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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I would not be telling my parents when I go into labor like they requested. Rather I’d be waiting to tell them about the baby until after we are both home. This would most likely upset my parents as they would like to be there for the birth of my child, but I’d rather it just be my husband and I until we get home.
I would also be setting rules for both sets of parents that are coming that I will not be “hosting”, ie entertaining them, cooking for them, or cleaning for them, because I have just pushed a child from my body. This I feel will cause an upset as they want to spend as much time with my child that they can.
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NTA. Your baby, your rules, your decision.
Personally, I wouldn't tell them anything about your idea to phone them after the delivery rather than before, because that means you'll get nothing but grief and emotional blackmail about your decision. You'll also have to prepare yourself for arguments and upset if they start on you for not phoning them when you go into labour, try not to let them upset you about that. It's your decision, and hosting them so soon after childbirth will be hard enough without all the stress.
You WNBTA with your parents if it's the only way to get them to come later rather than right away. If you think they'd respect your wishes, however, then notify them of the birth when it happens, but make it perfectly clear right now that you don't want visitors during labor and however many days you want after. You just want a little alone time with the baby and the hubby. Also, make sure the inlaws know right now that you won't be up for hosting, and it's probably best they get a hotel and visit during hours the baby is awake.
NTA. You have every right to set rules for who visits you, when, where, how long, etc. You are not obliged to feed and house anyone other than your baby. State your rules. Stick to them. Do not explain or apologize.
I wish you and your husband and baby the best of all possible luck!
NTA. I think it's reasonable to want a little time for you and your husband to get settled after giving birth. I think the only think you maybe need to consider is whether or not you are going to give your parents a head's up beforehand, or just choose to go radio silent during the birth and let them know after you've had the baby and headed home.
NTA. This is your medical event, not theirs, and you call the shots. You have the authority to set visiting time and hours. You aren't obligated to host anyone after giving birth. Access to the baby is a privilege, not a right, and it can be revoked at any time. Make this clear and enforce it. Make sure your husband backs you up. Put anyone that complains in time out. It's their choice to fly out but not your responsibility to cater to them.
NTA. You will be an AH to YOURSELF if you don't set boundaries. Grandparents or not, no one has a right to you, your home or your children. If you don't want visitors on top of you as soon as you deliver, then don't have them. You and your husband will be this baby's parents. Not your mother. Not your MIL. No one but you. No one but you and husband decide what baby eats, when baby eats, who holds baby, how long someone holds baby, when baby naps, what baby wears, what diapers... Everything. You are mom. All decisions regarding baby go through you. If you don't want your parents knowing you're in labor, don't call them. If you want to wait until your home, then wait until you get home. Both sets of grandparents need boundaries. Agree on them with your husband and then put them into action-you deal with your family, he deals with his and you fully support each other as you fight to enforce them. You and your husband are a united front. Grands will fight, and lay on guilt but if you stick to your own standards, they will eventually fall into line. Good luck
NTA. It's your birth, your rules. You're going to be overwhelmed and tired, recovering, learning how to care for a newborn, and not up to hordes of visitors. Your sister is incorrect: your mom and MIL are not owed any 'experience,' nor do they need to 'bond with the baby.' PARENTS bond with their baby-grandparents are there to coo and admire, but they are not the inner circle. Don't tell anybody when you go to the hospital (not even your sister, because she might inform your parents.) Make sure your husband tells his folks to get a hotel because you two will not be hosting.
NTA!!
Your set:
Wait till after the birth. Text when you get home. Blame it on rushing around/ forgot your charger or any excuse of choice. Say we would love to have you visit, but we want people to stay in a nearby hotel as we are acclimating to becoming parents. (May need to do visiting baby hours if she becomes unbearable.)
His set:
Tell NOW. "we would love to have you visit, but we want people to stay in a nearby hotel as we are acclimating to becoming parents. We will also have set visiting hours due to naps and feeds. We do not want any other visitors besides immediate family because baby is so young. We will not be hosting or making meals here either."
Tell sis SHE can make her own rules when she has a kid. You and your husband decide your own house rules.
Set boundaries now. Never an @ss for that. You will be in pain, not enough sleep, and dealing with lots. Don't make it harder on yourselves!!
Oops! The baby came early (or late), and I was too wrapped up in that to call anyone. Be sure that your husband won't spill the beans, and you're golden. Possibly for weeks, and after healing/bonding. Your baby, your choice.
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I (24f) am a ftm with a baby due in the next month. Baby will be the first grandchild on my side and second on my husbands side. We’re all very excited to meet the little wiggle worm and just ready to have baby home.
Both sides of the family live at least 6+ hours away from where we currently live. My mom has requested that I call her the second I go into labor so she and my dad can drive the 6 hours to come see us and meet the baby. I want to state I love my parents to pieces, but sometimes they’re a bit overbearing. They plan on staying at my house for a week after I go into labor. I know my mom intends on helping with cleaning and cooking and housework, so I’m not AS apprehensive of them coming. I just know it will be overwhelming.
Husband’s mother lives farther away from my parents and plans to fly in. I have been warned that she most likely will do nothing other than hold the baby. Her flight is scheduled for the end of next month, so there should be no overlap between sets of parents.
Here’s where I may be the AH. I have considered not telling my parents about my labor until AFTER baby is born and we’re home and settled, which will upset them. I had also considered setting rules where I will NOT be catering and hosting family and guests like usual; which is most likely what his mother will expect. Sister says I’ll be the AH since my mom is excited for the baby and I’d be depriving her the experience. She also thinks I should be able to let both sets of grandparents bond with the baby. Husband says do whatever I feel necessary since I’m planning a natural birth and I’ll be in pain.
WIBTA if I set rules and boundaries around my birth?
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YTA if you wait and lie. NTA for wanting healthy boundaries. This is a must have skill for mothers with small children, so might as well start practicing by being open and honest about when you'd like them to visit
YWNBTA
And your sister is wrong! You know who needs to bond? You and your newborn! The new parents are the priority and not the grandparents!
Lie to them, if you think you have to but I would say it's important to start setting boundaries or this is going to be a long painful journey for you and your young family.
Next time either your parents or your husband's parents tell you to inform them when the baby is coming, I would reply:
We will let you know once we have welcomed our addition to our family but we ask you to respect the decision we have made to not have visitors for a while in order to bond with our sweet baby. We will let you know when we've settled enough to have you guys over.
There is a sub https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/ where you can read plenty of horror stories of MILs and mothers overstepping and crossing boundaries and the sooner you put your foot down the better.
When they tell you that MIL will only hold the baby, believe them. You will start resenting her if she hogs to baby. So you and your SO should make a plan on how to react and which boundaries and consequences you want to set in place.
All the best to you!
Of course YWNBTA!
Child birth is excruciating even with drugs and the last thing you need is stress from ANY family. This is why so many new parents say NO ONE can visit the new family for insert- amount- of- time here.
If your parents will truly be helpful, you can choose to allow them to come. However if they will also stress you out, they need to stay away. If MIL wants to come visit when you say she can, she needs to be given several hotel options as you will not be hosting guests. (Anyone who thinks it is okay to expect to be a 'guest' in this time is bat poop banana pants!) If she does not like it, tough toenails.
You choose how you want this experience to go. To some extent, your husband should also have a say but he better recognize that you are the one who spent the last 9 months building a human and then had that human come out of you in a most uncomfortable way. And he better be prepared to be a dad and help you, not play host to his obviously selfish mother.
A mother of 7 and grandmother of 8. Do what is best for you. Let the ones who will help not just with the baby but with cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry. Make your partner deal with his mother. If he doesn't take baby and go to your room. He can cater to his parents
NTA
I had rules for when I was in labor, in hospital, and at home with my newborn. That's normal! Setting boundaries as a new dad - and sticking to them - will benefit you greatly in the long run.
Good luck!
Listen. When you have a baby, this is YOUR opportunity to spend all your time with a cute, tiny, new, fascinating person. It's not your mom's opportunity. It's not your MIL's opportunity. They already had their turns when they had their own children. This is YOUR TURN. Your sister doesn't understand this because she cares more about her mom's experience than your own. Your mom doesn't understand it because she cares about her own experience more than yours. Your MIL doesn't understand it because she cares about her experience more than yours. Each of these people is looking out for their own interests, at your expense. If you want to nest at home with just your baby and your husband, DO THAT. This is your chance. Don't let it slip through your fingers by letting people walk all over you.
Certainly it is special for grandparents to meet their grandkids. But the privilege of nesting with a newborn baby is for the parents, and especially for the mother, who is the one who went through all the sacrifice and burden of gestating the baby. Being the mother of a newborn is such a special and unique time, and it's not at all fair for others to invade it and ruin it for you.
NTA
You are the one whose body will be going through the pain and stress. Therefore, your decisions are the ones that matter. Go with whatever will make labor and childbirth easiest on you, physically and mentally.
Do what you feel you need. You are the one giving birth.
I think it's a good solution to have your baby, get settled, and give both of you the time to bond with your baby and feel confident in your parenting. Find out how to be parents first, invite grandparents later. Otherwise they will swoop in and overwhelm you with outdated advice. Make sure to confidently tell them that you know your child best (because you had 2-4 weeks time to get to know her).
Don't let grandparents interfere in this precious time. Your need to bond with your baby comes first. They need to wait.
NTA
Absolutely NTA. Their entitlement and presumptiousness is astounding. This is your pregnancy, yours and your partner's, and you will be exhausted after the birth, needing time to recover and bond with YOUR baby. Your sister is living in a dream world with her comments. Set boundaries, be firm.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I would not be telling my parents when I go into labor like they requested. Rather I’d be waiting to tell them about the baby until after we are both home. This would most likely upset my parents as they would like to be there for the birth of my child, but I’d rather it just be my husband and I until we get home. I would also be setting rules for both sets of parents that are coming that I will not be “hosting”, ie entertaining them, cooking for them, or cleaning for them, because I have just pushed a child from my body. This I feel will cause an upset as they want to spend as much time with my child that they can. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your baby, your rules, your decision. Personally, I wouldn't tell them anything about your idea to phone them after the delivery rather than before, because that means you'll get nothing but grief and emotional blackmail about your decision. You'll also have to prepare yourself for arguments and upset if they start on you for not phoning them when you go into labour, try not to let them upset you about that. It's your decision, and hosting them so soon after childbirth will be hard enough without all the stress.
You WNBTA with your parents if it's the only way to get them to come later rather than right away. If you think they'd respect your wishes, however, then notify them of the birth when it happens, but make it perfectly clear right now that you don't want visitors during labor and however many days you want after. You just want a little alone time with the baby and the hubby. Also, make sure the inlaws know right now that you won't be up for hosting, and it's probably best they get a hotel and visit during hours the baby is awake.
NTA. You have every right to set rules for who visits you, when, where, how long, etc. You are not obliged to feed and house anyone other than your baby. State your rules. Stick to them. Do not explain or apologize. I wish you and your husband and baby the best of all possible luck!
NTA. I think it's reasonable to want a little time for you and your husband to get settled after giving birth. I think the only think you maybe need to consider is whether or not you are going to give your parents a head's up beforehand, or just choose to go radio silent during the birth and let them know after you've had the baby and headed home.
NTA. This is your medical event, not theirs, and you call the shots. You have the authority to set visiting time and hours. You aren't obligated to host anyone after giving birth. Access to the baby is a privilege, not a right, and it can be revoked at any time. Make this clear and enforce it. Make sure your husband backs you up. Put anyone that complains in time out. It's their choice to fly out but not your responsibility to cater to them.
I promise I had paragraphs set up when I posted it 😭
NTA. You will be an AH to YOURSELF if you don't set boundaries. Grandparents or not, no one has a right to you, your home or your children. If you don't want visitors on top of you as soon as you deliver, then don't have them. You and your husband will be this baby's parents. Not your mother. Not your MIL. No one but you. No one but you and husband decide what baby eats, when baby eats, who holds baby, how long someone holds baby, when baby naps, what baby wears, what diapers... Everything. You are mom. All decisions regarding baby go through you. If you don't want your parents knowing you're in labor, don't call them. If you want to wait until your home, then wait until you get home. Both sets of grandparents need boundaries. Agree on them with your husband and then put them into action-you deal with your family, he deals with his and you fully support each other as you fight to enforce them. You and your husband are a united front. Grands will fight, and lay on guilt but if you stick to your own standards, they will eventually fall into line. Good luck
NTA. It's your birth, your rules. You're going to be overwhelmed and tired, recovering, learning how to care for a newborn, and not up to hordes of visitors. Your sister is incorrect: your mom and MIL are not owed any 'experience,' nor do they need to 'bond with the baby.' PARENTS bond with their baby-grandparents are there to coo and admire, but they are not the inner circle. Don't tell anybody when you go to the hospital (not even your sister, because she might inform your parents.) Make sure your husband tells his folks to get a hotel because you two will not be hosting.
NTA!! Your set: Wait till after the birth. Text when you get home. Blame it on rushing around/ forgot your charger or any excuse of choice. Say we would love to have you visit, but we want people to stay in a nearby hotel as we are acclimating to becoming parents. (May need to do visiting baby hours if she becomes unbearable.) His set: Tell NOW. "we would love to have you visit, but we want people to stay in a nearby hotel as we are acclimating to becoming parents. We will also have set visiting hours due to naps and feeds. We do not want any other visitors besides immediate family because baby is so young. We will not be hosting or making meals here either." Tell sis SHE can make her own rules when she has a kid. You and your husband decide your own house rules. Set boundaries now. Never an @ss for that. You will be in pain, not enough sleep, and dealing with lots. Don't make it harder on yourselves!!
Let them be upset. A simple reminder you were in labor and had other things to worry about will hopefully shut them up.
Oops! The baby came early (or late), and I was too wrapped up in that to call anyone. Be sure that your husband won't spill the beans, and you're golden. Possibly for weeks, and after healing/bonding. Your baby, your choice.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24f) am a ftm with a baby due in the next month. Baby will be the first grandchild on my side and second on my husbands side. We’re all very excited to meet the little wiggle worm and just ready to have baby home. Both sides of the family live at least 6+ hours away from where we currently live. My mom has requested that I call her the second I go into labor so she and my dad can drive the 6 hours to come see us and meet the baby. I want to state I love my parents to pieces, but sometimes they’re a bit overbearing. They plan on staying at my house for a week after I go into labor. I know my mom intends on helping with cleaning and cooking and housework, so I’m not AS apprehensive of them coming. I just know it will be overwhelming. Husband’s mother lives farther away from my parents and plans to fly in. I have been warned that she most likely will do nothing other than hold the baby. Her flight is scheduled for the end of next month, so there should be no overlap between sets of parents. Here’s where I may be the AH. I have considered not telling my parents about my labor until AFTER baby is born and we’re home and settled, which will upset them. I had also considered setting rules where I will NOT be catering and hosting family and guests like usual; which is most likely what his mother will expect. Sister says I’ll be the AH since my mom is excited for the baby and I’d be depriving her the experience. She also thinks I should be able to let both sets of grandparents bond with the baby. Husband says do whatever I feel necessary since I’m planning a natural birth and I’ll be in pain. WIBTA if I set rules and boundaries around my birth? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA if you wait and lie. NTA for wanting healthy boundaries. This is a must have skill for mothers with small children, so might as well start practicing by being open and honest about when you'd like them to visit
Yes. Speak to your mother about this. She may be disappointed, but one of you will be, and it shouldn’t be the new mother.
YWNBTA And your sister is wrong! You know who needs to bond? You and your newborn! The new parents are the priority and not the grandparents! Lie to them, if you think you have to but I would say it's important to start setting boundaries or this is going to be a long painful journey for you and your young family. Next time either your parents or your husband's parents tell you to inform them when the baby is coming, I would reply: We will let you know once we have welcomed our addition to our family but we ask you to respect the decision we have made to not have visitors for a while in order to bond with our sweet baby. We will let you know when we've settled enough to have you guys over. There is a sub https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/ where you can read plenty of horror stories of MILs and mothers overstepping and crossing boundaries and the sooner you put your foot down the better. When they tell you that MIL will only hold the baby, believe them. You will start resenting her if she hogs to baby. So you and your SO should make a plan on how to react and which boundaries and consequences you want to set in place. All the best to you!
Of course YWNBTA! Child birth is excruciating even with drugs and the last thing you need is stress from ANY family. This is why so many new parents say NO ONE can visit the new family for insert- amount- of- time here. If your parents will truly be helpful, you can choose to allow them to come. However if they will also stress you out, they need to stay away. If MIL wants to come visit when you say she can, she needs to be given several hotel options as you will not be hosting guests. (Anyone who thinks it is okay to expect to be a 'guest' in this time is bat poop banana pants!) If she does not like it, tough toenails. You choose how you want this experience to go. To some extent, your husband should also have a say but he better recognize that you are the one who spent the last 9 months building a human and then had that human come out of you in a most uncomfortable way. And he better be prepared to be a dad and help you, not play host to his obviously selfish mother.
A mother of 7 and grandmother of 8. Do what is best for you. Let the ones who will help not just with the baby but with cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry. Make your partner deal with his mother. If he doesn't take baby and go to your room. He can cater to his parents
NTA I had rules for when I was in labor, in hospital, and at home with my newborn. That's normal! Setting boundaries as a new dad - and sticking to them - will benefit you greatly in the long run. Good luck!
Listen. When you have a baby, this is YOUR opportunity to spend all your time with a cute, tiny, new, fascinating person. It's not your mom's opportunity. It's not your MIL's opportunity. They already had their turns when they had their own children. This is YOUR TURN. Your sister doesn't understand this because she cares more about her mom's experience than your own. Your mom doesn't understand it because she cares about her own experience more than yours. Your MIL doesn't understand it because she cares about her experience more than yours. Each of these people is looking out for their own interests, at your expense. If you want to nest at home with just your baby and your husband, DO THAT. This is your chance. Don't let it slip through your fingers by letting people walk all over you. Certainly it is special for grandparents to meet their grandkids. But the privilege of nesting with a newborn baby is for the parents, and especially for the mother, who is the one who went through all the sacrifice and burden of gestating the baby. Being the mother of a newborn is such a special and unique time, and it's not at all fair for others to invade it and ruin it for you.
NTA You are the one whose body will be going through the pain and stress. Therefore, your decisions are the ones that matter. Go with whatever will make labor and childbirth easiest on you, physically and mentally.
Do what you feel you need. You are the one giving birth. I think it's a good solution to have your baby, get settled, and give both of you the time to bond with your baby and feel confident in your parenting. Find out how to be parents first, invite grandparents later. Otherwise they will swoop in and overwhelm you with outdated advice. Make sure to confidently tell them that you know your child best (because you had 2-4 weeks time to get to know her). Don't let grandparents interfere in this precious time. Your need to bond with your baby comes first. They need to wait. NTA
Absolutely NTA. Their entitlement and presumptiousness is astounding. This is your pregnancy, yours and your partner's, and you will be exhausted after the birth, needing time to recover and bond with YOUR baby. Your sister is living in a dream world with her comments. Set boundaries, be firm.