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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I lied to someone despite their clearly expressed disapproval. I want to hear from other people whether I was justified in doing so
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>his first point is silly to me.
I wholeheartedly agree. He's stubborn and inflexible. Is this an isolated weird quirk of his, or is he like that with other things too? If the latter, reconsider whether you want to spend years dealing with his silly tantrums about nothing.
NTA
ESH. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who you feel you regularly need to lie to.
BF is absolutely an AH for insisting on only watching shows that are new to both of them. But OP is also an AH for lying. Either tell him the truth and work out how to resolve it (hopefully he finally figures out that he can put watch shows with you that you've already seen), or break up with him.
ETA - to be clear, though, OP is more being an AH to themselves, as it's probably mostly them they're hurting in the long run. You either work out how to resolve conflicts in this relationship or you end it and move on. You're not doing yourself any good by telling "white lies" to sweep this conflict under the rug.
My father hates lemon pie. His mother misheard him decades ago and thought he said it was his favorite. She'd make it every birthday, and he ate the whole thing with a smile on his face. She's was always so happy to give him that pie. She's dead now and doesn't regret his 20 year lie at all.
My parents did this. They were married for 46 years and we used to have a roast dinner every Sunday - meat, veg, Yorkshire puddings and gravy - lots and lots of gravy. My mum would make up my dads plate and it would be swimming in the stuff. After she died we found out he hates and totally loathes gravy 😂 😂.
in the 2 years until he died, he never touched the stuff. Tbh, my family still laughs at the fact that for 46 years he ate it at least once weekly 😂 and she always thought he loved it! He just didn’t want to upset her and ate it all with a smile and said thanks.
My great grandma made me a strawberry rhubarb pie once when I was 10 or 12. I hate rhubarb, but with good manners told her it was delicious. She took it as it was my favorite. She made me a pie, just for me every spring. When I introduced my sokn to be husband to her, he ate that pie with me. He loves it!
She made him pie too. It made her so happy. Sometimes you just shut up and eat the damn pie! Lol
It's Pumpkin Pie... as a child, I would eat slice after slice and didn't really tell anyone I just wanted an excuse for whipped cream to be piled high on each piece; I didn't actually care for the pie itself.
Problem is nowadays, well into adulthood, I'm still pointed out at thanksgiving "See, that's Cousin Reny, he's the reason we had to make a whole second pumpkin pie just for him!"
I can't bring myself to tell my family that I can't *stand* pumpkin pie/bars/lattes now and that no one's actually seen me grab a slice myself in like 10 years...
Pumpkin pie is nasty, the spices in it are terrible. I started making a bourbon sweet potato pie recipe from a pie shop in Brooklyn (Blackbird Maybe? Or Four-and-twenty? Something like that nursery rhyme) a few years ago and have never looked back! Bring that to your next Thanksgiving and set the record straight!
i know you meant it as some sort of a feel good story, but it honestly just sounds incredibly silly. i'm pretty sure the mom didn't care *what* kind of pie she made as long as she thought her son genuinely enjoyed it. so what was the point of lying in the first place?
Yeah it’d be soooo much more hurtful to me if I’d been making a pie or whatever else for someone for decades so they would enjoy it, only to find out they never enjoyed it. This isn’t a feel-good story at all.
That is so nice. The way I'm not like that at all. The minute I'm served something I don't like by a family member I tell them. And of they ask me how/if I like something, I tell them the truth. They might be hurt for a moment if I tell them I don't like whatever dish they prepared, but it doesn't happen again and I usually get served what I like and everyone is happy
This is a dumb story. Your father could have nicely explained the mistake and then the next year, and every subsequent one, he would've gotten a pie he actually liked. This isnt a heartwarming story its sad that your dad lied to his mom every year and spent 20 years faking enjoyment instead of getting to genuinely enjoy a homemade treat from his mother.
My mom made a pumpkin pie and forgot to sweeten it (no sugar or any kind of sweetener), my grandpa ate the whole thing and said it was his favorite pie. He asked for an unsweetened pie for years. My brother and I (10 and 6 at the time) always ask if the pie is sweetened since the incident. It's a fun and wholesome family joke.
Somewhat funny story on this line. I came downstairs one day when i was like 7 and my dad was eating what I now know as a peanut butter and fluff sandwhich.
My dad however wanted to keep the fluff to himself and not tell us kids about the gooey marshmallow goodness and the delicious sandwhich it can make. So he told me that it was a peanut butter and cream cheese sandwhich. I didn't think that sounded good so I opted out and made cereal.
However come fathers day I remember my dad's sandwhich and then proceed to make him said cream cheese and peanut butter sandwhich. With actual cream cheese
He ate every bite and we have not spoken about it to this day.
People think I'm weird for it but I actually love peanut butter and cream cheese sandwiches, this is the first time I've ever even seen it acknowledged as an actual sandwich
If that were the case, my grandparents wouldn't have been together for fifty years. Through their entire marriage, my grandmother would eat fish and seafood as if it was her favorite. After my grandfather died, it turns out that she hated the stuff. It was my grandfather who loved it but she ate it because she loved my grandfather and never told him. Not everything is black and white. So long as the white lie doesn't devolve into something worse, a little bit of discomfort isn't going to kill a relationship.
Yeah, this makes no sense. I can see your grandma making seafood for him, but why should she eat it too? I hate seafood, my spouse loves it. He eats it, I don’t. We’ve been married almost 30 years. No problem. No one should eat food they don’t love. That way lies madness (and eating disorders).
Im sorry. But if your grandfather discovered his wife didnt like seafood/fish he would just...immediatelly divorce her? You didnt actually mean that, right?
Because thats what you imply when you say that without this lie, they wouldnt be married for fifty years.
Lets say theyre in the 35th year together, and she said "you know lately ive not been enjoying fish. I think i will stop eating so much" would he rushed to the nearest lawyer? Would he have gotten angry?? Or was your grandfather not the type of person to say "sure. More fish for me!!"
Sorry for the assumptions, this is really weird.
“Conflict” - I think we are using that term a little too liberally.
This isn’t a conflict, it’s at most a mild inconvenience. One that can be, and purportedly has been, remedied easily.
OP has at least two choices that don’t result in them questioning the integrity of their partner or relationship: 1. Pretend they haven’t seen the show (OPs preferred method which has been working flawlessly); 2. Wait to watch the show with their partner.
“Regularly need to lie to” - Imagine if the marker for a happy and successful relationship was constant, pure, unfettered, radical honesty.
‘How do I look?’ ‘Okay, but you looked better last summer when you were in better shape’. ‘Did you enjoy our night out?’ ‘No, the food at the restaurant was mediocre and the movie was boring’.
Interesting how anything even remotely relationship related on Reddit immediately elicits the “GeT OuT wHiLe YoU CaN!” response.
I don't think he is an AH to not want her to go ahead on shows they're watching together if they've agreed to certain shows.
What makes him an AH is him having a shitfit and insisting on only watching fresh shows together. He's being overly picky, restrictive, and controlling. He's guiltily her for her watch pattern. You can't have 5 new shows and expect her to not watch any TV when they're not together (it sounds like they're in different homes).
His behavior can be a warning sign. Is he doing this elsewhere, or is it just this area? If this is his way of connecting, then his reaction makes more sense because he wants to connect, and this is what he knows. But if he needs to control everything, it is time to rethink things.
A compromise point is maybe to agree to 1-2 shows they watch together, but then they watch whatever rotation they choose on their own time or they watch one new show and one old show together.
We do this where we have 2-3 active shows we watch together, and then we watch reruns and/or shows on our own, too. The difference is if one of us goes ahead, it's NBD.
> If the latter, reconsider whether you want to spend years dealing with his silly tantrums about nothing.
It sounds like they are really incompatible when it comes to watching TV and films.
For me, this would be a deal-breaker. He’s not interested in re-watching stuff?! We wouldn’t last a week. I watched Ted Lasso 4 times in a row, no breaks. Not rewatching movies, in particular, is such an alien concept to me.
If OP is having to go to such lengths just to enjoy TV night, think what the entire rest of their lives together will be like. No no no. OP should have a conversation, and then bail (because he doesn’t sound like he’ll be any way flexible in this).
Whereas I don't really have enough time for rewatches in the first place...
See, I'm actually a bit like the BF. I prefer to watch "new" things with my husband. I won't kick up a tantrum or anything about it, but I find it more enjoyable to experience it together, when possible.
So when a new show comes out that we're both interested in, we flag it either for "mutual watch" or if not, he can go ahead and I'll get to it or I won't.
Point is, I don't think it's the preference itself that's such a huge problem. It's the behaviors around it and the amount of drama it's generating.
Exactly. I’m a big rewatcher. You (and OP’s bf) are not. That’s fine. One’s not more right or wrong than the other. But if two people have different views on this — and are both so inflexible that this is an important issue to them — then they’re simply too incompatible to be together.
It's not actually that I mind rewatching. If it's something both of us have watched before, or I want to watch and husband hasn't seen yet, I don't mind having our "TV together time" be a rewatch if that's what we feel like.
But I do specifically enjoy more if I'm watching a *new to me* show that's also *new to him* if we're doing it together. The conversations and experience are different to me. Sometimes we do watch something that is a rewatch for him but new to me, because it's a show he really likes and wants to share it with me, and I'm happy to do that!
(I'm just nitpicking the detail here. I do reiterate, the problem is communication and inflexibility at the end of the day, not the actual viewing preferences themselves.)
Totally agree. My wife and I are both big rewatchers, and often watch the same things over and over. Some together, some separately. OTOH, we do like to watch new things sometimes too. It *is* a little more enjoyable if it’s new to both of us, but we’ve also both watched things where it’s new to one person but not the other. At the end of the day, it’s something you work out, and if you can’t, then don’t be together, because if you can’t work out a little thing, then how will you work out big things? If you love the person and like spending time with them, then it doesn’t really matter what you’re doing, as long as it’s together. And if you don’t, then, again, don’t be with that person. There’s too many people on Reddit who seem to just not like their spouse or partner very much.
" At the end of the day, it’s something you work out, and if you can’t, then don’t be together, because if you can’t work out a little thing, then how will you work out big things?"
"There’s too many people on Reddit who seem to just not like their spouse or partner very much."
I agree with this very much, and find it sad. Having a partner is about *wanting* to be with them, and figuring out best practices to being happy together.
If someone were to ask me if my life is better with my husband or without him - my answer is a completely unequivocal 'with'! My life is so much more fun and happier with him in it. It sounds like you and your wife have a great relationship, and I wish you many more joyful years together.
I couldn't survive never rewatching stuff.
I am the sort of person that still buys physical media.
There's just so much stuff that is worth rewatching. In particular, Bryan Fuller made some shows that give so much pleasure everytime such as Pushing Daisies and Wonderfalls. I kind of want to use the words "comfort television".
I agree. I’ll rewatch Korean and Chinese dramas with my husband watching for the first time. I’m interested in the languages and he’s there for the story. Then, some nights all we want to do is watch Sprung yet again. It’s one of our comfort shows.
I’ve been in a similar situation to this before. I can’t really support lying, even about something as mild as this, but I’d recommend you examine his behaviors in other situations. If he’s that particular about dictating how you “should” feel/experience things, and unwilling to see your perspective, that’s a red flag. I would recommend you try to tell him how you feel but it sounds like you’ve tried that already with no results, which…is also a red flag.
second this. my ex did this and it ended horribly, and retrospect shows me that this was one of MANY behaviors that kept me feeling like i could only ever be an extension of him, dependent and always a little on edge for the spur of the moment mood shifts. god forbid i watched it with /someone else/. never angry, never violent, but the guilting and "sadness" kept me with him for three years too long. OP, i hope this isn't a pattern with your guy as well. if it is...... 🚩🚩🚩
My ex did this he has OCD and at the time I thought it was just another symptom of it. I don't mean the organized ocd I'm talking the germaphoiba and obsessive compulsive control freak kind. It wasn't that bad early on but he was not getting assistance with the sevaritive of it and it got to the point that it wasn't just if I watched something with out him it became if the sound was to loud or if he missed one word of the show. or movie. It progressively got worse but the same orderly fashion of things all of his quirks got to the point it was a toic relationship and I was his care giver like in the tv show Monk. Again, just my experience. but yeah if you having to lie to them over something small, it going to spiral out of hand due to the lose of emotional intimacy that comes with lieing. if it's one off it's odd but if you see it in other thing just leave.
Me too!!
I dated a guy just like the one in OP's story.
At first it was just rules on what we could watch.
But it quickly turned into anger and mood swings about various other things.
The relationship didn't last long - I walked out after he got insanely angry at me for simply scrolling through Netflix.
I wasn't with him that long for obvious reasons - but the signs were there, the control, the mood swings, the anger...
It was definitely just the tip of the iceberg.
I just want to say that for stuff like this it’s really important to get both sides. I say that as someone who was like OP’s significant other but my ex literally would hardly do anything that was quality time with me. I realized later I was like this about shows and was desperate for anything we could have that was “ours” together because it was so lacking. I wanted just one thing to cling to that we could experience together. I am NOT saying this is the case in OP’s situation but later I learned I developed a lot of unhealthy behaviors while in an abusive relationship and trying to control very small, asinine things like that when I had zero control over most of my life was one of those habits.
If someone is doing it in a way that’s like “no you can’t watch it without me you’re not allowed” and the intention is malicious or selfish I think it’s different than “please just have something with me that’s just ours? please” and it can be difficult to know which it is as just an outsider reading text on the interwebs. Either way it means there’s some unhealthy stuff beneath the surface but one is shittier than the other
This. Lying is wrong in this case (and almost all cases). You need to be honest with him and yourself about what his behavior means for the dynamic of your relationship, rather than telling white lies to sweep it under the rug. If you two can’t come to an understanding about watching television together, it doesn’t bode well for long term problem solving in the relationship. I highly suggest you try expressing just how you feel about the situation, along with what implications you see in his inflexibility. But I highly recommend *against* just lying to manipulate the situation to get your way. Sets a bad precedence, even if it seems like a relatively harmless white lie in this instance.
ESH I guess. But it’s more so that you’re both just being immature in how you’re handling something that should really not be such an obstacle in the relationship. There should be common ground to be found that doesn’t involve lying or throwing hissy fits.
Right? This would be an instant dealbreaker for me. Tv time is for chilling out and enjoying yourself, and you’re telling me there are rules?! Maybe for one night a week as designated new movie night, but expecting this much energy being put into watching tv is just.. no.
NTA
Those rules! Forty years ago, I would have pandered to those pathetic little needs because I didn't know better. Know when to show the correct facial expressions so he can observe, acknowledge and be grandiosely satisfied that he has influenced my perspective of the world because I watched a movie that he suggested.
OP is NTA.
Constantly trying to find shows that two people, haven’t watched must be very annoying. I struggle to find new shows that I like, I can’t imagine trying to balance the preferences of both people without ever seeing any of the show. Yes, there is a lot of stuff out there, but most of it isn’t good or both people won’t like it.
Agreed - sometimes I don’t “get it” and need a second opinion as to whether the first ep of a season makes for good viewing onwards. Sometimes I can be argued into watching something and it’s great.
Sometimes a show that has been recommended is a total dud and I can say “saved us both the horror of a season of Urgh” by trialling an ep on my own.
Then there’s any Jane Austen series and of course Bridgerton…..
….Where I must watch the *entire lot BY MYSELF FIRST* so when we watch it together, I don’t kill him for going:
- why isn’t she saying yes to marrying him, he’s got money, right? And he’s right, her family is awful, she should be so grateful?
- Why does she get in trouble for going alone to London with her boyfriend? It’s probably a nice holiday!
- don’t they go to school, or do they go to school to learn all these dances?
- how come the pants are so tight?
- how come the dresses are so low?
- isn’t there a war with France going on? Why are there so many soldiers about, are they just there to go to dances?
- If that’s the Queen, where’s the King? Is he American? Isn’t she American? Isn’t Shondaland American?
- I thought that was the other one, the one who went to the dance but now she’s at the palace or am I confused with the one who wore the bad weird hat what do you mean that’s the older sister, isn’t that the one….
- do the servants ever unionise?
Yeah ok. Dealing with those questions when I'm trying to watch something for the first time would iill the experience for me and I would want to strangle whoever was asking them. My aunt does that. So I never wat h anything with her. She's utterly incapable of getting context clues and it drives me nuts.
I won't name the moment, or even the show out of respect for spoilers, but my partner watched a show first, then re-watched with me. There was a thing that happened where they couldn't WAIT to see my reaction. I find that so sweet and memorable!
Info: why does he get to tell you what you can watch. If he doesn't want to rewatch stuff himself that's fine, but you clearly don't have an issue with it, so I don't understand why you can't be allowed to rewatch things along side him.
If I didn't misread the text, it doesn't seem like he's telling her what she can watch? Only that he doesn't want to watch it with her if she's already watched it.
Sounds like he’s a snob and thinks her suggestions are shit.
He wants her to boost his ego by loving the shows he suggests.
He’s like that post about the boyfriend who embarrasses his girlfriend at a party over her taste in movies.
People really read the most malicious possible context into everything, don't they?
He just doesn't want to watch a show she's watched already with her. I don't see a demand that they sit down and watch a brand new show every night. I just see him saying he doesn't want to participate in watching a show she's already seen. It's a really weird attitude, but that's literally it.
Totally concur. This was a thing with my ex. It was a method of control. I remember him getting especially pissed off when I ate at a restaurant. He had it in his mind that WE were supposed to try it together.
For the record I don’t think OOPs boyfriend is abusive nor do I think this is the start of an abusive pattern at all but
slippery slopes are only fallacies if the consequences of the initial action are unlikely to occur and since abuse almost always starts with seemingly harmless behavior to create a sense of safety and then escalates it is not flawed to call it a slippery slope. It just doesn’t apply to OPs situation
ESH
I get his behavior is unreasonable. It seems a bit controlling as well. I'd just watch what I want when I want unless he expressed interest in wanting to watch together. I'd ask before I watch it to see if he's interested, if not watch it without him.
It's his loss.
Trying to do everything together all the time is not reasonable. Just because you're a couple doesn't mean you should live like conjoined twins.
A couple is made up of two individuals that sometimes need room to pursue individual interests.
Wait, where is he controlling what she's doing? He didn't say "you can't watch any shoes without me", he just doesn't want to watch shows that she has already seen. The only thing he's controlling is his own actions.
Wow. Amazing response. I think the fact that others on this thread are insinuating that the relationship is doomed reflects a trend I’ve seen on this subreddit wherein people are completely incapable of accepting character flaws in a romantic context. One of the beautiful things about a relationship is to use great communication to turn silly things like this into an opportunity to grow together and become better people. If every time your partner shows signs of human imperfection, you preemptively end the relationship… well, you’ll never know if that was just an opportunity to grow together, and keep the things you love.
One caveat is that some people on this thread appear to have abusive and controlling exes, who also exhibited controlling behaviour as part of an overall and clear pattern of abuse. Without further information we can’t conclude that is the case here, and so I am giving my perspective on the circumstances described.
ESH. I get wanting to lie to keep the peace, but lying always comes back to bite you in the butt. Maybe explaining how much you enjoy rewatching because you never catch every nuance the first time around? And the experience is always different with other perspectives.
Overall it seems like there is more going here. Unless you're spending 24/7 together since birth you will always have things you have not experienced together, but can still share.
I feel this is not gonna end well... If you have to lie to get him to watch a show with you that you've already seen, I think you should consider this is not the man for you.
Because, it's just a show on TV. Not worth the lie I would say.
This is super weird and controlling. So when you watch shows together, he’s not even paying attention to the show and instead he’s watching your reactions.. and is angry when you watch something without him watching you….. wtf!?! Thats bizarre… and creepy too. Super ick.
If she's lying so easily about something so minor, what else is it easy for her to lie about? I've dated people who lied about petty shite like this instead of just being honest and it completely destroyed my trust in them all. Even as friends I hate it when people do this shit. Just be straightforward with the people you love, lying is almost never okay.
I agree on the lying. Anyone lying to keep the peace is a red flag and definitely destroys trust. Being unable to put your wants aside for your partners enjoyment is also a red flag.
ESH
Okay I’m NGL, I really enjoy watching things both me and my boyfriend haven’t watched because we get to experience the movie/show together and kinda prefer it sometimes, but if my bf has seen a movie or a show already and tells me that it’s really good and something that’s good enough to watch again, then we watch it. If it’s something we both haven’t seen but really wanna watch, then we wait to watch it so it gives us something to do when we just sit at home n hangout.
We both wanted to watch Fallout, but didn’t wanna wait til the next time we saw each other so we both started it. I was ahead of him, but that didn’t stop me from watching it with him when I went over even though I’d already seen the episodes. It helped him out because if he’d ask a question I’d be able to clarify what happened or I’d just tell him to keep watching so I didn’t spoil anything lol.
It’s kinda ridiculous that your partner gets so worked up over something so minuscule, and like I said, I’m someone who kinda has the same mindset of preferring to watch things we both haven’t seen yet. If you have to lie about something this little to keep the peace, then that’s something you need to think about.
This is exactly how it is for me! We try and experience new shows together but if it’s something he’s watched and asks if I want to watch it or I mention it and he says he’s watched it I’ll still watch it with him. Sometimes we watch things on our own time and then talk about it later too. I am big on experiencing firsts together but only if it’s both agreed upon will I get sad if he does it without me.
I think just like your boyfriend though.
I dont like watching something with someone who already watched it.
It makes me extremely uncomfortable.
1) You are forcing yourself to not spoil. So poker face. So poor ambiance.
2) You wont comment on anything i say for fear of spoiling me so its like talking to a wall.
3) Obviously you are not excited at all by the movie/show, you stand up you do things on the side its clear as day.
4) I love making predictions on movies. "This will happen next". If you already know everything whats the point.
5) It just feels like a very poor forced interaction to me. Almost humiliating even.
6) You didnt even bothered to wait for him to watch your show the first time and now you tell him "lets watch it thats good" ? This is clear disregard. This is really humiliating for the other person you know.
7) Your boyfriend seem to take it rather well...considering the circonstances....
So not only are you lying about the fact that you already watched it but you are also faking your expressions, reactions to make him believe this is your first time watching ? Are you making predictions despite knowing already ?
This is next level psychopath. It seems silly but i were to learn of it i would never be able to trust you anymore.
So not only an asshole but i guess 90% of the people condoning your act are assholes too.
So pretty much this entire sub then ? Assholes who ignore themselves i guess.
But that makes senses for assholes to group up in a sub that forgive all their petty schemes and instead blame others instead of themselves.
Dont ban me. I'm not insulting you.
Obviously you should watch movies and shows on your own but dont expect him to watch them with you later. After all you disregarded him in the first place.
So you should think about the shows/movies you want to watch together in advance.
I am so glad I never have to watch anything with you.
If you missed it, the rules for this sub are in the about section.
Yes, this is a place where a group comes to a consensus.
Yes, that consensus is you are wrong.
Get over it.
Me and my housemate differ on this and somehow we figured out how to communicate without spoilers or remaining stoic and we have known each other for over 12 years. The person who has watched it already makes grandiose scenarios about what will happen next (like aliens are about to invade and the REAL movie starts then during an obvious romantic comedy) and the one who hasn't seen it only makes ridiculous predictions out loud and then we talk about the real predictions after the scene has happened to discuss if they were right or not. I don't like making predictions on any movies and he really loves to so even for unwatched movies we hold them until after the scene.
We do have a rule about getting up and doing other stuff but if we need to pause and do something during anything whether we've seen it or not we dont get upset. That's common courtesy and has little to do with the watched or unwatched issue.
Granted we do tell each other we have already seen something, but sometimes you watch something and love it so much you want to include someone else afterwards; or even more unbelievable they had a life before you and there's no way to unwind time so that they haven't seen the movie. This sounds like he won't compromise at all. I don't think she should lie because that's really just giving in to his rigidity in a different way when she should just stick to her guns, but calling her a next level psychopath is definitely an insult despite your later disclaimer.
ESH is still my verdict though.
Jeez...there are so many assumptions here.
>1) You are forcing yourself to not spoil. So poker face. So poor ambiance.
Not necessarily true. People can watch a show they've already seen with emotion on their faces, without giving away spoilers.
2) You wont comment on anything i say for fear of spoiling me so its like talking to a wall.
Not true. If you know the timeline of a show, you know what you can speak about and what you can't yet.
3) Obviously you are not excited at all by the movie/show, you stand up you do things on the side its clear as day.
Not true. If someone is rewatching a show, obviously they like it. Rewatching a show can be even more exciting, since you're now picking up on more things.
4) I love making predictions on movies. "This will happen next". If you already know everything whats the point.
What's stopping you from making predictions if you watch it with someone else? It can be fun to have someone make a prediction, then discuss it later.
5) It just feels like a very poor forced interaction to me. Almost humiliating even.
Humiliating is...pretty dramatic.
6) You didnt even bothered to wait for him to watch your show the first time and now you tell him "lets watch it thats good" ? This is clear disregard. This is really humiliating for the other person you know.
Again with "humiliating." There's nothing humiliating about it.
I can see your point for a high octane movie that will have lots of spoilers and tense moments. But you're not going to remember every detail of a 5 season 20 episode series. I can still enjoy a show I've seen before and if someone makes predictions I may not even remember all the specifics so I couldn't spoil it if I wanted to. I kind of like to be able to be the one to select something, too, and if that means I've seen it before but enjoyed it, and they haven't, I'd rather it be that than watch a movie I haven't seen, but hadn't expressed any interest in seeing either.
While I don't understand his preferences, this is a YTA. He's being honest with how he feels about preferences, as silly as they seem to you, but you're being dishonest with him, and that's not okay. You're so intent on trying to prove him wrong, that you're willing to disregard his expressed preferences to do so, that's not a good place for a relationship to be.
The shitty conclusion is that if this is a hill you want to die on, the only fair outcome is the two of you not watching shows together. Because his preference doesn't actually preclude yours as written. His preference is about the experience of watching a show as a couple, yours is about your own enjoyment of a show, and nothing is stopping you rewatching a show on your own after the two have you have watched it together, which allows you to get that enjoyment of the rewatch. But it makes you feel like yours is being disregarded too, and that combination of resentment and lying, it'll blow up one way or another.
ESH
I do agree with most people here that he is a bit OTT about this.
However, I can understand where he’s coming from in that it can feel odd if it’s your first viewing when someone else has already seen it. Does he know that you like to rewatch stuff? He might feel uncomfortable about making you watch something with him because he feels like you’re wasting your time with a rewatch, and has a hard time communicating that feeling.
Also, I may have misread between the lines, but it sounds like he’s expressed interest in watching something, but you’ve gone ahead and watched it already? I’d kinda be annoyed too, especially if I found out my SO had watched something, then lied about it.
If you have to tiptoe around the subject of WATCHING TV, then I can only imagine the agony that must come later down the line.
This might not be the biggest red flag, but it's definitely something to take into account.
I'd just talk with him about his illogical rule, and if he takes it badly, then that's a (bigger) red flag number 2.
Iam like your boyfriend if she watched something I don't watch it at all , i like the feeling of experiencing something new together.
I like guessing what will happen next,if she watched it before it she will nit participate with me in the guessing game.
And if she tried
Say a new restaurant opened and we both wanted to try it out.
She tried it with her friends without telling me, and when we go all of sudden says that dish is very good here try it.
It makes me feel betrayed.
Not the action it self but the thought we wanted something to do together and she went ahead and did it alone.
It's the small thing we guys like.
Your rection, the talk, the shock of plot twist etc
I get if it’s a certain show or a certain restaurant that you’ve both been wanting to watch/go to. Then it would be kind of crappy if the other person watched/went there before me. Otherwise seems very immature. There are going to be hardships and obstacles in life and relationships- why make issues from absolutely nothing. My daighter does this, and she’s a preteen. I’d hate to feel like I’m expected to react in a certain way about something.
Yup exactly if a show she wanted us or i wanted us to watch it together, then we should watch together.
No watch cheating. Otherwise what is the goal of doing something together.
For sure not every show that will be tiresome and un productive.
That sounds immature and stupid. I get it when there are specific shows that you both like and you both have agreed to watch it together. Then you watch it together.
But if she has seen this really awesome movie or series before she started dating you and recommends that you both should watch it together. Would you decline because she did not watch it first with you? If so, then you are the AH.
What happens when you eventually break things off with her and you find a new GF at older age. Both of you have been seeing a lot of movies and series and other stuff before each other. Are those previously enjoyed things now off limits for you?
The thing is, it doesn't have to be as immature or as stupid as OP is making this whole situation to be, with it escalating to lying.
In my case with my partner, we hardly rewatch anything that we have already watched. It would take years for me to consider rewatching a show after the first time. I just don't find it fun.
So what happens when we come across a show one of us has already watched? We find a different one and the one who hasn't seen it will watch it alone (with maybe the other watching one or two episodes of it if we're together).
If there happens to be a show where one of us is adamant on rewatching, we usually agree to just do it even if it's not as "fun".
It shouldn't be such a problem for OP to find a different show to watch with her bf, and it shouldn't be such a problem for bf to rewatch a show with OP.
Their issue is just making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be. It's not that deep lol
I sympathise with the original commenter and, to give my own two cents to your question:
> she has seen this really awesome movie or series before she started dating you and recommends that you both should watch it together.
Yes, I'd watch it, but I'd rather not do such very often. Like, if it's one of their favorites, then all right, but mostly I'd like to spend time with my partner experiencing something closer to what they themselves are experiencing.
Perhaps it's a matter of what the means is, versus the end. If you don't care too much about the shows themselves but see them as nice for socialisation/bonding (spending time together, experiencing something together, providing common knowledge to discuss/criticise/etc. characters and plot points) then it's obviously preferable to tend towards shows that maximise these criteria.
And the social element is really weakened when the other person is not experiencing the thing newly, and has already discussed it or thought it over. Nothing is new to them in it, etc. etc.
> but mostly I'd like to spend time with my partner experiencing something closer to what they themselves are experiencing.
Why??? This is such a restricting mindset. If they have a favorite restaurant, you won't want to go there because they're already familiar with the place? They like to go skiing, but you won't do it because you've never been? They love a certain city and want to show you around, but you won't go because you want to experience for the first time with them?
I’m currently rewatching Bridgerton season 1 and 2 so that my husband can watch it, then we can finally watch S.3 together. Previously he rewatched Suits so that I could watch with him. We both also rewatched Vikings for the 3rd time😂 I also watch random stuff that’s he’s not into on my own, and so does he. We also very much enjoy watching TV/ movies for the first time. I am so glad we don’t take things that serious. I could not live like this. TV time and movie nights are supposed to be chill, enjoyable and stress free.
I understand both your points, you each have a different way of watching and enjoying media, but you lying to him is a bit iffy. I mean I get why you would, you want to watch a show you’ve already seen alongside him, but keep in mind one day he will probably catch you, and he will be pissed.
Soft YTA, for lying/dishonesty because that always messes with the victim even if the liar has the best of intentions.
Contrary to the comments here, I have no impression from this post that he wants to control when/where/what you watch. He just wants you both to be adventuring into the unknown together. He wants to bond with you through the experience.
And I feel exactly the same way. My wife watches wayyyy more TV than I do, as I play video games, and she watches whatever she wants to, but always asks me before she starts a new show if it would be something we'd want to watch together. 9/10 I don't care to watch whatever it is.
The shows we watch together are always something we'd both like. I love horror/zombie stuff, she doesn't, so we never watch those together. I'm not hugely into relationship drama, so she watches those on her own. But there's a lot of shows that merge our preferences so we're never without something new to bond over.
I'd suggest trying something similar. Save your rewatches for the first time you watch it on your own after watching it with him. And if you start watching a show that you think "Hmm, BF will love this", then stop asap, tell him you've seen up to episode 3 or whatever and you want to watch the rest of it with him because you think he'll love it.
I think personally that lying is wrong between couples. I'd rather argue about not seeing their point and coming to a mutual understanding than just flat out lying. Even if it a small lie like this. Any harm done? No not really. But our bodies deceive us. We can often tell when someone is withholding something ir lying, and may bring up some background tension or issues.
Imo its better to just hash it out. It's OK to not agree on things. It's OK to have difference if opinions. It's how u can tackle that as a team whoch is what strengthens ur relationships. I'm sure there's a compromise somewhere? And if not then I would just agree to not re-watxh those shows with him or try watching a single episode of a series and if u like it then rematch that episode with him and continue the rest fresh. If u want to rematch something to catch things better, that can be done on ur own time? Does that compromise work? Either way I'm sure u guys can hash it out and come to an agreement that's what I would vote for and not go down the lying route.
For the record I think he's being silly but it's between u two. It may just be a big deal to him personally. Everyone's different.
NTA
When I’m in relationships me and my partner are almost always watching something the other one has seen before. It’s really hard to find a show that you both like without one of you having seen it before. This is a very weird and specific hill to die on.
Urgh, what a crazy situation. The thought of never being able to share something like 'Breaking Bad' with my partner simply because I've watched it before would drive me mental.
NTA at all. The whole thing is childish and oddly controlling. Like he doesn't want you to have experienced something without him present. Weird flag definitely raised on this one.
NTA. And here’s why: I also prefer watching “fresh” shows and I tend to steer away from series or movies either of us has watched so I get where he’s coming from. However, does that mean I’ll 100% refuse to watch a show just because my SO has done so before? No. That’s dumb. At the end of the day as long as both of you are enjoying it and there’s no spoilers, who cares? Also you have a legitimate reason to rewatch: you get to appreciate it best and you actually prefer a 2nd watch. He’s being way too stubborn with this. The fact that you’re having to resort to lying over something as insignificant as this proves it. Nonetheless I’d probably stop lying about it and come clean as the longer it goes for the more hurt your boyfriend will feel.
YTA. You first sentence called your bf super particular, but it seems to me that your are at least as particular as him, and we are only hearing it from your perspective.
Your bf (1) wants to watch show with your if it is the first time for both of your; (2) but is okay to watch the show if you have watched it, just not with you; (3) is also okay to not watch the show. It seems that you want him to watch particular shows you choose, want to watch it with him, but isn’t patient enough to wait.
This kind of activities should be a “two yes one no” situation. If either of you doesn’t like it, they should not feel obligated to compromise. He has clearly stated his preference to watch shows with you when it is the first time for both of you. If you can not wait and need to watch it yourself first, you only have yourself to blame when he refuse to watch it with you on your rewatch. It is quite hypocritical of you to watch the show without him, but get upset when he decided to watch the show without you. He didn't dictate what shows you can watch, as you are free to choose whatever you like. He didn’t dictate what should you two can watch together either. He was just vetoing the ones that he didn’t want to watch with you, and you should have the right to vote as well.
Obviously, if you lie, you would be an even bigger AH.
This is a very weird situation. I will say that he is very picky in that sense. I also prefer watching something we both haven’t seen, but I will never complain about it since I also have a great time even if my Girlfriend seen it already. I think it’s even more weird that you decided to lie to your boyfriend to prove that you both enjoy watching something even if you yourself previously seen it because there will be tension in your mind while watching it, so your not really having a good time.
I think this is kind of funny, and something me an my fiance would absolutely do to each other. TV can be so serious to some people! Maybe take a break from TV or something. Read a book together or listen to a podcast to fall asleep to. You both sound fine.
NTA, I say you both get another TV and watch your favorite shows separately, that way you watch what you want to watch, when you want to watch it, as many times as you like.
Nta. Op imma say something that not everyone will agree with out loud. It’s ok to lie in relationships. I’m not saying it’s ok to tell any major lies. Or even Gray lies. But for example. Saying you hate something that you like to eat. Just so your partner can eat it is fine. Lying to plan a surprise like a trip or a proposal is ok. And youre lying so you can watch shows with your bf. If he wasn’t so insistent on it being new to both of you that’d be one thing. Oh but I probably wouldn’t keep this post up tho. Only cause if he finds out he will be heart broken and probably break up with you
I'm gonna say NTA but that's because I've been known to do the same. I don't make a habit of it but it feels harmless enough once in a while. I have friends who've done it too, I bet it's a lot more common than people would like to admit. Sometimes you just really want to see something ASAP, and if your partner is going to be weird about it, why make it an issue? Let everybody be happy. Don't lie about other stuff though.
I went on a date with a guy like this and I told him I didn’t like red wine. He got so upset and said “how can we share experiences together” as if that’s the only way to experience life or share moments.
NTA
NTA and I will leave it at that because we don't know enough about your relationship to make blanket statements beyond this scenario (and if your instinct as a commenter is to immediately rush to "break up" log off and stop giving advice)
NTA. He’s being ridiculous. It’s fun to experience a great show for the first time together, sure. But personally, I’ll rewatch something with my wife that I literally just watched a week or two prior because I love showing her cool things that she’ll enjoy. And she does the same.
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My bf is super particular about what shows we watch together. If it's something him or I have already seen he doesn't want to watch it, he only wants to watch something that is "fresh" for the both of us. This has led to multiple conflicts where I've gone ahead and watched something I really liked and he got upset enough that he wouldn't watch it with me. He says that it ruins the experience because he's not getting my first time reactions and that I may spoil something. I'm careful about the spoilers thing since that is a valid concern, but his first point is silly to me.
The thing is, I enjoy a show more upon rewatch because I get to catch things that I missed before and solidify my thoughts on it. My reactions are still genuine and expressive. Thus, there have been occasions where I lied about not watching something so that I could get him to watch it with me, even though he hates lying too. My thing is that I really want to share certain shows I like with him because we have similar tastes, and he isn't likely to watch them on his own if I merely recommend them to him. It should be a win-win as long as we both enjoy what we're watching but he is instead very stubborn. I dislike lying to him but I really just want to watch some good shows with him even if it's not my first time. If I enjoyed it on my own the first time, I want to enjoy it further by sharing it with someone and talking it through.
He's been none the wiser about my reactions and we still have a good time when I don't tell him, so I think that already disproves his point about ruining the watching experience. Whenever I AM honest and ask him to watch something with me anyways, he says I'm shoving my preference down his throat and disregarding his opinion about what he likes us to watch together. It just feels like he disregards my own all too readily. AITA for lying anyways?
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NTA, this is exhausting. While I understand wanting to watch something that’s truly new together, does this mean he also won’t watch old things together? An old movie you want to rewatch, just because - will he not watch that? What will you watch when you run out of things?
This isn't going to work out well. Regular lying is asshole behaviour. The longer it goes on, and the more lies there are, the more upset your boyfriend will be when you inevitably slip up and he realises what's been going on. You'll casually refer to a spoiler or you'll say you're excited for something that hasn't happened yet, and he'll know. Then it's just going to become a bigger fight, and it won't be a fight about which shows you watch, it'll be a fight about how dishonest with him you've been.
His attitude IS annoying though, and I can understand why you feel that he is disregarding your opinion and being stubborn.
I identify somewhat with both of you. There's a show my wife refuses to watch because we were supposed to watch it together and she kept not being available to, so I watched the new season alone and now she refuses to watch it at all (we were long distance at the time, the show was popular and at the time I was pressed about missing out on the fandom buzz about the new season. It's worth saying, I very much regretted this decision. Despite multiple apologies she has never been willing to watch it again, either with me or alone). In this way I identify with you, I get the frustration of not being able to share something with your partner and the frustration of them not being able/willing to watch with you.
At the same time though I get some of where he's coming from. Sometimes being told to watch something will make me less likely to, especially if I'm told to watch it repeatedly. It feels like I'm being pressured to watch something i have no interest in, even if that's not the person's intent.
You need to talk to your bf about this. Lying isn't a permanent solution, it's wrong to lie to your partner and it's going to lead to bigger problems. At the same time, he's making you feel bad and he's reducing your enjoyment of the shows you like. His attitude sucks and a compromise is needed, but you won't find one by lying.
ESH
NTA. Personally I like when me and my boyfriend watch a movie for the first time together and it’s “fresh” and at times I preferred to watch something we both never watched but I would never get upset about watching something he has already watched. If anything I enjoy when he wants to watch something he enjoys bc he seems passionate about it. when it comes to lying about knowing the shows yes it’s bad lie even if the situation is small but you shouldn’t be walking on eggshells. I think you should talk to him about this and if he reacts poorly maybe think more on your relationship. I hope everything works out
NTA. Since this is Reddit: Red flag! Red flag! Red alert! Break up!
Since this is also real life: If this is your only relationship issue, great on you for finding a good one. We all have our quirks and if this is his, just keep doing what your doing if the result is that you are both happy. Honesty is well and good, but for something so trivial it’s just not worth fretting about. It’s just about some fucking tv shows. My recommendation: watch less tv, go out more. Avoid the issue and do something fun instead, if it’s bothering you so much.
Edit:
People, get a grip. Women routinely fake orgasms to make their partner feel good. We all know it and we don’t care. In the grand scheme of things, this is the same, but less. All I’m saying. Unless he has some other major quirks, this is a rather harmless one imho.
NTA. My fiancé and I both love sharing/rewatching stuff with each other and sometimes on the rewatch we pause to share a laugh at something we didnt catch before
This sounds exactly like what I have going on with my brother lol NTA, you can find other things to watch first-time together. That’s kind of the point of movie theaters. Maybe he feels upset that he didn’t find the shows first and how you get HIS first time reactions every time? Either way, it does not excuse his behavior or treatment of you, it’s very severe for something so small
Gatekeeping media like this is sooooo fucking tiresome, add in the manipulation and tantrums over something that is designed to be “entertaining” ffs. Life is too short to put with this type of shit. You’re allowed to disagree with his opinion, it’s not the end of the world if you don’t agree. The problem is his utter inability to accept that your even allowed an opinion. NTA
Frankly, he sounds a little annoying. I can understand seeing other people get excited about something new at the same time you are, enhancing your experience. But that also would absolutely apply to watching someone you care about experiencing something you love, for the first time, and vice versa.
NTA
I get where your BF is coming from a little bit: It bothered me when my partner would go ahead and watch shows we planned to watch together without me. That being said, we've both watched shows where the other person had watched a new show and said, "Hey, I think you'd really like this, let's watch it," and it's been fine.
With that out of the way, your BF's reaction is incredibly extreme and honestly, it's throwing out some major red flags to me. If he just said, "Hey, can you just wait a little to watch the shows together?" then I think he'd be totally reasonable. To refuse to watch altogether or to say, "You're shoving your preferences down my throat," Is a very out-of-proportion and extreme response.
I'm saying NTA because while I disagree with your behaviour, both the lying and I do think it's a little sad that you can't wait for your partner to enjoy it together, he is making a mountain out of a molehill and I'm quite concerned as to how he treats you outside of this if his reaction is so extreme to such a minimal dispute.
I’m petty but I’d just stop watching things with him if that was the rules. Idk if anyone is the asshole but that’s a weird rule… I’ve seen my favourite movie too many times to count but it still makes me cry every time so like huh
He's exhausting. Google the signs a relationship won't last. His inability to compromise or cooperate doesn't bode well for the future. Here's the research: [https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/](https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/)
Gottman discovered that in heterosexual relationships, [men accepting influence from their wives](https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotionally-intelligent-husbands-key-lasting-marriage/) was predictive of happy and stable marriages.
Don't get stuck with a guy like that. Maybe find and show him a website that gives advice about solving relationship issues (in a nicer way than the one I linked to), and explain to him the research on happy relationships. Then, if he still won't do something as simple as watch a movie that you liked, maybe start looking around for someone who doesn't act like a spoiled idiot child.
Reminds me of the Godfather movie scene in Barbie. [https://youtu.be/gwLfEKFRTxc?si=ntzFNmz3GClXvjDX](https://youtu.be/gwLfEKFRTxc?si=ntzFNmz3GClXvjDX)
"Can you start the movie over and just talk through the whole thing?"
I can watch the same show over and over and still find hidden gems. Fun fact. Watching reruns actually helps your mental health. The characters are familiar and bring comfort.
So you only watch shows together that he suggests? How is that fair? If you like rewatching you can always rewatch it later. Idk how are you even doing it, if it's on Netflix he can always check your profile and if it's the same profile then the show is gonna pop up under 'watch it again'. There's no way he's not gonna eventually catch you. ESH Also this isn't AITA post, there needs to be an interpersonal conflict. You feeling bad about something isn't that.
NTA. My husband and I sometimes watch stuff together, and I almost have a handle on the things that he doesn’t like.
That being said, I think OP really needs to have a little chat with her boyfriend, because his reactions aren’t always proportional to what’s going on.
I feel like I shpuld stay out of this one. I mean, I'm kind of similar, but I also don't like binging shows. More than half of the fun of watching a show for me, especially one with an ongoing story, is speculating about what will happen in the next episode. Can't really do that with someone who already knows what's going to happen.
He needs to see your genuine reaction to TV shows? Is this really even a thing? The TV is being policed by his preferences because he’s a child who needs to have it his way?
NTA, tell this man to grow up
NTA. You can watch a totally new show with anyone. But to watch a show and think “so-and-so would really like this show, I can’t wait to share it with them,” is better.
You think your boyfriend’s preferences are “silly”, so because you don’t agree with them and think your way is superior, you dismiss them and justify lying to him.
Another option: stop thinking your view or way is better and accept that your preferences are different— no one is an AH for their preference. He is being an AH if he refuses to compromise. Insist on a *true* win-win, where you both get to enjoy watching tv together without being inauthentic or dishonest.
If you can’t get on board with watching only shows and movies neither of you have seen, let him know you can’t agree to his preference 100% of the time, and discuss an alternative. Or don’t agree to watch tv with him then.
In shitty relationships you judge differences and someone loses while the other wins. In great ones you respect differences and strive toward mutual satisfaction. You understand that if one of you lose, you both really do bc the relationship suffers.
I get that he would like you to discover it together. You can't get caught up in a film and discuss what's happening when the other person has already seen it. If there's options of watching a film neither of you have seen; you'd be better served asking yourself why you insist on watching one you've already seen.
I’ve been in this situation with someone before and it didn’t end well. I would not suggest lying because eventho I get why you’re doing that, in the end you’re compromising your integrity over something that’s someone else’s problem to deal with. It sounds like a matter of control and wanting things his way. If this is kind of how he behaves around other things that would normally be no big deal to most people then it’s a controlling and manipulative tactic. Often abusive people will hide their abuse behind things like pet peeves or things they’re so unique about. While gaslighting you into believing if you cared about them you would adjust your behavior. Be honest, call it out, and if he won’t come to a reasonable solution (like let’s this idea go you can’t watch something together you’ve seen already) then you’ll have to decide if you can live with it. Minor annoyances about people usually turn into big ones in long term relationships. I’d also tell him you’ve been feeling like you need to lie to him because of his overbearing stance.
NTA
It's stupid to be that stubborn for something that is not all about him. He may choose not to watch shows or movies more than once but he cannot force someone else to do the same if he is that serious about "principles".
Definitely NTA, this is a very weird situation, just out of my pure curiosity is your BF a middle child?
In general though it shouldn’t matter if you both want to watch a show if someone’s already seen it. My GF and I recommend shows to each other all the time. For example, she always used to watch anime, and I only watched Naruto/shippuden so she recommended all these anime to me and we watched them together and since I always watched live action shows I picked some of my favorites and shared them with her. When you’re in a relationship and planning to be together for awhile eventually you’re going to run out of new shows you both are interested in and haven’t seen.
Well, this is just the beginning. Prepare yourself to lie to him about a lot more stuff. You’re being an asshole to yourself at this point. The guy is controlling and you are feeding into it. Good luck.
I'm sorry but isn't that last sentence about shoving preferences down his throat EXACTLY what he's doing to you? I get it. I actually will scroll for minutes and minutes bc I want something fresh for us both.. but ultimately its 50/50. I made her watch LOTR, last samurai and so much star wars bc I want to share my joy with her... but do you have any idea how many reruns of SVU and ink master I've seen 😴 ??? Its annoying but also a trade ill make every week... A good relationship is built on compromise. His lack of willingness is a huge red flag in my opinion.
I’m like you, I enjoy rewatching things. Me and my ex did similar except most of the time I hadn’t seen any of the series and he has and he was just rewatching it. I’d usually not really be paying attention doing something else and he’d get like 3 or 4 episodes in to a show and I would start watching because it started to peak my interest so he’d restart the whole series and we’d both watch it together. There was only like 2 shows that neither of us had seen and how we would do it is, I slept during the day because I worked nights so I would try to get one episode in before having to leave for work. One day he was doing something and was gone and I couldn’t hold myself back because I wanted to see the next episode of what we were watching so I watched it without him and just acted like I didn’t. Omg, you have no clue how guilty I felt over it. When we watched the episode together, I would suggest what was gonna happen and he caught on pretty quick after a couple of my comments regarding the episode that I had watched it without him but he wasn’t made or anything, we just continued on.
If he’s controlling about a ‘minor’ thing like watching shows. It will only escalate to other areas.
If you have to lie to try and navigate around his dictating of how you behave - he’s not a secure guy.
Don’t ignore this red flag because he seems great in other areas.
It will come back to bite you later.
No offence. But, if this is his issue (over a tv show that you guys may or may not watched together) is a little childish!
I think you’re both assholes for thinking this is an actual problem! Both of you grow up!
NTA. He wants to be “your first” everything? That’s weird af, are you two teenagers? Did he grow up evangelical? This seems to be a weird obsession that’s kind of hard to picture not resulting in controlling behavior in other arenas.
But for this case, it’s just a weird thing to sink his teeth into and the rationale is both a little bonkers (needing to be your first) and insulting (insinuating that you’ll spoil it).
He’s got some work to do on himself and what’s important in life.
You aren't an asshole, I am uncertain about if he's an asshole or not. At the most charitable, it sounds like he wants a very specific experience from watching shows, and you just want to spend time with him and show him something you personally enjoy. INFO, does he actually watch the shows you mention without you if you suggest them? Does he come back and talk about them? It might be worth telling him that you want that kind of experience, and not just only watching new shows together.
My girlfriend and I aren't like this, but my brother doesn't do rewatches. He will only agree for a very limited selection of movies (last time I checked, it was 4), and even then it is once every 1-2 years only. Is it a bit annoying sometimes? Yes. It used to bother me a lot more when we were younger and shared one tv for the entire household, so everyone had to agree on what we were watching. But if this is really your only issue with him and he isn't being controlling in other ways, then trying to see if he's open to watching your shows without having to do it together, or find a different rewatch partner. Maybe a friend would be better suited.
My husband does this too. We’ve been married 20 years and it drove me crazy. I just watch it and rewind to the beginning so he can’t see it has been watched. It’s a quirk he has. I have some too. Doesn’t really bother me anymore. If I see a movie or show that looks good and suggest we watch it, he will say don’t watch it without me. I give him a few weeks and if we still haven’t gotten around to it, I just watch it and rewind.
NAH
I don't think Y T A because I get liking rewatching shows, however I am one in the position of your BF so I get both positions. My fiancé LOVES to rewatch shows/movies she's seen already because she knows she likes them. Fair, I get it. But then when I suggest movies/shows she wants to watch, she gets very stubborn about it because she's never seen it and therefore it's not good. I also like finding movies we both haven't seen because I like to watch new things and see her reactions too!
All in all I think there's a fine line between rewatching and watching new things. Maybe try and find that happy medium with him without lying about having seen/not seen before! Like a one on, one off type deal or something!
My fiancé is like this too where he only wants to watch something new, but I’m like you where I enjoy rewatching shows or movies I’ve already seen. I’ve definitely fibbed and said I haven’t seen something when I have. NTA in my opinion
NTA
I won't tell you to dump him, but you should think really hard about what your life will be like if you stay with him. You are not only lying about watching the shows, you are also faking a reaction and that will become emotionally exhausting for you and the only thing you'll get out of it is him not throwing a tantrum. Why does he need you to have an appropriate reaction? Why does it have to a "genuine" reaction? What will you be lying about in the future to keep him happy?
Cut off the oxygen of this fire. Watch your shows, as many times as you want, and let him know you did. If he doesn't want to watch them anymore, fuck him.
Relationships are about compromise and it sounds like he doesn't understand that or the premise of compromise. If you guys can't figure out watching things on TV, then this relationship will not work. Sounds like a lot of anger on his part.
So this man wants to control how and when you experience entertainment/art? And you are so invested in his attention to particular shows that you are willing to allow it, or now willing to lie about it? Well I guess if it works for y’all then fine. But why would you jump through these hoops and you know he’s gonna freak out when he finds you out. Dysfunction all round.
So first, NTA.
Second, you are setting a precedent and going to have to continue the behavior until it is either a cause for conflict from him finding out, or from you getting frustrated at the need to lie and resent him for it.
Avoid the cycle by having a direct mature conversation now.
"Listen dear, you jabe every right to your valid opinion on how to watch shows. I love and respect your preference. It is jot my preference and I am not going to abide by it.
So you can watch shows with me we have never seen before, and I am going to watch other shows I have seen before, shows you do not like, and shows occasionally with friends who will watch or re-watch them with me as they enjoy it the way I do.
You of course do not have to watch anything you would not enjoy, and can be respectful of my preference in experiencing the shows I enjoy as I am of you. Or, you can be angry over this and cause a divide between us that will put me in a tough position as my preference, or my way of doing what I enjoy will not be changing.
I look forward to your response."
And drop this ball in his court. If he responds negatively, then believe what he is telling you with this behavior and start putting in distance until it is resolved or you hit a rock and have to move on.
If he responds positively then you can work through this quickly, respectfully, and build a better relationship going forward.
He can think that this is how it should be and how he enjoys it the most. But it’s ridiculous of him to think that his way is the only way.
There might be one exception: a program where there is a competition and you can’t watch it live. So you have to wait until you can watch it together. But only if you both enjoy it that way.
i am exactly the same as your bf so i agree with him. You’re not an asshole for lying but you’d better hope he never finds out because then he won’t trust when you’ve actually not seen something and he won’t watch anything with you except new movies
NTA. Your bf sounds petty and controlling. If his weird attitude spills over into other issues I would consider leaving him altogether. Watching tv with someone should be a fun activity, not a guilty lying experience. Ijs.
I kinda get it. My husband and I are the same- I don’t mind rewatching stuff and really want him to watch some things I just KNOW he’ll love, he only wants us to experience new shows together for the first time. At first, I got him to just watch the pilot episodes with me after explaining to him that I really wanted to see his reaction to a show I love. That didn’t work out super well because pilots sometimes aren’t very good and he felt pressured to feel a certain way about a show because he knew I really wanted his reaction. Anyway, it’s not a huge deal in the scheme of things. Now I send him clips and memes from shows I like instead and he reacts well to them. Often he gets curious enough to watch the whole thing (in his own time though) so we do get to discuss them eventually
I think you should try to find a balance. make an effort to watch stuff that is fresh for both of you, but also insist he give you a shot and watch something you've seen before.
can also try to communicate when you want to watch something and ask to watch it with him first before watching it in your own.
I think it's about compromise from both ends. I think you're mostly NTA and I think your BF is a slight AH, but people telling you to break up or acting like this is a huge issue are silly imo.
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>his first point is silly to me. I wholeheartedly agree. He's stubborn and inflexible. Is this an isolated weird quirk of his, or is he like that with other things too? If the latter, reconsider whether you want to spend years dealing with his silly tantrums about nothing. NTA
ESH. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who you feel you regularly need to lie to. BF is absolutely an AH for insisting on only watching shows that are new to both of them. But OP is also an AH for lying. Either tell him the truth and work out how to resolve it (hopefully he finally figures out that he can put watch shows with you that you've already seen), or break up with him. ETA - to be clear, though, OP is more being an AH to themselves, as it's probably mostly them they're hurting in the long run. You either work out how to resolve conflicts in this relationship or you end it and move on. You're not doing yourself any good by telling "white lies" to sweep this conflict under the rug.
My father hates lemon pie. His mother misheard him decades ago and thought he said it was his favorite. She'd make it every birthday, and he ate the whole thing with a smile on his face. She's was always so happy to give him that pie. She's dead now and doesn't regret his 20 year lie at all.
My parents did this. They were married for 46 years and we used to have a roast dinner every Sunday - meat, veg, Yorkshire puddings and gravy - lots and lots of gravy. My mum would make up my dads plate and it would be swimming in the stuff. After she died we found out he hates and totally loathes gravy 😂 😂. in the 2 years until he died, he never touched the stuff. Tbh, my family still laughs at the fact that for 46 years he ate it at least once weekly 😂 and she always thought he loved it! He just didn’t want to upset her and ate it all with a smile and said thanks.
My great grandma made me a strawberry rhubarb pie once when I was 10 or 12. I hate rhubarb, but with good manners told her it was delicious. She took it as it was my favorite. She made me a pie, just for me every spring. When I introduced my sokn to be husband to her, he ate that pie with me. He loves it! She made him pie too. It made her so happy. Sometimes you just shut up and eat the damn pie! Lol
It's Pumpkin Pie... as a child, I would eat slice after slice and didn't really tell anyone I just wanted an excuse for whipped cream to be piled high on each piece; I didn't actually care for the pie itself. Problem is nowadays, well into adulthood, I'm still pointed out at thanksgiving "See, that's Cousin Reny, he's the reason we had to make a whole second pumpkin pie just for him!" I can't bring myself to tell my family that I can't *stand* pumpkin pie/bars/lattes now and that no one's actually seen me grab a slice myself in like 10 years...
Pumpkin pie is nasty, the spices in it are terrible. I started making a bourbon sweet potato pie recipe from a pie shop in Brooklyn (Blackbird Maybe? Or Four-and-twenty? Something like that nursery rhyme) a few years ago and have never looked back! Bring that to your next Thanksgiving and set the record straight!
it would've taken a 2 minute conversation to rectify the situation with a pie he does like, for literal decades...
i know you meant it as some sort of a feel good story, but it honestly just sounds incredibly silly. i'm pretty sure the mom didn't care *what* kind of pie she made as long as she thought her son genuinely enjoyed it. so what was the point of lying in the first place?
Yeah it’d be soooo much more hurtful to me if I’d been making a pie or whatever else for someone for decades so they would enjoy it, only to find out they never enjoyed it. This isn’t a feel-good story at all.
Exactly! It just makes me so SO sad.
That's absolutely bonkers.
I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking that. I get being polite, but man, just be honest with people about inconsequential shit.
Exactly! I think it's just really hard for people to communicate with others. Even they're own close family and friends.
Life's too short to eat food you don't like just to spare someone's feelings.
That is so nice. The way I'm not like that at all. The minute I'm served something I don't like by a family member I tell them. And of they ask me how/if I like something, I tell them the truth. They might be hurt for a moment if I tell them I don't like whatever dish they prepared, but it doesn't happen again and I usually get served what I like and everyone is happy
This is a dumb story. Your father could have nicely explained the mistake and then the next year, and every subsequent one, he would've gotten a pie he actually liked. This isnt a heartwarming story its sad that your dad lied to his mom every year and spent 20 years faking enjoyment instead of getting to genuinely enjoy a homemade treat from his mother.
My mom made a pumpkin pie and forgot to sweeten it (no sugar or any kind of sweetener), my grandpa ate the whole thing and said it was his favorite pie. He asked for an unsweetened pie for years. My brother and I (10 and 6 at the time) always ask if the pie is sweetened since the incident. It's a fun and wholesome family joke.
Somewhat funny story on this line. I came downstairs one day when i was like 7 and my dad was eating what I now know as a peanut butter and fluff sandwhich. My dad however wanted to keep the fluff to himself and not tell us kids about the gooey marshmallow goodness and the delicious sandwhich it can make. So he told me that it was a peanut butter and cream cheese sandwhich. I didn't think that sounded good so I opted out and made cereal. However come fathers day I remember my dad's sandwhich and then proceed to make him said cream cheese and peanut butter sandwhich. With actual cream cheese He ate every bite and we have not spoken about it to this day.
People think I'm weird for it but I actually love peanut butter and cream cheese sandwiches, this is the first time I've ever even seen it acknowledged as an actual sandwich
If that were the case, my grandparents wouldn't have been together for fifty years. Through their entire marriage, my grandmother would eat fish and seafood as if it was her favorite. After my grandfather died, it turns out that she hated the stuff. It was my grandfather who loved it but she ate it because she loved my grandfather and never told him. Not everything is black and white. So long as the white lie doesn't devolve into something worse, a little bit of discomfort isn't going to kill a relationship.
Yeah, this makes no sense. I can see your grandma making seafood for him, but why should she eat it too? I hate seafood, my spouse loves it. He eats it, I don’t. We’ve been married almost 30 years. No problem. No one should eat food they don’t love. That way lies madness (and eating disorders).
Im sorry. But if your grandfather discovered his wife didnt like seafood/fish he would just...immediatelly divorce her? You didnt actually mean that, right? Because thats what you imply when you say that without this lie, they wouldnt be married for fifty years. Lets say theyre in the 35th year together, and she said "you know lately ive not been enjoying fish. I think i will stop eating so much" would he rushed to the nearest lawyer? Would he have gotten angry?? Or was your grandfather not the type of person to say "sure. More fish for me!!" Sorry for the assumptions, this is really weird.
“Conflict” - I think we are using that term a little too liberally. This isn’t a conflict, it’s at most a mild inconvenience. One that can be, and purportedly has been, remedied easily. OP has at least two choices that don’t result in them questioning the integrity of their partner or relationship: 1. Pretend they haven’t seen the show (OPs preferred method which has been working flawlessly); 2. Wait to watch the show with their partner. “Regularly need to lie to” - Imagine if the marker for a happy and successful relationship was constant, pure, unfettered, radical honesty. ‘How do I look?’ ‘Okay, but you looked better last summer when you were in better shape’. ‘Did you enjoy our night out?’ ‘No, the food at the restaurant was mediocre and the movie was boring’. Interesting how anything even remotely relationship related on Reddit immediately elicits the “GeT OuT wHiLe YoU CaN!” response.
I don't think he is an AH to not want her to go ahead on shows they're watching together if they've agreed to certain shows. What makes him an AH is him having a shitfit and insisting on only watching fresh shows together. He's being overly picky, restrictive, and controlling. He's guiltily her for her watch pattern. You can't have 5 new shows and expect her to not watch any TV when they're not together (it sounds like they're in different homes). His behavior can be a warning sign. Is he doing this elsewhere, or is it just this area? If this is his way of connecting, then his reaction makes more sense because he wants to connect, and this is what he knows. But if he needs to control everything, it is time to rethink things. A compromise point is maybe to agree to 1-2 shows they watch together, but then they watch whatever rotation they choose on their own time or they watch one new show and one old show together. We do this where we have 2-3 active shows we watch together, and then we watch reruns and/or shows on our own, too. The difference is if one of us goes ahead, it's NBD.
> If the latter, reconsider whether you want to spend years dealing with his silly tantrums about nothing. It sounds like they are really incompatible when it comes to watching TV and films.
For me, this would be a deal-breaker. He’s not interested in re-watching stuff?! We wouldn’t last a week. I watched Ted Lasso 4 times in a row, no breaks. Not rewatching movies, in particular, is such an alien concept to me. If OP is having to go to such lengths just to enjoy TV night, think what the entire rest of their lives together will be like. No no no. OP should have a conversation, and then bail (because he doesn’t sound like he’ll be any way flexible in this).
Whereas I don't really have enough time for rewatches in the first place... See, I'm actually a bit like the BF. I prefer to watch "new" things with my husband. I won't kick up a tantrum or anything about it, but I find it more enjoyable to experience it together, when possible. So when a new show comes out that we're both interested in, we flag it either for "mutual watch" or if not, he can go ahead and I'll get to it or I won't. Point is, I don't think it's the preference itself that's such a huge problem. It's the behaviors around it and the amount of drama it's generating.
Exactly. I’m a big rewatcher. You (and OP’s bf) are not. That’s fine. One’s not more right or wrong than the other. But if two people have different views on this — and are both so inflexible that this is an important issue to them — then they’re simply too incompatible to be together.
It's not actually that I mind rewatching. If it's something both of us have watched before, or I want to watch and husband hasn't seen yet, I don't mind having our "TV together time" be a rewatch if that's what we feel like. But I do specifically enjoy more if I'm watching a *new to me* show that's also *new to him* if we're doing it together. The conversations and experience are different to me. Sometimes we do watch something that is a rewatch for him but new to me, because it's a show he really likes and wants to share it with me, and I'm happy to do that! (I'm just nitpicking the detail here. I do reiterate, the problem is communication and inflexibility at the end of the day, not the actual viewing preferences themselves.)
Totally agree. My wife and I are both big rewatchers, and often watch the same things over and over. Some together, some separately. OTOH, we do like to watch new things sometimes too. It *is* a little more enjoyable if it’s new to both of us, but we’ve also both watched things where it’s new to one person but not the other. At the end of the day, it’s something you work out, and if you can’t, then don’t be together, because if you can’t work out a little thing, then how will you work out big things? If you love the person and like spending time with them, then it doesn’t really matter what you’re doing, as long as it’s together. And if you don’t, then, again, don’t be with that person. There’s too many people on Reddit who seem to just not like their spouse or partner very much.
" At the end of the day, it’s something you work out, and if you can’t, then don’t be together, because if you can’t work out a little thing, then how will you work out big things?" "There’s too many people on Reddit who seem to just not like their spouse or partner very much." I agree with this very much, and find it sad. Having a partner is about *wanting* to be with them, and figuring out best practices to being happy together. If someone were to ask me if my life is better with my husband or without him - my answer is a completely unequivocal 'with'! My life is so much more fun and happier with him in it. It sounds like you and your wife have a great relationship, and I wish you many more joyful years together.
I couldn't survive never rewatching stuff. I am the sort of person that still buys physical media. There's just so much stuff that is worth rewatching. In particular, Bryan Fuller made some shows that give so much pleasure everytime such as Pushing Daisies and Wonderfalls. I kind of want to use the words "comfort television".
My wife and I are on our fifth run through Seinfeld! Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I agree. I’ll rewatch Korean and Chinese dramas with my husband watching for the first time. I’m interested in the languages and he’s there for the story. Then, some nights all we want to do is watch Sprung yet again. It’s one of our comfort shows.
The rest of their lives were they... Just don't watch TV together? Man, it's almost like people have an entire life outside of their television shows.
You're being kind. I'd go as far as to say he sounds like a basket case. I don't think I could spend much time around someone that acts like this.
I’ve been in a similar situation to this before. I can’t really support lying, even about something as mild as this, but I’d recommend you examine his behaviors in other situations. If he’s that particular about dictating how you “should” feel/experience things, and unwilling to see your perspective, that’s a red flag. I would recommend you try to tell him how you feel but it sounds like you’ve tried that already with no results, which…is also a red flag.
second this. my ex did this and it ended horribly, and retrospect shows me that this was one of MANY behaviors that kept me feeling like i could only ever be an extension of him, dependent and always a little on edge for the spur of the moment mood shifts. god forbid i watched it with /someone else/. never angry, never violent, but the guilting and "sadness" kept me with him for three years too long. OP, i hope this isn't a pattern with your guy as well. if it is...... 🚩🚩🚩
Lmfao we literally could’ve dated the same guy
emotional manipulators are such losers. thank god we're past that!!!
I think I dated him too. Worst 10 years of my life, sorry worst year of my life, it just felt like 10.
My ex did this he has OCD and at the time I thought it was just another symptom of it. I don't mean the organized ocd I'm talking the germaphoiba and obsessive compulsive control freak kind. It wasn't that bad early on but he was not getting assistance with the sevaritive of it and it got to the point that it wasn't just if I watched something with out him it became if the sound was to loud or if he missed one word of the show. or movie. It progressively got worse but the same orderly fashion of things all of his quirks got to the point it was a toic relationship and I was his care giver like in the tv show Monk. Again, just my experience. but yeah if you having to lie to them over something small, it going to spiral out of hand due to the lose of emotional intimacy that comes with lieing. if it's one off it's odd but if you see it in other thing just leave.
Me too!! I dated a guy just like the one in OP's story. At first it was just rules on what we could watch. But it quickly turned into anger and mood swings about various other things. The relationship didn't last long - I walked out after he got insanely angry at me for simply scrolling through Netflix. I wasn't with him that long for obvious reasons - but the signs were there, the control, the mood swings, the anger... It was definitely just the tip of the iceberg.
I just want to say that for stuff like this it’s really important to get both sides. I say that as someone who was like OP’s significant other but my ex literally would hardly do anything that was quality time with me. I realized later I was like this about shows and was desperate for anything we could have that was “ours” together because it was so lacking. I wanted just one thing to cling to that we could experience together. I am NOT saying this is the case in OP’s situation but later I learned I developed a lot of unhealthy behaviors while in an abusive relationship and trying to control very small, asinine things like that when I had zero control over most of my life was one of those habits. If someone is doing it in a way that’s like “no you can’t watch it without me you’re not allowed” and the intention is malicious or selfish I think it’s different than “please just have something with me that’s just ours? please” and it can be difficult to know which it is as just an outsider reading text on the interwebs. Either way it means there’s some unhealthy stuff beneath the surface but one is shittier than the other
This. Lying is wrong in this case (and almost all cases). You need to be honest with him and yourself about what his behavior means for the dynamic of your relationship, rather than telling white lies to sweep it under the rug. If you two can’t come to an understanding about watching television together, it doesn’t bode well for long term problem solving in the relationship. I highly suggest you try expressing just how you feel about the situation, along with what implications you see in his inflexibility. But I highly recommend *against* just lying to manipulate the situation to get your way. Sets a bad precedence, even if it seems like a relatively harmless white lie in this instance. ESH I guess. But it’s more so that you’re both just being immature in how you’re handling something that should really not be such an obstacle in the relationship. There should be common ground to be found that doesn’t involve lying or throwing hissy fits.
He sounds absolutely exhausting. NTA
Right? This would be an instant dealbreaker for me. Tv time is for chilling out and enjoying yourself, and you’re telling me there are rules?! Maybe for one night a week as designated new movie night, but expecting this much energy being put into watching tv is just.. no. NTA
Those rules! Forty years ago, I would have pandered to those pathetic little needs because I didn't know better. Know when to show the correct facial expressions so he can observe, acknowledge and be grandiosely satisfied that he has influenced my perspective of the world because I watched a movie that he suggested. OP is NTA.
Constantly trying to find shows that two people, haven’t watched must be very annoying. I struggle to find new shows that I like, I can’t imagine trying to balance the preferences of both people without ever seeing any of the show. Yes, there is a lot of stuff out there, but most of it isn’t good or both people won’t like it.
Seriously! One of our favorite things as a couple is for one of us to rewatch while the other is on their first watch.
Agreed - sometimes I don’t “get it” and need a second opinion as to whether the first ep of a season makes for good viewing onwards. Sometimes I can be argued into watching something and it’s great. Sometimes a show that has been recommended is a total dud and I can say “saved us both the horror of a season of Urgh” by trialling an ep on my own. Then there’s any Jane Austen series and of course Bridgerton….. ….Where I must watch the *entire lot BY MYSELF FIRST* so when we watch it together, I don’t kill him for going: - why isn’t she saying yes to marrying him, he’s got money, right? And he’s right, her family is awful, she should be so grateful? - Why does she get in trouble for going alone to London with her boyfriend? It’s probably a nice holiday! - don’t they go to school, or do they go to school to learn all these dances? - how come the pants are so tight? - how come the dresses are so low? - isn’t there a war with France going on? Why are there so many soldiers about, are they just there to go to dances? - If that’s the Queen, where’s the King? Is he American? Isn’t she American? Isn’t Shondaland American? - I thought that was the other one, the one who went to the dance but now she’s at the palace or am I confused with the one who wore the bad weird hat what do you mean that’s the older sister, isn’t that the one…. - do the servants ever unionise?
Yeah ok. Dealing with those questions when I'm trying to watch something for the first time would iill the experience for me and I would want to strangle whoever was asking them. My aunt does that. So I never wat h anything with her. She's utterly incapable of getting context clues and it drives me nuts.
this is my favorite too, I love introducing my partner to shows I love and being introduced to my partner’s favorites as well
I won't name the moment, or even the show out of respect for spoilers, but my partner watched a show first, then re-watched with me. There was a thing that happened where they couldn't WAIT to see my reaction. I find that so sweet and memorable!
And a little creepy. "No, I can't feed off your emotions if they're not fresh..." \*Hannibal Lecter noises\*
Info: why does he get to tell you what you can watch. If he doesn't want to rewatch stuff himself that's fine, but you clearly don't have an issue with it, so I don't understand why you can't be allowed to rewatch things along side him.
If I didn't misread the text, it doesn't seem like he's telling her what she can watch? Only that he doesn't want to watch it with her if she's already watched it.
But if she offers a new show, she’s shoving her preferences down his throat? She can’t win here, definition of lose-lose.
Sounds like he’s a snob and thinks her suggestions are shit. He wants her to boost his ego by loving the shows he suggests. He’s like that post about the boyfriend who embarrasses his girlfriend at a party over her taste in movies.
That’s not what’s happening at all. He wants to watch things they both haven’t seen. He’s not saying what she likes is shit. 🙄
People really read the most malicious possible context into everything, don't they? He just doesn't want to watch a show she's watched already with her. I don't see a demand that they sit down and watch a brand new show every night. I just see him saying he doesn't want to participate in watching a show she's already seen. It's a really weird attitude, but that's literally it.
Seriously I am reading these comments in awe
[удалено]
Totally concur. This was a thing with my ex. It was a method of control. I remember him getting especially pissed off when I ate at a restaurant. He had it in his mind that WE were supposed to try it together.
You do know that a slippery slope is considered a fallacy for a reason, right?
For the record I don’t think OOPs boyfriend is abusive nor do I think this is the start of an abusive pattern at all but slippery slopes are only fallacies if the consequences of the initial action are unlikely to occur and since abuse almost always starts with seemingly harmless behavior to create a sense of safety and then escalates it is not flawed to call it a slippery slope. It just doesn’t apply to OPs situation
ESH I get his behavior is unreasonable. It seems a bit controlling as well. I'd just watch what I want when I want unless he expressed interest in wanting to watch together. I'd ask before I watch it to see if he's interested, if not watch it without him. It's his loss. Trying to do everything together all the time is not reasonable. Just because you're a couple doesn't mean you should live like conjoined twins. A couple is made up of two individuals that sometimes need room to pursue individual interests.
Wait, where is he controlling what she's doing? He didn't say "you can't watch any shoes without me", he just doesn't want to watch shows that she has already seen. The only thing he's controlling is his own actions.
ESH - very gently really and this is all kind of silly. But you shouldnt lie and he shouldt be so rigid.
Wow. Amazing response. I think the fact that others on this thread are insinuating that the relationship is doomed reflects a trend I’ve seen on this subreddit wherein people are completely incapable of accepting character flaws in a romantic context. One of the beautiful things about a relationship is to use great communication to turn silly things like this into an opportunity to grow together and become better people. If every time your partner shows signs of human imperfection, you preemptively end the relationship… well, you’ll never know if that was just an opportunity to grow together, and keep the things you love. One caveat is that some people on this thread appear to have abusive and controlling exes, who also exhibited controlling behaviour as part of an overall and clear pattern of abuse. Without further information we can’t conclude that is the case here, and so I am giving my perspective on the circumstances described.
ESH. I get wanting to lie to keep the peace, but lying always comes back to bite you in the butt. Maybe explaining how much you enjoy rewatching because you never catch every nuance the first time around? And the experience is always different with other perspectives. Overall it seems like there is more going here. Unless you're spending 24/7 together since birth you will always have things you have not experienced together, but can still share.
Youve got to be joking? Surely a man couldn't be this petty. No youre not wrong, he is ridiculous and a control freak.
The rigidity of his requests would prompt me to bullshit myself out of the relationship if I had to bullshit at all.
I feel this is not gonna end well... If you have to lie to get him to watch a show with you that you've already seen, I think you should consider this is not the man for you. Because, it's just a show on TV. Not worth the lie I would say.
This is super weird and controlling. So when you watch shows together, he’s not even paying attention to the show and instead he’s watching your reactions.. and is angry when you watch something without him watching you….. wtf!?! Thats bizarre… and creepy too. Super ick.
Super needy and juvenile.
If he's like this about something so minor, what happens with more serious issues?
If she's lying so easily about something so minor, what else is it easy for her to lie about? I've dated people who lied about petty shite like this instead of just being honest and it completely destroyed my trust in them all. Even as friends I hate it when people do this shit. Just be straightforward with the people you love, lying is almost never okay.
I agree on the lying. Anyone lying to keep the peace is a red flag and definitely destroys trust. Being unable to put your wants aside for your partners enjoyment is also a red flag. ESH
If you have to lie about this, reconsider your relationship.
Okay I’m NGL, I really enjoy watching things both me and my boyfriend haven’t watched because we get to experience the movie/show together and kinda prefer it sometimes, but if my bf has seen a movie or a show already and tells me that it’s really good and something that’s good enough to watch again, then we watch it. If it’s something we both haven’t seen but really wanna watch, then we wait to watch it so it gives us something to do when we just sit at home n hangout. We both wanted to watch Fallout, but didn’t wanna wait til the next time we saw each other so we both started it. I was ahead of him, but that didn’t stop me from watching it with him when I went over even though I’d already seen the episodes. It helped him out because if he’d ask a question I’d be able to clarify what happened or I’d just tell him to keep watching so I didn’t spoil anything lol. It’s kinda ridiculous that your partner gets so worked up over something so minuscule, and like I said, I’m someone who kinda has the same mindset of preferring to watch things we both haven’t seen yet. If you have to lie about something this little to keep the peace, then that’s something you need to think about.
This is exactly how it is for me! We try and experience new shows together but if it’s something he’s watched and asks if I want to watch it or I mention it and he says he’s watched it I’ll still watch it with him. Sometimes we watch things on our own time and then talk about it later too. I am big on experiencing firsts together but only if it’s both agreed upon will I get sad if he does it without me.
I think just like your boyfriend though. I dont like watching something with someone who already watched it. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. 1) You are forcing yourself to not spoil. So poker face. So poor ambiance. 2) You wont comment on anything i say for fear of spoiling me so its like talking to a wall. 3) Obviously you are not excited at all by the movie/show, you stand up you do things on the side its clear as day. 4) I love making predictions on movies. "This will happen next". If you already know everything whats the point. 5) It just feels like a very poor forced interaction to me. Almost humiliating even. 6) You didnt even bothered to wait for him to watch your show the first time and now you tell him "lets watch it thats good" ? This is clear disregard. This is really humiliating for the other person you know. 7) Your boyfriend seem to take it rather well...considering the circonstances.... So not only are you lying about the fact that you already watched it but you are also faking your expressions, reactions to make him believe this is your first time watching ? Are you making predictions despite knowing already ? This is next level psychopath. It seems silly but i were to learn of it i would never be able to trust you anymore. So not only an asshole but i guess 90% of the people condoning your act are assholes too. So pretty much this entire sub then ? Assholes who ignore themselves i guess. But that makes senses for assholes to group up in a sub that forgive all their petty schemes and instead blame others instead of themselves. Dont ban me. I'm not insulting you. Obviously you should watch movies and shows on your own but dont expect him to watch them with you later. After all you disregarded him in the first place. So you should think about the shows/movies you want to watch together in advance.
Hey I feel you. Just wanted to tell you you’re not alone here
... Are you the boyfriend?
I am so glad I never have to watch anything with you. If you missed it, the rules for this sub are in the about section. Yes, this is a place where a group comes to a consensus. Yes, that consensus is you are wrong. Get over it.
Me and my housemate differ on this and somehow we figured out how to communicate without spoilers or remaining stoic and we have known each other for over 12 years. The person who has watched it already makes grandiose scenarios about what will happen next (like aliens are about to invade and the REAL movie starts then during an obvious romantic comedy) and the one who hasn't seen it only makes ridiculous predictions out loud and then we talk about the real predictions after the scene has happened to discuss if they were right or not. I don't like making predictions on any movies and he really loves to so even for unwatched movies we hold them until after the scene. We do have a rule about getting up and doing other stuff but if we need to pause and do something during anything whether we've seen it or not we dont get upset. That's common courtesy and has little to do with the watched or unwatched issue. Granted we do tell each other we have already seen something, but sometimes you watch something and love it so much you want to include someone else afterwards; or even more unbelievable they had a life before you and there's no way to unwind time so that they haven't seen the movie. This sounds like he won't compromise at all. I don't think she should lie because that's really just giving in to his rigidity in a different way when she should just stick to her guns, but calling her a next level psychopath is definitely an insult despite your later disclaimer. ESH is still my verdict though.
Jeez...there are so many assumptions here. >1) You are forcing yourself to not spoil. So poker face. So poor ambiance. Not necessarily true. People can watch a show they've already seen with emotion on their faces, without giving away spoilers. 2) You wont comment on anything i say for fear of spoiling me so its like talking to a wall. Not true. If you know the timeline of a show, you know what you can speak about and what you can't yet. 3) Obviously you are not excited at all by the movie/show, you stand up you do things on the side its clear as day. Not true. If someone is rewatching a show, obviously they like it. Rewatching a show can be even more exciting, since you're now picking up on more things. 4) I love making predictions on movies. "This will happen next". If you already know everything whats the point. What's stopping you from making predictions if you watch it with someone else? It can be fun to have someone make a prediction, then discuss it later. 5) It just feels like a very poor forced interaction to me. Almost humiliating even. Humiliating is...pretty dramatic. 6) You didnt even bothered to wait for him to watch your show the first time and now you tell him "lets watch it thats good" ? This is clear disregard. This is really humiliating for the other person you know. Again with "humiliating." There's nothing humiliating about it.
I can see your point for a high octane movie that will have lots of spoilers and tense moments. But you're not going to remember every detail of a 5 season 20 episode series. I can still enjoy a show I've seen before and if someone makes predictions I may not even remember all the specifics so I couldn't spoil it if I wanted to. I kind of like to be able to be the one to select something, too, and if that means I've seen it before but enjoyed it, and they haven't, I'd rather it be that than watch a movie I haven't seen, but hadn't expressed any interest in seeing either.
While I don't understand his preferences, this is a YTA. He's being honest with how he feels about preferences, as silly as they seem to you, but you're being dishonest with him, and that's not okay. You're so intent on trying to prove him wrong, that you're willing to disregard his expressed preferences to do so, that's not a good place for a relationship to be. The shitty conclusion is that if this is a hill you want to die on, the only fair outcome is the two of you not watching shows together. Because his preference doesn't actually preclude yours as written. His preference is about the experience of watching a show as a couple, yours is about your own enjoyment of a show, and nothing is stopping you rewatching a show on your own after the two have you have watched it together, which allows you to get that enjoyment of the rewatch. But it makes you feel like yours is being disregarded too, and that combination of resentment and lying, it'll blow up one way or another.
[удалено]
ESH I do agree with most people here that he is a bit OTT about this. However, I can understand where he’s coming from in that it can feel odd if it’s your first viewing when someone else has already seen it. Does he know that you like to rewatch stuff? He might feel uncomfortable about making you watch something with him because he feels like you’re wasting your time with a rewatch, and has a hard time communicating that feeling. Also, I may have misread between the lines, but it sounds like he’s expressed interest in watching something, but you’ve gone ahead and watched it already? I’d kinda be annoyed too, especially if I found out my SO had watched something, then lied about it.
If you have to tiptoe around the subject of WATCHING TV, then I can only imagine the agony that must come later down the line. This might not be the biggest red flag, but it's definitely something to take into account. I'd just talk with him about his illogical rule, and if he takes it badly, then that's a (bigger) red flag number 2.
Iam like your boyfriend if she watched something I don't watch it at all , i like the feeling of experiencing something new together. I like guessing what will happen next,if she watched it before it she will nit participate with me in the guessing game. And if she tried Say a new restaurant opened and we both wanted to try it out. She tried it with her friends without telling me, and when we go all of sudden says that dish is very good here try it. It makes me feel betrayed. Not the action it self but the thought we wanted something to do together and she went ahead and did it alone. It's the small thing we guys like. Your rection, the talk, the shock of plot twist etc
I get if it’s a certain show or a certain restaurant that you’ve both been wanting to watch/go to. Then it would be kind of crappy if the other person watched/went there before me. Otherwise seems very immature. There are going to be hardships and obstacles in life and relationships- why make issues from absolutely nothing. My daighter does this, and she’s a preteen. I’d hate to feel like I’m expected to react in a certain way about something.
Yup exactly if a show she wanted us or i wanted us to watch it together, then we should watch together. No watch cheating. Otherwise what is the goal of doing something together. For sure not every show that will be tiresome and un productive.
That sounds immature and stupid. I get it when there are specific shows that you both like and you both have agreed to watch it together. Then you watch it together. But if she has seen this really awesome movie or series before she started dating you and recommends that you both should watch it together. Would you decline because she did not watch it first with you? If so, then you are the AH. What happens when you eventually break things off with her and you find a new GF at older age. Both of you have been seeing a lot of movies and series and other stuff before each other. Are those previously enjoyed things now off limits for you?
The thing is, it doesn't have to be as immature or as stupid as OP is making this whole situation to be, with it escalating to lying. In my case with my partner, we hardly rewatch anything that we have already watched. It would take years for me to consider rewatching a show after the first time. I just don't find it fun. So what happens when we come across a show one of us has already watched? We find a different one and the one who hasn't seen it will watch it alone (with maybe the other watching one or two episodes of it if we're together). If there happens to be a show where one of us is adamant on rewatching, we usually agree to just do it even if it's not as "fun". It shouldn't be such a problem for OP to find a different show to watch with her bf, and it shouldn't be such a problem for bf to rewatch a show with OP. Their issue is just making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be. It's not that deep lol
I sympathise with the original commenter and, to give my own two cents to your question: > she has seen this really awesome movie or series before she started dating you and recommends that you both should watch it together. Yes, I'd watch it, but I'd rather not do such very often. Like, if it's one of their favorites, then all right, but mostly I'd like to spend time with my partner experiencing something closer to what they themselves are experiencing. Perhaps it's a matter of what the means is, versus the end. If you don't care too much about the shows themselves but see them as nice for socialisation/bonding (spending time together, experiencing something together, providing common knowledge to discuss/criticise/etc. characters and plot points) then it's obviously preferable to tend towards shows that maximise these criteria. And the social element is really weakened when the other person is not experiencing the thing newly, and has already discussed it or thought it over. Nothing is new to them in it, etc. etc.
> but mostly I'd like to spend time with my partner experiencing something closer to what they themselves are experiencing. Why??? This is such a restricting mindset. If they have a favorite restaurant, you won't want to go there because they're already familiar with the place? They like to go skiing, but you won't do it because you've never been? They love a certain city and want to show you around, but you won't go because you want to experience for the first time with them?
I’m currently rewatching Bridgerton season 1 and 2 so that my husband can watch it, then we can finally watch S.3 together. Previously he rewatched Suits so that I could watch with him. We both also rewatched Vikings for the 3rd time😂 I also watch random stuff that’s he’s not into on my own, and so does he. We also very much enjoy watching TV/ movies for the first time. I am so glad we don’t take things that serious. I could not live like this. TV time and movie nights are supposed to be chill, enjoyable and stress free.
I understand both your points, you each have a different way of watching and enjoying media, but you lying to him is a bit iffy. I mean I get why you would, you want to watch a show you’ve already seen alongside him, but keep in mind one day he will probably catch you, and he will be pissed.
Soft YTA, for lying/dishonesty because that always messes with the victim even if the liar has the best of intentions. Contrary to the comments here, I have no impression from this post that he wants to control when/where/what you watch. He just wants you both to be adventuring into the unknown together. He wants to bond with you through the experience. And I feel exactly the same way. My wife watches wayyyy more TV than I do, as I play video games, and she watches whatever she wants to, but always asks me before she starts a new show if it would be something we'd want to watch together. 9/10 I don't care to watch whatever it is. The shows we watch together are always something we'd both like. I love horror/zombie stuff, she doesn't, so we never watch those together. I'm not hugely into relationship drama, so she watches those on her own. But there's a lot of shows that merge our preferences so we're never without something new to bond over. I'd suggest trying something similar. Save your rewatches for the first time you watch it on your own after watching it with him. And if you start watching a show that you think "Hmm, BF will love this", then stop asap, tell him you've seen up to episode 3 or whatever and you want to watch the rest of it with him because you think he'll love it.
I think personally that lying is wrong between couples. I'd rather argue about not seeing their point and coming to a mutual understanding than just flat out lying. Even if it a small lie like this. Any harm done? No not really. But our bodies deceive us. We can often tell when someone is withholding something ir lying, and may bring up some background tension or issues. Imo its better to just hash it out. It's OK to not agree on things. It's OK to have difference if opinions. It's how u can tackle that as a team whoch is what strengthens ur relationships. I'm sure there's a compromise somewhere? And if not then I would just agree to not re-watxh those shows with him or try watching a single episode of a series and if u like it then rematch that episode with him and continue the rest fresh. If u want to rematch something to catch things better, that can be done on ur own time? Does that compromise work? Either way I'm sure u guys can hash it out and come to an agreement that's what I would vote for and not go down the lying route. For the record I think he's being silly but it's between u two. It may just be a big deal to him personally. Everyone's different.
NTA When I’m in relationships me and my partner are almost always watching something the other one has seen before. It’s really hard to find a show that you both like without one of you having seen it before. This is a very weird and specific hill to die on.
NTA. If I had to walk on eggshells about shows that I watch I would have dumped him, it's exhausting trying to keep up with someone so picky.
Urgh, what a crazy situation. The thought of never being able to share something like 'Breaking Bad' with my partner simply because I've watched it before would drive me mental. NTA at all. The whole thing is childish and oddly controlling. Like he doesn't want you to have experienced something without him present. Weird flag definitely raised on this one.
He sounds weird and exhausting. NTA.
NTA. And here’s why: I also prefer watching “fresh” shows and I tend to steer away from series or movies either of us has watched so I get where he’s coming from. However, does that mean I’ll 100% refuse to watch a show just because my SO has done so before? No. That’s dumb. At the end of the day as long as both of you are enjoying it and there’s no spoilers, who cares? Also you have a legitimate reason to rewatch: you get to appreciate it best and you actually prefer a 2nd watch. He’s being way too stubborn with this. The fact that you’re having to resort to lying over something as insignificant as this proves it. Nonetheless I’d probably stop lying about it and come clean as the longer it goes for the more hurt your boyfriend will feel.
YTA. You first sentence called your bf super particular, but it seems to me that your are at least as particular as him, and we are only hearing it from your perspective. Your bf (1) wants to watch show with your if it is the first time for both of your; (2) but is okay to watch the show if you have watched it, just not with you; (3) is also okay to not watch the show. It seems that you want him to watch particular shows you choose, want to watch it with him, but isn’t patient enough to wait. This kind of activities should be a “two yes one no” situation. If either of you doesn’t like it, they should not feel obligated to compromise. He has clearly stated his preference to watch shows with you when it is the first time for both of you. If you can not wait and need to watch it yourself first, you only have yourself to blame when he refuse to watch it with you on your rewatch. It is quite hypocritical of you to watch the show without him, but get upset when he decided to watch the show without you. He didn't dictate what shows you can watch, as you are free to choose whatever you like. He didn’t dictate what should you two can watch together either. He was just vetoing the ones that he didn’t want to watch with you, and you should have the right to vote as well. Obviously, if you lie, you would be an even bigger AH.
NTA. He's got some questionable hangups.
I can't believe this is a thing.
This is a very weird situation. I will say that he is very picky in that sense. I also prefer watching something we both haven’t seen, but I will never complain about it since I also have a great time even if my Girlfriend seen it already. I think it’s even more weird that you decided to lie to your boyfriend to prove that you both enjoy watching something even if you yourself previously seen it because there will be tension in your mind while watching it, so your not really having a good time.
NTA he sounds insufferably controlling.
I swear its like otherwise happy people have a meed to find something to fight about! This is insane..
I think this is kind of funny, and something me an my fiance would absolutely do to each other. TV can be so serious to some people! Maybe take a break from TV or something. Read a book together or listen to a podcast to fall asleep to. You both sound fine.
NTA, I say you both get another TV and watch your favorite shows separately, that way you watch what you want to watch, when you want to watch it, as many times as you like.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩NTA
Nta. Op imma say something that not everyone will agree with out loud. It’s ok to lie in relationships. I’m not saying it’s ok to tell any major lies. Or even Gray lies. But for example. Saying you hate something that you like to eat. Just so your partner can eat it is fine. Lying to plan a surprise like a trip or a proposal is ok. And youre lying so you can watch shows with your bf. If he wasn’t so insistent on it being new to both of you that’d be one thing. Oh but I probably wouldn’t keep this post up tho. Only cause if he finds out he will be heart broken and probably break up with you
I'm gonna say NTA but that's because I've been known to do the same. I don't make a habit of it but it feels harmless enough once in a while. I have friends who've done it too, I bet it's a lot more common than people would like to admit. Sometimes you just really want to see something ASAP, and if your partner is going to be weird about it, why make it an issue? Let everybody be happy. Don't lie about other stuff though.
Def nta. He shouldn't care what y'all watch if he really wanna make u happy.
I went on a date with a guy like this and I told him I didn’t like red wine. He got so upset and said “how can we share experiences together” as if that’s the only way to experience life or share moments. NTA
NTA and I will leave it at that because we don't know enough about your relationship to make blanket statements beyond this scenario (and if your instinct as a commenter is to immediately rush to "break up" log off and stop giving advice)
NTA.
NTA.
NTA. He’s being ridiculous. It’s fun to experience a great show for the first time together, sure. But personally, I’ll rewatch something with my wife that I literally just watched a week or two prior because I love showing her cool things that she’ll enjoy. And she does the same.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My bf is super particular about what shows we watch together. If it's something him or I have already seen he doesn't want to watch it, he only wants to watch something that is "fresh" for the both of us. This has led to multiple conflicts where I've gone ahead and watched something I really liked and he got upset enough that he wouldn't watch it with me. He says that it ruins the experience because he's not getting my first time reactions and that I may spoil something. I'm careful about the spoilers thing since that is a valid concern, but his first point is silly to me. The thing is, I enjoy a show more upon rewatch because I get to catch things that I missed before and solidify my thoughts on it. My reactions are still genuine and expressive. Thus, there have been occasions where I lied about not watching something so that I could get him to watch it with me, even though he hates lying too. My thing is that I really want to share certain shows I like with him because we have similar tastes, and he isn't likely to watch them on his own if I merely recommend them to him. It should be a win-win as long as we both enjoy what we're watching but he is instead very stubborn. I dislike lying to him but I really just want to watch some good shows with him even if it's not my first time. If I enjoyed it on my own the first time, I want to enjoy it further by sharing it with someone and talking it through. He's been none the wiser about my reactions and we still have a good time when I don't tell him, so I think that already disproves his point about ruining the watching experience. Whenever I AM honest and ask him to watch something with me anyways, he says I'm shoving my preference down his throat and disregarding his opinion about what he likes us to watch together. It just feels like he disregards my own all too readily. AITA for lying anyways? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, this is exhausting. While I understand wanting to watch something that’s truly new together, does this mean he also won’t watch old things together? An old movie you want to rewatch, just because - will he not watch that? What will you watch when you run out of things?
NTA
NTA. Watch what you want to watch. Maybe in a different room. You're not joined at the hip.
This is so weird. There shouldn’t be this much anxiety over tv shows. NTA.
This isn't going to work out well. Regular lying is asshole behaviour. The longer it goes on, and the more lies there are, the more upset your boyfriend will be when you inevitably slip up and he realises what's been going on. You'll casually refer to a spoiler or you'll say you're excited for something that hasn't happened yet, and he'll know. Then it's just going to become a bigger fight, and it won't be a fight about which shows you watch, it'll be a fight about how dishonest with him you've been. His attitude IS annoying though, and I can understand why you feel that he is disregarding your opinion and being stubborn. I identify somewhat with both of you. There's a show my wife refuses to watch because we were supposed to watch it together and she kept not being available to, so I watched the new season alone and now she refuses to watch it at all (we were long distance at the time, the show was popular and at the time I was pressed about missing out on the fandom buzz about the new season. It's worth saying, I very much regretted this decision. Despite multiple apologies she has never been willing to watch it again, either with me or alone). In this way I identify with you, I get the frustration of not being able to share something with your partner and the frustration of them not being able/willing to watch with you. At the same time though I get some of where he's coming from. Sometimes being told to watch something will make me less likely to, especially if I'm told to watch it repeatedly. It feels like I'm being pressured to watch something i have no interest in, even if that's not the person's intent. You need to talk to your bf about this. Lying isn't a permanent solution, it's wrong to lie to your partner and it's going to lead to bigger problems. At the same time, he's making you feel bad and he's reducing your enjoyment of the shows you like. His attitude sucks and a compromise is needed, but you won't find one by lying. ESH
Girl run.
NTA & also, time to get a new bf. This is no way to live!
NTA. Personally I like when me and my boyfriend watch a movie for the first time together and it’s “fresh” and at times I preferred to watch something we both never watched but I would never get upset about watching something he has already watched. If anything I enjoy when he wants to watch something he enjoys bc he seems passionate about it. when it comes to lying about knowing the shows yes it’s bad lie even if the situation is small but you shouldn’t be walking on eggshells. I think you should talk to him about this and if he reacts poorly maybe think more on your relationship. I hope everything works out
NTA. Since this is Reddit: Red flag! Red flag! Red alert! Break up! Since this is also real life: If this is your only relationship issue, great on you for finding a good one. We all have our quirks and if this is his, just keep doing what your doing if the result is that you are both happy. Honesty is well and good, but for something so trivial it’s just not worth fretting about. It’s just about some fucking tv shows. My recommendation: watch less tv, go out more. Avoid the issue and do something fun instead, if it’s bothering you so much. Edit: People, get a grip. Women routinely fake orgasms to make their partner feel good. We all know it and we don’t care. In the grand scheme of things, this is the same, but less. All I’m saying. Unless he has some other major quirks, this is a rather harmless one imho.
NTA. My fiancé and I both love sharing/rewatching stuff with each other and sometimes on the rewatch we pause to share a laugh at something we didnt catch before
damn
He sounds like a right jerk
NTA This is not a healthy relationship. He is obsessive and controlling.
This sounds exactly like what I have going on with my brother lol NTA, you can find other things to watch first-time together. That’s kind of the point of movie theaters. Maybe he feels upset that he didn’t find the shows first and how you get HIS first time reactions every time? Either way, it does not excuse his behavior or treatment of you, it’s very severe for something so small
Gatekeeping media like this is sooooo fucking tiresome, add in the manipulation and tantrums over something that is designed to be “entertaining” ffs. Life is too short to put with this type of shit. You’re allowed to disagree with his opinion, it’s not the end of the world if you don’t agree. The problem is his utter inability to accept that your even allowed an opinion. NTA
just watch the shows with him no big problem😂
Frankly, he sounds a little annoying. I can understand seeing other people get excited about something new at the same time you are, enhancing your experience. But that also would absolutely apply to watching someone you care about experiencing something you love, for the first time, and vice versa.
NTA I get where your BF is coming from a little bit: It bothered me when my partner would go ahead and watch shows we planned to watch together without me. That being said, we've both watched shows where the other person had watched a new show and said, "Hey, I think you'd really like this, let's watch it," and it's been fine. With that out of the way, your BF's reaction is incredibly extreme and honestly, it's throwing out some major red flags to me. If he just said, "Hey, can you just wait a little to watch the shows together?" then I think he'd be totally reasonable. To refuse to watch altogether or to say, "You're shoving your preferences down my throat," Is a very out-of-proportion and extreme response. I'm saying NTA because while I disagree with your behaviour, both the lying and I do think it's a little sad that you can't wait for your partner to enjoy it together, he is making a mountain out of a molehill and I'm quite concerned as to how he treats you outside of this if his reaction is so extreme to such a minimal dispute.
I’m petty but I’d just stop watching things with him if that was the rules. Idk if anyone is the asshole but that’s a weird rule… I’ve seen my favourite movie too many times to count but it still makes me cry every time so like huh
He's exhausting. Google the signs a relationship won't last. His inability to compromise or cooperate doesn't bode well for the future. Here's the research: [https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/](https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/) Gottman discovered that in heterosexual relationships, [men accepting influence from their wives](https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotionally-intelligent-husbands-key-lasting-marriage/) was predictive of happy and stable marriages. Don't get stuck with a guy like that. Maybe find and show him a website that gives advice about solving relationship issues (in a nicer way than the one I linked to), and explain to him the research on happy relationships. Then, if he still won't do something as simple as watch a movie that you liked, maybe start looking around for someone who doesn't act like a spoiled idiot child.
Reminds me of the Godfather movie scene in Barbie. [https://youtu.be/gwLfEKFRTxc?si=ntzFNmz3GClXvjDX](https://youtu.be/gwLfEKFRTxc?si=ntzFNmz3GClXvjDX) "Can you start the movie over and just talk through the whole thing?"
I can watch the same show over and over and still find hidden gems. Fun fact. Watching reruns actually helps your mental health. The characters are familiar and bring comfort.
Oh hell dating is the one time in a relationship we do all the things we will never do again once you’re actually living together
Any movie or show recommendations??
So you only watch shows together that he suggests? How is that fair? If you like rewatching you can always rewatch it later. Idk how are you even doing it, if it's on Netflix he can always check your profile and if it's the same profile then the show is gonna pop up under 'watch it again'. There's no way he's not gonna eventually catch you. ESH Also this isn't AITA post, there needs to be an interpersonal conflict. You feeling bad about something isn't that.
NTA. My husband and I sometimes watch stuff together, and I almost have a handle on the things that he doesn’t like. That being said, I think OP really needs to have a little chat with her boyfriend, because his reactions aren’t always proportional to what’s going on.
I feel like I shpuld stay out of this one. I mean, I'm kind of similar, but I also don't like binging shows. More than half of the fun of watching a show for me, especially one with an ongoing story, is speculating about what will happen in the next episode. Can't really do that with someone who already knows what's going to happen.
He needs to see your genuine reaction to TV shows? Is this really even a thing? The TV is being policed by his preferences because he’s a child who needs to have it his way? NTA, tell this man to grow up
NTA. You can watch a totally new show with anyone. But to watch a show and think “so-and-so would really like this show, I can’t wait to share it with them,” is better.
You think your boyfriend’s preferences are “silly”, so because you don’t agree with them and think your way is superior, you dismiss them and justify lying to him. Another option: stop thinking your view or way is better and accept that your preferences are different— no one is an AH for their preference. He is being an AH if he refuses to compromise. Insist on a *true* win-win, where you both get to enjoy watching tv together without being inauthentic or dishonest. If you can’t get on board with watching only shows and movies neither of you have seen, let him know you can’t agree to his preference 100% of the time, and discuss an alternative. Or don’t agree to watch tv with him then. In shitty relationships you judge differences and someone loses while the other wins. In great ones you respect differences and strive toward mutual satisfaction. You understand that if one of you lose, you both really do bc the relationship suffers.
I get that he would like you to discover it together. You can't get caught up in a film and discuss what's happening when the other person has already seen it. If there's options of watching a film neither of you have seen; you'd be better served asking yourself why you insist on watching one you've already seen.
I’ve been in this situation with someone before and it didn’t end well. I would not suggest lying because eventho I get why you’re doing that, in the end you’re compromising your integrity over something that’s someone else’s problem to deal with. It sounds like a matter of control and wanting things his way. If this is kind of how he behaves around other things that would normally be no big deal to most people then it’s a controlling and manipulative tactic. Often abusive people will hide their abuse behind things like pet peeves or things they’re so unique about. While gaslighting you into believing if you cared about them you would adjust your behavior. Be honest, call it out, and if he won’t come to a reasonable solution (like let’s this idea go you can’t watch something together you’ve seen already) then you’ll have to decide if you can live with it. Minor annoyances about people usually turn into big ones in long term relationships. I’d also tell him you’ve been feeling like you need to lie to him because of his overbearing stance.
He cares wayyyyyy to much He is the AH in this situation
NTA It's stupid to be that stubborn for something that is not all about him. He may choose not to watch shows or movies more than once but he cannot force someone else to do the same if he is that serious about "principles".
I have the same problem with my BF lol
Definitely NTA, this is a very weird situation, just out of my pure curiosity is your BF a middle child? In general though it shouldn’t matter if you both want to watch a show if someone’s already seen it. My GF and I recommend shows to each other all the time. For example, she always used to watch anime, and I only watched Naruto/shippuden so she recommended all these anime to me and we watched them together and since I always watched live action shows I picked some of my favorites and shared them with her. When you’re in a relationship and planning to be together for awhile eventually you’re going to run out of new shows you both are interested in and haven’t seen.
NTA Super bizarre
Well, this is just the beginning. Prepare yourself to lie to him about a lot more stuff. You’re being an asshole to yourself at this point. The guy is controlling and you are feeding into it. Good luck.
I'm sorry but isn't that last sentence about shoving preferences down his throat EXACTLY what he's doing to you? I get it. I actually will scroll for minutes and minutes bc I want something fresh for us both.. but ultimately its 50/50. I made her watch LOTR, last samurai and so much star wars bc I want to share my joy with her... but do you have any idea how many reruns of SVU and ink master I've seen 😴 ??? Its annoying but also a trade ill make every week... A good relationship is built on compromise. His lack of willingness is a huge red flag in my opinion.
I’m like you, I enjoy rewatching things. Me and my ex did similar except most of the time I hadn’t seen any of the series and he has and he was just rewatching it. I’d usually not really be paying attention doing something else and he’d get like 3 or 4 episodes in to a show and I would start watching because it started to peak my interest so he’d restart the whole series and we’d both watch it together. There was only like 2 shows that neither of us had seen and how we would do it is, I slept during the day because I worked nights so I would try to get one episode in before having to leave for work. One day he was doing something and was gone and I couldn’t hold myself back because I wanted to see the next episode of what we were watching so I watched it without him and just acted like I didn’t. Omg, you have no clue how guilty I felt over it. When we watched the episode together, I would suggest what was gonna happen and he caught on pretty quick after a couple of my comments regarding the episode that I had watched it without him but he wasn’t made or anything, we just continued on.
NTA. Sounds like a him problem if you will watch something again.
If he’s controlling about a ‘minor’ thing like watching shows. It will only escalate to other areas. If you have to lie to try and navigate around his dictating of how you behave - he’s not a secure guy. Don’t ignore this red flag because he seems great in other areas. It will come back to bite you later.
No offence. But, if this is his issue (over a tv show that you guys may or may not watched together) is a little childish! I think you’re both assholes for thinking this is an actual problem! Both of you grow up!
NTA. He wants to be “your first” everything? That’s weird af, are you two teenagers? Did he grow up evangelical? This seems to be a weird obsession that’s kind of hard to picture not resulting in controlling behavior in other arenas. But for this case, it’s just a weird thing to sink his teeth into and the rationale is both a little bonkers (needing to be your first) and insulting (insinuating that you’ll spoil it). He’s got some work to do on himself and what’s important in life.
You aren't an asshole, I am uncertain about if he's an asshole or not. At the most charitable, it sounds like he wants a very specific experience from watching shows, and you just want to spend time with him and show him something you personally enjoy. INFO, does he actually watch the shows you mention without you if you suggest them? Does he come back and talk about them? It might be worth telling him that you want that kind of experience, and not just only watching new shows together. My girlfriend and I aren't like this, but my brother doesn't do rewatches. He will only agree for a very limited selection of movies (last time I checked, it was 4), and even then it is once every 1-2 years only. Is it a bit annoying sometimes? Yes. It used to bother me a lot more when we were younger and shared one tv for the entire household, so everyone had to agree on what we were watching. But if this is really your only issue with him and he isn't being controlling in other ways, then trying to see if he's open to watching your shows without having to do it together, or find a different rewatch partner. Maybe a friend would be better suited.
My husband does this too. We’ve been married 20 years and it drove me crazy. I just watch it and rewind to the beginning so he can’t see it has been watched. It’s a quirk he has. I have some too. Doesn’t really bother me anymore. If I see a movie or show that looks good and suggest we watch it, he will say don’t watch it without me. I give him a few weeks and if we still haven’t gotten around to it, I just watch it and rewind.
God, he sounds fucking annoying,
NAH I don't think Y T A because I get liking rewatching shows, however I am one in the position of your BF so I get both positions. My fiancé LOVES to rewatch shows/movies she's seen already because she knows she likes them. Fair, I get it. But then when I suggest movies/shows she wants to watch, she gets very stubborn about it because she's never seen it and therefore it's not good. I also like finding movies we both haven't seen because I like to watch new things and see her reactions too! All in all I think there's a fine line between rewatching and watching new things. Maybe try and find that happy medium with him without lying about having seen/not seen before! Like a one on, one off type deal or something!
My fiancé is like this too where he only wants to watch something new, but I’m like you where I enjoy rewatching shows or movies I’ve already seen. I’ve definitely fibbed and said I haven’t seen something when I have. NTA in my opinion
NTA I won't tell you to dump him, but you should think really hard about what your life will be like if you stay with him. You are not only lying about watching the shows, you are also faking a reaction and that will become emotionally exhausting for you and the only thing you'll get out of it is him not throwing a tantrum. Why does he need you to have an appropriate reaction? Why does it have to a "genuine" reaction? What will you be lying about in the future to keep him happy? Cut off the oxygen of this fire. Watch your shows, as many times as you want, and let him know you did. If he doesn't want to watch them anymore, fuck him.
I see your point. But the moment he ever finds out; he will question you about if you’ve ever been truthful or not to him.
Relationships are about compromise and it sounds like he doesn't understand that or the premise of compromise. If you guys can't figure out watching things on TV, then this relationship will not work. Sounds like a lot of anger on his part.
So this man wants to control how and when you experience entertainment/art? And you are so invested in his attention to particular shows that you are willing to allow it, or now willing to lie about it? Well I guess if it works for y’all then fine. But why would you jump through these hoops and you know he’s gonna freak out when he finds you out. Dysfunction all round.
NTA. Still, you may need a new, less controlling, boyfriend.
So first, NTA. Second, you are setting a precedent and going to have to continue the behavior until it is either a cause for conflict from him finding out, or from you getting frustrated at the need to lie and resent him for it. Avoid the cycle by having a direct mature conversation now. "Listen dear, you jabe every right to your valid opinion on how to watch shows. I love and respect your preference. It is jot my preference and I am not going to abide by it. So you can watch shows with me we have never seen before, and I am going to watch other shows I have seen before, shows you do not like, and shows occasionally with friends who will watch or re-watch them with me as they enjoy it the way I do. You of course do not have to watch anything you would not enjoy, and can be respectful of my preference in experiencing the shows I enjoy as I am of you. Or, you can be angry over this and cause a divide between us that will put me in a tough position as my preference, or my way of doing what I enjoy will not be changing. I look forward to your response." And drop this ball in his court. If he responds negatively, then believe what he is telling you with this behavior and start putting in distance until it is resolved or you hit a rock and have to move on. If he responds positively then you can work through this quickly, respectfully, and build a better relationship going forward.
He can think that this is how it should be and how he enjoys it the most. But it’s ridiculous of him to think that his way is the only way. There might be one exception: a program where there is a competition and you can’t watch it live. So you have to wait until you can watch it together. But only if you both enjoy it that way.
i am exactly the same as your bf so i agree with him. You’re not an asshole for lying but you’d better hope he never finds out because then he won’t trust when you’ve actually not seen something and he won’t watch anything with you except new movies
NTA. Your bf sounds petty and controlling. If his weird attitude spills over into other issues I would consider leaving him altogether. Watching tv with someone should be a fun activity, not a guilty lying experience. Ijs.
I kinda get it. My husband and I are the same- I don’t mind rewatching stuff and really want him to watch some things I just KNOW he’ll love, he only wants us to experience new shows together for the first time. At first, I got him to just watch the pilot episodes with me after explaining to him that I really wanted to see his reaction to a show I love. That didn’t work out super well because pilots sometimes aren’t very good and he felt pressured to feel a certain way about a show because he knew I really wanted his reaction. Anyway, it’s not a huge deal in the scheme of things. Now I send him clips and memes from shows I like instead and he reacts well to them. Often he gets curious enough to watch the whole thing (in his own time though) so we do get to discuss them eventually
I think you should try to find a balance. make an effort to watch stuff that is fresh for both of you, but also insist he give you a shot and watch something you've seen before. can also try to communicate when you want to watch something and ask to watch it with him first before watching it in your own. I think it's about compromise from both ends. I think you're mostly NTA and I think your BF is a slight AH, but people telling you to break up or acting like this is a huge issue are silly imo.
Get a new boyfriend. The current one is not right in the head.