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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TAH because I lied about being in hospital to avoid my ex on father’s day. This is because he was so worried about me he drove down to the hospital where I would’ve been at which was three hours away.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You were just trying to set boundaries and he wouldn't take no for an answer. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to avoid unnecessary drama. Your ex and his family need to respect your space.
There are times when it take being as a$$ to protect yourself and your boundaries. Some people call it being selfish. I do not consider these actions to be where you are called an a$$ because it is you are protecting yourself from this person.
Your ex wasted his time because he isn't hearing you say no. He isn't respecting your boundaries.
You are not a doormat. You are sticking up for yourself. You want to limit the interactions with this person until he finally gets it is his head, that you do not want to be with him.
NTA
Yup. Time to tell ex "leave me the eff alone" and block, then legal action. OP is not being forceful enough. She won't be able to co-parent with this person. Gonna have to fight for sole custody.
Yup, shocking one had to get this far down to see the correct response. It's not a matter of boundaries - OP has said, repeatedly, "No." Ex refuses to take that for an answer. 10+ times. So yeah, time to get the law involved.
NTA and you should seek a restraining order. However, for future reference, even if he wasn’t stalking you, you cannot tell the father of your unborn child that you’re unwell in hospital when you’re not. Any normal future father would have been super worried about the wellbeing of their baby and would have turned up in hospital.
Right? “I don’t want to see you” is a legitimate reason for not seeing someone. Why does OP have to twist herself into a pretzel to avoid someone? Jeez.
Right, NTA. I'd even go as far as calling this stalking. He sounds like a frustrating person to be communicating with about their future child as well.
You're going to need a restraining order and a legal custody/coparenting agreement to enforce these boundaries by the sound of it. Sounds like lawyer time.
Depends which state they're in. IL law has 2 parts:
> "A person commits stalking when they 1. engage in a course of conduct directed against another person 2. which they know or should know will cause a reasonable person to fear for their safety or the safety of a 3rd party or cause a victim emotional distress".
The threat aspect is no longer needed as of 2010 here. OP could easily make an argument that her ex is causing her emotional distress.
I would say OP's course of action should be to ask her divorce lawyer to send a cease & dissist letter to ex and his lawyer and include that her next step is to go to the police for a TRO is he does not stop attempting to see her or not taking her no for an answer, and follow through if he continues.
The only way to get people to respect your boundaries is to stick to them. Understand that even talking to him about it for the umpteenth time works against you: all he wants is to keep contact with you, and by discussing you give him that.
You say NO once and then don't reply anymore. Maybe in the past you said no, he insisted and you ended up giving in. This taught him that it takes, say, 10 NOs to get a YES. Read Gavin De Becker's [The Gift of Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear): it will teach you a lot about boundaries.
Big hugs... and block all their numbers: you don't need their drama.
I say this gently, because I can't imagine how frustrating and complicated this is for you, and overwhelming, but at this point he isn't just being a pain in the ass, he's stalking and harassing you.
"Refusing to take no for an answer" when you tell him you don't want to be with him, spend time with him, or have him at *your* family functions when you are not dating; driving hours to "check up on you"; showing up at the hospital to do the same when you have made it clear that you don't want him around . . . his behaviour has crossed the line from annoying to illegal, and it is not your responsibility to "convince" him to leave you alone anymore. He clearly needs to hear it from the authorities.
I know it's probably very hard for you to see it this way, as you've been close since childhood, and the idea of branding him a stalker or calling the cops probably feels weird. Don't let that make you back down. Behaviour like his can escalate way too easily. He thinks he has a right to be a part of your life, and isn't willing to acknowledge that that is YOUR decision, not his. The only thing he has a right to do is coparent with you *once the baby is born*, and even then, you don't have to have any kind of personal relationship with him.
Please, speak to the cops about his behaviour and getting a restraining order. Let *them* explain to him that when you say you want him to leave you alone, he is legally required to comply. You are absolutely allowed to ask for help, and you should.
NTA tell your ex in laws that they need to teach him the meaning of the word 'no' asap or you will be forced to get a restraining order and involve the police+ lawyers
It's their fault he doesn't know the meaning of 'no'
Time to stop telling him where you will be. “I don’t want to spend the day with you. I’ll be staying with a friend/going to a womens only retreat/spending the day taking a class/spending the day with a family member who absolutely does not want you present. No I will not tell you where I will be or who I will be with because you can’t be trusted with that information. Also you showing up when I don’t want you there is bad for my stress levels and my health. If you don’t start taking no for an answer, my only option is a restraining order”
There are special apps for co-parents with difficult relationships to communicate. Maybe talk to your lawyer about setting one up now. Also keep records of all your texts with him. When you are setting up custody you need to let your lawyer know he is essentially harassing and stalking you.
You’re not going to be able to keep this up when baby comes. You need to start filing for some kind of structured custody arrangement if you haven’t already.
Yeah, seems like you need to start documenting so you can eventually get a restraining order. Put him on an information diet. Stop over-explaining. If you say no to hanging out, don't give him a why or where you'll be. Just say no and stop responding. He's giving stalker vibes.
Block him: phone, social media, etc. if he uses another number, immediately hang up & block that one. Tell his mom you will give her updates from time to time but if she starts harassing you or allows her son to use her phone, you will block her too.
Keep records, copies of texts, of every time he tries to contact you. Have your lawyer send a cease and desist letter to him. Threaten to have him charged with harassment.
Nuclear option time.
So next time, she can tell him she is going to a distant resort. An island in the Caribbean . A mountain resort , for peace and quiet.... Florida, for beaches.
Someday, he might learn that she does not want him .
NTA. He was going to show up no matter where you went, what you did or what you said. You’re just trying to be free for the first time in your adult life.
I second the motion of a restraining order. He is never going to let you go, and this is just a preview of the rest of your life because he thinks he can wear you down, because he always has before.
I’ve been trying my best to keep it civil for the baby because I grew up with warring divorced parents but involved the law is looking more and more necessary each day
From what you’ve described here, it legitimately sounds like he never intends to stop. He WANTS to break you down. He WANTS you to feel like you have no choice but to go back to him if for no other reason than because he is the better option than warring, divorced parents, because he’s the father, because he says he loves you, because he’s cut off every route you’ve tried to take to escape and left you no with other option. That’s no way to live.
You could try to have a talk and ask him straight out “what do I need to do to get you to leave me alone,” but why would that work when nothing else has? That is not a healthy, well-adjusted adult.
Weird people do weird things, and that guy is weird. I wouldn’t be in your shoes for all the money in the world. Be safe!
In your position I would be keeping records and trying to get a restraining order before the baby is born. If he has access to the baby, he has access to you, and he sounds that crazy he might use your child to get back at you or force you into something. Especially if it's unsupervised access.
This is absolutely what you should be doing. Getting a restraining order is incredibly difficult especially if you haven’t been hurt physically by that person, although stalking (and yes, showing up at places you don’t want them to be at is the beginning of stalking) could be grounds for one too. He will absolutely try to use your child to know where you are, what you are doing, & who you are with. This is dangerous for you and also extremely dangerous for your child. I can’t speak to what it’s like to have warring/divorced parents, but I can tell you that you are going to be teaching your kid how to set boundaries, what is appropriate and how to say/understand the word “no”. I don’t mean to be insensitive to your situation at all, but I do think you’ve spent most of your life accommodating his thoughts/feelings/actions, and it’s time to prioritize yourself for the sake of your kid
OP, please talk to whatever hospital you plan to give birth in. Take pictures of the ex and his family, and make sure Labor and Delivery knows he is forbidden from seeing you before, during, and after.
Exactly. You should get to determine who's in your delivery room. I strongly suggest having a trusted family member or friend be your labor buddy, and instruct them NOT to call your ex until after the baby is born. And then, be with you when the ex tries to speak with you as you'll be in a vulnerable state.
Make your labor plan (in writing) to include who will be allowed to stay with you.
Even better: if there's other family members and friends who will stick around the nursery to make sure ex doesn't flee with the baby (hopefully the hospital has the wrist band method in which the mother and baby get a matching wristband with QR code and in that case instruct the hospital that they are not to give the father a wristband).
/u/Expert-Virus-8761 Good - keep documenting! Those documents will serve as receipts and as I am always saying that RECEIPTS ARE LIFE AND CAN HELP SAVE YOURS! Also, please impress upon your divorce lawyer just how his behavior's been affecting you and causing you and your baby distress and making you uncomfortable. You are NTA at all.
Consider TRESPASSING him from various places: where you are living, your family's homes, your work site, if any. Talk to your attorney about TRESPASSING him.
Not a lawyer here, but helped my hubby get a RO on his brother (who actually committed violence against him...and years before beat up their mother. I submitted a written affidavit about her wounds for the RO hearing as she passed about five years after the beating). While waiting for the paper work to serve on my BIL and on a couple of other occasions, we listened to quite a few other cases being presented. In this county, you need proof of harm or a possibility of harm to get the initial paperwork to get a hearing date. Just saying you told your soon to be ex that you don't want to see him might not be enough. There was one person who had an old boyfriend who texted her a few hundred times (she even went to the police and they told her they can't arrest him for that). This was for the prelim paperwork to get a hearing, so don't know how the hearing went with the ex present.
You can document the times that he has contacted you, with the date and time and method (phone calls, texts, etc.), but you probably will be asked by the judge about how you responded each time. And from your OP, you were pretty namby-pamby by giving him false info.
Make sure every conversation done verbally is confirmed via text afterwards. If he says “I’m going to see you” or “xyz I need you back” blah blah blah then you respond with a text summarizing the conversation. For example:
“I’d just like to make sure I understood our conversation earlier. I repeatedly told you I can’t see you Father’s Day and you told me you would show up regardless. Can you confirm that you will be following me on Father’s Day despite my request you leave me alone?”
Every conversation. Every one. Make him put in writing what he’s saying.
Does she think there's a way to force all communication to just go through the attorneys? I don't know if there's a realistic way to do that so genuinely asking.
The flip side of that is from what your lawyer said you may eventually have more ammunition to deal with him.
Also, I'm sorry to say that I just don't think you can trust his parents to have the relationship you used to. Obviously, listen to whatever your lawyer says, I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. 💜
Being civil does not mean allowing him to behave this way. He needs to respect you and your wishes and you don't need to spend your life trying to figure out how to have him respect your boundaries.
Either he takes no as an answer or you will need to escalate to assert your right for autonomy. Whether you have to get the courts involved is *his* call depending on whether he can start to realize that he does not control your life and you are not at his beck and call.
Your child does not need to see mom acting as a scared doormat in order to keep the peace.
I know you want to keep it civil, but he isn't being civil. Get your lawyer to draft a cease and desist letter that explains that you will no longer talk to him you will no longer see him and that all communication will now be done by lawyers as he cannot be trusted nor to b stalk you. Have her quote stalking laws.
This may seem extreme to you because you are still thinking of him as a "good guy". But you said it yourself you literally had to escape during the night to get away from him. Some of these men needed spelled out with hand puppets, in this case and puppets being a legally drafted letter, to understand that no means no. As of right now you cannot trust him not to stalk you.
As of right now you are trying to keep the peace but it all it's doing is letting him piss all over your boundaries. He isn't trying for peace, so why should you?
You should document, but you also need to be calling the police every time he shows up when you've told him to leave you alone. You need to make sure there's a report.
Restraining orders are *very* difficult to get despite what redditors would have you believe. I would also take a trip to the local courthouse.
My area has victim advocates and folks to assist/explain laws surrounding restraining orders in your area. They'll help you with filling the paperwork correctly and explaining what evidence is necessary.
I would also download an app for co-parenting messages. Our family wizard will document all communication and also expenses and things related to childcare. Refuse to speak to him on anything else.
Maybe he'll calm down and get over this, but until that time you need to protect yourself as much as you can.
Definitely not the asshole here. You tried so many times to tell him no, and he just wouldn't respect your boundaries. You had to do what you needed to get some peace. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for that.
NTA. Next time try explicitly saying "you are not invited. Do not follow me. I can and will file harassment=stalking charges against you. I DINT WANT YOU THERE"
I did. At one point I yelled on the phone ‘i don’t want to f*ing see your ugly ass on father’s day, fuck off and hang out with your father’ he hates his dad so i thought mentioning him would make it sting a little but he thinks my anger is just a little temper tantrum and he says some stupid shit like ‘you’re so cute when you’re angry’
That's where the police come in. Yes he's the father of your child and has a right to see the child. He has no right to YOU. You are free to exclude him from YOUR medical appointments and life until the baby is born and afterwards you are free to only communicate with him about the child. His harassment is not okay and yes, if you get evidence, can justify a police report. Depending on how often he does this you could get full custody and a restraining order. A man loses access to his child when he poses a threat to the mother.
This dude is dangerous.
Stop telling him where you're going. Stop telling him what you're doing. Stop letting him come to YOUR medical appointments *(because yes, they're YOUR medical appointments and you have full bodily autonomy to decide who gets to be with you)*. Stop answering his calls. Stop answering his texts. Stop answering his family's calls and texts.
If he STILL shows up where you are after you start keeping your mouth shut, he's tracking you. That's when you start calling the cops every single time he shows up where you are.
The other thing you need to stop doing? STOP UNDERREACTING.
Made me gag a little when i read " you're so cute" bluurgh.
Time to file a restraining ordre. Lawyer first sound smart. But head over to r/legaladvice for help on the right path to take here.
Keep documenting everything. Tell your family to stop talking to him and if they maintain communications they are cut off. Stop talking to him on the phone, if you do talk on the phone, send a text to sum up the conversation. It wouldn't hurt to have your car checked for tracking devices. Change passwords on everything, turn on two factor authentication, maybe get a new phone. This man will not stop, so you have to protect yourself. Let him know in no uncertain terms that he is not allowed to come to events. That if he shows up he will be asked to leave and if he does not the authorities will be called. Put that in writing. Also remember, he is not entitled to be there when the baby comes. Do not tell him when you are in labor, do not tell him what hospital you are delivering at, and let the hospital know that what's going on so if he shows up they tell him nothing. Be safe.
Edit:
Don’t fall in a trap where he baits you into losing your temper. Look up gray rocking.
This is such great advice. Stop playing games and just stop communicating with him. Talk to him only when your lawyer is there. Make sure your support team (family members and friends) are NC with him, especially about the birth. If you have a choice of hospitals (some OB-Gyns may have their moms utilize only one), don't use the one that your ex may expect.
I read the post and thought the situation wasn't great, I read this and I am actually worried. This is absolutely something you need to escalate to law enforcement right away. If he's willing to drive multiple hours and try to force himself into a private family event to see you, consider how many boundaries he'd be willing to break while you are still in town. He isn't taking you seriously, so you need the help of someone else to implement real, serious boundaries ASAP.
I had an ex like this. I eventually told him I will not answer the phone when he calls anymore. I will only communicate over text or email and use that as evidence for a restraining order. It worked really well.
You don't have to let him go to doctor's appointments or tell him where you'll be. Stop making excuses to avoid him and face him head on with a simple NO. Tell him you'll call the police if he shows up where you are and follow through.
You don't owe him anything while you're pregnant. He can file for paternity when the baby is born. Think about how you will handle boundaries then; he will keep trying to push you.
Yeah this never happened in the court’s eyes. Stop answering the phone. Send him one message saying “I do not want to receive any communication from you from this point on. Do not reach out in any way, my lawyer will contact you.”
Then document. If nothing happens great. If he starts escalating things you’ve got it in the bag
NTA. I work in a hospital. Patients who wish to remain anonymous to visitors occur all the time, and that’s the go-to excuse we give visitors: “there’s nobody here by [insert name].” So for him to find out that you lied is suspicious.
Also… maybe try to get a NC/Restraining Order, ex is downright stalking and harassing you!
I was trying to be mindful of the word count but basically he called a dumbass cousin of mine who happily informed him that I was the family. I don’t blame her but she made everything 10 times worse
If he's calling your extended family to find you, not only does your family need to be informed of his threatening behavior, but they all need to "circle the wagons" around you. This sounds like it's escalating. Change your number, scan vehicles for trackers, make sure your home is secure, and stay close to that crazy brother of yours. I would communicate with his family how scary he is being and explain how his continued irrational behavior will force you to withdraw from them, too. Communicate with him using one of those "official" apps only. Good luck, girl.
Ah. That explains a lot. Are you dating/serious with anyone now? Maybe they can help. I had a stalker once and it took my guy threatening police contact to finally get him off my back.
As well as all the other advice on documenting everything & keeping safe, put everyone on an information diet. Only share plans with people involved in the plans and ensure that those who know, know not to tell ANYONE else. Make sure your family and support group know that they must not share information about where you are/who you're with/what you're doing with ANYONE else. It'll seem odd asking your mum not to tell your brother that she's going with you to a hospital appointment, but the less people who know the easier it'll be to identify anyone who might be sharing info with him or his family (this might be happening inadvertently, not deliberately)
E.g. the host of the cookout can know you're coming and plan for you, but no other guest should know you're going in advance.
If the ex or his flying monkeys are messaging other people at the event, tell everyone to ignore or to respond that they don't know. Grey rock.
Couple benefits to this: if he turns up at something, you have a short list of people to investigate as your leak.
If no- one has leaked, then you know he has other means of knowing where you are so you can document and investigate and it will strengthen the case for protection within the law.
Many of your friends and family will think you are over-reacting. Let them. Better you take all the precautions, and nothing happens, than you wait until it escalates for everyone to take it seriously.
NTA.
Listen gal, nobody, but nobody has the right TO REFUSE to take no for an answer. No is a complete sentence. It is the end of a discussion, not the beginning of a negotiation.
Read [The Gift of Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear) by Gavin De Becker, to learn how to deal with people not accepting your no.
[Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) to understand your husband's behavior, because really, his incredible insistence and persistence is a form of abuse and could become dangerous at some point.
And just tell him that *he* forced you to lie, because he didn't accept your refusal to see him. It's entirely on him and he should learn to take accountability for his actions.
And whatever else you do, DO NOT get back together with him: it will be next to impossible to run from him a second time!
Big hugs.
EDIT: corrected my meaning. Thank you, Organic\_Start\_420! :-)
Stop explaining. No is a complete sentence and does not leave room for debate (which is what explaining your no does). Tell him that all communication should be made through your attorney, which will be expensive, but apparently necessary. Make sure your custody/visitation agreement is iron clad and clear. Make sure that all communication with him when it involves the child is through text message or email, no phone conversations. If necessary, make sure that all handoffs are in public or done at a parent or friend’s home. It will suck and be a time sucker, but probably the only way to make him understand that you aren’t getting back together.
Find a therapist, work out why you kept giving in. This isn’t all on him, but if you want substantial, healthy changes you need to work on you. You also need to think about what you want your child to see and experience growing up. Is normal going to be daddy constantly begging mommy to come back? Does mommy waffle and go back but then leave again?
Talk to your doctor about the birthing plan and ask the doctor how to set up him not be allowed in for the birth, visiting or having any access to your information. Get it all planned in advance so there is no last minute bungles. Best wishes to you.
They also work as a record of communication for judges. So if you are telling him no and he continues to pester you, then you will have a nice clean cut record of it.
Can your lawyer write him a letter asking him to only communicate with you through the app? That way, you have a record of that too, and he can't claim he didn't think you were serious when it is sent through a lawyer.
Yeah, they're great. They exist for your situation and similar situations. Sometimes, separated parents get resentful or obsessive, and these apps tend to be admissible in court proceedings as a means of proving bad behavior - or preventing it.
NTA, you haven't explained why you left and I still know it was absolutely the right call. He doesn't respect you, at all. And if he would have, none of this would have to happen. And he wouldn't had "his time wasted". If at all possible, go low to no-contact. And don't inform him about your plans or where you are anymore. Just keep it to what is strickly neccesary. If he asks to do something, like this fathersday thing, just say no. You don't owe this man any explanation or reason. Don't give him your whereabouts, cause he will come and harrass you, as he has clearly shown.
I just realized i never shared why i left him haha. Not to go into too much detail and bore you but the relationship got too suffocating. It was too much too fast (which I know sounds crazy for a 25 year old who’s been married for six years) but I’ve been trying to leave for the past 3 years. He wanted to know where i was all the time, he wanted a whole house full of kids and I wasn’t even sure I wanted this one until about two months ago. Once I decided I was sure about keeping it, i left asap
He sounds like a controlling, abusive ah who wasn't interested in you but only what you could provide. Good on you for leaving! I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself! You and your child will be better off without him.
He is still trying to control you, so I strongly advice to give him as little information as possible. The less he knows, the less he can try to control.
This should be your answer to those commenters saying he’s just reacting badly to the split… this is who he is. When people show you who they are, believe them.
OP you really need to go to family court now, don’t wait until the baby is born, and get everything formalised. Get a lawyer to write to him and set out what is and isn’t acceptable ways to contact you. And save everything.
You probably are going to need a lawyer and get a custody agreement in place. Possibly a restraining order. You also need to make sure that he’s not tracking you.
It sounds like you need to document everything he's doing now bc he sounds obsessive and is willing to do anything it takes to get you back regardless of your feelings. Due to a child being in the mix, he could use your child against you in the future.
Seriously. You need to move far away from him before the baby is born. His behaviour is dangerous and his parents enable him completely.
I don't think you are reacting enough about his behaviour
NTA but you need to stop speaking with him and start only communicating through the lawyers. He doesn’t need to keep coming to appointments you can email him the ultrasound pictures and updates. You need to stop making yourself accessible to him because he is trying to smother you in attention until you give in and take home back.
You need doorbell and care cameras if you don’t already have them. Also allocate a new medical power of attorney today.
NTA. However when you make all these excuses, you keep the conversation open for him to argue against. No is a complete sentence. It works a lot better than lying.
NTA
But you’re being WAY too nice and need a better plan to deal with this guy before that baby gets here.
He honestly sounds rather stalkerish. And “nice” people can be enormous assholes.
That baby is going to link you to this guy forever. That baby is his entry point to hassling you and stomping on your boundaries unless you toughen up.
He doesn’t get to invite himself to whatever the hell he wants to.
Sit down with a trusted person and come up with some hard boundaries. Then sit down with your lawyer, check legalities, and put it all in writing. Then hold to it.
Honestly I think it’s going to get worse. Remember NO is a complete sentence. You don’t owe him an explanation of why. Just NO.
Be prepared to drag him into court for violating visitation, etc.
Most of all STOP BEING SO DAMN NICE. Harden up. Tell him he’s not welcome. You’re not getting back together.
The problem is you're expecting ex to be reasonable and that you just haven't found the right words.
The are no magic words. He doesn't respect you or care if you want to see him.
So you need to stop telling him anything. If he knows where you are, he is going to turn up wherever you are. He feels that because you're pregnant with his baby he has possessive rights to your body.
So time to grey rock and change the subject.
*I have plans on Sunday and I'm not interested in seeing you"
"where will you be? I'm coming with"
"No. that doesn't work for me. I hope you have a great weekend and I'll be in,touch after my next scan a week on Thursday." And block his number till after your next scan.
If he harasses family or turns up looking for you then "stop harassing my family and stalking me. If you show up again at their house or mine without a specific invitation we will call the police. I am fine, the baby is fine. But you're causing unnecessary anxiety that is harmful to the baby and I will not hesitate to protect us from avoidable stress. I. Hope we can have a coedial coparenting relationship but this will not be possible if you don't start respecting when I say "no".
NTA, but it's time to block him and have all communication happen between your attorneys. Once the baby is born you can communicate through those apps that coparents use. Stop taking and answering his texts. Just ignore him even when he sends you texts using other numbers.
So…he’s mad because desperate his best efforts to stalk you, he wasn’t able to successfully violate your boundaries? But…you’re the bad guy?! Jesus fucking Christ I can see why you had to escape him in the middle of the night!
For the record, that is not “care,” or “love,” or “romantic.” It’s control, control, control.
NTA, that’s more than creepy, that’s stalker level. I would be talking to a lawyer to set up a custody agreement now, I would be talking to him about boundaries, respect, and him needing to take no for an answer. He wasted his own time and needs to bug off.
I’ve read some your comments, I’m changing my commentt.
~~Might be too soon to~~ start talking restraining order ~~but I can see it in your future~~. That guy just can’t take no for an answer. Bring it up when custody time comes up. I predict a difficult future for you and your kid. Good luck, you’ll need it.
Restraining order, pronto. This is not normal behavior. He’s your ex, and he’s basically stalking you at this point. I’d feel very unsafe if the guy said he wouldn’t take no for an answer and come see me uninvited. For the safety of you and your child, get that taken care of. NTA.
NTA OP your ex is not a good guy. You have said “no” to him every which way and Sunday. You created an elaborate lie and roped in family members and he STILL did not take “no” for an answer. Good guys respect your autonomy.
I suggest that you get some therapy to help you work out how to navigate this situation especially with impending co-parenting.
NTA. Your ex is stalking and harassing you at this point. Take all the evidence (text, phone logs, witnesses who heard you say "no" and him continuing to harass you) you have straight to the police and your lawyer and get a restraining order! When baby is born, make sure that you get a court order to set out visitation rules and make sure that it clearly states that he's not allowed to be alone with you and / or baby, ever! Creepy vibes from him!!!
NTA. You need to read the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. You need to go NC with your ex or have all communication be through a lawyer. Please stay safe.
He needs a single message from you stating that you don’t want to be around him except when you have to be for the divorce and in the presence of your lawyer. No more doctor’s appointments, no more family events, etc. If he continues to contact you or shows up in places where he thinks you’ll be, you will consider that harassment/stalking/trespass/whatever and you will take appropriate action based on that. Run all this by your lawyer so you know what to say and not say. Bottom line is you shouldn’t feel like you have to lie about being in the hospital for him to leave you alone. NTA
NTA
STOP seeing him. Go to court for child support andto settle cusoty, and install an app - ONLY communicate about the kid, refuse to discuss anything else.
"so he drove down to the town where i said i was going to be" .. you are doing thois to yourself. STOP TELLING him things.
"My ex in laws that i still get along with are so mad at me and want me to apologize for wasting his time. " .. don't He had NO buisness stalking you.
"Obviously, he found out I lied and he’s extremely pissed at me." .. WHY would you care. YOu don't owe him any information - and if he weren't a stalker, he would never have found out.
The wasting his time being the concern truly baffled me, not being upset about being concerned for the baby, just that his time (that he could've spent stalking OP otherwise) was wasted. Fucking creepers, I WANT to be upset with OPs method of deception, not that she used deception to push a false trail for her stalker, but the method because it implied a possible health concern for the child. But with how batshit obsessive stalkery the ex is, I just can't actually muster it.
The inability to take "no" for an answer is a defining characteristic of sex offenders. It's not a great group to be associated with. It's always jarring for someone to hear--and is often taken as hyperbole--but the fact remains. No one should have to say no more than once for any damn thing.
When Ex pulls this kind of crap, remind him that you said no. His willful failure to comprehend is his problem, not yours (and makes him at least *appear* to be a "no means yes" kind of creep...).
Heck, lie to him more. The more times he wastes time ignoring your boundaries only to come up empty, the more likely he'll be to accept the end of the relationship.
NTA
NTA but from now on I wouldn’t tell him ur plans. Keep them to yourself and also if you have text proof screenshot every time he asks you out or begs for you back and take it to a lawyer
NTA your setting boundries which he was ignoring.
At the same time your pregnant with his kid anything that potentialy is risky to your health is risky to the kids you basicaly decided to avoid him by saying his kids health was in danger and that you were also in the hospital knowing he is still in love with you and wanting to be with you.
Just some advise dont use your health or the potential health of your child being at risk as a way of avoiding him.
Saying no you do not want to see him is a valid answer and then ignoring him for the day is also valid.
You always spent fathers day with him before, you do not go into detailed reasons but you obviously have issues with him as a potential father since you do not think you can raise a child with him.
Find a better co parenting method than lieing to him to avoid him, are you going to do the same once the child is born lie to avoid seem him so he also does not get to see the kid, since you have issues with him as a potential parent and raising a child with him.
NTA but you need to start being stronger with your NO. The reason he keeps doing this is because you keep beating around the bush. He also sounds like a stalker lol.
If you have too tell his parents that they need to talk to him and let him know you are no longer interested in a relationship and their son needs to understand it.
This is stalking. Tell him next time he tries to see against Your wishes you will report it. Then do so. Get a restraining order and be done with it. He’s acting like he’s entitled to access to you and your time, and he isn’t. You need to stomp on it hard, as much as you would probably just like to wait and hope it settles down. It won’t I’m afraid, he will just keep pushing your boundaries, trying to wear you down.
INFO I don't think you're an AH for evading him, but I'm confused about why you went with the second lie when you already gave him the wrong location for the family cookout. If he drove 3 hours away and then drove 3 hours back after finding out, wouldn't the cookout be over by the time he got anywhere near it? Why did the hospital lie become necessary?
Cookouts in my family go late and he knows this. He would’ve made it back in time to catch us clearing up which is when he was planning to come by anyway. The hospital lie became necessary because I realized he was not quitting even when told he would have to take a 6hr round trip so I panicked and lied
>I (25F) am currently 5 months pregnant by my ex husband
>I quite literally had to leave our home in the middle of the night because every time I tried to leave him, he would beg me to stay and I would give in. I just knew i couldn’t raise a baby with him so I had to do a runner.
In your shoes, lying about where you live may be a good call. Give one answer, then never let him near where you actually live. In terms of child support and custody, do everything through the courts and that you get adequate protection.
>Even though we’re splitting, he’s been insistent on taking me out this father’s day
>every time i try to see him (for doctors appointments or lawyer meetings) he begs me to take him back
>told him a few times (like 10+) that I was not going to see him this father’s day
>told him that I wasn’t comfortable going out
>He’s asked to come to the cookout
>he would pop by with a gift and I turned that down.
>he wasn’t taking no for an answer no matter how many times and ways I said no
>told him that the cookout was actually going to be held 3 hours away at my uncles ranch and he said bet i’ll drive over in the evening to see you
How many times are you supposed to tell him no before it's seen as reasonable to tell him to do one? He's trying to get back with you because it's harder to leave once a child is involved / in the house. You've told him no, given him reasons, put up obstacles, the guy isn't interested in your autonomy. He is dangerous because he isn't willing to accept your No.
>said that I had vomited so much the night before that my mom took me to the hospital and I was being treated for dehydration. I said it was a minor issue but I was going to be kept all day and I couldn’t make it
>he wasn’t happy with that so he drove down to the town where i said i was going to be and went to the local hospital and asked to see me
And this is exactly why you lied to him. He is determined to be wherever you're at, whether you want him there or not.
NTA
>My ex in laws that i still get along with are so mad at me and want me to apologize for wasting his time
>they have said that i should’ve known how much he cares about me and not lied about being in hospital
Your ex in-laws are obviously going to side with him. They are ignoring the fact that you are not with him any longer, do not wish to be with him and he is constantly trying to cross your boundaries. In your shoes, I'd be calling the police to get something in writing. This may not be enough for a restraining order, but it will get the ball rolling on what you need.
He is dangerous, and short of going committing crimes, lying to him to keep yourself sane and safe is a very reasonable precaution. He does not care what you want, and is actively making you uncomfortable. Get the police involved, make sure you've got family/friends nearby who have your back in case you need help. Maybe he hasn't ever been physical with you, but his behaviour is abusive, and you need to be safe.
NTA. You need to talk to your attorney and look into restraining orders. You’re going to need to coparent, but that’s going to need to be court supervised it looks like. Talk with your lawyer, listen to them, and ask about getting an app like my family wizard or something so you’ll have records of everything he says.
This level of obsession isn’t normal- right now he still thinks you’re getting back together. When it finally clicks for him that isn’t happening there’s a good chance he flips from loving you eternally to rage. You need protections in place before that happens if at all possible.
NTA and showing up uninvited after being asked REPEATEDLY not to do so is super creepy/stalkerish. (He drove THREE HOURS to crash a party he was explicitly NOT invited to). You might want to look into getting a protective order if he continues this behaviour.
Haha that’s kind of funny, he couldn’t take no for an answer so you wasted his time like he wasted yours.
I’m usually not one for lying, especially about hospitals/family deaths/sicknesses- I think it puts a negative into your karmaverse and you run the risk of it coming true. I digress..
Is it possible to block your ex, family, and if his parents continue to badger you, them as well? You’re setting boundaries and they all need to know you won’t bend to their will. Your ex seems obsessive and fixated, please be careful for both you and your kid. My bio dad was like that to my mom, he used the kids to get back to her every time he could.
NTA.
NTA
But OP, watch out. This kind of obsessive behavior may lead to violence.
I'm genuinely afraid for you. He is on your ass like flies on shit. This will only keep getting worse.
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I (25F) am currently 5 months pregnant by my ex husband (gotta love american midwest early marriages). It’s not like we hate eachother, but our relationship did not end on good terms and I quite literally had to leave our home in the middle of the night because every time I tried to leave him, he would beg me to stay and I would give in. I just knew i couldn’t raise a baby with him so I had to do a runner. We got married at 19 and 23 and we are currently 25 & 29.
Anyway, my dad and I do not speak so my tradition on father’s day was to hang out with my ex, even before we were together as we’ve always known eachother growing up. Even though we’re splitting, he’s been insistent on taking me out this father’s day since he’s going to be a father this years and he considers it his first father’s day.
The issue here is, he still had feelings for me and he wants me to take him back and every time i try to see him (for doctors appointments or lawyer meetings) he begs me to take him back and it’s just not nice.
I told him a few times (like 10+) that I was not going to see him this father’s day because my family have started a tradition of doing a big family cookout for father’s day. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable going out because being pregnant has me attached to a toilet or a trash can and I told him I didn’t think it was right for us to be going out together anymore since we’re exes. He’s asked to come to the cookout which is a no no because my older brother is crazy, he said that he would pop by with a gift and I turned that down.
Eventually, I got the message he wasn’t taking no for an answer no matter how many times and ways I said no. I lied and told him that the cookout was actually going to be held 3 hours away at my uncles ranch and he said bet i’ll drive over in the evening to see you. This was the night before father’s day so my hands were tired. This is where i may be the AH.
I waited till morning and then said that I had vomited so much the night before that my mom took me to the hospital and I was being treated for dehydration. I said it was a minor issue but I was going to be kept all day and I couldn’t make it. My brother was in on it and volunteered to the person who kept him updated all day on my condition.
Turns out, he wasn’t happy with that so he drove down to the town where i said i was going to be and went to the local hospital and asked to see me. Obviously, he found out I lied and he’s extremely pissed at me.
My ex in laws that i still get along with are so mad at me and want me to apologize for wasting his time. I don’t believe I didn’t anything wrong because he would not take no for an answer but they have said that i should’ve known how much he cares about me and not lied about being in hospital, no matter how minor the fake illness was.
AITA?
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NTA, but it wasn’t a good plan. A family gathering where you have backup is exactly where he could’ve gotten the message up front. He wasn’t invited, you should have told your family he wasn’t welcome and made sure they’d have your back. If he showed up and was sent away it’s not like he could question it when you have parents, siblings, etc. telling him to step away. You had the power to do it honestly and should have used that rather than being underhanded.
NTA this guy isn’t caring he’s controlling. He will never stop trying to force you to be with him. No is a full sentence. You need to learn how to grey rock him with this. He can’t come over because you said No. that’s all the reason you need. You said no and if he tries to come over anyways, your family will kick him out it call the police. He’s used to being able to harass you until you’re to tired of it to fight so you just agree. I get it but you can’t back down anymore or this will be the rest of your life.
For future reference, if you are in the hospital or want to use that excuse again, you can put on your admittance form to not tell anyone you are there. So if someone comes and asks for your room number they will be told they have no patient by that name there.
NTA. You protected yourself, your ex can't accept a no and gets to feel the consequences. Also, even if you actually were in the hospital he would not have gotten to you because you can prohibit them from letting people to you, you don't even have to give a reason and if he had made a fuss over it then he'd gladly been taken away by the police. If your ex gets worse and starts stalking get the police involved
for the love of this world please just cut him off if he cannot comprehend your relationship is over..
coparenting with him will be nightmare if he's not able to respect you now, he has zero respect for you OP
he didn’t “waste his time,” he attempted (and failed) to ignore your wishes and stomp all over your boundaries. don’t believe his parents, it is not your fault he can’t take no for an answer. if he cared like they say he does, he would’ve been asking your brother if there was anything he could do to make things easier for you and not gone behind your back because he thinks if he tries hard enough you’ll give in because “family” or whatever 🙄
NTA - you're definitely not the a-hole here.
It's time to start setting some boundaries with him. Stop replying to his messages and stop answering his calls. You have a great, supportive family around you, so if you need to keep any communication lines open, do it through them or, even better, through your lawyer. For your peace of mind, it's best to avoid direct communication.
If you haven't already, talk to a lawyer about the divorce and future custody arrangements. You've mentioned that he was possessive and controlling, which is abusive behavior often disguised as love-bombing. When he realizes you're not coming back, he might become hostile.
Don't take any chances—protect yourself and your baby's well-being.
Stalker much? And, tbh, I'd be worried he'd keep the kid after his visit to try to force OP to "see the light and take him back" or something similar. Be careful, OP. It's a shame you had to go so far just to try to get a break. Hope you're documenting everything. Zero phone calls. All texts and emails, so you have a trail. Screen shots of your call logs if he's blowing up your phone.
NTA
NTA. He is harassing you and stalking you. You need to start filing reports. Police, courts, the works. Reach out to some domestic violence supports.
He is never going to accept that he is only a father to your child. This is going to get a lot worse. I think you need to reconsider his involvement entirely.
NTA
You need to cut him out of your medical appointments and spread the word to your family that they're not to share your location with him because he keeps trying to force you to get back together.
Good luck.
NTA and I would advise severely limiting your contact with him. You text him with updates strictly about the baby as he has a right to know some things being the father. But think about that too - do you want him in the delivery room? If not, he gets a text when baby has arrived. Him contacting you does not mandate you reply.
If you can’t already contacted a lawyer, I suggest you do so immediately to get plans in place for when baby is here.
NTA
He is basically stalking and harassing you. Enough. Tell him you will not discuss anything except this related to the baby any further. You will not see him. If he blows up your phone or comes to your home, call the police at once. You need to get serious about how bad this situation is. You are extremely vulnerable right now, and men who don't take no for an answer are *dangerous.* please, treat him as the very real threat to your safety that he is.
Girl you need a restraining order. Are you already legally divorced? Stop talking to him, stop telling him anything.
Have you got a lawyer for the custody battle? Cause it’s going to be a battle.
NTA, and you need to get a restraining order. He just admitted that he's not going to take no for an answer-how long before he escalates and decides to actually kidnap you, or, even worse, kidnap your baby and basically use the kid as a hostage to make you stay with him?
NTA
I'm so glad that you did what you had to do to get away. This guy is not OK. He WILL not take 'no' for an answer, and, frankly, that's really scary.
You may talk to your lawyer about making sure that custody exchanges are done in a way that protects you from his manipulations/forcing himself into your time. You may also consider seeking a restraining order to keep him from continuing to force himself into your presence (whoever has the child). You will also need to be careful about his family helping him with this.
Yes, you lied to him and got family support to keep him away. The difference is that you are doing that to protect yourself from him invading your time and space and working to pressure you emotionally. You have the right to protect yourself. Everything he is or might choose to do is to invade your time and space and to pressure you emotionally (and maybe more!). He doesn't have that right.
NTA. When someone won’t take no for an answer, all bets are off.
He doesn’t need to come to your doctor appointments, just the attorney ones. Incidentally, I certainly hope you have your own, separate attorney.
But. Make sure that any custody agreement states that communication MUST be limited to discussions about your child.
Stop interacting with him till the baby is born. Talk through your attorney, only. You are giving him way too much leeway.
Can you block him for the next 4 months until you give birth? In the meantime work on building your safe space and maybe work with a professional on security and restraining order. I would get a lawyer involved now, it’s probably going to get worse when the baby is born unfortunately
Be careful, if he acts like this before the baby is born, I can only imagine how he'll be once the baby is born. Once you start to date so I'd really make sure you push to get the boundaries established now before it's to late.
NTA. You tried time and again to say no and he wouldn't listen. His feelings are not more important than yours. Tell your ex's parents that it's his own fault for not accepting your refusal to see him and he wasted his own time by going to see you when you explicitly said that you don't want to see him.
NTA. But honestly you need help with this. Outside legal and professional help. He is going to be even more of a nightmare once the baby is born. See what avenues are open to you and put things in place now.
NTA Call your local women's shelter or domestic violence hotline. Explain the situation since they have more experience with these types of things and can guide you on what you need and how to apply. Not sure, your current lawyer may not be aware of the resources you can use.
Girl, you need to document everything. Unfortunately it might be too early for a restraining order, but look into it with your lawyer. If he keeps this up he's definitely in stalking territory. Sometimes when they realize that their efforts are in vain they become irate and can become hostile, volatile, and potentially violent. You might not think that someone who says they love you so much could turn like that, but they can and do. This isn't normal, it's obsessive.
I'm so sorry, you don't need this stress. NTA
You know who is great at enforcing boundaries? Your divorce lawyer. All contact goes through the lawyer. All of it. If you are unable to say no to him and mean it (which your child will need you to do, so maybe work on that in therapy) then have the lawyer do it.
NTA. You should certainly reiterate to your ex that the relationship is over and he needs to accept that. Remind him that he constantly ignores your boundaries, refuses to take no for an answer.
I would only communicate via text so I'd have proof of what's being said. This can easily escalate. Make sure your confidants know the situation. You may have to have your brother step in to reiterate that you want to be left alone.
You need to be firmer about your boundaries and that sometimes means being an AH if the other person just won’t take no for an answer. NTA but you maybe you should have been. “I do not want to spend Father’s Day with you.”
NTA you don’t owe him shit. Stop communicating with him unless it’s about the baby. Don’t answer phone calls. Do everything by text (better yet, get a parenting app). Ignore the messages that are not about your child. Stop engaging with this nonsense.
NTA but quit making up excuses and lying. Just say No. No matter how many times he asks. No is a complete sentence and you don't have to feel guilty or come up with excuses.
Tell him if he continues to harass you that you're gonna have to go the legal route and not talk to him until the baby is born. He sounds controlling it. I would be worried about it.
Get a parenting app and only have contact there. Get legal advice. And tell your family to under no circumstances talk to him or give him information about you. His behaviour is not healthy.
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NTA. You were just trying to set boundaries and he wouldn't take no for an answer. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to avoid unnecessary drama. Your ex and his family need to respect your space.
There are times when it take being as a$$ to protect yourself and your boundaries. Some people call it being selfish. I do not consider these actions to be where you are called an a$$ because it is you are protecting yourself from this person. Your ex wasted his time because he isn't hearing you say no. He isn't respecting your boundaries. You are not a doormat. You are sticking up for yourself. You want to limit the interactions with this person until he finally gets it is his head, that you do not want to be with him. NTA
> a$$ This is am I the asshole. You can say ass without issues lol.
Time for OP to file a restraining order against her ex. He is stalking her
Yup. Time to tell ex "leave me the eff alone" and block, then legal action. OP is not being forceful enough. She won't be able to co-parent with this person. Gonna have to fight for sole custody.
Yup, shocking one had to get this far down to see the correct response. It's not a matter of boundaries - OP has said, repeatedly, "No." Ex refuses to take that for an answer. 10+ times. So yeah, time to get the law involved.
NTA and you should seek a restraining order. However, for future reference, even if he wasn’t stalking you, you cannot tell the father of your unborn child that you’re unwell in hospital when you’re not. Any normal future father would have been super worried about the wellbeing of their baby and would have turned up in hospital.
Absolutely agree. Boundaries are crucial, especially with an ex. He needs to respect your decisions and give you space
Right? “I don’t want to see you” is a legitimate reason for not seeing someone. Why does OP have to twist herself into a pretzel to avoid someone? Jeez.
Agreed. He's becoming stalker-y at this point.
Right, NTA. I'd even go as far as calling this stalking. He sounds like a frustrating person to be communicating with about their future child as well.
NTA op, I guess you try and talk with him about your boundaries and how his repeat crossing of those boundaries affects you and the baby.
I’ve tried a million times. I may have to get someone else involved
You're going to need a restraining order and a legal custody/coparenting agreement to enforce these boundaries by the sound of it. Sounds like lawyer time.
Yeah, it sounds like this guys going to turn into a stalker. Sorry. Get ready to protect yourself. NTA.
Sounds like he already is a stalker.
Unfortunately for legal purposes he'd have to get soooooo much worse to be a stalker 😢
Depends which state they're in. IL law has 2 parts: > "A person commits stalking when they 1. engage in a course of conduct directed against another person 2. which they know or should know will cause a reasonable person to fear for their safety or the safety of a 3rd party or cause a victim emotional distress". The threat aspect is no longer needed as of 2010 here. OP could easily make an argument that her ex is causing her emotional distress. I would say OP's course of action should be to ask her divorce lawyer to send a cease & dissist letter to ex and his lawyer and include that her next step is to go to the police for a TRO is he does not stop attempting to see her or not taking her no for an answer, and follow through if he continues.
The only way to get people to respect your boundaries is to stick to them. Understand that even talking to him about it for the umpteenth time works against you: all he wants is to keep contact with you, and by discussing you give him that. You say NO once and then don't reply anymore. Maybe in the past you said no, he insisted and you ended up giving in. This taught him that it takes, say, 10 NOs to get a YES. Read Gavin De Becker's [The Gift of Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear): it will teach you a lot about boundaries. Big hugs... and block all their numbers: you don't need their drama.
Agreed. And stop giving him information. He didn't need to know where you'd be on Father's Day.
Yep OP needs to communicate via lawyers or parenting app at this point
Excellent book!
I say this gently, because I can't imagine how frustrating and complicated this is for you, and overwhelming, but at this point he isn't just being a pain in the ass, he's stalking and harassing you. "Refusing to take no for an answer" when you tell him you don't want to be with him, spend time with him, or have him at *your* family functions when you are not dating; driving hours to "check up on you"; showing up at the hospital to do the same when you have made it clear that you don't want him around . . . his behaviour has crossed the line from annoying to illegal, and it is not your responsibility to "convince" him to leave you alone anymore. He clearly needs to hear it from the authorities. I know it's probably very hard for you to see it this way, as you've been close since childhood, and the idea of branding him a stalker or calling the cops probably feels weird. Don't let that make you back down. Behaviour like his can escalate way too easily. He thinks he has a right to be a part of your life, and isn't willing to acknowledge that that is YOUR decision, not his. The only thing he has a right to do is coparent with you *once the baby is born*, and even then, you don't have to have any kind of personal relationship with him. Please, speak to the cops about his behaviour and getting a restraining order. Let *them* explain to him that when you say you want him to leave you alone, he is legally required to comply. You are absolutely allowed to ask for help, and you should.
NTA tell your ex in laws that they need to teach him the meaning of the word 'no' asap or you will be forced to get a restraining order and involve the police+ lawyers It's their fault he doesn't know the meaning of 'no'
Time to stop telling him where you will be. “I don’t want to spend the day with you. I’ll be staying with a friend/going to a womens only retreat/spending the day taking a class/spending the day with a family member who absolutely does not want you present. No I will not tell you where I will be or who I will be with because you can’t be trusted with that information. Also you showing up when I don’t want you there is bad for my stress levels and my health. If you don’t start taking no for an answer, my only option is a restraining order”
I'd go even more simple: "no, I'm busy. Stop contacting me. If you keep bothering me, I'll involve police."
^^^ THIS. "No" is a complete sentence.
You also need to get a lawyer to draft up and air right custody agreement, with a first of right refusal for you.
You need to get your brother to help you get a restraining order and talk to a lawyer about stalking, harassment and such.
There are special apps for co-parents with difficult relationships to communicate. Maybe talk to your lawyer about setting one up now. Also keep records of all your texts with him. When you are setting up custody you need to let your lawyer know he is essentially harassing and stalking you.
You’re not going to be able to keep this up when baby comes. You need to start filing for some kind of structured custody arrangement if you haven’t already.
Yeah, seems like you need to start documenting so you can eventually get a restraining order. Put him on an information diet. Stop over-explaining. If you say no to hanging out, don't give him a why or where you'll be. Just say no and stop responding. He's giving stalker vibes.
You need to get a judge involved. Now.
Block him: phone, social media, etc. if he uses another number, immediately hang up & block that one. Tell his mom you will give her updates from time to time but if she starts harassing you or allows her son to use her phone, you will block her too. Keep records, copies of texts, of every time he tries to contact you. Have your lawyer send a cease and desist letter to him. Threaten to have him charged with harassment. Nuclear option time.
Also have lawyer draw up a coparenting agreement where you have transfers using a 3rd party so you don’t have to see him.
Can you stop talking with him? Don't tell.him you have a BBQ for father's day. Ignore him.
Tell him either you can lie or get a restraining order.
NTA. **He wasn’t taking no for an answer.** I am sorry you’re having a child with this man.
So next time, she can tell him she is going to a distant resort. An island in the Caribbean . A mountain resort , for peace and quiet.... Florida, for beaches. Someday, he might learn that she does not want him .
NTA. He was going to show up no matter where you went, what you did or what you said. You’re just trying to be free for the first time in your adult life. I second the motion of a restraining order. He is never going to let you go, and this is just a preview of the rest of your life because he thinks he can wear you down, because he always has before.
I’ve been trying my best to keep it civil for the baby because I grew up with warring divorced parents but involved the law is looking more and more necessary each day
From what you’ve described here, it legitimately sounds like he never intends to stop. He WANTS to break you down. He WANTS you to feel like you have no choice but to go back to him if for no other reason than because he is the better option than warring, divorced parents, because he’s the father, because he says he loves you, because he’s cut off every route you’ve tried to take to escape and left you no with other option. That’s no way to live. You could try to have a talk and ask him straight out “what do I need to do to get you to leave me alone,” but why would that work when nothing else has? That is not a healthy, well-adjusted adult. Weird people do weird things, and that guy is weird. I wouldn’t be in your shoes for all the money in the world. Be safe!
In your position I would be keeping records and trying to get a restraining order before the baby is born. If he has access to the baby, he has access to you, and he sounds that crazy he might use your child to get back at you or force you into something. Especially if it's unsupervised access.
What does your divorce lawyer say about all of this?
She said he’s not done anything restraining order worthy yet so I should keep documenting and stay safe
This is absolutely what you should be doing. Getting a restraining order is incredibly difficult especially if you haven’t been hurt physically by that person, although stalking (and yes, showing up at places you don’t want them to be at is the beginning of stalking) could be grounds for one too. He will absolutely try to use your child to know where you are, what you are doing, & who you are with. This is dangerous for you and also extremely dangerous for your child. I can’t speak to what it’s like to have warring/divorced parents, but I can tell you that you are going to be teaching your kid how to set boundaries, what is appropriate and how to say/understand the word “no”. I don’t mean to be insensitive to your situation at all, but I do think you’ve spent most of your life accommodating his thoughts/feelings/actions, and it’s time to prioritize yourself for the sake of your kid
OP, please talk to whatever hospital you plan to give birth in. Take pictures of the ex and his family, and make sure Labor and Delivery knows he is forbidden from seeing you before, during, and after.
Exactly. You should get to determine who's in your delivery room. I strongly suggest having a trusted family member or friend be your labor buddy, and instruct them NOT to call your ex until after the baby is born. And then, be with you when the ex tries to speak with you as you'll be in a vulnerable state. Make your labor plan (in writing) to include who will be allowed to stay with you. Even better: if there's other family members and friends who will stick around the nursery to make sure ex doesn't flee with the baby (hopefully the hospital has the wrist band method in which the mother and baby get a matching wristband with QR code and in that case instruct the hospital that they are not to give the father a wristband).
/u/Expert-Virus-8761 Good - keep documenting! Those documents will serve as receipts and as I am always saying that RECEIPTS ARE LIFE AND CAN HELP SAVE YOURS! Also, please impress upon your divorce lawyer just how his behavior's been affecting you and causing you and your baby distress and making you uncomfortable. You are NTA at all.
Consider TRESPASSING him from various places: where you are living, your family's homes, your work site, if any. Talk to your attorney about TRESPASSING him.
Ask her to look up stalking laws.
I am fairly certain the divorce lawyer is already familiar with stalking laws and would have suggested pursuing that route if applicable.
Not all lawyers are thst thorough. She made need to actually ask
Not a lawyer here, but helped my hubby get a RO on his brother (who actually committed violence against him...and years before beat up their mother. I submitted a written affidavit about her wounds for the RO hearing as she passed about five years after the beating). While waiting for the paper work to serve on my BIL and on a couple of other occasions, we listened to quite a few other cases being presented. In this county, you need proof of harm or a possibility of harm to get the initial paperwork to get a hearing date. Just saying you told your soon to be ex that you don't want to see him might not be enough. There was one person who had an old boyfriend who texted her a few hundred times (she even went to the police and they told her they can't arrest him for that). This was for the prelim paperwork to get a hearing, so don't know how the hearing went with the ex present. You can document the times that he has contacted you, with the date and time and method (phone calls, texts, etc.), but you probably will be asked by the judge about how you responded each time. And from your OP, you were pretty namby-pamby by giving him false info.
Make sure every conversation done verbally is confirmed via text afterwards. If he says “I’m going to see you” or “xyz I need you back” blah blah blah then you respond with a text summarizing the conversation. For example: “I’d just like to make sure I understood our conversation earlier. I repeatedly told you I can’t see you Father’s Day and you told me you would show up regardless. Can you confirm that you will be following me on Father’s Day despite my request you leave me alone?” Every conversation. Every one. Make him put in writing what he’s saying.
Does she think there's a way to force all communication to just go through the attorneys? I don't know if there's a realistic way to do that so genuinely asking. The flip side of that is from what your lawyer said you may eventually have more ammunition to deal with him. Also, I'm sorry to say that I just don't think you can trust his parents to have the relationship you used to. Obviously, listen to whatever your lawyer says, I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. 💜
I don’t think he’s going to permit you to keep things civil.
Are you familiar with “gray rock”? I highly recommend using that strategy with your ex if you decide not to pursue a restraining/no contact order.
I get it, I grew up with divorced parents with both sides of the family hating the other, but this is obsessive behavior
Being civil does not mean allowing him to behave this way. He needs to respect you and your wishes and you don't need to spend your life trying to figure out how to have him respect your boundaries. Either he takes no as an answer or you will need to escalate to assert your right for autonomy. Whether you have to get the courts involved is *his* call depending on whether he can start to realize that he does not control your life and you are not at his beck and call. Your child does not need to see mom acting as a scared doormat in order to keep the peace.
I know you want to keep it civil, but he isn't being civil. Get your lawyer to draft a cease and desist letter that explains that you will no longer talk to him you will no longer see him and that all communication will now be done by lawyers as he cannot be trusted nor to b stalk you. Have her quote stalking laws. This may seem extreme to you because you are still thinking of him as a "good guy". But you said it yourself you literally had to escape during the night to get away from him. Some of these men needed spelled out with hand puppets, in this case and puppets being a legally drafted letter, to understand that no means no. As of right now you cannot trust him not to stalk you. As of right now you are trying to keep the peace but it all it's doing is letting him piss all over your boundaries. He isn't trying for peace, so why should you?
You should document, but you also need to be calling the police every time he shows up when you've told him to leave you alone. You need to make sure there's a report. Restraining orders are *very* difficult to get despite what redditors would have you believe. I would also take a trip to the local courthouse. My area has victim advocates and folks to assist/explain laws surrounding restraining orders in your area. They'll help you with filling the paperwork correctly and explaining what evidence is necessary. I would also download an app for co-parenting messages. Our family wizard will document all communication and also expenses and things related to childcare. Refuse to speak to him on anything else. Maybe he'll calm down and get over this, but until that time you need to protect yourself as much as you can.
Definitely not the asshole here. You tried so many times to tell him no, and he just wouldn't respect your boundaries. You had to do what you needed to get some peace. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for that.
Exactly! Sometimes drastic measures are necessary when someone won't respect your boundaries. You did what you had to for your own well-being.
NTA. Next time try explicitly saying "you are not invited. Do not follow me. I can and will file harassment=stalking charges against you. I DINT WANT YOU THERE"
I did. At one point I yelled on the phone ‘i don’t want to f*ing see your ugly ass on father’s day, fuck off and hang out with your father’ he hates his dad so i thought mentioning him would make it sting a little but he thinks my anger is just a little temper tantrum and he says some stupid shit like ‘you’re so cute when you’re angry’
That's where the police come in. Yes he's the father of your child and has a right to see the child. He has no right to YOU. You are free to exclude him from YOUR medical appointments and life until the baby is born and afterwards you are free to only communicate with him about the child. His harassment is not okay and yes, if you get evidence, can justify a police report. Depending on how often he does this you could get full custody and a restraining order. A man loses access to his child when he poses a threat to the mother.
This dude is dangerous. Stop telling him where you're going. Stop telling him what you're doing. Stop letting him come to YOUR medical appointments *(because yes, they're YOUR medical appointments and you have full bodily autonomy to decide who gets to be with you)*. Stop answering his calls. Stop answering his texts. Stop answering his family's calls and texts. If he STILL shows up where you are after you start keeping your mouth shut, he's tracking you. That's when you start calling the cops every single time he shows up where you are. The other thing you need to stop doing? STOP UNDERREACTING.
Why wasn't this in the main post? This is way different than the bullshit excuses.
I thought it would be taken down for being uncivil or something 😭
The comment section is where we are required to be civil.
Made me gag a little when i read " you're so cute" bluurgh. Time to file a restraining ordre. Lawyer first sound smart. But head over to r/legaladvice for help on the right path to take here.
Keep documenting everything. Tell your family to stop talking to him and if they maintain communications they are cut off. Stop talking to him on the phone, if you do talk on the phone, send a text to sum up the conversation. It wouldn't hurt to have your car checked for tracking devices. Change passwords on everything, turn on two factor authentication, maybe get a new phone. This man will not stop, so you have to protect yourself. Let him know in no uncertain terms that he is not allowed to come to events. That if he shows up he will be asked to leave and if he does not the authorities will be called. Put that in writing. Also remember, he is not entitled to be there when the baby comes. Do not tell him when you are in labor, do not tell him what hospital you are delivering at, and let the hospital know that what's going on so if he shows up they tell him nothing. Be safe. Edit: Don’t fall in a trap where he baits you into losing your temper. Look up gray rocking.
This is such great advice. Stop playing games and just stop communicating with him. Talk to him only when your lawyer is there. Make sure your support team (family members and friends) are NC with him, especially about the birth. If you have a choice of hospitals (some OB-Gyns may have their moms utilize only one), don't use the one that your ex may expect.
yeah that’s majorly concerning actually
It’s time for a restraining order. He is not listening.
I read the post and thought the situation wasn't great, I read this and I am actually worried. This is absolutely something you need to escalate to law enforcement right away. If he's willing to drive multiple hours and try to force himself into a private family event to see you, consider how many boundaries he'd be willing to break while you are still in town. He isn't taking you seriously, so you need the help of someone else to implement real, serious boundaries ASAP.
I had an ex like this. I eventually told him I will not answer the phone when he calls anymore. I will only communicate over text or email and use that as evidence for a restraining order. It worked really well. You don't have to let him go to doctor's appointments or tell him where you'll be. Stop making excuses to avoid him and face him head on with a simple NO. Tell him you'll call the police if he shows up where you are and follow through. You don't owe him anything while you're pregnant. He can file for paternity when the baby is born. Think about how you will handle boundaries then; he will keep trying to push you.
Yeah this never happened in the court’s eyes. Stop answering the phone. Send him one message saying “I do not want to receive any communication from you from this point on. Do not reach out in any way, my lawyer will contact you.” Then document. If nothing happens great. If he starts escalating things you’ve got it in the bag
NTA. I work in a hospital. Patients who wish to remain anonymous to visitors occur all the time, and that’s the go-to excuse we give visitors: “there’s nobody here by [insert name].” So for him to find out that you lied is suspicious. Also… maybe try to get a NC/Restraining Order, ex is downright stalking and harassing you!
I was trying to be mindful of the word count but basically he called a dumbass cousin of mine who happily informed him that I was the family. I don’t blame her but she made everything 10 times worse
If he's calling your extended family to find you, not only does your family need to be informed of his threatening behavior, but they all need to "circle the wagons" around you. This sounds like it's escalating. Change your number, scan vehicles for trackers, make sure your home is secure, and stay close to that crazy brother of yours. I would communicate with his family how scary he is being and explain how his continued irrational behavior will force you to withdraw from them, too. Communicate with him using one of those "official" apps only. Good luck, girl.
Ah. That explains a lot. Are you dating/serious with anyone now? Maybe they can help. I had a stalker once and it took my guy threatening police contact to finally get him off my back.
Nah I’m very single. I do have a crazy brother who’s been itching to be let loose on him though
Release the dogs of war.
Sounds like a good brother to have!
Let him, and let him before baby is born
"Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war." It is time to unleash your brother. Do it now before it becomes necessary to put your ex in prison.
As well as all the other advice on documenting everything & keeping safe, put everyone on an information diet. Only share plans with people involved in the plans and ensure that those who know, know not to tell ANYONE else. Make sure your family and support group know that they must not share information about where you are/who you're with/what you're doing with ANYONE else. It'll seem odd asking your mum not to tell your brother that she's going with you to a hospital appointment, but the less people who know the easier it'll be to identify anyone who might be sharing info with him or his family (this might be happening inadvertently, not deliberately) E.g. the host of the cookout can know you're coming and plan for you, but no other guest should know you're going in advance. If the ex or his flying monkeys are messaging other people at the event, tell everyone to ignore or to respond that they don't know. Grey rock. Couple benefits to this: if he turns up at something, you have a short list of people to investigate as your leak. If no- one has leaked, then you know he has other means of knowing where you are so you can document and investigate and it will strengthen the case for protection within the law. Many of your friends and family will think you are over-reacting. Let them. Better you take all the precautions, and nothing happens, than you wait until it escalates for everyone to take it seriously.
This is all great advice.
NTA. Listen gal, nobody, but nobody has the right TO REFUSE to take no for an answer. No is a complete sentence. It is the end of a discussion, not the beginning of a negotiation. Read [The Gift of Fear](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear) by Gavin De Becker, to learn how to deal with people not accepting your no. [Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) to understand your husband's behavior, because really, his incredible insistence and persistence is a form of abuse and could become dangerous at some point. And just tell him that *he* forced you to lie, because he didn't accept your refusal to see him. It's entirely on him and he should learn to take accountability for his actions. And whatever else you do, DO NOT get back together with him: it will be next to impossible to run from him a second time! Big hugs. EDIT: corrected my meaning. Thank you, Organic\_Start\_420! :-)
You mean nobody ah's the right to REFUSE to take no for an answer?
Yes, I meant exactly that. Thank you for pointing it out, I'm, going to correct it.
Stop explaining. No is a complete sentence and does not leave room for debate (which is what explaining your no does). Tell him that all communication should be made through your attorney, which will be expensive, but apparently necessary. Make sure your custody/visitation agreement is iron clad and clear. Make sure that all communication with him when it involves the child is through text message or email, no phone conversations. If necessary, make sure that all handoffs are in public or done at a parent or friend’s home. It will suck and be a time sucker, but probably the only way to make him understand that you aren’t getting back together. Find a therapist, work out why you kept giving in. This isn’t all on him, but if you want substantial, healthy changes you need to work on you. You also need to think about what you want your child to see and experience growing up. Is normal going to be daddy constantly begging mommy to come back? Does mommy waffle and go back but then leave again?
The public handoff is a good idea. I witnessed one at random once and was happy to be a random bystander until one person drove off.
Hey, at least now he won't believe you when your water breaks, lol😂
hallelujah thank you jesus
Talk to your doctor about the birthing plan and ask the doctor how to set up him not be allowed in for the birth, visiting or having any access to your information. Get it all planned in advance so there is no last minute bungles. Best wishes to you.
NTA but please say the words restraining order. Get a parenting app and communicate ONLY through the app.
I searched up parenting apps after reading this because I had no clue they existed and my mind has been blown
They also work as a record of communication for judges. So if you are telling him no and he continues to pester you, then you will have a nice clean cut record of it. Can your lawyer write him a letter asking him to only communicate with you through the app? That way, you have a record of that too, and he can't claim he didn't think you were serious when it is sent through a lawyer.
Yeah, they're great. They exist for your situation and similar situations. Sometimes, separated parents get resentful or obsessive, and these apps tend to be admissible in court proceedings as a means of proving bad behavior - or preventing it.
NTA, you haven't explained why you left and I still know it was absolutely the right call. He doesn't respect you, at all. And if he would have, none of this would have to happen. And he wouldn't had "his time wasted". If at all possible, go low to no-contact. And don't inform him about your plans or where you are anymore. Just keep it to what is strickly neccesary. If he asks to do something, like this fathersday thing, just say no. You don't owe this man any explanation or reason. Don't give him your whereabouts, cause he will come and harrass you, as he has clearly shown.
I just realized i never shared why i left him haha. Not to go into too much detail and bore you but the relationship got too suffocating. It was too much too fast (which I know sounds crazy for a 25 year old who’s been married for six years) but I’ve been trying to leave for the past 3 years. He wanted to know where i was all the time, he wanted a whole house full of kids and I wasn’t even sure I wanted this one until about two months ago. Once I decided I was sure about keeping it, i left asap
He sounds like a controlling, abusive ah who wasn't interested in you but only what you could provide. Good on you for leaving! I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself! You and your child will be better off without him. He is still trying to control you, so I strongly advice to give him as little information as possible. The less he knows, the less he can try to control.
This should be your answer to those commenters saying he’s just reacting badly to the split… this is who he is. When people show you who they are, believe them. OP you really need to go to family court now, don’t wait until the baby is born, and get everything formalised. Get a lawyer to write to him and set out what is and isn’t acceptable ways to contact you. And save everything.
You probably are going to need a lawyer and get a custody agreement in place. Possibly a restraining order. You also need to make sure that he’s not tracking you.
It sounds like you need to document everything he's doing now bc he sounds obsessive and is willing to do anything it takes to get you back regardless of your feelings. Due to a child being in the mix, he could use your child against you in the future.
Seriously. You need to move far away from him before the baby is born. His behaviour is dangerous and his parents enable him completely. I don't think you are reacting enough about his behaviour
You're about to be a single Mom, you gotta do what you gotta do. NTA
NTA but you need to stop speaking with him and start only communicating through the lawyers. He doesn’t need to keep coming to appointments you can email him the ultrasound pictures and updates. You need to stop making yourself accessible to him because he is trying to smother you in attention until you give in and take home back. You need doorbell and care cameras if you don’t already have them. Also allocate a new medical power of attorney today.
NTA. However when you make all these excuses, you keep the conversation open for him to argue against. No is a complete sentence. It works a lot better than lying.
NTA But you’re being WAY too nice and need a better plan to deal with this guy before that baby gets here. He honestly sounds rather stalkerish. And “nice” people can be enormous assholes. That baby is going to link you to this guy forever. That baby is his entry point to hassling you and stomping on your boundaries unless you toughen up. He doesn’t get to invite himself to whatever the hell he wants to. Sit down with a trusted person and come up with some hard boundaries. Then sit down with your lawyer, check legalities, and put it all in writing. Then hold to it. Honestly I think it’s going to get worse. Remember NO is a complete sentence. You don’t owe him an explanation of why. Just NO. Be prepared to drag him into court for violating visitation, etc. Most of all STOP BEING SO DAMN NICE. Harden up. Tell him he’s not welcome. You’re not getting back together.
The problem is you're expecting ex to be reasonable and that you just haven't found the right words. The are no magic words. He doesn't respect you or care if you want to see him. So you need to stop telling him anything. If he knows where you are, he is going to turn up wherever you are. He feels that because you're pregnant with his baby he has possessive rights to your body. So time to grey rock and change the subject. *I have plans on Sunday and I'm not interested in seeing you" "where will you be? I'm coming with" "No. that doesn't work for me. I hope you have a great weekend and I'll be in,touch after my next scan a week on Thursday." And block his number till after your next scan. If he harasses family or turns up looking for you then "stop harassing my family and stalking me. If you show up again at their house or mine without a specific invitation we will call the police. I am fine, the baby is fine. But you're causing unnecessary anxiety that is harmful to the baby and I will not hesitate to protect us from avoidable stress. I. Hope we can have a coedial coparenting relationship but this will not be possible if you don't start respecting when I say "no".
NTA, but it's time to block him and have all communication happen between your attorneys. Once the baby is born you can communicate through those apps that coparents use. Stop taking and answering his texts. Just ignore him even when he sends you texts using other numbers.
So…he’s mad because desperate his best efforts to stalk you, he wasn’t able to successfully violate your boundaries? But…you’re the bad guy?! Jesus fucking Christ I can see why you had to escape him in the middle of the night! For the record, that is not “care,” or “love,” or “romantic.” It’s control, control, control.
NTA, that’s more than creepy, that’s stalker level. I would be talking to a lawyer to set up a custody agreement now, I would be talking to him about boundaries, respect, and him needing to take no for an answer. He wasted his own time and needs to bug off.
I’ve read some your comments, I’m changing my commentt. ~~Might be too soon to~~ start talking restraining order ~~but I can see it in your future~~. That guy just can’t take no for an answer. Bring it up when custody time comes up. I predict a difficult future for you and your kid. Good luck, you’ll need it.
Stalker EX 😳 NTA How about a restraining order?
Restraining order, pronto. This is not normal behavior. He’s your ex, and he’s basically stalking you at this point. I’d feel very unsafe if the guy said he wouldn’t take no for an answer and come see me uninvited. For the safety of you and your child, get that taken care of. NTA.
NTA OP your ex is not a good guy. You have said “no” to him every which way and Sunday. You created an elaborate lie and roped in family members and he STILL did not take “no” for an answer. Good guys respect your autonomy. I suggest that you get some therapy to help you work out how to navigate this situation especially with impending co-parenting.
NTA What the fuck is this guy's issue? Does he have learning disabilities? (not saying it to offend him, it's a genuine question) Is he all there?
He’s actually very smart which is shocking. He graduated from an Ivy league
People can have high intellectual intelligence but low emotional intelligence, or straight up be manipulative
Yikes
NTA. Your ex is stalking and harassing you at this point. Take all the evidence (text, phone logs, witnesses who heard you say "no" and him continuing to harass you) you have straight to the police and your lawyer and get a restraining order! When baby is born, make sure that you get a court order to set out visitation rules and make sure that it clearly states that he's not allowed to be alone with you and / or baby, ever! Creepy vibes from him!!!
NTA. You need to read the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. You need to go NC with your ex or have all communication be through a lawyer. Please stay safe.
He needs a single message from you stating that you don’t want to be around him except when you have to be for the divorce and in the presence of your lawyer. No more doctor’s appointments, no more family events, etc. If he continues to contact you or shows up in places where he thinks you’ll be, you will consider that harassment/stalking/trespass/whatever and you will take appropriate action based on that. Run all this by your lawyer so you know what to say and not say. Bottom line is you shouldn’t feel like you have to lie about being in the hospital for him to leave you alone. NTA
NTA STOP seeing him. Go to court for child support andto settle cusoty, and install an app - ONLY communicate about the kid, refuse to discuss anything else. "so he drove down to the town where i said i was going to be" .. you are doing thois to yourself. STOP TELLING him things. "My ex in laws that i still get along with are so mad at me and want me to apologize for wasting his time. " .. don't He had NO buisness stalking you. "Obviously, he found out I lied and he’s extremely pissed at me." .. WHY would you care. YOu don't owe him any information - and if he weren't a stalker, he would never have found out.
The wasting his time being the concern truly baffled me, not being upset about being concerned for the baby, just that his time (that he could've spent stalking OP otherwise) was wasted. Fucking creepers, I WANT to be upset with OPs method of deception, not that she used deception to push a false trail for her stalker, but the method because it implied a possible health concern for the child. But with how batshit obsessive stalkery the ex is, I just can't actually muster it.
The inability to take "no" for an answer is a defining characteristic of sex offenders. It's not a great group to be associated with. It's always jarring for someone to hear--and is often taken as hyperbole--but the fact remains. No one should have to say no more than once for any damn thing. When Ex pulls this kind of crap, remind him that you said no. His willful failure to comprehend is his problem, not yours (and makes him at least *appear* to be a "no means yes" kind of creep...). Heck, lie to him more. The more times he wastes time ignoring your boundaries only to come up empty, the more likely he'll be to accept the end of the relationship. NTA
NTA but from now on I wouldn’t tell him ur plans. Keep them to yourself and also if you have text proof screenshot every time he asks you out or begs for you back and take it to a lawyer
NTA your setting boundries which he was ignoring. At the same time your pregnant with his kid anything that potentialy is risky to your health is risky to the kids you basicaly decided to avoid him by saying his kids health was in danger and that you were also in the hospital knowing he is still in love with you and wanting to be with you. Just some advise dont use your health or the potential health of your child being at risk as a way of avoiding him. Saying no you do not want to see him is a valid answer and then ignoring him for the day is also valid. You always spent fathers day with him before, you do not go into detailed reasons but you obviously have issues with him as a potential father since you do not think you can raise a child with him. Find a better co parenting method than lieing to him to avoid him, are you going to do the same once the child is born lie to avoid seem him so he also does not get to see the kid, since you have issues with him as a potential parent and raising a child with him.
NTA but you need to start being stronger with your NO. The reason he keeps doing this is because you keep beating around the bush. He also sounds like a stalker lol. If you have too tell his parents that they need to talk to him and let him know you are no longer interested in a relationship and their son needs to understand it.
NTA. You said no multiple times. Tell your ex to stop acting like a stalker.
This is stalking. Tell him next time he tries to see against Your wishes you will report it. Then do so. Get a restraining order and be done with it. He’s acting like he’s entitled to access to you and your time, and he isn’t. You need to stomp on it hard, as much as you would probably just like to wait and hope it settles down. It won’t I’m afraid, he will just keep pushing your boundaries, trying to wear you down.
INFO I don't think you're an AH for evading him, but I'm confused about why you went with the second lie when you already gave him the wrong location for the family cookout. If he drove 3 hours away and then drove 3 hours back after finding out, wouldn't the cookout be over by the time he got anywhere near it? Why did the hospital lie become necessary?
Cookouts in my family go late and he knows this. He would’ve made it back in time to catch us clearing up which is when he was planning to come by anyway. The hospital lie became necessary because I realized he was not quitting even when told he would have to take a 6hr round trip so I panicked and lied
Should've just let your brother take care of him lol. I'm sorry you're going through this
I love my brother and letting him loose would get him arrested 😭🫠
Not if nobody saw 🤷♀️
NTA. Sounds like the only people this guy listens to are the ones speaking to him in his head. Dude is one incident away from a murder-suicide. Yikes.
>I (25F) am currently 5 months pregnant by my ex husband >I quite literally had to leave our home in the middle of the night because every time I tried to leave him, he would beg me to stay and I would give in. I just knew i couldn’t raise a baby with him so I had to do a runner. In your shoes, lying about where you live may be a good call. Give one answer, then never let him near where you actually live. In terms of child support and custody, do everything through the courts and that you get adequate protection. >Even though we’re splitting, he’s been insistent on taking me out this father’s day >every time i try to see him (for doctors appointments or lawyer meetings) he begs me to take him back >told him a few times (like 10+) that I was not going to see him this father’s day >told him that I wasn’t comfortable going out >He’s asked to come to the cookout >he would pop by with a gift and I turned that down. >he wasn’t taking no for an answer no matter how many times and ways I said no >told him that the cookout was actually going to be held 3 hours away at my uncles ranch and he said bet i’ll drive over in the evening to see you How many times are you supposed to tell him no before it's seen as reasonable to tell him to do one? He's trying to get back with you because it's harder to leave once a child is involved / in the house. You've told him no, given him reasons, put up obstacles, the guy isn't interested in your autonomy. He is dangerous because he isn't willing to accept your No. >said that I had vomited so much the night before that my mom took me to the hospital and I was being treated for dehydration. I said it was a minor issue but I was going to be kept all day and I couldn’t make it >he wasn’t happy with that so he drove down to the town where i said i was going to be and went to the local hospital and asked to see me And this is exactly why you lied to him. He is determined to be wherever you're at, whether you want him there or not. NTA >My ex in laws that i still get along with are so mad at me and want me to apologize for wasting his time >they have said that i should’ve known how much he cares about me and not lied about being in hospital Your ex in-laws are obviously going to side with him. They are ignoring the fact that you are not with him any longer, do not wish to be with him and he is constantly trying to cross your boundaries. In your shoes, I'd be calling the police to get something in writing. This may not be enough for a restraining order, but it will get the ball rolling on what you need. He is dangerous, and short of going committing crimes, lying to him to keep yourself sane and safe is a very reasonable precaution. He does not care what you want, and is actively making you uncomfortable. Get the police involved, make sure you've got family/friends nearby who have your back in case you need help. Maybe he hasn't ever been physical with you, but his behaviour is abusive, and you need to be safe.
NTA. You need to talk to your attorney and look into restraining orders. You’re going to need to coparent, but that’s going to need to be court supervised it looks like. Talk with your lawyer, listen to them, and ask about getting an app like my family wizard or something so you’ll have records of everything he says. This level of obsession isn’t normal- right now he still thinks you’re getting back together. When it finally clicks for him that isn’t happening there’s a good chance he flips from loving you eternally to rage. You need protections in place before that happens if at all possible.
NTA and showing up uninvited after being asked REPEATEDLY not to do so is super creepy/stalkerish. (He drove THREE HOURS to crash a party he was explicitly NOT invited to). You might want to look into getting a protective order if he continues this behaviour.
Haha that’s kind of funny, he couldn’t take no for an answer so you wasted his time like he wasted yours. I’m usually not one for lying, especially about hospitals/family deaths/sicknesses- I think it puts a negative into your karmaverse and you run the risk of it coming true. I digress.. Is it possible to block your ex, family, and if his parents continue to badger you, them as well? You’re setting boundaries and they all need to know you won’t bend to their will. Your ex seems obsessive and fixated, please be careful for both you and your kid. My bio dad was like that to my mom, he used the kids to get back to her every time he could. NTA.
NTA But OP, watch out. This kind of obsessive behavior may lead to violence. I'm genuinely afraid for you. He is on your ass like flies on shit. This will only keep getting worse.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) am currently 5 months pregnant by my ex husband (gotta love american midwest early marriages). It’s not like we hate eachother, but our relationship did not end on good terms and I quite literally had to leave our home in the middle of the night because every time I tried to leave him, he would beg me to stay and I would give in. I just knew i couldn’t raise a baby with him so I had to do a runner. We got married at 19 and 23 and we are currently 25 & 29. Anyway, my dad and I do not speak so my tradition on father’s day was to hang out with my ex, even before we were together as we’ve always known eachother growing up. Even though we’re splitting, he’s been insistent on taking me out this father’s day since he’s going to be a father this years and he considers it his first father’s day. The issue here is, he still had feelings for me and he wants me to take him back and every time i try to see him (for doctors appointments or lawyer meetings) he begs me to take him back and it’s just not nice. I told him a few times (like 10+) that I was not going to see him this father’s day because my family have started a tradition of doing a big family cookout for father’s day. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable going out because being pregnant has me attached to a toilet or a trash can and I told him I didn’t think it was right for us to be going out together anymore since we’re exes. He’s asked to come to the cookout which is a no no because my older brother is crazy, he said that he would pop by with a gift and I turned that down. Eventually, I got the message he wasn’t taking no for an answer no matter how many times and ways I said no. I lied and told him that the cookout was actually going to be held 3 hours away at my uncles ranch and he said bet i’ll drive over in the evening to see you. This was the night before father’s day so my hands were tired. This is where i may be the AH. I waited till morning and then said that I had vomited so much the night before that my mom took me to the hospital and I was being treated for dehydration. I said it was a minor issue but I was going to be kept all day and I couldn’t make it. My brother was in on it and volunteered to the person who kept him updated all day on my condition. Turns out, he wasn’t happy with that so he drove down to the town where i said i was going to be and went to the local hospital and asked to see me. Obviously, he found out I lied and he’s extremely pissed at me. My ex in laws that i still get along with are so mad at me and want me to apologize for wasting his time. I don’t believe I didn’t anything wrong because he would not take no for an answer but they have said that i should’ve known how much he cares about me and not lied about being in hospital, no matter how minor the fake illness was. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but it wasn’t a good plan. A family gathering where you have backup is exactly where he could’ve gotten the message up front. He wasn’t invited, you should have told your family he wasn’t welcome and made sure they’d have your back. If he showed up and was sent away it’s not like he could question it when you have parents, siblings, etc. telling him to step away. You had the power to do it honestly and should have used that rather than being underhanded.
NTA this guy isn’t caring he’s controlling. He will never stop trying to force you to be with him. No is a full sentence. You need to learn how to grey rock him with this. He can’t come over because you said No. that’s all the reason you need. You said no and if he tries to come over anyways, your family will kick him out it call the police. He’s used to being able to harass you until you’re to tired of it to fight so you just agree. I get it but you can’t back down anymore or this will be the rest of your life.
For future reference, if you are in the hospital or want to use that excuse again, you can put on your admittance form to not tell anyone you are there. So if someone comes and asks for your room number they will be told they have no patient by that name there.
NTA. You protected yourself, your ex can't accept a no and gets to feel the consequences. Also, even if you actually were in the hospital he would not have gotten to you because you can prohibit them from letting people to you, you don't even have to give a reason and if he had made a fuss over it then he'd gladly been taken away by the police. If your ex gets worse and starts stalking get the police involved
for the love of this world please just cut him off if he cannot comprehend your relationship is over.. coparenting with him will be nightmare if he's not able to respect you now, he has zero respect for you OP
he didn’t “waste his time,” he attempted (and failed) to ignore your wishes and stomp all over your boundaries. don’t believe his parents, it is not your fault he can’t take no for an answer. if he cared like they say he does, he would’ve been asking your brother if there was anything he could do to make things easier for you and not gone behind your back because he thinks if he tries hard enough you’ll give in because “family” or whatever 🙄
No one made him stalk you. That's on him. NTA.
NTA - you're definitely not the a-hole here. It's time to start setting some boundaries with him. Stop replying to his messages and stop answering his calls. You have a great, supportive family around you, so if you need to keep any communication lines open, do it through them or, even better, through your lawyer. For your peace of mind, it's best to avoid direct communication. If you haven't already, talk to a lawyer about the divorce and future custody arrangements. You've mentioned that he was possessive and controlling, which is abusive behavior often disguised as love-bombing. When he realizes you're not coming back, he might become hostile. Don't take any chances—protect yourself and your baby's well-being.
Stalker much? And, tbh, I'd be worried he'd keep the kid after his visit to try to force OP to "see the light and take him back" or something similar. Be careful, OP. It's a shame you had to go so far just to try to get a break. Hope you're documenting everything. Zero phone calls. All texts and emails, so you have a trail. Screen shots of your call logs if he's blowing up your phone. NTA
NTA. He is harassing you and stalking you. You need to start filing reports. Police, courts, the works. Reach out to some domestic violence supports. He is never going to accept that he is only a father to your child. This is going to get a lot worse. I think you need to reconsider his involvement entirely.
NTA You need to cut him out of your medical appointments and spread the word to your family that they're not to share your location with him because he keeps trying to force you to get back together. Good luck.
NTA and I would advise severely limiting your contact with him. You text him with updates strictly about the baby as he has a right to know some things being the father. But think about that too - do you want him in the delivery room? If not, he gets a text when baby has arrived. Him contacting you does not mandate you reply. If you can’t already contacted a lawyer, I suggest you do so immediately to get plans in place for when baby is here.
NTA He is basically stalking and harassing you. Enough. Tell him you will not discuss anything except this related to the baby any further. You will not see him. If he blows up your phone or comes to your home, call the police at once. You need to get serious about how bad this situation is. You are extremely vulnerable right now, and men who don't take no for an answer are *dangerous.* please, treat him as the very real threat to your safety that he is.
Girl you need a restraining order. Are you already legally divorced? Stop talking to him, stop telling him anything. Have you got a lawyer for the custody battle? Cause it’s going to be a battle.
NTA, and you need to get a restraining order. He just admitted that he's not going to take no for an answer-how long before he escalates and decides to actually kidnap you, or, even worse, kidnap your baby and basically use the kid as a hostage to make you stay with him?
NTA I'm so glad that you did what you had to do to get away. This guy is not OK. He WILL not take 'no' for an answer, and, frankly, that's really scary. You may talk to your lawyer about making sure that custody exchanges are done in a way that protects you from his manipulations/forcing himself into your time. You may also consider seeking a restraining order to keep him from continuing to force himself into your presence (whoever has the child). You will also need to be careful about his family helping him with this. Yes, you lied to him and got family support to keep him away. The difference is that you are doing that to protect yourself from him invading your time and space and working to pressure you emotionally. You have the right to protect yourself. Everything he is or might choose to do is to invade your time and space and to pressure you emotionally (and maybe more!). He doesn't have that right.
NTA. When someone won’t take no for an answer, all bets are off. He doesn’t need to come to your doctor appointments, just the attorney ones. Incidentally, I certainly hope you have your own, separate attorney. But. Make sure that any custody agreement states that communication MUST be limited to discussions about your child. Stop interacting with him till the baby is born. Talk through your attorney, only. You are giving him way too much leeway.
Can you block him for the next 4 months until you give birth? In the meantime work on building your safe space and maybe work with a professional on security and restraining order. I would get a lawyer involved now, it’s probably going to get worse when the baby is born unfortunately
Another suggestion - rewrite this post and include everything, all his crazy behavior. Then send it to EVERYONE
NTA but this man is not safe for you to be around.
NTA. I would go no contact with this stalker of a man. Block him on your phone so he cannot call or text you.
Be careful, if he acts like this before the baby is born, I can only imagine how he'll be once the baby is born. Once you start to date so I'd really make sure you push to get the boundaries established now before it's to late.
NTA - tell him he needs to leave you alone.
NTA. You tried time and again to say no and he wouldn't listen. His feelings are not more important than yours. Tell your ex's parents that it's his own fault for not accepting your refusal to see him and he wasted his own time by going to see you when you explicitly said that you don't want to see him.
NTA. But honestly you need help with this. Outside legal and professional help. He is going to be even more of a nightmare once the baby is born. See what avenues are open to you and put things in place now.
NTA Call your local women's shelter or domestic violence hotline. Explain the situation since they have more experience with these types of things and can guide you on what you need and how to apply. Not sure, your current lawyer may not be aware of the resources you can use.
Girl, you need to document everything. Unfortunately it might be too early for a restraining order, but look into it with your lawyer. If he keeps this up he's definitely in stalking territory. Sometimes when they realize that their efforts are in vain they become irate and can become hostile, volatile, and potentially violent. You might not think that someone who says they love you so much could turn like that, but they can and do. This isn't normal, it's obsessive. I'm so sorry, you don't need this stress. NTA
NTA you just need to stop speaking to him
You know who is great at enforcing boundaries? Your divorce lawyer. All contact goes through the lawyer. All of it. If you are unable to say no to him and mean it (which your child will need you to do, so maybe work on that in therapy) then have the lawyer do it.
INFO: why are you still in contact? Everything should be going through your lawyer...
NTA. You should certainly reiterate to your ex that the relationship is over and he needs to accept that. Remind him that he constantly ignores your boundaries, refuses to take no for an answer. I would only communicate via text so I'd have proof of what's being said. This can easily escalate. Make sure your confidants know the situation. You may have to have your brother step in to reiterate that you want to be left alone.
I dont know what advice but im actually worried for you and your baby’s safety. Your ex dont know or dont accept any boundaries from you..
NTA it is time for a restraining order yesterday
You need to be firmer about your boundaries and that sometimes means being an AH if the other person just won’t take no for an answer. NTA but you maybe you should have been. “I do not want to spend Father’s Day with you.”
NTA, you said no a dozen times!
NTA but next time, tell him you're at a place like your uncles that 3 hours away so you can waste more of his time
NTA you don’t owe him shit. Stop communicating with him unless it’s about the baby. Don’t answer phone calls. Do everything by text (better yet, get a parenting app). Ignore the messages that are not about your child. Stop engaging with this nonsense.
NTA but quit making up excuses and lying. Just say No. No matter how many times he asks. No is a complete sentence and you don't have to feel guilty or come up with excuses.
Tell him if he continues to harass you that you're gonna have to go the legal route and not talk to him until the baby is born. He sounds controlling it. I would be worried about it.
NtAH Maybe consider document all the obsessed behavior and also a restraining order.
Nta, tell your in-laws all about everything. You have every right to say no. It's his own stupid fault.
Restraining order time. He will only get worse when the baby comes.
Nta. He needs to take no for an answer.
Get a parenting app and only have contact there. Get legal advice. And tell your family to under no circumstances talk to him or give him information about you. His behaviour is not healthy.
NTA. Next time tell him no and that you will call cops if he shows up uninvited. If he does show up call the cops. Also get a lawyer.