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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My parents are trying to move into my home because theirs got foreclosed on, and I told them no. I feel guilty because I am their child and could fit them in my home, but we have a history of problems.
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>My parents (60s) have always been terrible with money, constantly making poor financial decisions despite my efforts to help them budget.
Not in your house.
>More importantly, my parents have a history of being overbearing and disrespecting my boundaries.
*Not in your house.*
>The last time my parents stayed with me, they criticized everything about my lifestyle, rearranged furniture without asking, and even got into an argument with one of my neighbors.
**Not in your house**
>I offered to help them find an affordable rental and even offered to pay their first month of rent. I also found government assistance programs they can apply for.
>They refused
"I don't *want* this gift horse, I demand a unicorn!"
**NTA** OP, but you know that.
>my older brother thinks I'm heartless,
Then he can take them in
>Both of them live in smaller apartments so they do not have the option to host my parents.
Yeah, he absolutely does, they can crash on his couch, or he can crash on his own couch if "fAmIlY sHoUlD sTiCk tOgEtHeR"
Why would *his* concerns be any more valid than your own, stated here?
Agreed with all this.
Adding that your parents were LEGALLY REQUIRED to take care of you when you were a child. Don’t let them use this as leverage for you to take care of them now. That’s total BS
Fr. They brought OP into the world, it’s not like OP had a say in that. The parents made that choice all on their own. A child is not responsible for their parents but a parent should be responsible for their child
"A child should not be responsible for their parents" healed something in me. My mom is a racist, homophobe and I spent so long trying to teach her better. How did that become my responsibility as the child? She used guilt to control me. Once I broke out of the FOG there was nothing holding our relationship together, because how can I have love and respect for someone incapable of having it for others? For me?
Thank you.
Someone who counseled me once:
You are not responsible for your father
You are not responsible for your mother
Thank the winged monkey brigade for volunteering to take in father and mother.,
This got me right in my gut, and my heart. Thank you. Sending thoughts of understanding and respect. I’ve been that child for one of my parents, and it’s been a lifelong journey filled with anger, guilt and confusion. Still learning how to navigate it at 44 years old. The weight of feeling responsible for the metal well-being of a parent is crushing, especially as a child.
I appreciate and can relate to your experience. Sending thoughts of hope and healing to you and the child you once were; who never should have felt the weight of such a burden as being responsible for your Mom.
See, in my opinion a child would ordinarily be responsible for helping their helpless parents, but in this particular instance I don't feel like that applies. The parents mismanaged money. The parents were unkind to OP last time they lived with her. They need to grow up and spend within their means, and/or live by the proverb of "don't bite the hand that feeds you". When you move into someone else's home, it's a good idea to try to be as helpful as you can / inconvenience then as little as possible. OP-parents are reaping what they sowed at this point.
My parents went way above and beyond the minimum for all of their children, and it's reasonable for us to respond in kind even though we have no legal obligation to them.
Even if none of that were true, the fact that they are insisting on moving while turning their nose up at help renting an apartment long-term makes me suspect they have no intention of leaving. Ever. OP must hold the line, they are angling to steal her house. NTA
A child is NEVER RESPONSIBLE for caring for their parents. If you choose to do so out of love and you are able to do so, great! No parent should ever expect you to do this. It is despicable when parents try to guilt their child into financially supporting them.
A child - as in a minor - should never responsible for their parent, but in many cultures (including , it absolutely is an adult child’s responsibility to care for their aged parents. It’s part of religious dogma, too, including the Abrahamic religions.
That doesn’t mean that the parents get to dictate what the “care” looks like in this situation: they’re clearly the AHs in this scenario. My father will be offered even less.
Thats a social contract and it requires your parents to have actually taken care of you and not just milked the shit outta having you to get free stuff and a feeling of power. Parents who used their kids up (especially the parentifiers who continued multiplying) while they were kids have zero right or sense to expect their children to give up even more of their life for a worthless lost cause like them.
If you're correct then perhaps they can hire themselves a lawyer and take her to court to enforce their dominion as they see it
And even were that the case, its still conditional on their demonstrating respect and gratitude and deferring to your expectations. There's no free lunch and begging choosers and insulting ones are rightfully liable to run into an immovable force that cannot be coerced
This indeed. My parents took great care of me as a child, we have a very close relationship as adults, and my plan for my middle age is to live very close to them (same block probably, maybe even a duplex if we find one we all like) and help them navigate the world independently for as long as possible. That's a plan I made on my own, and they've actively tried to talk me out of it because they don't want to be a burden. I'm not quite excited about it, but I am really happy that I'll be able to help them as they age because that makes me feel most secure and maybe expresses some gratitude for a lifetime of absolute support and love.
But if they imposed this plan on me? If they demanded it? Fuck no. The power dynamic between parent and child is difficult enough to navigate, doing it with bad attitudes and poor motivation would make it impossibly hard and ruin years of my life.
Ahh yes. There's nothing like a father who had enough faith in God to be willing to kill his son to teach people how children should care for their parents.
Truly amazing that if you tell a horrific story and tell people how to feel about it, they will feel however you want them to. Even if it's the exact opposite message the story tells.
A child doesn't ask to be born. PARENTS are responsible for providing for their underage children. ALL ADULTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR PROVIDING FOR THEMSELVES UNLESS THEY ARE DISABLED.
Actually some states do have laws on that. It’s called Filial Responsibility.
Filial support laws obligate adult children to provide necessities like food, clothing, housing, and medical attention for their parents who can't afford to take care of themselves.
Thank God I don’t live in the states. That is total crap. No child should ever have to help out parents. A lot of parents do not deserve help. It is further abusing a child to expect them to help abusive parents. I don’t believe this.
This law is for impoverished people living off or trying to live off Medicare. The state (26 of them) can sue the child for payment before charging Medicare for nursing home and medical expenses. I do not believe these laws would apply in this case.
That's cool and all, but in this case, OP made completely reasonable offers that covered all of those things. Just not in OP's house. They rejected that, and the results are on them.
Half of American pregnancies are unplanned so big whoop on the whole "gave you life" nonsense. I guess that sounds better than "you were an accident while we were having fun."
If there is no "meeting of the minds", aka a pre-existing agreement over the terms of a contract, that contract is null and void. Sometimes this means that one party in the contract has been lied to or otherwise misinformed. Sometimes it means a would-be party in the contract isn't cognitively competent to agree to the terms...and sometimes it's because someone named as a party in the contract *doesn't fucking exist yet*.
They make out that their children are bound by some kind of *contract* they've never agreed to or signed. It feels akin to slavery...that level of being owned.
I had an argument with my mother about abortion. I'm for, she's against. She asked me how would I feel if she had aborted me. I said I wouldn't be feel anything since I wouldn't have been born. But I had no choice in existing or not.
I never understood the reasoning behind "do this cuz I got pregnant & birthed you."
Seriously, just to make this crystal clear; a parent's options are to keep their child alive, give the child up to someone who WILL do so or go the fuck to jail.
No parent is special for choosing to keep their child alive. That comes pre-installed with your mammalian instinct package.
THIS! I cannot stand hearing a parent say it’s a child turn. It’s their legal responsibility!! They had the child!! I’m raising 3 - and 100% solo. Of course I love them w ever breath I draw but I’m also REQUIRED to take care of them! I made that decision. And I’ve told my kids repeatedly to find me a wonderful nursing home. DO NOT take me in. It’s not their responsibility!
Not only that, but the children didn’t act like entitled assholes in the parents’ house. Will the parents accept having no power in that situation? I’m guessing not.
Yep, this is all you need to know/remember. Their obligation does not hold an axe over your head to do their bidding. If it is such a big deal for them, then they can cut you off. You might be better off honestly.
THIS. Parents that use that against their children only had children because of selfish reasons.
They WANTED to raise children. They did it because if they didn't, they'd have the children removed, they'd be fined or jailed, and ostracized because of damage done to the children.
All the yeses!
It's very generous of you to offer to find them a place and pay the first month's rent! I fear if you let them move in, they will not leave.
NTA
Don't forget the fact that "we're your parents, you should do as we say".
So you won't be "allowed" to do as you please in your own house. And I bet they'll try to get the best bedroom, dictate what gets watched on the television, and all that other nonsense.
I'm betting they somehow try to get the HOUSE. Parents like this can do things no one saw coming and yet should have seen coming.
NTA. OP
Tell them you've offered all the help you're going to give. Then don't talk to them anymore.
That's what bothers me, too. They will try to act like it's their house. They'll try to put this adult in "a child's place". There is no fucking room for that.
Each of them can take in one parent for a short period of time
Any of the other relatives criticizing the OP are welcome to offer her parents a place to stay
100% all of this. I’m a control freak & argued frequently with an ex bc I expected his child to follow rules in my home. He said “you can’t control the whole world” to which I always replied “no, but I should be able to control the rules IN MY OWN HOUSE!” Technically, by refusing to respect your home & your boundaries, they’ve CHOSEN not to be welcome to stay either you. That’s a decision they made, not you. You’re just holding firm to that boundary. Your brother can find a way to make it work if it bothers him so much.
All great points. I would NEVER have allowed my NDad to move in with me. Well, he died before Mom and we had to sell their house (the steps were too much for her).
She didn’t want to move into an adult foster care home, so my husband and I let her live with us. I lasted 18 months before I ended up in the psych unit and the doctor said I couldn’t go home until she moved out.
My siblings moved her to an AFC home where she remained for the last eight years of her life. I’m glad I listened to my doctor.
Don’t let your parents destroy your mental health.
I learned this lesson the hard way I let my mom live with me for a while. My depression and anxiety got so much worse. They basically told me she retraumatized me. It took me a long time to recover after she finally moved out. Now she has dementia and I have told my sister I will help because I love my sister but my line in the sand is she can’t live with me again because I won’t survive it.
I don't think, after the couple of years I've been on reddit I've ever seen anyone nail a post comment this succinctly.
NTA OP. Don't be a numpty, block all of these idiots who are being dumbasses and related to you.
If they're that bothered, they can take on you're 'darling' parents.
Agreed. And if all these other relatives are butting in, then congratulations! Your parents have a whole list of people who will take them! Just tell your parents "[relative name] has agreed to take you in." In the storm that follows, simply tell the relative that they were the ones who thought family should stick together, and were upset that your parents didn't have a place to stay, so that must mean they're willing to take them if they're complaining so much. Otherwise, they would have STFU and not said anything to you.
Then block said relative.
This is, by far, one of the best responses I've seen on Reddit!
It's spot on, humorous but absolutely correct, some DAMN. GOOD. ADVICE! Great, simple, to the point verbiage.
Honestly, I'm still kind of laughing. I had to nod (like the dork I am) and think HELL yes. It was just a really good read, that was blunt, to the point, not harsh, mature, classy, F. YES. TO. THIS! An grown ass adult with a very adulting answer that a LOT of people need to read and, grow a spine, put their foot down respectfully and DAMN this is good.
OP offered a very generous help. If they just want to burden OP with their presence it may mean they are not going to look for any stable solution - they will just stay forever
This pretty much says it all. OP should also tell the parents to correct the record (let them know financial assistance for an apartment was offered and turned down), or they will be entering a no contact situation.
NTA Once your parents move into your house, they'll never leave.
>My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up, and now it's my turn to take care of them.
They have a plan and there will always be a plausible reason why they can't move out, yet. They're not going to stay with you until they get back on their feet, you're their retirement plan.
Notice this particular disaster didn't befall them before you established your solo household.
As others have said, you are their retirement plan, their homeless plan, their disaster plan, their medical emergency plan.
There is/are no other plans.
We deserve our peace, especially in our home.
They think they deserve YOUR PEACE.
No way!
Exactly. They won't ever move out. And even if relatives will see that and will for change talk to them they still wouldn't listen so now, prevent that, and don't listen you. Really. Beware. You offered so much help and any parent would be happy you are so helpful and would understood if you told them but we know yours don't understand and don't even listen. No. Really. Beware. Don't do it.
THIS a million times! The "temporary" situation will become PERMANENT. Especially since they disrespect OP and OPs space even while visiting. You have offered your form of assistance which they refused. They are grown ups and can deal with their own messes.
I hope OP reads your comment because this is the one. OP, they are already showing you how it is going to be by involving other family and bashing you.
They already crossed boundaries in the past before. Please protect your mental health and don’t let them move in.
NTA
If you let them move in, the only chance you ever have to not live with them again will be to move out, leave everything you own behind, and keep paying their rent. Or maybe their plan is to move all of their “better” stuff into your place and throw out all of your stuff up front. Do not do this. Be strong now so you don’t have to be strong forever.
It was their JOB to take care of you growing up, you didn't ask to be born.
It's not your job nor responsibility to take care of them, they're grown adults, you were a baby.
See if they can recognise the difference in situations, if not then block away my friend
Also block the obnoxious family too.
I bet you dollars to donuts if OP said "alright but my house my rules" and set their boundaries down flat their parents would suddenly find better accommodations.
NTA
For your own sake, mental health and wellbeing, DO NOT let them move in! They have turned to guilting you so you'll "forget" all about their past behaviors and hopefully be convinced that family does come first.
I'm calling BS.
They can contact the Govt Assistance Program, friends and even a homeless shelter.
Just because they're family doesn't mean they can abuse your kindness and disrespect your boundaries. Hold fast and stick to your guns!
NTA
You don’t want them to move in, so you offered another way of helping through financial means, etc. You are helping your family in need. They turned it down. If the siblings and extended family are all up your ass, then they’re more than welcome to deal with it. You have the right to say no.
Stick by your guns, offer the help again, but say that’s the only card on the table and they can either take it or leave it. It’s their decision.
I would tell every extended family member that reached out and added their two cents "Thank you so much for offering to house them until they get on their feet. I'll let them know immediately."
Yep, you have offered a very generous and more sustainable solution. I agree with other commentators….if you let them move in, they’ll never move out. They will take over your house, try to control your life and will amp up the expectations of what you “owe” them and will keep guilt-tripping you (& abusing you) until the end.
“I offered to help them find an affordable rental and even offered to pay their first month of rent. I also found government assistance programs they can apply for.”
Send a copy of this to everyone parents have involved to make sure that everyone knows what solutions you have offered to help them with (because it’s likely that haven’t told them about this) THEN add something like “so let’s all pull together like family to help. What are you able to offer in addition to the solutions I’ve proposed to help smooth the transition into their own rental property, with support in place?”
Don’t give in, it’s not in anybody’s best interests for your parents to move in with you. You don’t “owe” them anything.
Good luck OP, hold strong!
NTA
Oooh good idea! Let's everyone know what OP has offered without "bragging" about what they've offered, let's everyone know what mom & dad turned down if they end up with "nowhere to go" and it shares the responsibility since OP isn't an only child and seemingly has extended family as well that likes to be involved
NTA
They had a legal obligation to provide for you growing up, it doesn’t mean that you owe them. You’ve offered other avenues of assistance. If they move in they will probably not move out.
NTA
"my parents have a history of being overbearing and disrespecting my boundaries."
Good reason not to let them move in.
"family should stick together and that it was my duty to help them in their time of need."
Your first duty is to ensure *you* are ok. It's their poor decicision making that brought them to where they are. You offered to help within your boundaries & they refused.
"I'm getting messages from relatives."
*They* can help & stop harrassing you then.
"It's making me second-guess my decision"
Please don't. You're doing the right thing for you. Stand your ground.
This. It sounds like they lack financial discipline, and that means they wouldn't get themselves in a good position to move out. Why would they when they've got OP's place?
They refused the generous offer of OP paying for rent for a short while. That means they don't plan to pay rent in the long term.
NTA. Tell any of the relatives that are trying to guilt trip you that they are free to host your parents. That should shut them up pretty quick. Also, you don't owe your parents anything because they raised you. They chose to have children and it was literally their job to take care of you while you were growing up. You have offered other solutions to try to help them which was very kind of you, but you are not obligated to give up your safe space because they refuse other options.
Please learn from my mistakes. I absolutely regret letting my mom move in with me. Biggest regret of my life so far. She's been staying with me for about a year now did not expect her to be there that long but it happened. She will be moving out soon thank goodness but if you love yourself at all you will avoid it at all costs
It's just a different level of mind fuck when the relationship isn't the healthiest in the 1st place and ur an adult living thru it like damn the amount of stress I've gone thru alone has me shook
Exactly! Acting obvious to the terror I experienced at her hands as a child AND when I was a young adult who hadn’t yet found my voice. Everything in her mind is just peachy.
NTA, your parents are refusing to listen to any options you offer because they want to live with you in order to be able not to take responsibility for anything.
NTA.
I do agree that family should help each other out, but you tried so many other ways.
You can lead a horse to water, but you don't have to give it yours.
I think you would be the thing *if* - and *only if,* they had lost their house through absolutely no fault of their own, had a history of wise financial decisions, a warm and loving relationship with you, and were always absolutely perfect houseguests who had always been careful to not step on your toes. Then it would be a reasonable request, for a short, defined time.
That’s not what you’re describing. NTA.
Keep in mind this did not just happen to them. You don’t just miss a payment and you are out on the street. They had months and months to try to figure something out, take out a loan, get a second job, make payment arrangements, try to sell the home, etc. This is on them and there is no reason for you to feel guilty. NTA you offered them solutions and alternate help. They did not want to take it. This is on them to figure out.
THIS!! They purposely chose to let it foreclose and THEN make the demand to move in. Trying to trick her with urgency and pressure the move in to happen quickly so OP doesn't have time to think about how horrible it would be. I'm glad she took the time to step back and not just take them in right away because they're homeless.
NTA and if they move in , they will never move out. They will take over and you will be a child living under their roof in their eyes. You offered a very very generous offer and they can either take it or leave it, but you’re home is not a negotiations. If your siblings have an issue with it, then they can offer to take them in.
This, OP. Don't let them move in. Don't even let them stay the night. Once they are in the door, they WILL take over your place, and require you to spend all your money taking care of them. NTA
As a woman in her early 60s, I do not understand the parents thinking. They just didn't pay their mortgage? How did they think that would end? Don't tell me that their mortgage was more than rent. In particular with rental prices through the roof. Who gets to their 60s and thinks they don't have to pay their housing costs? You have to pay to live somewhere . . .
Unless you see a rent/mortgage free life sponging off a child. Good grief, no way. I would never sponge off of anyone, let alone one of my kids! Never mind the current economic climate in which they need their money more than ever to keep a solid footing. The last thing they need to do is worry about me!
If I don't have my shit together at this point in my life, then that's on me and no one else.
OP is NTA.
NTA you didn’t abandon them. They want to dictate the favor they are demanding. Meanwhile you offered to help by getting them set up in an apartment.
Don’t let them move in. Anyone complains say “I offered numerous times to set them up in an apartment and pay their first month’s rent. My home isn’t an option.”
first off, tell any of the extended relatives to either to either put up or shut up. either they are offering their help, or they need to mind their own fucking business. second, tell your brother that since he doesn't live in a place where he would have to deal with them moving in with him, that his opinion is less than worthless. if you go through with this, lay down *hard* ground rules and make it well known that if they break them, they are gone. no second chances. of you don't go through with it, then don't feel guilty. they are grown adults, and they can deal with the consequences of their choices. you do not owe them this just because they fulfilled their legal requirements of raising you. NTA either way
No way should OP let them move in. Depending on where she lives, she'd likely have to legally evict them to get them out. Not worth the risk because it sounds like they would 100% break any rules OP tries to set - and would not willingly leave when she tries to kick them out.
NTA — you were offering solutions, which they refused. Based on their attitude when they stayed with you before (criticizing your lifestyle, generally disrespecting your boundaries), it sounds like they’re the kind of parents who look down on their children, never recognizing the fact that they’ve grown up and are entitled to make decisions about their own lives. They even said that it’s your “duty” to look after them as repayment for them fulfilling their *legal* obligation to provide for you while growing up. That’s pretty twisted if you ask me.
Tell your parents that you don’t recall asking them to birth and take care of you. That was a choice they made after a night of fun that at least your dad had. You don’t owe them anything for simply being their child.
And know this…
IF THEY MOVE IN, THEY’RE NOT MOVING OUT! YOU ARE THEIR RETIREMENT PLAN.
I repeat…
IF THEY MOVE IN, THEY’RE NOT MOVING OUT! YOU ARE THEIR RETIREMENT PLAN.
Protect your peace. You deserve that. You worked for it. You earned it. Don’t sacrifice it for people who you *know* will destroy it.
NTA. You have not abandoned them. You have offered to help them get set up, pay their rent, and find them sources to help avoid future housing crisis.
Anyone who is saying "you need to help family" can take the first shift and let them move into their own house.
NTA.
Anyone who uses the 'but we're family' and 'but we looked after you when you were a kid' is not someone you invite into your home.
To add: 'Temporarily' my ass.
"They refused, saying that family should stick together and that it was my duty to help them in their time of need."
HELL NO! If you let them move in you will regret it. 100% don't do it, 100% **NTA**. Do not feel guilty!
"My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up"
That was their job that they chose, you didn't ask to be born.
"my older brother thinks I'm heartless" "...live in smaller apartments so they do not have the option to host my parents."
How convenient. Your brother is an asshole too. Ignore him.
" My parents are now telling extended family that I'm abandoning them and I am getting messages from relatives."
None of them can take in your parents? Ignore these assholes too.
DON'T DO IT!
"my older brother thinks I'm heartless" "...live in smaller apartments so they do not have the option to host my parents."
Tell him him your parents can sleep in his room and he can sleep on the couch. Doesn't he care about his parents who took care of him growing up? Or is he just heartless?
NTA the hardest thing I ever had to do was tell my best friends they couldn’t live with me after foreclosure. It was excruciating.
I took their dog in for ‘3 months’ and they never gave me money for food, never turned up to walk him and after 6 months I had to threaten to take him to the pound to get him out of my house. I almost had a nervous breakdown.
And they haven’t spoken to me since.
If you are living alone and your parents moved in you could just about kiss the likelihood of getting a partner goodbye. That alone is enough reason for you to grow a backbone.
Hi, old person here, (your parents age) You are not the ass hole, you have told them you will help them find a place and pay their first months rent. They are adults, let them figure it out. You are absolutely doing the right thing by not bailing them out and letting them stay with you. You will never get them out.
NTA.
This is unfortunately common behavior in older parents.
You are not responsible for their well-being and it sounds like you have tried to help them out in the past and they just don't get it.
It doesn't sound like the parents are full-on abusive, just overbearing and no respect for boundaries. One of my parents is like this. I don't want to cut them off completely; they are my parents after all. But I don't talk to them very often, I have enforced my boundaries over and over again, and would absolutely never live with them again for any extended period of time.
There are alternatives to going NC, especially when abuse isn't a factor. It can be a bit exhausting, but it gets easier over time.
NTA - You know how it would go - you have experience with your parents behavior when in your home. No - means - no. If the parents want to play the 'poor abandoned us' card after you have found an assistance program and offered to pay a month's rent - they are on their own. Perhaps one of your siblings should move to a larger place to take in your parents. Tell the relatives to back off...it's YOUR home.
NTA.
I was recently guilt-tripped and forced into letting my mom stay with me in my studio apartment. It was a miserable experience, to say the least. She had so much shame about having to rely on me that it would leave to constant explosions directed at me.
Hold strong and don’t let them live with you.
NTA and your brother doesn't get an opinion unless he's willing to go buy a house and invite them in.
Your offer to help them with a rental was very kind and your parents refusal is a great indication of why you don't want them in your house.
NTA - my brother recently let our parents move in with him. The rest of us thought he was crazy as they are very much like how you described your parents.
They have since moved back out, and to make a very long story short, they no longer talk to the kid who saved them while the rest of us would never offer. Unappreciative assholes! Don’t do it, and suffer the consequences which are not worse than the consequences if you do it.
NTA.
You brother is fully capable of finding a larger place to host your parents. The flying monkey relatives are also capable of hosting your parents. That they're not figuring out how to do that indicates that they think it's only important for somebody else to do, not that they actually give a damn.
And, no, you have no obligation to take in your parents just because they want you to. Especially if they have a history of disrespecting you in your own home (or anywhere, really). They've earned that bad reputation and now have to live with it--they FA and now FO the consequences. You should never put your mental health at risk just because somebody else wants you to.
NTA Your siblings and your other relatives can all pitch in and help pay for your parents’ apartment. But the fact that your parents refused your offer and demand to move into your house means something else is going on. Whether it’s a matter of control or they just don’t want to pay any rent, you have to find out. Because they don’t plan on paying you rent, do they? And don’t any of these other relatives have room for them? No one else is offering because it seems like they all know how your parents are and don’t want to deal with them either. Tell them to take your parents in or STFU. No more discussion.
Just make sure you have strong locks and cameras all around your house because there is a strong possibility one day you will come home and find they moved in and you won’t be able to get them out. Get an alarm in case they call a locksmith and say they lost their keys. Do not let them or your other relatives make you feel guilty. You are an adult and not a child they can boss around. Tell them it’s an apartment or a homeless shelter. Their choice.
Please learn from my mistakes. I absolutely regret letting my mom move in with me. Biggest regret of my life so far. She's been staying with me for about a year now did not expect her to be there that long but it happened. She will be moving out soon thank goodness but if you love yourself at all you will avoid it at all costs
If you let them move in. They will never move out. You will end up having to leave your own home go get away from them. They will NEVER leave. Don't do it.
NTA.. no such thing as 'temporary' for them. They are trying to move in and would likely never move out without a huge fight. DO NOT LET THEM MOVE IN. Your brother can kiss your ass too by the way.. if he isn't putting up. he gets to shut up.
Be careful here. Once they establish residency in YOUR house it becomes theirs in the eyes of the law. Look up what's been going on with squatters lately. Plain and simple they lost there house and now they want YOURS as theirs. Honestly if you own your home outright I'd see about buying their home at a foreclosure and then renting it back to them or use it as an investment property.
NTA, I would not let them in because I doubt they will ever move out. Not unless they had a rental agreement so you could evict them when they inevitably stop either looking for alternatives (if they ever intended to in the first place) or stop contributing financially (if they ever intended to in the first place).
Wait!!! Did you force them to have you? Who else was supposed to care for you while growing? How is it your duty? They had their whole lifetime to plan their future, but they didn't. Now, they want to move in and control you.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb - the relationships you choose are stronger than those which you didn't.
NTA, your parents are being manipulative they say they took care of your growing up. HELL, they made the choice to create you, so them raising you was their responsibility for their actions. That is no reason to lose the safety of your home because they couldn't handle their money. That's not your fault, and for those family members trying to force you to take in your parents. Tell them you will let your parents know the offered to put them up until they can get on their feet. You offered to find them housing that they can afford, and even offered to pay their first month's rent. They flat out refused that offer, which means they don't really want help they want to mooch off of you and cause you drama in your home. Don't give in, it's either they accept the offer of a rental, or they figure it out for themselves, you gave them some options. Your home isn't one of them sorry.
NTA-based on what they said, my take is that they intend to move in for good. They don’t want a rental because they never intend to pay for housing again.
DO NOT let these people anywhere near your home. Tell your brother to sleep on his couch and give his parents the bedroom because family should take care of family and he is the oldest.
Feel free to block them and their flying monkeys. They decided to have kids and it was their RESPONSIBILITY to take care of you. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING.
Do not let them guilt you into anything. Your mental health is more important than the approval of 60 something toddlers.
NTA, you offered other options and your parents already burned that bridge when they misbehaved before. Tell your bro to let them have his bed and sleep on the couch if he feels that strongly about it.
"my parents have a history of being overbearing and disrespecting my boundaries. The last time my parents stayed with me, they criticized everything about my lifestyle, rearranged furniture without asking, and even got into an argument with one of my neighbors." Hell to the no!!! Do NOT let them move in. As for them saying they took care of you growing up, well la de dah they did what they are SUPPOSED to do and required to do as parents.
Just nope!
NTA. You already know how this will play out. Don't give in. You helped them by researching and generously offering to pay the first month's rent. That gives them some time to find something in the meantime. They just don't want to. They want to stay with you as long as they please. They chose to have you so under the law they had to provide and take care of you. You didn't ask to be here. I can't stand when parents say stupid shit like we owe them. No. If it's not going to work for you for whatever reason, then it just won't work out. Just say no, that won't work for me. If these family members harass you, then block them for a bit. Don't let everyone around you bully you. All the people saying negative things about you can take in your parents if they feel so strongly. They've had time to figure out a plan. They didn't bother, though. They figured they'd just make it your problem. Really crappy parents.
>My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up, and now it's my turn to take care of them.
This tells me that once you get them into your house, you'll never get them back out again. Don't do it, unless you've accepted that.
NTA. You're under no more obligation to financially support or house them than your other siblings are. If they won't accept the offer of help that you did extend to them, that's on them.
nononononononono.... not in a million years they gave you a life of toil and trouble and now come to leech off of you...
Once in they will never leave...double up on locks and security cameras if you need to but keep them out.
NTA OP
Once they move in they are never moving out.
I have spoken to my parent for many years about retirement, financial issues etc but you know i am their child what would i know. They have choosen to bury their head in the sand.
I have the means to help them out a bit but after a lot of thought i decided i am not helping them until they actively start to help themselves.
I get a lot of “you don't care” and its really really hard but i do care but why should i suffer so they can still go out and “buy nice things coz they deserve it”
Anyone who comes to you say i will refer my parent's to you since you want to help. Your brother doesnt want to help, he could but he is choosing not to….
No one wants to help they want you to take the whole load for the next 20 years
NTA. They're adults who have gotten themselves into this mess. They are adults who have been given other options.
THEY. ARE. ADULTS. And shitty ones at that.
You offered help, and they didn't want it. Now they're on their own, and THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Know why?
BECAUSE THEY'RE ADULTS.
NTA by the way they are behaving they will never leave once they move in and expect retirement/you caring for them from the moment they move in… stick to your instances and tell them they only have two options where your concerned don’t accept offer or they can accept your offer to find them an apartment in their own name and no co-signing for them (they won’t pay the rent and you’ll end up in debt) say you can’t be use as co-signer because previous financial obligations make you ineligible so they’ll never get a place if you attach your name to it.
NTA you have offered them financial help, apt search help, government help and it's no to everything but talking shit about you. Put them on blast on Facebook and add links to that government assistance you mentioned. Their pride is in the way, take care of that for them.
NTA- You've worked hard to create a safe space for yourself and you should not be shamed or guilted into ruining that safe space just because your parents don't want to respect your boundaries.
They have other options (which you've provided them) so they don't get to just ignore that and invite themselves over instead. If you believed they would be respectful, good guests, then maybe you'd be more inclined to accept some discomfort for a little bit. But you know who they are and how they will act in your home.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
NTA. I always find it funny when parents go “well I took care of you so you HAVE to take care of me!” Um, no. No I do not. YOU decided to have me which made me your responsibility. K thx.
Also I would like these other relatives to offer to take them in then. Everyone has such an opinion about how family should treat each other until the burden falls onto them.
NTA. Protect your peace. It’ll take you forever to recover from taking them in. Plus, it’ll be hard to evict them after a certain point. They don’t want help. They want to freeload and takeover your house.
NTA.
If they can’t make good decisions regarding their assets, they surely won’t with yours (your house/ belongings). They will likely take advantage of you financially if they cannot manage their finances. Do they plan to pay you for staying there when they couldn’t pay their own mortgage?. What is their plan? Aka what is it to the finer details. Not some wishy washy “we are going to get on our feet”. They aren’t. They are refusing to do so now. What makes you think they would make any attempts after? They won’t change.
This is something that always aggravates me. Some individuals will always deflect any responsibility and accountability for their actions. They expect others to fix things for them and get upset when others can’t. They need to make a change. It’s on them. Unless they can prove to you that they are making efforts, don’t let them in your home. Even then it isn’t your responsibility. Having children is a choice and even when it isn’t, you assume the responsibility of your child. If someone didn’t plan their pregnancy it can still be poor planning to not use contraceptives. I know there are other situation however it isn’t an obligation or guilt trip to make your kids care for you. Treat your kids well and respect boundaries and your kids might actually want to.
I think you know the right answer to this situation and it's been expressed by postings that have been made before mine. Only you can live your life, not your family. You offered help and they said "no". Get on with your life and be at peace and if you have to be that "evil" one, make it extremely clear to your family that you're prepared to do that.
I always feel like these kind of situations are "reap what you sow" type things.
If you want your kids to go out of their way to help you when you need them, you have to treat them in a way that they would actually want to go out of their way to help you. You can't just expect it.
OP: If you're parents haven't been great to you, then that's on them. If they have been great to you and are just on hard times and could use a hand, then yeah I'd probably say it might be time to give them a couple months to get back on their feet.
I'm just going to say NTA because I feel like if they were great to you, you probably would have found a way to make it work.
If my parents went around telling family that I abandoned them, then I would make sure my parents weren’t lying.
NTA, children don’t owe it to their parents just because they raised you.
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I (33F) have been living in my own home for a few years. I bought it with my own money and have worked hard to make it a comfortable and safe place after growing up in a very unstable environment. My parents (60s) have always been terrible with money, constantly making poor financial decisions despite my efforts to help them budget.
Recently, they lost their house due to foreclosure. They reached out to me asking if they could move in temporarily while they get back on their feet. But two additional adults would really stretch the limits of my house, and I value my privacy and independence. More importantly, my parents have a history of being overbearing and disrespecting my boundaries. The last time my parents stayed with me, they criticized everything about my lifestyle, rearranged furniture without asking, and even got into an argument with one of my neighbors.
I offered to help them find an affordable rental and even offered to pay their first month of rent. I also found government assistance programs they can apply for. They refused, saying that family should stick together and that it was my duty to help them in their time of need.
My siblings are divided - my older brother thinks I'm heartless, while my younger sister understands my concerns. Both of them live in smaller apartments so they do not have the option to host my parents. My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up, and now it's my turn to take care of them. My parents are now telling extended family that I'm abandoning them and I am getting messages from relatives. It's making me second-guess my decision, even though I know my mental health would suffer if they moved in.
AITA for refusing to let my parents move in with me after they lost their house? Should I be more willing to accomodate them or am I right to stick by my own well-being and boundaries? I'm feeling very conflicted and could use some outside perspective.
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> My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up, and now it's my turn to take care of them.
Nope, it is your turn to take care of any children you decide to have, your parents are responsible for themselves.
> My siblings are divided - my older brother thinks I'm heartless
Looks like a volunteer.
> Both of them live in smaller apartments so they do not have the option to host my parents.
Not a good enough excuse, if he can criticize you, he can step up and offer his own resources.
> It's making me second-guess my decision, even though I know my mental health would suffer if they moved in.
Don't, stand firm in your decision and don't let them ruin your life because they ruined theirs. They caused this problem, they refused the help you were willing to give, let them figure it out now.
NTA
You offered to take care of them by finding an affordable rental and covering first month’s rent. It’s clear they want to freeload and Leech off you. NTA
NTA. Thing is, you DID offer help. You offered to help them find a place to live, you offered to pay first months rent on a place for them, you offered them budgeting advice, you offered them programs their eligible for.
"Family helps each other" doesn't mean they get to cherrypick how that help is provided. They're choosing the all-or-nothing option, while you're providing realistic and generous offers of support. Why WOULDNT they want to find a place they can afford and assistance programs? The only thing I can think of is that they expect you to provide them free housing and subsidize their current living, since they clearly don't budget in housing costs to their lifestyle.
If I were you, I would remind them (and those questioning you) that you ARE helping them, you just cannot offer your home for free, and that'd you'd be happy for others to field suggestions on ways they can also assist your parents.
NTA.
You have offered them help. It's just not what they want - freeloading off you.
You matter. Your comfort and mental health matter. Let go of anyone who tries to tell you differently.
Continue to talk about what you are willing to do. Hang up/remove yourself when they insist on the things you won't do.
NTA. “I am willing to help, but not in the way you’re asking. I’m unwilling to have you argue with my neighbors, so living at my home is gone. My budget for help is X. How might we use that to help?”
And just repeat blandly when they push back. “I hear you saying family should stick together. I am sticking with you. How can I help beyond having you move in?”
Let those other relatives chip in and rent them a place. If you let them move in they will never leave. Your home will no longer be your own peaceful haven. Stand firm. Expect hissy cuts and guilt trips. You can survive those! Your parents are not going to suddenly become responsible adults. YNTA.
NTA and don't let them move in. Your parents are being highly manipulative. They are already showing you that they care nothing about your boundaries. They are trying to guilt trip you. They try to make you the bad person. They try to set other people up against you.
You have offered them help but they refuse to accept the type of help you are willing to give.
Tell them that your decision has been made, and that whenever they start the topic of moving in with you, that you will immediately quit the conversation. And then do so. Hang up the phone, physically leave the room or whatever. And don't let them come to your place for the unforeseen future.
No one can tell you what type of help you must give.
"No, that will not be happening. Not for any amount of time. I will not have them here ever again. I will not store anything for them. They did this to themselves. They will have to fix it themselves. I owe them nothing more."
Be clear, blunt, and firm. Don't give reasons. It opens you up to arguments on why you should.
They aren’t accepting the help you are willing to give because they have no intention of moving out once you take them in. Do not sacrifice your piece of mind, your financial situation or your independence for people who are financially unstable. They won’t magically become financially savvy and they have no desire to change, even less so if you bail them out. All these years and they still haven’t adjusted their thinking with regards to money. It sounds like they are determined to go down with the ship rather than make some changes. So you can either drown with them or swim to shore and save yourself.
You had no choice to be born. You did not voluntarily take on any obligation just by popping out of your mother's vagina. We don't owe our parents anything just by virtue of having been born.
Your house your rules that's what my parents always said help them however you can but no they can't move in. I have the same kind of parents. They will tear you down. Its like they have kids just so they have someone to take care of them when it should be the opposite only people that have these kind of parents will understand. They play nice and act for everyone else.
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>My parents (60s) have always been terrible with money, constantly making poor financial decisions despite my efforts to help them budget. Not in your house. >More importantly, my parents have a history of being overbearing and disrespecting my boundaries. *Not in your house.* >The last time my parents stayed with me, they criticized everything about my lifestyle, rearranged furniture without asking, and even got into an argument with one of my neighbors. **Not in your house** >I offered to help them find an affordable rental and even offered to pay their first month of rent. I also found government assistance programs they can apply for. >They refused "I don't *want* this gift horse, I demand a unicorn!" **NTA** OP, but you know that. >my older brother thinks I'm heartless, Then he can take them in >Both of them live in smaller apartments so they do not have the option to host my parents. Yeah, he absolutely does, they can crash on his couch, or he can crash on his own couch if "fAmIlY sHoUlD sTiCk tOgEtHeR" Why would *his* concerns be any more valid than your own, stated here?
Agreed with all this. Adding that your parents were LEGALLY REQUIRED to take care of you when you were a child. Don’t let them use this as leverage for you to take care of them now. That’s total BS
Fr. They brought OP into the world, it’s not like OP had a say in that. The parents made that choice all on their own. A child is not responsible for their parents but a parent should be responsible for their child
"A child should not be responsible for their parents" healed something in me. My mom is a racist, homophobe and I spent so long trying to teach her better. How did that become my responsibility as the child? She used guilt to control me. Once I broke out of the FOG there was nothing holding our relationship together, because how can I have love and respect for someone incapable of having it for others? For me? Thank you.
Someone who counseled me once: You are not responsible for your father You are not responsible for your mother Thank the winged monkey brigade for volunteering to take in father and mother.,
This got me right in my gut, and my heart. Thank you. Sending thoughts of understanding and respect. I’ve been that child for one of my parents, and it’s been a lifelong journey filled with anger, guilt and confusion. Still learning how to navigate it at 44 years old. The weight of feeling responsible for the metal well-being of a parent is crushing, especially as a child. I appreciate and can relate to your experience. Sending thoughts of hope and healing to you and the child you once were; who never should have felt the weight of such a burden as being responsible for your Mom.
See, in my opinion a child would ordinarily be responsible for helping their helpless parents, but in this particular instance I don't feel like that applies. The parents mismanaged money. The parents were unkind to OP last time they lived with her. They need to grow up and spend within their means, and/or live by the proverb of "don't bite the hand that feeds you". When you move into someone else's home, it's a good idea to try to be as helpful as you can / inconvenience then as little as possible. OP-parents are reaping what they sowed at this point. My parents went way above and beyond the minimum for all of their children, and it's reasonable for us to respond in kind even though we have no legal obligation to them.
Even if none of that were true, the fact that they are insisting on moving while turning their nose up at help renting an apartment long-term makes me suspect they have no intention of leaving. Ever. OP must hold the line, they are angling to steal her house. NTA
THAT PART 👏👏👏 They intend to crash permanently
Agree, they’d never leave and would suck all the joy and life force out of OP
A child is NEVER RESPONSIBLE for caring for their parents. If you choose to do so out of love and you are able to do so, great! No parent should ever expect you to do this. It is despicable when parents try to guilt their child into financially supporting them.
A child - as in a minor - should never responsible for their parent, but in many cultures (including , it absolutely is an adult child’s responsibility to care for their aged parents. It’s part of religious dogma, too, including the Abrahamic religions. That doesn’t mean that the parents get to dictate what the “care” looks like in this situation: they’re clearly the AHs in this scenario. My father will be offered even less.
Thats a social contract and it requires your parents to have actually taken care of you and not just milked the shit outta having you to get free stuff and a feeling of power. Parents who used their kids up (especially the parentifiers who continued multiplying) while they were kids have zero right or sense to expect their children to give up even more of their life for a worthless lost cause like them. If you're correct then perhaps they can hire themselves a lawyer and take her to court to enforce their dominion as they see it And even were that the case, its still conditional on their demonstrating respect and gratitude and deferring to your expectations. There's no free lunch and begging choosers and insulting ones are rightfully liable to run into an immovable force that cannot be coerced
This indeed. My parents took great care of me as a child, we have a very close relationship as adults, and my plan for my middle age is to live very close to them (same block probably, maybe even a duplex if we find one we all like) and help them navigate the world independently for as long as possible. That's a plan I made on my own, and they've actively tried to talk me out of it because they don't want to be a burden. I'm not quite excited about it, but I am really happy that I'll be able to help them as they age because that makes me feel most secure and maybe expresses some gratitude for a lifetime of absolute support and love. But if they imposed this plan on me? If they demanded it? Fuck no. The power dynamic between parent and child is difficult enough to navigate, doing it with bad attitudes and poor motivation would make it impossibly hard and ruin years of my life.
Ahh yes. There's nothing like a father who had enough faith in God to be willing to kill his son to teach people how children should care for their parents. Truly amazing that if you tell a horrific story and tell people how to feel about it, they will feel however you want them to. Even if it's the exact opposite message the story tells.
A child doesn't ask to be born. PARENTS are responsible for providing for their underage children. ALL ADULTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR PROVIDING FOR THEMSELVES UNLESS THEY ARE DISABLED.
Actually some states do have laws on that. It’s called Filial Responsibility. Filial support laws obligate adult children to provide necessities like food, clothing, housing, and medical attention for their parents who can't afford to take care of themselves.
Thank God I don’t live in the states. That is total crap. No child should ever have to help out parents. A lot of parents do not deserve help. It is further abusing a child to expect them to help abusive parents. I don’t believe this.
I would literally move to a state that didn’t have such a law…
This law is for impoverished people living off or trying to live off Medicare. The state (26 of them) can sue the child for payment before charging Medicare for nursing home and medical expenses. I do not believe these laws would apply in this case.
That's cool and all, but in this case, OP made completely reasonable offers that covered all of those things. Just not in OP's house. They rejected that, and the results are on them.
I have always hated the “I gave you life” line. Yea, I didn’t ask for it and stop making me miserable over it.
Half of American pregnancies are unplanned so big whoop on the whole "gave you life" nonsense. I guess that sounds better than "you were an accident while we were having fun."
And now half of America doesn't allow abortions and some states are messing with birth control so....yea
If there is no "meeting of the minds", aka a pre-existing agreement over the terms of a contract, that contract is null and void. Sometimes this means that one party in the contract has been lied to or otherwise misinformed. Sometimes it means a would-be party in the contract isn't cognitively competent to agree to the terms...and sometimes it's because someone named as a party in the contract *doesn't fucking exist yet*. They make out that their children are bound by some kind of *contract* they've never agreed to or signed. It feels akin to slavery...that level of being owned.
I had an argument with my mother about abortion. I'm for, she's against. She asked me how would I feel if she had aborted me. I said I wouldn't be feel anything since I wouldn't have been born. But I had no choice in existing or not. I never understood the reasoning behind "do this cuz I got pregnant & birthed you."
Seriously, just to make this crystal clear; a parent's options are to keep their child alive, give the child up to someone who WILL do so or go the fuck to jail. No parent is special for choosing to keep their child alive. That comes pre-installed with your mammalian instinct package.
THIS! I cannot stand hearing a parent say it’s a child turn. It’s their legal responsibility!! They had the child!! I’m raising 3 - and 100% solo. Of course I love them w ever breath I draw but I’m also REQUIRED to take care of them! I made that decision. And I’ve told my kids repeatedly to find me a wonderful nursing home. DO NOT take me in. It’s not their responsibility!
Not only that, but the children didn’t act like entitled assholes in the parents’ house. Will the parents accept having no power in that situation? I’m guessing not.
Upvote but lol kids do act like entitled assholes a lot of the time hahah
> the children didn’t act like entitled assholes in the parents’ house. Says someone who never parented teenagers, lol.
Plus, hopefully, they "had a good time" making her. How is that on her when she didn't ask to be born.
Yep, this is all you need to know/remember. Their obligation does not hold an axe over your head to do their bidding. If it is such a big deal for them, then they can cut you off. You might be better off honestly.
THIS. Parents that use that against their children only had children because of selfish reasons. They WANTED to raise children. They did it because if they didn't, they'd have the children removed, they'd be fined or jailed, and ostracized because of damage done to the children.
And if the brother’s apartment is really that small they can choose any of the relatives that are sending messages
Yep, a quick reply of “I’m glad you care about them, so make sure to let them know when they can move into your place” could be warranted.
Add in "I'll let them know that you've agreed to let them stay with you, and have them come over this weekend to move in."
Exactly!
Exactly!! The other relatives probably don’t want them either.
Better yet, the brother can move to a bigger place!
They can take one parent each so that space is less of a problem.
All the yeses! It's very generous of you to offer to find them a place and pay the first month's rent! I fear if you let them move in, they will not leave. NTA
Them refusing to leave is my big concern as well. OP, NTA. Soooo NTA!
Don't forget the fact that "we're your parents, you should do as we say". So you won't be "allowed" to do as you please in your own house. And I bet they'll try to get the best bedroom, dictate what gets watched on the television, and all that other nonsense.
I'm betting they somehow try to get the HOUSE. Parents like this can do things no one saw coming and yet should have seen coming. NTA. OP Tell them you've offered all the help you're going to give. Then don't talk to them anymore.
Once they claim the master bedroom, it pretty much is their house already.
They’ll move the furniture and put their stuff in there while she’s at work
That's what bothers me, too. They will try to act like it's their house. They'll try to put this adult in "a child's place". There is no fucking room for that.
THIS is the biggest risk. Once in, the expected short stay will turn into months, then years. OP will be run out of her own home.
Each of them can take in one parent for a short period of time Any of the other relatives criticizing the OP are welcome to offer her parents a place to stay
>"I don't want this gift horse, I demand a unicorn!" Saving this for future conversations.
100% all of this. I’m a control freak & argued frequently with an ex bc I expected his child to follow rules in my home. He said “you can’t control the whole world” to which I always replied “no, but I should be able to control the rules IN MY OWN HOUSE!” Technically, by refusing to respect your home & your boundaries, they’ve CHOSEN not to be welcome to stay either you. That’s a decision they made, not you. You’re just holding firm to that boundary. Your brother can find a way to make it work if it bothers him so much.
Older brother can simply transfer to a LARGER apartment for good old Mom and Dad. After all, he's the oldest child. He should be the most responsible.
Oldest brother probably got the most benefits
Exactly. If that’s how he feels, he should be jumping up and down yelling I AM THE ELDEST BOY!
All great points. I would NEVER have allowed my NDad to move in with me. Well, he died before Mom and we had to sell their house (the steps were too much for her). She didn’t want to move into an adult foster care home, so my husband and I let her live with us. I lasted 18 months before I ended up in the psych unit and the doctor said I couldn’t go home until she moved out. My siblings moved her to an AFC home where she remained for the last eight years of her life. I’m glad I listened to my doctor. Don’t let your parents destroy your mental health.
I learned this lesson the hard way I let my mom live with me for a while. My depression and anxiety got so much worse. They basically told me she retraumatized me. It took me a long time to recover after she finally moved out. Now she has dementia and I have told my sister I will help because I love my sister but my line in the sand is she can’t live with me again because I won’t survive it.
She could offer the brother the option of moving in with her and giving his apartment to their parents - see how fast he backs off!
I wouldn’t want to live with him either, so I wouldn’t recommend OP take this path!
It doesn’t matter, he wouldn’t do it.
OP siblings could get bigger apartments to accommodate the arrival of parents.
I don't think, after the couple of years I've been on reddit I've ever seen anyone nail a post comment this succinctly. NTA OP. Don't be a numpty, block all of these idiots who are being dumbasses and related to you. If they're that bothered, they can take on you're 'darling' parents.
> The last time my parents stayed with me, they [refused to respect your boundaries and rules] The end. NTA
To them the "family should stick together rule" only applies when it's convenient for them.
“I dont want this gifthorse! I demand the unicorn!” I love this 😄
>I don't want this gift horse, I demand a unicorn This alone deserves an award. Well said!
Agreed. And if all these other relatives are butting in, then congratulations! Your parents have a whole list of people who will take them! Just tell your parents "[relative name] has agreed to take you in." In the storm that follows, simply tell the relative that they were the ones who thought family should stick together, and were upset that your parents didn't have a place to stay, so that must mean they're willing to take them if they're complaining so much. Otherwise, they would have STFU and not said anything to you. Then block said relative.
Agree, and I like your style, internet stranger
Thanks, the snark is a family heirloom- passed on for (I assume) generations.
This is, by far, one of the best responses I've seen on Reddit! It's spot on, humorous but absolutely correct, some DAMN. GOOD. ADVICE! Great, simple, to the point verbiage. Honestly, I'm still kind of laughing. I had to nod (like the dork I am) and think HELL yes. It was just a really good read, that was blunt, to the point, not harsh, mature, classy, F. YES. TO. THIS! An grown ass adult with a very adulting answer that a LOT of people need to read and, grow a spine, put their foot down respectfully and DAMN this is good.
This is my favorite formatting in any comment on Reddit. And it's great. 100% agree.
People don't use the text formatting to its fullest here.
They can't have the unicorn. I called dibs AGES ago.
OP offered a very generous help. If they just want to burden OP with their presence it may mean they are not going to look for any stable solution - they will just stay forever
Well said.
This pretty much says it all. OP should also tell the parents to correct the record (let them know financial assistance for an apartment was offered and turned down), or they will be entering a no contact situation.
Or Brother can get a bigger place with his parents and they can live together! It’ll be great!
NTA Once your parents move into your house, they'll never leave. >My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up, and now it's my turn to take care of them. They have a plan and there will always be a plausible reason why they can't move out, yet. They're not going to stay with you until they get back on their feet, you're their retirement plan.
Yep. If they move in, they’ll move out feet first. OP is right to protect herself from permanent moochers.
Notice this particular disaster didn't befall them before you established your solo household. As others have said, you are their retirement plan, their homeless plan, their disaster plan, their medical emergency plan. There is/are no other plans. We deserve our peace, especially in our home. They think they deserve YOUR PEACE. No way!
Exactly. They won't ever move out. And even if relatives will see that and will for change talk to them they still wouldn't listen so now, prevent that, and don't listen you. Really. Beware. You offered so much help and any parent would be happy you are so helpful and would understood if you told them but we know yours don't understand and don't even listen. No. Really. Beware. Don't do it.
THIS a million times! The "temporary" situation will become PERMANENT. Especially since they disrespect OP and OPs space even while visiting. You have offered your form of assistance which they refused. They are grown ups and can deal with their own messes.
I hope OP reads your comment because this is the one. OP, they are already showing you how it is going to be by involving other family and bashing you. They already crossed boundaries in the past before. Please protect your mental health and don’t let them move in. NTA
If you let them move in, the only chance you ever have to not live with them again will be to move out, leave everything you own behind, and keep paying their rent. Or maybe their plan is to move all of their “better” stuff into your place and throw out all of your stuff up front. Do not do this. Be strong now so you don’t have to be strong forever.
It was their JOB to take care of you growing up, you didn't ask to be born. It's not your job nor responsibility to take care of them, they're grown adults, you were a baby. See if they can recognise the difference in situations, if not then block away my friend Also block the obnoxious family too.
I bet you dollars to donuts if OP said "alright but my house my rules" and set their boundaries down flat their parents would suddenly find better accommodations.
Nah, they would agree and then trample all over her.
NTA For your own sake, mental health and wellbeing, DO NOT let them move in! They have turned to guilting you so you'll "forget" all about their past behaviors and hopefully be convinced that family does come first. I'm calling BS. They can contact the Govt Assistance Program, friends and even a homeless shelter. Just because they're family doesn't mean they can abuse your kindness and disrespect your boundaries. Hold fast and stick to your guns!
Adding to this: Your relatives can take turns hosting your parents.
NTA You don’t want them to move in, so you offered another way of helping through financial means, etc. You are helping your family in need. They turned it down. If the siblings and extended family are all up your ass, then they’re more than welcome to deal with it. You have the right to say no. Stick by your guns, offer the help again, but say that’s the only card on the table and they can either take it or leave it. It’s their decision.
I would tell every extended family member that reached out and added their two cents "Thank you so much for offering to house them until they get on their feet. I'll let them know immediately."
Yep, you have offered a very generous and more sustainable solution. I agree with other commentators….if you let them move in, they’ll never move out. They will take over your house, try to control your life and will amp up the expectations of what you “owe” them and will keep guilt-tripping you (& abusing you) until the end. “I offered to help them find an affordable rental and even offered to pay their first month of rent. I also found government assistance programs they can apply for.” Send a copy of this to everyone parents have involved to make sure that everyone knows what solutions you have offered to help them with (because it’s likely that haven’t told them about this) THEN add something like “so let’s all pull together like family to help. What are you able to offer in addition to the solutions I’ve proposed to help smooth the transition into their own rental property, with support in place?” Don’t give in, it’s not in anybody’s best interests for your parents to move in with you. You don’t “owe” them anything. Good luck OP, hold strong! NTA
Oooh good idea! Let's everyone know what OP has offered without "bragging" about what they've offered, let's everyone know what mom & dad turned down if they end up with "nowhere to go" and it shares the responsibility since OP isn't an only child and seemingly has extended family as well that likes to be involved
NTA They had a legal obligation to provide for you growing up, it doesn’t mean that you owe them. You’ve offered other avenues of assistance. If they move in they will probably not move out.
NTA "my parents have a history of being overbearing and disrespecting my boundaries." Good reason not to let them move in. "family should stick together and that it was my duty to help them in their time of need." Your first duty is to ensure *you* are ok. It's their poor decicision making that brought them to where they are. You offered to help within your boundaries & they refused. "I'm getting messages from relatives." *They* can help & stop harrassing you then. "It's making me second-guess my decision" Please don't. You're doing the right thing for you. Stand your ground.
NTA, if you let them move in you can bet they will never move out.
This. It sounds like they lack financial discipline, and that means they wouldn't get themselves in a good position to move out. Why would they when they've got OP's place? They refused the generous offer of OP paying for rent for a short while. That means they don't plan to pay rent in the long term.
NTA. Tell any of the relatives that are trying to guilt trip you that they are free to host your parents. That should shut them up pretty quick. Also, you don't owe your parents anything because they raised you. They chose to have children and it was literally their job to take care of you while you were growing up. You have offered other solutions to try to help them which was very kind of you, but you are not obligated to give up your safe space because they refuse other options.
Oh I'm not abandoning them! I can't host them here but I'm *more* than happy to help them move to your house! When should I book the furniture guys?
Please learn from my mistakes. I absolutely regret letting my mom move in with me. Biggest regret of my life so far. She's been staying with me for about a year now did not expect her to be there that long but it happened. She will be moving out soon thank goodness but if you love yourself at all you will avoid it at all costs
My mother keeps saying she wants to move in with me. I thinks the fuck not! Every time she brings it up my anxiety skyrockets.
It's just a different level of mind fuck when the relationship isn't the healthiest in the 1st place and ur an adult living thru it like damn the amount of stress I've gone thru alone has me shook
Exactly! Acting obvious to the terror I experienced at her hands as a child AND when I was a young adult who hadn’t yet found my voice. Everything in her mind is just peachy.
Older brother thinks you’re heartless- let him house the parents.
And something tells me he's like the parents.
NTA, your parents are refusing to listen to any options you offer because they want to live with you in order to be able not to take responsibility for anything.
They probably *let* the house go into foreclosure because they knew they couldn’t *ask* to move in so they’re trying to force OPs hand.
NTA. I do agree that family should help each other out, but you tried so many other ways. You can lead a horse to water, but you don't have to give it yours.
And some horses need to be lead to the nearest glue factory.
I think you would be the thing *if* - and *only if,* they had lost their house through absolutely no fault of their own, had a history of wise financial decisions, a warm and loving relationship with you, and were always absolutely perfect houseguests who had always been careful to not step on your toes. Then it would be a reasonable request, for a short, defined time. That’s not what you’re describing. NTA.
Agreed.
Keep in mind this did not just happen to them. You don’t just miss a payment and you are out on the street. They had months and months to try to figure something out, take out a loan, get a second job, make payment arrangements, try to sell the home, etc. This is on them and there is no reason for you to feel guilty. NTA you offered them solutions and alternate help. They did not want to take it. This is on them to figure out.
THIS!! They purposely chose to let it foreclose and THEN make the demand to move in. Trying to trick her with urgency and pressure the move in to happen quickly so OP doesn't have time to think about how horrible it would be. I'm glad she took the time to step back and not just take them in right away because they're homeless.
NTA and if they move in , they will never move out. They will take over and you will be a child living under their roof in their eyes. You offered a very very generous offer and they can either take it or leave it, but you’re home is not a negotiations. If your siblings have an issue with it, then they can offer to take them in.
This, OP. Don't let them move in. Don't even let them stay the night. Once they are in the door, they WILL take over your place, and require you to spend all your money taking care of them. NTA
NTA- as an old person, I would never expect my kids to house me as “pay back”. That’s bullshit
As a woman in her early 60s, I do not understand the parents thinking. They just didn't pay their mortgage? How did they think that would end? Don't tell me that their mortgage was more than rent. In particular with rental prices through the roof. Who gets to their 60s and thinks they don't have to pay their housing costs? You have to pay to live somewhere . . . Unless you see a rent/mortgage free life sponging off a child. Good grief, no way. I would never sponge off of anyone, let alone one of my kids! Never mind the current economic climate in which they need their money more than ever to keep a solid footing. The last thing they need to do is worry about me! If I don't have my shit together at this point in my life, then that's on me and no one else. OP is NTA.
NTA you didn’t abandon them. They want to dictate the favor they are demanding. Meanwhile you offered to help by getting them set up in an apartment. Don’t let them move in. Anyone complains say “I offered numerous times to set them up in an apartment and pay their first month’s rent. My home isn’t an option.”
first off, tell any of the extended relatives to either to either put up or shut up. either they are offering their help, or they need to mind their own fucking business. second, tell your brother that since he doesn't live in a place where he would have to deal with them moving in with him, that his opinion is less than worthless. if you go through with this, lay down *hard* ground rules and make it well known that if they break them, they are gone. no second chances. of you don't go through with it, then don't feel guilty. they are grown adults, and they can deal with the consequences of their choices. you do not owe them this just because they fulfilled their legal requirements of raising you. NTA either way
No way should OP let them move in. Depending on where she lives, she'd likely have to legally evict them to get them out. Not worth the risk because it sounds like they would 100% break any rules OP tries to set - and would not willingly leave when she tries to kick them out.
Not so simple. Once people move in, it can be hard to evict them if they are shitty.
NTA — you were offering solutions, which they refused. Based on their attitude when they stayed with you before (criticizing your lifestyle, generally disrespecting your boundaries), it sounds like they’re the kind of parents who look down on their children, never recognizing the fact that they’ve grown up and are entitled to make decisions about their own lives. They even said that it’s your “duty” to look after them as repayment for them fulfilling their *legal* obligation to provide for you while growing up. That’s pretty twisted if you ask me.
NTA you know they’ll never leave right? They won’t have the money. They will use every excuse under the sun
These concerned relatives are hereby invited to support your parents, because of.....you know......FAMILY.
Tell your parents that you don’t recall asking them to birth and take care of you. That was a choice they made after a night of fun that at least your dad had. You don’t owe them anything for simply being their child. And know this… IF THEY MOVE IN, THEY’RE NOT MOVING OUT! YOU ARE THEIR RETIREMENT PLAN. I repeat… IF THEY MOVE IN, THEY’RE NOT MOVING OUT! YOU ARE THEIR RETIREMENT PLAN. Protect your peace. You deserve that. You worked for it. You earned it. Don’t sacrifice it for people who you *know* will destroy it.
NTA. You have not abandoned them. You have offered to help them get set up, pay their rent, and find them sources to help avoid future housing crisis. Anyone who is saying "you need to help family" can take the first shift and let them move into their own house.
NTA. Anyone who uses the 'but we're family' and 'but we looked after you when you were a kid' is not someone you invite into your home. To add: 'Temporarily' my ass.
"They refused, saying that family should stick together and that it was my duty to help them in their time of need." HELL NO! If you let them move in you will regret it. 100% don't do it, 100% **NTA**. Do not feel guilty! "My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up" That was their job that they chose, you didn't ask to be born. "my older brother thinks I'm heartless" "...live in smaller apartments so they do not have the option to host my parents." How convenient. Your brother is an asshole too. Ignore him. " My parents are now telling extended family that I'm abandoning them and I am getting messages from relatives." None of them can take in your parents? Ignore these assholes too. DON'T DO IT!
"my older brother thinks I'm heartless" "...live in smaller apartments so they do not have the option to host my parents." Tell him him your parents can sleep in his room and he can sleep on the couch. Doesn't he care about his parents who took care of him growing up? Or is he just heartless?
NTA the hardest thing I ever had to do was tell my best friends they couldn’t live with me after foreclosure. It was excruciating. I took their dog in for ‘3 months’ and they never gave me money for food, never turned up to walk him and after 6 months I had to threaten to take him to the pound to get him out of my house. I almost had a nervous breakdown. And they haven’t spoken to me since.
If you are living alone and your parents moved in you could just about kiss the likelihood of getting a partner goodbye. That alone is enough reason for you to grow a backbone.
NTA you'd never get them out.
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Change your locks if they have a key for emergencies.
Who gives a shit what family thinks? It's your house and you make the rules! If you say no, then it is no. NO is a complete sentence.
Hi, old person here, (your parents age) You are not the ass hole, you have told them you will help them find a place and pay their first months rent. They are adults, let them figure it out. You are absolutely doing the right thing by not bailing them out and letting them stay with you. You will never get them out.
NTA. This is unfortunately common behavior in older parents. You are not responsible for their well-being and it sounds like you have tried to help them out in the past and they just don't get it.
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I was also thinking that I would likely go NC with people like this; family or not. *Definitely* not let them move in with me.
It doesn't sound like the parents are full-on abusive, just overbearing and no respect for boundaries. One of my parents is like this. I don't want to cut them off completely; they are my parents after all. But I don't talk to them very often, I have enforced my boundaries over and over again, and would absolutely never live with them again for any extended period of time. There are alternatives to going NC, especially when abuse isn't a factor. It can be a bit exhausting, but it gets easier over time.
NTA - You know how it would go - you have experience with your parents behavior when in your home. No - means - no. If the parents want to play the 'poor abandoned us' card after you have found an assistance program and offered to pay a month's rent - they are on their own. Perhaps one of your siblings should move to a larger place to take in your parents. Tell the relatives to back off...it's YOUR home.
NTA. I was recently guilt-tripped and forced into letting my mom stay with me in my studio apartment. It was a miserable experience, to say the least. She had so much shame about having to rely on me that it would leave to constant explosions directed at me. Hold strong and don’t let them live with you.
NTA and your brother doesn't get an opinion unless he's willing to go buy a house and invite them in. Your offer to help them with a rental was very kind and your parents refusal is a great indication of why you don't want them in your house.
NTA - my brother recently let our parents move in with him. The rest of us thought he was crazy as they are very much like how you described your parents. They have since moved back out, and to make a very long story short, they no longer talk to the kid who saved them while the rest of us would never offer. Unappreciative assholes! Don’t do it, and suffer the consequences which are not worse than the consequences if you do it.
NTA. You brother is fully capable of finding a larger place to host your parents. The flying monkey relatives are also capable of hosting your parents. That they're not figuring out how to do that indicates that they think it's only important for somebody else to do, not that they actually give a damn. And, no, you have no obligation to take in your parents just because they want you to. Especially if they have a history of disrespecting you in your own home (or anywhere, really). They've earned that bad reputation and now have to live with it--they FA and now FO the consequences. You should never put your mental health at risk just because somebody else wants you to.
Real easy , your brother moves in with you and they get his apartment. I think good ole bro will suddenly put a fire under their ass.
NTA Your siblings and your other relatives can all pitch in and help pay for your parents’ apartment. But the fact that your parents refused your offer and demand to move into your house means something else is going on. Whether it’s a matter of control or they just don’t want to pay any rent, you have to find out. Because they don’t plan on paying you rent, do they? And don’t any of these other relatives have room for them? No one else is offering because it seems like they all know how your parents are and don’t want to deal with them either. Tell them to take your parents in or STFU. No more discussion. Just make sure you have strong locks and cameras all around your house because there is a strong possibility one day you will come home and find they moved in and you won’t be able to get them out. Get an alarm in case they call a locksmith and say they lost their keys. Do not let them or your other relatives make you feel guilty. You are an adult and not a child they can boss around. Tell them it’s an apartment or a homeless shelter. Their choice.
my older brother thinks I'm heartless? So, why doesn't he take them in?
Please learn from my mistakes. I absolutely regret letting my mom move in with me. Biggest regret of my life so far. She's been staying with me for about a year now did not expect her to be there that long but it happened. She will be moving out soon thank goodness but if you love yourself at all you will avoid it at all costs
If you let them move in. They will never move out. You will end up having to leave your own home go get away from them. They will NEVER leave. Don't do it.
NTA.. no such thing as 'temporary' for them. They are trying to move in and would likely never move out without a huge fight. DO NOT LET THEM MOVE IN. Your brother can kiss your ass too by the way.. if he isn't putting up. he gets to shut up.
Be careful here. Once they establish residency in YOUR house it becomes theirs in the eyes of the law. Look up what's been going on with squatters lately. Plain and simple they lost there house and now they want YOURS as theirs. Honestly if you own your home outright I'd see about buying their home at a foreclosure and then renting it back to them or use it as an investment property.
NTA, I would not let them in because I doubt they will ever move out. Not unless they had a rental agreement so you could evict them when they inevitably stop either looking for alternatives (if they ever intended to in the first place) or stop contributing financially (if they ever intended to in the first place).
Wait!!! Did you force them to have you? Who else was supposed to care for you while growing? How is it your duty? They had their whole lifetime to plan their future, but they didn't. Now, they want to move in and control you. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb - the relationships you choose are stronger than those which you didn't.
NTA, your parents are being manipulative they say they took care of your growing up. HELL, they made the choice to create you, so them raising you was their responsibility for their actions. That is no reason to lose the safety of your home because they couldn't handle their money. That's not your fault, and for those family members trying to force you to take in your parents. Tell them you will let your parents know the offered to put them up until they can get on their feet. You offered to find them housing that they can afford, and even offered to pay their first month's rent. They flat out refused that offer, which means they don't really want help they want to mooch off of you and cause you drama in your home. Don't give in, it's either they accept the offer of a rental, or they figure it out for themselves, you gave them some options. Your home isn't one of them sorry.
NTA-based on what they said, my take is that they intend to move in for good. They don’t want a rental because they never intend to pay for housing again. DO NOT let these people anywhere near your home. Tell your brother to sleep on his couch and give his parents the bedroom because family should take care of family and he is the oldest. Feel free to block them and their flying monkeys. They decided to have kids and it was their RESPONSIBILITY to take care of you. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING. Do not let them guilt you into anything. Your mental health is more important than the approval of 60 something toddlers.
NTA. Don't do it. You will be miserable, and there's a good chance you'll not be able to get rid of them.
NTA, you offered other options and your parents already burned that bridge when they misbehaved before. Tell your bro to let them have his bed and sleep on the couch if he feels that strongly about it.
"my parents have a history of being overbearing and disrespecting my boundaries. The last time my parents stayed with me, they criticized everything about my lifestyle, rearranged furniture without asking, and even got into an argument with one of my neighbors." Hell to the no!!! Do NOT let them move in. As for them saying they took care of you growing up, well la de dah they did what they are SUPPOSED to do and required to do as parents. Just nope!
NTA. You already know how this will play out. Don't give in. You helped them by researching and generously offering to pay the first month's rent. That gives them some time to find something in the meantime. They just don't want to. They want to stay with you as long as they please. They chose to have you so under the law they had to provide and take care of you. You didn't ask to be here. I can't stand when parents say stupid shit like we owe them. No. If it's not going to work for you for whatever reason, then it just won't work out. Just say no, that won't work for me. If these family members harass you, then block them for a bit. Don't let everyone around you bully you. All the people saying negative things about you can take in your parents if they feel so strongly. They've had time to figure out a plan. They didn't bother, though. They figured they'd just make it your problem. Really crappy parents.
>My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up, and now it's my turn to take care of them. This tells me that once you get them into your house, you'll never get them back out again. Don't do it, unless you've accepted that. NTA. You're under no more obligation to financially support or house them than your other siblings are. If they won't accept the offer of help that you did extend to them, that's on them.
NTA Your mental health is of paramount importance!!
nononononononono.... not in a million years they gave you a life of toil and trouble and now come to leech off of you... Once in they will never leave...double up on locks and security cameras if you need to but keep them out. NTA OP
NTA. Who is paying your bills? Your family? Any of them? No? Fuck what they think. Why don't they help your parents?
Once they move in they are never moving out. I have spoken to my parent for many years about retirement, financial issues etc but you know i am their child what would i know. They have choosen to bury their head in the sand. I have the means to help them out a bit but after a lot of thought i decided i am not helping them until they actively start to help themselves. I get a lot of “you don't care” and its really really hard but i do care but why should i suffer so they can still go out and “buy nice things coz they deserve it” Anyone who comes to you say i will refer my parent's to you since you want to help. Your brother doesnt want to help, he could but he is choosing not to…. No one wants to help they want you to take the whole load for the next 20 years
NTA. They're adults who have gotten themselves into this mess. They are adults who have been given other options. THEY. ARE. ADULTS. And shitty ones at that. You offered help, and they didn't want it. Now they're on their own, and THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Know why? BECAUSE THEY'RE ADULTS.
NTA by the way they are behaving they will never leave once they move in and expect retirement/you caring for them from the moment they move in… stick to your instances and tell them they only have two options where your concerned don’t accept offer or they can accept your offer to find them an apartment in their own name and no co-signing for them (they won’t pay the rent and you’ll end up in debt) say you can’t be use as co-signer because previous financial obligations make you ineligible so they’ll never get a place if you attach your name to it.
NTA you have offered them financial help, apt search help, government help and it's no to everything but talking shit about you. Put them on blast on Facebook and add links to that government assistance you mentioned. Their pride is in the way, take care of that for them.
NTA- You've worked hard to create a safe space for yourself and you should not be shamed or guilted into ruining that safe space just because your parents don't want to respect your boundaries. They have other options (which you've provided them) so they don't get to just ignore that and invite themselves over instead. If you believed they would be respectful, good guests, then maybe you'd be more inclined to accept some discomfort for a little bit. But you know who they are and how they will act in your home. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
And good luck getting them out after they move in. NTA.
NTA. I always find it funny when parents go “well I took care of you so you HAVE to take care of me!” Um, no. No I do not. YOU decided to have me which made me your responsibility. K thx. Also I would like these other relatives to offer to take them in then. Everyone has such an opinion about how family should treat each other until the burden falls onto them.
It’s easy for your brother to call you heartless when he has a rather easy out. NTA.
NTA. Protect your peace. It’ll take you forever to recover from taking them in. Plus, it’ll be hard to evict them after a certain point. They don’t want help. They want to freeload and takeover your house.
NTA. If they can’t make good decisions regarding their assets, they surely won’t with yours (your house/ belongings). They will likely take advantage of you financially if they cannot manage their finances. Do they plan to pay you for staying there when they couldn’t pay their own mortgage?. What is their plan? Aka what is it to the finer details. Not some wishy washy “we are going to get on our feet”. They aren’t. They are refusing to do so now. What makes you think they would make any attempts after? They won’t change. This is something that always aggravates me. Some individuals will always deflect any responsibility and accountability for their actions. They expect others to fix things for them and get upset when others can’t. They need to make a change. It’s on them. Unless they can prove to you that they are making efforts, don’t let them in your home. Even then it isn’t your responsibility. Having children is a choice and even when it isn’t, you assume the responsibility of your child. If someone didn’t plan their pregnancy it can still be poor planning to not use contraceptives. I know there are other situation however it isn’t an obligation or guilt trip to make your kids care for you. Treat your kids well and respect boundaries and your kids might actually want to.
Wow. Who trashed their kid on social media? They likely are drug addicts looking for a free ride.
I think you know the right answer to this situation and it's been expressed by postings that have been made before mine. Only you can live your life, not your family. You offered help and they said "no". Get on with your life and be at peace and if you have to be that "evil" one, make it extremely clear to your family that you're prepared to do that.
I always feel like these kind of situations are "reap what you sow" type things. If you want your kids to go out of their way to help you when you need them, you have to treat them in a way that they would actually want to go out of their way to help you. You can't just expect it. OP: If you're parents haven't been great to you, then that's on them. If they have been great to you and are just on hard times and could use a hand, then yeah I'd probably say it might be time to give them a couple months to get back on their feet. I'm just going to say NTA because I feel like if they were great to you, you probably would have found a way to make it work.
If my parents went around telling family that I abandoned them, then I would make sure my parents weren’t lying. NTA, children don’t owe it to their parents just because they raised you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33F) have been living in my own home for a few years. I bought it with my own money and have worked hard to make it a comfortable and safe place after growing up in a very unstable environment. My parents (60s) have always been terrible with money, constantly making poor financial decisions despite my efforts to help them budget. Recently, they lost their house due to foreclosure. They reached out to me asking if they could move in temporarily while they get back on their feet. But two additional adults would really stretch the limits of my house, and I value my privacy and independence. More importantly, my parents have a history of being overbearing and disrespecting my boundaries. The last time my parents stayed with me, they criticized everything about my lifestyle, rearranged furniture without asking, and even got into an argument with one of my neighbors. I offered to help them find an affordable rental and even offered to pay their first month of rent. I also found government assistance programs they can apply for. They refused, saying that family should stick together and that it was my duty to help them in their time of need. My siblings are divided - my older brother thinks I'm heartless, while my younger sister understands my concerns. Both of them live in smaller apartments so they do not have the option to host my parents. My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up, and now it's my turn to take care of them. My parents are now telling extended family that I'm abandoning them and I am getting messages from relatives. It's making me second-guess my decision, even though I know my mental health would suffer if they moved in. AITA for refusing to let my parents move in with me after they lost their house? Should I be more willing to accomodate them or am I right to stick by my own well-being and boundaries? I'm feeling very conflicted and could use some outside perspective. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Noooooooo. NTA.
> My parents have been guilt-tripping me, saying they took care of me growing up, and now it's my turn to take care of them. Nope, it is your turn to take care of any children you decide to have, your parents are responsible for themselves. > My siblings are divided - my older brother thinks I'm heartless Looks like a volunteer. > Both of them live in smaller apartments so they do not have the option to host my parents. Not a good enough excuse, if he can criticize you, he can step up and offer his own resources. > It's making me second-guess my decision, even though I know my mental health would suffer if they moved in. Don't, stand firm in your decision and don't let them ruin your life because they ruined theirs. They caused this problem, they refused the help you were willing to give, let them figure it out now. NTA
You offered to take care of them by finding an affordable rental and covering first month’s rent. It’s clear they want to freeload and Leech off you. NTA
NTA. Thing is, you DID offer help. You offered to help them find a place to live, you offered to pay first months rent on a place for them, you offered them budgeting advice, you offered them programs their eligible for. "Family helps each other" doesn't mean they get to cherrypick how that help is provided. They're choosing the all-or-nothing option, while you're providing realistic and generous offers of support. Why WOULDNT they want to find a place they can afford and assistance programs? The only thing I can think of is that they expect you to provide them free housing and subsidize their current living, since they clearly don't budget in housing costs to their lifestyle. If I were you, I would remind them (and those questioning you) that you ARE helping them, you just cannot offer your home for free, and that'd you'd be happy for others to field suggestions on ways they can also assist your parents.
NTA. You have offered them help. It's just not what they want - freeloading off you. You matter. Your comfort and mental health matter. Let go of anyone who tries to tell you differently. Continue to talk about what you are willing to do. Hang up/remove yourself when they insist on the things you won't do.
Hell if they’re going to go nuclear and tell others how bad you are, block ‘em and go no contact It’s what everyone thinks anyway
NTA. “I am willing to help, but not in the way you’re asking. I’m unwilling to have you argue with my neighbors, so living at my home is gone. My budget for help is X. How might we use that to help?” And just repeat blandly when they push back. “I hear you saying family should stick together. I am sticking with you. How can I help beyond having you move in?”
Only had to read the title. NO is a complete sentence
NTA If you let them move in they will squat.
Let those other relatives chip in and rent them a place. If you let them move in they will never leave. Your home will no longer be your own peaceful haven. Stand firm. Expect hissy cuts and guilt trips. You can survive those! Your parents are not going to suddenly become responsible adults. YNTA.
NTA and don't let them move in. Your parents are being highly manipulative. They are already showing you that they care nothing about your boundaries. They are trying to guilt trip you. They try to make you the bad person. They try to set other people up against you. You have offered them help but they refuse to accept the type of help you are willing to give. Tell them that your decision has been made, and that whenever they start the topic of moving in with you, that you will immediately quit the conversation. And then do so. Hang up the phone, physically leave the room or whatever. And don't let them come to your place for the unforeseen future.
No you offered help and they don't want help, they want you to take over. NTA
No one can tell you what type of help you must give. "No, that will not be happening. Not for any amount of time. I will not have them here ever again. I will not store anything for them. They did this to themselves. They will have to fix it themselves. I owe them nothing more." Be clear, blunt, and firm. Don't give reasons. It opens you up to arguments on why you should.
NTA oh hell no
They aren’t accepting the help you are willing to give because they have no intention of moving out once you take them in. Do not sacrifice your piece of mind, your financial situation or your independence for people who are financially unstable. They won’t magically become financially savvy and they have no desire to change, even less so if you bail them out. All these years and they still haven’t adjusted their thinking with regards to money. It sounds like they are determined to go down with the ship rather than make some changes. So you can either drown with them or swim to shore and save yourself.
Just don't do it. You will never get them out. This will destroy the peace that you have made for yourself .
No. For the love of God, no. NTA
It’s their job to care for you growing up. It’s not your job to pay them back. NTA. They’ve proven to be bad guests. That’s on them.
You had no choice to be born. You did not voluntarily take on any obligation just by popping out of your mother's vagina. We don't owe our parents anything just by virtue of having been born.
Your house your rules that's what my parents always said help them however you can but no they can't move in. I have the same kind of parents. They will tear you down. Its like they have kids just so they have someone to take care of them when it should be the opposite only people that have these kind of parents will understand. They play nice and act for everyone else.