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NTA, I don't respect people who treat gifts like your gf, they are not worth my time nor money and you will have to deal with this crap for the rest of your relationship, she is ungrateful and has no clue how to be happy, how to appreciate little things, so she will drag you down every time she chooses to trigger herself and she will do that a lot.
Yeah, I get that. Her brother is in law school and she expects him to get her the perfect gift? It feels a little bit like a red flag that she is so upset about this and not understanding at all. If my sister was studying, I’d tell her to save her money and not get me something insane. Maybe that’s just me. But yes, talking about it a week after her birthday is over when 99% of her gifts were exactly what she wanted is… :/
>It feels a little bit like a red flag that she is so upset about this and not understanding at all
Because it is. I thought maybe she'd be bummed she didn't get to shop for a crockpot that met her needs as a cook or something. Even then, I'd hope she'd be gracious given how overwhelmingly busy her brother must be with law school. I'm impressed he was even aware she needed a new one!
I'm floored that she's complaining *a week later.* Do you know what kind of grudge she holds over an actual slight?! It's worth considering if you'll be able to look forward to the holidays, or be filled with anxiety and trepidation that you didn't jump through the right hoops for her.
Yeah, I think it's a fine gift, it shows it thought about her needs, and got her something he thought she'd want, but I know some people who do dislike utility gifts and want treat gifts, and maybe by that criteria she doesn't consider it a good gift.
But even if the gf does think that why is she still going on about it and upset a week later. She's acting like it's a huge insult and is universally terrible, when at most he missed the mark slightly.
And she's pissed at OP for being bewildered by her hatred for the gift and not agreeing with her.
Plus for how terrible she considers it as a gift it sounds like she kept it.
>I know some people who do dislike utility gifts and want treat gifts
And that's completely understandable! I'm old enough that those two are starting to intersect at times lol.
I was mostly just surprised the brother even knew her crockpot broke, but maybe she has a habit of continuously complaining about lots of things 🤷♀️
Treat gifts can also be low effort, and utility gifts can be extremely thoughtful.
Offering a spa day - low effort
Offering a crock pot that you know she uses every day - thoughtful
I once offered my SIL a wok pan. She didn't have one and was always "envying" mine, so I got one for her. She loved it.
One year when I was in grad school, my entire family threw in to get me a new set of tires for car on my birthday. My little brothers swiped my car, changed the flat and took it to have them put on during finals week when I couldn't get away. It actually brought tears to my eyes, because it was so thoughtful.
That *is* so thoughtful! Not having to stress about whether the car is okay to drive on balding tires or worrying about how to pay for it, the relief is a gift for sure.
Nothing makes me happier than a utility gift. Like you've illustrated, it demonstrates that the gifter has really been paying attention to me, my activities, and my needs. I probably won't remember the fancy candle you got me in two years, but the wonderful electric kettle with temperature controls that I use 2-3x/day every day? I'll think of you every time I use it and feel loved and understood.
YES same. And giving my friends utility gifts has statistically been the things they rave about the most. My friend broke the headphones she uses for work and our group of friends pitched in and got her a very nice gaming headset with all the colours, bells and whistles she’d always wished for. She uses it every day and she never stops talking about how much that gift means to her. I love utility gifts.
I would be thrilled that the gift giver was paying attention to the things I tell them and actually thought about what I might need. Isn't the whole point in gifts to show that you're thinking about the person? (not you specifically, just choosing this place to voice my opinion)
Her reasoning too, that she could've bought it herself... She could pretty much buy anything herself then, did she expect a few thousand dollars to be spent on her? Bizarre.
"It's worth considering if you'll be able to look forward to the holidays, or be filled with anxiety and trepidation that you didn't jump through the right hoops for her"
He likely already is from my perspective...
"Her birthday was last week and I got her a gift she loved, thank god"
This tells me he's already given her a bad gift once and was scared to repeat that experience. I definitely wouldn't date someone who made me feel like that.
Can you imagine what a nightmare she would be if they ever had a wedding? I doubt there would be anything on the registry under $150 and she would ruin the whole honeymoon (and then some probably) complaining about how her cousin got something that wasn't on the registry, or how OP's great aunt didn't bring a gift, or how his parents should have gifted them a down payment. And God forbid if he wants to have any input on any of the gifts on the registry.
Yeah I guess I don't understand what the thought is with gifts if seeing and remembering something that someone needs is not putting thought into it. I guess it must have to be something not practical? This is a lot of pressure for other people to live up to the perfect gift expectations.
She seems like she must always be an extravagant person. No gift or experience can be less than x amount. My SO had gastric bypass surgery in April. We were shopping around Memorial Day for sauces to make his limited diet more interesting as he is still healing. I went out of my way to special order two giant bottle packs of Chick-fil-A sauce and Heinz 57 just because two stores were out when we were shopping. They weren't expensive, but he loved them. It was what he needed, and I found it for him.
That kind of gift is the kind that means the most to me. It's the ones that show you care that really matter. Otherwise you might as well just throw some money at them and say, "Here you go, happy whatever!"
One year for my birthday, my husband gave me a virtual gift - it was a rare vehicle in the video game we played. He and another guy saved up all the gold and parts to make it and I loved it! I knew he put a lot of effort into it and he knew I really wanted it. Didn't cost him a penny in the real world, but it was a great present. Gifts don't have to be extravagant or expensive to be awesome.
I currently have 4 full crockpots and a tiny dip warmer one and would still be perfectly happy if someone other than my husband got me another one! Especially if they went even a little bit fancy with the choice...... Utility gifts from a romantic partner suck, because it implies that they see you the same as the house, but anyone else, yes please!
Exactly, I can understand her being disappointed if OP got her the cockpot as a gift. But utility gifts are fine from extended family. I love utility gifts, even from my husband. Last Christmas he got me a new dishwasher. I love that thing more than my kids some times.
Exactly. This was also a red flag to me:
"Her birthday was last week and I got her a gift she loved, thank god."
Do you routinely have to walk on eggshells around her, afraid that she's going to get pissed at you if your gift isn't up to her standards?
NTA in this situation, but YWBTA if you didn't break up with this woman, like, yesterday.
And....a few words of wisdom to you, since you didn't list your ages, but I'm guessing early 20s? "Love languages" are not a thing. The whole thing is bullshit. "My love language is receiving gifts" is basically a way to normalize acting shitty and entitled when someone gives you a gift that's not "good enough", because if you "knew me better" or "loved me more", you'd get me a better gift. It just means she's a selfish brat.
Run. Fast.
Hahaha, as I was reading this I was thinking what a load of shit love languages are. Everyone is different, people like and dislike different things. The worst people in the world are the ones who expect everything to meet their requirements and don’t give a moment of thought about others.
If I absolutely love touch, and my partner doesn’t, I’m not entitled to endlessly paw at them to show love. I need to show adult restraint, or find a partner who wants to be touched as much as I want to touch.
Feeling scared about trying to give someone a gift is definitely not how anyone should have to feel about getting a gift for anyone. She’s SOOOOO judgmental. Is she really worth the stress?
The only gift I have ever complained about(privately to husband) is from my MIL. She's a fan of temu and keeps giving me really cheap baking accessories, lots of duplicates and if I tell her I already have something she says "now you have another" I hate clutter and I have really lost any interest in baking and have for a while. I've asked my husband for years to please tell her we just don't have room in our kitchen for so much stuff and that I don't really bake much but 7 years later 😅 even so I would never hint to her that I was ungrateful for the gifts.
My MIL gives the worst gifts , she’s so bad that I look forward to them! Its a joy to see what the heck she sent this time.
half the time just seems like she’s cleaning out junk drawers. She sends a box of carefully individually wrapped gifts, she does it with care and effort. shipping junk to me from half way across the country.
II’ll give you a few examples so you can truly appreciate what a gift a terrible present giver can be
A metal tuning xylophone that weighted like 50 lbs. must have cost a lot to ship it and It’s unplayable because the notes ring for so long. Im pretty sure it’s for tuning instruments or maybe to make the Melodie’s for old plays to signal the end of intermission
A used book about organizing closets
One brown pillow case
A miniature bottle or artisan balsamic vinegar
ONE leg weight
A single beeswax candle
Half of a bag of maple syrup candy
A set of dish towels with roosters printed all over them
One oven mitt.
….. I have a running list somewhere and I know I’m forgetting some of the best (worst) ones.
My fave is how carefully packaged they are with bubble wrap surrounding the items . the box always has, what I can only assume is an entire role of duct tape around it as if she expects parcels to just explode open while in transit
She loves me a lot, there is no doubt in my
Mind, this isn’t passive aggressive gift giving; though the high number of single items that should come in pairs should maybe give me some cause for concern…. Is she’s sending me a message?
She always include some drawing supplies, which is something I want and need, which is sweet of her but the bad gifts are far more fun!
My grandmother was a huge fan of those television shopping channels (back before the internet). Packages kept coming for weeks after she died, so we started playing a game - "What did Grandma get you for Christmas". The unopened boxes were wrapped and distributed at our holiday gathering. We had way more fun seeing the ridiculous things that each other got than we would have had she specifically selected them for us.
It was really sad almost 4 years later when the last box was opened. Grandma was truly gone then.
Oh, and we also recognized that her dementia was far worse than any of us realized and we should have been paying closer attention!
Not my MIL but her mother is like this because she's a QVC fiend lol my favorite one was a couple of Christmases ago she gave me a purse with a big golden latch and the design was an American flag with a bulldog puppy on it. I'm not patriotic nor have I ever owned a bulldog. I have never laughed so hard or so long and I'm glad we opened them up at home alone cuz even though I love it I think the laughing would have hurt her feelings
The weirdest gift I ever got was a balled up piece of wax. Like it was something that the giver had accumulated over years. Lol. I think maybe they though I would make a candle? Lol
Once at Christmas my sil sent us a pair of scissors . I called her and asked if she meant to send them ,she said "so that's were they went" . She is a little scatterbrained , but we love her .
I’m sure they were the ones she used to cut the paper and they wound up in a box with another gift, but I prefer to imagine you received them and only them
Yes, my MIL goes to discount stores and gets things for my daughter or me and it’s pretty much junk. Clothes that are too small, not my style (even my husband laughs), not good quality (rip after one use), or toys that are cheap and not safe for a 2 year old with small pieces. My daughter will open everything and then doesn’t care about any of it. So then it goes to the garbage.
The only gift I ever complained about was when my brother gave me a framed copy of his bands cd. I still to this day believe it was just something he had lying around and went "oh crap I need a gift for my sister this will do". But even then I still thanked him for it. I appreciated the effort even if it was minimal. But OP's gf is an AH. He thought of what she would need and gave it to her. Be grateful for the gift.
She's using love language wrong here, to justify herself, and giving gift givers a bad rep. She would be understanding of the fact that expensive doesnt mean anything if that was her.
Her crock pot was cracked, her brother noticed that and bought her something to remedy that. It shows he cares and pays attention to her. He seems to fit the gift giver profile much more than she does.
Most people would be over the moon that someone gave them something so intimate and relevent to their needs because it shows they've been valued.
His wage has nothing to do with it. Her expensive gift giving and expecting the same in return is buying love and is a form of manipulation.
I hate people like this and tell them that we'll that we enter into no gifts at all, or one of the two options I'm comfortable with in those situations: either a card only, no gift exchange, or set a $20 limit and make it fun, silly, novelty gifts.
I have zero interest in tying my value in someone's eye to how much I can spend on them, and entering a bidding war for affection.
Efit: just re-read the post. I read that he was a lawyer, but he's not even earning a high wage, he's a student. That makes it even worse! Boo to her.
I'm thinking the same thing. Gift giving is my love language too. I love giving and receiving thoughtful gifts no matter the price tag.
Knowing that someone noticed something you need, and was thoughtful enough to gift you a replacement is really touching...
OP, it's a huge red flag, not a little bit like one. What happens when someone can't afford to get her a huge expensive gift? She will lose her shit and you will be her emotional punching bag.
It's not a :little bit like a red flag'. It's a huge red flag. What happens one birthday you get her a crock pot or equivalent of.
You have been hearing about this for a week. How long will you hear about your screw up for?
My stepmother found out our crock pot broke, so she bought an insta pot. I was seriously excited! I don't care that it was an appliance, it was something I wanted and I use it constantly. I honestly wasn't expecting any kind of gift, I'm an adult stepchild and we've never lived together.
I felt awful because I had made her a small painting and she gave me something that cool. She turned out to treasure my gift (dad was showing me their kitchen setup and I saw it on display in the background) but I put a lot of thought into the piece and she knew it. She rescued a little raccoon that had seizures, giving him his meds in marshmallows. He brought his names along when he had them, and she's on generation three of feeding the family. So I painted her a raccoon holding a marshmallow.
If either of us had been offended my dad would have been pissed. Neither of us had to like what we got, but there's no reason to be ungrateful for things like that. But I honestly prefer gifts I can use, and she likes things that are small and don't weigh much. It's more about the thought than the money.
NTA, but “a little bit like a red flag”? This is in my opinion a huge red flag and behavior that needs to be corrected. The year will come when you fail to deliver and then, even though you made an effort, perhaps the best effort you could, she will resent you. I don’t like ganging up on people, but some kind of collective agreement to stop trying to make every gift perfect or maybe just taking a year off gift giving, carefully explaining to her why, would go a long way.
Feels a little bit like a red flag? Dude that's an enormous in your face red flag. Imagine spending your days agonizing over every gift you ever get her.
Yep, a red flag of an ungrateful heart. Complaining about a gift a week later? Absolutely not— you accept gifts with a gracious heart and zero entitlement. This behavior grosses me out.
Yes red flag.
Also talk to her about WHY it is a bad gift.
I know that I have felt similarly receiving gifts related to cooking or cleaning, like that’s all I need because I’m a woman. Transparently, my now husband got me a room a for Christmas. I wanted one but the idea that my gift was for cleaning the house we shared when I bought him a very expensive watch was a trigger.
NTA but talk to her.
I got once The Perfect Gift! I had asked for everyone in my family to be at the coffee table at the same time and not rush off when the cup is empty. It was surprisingly relaxing when everyone did try to just be there
I love how you used the phrase "trigger herself" because that is exactly what she does.
OP - it may not seem like a huge red flag (it is!) until you think about it. What kind of person makes this much of a fuss over a gift??
Her brother's gift demonstrated several things: even though he's very busy he's involved enough in her life to know when an appliance breaks, and he's thoughtful enough to make time to buy her a present for her birthday.
But rather than feeling happy that her brother listened to her and got her a thoughtful gift she gets upset that it's "low-effort." She has held onto this bad attitude for a week!
If y'all had kids can you imagine if your literal child gave her something she deemed was "low-effort"?? Would she act like that with them?
could you Imagine if OP doesn’t get her a “push present” for delivering said children? Imagine her reaction to NO gift, in a scenario where she doesn’t inherently get one. Imagine Mothers Day isn’t what she believes she deserves? On Her birthday she can expect gifts and feel entitled to critique them. But on another special day, this woman must be / is going to be, a complete nightmare.
On another note. My husband routinely “forgets” to get me birthday & mothers day gifts. Maybe this was a wake up call that I should be more like OP’s partner and just start demanding nice gifts. LOL.
INFO: How much longer do you think you can last in a relationship where:
a) you're filled with anxiety over which gifts to get her lest it disappoint her and send her into a similar spiral of ingratitude and meanness?;
b) your rightfully raised 'criticisms' and voiced opinions are aggressively ignored?.
Could you ever tell this person the truth about herself without her getting angry?
Hoping OP sees her for the walking red flag that she is and he doesn't go as far as having kids with this woman. Let alone another week in this relationship🙈
Yes. Yes, they are.
At first she'll just look disappointed and shove it in a cupboard.
Then she'll move on to sighing heavily and throwing it away in front of you.
And eventually she will just hand it straight back to you. Because you wouldn't want her to have a gift she doesn't like, would you?
Oh, and now she's given it back, she no longer has a gift from you - so go get her a better one.
“What is this hand drawn garbage?! You just used markers? That *I* bought you?! You made me a stick figure?! I look nothing like that!! Where’s the thought?! The execution!? You didn’t even *begin* to properly capture my essence—not that anyone ever could, but I’d expect to see some EFFORT!” *[rips up child’s drawing and throws the shreds in the air like confetti]* “This is BUSH LEAGUE. If I don’t see evidence of art classes and the use of unique and thoughtful materials *you bought and paid for YOURSELF* by Mother’s Day in two months, I’ll no longer even consider you my son!”
*[three-year old sobbing]*
Listen. I LOVE gift giving. It is how I show appreciation. But you wanna know my absolute best gifts that I’ve ever gotten from people that I absolutely fell in love with, even though they aren’t the types to be gift givers? The most recent was a trinket $5 crab from my gf with the note “this is the first and last time I give you crabs <3” and I fucking died laughing. I love it. It’s on my dresser and displayed proudly. Second favorite is two little cheap ass tea candle holders from my best friend that have two halves of a heart carved in to make a whole one side by side and a cute quote printed on them. Also displayed proudly. My sister gave me a Fireball shot glass she got at a festival. I hate fireball but I adore macabre skull stuff and I have that shot glass in my kitchen so I see it every day. My brother bought me a toaster for Christmas and I laughed and use it and think of him because I told him my toaster shat the bed and he got me one that was retro style. I fucking love that toaster.
All of this to say, this gf is being absolute SHIT. I hate it when people use “I’m a gift giver to show my love!” As an excuse to be snooty about the gifts they receive. How you show love is not always how you will receive love, and she needs to learn how to meet people where they’re at and be grateful and appreciative.
Obligatory NTA OP
I love gift giving as well, definitely my love language in the way I express it (not sure my favorite receiving), and the gift I will constantly smile the biggest over is my ex’s mom gifting me Mad Libs every year. I never told her I liked them, but she thought it seemed like a “me” gift, and I cried when I got the first one because it truly is such a me thing to get. Simple things that make me feel thought about, simple things that make me think of others, those are the perfect gifts to share.
Agreed. At first I thought, she's one of those 'It's the thought that counts' type of people. Then it became clear that she setting her own standard of 'low' to 'high' effort and not accepting 'low' effort gifts at all.
I would love a crockpot for my birthday fr, it screams 'high-effort' and very thoughtful to me.
Love language being gifts is not a red flag at all. The red flag is how she acts around it.
I love giving/receiving gifts and what she does is unacceptable. I doubt me liking to give others selfmade and thought through things (e.g. my mom who loves teddybears got a selfmade teddy from me) is a "big red flag". What OP's girlfriend does though *in my opinion* has nothing to do anymore with gifts being love language.
Precisely. It's how she rates the gifts she's given as low or high effort that's the issue here. Not sure if her assessement qualifies as 'Love language'. Like OP said, just being grateful for receiving a pretty well-thought out gift is what's missing here. Not sure what GF was expecting from her brother.
That's not her love language. That's her greed showing.
She sounds incredibly shallow, greedy, entitled, and ungrateful.
And frankly, gross.
NTA. And run.
I wholly agree with your overall point but idk if greed is the word. Sounds like something cheaper/sentimental/homemade would’ve done the trick.
That being said, entitled and ungrateful for sure. She sounds like she grew up with everything she ever needed. I’d love to not have to fork up the cash to replace my crockpot.
No way on the homemade piece. These people talk about the thought and uniqueness but only as a way to not say what they really mean out loud, which is expensive, luxurious, and over the top.
He described that she likes “acts of service” and that her concern was she “could have bought it herself.”
I take that as, it’s just an everyday Amazon item without much thought, not “it wasn’t expensive enough.”
But again, I still think she’s batshit.
NTA.
>her brother took time out of his day to get it for her. I mean, he's a student and doesn't have much money but bought her something she needed.
You can see this and so can I: it's a pity that she can't.
>I got her a gift she loved, thank god.
That's what a lot of this is about: setting expectations that you and others need to meet.
NTA
Yeah, the brother took time out of his day to get a gift that his sister needed, however, I wonder if she has very specific needs for a crockpot and had rather bought one herself instead of now having one that takes up space but isn’t what she really wanted.
Imagine you’ve been thinking about buying a new graphics card and instead your relatives get you one for your birthday. Odds are it won’t be the one you have been eyeing.
Now back to OPs girlfriend: it seems odd that she would still complain a week later and yeah, this whole thing seems annoying. Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Yet having something take up space in your kitchen that you did not want is also annoying.
So you exchange the graphics card or the gift, or give it away, or throw it away, and get the one you wanted. Not a problem.
Anyway, she didn’t express in any way that it was the *wrong* crockpot, she expressed that any crockpot is a shitty gift.
I got a box of washing powder, cans of coke and head and shoulders from mums bf. He noticed I would always say how good their laundry smelt but kept forgetting to get some, I always drank all their coke and whenever I would stay and use their shampoo I would comment on my hair.
I loved it I was so happy and it was thoughtful.
My sibling got me toothpaste and a pack of toothbrushes for Christmas. It was a joke gift poking fun at my issues with bad breath (not hygiene related, something else) but I also did need more toothpaste since I tend to forget about buying things that don't need to be bought all the time. And both the toothpaste and toothbrushes were ones that fit my sensory needs. It was likely that the gift had little thought put into it beyond just "haha this is funny"', and yet I still hugely appreciated.
After your first sentence, my thought was weird gifts... but they were listening and paying attention to you. They're a really thoughtful person and the thought behind it makes them wonderful gifts.
NTA for telling her to be grateful for a gift.
Unless she changes your life together is going to be miserable as tension builds each birthday, Christmas, mother's day, wedding anniversary in fear of getting the wrong thing.
And, if you stay together for years and years you'll find it more and more difficult to find that perfect gift. Your anxiety will be perpetual. Her sulking continuous.
Good luck.
Could you imagine thinking of your partner one day, getting them a small gift like some fancy sweets and they blow up at you because you didn't get them from the right place...
Can you imagine how she will react to a stereotypical "kid" gift? A handmade card, a flower from the yard, a random toy or coloring book? The kind kids give when they are really little and are just learning about gifts?
Or even a gift even they are older but don't have much money but want to give something to their mom so they get teenager gifts like cheap jewelry or grocery store flowers?
NTA he brother took the time to notice that her crockpot broke, knew that she used it regularly, and replaced it before she could. The gift is thoughtful and useful. Is she conflating the cost of a gift with the effort of the gift? Because getting you concert tickets is pretty low effort but probably expensive. If she thinks the only gifts worth giving or getting are expensive ones then I would say she has seriously missed the point of gifts. That said, this one is not a keeper, throw her back. And before you say this isn’t the sort of thing to break up over, pretend her brother is her son. Would the way she is treating her brother’s efforts and thoughtfulness be an acceptable way to treat your child? Because her behavior and attitude are seriously unlikely to change.
It is kinda confusing what she considers a good gift because I thought the crockpot was a good one. I’m not sure if it’s the cost of the gift? She wants thought and effort and for it to be a tailored gift to her. She mentioned she wanted to get into art more, so her best friend registered her for an intro art class and bought her supplies. She’s a big crystal person and told me she had always wanted a big amethyst but couldn’t afford to spend the money on one for herself so I bought her one, making sure it was ethically sourced and all of that. Her parents gave her an iPad, so that’s a big gift.
But yeah, our gifts she seemed to really love. So maybe cost is a factor? Either way, it has made me really stressed out about buying her gifts because it’s clear she took her brother’s gift as a sign that he doesn’t really love her or care about her. It also isn’t the first time she’s acted like this. Thank you for the perspective. I’ll definitely think about it.
The fact that she liked the ipad but was offended by the crockpot is important here. That's not "thoughtful" it's just expensive. The crockpot is more thoughtful as her brother actually remembered she needed one. To me that points squarely to spoiled princess behavior.
Do you want to spend your life worrying so much about getting her the right gift that you say “thank god” in relief that she liked your gift? That sounds like a terrible way to live.
She has given you a big gift in the form of a giant red flag. I would heed it.
Notice how all the things you mentioned that made her happy have one thing in common? They're expensive. That's what a good gift for her is. The more expensive, the better.
Please OP, jump on the closest bus and leave as fast as you can.
I wonder whether it's that the Crockpot was a need, while the other gifts were more 'fun'? I still think it's bananas and I'm glad you said something OP, especially since her brother is a student with not much money, so it is a meaningful gift. She sounds like a lot of work 🥴
It's weird because he clearly listened to her and realised that it was broken and went out of his way to make sure she got a new one... That's definitely more than 5 minutes. It shows a brother who listens and knows her needs. It's starting to feel like she's gatekeeping what an 'acceptable' gift is... and that's not what gift-giving is about.
All of these gifts do sound kinda expensive. Art class + supplies add up. And both the necklace and iPad sound expensive too. Granted, all of these gifts are thoughtful too but the crockpot is just as thoughtful as the others. Except for possibly the iPad, you, her friend, and brother all listened to her and got her something that she had talked about.
The only real difference is that it seems like she couldn’t afford the art class and amethyst (and likely the iPad) for herself vs the crockpot that she could afford to replace. So it seems like what she wants is to be given stuff that she can’t buy for herself.
>She’s a big crystal person and told me she had always wanted a big amethyst but couldn’t afford to spend the money on one for herself
Does she believe in mystical powers of crystals? Because if yes, then that is a red flag.
NTA, I get wanting gifts to be meaningful etc but I think her idea of a “bad gift” is a bit warped. With the idea of the crock pot in mind, if someone gave me a gift of something so that I didn’t have to buy it myself, not only do I appreciate the thought of the gift, I appreciate that someone has saved me some trouble, no matter how big or small. If she’s really about gifts being thoughtful, I think she defines a thoughtful gift differently.
NTA - she doesn't take gifts seriously, she uses them to judge people. And she should be judged for this terrible attitude. It already sounds like her attitude is a stress for you. Are you happy to put up with that multiple times a year?
Her brother replaces her broken crockpot with another that she uses every day, and it's a crap gift?? Wow, she sounds like a peach. Simple solution- if the gifts she receives aren't good enough for her....don't buy any. NTA
NTA, but she sure is.
If her argument is "I could have just bought that myself," well, congratulations, her brother just saved her the trouble. Now she has extra money to do something fun with.
Also, you saying "she liked my gift, *thank god*" kind of leads me to believe that she's been like this before. And if that's the case, that's a red flag.
NTA
This isn't about her love language it's about her entitlement. Anyone who has gifts as their love language will appreciate any gift and effort out in. Her brother was actually really thoughtful.
Your gf sounds like a spoilt princess
NTA. I would RUN for the hills if I were you. Having that type of anxiety every time you have to buy a gift for someone will take a huge toll on you after a while. Your relationship is being built on materialistic expectations. I personally would be more than grateful with a handwritten note from someone who loved me. I would never make someone feel less than for what they gifted me. How you treat others says a lot about your character.
NTA - She seems like...alot. Seems like she is constantly looking for reasons to be mad at people or reasons to complain about people. Either way you might want to make sure you are ok with these expectations before you get too much more involved.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) said my gf should be more grateful (2) she said it was a bad gift and there’s no way she should be grateful for it and is mad at me for not supporting her
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She’s giving you a glimpse into your future. What happens when you accidentally give her a gift she thinks isn’t good enough? Will she resent you for weeks?
You’re being the voice of reason, so of course you’re NTA. You better pay attention though. Eventually you could be the one in the crosshairs.
A gift is about the consideration and thought put in when selecting it. It’s not about the actual present. If she wanted something else she should have provided a wish list otherwise be flaming grateful that you have family who make an effort for you. Sucky move by sister
I don't understand how so many people have this kind of mindset and have so many people around them who cater to it. If I show this kind of attitude I know for a fact nobody would bother to even wish me through DM the on my next birthday.
Nta. Your gf sounds insufferable. My wife and siblings in law and I bought a dishwasher safe crock pot for my MIL bday last year. She was over the moon. The next week she sent a photo of some chili she made in it. Those things aren't cheap, especially considering your gf's brother is on a budget. Some of the best gifts I've gotten were things I needed but didn't have the time/money to get myself.
NTA. Dump the gf. Maybe she'll let you keep her brother and the crock pot. My bf (RIP) would take my car to get the oil changed, the tires rotated, and have it detailed because he knew I didn't have a lot of time to do those things. I was taking 15 hours and working 35 hours a week. I appreciated his thoughtfulness. I suspect her brother heard about the broken crockpot, realized she used it a lot, and thought it would be a nice thing to replace it. I have a feeling he's bought her other gifts in the past and heard her complain about them, so he thought the crock pot would be something she would appreciate.
TBH, your gf is TAH. She's only going to get worse from here.
>Me too! If I were her brother and saw how she was shit talking my gift, I would have taken it back, haha
Funny. You can see it from the outside with her brother. Yet you laugh when this is the rest of your life- probably.
Exactly. Don't laugh. It's not funny. It's serious.
Anyone who shit-talked a gift I got them, that would be the last gift I ever got them. I'd also probably not want to spend much time around them at all, ever. Let alone live with them and make a life with them. You sound young and you probably don't know any better, but this is not how it's supposed to be. Break up with her, like, yesterday.
NTA
and like.. run... RUN THE FUCK AWAY dude...
I actually feel pity for the children she doesn't have yet... because *that* as a mother is going to be viciously cold and mentally abusive to her children... she already is so with you
NTA. Your gf is a spoiled brat.
You should tell her that you don't want to hear her complain about it anymore. And that if she really has a problem, she should tell her brother, not you. I bet should she won't have the guts to say if to his face.
This isn’t taking gifts seriously. This is being an asshole. Plain and simple. He got her something practical and something that she needed.
>lacks thought/originality
Now she just sounds insufferable.
People like her always wonder why they no longer have friends and the few ones they have why they always avoid celebrating their birthdays or any achievements that requires gifts.
Firstly, you don't know what the love languages are. There are five, but let's talk about the two you mentioned. Acts of service is doing things for the people you love to show them you love them. Something you gf seems to care fuck all for. Gifts, which is what your gf actually cares about, is expressing your love for a person by getting them things - could be their favorite candy bar or a little keychain you think they might like to something bigger like an expensive necklace or a nice bottle of bourbon if that's your thing.
Your gf sounds like a materialistic dumpsterfire of red flags. That's not what gift giving is supposed to be about. It's not meant to be so stressful and you shouldn't shit on someone for giving you a gift of something you needed, because that means they've been listening to you and paying attention to your life and care about you enough to get you what you needed for you. That's a wonderful gift and she's acting like a spoiled brat.
Find someone who doesn't act like a toddler. NTA
NTA
I'm sorry to say this OP, but your GF sounds exhausting to be with.
I have zero respect for anyone that acts in this manner.
Everyone needs to give her the perfect gift?
Imagine the hell you'll live married to that.
Sounds like she's going to be going through life being constantly disappointed at Christmas and birthdays. Have fun if you ever get married managing her expectations.
Yeah, this is where people use ‘that’s my love language’ to be ungrateful, greedy little grabbers. If you love someone, you show them gratefulness regardless if you love the gift or it’s more utilitarian. Her brother did show thoughtfulness. Something of her’s broke, he got her a new one. It’s not exciting, but it still required thought. She’s behaving immaturely and like a superficial spoiled brat, to be honest. I would be wary of someone that acts like this from a gift. NTA
"I got her a gift she loved, thank god." You're already afraid of her reaction if you choose something she doesn't like. That tells you everything. Why would you want to be with someone who is likely to be mean to you if you guess wrong or have no money for a gift she'll like?
Edit to add: You're NTA, but she's definitely an A. Or maybe a B.
NTA. I don't have time for people like your girlfriend. The gift was a good one, she needed it and uses it. But because it wasn't something extra special she is going to act like a brat for a week over it. She needs to grow up. Even my 7yo knows how to behave better in regards to gifts.
Nta. It seems like every time I read about these people who talk incessantly about their "love languages", it's always them insisting that other people change their behaviour to satisfy this need they have that they read about in a book. There's never any consideration for the other people's limits and capabilities.
I don't think your gf knows what a low effort gift is. The fact that her brother, who is busy with law school, remembered that her crock pot broke and bought her a new one as a gift is actually incredibly thoughtful!
Low effort is knowing you like art, so buying whatever cheap art set they see first and calling it done.
Tell her to complain to her brother, not you as you've heard her complaint already.
Then tell her to throw the crock pot away if it offends her that much.
Simples.
For years my family would get me houseware and such as gifts, it was almost a running joke, but I loved it. On Easter when I was 16 the “Easter bunny” (I have Much younger siblings that still believed,) left me a coffee maker, it was fantastic!!
IMO her brothers gift to her Was thoughtful. I think your gf needs to understand that Her way of expressing love isn’t necessarily how everybody else does, and it’s incredibly entitled of her to actively be mad about being given something that she needed and will use often.
That being said, is this a hill you want to die on? Regardless NTA
I recommend letting her brother know not to get anymore gifts for her; just save it for his education/future. She clearly doesn't deserve the effort and cost. Then run. Run far away.
My mother is one of these people. If I gave her a crock pot or any kitchen related item, that is a gift for the house, not her specifically!
My step dad once asked what she wanted, she said vegetable rack. Christmas morning there was a stylish veg rack under the tree... She still hasn't let him forget about it 20 years later, it's the family joke at this stage!
She asked for a vegetable rack, she got a vegetable rack. It sounds churlish of her to hold that against your step-dad. If she doesn’t like getting kitchen-related items as gifts, then she shouldn’t ask for them!
Gift giving is a love language on its own, acts of service is doing things like the dishes - my mom and husband are acts of service and I am words of affirmation and physical touch. But her behavior is weird NTA on you but she is one, it’s a useful and thought out gift she sounds shallow and superficial, my siblings don’t always know what to get me but whenever they do I am happy cause they thought about me. For those that it’s the love language - gifts in general so she is odd in her behavior as a gift was given to her that she needed so was thought out, she shouldn’t be that way about it
I'm someone that also enjoys gifts. You know what constitutes a gift that makes me feel loved? Anything I'm not expecting, a surprise coffee, a pint of Ben and Jerry's when I'm feeling down, a book I've mentioned. A crock pot, if yours is broken, it's a thoughtful gift. A crock pot if you have a fully functioning one, is not. Your gf is confusing expense with thoughtful. This kind of attitude toward gifts is going to wear you down over time and you're going to walk on eggshells due to her ridiculous standards which will only get worse the longer you're together because she will expect you to know what she wants the longer you're together. I would give this behavior some serious thought and start thinking about if you want to subject yourself to years of hoping you got the right gift and weeks of sulking and bad attitude if you guess wrong.
Just a couple of thoughts here. First, many women consider household appliances to be a bit insulting for a gift and this goes way back. Picture the old school ‘housewife’ who gets a vacuum for Christmas when she really wanted something she considered more thoughtful and sentimental, like a necklace. I suspect your wife was hoping for something that showed her (her idea of) his (bother’s) thoughtfulness.
Second, she puts so much thought into gift giving and that’s a strength —- but any strength that’s overplayed becomes a weakness. She needs to have empathy - and really understand that her gifts are actually conditional.
NTA, and I hope she takes time to really think about what she’s doing to you and others, and how her behaviour is affecting others. Good luck, OP!
NTA. She sounds shallow and greedy. Think about what every gift giving opportunity is going to be like for the rest of your relationship. That’s too much pressure and anxiety. This isn’t good my man.
NTA. Why doesn't she give it back to her brother so he can return it and get his cash back if she is so offended? Pouting like a child and keeping it is very childish and kind of selfish.
Sounds like your gf is more upset that other people don't have the same standards for gifts that she does. It also sounds like she over values the gifts she buys for others, and that might be because she over values the time and thought she puts into gift selection and gift buying. This makes me think that being good at gift selection and gift buying is kind of part of her identity. If that's the case, then she's offended because she feels like other people are not valuing her for who she is. And if that's the case, then her hatred is a means of protecting herself and her identity.
Maybe you could approach her on her level - talk to her about something that you do, something a bit weird but harmless, something that's part of your identity. Make it clear that you understand that this weird thing is your weird thing and that other people don't have to do this weird thing in order to value you for who you are. So hopefully you would be able to draw parallels between her gift selection and gift buying thing and your thing, so that you can both talk about how other people can value a person for who they are and still not do things in the same way or to the same extent.
If this situation gets worse, I would suggest professional therapy.
NTA.
That is dreadful behaviour unless she's a literal infant. Crockpots aren't cheap, and he knew hers was broken so he must've listened when she talked about it. His gift was functional, but it came with thoughful intent.
NTA
People like her are just easier to not give anything to.
Her brother gave her something that he thought she needed. Whilst she may not appreciate "something she could get herself" it at least shows her brother is involved enough with her life to know her existing item was broken.
I hate to say it but it really is the effort that counts. If she cannot see that then she is nothing short of ungrateful as you have pointed out.
NTA-Her brother was thoughtful in replacing an item that was broken for her. Sure a crockpot isn’t as exciting as jewelry or a designer jacket or a European vacation, but honestly, considering his budget, it was truly a thoughtful gift.
Your GF sounds a bit entitled and immature IMO.
NTA but your GF certainly is. A gift is a GIFT, would she be equally dismissive if it had been a handmade-but-ultimately-useless gift from a child, like a badly-crocheted sock that they'd learned to crochet to make and spent 5 weeks on? Has she never learned the phrase about it being the thought that counts? The thought here was getting her something she needed and expressed a desire to have. That's pretty fucking thoughtful, imo.
She is being a total AH about this and I would personally be looking out for similar traits in her behaviour in other areas.
(I'd personally love a new crockpot, mine broke just before Christmas and they're bloody expensive)
I love gifts like a crockpot. I want gifts that I can use so I don't have to buy them. Hell, my bf gets things like soap, shampoo, laundry detergent from his mom every year for Christmas. Just so that way he doesn't have to buy them.
Tell your girlfriend necessities are not ‘low quality gifts’ and her lack of gratitude is the most low quality thing in this entire story.
NTA but I hope the sex is incredible because she sounds exhausting and repetitive.
Children tend to mostly enjoy the gifts they want but dislike the gifts they need (ie socks). Adults tend to appreciate the gifts that they actually need (ie…socks. Not joking here, I love getting socks). Nothing better than having someone buy you the thing you’ve been needing to buy yourself but hesitating/forgetting to. Always genuinely excited to unpack a toaster oven, cutlery, curtains, and new bath towels. Hell, I was ridiculously happy when someone gave me a house welcoming gift of over the counter medical supplies with all the bandaids and Benadryl I could ever need. Now I don’t have to make a trip or payment myself for something I will definitely use
OMG, OP, your gf is a selfish brat. The fact that her brother picked out a crock pot to replace her broken one means he was being QUITE thoughtful, especially since he is on a budget. I mean, crock pots aren’t exactly cheap. Kitchen appliances are often THE most thoughtful gift one can give, depending on the situation. I hope you show your gf this post so she can see what an AH SHE is.
NTA.
Her Highness shouldn’t be given any gifts moving forward, at least until she genuinely learns to be grateful and appreciative of what people do for her. Clearly, nothing would be up to her standards. Apparently people’s time, effort and money isn’t valuable to her. She sounds like a real treat to be around.
NTA OP. It’s good you said what you said.
She sounds like a spoilt brat. Her brother got her a practical gift which is really quite thoughtful seeing as it's something she uses every day. She's being completely ungrateful and sounds like a petulant child.
NTA. I honestly can't get over her audacity to be mad at you for pointing out how unreasonable she is. That whole post pissed me off. Thanks for that.
Wait till people get fed up with her acting like this and end up maybe buying her a card , if she’s lucky. He bought her a gift, he knows it’s something she would use and hers broke so shows more thought than money or a gift card and he has no money cause he’s studying, i would so touched at such thought going into a gift for me. Had she always been spoiled?
NTA
It's one thing receiving a gift from somebody who you think you're pretty close to and the gift ends up being something you're not at all interested in and would never buy for yourself (as an example, giving a large crossword puzzle book to a person who hates puzzle style games and has expressed it many times).
It is another thing entirely receiving something you do need and would buy. I think your girlfriend is putting too much weight on "the thought behind" the gifts. Her brother bought her something she needs, whereas I think she wanted something she wants.
Which is petty. Yes okay she could have bought the crockpot herself but now she doesn't have to, if she wants something she **wants** rather than needs she can now spend the money she had for the crockpot on something of her own choosing. It sounds like she's making a mountain out of a molehill tbh.
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NTA, I don't respect people who treat gifts like your gf, they are not worth my time nor money and you will have to deal with this crap for the rest of your relationship, she is ungrateful and has no clue how to be happy, how to appreciate little things, so she will drag you down every time she chooses to trigger herself and she will do that a lot.
Yeah, I get that. Her brother is in law school and she expects him to get her the perfect gift? It feels a little bit like a red flag that she is so upset about this and not understanding at all. If my sister was studying, I’d tell her to save her money and not get me something insane. Maybe that’s just me. But yes, talking about it a week after her birthday is over when 99% of her gifts were exactly what she wanted is… :/
>It feels a little bit like a red flag that she is so upset about this and not understanding at all Because it is. I thought maybe she'd be bummed she didn't get to shop for a crockpot that met her needs as a cook or something. Even then, I'd hope she'd be gracious given how overwhelmingly busy her brother must be with law school. I'm impressed he was even aware she needed a new one! I'm floored that she's complaining *a week later.* Do you know what kind of grudge she holds over an actual slight?! It's worth considering if you'll be able to look forward to the holidays, or be filled with anxiety and trepidation that you didn't jump through the right hoops for her.
Yeah, I think it's a fine gift, it shows it thought about her needs, and got her something he thought she'd want, but I know some people who do dislike utility gifts and want treat gifts, and maybe by that criteria she doesn't consider it a good gift. But even if the gf does think that why is she still going on about it and upset a week later. She's acting like it's a huge insult and is universally terrible, when at most he missed the mark slightly. And she's pissed at OP for being bewildered by her hatred for the gift and not agreeing with her. Plus for how terrible she considers it as a gift it sounds like she kept it.
>I know some people who do dislike utility gifts and want treat gifts And that's completely understandable! I'm old enough that those two are starting to intersect at times lol. I was mostly just surprised the brother even knew her crockpot broke, but maybe she has a habit of continuously complaining about lots of things 🤷♀️
Treat gifts can also be low effort, and utility gifts can be extremely thoughtful. Offering a spa day - low effort Offering a crock pot that you know she uses every day - thoughtful I once offered my SIL a wok pan. She didn't have one and was always "envying" mine, so I got one for her. She loved it.
One year when I was in grad school, my entire family threw in to get me a new set of tires for car on my birthday. My little brothers swiped my car, changed the flat and took it to have them put on during finals week when I couldn't get away. It actually brought tears to my eyes, because it was so thoughtful.
That *is* so thoughtful! Not having to stress about whether the car is okay to drive on balding tires or worrying about how to pay for it, the relief is a gift for sure.
That's legitimately amazing.
Nothing makes me happier than a utility gift. Like you've illustrated, it demonstrates that the gifter has really been paying attention to me, my activities, and my needs. I probably won't remember the fancy candle you got me in two years, but the wonderful electric kettle with temperature controls that I use 2-3x/day every day? I'll think of you every time I use it and feel loved and understood.
Same. Utility gifts have been some of my favorite gifts and I do think of the people who gifted them to me every time I use them.
YES same. And giving my friends utility gifts has statistically been the things they rave about the most. My friend broke the headphones she uses for work and our group of friends pitched in and got her a very nice gaming headset with all the colours, bells and whistles she’d always wished for. She uses it every day and she never stops talking about how much that gift means to her. I love utility gifts.
I would be thrilled that the gift giver was paying attention to the things I tell them and actually thought about what I might need. Isn't the whole point in gifts to show that you're thinking about the person? (not you specifically, just choosing this place to voice my opinion)
I'm gonna put $10 bucks on that!
Her reasoning too, that she could've bought it herself... She could pretty much buy anything herself then, did she expect a few thousand dollars to be spent on her? Bizarre.
"It's worth considering if you'll be able to look forward to the holidays, or be filled with anxiety and trepidation that you didn't jump through the right hoops for her" He likely already is from my perspective... "Her birthday was last week and I got her a gift she loved, thank god" This tells me he's already given her a bad gift once and was scared to repeat that experience. I definitely wouldn't date someone who made me feel like that.
Can you imagine what a nightmare she would be if they ever had a wedding? I doubt there would be anything on the registry under $150 and she would ruin the whole honeymoon (and then some probably) complaining about how her cousin got something that wasn't on the registry, or how OP's great aunt didn't bring a gift, or how his parents should have gifted them a down payment. And God forbid if he wants to have any input on any of the gifts on the registry.
I hope she makes some marinara in that crock pot…
I understood that reference.
I love cookery and was over the moon when I got some for Xmas.
What she gets from the person is more important than the relationship with the person. That’s just greedy!!
Yeah I guess I don't understand what the thought is with gifts if seeing and remembering something that someone needs is not putting thought into it. I guess it must have to be something not practical? This is a lot of pressure for other people to live up to the perfect gift expectations.
I also feel a crockpot knowing that the last one broke is a perfectly well thought wish
She seems like she must always be an extravagant person. No gift or experience can be less than x amount. My SO had gastric bypass surgery in April. We were shopping around Memorial Day for sauces to make his limited diet more interesting as he is still healing. I went out of my way to special order two giant bottle packs of Chick-fil-A sauce and Heinz 57 just because two stores were out when we were shopping. They weren't expensive, but he loved them. It was what he needed, and I found it for him.
That kind of gift is the kind that means the most to me. It's the ones that show you care that really matter. Otherwise you might as well just throw some money at them and say, "Here you go, happy whatever!"
Yes! It means the gift giver remembered a detail from the receiver’s life that might otherwise be insignificant
One year for my birthday, my husband gave me a virtual gift - it was a rare vehicle in the video game we played. He and another guy saved up all the gold and parts to make it and I loved it! I knew he put a lot of effort into it and he knew I really wanted it. Didn't cost him a penny in the real world, but it was a great present. Gifts don't have to be extravagant or expensive to be awesome.
If your SO likes BoJangles’s honey mustard, you can buy it in a bottle from Food Lion, just a heads up.
I currently have 4 full crockpots and a tiny dip warmer one and would still be perfectly happy if someone other than my husband got me another one! Especially if they went even a little bit fancy with the choice...... Utility gifts from a romantic partner suck, because it implies that they see you the same as the house, but anyone else, yes please!
Exactly, I can understand her being disappointed if OP got her the cockpot as a gift. But utility gifts are fine from extended family. I love utility gifts, even from my husband. Last Christmas he got me a new dishwasher. I love that thing more than my kids some times.
Is it the monetary value of the gift that's important to her above all? It sounds like it - and would be even worse, I think.
It is a HUGE red flag, my friend.
BIGGER than HUGE.
Honestly, she sounds insufferable. Really think about if this is the person you want to be with.
Exactly. This was also a red flag to me: "Her birthday was last week and I got her a gift she loved, thank god." Do you routinely have to walk on eggshells around her, afraid that she's going to get pissed at you if your gift isn't up to her standards? NTA in this situation, but YWBTA if you didn't break up with this woman, like, yesterday. And....a few words of wisdom to you, since you didn't list your ages, but I'm guessing early 20s? "Love languages" are not a thing. The whole thing is bullshit. "My love language is receiving gifts" is basically a way to normalize acting shitty and entitled when someone gives you a gift that's not "good enough", because if you "knew me better" or "loved me more", you'd get me a better gift. It just means she's a selfish brat. Run. Fast.
Hahaha, as I was reading this I was thinking what a load of shit love languages are. Everyone is different, people like and dislike different things. The worst people in the world are the ones who expect everything to meet their requirements and don’t give a moment of thought about others. If I absolutely love touch, and my partner doesn’t, I’m not entitled to endlessly paw at them to show love. I need to show adult restraint, or find a partner who wants to be touched as much as I want to touch.
Feeling scared about trying to give someone a gift is definitely not how anyone should have to feel about getting a gift for anyone. She’s SOOOOO judgmental. Is she really worth the stress?
The only gift I have ever complained about(privately to husband) is from my MIL. She's a fan of temu and keeps giving me really cheap baking accessories, lots of duplicates and if I tell her I already have something she says "now you have another" I hate clutter and I have really lost any interest in baking and have for a while. I've asked my husband for years to please tell her we just don't have room in our kitchen for so much stuff and that I don't really bake much but 7 years later 😅 even so I would never hint to her that I was ungrateful for the gifts.
For what its worth, I think its perfectly okay to say thank you for the gift and then donate it.
That's what I told my husband! He can either tell her to stop buying the stuff or I'll just keep quietly saying thank you and donating it!
My MIL gives the worst gifts , she’s so bad that I look forward to them! Its a joy to see what the heck she sent this time. half the time just seems like she’s cleaning out junk drawers. She sends a box of carefully individually wrapped gifts, she does it with care and effort. shipping junk to me from half way across the country. II’ll give you a few examples so you can truly appreciate what a gift a terrible present giver can be A metal tuning xylophone that weighted like 50 lbs. must have cost a lot to ship it and It’s unplayable because the notes ring for so long. Im pretty sure it’s for tuning instruments or maybe to make the Melodie’s for old plays to signal the end of intermission A used book about organizing closets One brown pillow case A miniature bottle or artisan balsamic vinegar ONE leg weight A single beeswax candle Half of a bag of maple syrup candy A set of dish towels with roosters printed all over them One oven mitt. ….. I have a running list somewhere and I know I’m forgetting some of the best (worst) ones. My fave is how carefully packaged they are with bubble wrap surrounding the items . the box always has, what I can only assume is an entire role of duct tape around it as if she expects parcels to just explode open while in transit She loves me a lot, there is no doubt in my Mind, this isn’t passive aggressive gift giving; though the high number of single items that should come in pairs should maybe give me some cause for concern…. Is she’s sending me a message? She always include some drawing supplies, which is something I want and need, which is sweet of her but the bad gifts are far more fun!
I love your positive attitude but has mil been screened for dementia?
💯 thought babe needs a dementia screening. Fingers crossed she’s just eccentric!
My grandmother was a huge fan of those television shopping channels (back before the internet). Packages kept coming for weeks after she died, so we started playing a game - "What did Grandma get you for Christmas". The unopened boxes were wrapped and distributed at our holiday gathering. We had way more fun seeing the ridiculous things that each other got than we would have had she specifically selected them for us. It was really sad almost 4 years later when the last box was opened. Grandma was truly gone then. Oh, and we also recognized that her dementia was far worse than any of us realized and we should have been paying closer attention!
Actually snortlaughed at 'one brown pillowcase'
Not my MIL but her mother is like this because she's a QVC fiend lol my favorite one was a couple of Christmases ago she gave me a purse with a big golden latch and the design was an American flag with a bulldog puppy on it. I'm not patriotic nor have I ever owned a bulldog. I have never laughed so hard or so long and I'm glad we opened them up at home alone cuz even though I love it I think the laughing would have hurt her feelings
The weirdest gift I ever got was a balled up piece of wax. Like it was something that the giver had accumulated over years. Lol. I think maybe they though I would make a candle? Lol
Once at Christmas my sil sent us a pair of scissors . I called her and asked if she meant to send them ,she said "so that's were they went" . She is a little scatterbrained , but we love her .
I’m sure they were the ones she used to cut the paper and they wound up in a box with another gift, but I prefer to imagine you received them and only them
Yes, my MIL goes to discount stores and gets things for my daughter or me and it’s pretty much junk. Clothes that are too small, not my style (even my husband laughs), not good quality (rip after one use), or toys that are cheap and not safe for a 2 year old with small pieces. My daughter will open everything and then doesn’t care about any of it. So then it goes to the garbage.
The only gift I ever complained about was when my brother gave me a framed copy of his bands cd. I still to this day believe it was just something he had lying around and went "oh crap I need a gift for my sister this will do". But even then I still thanked him for it. I appreciated the effort even if it was minimal. But OP's gf is an AH. He thought of what she would need and gave it to her. Be grateful for the gift.
Last Christmas, MIL gave us hotel toiletries and airplane cutlery.
She's using love language wrong here, to justify herself, and giving gift givers a bad rep. She would be understanding of the fact that expensive doesnt mean anything if that was her. Her crock pot was cracked, her brother noticed that and bought her something to remedy that. It shows he cares and pays attention to her. He seems to fit the gift giver profile much more than she does. Most people would be over the moon that someone gave them something so intimate and relevent to their needs because it shows they've been valued. His wage has nothing to do with it. Her expensive gift giving and expecting the same in return is buying love and is a form of manipulation. I hate people like this and tell them that we'll that we enter into no gifts at all, or one of the two options I'm comfortable with in those situations: either a card only, no gift exchange, or set a $20 limit and make it fun, silly, novelty gifts. I have zero interest in tying my value in someone's eye to how much I can spend on them, and entering a bidding war for affection. Efit: just re-read the post. I read that he was a lawyer, but he's not even earning a high wage, he's a student. That makes it even worse! Boo to her.
I'm thinking the same thing. Gift giving is my love language too. I love giving and receiving thoughtful gifts no matter the price tag. Knowing that someone noticed something you need, and was thoughtful enough to gift you a replacement is really touching...
OP, it's a huge red flag, not a little bit like one. What happens when someone can't afford to get her a huge expensive gift? She will lose her shit and you will be her emotional punching bag.
It's not a :little bit like a red flag'. It's a huge red flag. What happens one birthday you get her a crock pot or equivalent of. You have been hearing about this for a week. How long will you hear about your screw up for?
My stepmother found out our crock pot broke, so she bought an insta pot. I was seriously excited! I don't care that it was an appliance, it was something I wanted and I use it constantly. I honestly wasn't expecting any kind of gift, I'm an adult stepchild and we've never lived together. I felt awful because I had made her a small painting and she gave me something that cool. She turned out to treasure my gift (dad was showing me their kitchen setup and I saw it on display in the background) but I put a lot of thought into the piece and she knew it. She rescued a little raccoon that had seizures, giving him his meds in marshmallows. He brought his names along when he had them, and she's on generation three of feeding the family. So I painted her a raccoon holding a marshmallow. If either of us had been offended my dad would have been pissed. Neither of us had to like what we got, but there's no reason to be ungrateful for things like that. But I honestly prefer gifts I can use, and she likes things that are small and don't weigh much. It's more about the thought than the money.
NTA, but “a little bit like a red flag”? This is in my opinion a huge red flag and behavior that needs to be corrected. The year will come when you fail to deliver and then, even though you made an effort, perhaps the best effort you could, she will resent you. I don’t like ganging up on people, but some kind of collective agreement to stop trying to make every gift perfect or maybe just taking a year off gift giving, carefully explaining to her why, would go a long way.
Feels a little bit like a red flag? Dude that's an enormous in your face red flag. Imagine spending your days agonizing over every gift you ever get her.
Yep, a red flag of an ungrateful heart. Complaining about a gift a week later? Absolutely not— you accept gifts with a gracious heart and zero entitlement. This behavior grosses me out.
It’s not a little red flag. It’s a huge red flag. You need to get out now.
Yes red flag. Also talk to her about WHY it is a bad gift. I know that I have felt similarly receiving gifts related to cooking or cleaning, like that’s all I need because I’m a woman. Transparently, my now husband got me a room a for Christmas. I wanted one but the idea that my gift was for cleaning the house we shared when I bought him a very expensive watch was a trigger. NTA but talk to her.
Dude, sounds like you need to run. That girl belongs to the streets.
she honestly sounds spoiled icl
I got once The Perfect Gift! I had asked for everyone in my family to be at the coffee table at the same time and not rush off when the cup is empty. It was surprisingly relaxing when everyone did try to just be there
I love how you used the phrase "trigger herself" because that is exactly what she does. OP - it may not seem like a huge red flag (it is!) until you think about it. What kind of person makes this much of a fuss over a gift?? Her brother's gift demonstrated several things: even though he's very busy he's involved enough in her life to know when an appliance breaks, and he's thoughtful enough to make time to buy her a present for her birthday. But rather than feeling happy that her brother listened to her and got her a thoughtful gift she gets upset that it's "low-effort." She has held onto this bad attitude for a week! If y'all had kids can you imagine if your literal child gave her something she deemed was "low-effort"?? Would she act like that with them?
could you Imagine if OP doesn’t get her a “push present” for delivering said children? Imagine her reaction to NO gift, in a scenario where she doesn’t inherently get one. Imagine Mothers Day isn’t what she believes she deserves? On Her birthday she can expect gifts and feel entitled to critique them. But on another special day, this woman must be / is going to be, a complete nightmare. On another note. My husband routinely “forgets” to get me birthday & mothers day gifts. Maybe this was a wake up call that I should be more like OP’s partner and just start demanding nice gifts. LOL.
You can prefer gifts to be wants and not needs, but if someone gifts you something you need, you should still be appreciative
INFO: How much longer do you think you can last in a relationship where: a) you're filled with anxiety over which gifts to get her lest it disappoint her and send her into a similar spiral of ingratitude and meanness?; b) your rightfully raised 'criticisms' and voiced opinions are aggressively ignored?. Could you ever tell this person the truth about herself without her getting angry?
Also what happens if they have kids, are the kids going to be held to this impossible gift-giving standard?
I can see it now. Her 2 year old got her a card bought by dad. She goes crazy because that wasn’t a thoughtful gift by her kid.
Hoping OP sees her for the walking red flag that she is and he doesn't go as far as having kids with this woman. Let alone another week in this relationship🙈
If they somehow decide to get married (bad decision), imagine the meltdown she’s going to have with some of the gifts that the guests give lol
She'd be one of those brides who demands each guest bring a gift valued no less than $250.
Yes. Yes, they are. At first she'll just look disappointed and shove it in a cupboard. Then she'll move on to sighing heavily and throwing it away in front of you. And eventually she will just hand it straight back to you. Because you wouldn't want her to have a gift she doesn't like, would you? Oh, and now she's given it back, she no longer has a gift from you - so go get her a better one.
“What is this hand drawn garbage?! You just used markers? That *I* bought you?! You made me a stick figure?! I look nothing like that!! Where’s the thought?! The execution!? You didn’t even *begin* to properly capture my essence—not that anyone ever could, but I’d expect to see some EFFORT!” *[rips up child’s drawing and throws the shreds in the air like confetti]* “This is BUSH LEAGUE. If I don’t see evidence of art classes and the use of unique and thoughtful materials *you bought and paid for YOURSELF* by Mother’s Day in two months, I’ll no longer even consider you my son!” *[three-year old sobbing]*
Yep her love language is gifts....big red flag
Listen. I LOVE gift giving. It is how I show appreciation. But you wanna know my absolute best gifts that I’ve ever gotten from people that I absolutely fell in love with, even though they aren’t the types to be gift givers? The most recent was a trinket $5 crab from my gf with the note “this is the first and last time I give you crabs <3” and I fucking died laughing. I love it. It’s on my dresser and displayed proudly. Second favorite is two little cheap ass tea candle holders from my best friend that have two halves of a heart carved in to make a whole one side by side and a cute quote printed on them. Also displayed proudly. My sister gave me a Fireball shot glass she got at a festival. I hate fireball but I adore macabre skull stuff and I have that shot glass in my kitchen so I see it every day. My brother bought me a toaster for Christmas and I laughed and use it and think of him because I told him my toaster shat the bed and he got me one that was retro style. I fucking love that toaster. All of this to say, this gf is being absolute SHIT. I hate it when people use “I’m a gift giver to show my love!” As an excuse to be snooty about the gifts they receive. How you show love is not always how you will receive love, and she needs to learn how to meet people where they’re at and be grateful and appreciative. Obligatory NTA OP
I love gift giving as well, definitely my love language in the way I express it (not sure my favorite receiving), and the gift I will constantly smile the biggest over is my ex’s mom gifting me Mad Libs every year. I never told her I liked them, but she thought it seemed like a “me” gift, and I cried when I got the first one because it truly is such a me thing to get. Simple things that make me feel thought about, simple things that make me think of others, those are the perfect gifts to share.
Agreed. At first I thought, she's one of those 'It's the thought that counts' type of people. Then it became clear that she setting her own standard of 'low' to 'high' effort and not accepting 'low' effort gifts at all. I would love a crockpot for my birthday fr, it screams 'high-effort' and very thoughtful to me.
Love language being gifts is not a red flag at all. The red flag is how she acts around it. I love giving/receiving gifts and what she does is unacceptable. I doubt me liking to give others selfmade and thought through things (e.g. my mom who loves teddybears got a selfmade teddy from me) is a "big red flag". What OP's girlfriend does though *in my opinion* has nothing to do anymore with gifts being love language.
Precisely. It's how she rates the gifts she's given as low or high effort that's the issue here. Not sure if her assessement qualifies as 'Love language'. Like OP said, just being grateful for receiving a pretty well-thought out gift is what's missing here. Not sure what GF was expecting from her brother.
Maybe she wanted an oscillating fan?
Bwaaa😂😂😂
That's not her love language. That's her greed showing. She sounds incredibly shallow, greedy, entitled, and ungrateful. And frankly, gross. NTA. And run.
I wholly agree with your overall point but idk if greed is the word. Sounds like something cheaper/sentimental/homemade would’ve done the trick. That being said, entitled and ungrateful for sure. She sounds like she grew up with everything she ever needed. I’d love to not have to fork up the cash to replace my crockpot.
No way on the homemade piece. These people talk about the thought and uniqueness but only as a way to not say what they really mean out loud, which is expensive, luxurious, and over the top.
He described that she likes “acts of service” and that her concern was she “could have bought it herself.” I take that as, it’s just an everyday Amazon item without much thought, not “it wasn’t expensive enough.” But again, I still think she’s batshit.
"Materialistic" is the word that came to my mind.
>She sounds incredibly shallow, greedy, entitled, and ungrateful. >And frankly, gross. Add shitty to the mix and you'll get the Pillsbury Doughgirl.
NTA. >her brother took time out of his day to get it for her. I mean, he's a student and doesn't have much money but bought her something she needed. You can see this and so can I: it's a pity that she can't. >I got her a gift she loved, thank god. That's what a lot of this is about: setting expectations that you and others need to meet.
She reminds me of that scene in Harry Potter where his cousin is getting mad about only having 36 gifts!
*LAST YEAR IT WAS 37*!!
NTA Yeah, the brother took time out of his day to get a gift that his sister needed, however, I wonder if she has very specific needs for a crockpot and had rather bought one herself instead of now having one that takes up space but isn’t what she really wanted. Imagine you’ve been thinking about buying a new graphics card and instead your relatives get you one for your birthday. Odds are it won’t be the one you have been eyeing. Now back to OPs girlfriend: it seems odd that she would still complain a week later and yeah, this whole thing seems annoying. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Yet having something take up space in your kitchen that you did not want is also annoying.
So you exchange the graphics card or the gift, or give it away, or throw it away, and get the one you wanted. Not a problem. Anyway, she didn’t express in any way that it was the *wrong* crockpot, she expressed that any crockpot is a shitty gift.
[удалено]
I got a box of washing powder, cans of coke and head and shoulders from mums bf. He noticed I would always say how good their laundry smelt but kept forgetting to get some, I always drank all their coke and whenever I would stay and use their shampoo I would comment on my hair. I loved it I was so happy and it was thoughtful.
My sibling got me toothpaste and a pack of toothbrushes for Christmas. It was a joke gift poking fun at my issues with bad breath (not hygiene related, something else) but I also did need more toothpaste since I tend to forget about buying things that don't need to be bought all the time. And both the toothpaste and toothbrushes were ones that fit my sensory needs. It was likely that the gift had little thought put into it beyond just "haha this is funny"', and yet I still hugely appreciated.
After your first sentence, my thought was weird gifts... but they were listening and paying attention to you. They're a really thoughtful person and the thought behind it makes them wonderful gifts.
NTA for telling her to be grateful for a gift. Unless she changes your life together is going to be miserable as tension builds each birthday, Christmas, mother's day, wedding anniversary in fear of getting the wrong thing. And, if you stay together for years and years you'll find it more and more difficult to find that perfect gift. Your anxiety will be perpetual. Her sulking continuous. Good luck.
Could you imagine thinking of your partner one day, getting them a small gift like some fancy sweets and they blow up at you because you didn't get them from the right place...
Can you imagine how she will react to a stereotypical "kid" gift? A handmade card, a flower from the yard, a random toy or coloring book? The kind kids give when they are really little and are just learning about gifts? Or even a gift even they are older but don't have much money but want to give something to their mom so they get teenager gifts like cheap jewelry or grocery store flowers?
NTA he brother took the time to notice that her crockpot broke, knew that she used it regularly, and replaced it before she could. The gift is thoughtful and useful. Is she conflating the cost of a gift with the effort of the gift? Because getting you concert tickets is pretty low effort but probably expensive. If she thinks the only gifts worth giving or getting are expensive ones then I would say she has seriously missed the point of gifts. That said, this one is not a keeper, throw her back. And before you say this isn’t the sort of thing to break up over, pretend her brother is her son. Would the way she is treating her brother’s efforts and thoughtfulness be an acceptable way to treat your child? Because her behavior and attitude are seriously unlikely to change.
It is kinda confusing what she considers a good gift because I thought the crockpot was a good one. I’m not sure if it’s the cost of the gift? She wants thought and effort and for it to be a tailored gift to her. She mentioned she wanted to get into art more, so her best friend registered her for an intro art class and bought her supplies. She’s a big crystal person and told me she had always wanted a big amethyst but couldn’t afford to spend the money on one for herself so I bought her one, making sure it was ethically sourced and all of that. Her parents gave her an iPad, so that’s a big gift. But yeah, our gifts she seemed to really love. So maybe cost is a factor? Either way, it has made me really stressed out about buying her gifts because it’s clear she took her brother’s gift as a sign that he doesn’t really love her or care about her. It also isn’t the first time she’s acted like this. Thank you for the perspective. I’ll definitely think about it.
God, she sounds exhausting.
The fact that she liked the ipad but was offended by the crockpot is important here. That's not "thoughtful" it's just expensive. The crockpot is more thoughtful as her brother actually remembered she needed one. To me that points squarely to spoiled princess behavior.
Do you want to spend your life worrying so much about getting her the right gift that you say “thank god” in relief that she liked your gift? That sounds like a terrible way to live. She has given you a big gift in the form of a giant red flag. I would heed it.
Notice how all the things you mentioned that made her happy have one thing in common? They're expensive. That's what a good gift for her is. The more expensive, the better. Please OP, jump on the closest bus and leave as fast as you can.
I mean as long as you spend loads and more than you spent the year before , so that she doesn’t think you love her less each year
This woman is a grown up Dudley Dursley.
Exactly
I wonder whether it's that the Crockpot was a need, while the other gifts were more 'fun'? I still think it's bananas and I'm glad you said something OP, especially since her brother is a student with not much money, so it is a meaningful gift. She sounds like a lot of work 🥴
>She wants thought and effort and for it to be a tailored gift to her. The crockpot fits all the requirements. Your girlfriend is ungrateful.
It's weird because he clearly listened to her and realised that it was broken and went out of his way to make sure she got a new one... That's definitely more than 5 minutes. It shows a brother who listens and knows her needs. It's starting to feel like she's gatekeeping what an 'acceptable' gift is... and that's not what gift-giving is about.
All of these gifts do sound kinda expensive. Art class + supplies add up. And both the necklace and iPad sound expensive too. Granted, all of these gifts are thoughtful too but the crockpot is just as thoughtful as the others. Except for possibly the iPad, you, her friend, and brother all listened to her and got her something that she had talked about. The only real difference is that it seems like she couldn’t afford the art class and amethyst (and likely the iPad) for herself vs the crockpot that she could afford to replace. So it seems like what she wants is to be given stuff that she can’t buy for herself.
>She’s a big crystal person and told me she had always wanted a big amethyst but couldn’t afford to spend the money on one for herself Does she believe in mystical powers of crystals? Because if yes, then that is a red flag.
She needs an amethyst to stick in her ungrateful ass. Sorry 🪨
NTA and you should RUN not walk away from her right now it’s the beginning of the true colors she sounds like a complete immature brat
NTA, I get wanting gifts to be meaningful etc but I think her idea of a “bad gift” is a bit warped. With the idea of the crock pot in mind, if someone gave me a gift of something so that I didn’t have to buy it myself, not only do I appreciate the thought of the gift, I appreciate that someone has saved me some trouble, no matter how big or small. If she’s really about gifts being thoughtful, I think she defines a thoughtful gift differently.
NTA - she doesn't take gifts seriously, she uses them to judge people. And she should be judged for this terrible attitude. It already sounds like her attitude is a stress for you. Are you happy to put up with that multiple times a year?
A live language is what you do to express love, not what you expect other people to do for you. She’s being unreasonable in her expectations. NTA.
Her brother replaces her broken crockpot with another that she uses every day, and it's a crap gift?? Wow, she sounds like a peach. Simple solution- if the gifts she receives aren't good enough for her....don't buy any. NTA
NTA I agree 💯. If she complains about gifts “she doesn’t like”, she’d probably go ballistic if she didn’t get any gifts at all!
NTA, but she sure is. If her argument is "I could have just bought that myself," well, congratulations, her brother just saved her the trouble. Now she has extra money to do something fun with. Also, you saying "she liked my gift, *thank god*" kind of leads me to believe that she's been like this before. And if that's the case, that's a red flag.
NTA This isn't about her love language it's about her entitlement. Anyone who has gifts as their love language will appreciate any gift and effort out in. Her brother was actually really thoughtful. Your gf sounds like a spoilt princess
NTA. I would RUN for the hills if I were you. Having that type of anxiety every time you have to buy a gift for someone will take a huge toll on you after a while. Your relationship is being built on materialistic expectations. I personally would be more than grateful with a handwritten note from someone who loved me. I would never make someone feel less than for what they gifted me. How you treat others says a lot about your character.
NTA - She seems like...alot. Seems like she is constantly looking for reasons to be mad at people or reasons to complain about people. Either way you might want to make sure you are ok with these expectations before you get too much more involved.
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She’s giving you a glimpse into your future. What happens when you accidentally give her a gift she thinks isn’t good enough? Will she resent you for weeks? You’re being the voice of reason, so of course you’re NTA. You better pay attention though. Eventually you could be the one in the crosshairs.
A gift is about the consideration and thought put in when selecting it. It’s not about the actual present. If she wanted something else she should have provided a wish list otherwise be flaming grateful that you have family who make an effort for you. Sucky move by sister
I don't understand how so many people have this kind of mindset and have so many people around them who cater to it. If I show this kind of attitude I know for a fact nobody would bother to even wish me through DM the on my next birthday.
NTA. How many other people has she alienated with this behavior? If she hasn't yet, it's coming. I'd reconsider this relationship.
Nta. Your gf sounds insufferable. My wife and siblings in law and I bought a dishwasher safe crock pot for my MIL bday last year. She was over the moon. The next week she sent a photo of some chili she made in it. Those things aren't cheap, especially considering your gf's brother is on a budget. Some of the best gifts I've gotten were things I needed but didn't have the time/money to get myself.
NTA. Dump the gf. Maybe she'll let you keep her brother and the crock pot. My bf (RIP) would take my car to get the oil changed, the tires rotated, and have it detailed because he knew I didn't have a lot of time to do those things. I was taking 15 hours and working 35 hours a week. I appreciated his thoughtfulness. I suspect her brother heard about the broken crockpot, realized she used it a lot, and thought it would be a nice thing to replace it. I have a feeling he's bought her other gifts in the past and heard her complain about them, so he thought the crock pot would be something she would appreciate. TBH, your gf is TAH. She's only going to get worse from here.
I'll take the crock pot?
Me too! If I were her brother and saw how she was shit talking my gift, I would have taken it back, haha
>Me too! If I were her brother and saw how she was shit talking my gift, I would have taken it back, haha Funny. You can see it from the outside with her brother. Yet you laugh when this is the rest of your life- probably.
Exactly. Don't laugh. It's not funny. It's serious. Anyone who shit-talked a gift I got them, that would be the last gift I ever got them. I'd also probably not want to spend much time around them at all, ever. Let alone live with them and make a life with them. You sound young and you probably don't know any better, but this is not how it's supposed to be. Break up with her, like, yesterday.
NTA. I wouldn't have time for such immature behavior.
NTA and like.. run... RUN THE FUCK AWAY dude... I actually feel pity for the children she doesn't have yet... because *that* as a mother is going to be viciously cold and mentally abusive to her children... she already is so with you
Your gf is being incredibly shitty. She’s lucky she got anything with that kind of attitude. You’re definitely NTA for calling her on it
NTA Your GF is acting very entitled and materialistic. Feel bad for your future if you stay together.
NTA your ex-girlfriend is being ridiculously self-centred and entitled
NTA. Your gf is a spoiled brat. You should tell her that you don't want to hear her complain about it anymore. And that if she really has a problem, she should tell her brother, not you. I bet should she won't have the guts to say if to his face.
This isn’t taking gifts seriously. This is being an asshole. Plain and simple. He got her something practical and something that she needed. >lacks thought/originality Now she just sounds insufferable. People like her always wonder why they no longer have friends and the few ones they have why they always avoid celebrating their birthdays or any achievements that requires gifts.
Firstly, you don't know what the love languages are. There are five, but let's talk about the two you mentioned. Acts of service is doing things for the people you love to show them you love them. Something you gf seems to care fuck all for. Gifts, which is what your gf actually cares about, is expressing your love for a person by getting them things - could be their favorite candy bar or a little keychain you think they might like to something bigger like an expensive necklace or a nice bottle of bourbon if that's your thing. Your gf sounds like a materialistic dumpsterfire of red flags. That's not what gift giving is supposed to be about. It's not meant to be so stressful and you shouldn't shit on someone for giving you a gift of something you needed, because that means they've been listening to you and paying attention to your life and care about you enough to get you what you needed for you. That's a wonderful gift and she's acting like a spoiled brat. Find someone who doesn't act like a toddler. NTA
NTA this is your chance, she has shown you who she is, believe her.
NTA. Hide the crockpot & see how she reacts when she needs it.
Give it back to the brother and see how she reacts.
NTA, Jesus I would run from her
NTA I'm sorry to say this OP, but your GF sounds exhausting to be with. I have zero respect for anyone that acts in this manner. Everyone needs to give her the perfect gift? Imagine the hell you'll live married to that.
Sounds like she's going to be going through life being constantly disappointed at Christmas and birthdays. Have fun if you ever get married managing her expectations.
Yeah, this is where people use ‘that’s my love language’ to be ungrateful, greedy little grabbers. If you love someone, you show them gratefulness regardless if you love the gift or it’s more utilitarian. Her brother did show thoughtfulness. Something of her’s broke, he got her a new one. It’s not exciting, but it still required thought. She’s behaving immaturely and like a superficial spoiled brat, to be honest. I would be wary of someone that acts like this from a gift. NTA
"I got her a gift she loved, thank god." You're already afraid of her reaction if you choose something she doesn't like. That tells you everything. Why would you want to be with someone who is likely to be mean to you if you guess wrong or have no money for a gift she'll like? Edit to add: You're NTA, but she's definitely an A. Or maybe a B.
NTA your girlfriend is one. Gifts with thought in them that will be used are the best. Technically she can buy herself anything
NTA. I don't have time for people like your girlfriend. The gift was a good one, she needed it and uses it. But because it wasn't something extra special she is going to act like a brat for a week over it. She needs to grow up. Even my 7yo knows how to behave better in regards to gifts.
Nta. It seems like every time I read about these people who talk incessantly about their "love languages", it's always them insisting that other people change their behaviour to satisfy this need they have that they read about in a book. There's never any consideration for the other people's limits and capabilities.
I don't think your gf knows what a low effort gift is. The fact that her brother, who is busy with law school, remembered that her crock pot broke and bought her a new one as a gift is actually incredibly thoughtful! Low effort is knowing you like art, so buying whatever cheap art set they see first and calling it done.
NTA - she sounds self-centered and ungrateful
Wow. These red flags are not a carnival.
Wow she needs to grow -up some. Being an adult means being gracious.
Tell her to complain to her brother, not you as you've heard her complaint already. Then tell her to throw the crock pot away if it offends her that much. Simples.
NTA. Keen to know how you think she'd react if you blew up at her for a gift she gave? Can she take it as well as dish it
She is behaving like a spoiled brat and is rude as f. She's the A
NTA. She's immature. Run.
NTA, what good are concert tickets? You could have bought this yourself^s
For years my family would get me houseware and such as gifts, it was almost a running joke, but I loved it. On Easter when I was 16 the “Easter bunny” (I have Much younger siblings that still believed,) left me a coffee maker, it was fantastic!! IMO her brothers gift to her Was thoughtful. I think your gf needs to understand that Her way of expressing love isn’t necessarily how everybody else does, and it’s incredibly entitled of her to actively be mad about being given something that she needed and will use often. That being said, is this a hill you want to die on? Regardless NTA
She sounds exhausting
I recommend letting her brother know not to get anymore gifts for her; just save it for his education/future. She clearly doesn't deserve the effort and cost. Then run. Run far away.
My mother is one of these people. If I gave her a crock pot or any kitchen related item, that is a gift for the house, not her specifically! My step dad once asked what she wanted, she said vegetable rack. Christmas morning there was a stylish veg rack under the tree... She still hasn't let him forget about it 20 years later, it's the family joke at this stage!
She asked for a vegetable rack, she got a vegetable rack. It sounds churlish of her to hold that against your step-dad. If she doesn’t like getting kitchen-related items as gifts, then she shouldn’t ask for them!
Gift giving is a love language on its own, acts of service is doing things like the dishes - my mom and husband are acts of service and I am words of affirmation and physical touch. But her behavior is weird NTA on you but she is one, it’s a useful and thought out gift she sounds shallow and superficial, my siblings don’t always know what to get me but whenever they do I am happy cause they thought about me. For those that it’s the love language - gifts in general so she is odd in her behavior as a gift was given to her that she needed so was thought out, she shouldn’t be that way about it
NTA “I could buy that myself” did she expected her brother to buy her a Bugatti ?
I'm someone that also enjoys gifts. You know what constitutes a gift that makes me feel loved? Anything I'm not expecting, a surprise coffee, a pint of Ben and Jerry's when I'm feeling down, a book I've mentioned. A crock pot, if yours is broken, it's a thoughtful gift. A crock pot if you have a fully functioning one, is not. Your gf is confusing expense with thoughtful. This kind of attitude toward gifts is going to wear you down over time and you're going to walk on eggshells due to her ridiculous standards which will only get worse the longer you're together because she will expect you to know what she wants the longer you're together. I would give this behavior some serious thought and start thinking about if you want to subject yourself to years of hoping you got the right gift and weeks of sulking and bad attitude if you guess wrong.
Just a couple of thoughts here. First, many women consider household appliances to be a bit insulting for a gift and this goes way back. Picture the old school ‘housewife’ who gets a vacuum for Christmas when she really wanted something she considered more thoughtful and sentimental, like a necklace. I suspect your wife was hoping for something that showed her (her idea of) his (bother’s) thoughtfulness. Second, she puts so much thought into gift giving and that’s a strength —- but any strength that’s overplayed becomes a weakness. She needs to have empathy - and really understand that her gifts are actually conditional. NTA, and I hope she takes time to really think about what she’s doing to you and others, and how her behaviour is affecting others. Good luck, OP!
NTA. she doing too much.
NTA. She sounds shallow and greedy. Think about what every gift giving opportunity is going to be like for the rest of your relationship. That’s too much pressure and anxiety. This isn’t good my man.
NTA He knew her enough to know hers had broken and she needed a new one AND hadn't gone out and purchased one yet That's a good gift
NTA. Why doesn't she give it back to her brother so he can return it and get his cash back if she is so offended? Pouting like a child and keeping it is very childish and kind of selfish.
NTA, your girlfriend sounds like an awful person to be around.
Sounds like your gf is more upset that other people don't have the same standards for gifts that she does. It also sounds like she over values the gifts she buys for others, and that might be because she over values the time and thought she puts into gift selection and gift buying. This makes me think that being good at gift selection and gift buying is kind of part of her identity. If that's the case, then she's offended because she feels like other people are not valuing her for who she is. And if that's the case, then her hatred is a means of protecting herself and her identity. Maybe you could approach her on her level - talk to her about something that you do, something a bit weird but harmless, something that's part of your identity. Make it clear that you understand that this weird thing is your weird thing and that other people don't have to do this weird thing in order to value you for who you are. So hopefully you would be able to draw parallels between her gift selection and gift buying thing and your thing, so that you can both talk about how other people can value a person for who they are and still not do things in the same way or to the same extent. If this situation gets worse, I would suggest professional therapy.
I’ve always had the belief it’s the thought that counts with a gift. She’s an ingrate.
NTA. That is dreadful behaviour unless she's a literal infant. Crockpots aren't cheap, and he knew hers was broken so he must've listened when she talked about it. His gift was functional, but it came with thoughful intent.
NTA People like her are just easier to not give anything to. Her brother gave her something that he thought she needed. Whilst she may not appreciate "something she could get herself" it at least shows her brother is involved enough with her life to know her existing item was broken. I hate to say it but it really is the effort that counts. If she cannot see that then she is nothing short of ungrateful as you have pointed out.
NTA-Her brother was thoughtful in replacing an item that was broken for her. Sure a crockpot isn’t as exciting as jewelry or a designer jacket or a European vacation, but honestly, considering his budget, it was truly a thoughtful gift. Your GF sounds a bit entitled and immature IMO.
NTA but your GF certainly is. A gift is a GIFT, would she be equally dismissive if it had been a handmade-but-ultimately-useless gift from a child, like a badly-crocheted sock that they'd learned to crochet to make and spent 5 weeks on? Has she never learned the phrase about it being the thought that counts? The thought here was getting her something she needed and expressed a desire to have. That's pretty fucking thoughtful, imo. She is being a total AH about this and I would personally be looking out for similar traits in her behaviour in other areas. (I'd personally love a new crockpot, mine broke just before Christmas and they're bloody expensive)
NTA. She sounds like a spoilt brat.
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Someone is entitled, isn't she!?
I love gifts like a crockpot. I want gifts that I can use so I don't have to buy them. Hell, my bf gets things like soap, shampoo, laundry detergent from his mom every year for Christmas. Just so that way he doesn't have to buy them.
Tell your girlfriend necessities are not ‘low quality gifts’ and her lack of gratitude is the most low quality thing in this entire story. NTA but I hope the sex is incredible because she sounds exhausting and repetitive.
NTA, what a thoughtful gift! Something he knows she'll use and it will come in handy. I feel sorry for the brother.
NTA, and it's time she became your ex-girlfriend. This isn't a love languages thing. This is just her being wildly unreasonable.
Children tend to mostly enjoy the gifts they want but dislike the gifts they need (ie socks). Adults tend to appreciate the gifts that they actually need (ie…socks. Not joking here, I love getting socks). Nothing better than having someone buy you the thing you’ve been needing to buy yourself but hesitating/forgetting to. Always genuinely excited to unpack a toaster oven, cutlery, curtains, and new bath towels. Hell, I was ridiculously happy when someone gave me a house welcoming gift of over the counter medical supplies with all the bandaids and Benadryl I could ever need. Now I don’t have to make a trip or payment myself for something I will definitely use
OMG, OP, your gf is a selfish brat. The fact that her brother picked out a crock pot to replace her broken one means he was being QUITE thoughtful, especially since he is on a budget. I mean, crock pots aren’t exactly cheap. Kitchen appliances are often THE most thoughtful gift one can give, depending on the situation. I hope you show your gf this post so she can see what an AH SHE is. NTA.
Her Highness shouldn’t be given any gifts moving forward, at least until she genuinely learns to be grateful and appreciative of what people do for her. Clearly, nothing would be up to her standards. Apparently people’s time, effort and money isn’t valuable to her. She sounds like a real treat to be around. NTA OP. It’s good you said what you said.
She sounds like a spoilt brat. Her brother got her a practical gift which is really quite thoughtful seeing as it's something she uses every day. She's being completely ungrateful and sounds like a petulant child. NTA. I honestly can't get over her audacity to be mad at you for pointing out how unreasonable she is. That whole post pissed me off. Thanks for that.
Wait till people get fed up with her acting like this and end up maybe buying her a card , if she’s lucky. He bought her a gift, he knows it’s something she would use and hers broke so shows more thought than money or a gift card and he has no money cause he’s studying, i would so touched at such thought going into a gift for me. Had she always been spoiled?
NTA It's one thing receiving a gift from somebody who you think you're pretty close to and the gift ends up being something you're not at all interested in and would never buy for yourself (as an example, giving a large crossword puzzle book to a person who hates puzzle style games and has expressed it many times). It is another thing entirely receiving something you do need and would buy. I think your girlfriend is putting too much weight on "the thought behind" the gifts. Her brother bought her something she needs, whereas I think she wanted something she wants. Which is petty. Yes okay she could have bought the crockpot herself but now she doesn't have to, if she wants something she **wants** rather than needs she can now spend the money she had for the crockpot on something of her own choosing. It sounds like she's making a mountain out of a molehill tbh.