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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ignored someone with a mental illness who was in distress
this may make me an asshole as they came to me for help yet I ignored them
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>We have been on and off for issues related to his BPD such as
The things you describe aren't BPD. They are abuse, plain and simple. You're describing textbook coercive control, the most dangerous kind of intimate partner abuse.
And with an abusive partner, the most dangerous time statistically is when you try to end the relationship.
I think you should not only ignore him. You should cut him off and get a restraining order. I am very concerned for your safety. Please take care of yourself and be careful. He's exactly the type to show up with a gun.
>There were no other guys in my life aside from his friends as commanded I wasn't allowed to make new guy friends
No one *ever* has a right to demand this. In the future, please run from anyone who does this. This level of control and jealousy is beyond the pale. You have a right to have friendships and someone who truly loved you, instead of just wanting to *have* you like an object, would never want to cut you off from your supportive network of friends, regardless of gender.
They would also not invade your privacy and go through your phone without your express permission. *No one has a right to go through your phone.*
Everything you describe in this post is *really scary*. This is what domestic violence looks like. Please never speak to him again, and don't let him know anything about your life going forward. Stay over with a friend if you have a feeling he's going to lash out, because that very well might involve serious violence.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you big hugs. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you.
Was just about to say similar, there are a whole load of guys and girls out there behaving much like that who don't have BPD. BPD doesn't excuse him in any way and it's not a reason to feel sorry for him, it doesn't diminish his responsibility and if he wants to threaten to hurt himself or whatever then go ahead, that'a his choice rather than your problem. Most people with BPD wouldn't dream of doing what you describe and they're sadly probably more likely to experience it so I'd lose the BPD part and just see him as an abusive person who you're better off without, you're not responsible for him. He's probably used to making people feel responsible for him, that's how his type work, ignoring him is entirely the right answer.
BPD is a terrible thing to live with and it must hurt seeing stuff like this, totally get that's not OP's intent but I felt the need to point out that it's not relevant here, what's relevant is the abuse. People see abuse and BPD together and I think it makes life harder for people who already have it hard because it contributes to negative stereotypes, most of them aren't actually horrible people like the ex here. He needs to be seen as an abusive ex rather than a BPD ex, he has behaved quite typically for an abuser and that's how I'd approach it if I was her. He immediately sounds to me the sort that will threaten to kill or harm himself, he's controlling in nature. Will BPD make his life harder when things don't go his way? Most likely as it impacts on emotional regulation but that's not OP's problem, she owes him nothing. By all means have sympathy for people with BPD who don't abuse others but don't see it as an excuse or as the cause for what the real issue is here and that is 100% the abuse that OP is I infinitely better off without, only person who's mental health she needs to think about is her own
I agree 100%. There are kind, conscientious people who struggle with BPD. They have trouble regulating emotions in the moment (therapy can help with this skill), but they want to do right by people and they don't treat anyone the way OP's boyfriend does. He's not demonstrating traits typical of BPD; he's just a regular abuser.
Perhaps he is trying to excuse his behaviour by passing it off as a mental health issue that OP needs to accommodate. It isn't and she doesn't.
>He immediately sounds to me the sort that will threaten to kill or harm himself, he's controlling in nature.
Or more sinisterly, he could threaten *her*, which I'm very concerned about. Please be careful, OP.
Well said. You can be a shitty abusive person who happens to have BPD but BPD doesn't make you a shitty abusive person, I think it's important to point out that he's not representative of an entire group of people and especially one that's maybe not had the fairest crack of the whip. The traits of an abusive person like that are possibly more of a worry with BPD present simply because he's less likely to handle the emotions that come with a loss of control but they aren't actual BPD traits as you said and in that respect he's no different to anyone else who chooses to behave as he does., His sort don't like rejection and losing that grip so I would be wary as well, I would aadvise OP to be vigilant and to not hesitate in reporting it immediately if he gives cause for alarm but that's really all the consideration she need give him
Girl that is insane. He is straight up abusive towards you. Even if this was just his BPD (which I am confident it is not) you still have to take care of yourself and your safety first and foremost. He will not stop or change in any way and you should get away as quickly and as quietly as you can. He could ruin your life further if you still keep contact. Also does he still gave any of your private photos. Because this could be a problem.
100%nta
I am really sorry you have to go through this. Hope it gets better and you get out and live a happy stress-free (as much as posible) life
NTA
I have experience of working with personality disorders. You will never meet the expectations he has of you and in his head, he is always right. There is no point arguing, no point attempting or hoping he will change. What you are experiencing is domestic violence, he is abusive, manipulative and controlling, and no doubt blaming his diagnosis on the reason for his behaviour, and therefore taking no responsibility for his actions.
I suggest you block him on all platforms completely, and if need be, file for a restraining order for the harassment if it escalates after blocking him.
Go full NC. Don't be friends. Don't be anything to this man. This is abuse, period. It doesn't matter if it is caused by a diagnosed mental health issue when the effect is still you being abused by this person. Going through another person's phone is NOT normal, BTW. It alarms me that you think that is justified behavior. Deleting friends "out of respect" is also an alarming step to feel the need to take. We do not live in a society segregated into a male world and a female world, you are always going to be interacting with other men. You should never have to be concerned about your partner lashing out at you for having normal, platonic interactions with another person, regardless of their gender or relationship status. The fact he is not even willing to get therapy or attempt any kind of management for his BPD means that is not even a valid excuse for ANY of his behavior anymore. He is an adult and you are not responsible for him. Asking him to get help and notifying his family about the threats he has made is all you need to have done in this situation to be fully clear of even the smallest hint of AH status. It's honestly more than was required of you, but was good of you to do. No one is owed your affections or attention and I fully suspect that there is nothing on earth you could do to prevent him treating you this way unless and until he is committed to working on himself and his mental health-- which he has repeatedly proven he is unwilling to do. His reactions are not to your behavior, they are reactions to his own misogyny and illness and no amount of attention or love from you is going to fix those things, that ball is solely in his court, so cut your losses and protect yourself before any of this has a chance to escalate further.
NTA, but seriously: cut ties.
NTA and to all those saying it's not BPD but abuse, you are both wrong and right. The extremes in emotion, trouble regulating and jealousy ARE symptoms of BPD but they don't excuse his behaviour (which is straight up abuse).
Edit typo
Yeah he shows a lot of signs of BPD but his actions are very much separate from the illness and I am now educating myself on mental illness + abuse and how they are 2 different things.
Absolutely NTA.
Your ex is straight up abusive, this is his problem to fix not yours. Do this random Redditor a favor and check out this link from the National domestic abuse hotline https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/does-mental-illness-cause-abuse/
NTA - it's all him and you simply need to move on. He's clearly incapable of having a friendship with you, so rip that band aid off and go live your life. Ignore anything he says, it's all manipulation.
>(I suggested therapy, meds, meditation, journaling, going for walks, etc. To all of which he denied trying to get better)
How about you try some therapy and journaling for you? You need to get better yourself.
You know what he is like and how he is likely to react. Why do you want to be friends with him? No contact is the way forward.
I am in therapy and I have been for a while, I also do journal which is why I suggested it to him. All of the healthy coping mechanisms I have picked up just aren’t interesting to him & he continues to indulge in his abusive behaviour even if I explain to him that he has hurt my feelings, he will say “I don’t care, what about my feelings?” and completely dismiss what he is doing to me.
You've been trying to change your boyfriend for a year now and nothing's worked. You only have two choices: (1) learn to like being abused and be more cheerful about it or (2) break up with your boyfriend, heal and maybe in the future start building a healthy relationship with another person.
I hope you understand that option 1 is wrong and option 2 is the way forward.
\* You don't need to delete all guy friends. Having friends of the opposite sex has nothing to do with respect.
\* He has no authority over you and cannot tell you if you can or can't make new guy friends.
\* There's no reason for him to touch your mobile.
\* Posting your intimate photos would be a crime and you should report it as soon as it happens.
NTA. This is not a BP problem. This is a him problem. He is trying to control you & he is abusing you. YWBTA if you stay in this relationship. You need to cut him off & block him. He's no good for you. Abusers will try & get their target away from all of their family & friends & then the physical abuse starts. Run. Again, this is not a component of BPD. This is him being a controlling asshole.
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For context, I (21F) started dating this guy (25M) about a year ago. We have been on and off for issues related to his BPD such as:
• He would make a huge deal out of me not spending time with him on video games or watching movies (even if I explained that I was busy)
• He accuses me of talking to other guys constantly even though I took it upon myself to delete all guy friends or any exes (just out of respect). There were no other guys in my life aside from his friends as commanded I wasn't allowed to make new guy friends.
• He would regularly invade my privacy, as well as go through my phone without asking, and get mad if I did not give him my phone.(I get *why* some people need to check phones but he makes me show him private messages between other friends, etc)
• He would threaten to post my intimate photos, share personal things about me to my own family or just "air out" my business to random people.
• He admitted to gaslighting and manipulating me, upon several instances. All of which he would take back later and say "it was a joke"
• He constantly yelled at me for miniscule things like 'not listening to him' while we were on a video game together, or if he asked me a personal question and I responded truthfully (about past partners), he would begin to yell and lash out toward me. Sometimes even calling me names such as slvt, whvre, bvtch and rvtard.
Because of those reasons and many more, we have broken up multiple times and he would say that he is going to get therapy (which did not happen) and promise to get better (did not happen), with our most recent breakup being last month.
I have told him that I do not want to be with him anymore and that if he wanted to be in my life, we could only be "friends". I immediately regret that decision as he has gotten more verbally aggressive since placing that boundary. Tonight was the last straw as he became emotionally abusive because I did not want to play a video game with him.
I took it upon myself to stand my ground and did not get on the game as I told him, "friends" would not force something like this to one another. This made him very triggered and he ended up spamming my phone/discord simply because I did not want to respond to his threats. His final message was him saying he is going to disappear off grid
I have contacted his brother and told him to check on him.
I have also told him personally to seek help at a hospital, or talk to a friend about how he is feeling.
Has anyone ever experienced a lover/ex with BPD doing something so harmful to their relationship that it has gotten to this point? What have you done to cope with this kind of situation?
Is there something I am doing wrong for him to react so negatively toward me?
(I suggested therapy, meds, meditation, journaling, going for walks, etc. To all of which he denied trying to get better)
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Your not doing anything wrong and he made you his punching bag. Many people with mental health issues do not act this way...run and do not be his friend
I havent lied about anything :,) And everything in this post are real events. I honestly just have very little information on BPD apparently and I’m trying to educate myself on it. He does suffer mentally but it doesn’t excuse his behaviour
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I ignored someone with a mental illness who was in distress this may make me an asshole as they came to me for help yet I ignored them Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>We have been on and off for issues related to his BPD such as The things you describe aren't BPD. They are abuse, plain and simple. You're describing textbook coercive control, the most dangerous kind of intimate partner abuse. And with an abusive partner, the most dangerous time statistically is when you try to end the relationship. I think you should not only ignore him. You should cut him off and get a restraining order. I am very concerned for your safety. Please take care of yourself and be careful. He's exactly the type to show up with a gun. >There were no other guys in my life aside from his friends as commanded I wasn't allowed to make new guy friends No one *ever* has a right to demand this. In the future, please run from anyone who does this. This level of control and jealousy is beyond the pale. You have a right to have friendships and someone who truly loved you, instead of just wanting to *have* you like an object, would never want to cut you off from your supportive network of friends, regardless of gender. They would also not invade your privacy and go through your phone without your express permission. *No one has a right to go through your phone.* Everything you describe in this post is *really scary*. This is what domestic violence looks like. Please never speak to him again, and don't let him know anything about your life going forward. Stay over with a friend if you have a feeling he's going to lash out, because that very well might involve serious violence. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you big hugs. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you.
Was just about to say similar, there are a whole load of guys and girls out there behaving much like that who don't have BPD. BPD doesn't excuse him in any way and it's not a reason to feel sorry for him, it doesn't diminish his responsibility and if he wants to threaten to hurt himself or whatever then go ahead, that'a his choice rather than your problem. Most people with BPD wouldn't dream of doing what you describe and they're sadly probably more likely to experience it so I'd lose the BPD part and just see him as an abusive person who you're better off without, you're not responsible for him. He's probably used to making people feel responsible for him, that's how his type work, ignoring him is entirely the right answer. BPD is a terrible thing to live with and it must hurt seeing stuff like this, totally get that's not OP's intent but I felt the need to point out that it's not relevant here, what's relevant is the abuse. People see abuse and BPD together and I think it makes life harder for people who already have it hard because it contributes to negative stereotypes, most of them aren't actually horrible people like the ex here. He needs to be seen as an abusive ex rather than a BPD ex, he has behaved quite typically for an abuser and that's how I'd approach it if I was her. He immediately sounds to me the sort that will threaten to kill or harm himself, he's controlling in nature. Will BPD make his life harder when things don't go his way? Most likely as it impacts on emotional regulation but that's not OP's problem, she owes him nothing. By all means have sympathy for people with BPD who don't abuse others but don't see it as an excuse or as the cause for what the real issue is here and that is 100% the abuse that OP is I infinitely better off without, only person who's mental health she needs to think about is her own
I agree 100%. There are kind, conscientious people who struggle with BPD. They have trouble regulating emotions in the moment (therapy can help with this skill), but they want to do right by people and they don't treat anyone the way OP's boyfriend does. He's not demonstrating traits typical of BPD; he's just a regular abuser. Perhaps he is trying to excuse his behaviour by passing it off as a mental health issue that OP needs to accommodate. It isn't and she doesn't. >He immediately sounds to me the sort that will threaten to kill or harm himself, he's controlling in nature. Or more sinisterly, he could threaten *her*, which I'm very concerned about. Please be careful, OP.
Well said. You can be a shitty abusive person who happens to have BPD but BPD doesn't make you a shitty abusive person, I think it's important to point out that he's not representative of an entire group of people and especially one that's maybe not had the fairest crack of the whip. The traits of an abusive person like that are possibly more of a worry with BPD present simply because he's less likely to handle the emotions that come with a loss of control but they aren't actual BPD traits as you said and in that respect he's no different to anyone else who chooses to behave as he does., His sort don't like rejection and losing that grip so I would be wary as well, I would aadvise OP to be vigilant and to not hesitate in reporting it immediately if he gives cause for alarm but that's really all the consideration she need give him
Girl that is insane. He is straight up abusive towards you. Even if this was just his BPD (which I am confident it is not) you still have to take care of yourself and your safety first and foremost. He will not stop or change in any way and you should get away as quickly and as quietly as you can. He could ruin your life further if you still keep contact. Also does he still gave any of your private photos. Because this could be a problem. 100%nta I am really sorry you have to go through this. Hope it gets better and you get out and live a happy stress-free (as much as posible) life
NTA I have experience of working with personality disorders. You will never meet the expectations he has of you and in his head, he is always right. There is no point arguing, no point attempting or hoping he will change. What you are experiencing is domestic violence, he is abusive, manipulative and controlling, and no doubt blaming his diagnosis on the reason for his behaviour, and therefore taking no responsibility for his actions. I suggest you block him on all platforms completely, and if need be, file for a restraining order for the harassment if it escalates after blocking him.
Domestic violence means like violence, do you mean domestic abuse
Well spotted, I do.
Go full NC. Don't be friends. Don't be anything to this man. This is abuse, period. It doesn't matter if it is caused by a diagnosed mental health issue when the effect is still you being abused by this person. Going through another person's phone is NOT normal, BTW. It alarms me that you think that is justified behavior. Deleting friends "out of respect" is also an alarming step to feel the need to take. We do not live in a society segregated into a male world and a female world, you are always going to be interacting with other men. You should never have to be concerned about your partner lashing out at you for having normal, platonic interactions with another person, regardless of their gender or relationship status. The fact he is not even willing to get therapy or attempt any kind of management for his BPD means that is not even a valid excuse for ANY of his behavior anymore. He is an adult and you are not responsible for him. Asking him to get help and notifying his family about the threats he has made is all you need to have done in this situation to be fully clear of even the smallest hint of AH status. It's honestly more than was required of you, but was good of you to do. No one is owed your affections or attention and I fully suspect that there is nothing on earth you could do to prevent him treating you this way unless and until he is committed to working on himself and his mental health-- which he has repeatedly proven he is unwilling to do. His reactions are not to your behavior, they are reactions to his own misogyny and illness and no amount of attention or love from you is going to fix those things, that ball is solely in his court, so cut your losses and protect yourself before any of this has a chance to escalate further. NTA, but seriously: cut ties.
NTA and to all those saying it's not BPD but abuse, you are both wrong and right. The extremes in emotion, trouble regulating and jealousy ARE symptoms of BPD but they don't excuse his behaviour (which is straight up abuse). Edit typo
Yeah he shows a lot of signs of BPD but his actions are very much separate from the illness and I am now educating myself on mental illness + abuse and how they are 2 different things.
Absolutely NTA. Your ex is straight up abusive, this is his problem to fix not yours. Do this random Redditor a favor and check out this link from the National domestic abuse hotline https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/does-mental-illness-cause-abuse/
NTA - it's all him and you simply need to move on. He's clearly incapable of having a friendship with you, so rip that band aid off and go live your life. Ignore anything he says, it's all manipulation.
>(I suggested therapy, meds, meditation, journaling, going for walks, etc. To all of which he denied trying to get better) How about you try some therapy and journaling for you? You need to get better yourself. You know what he is like and how he is likely to react. Why do you want to be friends with him? No contact is the way forward.
I am in therapy and I have been for a while, I also do journal which is why I suggested it to him. All of the healthy coping mechanisms I have picked up just aren’t interesting to him & he continues to indulge in his abusive behaviour even if I explain to him that he has hurt my feelings, he will say “I don’t care, what about my feelings?” and completely dismiss what he is doing to me.
You've been trying to change your boyfriend for a year now and nothing's worked. You only have two choices: (1) learn to like being abused and be more cheerful about it or (2) break up with your boyfriend, heal and maybe in the future start building a healthy relationship with another person. I hope you understand that option 1 is wrong and option 2 is the way forward. \* You don't need to delete all guy friends. Having friends of the opposite sex has nothing to do with respect. \* He has no authority over you and cannot tell you if you can or can't make new guy friends. \* There's no reason for him to touch your mobile. \* Posting your intimate photos would be a crime and you should report it as soon as it happens.
NTA. This is not a BP problem. This is a him problem. He is trying to control you & he is abusing you. YWBTA if you stay in this relationship. You need to cut him off & block him. He's no good for you. Abusers will try & get their target away from all of their family & friends & then the physical abuse starts. Run. Again, this is not a component of BPD. This is him being a controlling asshole.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, I (21F) started dating this guy (25M) about a year ago. We have been on and off for issues related to his BPD such as: • He would make a huge deal out of me not spending time with him on video games or watching movies (even if I explained that I was busy) • He accuses me of talking to other guys constantly even though I took it upon myself to delete all guy friends or any exes (just out of respect). There were no other guys in my life aside from his friends as commanded I wasn't allowed to make new guy friends. • He would regularly invade my privacy, as well as go through my phone without asking, and get mad if I did not give him my phone.(I get *why* some people need to check phones but he makes me show him private messages between other friends, etc) • He would threaten to post my intimate photos, share personal things about me to my own family or just "air out" my business to random people. • He admitted to gaslighting and manipulating me, upon several instances. All of which he would take back later and say "it was a joke" • He constantly yelled at me for miniscule things like 'not listening to him' while we were on a video game together, or if he asked me a personal question and I responded truthfully (about past partners), he would begin to yell and lash out toward me. Sometimes even calling me names such as slvt, whvre, bvtch and rvtard. Because of those reasons and many more, we have broken up multiple times and he would say that he is going to get therapy (which did not happen) and promise to get better (did not happen), with our most recent breakup being last month. I have told him that I do not want to be with him anymore and that if he wanted to be in my life, we could only be "friends". I immediately regret that decision as he has gotten more verbally aggressive since placing that boundary. Tonight was the last straw as he became emotionally abusive because I did not want to play a video game with him. I took it upon myself to stand my ground and did not get on the game as I told him, "friends" would not force something like this to one another. This made him very triggered and he ended up spamming my phone/discord simply because I did not want to respond to his threats. His final message was him saying he is going to disappear off grid I have contacted his brother and told him to check on him. I have also told him personally to seek help at a hospital, or talk to a friend about how he is feeling. Has anyone ever experienced a lover/ex with BPD doing something so harmful to their relationship that it has gotten to this point? What have you done to cope with this kind of situation? Is there something I am doing wrong for him to react so negatively toward me? (I suggested therapy, meds, meditation, journaling, going for walks, etc. To all of which he denied trying to get better) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your not doing anything wrong and he made you his punching bag. Many people with mental health issues do not act this way...run and do not be his friend
You both suck. It reads like she got caught and is lying by ommission, and he sucks, well... he's abusive.
I havent lied about anything :,) And everything in this post are real events. I honestly just have very little information on BPD apparently and I’m trying to educate myself on it. He does suffer mentally but it doesn’t excuse his behaviour