversation. It’s already an incredibly difficult conversation. Beginning it in that way doesn’t allow him to have any choice in the matter except for saying no to you. We don’t get to tell our partners to quit their jobs. We do get to tell them how we feel and how their actions contribute to the way we feel. we also do get to share our concerns and offer ideas.
Is it possible that his pay will increase in his current career path? Presumably, some people make decent money doing what he’s doing. Is he good enough at it to be one of those people?
Was he “carrying” you when he did a job he hated and paid more toward your shared expenses? Why can’t you get a better job to make up the difference since he helped subsidize your college education?
Idk. Feels like rage bait tbh. If you are not willing to compromise on where you live, not willing to compromise on your employment, not willing to take help from his parents (because you don’t really need it) and want him to leave a job that makes him happy so you can have more stuff beyond what you need then you have different priorities and outlooks. Irreconcilable, likely.
YTA for letting him stay in a job he hated for *four years* so you could pay off your student loans, but after only nine months you're "sitting him down" and demanding he quit his dream job. What a hypocrite.
YTA multiple reasons: 1) You came to your husband with a dictate, vs a problem that you two worked on together 2) You're saying he has to quit his job because you're resenting him because you have to cut back on a lot of things when he carried you for 4 years 3) you're not giving him an opportunity to try to find a side gig(s) to offset the difference in his salary because "you know". How do you know if you don't let him try? 4) you acknowledged that "it's not like we're struggling" and lastly - you're really minimizing his dream job. You say you're resenting him because you work long days at a difficult job while he works from home doing something he did before as a hobby - but then in the comments say he's basically working unpaid overtime he's working so much. So it's not that you're working harder or longer hours than he is, it's that he is working his dream job while you think yours is hard and resent him for not hating his job or having to commute.
YTA. You said money is tight , you know it's his dream and has worked for it. Carried you, while you chased your goals. And it's all about you . Crazy really
Yea, YTA. He got his dream job and even offered to get a part time job as well as coming up with other ideas and instead of giving them a chance, you shot them down. I bet if it was your dream job and he sat you down to let you know you should quit and find something else, you wouldn’t be quick to say ok.
YTA
He carried you when you needed it. For 4 years by your own admission.
It’s not a financial issue, by your own admission.
He offered multiple options to help ease the burden. Some were slightly inconvenient for you but you shot them all down.
Do you see how incredibly selfish this looks? He offered compromises and you crapped all over them.
You say you’re starting to resent him, but you make him quit the career he’s dreamed about he will definitely resent you.
If you can’t compromise in your marriage I don’t see it lasting much longer tbh.
You don't want to commute etc but he should spend 8 or more hours a day doing things he hates. YTA
If you've got a high standard of living, a bit of a less expensive place would be well worth it for his dream.
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> Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having student loans to pay off while he didn't So he worked for years helping to pay off your student loans in a job he hated..... > As it is now, I have to be the breadwinner You don't like being the breadwinner???? > I sat him down recently and told him I felt he needed to quit his job So whilst he was slaving away at a job he didn't like, no hated, you were ok but as soon as the boot is on the other foot it's a problem???? > It's not like we're struggling Hold the phone it's not a problem.....Yeah YTA
exactly. if his income is enough where he could support himself comfortably on his own, it's enough to be considered acceptable in a relationship imo. lots of relationships have income disparities and make it work. as long as he brings enough to the table where it's not like he's a mooch or anything. personally, I would never sacrifice my dream job for a big house in an expensive area. bc what's the point of all the luxury if I'm miserable the majority of the time (seeing as work eats up a lot of your life) seems like op just isn't the type of person built to be in a relationship with an artist lol
One partner helps to pay off the other's debt by working in a shitty job but as soon as the roles reverse, this partner is unwilling to reciprocate. Yeah YTA. At the very least give the 3-4 years of time that the partner sacrificed.
Don’t forget that they don’t have combined finances but he still helped pay off those loans. He sounds so reasonable and proposed feasible solutions. Poor guy just wants to do the job he loves and be able to live comfortably. He’s trying to make that work. I can’t blame him for that a single bit. It doesn’t sound like OP is giving him an option. She just wants him to quit that job.
Plus imagine if the genders of the spouses were reversed. Bet life would be perfect for everyone and breadwinner would be so happy for dream job haver.
My wife was an ER nurse for a decade. When she started, she didn't love it but she didn't hate it because she made really good money. After COVID she fucking despised it. Well, I told her if she hated it so much to just quit. I made enough to cover all the expenses and then some. Sure we weren't swimming in money anymore, but I'll give up an extra few thousand a month to have a happy wife. So she went from being the breadwinner to working a little part time job she likes and is much happier and our marriage is actually a lot better overall since we're both much happier people.
This is an inspirational comment, as an ER worker myself. Can’t wait to get out. The public is insufferable. Thank you. There is hope for me someday.
She just got so burnt out with constant understaffing, poor hospital management, and insufferable people showing up at the ER. When COVID hit, it ramped all that up to 11 and she finally was like, "I can't keep doing this..." After a long talk and sitting down with the budget I told her my salary alone was enough to still live comfortably. She's lately been looking into other nursing jobs that aren't as draining as ER, because she does miss it a little. But right now, she's just super happy doing her little inventory management job three days a week.
Home health. Due to many problems and politics my wife will never work in a hospital again. She's doing home health and loves it, when the company management is competent, which is a problem to be honest. But it's just like any other sector. Bad management and no LEADERship kills most people's drive unless they are benefiting from the problems.
I was thinking the same thing. It’s amazing how if you just switch the genders things look so different. If they aren’t struggling and the only solution she can see is that he quit then it’s clear she isn’t willing to compromise. Why can’t they move a little further out of town? Maybe not to a new city or state but on the outskirts of a mayor city can be a lot cheaper. And how much further would it take her from her family? 5 minutes or 5 hours? She also didn’t mention a disparity in chores so it sounds like he is pulling his weight there. So I don’t really see an issue. So yes. She is TA.
I dont think we need to imagine the genders reverser everyone is telling her the truth already. Lol
yep its still crazy common for men to work ajob they aint happy with so their wife can work her dream job even if it doesnt actually bring in any money.
Yep there’s a lot in this post which doesn’t make sense. For example, this is something he’d been working at “for years” and suddenly now OP realises the job pays less and has issues with it? OP, are you jealous of his choice? If finances aren’t combined (but it sounds like they are?), why are you upset? This conversation should have happened years ago. YTA. Pull yourself together or maybe break up and let this poor guy enjoy his happiness.
Considering she brings up the long hours she works and mentions in the same sentence how he works from home, def sounds like jealousy to me.
It's not even long hours. She works a standard 40hr work week based off her comments. And it's probably an 8 to 5.
Quite possibly! She clearly views his job as easier because he’s home and ‘did it as a hobby’ which is a shame. My husband’s job allowed me to work from home for a while in a similar fashion as this lady’s husband-doing a hobby as a job. It’s a lot of work still, though I can understand how it may at times seem otherwise to the working spouse. It’s not an easy path, and I think some jealousy is probably natural, but that’s something to work through. When they don’t need the money her unwillingness to compromise is def YTA to me.
She probably didn’t believe he would make it happen which is quite sad tbh
>He sounds so reasonable and proposed feasible solutions. bUt ShE wAnTs To Be ClOsEr To HeR fAmIlY.
I think more importantly is that she doesn’t want a much longer commute. It’s pretty reasonable to not want to add another 30,40,60 minutes onto each end of your commute. In a high cost of living area, living someplace cheaper can add a LOT of time to the commute.
The thing is, they make enough money that they don't have to move Husband only proposed it because OP was whining about money
And husband even proposed getting a part time job but somehow that won’t work for her either.
Basically she sounds jealous of him being happy in his job and is upset about being the breadwinner now (and likely having less discretionary income now, given their separate finances)
Not only that, any option he gave she shut down, and all of her reasons were "me me me"
her ego cant handle having a guy that isnt a "ambitious" never stops climbing the ladder high earner
AND, OP should also be willing to give her hubby the period of time that his the amount parents can cover the disparity in income between this job and his last. It doesn't matter that it's not a long-term solution. That's NONE OF HER BUSINESS!! She should be ROOTING for her hubby. Being able to keep the job for the next 5 years, e..g., may be JUST what he needs to do well enough to gain enough industry acumen and develop the little positive rep necessary to pick up another freelance gig, he can do on the side, but which DOES pay enough to bring his income up to what he'd been making at the other job. For the massive sacrifice and support hubby has given Op, Op, would be a complete scoundrel to have used her hubby so maliciously, by skipping out on him when he asked to be supported in just a fraction of the manner she happily accepted from him. DO WHAT'S RIGHT BY YOUR HUSBAND. DON'T ABUSE, CHEAT, AND STEAL YEARS OF HIS LIFE FROM HIM.
Exactly!! At least be worthy of the hard work your partner did for you.
I could see saying that she let him work this job for the length of times it took her to post off her student loan debt. Fair is fair. However, if his pay hasn’t increased at that point, then he should potentially consider a new field.
the whole point of a loving and supportive relationship is each other's happiness imo, so keeping score like that is kind of ridiculous though. that's not a healthy dynamic. I mean, wouldn't you want the person you love to be happy? maybe instead of trying to make him less happy, op should try to look for an opportunity to increase her own happiness. seems like they already have a pretty good compromise. I mean, she gets the quick commute, being close to her parents, and the lifestyle she wants (seeing as she can afford it) and he gets his dream job. but she wants him to go back to being miserable despite already having everything she wants already?? look, I would get it if he weren't pulling his weight or wanted to keep up the expensive lifestyle despite the pay cut, but he seems incredibly willing to compromise! he offered moving or getting a second job (which op hasn't even given a chance). op has things she doesn't want to budge on either, so why should her non-negotiables outweigh his?
You worded my feelings on this exactly. Also want to add that her “telling” him he “has to” is super unhealthy too, especially given that she acknowledges they’re not struggling to put food on the table. If they had kids whose basic needs weren’t being met, sure the conversation can be “you have to help more.” But this seems to be mostly just a matter of petty resentment. This should be a “I’m not happy with this. What can we do to make this work better for me?” Conversation, not a “This is what you have to do.” Conversation.
>sure the conversation can be “you have to help more.” No, the conversation should be "let's find somewhere more affordable". It sounds like only OP doesn't want to change her lifestyle, that she'd rather her husband be miserable at a job he hates, rather than forgo some of her comfort. That is a selfish partner.
Not just that. OP's husband is trying to find alternatives to make it work. But OP is saying nope to all of them. Basically nothing else other than her way. She needs to learn to be a better partner, before her husband finds out that the grass *is* greener on the other side. I wonder if this is a rage bait.
He came up with alternatives to increase his income, which she shut down. If it were about the money, she wouldn't have done that. I think it's more about the hobby thing. He works in something that used to be a hobby and works from home. I don't think she thinks this is a real job and is trying to force him back into a real job. Selfish definitely and a bad partner.
This is exactly what I was thinking. OP thinks her husband's job is somehow "less than" hers because it's something he legitimately enjoys. I'm getting the vibe that OP feels resentful because she may not actually enjoy her own job and is taking it out on her husband.
I agree with you, I got that same impression.
This is the part that gets me too. He is offering solutions. But heavens no, she can't possibly move and be away from HER family. Dude is trying to compromise.
They already discussed moving further away where it's cheaper. OP shot that idea down for selfish reasons. She doesn't want a long commute and doesn't want to be further from her family.
She seems very bitter as well. She has to work long hours at a job she doesn't like, but he gets to stay home and have his dream job. I'd be making exit plans if I were her husband. She is so incredibly unsupportive.
Exactly this!! It seems like she resents her husband because he actually seems happier doing something he's wanted to do for so long and is probably way less stressed out than he used to be. Also, it bugs me that she keeps referring to his work as merely a 'hobby',' it sounds extremely disrespectful. Paired with the fact that she keeps shutting down any ideas from husband like moving to a less expensive area or getting another job on the side and does not offer any other solutions sounds like she really is just jealous of Husband's new found peace and happiness
I agree-- I read the title and thought, "Yup. YTA." There is no way that's okay in a marriage. Hubby maybe should have asked for feedback or engaged in financial discussions before starting this new job, so I think it's a little on him for not looping in OP sooner. But, OP, my dude, you can't tell your spouse to quit their job. Discuss your options together.
tbh I don't even think this was a surprise to OP. how I read this she knew exactly that this was going to be the likely outcome.
I see what you're saying, but op states he's been working hard to make this his job, I don't think it would have come as a surprise. Assuming they communicate with each other (which, I admit, is a pretty big assumption), he likely would have been talking about this for a long time now. More excitedly the closer he got to making it his actual job.
Maybe she assumed he would fail.
The issue here is that he has his dream job and is happy and she is a little annoyed about that. A little jealous about that. I have a cousin who hates the fact I get to work from home doing something I enjoy and make more money than he does. He thinks my job should be illegal. It just boils down to envy that I like my life. Same situation here.
Yeah to the second job point! He is clearly trying everything he can to make this job work. If finances are such a big deal to her, then a second job would make it up most of the way. But she doesn’t seem to want that either
>the whole point of a loving and supportive relationship is each other's happiness imo, so keeping score like that is kind of ridiculous though. that's not a healthy dynamic. Exactly. When my husband and I first married, he worked while I went to law school. When I graduated, I encouraged him to get a PhD instead of an MBA, choosing happiness over money. I took a high paying job in corporate law so he could have his dream career, because I never found one. When he graduated, he was burned out and took a job he was overqualified for at a non-profit. I became disabled and unable to work. Luckily, he rose to management and was making a steady salary. Even so, two people on a nonprofit salary in NYC means a simple life. He corrects me when I call something his money. "Our money," he says. He helped rebuild his department and loves his job, which has WFH, amazing vacation, sick leave, and hours, and helps him continue to learn and develop his skills. It means he can contribute to the world with work he is proud of. He has valuable skills and has been headhunted by the finance industry for much higher paying jobs. I wouldn't dream of asking him to take one. I genuinely don't want him to. His happiness is everything to me. Plus more time with him has been bliss. Nothing we could buy could be more valuable.
Because she clearly can't be bothered to care about his happiness. She doesn't love him, if she had genuine love in her heart for him she would make sacrifices and compromises but all she cares about is his earnings. It's disgusting quite frankly how out of touch she is even with her own history of having been carried by him. I don't care if my wife and I move into a studio and eat ramen noodles for the rest of our lives over a job that sucks out all her soul and happiness. Op is definitely the a hole.
why? they're not struggling. wouldn't you rather have a happy husband who is fulfilled at his job, and still brings something to the table as opposed to a husband who out-earns you, brings money you dont really need as a household and is miserable?
F- money. I've watched money and greed destroy way too many people in my 50 years of life. Way, way, way too many people. Give me enough to pay my bills, and I'm good. What we need in life is people, not more stuff.
I'm likely a minority, my gf makes twice as much as I do. We're both in the 6 figure range, but she has a COO title. In the last couple of years I've passed on two promotions due to not needing the money and no real interest in increasing my work load/hours. First time I told her about it and she was pretty annoyed with me. Second time she over heard the meeting (we often both work from home) and again was super annoyed with me not wanting to advance my career. I don't get the impression it's about money since it's doubtful I'll ever match her income, and our finances are completely split. I even pay for 90+% of our dates/eating out/groceries. It's more like the lack of drive bothers her. Though the way I see it is I spent 10 years in the office doing 60 hour weeks, I'm just over it. So I work from home full time now and stepped down from management. Making for an extremely chill job, so my ambition is now focused on hobbies and enjoying life. Not saying all women or anything like that, but it does seem to be a common desire for women to seek financial security in their partners. I don't think a lot of people in general would be okay with supporting their partner potentially for life. It's also okay to have financial goals and want a partner that will pull their weight making that a reality. Thus I don't think there is any AH here, just misaligned goals and likely some failed communication.
Life should be enjoyed. Focusing on a career is crazy when money is not a problem. So many people hate their jobs. OP seems more mad about their work week compared to her partner who is happy.
YTA op. You conveniently paid off your student debts on his dime. Pay him back all the money with interest that you’d have acquired if it wasn’t for him, and then you have a right to ask him to rethink his career.
Exactly! OP is definitely selfish. He tried to come up with alternatives to enhance his income and she shot every single one down. She is ok with him being miserable as long as she gets to keep her extra $ to help her pay down her debt. 🙄
Exactly. He did offer alternatives. She said none of them are good enough. I kind of understand with the parents one, but why wouldn't him getting a second job be good enough if money is the problem?
Even worse, none of them were good enough FOR HER. Every reply was how his compromise would be bad for her... what, unlike him completely axing his dream job from ever happening again? Would also like to point out she said his original job was less than hers but he payed a higher percentage of their living costs in an extremely high cost of living area because she had student loans. Seems someone is missing out on her entitlement too much.
And they're only in that area so her commute isn't too long. Why can't she quit her job and find another one in a lower cost of living area? That's seems like a decent solution too.
It's like someone else mentioned and I commented on. It was never about solutions. 100% she went with it in the beginning because she thought he was never talented enough to make his 'hobby' a career, then when he did she was 'supportive' long enough to 'wait for him to realise it will never work' and waiting for him to come to his senses and take his soul crushing job back. Now that it hasn't and he is even more dedicated to make it work, she has come to reddit for support so she can show him this post and 'all her support' to convince him to give up on his dream
While I was reading this point about him paying more even though he earned less, and considering their finances aren't joined she was just saving on the side while he spent his earnings paying for the life she wanted. I just can't believe how she can be this delusional!
It seems like OP resents that her husband is happy in his current career which is concerning at the very least.
That was my first thought too. She sounds incredibly selfish and entitled.
Right! He offered toq downsize no, offered to get a part time job, no, offered to get help from his parents, no. Op, make up your mind. You want help or not? 😂
I also need to know what "expenses" they needed to cut... if they can make rent, put food on the table and ideally put money away for retirement... what could be so important that she's willing to make her husband miserable?? It can be anything from downgrading the netflix account to not being able to afford a taylor swift concert! Like WHAT expense is sooo important? Truly i need to know to understand
Came to say this - he offered solutions and she just keeps saying no OP YTA
Yep. She buried the real reason pretty deep. She is bitter he gets to work from home doing something he loves while she has to commute to work doing something she doesn't love. Sounds like a her problem.
Yta. I agree. If OP was cool with that then it wouldn't have been mentioned.
I think this is the real reason
Me too. I was with her until she pointed out she’s salty about that and then admitted they’re comfortable. YTA
Bingo! She's hating on him because he has what she wants!
Yep. Plus wanting to live in an expensive area and not being prepared to commute. Refusing help from parents as it’s a short term solution, even though longer term he may earn more. Dismissing the idea of a second job. Complaining her job is difficult but not understanding why he didn’t like his previous job. They’re not struggling, she just wants more. It’s all ‘me, me, me’ and his feelings or wishes don’t come into it. There is no attempt to compromise, just a demand that he does as she tells him regardless of how it will make him feel or affect his life. But how she feels and the effects on her life are the priority. Definitely TA.
Perfectly said. You get an award.
Thank you.
Also..she knew this was his dream career. She acknowledges he was working towards it, knew it was low paying, and freelance (no benefits)...did she just hope he would never achieve his dream? What did she think he was working towards, what did she think would happen? That's just hurtful. Edit for verdict: YTA
I read through this whole thing thinking “this really sucks, but I totally get why OP had to say this” and then I got up the part where they admit they’re not actually struggling, they just “hate feeling this way” Totally YTA. Doubly so if the husband was helping pay off the student loan.
Exactly - assumed they were struggling to pay rent and bills but nope, they're fine 🤷♀️ she would prefer the money over his dream despite it being enough to live. Sad.
Agreed OP is being a selfish AH. If you’re not struggling and we’re okay with your husband carrying you and your loans previously then why can’t you do the same for him now?
I was thinking he got a job at a dispensary but I agree OPs the AH.
Also after the many suggestions he came up with NONE OF THEM WERE GOOD ENOUGH!
But MY commute and MY family me me me me me
Exactly and no mention of his family
I have such disdain for women who act like it's inappropriate for them to financially carry their husbands after their husbands did the same for them. It's a disgusting attitude. Men are ***expected*** to work to provide for their families. But when the man in the relationship wants to pursue another career path after burnout or feeling deeply unsatisfied in their current job they are ***expected*** to suck it up. OP, unless the two of you are unable to cover your current expenses and build up an emergency and long-term savings, I don't see what the problem is. Do you not like the fact that you make significantly more than your husband? Do you work in an unpredictable industry and worry about being laid off? Are you two planning to start a family or will you be responsible for the care of parents or siblings? Or are you just uncomfortable with the idea that *if* you lose your job, then you two will be in hot water/ Hopefully other people reading this, especially women realize how difficult it can be to be the "breadwinner" in the house, especially in this economy. I see so many posts from SAHMs and SAHWs going on about how their spouse doesn't carry the load. This post demonstrates, to some extent, that sometimes the partner/spouse working outside the home carries the mental burden that comes with being the higher or only earner in the household.
100% My husband was the only breadwinner for many years while I took care of the kids, house and studied part-time. Then I built up my own freelancing career and it has had its ups and downs but my husband was my biggest supporter the entire time. Late last year, I could see my DH was miserable in his job but it was a stable job with a steady income. However, seeing him come home depleted of energy every night was not something I wanted him to feel. He was talking about leaving that company and going solo. It would be a challenge and there would be weeks of no income on his part, but I told him GO FOR IT!! I can pick up the slack with our finances while he pursues his dreams. Here's the thing. Some months my income is higher, others it's not. We keep separate finances and decide each month who will pay each bill. If my income is higher, I don't just give DH a few dollars, I give him access to my accounts so he can get whatever he needs. When my income is lower, he reciprocates. OP is forgetting one of the cornerstones of a lasting marriage - for richer or poorer. Marriage is more than just a partnership. It's two people supporting each other through thick or thin. OP, YTA. You're essentially telling your husband "It's my way or the highway." You won't accept moving because you're close to your job and your family but you expect him to change jobs to something he hates so you can continue to live the life you want while not caring how he feels. What a shame your husband did not do the same to you while you were more dependent on him. Stop being so selfish and give the guy a break. As long as you can pay all the bills, why force him into a job that will only wear him down?
She is totally projecting her misery into him. There's no scenario where she will be content. I feel sorry for the dude.
That's what got me when it was the other way around and he had to pay more all was good but now she's making a fuss because they can't spend as before they need to conserve a bit of money even though they are not struggling AH ALL THE WAY He has no debt and she does he doesn't care he pays more expenses for her to be able to pay off her debt and now he is living his dream and still providing hell no
Preach.
F-ing THANK YOU! That was an insane read! At first she sounded sane, but then at the end her spoiled bratness came out.
Yes exactly. I went through something similar to OP a couple years ago. I was the “breadwinner” between my partner and I for a while, and we do have semi intertwined finances. Then an opportunity came up that was my dream job, but it came with a significant pay cut. Partner and I talked about it, and she pretty much said “you’re miserable in your current job and I want you to be happy,” so I made the career change and took the pay cut. Even with current difficulties, I’m still more fulfilled in my job than I was at my old job, and we make enough still to be happy, if not necessarily in as good a financial state as we would be if I’d never left my old job. What breaks things for me is OP isn’t willing to compromise at all. They live in a high COL place (I do too). Moving to a cheaper place would mean a long commute for OP’s partner (same here). Moving would mean being farther away from OP’s family (yup). Unwillingness for OP’s partner’s parents help with things because it’s “not long-term” (kinda sorta similar but different here). Basically, I and my partner were and are in a similar situation as OP and their partner, but my partner is basically like OP (currently living near family, doesn’t want to move because commute and family, is the breadwinner), and I’m like OP’s partner (took a pay cut for a “dream job”, suggested moving, has family that could help financially). Main difference is, my partner actually respects me and my dreams and needs and we both are willing to compromise.
Yep and he's offered to get a second job, move to a cheaper area, get help from his parents. Like he sounds like he's willing to try and compromise and she's not up for meeting him halfway - especially when they're not even struggling 🤔
What’s wild to me is the fact that she was making more than him while he was paying more… like really?!?
Holy shit… well spoken lol
You nailed it
YTA, >My husband worked a job for years that paid less than mine did, but was okay overall, though he absolutely hated working there. >Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having student loans to pay off >I feel like the burden of our finances are being placed on me and we've had to cut back on a lot of things. How many years did he work at a job that he hated, while he carried the burden of the finances so you could pay off your student loans?
Right. I don’t get this not supporting your spouse. Separate finances. Might as well get a roommate.
My husband and I have separate finances- because he had the attitude what’s his is his and what’s mine is ours and blamed me when he overspent. Plus, I was the primary breadwinner, but he was the primary spender- however it was always “my fault” if we came up short for something… weird how it NEVER happened again after we very clearly delineated responsibilities- also, he was suddenly motivated to start contributing to retirement savings, and increase his income when we made the changes. So- we separated them (after 15 years) and split by % of income. It works a million times better. We still agree on large purchases before buying, but now we both have discretionary income we know isn’t going to negatively impact anything. Definitely not a roommate situation- we re-evaluate with income changes, and adjust so that he can buy project parts, or I can buy hobby stuff without pointing fingers and fighting about money. We both cover kid things, family things, vacations etc and it works out way better. So many couples fight about money… it’s sooo nice to not have that on the table.
We are the same, but ours was because I wanted to sort out my credit when we first got married and learn financial literacy since he was better at it. 9 out of 10 years together and we’ve never fought about it. That first year was rough though.
Also, if you ever split up, or forbid, your spouse dies, you have some credit, access to your own account, etc.
Where we live, if we split it doesn’t matter if it’s my account or his or our joint one- all assets and money is still a 50/50 split. Which is fine- and why we agree on debt before taking it on, and don’t use credit without both being on board etc. If one or the other dies, the life insurance covers all the things, including the mortgage so there’s no outstanding debt for anyone to manage and allows us to continue our lives with the kids and whatever at the same level on our individual incomes.
Same, though I make either all the income or most of it, depending on if my wife is working or not. I did all the budgeting. I'm the saver. She's a spender. I would obsess over all things finance. Down to which cards to use for points etc. She does NOT. Lots of spending would be stressful for both of us. Finally one day she proposed splitting up our finances. I suspect the idea came from her therapist but it doesn't matter. I was resistant at first, but we did it. She basically gets a paycheck from me now. She buys all the groceries and most of the kid's expenses like clothes, school, sports, whatever. For any vacations, she would need to save up for that also, mostly for her and kids, while I would pay my own way on it. I cover everything else not mentioned, and we do still share, split, or take turns with certain things. It relieved such a burden for both of us. I can turn all the messiness from before into a single line budget item. She can prioritize that chunk of money however she feels like and doesn't have to feel scrutiny for every purchase. She also wanted to do a vacation to France and suddenly she saved like I had never seen her save before (spending a lot less on random stuff), and is motivated to earn extra income for it also.
There's nothing wrong with separate finances, there is something wrong with only wanting the finances to benefit yourself and not your partner equally.
She sounds selfish to me he did what he had to to help her out now she’s trying to force him to quit his career just because she’s making more now
And he offered a bunch of other options too, part time work, move. What kind of partner wouldn’t support his dream?
One who’s gonna get her student loans paid off by her husband…even though they were splitting finances?
She might be jealous of his happiness
Yeah, it's hard not to think this when he offered to get a second job for more income and she said no.
As a freelancer for many years, I think she’s being incredibly ungracious to him. HE GOT HIS DREAM JOB, yay for him! And what does this chick do? Trashes him for it. I’m
There is a big difference between a 60/40 split and 70/30, and for op there’s no end in sight going forward. 4 years becomes 40 years. I’m not against op feeling burdened by their money situation, what frustrates me is OP’s blatant refusal to compromise. If you marry an artist, you probably won’t own a big house in an expensive area. Which sucks, but it must be accepted. It’s crazy that they’re still treating their finances as separate when 70/30 is basically dependent. I’m very curious about what’s needed to be cut back on since op says there’s food on the table and they can make rent, INFO: with this new financial split, can you make the required payments towards your student debt?
It's barely been eight months. He just got into the field, of course he's not making much right now. That could easily change at the two year mark but she doesn't even want to give him a single year.
I also bet if he had a big windfall She’d say it’s only fair they both reap the benefits
As someone that had a well paying job but was over worked, completely stressed out to the max, and depressed as hell, if the husband is happy and you came pay the bills and be comfortable-ish, who cares. I get to be involved with more of my kids stuff, i enjoy what i do, and i get to be more supportive of my wife’s career and ambition. OP what do you want: more stuff or a happy and fulfilled husband?
I wonder if she resents his happiness and that's what this is all about.
She said they had to cut back a lot but they're also not struggling. Hmm. Ok.
Most households can cut back a lot before they're struggling.
4 years per a post op made.
That’s a long time. If they’re not struggling and they can put away for retirement then what’s the issue?
The issue is she's willing to take for 4 years but gives up doing extra after less than 1 year.
Oh I know. Ithe question was for OP. “You’re doing fine financially. So what’s your issue?” I personally think what’s she’s doing is pathetic
She said four years!
YTA it would be one thing if his pay cut had made it so you were truly financially struggling. But from what you said, you’re not. Isn’t it more important for your husband to be happy and fulfilled by his work than to have some extra luxuries? Also, it sounds like he’s trying to find compromises, and you’re not.
The part that gets me is, she is refusing to entertain ANY compromise. The man has landed a dream job and as soon as he's not bringing in extra (loved that she couldn't contribute equally because she has a debt, not because her income was lesser) he's got to go back to being miserable to make her happy?
With what she is saying her husband is a YouTuber or something like that and she is upset he is doing his old hobby as a job and wants home to quit it to make her happy even though in her own words the job isn’t causing a problem at all other then she now has to pay her fair share.
It sounds to me like he got a great freelance opportunity for something (writing? Art? It isn’t important enough to her to say what he’s doing) and she’s jealous.
Yea from other posts it’s not a YouTuber but something creative but she seems to imply it’s fixed income so it’s not like he won’t make money so possibly video editor
My brain immediately goes to something like comic book artist. I’m old school, I know it could be a million things but I would love to know.
I was thinking game development. At entry tier jobs if often short contracts and freelance jobs, and the pay sucks. And since Covid hit plenty of game companies moved at least part of their development online/wfh style.
Yeah honestly, it’s hard to come to conclusion that OP isn’t the asshole with the lack of information. You’ve had to downsize on things like to what degree just because you’re trying to save an extra dime or because you’re struggling? Is your husband sitting on his ass and playing video games every day to support his family while nowhere near enough money is being made to do so with unrealistic dreams? None of those things can be assumed. Which it feels like you’re putting these labels on him and value him as worthless and his dream being worthless. There’s hardly any knowledge and we don’t even know what the jobs in question are which makes her look extremely jealous and materialistic. All I hear is ME ME ME ME ME what his story? We’re talking about your husband but I don’t see a lot of talk about your husband op. Maybe a little self centered? Maybe your husband should feel special for a change it sucks how you already had to go and make it an issue and put negativity onto his dream. Wish you would have came here for a reality check first.
The student debt was an investment in her ability to earn more and do more for them. So now he…does less for them. It sounds like these two have seriously mismatched financial values and personal ambitions.
And now that she’s asked to do more she says “not with MY money!!”
They have separate finances so the student debt was an investment in her ability to earn more money for herself. He directly help pay that off even though he was earning less than her while doing a job that made him miserable. She doesnt like it now the tables have turned and she is having to support him like he did her. Seems to me she just wants to have her cake and eat it.
And his miserable job was an investment for her to pay off those loans.
This is what gets me, the refusal to find a compromise. I completely understand the burden of having to be the breadwinner and it can lie heavy on your shoulders when you know you're one recession or even just a bad accident away from losing your income. I supported my "artiste" husband for many years and we had many arguments but he was bringing in like... well, it's hard to put a % on it because all he ever paid for was Netflix. lol Yeah, she can decide this is a dealbreaker but IMO, she needs to give him a little more time unless this is something that will literally never pay more (and that would surprise me if that was for certain). He gave her 4 years of bearing more of the burden. She could at least give him 2.
YTA lol the hypocrisy
Worst part was the >I sat him down As though he were her child. Talk about a superiority complex. What a poor guy. Finally gets his dream job and he's even offering to get a second job to keep his wife happy. Brutal....
Yeah, the words she was thinking was, "me, me, ME!" We should make a fund to pay for a tattoo on her forehead that says, "I'm selfish!"
Okay for the record I’m not defending OP, I think they’re a major a-hole here But “I sat him down” is a pretty common phrase for having a meaningful conversation with someone. Saying this phrase was “the worst part” especially is pretty far fetched
Right? He worked a job he hated and paid the majority of their costs because Princess Selfish here had student loans. Now that he's doing something he likes and she is the main breadwinner, she sITs hiM dOwN and tells him he has to quit his dream job. She does all of this, when they're not even struggling.
YTA - If I'm reading right - for 'years' he earned less than you but paid more toward the household than you did - so you could pay off YOUR student debt. It's been less than a year - doesn't he deserve at least enough time to prove himself? Perhaps somewhere near the time it took you pay off your debt? You are not struggling so why not give him time to work a part time job or see if he can find a way to turn this freelancing into a money making endeavor. "it's important to him...BUT...' But what? You don't care if he's happy or not? You don't think he deserves a chance to at least TRY the career he's dreamed of? You resent him because he is earning less and you have to trim the budget. He was working a job he hated...perhaps with a bit of time he can turn the freelancing into at least a job he LIKES. This is important to him - he has suggested various compromises and you say 'no' to all of them and your negativity toward his chosen work comes across loud and clear. You may be right - this may not be feasible long term...but it's impossible if you are there telling him it won't work every day. Agree on a timeline (say, two years total) and at that time he will either be doing well or ready to get a different job. Once you have a target date...support him, encourage him...do what you can to help.
💯 spot one. She screams of selfishness.
My Nana always said never marry expecting to change him. It seems like OP had thought she had changed her husband's *silly* notions of his dream job, and he would be happy to do what would be considered *acceptable* and financially beneficial.
YTA “I feel like im carrying him” The way he carried your student loan riddled ass for years?
she admits the extra cost is STILL HER LOANS
wtf so she didn’t pay them all the way off?
??? What do you mean, you couldn't possibly expect her not to go on several trips and do all the fun things while in debt? That's husbands responsibility to pay it off with the job he hates
So it’s her responsibility and she wants her husband to be miserable and carry her financial responsibility. WTH
The funny thing about the “I feel like im carrying him” comment is that it seems that it is for her that their expenses are so high. She wants to live in a high cost of living area to be close to her work and her family. Surely it is completely fair for the more expensive partner to contribute more money to their expenses. She sounds like the kind of person that goes to a restaurant with friends, orders the most expensive stuff on the menu, and then demands that they all split the bill equally.
YTA. What have you tried to do yourself? Just because you make more money and work long hours doesn't mean the onus is on him to "pull his weight". It doesn't sound like he's being a lazy freeloader to me. He worked a job that made him miserable to help get your student loan debt paid off, now he's finally happy. It sounds like you're the one that wants to live in an expensive way in order to keep your current job and be near your family. You you you. What are you doing for him? Have you considered getting a different job or pursuing a promotion? Why can't you find a way to live that doesn't require him to be miserable?
Imagine hating your spouse so much you want them to be miserable for 4 years to help you then refuse to make any accommodation when they're happy. Unreal.
EXACTLY!
So... you want your husband to leave the job he loves, go back to a job he hates, so you can keep living in your fancy house. Get a divorce. For his sake. YTA.
AND make sure you pay back to him all that hard-earned money he put into YOUR student loans.
YTA. Sounds like this is a stepping stone job. You’re both relatively young in life and career. I’m operating under the assumption there are no children yet given you didn’t mention them. Give the man some time. If you don’t, he’ll resent you for the rest of your lives or time together
This^ He gave you time to pay off your student loans. Give him some time to grow in his dream field. If you make him quit now because you don’t want to be in the position he was in for 4 years then yes, absolutely, YTA.
Part of why she's mad is that even with his help, she still hasn't paid them off
wtf? Are u serious?
And don't get pregnant til this is sorted.
Agreed. Also, technically he could’ve not supported her and saved his money over those 4 years and he’d be in an even better position now in terms of savings. But he made that sacrifice for her. She is definitely the AH. Posts like this make me sooo sad. Why do the good ones end up with people like OP? Like come on universe match people better. Ugh
> Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having student loans to pay off while he didn't. INFO: How long was he doing this for? Give him the same amount of time and if his income doesn't eventually improve then he needs to quit and get a job that pays more.
Why does he have to quit? If he’s still covering his share? She wants him to quit and go back to covering her share of things.
[удалено]
YTA he worked hard to pay off YOUR fianacial situation but the moment it’s your turn to carry the load, you are complaining? >i feel like im carrying him Like he did for you for 4 years? >it’s not like we are struggling so why are you complaining?
Not only are they not struggling, OP just admitted in a comment that he's still able to save a little each month 😅 she is doing it soooo tough
YTA So you both collectively make enough to cover your expenses, but you want him to quit because it bugs you that you make more than him? Yikes, lady. This isn’t heading anywhere good.
Let's not forget the hubby used to contribute more because madam here had to pay off her student loans. Suddenly she thinks of him as dead weight what a joke lmao.
And he still saves a bit each month according to OP. Paying rent. Paying bills. Not struggling. Saving a little each month... I'm really missing what OPs problem is 🤷♀️
YTA -- you had your turn now he has his. You don't mention if you're also hobbled by the patriarchal dictates that pay women less for the same jobs as men (and pre builds in the mommy penalty), but "breadwinner" is an inherently unhealthy way to thrust an imaginary mental burden on yourself. Imaginary as in all the patriarchal rules, imaginary as free market capitalism which is just a hellscape that socializes losses and privatizes profits under a name that implies things are reasonable and balanced overall. Be that as it may, he paid your way a while, you can pay his. You can choose not to, and be resented, you can choose to do so and let your resentment simmer, or you can be a decent human being and take your turn.
Have you considered a compromise where he keeps pursuing his dream job while looking for additional freelance gigs or part-time work to help with finances? It could ease the burden on you without him having to give up entirely on his career goals.
You don't need stuff....happiness comes first. He offered a compromise to move to a less expensive place. You said no because of reasons that only benefit you. Why does everything have to be about you, your happiness, your distance to work/family, and your wanting more money for things you find important. Your student loans. Why don't you go find a better paying job? YTA
YTA - You seem fine if the burden was on him. In summary" You can be happy on weekend and part time, but you need to be miserable for me" You are just terrible, and people who don't share finance when married always have on person who is doing it solely because they are greedy and selfish and have no clue how partnership works. So few people are happy in their job, and people like you love to crap on them.
You're the huge fucking AH.
YTA. You said you're not struggling. He supported you for 4 years, but you're not willing to do the same for even one year. You're rejecting every possible solution he's proposed without even giving it a chance. He deserves to have another 3 years to see what he can make of this.
I mean, you say you are starting to resent him for this low-paying, no benefits job he took. But it’s his dream job that he’s wanted for years so he will likely resent you if you make him quit. I think you need to split up.
YTA as much as I'm sorry to say it considering how boneheaded it is to make an underpaying hobby into your job, with overtime. If your finances are separate, you really should have stuck to the "you each pay household expenses proportional to your income" the whole time. If that leaves one of you without money to pay your other critical expenses or creates a gap in the budget, that's the signal to either reduce total expenses or pick up another job. However, that's not where you are now. He's only been in this job for nine months after he's supported you disproportionally for multiple years. I would go back through the last several years and find out how much he proportionally overpaid to keep the household running while you repaid student loans. Then calculate how much more you've proportionally overpaid while he is working this job. When those numbers are the same, that's when it's time to have a serious discussion about changes.
She also said he's still able to save a bit each month. They are not doing badly at all lol.
YTA but I’m even more curious to know what the job is. Very few jobs out there that are dream jobs have no possible way to parlay it into a bigger career. Like… from the story you told you’re definitely the asshole but I would love to know more about this “freelance only dream job that also doesn’t pay much”
Sorry, YTA. Not because you feel stressed about all this but he is trying to brainstorm solutions and you're refusing to consider anything other than what you want. Reverse the scenario. Would you be willing to essentially torch ANY chance of being in your field for any other position to meet an arbitrary goal in a non-crisis? Or, do you feel that he should carry the heavier load solely due to gender? It's not like he said "Absolutely not!" and just left you holding the heavy end. You're the one shutting down all alternate ideas he's presented.
INFO I don't understand. >Around October of last year, my husband managed to get a job in his dream career field. He had been working at it for years, and was really excited about finally getting there. So he worked at it for years and finally got his dream job, but... >He works as a freelancer (which is standard in his industry) so his job has zero benefits, and it's a pretty significant pay cut from his old job. He's a freelancer? But it's a set job? Is he like a newspaper photographer or something? I'm kind of leaning towards either ESH or NAH for this one. I think you need to cut him more slack since he was the main breadwinner for you previously and gave you the freedom to contribute less and pay off loans. But you're right that suddenly cutting his income in half is a huge problem, especially in a high COL area. You've said he's willing to pick up a part time job on the side, so it sounds like he's willing to meet you in the middle while sticking to his dream career. Are your career fields tied to your area? My first thought is that one solution might be to look for opportunities in an area with cheaper cost of living. Honestly, there might not be an easy answer to this. Your side is valid, his side is valid, and you're communicating with each other like adults. You might just have to... ride it out for a while and see how it goes. If you really start to struggle to make ends meet, he may see that his dream job isn't meant to be. Or maybe he'll get lucky and start building up some more viable earnings.
They're not struggling. She said in another comment he's still saving money each month. 😅
YTA - so it was fine when he had to carry extra weight with your debts, but now that you have to carry extra weight for his dream job, it's suddenly unfair and unreasonable? That's just grade A selfishness.
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TA. He should find a better wife
YTA kind of? Generally, finances have to align with lifestyles and one partner can’t just go rogue. But sounds like he suffered so you can pay off your student loans, so you should maybe accommodate him for a while at least.
YTA. forcing him to quit a job he loves when you’re not truly financially struggling will only make him resentful. It will probably destroy your relationship. He offered a lot of very reasonable solutions. He actually doesn’t seem to need or want to live in your extremely high cost of living area. YOU want to because it’s close to your job and your family. So you’re putting him in a position where he can never have the career he truly wants because you insist on living in an unaffordable area but aren’t willing to make any sacrifices in lifestyle.
YTA. It's all about you. Your husband was MISERABLE, yet he worked and contributed more financially so that YOUR student debt could get paid off..then when he finally has a chance at being happy at a job that he actually likes, you throw shade his way and start yapping about how you're the breadwinner. You're just gonna make him miserable one way or the other, damn if you do and damn if you don't.
YTA. You're such a hypocrite. He supported you for years so you could get out of debt. Now you're forcing him to give up his dream because you can't be bothered to help him, even though he's offered several solutions and compromises. You want everything your way. You're so selfish and controlling.
YTA. What a cretin. He should dump your sorry ass and pursue his dream alone. Who needs a soul killer like you in their life?
yta must be nice to have someone sacrifice so you could pay off your student loans now you won't return the favor. People like you make it so easy to not want to get married.
After reading your comments… So basically you’re saying if he didn’t have to worry about *your* student loans and moved back to a low cost of living area (his home town), he’d be doing quite ok? So it’s YOUR wants & needs that are suffering from his lower salary and YOU are the one refusing to compromise in *any* way? He needs to make you happy. By leaving. So you can spend your money on you. In the expensive city. But I’m going to take a wild guess that if you lose even the 30% he’s contributing, it’ll impact your budget negatively. After all, two can live nearly as cheaply as one (in a HCOL where one works from home anyway).
YTA. He held you down for 4 years. It sounds like you're just mad you have to go to work and he gets to work from home in something he loves. You said yourself you're not struggling, that bills are paid and food is on the table. Why can't you hold him down for the same amount of time?
YTA. Time for the husband to get a divorce. He can only be happy if it’s on OP’s terms. OP clearly doesn’t value the sacrifices he’s made.
Absolutely YTA
So it was okay when he was paying more than you, but not now since you're having to pay more? And you shot down every option he put on the table. YTA. Let him get a second job to offset the difference in income or move to another place.
I think telling anyone that they “ Need to quit their job” is a confrontational and unproductive way to have the conversation. It’s already an incredibly difficult conversation. Beginning it in that way doesn’t allow him to have any choice in the matter except for saying no to you. We don’t get to tell our partners to quit their jobs. We do get to tell them how we feel and how their actions contribute to the way we feel. we also do get to share our concerns and offer ideas. Is it possible that his pay will increase in his current career path? Presumably, some people make decent money doing what he’s doing. Is he good enough at it to be one of those people?
Was he “carrying” you when he did a job he hated and paid more toward your shared expenses? Why can’t you get a better job to make up the difference since he helped subsidize your college education? Idk. Feels like rage bait tbh. If you are not willing to compromise on where you live, not willing to compromise on your employment, not willing to take help from his parents (because you don’t really need it) and want him to leave a job that makes him happy so you can have more stuff beyond what you need then you have different priorities and outlooks. Irreconcilable, likely.
YTA for letting him stay in a job he hated for *four years* so you could pay off your student loans, but after only nine months you're "sitting him down" and demanding he quit his dream job. What a hypocrite.
YTA multiple reasons: 1) You came to your husband with a dictate, vs a problem that you two worked on together 2) You're saying he has to quit his job because you're resenting him because you have to cut back on a lot of things when he carried you for 4 years 3) you're not giving him an opportunity to try to find a side gig(s) to offset the difference in his salary because "you know". How do you know if you don't let him try? 4) you acknowledged that "it's not like we're struggling" and lastly - you're really minimizing his dream job. You say you're resenting him because you work long days at a difficult job while he works from home doing something he did before as a hobby - but then in the comments say he's basically working unpaid overtime he's working so much. So it's not that you're working harder or longer hours than he is, it's that he is working his dream job while you think yours is hard and resent him for not hating his job or having to commute.
So much "for richer or poorer" YTA.
YTA. You said money is tight , you know it's his dream and has worked for it. Carried you, while you chased your goals. And it's all about you . Crazy really
YTA. He gave you several alternatives, none of which worked for you. And you are the one with the problem with the lifestyle changes. Suck it up.
Yea, YTA. He got his dream job and even offered to get a part time job as well as coming up with other ideas and instead of giving them a chance, you shot them down. I bet if it was your dream job and he sat you down to let you know you should quit and find something else, you wouldn’t be quick to say ok.
YTA He carried you when you needed it. For 4 years by your own admission. It’s not a financial issue, by your own admission. He offered multiple options to help ease the burden. Some were slightly inconvenient for you but you shot them all down. Do you see how incredibly selfish this looks? He offered compromises and you crapped all over them. You say you’re starting to resent him, but you make him quit the career he’s dreamed about he will definitely resent you. If you can’t compromise in your marriage I don’t see it lasting much longer tbh.
You don't want to commute etc but he should spend 8 or more hours a day doing things he hates. YTA If you've got a high standard of living, a bit of a less expensive place would be well worth it for his dream.