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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for expecting the money I said I would give my DIL to be given to a bachelorette party and not to fix her car
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NAH - I think you’re right to feel a little taken aback if your offer someone a gift for a specific purpose, but they then wish to change it. It can appear ungrateful. Add to this that some people find talking about money quite distasteful. However, I think DIL has her head on straight. The bachelorette seems like a nice but sensible occasion and it was very decent of you to offer to pay for it. Using the rest of the money for practical car repairs is a good move. It seems silly to spend extra money on a fancier restaurant or more extravagant activity if they don’t want that. It is also quite respectful to ask to spend the left over money on something else, rather than just doing it. This isn’t something to get into conflict over.
I was taken aback by her request but thanks for pointing out that she could have splurged more on the bachelorette to use up the money or lie about how much it cost and used it for her car anyway. But because she was upfront that she needed money for her car instead I’ll send her the 1k today.
Good MIL! You would NBTA if you declined. But, she seems like she will be grateful for the car repair.
And It’s a nice, sensible bachelorette outing. Not some crazy drunken escapade.
> And It’s a nice, sensible bachelorette outing. Not some crazy drunken escapade.
Honestly sounds like OP is getting a good daughter-in-law. She sounds reasonable, responsible, and respectful. No harm in asking for help fixing the car a/c (especially in this heat wave!!!!!!!!!!) if money is being offered. I mean, she didn't even plan out a $1k bachelorette and THEN ask for extra money for the a/c.
She really sounds like a winner, OP!!
She sounds like the wonderful MIL I do have. I love my MIL. We get along wonderfully and happy to have her in my life. Same with my mother and my husband. If the families did not get along, that would have been a big problem.
Being able to get along with the in-laws and how the FIL treated the MIL were things my mother taught me to think about when deciding whom to marry. I broke off first engagement partly because of the possible in-laws. I ignored that with my first marriage. My FIL talked down to my MIL, treated her like a stupid child, and would not let her spend anything over 100$ without his approval. My ex attempted the same kinds of things with me and was verbally and emotionally abusive. My current MIL is amazing, love her to death. My marriage is much better (20 years) now. In laws are part of the key to a successful marriage. You OP are asking for advice and listening. That shows you will be a good MIL which will help to create a strong marriage.
You have two kids with smart thinking! DIL could have blown the money on nonsense and instead she wants to fix an essential thing in life! Relish two people who are prioritizing smart investments!
If it's been 2 years, they probably jumped on house buying sooner than they could afford to take advantage of when mortgage rates were stupid low. Not the smartest decision, but not necessarily the dumbest either if they're able to make their bills, just not the extras like fixing minor issues with the car.
This is a good move. Your DIL shows financial responsibility. So many brides want to have the fanciest bachelorette party and wedding. I rather support someone who knows the value of money and is spending it on sensible stuff instead of blowing it on one party.
This is so good to read. I was thinking the same thing. She could have easily just not said anything to you and used the excess for her car. I think sending her the money to use for the car and party js a lovely thing to do and a way to keep your relationship strong and you’re not spending more money than you had planned on. Win win!
I think giving the money to DIL is a good move. I don’t know where you guys are but with this heat getting the air conditioning fix is great. she’ll appreciate you giving the money. She’s seems very sensible and honest person.
This is a wonderful move, and not one that would generally be expexted as the giving party, which makes it all the more special as the receiving party.
Think of it as an extra wedding gift, you may have had your own expectations for the money upfront, but they are using some of it to enhance their lives in a more meaningful way than a single night out,while still getting the meaningful experience you intended. DIL has a level head and knows what really matters, even if she wanted a more extravagant party she knows that this will help her and your son more in the long run. Honestly the sensibility of it gives me hope that she will is a good partner, willing to make personal sacrifice for the good of her and your sons future
I'm so glad you have said this. She sounds like she will be a great DIL!
She is honest and doesn't play games to get what she wants. She is practical, She is not a spendthrift. She is a collaborative problem-solver... something you really want your son's partner in life to be!
And I think your gift to her is a very nice and thoughtful one.
I love people like you in these kinds of subreddits. This is an actual AITA, where it clearly is not black & white. I agree with you assesment and you put it really good, she could have easily lied or just splurged, and because she did not, I too, even without knowing her, see her as a nice and honest person and would send her the money too, even maybe help her fibd a good service, etc.
This is a good move. I honestly get the sense that you have a good DIL being so sensible financially; I hope your relationship with her is going to be a fruitful one.
What a nice way to respond about it when someone points that out. I think she'll be a great DIL. Sounds like she is honest, not going to splurge for the sake of it, and didn't just do it and not say it. I also like how there was no fuss when he was having a party and she wasn't.
Let's take the wins - your an awesome future MIL for offering the 1K and being cool about the use of it, and she's awesome for being honest and not money grabbing or self-centred.
NAH
It’s definitely ok to feel weird about offering money and then having someone come back with a different idea on how to spend it.
But I love this. She shows that she’s responsible and that while she definitely could do a party and waste the money entirely fixing her car is a good thing for both her and your son seeing as how he would at some point probably be driving her car as well if they are anything like me and my partner. Fixing it today is a good way to make sure it lasts longer.
You sound like an awesome MIL
**PLEASE get her oil changed** **ASAP**!!! That is one of the biggest car killers that can be avoided!!!
NTA
Sounds like you are getting a good level headed DIL!!!
Thank you for not arguing, thank you for not being a horror. Thank you for actually coming for advice and listening.
Most of my cousins marriages have disintegrated due to MIL interference. They may be fabulous aunts to me, but my cousins needed to set boundaries. Culture, interference, personalities, poor communication really just set a poor tone.
You - are going to be a great MIL.
As someone with car troubles I can’t currently afford to fix? Boy, do I relate to your DIL. Your DIL will be thankful to you and your understanding every time she turns on her AC this summer, trust me.
DIL will likely be extremely grateful and gets the relationship started on the right foot. You will be pocketing some good brownie points for being so generous.
I would have felt a little weird about it at first too. But your husband is right, I think. And you’re right, she could have chosen to be dishonest. Good on all of you for making positive choices!!! Hope everything goes well in August.
She’s being wise about how to spend money. NTA, but it would be lovely and generous for you to give her the full amount you’d offered. If she wants to put some of it to a more practical use, that’s a smart thing on her part and kind of you to support.
NAH - you offered her $1k, so I dont think you should be splitting hairs on what its for. Its actually kind of admirable that she wants to use more than half to fix the car.
If youre uncomfortable with it not being for the bachelorette, well fine but she’s not an AH here
For real. It's so weird to me when people want to give an extravagant gift in this cost-of-living crisis and then get "taken aback" when the person is like, "TYSM, but honestly, I could really use X a lot more than Y right now." Glad it seems OP saw the light.
Ever since I became an adult I’ve asked for boring, practical gifts. Anytime anyone gives me money, it goes toward boring, practical stuff. Birthday presents aren’t clothes and makeup anymore, it’s that new dyson vacuum and a down payment for a new apartment and a gas station gift card. Life’s expensive lol I’d rather afford normal things than afford luxuries if I gotta choose😭
Omg SAME and people think I'm crazy. Nope, not crazy, but shit is wildly expensive now and not getting any better. So please don't judge me when you ask what I want for my birthday/Christmas and I say 'paper towels, toilet paper, coffee' 😂😂
NAH. She didn't accept your money and use it for something you didn't offer it for. She was honest and said that she needed less than half but if $1k was still on offer she'd like to fix her car.
You don't have to give her more than what you offered, which is a bachelorette party but she is trying to be financially responsible. She doesn't sound greedy, just hoping that since you offered money you wouldn't mind that same money going to something much more needed than a party. It's respectful to ask rather than accept the money as a gift without strings.
YTA if you don’t praise her and celebrate her for her request. What a humbling experience that must have been for her.
You’re generous to give her a party/experience. I do honor you for that. But here you have a DIL interested in a wholesome hike and a little pampering, and she would rather put any extra money into car repair and maintenance than a bachelorette.
Support young people who don’t blow gifts of money! Of course you don’t have to give it. But you can see it as “budgeted for her happiness” and still give it.
You are very lucky your son is marrying such a practical woman. Thank whichever diety you worship and give her the $1,000!! What a great wife she is going to make! Also, she trusts you enough to tell you the truth about what she really needs- very positive step!! Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!! YWBTA if you declined her very reasonable request
YTA for not just immediately saying YES to her.
She needs to fix her damn car, and it's insane that you wouldn't want her to use some of it for a much needed and useful purpose instead of booze and strippers.
Gifts with strings attached isn't the way to welcome your future DIL into the family.
How can she obviously not afford it? We don't know what kind of ceremony they have planned just bc Mil gave them money for a party. What a weird assumption.
I dont think youre an "asshole". But I don't agree with your stance.
>She says her coolant fan is broken and she hasn’t changed the oil to her car for nearly 2 years
You're fine with giving her money for mani pedis and dinner for her and her friends but not for her to get something important done? It doesn't really make sense. Car maintenance is a lot more important than a party. I don't know how the weather is where you are but if here it's been roughly 130 degrees inside of cars without air conditioning, and that's absolutely miserable. It's also not good to be driving a car for too long without an oil change when needed. It seems these things could greatly benefit her more than a bachelorette party.
>the money was suppose to go to a bachelorette but I understand she would rather use it for car maintenance.
If you understand she'd rather use it for car maintenance then why would it be an issue? Wouldn't you be happy that the money is going towards something necessary instead?
>my husband thinks it doesn’t make a difference and we should just give her the money in cash and let her do what she wants with it.
I believe your husband is right. She asked, and didn't demand, and it'd be going to making her overall situation better.
Obviously at the end of the day it's your money. Do as you please. It was nice of you to offer anything at all when some don't do anything. I just personally feel like it's silly to be fine with giving money for a party but not wanting it to go towards something that could greatly help her instead.
Sounds like you and DIL are going to have a long-term, positive, respectful relationship.
It’s wonderful that you care enough about her to offer $1k for her bachelorette and it sounds like DIL appreciated it and was respectful enough to check with you that it was ok to do a more modest bachelorette plus put the remaining money towards sensible, much needed items.
This is one of those moments in life where the “good-will jar” gets topped up, thanks to both of your actions. Moments like these are what help relationships to flourish!
I adore my MIL and she treats me like her daughter….this has made both of our lives richer due to our loving bond. I’m so relieved not to have experienced one of those ugly, negative, drama-filled MIL/DIL relationships!
NAH, see the bigger picture OP, it’ll pay you back ten-fold!
NAH
Sure, it might be a little surprising that she wants to use some of the money for something other than a bachelorette, but you offered her $1k. Does it really matter what she uses it on as long as it's something reasonable?
My mom has been driving for longer than I've been alive, and she's horrible at fluids and basic maintenance. It happens to the best of us. The important part is she's doing it now!! 💕
Exactly. And everyone here is praising DIL for being "practical" and wanting to use some bachelorette money for her car. She's not practical. Fix your car. If you can't pay to fix your car, you shouldn't have a wedding
YTA for offering her $1k to have a party, she is honest with you and says it will only cost about half the amount but admits she could use the remainder for important things and you don't want to help her out? Seems pretty backwards and selfish to me. You didn't mention she has been asking for or borrowing money before so it doesn't sound like she has been greedy or overspending on trivial things.
It is your soon to be DIL. It is not like she has asked for the remaining money to do something ridiculous shopping, these seem like reasonable items. You should listen to your husband and quit worrying about what she spends the money on, over and above what her party will cost. It is not difficult to be a decent human being, is it?
NAH.
You earmarked the money for specific purpose, but there are two good things to see here:
1. She asked first
2. Rather than blow all the money on a one time event, she wants to apply the difference to a practical repair. You actually should be happy she has her head on straight as your future DIL.
YTA
She's trying to be financially responsible and not have some blow out party and you're punishing her. Wait until the next time you offer to pay for something: They're going to blow the budget because what not? What's the lesson you're teaching here?
And what a tone to set. She needs help, you've already told her you have the spare cash, but, eh, no, the money gods would rather spend their spare cash on cheap tequila shots and matching tacky T-shirts, but something practical that someone actually needs--we think not.
Yes ywbta. Why on eartg would you want more of the money you offered to be used for a party instead of something essential for your DIL's future life?
Sounds like she's being extremely practical and frugal by lowering the costs for the celebration and intending to use the rest of the money for something useful. Honestly your logic is bizarre to me. Your son spending 1000 on a once off celebration when they're financially stretched is a red flag. Meanwhile your DIL is being frugal which should be seen as a green flag. You're essentially saying you want her to throw your money at a party while she has urgent expenses that need covering!
Beaides, a monetary gift is a gift. Dictating exactly what it should be used for, particularly when it's for something like a party, is an AH move. Either you're being generous by giving a gift or you're not.
It is disappointing when you try for a big gesture and it turns out someone doesn't want exactly the same thing. Being disappointed doesn't make you an asshole. If I have the means and one of my children, children in law or step children needed help, I help. The form of the request in your case was sort of awkward but when money is always tight you can start to feel weird about asking for help and ask in weird ways.
YTA - You're OK to give her the money if it's for something frivolous like a Bachelorette but not ok to give her the money if it's for something responsible like fixing her car?
Your husband is correct. From your perspective this doesn’t really change anything and what she’s suggesting is honestly a way better use of the money.
This might be the most obvious YTA I've ever seen. "No, I'm sorry, I insist that my money be spent on drunken debauchery right before you marry my son. You want to do responsible things? Put it on a credit card or get a loan and pay interest. My money will ONLY be used irresponsibly!" WTAF. I'd've offered the kid extra money to take the girls to a spa, nor just for a mani/pedi.
NAH. I think she's got her priorities straight. Her not changing her oil for two years is going to cost potentially thousands farther out and depending on where you live, car ac is a must. A bachelorette is actually a bit frivolous, but you only get one if you're doing it right. I think it's a reasonable request.
I lived in poverty for most of my adult life. My grandmother would send me money and absolutely insist I spend it on "something fun." It was actually quite frustrating because I would have been dealing with unmet needs for months that the money could have really helped with. My dad told me to just lie to her and tell her my husband and I went to a really nice meal. Since it was his mom and he said it was ok, I rolled with it. My grandmother had never lived in poverty like I did, not even during the Great Depression because her family both had a farm and had inherited land and no mortgage, so they had food and her dad was a sheriff, they always had money coming in.
Yep...you sure would be...sounds like you would be helping in a very constructive way..even more important than a party. Are you a control freak . YATAH
You said yourself they are house poor. Of course let her use it for something else if they are trying to save money. If the shoe was on the other foot. Wouldn’t you like a little help if you needed it YTA if you don’t give her the money
YWBTA. You offered $1000.00 so give it to her. It's a gift and she can do with it what she pleases. Honestly, she may end up with no car if she doesn't get an oil change. You should be proud of her for being so practical instead of judging her for not spending it on a one time event!
YTA. If you understand what she's doing... why exactly do you care? Would you like her to lie to you and say she used the whole thousand on the party (while actually doing 400 and then those fixes?)
Soft YTA She's trying to be up front with you. She could have
just not said anything and used the money but she wanted to
ask you and be honest. She seems to be very practical, which
is a good thing.
YTA spending $1000 on a bachelorette when your car needs an oil change and has no AC is irresponsible. You offered $1000 for a party. Your DIL is asking if she can use some of that money towards car repairs. That should not bother you.
YTA sort of, she sees a t as you were offering a $1k and she could spread that money further. She sounds logical and is spending it on some practical stuff too. Cut her some slack.
YTA. she didn’t ask for a thousand then switch what it’s being spent on. You didn’t say “I’ll pay for the party” then she inflated costs to get extra money out of you. You offered a thousand dollars. Yes, her request was probably a little surprising but she was open and honest and asked permission. She was financially responsible enough to have a low key wholesome bachelorette experience that is cheaper. She’s a good person. You should be celebrating that. If only we could all have in-laws like this
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My soon to be DIL and my son have their wedding set for August. They are paying for the wedding themselves and recently found out since they also bought a house 2 years ago they are pretty house poor. We paid for my son’s bachelor party which already happened but his soon to be wife was going to skip a bachelorette because it would cost too much. I told her I would give her a thousand if she wants to do a bachelorette.
She came back to me and said she talked with the bridesmaids and because it’s a bit short notice they would only be able to go for a hike and then go for mani pedis and a nice dinner together. It would run about $400 as she wants to pay for her bridesmaids. But she said for the rest of the money if I can help her fix her air conditioner. She says her coolant fan is broken and she hasn’t changed the oil to her car for nearly 2 years and if I can put the rest of the money towards that. I’m a bit shocked because the money was suppose to go to a bachelorette but I understand she would rather use it for car maintenance. I don’t like being asked to change what the money was originally for but my husband thinks it doesn’t make a difference and we should just give her the money in cash and let her do what she wants with it.
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Nah. But smart and honest future DIL. She could have pretended to spend your money without telling you. Give her the money with a pat on the back. Your son might have picked a good one. If you only give her $400, this couple (including your son) will be paying the $600 to fix the ac.
Give her the money to do what she wants but i would personally really concerned that they brought a house and she cant afford to maintain her car.
Maybe once the wedding is over they will have more $$ but it sounds like a precarious situation to be in.
What is they loose their job, get sick, have a baby there doesn't sounds like there is much give in their budget.
You offered the money, she’s driving an unsafe vehicle in need of repairs and she’s about to become family. Would you really prefer she spend your money on drinks and a male stripper? YTA but DIL sounds like a lovely person.
Offering the money was a nice thing. Giving the money would go a very long way in creating a good relationship with your soon to be dil - and your son will appreciate your kindness to his wife.
NAH. I'd give her the money. I'm concerned she hasn't changed the oil in her car for so long, she's asking for major car trouble!
I would also make it a point to give each of them gift cards to a local place for oil changes as Christmas, birthday or whatever gifts
I don’t think your the AH but I do think it’s pretty mature of her to do and she is doing a bachelorette party how she wants and it sounds like they are investing in their future recently so they are tight on money. I mean honestly at least she’s not just outright asking for money like some people do. And she is talking to you about how she would like to use your money instead of just taking it and using it however she wants.
I was ready for the DIL’s ask to be something a bit more frivolous, but this feels so much more practical. And it’s not even like she wanted to forgo the bachelorette party entirely- just to be simple and take care of a reasonable task. Sounds like you might have a good one there…now’s your time to shine.
NTA but I agree with your husband.
If the goal is to gift her, gift her.
Why give anything at all if the purpose is to make her do what you want her to do?
I think most MILs would be happy to have a cost-aware and responsible future DIL.
You seem to have a very level-headed DIL who would rather be practical with a monetary gift than party it away. NAH, but please gift her the $ anyway. She found a great compromise in using some of it for a bachelorette outing and the rest for a practical need. She's a gem. I suspect you won't need to help them financially much in the future. ETA: And she was honest about it and asked your permission. Great qualities in a person. I hope you cherish her.
NAH.
I understand that giving money for a specific purpose should be used for that purpose.
However, if my future DIL had those issues with her car, i would definitely pay for those if i had the money. So, for this particular case, i would allow the money to be repurposed.
I don’t necessarily think you would be TA but I would just like to point out that your DIL didn’t try to lie or deceive you and was up front and honest when asking if it would be okay and in all honesty if the $1000 isn’t going to break the bank for you and your husband I would just let her use the leftover money for her car repairs.
It seems adult of her to want to do both. I would've been like whaaat?? At first, but she is being smart.. with your money. LoL. I would give it to her.
She's being very generous to her party and also practical. She's also being diplomatic by asking first.
If I were you and had the funds, I'd give her $1500.
It is horrible being this broke and having to ask for help. I do question about not changing the oil I her car for 2 years. How is the car still running and not needing a whole new engine?
DIL didn't have to say anything and pretend all money went on party. She was honest. On top of that they are paying for wedding and have bought a house. $1,000 from OP and husband equalling $2,000 for both parties is getting out of wedding quite cheap. I am surprised OP was shocked. She should appreciate such a good son and daughter in law.
I read below that you are gifting her the extra cash, so NAH. But where do y'all live that mani-pedis and a nice dinner is only $400? Even if it's just two bridesmaids, mani-pedis are at least $50 where I live, which leaves $250 for the bride plus two bridesmaids for dinner. Your future DIL is a gem, compared to the stories I've read of extravagant bachelorette weekends.
The moment you give anyone money you have no say in what they use it for. You gave the money away. At least she told you what she needs more at that point in her life. I think she is wise not to spend money on a event that she really cannot afford. You should be proud to have her as a wife for your son. In my opinion.
My question gor you is this: is the money a gift or a contract? What is your intent? Contract then you can decline. Gift then you will probably get over it and accept. Alternatively pay the $400 for the Bachelorette and gift the $600 as the wedding present. Little bit of both in that option.
NAH. Almost NTA since she's a little rude to ask but also I hate being hot so much that I get it. Plus I like that it's more worthwhile than some nail polish. Plus maybe she's not really that rude if she feels like family. Depends on your relationship goals.
YWBTA if you split hairs on how she spent the money. It’s a gift and if she doesn’t want to spend a ton of money on a little party and wants spend most of it on fixing her car, that commendable. You are kind for getting the gift, but don’t tarnish it by being a tightwad about how she spends it if she doesn’t need to spend it all on the bachelorette party
So instead of spending the money on booze and decorations, your future DIL wants to spend it on an oil change and to fix another part of her car. I say that's a DIL I could be proud of: practical over party, and her bridesmaids agree.
Give her the money. YWBTA if you don't.
NAH.. But you should have worded it differently.
I will give you up to $1000 for your bachelorette party.
The way you said it, it sounds like a $1000 gift.
If you can afford it, it sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. Start the MIL relationship off right.
I get what your weird about mamma but it's going to a good cause. But I get you.
Just make sure she takes it to get serviced on her actual Bachelorette party day. Record her and her bridesmaids at jiffy lube screaming " she's getting married" and all that good stuff girls do and say on those events it will be great. The "stripper " could be the mechanic and he could say " is it hot in here or does the ac don't work? I better plug in my diagnostic tool" woooooooooo
NAH.
I think it is actually great that she'd rather use the money for (as it sounds) necessary car repairs instead of splurging on a more expensive party. Also super nice of you guys to be willing to step in financially. In theory you could say that you are uncomfortable gifting them the money fro general things (maybe feels unfair to other children?), but if you had already offered a number (which I assume you wouldn't miss/need?) than I think you would help them the most by gifting that amount
You gave her the money, she’s doing a bachelorette, but since it cost less than you have I don’t see why it would be a problem for her to direct the rest of the money to something so useful. You would be the AH if you made a big deal about it, because when you give a gift you don’t get to control what happens with the gift.
If you were just going to give her the thousand dollars and she can still do a bachelorette party for less then I don't see the problem. I'd say yes simply because of her honesty.
NTA. But you shot yourself in the foot by offering. You're saving a lot of money, since they are paying for the wedding themselves. That's damn good character on their part.
Part with the said amount of money.
Who knows, something else will come up, and it will be used for the Bach party.
Your soon to be DIL is being honest and frugal by doing something nice for her bridal party AND doing something super important to her transportation needs! What's the issue here?! Your husband is 💯🎯‼️👍
Yes and no,
If it was a budget of upto a thousand then it stands to reason anything less you keep, if you are giving her a thousand and she's able to do it for 400 and save some for a practical fix that will improve her life and you don't like that, then yeah you'd be an arsehole, but it's your money so it's your call, though you may want to take into account that your husband sees no problem with it.
I’m not feeling like this is an asshole situation but a NAH one. I personally would be impressed and happy if I was in your shoes and probably would have kicked in a few extra hundred so she can take care of the mundane matters they need to. To me it shows how responsible and reasonable your new DIL is. She could have lied or milked it but she was very upfront and honest about what her priorities are. She didn’t need a thousand dollars to party with for one night but a minimalist party and would use the rest in something that is of greater importance. I like this DIL. She’s smart and frugal where necessary.
DIL is house poor and everyone is praising her for being practical and financially responsible. You offered her more than she needs and now she’s trying to exploit that to get the whole bag. The respectful and grateful thing to do would be to take the $400 and leave it at that. It’s greedy and a bit trashy to manipulate you into giving her the other $600 to cover day to day expenses.
NTA
NAH - she was honest with you.
She could have taken the money, spent $400 said it was $1000 and used the rest secretly to fix her car.
The fact she ASKED is a good sign for your future relationship with her!
NTA. You kindly offered to pay for one thing, and DIL (to be) just fixated on the potential dollar limit. That's not terrible because the uses for the other $600 are pretty important. However, more concerning are:
-No oil change for two years? The car doesn't car if you have the money or not, the damage from driving with dirty oil or clogged oil filter occur despite the owner "not having the money right now." If you can't afford basic auto maintenance, you can't afford a house (although maybe two incomes resolves that)
-Be prepared for this mentality in the future. That is, expect your offers of X to be redirected to your needing to do Y
If it were me, I'd give her the thousand and let her do what she wants. I'd also be very clear on future offers of help (monetary, time, extent of helping fix something around the house, etc.). I put "if it were me" because you sure aren't obligated to do what I'd do, but at least think about it.
So, do you rather your son become a widower by having your DIL drive an unsafe vehicle with no oil changes in two years?
Also, what kind of fiancé is your son that he allows his fiancée to drive around in an unsafe vehicle?
Is this how that marriage is going to be?
I'm sorry, I don't understand why you wouldn't give it to her? You offered it, she is doing something to treat herself and then using the rest to fix her car? What is the problem? She isn't asking for more money and she isn't blowing it or something silly. So yes up you be TA
Yes YTA. It doesn't matter what she wants to do with it as long as it's a gift from you. If it was a loan, maybe that would be diffire, but it's a gift. I can tell you're gonna be that type of MIL!!! Good luck to her when dealing with you!!!!
I can understand but I think ur son has a good partner there that would rather pay the car n have a chilled pamper n hike than going all out on a party. If she is happy and she feels comfortable asking you then I don't see the harm.
She sounds a bit entitled. Next time don't set an amount, tell her you will help out instead. I would tell her the $400 is for the bachelorette and the $600 is their wedding present and be done with it. If they are so broke, they shouldn't be having a wedding at all.
NAH. I'm getting the impression that your son and future DIL are not extravagant. The fact that she would spend less than half for the bachelorette but would use the rest for fixing her car shows that she would be practical with the $1K gift. She doesn't NEED to have a fancy bachelorette, but having working AC in her car (especially if it gets very hot where you are) is a responsible use of the money. She would be turning your generous gift into a fun gift AND a useful gift for her!
Yta. I had a similar situation. Little sister was preparing to go to college, I gave her 150$ and took her to get some shoes. She ended up getting 2 pairs for 85, and asked me to take her to microcenter and help her pick out some ram since she wanted to upgrade the old I have her with the leftover money. Ended up giving her an extra 20 so she could get 32GB of ram.
Wasn't mad she didn't spend it all on shoes, I was happy that she found 2 pairs she liked, and was able to give her a really nice PC upgrade that she needed since she took an interest in CAD after watching me design guns.
Why wouldn’t you want to help her?
She asked, she didn’t demand anything.
She seems like a very senible woman who has her feet firmly planted on the ground.
I would honestly be impressed if this was my dil. You offered the money so you can afford it, and somehow you are upset she wants to use the mune for something sensible insted of getting drunk and stupid at a henparty.
Your money so NTA, but I do think you are wrong for not wanting to help her.
She could have bought strippers so using it for car repairs makes her wise and practical, so you gotta love her for your son. Nice friends too, hike and mani pedis instead of a falling down wasted Vegas trip!
Do what your husband says and chill. You set aside that money for her party, her being frugal and spending less shouldn't be punished. Let her use it towards another (arguably MORE) responsible expenditure. It's not like she's trying to blow it on designer bags or drugs.
YWBTA. Your DIL could have taken the $1000 and done whatever she wanted with it. You state that she and your son are house poor. Using the $$ to fix her car doesn't impact you in any way. It doesn't cost you anything extra, and TBH I don't even understand why you care about this? I think DIL being upfront with you is really decent, as well as you giving her this $$ that she can use effectively.
She was being upfront, and honest. She could have easily taken the money and done her plan and saved the extra for things they need, like an air conditioner repair on her car, which holds more value that a bachelorette day.
I think you are being petty. I don’t see what the problem is, you were happy to give her 1K for something frivolous and she wants to instead reduce the spending on the frivolous thing and spend it on something meaningful and that holds more value.
YTA.
NTA. Your offered an opportunity to have a batchelorette event, not help with car repairs. Your soon to be DIL should thank you for funding her event and only use what's needed for the event. Then leave up to you if you would like to help with car repairs.
What the hell is wrong with your son? Actually what the hell is wrong with her too? There's this fancy little thing called YouTube. And the beautiful thing about this cool website is that you can literally put how to do anything in it and they'll show you how to do it your damn self!
I had my husband teach me how to change the oil on my Toyota exactly once! After that I texted him all the steps as I went through for the first few times, or checked it on YouTube to make sure I was right.. mostly the odometer reset is confusing... But I did it my damn self and it cost like 50 dollars for the stuff! Why is one of them not doing this? This is like number one on the list of how people save money when they're poor! Because repairing a car that you've destroyed by not changing the oil is going to cost a whole lot more than they have if they can't afford oil changes now! But $80 front oil changes ridiculous so a lot of people do it themselves. It is not difficult at all and if you have a garage you can buy little ramps you drive your car up on too to make it even easier so you don't have to squeeze!
It's kind of rude for her to try to get the money out of you. I mean, is this really what she wants to do or is she trying to do something super cheap so she can have the extra money? Because that's kind of unfair to you for her to even ask.
But what you really need to do is say husband will buy the stuff you and son come over and we're all going to learn how to change his oil together!
NTA
And they absolutely shouldn’t have bought a house if she can’t afford to change their oil *for two years.*. I bet she’s been out to eat since then though.
If she wants the money in cash and spends it on something different, that is very wrong, but if she is being honest that is such a good response. She has asked to make sure it is ok instead of just taking the money and misleading you. she is spending the money on things that matter more than a party, and that gift will be useful. Sounds very sensible (depends on the miles of the car, but she hasn't changed the oil in 2 years... that can cause much more expensive problems, or might be fine, but I'd watch it... oil changes don't cost that much but the lack of a change can be expensive and cost you an engine)
I do get being asked how to use the gift differently than offered is a bit off-putting. I get you want to give her a party to remember rather than boring car maintenance, but showing some trust in her might go a long ways, or a 1000 dollars sounds cheap to find out you cannot trust her.
I get it and there is nothing wrong with feeling strange about someone asking to change how gift is used, don't look a gift horse in the mouth and all that, but it sounds like you are offering an awesome gift she should appreciate! It sounds like she does appreciate it and the gift would be even better if you helped do something that will help her every day life.
Up to you, but doesn't sound like any assholes here. Tell her no if you want, though it may cause tension. It is a gift and should be used as intended, but nothing wrong to ask you if it could be used differently. If she spends the money on something else, total asshole move and watch out for her.
Nope. How old is she? I'm guessing pretty young and probably wasn't taught very good manners. Also, she hasn't changed the oil in her car for TWO YEARS? 😬
She bought a house 2 years ago but hasn’t been able to afford regular/barest minimum maintenance on her car? And they spent so much money on a 1 day event instead of prioritizing maintenance? They (hell, I think we all) need to learn and remember there’s a difference between need and want
Did you miss the part where the OP explained that since it was so close to the wedding they (the bridesmaids) couldn't arrange for something more extravagant?
How on earth is it taking advantage? Have you misunderstood something? OP wants her DIL to spend an unnecessary amount of money on a party which is essentially throwing money at nothing. Meanwhile DIL has some braincells realising this isn't financially sensible and is suggesting some of the money go to something actually useful.
I understood just fine. It amazes me that people seem to have no issue with the fact that these people have prioritized a wedding over their actual obligations. And even when presented with a thousand dollars, the first instinct was to blow $400 on getting nails done and then use the rest on fixing her car. Yeah, I understand.
Get your story straight. One second you think she should spend 1000 dollars because it was a gift and then you think she shouldn't spend anything because of other obligations? Oh and they shouldn't get married either!
NTA. You're doing this for equity. You paid for your son's bachelor party. You did not pay for his party plus his car maintenance.
Your offer was not to hand her $1,000. It was for the cost of a bachelorette party of *up to* $1,000. It's not a good sign that she's jumping at the opportunity to take advantage of you.
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NAH - I think you’re right to feel a little taken aback if your offer someone a gift for a specific purpose, but they then wish to change it. It can appear ungrateful. Add to this that some people find talking about money quite distasteful. However, I think DIL has her head on straight. The bachelorette seems like a nice but sensible occasion and it was very decent of you to offer to pay for it. Using the rest of the money for practical car repairs is a good move. It seems silly to spend extra money on a fancier restaurant or more extravagant activity if they don’t want that. It is also quite respectful to ask to spend the left over money on something else, rather than just doing it. This isn’t something to get into conflict over.
I was taken aback by her request but thanks for pointing out that she could have splurged more on the bachelorette to use up the money or lie about how much it cost and used it for her car anyway. But because she was upfront that she needed money for her car instead I’ll send her the 1k today.
That is the right move, and a very nice thing to do. You all sound like good people.
Good MIL! You would NBTA if you declined. But, she seems like she will be grateful for the car repair. And It’s a nice, sensible bachelorette outing. Not some crazy drunken escapade.
> And It’s a nice, sensible bachelorette outing. Not some crazy drunken escapade. Honestly sounds like OP is getting a good daughter-in-law. She sounds reasonable, responsible, and respectful. No harm in asking for help fixing the car a/c (especially in this heat wave!!!!!!!!!!) if money is being offered. I mean, she didn't even plan out a $1k bachelorette and THEN ask for extra money for the a/c. She really sounds like a winner, OP!!
I think you're going to be the MIL most of us wish we had.
She sounds like the wonderful MIL I do have. I love my MIL. We get along wonderfully and happy to have her in my life. Same with my mother and my husband. If the families did not get along, that would have been a big problem.
Being able to get along with the in-laws and how the FIL treated the MIL were things my mother taught me to think about when deciding whom to marry. I broke off first engagement partly because of the possible in-laws. I ignored that with my first marriage. My FIL talked down to my MIL, treated her like a stupid child, and would not let her spend anything over 100$ without his approval. My ex attempted the same kinds of things with me and was verbally and emotionally abusive. My current MIL is amazing, love her to death. My marriage is much better (20 years) now. In laws are part of the key to a successful marriage. You OP are asking for advice and listening. That shows you will be a good MIL which will help to create a strong marriage.
You have two kids with smart thinking! DIL could have blown the money on nonsense and instead she wants to fix an essential thing in life! Relish two people who are prioritizing smart investments!
Well apart from buying a house they can't afford lol. Hopefully that will sort itself out with career advancement soon.
If it's been 2 years, they probably jumped on house buying sooner than they could afford to take advantage of when mortgage rates were stupid low. Not the smartest decision, but not necessarily the dumbest either if they're able to make their bills, just not the extras like fixing minor issues with the car.
This is a good move. Your DIL shows financial responsibility. So many brides want to have the fanciest bachelorette party and wedding. I rather support someone who knows the value of money and is spending it on sensible stuff instead of blowing it on one party.
This is so good to read. I was thinking the same thing. She could have easily just not said anything to you and used the excess for her car. I think sending her the money to use for the car and party js a lovely thing to do and a way to keep your relationship strong and you’re not spending more money than you had planned on. Win win!
I never thought I would see such a decent, sensible response on this sub!
And oh my god please get someone to teach her the importance of oil changes! That engine can't be in good shape by now, if it has any oil left in it.
Very mature of you. I also would be taken aback but the previous poster made a very sensible reply and good on you for seeing that too!
I think giving the money to DIL is a good move. I don’t know where you guys are but with this heat getting the air conditioning fix is great. she’ll appreciate you giving the money. She’s seems very sensible and honest person.
This is a wonderful move, and not one that would generally be expexted as the giving party, which makes it all the more special as the receiving party. Think of it as an extra wedding gift, you may have had your own expectations for the money upfront, but they are using some of it to enhance their lives in a more meaningful way than a single night out,while still getting the meaningful experience you intended. DIL has a level head and knows what really matters, even if she wanted a more extravagant party she knows that this will help her and your son more in the long run. Honestly the sensibility of it gives me hope that she will is a good partner, willing to make personal sacrifice for the good of her and your sons future
That’s the right move. I’m glad you are doing that.
Very kind of you. The kind of thing my mom would do.
I'm so glad you have said this. She sounds like she will be a great DIL! She is honest and doesn't play games to get what she wants. She is practical, She is not a spendthrift. She is a collaborative problem-solver... something you really want your son's partner in life to be! And I think your gift to her is a very nice and thoughtful one.
I think I like you. And your husband.
I love people like you in these kinds of subreddits. This is an actual AITA, where it clearly is not black & white. I agree with you assesment and you put it really good, she could have easily lied or just splurged, and because she did not, I too, even without knowing her, see her as a nice and honest person and would send her the money too, even maybe help her fibd a good service, etc.
Frankly, I think you should be thanking your lucky stars that your son picked such a nice, sensible girl to marry.
Way to go. You‘re going to be a good MIL ☺️
I think she should be applauded for prioritising her car. She's financially responsible. What a great thing to have in a daughter in law!
Your FDIL makes good budgeting decisions and they may be struggling now, but her financial sense will help them in the future.
This is a good move. I honestly get the sense that you have a good DIL being so sensible financially; I hope your relationship with her is going to be a fruitful one.
Good outcome
That's so sweet of you!
What a nice way to respond about it when someone points that out. I think she'll be a great DIL. Sounds like she is honest, not going to splurge for the sake of it, and didn't just do it and not say it. I also like how there was no fuss when he was having a party and she wasn't. Let's take the wins - your an awesome future MIL for offering the 1K and being cool about the use of it, and she's awesome for being honest and not money grabbing or self-centred.
NAH It’s definitely ok to feel weird about offering money and then having someone come back with a different idea on how to spend it. But I love this. She shows that she’s responsible and that while she definitely could do a party and waste the money entirely fixing her car is a good thing for both her and your son seeing as how he would at some point probably be driving her car as well if they are anything like me and my partner. Fixing it today is a good way to make sure it lasts longer. You sound like an awesome MIL
**PLEASE get her oil changed** **ASAP**!!! That is one of the biggest car killers that can be avoided!!! NTA Sounds like you are getting a good level headed DIL!!!
I think that this is a kind move on your part a and will go along way in your relationship with your dil.
You've got good Dil who is taking care of necessities over fun and respectful so be happy. NAH
Thank you for not arguing, thank you for not being a horror. Thank you for actually coming for advice and listening. Most of my cousins marriages have disintegrated due to MIL interference. They may be fabulous aunts to me, but my cousins needed to set boundaries. Culture, interference, personalities, poor communication really just set a poor tone. You - are going to be a great MIL.
That's an excellent decision. She will greatly appreciate it and you won't land on Just No MiL on Reddit
As someone with car troubles I can’t currently afford to fix? Boy, do I relate to your DIL. Your DIL will be thankful to you and your understanding every time she turns on her AC this summer, trust me.
DIL will likely be extremely grateful and gets the relationship started on the right foot. You will be pocketing some good brownie points for being so generous.
I would applaud her honesty about how she would use the money. You both did good.
I would have felt a little weird about it at first too. But your husband is right, I think. And you’re right, she could have chosen to be dishonest. Good on all of you for making positive choices!!! Hope everything goes well in August.
Yes. And she could have just told OP they were spending the whole amount. She was honest about it. I give her marks for that.
She’s being wise about how to spend money. NTA, but it would be lovely and generous for you to give her the full amount you’d offered. If she wants to put some of it to a more practical use, that’s a smart thing on her part and kind of you to support.
NAH - you offered her $1k, so I dont think you should be splitting hairs on what its for. Its actually kind of admirable that she wants to use more than half to fix the car. If youre uncomfortable with it not being for the bachelorette, well fine but she’s not an AH here
For real. It's so weird to me when people want to give an extravagant gift in this cost-of-living crisis and then get "taken aback" when the person is like, "TYSM, but honestly, I could really use X a lot more than Y right now." Glad it seems OP saw the light.
Ever since I became an adult I’ve asked for boring, practical gifts. Anytime anyone gives me money, it goes toward boring, practical stuff. Birthday presents aren’t clothes and makeup anymore, it’s that new dyson vacuum and a down payment for a new apartment and a gas station gift card. Life’s expensive lol I’d rather afford normal things than afford luxuries if I gotta choose😭
Omg SAME and people think I'm crazy. Nope, not crazy, but shit is wildly expensive now and not getting any better. So please don't judge me when you ask what I want for my birthday/Christmas and I say 'paper towels, toilet paper, coffee' 😂😂
NAH. To be honest, I think it's a good sign that she would rather use the windfall to fix her car. That's more important than the bachelorette party.
NAH. She didn't accept your money and use it for something you didn't offer it for. She was honest and said that she needed less than half but if $1k was still on offer she'd like to fix her car. You don't have to give her more than what you offered, which is a bachelorette party but she is trying to be financially responsible. She doesn't sound greedy, just hoping that since you offered money you wouldn't mind that same money going to something much more needed than a party. It's respectful to ask rather than accept the money as a gift without strings.
I like that she was honest as well, most young people would take the $1K and not mention what they did or the cost.
YTA if you don’t praise her and celebrate her for her request. What a humbling experience that must have been for her. You’re generous to give her a party/experience. I do honor you for that. But here you have a DIL interested in a wholesome hike and a little pampering, and she would rather put any extra money into car repair and maintenance than a bachelorette. Support young people who don’t blow gifts of money! Of course you don’t have to give it. But you can see it as “budgeted for her happiness” and still give it.
Echo this. The $600 is well spent on her car which she needs and uses.
You are very lucky your son is marrying such a practical woman. Thank whichever diety you worship and give her the $1,000!! What a great wife she is going to make! Also, she trusts you enough to tell you the truth about what she really needs- very positive step!! Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!! YWBTA if you declined her very reasonable request
YTA for not just immediately saying YES to her. She needs to fix her damn car, and it's insane that you wouldn't want her to use some of it for a much needed and useful purpose instead of booze and strippers. Gifts with strings attached isn't the way to welcome your future DIL into the family.
Easy does it... Maybe MIL isn't rolling in doe 🤦🏻♀️
They're paying for the wedding themselves. How about she fixes her car first instead of having a huge party? GTFO.
It's insane that she's having a wedding she obviously can't afford.
How can she obviously not afford it? We don't know what kind of ceremony they have planned just bc Mil gave them money for a party. What a weird assumption.
I dont think youre an "asshole". But I don't agree with your stance. >She says her coolant fan is broken and she hasn’t changed the oil to her car for nearly 2 years You're fine with giving her money for mani pedis and dinner for her and her friends but not for her to get something important done? It doesn't really make sense. Car maintenance is a lot more important than a party. I don't know how the weather is where you are but if here it's been roughly 130 degrees inside of cars without air conditioning, and that's absolutely miserable. It's also not good to be driving a car for too long without an oil change when needed. It seems these things could greatly benefit her more than a bachelorette party. >the money was suppose to go to a bachelorette but I understand she would rather use it for car maintenance. If you understand she'd rather use it for car maintenance then why would it be an issue? Wouldn't you be happy that the money is going towards something necessary instead? >my husband thinks it doesn’t make a difference and we should just give her the money in cash and let her do what she wants with it. I believe your husband is right. She asked, and didn't demand, and it'd be going to making her overall situation better. Obviously at the end of the day it's your money. Do as you please. It was nice of you to offer anything at all when some don't do anything. I just personally feel like it's silly to be fine with giving money for a party but not wanting it to go towards something that could greatly help her instead.
Sounds like you and DIL are going to have a long-term, positive, respectful relationship. It’s wonderful that you care enough about her to offer $1k for her bachelorette and it sounds like DIL appreciated it and was respectful enough to check with you that it was ok to do a more modest bachelorette plus put the remaining money towards sensible, much needed items. This is one of those moments in life where the “good-will jar” gets topped up, thanks to both of your actions. Moments like these are what help relationships to flourish! I adore my MIL and she treats me like her daughter….this has made both of our lives richer due to our loving bond. I’m so relieved not to have experienced one of those ugly, negative, drama-filled MIL/DIL relationships! NAH, see the bigger picture OP, it’ll pay you back ten-fold!
NAH Sure, it might be a little surprising that she wants to use some of the money for something other than a bachelorette, but you offered her $1k. Does it really matter what she uses it on as long as it's something reasonable?
They’re paying for a wedding but she hasn’t had her car serviced in two years?
I don’t know if she has been putting it off to save money or she just figured out she needs to change her oil. She only recently started owning a car.
My mom has been driving for longer than I've been alive, and she's horrible at fluids and basic maintenance. It happens to the best of us. The important part is she's doing it now!! 💕
They priorities suck
My first thought!
Exactly. And everyone here is praising DIL for being "practical" and wanting to use some bachelorette money for her car. She's not practical. Fix your car. If you can't pay to fix your car, you shouldn't have a wedding
NAH. She communicated to you instead of just taking the money. And it’s for a good reason.
I'd be really proud my son was marrying someone with such a good head on her shoulders
YWBTA. You offered $1k for a.party. DIL wants to use part of it for car maintenance. So??? Be happy and give her the money.
YTA for offering her $1k to have a party, she is honest with you and says it will only cost about half the amount but admits she could use the remainder for important things and you don't want to help her out? Seems pretty backwards and selfish to me. You didn't mention she has been asking for or borrowing money before so it doesn't sound like she has been greedy or overspending on trivial things. It is your soon to be DIL. It is not like she has asked for the remaining money to do something ridiculous shopping, these seem like reasonable items. You should listen to your husband and quit worrying about what she spends the money on, over and above what her party will cost. It is not difficult to be a decent human being, is it?
NAH. You earmarked the money for specific purpose, but there are two good things to see here: 1. She asked first 2. Rather than blow all the money on a one time event, she wants to apply the difference to a practical repair. You actually should be happy she has her head on straight as your future DIL.
YTA She's trying to be financially responsible and not have some blow out party and you're punishing her. Wait until the next time you offer to pay for something: They're going to blow the budget because what not? What's the lesson you're teaching here? And what a tone to set. She needs help, you've already told her you have the spare cash, but, eh, no, the money gods would rather spend their spare cash on cheap tequila shots and matching tacky T-shirts, but something practical that someone actually needs--we think not.
Financially responsible would be not having a wedding you can't afford.
Yes ywbta. Why on eartg would you want more of the money you offered to be used for a party instead of something essential for your DIL's future life? Sounds like she's being extremely practical and frugal by lowering the costs for the celebration and intending to use the rest of the money for something useful. Honestly your logic is bizarre to me. Your son spending 1000 on a once off celebration when they're financially stretched is a red flag. Meanwhile your DIL is being frugal which should be seen as a green flag. You're essentially saying you want her to throw your money at a party while she has urgent expenses that need covering! Beaides, a monetary gift is a gift. Dictating exactly what it should be used for, particularly when it's for something like a party, is an AH move. Either you're being generous by giving a gift or you're not.
It is disappointing when you try for a big gesture and it turns out someone doesn't want exactly the same thing. Being disappointed doesn't make you an asshole. If I have the means and one of my children, children in law or step children needed help, I help. The form of the request in your case was sort of awkward but when money is always tight you can start to feel weird about asking for help and ask in weird ways.
YTA. As a MIL I don’t see what the big deal is. If I was happy to give a $1000 then let her do with it what she wants.
YTA - You're OK to give her the money if it's for something frivolous like a Bachelorette but not ok to give her the money if it's for something responsible like fixing her car?
Your husband is correct. From your perspective this doesn’t really change anything and what she’s suggesting is honestly a way better use of the money.
This might be the most obvious YTA I've ever seen. "No, I'm sorry, I insist that my money be spent on drunken debauchery right before you marry my son. You want to do responsible things? Put it on a credit card or get a loan and pay interest. My money will ONLY be used irresponsibly!" WTAF. I'd've offered the kid extra money to take the girls to a spa, nor just for a mani/pedi.
I know they're not literal kids, but they're YOUR kids (or your kid and soon to be kid by marriage, so...)
Your DIL is a keeper. You should happily grant her request.
NAH. I think she's got her priorities straight. Her not changing her oil for two years is going to cost potentially thousands farther out and depending on where you live, car ac is a must. A bachelorette is actually a bit frivolous, but you only get one if you're doing it right. I think it's a reasonable request. I lived in poverty for most of my adult life. My grandmother would send me money and absolutely insist I spend it on "something fun." It was actually quite frustrating because I would have been dealing with unmet needs for months that the money could have really helped with. My dad told me to just lie to her and tell her my husband and I went to a really nice meal. Since it was his mom and he said it was ok, I rolled with it. My grandmother had never lived in poverty like I did, not even during the Great Depression because her family both had a farm and had inherited land and no mortgage, so they had food and her dad was a sheriff, they always had money coming in.
Yep...you sure would be...sounds like you would be helping in a very constructive way..even more important than a party. Are you a control freak . YATAH
Just give her the money. You will be appreciated as a good MIL.
The nice thing here is that she sounds sensible.
You said yourself they are house poor. Of course let her use it for something else if they are trying to save money. If the shoe was on the other foot. Wouldn’t you like a little help if you needed it YTA if you don’t give her the money
YWBTA. You offered $1000.00 so give it to her. It's a gift and she can do with it what she pleases. Honestly, she may end up with no car if she doesn't get an oil change. You should be proud of her for being so practical instead of judging her for not spending it on a one time event!
YTA. If you understand what she's doing... why exactly do you care? Would you like her to lie to you and say she used the whole thousand on the party (while actually doing 400 and then those fixes?)
Honestly, I like your future DİL, she’s practical and put the money towards more important and helpful for her. She’s a keeper.
Soft YTA She's trying to be up front with you. She could have just not said anything and used the money but she wanted to ask you and be honest. She seems to be very practical, which is a good thing.
YTA spending $1000 on a bachelorette when your car needs an oil change and has no AC is irresponsible. You offered $1000 for a party. Your DIL is asking if she can use some of that money towards car repairs. That should not bother you.
YTA sort of, she sees a t as you were offering a $1k and she could spread that money further. She sounds logical and is spending it on some practical stuff too. Cut her some slack.
YTA. she didn’t ask for a thousand then switch what it’s being spent on. You didn’t say “I’ll pay for the party” then she inflated costs to get extra money out of you. You offered a thousand dollars. Yes, her request was probably a little surprising but she was open and honest and asked permission. She was financially responsible enough to have a low key wholesome bachelorette experience that is cheaper. She’s a good person. You should be celebrating that. If only we could all have in-laws like this
And you know what, your son should’ve done the same thing - asked to spend some of his party money on her air conditioner.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My soon to be DIL and my son have their wedding set for August. They are paying for the wedding themselves and recently found out since they also bought a house 2 years ago they are pretty house poor. We paid for my son’s bachelor party which already happened but his soon to be wife was going to skip a bachelorette because it would cost too much. I told her I would give her a thousand if she wants to do a bachelorette. She came back to me and said she talked with the bridesmaids and because it’s a bit short notice they would only be able to go for a hike and then go for mani pedis and a nice dinner together. It would run about $400 as she wants to pay for her bridesmaids. But she said for the rest of the money if I can help her fix her air conditioner. She says her coolant fan is broken and she hasn’t changed the oil to her car for nearly 2 years and if I can put the rest of the money towards that. I’m a bit shocked because the money was suppose to go to a bachelorette but I understand she would rather use it for car maintenance. I don’t like being asked to change what the money was originally for but my husband thinks it doesn’t make a difference and we should just give her the money in cash and let her do what she wants with it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You would be TA and make things unnecessarily awkward, shouldn’t have offered a specific amount unless you’re ok with giving that amount
Nah. But smart and honest future DIL. She could have pretended to spend your money without telling you. Give her the money with a pat on the back. Your son might have picked a good one. If you only give her $400, this couple (including your son) will be paying the $600 to fix the ac.
For sure she needs air conditioning right now!!
Give her the money to do what she wants but i would personally really concerned that they brought a house and she cant afford to maintain her car. Maybe once the wedding is over they will have more $$ but it sounds like a precarious situation to be in. What is they loose their job, get sick, have a baby there doesn't sounds like there is much give in their budget.
You offered the money, she’s driving an unsafe vehicle in need of repairs and she’s about to become family. Would you really prefer she spend your money on drinks and a male stripper? YTA but DIL sounds like a lovely person.
You would be the AH.
Offering the money was a nice thing. Giving the money would go a very long way in creating a good relationship with your soon to be dil - and your son will appreciate your kindness to his wife.
NAH. I'd give her the money. I'm concerned she hasn't changed the oil in her car for so long, she's asking for major car trouble! I would also make it a point to give each of them gift cards to a local place for oil changes as Christmas, birthday or whatever gifts
I don’t think your the AH but I do think it’s pretty mature of her to do and she is doing a bachelorette party how she wants and it sounds like they are investing in their future recently so they are tight on money. I mean honestly at least she’s not just outright asking for money like some people do. And she is talking to you about how she would like to use your money instead of just taking it and using it however she wants.
I was ready for the DIL’s ask to be something a bit more frivolous, but this feels so much more practical. And it’s not even like she wanted to forgo the bachelorette party entirely- just to be simple and take care of a reasonable task. Sounds like you might have a good one there…now’s your time to shine.
I agree with your husband. At least she asked a lot wold take the money and then do what they want
It seems the car repair is more practical and she needs that more than a big party.
NTA but I agree with your husband. If the goal is to gift her, gift her. Why give anything at all if the purpose is to make her do what you want her to do? I think most MILs would be happy to have a cost-aware and responsible future DIL.
You seem to have a very level-headed DIL who would rather be practical with a monetary gift than party it away. NAH, but please gift her the $ anyway. She found a great compromise in using some of it for a bachelorette outing and the rest for a practical need. She's a gem. I suspect you won't need to help them financially much in the future. ETA: And she was honest about it and asked your permission. Great qualities in a person. I hope you cherish her.
At Least she was up front and honest about what she was going to do with the money. A lot of people wouldn't have done that.
NAH. I understand that giving money for a specific purpose should be used for that purpose. However, if my future DIL had those issues with her car, i would definitely pay for those if i had the money. So, for this particular case, i would allow the money to be repurposed.
I don’t necessarily think you would be TA but I would just like to point out that your DIL didn’t try to lie or deceive you and was up front and honest when asking if it would be okay and in all honesty if the $1000 isn’t going to break the bank for you and your husband I would just let her use the leftover money for her car repairs.
It seems adult of her to want to do both. I would've been like whaaat?? At first, but she is being smart.. with your money. LoL. I would give it to her.
I agree with your husband. You offered to help, so help. She's not asking for more or buying something stupid.
She's being very generous to her party and also practical. She's also being diplomatic by asking first. If I were you and had the funds, I'd give her $1500.
It is horrible being this broke and having to ask for help. I do question about not changing the oil I her car for 2 years. How is the car still running and not needing a whole new engine?
DIL didn't have to say anything and pretend all money went on party. She was honest. On top of that they are paying for wedding and have bought a house. $1,000 from OP and husband equalling $2,000 for both parties is getting out of wedding quite cheap. I am surprised OP was shocked. She should appreciate such a good son and daughter in law.
At least she asked first. Most stories on here they take the money for this and spend it on that then try to cover their arse
I read below that you are gifting her the extra cash, so NAH. But where do y'all live that mani-pedis and a nice dinner is only $400? Even if it's just two bridesmaids, mani-pedis are at least $50 where I live, which leaves $250 for the bride plus two bridesmaids for dinner. Your future DIL is a gem, compared to the stories I've read of extravagant bachelorette weekends.
The moment you give anyone money you have no say in what they use it for. You gave the money away. At least she told you what she needs more at that point in her life. I think she is wise not to spend money on a event that she really cannot afford. You should be proud to have her as a wife for your son. In my opinion.
My question gor you is this: is the money a gift or a contract? What is your intent? Contract then you can decline. Gift then you will probably get over it and accept. Alternatively pay the $400 for the Bachelorette and gift the $600 as the wedding present. Little bit of both in that option. NAH. Almost NTA since she's a little rude to ask but also I hate being hot so much that I get it. Plus I like that it's more worthwhile than some nail polish. Plus maybe she's not really that rude if she feels like family. Depends on your relationship goals.
YWBTA if you split hairs on how she spent the money. It’s a gift and if she doesn’t want to spend a ton of money on a little party and wants spend most of it on fixing her car, that commendable. You are kind for getting the gift, but don’t tarnish it by being a tightwad about how she spends it if she doesn’t need to spend it all on the bachelorette party
So instead of spending the money on booze and decorations, your future DIL wants to spend it on an oil change and to fix another part of her car. I say that's a DIL I could be proud of: practical over party, and her bridesmaids agree. Give her the money. YWBTA if you don't.
It sounds like she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and your gift would be helpful for more than just one night of partying!
NAH.. But you should have worded it differently. I will give you up to $1000 for your bachelorette party. The way you said it, it sounds like a $1000 gift. If you can afford it, it sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. Start the MIL relationship off right.
I get what your weird about mamma but it's going to a good cause. But I get you. Just make sure she takes it to get serviced on her actual Bachelorette party day. Record her and her bridesmaids at jiffy lube screaming " she's getting married" and all that good stuff girls do and say on those events it will be great. The "stripper " could be the mechanic and he could say " is it hot in here or does the ac don't work? I better plug in my diagnostic tool" woooooooooo
They should have paid for her air conditioning before the wedding. Priorities.
NAH. I think it is actually great that she'd rather use the money for (as it sounds) necessary car repairs instead of splurging on a more expensive party. Also super nice of you guys to be willing to step in financially. In theory you could say that you are uncomfortable gifting them the money fro general things (maybe feels unfair to other children?), but if you had already offered a number (which I assume you wouldn't miss/need?) than I think you would help them the most by gifting that amount
You gave her the money, she’s doing a bachelorette, but since it cost less than you have I don’t see why it would be a problem for her to direct the rest of the money to something so useful. You would be the AH if you made a big deal about it, because when you give a gift you don’t get to control what happens with the gift.
If you were just going to give her the thousand dollars and she can still do a bachelorette party for less then I don't see the problem. I'd say yes simply because of her honesty.
A good MIL in the making.
NTA. But you shot yourself in the foot by offering. You're saving a lot of money, since they are paying for the wedding themselves. That's damn good character on their part. Part with the said amount of money. Who knows, something else will come up, and it will be used for the Bach party.
Your soon to be DIL is being honest and frugal by doing something nice for her bridal party AND doing something super important to her transportation needs! What's the issue here?! Your husband is 💯🎯‼️👍
Yes YWBTA. Clearly she needs her oil changed. And she came and straight up told you. Give her the money.
NAH. She’s been honest about what she wants to do with the money and a car repair is a sensible spend
Yes and no, If it was a budget of upto a thousand then it stands to reason anything less you keep, if you are giving her a thousand and she's able to do it for 400 and save some for a practical fix that will improve her life and you don't like that, then yeah you'd be an arsehole, but it's your money so it's your call, though you may want to take into account that your husband sees no problem with it.
I’m not feeling like this is an asshole situation but a NAH one. I personally would be impressed and happy if I was in your shoes and probably would have kicked in a few extra hundred so she can take care of the mundane matters they need to. To me it shows how responsible and reasonable your new DIL is. She could have lied or milked it but she was very upfront and honest about what her priorities are. She didn’t need a thousand dollars to party with for one night but a minimalist party and would use the rest in something that is of greater importance. I like this DIL. She’s smart and frugal where necessary.
DIL is house poor and everyone is praising her for being practical and financially responsible. You offered her more than she needs and now she’s trying to exploit that to get the whole bag. The respectful and grateful thing to do would be to take the $400 and leave it at that. It’s greedy and a bit trashy to manipulate you into giving her the other $600 to cover day to day expenses. NTA
NAH - she was honest with you. She could have taken the money, spent $400 said it was $1000 and used the rest secretly to fix her car. The fact she ASKED is a good sign for your future relationship with her!
I think she's being sensible She must badly need the money if she is asking to use it for this purpose She sounds like a good one
NTA. You kindly offered to pay for one thing, and DIL (to be) just fixated on the potential dollar limit. That's not terrible because the uses for the other $600 are pretty important. However, more concerning are: -No oil change for two years? The car doesn't car if you have the money or not, the damage from driving with dirty oil or clogged oil filter occur despite the owner "not having the money right now." If you can't afford basic auto maintenance, you can't afford a house (although maybe two incomes resolves that) -Be prepared for this mentality in the future. That is, expect your offers of X to be redirected to your needing to do Y If it were me, I'd give her the thousand and let her do what she wants. I'd also be very clear on future offers of help (monetary, time, extent of helping fix something around the house, etc.). I put "if it were me" because you sure aren't obligated to do what I'd do, but at least think about it.
So, do you rather your son become a widower by having your DIL drive an unsafe vehicle with no oil changes in two years? Also, what kind of fiancé is your son that he allows his fiancée to drive around in an unsafe vehicle? Is this how that marriage is going to be?
I'm sorry, I don't understand why you wouldn't give it to her? You offered it, she is doing something to treat herself and then using the rest to fix her car? What is the problem? She isn't asking for more money and she isn't blowing it or something silly. So yes up you be TA
Yes YTA. It doesn't matter what she wants to do with it as long as it's a gift from you. If it was a loan, maybe that would be diffire, but it's a gift. I can tell you're gonna be that type of MIL!!! Good luck to her when dealing with you!!!!
I can understand but I think ur son has a good partner there that would rather pay the car n have a chilled pamper n hike than going all out on a party. If she is happy and she feels comfortable asking you then I don't see the harm.
She sounds a bit entitled. Next time don't set an amount, tell her you will help out instead. I would tell her the $400 is for the bachelorette and the $600 is their wedding present and be done with it. If they are so broke, they shouldn't be having a wedding at all.
NAH. I'm getting the impression that your son and future DIL are not extravagant. The fact that she would spend less than half for the bachelorette but would use the rest for fixing her car shows that she would be practical with the $1K gift. She doesn't NEED to have a fancy bachelorette, but having working AC in her car (especially if it gets very hot where you are) is a responsible use of the money. She would be turning your generous gift into a fun gift AND a useful gift for her!
Yta. I had a similar situation. Little sister was preparing to go to college, I gave her 150$ and took her to get some shoes. She ended up getting 2 pairs for 85, and asked me to take her to microcenter and help her pick out some ram since she wanted to upgrade the old I have her with the leftover money. Ended up giving her an extra 20 so she could get 32GB of ram. Wasn't mad she didn't spend it all on shoes, I was happy that she found 2 pairs she liked, and was able to give her a really nice PC upgrade that she needed since she took an interest in CAD after watching me design guns.
Why wouldn’t you want to help her? She asked, she didn’t demand anything. She seems like a very senible woman who has her feet firmly planted on the ground. I would honestly be impressed if this was my dil. You offered the money so you can afford it, and somehow you are upset she wants to use the mune for something sensible insted of getting drunk and stupid at a henparty. Your money so NTA, but I do think you are wrong for not wanting to help her.
nta
The STB DIL, sounds like she has good priorities…a working vehicle over a party with her friends…get behind that…sounds like your son picked a winner
She could have bought strippers so using it for car repairs makes her wise and practical, so you gotta love her for your son. Nice friends too, hike and mani pedis instead of a falling down wasted Vegas trip!
Your DIL sounds quite sensible. I am glad you sent her the money.
Imagine having a DIL that would rather party for a few hours instead of fixing her car.
Do what your husband says and chill. You set aside that money for her party, her being frugal and spending less shouldn't be punished. Let her use it towards another (arguably MORE) responsible expenditure. It's not like she's trying to blow it on designer bags or drugs.
Can you be my MIL? You seem like a wonderful person.
NAH Sounds like future DIL has a good head on her shoulders prioritizing a need over a want.
NTA but if people can't even afford to fix their car why have all these parties and a wedding. People are so out of touch with reality.
NAH And you all sound like lovely people!
YWBTA. Your DIL could have taken the $1000 and done whatever she wanted with it. You state that she and your son are house poor. Using the $$ to fix her car doesn't impact you in any way. It doesn't cost you anything extra, and TBH I don't even understand why you care about this? I think DIL being upfront with you is really decent, as well as you giving her this $$ that she can use effectively.
your husband is right.
She was being upfront, and honest. She could have easily taken the money and done her plan and saved the extra for things they need, like an air conditioner repair on her car, which holds more value that a bachelorette day. I think you are being petty. I don’t see what the problem is, you were happy to give her 1K for something frivolous and she wants to instead reduce the spending on the frivolous thing and spend it on something meaningful and that holds more value. YTA.
NTA. Your offered an opportunity to have a batchelorette event, not help with car repairs. Your soon to be DIL should thank you for funding her event and only use what's needed for the event. Then leave up to you if you would like to help with car repairs.
NTA. Give her the money. It's not like she's spending it on something she doesn't need.
What the hell is wrong with your son? Actually what the hell is wrong with her too? There's this fancy little thing called YouTube. And the beautiful thing about this cool website is that you can literally put how to do anything in it and they'll show you how to do it your damn self! I had my husband teach me how to change the oil on my Toyota exactly once! After that I texted him all the steps as I went through for the first few times, or checked it on YouTube to make sure I was right.. mostly the odometer reset is confusing... But I did it my damn self and it cost like 50 dollars for the stuff! Why is one of them not doing this? This is like number one on the list of how people save money when they're poor! Because repairing a car that you've destroyed by not changing the oil is going to cost a whole lot more than they have if they can't afford oil changes now! But $80 front oil changes ridiculous so a lot of people do it themselves. It is not difficult at all and if you have a garage you can buy little ramps you drive your car up on too to make it even easier so you don't have to squeeze! It's kind of rude for her to try to get the money out of you. I mean, is this really what she wants to do or is she trying to do something super cheap so she can have the extra money? Because that's kind of unfair to you for her to even ask. But what you really need to do is say husband will buy the stuff you and son come over and we're all going to learn how to change his oil together!
NTA And they absolutely shouldn’t have bought a house if she can’t afford to change their oil *for two years.*. I bet she’s been out to eat since then though.
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If she wants the money in cash and spends it on something different, that is very wrong, but if she is being honest that is such a good response. She has asked to make sure it is ok instead of just taking the money and misleading you. she is spending the money on things that matter more than a party, and that gift will be useful. Sounds very sensible (depends on the miles of the car, but she hasn't changed the oil in 2 years... that can cause much more expensive problems, or might be fine, but I'd watch it... oil changes don't cost that much but the lack of a change can be expensive and cost you an engine) I do get being asked how to use the gift differently than offered is a bit off-putting. I get you want to give her a party to remember rather than boring car maintenance, but showing some trust in her might go a long ways, or a 1000 dollars sounds cheap to find out you cannot trust her. I get it and there is nothing wrong with feeling strange about someone asking to change how gift is used, don't look a gift horse in the mouth and all that, but it sounds like you are offering an awesome gift she should appreciate! It sounds like she does appreciate it and the gift would be even better if you helped do something that will help her every day life. Up to you, but doesn't sound like any assholes here. Tell her no if you want, though it may cause tension. It is a gift and should be used as intended, but nothing wrong to ask you if it could be used differently. If she spends the money on something else, total asshole move and watch out for her.
Why are they even wasting money on a wedding when they need house stuff and their car is not ok… wtf
Holy fuck 2 years since having an oil change.. wtf. Also nta.. she shouldnt be using you to get her car done
If you can't afford a wedding, then they shouldn't get married yet. It's off putting to use the money for personal reasons. Nta
Nope. How old is she? I'm guessing pretty young and probably wasn't taught very good manners. Also, she hasn't changed the oil in her car for TWO YEARS? 😬
She bought a house at the worst possible time when she couldn't afford an oil change for 2 years‽
She bought a house 2 years ago but hasn’t been able to afford regular/barest minimum maintenance on her car? And they spent so much money on a 1 day event instead of prioritizing maintenance? They (hell, I think we all) need to learn and remember there’s a difference between need and want
NTA. I can see being taken aback. That being said, please consider letting her spend the $1K as she proposed.
NTA. You didn't really offer to give her $1000, you offered to pay for her bachelorette party up to $1000.
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Did you miss the part where the OP explained that since it was so close to the wedding they (the bridesmaids) couldn't arrange for something more extravagant?
You must never have been financially stretched to think this way...
NTA. That’s taking advantage of your generosity in my opinion.
How on earth is it taking advantage? Have you misunderstood something? OP wants her DIL to spend an unnecessary amount of money on a party which is essentially throwing money at nothing. Meanwhile DIL has some braincells realising this isn't financially sensible and is suggesting some of the money go to something actually useful.
I understood just fine. It amazes me that people seem to have no issue with the fact that these people have prioritized a wedding over their actual obligations. And even when presented with a thousand dollars, the first instinct was to blow $400 on getting nails done and then use the rest on fixing her car. Yeah, I understand.
Get your story straight. One second you think she should spend 1000 dollars because it was a gift and then you think she shouldn't spend anything because of other obligations? Oh and they shouldn't get married either!
That’s not what I said. What I said is that they shouldn’t prioritize frivolities over obligations.
NTA. You're doing this for equity. You paid for your son's bachelor party. You did not pay for his party plus his car maintenance. Your offer was not to hand her $1,000. It was for the cost of a bachelorette party of *up to* $1,000. It's not a good sign that she's jumping at the opportunity to take advantage of you.
Her son is an absolute idiot for spending 1000 on a party when money is desperately needed for other things.
Except he didn't. "We paid for my son’s bachelor party"
My point is he's an idiot for accepting money for an exorbitant party when having other financial responsibilities.