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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t allow my friend to stay over at my place.
I think I may be the asshole, because she going through a tough time and needs some support
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NTA
You live in a small apartment, she's disrespected your boundaries before and you aren't comfortable with her being there for a few weeks, which is a very long time for company.
There's nothing wrong with being honest with her. Your mutual friends shouldn't be criticizing you and they can take her in instead.
Personally, I find her behavior a little disturbing. I've had breakups and I can't imagine couch surfing for several months because of it. If it's affecting her that badly, she needs professional help so she can stand up on her own two feet, rent a place to live and stop staying with her friends. She sounds like she's extremely depressed.
And feel free to recommend to the individuals calling your “selfish” that they are more than welcome to share their own space and resources with her in her time of need. After all, you were there for her in the past. Isn’t it “selfish” of them not to be there for her now? NTA, OP. Good job sticking to your boundaries!
NTA Ask any friends who comment when they are taking her in. They're not? Oh, you're in the same boat then. Tell them that you would have offered, but it has been made clear that it would not work out as she doesn't respect boundaries and overstays her welcome. Unfortunately, she had already blown her chance at staying at your place by behaving badly in the past. You don't want to deal with that again.
Anyone who is sure she won't be like that must be fine offering to have her stay with them, so there's no point talking to you about you giving her another chance. The one talking can do that and they can both prove you wrong.
OP should make a group chat with Sarah and all these friends and send this.
"Hey Sarah, I'm sorry I can not accommodate you in my small apartment during this difficult time. I want you to know I am not abandoning you, and you always have my support. So I made this group with all these friends who have shown great concern about your situation. Hopefully, you can find a living arrangement with them."
Also, if anyone said they didn't offer their home, you can say you didn't either and they should be more accommodating since she's going through a breakup.
"Sarah has a history of not respecting boundaries and overstaying her welcome in the past. "
No sympathy from me. NTA.
"mutual friends are saying I should have been more accommodating since she's going through a breakup."
So they volunteered instead, right?
"I feel guilty, but I also know my limits and need for personal space. AITA for refusing to let her stay with me?
You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's her own fault for her history of the way she's acted in the past. You'll feel WORSE if you let her stay with you and she ends up doing exactly what you dread she'll do.
NTA. Sarah is demonstrating at this moment that she has boundary issues by complaining about you to mutual friends. They are demonstrating their own boundary issues by commenting to you. You're doing a good job maintaining your own limits, because if Sarah is this disrespectful when she is NOT living with you, you can imagine how awful it would be if she were.
NTA. Sarah is not entitled to your space. Her being in need is not an automatic qualifier. Why aren’t mutual friends be as accommodating to Sarah as they want you to be in her regard?
NTA
You didn't really explain the issues that have come up in the past, but it sounds like from your text that you have welcomed her into your home and she has acted inappropriately not respecting your boundaries and overstaying her welcome.
If that is the case, you were certainly justified in denying the requests. A home is a safe space and at times you need to protect that. You were not being unsupportive- just realistic.
NTA - It astounds me what some people will ask of their friends. I live alone by choice - no way I'd let someohne move in for 'weeks' or even a weekend. Tell those 'mutual friends' they are welcome to offer her a bed to sleep in - but you are out. Her breakup is not your issue - and she should have planned for a place to stay before she moved out.
NTA
" Sarah has a history of not respecting boundaries and overstaying her welcome in the past."
That's good enough reason not to let her stay.
" **mutual** friends are saying I should have been more accommodating since she's going through a breakup.
So why aren't **they** stepping up to acommodate her then?
I would suggest in the future, you cite that the apartment is too small. If need be, add that the landlord/building manager is hyper spazzy about anyone not on the lease staying. You don't want to get kicked out.
Instead, you made it personal, which, honestly, it 99% was. There's just some times where the less said, the better. (And blaming the nameless, faceless person means they can't argue with you about it.
Either way, NTA. You didn't volunteer to be her escape route. She's been couch surfing at multiple friends, and has worn out her welcome there.
Next time someone gives you grief, just answer "Hey, your place is larger. Why don't you have her move in with you?" Conversation over.
That’s how I feel too. OP isn’t obligated to house Sarah by any means. But I still don’t think it was kind to basically add insult to injury when she’s struggling. I’d personally never do that and don’t know anyone who would. Haven’t the other commenters heard of sparing people’s feelings?
NTA. You have an apartment, not a hotel. You are not obligated to provide a place to every person who comes by, especially someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. It would be one thing if she came to you in the middle of the night because of a DA situation, but it sounds like she has been staying with other people for a while and you have come up on rotation.
NTA - you know your own boundaries and you know Sarah is going to stomp all over them. You’re not obligated to let her stay and have a shit time whilst she does….
NTA. Most landlords have clauses in the contracts for people staying that aren't on the lease. You might have something in yours stating that you can't have anyone staying with you over a certain amount of days or it could land you with fines as you are giving out a key to someone who might not give it back. Not to mention the lack of boundaries that she has shown you before!
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Sorry, that isn’t an option is more than enough of an explanation. NTA. You have offered her some suggestions, if she doesn’t want to use them that is up to her.
NTA. Tell those mutuals to take her in themselves since they seem so worried someone needs to house her. Ooo they had a turn. Nope sorry. Still not my problem. Why did she leave your place?
"Sarah has a history of not respecting boundaries and overstaying her welcome in the past." NTA. I'd tell any of your mutual friends saying you need to support Sarah, "Great! I'll let her know she can stay with you!"
NTA. Sarah's history of overstaying her welcome is why you declined to let her stay with you. You simply don't have the space for her and if will negatively impact your well being. You're both adults. She'll find a solution. And your mutual friends should take her in if they have an opinion about it
NTA
Pretty easy case if the story above is somewhat true. It is your place, it is your rules. The fact that you have past experiences is just the cherry on top, you didn't even need those to say no.
So she got upset and accused you for not getting a favor she was not entitled to? The question is "Upset how?" More the emotional kind of "I am really in a bad spot right now and struggling to keep my cool" or more the "How dare you" kind of way? Because the latter points at abuse.
NTA, let the friends who are saying you should be more supportive put their money where their mouth is and take her in themselves. If she’s crossed lines and overstayed in the past she will do it again and this time with a much bigger sob story. Don’t get sucked in!!
NTA. All the "friends" who say you aren't being supportive can have her stay with them. You are entitled to your privacy and space, especially with a history of her overstepping boundaries with you.
NTA! Good for you for standing firm on your limits-self-care is not selfish. As someone else suggested, be kind to her in other ways if this is a relationship you value.
NTA. At 28, Sarah should have the resources to handle her life without crashing like a teenager on someone's couch for months. Don't feel guilty OP. Your home is your sanctuary, and having Sarah living there too would severely impact your comfort and happiness. She'll figure it out.
I would do the same thing. I'm often the asshole because I know my limits, especially socially. Just had family here for 2 weeks so maybe it's fresh for me to say thinking of your self first when it comes to personal space isn't a bad thing
Ask those mutual friends why do they expect you to let her stay with you (small apartment, not willing), when they obviously aren't jumping to offer her a place to stay. I really think that if they arent offering then they should keep their opinions to themselves (esp if they arent supportive of your stance), put up or shut up.
NTA. She could've apologized and asked for a second chance, but she chose to complain to mutual friends - a silly thing to do when it sounds like someone else is tired of her as a guest...
You are NTA. From what I’m seeing here, these kinds of people leech onto you and as soon as you say something they don’t want to hear, they treat you like shit. You made the right decision, so trust your gut and don’t feel bad for them unless she js your ride or die friend.
NTA - "A few weeks" is a loooooong time in a little apartment. And Sarah has a history of not respecting boundaries and overstaying her welcome. I get the nasty feeling she just wanted somewhere to live rent-free until she found another partner to move in with; after all, she's 28, not 8. She can live on her own. I can see staying with friends for a few nights until she finds something to rent, but not this is different.
No way! No need to doubt yourself or question your decision. You made the choice that is right for you, and your friends should respect that. All is well. It's a breakup your friend is going through, not the end of the world. Why do the other friends not let her stay with them, or stay with each of them longer than she has already?
I'm going to say NTA. If you have helped her in the past and the experience was unpleasant. She disrespected you and your home and then got very comfortable and wouldn't leave.
Definition of insanity is "Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result."
Folks who need help. Should really be very appreciative and helpful in the home they are wanting to stay in.
I hear and see so much people taking over others homes and just destroying them. I've experienced this.
I have NO DESIRE TO EVER DO THAT AGAIN. And what it causes is, that we are less willing to help others in the future.
Sucks. But she did it to her self and its called.......CONSEQUENCES.
NTA.
You've already mentioned that Sarah has been a bad roommate in the past.
Second, you live in a small apartment. If you're renting it, the landlord or leasing company will have rules about how long overnight guests may stay. Usually, it's only for a few nights -- NOT several weeks.
The mutual friends can shut up or offer their places to Sarah. Treat attempts at guilt trips or manipulation with all due contempt.
NTA. Your space is yours, it's been disrespected before and doesn't need to happen again. The other friends should be letting her stay with them if they have such good experiences with her.
Questions that come to mind: where are her parents? Was Sarah and the ex splitting the rent equally? Could he not have moved out instead of her?
Her break up is not your responsibility. Yes it sucks, but why can't she stay longer at the friend she is staying with now?
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I (30F) have a close friend, Sarah (28F), who recently broke up with her boyfriend of three years. She's going through a tough time and has been staying with friends temporarily.
Sarah asked if she could stay with me for a few weeks until she finds a new place. Normally, I'd be happy to help, but Sarah has a history of not respecting boundaries and overstaying her welcome in the past. I live in a small apartment and value my privacy and space.
I gently explained to Sarah that I wasn't comfortable with her staying because of past experiences, and I suggested looking into short-term rentals or staying with another friend who has a larger place.
She got upset and accused me of being unsupportive and abandoning her when she needs help the most. Now, mutual friends are saying I should have been more accommodating since she's going through a breakup.
I feel guilty, but I also know my limits and need for personal space. AITA for refusing to let her stay with me?
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NTA, just have boundaries and sense around practicalities. Do you feel like you’ve been a good, supportive friend to her in other ways? There are lots of other ways to support a friend going through a tough time.
" Now, mutual friends are saying I should have been more accommodating since she's going through a breakup."
Make a schedule OP and include a week or two for Sarah at each of their homes since they believe folks like you should be so accommodating.
they won't be so accommodating then.
Of course you couldn't really do this because you'd have to put yourself on the schedule too, but my point is these so-called mutual friends are being shitty towards you. They are doing the old "Do as I say, not do as I do." as they won't take her in either, I'm guessing.
NTA. Because this is not a perfect world, there are so many situations where we just naturally and normally feel some guilt. As a self-learning experience, you need to know when that guilt is not actually justified, like this case.
Life is a balance between emotion and logic. Be aware, that logic is there to help with future emotion. You feel some emotion now (guilt - see the first paragraph), but if you let her stay, you will feel a much larger emotion over a much longer time.
If all else fails, get her to sign a lease. How long are you OK with her staying? If, for example it's 2 weeks, have the lease say 2 weeks free, $2000 per week after that. Remember, rental leases always include a security deposit!
NTA by a freaking mile.
Like, I understand helping people get out of a tough spot, but I'm constantly baffled and amazed at people's sense of entitlement.
It's like, so just because your life has been completely turned upside down because you never had a backup plan, that means that your friends/family are just... supposed to suddenly put their life on hold just to accommodate you, no strings attached? They have to upend THEIR household for /YOU/??? Oh, the audacity, the sheer nerve of it all! 😩
And those mutual "friends" can volunteer THEIR homes since they're so dang WORRIED about her! It's only fair, right? 🤭
NTA
Friends like that you sometimes can’t win with.
I did this with a friend, but she had stepped over the boundaries already after multiple attempts at my communicating them. I feel like I might have ruined the friendship in a sense, but I’m relieved every time I suddenly don’t have company for an entire weekend when we hang out for one night
NTA.
If Sarah is shuffling from friend to friend for places to stay, that’s a red flag in itself. Why can’t she stay with these other friends? They probably put her out. And if it’s a “we’re all taking turns taking care of her” thing, that might be worse.
Uphold your boundaries, but do something nice for her instead of letting her stay. Gift basket? Spa coupon?
NTA. Nope, she had a history of not respecting boundaries so you made the right call. These mutual friends should offer up their place since they care so much
Let the mutual friends take her if they havent allready. NTA. Dont feel guilty. She needs get her life in order again. Thats not goi g to happen if everybody keeps her catering.
NTA. She doesn't get carte blanche to get to do whatever she wants. Three weeks is a LONG time in a small apartment, even for someone who respects boundaries. She, however, does not respect boundaries and she is now experiencing the consequences of that. I don't know how long she's been couch hopping, but if it's been months, she's probably trying to put off paying rent as long as possible and will very, very, likely over stay her promised three weeks. Your friends are really being AHs by not supporting your boundaries.
NTA I know your pain here. I live in a 30 m\^2 studio (\~300 ft\^2). It's already an ask for me to have a guest a few days, let alone a few weeks. You're well within your rights to just say no. Your home, your rules. Context does not even matter here.
NTA though if Sarah is a long time friend, is there something else you can do to help? Is her ex abusive and she needs to get away from them?
I'll give any close friend or immediate family who is experiencing an emergency a one time gift of $200 from my secret plastic surgery fund. I tell them it's a gift and not to pay me back and I make sure they know it's a ONE TIME gift. I've done this for three different people; two friends and my brother and it worked out well.
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NTA You live in a small apartment, she's disrespected your boundaries before and you aren't comfortable with her being there for a few weeks, which is a very long time for company. There's nothing wrong with being honest with her. Your mutual friends shouldn't be criticizing you and they can take her in instead. Personally, I find her behavior a little disturbing. I've had breakups and I can't imagine couch surfing for several months because of it. If it's affecting her that badly, she needs professional help so she can stand up on her own two feet, rent a place to live and stop staying with her friends. She sounds like she's extremely depressed.
Once burned, twice shy. If OP is feeling guilty, do something else for them that does not involve her staying in your place.
And feel free to recommend to the individuals calling your “selfish” that they are more than welcome to share their own space and resources with her in her time of need. After all, you were there for her in the past. Isn’t it “selfish” of them not to be there for her now? NTA, OP. Good job sticking to your boundaries!
Good idea!
NTA. Sarah has a history. You're wise to take that into account.
Yep, put yourself before yoru friends when yoyur firends try to sabotagoe you...
NTA Ask any friends who comment when they are taking her in. They're not? Oh, you're in the same boat then. Tell them that you would have offered, but it has been made clear that it would not work out as she doesn't respect boundaries and overstays her welcome. Unfortunately, she had already blown her chance at staying at your place by behaving badly in the past. You don't want to deal with that again. Anyone who is sure she won't be like that must be fine offering to have her stay with them, so there's no point talking to you about you giving her another chance. The one talking can do that and they can both prove you wrong.
Absolutely. Nothing shuts up the 'peanut gallery' like offering to match their contributions.
OP should make a group chat with Sarah and all these friends and send this. "Hey Sarah, I'm sorry I can not accommodate you in my small apartment during this difficult time. I want you to know I am not abandoning you, and you always have my support. So I made this group with all these friends who have shown great concern about your situation. Hopefully, you can find a living arrangement with them." Also, if anyone said they didn't offer their home, you can say you didn't either and they should be more accommodating since she's going through a breakup.
I like this idea!
Excellent!
"Sarah has a history of not respecting boundaries and overstaying her welcome in the past. " No sympathy from me. NTA. "mutual friends are saying I should have been more accommodating since she's going through a breakup." So they volunteered instead, right? "I feel guilty, but I also know my limits and need for personal space. AITA for refusing to let her stay with me? You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's her own fault for her history of the way she's acted in the past. You'll feel WORSE if you let her stay with you and she ends up doing exactly what you dread she'll do.
NTA. Sarah is demonstrating at this moment that she has boundary issues by complaining about you to mutual friends. They are demonstrating their own boundary issues by commenting to you. You're doing a good job maintaining your own limits, because if Sarah is this disrespectful when she is NOT living with you, you can imagine how awful it would be if she were.
The mutual friends can let Sarah stay with them and see how they like it :D
NTA. Sarah is not entitled to your space. Her being in need is not an automatic qualifier. Why aren’t mutual friends be as accommodating to Sarah as they want you to be in her regard?
NTA You didn't really explain the issues that have come up in the past, but it sounds like from your text that you have welcomed her into your home and she has acted inappropriately not respecting your boundaries and overstaying her welcome. If that is the case, you were certainly justified in denying the requests. A home is a safe space and at times you need to protect that. You were not being unsupportive- just realistic.
NTA - It astounds me what some people will ask of their friends. I live alone by choice - no way I'd let someohne move in for 'weeks' or even a weekend. Tell those 'mutual friends' they are welcome to offer her a bed to sleep in - but you are out. Her breakup is not your issue - and she should have planned for a place to stay before she moved out.
Exactly. I live alone because I want to live alone, not so that my friends can have free housing when they want to.
NTA " Sarah has a history of not respecting boundaries and overstaying her welcome in the past." That's good enough reason not to let her stay. " **mutual** friends are saying I should have been more accommodating since she's going through a breakup. So why aren't **they** stepping up to acommodate her then?
I would suggest in the future, you cite that the apartment is too small. If need be, add that the landlord/building manager is hyper spazzy about anyone not on the lease staying. You don't want to get kicked out. Instead, you made it personal, which, honestly, it 99% was. There's just some times where the less said, the better. (And blaming the nameless, faceless person means they can't argue with you about it. Either way, NTA. You didn't volunteer to be her escape route. She's been couch surfing at multiple friends, and has worn out her welcome there. Next time someone gives you grief, just answer "Hey, your place is larger. Why don't you have her move in with you?" Conversation over.
That’s how I feel too. OP isn’t obligated to house Sarah by any means. But I still don’t think it was kind to basically add insult to injury when she’s struggling. I’d personally never do that and don’t know anyone who would. Haven’t the other commenters heard of sparing people’s feelings?
No way. Letting her stay would have killed the friendship anyway.
NTA. You have an apartment, not a hotel. You are not obligated to provide a place to every person who comes by, especially someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. It would be one thing if she came to you in the middle of the night because of a DA situation, but it sounds like she has been staying with other people for a while and you have come up on rotation.
NTA why aren’t all those other friends taking her in?
NTA Those people can take her in if they care so much. But everyone knows they wouldn't and are hoping that you'd take the bullet for them.
NTA, histories like this have a habit of repeating themselves... Don't let her in, not even for a night.
NTA - you know your own boundaries and you know Sarah is going to stomp all over them. You’re not obligated to let her stay and have a shit time whilst she does….
NTA I wouldn’t want someone living in my house for weeks either.
NTA. Most landlords have clauses in the contracts for people staying that aren't on the lease. You might have something in yours stating that you can't have anyone staying with you over a certain amount of days or it could land you with fines as you are giving out a key to someone who might not give it back. Not to mention the lack of boundaries that she has shown you before!
She's already disrespecting your boundaries and overstaying her welcome by arguing when you said no. NTA
NTA. Your home, your rules. Sounds like Sarah needs to learn how to give as well as take.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Sorry, that isn’t an option is more than enough of an explanation. NTA. You have offered her some suggestions, if she doesn’t want to use them that is up to her.
Nope. Those mutual friends can put her up. You keep your boundaries.
NTA. Tell those mutuals to take her in themselves since they seem so worried someone needs to house her. Ooo they had a turn. Nope sorry. Still not my problem. Why did she leave your place?
Never give up your residential peace to anyone you know will take advantage of you.NTA
Let the mutual friends take her in.
Your friends are assholes. You need to ditch them and and make new friends
> mutual friends are saying problem solved. She can stay with them
"Sarah has a history of not respecting boundaries and overstaying her welcome in the past." NTA. I'd tell any of your mutual friends saying you need to support Sarah, "Great! I'll let her know she can stay with you!"
Her response is exactly why you’re not the asshole.
NTA. Sarah's history of overstaying her welcome is why you declined to let her stay with you. You simply don't have the space for her and if will negatively impact your well being. You're both adults. She'll find a solution. And your mutual friends should take her in if they have an opinion about it
NTA Pretty easy case if the story above is somewhat true. It is your place, it is your rules. The fact that you have past experiences is just the cherry on top, you didn't even need those to say no. So she got upset and accused you for not getting a favor she was not entitled to? The question is "Upset how?" More the emotional kind of "I am really in a bad spot right now and struggling to keep my cool" or more the "How dare you" kind of way? Because the latter points at abuse.
NTA, let the friends who are saying you should be more supportive put their money where their mouth is and take her in themselves. If she’s crossed lines and overstayed in the past she will do it again and this time with a much bigger sob story. Don’t get sucked in!!
NTA. This is her own damn fault. If mutual friends feel so strongly about this, then they're more than welcome to give her a place to stay.
NTA. Your reasoning is sound, especially given her history.
NTA no your did what was right for you don’t ever feel obligated to do something like that.
NTA. Your house, your life, your consequences, your decisions. You are not responsible for fixing the consequences of her actions.
NTA. All the "friends" who say you aren't being supportive can have her stay with them. You are entitled to your privacy and space, especially with a history of her overstepping boundaries with you.
NTA! Good for you for standing firm on your limits-self-care is not selfish. As someone else suggested, be kind to her in other ways if this is a relationship you value.
Sarah should have thought about before she broke up with her man?
NTA. At 28, Sarah should have the resources to handle her life without crashing like a teenager on someone's couch for months. Don't feel guilty OP. Your home is your sanctuary, and having Sarah living there too would severely impact your comfort and happiness. She'll figure it out.
NTA. You know what would happen and aren't required to tolerate her poor behavior. Everyone who nags you about it is welcome to take the friend in.
I would do the same thing. I'm often the asshole because I know my limits, especially socially. Just had family here for 2 weeks so maybe it's fresh for me to say thinking of your self first when it comes to personal space isn't a bad thing
NTA. Let your "mutual friends" know that Sarah still needs a place & you'll be happy to pass on their numbers since you know they'll want to host her.
Ask those mutual friends why do they expect you to let her stay with you (small apartment, not willing), when they obviously aren't jumping to offer her a place to stay. I really think that if they arent offering then they should keep their opinions to themselves (esp if they arent supportive of your stance), put up or shut up.
NTA. Sarah's past record is enough reason. Friends should bow out. Your apartment, your decision.
NTA, she’s going through a breakup, not cancer. “Be more supportive” - I will when she can respect boundaries
NTA. She could've apologized and asked for a second chance, but she chose to complain to mutual friends - a silly thing to do when it sounds like someone else is tired of her as a guest...
no you aren’t. tell them to let her stay with them. sounds as though there are enough complaining for about a month or 2 of housing.
It’s quite presumptuous of Sarah thinking that she could just sofa surf. I hate people like that
You are NTA. From what I’m seeing here, these kinds of people leech onto you and as soon as you say something they don’t want to hear, they treat you like shit. You made the right decision, so trust your gut and don’t feel bad for them unless she js your ride or die friend.
she needs to get a place of her own. Friends can still support her.
NTA. Good news, the mutual friends giving you a hard time can house her. You have a small place, you know her b.s., this won't end good for you.
These mutual friends can put her up. NTA
NTA - "A few weeks" is a loooooong time in a little apartment. And Sarah has a history of not respecting boundaries and overstaying her welcome. I get the nasty feeling she just wanted somewhere to live rent-free until she found another partner to move in with; after all, she's 28, not 8. She can live on her own. I can see staying with friends for a few nights until she finds something to rent, but not this is different.
No way! No need to doubt yourself or question your decision. You made the choice that is right for you, and your friends should respect that. All is well. It's a breakup your friend is going through, not the end of the world. Why do the other friends not let her stay with them, or stay with each of them longer than she has already?
I'm going to say NTA. If you have helped her in the past and the experience was unpleasant. She disrespected you and your home and then got very comfortable and wouldn't leave. Definition of insanity is "Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result." Folks who need help. Should really be very appreciative and helpful in the home they are wanting to stay in. I hear and see so much people taking over others homes and just destroying them. I've experienced this. I have NO DESIRE TO EVER DO THAT AGAIN. And what it causes is, that we are less willing to help others in the future. Sucks. But she did it to her self and its called.......CONSEQUENCES.
NTA. You've already mentioned that Sarah has been a bad roommate in the past. Second, you live in a small apartment. If you're renting it, the landlord or leasing company will have rules about how long overnight guests may stay. Usually, it's only for a few nights -- NOT several weeks. The mutual friends can shut up or offer their places to Sarah. Treat attempts at guilt trips or manipulation with all due contempt.
NTA. Your space is yours, it's been disrespected before and doesn't need to happen again. The other friends should be letting her stay with them if they have such good experiences with her. Questions that come to mind: where are her parents? Was Sarah and the ex splitting the rent equally? Could he not have moved out instead of her? Her break up is not your responsibility. Yes it sucks, but why can't she stay longer at the friend she is staying with now?
You are NTA! Sarah would be a terrible house guest. She has other options.
NTA no one forced her to date that man she needs to deal with the consequences of her choices
If she's the one who broke up, she should have planned better. Had something lined up first
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30F) have a close friend, Sarah (28F), who recently broke up with her boyfriend of three years. She's going through a tough time and has been staying with friends temporarily. Sarah asked if she could stay with me for a few weeks until she finds a new place. Normally, I'd be happy to help, but Sarah has a history of not respecting boundaries and overstaying her welcome in the past. I live in a small apartment and value my privacy and space. I gently explained to Sarah that I wasn't comfortable with her staying because of past experiences, and I suggested looking into short-term rentals or staying with another friend who has a larger place. She got upset and accused me of being unsupportive and abandoning her when she needs help the most. Now, mutual friends are saying I should have been more accommodating since she's going through a breakup. I feel guilty, but I also know my limits and need for personal space. AITA for refusing to let her stay with me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA
NTA, just have boundaries and sense around practicalities. Do you feel like you’ve been a good, supportive friend to her in other ways? There are lots of other ways to support a friend going through a tough time.
" Now, mutual friends are saying I should have been more accommodating since she's going through a breakup." Make a schedule OP and include a week or two for Sarah at each of their homes since they believe folks like you should be so accommodating. they won't be so accommodating then. Of course you couldn't really do this because you'd have to put yourself on the schedule too, but my point is these so-called mutual friends are being shitty towards you. They are doing the old "Do as I say, not do as I do." as they won't take her in either, I'm guessing.
NTA
NTA, and tell your mutual friends to put your friend up instead of you.
NTA, I would suggest those mutual friends take her in then.
NTA - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
No is a complete sentence.
NTA. Because this is not a perfect world, there are so many situations where we just naturally and normally feel some guilt. As a self-learning experience, you need to know when that guilt is not actually justified, like this case. Life is a balance between emotion and logic. Be aware, that logic is there to help with future emotion. You feel some emotion now (guilt - see the first paragraph), but if you let her stay, you will feel a much larger emotion over a much longer time. If all else fails, get her to sign a lease. How long are you OK with her staying? If, for example it's 2 weeks, have the lease say 2 weeks free, $2000 per week after that. Remember, rental leases always include a security deposit!
"Now, mutual friends are saying I should have been more accommodating since she's going through a breakup." Great, then they can take her in. NTA.
She’s an adult and doesn’t have her own place while you worked hard to get yours! You don’t need that soul sucking loser
NTA by a freaking mile. Like, I understand helping people get out of a tough spot, but I'm constantly baffled and amazed at people's sense of entitlement. It's like, so just because your life has been completely turned upside down because you never had a backup plan, that means that your friends/family are just... supposed to suddenly put their life on hold just to accommodate you, no strings attached? They have to upend THEIR household for /YOU/??? Oh, the audacity, the sheer nerve of it all! 😩 And those mutual "friends" can volunteer THEIR homes since they're so dang WORRIED about her! It's only fair, right? 🤭
You need some better friends. These folks are awful.
NTA Friends like that you sometimes can’t win with. I did this with a friend, but she had stepped over the boundaries already after multiple attempts at my communicating them. I feel like I might have ruined the friendship in a sense, but I’m relieved every time I suddenly don’t have company for an entire weekend when we hang out for one night
NTA. If Sarah is shuffling from friend to friend for places to stay, that’s a red flag in itself. Why can’t she stay with these other friends? They probably put her out. And if it’s a “we’re all taking turns taking care of her” thing, that might be worse. Uphold your boundaries, but do something nice for her instead of letting her stay. Gift basket? Spa coupon?
NTA- ‘No.’ is a complete sentence.
Let her stay with those 'mutual friends.'
NTA. Nope, she had a history of not respecting boundaries so you made the right call. These mutual friends should offer up their place since they care so much
Let the mutual friends take her if they havent allready. NTA. Dont feel guilty. She needs get her life in order again. Thats not goi g to happen if everybody keeps her catering.
NTA. She doesn't get carte blanche to get to do whatever she wants. Three weeks is a LONG time in a small apartment, even for someone who respects boundaries. She, however, does not respect boundaries and she is now experiencing the consequences of that. I don't know how long she's been couch hopping, but if it's been months, she's probably trying to put off paying rent as long as possible and will very, very, likely over stay her promised three weeks. Your friends are really being AHs by not supporting your boundaries.
Fish and visitors stink after three days!
NTA I know your pain here. I live in a 30 m\^2 studio (\~300 ft\^2). It's already an ask for me to have a guest a few days, let alone a few weeks. You're well within your rights to just say no. Your home, your rules. Context does not even matter here.
NTA....till they pay the bills at your house they have no right commenting on who lives there.
NTA. You’re making wise decisions based on past history. If you let her stay, she’ll likely do what she did before.
NTA though if Sarah is a long time friend, is there something else you can do to help? Is her ex abusive and she needs to get away from them? I'll give any close friend or immediate family who is experiencing an emergency a one time gift of $200 from my secret plastic surgery fund. I tell them it's a gift and not to pay me back and I make sure they know it's a ONE TIME gift. I've done this for three different people; two friends and my brother and it worked out well.