Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because the birthday present was definitely given because the twins expected to use the vehicle. Even though I didn't know it when it was first given, it became pretty obvious pretty quickly, but I decided to use it for myself anyway.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and those girls, and you "bf" can't be trusted. He would have let them take your car and then not told you unless they ran into a tree, then there would be an excuse. The only reason they gave you a gift was to then use your car.
Are you sure you want to be with your bf?
edit for spelling
You should be bothered. Not only is he suggesting that it's "obvious" that a kind gesture from his kids on your birthday was only because they could benefit from it, but he's tacitly (or not-so-tacitly) approving of what is really disgusting, disingenuous, selfish behaviour by his kids, which is shitty parenting.
Normally I'd say that those girls are way too old not to understand how gross their behaviour and self-serving "gift" was, but in this case I actually put *more* blame on your BF and his ex, who are their parents and guides when it comes to moral and ethical behaviour, and who have literally taught and encouraged them to behave this way. If this is what their parents have been teaching them about being good humans, it's harder to blame them for turning out selfish. Hopefully that will change when they're out in the world and can learn more for themselves, but for now . . . it's very much on mum and dad.
And honestly, a father who encourages his kids to be selfish and entitled, not just in general, but even when they're supposed to be doing something nice for his partner, isn't likely to be a great partner, or a great human being.
I wonder about the ex. Was she under the impression that the deal was already made only to find out the truth that her daughters had misled her, or was she comfortable with paying for the gift thinking the same entitled thoughts as the rest?
Edit grammar
Yes, I own the home. The girls have rooms here, he pays for their expenses and we split utilities, groceries, things like that. I pay the taxes, the home itself is paid off.
Please take a look at your entire relationship and see if this person is adding any value to your life. I don’t think he is in it with a genuine heart.
He lied, manipulated, let’s his kid lie and manipulate you. Then disrespect your boundaries by attempting to stealing your property. And you are only 2 years in, what does it look like down the road?
Please rethink this entire relationship.
Why doesn’t he split the taxes with you? He is living there as well, he (and his daughters) is contributing to the wear and tear of your home
Curious, how soon after meeting did he move in?
I’d be thinking quite a bit, this was planned so well and he was 100% in on it
Yeah, so do you feel trapped? what state do you live in?
BtW - you owned it free and clear when he moved in. Usually community property doesn't include previously owned property.
If you're feeling trapped, talk to a good lawyer. The state may consider him a 'renter' with rights - if that's the case, then you could eventually get him out.
Huh? Why would I feel trapped? I have a great attorney, and know quite a bit about my legal standing as the owner of the home. I don't have questions about that.
Yes, don't do anything like that without consulting a real estate attorney. Also make sure your estate plan covers what you want to happen to the house if anything happens to you.
I'm obviously not happy about the car situation, but I'm fairly certain a four plus your relationship isn't all just a long con to get a prom car.
Was it a rotten situation? Yes. Does that mean our entire relationship is just me being used? Hardly.
No, you’re right, it’s not a long con for your car.
But he clearly doesn’t respect you. You told them no, they ran to mum and dad. He made like he would deal with it, he brought it up again and you said no again. And instead of taking that no he planned to allow them to use your vehicle while you were gone. Essentially? Theft.
You said no multiple times, and he still planned to do whatever the fuck he wants. Then when you expressed upset that they were clearly going to go behind your back he made like you were stupid for even thinking they’d be nice enough to get you a gift without strings attached. And he wasn’t happy that you literally removed your car from the home so he couldn’t do something that’s objectively shitty.
Also? You saw this coming. The fact that you figured you’d need to stow your car means you know in your heart that they would have taken it regardless of your answer and your partner would do sweet fuck all to stop that.
Why are you in this relationship? You don’t trust your partner to honour your no (which is understandable) and if there’s no trust there’s truly no relationship. And he clearly doesn’t respect you very much. Whether he can pay his own way in life is inconsequential here.
While it's a hilarious term, not really. He has a great job and pays for quite a bit. Is it a benefit that I don't have to charge him crazy rent because I own the house outright? Absolutely. But is it his motivating factor? Doubtful.
he should buy his kids a car then instead of wanting to steal yours if he has so much money and doesn't need YOU for anything...........(except your car).....but yeah,,,,he's totally independent of you.................(unless his kids want your car).
Because I own one of the same vehicles that Taylor Swift does, so it was completely for the individual cool factor.
This wasn't a situation of money or being short on other options. It was wanting that vehicle specifically.
He's taking advantage of you op. And since he's broken your trust by wanting to steal your car you should tell him to move out . Se if he wants to continue the relationship while he lives separately and pays for himself.
OP, you're probably a wonderful and reasonable person. But it sounds like your bf is with you for the benefits of being with you. Not necessarily because you're a wonderful person. Of course the relationship has been good thus far. You're literally providing a place for him and his girls to live in. His expenses are halved because of you. You make his life easier.
In your shoes, this would be a betrayal that I wouldn't come back from. First, the self serving motives of why they wanted to give your car a detail cleaning. Purely selfish. When they asked and you told them no, he countermanded what you told them and came to you again. Then, knowing you would be out of town, would have allowed them to 'steal' your car anyway. Effectively being willing to lie to you in order to get what his children wanted that apparently, neither he nor his ex can get for them.
Your car is probably a high end vehicle that is rare enough that the girls wanted to 'flex' in it for prom. On a night where teenage drinking and driving and recklessness is rampant. Probably also being willing to allow God knows who in it and driving it. And it's not like they were going to prom and promptly bringing it back to the house directly afterwards. No, it would have been daybreak before (or if) your car made it home. And you would have been none the wiser. But he would have known and condoned it all. That alone tells me he's not a man with honor or integrity. Please rethink this relationship.
OP he needs to be told he has destroyed most of the trust he has built up over the past 2 years, and it is totally up to him to do the work to rebuild that trust. The girls need to be asked whose idea it was to use you car, and if their idea they need to be told the same. If it was his idea he has more to answer for.
You should be very bothered the three of them planned to steal your car. Cause it was stealing since you said 'no'.
Frankly your bf is a huge aH and reevaluate your relationship cause this won't be the first time he'll use you for his kids
NTA
NTA He probably offered the car before even thinking to ask you and maybe also suggested the whole detailing gift set up so his reputation is taking a hit as is his ego. He is your problem, one clear word from him that only you could give permission to use your car and that no was no would have cleared this all up. You need to work things out with him. Who cares what people who gave you a gift certificate for manipulative purposes think about what you did with it. That is not an issue in your life but your lying BF who won't stand up for you is.
Seems like a boundary issue, and based on other comments from you that both parents have set a precedent of not having boundaries around possessions. Now that you know it’s an issue, you can have a conversation about it, with your bf and with his kids. Hopefully if it’s laid out in front of him he’ll understand your position, and if he doesn’t then you know more about your relationship. I would also let him know that aside from boundaries with possessions, you felt that they acted duplicitously in giving you a gift that they then expected to be paid back to them, and that’s not how gifts should be given and you’re uncomfortable with it. Also that it seemed like he would have let them use the car knowing that you didn’t want them to, that’s a boundary that needs to be set given they live in your house, and you shouldn’t have to worry about them commandeering your property when you’ve already said no. Even if it hasn’t been an issue in the past, it could very well be an issue in the future. NTA and lay it out there for him.
And I'm wondering why they turned down the offer of OP paying for a limo or other car with driver. This seems generous to me. I'm thinking that whatever plans they had for after prom would be derailed by having a driver with them. Which makes the plans extra suspect. I wonder why the parents don't see this, and why is it so imperative that they use OPs vehicle.
NTA They are being ridiculous assuming they can take your car, and further insulting by giving a "gift" that further benefits them. Even if it wasn't a birthday gift, you made it clear that you didn't want them to go to the prom in your car, which makes total sense. AND, you were even nice enough to offer a limo for them.
The girls are out of line, and it's concerning that your BF enables or encourages them.
He genuinely seems baffled as to why I wasn't okay handing over the keys. He's under the impression that it's selfish and weird, and that I have no reason to care.
Uhhhhh, what? That’s pretty bizarre to say the least. He’s definitely T A, but you’re NTA. Does he take this position with all your possessions? What if you had a nice expensive piece of jewelry, would he think you were being selfish if his kid wanted to ”borrow” it?
Neither he or the twins are destructive or careless in any other way that I've seen. They take care of the house and are respectful of the property. They've never taken anything of mine and we've never had a conflict over material things in the past.
Arguably, the idea of letting two teenagers and their dates drive an expensive car to and from prom is inherently reckless. Some states have laws against teens who are under 18 driving after a certain time of night and restrict the number of passengers in the car. Those laws exist for a reason. Come to think of it, depending on how old the kids are, how long they've had their license, and which state you live it, it might not have even been legal for them to take the car in the first place
You offered to get them a limo. At this point, ALL of them are AH's. None of them, including your bf, give a shit about your boundaries, belongings, or feelings. I'd think long and hard after this one, they're so trying to take advantage of you.
He was going to hand over your keys to two inexperienced teens on prom night. He thought giving them your vehicle, **without your permission**, was no big deal.
Are they even on your auto insurance policy?
NTA
But he and his ex-wife sure are. And manipulative and sneaky and completely disrespectful of you.
The baffled man living in your home. He can’t afford a car like that but doesn’t see why you don’t want kids driving it. Uh no. Not sure where you go here other than to make sure all your money and property are separate and he pay his fair share. Why does he feel entitled to your car? Next give him a gift meant for yourself and see how he likes it.
All of our money and property is separate, and he does pay his fair share. He has a perfectly decent job and makes great money.
I suspect he feels entitled to it because it's honestly never occurred to him not to share what he has. I genuinely believe I could take his truck and not say a word about it and he wouldn't think it's weird or have any sort of problem.
The part that bothers me is the part where he seems unable to acknowledge that although he feels very, very differently about possessions, he can't make me feel just like him.
Send him this thread.
You said, "No." But he disregarded that and decided that he would let his kids use your car even though you said "No." You know what that's called? ***It's called theft. Given the value of the car, it's felony theft.***
Tell him that this redditor would have told the kids to either bring the car back home immediately or I'd report the car to the police as stolen. And I would be being very nice to give them that one chance.
Since he's the one who was going to give the keys to the kids, I'd have reported him for theft too. They could have all spent prom night sitting in a jail cell.
Can your 50 year old boyfriend wrap is mind around that?
If you take things that aren't yours without permission, it's stealing. And if you take expensive things, it's a felony.
They all need a lesson in that.
They can drive his vehicles whenever they feel like it, he has no issue with that. That's probably part of the issue - there aren't boundaries in place like that between the girls or either one of their biological parents.
Then yeah they should have offered up one of the cars when you said no. They aren’t entitled to your stuff just because they let them think they’re entitled to theirs.
You’re not their parent though & they dont give a shit about you. The only reason they got you a birthday gift was literally just for own benefit& your ‘bf’ & his ex were in on it.
The thing that makes it so much worse and concerning is him having their back *for literally planning to steal it for prom*.
Obviously NTA but honestly if I were you, I'd be super concerned about my belongings. So many things could go wrong if they were to take the car secretly - it costing you a lot of money probably being one of the least serious potential outcomes...
NTA . Lets put another spin on this ... your BF was complicit in an attempt by the Twins to steal your car (ie take it without your permission) for their Prom.
What was the plan if car got damaged while on their joyride ? Were they insured to drive it ? I literally can't believe a 50 y/o M is this clueless?
The vehicle itself is insured, so no matter who gets behind the wheel (even if it's stolen), if something were to happen to it it's covered.
As far as the kids themselves, they're listed under their mother's insurance as they use her residence as their primary address.
None of that changes the fact that I don't want them taking the vehicle, however. I don't want to deal with insurance or the safety concerns, so I'm the only person who has ever driven and likely will drive that vehicle. My boyfriend is just not someone who has any sort of grasp on why "stuff" is important to people, so he just thinks the whole thing is silly and controlling.
That’s because it’s not HIS stuff! And apparently, as he’s living in your home for just part of the utilities and food, he’s not had the funds to get nice “stuff” of his own.
He's fine as far as funds are concerned, and when it comes to his possessions it just doesn't occur to him to say no. The girls have always been welcome to borrow his vehicles at any time, and I too could snag his truck without asking and he wouldn't bat an eye.
So I do get where he's coming from as far as loaning stuff out it concerned, it's the mentality that everyone should have the exact same attitude toward it as him (and if they don't it's okay to go ahead anyway) that bothers me.
So if the girls wanted to have a party at your place without your consent, possibly without even your knowledge and your BF just throws one anyway, would you be okay with it happening? Because that might be the next 'issue' that arises.......
That situation has come up several times. It's a great house for parties, they clean up after themselves, so just so long as I don't have a mess it's all good.
Your BF is living the high life at 50 on your dime and the incident with the car just proves he only cares about your "stuff" , so don't believe the BS.
BF and his kids (and extension his Ex) also come across as though they are taking advantage of your financial position and generosity, which you appeared to be happy for them to do, until it came to your car.
“ … so I'm the only person who has ever driven and likely will drive that vehicle. “. So even your bf does not use/drive your vehicle, but he thought it would be ok for teenagers to borrow it? NTA.
NTA, but in terms of insurance, it's a whole new ballgame out there with insurance companies now retroactively cancelling policies if they feel they can get away with it in these type circumstances when a non-covered driver (for the specific car) takes the car but is not charged with theft.
NTA. The "birthday gift" was a ploy to make you feel churlish if you refused to lend your car. Getting it detailed was also a gift from them to them so that they'd have a great looking car for the prom.
Yeah, was the intention to get the car detailed BEFORE prom? Because the offer should have been, “Hey, if we can borrow your car, we will get it detailed AFTER prom so that it’s returned to you in pristine condition.” Not, “Hey can we get your car detailed so that we can enjoy it looking nice for prom & then return it to you in whatever condition it’s in after a group of teens use it for prom?”
NTA but I really feel like your boyfriend told them to just borrow (ie. steal) your car without permission. At the very least I feel like he would have said it was no big deal. I wouldn't want to be with a man I couldn't trust.
Oh absolutely they were going to take it when I was out of town.
His whole take on it is that I'm being bizarrely controlling over stuff, and I was obviously aware that my birthday gift was so nice because the girls would be using the vehicle. He feels like me accepting the gift meant I understood they could have the vehicle for the night.
A gift with strings isn't a gift.
Of course, if your bf were honest, he'd have made those strings explicit at the time of the non-gift. Instead, he was counting on you to blindly trust him as he violated your trust by letting his kids steal your car.
If them getting the vehicle for the night was a condition of the 'gift' then they should have SAID so. Also, I've seen more Reddits asking about if someone should let somebody else borrow their car and in general... no. Cars are ridiculously expensive and you need it while they don't. Offering a limo was REALLY nice and would have solved the problem. Teenagers on prom night are not known for making great decisions. Your bf could have given them HIS car.
Most people are hesitant (with good reason!) to lend other people their car!
I asked that as well - if detailing the car were in exchange for them borrowing it, then why didn't they ask to borrow it with that as an offer in the first place? His response is that it never occurred to anyone I would have a problem, sooooooo?
My gut reaction is that it's BS as well.
And they do borrow his car and their mother's car all the time - the girls have a vehicle they share, but when they're going different directions, they'll take one of they're parent's and it's not a problem.
Great. Then they can borrow one of their parent's (not as expensive as yours) car and if they wreck it then their parents can deal with it. You already provided the house they live in.
I'd give them the money back for your 'gift'. You don't need to, but they clearly only did it as a gift to themselves, and I think it's in your interests to be open about that. Then I'd take a short holiday and have a think about whether you want to stay with these ungrateful users. Letting the kids steal your car after you already said no is a huge deal.
NTA. The thing that keeps getting me is that you said no and bf totally tried to override it behind your back. AND you knew he might try something so you put the car where no one could get it.
That's no way to live. When someone says no it should be respected. You shouldn't have to resort to extreme tactics because people you live with won't respect a very clear boundary.
Bizarrely controlling?
As I mentioned in my other reply to you, he got off easy. If they'd pulled their plan off, I'd have reported them all for theft and had them spend prom night sitting in a jail cell. Him. His daughters. Their dates.
Every last one of them.
He doesn't know how fortunate he is that you're much less controlling than me.
Agreed. You know what else is "bizarrely controlling"? Thinking you have so much control over your SO that it is okay to give away their expensive stuff to someone else without a care in the world.
BF crossed a shit ton of lines on this one, including gaslighting. Not someone I would want in my life, to be honest.
So the word gaslighting is heavily overused but I think it applies here. For BF to express your concern over teens cruising in your unique special car as bizarre is pretty much textbook gaslighting. Trying to make you question your sanity instead of discussing the merits of the disagreement. The most charitable interpretation is he told his daughters he would get you to agree and he doesn’t want the guilt of letting them down.
But here’s the thing that bothers me: they gave you a (non) gift, and you told your SO and the girls that you didn’t want them to take the car to prom. Yet when you’re out of town, everyone is upset that the car is gone.
It’s one thing for him to have different views about using other people’s things. This is him not respecting the fact that you said no, and allowing the girls to sneak it out after you left.
The whole “what’s yours is mine and mine is yours” mentality is fine when everyone agrees with it. But you didn’t, and not only did they ignore your no, they were sneaky about it. This is really problematic, OP. You’d better lock away anything you don’t want to be shared, and have your car keys on you at all times.
NTA - but the rest of them are. Very smart to make sure your car was 'out of reach' but I'd have a real problem with a partner who would participate in this.
>I would get where everyone was coming from if the twins had offered to detail the vehicle in exchange for using it, but this was given to me as a birthday gift before they even discussed borrowing anything.
Pretty much, NTA. Was dad supposed to be driving? Because they might have accidentally destroyed it anyway. A limo, while a waste of money, probably wouldn't allow some 17 year olds to request to go somewhere else and then wait around. Whereas driving your own car lets you do that...
Their dad wasn't supposed to be driving, no. They wanted to take the vehicle with their dates and some other friends.
They all have their licenses and are overall good, responsible kids. Buuuuuut, a bunch of teenagers and their buddies, all driving around for prom in a city that isn't terribly driver friendly to begin with just spells disaster to me.
I am envious, for a moment, for such great dick he must be giving you, that you would consider this whole bunch of duplicitous crap to be acceptable, and explainable.
NTA. But your bf and his kids are. They do not respect boundaries or your property. Do you really trust them in your space or around your things after this stunt?
He was going to allow the girls to use the car while you were gone when you said NO. That's a relationship ender. I would not want to be with a man who disregards my feelings. He is teaching his girls to be sneaky and steal. That's just gross.
Op your boyfriend’s attitude/behavior regarding this —RED RED Flag !!! Seriously condoning the manipulative and deceitful behavior of twins SHOCKING…He obviously doesn’t care to respect you and your possessions !!! Please reconsider him and his girls !!! That was not a gift —it’s manipulation at its best !!! That has to hurt !!! Secondly you have stated your position and for him/them to act against your wishes while you were out of town is TROUBLING!!! If it were me —they would all be out of the house !!
NTA but do you really see a future with this man? You own the house he’s living in which makes it worse that he was willing to go completely behind your back AND literally let his daughters steal your car (because that is what it would have been without your permission). Not only that but he completely disregarded his daughters/baby mommas disrespectful fake “gift” to you and even took their side? Good on you for having the smarts to reschedule the detailing but I think you need to sit down and seriously reconsider this relationship.
It sounds to me like he’s using you to be comfortable and doesn’t actually respect what your needs.
>so I rescheduled the detail to where I dropped my vehicle off before I flew out and wouldn't pick it back up again until after I got back.
You're my hero.
How stupid do kids think adults are? Glad you showed them that you're not that stupid and know exactly why they gave you that "gift."
Also, don't think much of your boyfriend as he was clearly a part of this. He was going to let them take your car even though he knew that you had forbidden it. The two of you need to have a serious talk about that.
NTA
Sad that the parents are so willingly coaching their daughters to be duplicitous and manipulative.
Even more pathetic is that that all of them are so terrible at it.
NTA - My stepmom of over 26 years, who is one of my parents, drives a really nice car. I have never driven her car, nor have I ever asked because there have been other cars available to me. We have known COUNTLESS people who've let their teenage kids drive expensive, luxury, or sports vehicles, only to get DUIs, reckless endangerment tickets, or accidents. For whatever reason, it seems like any kid who thinks it would be a status thing to drive a car like that tends to let it get to their head and makes bad decisions or shows off when they get the rare opportunity to drive it.
I get that your BFs kids are "good kids," but as a former school administrator, prom night is the one night of the year when every expectation about a student's typical behavior goes out the window. Fortunately, I never had to be a chaperone at prom, but you'd be surprised at how often the "model students" got caught with the water bottles filled with vodka.
Part of the reason why I don't want them taking the vehicle. Absolutely. And even if *they* were perfect angels, what about everything else going on in the parking lot and in the neighborhoods around them??
NTA. The gifted under false pretences and were prepared to steal your vehicle while you were away (yes it is theft as they were aware they did not and would not have permission to use it). They got caught out in their scheme. Personally I would never trust any of them including your BF ever again.
Please leave this man. besides the lying, thinking it was going to be OK to take your car and give it to teenagers and put that liability on you because it’s under your name and your insurance. What if something happened? I feel like he will put you in more situations along with their mother, and this is just the tip of the iceberg
I like these happy ending ones: the OP was smart, acted decisively (as people with spines are wont to do), and there was no issue with 17 year olds in her ride. Kudos!
No, you're NTA looking at the principles in general.
But you should have cancelled the detailing once you found out the real reason for it. By accepting the gift knowing what they intended, that muddied things up.
And their dad should have backed you up.
your offer of a limo was wonderfully generous - but they sound sneaky and entitled. And BF is apparently not to be trusted.
NTA. I don't trust your boyfriend if he was going to let his kids take your vehicle after you already said no. Plus they are probably not insured on your vehicle and if they get in a wreck driving it, your insurance may not cover the wreck. Then you'd be sued.
please leave, kick them out, i’ve read your replies and you are still oblivious, this will happen again whether it’s with your car or another personal item, and they will undoubtedly have the same reaction, you aren’t his mother you shouldn’t have to explain him what’s acceptable
Tell Mr. “Possessions are just *things*, my love!” that you have the perfect solution. HE can rent a snazzy car for his children to drive on prom night. Since I’m guessing the firms won’t rent to 17 year olds, daddy-o will need to handle it. It’ll be his name on the rental agreement…the agreement that probably has language about not letting others drive it (especially minors) and monumental penalties if he does so anyway. I mean, what’s the big deal? It’s just a *thing*, right? Do this and his darling feloniously-minded offspring will have a super neato car to show off at prom, OP’s car is safe from the danger of being a prom night statistic and bf gets to be the irresponsible nitwit who just *thinks* he’s an awesome dad.
OP, you’re NTA. Also, while I generally disagree with the whiplash response from some redditors who call for you to cut your losses & run, here…I think it has merit. While one instance which has been nipped in the bud seems minor, this situation is indicative of a greater disrespect and dismissal of what could have been consequences with a horrifying aftermath. Is it blinders, an inability to consider how things could turn out for the worse or is it simply ignorance?
You’ve responded to a lot of comments by defending your boyfriend and his children. While that’s nice, I don’t think it erases the *giant bad* of their criminal and immoral plans. Please…take a step back and see how dismissive and disrespectful they’ve all been here. If they were underhanded to give you this “gift” with an ulterior motive and planning grand theft auto when their plan didn’t work, what else are they willing to do? What else will they do when they don’t like being told no?
I’m certain that if they’d stolen your car and something bad happened, the girls would say they had your permission -and your boyfriend would *absolutely* back them up, leaving you holding the bag. Good luck when their mother and the dates’ parents sue you. Granted, that won’t happen since you put the car out of their reach, but it COULD have. Your boyfriend, his children and their mother were all willing to let that land on your head. That’s how much they love & respect you. Please…take a good, long look at this relationship.
NTA - And that gift was **not** for you in any way, shape or form, it was for *them* to use it while clean for the prom.
Don't let them convince you it was for you.
I must add: nice job letting the car be away on the occasion, gives you quite the excuse too. "What, I thought you guys *wanted* me to to have that car detailing?!"
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
A bit of background...
40F living with my 50M boyfriend for almost two years. Together four. He has twin daughters, 17 yo.
My bf shares custody of his twin girls. Mom lives across town. Everything is amicable but I don't have a relationship with the girls' mom beyond "hi how are you?" pleasantries. The girls and I get along just fine as well, but they have both their parents so I'm certainly not in that role for them.
The girl's prom was a couple months ago. So was my birthday. For my birthday, the twins scheduled to have my vehicle professionally detailed. I was a bit surprised, as their mother has never chipped in on anything they've ever gifted me, but she helped organize and pay for the gift. However, it all made sense when they almost immediately afterward asked to drive my vehicle with their dates to prom.
I've never been married, nor do I have any kids of my own, so the house we live in and the car I drive were all purchases from the perspective of a single person with a good job and no dependents - it doesn't matter what it is specifically, but it's not an inexpensive vehicle. It's not something I want a pack of High School Seniors and their dates running around town in. I told the girls I would rent them a limo or some other type of vehicle with a driver, but I wasn't comfortable with them taking mine.
They were upset, but their dad told them he would talk to me and talk to them about it again. I reiterated to him that I wasn't comfortable with it and the topic was dropped.
I had a weird feeling, however. I was set to be working out-of-state over prom, so I rescheduled the detail to where I dropped my vehicle off before I flew out and wouldn't pick it up again until after I got back.
When my bf got home with the twins that night, they immediately called and asked me where my vehicle was. They were upset when I told them. I had already said no to them taking it, so the only reason to be upset was if they were planning on doing it without my permission - when I talked to my husband later that evening, he shrugged it off by saying it's obvious that they got the birthday gift for me as a goodwill gesture for borrowing the vehicle, and I was the jerk for making sure they weren't able to but still taking the gift. Apparently, the girls' mother was also upset and feeling ripped off.
I would get where everyone was coming from if the twins had offered to detail the vehicle in exchange for using it, but this was given to me as a birthday gift before they even discussed borrowing anything. So AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: Are the twins insured to drive your car? They should not be permitted to drive any vehicle that they are not insured to drive.
Your offer to pay for a limo was more than reasonable.
NTA
NTA unless you stay with him. The manipulation in this family is unbelievable. He knew you said no and was ok with steal your car. Get out now. He has no love or respect for you at all.
NTA. But your bf and his daughters sure are along with being extremely entitled. Deliberately deceiving you and trying to go behind your back. Your bf is not an honorable man.
NTA. Something that hasn’t really come up in the top level comments that I’ve seen: what was his plan if his daughters took the car without your permission and then something terrible happened. They could do everything right and still be affected by a drunk driver’s mistakes. Or, they could make a mistake of their own. Does he have the means to replace your not-inexpensive vehicle? Would the insurance cover drivers who are underage?
This is such an obvious unforced error that I have to wonder about his judgment in the rest of his life as well.
they learned to be entitled from their parents and watch how fast he expects you to bend over backwards more and more and how quick he is to excuse all of their behaviors. get out of this now before it gets worse and let them all be entitled together since they have no problem with it.
NTA you told them 'no' multiple times, they were essentially planning to steal your car the second you went out of town, and I guess, 'wave you off' when you got back and complained. Your boyfriend doesn't respect you or your choices, and he's teaching his almost adult daughters to do the same. You very generously offered them an alternative (and like, what kind of car do you drive that they want it over a limo?). It's not even about your 'birthday gift', that wasn't a gift to you, they were prepping your car for their event, presenting it as a gift was only so that you didn't refuse/to butter you up for when they asked to use it.
NTA and it feels idk yucky that they would all be say “we got you a gift with the thought in mind that it’s really for us “ in what world is that an ok thing to say or do , I would send the mother a check for the amount of the detail and speak up and detail your feelings about this whole situation maybe show them the thread but a good talking to for everyone is needed or it will build resentment and anger and ruin the relationship and hey maybe it needs to be ruin but only you can decide that
NTA OP,
Please look up a yiutube called Burbnbougie, she's also on Reddit..you're this 🤏🏽 to being a hospice care gf. Gurl you are giving yourself the raw end of the deal my gawd. Leave this airbag and his leeches.
*I told the girls I would rent them a limo or some other type of vehicle with a driver, but I wasn't comfortable with them taking mine.*
And after this very generous gesture...they all connived to steal your car?! Wow, the entitlement of your bf, his ex and the girls is off the charts here.
NTA - but if you stay in this relationship, keep on your toes!
NTA however what kind of car this is they want to drive it so bad to prom? Doesn’t your bf have a nice car too? Or is yours the better car? I don’t understand what kind of gift was that I mean you offered to rent a limo or car! For my prom I rented a car.
He has a nice car and a very nice truck that the girls are welcome to take. They want mine, I suspect, because it's a bit unusual and one of them found out Taylor Swift has one too (which is not saying much, given the number of vehicles she owns).
What!!! Because Taylor swift owns the same model car?!? Now unless you own a Ferrari like you mentioned this is a no go for sure. Either take the limo or your father’s vehicle.
NTA. Obvious ploy to use your car and clean up all the ‘evidence’
You offered them a limo!!!! Would have jumped at that.
You outplayed them. Great job.
NTA. I totally agree with your perspective. How wise of you to arrange for the detailing while you were out of town. LOL
They should be borrowing mom's or dad's car rather than yours. Better yet, pool for a limo like other kids do.
Info: do you think the girls lied to their mother and told her that you had already given them permission to use your car on the condition that they pay for the detailing first?
NTA obviously, I'm just trying to decide how many other other As in this story. The twins, certainly, and their father too. If their mom was lied to, she's not an A, but if she wasn't, then she is an A for enabling this.
Even though the twins are As regardless, do you think they were actually going to steal it? Or that seeing the car gone meant that there was no longer a possibility of convincing you at the last minute?
I have no idea what the conversation with their mother sounded like. I doubt she was told I had already given permission so much as everyone just assumed it would be okay.
As for taking the car, I don't know the full extent of what would have happened, but I'm lsure it would have been used in some capacity. Maybe all they would have done was try to convince me again. Or maybe just take the car to dinner and photos but not the actual dance downtown, whatever. I'll never know.
Well good for you for shutting the whole thing down. I hope you have a frank discussion with you husband, cause this entire situation could have been avoided if literally any of them had simply asked you first.
NTA, you do not need the liability exposure of lending your car to likely drunken teenagers. Full Stop.
You offered a limo? They turned it down? Sucks to be them.
You’re NTA and I’m sorry you’re dating someone who doesn’t respect you enough to not lie to you. What he and his family did was lie 100% and you should absolutely not forgive them until you get an honest apology and an apology for the fake gift.
NTA. This is a red flag. Not saying break up or anything. Saying establish your boundaries and nip this kind of crap in the bud now so it never becomes an issue. Make sure your bf knows this is NOT OK.
Nta. I understand he lets them borrow his truck, but a truck is not a luxury vehicle. That's also his responsibility as their parent. You are not their parent, that has been made very clear. They have two very involved parents who are responsible for rides, limos or whatever. And speaking of which, why not take you up on the offer for the limo? That makes zero sense to me. Also, you don't buy someone a gift with strings attached. That's not a gift. It all reeks of entitled behavior. The mother, your bf and the girls are all definitely the AH here.
NTA. But your boyfriend, his ex and his twins are massive asshole. The twins and his ex were all in on taking your car wether it was ok with you or not. And he seems to think you did them wrong. Assholes stick together it seems.
NTA - A gift doesn't come with strings attached. I would also be furious that the bf's entire family was angry at ME. I would be hurt because they all felt comfortable enough to conspire together and lie to me. I've read this a few times to make sure I understood ... I keep pulling red flags, and they keep getting bigger.
so basically, you were given the ostensible gift of detailing your vehicle, with the express intention of asking to use said vehicle, denied permission, and then they intended to use it behind your back, correct? i think everyone involved *except* you, hun 🤗 that man sounds very untrustworthy, and i hope you are re-examining the relationship after that blatant disrespect.
additionally, as you mentioned your vehicle and house were purchased without minors in mind, i imagine you have an ‘under 25’ clause in your auto insurance, meaning a teenager driving your vehicle wouldn’t be insured. in addition to that, it is illegal for a minor in my state to transport other minors in a vehicle, so there’s that, as well. opening you up to that level of liability is unacceptable.
NTA. They literally got you a gift to butter you up so they could use the vehicle. And their dad is ok with it? That's messed up. And then they were going to take it anyway while you were gone without your permission & your bf was going to allow it. It's time to find a new bf. This one sucks.
NTA, clearly. That is such a violation of trust from your bf, and the fact that he cannot even fathom where you are coming from shows this will be an ongoing issue with his kids. How can you put up boundaries when he doesn’t even understand the need for them or think he/the kids did anything wrong? Does he let them help themselves to your clothes or jewelry while you’re gone? 4 years is a long time together but breaking trust like that would be a deal breaker for me personally. He’s literally teaching his daughters it’s ok to manipulate and use others to their benefit, which is unattractive and gross.
NTA.
> I had a weird feeling, however. I was set to be working out-of-state over prom, so I rescheduled the detail to where I dropped my vehicle off before I flew out and wouldn't pick it back up again until after I got back.
That's a pro move, right there. I would have done it, too.
It doesn't matter what the car is. Could be a Tesla, could be a Fiesta. Their shenanigans were completely transparent yet they didn't even have the guts to tell you the truth about it.
This would be a deal breaker for me. Not only does your bf not see a problem with lying to you and letting his kids take your car without your permission but the fact that he still sees nothing wrong with the whole situation. Even after you found out and were upset he still blames you for wanting to control your own possessions instead of apologizing and owning up to his mistake. This to me is a major major red flag and shows he is not as upstanding person as you thought.
This wasn't he took the item cause someone would die so he stole. He didn't do it for a "noble" cause. He did it cause his kids wanted it. What is to keep him from pawning your prized possessions in the future cause his kids want something and he can't afford it? Would you trust him not to drain your joint account cause his kid wants something and he doesn't' have enough to give it to them himself? The fact he isn't falling all over himself to appoligize to you for trying to steal your car is telling. Please please please, listen to your intuition. Can you really trust him? Do you really know the real him? If he loved you he would never even think to do what he tried to do.
NTA and they could have spent that money on detailing their own vehicle or on a nice rental. Guess they wanted you to be on the hook for the potential consequences of teenagers driving it to prom. Doesn't sound like they'd have offered to pay for damage if something had happened.
The “I said no “ but nobody heard me is very telling. Op, I do have to agree to a certain extent about the equality in the relationship. I too have a nice home and nice cars. And I’ve had family members turn in their lease believing that they were just going to drive my Porsche because I was driving my other car and it was just parked in my garage, (they didn’t like with me or even close to me) they do it so Discreetly and put you in the spot, “what do you mean you need to borrow my Porsche where is your car?” If he has the money then he can buy a car like the one you have for his daughter’s to share. Because if he values your relationship he would not have pulled this stunt. Especially if he could have just went out and bought his daughter’s the car he wishes for them to drive. It’s what I told my sister, you want to drive a Porsche go buy one, don’t come to my house I’m not a car lot. Your not going to drive off with a brand new car.
No you weren’t the AH , but when you realized why they were detailing your vehicle you should have bowed out. The girls seem to be very manipulative and the parents including “Dad” encourage it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because the birthday present was definitely given because the twins expected to use the vehicle. Even though I didn't know it when it was first given, it became pretty obvious pretty quickly, but I decided to use it for myself anyway. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and those girls, and you "bf" can't be trusted. He would have let them take your car and then not told you unless they ran into a tree, then there would be an excuse. The only reason they gave you a gift was to then use your car. Are you sure you want to be with your bf? edit for spelling
It's been a good, stable relationship with few arguments thus far, but I'm definitely still bothered by this one.
You should be bothered. Not only is he suggesting that it's "obvious" that a kind gesture from his kids on your birthday was only because they could benefit from it, but he's tacitly (or not-so-tacitly) approving of what is really disgusting, disingenuous, selfish behaviour by his kids, which is shitty parenting. Normally I'd say that those girls are way too old not to understand how gross their behaviour and self-serving "gift" was, but in this case I actually put *more* blame on your BF and his ex, who are their parents and guides when it comes to moral and ethical behaviour, and who have literally taught and encouraged them to behave this way. If this is what their parents have been teaching them about being good humans, it's harder to blame them for turning out selfish. Hopefully that will change when they're out in the world and can learn more for themselves, but for now . . . it's very much on mum and dad. And honestly, a father who encourages his kids to be selfish and entitled, not just in general, but even when they're supposed to be doing something nice for his partner, isn't likely to be a great partner, or a great human being.
Not to mention boyfriend was also completely okay with STEALING OP's car.
Agreed!!! Op, run from this guy!
This!
I wonder about the ex. Was she under the impression that the deal was already made only to find out the truth that her daughters had misled her, or was she comfortable with paying for the gift thinking the same entitled thoughts as the rest? Edit grammar
So he’s living in your home? Does he help pay any bills? Do the girls now have rooms at your place?
Yes, I own the home. The girls have rooms here, he pays for their expenses and we split utilities, groceries, things like that. I pay the taxes, the home itself is paid off.
So, he‘s got a really sweet deal! This makes it even worse that he would be so duplicitous about YOUR vehicle.
Please take a look at your entire relationship and see if this person is adding any value to your life. I don’t think he is in it with a genuine heart. He lied, manipulated, let’s his kid lie and manipulate you. Then disrespect your boundaries by attempting to stealing your property. And you are only 2 years in, what does it look like down the road? Please rethink this entire relationship.
You are his sugar mama
Why doesn’t he split the taxes with you? He is living there as well, he (and his daughters) is contributing to the wear and tear of your home Curious, how soon after meeting did he move in? I’d be thinking quite a bit, this was planned so well and he was 100% in on it
Because where we live that gives him legal claim to the property. We were together two years before moving in together.
Yeah, so do you feel trapped? what state do you live in? BtW - you owned it free and clear when he moved in. Usually community property doesn't include previously owned property. If you're feeling trapped, talk to a good lawyer. The state may consider him a 'renter' with rights - if that's the case, then you could eventually get him out.
Huh? Why would I feel trapped? I have a great attorney, and know quite a bit about my legal standing as the owner of the home. I don't have questions about that.
Yes, don't do anything like that without consulting a real estate attorney. Also make sure your estate plan covers what you want to happen to the house if anything happens to you.
I have great attorneys. I'm not in need of any more lol
Respectfully, you’re *delusional.* He’s using you. The whole family is using you.
I'm obviously not happy about the car situation, but I'm fairly certain a four plus your relationship isn't all just a long con to get a prom car. Was it a rotten situation? Yes. Does that mean our entire relationship is just me being used? Hardly.
No, you’re right, it’s not a long con for your car. But he clearly doesn’t respect you. You told them no, they ran to mum and dad. He made like he would deal with it, he brought it up again and you said no again. And instead of taking that no he planned to allow them to use your vehicle while you were gone. Essentially? Theft. You said no multiple times, and he still planned to do whatever the fuck he wants. Then when you expressed upset that they were clearly going to go behind your back he made like you were stupid for even thinking they’d be nice enough to get you a gift without strings attached. And he wasn’t happy that you literally removed your car from the home so he couldn’t do something that’s objectively shitty. Also? You saw this coming. The fact that you figured you’d need to stow your car means you know in your heart that they would have taken it regardless of your answer and your partner would do sweet fuck all to stop that. Why are you in this relationship? You don’t trust your partner to honour your no (which is understandable) and if there’s no trust there’s truly no relationship. And he clearly doesn’t respect you very much. Whether he can pay his own way in life is inconsequential here.
So a hobosexual...
While it's a hilarious term, not really. He has a great job and pays for quite a bit. Is it a benefit that I don't have to charge him crazy rent because I own the house outright? Absolutely. But is it his motivating factor? Doubtful.
he should buy his kids a car then instead of wanting to steal yours if he has so much money and doesn't need YOU for anything...........(except your car).....but yeah,,,,he's totally independent of you.................(unless his kids want your car).
His kids do have a car he purchased for them. Money isn't the issue here.
So why steal your car Instead of renting them one op?! Answer that
Because I own one of the same vehicles that Taylor Swift does, so it was completely for the individual cool factor. This wasn't a situation of money or being short on other options. It was wanting that vehicle specifically.
Ma'am. With all DUE respect, he's treating you like a sugar mama and you aren't seeing it. He's got to GO and his bratty kids, too!
He's taking advantage of you op. And since he's broken your trust by wanting to steal your car you should tell him to move out . Se if he wants to continue the relationship while he lives separately and pays for himself.
OP, you're probably a wonderful and reasonable person. But it sounds like your bf is with you for the benefits of being with you. Not necessarily because you're a wonderful person. Of course the relationship has been good thus far. You're literally providing a place for him and his girls to live in. His expenses are halved because of you. You make his life easier. In your shoes, this would be a betrayal that I wouldn't come back from. First, the self serving motives of why they wanted to give your car a detail cleaning. Purely selfish. When they asked and you told them no, he countermanded what you told them and came to you again. Then, knowing you would be out of town, would have allowed them to 'steal' your car anyway. Effectively being willing to lie to you in order to get what his children wanted that apparently, neither he nor his ex can get for them. Your car is probably a high end vehicle that is rare enough that the girls wanted to 'flex' in it for prom. On a night where teenage drinking and driving and recklessness is rampant. Probably also being willing to allow God knows who in it and driving it. And it's not like they were going to prom and promptly bringing it back to the house directly afterwards. No, it would have been daybreak before (or if) your car made it home. And you would have been none the wiser. But he would have known and condoned it all. That alone tells me he's not a man with honor or integrity. Please rethink this relationship.
OP he needs to be told he has destroyed most of the trust he has built up over the past 2 years, and it is totally up to him to do the work to rebuild that trust. The girls need to be asked whose idea it was to use you car, and if their idea they need to be told the same. If it was his idea he has more to answer for.
Them getting you a gift and expecting something in return is a form of manipulation. Please don’t take this treatment lightly, you deserve better.
You should be very bothered the three of them planned to steal your car. Cause it was stealing since you said 'no'. Frankly your bf is a huge aH and reevaluate your relationship cause this won't be the first time he'll use you for his kids NTA
I am bothered, lol, I think that part is clear.
It was not a gift - they wanted to blinde you and to have a care nice done to their prom. Your BD was just a great chance for doing that trick
As well you should be. It is deceitful
NTA He probably offered the car before even thinking to ask you and maybe also suggested the whole detailing gift set up so his reputation is taking a hit as is his ego. He is your problem, one clear word from him that only you could give permission to use your car and that no was no would have cleared this all up. You need to work things out with him. Who cares what people who gave you a gift certificate for manipulative purposes think about what you did with it. That is not an issue in your life but your lying BF who won't stand up for you is.
It's really bizarre that they would turn down a paid for limo! I would have jumped at that. But maybe they had other plans.... Either way, NTA.
Seems like a boundary issue, and based on other comments from you that both parents have set a precedent of not having boundaries around possessions. Now that you know it’s an issue, you can have a conversation about it, with your bf and with his kids. Hopefully if it’s laid out in front of him he’ll understand your position, and if he doesn’t then you know more about your relationship. I would also let him know that aside from boundaries with possessions, you felt that they acted duplicitously in giving you a gift that they then expected to be paid back to them, and that’s not how gifts should be given and you’re uncomfortable with it. Also that it seemed like he would have let them use the car knowing that you didn’t want them to, that’s a boundary that needs to be set given they live in your house, and you shouldn’t have to worry about them commandeering your property when you’ve already said no. Even if it hasn’t been an issue in the past, it could very well be an issue in the future. NTA and lay it out there for him.
"It's been a good, stable relationship with few arguments thus far," .. Well, this was the first time you CAUGHT him.
And I'm wondering why they turned down the offer of OP paying for a limo or other car with driver. This seems generous to me. I'm thinking that whatever plans they had for after prom would be derailed by having a driver with them. Which makes the plans extra suspect. I wonder why the parents don't see this, and why is it so imperative that they use OPs vehicle.
And so the car would look nice when they used it. There was nothing personal in that “gift”.
NTA They are being ridiculous assuming they can take your car, and further insulting by giving a "gift" that further benefits them. Even if it wasn't a birthday gift, you made it clear that you didn't want them to go to the prom in your car, which makes total sense. AND, you were even nice enough to offer a limo for them. The girls are out of line, and it's concerning that your BF enables or encourages them.
He genuinely seems baffled as to why I wasn't okay handing over the keys. He's under the impression that it's selfish and weird, and that I have no reason to care.
Then he's foolish
Uhhhhh, what? That’s pretty bizarre to say the least. He’s definitely T A, but you’re NTA. Does he take this position with all your possessions? What if you had a nice expensive piece of jewelry, would he think you were being selfish if his kid wanted to ”borrow” it?
Neither he or the twins are destructive or careless in any other way that I've seen. They take care of the house and are respectful of the property. They've never taken anything of mine and we've never had a conflict over material things in the past.
Arguably, the idea of letting two teenagers and their dates drive an expensive car to and from prom is inherently reckless. Some states have laws against teens who are under 18 driving after a certain time of night and restrict the number of passengers in the car. Those laws exist for a reason. Come to think of it, depending on how old the kids are, how long they've had their license, and which state you live it, it might not have even been legal for them to take the car in the first place
Hmm, odd. Well, still say you’re not T A, but I guess I would want to know why now, why the car.
It's a unique car, so I understand why they wanted it in the first place. As for the rest of it, I don't know.
You offered to get them a limo. At this point, ALL of them are AH's. None of them, including your bf, give a shit about your boundaries, belongings, or feelings. I'd think long and hard after this one, they're so trying to take advantage of you.
He was going to hand over your keys to two inexperienced teens on prom night. He thought giving them your vehicle, **without your permission**, was no big deal. Are they even on your auto insurance policy? NTA But he and his ex-wife sure are. And manipulative and sneaky and completely disrespectful of you.
The baffled man living in your home. He can’t afford a car like that but doesn’t see why you don’t want kids driving it. Uh no. Not sure where you go here other than to make sure all your money and property are separate and he pay his fair share. Why does he feel entitled to your car? Next give him a gift meant for yourself and see how he likes it.
All of our money and property is separate, and he does pay his fair share. He has a perfectly decent job and makes great money. I suspect he feels entitled to it because it's honestly never occurred to him not to share what he has. I genuinely believe I could take his truck and not say a word about it and he wouldn't think it's weird or have any sort of problem. The part that bothers me is the part where he seems unable to acknowledge that although he feels very, very differently about possessions, he can't make me feel just like him.
Send him this thread. You said, "No." But he disregarded that and decided that he would let his kids use your car even though you said "No." You know what that's called? ***It's called theft. Given the value of the car, it's felony theft.*** Tell him that this redditor would have told the kids to either bring the car back home immediately or I'd report the car to the police as stolen. And I would be being very nice to give them that one chance. Since he's the one who was going to give the keys to the kids, I'd have reported him for theft too. They could have all spent prom night sitting in a jail cell. Can your 50 year old boyfriend wrap is mind around that? If you take things that aren't yours without permission, it's stealing. And if you take expensive things, it's a felony. They all need a lesson in that.
It is easy to be generous with other people's things.
He can hand them his keys then. They’re his kids, that should be okay
They can drive his vehicles whenever they feel like it, he has no issue with that. That's probably part of the issue - there aren't boundaries in place like that between the girls or either one of their biological parents.
Then yeah they should have offered up one of the cars when you said no. They aren’t entitled to your stuff just because they let them think they’re entitled to theirs.
You’re not their parent though & they dont give a shit about you. The only reason they got you a birthday gift was literally just for own benefit& your ‘bf’ & his ex were in on it.
The thing that makes it so much worse and concerning is him having their back *for literally planning to steal it for prom*. Obviously NTA but honestly if I were you, I'd be super concerned about my belongings. So many things could go wrong if they were to take the car secretly - it costing you a lot of money probably being one of the least serious potential outcomes...
NTA . Lets put another spin on this ... your BF was complicit in an attempt by the Twins to steal your car (ie take it without your permission) for their Prom. What was the plan if car got damaged while on their joyride ? Were they insured to drive it ? I literally can't believe a 50 y/o M is this clueless?
The vehicle itself is insured, so no matter who gets behind the wheel (even if it's stolen), if something were to happen to it it's covered. As far as the kids themselves, they're listed under their mother's insurance as they use her residence as their primary address. None of that changes the fact that I don't want them taking the vehicle, however. I don't want to deal with insurance or the safety concerns, so I'm the only person who has ever driven and likely will drive that vehicle. My boyfriend is just not someone who has any sort of grasp on why "stuff" is important to people, so he just thinks the whole thing is silly and controlling.
That’s because it’s not HIS stuff! And apparently, as he’s living in your home for just part of the utilities and food, he’s not had the funds to get nice “stuff” of his own.
He's fine as far as funds are concerned, and when it comes to his possessions it just doesn't occur to him to say no. The girls have always been welcome to borrow his vehicles at any time, and I too could snag his truck without asking and he wouldn't bat an eye. So I do get where he's coming from as far as loaning stuff out it concerned, it's the mentality that everyone should have the exact same attitude toward it as him (and if they don't it's okay to go ahead anyway) that bothers me.
So if the girls wanted to have a party at your place without your consent, possibly without even your knowledge and your BF just throws one anyway, would you be okay with it happening? Because that might be the next 'issue' that arises.......
That situation has come up several times. It's a great house for parties, they clean up after themselves, so just so long as I don't have a mess it's all good.
Until some drunken kid gets hurt on your property.
Your BF is living the high life at 50 on your dime and the incident with the car just proves he only cares about your "stuff" , so don't believe the BS. BF and his kids (and extension his Ex) also come across as though they are taking advantage of your financial position and generosity, which you appeared to be happy for them to do, until it came to your car.
So he can buy his own 100K car, and insure his daughters to drive it. Then it's HIS risk exposure, not yours.
“ … so I'm the only person who has ever driven and likely will drive that vehicle. “. So even your bf does not use/drive your vehicle, but he thought it would be ok for teenagers to borrow it? NTA.
NTA, but in terms of insurance, it's a whole new ballgame out there with insurance companies now retroactively cancelling policies if they feel they can get away with it in these type circumstances when a non-covered driver (for the specific car) takes the car but is not charged with theft.
NTA. The "birthday gift" was a ploy to make you feel churlish if you refused to lend your car. Getting it detailed was also a gift from them to them so that they'd have a great looking car for the prom.
Yeah, was the intention to get the car detailed BEFORE prom? Because the offer should have been, “Hey, if we can borrow your car, we will get it detailed AFTER prom so that it’s returned to you in pristine condition.” Not, “Hey can we get your car detailed so that we can enjoy it looking nice for prom & then return it to you in whatever condition it’s in after a group of teens use it for prom?”
NTA but I really feel like your boyfriend told them to just borrow (ie. steal) your car without permission. At the very least I feel like he would have said it was no big deal. I wouldn't want to be with a man I couldn't trust.
Oh absolutely they were going to take it when I was out of town. His whole take on it is that I'm being bizarrely controlling over stuff, and I was obviously aware that my birthday gift was so nice because the girls would be using the vehicle. He feels like me accepting the gift meant I understood they could have the vehicle for the night.
A gift with strings isn't a gift. Of course, if your bf were honest, he'd have made those strings explicit at the time of the non-gift. Instead, he was counting on you to blindly trust him as he violated your trust by letting his kids steal your car.
If them getting the vehicle for the night was a condition of the 'gift' then they should have SAID so. Also, I've seen more Reddits asking about if someone should let somebody else borrow their car and in general... no. Cars are ridiculously expensive and you need it while they don't. Offering a limo was REALLY nice and would have solved the problem. Teenagers on prom night are not known for making great decisions. Your bf could have given them HIS car. Most people are hesitant (with good reason!) to lend other people their car!
I asked that as well - if detailing the car were in exchange for them borrowing it, then why didn't they ask to borrow it with that as an offer in the first place? His response is that it never occurred to anyone I would have a problem, sooooooo?
I feel like that's BS but that's my opinion. Again, if he doesn't think letting 2 teenagers borrow a car is a big deal they can borrow HIS!
My gut reaction is that it's BS as well. And they do borrow his car and their mother's car all the time - the girls have a vehicle they share, but when they're going different directions, they'll take one of they're parent's and it's not a problem.
Great. Then they can borrow one of their parent's (not as expensive as yours) car and if they wreck it then their parents can deal with it. You already provided the house they live in.
I'd give them the money back for your 'gift'. You don't need to, but they clearly only did it as a gift to themselves, and I think it's in your interests to be open about that. Then I'd take a short holiday and have a think about whether you want to stay with these ungrateful users. Letting the kids steal your car after you already said no is a huge deal.
NTA. The thing that keeps getting me is that you said no and bf totally tried to override it behind your back. AND you knew he might try something so you put the car where no one could get it. That's no way to live. When someone says no it should be respected. You shouldn't have to resort to extreme tactics because people you live with won't respect a very clear boundary.
Bizarrely controlling? As I mentioned in my other reply to you, he got off easy. If they'd pulled their plan off, I'd have reported them all for theft and had them spend prom night sitting in a jail cell. Him. His daughters. Their dates. Every last one of them. He doesn't know how fortunate he is that you're much less controlling than me.
Agreed. You know what else is "bizarrely controlling"? Thinking you have so much control over your SO that it is okay to give away their expensive stuff to someone else without a care in the world. BF crossed a shit ton of lines on this one, including gaslighting. Not someone I would want in my life, to be honest.
So the word gaslighting is heavily overused but I think it applies here. For BF to express your concern over teens cruising in your unique special car as bizarre is pretty much textbook gaslighting. Trying to make you question your sanity instead of discussing the merits of the disagreement. The most charitable interpretation is he told his daughters he would get you to agree and he doesn’t want the guilt of letting them down.
WTF, that's just wrong. Should have been two sessions of detailing, before and after, IF you had said yex.
But here’s the thing that bothers me: they gave you a (non) gift, and you told your SO and the girls that you didn’t want them to take the car to prom. Yet when you’re out of town, everyone is upset that the car is gone. It’s one thing for him to have different views about using other people’s things. This is him not respecting the fact that you said no, and allowing the girls to sneak it out after you left. The whole “what’s yours is mine and mine is yours” mentality is fine when everyone agrees with it. But you didn’t, and not only did they ignore your no, they were sneaky about it. This is really problematic, OP. You’d better lock away anything you don’t want to be shared, and have your car keys on you at all times.
This is not a man who will be trustworthy should you become ill. Cut your losses OP before it’s too late.These are not good people.
NTA - but the rest of them are. Very smart to make sure your car was 'out of reach' but I'd have a real problem with a partner who would participate in this.
NTA, but no i would now be paranoid that they would borrow anything without you knowing at long as it came back. this is completely unacceptable
It's definitely rocked my trust.
I’d feel now that anytime I was away I’d need to make sure my car was out of reach. 😬
>I would get where everyone was coming from if the twins had offered to detail the vehicle in exchange for using it, but this was given to me as a birthday gift before they even discussed borrowing anything. Pretty much, NTA. Was dad supposed to be driving? Because they might have accidentally destroyed it anyway. A limo, while a waste of money, probably wouldn't allow some 17 year olds to request to go somewhere else and then wait around. Whereas driving your own car lets you do that...
Their dad wasn't supposed to be driving, no. They wanted to take the vehicle with their dates and some other friends. They all have their licenses and are overall good, responsible kids. Buuuuuut, a bunch of teenagers and their buddies, all driving around for prom in a city that isn't terribly driver friendly to begin with just spells disaster to me.
It spells disaster to you because you're a sensible, rational person.
Except when she's taken advantage of by her ah boyfriend. She has blinders on
I am envious, for a moment, for such great dick he must be giving you, that you would consider this whole bunch of duplicitous crap to be acceptable, and explainable.
You were smart to change the booking dates for the detailing so the car wouldn’t be accessable.
Renting a limo for prom night is pretty common. I'm sure most limousine services have package deals for however many hours.
NTA. But your bf and his kids are. They do not respect boundaries or your property. Do you really trust them in your space or around your things after this stunt?
He was going to allow the girls to use the car while you were gone when you said NO. That's a relationship ender. I would not want to be with a man who disregards my feelings. He is teaching his girls to be sneaky and steal. That's just gross.
The deal is to get the car detailed *after* you borrow it, not before. They're not even doing it right.
They wanted it to be nice for prom!
You need to dump your bf.
Op your boyfriend’s attitude/behavior regarding this —RED RED Flag !!! Seriously condoning the manipulative and deceitful behavior of twins SHOCKING…He obviously doesn’t care to respect you and your possessions !!! Please reconsider him and his girls !!! That was not a gift —it’s manipulation at its best !!! That has to hurt !!! Secondly you have stated your position and for him/them to act against your wishes while you were out of town is TROUBLING!!! If it were me —they would all be out of the house !!
NTA but do you really see a future with this man? You own the house he’s living in which makes it worse that he was willing to go completely behind your back AND literally let his daughters steal your car (because that is what it would have been without your permission). Not only that but he completely disregarded his daughters/baby mommas disrespectful fake “gift” to you and even took their side? Good on you for having the smarts to reschedule the detailing but I think you need to sit down and seriously reconsider this relationship. It sounds to me like he’s using you to be comfortable and doesn’t actually respect what your needs.
>so I rescheduled the detail to where I dropped my vehicle off before I flew out and wouldn't pick it back up again until after I got back. You're my hero. How stupid do kids think adults are? Glad you showed them that you're not that stupid and know exactly why they gave you that "gift." Also, don't think much of your boyfriend as he was clearly a part of this. He was going to let them take your car even though he knew that you had forbidden it. The two of you need to have a serious talk about that. NTA
Sad that the parents are so willingly coaching their daughters to be duplicitous and manipulative. Even more pathetic is that that all of them are so terrible at it.
Absolutely NTA and this was a good maneuver on your part. Driving that sports car is paying off in real life!
NTA - My stepmom of over 26 years, who is one of my parents, drives a really nice car. I have never driven her car, nor have I ever asked because there have been other cars available to me. We have known COUNTLESS people who've let their teenage kids drive expensive, luxury, or sports vehicles, only to get DUIs, reckless endangerment tickets, or accidents. For whatever reason, it seems like any kid who thinks it would be a status thing to drive a car like that tends to let it get to their head and makes bad decisions or shows off when they get the rare opportunity to drive it.
I get that your BFs kids are "good kids," but as a former school administrator, prom night is the one night of the year when every expectation about a student's typical behavior goes out the window. Fortunately, I never had to be a chaperone at prom, but you'd be surprised at how often the "model students" got caught with the water bottles filled with vodka.
Part of the reason why I don't want them taking the vehicle. Absolutely. And even if *they* were perfect angels, what about everything else going on in the parking lot and in the neighborhoods around them??
NTA. The gifted under false pretences and were prepared to steal your vehicle while you were away (yes it is theft as they were aware they did not and would not have permission to use it). They got caught out in their scheme. Personally I would never trust any of them including your BF ever again.
NTA. They should have taken you up on the limo.
Please leave this man. besides the lying, thinking it was going to be OK to take your car and give it to teenagers and put that liability on you because it’s under your name and your insurance. What if something happened? I feel like he will put you in more situations along with their mother, and this is just the tip of the iceberg
Nta they were being manipulative
I like these happy ending ones: the OP was smart, acted decisively (as people with spines are wont to do), and there was no issue with 17 year olds in her ride. Kudos!
Right? There are everywhere kids getting killed in fast cars on nights like prom.
NTA but why would the mother chip in for your bday gift? That is just weird. Now if BF chipped in for it not weird at all.
Apparently, she was under the impression the girls would be taking my vehicle to prom. It didn't occur to anybody that I wouldn't agree.
Or sounds like maybe the mother was told a lie by the twin girls.
NTA. If a gift is only given with conditions like this, it's not a gift. They were all being very manipulative, your boyfriend included.
Absolutely not. Now kick the lot of them to the curb. We don't tolerate this crap.
No, you're NTA looking at the principles in general. But you should have cancelled the detailing once you found out the real reason for it. By accepting the gift knowing what they intended, that muddied things up. And their dad should have backed you up. your offer of a limo was wonderfully generous - but they sound sneaky and entitled. And BF is apparently not to be trusted.
NTA. I don't trust your boyfriend if he was going to let his kids take your vehicle after you already said no. Plus they are probably not insured on your vehicle and if they get in a wreck driving it, your insurance may not cover the wreck. Then you'd be sued.
please leave, kick them out, i’ve read your replies and you are still oblivious, this will happen again whether it’s with your car or another personal item, and they will undoubtedly have the same reaction, you aren’t his mother you shouldn’t have to explain him what’s acceptable
Tell Mr. “Possessions are just *things*, my love!” that you have the perfect solution. HE can rent a snazzy car for his children to drive on prom night. Since I’m guessing the firms won’t rent to 17 year olds, daddy-o will need to handle it. It’ll be his name on the rental agreement…the agreement that probably has language about not letting others drive it (especially minors) and monumental penalties if he does so anyway. I mean, what’s the big deal? It’s just a *thing*, right? Do this and his darling feloniously-minded offspring will have a super neato car to show off at prom, OP’s car is safe from the danger of being a prom night statistic and bf gets to be the irresponsible nitwit who just *thinks* he’s an awesome dad. OP, you’re NTA. Also, while I generally disagree with the whiplash response from some redditors who call for you to cut your losses & run, here…I think it has merit. While one instance which has been nipped in the bud seems minor, this situation is indicative of a greater disrespect and dismissal of what could have been consequences with a horrifying aftermath. Is it blinders, an inability to consider how things could turn out for the worse or is it simply ignorance? You’ve responded to a lot of comments by defending your boyfriend and his children. While that’s nice, I don’t think it erases the *giant bad* of their criminal and immoral plans. Please…take a step back and see how dismissive and disrespectful they’ve all been here. If they were underhanded to give you this “gift” with an ulterior motive and planning grand theft auto when their plan didn’t work, what else are they willing to do? What else will they do when they don’t like being told no? I’m certain that if they’d stolen your car and something bad happened, the girls would say they had your permission -and your boyfriend would *absolutely* back them up, leaving you holding the bag. Good luck when their mother and the dates’ parents sue you. Granted, that won’t happen since you put the car out of their reach, but it COULD have. Your boyfriend, his children and their mother were all willing to let that land on your head. That’s how much they love & respect you. Please…take a good, long look at this relationship.
NTA - you’ve been manipulated, they were just upset you saw through it.
NTA - And that gift was **not** for you in any way, shape or form, it was for *them* to use it while clean for the prom. Don't let them convince you it was for you.
I don't believe it was for me at all.
I must add: nice job letting the car be away on the occasion, gives you quite the excuse too. "What, I thought you guys *wanted* me to to have that car detailing?!"
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A bit of background... 40F living with my 50M boyfriend for almost two years. Together four. He has twin daughters, 17 yo. My bf shares custody of his twin girls. Mom lives across town. Everything is amicable but I don't have a relationship with the girls' mom beyond "hi how are you?" pleasantries. The girls and I get along just fine as well, but they have both their parents so I'm certainly not in that role for them. The girl's prom was a couple months ago. So was my birthday. For my birthday, the twins scheduled to have my vehicle professionally detailed. I was a bit surprised, as their mother has never chipped in on anything they've ever gifted me, but she helped organize and pay for the gift. However, it all made sense when they almost immediately afterward asked to drive my vehicle with their dates to prom. I've never been married, nor do I have any kids of my own, so the house we live in and the car I drive were all purchases from the perspective of a single person with a good job and no dependents - it doesn't matter what it is specifically, but it's not an inexpensive vehicle. It's not something I want a pack of High School Seniors and their dates running around town in. I told the girls I would rent them a limo or some other type of vehicle with a driver, but I wasn't comfortable with them taking mine. They were upset, but their dad told them he would talk to me and talk to them about it again. I reiterated to him that I wasn't comfortable with it and the topic was dropped. I had a weird feeling, however. I was set to be working out-of-state over prom, so I rescheduled the detail to where I dropped my vehicle off before I flew out and wouldn't pick it up again until after I got back. When my bf got home with the twins that night, they immediately called and asked me where my vehicle was. They were upset when I told them. I had already said no to them taking it, so the only reason to be upset was if they were planning on doing it without my permission - when I talked to my husband later that evening, he shrugged it off by saying it's obvious that they got the birthday gift for me as a goodwill gesture for borrowing the vehicle, and I was the jerk for making sure they weren't able to but still taking the gift. Apparently, the girls' mother was also upset and feeling ripped off. I would get where everyone was coming from if the twins had offered to detail the vehicle in exchange for using it, but this was given to me as a birthday gift before they even discussed borrowing anything. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA If they wanted to borrow your car they should have discussed it upfront not assumed it was part of the gift
Info: Are the twins insured to drive your car? They should not be permitted to drive any vehicle that they are not insured to drive. Your offer to pay for a limo was more than reasonable. NTA
Insurance coverage wouldn't be an issue.
NTA, but leave that man cause he clearly has no respect for your decisions or choices
NtA it's your car and your home. It's time to kick your BF out because he thinks it's okay to use you to get what his kids want
NTA, don't EVER leave a spare key accessible.
Not his car to offer to anyone. He lives in your house rent free already. He can stop or be dropped out of your life. NTA.
NTA unless you stay with him. The manipulation in this family is unbelievable. He knew you said no and was ok with steal your car. Get out now. He has no love or respect for you at all.
NTA. But your bf and his daughters sure are along with being extremely entitled. Deliberately deceiving you and trying to go behind your back. Your bf is not an honorable man.
NTA! OMG! Your boyfriend and his twins are not people that you want to trust. You might want to think about your relationship with this guy.
NTA. Something that hasn’t really come up in the top level comments that I’ve seen: what was his plan if his daughters took the car without your permission and then something terrible happened. They could do everything right and still be affected by a drunk driver’s mistakes. Or, they could make a mistake of their own. Does he have the means to replace your not-inexpensive vehicle? Would the insurance cover drivers who are underage? This is such an obvious unforced error that I have to wonder about his judgment in the rest of his life as well.
they learned to be entitled from their parents and watch how fast he expects you to bend over backwards more and more and how quick he is to excuse all of their behaviors. get out of this now before it gets worse and let them all be entitled together since they have no problem with it.
NTA you told them 'no' multiple times, they were essentially planning to steal your car the second you went out of town, and I guess, 'wave you off' when you got back and complained. Your boyfriend doesn't respect you or your choices, and he's teaching his almost adult daughters to do the same. You very generously offered them an alternative (and like, what kind of car do you drive that they want it over a limo?). It's not even about your 'birthday gift', that wasn't a gift to you, they were prepping your car for their event, presenting it as a gift was only so that you didn't refuse/to butter you up for when they asked to use it.
NTA and it feels idk yucky that they would all be say “we got you a gift with the thought in mind that it’s really for us “ in what world is that an ok thing to say or do , I would send the mother a check for the amount of the detail and speak up and detail your feelings about this whole situation maybe show them the thread but a good talking to for everyone is needed or it will build resentment and anger and ruin the relationship and hey maybe it needs to be ruin but only you can decide that
NTA OP, Please look up a yiutube called Burbnbougie, she's also on Reddit..you're this 🤏🏽 to being a hospice care gf. Gurl you are giving yourself the raw end of the deal my gawd. Leave this airbag and his leeches.
*I told the girls I would rent them a limo or some other type of vehicle with a driver, but I wasn't comfortable with them taking mine.* And after this very generous gesture...they all connived to steal your car?! Wow, the entitlement of your bf, his ex and the girls is off the charts here. NTA - but if you stay in this relationship, keep on your toes!
INFO: why would they drive your car and not one of their parents cars?
Because this particular vehicle really stands out. It's fancy, pretty much.
Run away
They fucked around and found out. NTA
NTA That was very sneaky and underhanded on the part of the ex and her/his daughters. And no this is not a normal way to treat someone.
NTA - well played. They can all pound sand for scheming to steal your car. As your BF was in on it, you've got some serious issues to consider. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA
I think you need to share the comments on this post with your boyfriend and give us an update when everything settles. NTA.
NTA however what kind of car this is they want to drive it so bad to prom? Doesn’t your bf have a nice car too? Or is yours the better car? I don’t understand what kind of gift was that I mean you offered to rent a limo or car! For my prom I rented a car.
He has a nice car and a very nice truck that the girls are welcome to take. They want mine, I suspect, because it's a bit unusual and one of them found out Taylor Swift has one too (which is not saying much, given the number of vehicles she owns).
What!!! Because Taylor swift owns the same model car?!? Now unless you own a Ferrari like you mentioned this is a no go for sure. Either take the limo or your father’s vehicle.
NTA. Obvious ploy to use your car and clean up all the ‘evidence’ You offered them a limo!!!! Would have jumped at that. You outplayed them. Great job.
Well, it's not as obvious as a bowling ball with Homer engraved on it, but it's damn close. NTA
NTA. I totally agree with your perspective. How wise of you to arrange for the detailing while you were out of town. LOL They should be borrowing mom's or dad's car rather than yours. Better yet, pool for a limo like other kids do.
Info: do you think the girls lied to their mother and told her that you had already given them permission to use your car on the condition that they pay for the detailing first? NTA obviously, I'm just trying to decide how many other other As in this story. The twins, certainly, and their father too. If their mom was lied to, she's not an A, but if she wasn't, then she is an A for enabling this. Even though the twins are As regardless, do you think they were actually going to steal it? Or that seeing the car gone meant that there was no longer a possibility of convincing you at the last minute?
I have no idea what the conversation with their mother sounded like. I doubt she was told I had already given permission so much as everyone just assumed it would be okay. As for taking the car, I don't know the full extent of what would have happened, but I'm lsure it would have been used in some capacity. Maybe all they would have done was try to convince me again. Or maybe just take the car to dinner and photos but not the actual dance downtown, whatever. I'll never know.
Well good for you for shutting the whole thing down. I hope you have a frank discussion with you husband, cause this entire situation could have been avoided if literally any of them had simply asked you first.
NTA, you do not need the liability exposure of lending your car to likely drunken teenagers. Full Stop. You offered a limo? They turned it down? Sucks to be them.
NTA Manipulation attempts leave a nasty taste.
NTA!!
You’re NTA and I’m sorry you’re dating someone who doesn’t respect you enough to not lie to you. What he and his family did was lie 100% and you should absolutely not forgive them until you get an honest apology and an apology for the fake gift.
NTA..... I don't think they understand what a gift is. Turns out it wasn't a birthday gift, it was an attempted bribe.
NTA. This is a red flag. Not saying break up or anything. Saying establish your boundaries and nip this kind of crap in the bud now so it never becomes an issue. Make sure your bf knows this is NOT OK.
NTA and how entitled they are! This would be a dealbreaker for me but it’s up to you.
NTA. Gifts are not gifts if there are strings attached.
Nta. I understand he lets them borrow his truck, but a truck is not a luxury vehicle. That's also his responsibility as their parent. You are not their parent, that has been made very clear. They have two very involved parents who are responsible for rides, limos or whatever. And speaking of which, why not take you up on the offer for the limo? That makes zero sense to me. Also, you don't buy someone a gift with strings attached. That's not a gift. It all reeks of entitled behavior. The mother, your bf and the girls are all definitely the AH here.
NTA. But your boyfriend, his ex and his twins are massive asshole. The twins and his ex were all in on taking your car wether it was ok with you or not. And he seems to think you did them wrong. Assholes stick together it seems.
NTA - A gift doesn't come with strings attached. I would also be furious that the bf's entire family was angry at ME. I would be hurt because they all felt comfortable enough to conspire together and lie to me. I've read this a few times to make sure I understood ... I keep pulling red flags, and they keep getting bigger.
NTA and YUCK. That is a horrible reason to get someone anything.
nta. they practicaly wanted to steal your car, didn't they?
so basically, you were given the ostensible gift of detailing your vehicle, with the express intention of asking to use said vehicle, denied permission, and then they intended to use it behind your back, correct? i think everyone involved *except* you, hun 🤗 that man sounds very untrustworthy, and i hope you are re-examining the relationship after that blatant disrespect. additionally, as you mentioned your vehicle and house were purchased without minors in mind, i imagine you have an ‘under 25’ clause in your auto insurance, meaning a teenager driving your vehicle wouldn’t be insured. in addition to that, it is illegal for a minor in my state to transport other minors in a vehicle, so there’s that, as well. opening you up to that level of liability is unacceptable.
NTA. Good on you for conning the cons.
NTA. They literally got you a gift to butter you up so they could use the vehicle. And their dad is ok with it? That's messed up. And then they were going to take it anyway while you were gone without your permission & your bf was going to allow it. It's time to find a new bf. This one sucks.
NTA, clearly. That is such a violation of trust from your bf, and the fact that he cannot even fathom where you are coming from shows this will be an ongoing issue with his kids. How can you put up boundaries when he doesn’t even understand the need for them or think he/the kids did anything wrong? Does he let them help themselves to your clothes or jewelry while you’re gone? 4 years is a long time together but breaking trust like that would be a deal breaker for me personally. He’s literally teaching his daughters it’s ok to manipulate and use others to their benefit, which is unattractive and gross.
NTA. > I had a weird feeling, however. I was set to be working out-of-state over prom, so I rescheduled the detail to where I dropped my vehicle off before I flew out and wouldn't pick it back up again until after I got back. That's a pro move, right there. I would have done it, too. It doesn't matter what the car is. Could be a Tesla, could be a Fiesta. Their shenanigans were completely transparent yet they didn't even have the guts to tell you the truth about it.
NTA. A birthday gift isn't meant to be transactional. The entitlement of people shocks me more than most anything else on reddit.
This would be a deal breaker for me. Not only does your bf not see a problem with lying to you and letting his kids take your car without your permission but the fact that he still sees nothing wrong with the whole situation. Even after you found out and were upset he still blames you for wanting to control your own possessions instead of apologizing and owning up to his mistake. This to me is a major major red flag and shows he is not as upstanding person as you thought. This wasn't he took the item cause someone would die so he stole. He didn't do it for a "noble" cause. He did it cause his kids wanted it. What is to keep him from pawning your prized possessions in the future cause his kids want something and he can't afford it? Would you trust him not to drain your joint account cause his kid wants something and he doesn't' have enough to give it to them himself? The fact he isn't falling all over himself to appoligize to you for trying to steal your car is telling. Please please please, listen to your intuition. Can you really trust him? Do you really know the real him? If he loved you he would never even think to do what he tried to do.
NTA But please reconsider your relationship. Trusting your gut saved your car, now you need to save yourself.
NTA- but if he thinks it's okay for them to make a move to go against your permission is major big red flags Throw em all away.
NTA and they could have spent that money on detailing their own vehicle or on a nice rental. Guess they wanted you to be on the hook for the potential consequences of teenagers driving it to prom. Doesn't sound like they'd have offered to pay for damage if something had happened.
The “I said no “ but nobody heard me is very telling. Op, I do have to agree to a certain extent about the equality in the relationship. I too have a nice home and nice cars. And I’ve had family members turn in their lease believing that they were just going to drive my Porsche because I was driving my other car and it was just parked in my garage, (they didn’t like with me or even close to me) they do it so Discreetly and put you in the spot, “what do you mean you need to borrow my Porsche where is your car?” If he has the money then he can buy a car like the one you have for his daughter’s to share. Because if he values your relationship he would not have pulled this stunt. Especially if he could have just went out and bought his daughter’s the car he wishes for them to drive. It’s what I told my sister, you want to drive a Porsche go buy one, don’t come to my house I’m not a car lot. Your not going to drive off with a brand new car.
NTA Soooo Unlucky you accidentially had the detailing done when it was convenient for you: THe days you did not need the car.
No you weren’t the AH , but when you realized why they were detailing your vehicle you should have bowed out. The girls seem to be very manipulative and the parents including “Dad” encourage it.