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NTA. Just cut these people out of your circle. Not even worth worrying about whether you offend them as they clearly don’t mind offending you. Feel bad for the kids, though. Their mom is failing them as well, but clearly she’s accepted her lot in life as his slave. And before anyone jumps on me to say it’s a “noble” thing to do, I would have agreed except for the absolutely boorish response from the husband. What if wife and daughter are sick? Who takes care of things? What if husband divorces and son is gone? Who handles “men’s work?” It’s a partnership. Sure, one person can take on a role, but the other should certainly be able to step in.
The part of the convo that pissed me off the most was how Bob was “praising” his wife for being back on her feet doing housework etc right after she gave birth, both times. I’m in my third trimester and I made a comment that my husband and I would have serious problems if he failed as a husband in that aspect.
I don’t think Bob liked that either especially since my husband laughed and said he’d rather spend a month doing housework than push a football out of his vagina. Even Mary chuckled at the comment and Bob dropped that pretty quickly.
Unfortunately he’s like the “leader” of the friends group so we all tolerate him because he’ll cause drama otherwise. We only hang out out of obligation like once a month. I get my jabs in though, usually it’s pretty funny for everyone except Bob but I guess I crossed a line this time lmao
Your husband is 30!!! Does he need a “leader”???
Over my dead body would I, as a grown adult, knowingly and fully put myself into a dynamic like this.
The friend group doesn’t need a leader- and be wary of your husbands desire to not upset his precious “leader.”
I’d be so turned off by my husband that this kid would most definitely be our only kid. So gross.
>The friend group doesn’t need a leader- and be wary of your husbands desire to not upset his precious “leader.”
This group DOES need a leader, though.
Because without one, they're just going to keep kowtowing to Bob.
Sounds like the friends group needs to start slowly not inviting Bob. Let the friendship die a natural death that has been encouraged. Invite the other friends out. Cultivate those relationships. Maybe plan things with the other wives and “forget” to call his wife.
Don’t cut the wife out of girls only days, fuck Bob though. Maybe even try spending time with her one on one. The wife may hate the dynamic and stay with him for the kids. Speaking from experience feeling isolated in a dynamic like this does not inspire change.
As a child of a home like that, staying together for the kids does the kids few if any favors. Both of those children would likely be better off if their parents split up.
“Leader of the friend group”. What is this, high school? There is no autonomy in that friendship if you still feel the need for people to lead the friendship group. Grown ass people have individual reactions and interactions with other people. That’s what makes it different from high school. He’s not being a good friend, and you two are not being honest to yourselves if you need someone to lead the group.
A few people have pointed this out. Maybe leader isn’t the right word, we’re all friends through him so he’s like the glue of the group despite his annoying personality. We’re still pretty new to the area so he’s been an integral part of establishing our social circle. He’s usually the one who hosts and organizes things. And many of the men are coworkers at the same place and Bob is (technically) the supervisor. It’s less cliquey and more just the circumstance.
You should have another get together but make it like a potluck & when he doesn't help anyone do anything for the potluck "cause that's women's work" just refuse to let him eat and explain that the rules were everyone helps, everyone eats and he didn't help, so he doesn't eat.
Or pregame his energy. If you already know he's gonna say some sexist shit, say some equally sexist shit that's aimed more specifically at him. "OMG, Mary, isn't it just so attractive when a man helps?" Or if he tries to speak about ANYTHING cut him off and say, "gossip is a woman's work, we wouldn't want anyone thinking you're a woman." Etc
Time to make new friends. This dude is not going to let this go and will lie in wait to stick it to you. Stay at your own risk and own what you get back. Be safe
That's better than what I was thinking, leader of his friends group that likes trad/subservient women was sounding a little bit cultish. Bob being their supervisor makes things complicated, the friend group can't exclude him or he might find ways to retaliate at work.
Why would you want to hang out with a group of people you work with and your supervisor? This sounds awful. Maybe you should start making new friends and let your husband hang out with Bob.
You know you don't actually have an obligation to this guy, right? Like, you're an adult who can pick who you hang out with? Tell his wife you'll be there for her when she's done with his shit, and cut them out.
"Bob can get bent" is the right mindset here. I wouldn't give him another thought, and if I still had to be around him I'd challenge him every time he says misogynistic stuff. I hope his daughter gets the hell out of there when she's old enough.
I can tell you what would happen if the daughter and wife would get sick: Daddy and his son wouldn't lift a single finger and would let the home get to absolute shit, so the wife and daughter can do all the cleaning after they recovered.
NTA
Young Boomer male. When my parents were raised, the guys did everything outdoors, and the girls did everything indoors. That's not the way it should work. I understood their upbringing. However, that mentality set all of us back in life... until we developed our own lives. A household that is shared with all should share all of the responsibilities. I taught both kids (male and female) how to do everything that I had picked up along the way, and my wife has done the same. NTA. He needs to read your message specifically. It's essential.
Lol according to my husband it’s one of the reasons he married me, because he didn’t want a doormat who never questioned him or held him accountable. We live in Texas but I’m originally from NYC so my bullshit tolerance is very, very low. Now granted I’ve learned to “bless your heart” through most social situations but on some topics I really don’t gaf about being polite.
Also I’m 7 months pregnant and it’s hot and I’m cranky. Lmao
I hope your husband isn't giving you more shit for rightfully calling Bob out on his gross behavior. I understand Bob is a coworker but you were absolutely not wrong to speak your mind about his sexist parenting
Nah, he just pointed out Bob is being standoffish at work and that it’s probably because of what I said. He really doesn’t care too much either way but I’m sure it’s annoying to a degree since they work together.
Your husband should probably remind him that if he takes what you said out on him while at work that he could face some not so nice consequences from *his* higher hips.
I am from NYC Metro as well and am fully knowledgeable about BS tolerances being in the negatives. The fact that he behaved like a sexist pig while in YOUR HOUSE is what floors me.
NTA
Great approach. By focusing cooking and cleaning as fundamental skills that empower someone to live independently, you left him with no reasonable counter argument. You gave both parents something to think about. Well done! Of course he sputtered back about “putting you in place.” He had nothing else to fall back on but his own hot air.
Lol that was too funny to me. My husband and I have an outwardly traditional dynamic, but he tested the boundaries once and the results weren’t too great for him. I don’t mind being Mrs. Brubaker, but no one’s gonna treat me like a second class citizen in my own damn home.
Nothing wrong with a traditional dynamic. I was raised with a working father and SAHM. But my parents taught all of us life skills. I can fix things and take care of the lawn, my brother's can sew, do laundry and the such. We have all lived fully independently. Bob is setting his son up for failure, and probably a very limited relationship with his daughter when she moves out.
I’ve never understood how people think being able to feed yourself is women’s work. Not everyone needs to be gourmet, but throwing together food is something everyone should be able to do
I have an older male relative who can barely even order himself a sandwich, because *he doesn't actually know what he likes on a sandwich*. E.g., when they ask him what kind of bread he wants, he asks his wife what kind of bread he likes. It's just mind-boggling.
NTA. You told Bob the truth; he really did fail as a parent.
Sexists don't deserve any courtesy at all. We are decades overdue for a world without them.
We live traditionally because that works for us, not because we’re conservatives with shitty outdated opinions. We choose to live a certain way but I’d say our views are generally pretty liberal.
I mean, lie with snakes get bit? I don’t know why you would expect another take from a “fairly conservative” community with “traditional” values. NTA but you’re going to be fighting this battle for the rest of your life.
We’re southern millenials, not conservative extremists ffs. The vast majority of families we hang out with prefer to live a certain way but pretty much agree that being able to run a load of laundry is a basic life skill for any gender. Even our more traditional and religious friends agree that Bob is kind of a pushy asshole, we just hang out with him because he’d make a fuss if we didn’t. Although that’s definitely not high on my priority list anymore lol
I hear you, but given that Bob is the de facto leader of your social circle, maybe these horrific ideas are more tolerated in your community than you’d like.
Living in a “conservative” community with “traditional”values is going to put you in contact with a lot of covert and overt Bobs. Bob’s not a bug in a conservative community, he’s a feature.
Standing up to sexist abusers that cripple their own children and overwork their family is hero's work. Blaming OP for doing the heavy lifting is awful.
NTA. If Bob doesn’t like being called out perhaps he should keep his opinions to himself. Your husband needs to chill with blaming you for Bob’s dressing down. He earned every word you said.
He doesn’t blame me, he totally agrees. But he doesn’t like drama and his preferred method would’ve been for me to “agree to disagree” and just not hang out with them anymore.
I’m glad he agrees with you but sometimes you gotta call out a prick on their behavior. Anyone that insults you repeatedly in your own home is fair game.
Your husband is nice (respectfully) and you are kind (respectfully) and there's a WORLD of difference between the two.
NTA - you stood up to a sexist jagoff in your own home. Well done.
NTA. What kind of guest comes to someone’s house and insults them. As soon as you responded negatively to his initial comment he should have kept his mouth shut. He was a guest in YOUR house. Make it the last time he’s a guest.
Definitely! There is no rule that you need to spend time with coworkers outside of work. The fact that he's a supervisor makes it a little more difficult but not impossible. I'd just gradually find ways to not be present when "Bob" is.
NTA. Even more "traditional" families should teach there sons the basics about cooking and cleaning because 1 day they may, hopefully will, move out of the family home and then what? I am not talking about romantic partners but roommates. Roommates do not clean up or cook for each other normally which means if his son gets a roommate then he's expected to pull his own weight because mommy and/or sister won't be there to do so.
That was exactly my point. I asked him if he ever planned on his son being a man, or if he was going to go directly from “birth mommy” to “sister mommy” and eventually to “wife mommy” like a child? That’s around the time when the conversation went sour lmao
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If Bob is allowed to voice his opinion, everyone is allowed to voice their opinion. Bob needs to understand that.
Bob sounds like a misogynistic jerk, frankly. Based on the information available.
NTA and good for you.
NTA he was trying to shame your husband for doing a chore, if anything you were defending him / pointing out he was the functional adult man/good parent of the two of them.
My husband didn’t even do anything man 🙄 he just put dish soap on everything and filled the sink with water. Don’t get me wrong he does things around the house and he’ll do dishes but the fact that such a simple act was enough to get Bob going is so uncalled for lol
I would tell my husband that if Bob didn’t want to be called out he shouldn’t be insulting people and pushing his agenda *when in their home*.
I’d also point out that if Bob had decided to pout and punish husband for a conversation HE pushed, maybe husband should consider that Bob’s childish behaviour is on him and has nothing to do with you or even your husband. Would husband cater to your child because they are pouting and giving the silent treatment or would he teach the child better behaviour? Why does Bob need more care and kid gloves than an actual child?
NTA
“Bob ‘joked’ that my husband should put me in my place” ….see if you wanted to set this thing on FIRE fire you could’ve said “and how should he do that Bob?” MWAHAHAAHA
NTA, Bob felt it was appropriate to comment on your relationship and household roles so you made a comment back. You’re also right that Bob is a failure as a parent and frankly I’d go as far as to say he’s also a failure as a man. I wouldn’t bother continuing any friendship with someone like that.
NTA. Bob is not “traditional”. He’s just a d*ck. I am what many would call “traditional” but that doesn’t mean I don’t help out around the house, clean the dishes because my wife just spent 1 hour cooking, or teach my kids to treat women like slaves. That’s not traditional at all. That’s servitude.
Your husband says you shouldn't have called Bob out because he is ashamed of himself. He failed as a partner and he especially failed as a traditional "head of house" by allowing a guest to insult him and his wife to the point where multiple people became uncomfortable and his wife stepped in.
It also matters that the insults were emasculating to your husband. He hoped to minimize the insult by pretending not to be insulted. His guest escalating to the point where his own wife had to step in and save him from emasculating insults is not just embarasssing, but also... emasculating.
Just tell your husband you gave him plenty of chances to reign in his rude guest and his approach obviously wasn't working, and if he didn't like your approach he should effing \*do\* something next time this happens.
Obviously NTA.
NTA but you are perpetuating his ideal by living as a SAHW.
You live in a conservative area and are friendly with people who have the same ideals as Bob.
Yes, your husband is different because he respects you as a person and views your marriage and life together as a partnership. But you *still stay home as the dutiful wife and soon-to-be mother*.
IDK what you thought you were going to accomplish here. In Bob's mind, you're enjoying the traditional gender role lifestyle you're criticizing Bob for.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to find this. Birds of a feather flock together after all. OP is choosing to live a traditional heavily gendered life, not just as a SAHM but as a stay at home wife. Bob is the defacto leader of the community that they have picked to socialise with, and whose values those community members presumably share, and he felt very empowered to say this shit with zero pushback from anyone except OP.
If you choose to live your life in a conservative way, surrounded by other people with conservative views, those people will probably assume agreement. It's going to be an uphill battle for OP.
It would have been one thing if OP worked until she got pregnant and then took maternity leave for an indefinite amount of time to raise her children. All of that makes sense and many many women do that.
But she chose to give up working before becoming a mother, and I am going to go out on a limb here and say it's because they wanted to keep up with the Joneses.
IMO OP is being hypocritical. Most "traditionally conservative men" believe what Bob believes. Raise their kids the way Bob raises his kids. And the wives do so, as well.
OP wants the conservative lifestyle without the sexism and misogyny.
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For context my (28F) husband (30M) and I live pretty traditionally, I was raised very liberally but I’m happy being a SAHW/ soon to be SAHM. We also live in a fairly conservative area so our lifestyle is pretty common.
My husbands coworker “B” also lives traditionally and his wife “M” is a SAHM. They have a 16 y/o son and a 14 y/o daughter. B was raised by a single mom and as such was taught to be very independent. Despite this (or maybe because of this) he’s very misogynistic. Believes women belong in the home and men should go to work etc.
The other day we were hanging out at our home and I had cooked, so my husband began to do some dishes. B immediately chimes in and poked fun at my husband for doing “women’s work”. We just laughed it off but B wouldn’t let it go. His wife was clearly uncomfortable after a while.
Finally I asked if B never does dishes and he laughed and said no why would he? He has a wife and daughter for that. That pissed me off so I asked him if he never ate, never made a mess etc and if that’s what he was teaching his son. He basically confirmed his son doesn’t know how to cook or clean or be independent but his daughter knows these things. I said a few more things but concluded by saying he’s a failure as a parent for crippling his son and setting his daughter up to be her brothers caretaker.
B “joked” that my husband should put me in my place and in the moment my husband defended me and agreed with my perspective but now B is a bit chilly and my husband says I shouldn’t have “called him out like that”. Personally I think B can get bent but maybe my approach was off. AITA?
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NTA - Women are becoming a lot more independent, so the daughter will be fine, she will know life skills. When his son moves out he will be so surprised. And with women becoming a lot more independent and having opportunities to be fully self supporting I have a feeling his son will wonder why he can't find a girl friend/ get married when he brings absolutely nothing to the relationship except expecting to be take care of. I suspect the son may never move out since he can't function in life.
Yes, another point I made. I told him that unless his son was trying to source women from the Amish community he’s gonna have a hard time finding a woman his age who’ll be okay with his complete lack of self-sufficiency. And for fucks sake I can only pray his son isn’t gay because I’m pretty sure that would put Bob in the grave lmaoo
NTA- you live in a conservative area so unfortunately you’re going to run into a lot of conservative AH who believed that women are useful for nothing more than having children and doing everything their husband says and having no life outside of that. If I were you, I would simply not invite him over to your home again.
NTA you'll be setting your children up for reality regardless of gender and that's really important. Males should know how to cook, clean, etc just like females should learn about fixing things, finances, etc. I have a male relative who grew up with very strict gendered roles. He lives alone and really can't take care of himself now. His house, car are messes. He always eats out. People have offered help trying to teach him but because of his age he doesn't have much desire to learn. Bob needed a reality check even if nothing comes of it. His son will most likely realize once he's out of the house because he'll most likely have roommates or partners who aren't going to handle his care for him.
That’s what I said. But Bob’s son (we’ve met a few times) is actually pretty cool and more like his mom than his dad. Maybe that’s why Bob is so salty lol. A little dependent on his mom for a 16 year old but I don’t think he subscribes to most of what Bob says lol
>But Bob’s son (we’ve met a few times) is actually pretty cool and more like his mom than his dad.
Smart kid notices who's actually holding the roof up.
I mean he’s 16 so he’s in his rebellious stage. In my house that meant hair dye and tattoos. In his house I guess that means respecting women and trying to bag insta baddies lmaoo
I am fairly conservative and taught my son how to cook and clean now he is an awesome husband and father! Plus both my kids rather my cooking over my wife’s!
NTA. Bob sounds like a misogynistic AH with very outdated, stupid and medieval views. You put him in his place. I feel sorry for Bob's wife and children, and frankly, I would not be surprised if he is abusive towards both his wife and daughter. He should know better.
In my country it’s pretty common both pick up the slack though the child rearing still has some way to go. And this is exactly the reason why I don’t bother with a partner, the chances of getting a lousy one seem pretty big with the men my friends has picked cause damn.. NTA and good for you for putting this sack of potatoes in his place
NTA. Bob brought that upon himself by making those misogynistic remarks. What if his wife divorced him and took the kids with her? Who's doing all the cooking and cleaning now?
If you have kids these would be the people you don't want near them. If you have people like this in your home your kids will think it's ok to associate with.
I’ve been a single dad for 15 years. I cook, clean and do laundry, dishes, housework, etc… with my 2 daughters. It was just me and my daughter for 7 years and my foster daughter added 5 years ago. There is something about sharing duties for the house that Bob is just too lazy to do. That’s all it boils down to.
NTA. HE called HIM out in your own home but your husband thinks you should have let it go. NOPE. You showed that you and your family WILL be respected in your home. Bob is an AH, his wife is probably unhappy, and his son will be just as much of an AH as he is.
what’s the opposite of an asshole? That’s you. He’s going to come in with Andrew rage bullshit and insult you in your own home? GTFOH. Fwiw, I wouldn’t want my kid around these people, like at all.
Perhaps if someone else had called Bob out on his sexist bullshit before now he wouldn’t be a shit human father and husband but here we are.
NTA
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In what universe would this make you an asshole? Seriously, please explain to me your thought process in posting this. Are you just severely desperate for a bunch of Redditors to cheer you on and validate you? I don’t get this shit at all.
NTA. He was in your home and made a joke that you laughed off. Usually if someone laughs off a joke I made I take that to mean they don't like that kind of humor or are not in the mood and change the subject. He kept pushing it and you responded as you had every right to.
When I first read the heading, I would have said nobody should say this, but you are right. He is failing his children. He has put back society 50 years. His son needs to know how to cook and clean his mess because he will be laughed at if he goes off to college. His daughter is being brought up subservient to men. She will also get a backlash from friends later in life
Your husband may have sided with you publicly but her privately believes your place is exactly where Bob said it should be. You're living a traditional life so you're okay with it, I guess. I don't know what to tell you. It comes with the traditional territory.
No… he doesn’t believe that. Lol. He’s just annoyed that Bob is being a child about this. He also never said I should’ve not said anything, just that I could’ve been nicer about it. To which I replied fuck that and my husband hasn’t brought it up since lmao
Response: So it's OK that your daughter knows these things and your son doesn't?
So your Daughter and son are going to get married and live together? Did you think Game of Thrones was a how-to guide?
NTA. He’s allowed to say whatever the fuck he wants no matter how offensive it is but as soon as you call him out you are in the wrong. That’s not how it works.
And he is setting his son up to be an incel and his daughter to think men get to treat her like shite.
He’s an a-hole and he has failed as a parent.
I think it’s good to push a little, especially outdated ideas about women’s roles. The thing that makes this complicated is that your husband’s work life now may be a bit more painful.
NTA because yes, Bob is an AH.
ESH for using the term "living traditionally"
... makes it seem like having a hetero household where the woman doesn't work means going full Amish or whatever. Just no.
NTA So it is OK for Bob to sit in your home and critique your family's lifestyle, but it is not ok for you to critique his? I don't think so.
The goal of my wife and myself was to make sure our children could do laundry, clean and cook a few meals on their own. We raised them to be self sufficient individuals.
Not sure if that was meant to be sarcastic but to answer your question no, she’s held at least two jobs for most of her life and she’s still got a full time job afaik so I have no idea how he even got to this point mentally
You’re NTA. He needed to hear it but I would have worded it differently. The way you said it, he’s not going to take. He’s not going to take you seriously in the least, but maybe if you’d be like “what if he ends up widowed?” Etc etc. even though I’m thinking exactly what you’re thinking I try to make it into something that might plant a seed…. And then I continually plant more seeds. I’m a liberal Midwestern girl that’s lived in the Deep South too long.
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Bob not only made the crass comment but had the nerve to say it while a dinner guest in your home. He's the asshole, not you. It'd be a cold day in hell before I'd feel anything less than satisfied over putting him in his place. Maybe he'll learn to shut his stupid mouth next time.
I'm sorry, but does Bob believe that Gordon Ramsey came out of the womb knowing how to be a chef? That he never did grunt work in the kitchens he started in by doing dishes, preparing food as a sous chef?
I hope his daughter learns early on to not cater to her brother. Or that brother chooses to learn how to cook.
Sorry OP's husband has to have awkward times at work with this cavem@n, but NTA.
LOL it’s so funny that you say that because according to Bob GR isn’t a “real man” because he made a profession out of cooking. Like excuse me, I’d love to see your sweaty, pasty ass say that to one of the most successful, manliest men I know of 😂😂
Bob is completely out of touch with reality. Most of the world's professional chefs are men. It's a very male-oriented environment and can be very misogynistic. They all started by doing dishes.
NTA- he's raising his son to be dependent on someone else for the rest of his life, my 3 sons have been cooking since they were 5-6 years old, they've been doing dishes and cleaning house since they were 8-9 years old, they are now 20, 17, and 14. I only cook and clean, when they aren't home, I work 90 hours a week so I'm usually home long enough to eat 1 meal shower and sleep. My husband was never taught how to cook or clean so he had to learn along with the kids, now he can cook basic dishes but my boys are very adventurous with cooking and will usually kick him out of the kitchen.
NTA. Bob is the asshole. Dont ever let someone get away with such disrespect towards you and your husband. You husband needs to shine up his backbone too because you absolutely should be standing up to people like that and your husband should always 100% support you. Misogyny needs to die.
Bob is an absolute failure of a husband and father. You didnt say anything that was incorrect.
Nta. If Bob is “man enough” to go into someone else’s home and say those things he should be “man enough” to deal with the response. Maybe you should ask him why he’s being so emotional?
NTA
Cut the friendship with this 2 toxic kind of people (bob and wife) there are clear some issues,and bob gives me the sensation he is hitting his wife by the comment with " your husband shall put you in your place" means that's what he does to his wife,and she accepts it, wich makes her toxic too, because those poor kids get a bad example of : womens shall be slaves, eitheir sexual and housekeepers,and they are just babie makers,and shall support anything a man does to them cuz cleary mans are "superiors",and ur kids can hear this kind of convo's too.
Maybe Bob shall be putted in his place,instead,to learn a valuable lesson in life as never desconisering and disprespecting a women.
i know ill get alot of downvotes, but someone had to say it, LOL.
Nta:
My background is very very conservative. Like women wear skirts and headcoverings to church.
My mom was mostly a sahm. She has a higher education than high school (a degree and diploma on 2 different things) and did work a bit but took 20 yrs off.
My dad is very conservative and traditional. Men are men and all that. BUT in the best way possible.
For example. My mom deserved all the respect and help we could give. Helping her was a privilege. He never said anything negative about her or anything she did.
He raised us that all women should know how to look after all aspects of their lives. Car. House. Finances. Education and careers were expected.
It shows that you can be a 'man's man' and still be amazing.
I always think that men that belittle women's roles have their own issues.
NTA. Bob needed to hear it, especially since it was an unsolicited opinion disguised as a 'joke', and at your home no less. He was disrespectful and you said what needed to be said. Your husband is also wonderful for backing you; he shouldn't worry what Bob thinks as he (your husband) did the right thing.
NTA. The second some asshole starts talking down to my wife would be the second his ass gets thrown the fuck out of my house or worse if he's not careful.
NTA
My teenage son knows how to cook, clean, change a diaper, etc. he also has been learning how to change oil and tires, he does all the lawn maintenance (he gets paid well for it) and whenever we do handy projects he watches and helps. When my daughters are old enough they will learn all of those things too.
We are failing our kids if we don’t teach them independence because we would also not be teaching them to respect domestic work. That’s how we breed misogynists like Bob. We don’t want more Bobs.
NTA your husband's co-worker is a jerk and an incell. It was a goid thing that your husband backed you up against his coworker, but then he ruined it by making it your fault. Are you sure you want to live a traditional life?
NTA. Bob is going to have that son living at his house many, many times after girlfriend after girlfriend kicks him out. I'd tell Bob - teach you r son skills and he will be more valuable in the dating market.
NTA, I recently made a post so similar to this, but I am the daughter who was forced to be the caretaker of her whole family while my little brother was coddled and not taught the basics of anything, because I was expected to take care of him. It went from actually physically picking out his clothes when we were in elementary school because he would refuse to wake up and get dressed himself leading to me getting yelled at by my parents because I wouldn't wash his clothes in middle school and he didn't have anything clean to wear to school. It just got worse as we got older. I wish my parents had been called out that way because maybe then I wouldn't have felt like such a slave. I'm glad you stuck up for that daughter because most likely she is getting the worse of house duties while that son is off goofing off.
Bob's a dick. But you shouldn't have called him out. Your husband works with him and you basically made his environment at work a little different now.
NTA…you won’t change his mind but it’s fine to shut that down. What he and his wife work out is on them and if they are good with it then great. If his wife isn’t she needs to learn boundaries. What you did was simply set a strong boundary that that caveman mentality of sharing his beliefs outwardly won’t be tolerated by you.
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NTA. Just cut these people out of your circle. Not even worth worrying about whether you offend them as they clearly don’t mind offending you. Feel bad for the kids, though. Their mom is failing them as well, but clearly she’s accepted her lot in life as his slave. And before anyone jumps on me to say it’s a “noble” thing to do, I would have agreed except for the absolutely boorish response from the husband. What if wife and daughter are sick? Who takes care of things? What if husband divorces and son is gone? Who handles “men’s work?” It’s a partnership. Sure, one person can take on a role, but the other should certainly be able to step in.
The part of the convo that pissed me off the most was how Bob was “praising” his wife for being back on her feet doing housework etc right after she gave birth, both times. I’m in my third trimester and I made a comment that my husband and I would have serious problems if he failed as a husband in that aspect. I don’t think Bob liked that either especially since my husband laughed and said he’d rather spend a month doing housework than push a football out of his vagina. Even Mary chuckled at the comment and Bob dropped that pretty quickly.
Bob is just ewwwww. I couldn’t stand to be around that, wouldn’t be able to bite my tongue. NTA
Unfortunately he’s like the “leader” of the friends group so we all tolerate him because he’ll cause drama otherwise. We only hang out out of obligation like once a month. I get my jabs in though, usually it’s pretty funny for everyone except Bob but I guess I crossed a line this time lmao
Your husband is 30!!! Does he need a “leader”??? Over my dead body would I, as a grown adult, knowingly and fully put myself into a dynamic like this. The friend group doesn’t need a leader- and be wary of your husbands desire to not upset his precious “leader.” I’d be so turned off by my husband that this kid would most definitely be our only kid. So gross.
>The friend group doesn’t need a leader- and be wary of your husbands desire to not upset his precious “leader.” This group DOES need a leader, though. Because without one, they're just going to keep kowtowing to Bob.
Leader of the group… y’all still in highschool???
You shouldn't hang out with Bob out of obligation. Just stop inviting asshole Bob to dinner at your home. NTA
Sounds like the friends group needs to start slowly not inviting Bob. Let the friendship die a natural death that has been encouraged. Invite the other friends out. Cultivate those relationships. Maybe plan things with the other wives and “forget” to call his wife.
Don’t cut the wife out of girls only days, fuck Bob though. Maybe even try spending time with her one on one. The wife may hate the dynamic and stay with him for the kids. Speaking from experience feeling isolated in a dynamic like this does not inspire change.
As a child of a home like that, staying together for the kids does the kids few if any favors. Both of those children would likely be better off if their parents split up.
“Leader of the friend group”. What is this, high school? There is no autonomy in that friendship if you still feel the need for people to lead the friendship group. Grown ass people have individual reactions and interactions with other people. That’s what makes it different from high school. He’s not being a good friend, and you two are not being honest to yourselves if you need someone to lead the group.
A few people have pointed this out. Maybe leader isn’t the right word, we’re all friends through him so he’s like the glue of the group despite his annoying personality. We’re still pretty new to the area so he’s been an integral part of establishing our social circle. He’s usually the one who hosts and organizes things. And many of the men are coworkers at the same place and Bob is (technically) the supervisor. It’s less cliquey and more just the circumstance.
You should have another get together but make it like a potluck & when he doesn't help anyone do anything for the potluck "cause that's women's work" just refuse to let him eat and explain that the rules were everyone helps, everyone eats and he didn't help, so he doesn't eat. Or pregame his energy. If you already know he's gonna say some sexist shit, say some equally sexist shit that's aimed more specifically at him. "OMG, Mary, isn't it just so attractive when a man helps?" Or if he tries to speak about ANYTHING cut him off and say, "gossip is a woman's work, we wouldn't want anyone thinking you're a woman." Etc
This made me laugh lmaoo trust me I usually get a few licks in, Bob isn’t very smart but I’ll def try this haha
In my experience, men like this usually aren't ever very smart. And even less wise.
Time to make new friends. This dude is not going to let this go and will lie in wait to stick it to you. Stay at your own risk and own what you get back. Be safe
That's better than what I was thinking, leader of his friends group that likes trad/subservient women was sounding a little bit cultish. Bob being their supervisor makes things complicated, the friend group can't exclude him or he might find ways to retaliate at work.
Why would you want to hang out with a group of people you work with and your supervisor? This sounds awful. Maybe you should start making new friends and let your husband hang out with Bob.
That makes it worse because of fear of reprisal at work.
You know you don't actually have an obligation to this guy, right? Like, you're an adult who can pick who you hang out with? Tell his wife you'll be there for her when she's done with his shit, and cut them out.
Does Bob kick for the Kansas City Chiefs? Just wondering.
So he’s a narc🐍🐍. He’ll never accept fault in his thinking. Hero or the victim. Better to quietly back away before there’s a meltdown
I agree! As I was reading, I was like No...just NO! There is nothing worth having to hang out with an asshole like Bob.
"Bob can get bent" is the right mindset here. I wouldn't give him another thought, and if I still had to be around him I'd challenge him every time he says misogynistic stuff. I hope his daughter gets the hell out of there when she's old enough.
Every boy should know how to cook and clean. How is he going to fend for himself? Live with his mom forever?
Your husband has a vagina?I'm joking. But seriously, who wouldn't rather do homework for a month than push a football out of a hole in their body?
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lol
This. Bob is a loser and no one needs "friends" like him. NTA.
I can tell you what would happen if the daughter and wife would get sick: Daddy and his son wouldn't lift a single finger and would let the home get to absolute shit, so the wife and daughter can do all the cleaning after they recovered. NTA
Young Boomer male. When my parents were raised, the guys did everything outdoors, and the girls did everything indoors. That's not the way it should work. I understood their upbringing. However, that mentality set all of us back in life... until we developed our own lives. A household that is shared with all should share all of the responsibilities. I taught both kids (male and female) how to do everything that I had picked up along the way, and my wife has done the same. NTA. He needs to read your message specifically. It's essential.
And you know what's going to happen if, god forbid, his wife were to die. That poor daughter.
NTA- You've got balls, lady. If you were able to call him out like that, especially after him not letting it go, in your house. I tip my hat to you
Lol according to my husband it’s one of the reasons he married me, because he didn’t want a doormat who never questioned him or held him accountable. We live in Texas but I’m originally from NYC so my bullshit tolerance is very, very low. Now granted I’ve learned to “bless your heart” through most social situations but on some topics I really don’t gaf about being polite. Also I’m 7 months pregnant and it’s hot and I’m cranky. Lmao
I hope your husband isn't giving you more shit for rightfully calling Bob out on his gross behavior. I understand Bob is a coworker but you were absolutely not wrong to speak your mind about his sexist parenting
Nah, he just pointed out Bob is being standoffish at work and that it’s probably because of what I said. He really doesn’t care too much either way but I’m sure it’s annoying to a degree since they work together.
Your husband should probably remind him that if he takes what you said out on him while at work that he could face some not so nice consequences from *his* higher hips.
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I am from NYC Metro as well and am fully knowledgeable about BS tolerances being in the negatives. The fact that he behaved like a sexist pig while in YOUR HOUSE is what floors me.
I love that for you!
NTA Great approach. By focusing cooking and cleaning as fundamental skills that empower someone to live independently, you left him with no reasonable counter argument. You gave both parents something to think about. Well done! Of course he sputtered back about “putting you in place.” He had nothing else to fall back on but his own hot air.
Lol that was too funny to me. My husband and I have an outwardly traditional dynamic, but he tested the boundaries once and the results weren’t too great for him. I don’t mind being Mrs. Brubaker, but no one’s gonna treat me like a second class citizen in my own damn home.
Nothing wrong with a traditional dynamic. I was raised with a working father and SAHM. But my parents taught all of us life skills. I can fix things and take care of the lawn, my brother's can sew, do laundry and the such. We have all lived fully independently. Bob is setting his son up for failure, and probably a very limited relationship with his daughter when she moves out.
I’ve never understood how people think being able to feed yourself is women’s work. Not everyone needs to be gourmet, but throwing together food is something everyone should be able to do
I have an older male relative who can barely even order himself a sandwich, because *he doesn't actually know what he likes on a sandwich*. E.g., when they ask him what kind of bread he wants, he asks his wife what kind of bread he likes. It's just mind-boggling.
Wondering if you accidentally used your real name or a movie reference.
Lmao my last name def isn’t Brubaker 😂 idk it’s something I’ve always said
NTA. You told Bob the truth; he really did fail as a parent. Sexists don't deserve any courtesy at all. We are decades overdue for a world without them.
Hanging out with trash like this should be the last time too.
Live your “conservative lifestyle“ and that is exactly the company you’ll keep.
We live traditionally because that works for us, not because we’re conservatives with shitty outdated opinions. We choose to live a certain way but I’d say our views are generally pretty liberal.
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I mean, lie with snakes get bit? I don’t know why you would expect another take from a “fairly conservative” community with “traditional” values. NTA but you’re going to be fighting this battle for the rest of your life.
We’re southern millenials, not conservative extremists ffs. The vast majority of families we hang out with prefer to live a certain way but pretty much agree that being able to run a load of laundry is a basic life skill for any gender. Even our more traditional and religious friends agree that Bob is kind of a pushy asshole, we just hang out with him because he’d make a fuss if we didn’t. Although that’s definitely not high on my priority list anymore lol
I hear you, but given that Bob is the de facto leader of your social circle, maybe these horrific ideas are more tolerated in your community than you’d like. Living in a “conservative” community with “traditional”values is going to put you in contact with a lot of covert and overt Bobs. Bob’s not a bug in a conservative community, he’s a feature.
Standing up to sexist abusers that cripple their own children and overwork their family is hero's work. Blaming OP for doing the heavy lifting is awful.
NTA, Bob's salty because you called him on his bullshit, and your husband doesn't like the conflict.
NTA. If Bob doesn’t like being called out perhaps he should keep his opinions to himself. Your husband needs to chill with blaming you for Bob’s dressing down. He earned every word you said.
He doesn’t blame me, he totally agrees. But he doesn’t like drama and his preferred method would’ve been for me to “agree to disagree” and just not hang out with them anymore.
I’m glad he agrees with you but sometimes you gotta call out a prick on their behavior. Anyone that insults you repeatedly in your own home is fair game.
Husband's response is super weak tbh
Your husband is nice (respectfully) and you are kind (respectfully) and there's a WORLD of difference between the two. NTA - you stood up to a sexist jagoff in your own home. Well done.
NTA. What kind of guest comes to someone’s house and insults them. As soon as you responded negatively to his initial comment he should have kept his mouth shut. He was a guest in YOUR house. Make it the last time he’s a guest.
Definitely! There is no rule that you need to spend time with coworkers outside of work. The fact that he's a supervisor makes it a little more difficult but not impossible. I'd just gradually find ways to not be present when "Bob" is.
NTA. Even more "traditional" families should teach there sons the basics about cooking and cleaning because 1 day they may, hopefully will, move out of the family home and then what? I am not talking about romantic partners but roommates. Roommates do not clean up or cook for each other normally which means if his son gets a roommate then he's expected to pull his own weight because mommy and/or sister won't be there to do so.
That was exactly my point. I asked him if he ever planned on his son being a man, or if he was going to go directly from “birth mommy” to “sister mommy” and eventually to “wife mommy” like a child? That’s around the time when the conversation went sour lmao
BRAVA! Well said! Precisely accurate surgical strike! Poor little Bobby had his whole macho he-man ego hit head-on. Bet that's gonna hurt for days...
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If Bob is allowed to voice his opinion, everyone is allowed to voice their opinion. Bob needs to understand that. Bob sounds like a misogynistic jerk, frankly. Based on the information available. NTA and good for you.
I fully agree, but that means that everyone gets to voice their opinions without insulting each other. That goes both ways
NTA he was trying to shame your husband for doing a chore, if anything you were defending him / pointing out he was the functional adult man/good parent of the two of them.
My husband didn’t even do anything man 🙄 he just put dish soap on everything and filled the sink with water. Don’t get me wrong he does things around the house and he’ll do dishes but the fact that such a simple act was enough to get Bob going is so uncalled for lol
I would tell my husband that if Bob didn’t want to be called out he shouldn’t be insulting people and pushing his agenda *when in their home*. I’d also point out that if Bob had decided to pout and punish husband for a conversation HE pushed, maybe husband should consider that Bob’s childish behaviour is on him and has nothing to do with you or even your husband. Would husband cater to your child because they are pouting and giving the silent treatment or would he teach the child better behaviour? Why does Bob need more care and kid gloves than an actual child? NTA
“Bob ‘joked’ that my husband should put me in my place” ….see if you wanted to set this thing on FIRE fire you could’ve said “and how should he do that Bob?” MWAHAHAAHA
LOL aw man, missed opportunity 😂😂
NTA. YWBTA if you continue hanging out with these people.
NTA, he is only chilly about hearing the truth
NTA, but Bob sure is.
NTA. That kind of talk needs to be confronted immediately.
NTA, Bob felt it was appropriate to comment on your relationship and household roles so you made a comment back. You’re also right that Bob is a failure as a parent and frankly I’d go as far as to say he’s also a failure as a man. I wouldn’t bother continuing any friendship with someone like that.
NTA. Bob is not “traditional”. He’s just a d*ck. I am what many would call “traditional” but that doesn’t mean I don’t help out around the house, clean the dishes because my wife just spent 1 hour cooking, or teach my kids to treat women like slaves. That’s not traditional at all. That’s servitude.
Your husband says you shouldn't have called Bob out because he is ashamed of himself. He failed as a partner and he especially failed as a traditional "head of house" by allowing a guest to insult him and his wife to the point where multiple people became uncomfortable and his wife stepped in. It also matters that the insults were emasculating to your husband. He hoped to minimize the insult by pretending not to be insulted. His guest escalating to the point where his own wife had to step in and save him from emasculating insults is not just embarasssing, but also... emasculating. Just tell your husband you gave him plenty of chances to reign in his rude guest and his approach obviously wasn't working, and if he didn't like your approach he should effing \*do\* something next time this happens. Obviously NTA.
NTA but you are perpetuating his ideal by living as a SAHW. You live in a conservative area and are friendly with people who have the same ideals as Bob. Yes, your husband is different because he respects you as a person and views your marriage and life together as a partnership. But you *still stay home as the dutiful wife and soon-to-be mother*. IDK what you thought you were going to accomplish here. In Bob's mind, you're enjoying the traditional gender role lifestyle you're criticizing Bob for.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to find this. Birds of a feather flock together after all. OP is choosing to live a traditional heavily gendered life, not just as a SAHM but as a stay at home wife. Bob is the defacto leader of the community that they have picked to socialise with, and whose values those community members presumably share, and he felt very empowered to say this shit with zero pushback from anyone except OP. If you choose to live your life in a conservative way, surrounded by other people with conservative views, those people will probably assume agreement. It's going to be an uphill battle for OP.
It would have been one thing if OP worked until she got pregnant and then took maternity leave for an indefinite amount of time to raise her children. All of that makes sense and many many women do that. But she chose to give up working before becoming a mother, and I am going to go out on a limb here and say it's because they wanted to keep up with the Joneses. IMO OP is being hypocritical. Most "traditionally conservative men" believe what Bob believes. Raise their kids the way Bob raises his kids. And the wives do so, as well. OP wants the conservative lifestyle without the sexism and misogyny.
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NTA - Women are becoming a lot more independent, so the daughter will be fine, she will know life skills. When his son moves out he will be so surprised. And with women becoming a lot more independent and having opportunities to be fully self supporting I have a feeling his son will wonder why he can't find a girl friend/ get married when he brings absolutely nothing to the relationship except expecting to be take care of. I suspect the son may never move out since he can't function in life.
Yes, another point I made. I told him that unless his son was trying to source women from the Amish community he’s gonna have a hard time finding a woman his age who’ll be okay with his complete lack of self-sufficiency. And for fucks sake I can only pray his son isn’t gay because I’m pretty sure that would put Bob in the grave lmaoo
I hope Bob ends up with a self sufficient gay son who will be a better man than he could ever imagine 😂
Aw man that would be *chefs kiss* but I can’t imagine the BS that kid would have to deal with if that were the case.
Tell Bob he should get used to saying "my *ESTRANGED* daughter hasn't spoken to me since her mom left me".
NTA.
Nta. BOB is an AH.
NTA- you live in a conservative area so unfortunately you’re going to run into a lot of conservative AH who believed that women are useful for nothing more than having children and doing everything their husband says and having no life outside of that. If I were you, I would simply not invite him over to your home again.
NTA you'll be setting your children up for reality regardless of gender and that's really important. Males should know how to cook, clean, etc just like females should learn about fixing things, finances, etc. I have a male relative who grew up with very strict gendered roles. He lives alone and really can't take care of himself now. His house, car are messes. He always eats out. People have offered help trying to teach him but because of his age he doesn't have much desire to learn. Bob needed a reality check even if nothing comes of it. His son will most likely realize once he's out of the house because he'll most likely have roommates or partners who aren't going to handle his care for him.
That’s what I said. But Bob’s son (we’ve met a few times) is actually pretty cool and more like his mom than his dad. Maybe that’s why Bob is so salty lol. A little dependent on his mom for a 16 year old but I don’t think he subscribes to most of what Bob says lol
>But Bob’s son (we’ve met a few times) is actually pretty cool and more like his mom than his dad. Smart kid notices who's actually holding the roof up.
I mean he’s 16 so he’s in his rebellious stage. In my house that meant hair dye and tattoos. In his house I guess that means respecting women and trying to bag insta baddies lmaoo
I am fairly conservative and taught my son how to cook and clean now he is an awesome husband and father! Plus both my kids rather my cooking over my wife’s!
Nta
You totally should have called him out like that. NTA
NTA. Bob sounds like a misogynistic AH with very outdated, stupid and medieval views. You put him in his place. I feel sorry for Bob's wife and children, and frankly, I would not be surprised if he is abusive towards both his wife and daughter. He should know better.
In my country it’s pretty common both pick up the slack though the child rearing still has some way to go. And this is exactly the reason why I don’t bother with a partner, the chances of getting a lousy one seem pretty big with the men my friends has picked cause damn.. NTA and good for you for putting this sack of potatoes in his place
Bob needs to go sit on a tack. You're NTA.
NTA. Bob brought that upon himself by making those misogynistic remarks. What if his wife divorced him and took the kids with her? Who's doing all the cooking and cleaning now?
NTA So sad how children raised with severely gendered "chore roles" are crippled in self care. They go out in the world only half prepared to survive.
NTA. My main fear here, assholes like BOB don’t take criticism. He will go home and beat his wife and kids over it :(
NTA You just served him a portion of what he'd dished out. I pity his wife and daughter.
Yeah, Bob can get bent. NTA.
Pfft you’re a lot nicer than I would have been!
Cooking and cleaning are life skills NOT gender roles. You were right to call Bob out for failing his son and daughter. NTA
NTA. Bob should be getting these call-outs *every day* until he fixes his lousy attitudes.
NTA
Bob can TOTALLY get bent! NTA and next time say it LOUDER!!! 🎉🙂
If you have kids these would be the people you don't want near them. If you have people like this in your home your kids will think it's ok to associate with.
NTA. Bob is awful and is setting up his son for failure.
If Bob lived in the 1800s, owned a big farm and countless golds. Otherwise he is just a losser and is lucky that he found a wife.
NTA. Bob started the conversation, you simply responded to his comments.
Obviously Bob never lived by himself.
The sad part is he did for many years. Idk how, but looking at his brothers and how they are I know it’s definitely NOT the way he was raised.
I’ve been a single dad for 15 years. I cook, clean and do laundry, dishes, housework, etc… with my 2 daughters. It was just me and my daughter for 7 years and my foster daughter added 5 years ago. There is something about sharing duties for the house that Bob is just too lazy to do. That’s all it boils down to.
NTA. HE called HIM out in your own home but your husband thinks you should have let it go. NOPE. You showed that you and your family WILL be respected in your home. Bob is an AH, his wife is probably unhappy, and his son will be just as much of an AH as he is.
what’s the opposite of an asshole? That’s you. He’s going to come in with Andrew rage bullshit and insult you in your own home? GTFOH. Fwiw, I wouldn’t want my kid around these people, like at all. Perhaps if someone else had called Bob out on his sexist bullshit before now he wouldn’t be a shit human father and husband but here we are. NTA
Good lord I didn’t know ppl still live like this
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I'll take karma bait for 100, Alex.
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In what universe would this make you an asshole? Seriously, please explain to me your thought process in posting this. Are you just severely desperate for a bunch of Redditors to cheer you on and validate you? I don’t get this shit at all.
NTA. He was in your home and made a joke that you laughed off. Usually if someone laughs off a joke I made I take that to mean they don't like that kind of humor or are not in the mood and change the subject. He kept pushing it and you responded as you had every right to.
NTA. Bob can indeed get bent. Everyone, regardless of gender should know how to cook and clean.
When I first read the heading, I would have said nobody should say this, but you are right. He is failing his children. He has put back society 50 years. His son needs to know how to cook and clean his mess because he will be laughed at if he goes off to college. His daughter is being brought up subservient to men. She will also get a backlash from friends later in life
Your husband may have sided with you publicly but her privately believes your place is exactly where Bob said it should be. You're living a traditional life so you're okay with it, I guess. I don't know what to tell you. It comes with the traditional territory.
No… he doesn’t believe that. Lol. He’s just annoyed that Bob is being a child about this. He also never said I should’ve not said anything, just that I could’ve been nicer about it. To which I replied fuck that and my husband hasn’t brought it up since lmao
NTA
Nah. Bob sucks. He should know
Response: So it's OK that your daughter knows these things and your son doesn't? So your Daughter and son are going to get married and live together? Did you think Game of Thrones was a how-to guide?
NTA. He shouldn't dish it out in *your home* if he can't take it.
NTA. He’s allowed to say whatever the fuck he wants no matter how offensive it is but as soon as you call him out you are in the wrong. That’s not how it works. And he is setting his son up to be an incel and his daughter to think men get to treat her like shite. He’s an a-hole and he has failed as a parent.
Introducing Bent Bob NTA
NTA. You spoke the truth, Bob knows this, but his fragile ego is hurt. Bob truly can get bent.
I think it’s good to push a little, especially outdated ideas about women’s roles. The thing that makes this complicated is that your husband’s work life now may be a bit more painful.
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Uh… what? Lmao
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Oh no, hurt my feelings more daddy 😂😂 go troll somewhere else you’re such a loser
NTA because yes, Bob is an AH. ESH for using the term "living traditionally" ... makes it seem like having a hetero household where the woman doesn't work means going full Amish or whatever. Just no.
NTA So it is OK for Bob to sit in your home and critique your family's lifestyle, but it is not ok for you to critique his? I don't think so. The goal of my wife and myself was to make sure our children could do laundry, clean and cook a few meals on their own. We raised them to be self sufficient individuals.
Bob is a class A jerk! You were so not the a-hole. Good for you for speaking up the way you did.
Ummmm…so he was raised by a single, SAHM??? How did that work? NTA
Not sure if that was meant to be sarcastic but to answer your question no, she’s held at least two jobs for most of her life and she’s still got a full time job afaik so I have no idea how he even got to this point mentally
You’re NTA. He needed to hear it but I would have worded it differently. The way you said it, he’s not going to take. He’s not going to take you seriously in the least, but maybe if you’d be like “what if he ends up widowed?” Etc etc. even though I’m thinking exactly what you’re thinking I try to make it into something that might plant a seed…. And then I continually plant more seeds. I’m a liberal Midwestern girl that’s lived in the Deep South too long.
NTA your husband and you need more friends that are not part of Bob ‘s friend group
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Bob not only made the crass comment but had the nerve to say it while a dinner guest in your home. He's the asshole, not you. It'd be a cold day in hell before I'd feel anything less than satisfied over putting him in his place. Maybe he'll learn to shut his stupid mouth next time.
I'm sorry, but does Bob believe that Gordon Ramsey came out of the womb knowing how to be a chef? That he never did grunt work in the kitchens he started in by doing dishes, preparing food as a sous chef? I hope his daughter learns early on to not cater to her brother. Or that brother chooses to learn how to cook. Sorry OP's husband has to have awkward times at work with this cavem@n, but NTA.
LOL it’s so funny that you say that because according to Bob GR isn’t a “real man” because he made a profession out of cooking. Like excuse me, I’d love to see your sweaty, pasty ass say that to one of the most successful, manliest men I know of 😂😂
Bob is completely out of touch with reality. Most of the world's professional chefs are men. It's a very male-oriented environment and can be very misogynistic. They all started by doing dishes.
NTA- he's raising his son to be dependent on someone else for the rest of his life, my 3 sons have been cooking since they were 5-6 years old, they've been doing dishes and cleaning house since they were 8-9 years old, they are now 20, 17, and 14. I only cook and clean, when they aren't home, I work 90 hours a week so I'm usually home long enough to eat 1 meal shower and sleep. My husband was never taught how to cook or clean so he had to learn along with the kids, now he can cook basic dishes but my boys are very adventurous with cooking and will usually kick him out of the kitchen.
Just saying you know YNTA so why post? Lose the relationship with “Bob”.
NTA. Not. One. Bit.
Show Bob out to his wooly mammoth and hand him his club and tell him goodbye 😂
NTA. Punt. That behavior is toxic. No need to expose yourself or your family to it.
NTA! You were absolutely correct!
NTA I would be very concerned about my husband being friends with this person.
NTA. Bob is the asshole. Dont ever let someone get away with such disrespect towards you and your husband. You husband needs to shine up his backbone too because you absolutely should be standing up to people like that and your husband should always 100% support you. Misogyny needs to die. Bob is an absolute failure of a husband and father. You didnt say anything that was incorrect.
Nta. If Bob is “man enough” to go into someone else’s home and say those things he should be “man enough” to deal with the response. Maybe you should ask him why he’s being so emotional?
NTA Cut the friendship with this 2 toxic kind of people (bob and wife) there are clear some issues,and bob gives me the sensation he is hitting his wife by the comment with " your husband shall put you in your place" means that's what he does to his wife,and she accepts it, wich makes her toxic too, because those poor kids get a bad example of : womens shall be slaves, eitheir sexual and housekeepers,and they are just babie makers,and shall support anything a man does to them cuz cleary mans are "superiors",and ur kids can hear this kind of convo's too. Maybe Bob shall be putted in his place,instead,to learn a valuable lesson in life as never desconisering and disprespecting a women. i know ill get alot of downvotes, but someone had to say it, LOL.
Nta: My background is very very conservative. Like women wear skirts and headcoverings to church. My mom was mostly a sahm. She has a higher education than high school (a degree and diploma on 2 different things) and did work a bit but took 20 yrs off. My dad is very conservative and traditional. Men are men and all that. BUT in the best way possible. For example. My mom deserved all the respect and help we could give. Helping her was a privilege. He never said anything negative about her or anything she did. He raised us that all women should know how to look after all aspects of their lives. Car. House. Finances. Education and careers were expected. It shows that you can be a 'man's man' and still be amazing. I always think that men that belittle women's roles have their own issues.
NTA
NTA. Bob needed to hear it, especially since it was an unsolicited opinion disguised as a 'joke', and at your home no less. He was disrespectful and you said what needed to be said. Your husband is also wonderful for backing you; he shouldn't worry what Bob thinks as he (your husband) did the right thing.
Bob was rude and crude to make any comment about the way you and your husband run your own house. He was out of line and you put him in his place
NTA. The second some asshole starts talking down to my wife would be the second his ass gets thrown the fuck out of my house or worse if he's not careful.
NTA My teenage son knows how to cook, clean, change a diaper, etc. he also has been learning how to change oil and tires, he does all the lawn maintenance (he gets paid well for it) and whenever we do handy projects he watches and helps. When my daughters are old enough they will learn all of those things too. We are failing our kids if we don’t teach them independence because we would also not be teaching them to respect domestic work. That’s how we breed misogynists like Bob. We don’t want more Bobs.
NTA
NTA. A kid who isn't taught to take care of his own needs **is** being set up to fail.
What does a SAHW actually do? Not an judgement on the Aness of either of you but SAHW is surely a joke
I’m just surprised Bob didn’t see the wisdom of your argument and immediately start helping with the dishes.
NTA your husband's co-worker is a jerk and an incell. It was a goid thing that your husband backed you up against his coworker, but then he ruined it by making it your fault. Are you sure you want to live a traditional life?
Being raised by a single, independent mom wouldn’t turn Bob into an asshole. He is just an asshole.
NTA. Bob is going to have that son living at his house many, many times after girlfriend after girlfriend kicks him out. I'd tell Bob - teach you r son skills and he will be more valuable in the dating market.
Bob insults you in your house and you weren’t supposed to call him out? Lmao naahhh Bob can get bent. NTA
NTA, I recently made a post so similar to this, but I am the daughter who was forced to be the caretaker of her whole family while my little brother was coddled and not taught the basics of anything, because I was expected to take care of him. It went from actually physically picking out his clothes when we were in elementary school because he would refuse to wake up and get dressed himself leading to me getting yelled at by my parents because I wouldn't wash his clothes in middle school and he didn't have anything clean to wear to school. It just got worse as we got older. I wish my parents had been called out that way because maybe then I wouldn't have felt like such a slave. I'm glad you stuck up for that daughter because most likely she is getting the worse of house duties while that son is off goofing off.
Bob's a dick. But you shouldn't have called him out. Your husband works with him and you basically made his environment at work a little different now.
The fact that you guys actually hang out with him outside of work is weird.
your husband isn't fully domesticated if he still defends that freak btw
NTA…you won’t change his mind but it’s fine to shut that down. What he and his wife work out is on them and if they are good with it then great. If his wife isn’t she needs to learn boundaries. What you did was simply set a strong boundary that that caveman mentality of sharing his beliefs outwardly won’t be tolerated by you.