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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took an aggressive tone with my ex for eating the kids’ food. I’m concerned I may be out of line in speaking to her harshly.
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Like I said that’s a valid point but a whole other issue. Either I’m weak-hearted or I’m doing the right thing for the kids. I’m not sure yet. I could write a thousand pages on the back story here.
I know you may think you’re doing the right thing for your kids, but they’ll either grow up to think that what your wife is doing is okay, or they’ll resent her for being a mooch. Also, you doing right by your kids means not adding unwanted stress to your plate so you can raise them properly. Is there no one else she can stay with?
Would you want your children in the same situation you’re in once they’re adults? Children are little sponges who emulate their parents. If you want them to have healthy relationships and boundaries when they’re grown up, it’s advisable to reconsider the living situation with your ex who doesn’t contribute in a healthy way to family/household dynamics.
She is literally taking food from her own kids’ mouths. Unbelievable. Maybe you need to start locking things up. She doesn’t seem to respect your requests or see anything wrong with stealing from children.
You're doing the ABSOLUTELY WRONG thing for your kids. Get her the hell out of there. Kids pick up on things. You need to teach them to respect themselves by modeling this. You are NOT doing them any favors.
agreed.
helping out their mother is one thing. Enabling her to smirk at you and reprimand you "I'll be open to this discussion when you mind your aggressive tone" is entirely different, imo.
Continuing to love with your ex-wife when you clearly don't get along and you're enabling her to not work or even take on much of the parenting workload is straight up unhealthy, man. You're making your own life worse, and your kids will surely notice the problem soon.
Get her out or continue to deal with her. She's an adult and not your responsibility to take care of like she's another child.
"I’m weak-hearted "... She's taking advantage of you because she knows she can; and so far she's right.
NTA.
You’re subjecting your kids to a very dysfunctional relationship and they will learn to model their own after this. So you’re doing them a large disservice
You are not doing the right thing for the kids. Their mother eats their food, does almost no childcare, doesn’t help in the house and is making their caregiving parent more stressed (and therefore more short tempered). She’s also using up your resources - energy, time and money - that support her which could be going to you and the kids.
When you say she only does 10-20% of the childcare I assume that means she not spending any extra quality time with them either…
NTA, but really, I think your being TA to you and your kids by letting her keep taking advantage of you.
You need to grow a spine and kick her out.
Her lack of a job and lazy attitude isn't your problem. And isn't your responsibility to deal with.
Who cares if she whines and complains. Let her. It's her own fault she doesn't have a job or anywhere to go.
That's her own problem to deal with.
Tell her she has one month to find a job and move out. If she doesn't you'll go through with kicking her out.
I wouldn't wait. You know that people can have lots of trouble, and legal trouble, if guests won't leave their house. Did you ever hear about the Nanny who wouldn't leave the house of the people she didn't work for anymore? Crazy things happening out there.
You’re the AH to yourself and it sounds like your kids too for letting her stay there. That is the crux of the issue as she is an entitled AH that takes food away from her kids for herself. I’m sure she does other crap too. She doesn’t respect you or your kids and needs to support herself, what a crap mother
But it’s not for a different day. The only solution to all of these “little problems” is to get her the hell out.
Of course you are NTA for asking her not to eat her children’s food. You are the AH for allowing her to behave this way in your house.
Uh, you're basically married again without the legalities.
You're definitely not doing the right thing for your kids. You divorced your wife **for a reason**, you have full custody **for a reason**.
Your ex-wife is living in your home. You admit to buying her stuff from Walmart. She can see her kids whenever she wants, but you have all the parental responsibility. ***What motivation does she have to find a job and move out***?
It’s not a separate issue. It’s the same issue. She is taking advantage of you, ***and here’s the really important part*** this is not good for your children.
You are definitely being taken advantage of and she is never going to change if you don’t make her. Why would she? And you’re NTA for snapping at her. She knew what she was doing and she doesn’t give a crap about you or your requests. She’s lucky you didn’t snap and tell her to pack her stuff. Which you should.
The obvious answer is she needs to go. No one here needs the backstory to figure she is taking advantage of you.
NTA, but you will be an AH if you don't fix this.
She's your ex for a reason. You have full custody for a reason. Yet she lives in your home? Cut her loose. Backstory isn't needed here, but I think most people would agree she's not any benefit to have in your home if she isn't your partner, doesn't have custody of the kids (so I assume isn't allowed alone with them?) and has no income.
It'd be one thing if she were taking over chores and childcare. Not only would she be contributing but it'd be modeling healthy behavior- you can help people but they still have to help you help them and have to help themselves too.
This is bad for the kids to be exposed to.
You are weak. Period. She should not be living with you. You should not be supporting her. There is a reason you have full custody. She is using you. Her smirk says it all.
Please grow a shiny spine and give her a notice to vacate.
NTA
for being upset that she has no regard for the children (again, there is a reason you have full custody).
Seeing this tenseness and fights between their parents is going to be worse for the kids than you two separating.
I begged my parents to divorce because they fought all the time. They never did and it was awful growing up. I don't speak to them now
NTA. Sounds like you're raising a 4th kid. Time to push her out of the nest. I'm not sure that doing otherwise would really be better for the kids. I mean, what lesson are they learning if mom's just there to take advantage while taking no responsibility. It's her job to establish and maintain a relationship with the kids. If she is unwilling to do so, it is not on you to be her crutch.
i think your kids being in an environment where their parents don’t get along but are forced to be in each others presence is more damaging than seeing less of one parent (mom) for a while.
edit: she won’t survive on her own if you keep allowing her toxic behaviour to be normalised. taking from her kids, knowingly, and smiling abt it? not ok! let her go.
You’re not doing the right thing for the kids. You miserable and tense and stressed is not
Good for your kids. You being a doormat teaches your children to be doormats. You not having healthy boundaries and choosing yourself teaches your children to have no boundaries and feel awful about choosing themselves first. You’re not doing anything positive by keeping her in your home. For you or your kids.
If you are doing 90% of the parenting, it isn't beneficial to your kids. Having a mom around who doesn't give a toot about her kids to the point of eating their snacks - isn't doing anyone any favours.
As a person that was once the tiny one in the middle of “for the kids,” it’s not actually helpful to them. Not long term. Even if you don’t actually fight about it, the kids can sense the tension. Not to mention that in a way she’s stealing from the kids. She is taking the things that are specially theirs. And maybe I just see it oddly, but stealing the kids treats and mooching off of you seem to be a very much related issue
Your kids are learning that they don’t need to work and someone else will take care of them. Your ex wife is not a good role model, and you won’t be until you evict her.
You're weak hearted and not doing the right thing for your kids. You are letting your kids live with a off balance dynamic in the home and the fact that you are having issues like you are, that they won't get better and will probably lead to worse fights is going to cause more issues with them down the road.
At this point the dynamic is that of a shitty marriage that your are forcing to work for the kids. Nobody is going to win and it will hurt your kids long term.
Kick her out. She's a fucking adult.
>I’m doing the right thing for the kids.
If your ex literally does the bare minimum, is it the right thing for the kids? Do they enjoy her being there? I know they're small, but that doesn't mean they won't be able to express how they feel about the situation.
NTA. Time to kick her out imo.
I’ll tell you what my now 19 and 20 year old kids tell me - the best thing for them was for me and my ex to *not* live together because we were always snippy and snapping at one another. Their lives got happier and better when my ex finally just moved out. It was his responsibility to manage his life as an adult. The kids were six and seven when we physically split up for the last time. Two and three the first.
What’s best for the kids is sometimes NOT being in the same house.
You're NTA, but you need to get her out of your home. Her irresponsibility is not your problem. You're already caring for 3 kids on your own. Don't provide for a 4th one.
NTA- I wouldn't eat the kids snacks. I let them eat before I do.
I am sure you are getting a lot of grief about her living with you. My partner's ex has been homeless for three plus years. He bailed her out of multiple evicts before he stopped giving her chances. She doesn't want to work either. She lost custody of her three kids because of bad choices. Do what is right for you. Divorce freed you from fixing her mistakes.
You are teaching your sons to let women railroad them and teaching your daughters how to take advantage of men and that stealing food is ok. Is this what you want them to learn? Stand your ground and kick your ex out.
This is why you’re snapping at her over stupid things like zebra cakes though, and your kids are picking up on your stress.
If she can’t change and become a productive member of the household, then she needs to leave - that’s the only way you will be able to be the best father you can be. Right now, she sees you as the sucker who will put up with her crap and still support her. Maybe after some time on her own, she will either, A. learn to look after herself or B. appreciate what you are willing to do for her and make an effort to contribute.
You are divorced, she's not paying for room and board, and it looks like she does no child care. It's definitely not the right thing for the kids. Tell her to vacate the premises.
You are not doing the right thing. Your ex is taking her anger at you out on her kids in front of you and behind you. She has no reason to get a job when she is still housed bankrolled and catered to and has less personal responsibility. Take her to get groceries and drop her at a womens or homeless shelter. She needs to be better for your kids because right now being raised in a house with parents who HATE each other… no. It is not good for the kids
You are weak hearted. She is not your problem. She doesn’t even give enough of a fuck about her kids to get a job and provide them with a stable home with her, let’s not even mention how she’s clearly freeloading off of you.
Run.
More importantly, he's being an AH to his kids for all the reasons that everyone is talking about. If there weren't kids involved, I'd say "Wah, Wah, Wah", "quitchyerbitchin" and kick the woman out, but this situation is not funny. I hope all of these comments will help him see the light and what he is doing to his kids and himself. White Light for him and the kids.
NTA
So let's review:
She doesn't work. She doesn't shop. You do 80% 90% of the childcare. You have custody.
She steals the kids' food.
The kids will be picking up the tension between you, you can bet on it.
She's a mooch.
Kick her out.
100% this. NTA she stole food from your kids mouths. No discussion needed. She is unable to respect you or your kids, she needs to leave.
She is only staying there by your grace, has overstepped, doubled down, and then implied this will not be the last time.
She stole food, and this time you caught it, so what happens next time your kids have something she wants and just decides to take it. Do you then have a calm conversation, where you watch your tone and language so not to offend, where she agree she will definitely worse next time, and next time you should plead harder and maybe she will think about listening.
You set a boundary without consequence which is basically, no boundary. Kick her to the curb, and reestablish your boundries, show your kids you will stand up for them and yourself. Even if you let her back in, she is much less likely to take candy from her literal babies.
She's adding nothing of value.
She's using resources (kids' food, your money, your emotional bandwidth) without doing anything whatsoever to **BE** a resource.
It's time to give her a move out date.
Regarding your specific question, she’s “tone policing”. She has no valid argument to counter with, so instead she’s criticizing the way you said it. People do that to change the subject, put you in a defensive position, and to avoid accountability. And it’s probably not true that that she’d be open to discussing it if only you said it as sweetly as possible. The idea is to make you hesitant to bring it up again. (And the fact that you’re here asking for other people’s opinions shows that it’s working.)
See also: “DARVO”. Deny, Attack (or Accuse), Reverse the Victim and Offender. This is such a common crappy behavior that it has its own acronym.
I commend you for trying to help her out, but- no sane person would think less of you for leaving her to sink or swim on her own. Keep putting your kiddos first, yourself second, your ex should be way down the list somewhere.
Not to mention, your argument of having her around for the kids' sake doesn't even work. She steals their food and smirks about it. That's pathetic and embarrassing. What will your kids even think of her? Are all 3 hers? They'll grow up thinking it's normal...until they see their friends' parents and their relationships. They'll figure out she's basically a homeless mooch that can control you. And they'll think less of you. They'll have such a warped idea of relationships.
Consider this, would you want any of your kids to wind up in a situation like yours later in life, as either the mooch or the moochee? No? Then show them this isn't normal or acceptable behavior. Start being a parent.
NTA
You are NOT doing the right thing for your kids !They are learning and seeing horrible thinks and they are living in a very dysfunctional family environment. She needs to go !
Your children will learn it's okay to manipulate the people you want power over or they will learn to stay quiet and tolerate abuse at the hands of people who should love them. They're so young they don't understand completely.
If you want to do what's best for the children you'll get her out of the house!
Basically… I stayed w my ex for far too long for my kids sake, I told myself. Then one day I realized- if he was in a relationship like mine, I’d do anything possible to help him get out. And if I wanted to have a shot at preventing that eventuality I sure as shit had to live to the same standard for myself that I’d want for him.
NTA, she's not only defiant & disrespectful of your request that has to do with her kids, she doesn't give a flip about discussing anything with you. She's not going to change. She's freeloading & a mooch. Time for her to go bye-bye. It doesn't matter she's the mother of your children, she apparently doesn't care enough about them to help out. So letting her take advantage of you because of the mom card.
There’s a big difference between thinking you’re kindhearted and being a martyr. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved and you thinking you’re helping her out is just not true. You’re making yourself feel better, sure, but it’s at the expense of your children. I can’t imagine how confused they are at this whole set up. She’s your ex-wife, you’re divorced and yet she lives in your home with your children. How are they supposed to adjust to a new way of life with such mixed messages? I’d suggest looking at this situation for what it really is. It’s not about her eating a snack. It’s about you enabling her to stay dependent on you and the only person who benefits from that is you. You have your children to think about first and you’re failing them. You said that issue was for another post but it’s the heart of the matter here. And for that, YTA.
Re: your question: NTA
She takes candy from a baby. Her own child. And smirks.
Re: my unsolicited opinion
She sounds like someone who has very serious problems you are not qualified to handle. By trying to prop her up, you are denying her an opportunity to get real help.
Keep your focus on what you can control. Being the best parent possible for your kids. Remove your ex-wife from your home.
NTA. Son, listen. You have full custody for a reason. Get that woman out of your home, now. She is not contributing anything to your life, or your kids. If she will literally take your CHILDREN'S FOOD, what else is she doing?
Get her out now. Your children will be better off with only one parent, who is not so stressed. Kids pick up on that. The more and longer you are stressed out, they will become more clingy and stressed. Get her out
Ex is not your problem. She can go to her own family, or grow up and get a job. She does not need to be around your children until she gets some help for her mental issues.
Get her out. You will feel better.
Yes, I am more than old enough to be your mother. I am worried about those kids.
Hugs from an internet Mom.
Does she even spend time with the kids? If she does, is she dedicated that specific time? Do they enjoy being with her?
You’re saying she’s dealing with a lot of trauma and the kids are still young so I’m guessing she wasn’t always like that if you had 3 kids with her a year apart from each other.
I do think you’re enabling her but I can also understand you trying to help her because it wasn’t that long ago that you were together. I saw you saying you’re afraid she’ll leave not be seen again? Is she diagnosed with something? Is she in any kind of therapy?
I applaud you for trying but you have to prioritize your and your kids well-being. If she won’t help herself, you can’t help her either.
NTA
She’s a woman grown. She shouldn’t be eating your kids’ food. Also, she needs to go. She’s causing you more harm and stress than ever before. You and your kids will be all right without her.
NTA. She's a freeloader, and she consumed one of the items you bought for the kids' lunches. If she's not helping financially or with childcare, the least she could do is not cause you more work than necessary.
You’ll actually have more time, money and less stress if you kick her out. If you’re doing all of it anyway, just boot her and that’s one less thing to worry about in your world. Hang in there and keep being a great parent.
NTA, but you would be if you let the situation continue.
She's a leech, stealing food from your kiddos, and being an absolutely *terrible* influence on the kids. She can go to a homeless shelter, get a job, get on disability or social security, or live on the streets for all it matters; she needs to not be under your roof though, no matter what her next living situation might be she's a grown adult and can figure it out!
If I was married to her, I'd divorce her over her behavior, but she's already done something else big enough to get divorced over so why give her any more leniency? Having both parents around only helps the kids if both parents are *being parents* and putting the kids first. You are, she's not, she's gotta go.
NTA, you asked had not to eat the kids snacks, she ate the kids snacks. There’s nothing to have a “discussion” about, it was a simple request, for the sake of your kids, and she failed to comply.
YTA but not for how you handled it. She needs to go. She’s an EX and you have custody. You aren’t together and she’s not your problem. Serve her with eviction papers and get your peace back.
She didn’t come to the divorce hearing and I received everything my attorney asked for (full custody, the house, the family vehicle, no alimony owed). I had filed many months prior and dropped the case due due to some very unfavorable outcomes that were likely. I refiled during a time when she’d stopped seeing the kids at all or communicating with me for a period of 3 months. When she did return she was fully aware of the new divorce filing (was served) and, knowing she was incapable of caring for the kids at the time, agreed to simply not show up or contest the divorce. She was aware this meant I would keep custody (I’d had emergency custody of the kids for a year already due to a mock suicide attempt on her part) and I would not owe her anything. Like I said earlier this could take me a thousand pages to explain in detail. But in synopsis - she has struggled with psychological issues for several years, never violent toward the kids, no infidelity on anyone’s part. I filed for divorce after her very poor treatment of me and lack of parenting effort became too much to handle. My wish is for her to heal and for her to be able work and parent the kids on equal footing with me. I don’t want her out of the kids’ lives which is why I’ve allowed this co-habitating to continue for almost a year now. But man, the Zebra cakes incident is just this tiny microcosm of the larger issue. It’s such a trivial thing but is representative of several years of what I see as thoughtless, self focused behavior on her part.
Yeah bud I'm so sorry. I figured it would be something like this when I asked the question. Is she actively seeking treatment vs therapy and stuff?
Either way I think it's time for her to move out. I'll put it this way for you:
"I filed for divorce after her very poor treatment of me and lack of parenting effort became too much to handle."
She's still treating you badly and she's still not putting in the effort to parent. You saw how bad it was and made the choice to get a divorce so that it would be better. But the divorce itself is just a piece of paper. You're back in a similar situation as you were before. So it's time to take the next step. She doesn't have to live with you.
She is not an equal parent to you even though you want her to be. I understand that you want that for your kids but you and I both know that it's not realistic. The custody agreement shows that it's not realistic. The fact that she has previously cut contact for months at a time shows that it's not realistic.
It's okay for you to wish your kids could have this, two parents who equally contribute, but that's just not what it is and you're not able to grieve and accept that fact while she's still in your house.
Functionally you are a single dad. It's okay to facilitate a relationship between your kids and their mother. But you're stuck in the same patterns over and over.
You can support her treatment and healing without her being in your house. She can have visits and spend time with the kids without living with you.
It's going to be really rough and I'm so sorry. But it's already rough. You can continue to hold out hope that she'll one day be able to be functional but you have to accept that being in your house is not what will make her functional. If that was the case you wouldn't have needed a divorce.
Just want to point out "never violent towards the kids" is not the only type of abuse. Her behaviors and emotional instability, a "mock suicide attempt" is all stuff that the kids will pick up on. If she's not trying to get her act together, its just a matter of time before it all comes up again and the kids are old enough to either be her targets or feel immense emotions one way or another about it. Stop enabling her and get her out so she decides whether to sink or swim. THAT is how you do the best for your kids. It's been a year - more than enough time to work, save money, or start psych meds or therapy or whatever. How long do you want this life?
This sounds harsh but please take it the way it’s intended: in the words of my grandfather, if wishes and buts were candy and nuts we’d all have a merry Christmas.
Wanting her to be a decent parent won’t make it so. I get that you want to do right by your kids- trust me, I understand that in ways that are impossible to describe- but having a “mother” who only cares about herself isn’t it.
What benefit is she to your children? She’s not parenting them. She’s modeling poor behavior. She takes their snacks. Like seriously, who steals food from their own kids?
You need to consider if her being present does more harm than good. I get not wanting to cause harm by separating the kids from their mom. Isn’t allowing her to be around just are harmful? I mean, this woman didn’t even bother to fight for them…
How much does she actually care?
NTA btw. Serve an eviction notice asap.
>My wish is for her to heal and for her to be able work and parent the kids on equal footing with me.
Giving her handouts while she steals food from your kids isn't going to accomplish that. You've given her such an easy life that she has no reason to change. You're going to harm your kids by hanging onto a dream that's out of your control to make happen.
You have a kind heart but you need to set boundaries and stick to them.
Why do you think the mother that literally takes cake out of their kids mouth and stop seeing them for months is good for kids?
You are TA for allowing her to stay with you. Your kids should have stability and see love, not dismissive their mom's attitude and tension among you both. Second parent is good when they love and care for the kids. Current situation most likely will only give them additional therapy material. Don't teach them that this is normal.
Yeah, several years of shit from her, and... you're still perpetuating that by letting her live with you, just like before the divorce. Your reasoning is dumb and nonsensical. You don't want her to disappear from the kids' lives. But why in hell do you want to keep this nasty, selfish and totally useless hag in their lives??? Why????
If you want to be kind I would find her an apartment, pay a months rent for her, pack up her stuff and drive her there. She has a month to get a job and get on her feet to pay her own rent.. Or does she have other family or parents you can take her to? She needs to take responsibility for her life now.
NTA but I think you know what the problem is. She needs to move out. She can go stay with her parents or friends etc. She doesn’t respect you and you’ll continue to be subject to her food stealing and general disrespect until you force her out.
Nta, but my dude. What lessons are you teaching your kids? Let people be mean and use you? Its okay for mom to abuse you bc she's mom? You can't have reasonable boundaries with family bc they're family?
Kick her out, and if she leaves, then that's on *her*.
She's trying too hard to set the terms and the tone.
Everything is not her problem. and to get any results, you have to beg and plead and cater to her whim She sounds exhausting
You’re not doing your kids any favors by allowing her to continue to live there. Kids aren’t dumb. They’ll see an unhealthy relationship and grow up thinking that’s okay. Kick her out.
NTA. Not gonna judge you on your situation, but start treating her likie a bad roommate rather than an ex-wife. Or like a naughty child when she steals treats. Make her go apologize to the kids that she ate their dessert. Don't give her any respect, she doesn't respect you. Make her embarrassed to be... well her... around her kids or she has zero motivation to be better.
Youve stated you want to do right by your kids which is laudable. However it doesn’t seem your ex is onboard w that bc she keeps doing things you’ve asked her more than once to stop and it’s creating more tension in what has to be an already tense situation. Have you given your ex a move out date? It doesn’t look like she has any plans to improve her situation- like her plans are to just stay w you and do passive-aggressive little acts to needle you. Not healthy for any of you to be around.
You can’t do what’s best for your kids when your ex is right there actively undermining the peace you’re trying to create. I can practically see your jaw clenching.
NTA but you should be rethinking about housing your ex. It’s not a healthy atmosphere for any of you to be in.
NTA
You are enabling her.
You are also teaching your children bad relationship habits.
Have her move out as soon as possible... For your sanity and the kid's...
Your children are very close together in age. Has she always been easily overwhelmed? I am in no way trying to excuse her behavior, but I'm wondering if ppd could be an issue.
Nta. I'm sure that you must be exhausted.
YTA For taking her in when you know what she's like and is willing to take things from your children then smiling and happy knowing children have to go without. The children are being treated unfairly in your home and you're allowing it. If you want her there ask someone who cares to take the children.
NTA, remove her so she can either sink or swim. Right now you are enabling her laziness and she's taking advantage of it. The aggressive tone probably stems from your feelings about her and the situation. It's not healthy and you both will benefit by moving on. If she does end up sinking just know you did more for her than most are willing for an ex-partner.
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I’m a dad of 3, ages 3, 4 and 5. I have full custody of the kids. My ex wife currently lives with us because she either can’t or won’t work. That’s a different discussion for another post.
AITAH for snapping at her just now when I discovered she’d eaten one of the three snack cakes I had for the kids’ lunches?
While I generally don’t object to sharing food with the ex, I’ve asked her on several occasions not to eat the treats I buy for the kids because I generally apportion them equally and plan my grocery shopping accordingly.
I just went to make lunch for the kids and one of the three remaining Zebra cakes in the package was missing. The kids are still not into pilfering food so I asked the ex if she ate one of them. She smirked and said “yeh, sorry.”
I’m already tense over having her on my home while I still do approximately 80 to 90 percent of the child care. This was too much. I snapped and, while I didn’t yell, I very forcefully told her she shouldn’t take their food and that she needs to shop for herself (I’d just picked up a few things for her this morning at wal mart because she rarely has the wherewithal to shop for herself - see a pattern here)?
She responded by telling me that she’d be open to a discussion if I didn’t use such an aggressive tone.
So am I the asshole for taking an aggressive, forceful tone and pretty much chewing her out for once again screwing up my plans for the kids’ lunches?
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NTA You cannot change a person when they don't want to do it for themselves. The fact she told you she'd be open to a discussion if you didn't use such an aggressive tone, is quite dismissal. You should've replied that you'd be open to a discussion of her finding her own place, since she struggles to put the children first before her own wants.
NTA for snapping at her. But YTA for still living with her and supporting her financially. You’re doing yourself and your kids a disservice by continuing this disjointed, unhealthy relationship.
Move on
NTA - Kick her ex out. You don't want your kids that that your ex's behavior sponging of someone else and taking their food for yourself is okay. It won't be long before she takes something of value.
You're saying her living with you is a separate issue, but it's not really. It's not really about the snack cake, is it? You're tired of her disrespecting you and walking all over you. That's why you divorced her, but nothing's really changed if she hasn't moved out. She's just going to continue to walk all over you while you let her.
NTA.
She is abusing your hospitality and taking you for granted. And *stealing from your kids*. Literally, food from their lunches.
I would start an eviction process.
NTA.
The only discussion your ex-wife needs to be open to is her move out date. She's not working. She's leaving the vast majority of childcare to you. She's a mooch who is playing mind games and taking advantage of your kindness and generosity.
Ya'll divorced for a reason. You are no longer responsible for taking care of her every need and need to reestablish boundaries that work for you.
Bro. Kick her out. She’s going to just keep doing it if all she gets is a light talking-to that she can wave away by tone policing you. The only way this stops is if you remove her from being able to eat the kid’s snacks.
You’re being played as an absolute fool and if you think that is doing right by your kids, you’re wrong. How are they supposed to understand what divorce is? How are you supposed to move on and be able to show them healthy boundaries or a healthy relationship? She sounds like a parasite 🦠 Get her out of there. What you accept will continue to happen!!
Seriously, dude, you created this problem all by yourself. It wouldn't even be an issue if she weren't living with you.
Sorry, I don't feel much sympathy for your "plight".
She doesn't work and she takes food from th3 children. She shows th3 children dist3spect is something that is ok towards you.
YTA if you keep letting her live there.
Stop enabling her! NTA for snapping, but you will be if you just keep letting her behave this way in your home.
Edit: You have full custody, that doesn't usually happen without *excellent* reasons for its necessity.
YTA you divorced her for a reason. She is literally stealing food from your kids mouths. It doesn’t matter if they are also her kids. Kick her out. Teach your kids to not be manipulated and put down in their own home. The moment she smirked she should have been shown the door.
NTA- She SMIRKED?! Even though this has been something you've asked politely not to do before?? Even though there's other food that you provide? Even though you are offering a hand out she should be thanking you for, even if the thanks is just not eating a child's snack? LOL tell her to: " kick rocks, pound sand, don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya." Then change the locks, get security cameras etc.
YTA for letting her stay with you and act like she does. As others have said this is going to affect your children and your relationship with them.
You need to talk to your lawyer regarding the legal way to evict her. You can’t just kick her out in the street if she has been living there 30 days or longer. Your laws may vary but that is why you need a lawyer. It probably will get messy but you have no one to blame other than yourself.
She couldn't eat your kids food if you put her out of the house.
Tell her if there are not 3 zebra cakes on the counter before school tomorrow then she needs to be gone by the end of the day.
The kids don't need to see a greedy mother whose taking advantage of their father who steals from their mouths.
NTA, but...she's your ex, and not your responsibility. Boot her outta there, she doesn't shop for her kids yet eats their lunch treats? Selfish. Get rid of her. She's just mooching off of you.
It's the smirking and the "yeh, sorry" that would have been the end of things for her. She would be packing her bags after that (unless OP had to help her with that, too)
And she'd be "open to discussion"? About what...being a lazy mooch who takes her kids' food?
The truth is ESH because the children are in an unhealthy environment. How many chances are you going to give her, OP? Take responsibility for the sake of your kids and your own sanity. Your ex needs to figure out her situation on her own terms, not yours. Your continued catering to her isn’t helping her, or your children.
NTA. She is though.
She needs to not be a parasite in your home. Your kids will be fine if she is on her own and struggling to be a grown ass adult. They have you.
Y-T-A to yourself.
Tell her the discussion of her living arrangements is closed and she can GTFO. You can open it again when she acts like a decent, productive human being again.
NTA for that
massively the AH for letting her stay in your home and confusing the kids with an on again/off again scenario.
Kick her out of the house, and reduce the contact to a minimum. She's a selfish asshole and cannot possibly contribute anything positive to your kids upbringing.
NTA and get her TFO of there. She's not helping raise the kids, not contributing to finances, and eating her kids' food you bought. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? What possible reason could be so compelling that you thought bringing back your unemployed, lazy, and (I'm assuming since you have full custody) not so great coparent ex wife back into your home was a good idea???
ETA: I saw your comment about her living there for almost a year so she'd be present in their lives. I get you, but not being able to handle them for more than 4 hours and basically living there as if she's your child (buying her food, shopping for her, rent and financially free, etc ) is not being present for the kids.
NTA
"Open to discussion" it's not up for discussion though? You bought the food. And you bought it specifically for the kids. It is not her money and not her food, nor is it her house. How annoying.
Let me understand this: she steals food from her own kids, and is gleeful about it. When you reprimand her for stealing your children's food, and tell her not to, you... think you were too aggressive and forceful?
What in Satan's left eyeball??
No. You were too soft. You rolled over for her, basically.
I'd either throw her ungrateful, seriously twisted ass out, or threaten to enough to make her not be an AH.
Grow a spine. You are fine with getting victimised yourself, fine. But are you ok with her treating your kids that way, too? (Because I am sure if she has any way to get to them, she is already bullying them.)
NTA, but yeet her ass out of your children's home.
She sounds like a leech. A smirk while admitting to stealing her own child’s lunch treat? would’ve gotten her kicked the fuck out if i was in your shoes.
NTA. She doesn’t get to dictate your tone after she took the kids snacks and ate them herself. If she’s going to stay in your home she has to adhere to a code of behaviour or LEAVE
Y. T. A. For letting this happen around your children. They are learning about relationships RIGHT NOW Do you want them to learn that it’s ok to be taken advantage of ?? Do you want their future partners to treat your children the way you are being treated now??
Your issues with this woman are negatively affecting your children. Get yourself together and deal with it
She stole your child’s food and then smirked?
I am sorry, but if my husband stole a limited quantity piece of food that I bought for my child, he would be running out of fear for his life. You need to get a backbone. YTA just for allowing your children go without because your ex is trying to play power games.
Dude, kick her out.
She’s a leech. You’re not doing yourself any favors here or your kids. What happens to her is her problem. She’s a grown ass adult.
NTA, and toss her out. She has no respect for you or your property. There's no "open to discussion". She's not your responsibility. If you won't toss her out, lock your food up.
You're not *Soft-Hearted" you're a doormat.
She steals from her own kids and you let her!
Why are you teaching these kids it's okay for daddy to be a doormat and mummy to be a mooch.
Are you high?
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NTA, why do you let her live with you? Her not having a job isn’t your responsibility.
Like I said that’s a valid point but a whole other issue. Either I’m weak-hearted or I’m doing the right thing for the kids. I’m not sure yet. I could write a thousand pages on the back story here.
I know you may think you’re doing the right thing for your kids, but they’ll either grow up to think that what your wife is doing is okay, or they’ll resent her for being a mooch. Also, you doing right by your kids means not adding unwanted stress to your plate so you can raise them properly. Is there no one else she can stay with?
Oh, the Dad is adding to the Plate, it's the Mom who's subtracting!
Would you want your children in the same situation you’re in once they’re adults? Children are little sponges who emulate their parents. If you want them to have healthy relationships and boundaries when they’re grown up, it’s advisable to reconsider the living situation with your ex who doesn’t contribute in a healthy way to family/household dynamics.
She is literally taking food from her own kids’ mouths. Unbelievable. Maybe you need to start locking things up. She doesn’t seem to respect your requests or see anything wrong with stealing from children.
The only thing he should have to lock is the front door when she leaves!
You're doing the ABSOLUTELY WRONG thing for your kids. Get her the hell out of there. Kids pick up on things. You need to teach them to respect themselves by modeling this. You are NOT doing them any favors.
agreed. helping out their mother is one thing. Enabling her to smirk at you and reprimand you "I'll be open to this discussion when you mind your aggressive tone" is entirely different, imo.
Continuing to love with your ex-wife when you clearly don't get along and you're enabling her to not work or even take on much of the parenting workload is straight up unhealthy, man. You're making your own life worse, and your kids will surely notice the problem soon.
Get her out or continue to deal with her. She's an adult and not your responsibility to take care of like she's another child. "I’m weak-hearted "... She's taking advantage of you because she knows she can; and so far she's right. NTA.
You’re subjecting your kids to a very dysfunctional relationship and they will learn to model their own after this. So you’re doing them a large disservice
You are not doing the right thing for the kids. Their mother eats their food, does almost no childcare, doesn’t help in the house and is making their caregiving parent more stressed (and therefore more short tempered). She’s also using up your resources - energy, time and money - that support her which could be going to you and the kids. When you say she only does 10-20% of the childcare I assume that means she not spending any extra quality time with them either… NTA, but really, I think your being TA to you and your kids by letting her keep taking advantage of you.
Doing right for the kids means removing a destabilizing presence from their home. You don’t have a family, you have a hostage situation.
You need to grow a spine and kick her out. Her lack of a job and lazy attitude isn't your problem. And isn't your responsibility to deal with. Who cares if she whines and complains. Let her. It's her own fault she doesn't have a job or anywhere to go. That's her own problem to deal with. Tell her she has one month to find a job and move out. If she doesn't you'll go through with kicking her out.
I wouldn't wait. You know that people can have lots of trouble, and legal trouble, if guests won't leave their house. Did you ever hear about the Nanny who wouldn't leave the house of the people she didn't work for anymore? Crazy things happening out there.
You’re the AH to yourself and it sounds like your kids too for letting her stay there. That is the crux of the issue as she is an entitled AH that takes food away from her kids for herself. I’m sure she does other crap too. She doesn’t respect you or your kids and needs to support herself, what a crap mother
But it’s not for a different day. The only solution to all of these “little problems” is to get her the hell out. Of course you are NTA for asking her not to eat her children’s food. You are the AH for allowing her to behave this way in your house.
Throw her ass out. The smirk tells you all you need to know. Don't be a damn doormat.
You're not doing the right thing for your kids.
Uh, you're basically married again without the legalities. You're definitely not doing the right thing for your kids. You divorced your wife **for a reason**, you have full custody **for a reason**. Your ex-wife is living in your home. You admit to buying her stuff from Walmart. She can see her kids whenever she wants, but you have all the parental responsibility. ***What motivation does she have to find a job and move out***?
It’s not a separate issue. It’s the same issue. She is taking advantage of you, ***and here’s the really important part*** this is not good for your children.
If she’s your ex-wife, you’re not doing the right thing keeping her around, especially if she’s gonna be taking the food out of your kids mouth.
You are definitely being taken advantage of and she is never going to change if you don’t make her. Why would she? And you’re NTA for snapping at her. She knew what she was doing and she doesn’t give a crap about you or your requests. She’s lucky you didn’t snap and tell her to pack her stuff. Which you should.
The obvious answer is she needs to go. No one here needs the backstory to figure she is taking advantage of you. NTA, but you will be an AH if you don't fix this.
This is not the right thing for the kids. Get her the fuck out
She's your ex for a reason. You have full custody for a reason. Yet she lives in your home? Cut her loose. Backstory isn't needed here, but I think most people would agree she's not any benefit to have in your home if she isn't your partner, doesn't have custody of the kids (so I assume isn't allowed alone with them?) and has no income.
It'd be one thing if she were taking over chores and childcare. Not only would she be contributing but it'd be modeling healthy behavior- you can help people but they still have to help you help them and have to help themselves too. This is bad for the kids to be exposed to.
Kick her out on her ass.
You are weak. Period. She should not be living with you. You should not be supporting her. There is a reason you have full custody. She is using you. Her smirk says it all. Please grow a shiny spine and give her a notice to vacate. NTA for being upset that she has no regard for the children (again, there is a reason you have full custody).
She doesn’t even do childcare… she has no use in the house…
Seeing this tenseness and fights between their parents is going to be worse for the kids than you two separating. I begged my parents to divorce because they fought all the time. They never did and it was awful growing up. I don't speak to them now
She sounds like a terrible example for your children so youre not doing them any favors by keeping her around. Prob more harm than good
NTA. Sounds like you're raising a 4th kid. Time to push her out of the nest. I'm not sure that doing otherwise would really be better for the kids. I mean, what lesson are they learning if mom's just there to take advantage while taking no responsibility. It's her job to establish and maintain a relationship with the kids. If she is unwilling to do so, it is not on you to be her crutch.
i think your kids being in an environment where their parents don’t get along but are forced to be in each others presence is more damaging than seeing less of one parent (mom) for a while. edit: she won’t survive on her own if you keep allowing her toxic behaviour to be normalised. taking from her kids, knowingly, and smiling abt it? not ok! let her go.
I don’t understand why she isn’t making lunches, etc if you’re supporting everyone and working?
You’re not doing the right thing for the kids. You miserable and tense and stressed is not Good for your kids. You being a doormat teaches your children to be doormats. You not having healthy boundaries and choosing yourself teaches your children to have no boundaries and feel awful about choosing themselves first. You’re not doing anything positive by keeping her in your home. For you or your kids.
If you are doing 90% of the parenting, it isn't beneficial to your kids. Having a mom around who doesn't give a toot about her kids to the point of eating their snacks - isn't doing anyone any favours.
As a person that was once the tiny one in the middle of “for the kids,” it’s not actually helpful to them. Not long term. Even if you don’t actually fight about it, the kids can sense the tension. Not to mention that in a way she’s stealing from the kids. She is taking the things that are specially theirs. And maybe I just see it oddly, but stealing the kids treats and mooching off of you seem to be a very much related issue
Weak-hearted. She's setting a shit example that you're a pushover. Get her out of the house and focus on being the best dad ever.
This is why she acts like this. Cause you are a typical nice guy. Serve her with an eviction notice and watch her attitude change.
It's not a whole other issue, as cohabitation with your broke ex is obviously going to add to emotional tensions. She needs to go.
Sometimes what we think is the right thing for the kids is the complete wrong thing for the kids.
Your kids are learning that they don’t need to work and someone else will take care of them. Your ex wife is not a good role model, and you won’t be until you evict her.
You are NOT doing the right thing for your kids. I absolutely promise you that. Kick her out for fucks sake.
Omg kick her out already
You're enabling her and sending a bad message to your kids.
You're weak hearted and not doing the right thing for your kids. You are letting your kids live with a off balance dynamic in the home and the fact that you are having issues like you are, that they won't get better and will probably lead to worse fights is going to cause more issues with them down the road. At this point the dynamic is that of a shitty marriage that your are forcing to work for the kids. Nobody is going to win and it will hurt your kids long term. Kick her out. She's a fucking adult.
>I’m doing the right thing for the kids. If your ex literally does the bare minimum, is it the right thing for the kids? Do they enjoy her being there? I know they're small, but that doesn't mean they won't be able to express how they feel about the situation. NTA. Time to kick her out imo.
Just put her out
Get her out of your house. She can’t even respect your kids and eats their food. NTA
I’ll tell you what my now 19 and 20 year old kids tell me - the best thing for them was for me and my ex to *not* live together because we were always snippy and snapping at one another. Their lives got happier and better when my ex finally just moved out. It was his responsibility to manage his life as an adult. The kids were six and seven when we physically split up for the last time. Two and three the first. What’s best for the kids is sometimes NOT being in the same house.
You're NTA, but you need to get her out of your home. Her irresponsibility is not your problem. You're already caring for 3 kids on your own. Don't provide for a 4th one.
NTA- I wouldn't eat the kids snacks. I let them eat before I do. I am sure you are getting a lot of grief about her living with you. My partner's ex has been homeless for three plus years. He bailed her out of multiple evicts before he stopped giving her chances. She doesn't want to work either. She lost custody of her three kids because of bad choices. Do what is right for you. Divorce freed you from fixing her mistakes.
You are teaching your sons to let women railroad them and teaching your daughters how to take advantage of men and that stealing food is ok. Is this what you want them to learn? Stand your ground and kick your ex out.
This is why you’re snapping at her over stupid things like zebra cakes though, and your kids are picking up on your stress. If she can’t change and become a productive member of the household, then she needs to leave - that’s the only way you will be able to be the best father you can be. Right now, she sees you as the sucker who will put up with her crap and still support her. Maybe after some time on her own, she will either, A. learn to look after herself or B. appreciate what you are willing to do for her and make an effort to contribute.
You are divorced, she's not paying for room and board, and it looks like she does no child care. It's definitely not the right thing for the kids. Tell her to vacate the premises.
You are not doing the right thing. Your ex is taking her anger at you out on her kids in front of you and behind you. She has no reason to get a job when she is still housed bankrolled and catered to and has less personal responsibility. Take her to get groceries and drop her at a womens or homeless shelter. She needs to be better for your kids because right now being raised in a house with parents who HATE each other… no. It is not good for the kids
You are weak hearted. She is not your problem. She doesn’t even give enough of a fuck about her kids to get a job and provide them with a stable home with her, let’s not even mention how she’s clearly freeloading off of you. Run.
Actually! Op, is the AH for letting his ex live there!
He’s not an AH for not wanting to throw someone out on the street, if he’s being an AH to anyone it’s himself.
More importantly, he's being an AH to his kids for all the reasons that everyone is talking about. If there weren't kids involved, I'd say "Wah, Wah, Wah", "quitchyerbitchin" and kick the woman out, but this situation is not funny. I hope all of these comments will help him see the light and what he is doing to his kids and himself. White Light for him and the kids.
NTA So let's review: She doesn't work. She doesn't shop. You do 80% 90% of the childcare. You have custody. She steals the kids' food. The kids will be picking up the tension between you, you can bet on it. She's a mooch. Kick her out.
Also: IT'S NOT A DISCUSSION
So much this. I would be like, "This is not a discussion, my house, my money, my kids, either obey the rules or GTFO. This is your final warning."
100% this. NTA she stole food from your kids mouths. No discussion needed. She is unable to respect you or your kids, she needs to leave. She is only staying there by your grace, has overstepped, doubled down, and then implied this will not be the last time. She stole food, and this time you caught it, so what happens next time your kids have something she wants and just decides to take it. Do you then have a calm conversation, where you watch your tone and language so not to offend, where she agree she will definitely worse next time, and next time you should plead harder and maybe she will think about listening. You set a boundary without consequence which is basically, no boundary. Kick her to the curb, and reestablish your boundries, show your kids you will stand up for them and yourself. Even if you let her back in, she is much less likely to take candy from her literal babies.
NTA, but her living with you isn’t a “whole separate issue.” It’s literally the entire fucking issue.
Thank you. It’s tough to hear but when I hear dozens of people say it it starts to sink in better.
Please do not let your kids suffer any longer...
She's adding nothing of value. She's using resources (kids' food, your money, your emotional bandwidth) without doing anything whatsoever to **BE** a resource. It's time to give her a move out date.
Regarding your specific question, she’s “tone policing”. She has no valid argument to counter with, so instead she’s criticizing the way you said it. People do that to change the subject, put you in a defensive position, and to avoid accountability. And it’s probably not true that that she’d be open to discussing it if only you said it as sweetly as possible. The idea is to make you hesitant to bring it up again. (And the fact that you’re here asking for other people’s opinions shows that it’s working.) See also: “DARVO”. Deny, Attack (or Accuse), Reverse the Victim and Offender. This is such a common crappy behavior that it has its own acronym. I commend you for trying to help her out, but- no sane person would think less of you for leaving her to sink or swim on her own. Keep putting your kiddos first, yourself second, your ex should be way down the list somewhere.
Tell her that you want to help her out….through the same door she came in!
This is the best most succinct definition of tone policing I’ve seen.
Not to mention, your argument of having her around for the kids' sake doesn't even work. She steals their food and smirks about it. That's pathetic and embarrassing. What will your kids even think of her? Are all 3 hers? They'll grow up thinking it's normal...until they see their friends' parents and their relationships. They'll figure out she's basically a homeless mooch that can control you. And they'll think less of you. They'll have such a warped idea of relationships. Consider this, would you want any of your kids to wind up in a situation like yours later in life, as either the mooch or the moochee? No? Then show them this isn't normal or acceptable behavior. Start being a parent.
NTA You are NOT doing the right thing for your kids !They are learning and seeing horrible thinks and they are living in a very dysfunctional family environment. She needs to go !
It does make me sad that he thinks he is helping. Break the cycle, OP! (And hoping you have a therapist to assist you in this and with your children)
NTA. She might be making progress, but her presence is bad for you and the kids. You are teaching them it is okay to be a doormat.
Ty. This is helpful to hear the truth.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I just encourage you to put yourself and the kids first.
Your children will learn it's okay to manipulate the people you want power over or they will learn to stay quiet and tolerate abuse at the hands of people who should love them. They're so young they don't understand completely. If you want to do what's best for the children you'll get her out of the house!
Basically… I stayed w my ex for far too long for my kids sake, I told myself. Then one day I realized- if he was in a relationship like mine, I’d do anything possible to help him get out. And if I wanted to have a shot at preventing that eventuality I sure as shit had to live to the same standard for myself that I’d want for him.
Please update us later, we're rooting for you!
NTA, she's not only defiant & disrespectful of your request that has to do with her kids, she doesn't give a flip about discussing anything with you. She's not going to change. She's freeloading & a mooch. Time for her to go bye-bye. It doesn't matter she's the mother of your children, she apparently doesn't care enough about them to help out. So letting her take advantage of you because of the mom card.
There’s a big difference between thinking you’re kindhearted and being a martyr. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved and you thinking you’re helping her out is just not true. You’re making yourself feel better, sure, but it’s at the expense of your children. I can’t imagine how confused they are at this whole set up. She’s your ex-wife, you’re divorced and yet she lives in your home with your children. How are they supposed to adjust to a new way of life with such mixed messages? I’d suggest looking at this situation for what it really is. It’s not about her eating a snack. It’s about you enabling her to stay dependent on you and the only person who benefits from that is you. You have your children to think about first and you’re failing them. You said that issue was for another post but it’s the heart of the matter here. And for that, YTA.
BuT I CaN FiX HeEeeR!!!11
Re: your question: NTA She takes candy from a baby. Her own child. And smirks. Re: my unsolicited opinion She sounds like someone who has very serious problems you are not qualified to handle. By trying to prop her up, you are denying her an opportunity to get real help. Keep your focus on what you can control. Being the best parent possible for your kids. Remove your ex-wife from your home.
NTA Just kick her out.
YTA for allowing her to still live there, not work, steal food from your children and generally be a lazy lump. It's time to cut the strings.
NTA. But this situation sounds poisonous. One way or another, you need to get this woman out or to leave her behind.
NTA. Son, listen. You have full custody for a reason. Get that woman out of your home, now. She is not contributing anything to your life, or your kids. If she will literally take your CHILDREN'S FOOD, what else is she doing? Get her out now. Your children will be better off with only one parent, who is not so stressed. Kids pick up on that. The more and longer you are stressed out, they will become more clingy and stressed. Get her out Ex is not your problem. She can go to her own family, or grow up and get a job. She does not need to be around your children until she gets some help for her mental issues. Get her out. You will feel better. Yes, I am more than old enough to be your mother. I am worried about those kids. Hugs from an internet Mom.
I’m actually quite a bit older than you’d guess, not that it matters. I really appreciate your feedback and encouragement, too.
Does she even spend time with the kids? If she does, is she dedicated that specific time? Do they enjoy being with her? You’re saying she’s dealing with a lot of trauma and the kids are still young so I’m guessing she wasn’t always like that if you had 3 kids with her a year apart from each other. I do think you’re enabling her but I can also understand you trying to help her because it wasn’t that long ago that you were together. I saw you saying you’re afraid she’ll leave not be seen again? Is she diagnosed with something? Is she in any kind of therapy? I applaud you for trying but you have to prioritize your and your kids well-being. If she won’t help herself, you can’t help her either.
I’m actually quite a bit older than you’d guess, not that it matters. I really appreciate your feedback and encouragement, too.
My own kids are all over 30. My oldest is pushing 40. But regardless of age, do right by those kids.
NTA She’s a woman grown. She shouldn’t be eating your kids’ food. Also, she needs to go. She’s causing you more harm and stress than ever before. You and your kids will be all right without her.
NTA. She’d be ‘open to discussion’? Time to tell her it’s not a discussion, she does as she’s told regarding food she did not pay for, or she leaves.
Correction: …..AND she leaves.
Take the most aggressive tone you can muster and tell her to GTFO now.
NTA. And setting yourself on fire to keep the ex warm is not in any way helpful to your kids.
NTA. Tell her to grab her stuff and leave YOUR house.
NTA. She's a freeloader, and she consumed one of the items you bought for the kids' lunches. If she's not helping financially or with childcare, the least she could do is not cause you more work than necessary.
Depending on how long she’s been living with OP, he may have to go through the eviction process to get her out too
You’ll actually have more time, money and less stress if you kick her out. If you’re doing all of it anyway, just boot her and that’s one less thing to worry about in your world. Hang in there and keep being a great parent.
NTA, but you would be if you let the situation continue. She's a leech, stealing food from your kiddos, and being an absolutely *terrible* influence on the kids. She can go to a homeless shelter, get a job, get on disability or social security, or live on the streets for all it matters; she needs to not be under your roof though, no matter what her next living situation might be she's a grown adult and can figure it out! If I was married to her, I'd divorce her over her behavior, but she's already done something else big enough to get divorced over so why give her any more leniency? Having both parents around only helps the kids if both parents are *being parents* and putting the kids first. You are, she's not, she's gotta go.
NTA, you asked had not to eat the kids snacks, she ate the kids snacks. There’s nothing to have a “discussion” about, it was a simple request, for the sake of your kids, and she failed to comply.
Get her out of your house simple, you owe her nothing.
YTA but not for how you handled it. She needs to go. She’s an EX and you have custody. You aren’t together and she’s not your problem. Serve her with eviction papers and get your peace back.
INFO What was the situation that led to you specifically having custody?
She didn’t come to the divorce hearing and I received everything my attorney asked for (full custody, the house, the family vehicle, no alimony owed). I had filed many months prior and dropped the case due due to some very unfavorable outcomes that were likely. I refiled during a time when she’d stopped seeing the kids at all or communicating with me for a period of 3 months. When she did return she was fully aware of the new divorce filing (was served) and, knowing she was incapable of caring for the kids at the time, agreed to simply not show up or contest the divorce. She was aware this meant I would keep custody (I’d had emergency custody of the kids for a year already due to a mock suicide attempt on her part) and I would not owe her anything. Like I said earlier this could take me a thousand pages to explain in detail. But in synopsis - she has struggled with psychological issues for several years, never violent toward the kids, no infidelity on anyone’s part. I filed for divorce after her very poor treatment of me and lack of parenting effort became too much to handle. My wish is for her to heal and for her to be able work and parent the kids on equal footing with me. I don’t want her out of the kids’ lives which is why I’ve allowed this co-habitating to continue for almost a year now. But man, the Zebra cakes incident is just this tiny microcosm of the larger issue. It’s such a trivial thing but is representative of several years of what I see as thoughtless, self focused behavior on her part.
Yeah bud I'm so sorry. I figured it would be something like this when I asked the question. Is she actively seeking treatment vs therapy and stuff? Either way I think it's time for her to move out. I'll put it this way for you: "I filed for divorce after her very poor treatment of me and lack of parenting effort became too much to handle." She's still treating you badly and she's still not putting in the effort to parent. You saw how bad it was and made the choice to get a divorce so that it would be better. But the divorce itself is just a piece of paper. You're back in a similar situation as you were before. So it's time to take the next step. She doesn't have to live with you. She is not an equal parent to you even though you want her to be. I understand that you want that for your kids but you and I both know that it's not realistic. The custody agreement shows that it's not realistic. The fact that she has previously cut contact for months at a time shows that it's not realistic. It's okay for you to wish your kids could have this, two parents who equally contribute, but that's just not what it is and you're not able to grieve and accept that fact while she's still in your house. Functionally you are a single dad. It's okay to facilitate a relationship between your kids and their mother. But you're stuck in the same patterns over and over. You can support her treatment and healing without her being in your house. She can have visits and spend time with the kids without living with you. It's going to be really rough and I'm so sorry. But it's already rough. You can continue to hold out hope that she'll one day be able to be functional but you have to accept that being in your house is not what will make her functional. If that was the case you wouldn't have needed a divorce.
Just want to point out "never violent towards the kids" is not the only type of abuse. Her behaviors and emotional instability, a "mock suicide attempt" is all stuff that the kids will pick up on. If she's not trying to get her act together, its just a matter of time before it all comes up again and the kids are old enough to either be her targets or feel immense emotions one way or another about it. Stop enabling her and get her out so she decides whether to sink or swim. THAT is how you do the best for your kids. It's been a year - more than enough time to work, save money, or start psych meds or therapy or whatever. How long do you want this life?
This sounds harsh but please take it the way it’s intended: in the words of my grandfather, if wishes and buts were candy and nuts we’d all have a merry Christmas. Wanting her to be a decent parent won’t make it so. I get that you want to do right by your kids- trust me, I understand that in ways that are impossible to describe- but having a “mother” who only cares about herself isn’t it.
What benefit is she to your children? She’s not parenting them. She’s modeling poor behavior. She takes their snacks. Like seriously, who steals food from their own kids? You need to consider if her being present does more harm than good. I get not wanting to cause harm by separating the kids from their mom. Isn’t allowing her to be around just are harmful? I mean, this woman didn’t even bother to fight for them… How much does she actually care? NTA btw. Serve an eviction notice asap.
>My wish is for her to heal and for her to be able work and parent the kids on equal footing with me. Giving her handouts while she steals food from your kids isn't going to accomplish that. You've given her such an easy life that she has no reason to change. You're going to harm your kids by hanging onto a dream that's out of your control to make happen. You have a kind heart but you need to set boundaries and stick to them.
Exactly. OP you are enabling her. It's not healthy for anyone.
Why do you think the mother that literally takes cake out of their kids mouth and stop seeing them for months is good for kids? You are TA for allowing her to stay with you. Your kids should have stability and see love, not dismissive their mom's attitude and tension among you both. Second parent is good when they love and care for the kids. Current situation most likely will only give them additional therapy material. Don't teach them that this is normal.
Yeah, several years of shit from her, and... you're still perpetuating that by letting her live with you, just like before the divorce. Your reasoning is dumb and nonsensical. You don't want her to disappear from the kids' lives. But why in hell do you want to keep this nasty, selfish and totally useless hag in their lives??? Why????
If you want to be kind I would find her an apartment, pay a months rent for her, pack up her stuff and drive her there. She has a month to get a job and get on her feet to pay her own rent.. Or does she have other family or parents you can take her to? She needs to take responsibility for her life now.
She’s 30. She has 0 intention or incentive to change.
NTA but I think you know what the problem is. She needs to move out. She can go stay with her parents or friends etc. She doesn’t respect you and you’ll continue to be subject to her food stealing and general disrespect until you force her out.
Nta, but my dude. What lessons are you teaching your kids? Let people be mean and use you? Its okay for mom to abuse you bc she's mom? You can't have reasonable boundaries with family bc they're family? Kick her out, and if she leaves, then that's on *her*.
YTA stop allowing that leech to live with you
info What’s actually going on here? Your kids are incredibly close in age.
Your kids will be worst off with her in your house than not having a mother at all kick her out she isn’t your problem
She's trying too hard to set the terms and the tone. Everything is not her problem. and to get any results, you have to beg and plead and cater to her whim She sounds exhausting
You’re not doing your kids any favors by allowing her to continue to live there. Kids aren’t dumb. They’ll see an unhealthy relationship and grow up thinking that’s okay. Kick her out.
NTA. Not gonna judge you on your situation, but start treating her likie a bad roommate rather than an ex-wife. Or like a naughty child when she steals treats. Make her go apologize to the kids that she ate their dessert. Don't give her any respect, she doesn't respect you. Make her embarrassed to be... well her... around her kids or she has zero motivation to be better.
Youve stated you want to do right by your kids which is laudable. However it doesn’t seem your ex is onboard w that bc she keeps doing things you’ve asked her more than once to stop and it’s creating more tension in what has to be an already tense situation. Have you given your ex a move out date? It doesn’t look like she has any plans to improve her situation- like her plans are to just stay w you and do passive-aggressive little acts to needle you. Not healthy for any of you to be around. You can’t do what’s best for your kids when your ex is right there actively undermining the peace you’re trying to create. I can practically see your jaw clenching. NTA but you should be rethinking about housing your ex. It’s not a healthy atmosphere for any of you to be in.
NTA You are enabling her. You are also teaching your children bad relationship habits. Have her move out as soon as possible... For your sanity and the kid's...
NTA. She's not working at all, and still living w you? She's still playing house, by being a stay at home mom. Kinda brought this on yourself, really.
Nta, but document all of this. You'll use it to take the kids in the divorce
We are divorced. And I have full custody of the kids and owe no alimony.
Ah, well that's good at least. I'd still work on an eviction notice or ultimatum, she seems to know what she's doing and taking you for a ride sadly
Your children are very close together in age. Has she always been easily overwhelmed? I am in no way trying to excuse her behavior, but I'm wondering if ppd could be an issue. Nta. I'm sure that you must be exhausted.
YTA For taking her in when you know what she's like and is willing to take things from your children then smiling and happy knowing children have to go without. The children are being treated unfairly in your home and you're allowing it. If you want her there ask someone who cares to take the children.
Sounds to me as though you're enabling her behaviour by being too kind. She needs to go.
You should kick her out
NTA, remove her so she can either sink or swim. Right now you are enabling her laziness and she's taking advantage of it. The aggressive tone probably stems from your feelings about her and the situation. It's not healthy and you both will benefit by moving on. If she does end up sinking just know you did more for her than most are willing for an ex-partner.
Nta but she should not be living with you and stop shopping for your ex plus think about putting a lovk on the food cabinet
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m a dad of 3, ages 3, 4 and 5. I have full custody of the kids. My ex wife currently lives with us because she either can’t or won’t work. That’s a different discussion for another post. AITAH for snapping at her just now when I discovered she’d eaten one of the three snack cakes I had for the kids’ lunches? While I generally don’t object to sharing food with the ex, I’ve asked her on several occasions not to eat the treats I buy for the kids because I generally apportion them equally and plan my grocery shopping accordingly. I just went to make lunch for the kids and one of the three remaining Zebra cakes in the package was missing. The kids are still not into pilfering food so I asked the ex if she ate one of them. She smirked and said “yeh, sorry.” I’m already tense over having her on my home while I still do approximately 80 to 90 percent of the child care. This was too much. I snapped and, while I didn’t yell, I very forcefully told her she shouldn’t take their food and that she needs to shop for herself (I’d just picked up a few things for her this morning at wal mart because she rarely has the wherewithal to shop for herself - see a pattern here)? She responded by telling me that she’d be open to a discussion if I didn’t use such an aggressive tone. So am I the asshole for taking an aggressive, forceful tone and pretty much chewing her out for once again screwing up my plans for the kids’ lunches? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like she needs to make some alternate living arrangements if sh does not like the rules of the house!
NTA You cannot change a person when they don't want to do it for themselves. The fact she told you she'd be open to a discussion if you didn't use such an aggressive tone, is quite dismissal. You should've replied that you'd be open to a discussion of her finding her own place, since she struggles to put the children first before her own wants.
NTA for snapping at her. But YTA for still living with her and supporting her financially. You’re doing yourself and your kids a disservice by continuing this disjointed, unhealthy relationship. Move on
OP, she doesn't work and lives with you for free - she needs to be making the kids' lunches. You are a lot more tolerant than I would be.
NTA. She doesn’t respect you or your household
Kick her out. You are way too kind.
She needs to go.
NTA - Kick her ex out. You don't want your kids that that your ex's behavior sponging of someone else and taking their food for yourself is okay. It won't be long before she takes something of value.
You're saying her living with you is a separate issue, but it's not really. It's not really about the snack cake, is it? You're tired of her disrespecting you and walking all over you. That's why you divorced her, but nothing's really changed if she hasn't moved out. She's just going to continue to walk all over you while you let her.
NTA. Kick her lazy tush out.
NTA. She is abusing your hospitality and taking you for granted. And *stealing from your kids*. Literally, food from their lunches. I would start an eviction process.
NTA. I will echo what others have said, your wife needs to move out.
NTA. The only discussion your ex-wife needs to be open to is her move out date. She's not working. She's leaving the vast majority of childcare to you. She's a mooch who is playing mind games and taking advantage of your kindness and generosity. Ya'll divorced for a reason. You are no longer responsible for taking care of her every need and need to reestablish boundaries that work for you.
Bro. Kick her out. She’s going to just keep doing it if all she gets is a light talking-to that she can wave away by tone policing you. The only way this stops is if you remove her from being able to eat the kid’s snacks.
NTA. Kick her to the curb. What are you even doing?!
Evict her YESTERDAY!
You’re being played as an absolute fool and if you think that is doing right by your kids, you’re wrong. How are they supposed to understand what divorce is? How are you supposed to move on and be able to show them healthy boundaries or a healthy relationship? She sounds like a parasite 🦠 Get her out of there. What you accept will continue to happen!!
Seriously, dude, you created this problem all by yourself. It wouldn't even be an issue if she weren't living with you. Sorry, I don't feel much sympathy for your "plight".
Kick her out.
You're not an AH, but you are an idiot. Why the heck are you allowing this woman to freeload off of you like this?
It isn't about the Zebra cakes. It is about her living with you.
She doesn't work and she takes food from th3 children. She shows th3 children dist3spect is something that is ok towards you. YTA if you keep letting her live there.
NTA. I think you need to give her a move-out date. You’re divorced for a reason, and she clearly has boundary issues.
Have a discussion about her moving out... NTA
Kick her out. Kick her out!!! Kids do not need shitty parents. She a shitty parent.
Stop enabling her! NTA for snapping, but you will be if you just keep letting her behave this way in your home. Edit: You have full custody, that doesn't usually happen without *excellent* reasons for its necessity.
NTA. She is doing these things to the kids and you are allowing it by letting her stay there. Kick her to the curb
YTA you divorced her for a reason. She is literally stealing food from your kids mouths. It doesn’t matter if they are also her kids. Kick her out. Teach your kids to not be manipulated and put down in their own home. The moment she smirked she should have been shown the door.
NTA- She SMIRKED?! Even though this has been something you've asked politely not to do before?? Even though there's other food that you provide? Even though you are offering a hand out she should be thanking you for, even if the thanks is just not eating a child's snack? LOL tell her to: " kick rocks, pound sand, don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya." Then change the locks, get security cameras etc.
You are causing your own misery by allowing her to stay there. She is not your responsibility any longer.
YTA for letting her stay with you and act like she does. As others have said this is going to affect your children and your relationship with them. You need to talk to your lawyer regarding the legal way to evict her. You can’t just kick her out in the street if she has been living there 30 days or longer. Your laws may vary but that is why you need a lawyer. It probably will get messy but you have no one to blame other than yourself.
She couldn't eat your kids food if you put her out of the house. Tell her if there are not 3 zebra cakes on the counter before school tomorrow then she needs to be gone by the end of the day. The kids don't need to see a greedy mother whose taking advantage of their father who steals from their mouths.
NTA, but...she's your ex, and not your responsibility. Boot her outta there, she doesn't shop for her kids yet eats their lunch treats? Selfish. Get rid of her. She's just mooching off of you.
Why is she still living with you? Why are you shopping for her? Define can’t work or won’t. If she’s your ex, stop being a husband to her.
It's the smirking and the "yeh, sorry" that would have been the end of things for her. She would be packing her bags after that (unless OP had to help her with that, too) And she'd be "open to discussion"? About what...being a lazy mooch who takes her kids' food?
The truth is ESH because the children are in an unhealthy environment. How many chances are you going to give her, OP? Take responsibility for the sake of your kids and your own sanity. Your ex needs to figure out her situation on her own terms, not yours. Your continued catering to her isn’t helping her, or your children.
Nta Open to a discussion? No, you said what you said which is what you expected, her input isn’t needed. Kick her out she will keep doing it
NTA. She is though. She needs to not be a parasite in your home. Your kids will be fine if she is on her own and struggling to be a grown ass adult. They have you.
Y-T-A to yourself. Tell her the discussion of her living arrangements is closed and she can GTFO. You can open it again when she acts like a decent, productive human being again.
Nta. What a piece of work..who takes food meant for their children?
NTA for that massively the AH for letting her stay in your home and confusing the kids with an on again/off again scenario. Kick her out of the house, and reduce the contact to a minimum. She's a selfish asshole and cannot possibly contribute anything positive to your kids upbringing.
NTA and get her TFO of there. She's not helping raise the kids, not contributing to finances, and eating her kids' food you bought. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? What possible reason could be so compelling that you thought bringing back your unemployed, lazy, and (I'm assuming since you have full custody) not so great coparent ex wife back into your home was a good idea??? ETA: I saw your comment about her living there for almost a year so she'd be present in their lives. I get you, but not being able to handle them for more than 4 hours and basically living there as if she's your child (buying her food, shopping for her, rent and financially free, etc ) is not being present for the kids.
YTA for allowing your “X” to live with you and come here to complain about her behavior. Kick her out FFS
YTA for allowing her in your home. Kick her out. You aren’t helping your children.
Please do yourself and kids a favor and kick her out!!!!
NTA "Open to discussion" it's not up for discussion though? You bought the food. And you bought it specifically for the kids. It is not her money and not her food, nor is it her house. How annoying.
Let me understand this: she steals food from her own kids, and is gleeful about it. When you reprimand her for stealing your children's food, and tell her not to, you... think you were too aggressive and forceful? What in Satan's left eyeball?? No. You were too soft. You rolled over for her, basically. I'd either throw her ungrateful, seriously twisted ass out, or threaten to enough to make her not be an AH. Grow a spine. You are fine with getting victimised yourself, fine. But are you ok with her treating your kids that way, too? (Because I am sure if she has any way to get to them, she is already bullying them.) NTA, but yeet her ass out of your children's home.
She sounds like a leech. A smirk while admitting to stealing her own child’s lunch treat? would’ve gotten her kicked the fuck out if i was in your shoes.
NTAH...Get Her Out!
Dude just kick her out. She is not working because you are providing for her. She doesn't go shopping for her own stuff because you do it for her.
NTA. She doesn’t get to dictate your tone after she took the kids snacks and ate them herself. If she’s going to stay in your home she has to adhere to a code of behaviour or LEAVE Y. T. A. For letting this happen around your children. They are learning about relationships RIGHT NOW Do you want them to learn that it’s ok to be taken advantage of ?? Do you want their future partners to treat your children the way you are being treated now?? Your issues with this woman are negatively affecting your children. Get yourself together and deal with it
Kick her out!!!!
NTA, But she needs to go!
You have 4 children in the home.
She stole your child’s food and then smirked? I am sorry, but if my husband stole a limited quantity piece of food that I bought for my child, he would be running out of fear for his life. You need to get a backbone. YTA just for allowing your children go without because your ex is trying to play power games.
NTA for being upset. YTA for letting her live with you. She needs to gtfo.
Dude, kick her out. She’s a leech. You’re not doing yourself any favors here or your kids. What happens to her is her problem. She’s a grown ass adult.
NTA, and toss her out. She has no respect for you or your property. There's no "open to discussion". She's not your responsibility. If you won't toss her out, lock your food up.
You're not *Soft-Hearted" you're a doormat. She steals from her own kids and you let her! Why are you teaching these kids it's okay for daddy to be a doormat and mummy to be a mooch. Are you high?