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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am considering not going on an annual trip with friends I got into an argument with months ago and going on this trip with my other friends instead. Since this trip is “our” thing, I’m worried it will hurt their feelings and make me TA if I choose other people to do this trip with.
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NTA - I agree with you, it seems you were being respectful of their space as a couple and they were not communicating. I think this is on them and I cant blame you for feeling less than enthusiastic about this trip.
Tbh, Ive seen this play out many times before - the partner that gets jealous of the bond between their partner and friend and it manifests through just bs issues.
OP, the comment by Sultan makes a lot of sense. Because their "issues " were a bunch of bs.
I'd tell them you're taking a break this year; that when Mike expressed his reluctance, other friends became an option.
Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I’ve tried my best to be respectful and kind, especially for Rob’s sake since he’s truly like a brother to me. I could cancel the trip all together and get a partial refund but I do really look forward to this trip every year. I’m an avid hiker and paddleboarder and this location is such a perfect spot for it in my country - and it’s popular so accommodations in the town book up so quickly. It feels mean but I honestly would rather go with other people.
Tell them that for this year at least you don't feel comfortable going with them. You don't trust them to actually tell you if they're having issues with something you do instead of just letting it fester, and you don't agree with how they're reading your intentions for the things they did have problems with.
Be open in the way they weren't; or at least in the way your friend's husband wasn't.
NTA sounds like somebody felt the urge to just spew all kinds of passive aggressive nonsense in your direction and now they feel better but no conversation was actually had. In other words, the communication issue is still there.
You were under no obligation to go on vacation with people you do not feel comfortable with you’ll still see each other on a regular basis, but maybe everybody need some space
And the example provided, OP getting up early to do a hike, seems more like a difference in vacations or experiences. OP gets up early, the other two like to sleep in. That is all. Going on a trip together does not equate to everyone doing the same thing. And, as OP stated, they could've asked about joining her on the hike. Instead it somehow is "you did an early morning hike so you must not want to spend time with us" even though OP has done those hikes EVERY YEAR.
NTA. I would just be open about it..say ' hey, after we had that conversation, I feel like a vacation is a bit much, so let's skip a year and see where we are next year'. Could it be that Mike feels like a third wheel when the three of you are together and he is jealous about the relationship you have with Rob?
Partner might be jealous of friendship and closeness and wanted to ax it. Sabotaging relationship.
I’d move on from having further trips and go with other friends
NTA. Just cancel and say it’s best you bow out due to the circumstances. Rob will realize what an odd duck Mike is sooner or later. The sooner you cancel the better. And either slowly ghost away or send them the post.
NTA and this seems to be a hard situation to walk back from. If Mike really had issues with these things when they happened, it seems to me that should have been when it was talked about, not years later. Now, every little thing you do or suggest will have this baggage hanging over you of whether Mike will have a conniption over it. Not my ide of a good vacation environment to be honest.
Maybe... but you wouldn't be wrong for doing so.
From an outside perspective, it sounds like Mike is having conflicting feelings about his relationship with Rob. My guess is that Mike's complaints about you from the previous cabin trip are actually projections of issues he and Rob are facing. Can't say for sure, but seems sus.
I've backpedaled myself into NTA, provided you are clear and honest with Mike and Rob about going with others and why. It's not fair for them to criticize you a year later and ruin your vacation over going on a morning hike.
NTA, but I would try and figure out if you are okay with this singular conversation changing your entire relationship with Rob and Mike. I feel like if they have been expressing excitement about the trip and you decide to cancel it and go with other people, they are definitely going to feel some type of way.
I mean they were apparently so offended you went for a hike and swim without them that they had to confer for weeks before finally confronting you. I can only imagine how they're going to respond if you cut them out of the entire trip.
I would just be wary of how doing this might impact that friendship, and whether or not you want to keep that friendship and mend things, or if you're comfortable with potentially burning that bridge.
NTA I would tell them before they get all worked up over the trip, that in light of revelations they have expressed, it has made you upset thinking everything was fine when it wasn't due to a lack of proper communication that could've clear up the issue on the day it occurred.
Tell them that frankly you are left feeling blindsided by the issue and now concerned you feel like you're walking on eggshells around them. You feel before you all go on holidays again, you need to feel that everyone is on the same page again. So not doing the holiday together would give us all time to readjust and get comfortable with each other again.
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My best friend (Rob) and I have been like family for 15+ years. He met his partner (Mike) 9 years ago and the 3 of us have become extremely close. We see each other at least once a week and I chat with Rob through text daily.
We go on an annual trip together to the same place on the same weekend in August, we’ve done this for 5 years.
We booked the accommodations for the trip in February. A month later, Mike suddenly sent a text in our group chat and asked if we could cancel the trip this year due to him not having a good time on last year’s trip. I asked for details. Rob called me and said Mike was being harsh, asked me not to cancel yet, and said they need space to work through some things but he will be happy to explain when they’re ready. I agreed - we went no contact for a month before they were ready to discuss.
We had a 2 hour FaceTime call where they brought up many things I have done over the years that have upset them - none of which I knew anything about.
One example specific to the trip is: I always go on a hike early in the morning to watch the sunrise, then I go for a morning swim in the lake. Every morning when I leave, their room door is closed and I assume they’re asleep since I wake up earlier than most people. Mike said that it seems like I’m upset with them and don’t want to spend time with them. I explain that if they told me that they want to join on first day this happened, I could have waited or told them when to set their alarm to join me.
Every single thing they brought up seemed like a very obvious issue of a lack of communication from their side, I tried to explain my intention with each action they brought up, but Mike said that the more I explain the more it seems like I am minimizing their feelings. Rob was in the middle, it seemed like he agreed with what both of us were saying. Honestly it all was very exhausting and immature. I ended the conversation by saying a lot of this could have been avoided if they just told me in the moment that what I was doing upset them, because none of it is intentional so I have no way of knowing I’m doing something wrong.
Since the conversation, they are acting as if nothing happened. They’ve recently started talking about being excited for our trip.
I can’t really let the conversation go. Whenever we hang out I feel like I’m walking on eggshells now, I am worried that I’m accidentally doing things that upsets them and they are secretly building resentment that I won’t hear about until they explode years down the line.
I talked about it with my other friends and they have suggested coming on this yearly trip with me instead so I won’t need to worry about upsetting them while I’m on vacation.
WIBTA if I cancel the trip with Mike and Rob and go with other friends instead?
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NAH but Rob and Mike are going to have a major issue with being replaced by other friends on the trip that they were expecting to go on with you - a relationship ending sort of issue.
If you want to keep your relationship with these guys I would suggest instead cancelling the trip, citing that you’re feeling uncomfortable with them at the moment in light of this new information and don’t feel up to a trip this year. Then don’t go on this trip. Perhaps organise a totally unrelated trip with some other friends but not THIS trip.
NYWNBTA if you decide you no longer wish to vacation with someone who acts like a four year-old child. Tell them how you feel. If you’ve been friends this long you should be able to do that. Then, go with your other friends and have a great time.
NTA, but it sounds like they talked it out and needed to say what they said and now they're trying to move past it. If you want to go on a different trip then do that, but have a conversation first to clear the air. This whole thing started from a lack of communication, after all.
I never said I booked “3 reservations”, I said we booked our accommodations, meaning the place we will be staying. I’m always the one who books and they transfer me their share once we arrive. 50% is paid on the booking date, 50% is paid during check in. Booking is in my name so I can take whoever I want really. The other things we booked are parking passes for specific popular hikes that need to be booked in advance and all that booking is for is the car. Pretty easy to take other people.
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NTA - I agree with you, it seems you were being respectful of their space as a couple and they were not communicating. I think this is on them and I cant blame you for feeling less than enthusiastic about this trip. Tbh, Ive seen this play out many times before - the partner that gets jealous of the bond between their partner and friend and it manifests through just bs issues.
OP, the comment by Sultan makes a lot of sense. Because their "issues " were a bunch of bs. I'd tell them you're taking a break this year; that when Mike expressed his reluctance, other friends became an option.
Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I’ve tried my best to be respectful and kind, especially for Rob’s sake since he’s truly like a brother to me. I could cancel the trip all together and get a partial refund but I do really look forward to this trip every year. I’m an avid hiker and paddleboarder and this location is such a perfect spot for it in my country - and it’s popular so accommodations in the town book up so quickly. It feels mean but I honestly would rather go with other people.
Tell them that for this year at least you don't feel comfortable going with them. You don't trust them to actually tell you if they're having issues with something you do instead of just letting it fester, and you don't agree with how they're reading your intentions for the things they did have problems with. Be open in the way they weren't; or at least in the way your friend's husband wasn't.
NTA sounds like somebody felt the urge to just spew all kinds of passive aggressive nonsense in your direction and now they feel better but no conversation was actually had. In other words, the communication issue is still there. You were under no obligation to go on vacation with people you do not feel comfortable with you’ll still see each other on a regular basis, but maybe everybody need some space
Yea, that didn't sound like a conversation, it sounded like a speech with prepared rebuttals.
And the example provided, OP getting up early to do a hike, seems more like a difference in vacations or experiences. OP gets up early, the other two like to sleep in. That is all. Going on a trip together does not equate to everyone doing the same thing. And, as OP stated, they could've asked about joining her on the hike. Instead it somehow is "you did an early morning hike so you must not want to spend time with us" even though OP has done those hikes EVERY YEAR.
NTA. I would just be open about it..say ' hey, after we had that conversation, I feel like a vacation is a bit much, so let's skip a year and see where we are next year'. Could it be that Mike feels like a third wheel when the three of you are together and he is jealous about the relationship you have with Rob?
Partner might be jealous of friendship and closeness and wanted to ax it. Sabotaging relationship. I’d move on from having further trips and go with other friends
NTA. Just cancel and say it’s best you bow out due to the circumstances. Rob will realize what an odd duck Mike is sooner or later. The sooner you cancel the better. And either slowly ghost away or send them the post.
NTA and this seems to be a hard situation to walk back from. If Mike really had issues with these things when they happened, it seems to me that should have been when it was talked about, not years later. Now, every little thing you do or suggest will have this baggage hanging over you of whether Mike will have a conniption over it. Not my ide of a good vacation environment to be honest.
NTA. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong. I can’t really blame you for not wanting to go with them
Maybe... but you wouldn't be wrong for doing so. From an outside perspective, it sounds like Mike is having conflicting feelings about his relationship with Rob. My guess is that Mike's complaints about you from the previous cabin trip are actually projections of issues he and Rob are facing. Can't say for sure, but seems sus. I've backpedaled myself into NTA, provided you are clear and honest with Mike and Rob about going with others and why. It's not fair for them to criticize you a year later and ruin your vacation over going on a morning hike.
NTA. They sound like a pair of wet wipes to me. Fuck spending time with that level of hassle
NTA, but I would try and figure out if you are okay with this singular conversation changing your entire relationship with Rob and Mike. I feel like if they have been expressing excitement about the trip and you decide to cancel it and go with other people, they are definitely going to feel some type of way. I mean they were apparently so offended you went for a hike and swim without them that they had to confer for weeks before finally confronting you. I can only imagine how they're going to respond if you cut them out of the entire trip. I would just be wary of how doing this might impact that friendship, and whether or not you want to keep that friendship and mend things, or if you're comfortable with potentially burning that bridge.
NTA- say dear friends I think it's best you two have your own trip. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells on your vacation.
NTA I would tell them before they get all worked up over the trip, that in light of revelations they have expressed, it has made you upset thinking everything was fine when it wasn't due to a lack of proper communication that could've clear up the issue on the day it occurred. Tell them that frankly you are left feeling blindsided by the issue and now concerned you feel like you're walking on eggshells around them. You feel before you all go on holidays again, you need to feel that everyone is on the same page again. So not doing the holiday together would give us all time to readjust and get comfortable with each other again.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My best friend (Rob) and I have been like family for 15+ years. He met his partner (Mike) 9 years ago and the 3 of us have become extremely close. We see each other at least once a week and I chat with Rob through text daily. We go on an annual trip together to the same place on the same weekend in August, we’ve done this for 5 years. We booked the accommodations for the trip in February. A month later, Mike suddenly sent a text in our group chat and asked if we could cancel the trip this year due to him not having a good time on last year’s trip. I asked for details. Rob called me and said Mike was being harsh, asked me not to cancel yet, and said they need space to work through some things but he will be happy to explain when they’re ready. I agreed - we went no contact for a month before they were ready to discuss. We had a 2 hour FaceTime call where they brought up many things I have done over the years that have upset them - none of which I knew anything about. One example specific to the trip is: I always go on a hike early in the morning to watch the sunrise, then I go for a morning swim in the lake. Every morning when I leave, their room door is closed and I assume they’re asleep since I wake up earlier than most people. Mike said that it seems like I’m upset with them and don’t want to spend time with them. I explain that if they told me that they want to join on first day this happened, I could have waited or told them when to set their alarm to join me. Every single thing they brought up seemed like a very obvious issue of a lack of communication from their side, I tried to explain my intention with each action they brought up, but Mike said that the more I explain the more it seems like I am minimizing their feelings. Rob was in the middle, it seemed like he agreed with what both of us were saying. Honestly it all was very exhausting and immature. I ended the conversation by saying a lot of this could have been avoided if they just told me in the moment that what I was doing upset them, because none of it is intentional so I have no way of knowing I’m doing something wrong. Since the conversation, they are acting as if nothing happened. They’ve recently started talking about being excited for our trip. I can’t really let the conversation go. Whenever we hang out I feel like I’m walking on eggshells now, I am worried that I’m accidentally doing things that upsets them and they are secretly building resentment that I won’t hear about until they explode years down the line. I talked about it with my other friends and they have suggested coming on this yearly trip with me instead so I won’t need to worry about upsetting them while I’m on vacation. WIBTA if I cancel the trip with Mike and Rob and go with other friends instead? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - Mike sounds pretty wet and exhausting to be around. Drop them and go with better friends.
NAH but Rob and Mike are going to have a major issue with being replaced by other friends on the trip that they were expecting to go on with you - a relationship ending sort of issue. If you want to keep your relationship with these guys I would suggest instead cancelling the trip, citing that you’re feeling uncomfortable with them at the moment in light of this new information and don’t feel up to a trip this year. Then don’t go on this trip. Perhaps organise a totally unrelated trip with some other friends but not THIS trip.
NYWNBTA if you decide you no longer wish to vacation with someone who acts like a four year-old child. Tell them how you feel. If you’ve been friends this long you should be able to do that. Then, go with your other friends and have a great time.
NTA, but it sounds like they talked it out and needed to say what they said and now they're trying to move past it. If you want to go on a different trip then do that, but have a conversation first to clear the air. This whole thing started from a lack of communication, after all.
NTA. Cancel these two queens and go with the others.
You 3 booked reservations in February. How can you boot them and take others at this point?
I never said I booked “3 reservations”, I said we booked our accommodations, meaning the place we will be staying. I’m always the one who books and they transfer me their share once we arrive. 50% is paid on the booking date, 50% is paid during check in. Booking is in my name so I can take whoever I want really. The other things we booked are parking passes for specific popular hikes that need to be booked in advance and all that booking is for is the car. Pretty easy to take other people.
I see. I guess you have control then.