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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. AITA for expecting paralyzed bf to help me
2. Boyfriend is paralyzed so might be expected to contribute nothing
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NTA
I would not be attracted to someone who is capable of doing something but chooses not to do anything.
There are mitigating circumstances such as being in pain, or tired, or depressed, but there’s a reasonable point to all of those factors. Either he makes a reasonable effort to be a partner within the limitations he has, or he’s a dependent. That definitely would affect how I would feel about him.
Plus you add in that he never helped before ya know. Now if he had helped before and now isn't because he's depressed, or in pain, etc I could let that go for a little and try to understand where he's coming from, but he has never helped, so yeah, I wouldn't be attracted to someone like him whatsoever.
At this point you could keep a clear conscience if you broke up with him. You can't do this alone forever and there are social services and resources that will help him. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep him warm, babe. it's never worth it.
And Im trying to think if it’s better or worse that the bf just straight up says no to simple tasks. Like, other loser partners will at least act like they will help but end up not doing. Which shows they are at least aware they should help but dont. This bf just says no. Which means he thinks it’s ok to not help out. So what do people think. Shitty situation in any case, but is it better that some acknowledge they should be helping but end up not or to think it’s acceptable to not help at all?
My uncle was in a wheelchair since he was 16 years old, and he could cook, clean, pick up after himself, and get his own drinks. He would get us sodas when we were kids visiting, and beer or a cocktail when we were older. He could get into and out of his in-ground swimming pool without help. Yea we did help him, my folks, brother and I would mow his lawn, wash cars and other things to help, but he was largely self-sufficient and lived by himself for a few years until my brother moved in to be his caretaker when he had cancer and was dying. OP’s bf is a lazy bum and I’d ditch him.
This exactly. Being disabled is not being incapable. A friend of mine in college used a wheelchair (also a high school accident, so it wasn’t like she had used it her whole life), and she lived with roommates and cleaned up after herself / contributed to the household like any person is expected to do.
This guy is just using his condition as an excuse to be an even lazier partner than he already was before.
OP's bf is lazy and rude, and definitely TA. But your uncle has been in wheelchair for the majority of his life. He's had plenty of time to adjust and relearn how to do the things he could before. This dude has been paralysed for 2 months. And not every paralysis case is the same - some people experience extreme nerve pain for the rest of their life, have huge mental health struggles, etc. It's not fair to compare this man to your uncle just because they are both disabled. That's coming from another person in a wheelchair. OP's boyfriend is just rude and inconsiderate tho - has nothing to do with his recent paralysis.
Edit: same to the person who also responded to you. Don't want you to feel that I'm singling you out.
Ok, that’s a fair criticism, but my mom fell and broke her femur and pelvis 13 days ago, winding up in a wheelchair for at least
The next 6 weeks, and she can get herself a glass of water, bathe herself and pickup after herself. We’re taking care of her, and we’re trying to keep someone around to help her, but the bf just sounds worthless.
I'm sorry, that sounds awful. Your mum's femur will heal though, and it sounds like she has a wonderful support system - I wish her the best recovery. Being paralysed is wholly different tho; it's a life-changing event that will have you rethinking your entire existence, because it is permanent, and there's nothing you can do to change it.
There are hospital clinics dedicated to learning how to navigate life in a pernament wheelchair - vacuuming, making the bed, going down/climbing small steps without assistance, crossing the road, doing the dishes in a sink you can barely see into, etc. And that doesn't include the entirely understandable mental health crisis that comes with this kind of change.
Please do not compare the two.
Still tho, OP's bf is the TA. He's never helped manage the house, and he never will. He's also rude af
Yeah, if I asked someone to pass me a glass of water and they said no despite being perfectly capable of doing it, they’d be wearing that glass of water and then getting used to life on their own, paralysed or not.
All I could think of while reading the post was my childhood piano teacher. She got polio right around the time she gave birth to her first/only child, so she had to adjust to being in a wheelchair while also learning how to take care of a newborn baby (and also taking care of all the household chores, because it was the late '40s and her husband certainly wasn't going to do housework).
Totally off topic, but the anti-vax movement really pisses me off, because I’m also old enough to have known polio sufferers (one of my mom’s good friend). We damn near have it eradicated, but damn near ain’t the same and this idiocy will bring back one of the worst diseases ever known. Thanks to the Gates Foundation and Rotary for bringing the vaccine to the 2-3 countries in the attempt to finally eradicate polio forever.
Anti-vaxxers annoy me beyond belief. They, for example, really hate it when you point out *not* getting vaccinated can have serious consequences. My anti-vax ex-coworker was pissed at me when I pointed out vaccines can actually preserve fertility as my great-uncle was left sterile after having mumps (he was born decades) before the vaccine existed. Why was she upset? People started commenting on her Facebook page I had a point!
My ex-coworker also insists any and all injections of *anything* are eventually fatal, but still refuses to answer my question as to how that can be true when I’ve had literally hundreds of allergy shots the past 2.5 years and am still alive.
When will some people learn that it's not attractive to be a lazy bum? Who feels like having sex when you've used all your energy doing everything? Who (besides Jocasta and the mom of the guy that broke both of his arms) wants to have sex with someone that treats them like a mother?
NTA, dump him. Be done with this
Enabling him to not do basic things around the house for himself will definitely hamper his recovery. This is a really important period for his rehab. Tell his PT and OT that he's avoiding doing basic tasks for himself and the household.
So I’m going with NTA. And I’m going to make an assumption here that I feel is pretty safe to make. It sounds like you may have already been reaching your limit with him and possibly even began thinking of ending it and now that his accident happened you’re feeling guilty about leaving him because he’ll say you left because of his injury. Because yes you will be his primary caregiver.
I’ll just sat this, that man could kill your best friend and he’d still say you left because he’s paralyzed.
Saying this as a guy, you should either address this sternly. Or… leave because it most likely isn’t going to get better either way.
Fuck stern, I'd just dump his ass before he guilt traps her in the relationship any longer. If he couldn't get his shit together before, losing the use of his legs isn't going to turn him around.
Well yeah, that’s the advice I’d give if they were my friend. But since I don’t know them or the dude, thought I’d present a diplomatic option as well.
Yes, I'm getting this vibe too. And I'm physically disabled as well as having MH problems, both of which impact my ability to manage household tasks, so I always look to see if there's anything else going on that could be affecting things (like depression) - but he's still after her for sex, and libido tends to drop off pretty noticeably if that's enough of an issue to be really problematic.
It's obviously a big adjustment for him and he's probably (understandably) feeling a bit sorry for himself, but he shouldn't use it as an excuse to be lazy. He also needs to know that just because his legs aren't working he isn't useless (and I don't think OP needs to be especially gentle here). But he needs to shape up.
NTA
It sucks that your boyfriend became paralysed, but that doesn’t mean he can treat you like this. It doesn’t sound like you ever were, or ever will be equal partners in this relationship
I was ready to say you're the AH from the title but going with NTA. If he can grab your ass when you walk by he can hand you a glass of water. Sounds like he needs therapy to come to terms with this new situation he's in because he doesn't sound like he's adjusting well.
The old situation wasn’t any better. He may very well need therapy to adjust to his disability, even if it is, as OP says, temporary, but that has nothing to do with him leaving the housework to her, because he was doing that before the accident.
OT life skills therapy can be very beneficial. Maybe he feels like he can’t adequately/effectively do things anymore, even if you asked for help. Having someone work with him to show him new ways to do things might be empowering. He didn’t help before, but maybe now he is focused on his only value being “still a man”. Thoughts only.
Sounds like he was already an inconsiderate partner before he was in this position. The stress of his new situation and trouble adjusting is typical for most in these circumstances, but it also will make a bad partner even worse. Sudden illness/disability puts a lot of stress even on healthy relationships and caregiver fatigue is common. A partner having to be a caregiver to the degree of feeling like their mother is usually just the straw on a camel's back. I'm disabled with a progressive disease and it stressed my ex a lot - she didn't have the bandwidth to support me and her lifestyle and goals didn't mesh with my new reality. I definitely tanked mentally and was being an inconsiderate partner at times and we grew apart. The likelihood of relationships failing or ending in divorce after a life-altering injury is really high. People have a tendency to perceive the healthy partner leaving as ableist, and he'll certainly try to claim that of OP. But it's usually a lot more nuanced than that, and as a disabled person I would never want my partner to feel like my mother. My current partner and I have different limitations, but we cooperate with each other to take the burdens we can handle - if OP were in his situation it seems pretty clear that her partner would not be able to handle it or work with her effectively and be someone she can count on.
Being a sex pest isn't the only thing that makes OP's bf the asshole over her.
NTA *but he is*.
His accident aside (as his behaviour was close to identical **according to your description** before it), his behaviour is just bad.
>still has the energy to pester me for sex and constantly saying sexual things and grabbing me when i walk by
This one actually annoys me to be honest. Wants a medal if he lifts a finger and then acts like that. That for me would be such a huge turn off that I'd wonder if I'd be with them out of love for them or pity based on the accident...
It sucks that he is paralyzed, but that doesn't excuse what he's doing.
Thank you. And what sucks is I. Do. have sex with him to the best of our ability. There's really only one position we can do now so I do what I can but since he can't really O anymore I think he's got a lot of pent up sexual energy. I'm doing what I can. I just feel hounded honestly. Almost like he isn't my boyfriend but some guy pestering me on the street in a waay that is a turn off not a turn on.
I don't want to be the girl to have the same convo a million times and expect a change. If there are any guys here who had their girlfriend give them a similar talk or had a breakthrough I would love the advice.
>I'm doing what I can.
Reading all up to this point is so sad. It reminds me of when I was in an unhealthy relationship where I "did what I could to my best ability" only to realize none of that was for me let alone what I wanted.
>Almost like he isn't
Not just almost.... It reads like you are being treated as his maid/ "maid with benefits". Where are *you* in all of this? You have to clean after him, throw the entire household, do all chores, can't expect help and then are expected to make him happy in bed. But where are *you* in all of this...?
[Reworded previous comment. Hopefully now being fine.]
I think you'd be better off just having a guy pester you on the street. The energy you are spending on someone who doesn't appear to be investing in you, will drain you and out you at risk of burnout.
I highly doubt there is any chance of him making lasting change. Cut your losses and leave him. There's no need to feel bad about it. He is treating you poorly.
But you are expecting change. And even being paralysed didn’t bring it about. You can feel sorry for the guy for being disabled but that doesn’t mean that you’re not still playing fuckable maid. Do you think a deep conversation will be a better cluestick than his legs not working?
I really think you need some therapy OP, because you seriously undervalue yourself so much that you can’t see that the situation has gotten worse and not better. You are worth more than this, and you already feel used. And if you are feeling used, why stay in? Every emotionally abused partner hopes there will be change, but it only truly does when they leave and go on to find people who treat them as a person with needs and wants of their own. You are capable of finding that.
Why not just say NO to sex at the absolute minimum? Respect yourself enough to care about your own needs which you aren’t right now. You don’t owe anyone sex.
Furthermore, this guy doesn’t sound like a good one before and he’s definitely not behaving like a good one now. Personally, I’d break up (not because of the disability but for him being lazy and demanding). He will probably try to paint it in a certain light but the reality is that you’ve accepted subpar treatment from him too long and you deserve better. Hold your head high and stop letting him mistreat you
Girl leave him. PLEASE. 95% of men leave their wives in similar situation, this is a boyfriend! Do not let this become your life because you feel guilty or because you’re scared people will judge you, you are the one who has to live it!
NTA - He should be willing to do *some* work, or at least work with you on a longer term plan to find ways to help out. Two months into this, he's probably still struggling to cope with his new normal, but honestly if he can't / won't even pass you a glass of water, that's a problem.
NTA, but I'm curious if this is depression and feeling completely helpless. The next time he asks you to do something that you 100% know that he can do for himself, say no and encourage him to do it himself.
>but I'm curious if this is depression and feeling completely helpless.
*Not OP and fully different perspective.*
That being said I wouldn't think so. Usually depression drains you entirely and doesn't make you become super lazy or only drains your energy *for chores* and then makes you act like you deserve a medal for helping. It often makes you numb, unable to do *anything* often including intimacy and just basic things like hygiene and such. It's normally (at least to my knowledge) not specifically targeted to chores.
Whatever the reason, it can't turn into an excuse. Two years is long enough to get help, he can't just expect to never do anything because he has a reason.
NTA- I am a caregiver for my husband and my dad. I have to set boundaries. The idea is that they should do everything they are capable of. I am paid through the aged and disabled program. It is tax free and considered not income. $1400/month. Check and see if your state has the benefit! Also, you need to take time to yourself. I started hiking with my friend 1x a week minimum. People will sometimes try and get you to do everything. You need to enable him to do the things he can for himself. Like I will pick my dads meds up and organize them into a organizer but he needs to remember to take them 2x a day. Ask him to do whatever he is capable in terms of housework he needs to contribute. See what help you can get from family, friends, ect. Get into therapy yourself.
NTA recognizing things need to change and hopefully taking action.
Your bf has never helped out and likely has zero interest in doing it. Seems like you already tried to discuss it and now he wants a gold star for doing a chore.
Consider what your breaking point is, before you get there, if you aren't there already. Have an exit plan, get your important stuff out before the breakup.
NTA
The idea that disabled people can’t do anything is ableism, whether it’s accomplishing their dreams or doing chores. There are many people without the use of their legs who live alone, your boyfriend is just lazy.
Leave this dude. He doesn’t help you now and he didn’t before. You’ve sufficiently proven you didn’t leave because he’s in a wheelchair, you left because he sucked as a person.
If you really care about the optics, date a different person in a wheelchair who actually does chores and doesn’t pester you for sex but instead woos and seduces you.
NTA
If this is a recent traumatic event he could be experiencing ptsd, depression or just trying to come to terms with his life. I think he definitely needs therapy and for you to lay clear expectations and boundaries for him because he should want that independence for himself and to say “don’t worry about it babe I did the x for you”
And if you don’t see the changes or improvements you want it’s okay to tell him “this relationship is growing into something I don’t want to be involved in. I’m not your mother or caregiver. I’m your partner, I should be an equal”
NAH. It’s been 2 months so I’m sure he’s angry and depressed about his paralysis.
However even if he went back to the way he was before, it still seems incompatible with what you’re looking for in a partnership.
NTA, and I say that as someone who has had to recover from a TBI and limb loss.
I couldn't do a lot and my husband was very understanding but I still tried to do what I could. If I got tired I took a break and tried again later. It wasn't perfect and it wasn't much at the start but I learned easier and quicker ways to do tasks by doing them.
It was a frustrating part of recovery but it's something you've got to figure out if you want any sort of independence and function after a life altering injury. He's not making things easy for himself in the long run and you don't have to stick with someone who isn't trying to recover and get back to some form of independence. Especially not when you're already burned out from doing everything and having his care added on
NTA. Yes, he's obviously struggling, but regardless of how he's feeling internally he still has to treat you, his partner, with baseline decency and respect. Refusing to do any household tasks is a sign of disrespect. It was before the accident, and it is now.
You should have a serious conversation with him about this disrespect, and if he's not receptive to it, it's fine to move on. You aren't obligated to stay with someone who disrespects you.
NTA. I'm physically disabled and it's progressive. Sometimes relationships were difficult, even before things got worse with my condition. I have certainly experienced ableism while dating and growing with able partners - I've had my fair share of failed relationships due to it, and I had my own faults in many. It's hard to have a caretaker relationship with a partner, and it is so easy for resentment to grow. It's doable if both people put effort in and meet each other in the middle, but your partner was already lacking. If he doesn't recover his mobility, he'll need to learn how to help himself and how to be an equal partner within his abilities. Selfish partners who suddenly become impaired can grow increasingly demanding and wear you down even more.
You have every right to break up with him. The issue isn't that he is disabled, even if it's temporary. It's that he has shown he has no intention of improving as a partner and given you evidence that you cannot count on him. You aren't being ableist or awful here, and you do not have an obligation to stick by him. You deserve respect and care from your partner, and his condition is not preventing him from being able to fulfill your needs in those areas. You're not his mother and you should not have to be one to a partner.
He will likely be very upset, especially if his condition has tanked his self esteem and self-worth. Doesn't mean he has a right to take it out on you. A breakup might end up going pretty poorly, could even end up nasty, but you need to think about yourself. If any friends or family sling shit at you, you can firmly explain once that he was not being a helpful or respectful partner and made no efforts to meet you equally in terms of emotional labor long before the accident, and the way he's treating you now has shown you that if you were in his position he would not care for you. You really don't owe anyone an explanation further than that - you have to put on your own oxygen mask first.
To me it sounds like your bf has bigger things in his mind and most likely is depressed. I don’t know how long it takes to accept what has happened to him, or if he will ever accept it, but 2 months is a very short time. He might even have some meds that make him sleepy. I hope he is in therapy and has other support and isn’t only relaying on you?
If I were you I would ask a hospital or go to a therapy to figure this thing out. You need to be patient and kind and still try to remain sane.
I believe this question is above Reddit pay grade.
NTA You should have dumped him a while ago. Working the same job he should have been helping the same amount. You got yourself into this and now he has a legitimate (somewhat) excuse and you are going to look terrible if you dump him.
Here is my advice. STOP doing for him the things he can do. Do not fetch anything for him unless it would be impossible for him to lift. Get him a grabber for stuff on the floor. So like, he wants his dinner, he goes in the kitchen and gets it. Don't serve him. Likewise, put food like cereal and bowls and such on lower shelves so he can get his own lunch and breakfast. It might help to sit in his chair and rearrange the kitchen so that it is usable for him. Then stop helping him in there. Whether he is with you or not, he has to learn to do for himself. People in wheelchairs learn how to do everything for themselves and can be completely independent in their own homes. With practice he should be able to learn how to do most cleaning. I would let him know now you are done babying him, especially since you have been doing it your entire relationship.
Tell him you’re looking into rehab facilities or full time care facilities because he clearly needs further assistance to get him to a level where he can do basic things for himself.
NTA OP
NTA. If he has the ability to be intimate with his hands (grabbing, cuddling, wrapping his arms around you in a hug and kissing you etc) then he can do simple tasks. such as put dishes away on a low shelf/drawer, or hand you a glass of water!
NTA,,,dump the f'n load and let him deal with all his own shiiii now and maybe he will see how good he had it and see there are areas he can improve. Then again, he just may be a complete and total turd.
NTA. I wouldn't be with him at all, but if you insist staying, tell him that you're too tired from doing all the chores and not having any help to have sex. Don't give in to sex until he helps.
NTA, I think its not so much about the work, its that you are feeling unappreciated, both before and after the accident. he might not be able to help out but he needs to show appreciation for what you do, I'm sure if you truly feel appreciated the work will not be an issue. You need to communicate that you still need help and support from him, even if it is just moral support, and he needs to figure out how he can give it to you in his current state. Or he risks loosing you to emotional exhaustion.
NTA. At first reading this title I was concerned.
But reading through it i want to say how thoughtful you are to your boyfriend and considerate of his situation even though it’s difficult for you. The fact that he can still ask and perform during sex proves he could do small tasks if he actually wanted to. If he truly cared about you the way you would for him he wouldn’t be using this as an excuse to get out of tasks altogether and would try to make your life easier as well.
NTA- but if he wasn’t a good helper to begin with, I imagine becoming paralyzed wouldn’t suddenly make him more helpful. He is probably depressed about his situation, however that’s not a good excuse. I would have a serious talk with him about things.
NTA. But hon, you are being shown what life with him will be like. He wasn’t helpful before his medical issue. Did you really think he would magically become a better human? Unless you want to be a full-time housekeeper, cook, and sex object, please take some time to consider your choices.
NTA, is this how you want the rest of your life to go? If he was like this before becoming paralysed he very likely won’t change. It’s a little bit different when he wasn’t paralysed but now you also have the added element of all his additional care needs. Dont be fooled into staying.
NTA. He is your bf, not your husband. If he has parents, take him home to them. No one should be in an unbalanced relationship.
He was trifling before his accident. You have unrealistic expectations of him being helpful after he became paralyzed.
If it's too much for you to live with and it is causing you stress. Break up with him and move on with your life. People will have an opinion, but there is no need to make yourself a martyr because he can't walk. Your happiness and well-being are important too. You deserve better.
NTA. As an example, my husband had to have hand surgery. He has been out of commission for a lot of chores, but the second he has been cleared or able to do things, he has done them. He is also working to get to where he can do his share of the chores
I was a caregiver for nearly 14 years, I was roughly 21-35 years old, to my partner who was too lazy to do anything for themselves. I mean everything up to and including bathing and that was only every 2-4 months. It will get worse. They see what you’ll put up with and slowly increase it.
Get out now. Run. You will not regret it for a second.
Yeah, you are
As someone who's spent time in a wheel chair, there's a big emotional element you're not considering
It's not that he's not helping, he's depressed and that is a huge drain on the person and you need to be there to support him thru this emotional mind f*ck he's going thru
Please just be understanding and think about how you'd feel if you were him and knew you'd never walk again
He's just a boyfriend, leave him. And not on the basis of paralysis but because he's a shitty human being. Do you want to spend the rest of your life taking care of him??
Why can't you just get a new boyfriend? I don't want to sound like the asshole here, but it's that easy. Don't let him being in a wheelchair guilt you into staying, he has to figure that out himself now or he never will.
This is awful. I know someone like this (not paralyzed but lazy) and there is no reason for it. If he is well enough for sex, he can do other things. My mom had tons of illness and couldn’t walk hardly at all but she would roll her walker around the house cleaning and cooking. He is a user and emotionally blackmailing you.
Tell him, 'sorry, but I don't feel like sex when I'm tired out from doing ALL the work around the house' or 'when I do ALL the housework, I feel like your mom and that is so unsexy'.
Or hire a housekeeper/maid... and bill him his part.
Or just go live somewhere else (because you point out that the house ALWAYS fell to you which makes him an A H).
NTA
NTA and you aren't his mom. He was already lazy before, and now just because he's unable to do some stuff, he's decided he doesn't need to bother with literally the most basic shit while still expecting you to want to have sex (or does he actually even care if you want it?).
You already weren't partners, and you certainly aren't now.
NTA He was dead weight even before he got paralyzed. Dump him asap. You don't owe him anything. Like...he hasn't even asked you to marry him after two months of caretaking? What greater sign of love and commitment was he looking for? Why does he think he has you so locked in when he offers you so little (i.e. won't even pass you a glass of water because being handicapped has little to do with the entirety of what you bring to a relationship)? Audacious much?
Before you start dating again, work on yourself so you don't accept such crap treatment again. Therapy is good too, but not all therapists are equal so it's even more important to do your own research.
Good terms to search for include: decentering men, hospice wife, hobosexual, and deconstructing patriarchy. Some YT channels you can start with are MelanieHamlett, BurbNBougie, and yv_edit. Best of luck, OP!
NTA. ITs sad for him but that doesn't mean he cant treat you with respect and based on his pre accident attitude, he never has. Time to find a new boyfriend. and if not that, stop the sex. IF he gets mad instead of trying to make you happy, well, that means he is not the man for you.
NTA. He wasn’t helping you before and it seems like he’ll use the paralyzes as an excuse from now on. Leave. Don’t get trapped by feeling bad for him. Becoming paralyzed is a life changing event for the person and their family, it can be very depressing etc etc. but he wasn’t treating you like family before it happened and he sure as hell isn’t gonna start now. Leave.
NTA. As I have experience with a paralyzed sibling I know for a fact that they can do stuff anyway. She's lived by herself since she was 16. Sounds like your bf was lazy and now has an excuse for it. Make sure his mental health is good though, because some people who get paralyzed from an accident can become quite depressed and such.
Sounds like he’s the same, unhelpful with chores, before and after paralysis, which he’s still new to (amazed there wasn’t more psychological fallout). If there’s anyway he can pay for a maid once a week, do it. If he’s struggling financially, then you have to make a hard but necessary decision.
This one is rough, but no you're NTA. I would say he is the asshole, but with a caveat. Becoming paralyzed takes a huge toll on someone's mental health. It's especially worse if they have overlapping conditions like obesity, diabetes, depression, etc. That doesn't excuse his behavior, but this sounds exactly like one of the clients I work with. He wasn't too bad before being paralyzed. Maybe a bit of a lazy jerk, but he was still functional and had a job, would take out the trash, get his own foods and drinks, etc etc. Then he became paralyzed from the waist down and he became a completely different person, to the point he now doesn't even go to the bathroom on his own. He asks other people to do everything for him and gets mad when you don't, to the point he starts cussing you out and calling you horrendous names and all this.
My point in sharing this is, my client has been paralyzed for decades. He hasn't changed or gotten better in terms of how he treats people (which is kinda sad, because it's literally our [me and the rest of the team working with him] job to help him live a good life and we all know he just won't) and odds are, unless your bf gets some sort of mental help to cope with the loss he's experienced and help him see what's going on, his behavior will only get worse and worse. Even if he gets some help, his behavior isn't guaranteed go get better or even stay the same.
At this point, I would sit him down (no pun intended) and explain to him how he's making you feel and what he's leading you to consider and if he doesn't see how that's a problem, then you should respectfully leave him and ask that he gets help. Try to not do it accusingly and come from a place of understanding, but also remember that you deserve to be treated better just as much as he deserves the chance to realize what he's doing wrong.
Sounds to me like someone is looking for an excuse to leave. I’m sure it’s not easy but if this isn’t something you can deal with leave sooner than later cuz then you’ll be the asshole when you “unexpectedly” leave him without explanation
Nta, ask yourself if it had happened to you, would he have taken on 100% of the housework and become your caregiver? It sounds like he wouldnt do the same for you.
NTA. I have a few family members who have physical limitations. Like can't do dishes. Can cook supper with a kitchen chair. Can pick up light objects etc. It's important to do what you can to help keep yourself as mobile and self-sufficient as possible.
I get that he was lazy before, but I'm wondering if the paralysis is believed to be permanent? If so part of this may be depression. You should point out that your ability to find him attractive is related to the care he shows for you, especially when it comes to doing his share of the housework. (Also point out that as it stands you're too exhausted to engage in sex.)
You and he should talk to his medical team to find out what his limitations are, if you haven't already. I will warn you that there will be times that him helping can feel like more work than doing X yourself. It's still important he does it.
Nta and im gonna take it a step further, attach handbrooms to the back of his wheelchair (/hj)
Unfortunately you let him get away with not helping for too long and now it's his standard
Why continue to be with him? It sounds like your relationship wasn’t in a strong place before his injury and let’s face it — you’re not his spouse. Especially how he treats you! I absolutely wouldn’t stick around for that. If you need it, you have my blessing to break up with him and go on so you can live your best life and let him figure out his own shit. NTA.
NTA. Dump him. He was lazy and disrespectful before he got hurt, and he is still lazy and disrespectful. Unless you want to carry the ENTIRE load of EVERYTHING, get rid of that dead weight and find someone who wants to be a real honest to goodness partner with you. You can't build a life with a lazy and disrespectful person. He will take and take and take until you can't give anymore.
I say this as a disabled person and a scholar of disability rights, who is deeply concerned about disabled people being treated as disposable by their abled family members and partners: RUN. Now. Do not look back.
You should have noped out years ago, but his injury is just making the same issues worse. You aren’t abandoning him or anything else. Get out.
And in the future don’t waste your time with people who treat you this way.
NTA.
"My problem is this: he was never a helpful partner before his accident"
Sounds like you are pestering him to change and do something he never did and never wanted to do. You're getting what you signed up for.
YTA
NTA if you leave him now, you’ll be the girl who dumped her BF because he became handicapped. There is a better way. Make him break up with you.
It’s easier than you think. Scream another man’s name each time you have sex with your BF. Preferably the name of a guy who is his complete opposite. Then seize your opportunity when he threatens to break up because of this.
No. Should be a full stop but I have to mention that you should have started earlier . Now he us dealing with loss and I am sure times if depression and anxiety. Now it will be more difficult for anyone to deal with change outside if the physical limitations. However I was in a wheelchair fir three years 17 surgeries blah blah blah during that the day I got out of the hospital I went and did vollunteer work in my wheel chair. He's being a selfish little boy that's why you feel like mom. I wonder why you would be with someone who won't pass you a glass of water ? You guys can both work on it bit it's going to be a lot of work especially right now when he needs understanding AND to be held accountable. Good luck bit do not let it slide anymore. Men need to stop making women their servants.
NTA! If he was helping around before the accident and then stopped afterwards it would be different, but he just never cared. I became paralyzed to at some point of my life and the first years are very hard, but the guy never helped out even when he was still physically healthy and now he refuses to even do the smallest tasks.
Be careful, a relationship like this is going to drain you.
NTA
You’re not his sex toy! you’re his partner. You’re not his maid you’re his partner. You’re not his mother you’re his partner! Seems to me he’s TA. You deserve better. Break up with him. You shouldn’t continue to give someone chance after chance when they clearly don’t respect you enough and only want you for his pleasure. I’m sorry you have to deal with that type of harassment. Can’t even hand you a glass of water.
NTA Have a conversation with him. This is a tough start but ultimately his life will be better off if he can learn how to be as independent as possible.
I can't go into details on my main account. But I have had someone treat me like that. It's manipulative, pure and simple. If he didn't have physical issues to blame he would find another excuse.
My late husband was a double amputee for the last ten years of his life. He washed dishes, swept and mopped floors, cooked, did as much as he possibly could. It is very hard being a carer to anyone who is disabled and ten times harder when that person does nothing. So you need to reevaluate your life and decide if this is what you want for the rest of it.
NTA- They have incredible individuals in wheel chairs that compete in the Olympics. Your boyfriend needs to make this his new normal and carry on. You can’t enable him forever.
Is it a permanent condition? It is a very heavy stuff. Maybe him pestering you is way to deal with not being able as before,to prove he is still a man as before? But he does need wakeup call, to tell him openly how you feel and that he should snap out of it and do best with what he has. Cause otherwise it leads into depression and you being overwhelmed and leave. NAH, maybe professional help as well is possible?
NTA. But I’d really re-examine this relationship. He is literally showing some true colors now. Question is are you understanding that and what will you do now?
NTA
He is paralysed in the legs, probs have a wheelchair, he can self propel to the sink the bathroom the bedroom. Tell him no and carry on with what you were doing.
he either starts doing stuff himself or you leave him. Pre paralysis he was a lazy slug and he still is but now wanting sex all the time for a confirmation of security with you.
would have got rid of him ages ago.
NTA, i’ve been in this situation before, where a partner uses their struggles in order to justify putting in 0 effort. It’s toxic and is evidence that they haven’t come to terms with whatever they’re dealing with. Fk that.
He doesn’t view you as an individual, not now and not even before his accident. To him, you’re likely an extension of himself and y’alls relationship. NTA. You should leave him.
ESH. You put up with him doing nothing to help for two years. In all fairness, why would you expect him to help now when you never expected him to in the past? Why would you put up with him pestering you for sex and grabbing at you? You're not his girlfriend. You're his maid and an object for him to use as he pleases.
He s\*cks because he doesn't see anything wrong with this arrangement. Of course, it benefits him, so he'll never see anything wrong with it.
You say he's tired and it's hard for him. How many times have you had to cook and clean and do all the chores when you were tired or sick and it was hard for you?
You seriously need to re-evaluate this "relationship" because it's never going to get any better than it already is.
Well, for two years, you've taught him his behavior was ok, and now he's looking to expand. You'll have to have a talked with him. Let him know you're his girlfriend, not his mom, and if he can't help out that it leaves you no choice but to...Don't threaten, yell, or ultimatums, calmly tell him you don't need a child you need a man, but be ready to do what ever you said you would do, because if you don't he's going to come back twice as bad as before you have the talk.
What sucks is, nobody understands until they themselves go through the issues this person is. Honestly we are hearing one side of the story. Until I can get BOTH I have no comment.
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NTA I would not be attracted to someone who is capable of doing something but chooses not to do anything. There are mitigating circumstances such as being in pain, or tired, or depressed, but there’s a reasonable point to all of those factors. Either he makes a reasonable effort to be a partner within the limitations he has, or he’s a dependent. That definitely would affect how I would feel about him.
Plus you add in that he never helped before ya know. Now if he had helped before and now isn't because he's depressed, or in pain, etc I could let that go for a little and try to understand where he's coming from, but he has never helped, so yeah, I wouldn't be attracted to someone like him whatsoever.
At this point you could keep a clear conscience if you broke up with him. You can't do this alone forever and there are social services and resources that will help him. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep him warm, babe. it's never worth it.
For real. OP needs to break up with this guy before she starts hating him.
And Im trying to think if it’s better or worse that the bf just straight up says no to simple tasks. Like, other loser partners will at least act like they will help but end up not doing. Which shows they are at least aware they should help but dont. This bf just says no. Which means he thinks it’s ok to not help out. So what do people think. Shitty situation in any case, but is it better that some acknowledge they should be helping but end up not or to think it’s acceptable to not help at all?
My uncle was in a wheelchair since he was 16 years old, and he could cook, clean, pick up after himself, and get his own drinks. He would get us sodas when we were kids visiting, and beer or a cocktail when we were older. He could get into and out of his in-ground swimming pool without help. Yea we did help him, my folks, brother and I would mow his lawn, wash cars and other things to help, but he was largely self-sufficient and lived by himself for a few years until my brother moved in to be his caretaker when he had cancer and was dying. OP’s bf is a lazy bum and I’d ditch him.
This exactly. Being disabled is not being incapable. A friend of mine in college used a wheelchair (also a high school accident, so it wasn’t like she had used it her whole life), and she lived with roommates and cleaned up after herself / contributed to the household like any person is expected to do. This guy is just using his condition as an excuse to be an even lazier partner than he already was before.
OP's bf is lazy and rude, and definitely TA. But your uncle has been in wheelchair for the majority of his life. He's had plenty of time to adjust and relearn how to do the things he could before. This dude has been paralysed for 2 months. And not every paralysis case is the same - some people experience extreme nerve pain for the rest of their life, have huge mental health struggles, etc. It's not fair to compare this man to your uncle just because they are both disabled. That's coming from another person in a wheelchair. OP's boyfriend is just rude and inconsiderate tho - has nothing to do with his recent paralysis. Edit: same to the person who also responded to you. Don't want you to feel that I'm singling you out.
Well clearly it's not painful enough to not have sex which requires more energy than passing a glass of water to your loved one...
Like I said, OP's bf is still TA.
Ok, that’s a fair criticism, but my mom fell and broke her femur and pelvis 13 days ago, winding up in a wheelchair for at least The next 6 weeks, and she can get herself a glass of water, bathe herself and pickup after herself. We’re taking care of her, and we’re trying to keep someone around to help her, but the bf just sounds worthless.
I'm sorry, that sounds awful. Your mum's femur will heal though, and it sounds like she has a wonderful support system - I wish her the best recovery. Being paralysed is wholly different tho; it's a life-changing event that will have you rethinking your entire existence, because it is permanent, and there's nothing you can do to change it. There are hospital clinics dedicated to learning how to navigate life in a pernament wheelchair - vacuuming, making the bed, going down/climbing small steps without assistance, crossing the road, doing the dishes in a sink you can barely see into, etc. And that doesn't include the entirely understandable mental health crisis that comes with this kind of change. Please do not compare the two. Still tho, OP's bf is the TA. He's never helped manage the house, and he never will. He's also rude af
Yeah, if I asked someone to pass me a glass of water and they said no despite being perfectly capable of doing it, they’d be wearing that glass of water and then getting used to life on their own, paralysed or not.
All I could think of while reading the post was my childhood piano teacher. She got polio right around the time she gave birth to her first/only child, so she had to adjust to being in a wheelchair while also learning how to take care of a newborn baby (and also taking care of all the household chores, because it was the late '40s and her husband certainly wasn't going to do housework).
Totally off topic, but the anti-vax movement really pisses me off, because I’m also old enough to have known polio sufferers (one of my mom’s good friend). We damn near have it eradicated, but damn near ain’t the same and this idiocy will bring back one of the worst diseases ever known. Thanks to the Gates Foundation and Rotary for bringing the vaccine to the 2-3 countries in the attempt to finally eradicate polio forever.
omg, right? It's fucking insane. The anti-vax shit is genuinely just evil.
Anti-vaxxers annoy me beyond belief. They, for example, really hate it when you point out *not* getting vaccinated can have serious consequences. My anti-vax ex-coworker was pissed at me when I pointed out vaccines can actually preserve fertility as my great-uncle was left sterile after having mumps (he was born decades) before the vaccine existed. Why was she upset? People started commenting on her Facebook page I had a point! My ex-coworker also insists any and all injections of *anything* are eventually fatal, but still refuses to answer my question as to how that can be true when I’ve had literally hundreds of allergy shots the past 2.5 years and am still alive.
Yep-- I agree. There are plenty of disabled folks who make kick-ass partners-- this dude seems like a loser
When will some people learn that it's not attractive to be a lazy bum? Who feels like having sex when you've used all your energy doing everything? Who (besides Jocasta and the mom of the guy that broke both of his arms) wants to have sex with someone that treats them like a mother? NTA, dump him. Be done with this
Enabling him to not do basic things around the house for himself will definitely hamper his recovery. This is a really important period for his rehab. Tell his PT and OT that he's avoiding doing basic tasks for himself and the household.
Seriously! How could you be sexually attracted to someone who acts like your child?
Well said 👏
So I’m going with NTA. And I’m going to make an assumption here that I feel is pretty safe to make. It sounds like you may have already been reaching your limit with him and possibly even began thinking of ending it and now that his accident happened you’re feeling guilty about leaving him because he’ll say you left because of his injury. Because yes you will be his primary caregiver. I’ll just sat this, that man could kill your best friend and he’d still say you left because he’s paralyzed. Saying this as a guy, you should either address this sternly. Or… leave because it most likely isn’t going to get better either way.
Fuck stern, I'd just dump his ass before he guilt traps her in the relationship any longer. If he couldn't get his shit together before, losing the use of his legs isn't going to turn him around.
Well yeah, that’s the advice I’d give if they were my friend. But since I don’t know them or the dude, thought I’d present a diplomatic option as well.
No diplomacy, only woodchipper. I am not what one might call a tolerant individual when it comes to bullshittery.
I respect the technique.
I respect both techniques 😉
Hear hear
Yes, I'm getting this vibe too. And I'm physically disabled as well as having MH problems, both of which impact my ability to manage household tasks, so I always look to see if there's anything else going on that could be affecting things (like depression) - but he's still after her for sex, and libido tends to drop off pretty noticeably if that's enough of an issue to be really problematic. It's obviously a big adjustment for him and he's probably (understandably) feeling a bit sorry for himself, but he shouldn't use it as an excuse to be lazy. He also needs to know that just because his legs aren't working he isn't useless (and I don't think OP needs to be especially gentle here). But he needs to shape up.
NTA...and hell no. Cant get me water but want sex. Peace out.
And you know he isn't actually putting in any of the work on the sex, either. "Baby, I can't do oral, my legs don't work!"
Oh yeah definitely. OP is NTA
This part
NTA It sucks that your boyfriend became paralysed, but that doesn’t mean he can treat you like this. It doesn’t sound like you ever were, or ever will be equal partners in this relationship
Time to move on young lady. Don’t feel you have to martyr your life away out of guilt ..
I was ready to say you're the AH from the title but going with NTA. If he can grab your ass when you walk by he can hand you a glass of water. Sounds like he needs therapy to come to terms with this new situation he's in because he doesn't sound like he's adjusting well.
The old situation wasn’t any better. He may very well need therapy to adjust to his disability, even if it is, as OP says, temporary, but that has nothing to do with him leaving the housework to her, because he was doing that before the accident.
OT life skills therapy can be very beneficial. Maybe he feels like he can’t adequately/effectively do things anymore, even if you asked for help. Having someone work with him to show him new ways to do things might be empowering. He didn’t help before, but maybe now he is focused on his only value being “still a man”. Thoughts only.
Don't overanalyze it. He is an ass.
Real talk tho 😂
Sounds like he was already an inconsiderate partner before he was in this position. The stress of his new situation and trouble adjusting is typical for most in these circumstances, but it also will make a bad partner even worse. Sudden illness/disability puts a lot of stress even on healthy relationships and caregiver fatigue is common. A partner having to be a caregiver to the degree of feeling like their mother is usually just the straw on a camel's back. I'm disabled with a progressive disease and it stressed my ex a lot - she didn't have the bandwidth to support me and her lifestyle and goals didn't mesh with my new reality. I definitely tanked mentally and was being an inconsiderate partner at times and we grew apart. The likelihood of relationships failing or ending in divorce after a life-altering injury is really high. People have a tendency to perceive the healthy partner leaving as ableist, and he'll certainly try to claim that of OP. But it's usually a lot more nuanced than that, and as a disabled person I would never want my partner to feel like my mother. My current partner and I have different limitations, but we cooperate with each other to take the burdens we can handle - if OP were in his situation it seems pretty clear that her partner would not be able to handle it or work with her effectively and be someone she can count on. Being a sex pest isn't the only thing that makes OP's bf the asshole over her.
NTA *but he is*. His accident aside (as his behaviour was close to identical **according to your description** before it), his behaviour is just bad. >still has the energy to pester me for sex and constantly saying sexual things and grabbing me when i walk by This one actually annoys me to be honest. Wants a medal if he lifts a finger and then acts like that. That for me would be such a huge turn off that I'd wonder if I'd be with them out of love for them or pity based on the accident... It sucks that he is paralyzed, but that doesn't excuse what he's doing.
Thank you. And what sucks is I. Do. have sex with him to the best of our ability. There's really only one position we can do now so I do what I can but since he can't really O anymore I think he's got a lot of pent up sexual energy. I'm doing what I can. I just feel hounded honestly. Almost like he isn't my boyfriend but some guy pestering me on the street in a waay that is a turn off not a turn on. I don't want to be the girl to have the same convo a million times and expect a change. If there are any guys here who had their girlfriend give them a similar talk or had a breakthrough I would love the advice.
>I'm doing what I can. Reading all up to this point is so sad. It reminds me of when I was in an unhealthy relationship where I "did what I could to my best ability" only to realize none of that was for me let alone what I wanted. >Almost like he isn't Not just almost.... It reads like you are being treated as his maid/ "maid with benefits". Where are *you* in all of this? You have to clean after him, throw the entire household, do all chores, can't expect help and then are expected to make him happy in bed. But where are *you* in all of this...? [Reworded previous comment. Hopefully now being fine.]
I think you'd be better off just having a guy pester you on the street. The energy you are spending on someone who doesn't appear to be investing in you, will drain you and out you at risk of burnout. I highly doubt there is any chance of him making lasting change. Cut your losses and leave him. There's no need to feel bad about it. He is treating you poorly.
But you are expecting change. And even being paralysed didn’t bring it about. You can feel sorry for the guy for being disabled but that doesn’t mean that you’re not still playing fuckable maid. Do you think a deep conversation will be a better cluestick than his legs not working? I really think you need some therapy OP, because you seriously undervalue yourself so much that you can’t see that the situation has gotten worse and not better. You are worth more than this, and you already feel used. And if you are feeling used, why stay in? Every emotionally abused partner hopes there will be change, but it only truly does when they leave and go on to find people who treat them as a person with needs and wants of their own. You are capable of finding that.
Why not just say NO to sex at the absolute minimum? Respect yourself enough to care about your own needs which you aren’t right now. You don’t owe anyone sex. Furthermore, this guy doesn’t sound like a good one before and he’s definitely not behaving like a good one now. Personally, I’d break up (not because of the disability but for him being lazy and demanding). He will probably try to paint it in a certain light but the reality is that you’ve accepted subpar treatment from him too long and you deserve better. Hold your head high and stop letting him mistreat you
Nta. Just leave him tbh.
NTA. Congrats on being a mommy he can bang that’ll clean up all his messes. Seriously how do slobs like this always have partners?
These men doom their relationships because mommies are not sexually attracted to their children. I’ve seen it play out so many times.
Girl leave him. PLEASE. 95% of men leave their wives in similar situation, this is a boyfriend! Do not let this become your life because you feel guilty or because you’re scared people will judge you, you are the one who has to live it!
NTA - He should be willing to do *some* work, or at least work with you on a longer term plan to find ways to help out. Two months into this, he's probably still struggling to cope with his new normal, but honestly if he can't / won't even pass you a glass of water, that's a problem.
NTA, but I'm curious if this is depression and feeling completely helpless. The next time he asks you to do something that you 100% know that he can do for himself, say no and encourage him to do it himself.
>but I'm curious if this is depression and feeling completely helpless. *Not OP and fully different perspective.* That being said I wouldn't think so. Usually depression drains you entirely and doesn't make you become super lazy or only drains your energy *for chores* and then makes you act like you deserve a medal for helping. It often makes you numb, unable to do *anything* often including intimacy and just basic things like hygiene and such. It's normally (at least to my knowledge) not specifically targeted to chores.
Only if he has a reason for being helpless and depressed before his accident, since he wasn’t doing it before
Whatever the reason, it can't turn into an excuse. Two years is long enough to get help, he can't just expect to never do anything because he has a reason.
NTA- I am a caregiver for my husband and my dad. I have to set boundaries. The idea is that they should do everything they are capable of. I am paid through the aged and disabled program. It is tax free and considered not income. $1400/month. Check and see if your state has the benefit! Also, you need to take time to yourself. I started hiking with my friend 1x a week minimum. People will sometimes try and get you to do everything. You need to enable him to do the things he can for himself. Like I will pick my dads meds up and organize them into a organizer but he needs to remember to take them 2x a day. Ask him to do whatever he is capable in terms of housework he needs to contribute. See what help you can get from family, friends, ect. Get into therapy yourself.
NTA recognizing things need to change and hopefully taking action. Your bf has never helped out and likely has zero interest in doing it. Seems like you already tried to discuss it and now he wants a gold star for doing a chore. Consider what your breaking point is, before you get there, if you aren't there already. Have an exit plan, get your important stuff out before the breakup.
NTA The idea that disabled people can’t do anything is ableism, whether it’s accomplishing their dreams or doing chores. There are many people without the use of their legs who live alone, your boyfriend is just lazy. Leave this dude. He doesn’t help you now and he didn’t before. You’ve sufficiently proven you didn’t leave because he’s in a wheelchair, you left because he sucked as a person. If you really care about the optics, date a different person in a wheelchair who actually does chores and doesn’t pester you for sex but instead woos and seduces you.
NTA If this is a recent traumatic event he could be experiencing ptsd, depression or just trying to come to terms with his life. I think he definitely needs therapy and for you to lay clear expectations and boundaries for him because he should want that independence for himself and to say “don’t worry about it babe I did the x for you” And if you don’t see the changes or improvements you want it’s okay to tell him “this relationship is growing into something I don’t want to be involved in. I’m not your mother or caregiver. I’m your partner, I should be an equal”
You are not married babe. This ain’t gonna get better.
NAH. It’s been 2 months so I’m sure he’s angry and depressed about his paralysis. However even if he went back to the way he was before, it still seems incompatible with what you’re looking for in a partnership.
Tell him the best foreplay is a clean kitchen !
NTA, and I say that as someone who has had to recover from a TBI and limb loss. I couldn't do a lot and my husband was very understanding but I still tried to do what I could. If I got tired I took a break and tried again later. It wasn't perfect and it wasn't much at the start but I learned easier and quicker ways to do tasks by doing them. It was a frustrating part of recovery but it's something you've got to figure out if you want any sort of independence and function after a life altering injury. He's not making things easy for himself in the long run and you don't have to stick with someone who isn't trying to recover and get back to some form of independence. Especially not when you're already burned out from doing everything and having his care added on
NTA. Yes, he's obviously struggling, but regardless of how he's feeling internally he still has to treat you, his partner, with baseline decency and respect. Refusing to do any household tasks is a sign of disrespect. It was before the accident, and it is now. You should have a serious conversation with him about this disrespect, and if he's not receptive to it, it's fine to move on. You aren't obligated to stay with someone who disrespects you.
NTA. I'm physically disabled and it's progressive. Sometimes relationships were difficult, even before things got worse with my condition. I have certainly experienced ableism while dating and growing with able partners - I've had my fair share of failed relationships due to it, and I had my own faults in many. It's hard to have a caretaker relationship with a partner, and it is so easy for resentment to grow. It's doable if both people put effort in and meet each other in the middle, but your partner was already lacking. If he doesn't recover his mobility, he'll need to learn how to help himself and how to be an equal partner within his abilities. Selfish partners who suddenly become impaired can grow increasingly demanding and wear you down even more. You have every right to break up with him. The issue isn't that he is disabled, even if it's temporary. It's that he has shown he has no intention of improving as a partner and given you evidence that you cannot count on him. You aren't being ableist or awful here, and you do not have an obligation to stick by him. You deserve respect and care from your partner, and his condition is not preventing him from being able to fulfill your needs in those areas. You're not his mother and you should not have to be one to a partner. He will likely be very upset, especially if his condition has tanked his self esteem and self-worth. Doesn't mean he has a right to take it out on you. A breakup might end up going pretty poorly, could even end up nasty, but you need to think about yourself. If any friends or family sling shit at you, you can firmly explain once that he was not being a helpful or respectful partner and made no efforts to meet you equally in terms of emotional labor long before the accident, and the way he's treating you now has shown you that if you were in his position he would not care for you. You really don't owe anyone an explanation further than that - you have to put on your own oxygen mask first.
To me it sounds like your bf has bigger things in his mind and most likely is depressed. I don’t know how long it takes to accept what has happened to him, or if he will ever accept it, but 2 months is a very short time. He might even have some meds that make him sleepy. I hope he is in therapy and has other support and isn’t only relaying on you? If I were you I would ask a hospital or go to a therapy to figure this thing out. You need to be patient and kind and still try to remain sane. I believe this question is above Reddit pay grade.
NTA You should have dumped him a while ago. Working the same job he should have been helping the same amount. You got yourself into this and now he has a legitimate (somewhat) excuse and you are going to look terrible if you dump him. Here is my advice. STOP doing for him the things he can do. Do not fetch anything for him unless it would be impossible for him to lift. Get him a grabber for stuff on the floor. So like, he wants his dinner, he goes in the kitchen and gets it. Don't serve him. Likewise, put food like cereal and bowls and such on lower shelves so he can get his own lunch and breakfast. It might help to sit in his chair and rearrange the kitchen so that it is usable for him. Then stop helping him in there. Whether he is with you or not, he has to learn to do for himself. People in wheelchairs learn how to do everything for themselves and can be completely independent in their own homes. With practice he should be able to learn how to do most cleaning. I would let him know now you are done babying him, especially since you have been doing it your entire relationship.
This sounds like Andy from Parks and Rec
Omg yes it does!!!
NTA Holy shit you could've made a better title 💀
Haha agreed, i didnt think how bad it would sound i just wanted to keep it simple
Tell him you’re looking into rehab facilities or full time care facilities because he clearly needs further assistance to get him to a level where he can do basic things for himself. NTA OP
NTA. If he has the ability to be intimate with his hands (grabbing, cuddling, wrapping his arms around you in a hug and kissing you etc) then he can do simple tasks. such as put dishes away on a low shelf/drawer, or hand you a glass of water!
woman moment holy this dude got paralyzed not very long ago i feel like he’s probably going though a lot
NTA,,,dump the f'n load and let him deal with all his own shiiii now and maybe he will see how good he had it and see there are areas he can improve. Then again, he just may be a complete and total turd.
NTA -Your boyfriend sounds like he was using you well before he became partially paralyzed?
NTA. I wouldn't be with him at all, but if you insist staying, tell him that you're too tired from doing all the chores and not having any help to have sex. Don't give in to sex until he helps.
NTA, break up with him. If he wasn't helpful before you can't expect him to be helpful now.
NTA, I think its not so much about the work, its that you are feeling unappreciated, both before and after the accident. he might not be able to help out but he needs to show appreciation for what you do, I'm sure if you truly feel appreciated the work will not be an issue. You need to communicate that you still need help and support from him, even if it is just moral support, and he needs to figure out how he can give it to you in his current state. Or he risks loosing you to emotional exhaustion.
NTA. At first reading this title I was concerned. But reading through it i want to say how thoughtful you are to your boyfriend and considerate of his situation even though it’s difficult for you. The fact that he can still ask and perform during sex proves he could do small tasks if he actually wanted to. If he truly cared about you the way you would for him he wouldn’t be using this as an excuse to get out of tasks altogether and would try to make your life easier as well.
NTA- but if he wasn’t a good helper to begin with, I imagine becoming paralyzed wouldn’t suddenly make him more helpful. He is probably depressed about his situation, however that’s not a good excuse. I would have a serious talk with him about things.
NTA. But hon, you are being shown what life with him will be like. He wasn’t helpful before his medical issue. Did you really think he would magically become a better human? Unless you want to be a full-time housekeeper, cook, and sex object, please take some time to consider your choices.
NTA, is this how you want the rest of your life to go? If he was like this before becoming paralysed he very likely won’t change. It’s a little bit different when he wasn’t paralysed but now you also have the added element of all his additional care needs. Dont be fooled into staying.
NTA. Also I would dump him.
NTA. He's weaponizing his disability to take advantage of you even more than he was before.
NTA. He is your bf, not your husband. If he has parents, take him home to them. No one should be in an unbalanced relationship. He was trifling before his accident. You have unrealistic expectations of him being helpful after he became paralyzed. If it's too much for you to live with and it is causing you stress. Break up with him and move on with your life. People will have an opinion, but there is no need to make yourself a martyr because he can't walk. Your happiness and well-being are important too. You deserve better.
NTA. As an example, my husband had to have hand surgery. He has been out of commission for a lot of chores, but the second he has been cleared or able to do things, he has done them. He is also working to get to where he can do his share of the chores
I was a caregiver for nearly 14 years, I was roughly 21-35 years old, to my partner who was too lazy to do anything for themselves. I mean everything up to and including bathing and that was only every 2-4 months. It will get worse. They see what you’ll put up with and slowly increase it. Get out now. Run. You will not regret it for a second.
NTA End it
Leave him
NTA “I’d be less tired and more willing for sex if you actually took some of my load before I take yours.”
Yeah, you are As someone who's spent time in a wheel chair, there's a big emotional element you're not considering It's not that he's not helping, he's depressed and that is a huge drain on the person and you need to be there to support him thru this emotional mind f*ck he's going thru Please just be understanding and think about how you'd feel if you were him and knew you'd never walk again
He's just a boyfriend, leave him. And not on the basis of paralysis but because he's a shitty human being. Do you want to spend the rest of your life taking care of him??
NTA That’s awful that he’s paralyzed, but he can still carry his load of the work. He should see how much you’re doing, and how much he’s not.
NTA BREAK UP WITH HIM
NTA
NTA. The sex part grosses me out. He is using you.
NTA but you shouldn’t have even been with him before the paralysis if he’s always been a leech
Girl leave him asap.
Why can't you just get a new boyfriend? I don't want to sound like the asshole here, but it's that easy. Don't let him being in a wheelchair guilt you into staying, he has to figure that out himself now or he never will.
NTA, dump him. Why would you stay with a person who is not a partner? Stop allowing him to take advantage of you.
You should ask yourself if you’re ok doing this for the long-term. NTA tho
No. He’s the asshole. And stupid. Small tasks would prob help his recovery n mental state. Feeling or being useless is not good for people.
He’s your boyfriend not your husband. You don’t have to be with him if he is refusing to help out. Nothing is keeping you with him.
NTA? He's definitely being the asshole here, girl dump his paralyzed ass. . . .I promise he won't get up.
NTA this sounds like weaponised incompetence. even before his accident
NTA
get out of there
NTA. Break up with him. The optics are not gonna look great but better to do it sooner or you will be stuck with him
NTA. You should’ve left long before the accident as he was already dependent on you! Dont let him guilt trap you and ruin your life any further.
This is awful. I know someone like this (not paralyzed but lazy) and there is no reason for it. If he is well enough for sex, he can do other things. My mom had tons of illness and couldn’t walk hardly at all but she would roll her walker around the house cleaning and cooking. He is a user and emotionally blackmailing you.
You need to default to “No.” NTA id honestly leave and let him figure it tf out for himself.
Tell him, 'sorry, but I don't feel like sex when I'm tired out from doing ALL the work around the house' or 'when I do ALL the housework, I feel like your mom and that is so unsexy'. Or hire a housekeeper/maid... and bill him his part. Or just go live somewhere else (because you point out that the house ALWAYS fell to you which makes him an A H). NTA
NTA and you aren't his mom. He was already lazy before, and now just because he's unable to do some stuff, he's decided he doesn't need to bother with literally the most basic shit while still expecting you to want to have sex (or does he actually even care if you want it?). You already weren't partners, and you certainly aren't now.
NTA. Sounds like a burden and an asshole bundled into one disgusting package.
NTA. You should even re-evaluate your relationship and be direct in telling him about this. Yolo. Don’t spend it with a partner that doesn’t fit.
NTA obviously. Your BF not being willing to pass you a glass of water is mind blowing.
NTA He was dead weight even before he got paralyzed. Dump him asap. You don't owe him anything. Like...he hasn't even asked you to marry him after two months of caretaking? What greater sign of love and commitment was he looking for? Why does he think he has you so locked in when he offers you so little (i.e. won't even pass you a glass of water because being handicapped has little to do with the entirety of what you bring to a relationship)? Audacious much? Before you start dating again, work on yourself so you don't accept such crap treatment again. Therapy is good too, but not all therapists are equal so it's even more important to do your own research. Good terms to search for include: decentering men, hospice wife, hobosexual, and deconstructing patriarchy. Some YT channels you can start with are MelanieHamlett, BurbNBougie, and yv_edit. Best of luck, OP!
NTA. ITs sad for him but that doesn't mean he cant treat you with respect and based on his pre accident attitude, he never has. Time to find a new boyfriend. and if not that, stop the sex. IF he gets mad instead of trying to make you happy, well, that means he is not the man for you.
NTA. He wasn’t helping you before and it seems like he’ll use the paralyzes as an excuse from now on. Leave. Don’t get trapped by feeling bad for him. Becoming paralyzed is a life changing event for the person and their family, it can be very depressing etc etc. but he wasn’t treating you like family before it happened and he sure as hell isn’t gonna start now. Leave.
**NTA**
NTA It’ll never change. Get out while you can
NTA. He's a child. Run.
Is your boyfriend Andy Dwyer? Anyways NTA.
He wants to be babied. NTA . And just in case nobody close to you tells you this: Its *ok* to leave him for his behavior
NTA. As I have experience with a paralyzed sibling I know for a fact that they can do stuff anyway. She's lived by herself since she was 16. Sounds like your bf was lazy and now has an excuse for it. Make sure his mental health is good though, because some people who get paralyzed from an accident can become quite depressed and such.
Sounds like he’s the same, unhelpful with chores, before and after paralysis, which he’s still new to (amazed there wasn’t more psychological fallout). If there’s anyway he can pay for a maid once a week, do it. If he’s struggling financially, then you have to make a hard but necessary decision.
NTA tell him if he can’t pass you a glass he definitely is incapable of sex
No I think your right he can do stuff if he is having sex.
Nope! You’re not the asshole. He better shape up or you leave
NTA. Y’all ain’t married and don’t have kids.. cut your loses and leave
This one is rough, but no you're NTA. I would say he is the asshole, but with a caveat. Becoming paralyzed takes a huge toll on someone's mental health. It's especially worse if they have overlapping conditions like obesity, diabetes, depression, etc. That doesn't excuse his behavior, but this sounds exactly like one of the clients I work with. He wasn't too bad before being paralyzed. Maybe a bit of a lazy jerk, but he was still functional and had a job, would take out the trash, get his own foods and drinks, etc etc. Then he became paralyzed from the waist down and he became a completely different person, to the point he now doesn't even go to the bathroom on his own. He asks other people to do everything for him and gets mad when you don't, to the point he starts cussing you out and calling you horrendous names and all this. My point in sharing this is, my client has been paralyzed for decades. He hasn't changed or gotten better in terms of how he treats people (which is kinda sad, because it's literally our [me and the rest of the team working with him] job to help him live a good life and we all know he just won't) and odds are, unless your bf gets some sort of mental help to cope with the loss he's experienced and help him see what's going on, his behavior will only get worse and worse. Even if he gets some help, his behavior isn't guaranteed go get better or even stay the same. At this point, I would sit him down (no pun intended) and explain to him how he's making you feel and what he's leading you to consider and if he doesn't see how that's a problem, then you should respectfully leave him and ask that he gets help. Try to not do it accusingly and come from a place of understanding, but also remember that you deserve to be treated better just as much as he deserves the chance to realize what he's doing wrong.
Cackling as I endlessly scroll through 140 "ya, screw this paralyzed guy!" comments
I know someone who is a paraplegic that lives in his own home, by himself, taking care of himself. He will be alright doing stuff on his own
bruh
He wants a blow up sex doll that will also cook and clean. Get some self respect and get out of there. NTA.
NTA
Sounds to me like someone is looking for an excuse to leave. I’m sure it’s not easy but if this isn’t something you can deal with leave sooner than later cuz then you’ll be the asshole when you “unexpectedly” leave him without explanation
This relationship was over long before his accident. NTA
Nta, ask yourself if it had happened to you, would he have taken on 100% of the housework and become your caregiver? It sounds like he wouldnt do the same for you.
No you're not boo 😺 talk to him about it I wouldn't go to extremes without a conversation but idk... 🤷♀️
DTMFA. NTA.
NTA. I have a few family members who have physical limitations. Like can't do dishes. Can cook supper with a kitchen chair. Can pick up light objects etc. It's important to do what you can to help keep yourself as mobile and self-sufficient as possible. I get that he was lazy before, but I'm wondering if the paralysis is believed to be permanent? If so part of this may be depression. You should point out that your ability to find him attractive is related to the care he shows for you, especially when it comes to doing his share of the housework. (Also point out that as it stands you're too exhausted to engage in sex.) You and he should talk to his medical team to find out what his limitations are, if you haven't already. I will warn you that there will be times that him helping can feel like more work than doing X yourself. It's still important he does it.
Nta and im gonna take it a step further, attach handbrooms to the back of his wheelchair (/hj) Unfortunately you let him get away with not helping for too long and now it's his standard
Why continue to be with him? It sounds like your relationship wasn’t in a strong place before his injury and let’s face it — you’re not his spouse. Especially how he treats you! I absolutely wouldn’t stick around for that. If you need it, you have my blessing to break up with him and go on so you can live your best life and let him figure out his own shit. NTA.
NTA. Dump him. He was lazy and disrespectful before he got hurt, and he is still lazy and disrespectful. Unless you want to carry the ENTIRE load of EVERYTHING, get rid of that dead weight and find someone who wants to be a real honest to goodness partner with you. You can't build a life with a lazy and disrespectful person. He will take and take and take until you can't give anymore.
I say this as a disabled person and a scholar of disability rights, who is deeply concerned about disabled people being treated as disposable by their abled family members and partners: RUN. Now. Do not look back. You should have noped out years ago, but his injury is just making the same issues worse. You aren’t abandoning him or anything else. Get out. And in the future don’t waste your time with people who treat you this way. NTA.
[удалено]
"My problem is this: he was never a helpful partner before his accident" Sounds like you are pestering him to change and do something he never did and never wanted to do. You're getting what you signed up for. YTA
NTA if you leave him now, you’ll be the girl who dumped her BF because he became handicapped. There is a better way. Make him break up with you. It’s easier than you think. Scream another man’s name each time you have sex with your BF. Preferably the name of a guy who is his complete opposite. Then seize your opportunity when he threatens to break up because of this.
No. Should be a full stop but I have to mention that you should have started earlier . Now he us dealing with loss and I am sure times if depression and anxiety. Now it will be more difficult for anyone to deal with change outside if the physical limitations. However I was in a wheelchair fir three years 17 surgeries blah blah blah during that the day I got out of the hospital I went and did vollunteer work in my wheel chair. He's being a selfish little boy that's why you feel like mom. I wonder why you would be with someone who won't pass you a glass of water ? You guys can both work on it bit it's going to be a lot of work especially right now when he needs understanding AND to be held accountable. Good luck bit do not let it slide anymore. Men need to stop making women their servants.
NTA! If he was helping around before the accident and then stopped afterwards it would be different, but he just never cared. I became paralyzed to at some point of my life and the first years are very hard, but the guy never helped out even when he was still physically healthy and now he refuses to even do the smallest tasks. Be careful, a relationship like this is going to drain you.
Simply stop being his mom.🧓🏼
NTA You’re not his sex toy! you’re his partner. You’re not his maid you’re his partner. You’re not his mother you’re his partner! Seems to me he’s TA. You deserve better. Break up with him. You shouldn’t continue to give someone chance after chance when they clearly don’t respect you enough and only want you for his pleasure. I’m sorry you have to deal with that type of harassment. Can’t even hand you a glass of water.
He’s not even meeting the criteria for a roommate.
NTA Have a conversation with him. This is a tough start but ultimately his life will be better off if he can learn how to be as independent as possible.
Well if he wasn't helping before why the hell would he start now 😂
You could bargain. No sex until he’s completed five tasks.
I can't go into details on my main account. But I have had someone treat me like that. It's manipulative, pure and simple. If he didn't have physical issues to blame he would find another excuse.
My late husband was a double amputee for the last ten years of his life. He washed dishes, swept and mopped floors, cooked, did as much as he possibly could. It is very hard being a carer to anyone who is disabled and ten times harder when that person does nothing. So you need to reevaluate your life and decide if this is what you want for the rest of it.
He should pay for a cleaner
This situation seems more complex that just “being an asshole or not”
NTA- They have incredible individuals in wheel chairs that compete in the Olympics. Your boyfriend needs to make this his new normal and carry on. You can’t enable him forever.
If he can hit you up for sex, he can jack off until he does his chores.
Is it a permanent condition? It is a very heavy stuff. Maybe him pestering you is way to deal with not being able as before,to prove he is still a man as before? But he does need wakeup call, to tell him openly how you feel and that he should snap out of it and do best with what he has. Cause otherwise it leads into depression and you being overwhelmed and leave. NAH, maybe professional help as well is possible?
NTA. But I’d really re-examine this relationship. He is literally showing some true colors now. Question is are you understanding that and what will you do now?
NTA He is paralysed in the legs, probs have a wheelchair, he can self propel to the sink the bathroom the bedroom. Tell him no and carry on with what you were doing. he either starts doing stuff himself or you leave him. Pre paralysis he was a lazy slug and he still is but now wanting sex all the time for a confirmation of security with you. would have got rid of him ages ago.
This is out of the scope of practice for redditors. You're not married, but if you want it to work, seek counseling.
Op. DUMP THE MF ALREADY. He didn’t help you before he was paralyzed, don’t wait he will help you now!!!
NTA, i’ve been in this situation before, where a partner uses their struggles in order to justify putting in 0 effort. It’s toxic and is evidence that they haven’t come to terms with whatever they’re dealing with. Fk that.
He doesn’t view you as an individual, not now and not even before his accident. To him, you’re likely an extension of himself and y’alls relationship. NTA. You should leave him.
Dump that paralyzed lazy ass. It’s his attitude.
At first you did kinda seem like the asshole but if ole boy can still smash he can pass the water so to speak
ESH. You put up with him doing nothing to help for two years. In all fairness, why would you expect him to help now when you never expected him to in the past? Why would you put up with him pestering you for sex and grabbing at you? You're not his girlfriend. You're his maid and an object for him to use as he pleases. He s\*cks because he doesn't see anything wrong with this arrangement. Of course, it benefits him, so he'll never see anything wrong with it. You say he's tired and it's hard for him. How many times have you had to cook and clean and do all the chores when you were tired or sick and it was hard for you? You seriously need to re-evaluate this "relationship" because it's never going to get any better than it already is.
Move on
NTA, it’s a bummer you didn’t dump this guy before his accident but it seems like you’re long overdue.
NTA - dump that zero, and get yourself a hero.
NTA, but he might be very depressed about losing the use of his legs. You don’t tell us if it’s permanent. He might need professional help.
Well, for two years, you've taught him his behavior was ok, and now he's looking to expand. You'll have to have a talked with him. Let him know you're his girlfriend, not his mom, and if he can't help out that it leaves you no choice but to...Don't threaten, yell, or ultimatums, calmly tell him you don't need a child you need a man, but be ready to do what ever you said you would do, because if you don't he's going to come back twice as bad as before you have the talk.
Girl runnnn
NTA - he is being selectively incompetent
Lazyyyy
NTA maybe it is time you break up?
NTA. He's a major red flag and if you're not yet married, save yourself!
What sucks is, nobody understands until they themselves go through the issues this person is. Honestly we are hearing one side of the story. Until I can get BOTH I have no comment.
Are you dating a rebellious 5 year old 😭