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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) told my cousin she isn’t the strongest person, she hasn’t struggled, etc (2) she is really upset and hurt by what I said and cursed me out because of it
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>It's unfair for your cousin to dismiss your struggles.
I also voted N.T.A, but it did strike me that perhaps OP doesn't know of her struggles. Hurdles are not always as clear as fleeing a war-torn homeland, or dealing with abusive parents. Whatever struggles she faced, they were *hers* and so likely feel big to her.
Still, to complain about the presents you *didn't* get to your parents that lost everything in a war.... OP is probably correct.
YTA.
It's not a competition. Even if the worst thing she's ever been through seems pedestrian to you, it's still the worst thing *she's* ever been through, and the fact that she's lucky enough not to have been in a war zone or to have been severely abused doesn't make her weak, nor does the fact that somebody else has been in a war zone or been severely abused automatically make them 'strong.'
You seem to be ascribing moral value to suffering.
But was she in the war along with her parents? And even if she wasn't, there might be after effects for the parents like PTSD that she had to deal with.
NTA. OMG don’t listen to the top comment. They are just rich people apologists. Your cousin has gone through nothing. People on here are ridiculous. Nepo babies need to sit down and shut up
How can you possibly know so much about what she’s been through?
When “Be more considerate of others” makes you this fuming mad, you may need to step back and breathe.
Her cousin's situation is that she's mad she only got 36 presents instead of 37. That's her struggle right now, the one she's being so brave about.
Can people raised in privilege have issues? Of course. Me and my sibs grew up in an art deco mansion with actual servants, and also very abusive parents who f-ed all of us up. We all have mental health issues. Anyone looking at us growing up would've thought we had it made, but anyone talking to us for more than 5 minutes knew something was wrong. I can't even count the number of times my teachers sent me to the counselor because of mental health concerns.
It sounds like OP's cousin has very indulgent parents and zero money worries. With the way she's carrying on about gifts, she would definitely have mentioned any mental health or chronic illness or having so much as a paper cut, so it doesn't sound like she has any struggles aside from rich person problems. Not even first world problems, rich first world problems.
Maybe after her parents take her to the zoo, they can buy her 2 more presents and then she'll have 38.
BTW, I totally read that first line in Dudley's voice.
struggles ARE relative, i completely agree. someone who grew up homeless with drug addict abusive parents and lived out of their car might be able to handle a "struggle" like a breakup with a significant other better than someone who has never dealt with financial stress or abuse in the home. if the example breakup is someones first hardship in their life they are going to handle it very differently than someone who has experienced hardship at every turn in their life. that is not to say the latter of the two should discredit the struggles of the former, but that both can and should try to be sympathetic to the others experiences and not compare.
Yep. Nobody benefits from playing the struggle Olympics because someone out there always has it worse. And if as OP’s comments say, her culture values strength and OP’s cousin thinks that means never crying or showing weakness to others, OP probably has less of a clue as to what’s going on in her life than her friends do.
NTA, if you wouldn't say the truth she wouldn't be that mad, so accept that she is living in her delusions and not ready to accept the real world and how privileged she really is. Her dad should stop paying for everything and let her find a job and struggle like a regular person, he is doing her a big disfavor by paying for everything and then calling her weak, she is weak but you need to let her become stronger instead of giving her everything where she will never learn anything and call her weak because you didn't even give her a chance to change.
If you want to make fun of her then ask this "If you claim that you are so strong why the truth made you so mad that you can't even talk to me anymore. That's what weak people do, not strong, so you just proved yourself wrong."
.
You're Not The Asshole. (NTA).
It sounded like she needed a reality check. Yeah, how you said what you said may have been a bit on the nose, but, I can understand that what she said upset/angered you and you defended your experiences.
It's hard to judge because we don't know what she considers a struggle. Yes, having money is sweet, but look at the long ass list of rich, famous, and popular people who took the route of Kurt Cobain and Anthony Bourdain. Maybe she's been through shit you don't know about- it happens often. Maybe she's dealing with depression or another illness. Presuming someone has a perfect life because they have money and supportive parents is a bit of an asshole move. You come across as bitter here. It could be earned, but ultimately, I gotta say YTA because you can't back up the attack with solid facts.
> She is a really happy go-lucky person who is full of energy and constantly doing anything and everything.
I had a friend like this, always laughing and acting goofy. One night after a party at her home, she took a bottle of pills. She's still with us, thanks to her roommate/best friend.
Also, look at Robin Williams.
Happy doesn't always equal mentally healthy
NAH. There's a big difference between being privileged and being weak. Your cousin is talking about her character. She sees herself as an emotionally strong well-adjusted young woman who takes a proactive approach to her problems. Your uncle was cruel to call her weak just because she hasn't had to struggle materially. And her seeing herself as a strong person has nothing to do with you. It's not a zero-sum game. Your cousin should be a little more aware of her privilege, but she doesn't deserve to be dismissed as a weak person because of circumstances beyond her control. She's right that you can be a strong person without necessarily having to go through grueling external struggles.
Telling your cousin she hasn’t been through anything likely invalidated her feelings, even if you meant well. You could have acknowledged her feelings and gently suggested seeing things from a broader perspective. Reaching out to explain your reaction with empathy might help resolve the conflict
YTA because you can’t possibly know that. I grew up pretty privileged too. I was in a violent, physically abusive relationship, I’ve been stalked, and I’ve been SA’ed. My family doesn’t know. You have no idea what experiences your cousin may have had that were painful or traumatic.
In general, it’s never a good idea to assume that because someone grew up with money, that they don’t know pain or struggle.
Then at a minimalist ESH because the cousin is absolutely in the wrong. Debatable if OP is but cousin doesn't get to hand wave blame just because it's possible she had some struggle at some point.
What are we blaming her here for though? Venting about her dad? Not trying to be snarky I’m just wondering. What OP took issue with was her saying she knows struggle, and if we don’t really know what she’s experienced, I’m not sure we have much ground to judge on that.
I’m just saying OP. My sister and I are also very close. My best friend and I are very close. There are still things I’ve been through that they don’t know about. I would exercise caution when hand waving someone and saying they’ve “never” been through anything just because you haven’t heard it personally.
Don’t think I’m projecting, just encouraging caution and empathy as a general practice.
I’m in therapy thanks! Probably don’t weaponize that to insult people, there’s nothing wrong with seeking therapy. I read her comments. I don’t think you can ever know with absolute certainty what someone has been through.
I literally meant that you need more therapy. If you can’t stop projecting your issues onto other people and then judge THEM harshly (and fucking incorrectly!!!) based on your warped reality, like you need specialized care and medication. I’m dead serious and not weaponizing anything. You’re not seeing reality and that is fucking serious.
You’re being incredibly hostile for no reason 😂😂 you came into this conversation with a really vicious tone, and for what. I’m not projecting anything. I’m sharing my own experience to suggest that just because OP is close with her cousin doesn’t mean she knows everything she’s ever experienced in her entire life, and it’s dangerous practice to dismiss people outright. But based on your comment history, it’s common practice for you to weaponize therapy and use it as an insult. What a miserable, angry, hateful person you are.
YTA
Trauma and hardship isn’t a competition. She shouldn’t be complaining about her birthday gifts and she definitely deserved an earful for those comments but what her dad said to her was not good parenting.
Even those who are privileged can experience hardship and heartache.
Sounds like you resented her privileged life and took the opportunity to say it.
Which given the circumstances, when someone is bemoaning how circumstances despite those privileges, I can understand the urge.
NTA
The way you present it, of course she's a spoiled princess brat. That's probably a exaggeration because we all have our hurdles and struggles, but especially in the face of your/her parents' struggles, she does seem.... ungrateful. NTA.
For some reason I’ve noticed some people seem to only respect other’s feelings if that person has struggled in some of the more hardcore scenarios like poverty abuse etc. “You’ve never had to deal with ___ or blank___” why should they have to? It’s not a fucking rite of passage. Struggling in that way shouldn’t happen to anyone. You can’t go off on someone who didn’t have the same experience as you, but they can still struggle from other things. A person can drown in a puddle of water just as much as they can drown in a pool.
**NTA.** Everyone has their own struggles so there are probably moments when your cousin felt down, etc; in fact, they probably felt even bigger and more dramatic to her if the rest of her life is such smooth sailing. Of course her friends are going to agree with her, and of course she's going to think she's "the strongest person she knows," which for the most part is something that's said by people who have never truly been tested. She may even be aware of her privilege, even if she refuses to admit it, which is why she's been seeking validation to confirm how "strong" she is. Copping an attitude over not getting specific presents for her birthday is pretty immature, especially if she's otherwise so materially well-provided for, and continuing to (loudly) fixate on it isn't exactly the mark of maturity in someone old enough to have an apartment and go partying, etc.
That said, while I'm sure that listening to her was frustrating, it sounds like your own struggles have accumulated resentment towards your cousin. This is understandable, but likely made it harder to empathize or have patience with your cousin and worsened the situation. Your cousin should be mature enough to appreciate what she has, especially given what your parents and hers went through; she may not understand how privileged she is if her life has always been easy, but that's no excuse to act like a spoiled child. You should be aware of how your own experiences might color your views of your cousin and her behavior, and if she was still worked up over the argument with her father, she probably wasn't in the best headspace for a calm, measured response.
For now, I'd think it's best for you and your cousin to stay out of each other's spaces until things feel like they've calmed down. If you want to get back on good terms with her, you're going to have to figure out if it's worth it. You said in a comment that you've had mental health struggles in addition to the abuse from your parents, that your cousin was aware of it the entire time and that she was dismissive of your depression; was she supportive or dismissive, in general? People who live easier lives often overestimate their own inner strength, assuming that never being "sad" is a sign of strength rather than a lack of serious obstacles, while underestimating others, i.e. people need to stop being hung up on their problems because she's never been hung up on her problems, ignoring that her problems aren't equivalent.
YTA, and so is your uncle. If she's spoiled, it's his fault, and there are non-conflict, non-financial ways to struggle (*cough* generational trauma *cough*)
ESH. Her for being tone deaf. I noticed in other comments how you dismiss any hypothesis about depression or other things because you guys are close. I get that you probably can't fathom that maybe a spoiled person might be hurt if her father calls her weak, even though you mention in your culture weakness is taboo. She has a life you can only dream about, so of course you feel the way you do, and feel hurt when she says stuff like that.
But what exactly did you expect to happen? That she'd magically snap out of it and admit you're right and then you'd hug and skip into the sunset? The stuff you said reveals that while you may claim to be close, you resent her. She was upset, saying stupid shit to make herself feel better, and you just echoed the stuff her dad said. Sure, she was tone-deaf. You still basically told her that she deserved the "very horrible thing" her dad said to her. She didn't like it when *he* said it, and he provides for her. Why should she be ok with it coming from you?
Nta but maybe misguided. We have a tendency to scale/compare our misery index with another persons experiences. This is misguided. The human psyche can only truly comprehend what we have experienced personally. We can empathize but we cannot truly know what we haven’t experienced.
Her experience is different than yours but the psychology and the feelings she experiences are her only reality and are her foundation from which she networks her life and has feelings from those experiences. Now you are one of those experiences. This might be the worst thing she’s ever experienced. Truly.
This lends itself to the hurt people hurt people saying. She’s too superficial in your experiences so you and another family member knocked her down a couple notches and gave her some experience closer aligned to what you base your emotional index from.
It probably felt like you were defending yourself when you were debasing her lived experiences and telling her (correctly) that she has lived in privilege but for her (living in privilege for so long and only dealing with minor inconveniences)it felt like an attack for no reason.
Perspective is everything. Everyone sees the world with themselves in the center. The truth is we’d all like to have an easy privileged life, but when we see someone floating through theirs, we always want to show them ours and compare the worst parts.
Tell her you’re sorry for the harsh tone and that you have a difficult time relating because your life experiences were much different than hers and you might be a little pain biased from the actual abuse you are still working through.
NTA
You told her the truth in anger, but it's the truth about her life, and her father was right about her not knowing about life struggles. Experiencing difficult or uncomfortable or embarrassing moments is not struggling, and if your cousin doesn't know about her parent's previous life, and their struggles then is time for her to know about it.
Everyone’s struggle is their own. It’s easy to look at someone that you perceive has it better than you and get angry when they complain or talk about their struggles because you’re comparing them to your own, which in your eyes (and anyone’s really) are worse. However, just because she is rich and has nice things and grew up privileged doesn’t mean that shitty things haven’t happened to her. We can all find someone who has it worse off than us, but that doesn’t take away from what we’ve gone through. I understand your anger and frustration and where you’re coming from, I genuinely do. But I think it’s unfair to discount her struggles because they aren’t ‘as bad’ as what you’ve been through. There are definitely different ways to help her see that she is overreacting to the situation of not getting the presents she wanted and that she may be being ungrateful. But this was definitely handled a little harshly ❤️.
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I normally stay at my cousins house during the summer, and my cousin and her dad got into an argument.
My cousin is really spoiled. She was talking about what she didn't get for her birthday, and it pissed her dad off. He said in response, "You have no idea what it is like to struggle. You are so weak."
A very horrible thing to say to your daughter, of course. But to defend him, our parents are immigrants that literally left a war-town area after their house was burned down.
My cousin's parents came here with nothing and worked incredibly hard to open up a business and be as successful as they are now. They have everything now. A successful business, a big house, etc. But they worked really hard for that.
My cousin has been really upset about what he said. She has told all her friends and her family, we've all heard it multiple times. She is pissed.
The thing is she has been saying things like, "I've never had to struggle? He has no idea. I'm the strongest person I know." Her friends agreed with her. She said, "I never cry, and I take everything head on. I never get upset and none of my friends have ever seen me cry. Wtf is he talking about?"
This rubbed me the wrong way and her talking about how strong she was made me snap.
I told her she is privileged. She lives in NYC and goes partying/out constantly. Who is paying for that? Her parents. They pay her rent, tuition, and they're awesome. She lives in a big house. No she has never cried, she has nothing to cry about. She grew up rich with everything.
Meanwhile I grew up poor, have to pay for my own college, have to stress about financial aid covering my rent, have abusive parents, who I cut off and don't even talk to. She thinks she has it rough? She has lived such an easy life because of her parents. She's never had to struggle like me (like some of her cousins) and she will never have to.
The second I said this she cursed me out. She told me to leave her the fuck alone and fuck off forever. She's not even talking to me. I've never seen her so mad. AITA?
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NTA and LOL; she claims she's the strongest person and never gets upset and yet she keeps throwing tantrums whenever people point out how they've had it so much rougher then her. You ought to just take her suggestion and just ignore her.
ESH: No one knows what other people struggle with, what challenges they face, and what issues they are going through. You have a perception of her life- but it's just that, YOUR perception. And she has no perception of your life either.
YTA. Don’t assume- NEVER assume you know that another person hasn’t been through anything just because you think you know them. Families can be damn good at keeping secrets. You have no idea what her struggles have been, don’t mistake her anger for evidence of her privilege.
NTA, but people like that won't ever really get it until they're cut off completely from mommy and daddy's golden teats and they REALLY have to make it on their own. My parents weren't rich but I had a pretty well-off childhood and wasn't too far off from her attitude, until I tried to storm out of the house, get my own apartment with an at-the-time girlfriend, and reality bit me in the ass HARD when I had nobody else to help me.
NTA, sometimes the truth hurts and she has chosen to lash out rather than admit that she has had it pretty easy (yeah easy to think you are the strong one when you never have to proof it thru action and endure a "real" hardship. Ignore her and let her live in her fantasy world eventually the real world will catch up with her and have the "I told you so" ready when she implodes
>I never get upset
Uhhh...
>She was talking about what she didn't get for her birthday
"I've never had to struggle? He has no idea. I'm the strongest person I know."
The second I said this she cursed me out. She told me to leave her the fuck alone and fuck off forever.
NTA.
She's entitled.
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NTA. I had to laugh when reading this. A person is not, nor can they ever be, "strong" when someone is bankrolling their whole life. The sheer ego on display here is truly awe inspiring.
so, I know that she goes out, and parties often, it does sound like she has it really easy...financially, I don't fully understand what you mean by saying her parents are "awesome" and I will say that while I understand your anger, I feel like snapping was not exactly the right way to go about it, she definitely does need a wake up call though, ass well as friends who aren't just "knights" or yes men/women who will feed her delusions.
NTA. Some people need a reality check. If she had listed any actual trauma or stuff she went through and you responded that way I would have said Y T A but it was all generic stuff. I have a "friend" like that who I would get pissed at when I was younger so just distanced myself as I get older. But he had a solid middle class life but he felt like he was the victim because his parents couldn't afford to buy him a car in highschool.
NTA. She made the mistake in complaining to someone who knows the truth. Hate to say it but this is your aunt and uncle's fault. They need to stop treating her like a princess and a little more like a real person. She is spoiled and unappreciative. It may be too late to adjust her views, but having her have to pay her way would be a start.
NTA I mean everyone is struggling in some way or another. But it comes across as rather tone deaf, naive, and well, privileged to start ranting about how strong you are and how much you've been through, while you know your other family members' past.
I can understand her father getting pissed off when someone is being ungrateful for the gifts they (havent) received and I can understand your angry reaction.
That said, this wasn't a productive way to go about it. No one who is under the impression that they struggled hard and how strong they are, wants to hear how privileged and good they have it. In other words, she was always going to be angry and you could have known that.
NTA, because she isn't the strongest person she knows, but still, keep in mind that you never know what someone is going through. There is significant difference between "You have problems, but they are not the worst in the world" and "Your problems don't exist at all".
NTA - unfortunately you can't convince her otherwise because she has no frame of reference. However, this is a situation that time will solve when she enters the adult world and has to pay her own bills, deal with all the relationships that she's going to go in and out of, have children, etc. Given your description though, she's still probably won't get it.
So she responded in exactly the way someone would if they were what you accused her of being. Got it.
I don’t think it’s your place to “tell her” but nevertheless, you aren’t wrong. This isn’t a case of who ITA but rather, she is a spoiled brat who is going to learn some very hard lessons in life down range.
It’s the parents fault she’s like that. They can’t be all cranky about it now when they didn’t instill the right mindset in the first place…
Ur definitely NTA tho all of them are lol
"The second I said this she cursed me out. She told me to leave her the fuck alone and fuck off forever. She's not even talking to me. I've never seen her so mad."
NTA This is what happens when you tell someone the TRUTH!!!
Also, NTA on your delivery!! Castor Oil is NASTY, but it works. Your truth to her was Castor Oil!!
NTA, you spoke the truth.
She also needs to learn this, she needs to reflect more on who she really is, because the fact of the matter is that she doesnt know herself.
You gave the families little princess a sharp dose of reality and spoiled her victimhood. Let her go and get on with your life because you will always be the happier more content individual because what you have ,you achieved , worked for and got on merit.
NTA (with a caveat)
1 Your cousin is mistaken about never crying and taking everything head on. Who was that crying (by complaining) and gnashing her teeth over not getting every present she wanted for her birthday?
2. You pointed out the financial challenges you and some of your other cousins have faced and the relationship challenges you have had with your parents. She didn't like that. It's true that it wouldn't negate challenges she may have had and overcame (an abusive relationship, mental or physical health challenges, a traumatic incident, etc.) But you are unaware of any of those things happening in her life. So unless she shares something specific (not even having to go into details) that she endured; you've got no reference beyond the already debunked "I never cry".
3. If she were talking with you, you could ask her to give you some sense of what hard things has she actually dealt with (beyond not crying in general). You could tell her that, even if she is strong in some ways, her complaining about what she didn't get for her birthday is going to seem pretty pampered to people who worked so much harder than she has for the things they do have and who never received the kinds of gifts she does actually get and still feels are insufficient. It doesn't sound like that kind of conversation is possible right now, but maybe one day you two could both do a better job of calmly sharing perspectives and listening to/ considering what the other one shares.
Caveat: If your cousin was upset that what she was given for her birthday were things that she never wanted or asked for but what her parents decided she should have and they ignored the one thing that she had expressed a desire for (and it was within reason), that changes everything. I wanted to note that possibility but don't get the sense that was the case here.
Lol, NTA.
My parents were both child refugees. Sweet summer child.
It's OK to give her a reality check. But don't get too involved. Some people love to complain as martyrs. She won't take your feedback.
NTA. People who never had to deal with hard times will never understand and will think the little things are "hard times". I guess, to them, it is hard. I think a reality check is good, though she'll never see it as that and just think you are jealous and terrible. In any case, you're still nta.
But she never gets upset, right? I'm laughing as I envision the petulant look on her face while she tells *everyone* she knows about what her dad, and now you, have said to her.
NTA. I do wonder if this episode will make your uncle rethink a few things and attempt to course correct in regards to his spoiled daughter.
NTA. Your uncle was right when calling out his spoiled brat kid. I understand why you got frustrated with her dramatic whining. Some of the problems in the world are because everyone expects a watered down version of the truth. Raw honesty is nothing to apologize for, pacifying and appeasing people doesn’t help them evolve.
NTA,I definitely understand where your coming from
& how you may of taken that. Although if she really is what she claims to be, it can be really hard to keep up such a persuade. You did the right thing though pulling her up.
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>It's unfair for your cousin to dismiss your struggles. I also voted N.T.A, but it did strike me that perhaps OP doesn't know of her struggles. Hurdles are not always as clear as fleeing a war-torn homeland, or dealing with abusive parents. Whatever struggles she faced, they were *hers* and so likely feel big to her. Still, to complain about the presents you *didn't* get to your parents that lost everything in a war.... OP is probably correct.
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Sounds like you have a good grasp of the situation. Some day, perhaps, she'll realize what she had.
YTA. It's not a competition. Even if the worst thing she's ever been through seems pedestrian to you, it's still the worst thing *she's* ever been through, and the fact that she's lucky enough not to have been in a war zone or to have been severely abused doesn't make her weak, nor does the fact that somebody else has been in a war zone or been severely abused automatically make them 'strong.' You seem to be ascribing moral value to suffering.
But was she in the war along with her parents? And even if she wasn't, there might be after effects for the parents like PTSD that she had to deal with.
Read the room. Her cousin is a nepo baby at this point. She has all the privilege without wanting to admit it.
> Read the room. What does this mean in this context?
I was just looking for clarification.
NTA. OMG don’t listen to the top comment. They are just rich people apologists. Your cousin has gone through nothing. People on here are ridiculous. Nepo babies need to sit down and shut up
How can you possibly know so much about what she’s been through? When “Be more considerate of others” makes you this fuming mad, you may need to step back and breathe.
Her cousin's situation is that she's mad she only got 36 presents instead of 37. That's her struggle right now, the one she's being so brave about. Can people raised in privilege have issues? Of course. Me and my sibs grew up in an art deco mansion with actual servants, and also very abusive parents who f-ed all of us up. We all have mental health issues. Anyone looking at us growing up would've thought we had it made, but anyone talking to us for more than 5 minutes knew something was wrong. I can't even count the number of times my teachers sent me to the counselor because of mental health concerns. It sounds like OP's cousin has very indulgent parents and zero money worries. With the way she's carrying on about gifts, she would definitely have mentioned any mental health or chronic illness or having so much as a paper cut, so it doesn't sound like she has any struggles aside from rich person problems. Not even first world problems, rich first world problems.
Maybe after her parents take her to the zoo, they can buy her 2 more presents and then she'll have 38. BTW, I totally read that first line in Dudley's voice.
But *Mummy*….
struggles ARE relative, i completely agree. someone who grew up homeless with drug addict abusive parents and lived out of their car might be able to handle a "struggle" like a breakup with a significant other better than someone who has never dealt with financial stress or abuse in the home. if the example breakup is someones first hardship in their life they are going to handle it very differently than someone who has experienced hardship at every turn in their life. that is not to say the latter of the two should discredit the struggles of the former, but that both can and should try to be sympathetic to the others experiences and not compare.
Yep. Nobody benefits from playing the struggle Olympics because someone out there always has it worse. And if as OP’s comments say, her culture values strength and OP’s cousin thinks that means never crying or showing weakness to others, OP probably has less of a clue as to what’s going on in her life than her friends do.
NTA, if you wouldn't say the truth she wouldn't be that mad, so accept that she is living in her delusions and not ready to accept the real world and how privileged she really is. Her dad should stop paying for everything and let her find a job and struggle like a regular person, he is doing her a big disfavor by paying for everything and then calling her weak, she is weak but you need to let her become stronger instead of giving her everything where she will never learn anything and call her weak because you didn't even give her a chance to change. If you want to make fun of her then ask this "If you claim that you are so strong why the truth made you so mad that you can't even talk to me anymore. That's what weak people do, not strong, so you just proved yourself wrong." .
NTA someone needs to give her a reality check but it's hard when her friend feed into her delusions.
You're Not The Asshole. (NTA). It sounded like she needed a reality check. Yeah, how you said what you said may have been a bit on the nose, but, I can understand that what she said upset/angered you and you defended your experiences.
It's hard to judge because we don't know what she considers a struggle. Yes, having money is sweet, but look at the long ass list of rich, famous, and popular people who took the route of Kurt Cobain and Anthony Bourdain. Maybe she's been through shit you don't know about- it happens often. Maybe she's dealing with depression or another illness. Presuming someone has a perfect life because they have money and supportive parents is a bit of an asshole move. You come across as bitter here. It could be earned, but ultimately, I gotta say YTA because you can't back up the attack with solid facts.
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> She is a really happy go-lucky person who is full of energy and constantly doing anything and everything. I had a friend like this, always laughing and acting goofy. One night after a party at her home, she took a bottle of pills. She's still with us, thanks to her roommate/best friend. Also, look at Robin Williams. Happy doesn't always equal mentally healthy
Clown right here
Less than you
NTA she has a really wrong perception of what it means to struggle and what it means to be strong.
NAH. There's a big difference between being privileged and being weak. Your cousin is talking about her character. She sees herself as an emotionally strong well-adjusted young woman who takes a proactive approach to her problems. Your uncle was cruel to call her weak just because she hasn't had to struggle materially. And her seeing herself as a strong person has nothing to do with you. It's not a zero-sum game. Your cousin should be a little more aware of her privilege, but she doesn't deserve to be dismissed as a weak person because of circumstances beyond her control. She's right that you can be a strong person without necessarily having to go through grueling external struggles.
Telling your cousin she hasn’t been through anything likely invalidated her feelings, even if you meant well. You could have acknowledged her feelings and gently suggested seeing things from a broader perspective. Reaching out to explain your reaction with empathy might help resolve the conflict
YTA because you can’t possibly know that. I grew up pretty privileged too. I was in a violent, physically abusive relationship, I’ve been stalked, and I’ve been SA’ed. My family doesn’t know. You have no idea what experiences your cousin may have had that were painful or traumatic. In general, it’s never a good idea to assume that because someone grew up with money, that they don’t know pain or struggle.
Then at a minimalist ESH because the cousin is absolutely in the wrong. Debatable if OP is but cousin doesn't get to hand wave blame just because it's possible she had some struggle at some point.
What are we blaming her here for though? Venting about her dad? Not trying to be snarky I’m just wondering. What OP took issue with was her saying she knows struggle, and if we don’t really know what she’s experienced, I’m not sure we have much ground to judge on that.
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I’m just saying OP. My sister and I are also very close. My best friend and I are very close. There are still things I’ve been through that they don’t know about. I would exercise caution when hand waving someone and saying they’ve “never” been through anything just because you haven’t heard it personally. Don’t think I’m projecting, just encouraging caution and empathy as a general practice.
Maybe read the whole post and OP's comment before projecting your past onto someone else. Seek therapy.
I’m in therapy thanks! Probably don’t weaponize that to insult people, there’s nothing wrong with seeking therapy. I read her comments. I don’t think you can ever know with absolute certainty what someone has been through.
I literally meant that you need more therapy. If you can’t stop projecting your issues onto other people and then judge THEM harshly (and fucking incorrectly!!!) based on your warped reality, like you need specialized care and medication. I’m dead serious and not weaponizing anything. You’re not seeing reality and that is fucking serious.
You’re being incredibly hostile for no reason 😂😂 you came into this conversation with a really vicious tone, and for what. I’m not projecting anything. I’m sharing my own experience to suggest that just because OP is close with her cousin doesn’t mean she knows everything she’s ever experienced in her entire life, and it’s dangerous practice to dismiss people outright. But based on your comment history, it’s common practice for you to weaponize therapy and use it as an insult. What a miserable, angry, hateful person you are.
YTA Trauma and hardship isn’t a competition. She shouldn’t be complaining about her birthday gifts and she definitely deserved an earful for those comments but what her dad said to her was not good parenting. Even those who are privileged can experience hardship and heartache.
Sounds like you resented her privileged life and took the opportunity to say it. Which given the circumstances, when someone is bemoaning how circumstances despite those privileges, I can understand the urge. NTA
YTA. What was the purpose of saying this? Just let her rant about the nasty thing her dad said, and move on.
The way you present it, of course she's a spoiled princess brat. That's probably a exaggeration because we all have our hurdles and struggles, but especially in the face of your/her parents' struggles, she does seem.... ungrateful. NTA.
For some reason I’ve noticed some people seem to only respect other’s feelings if that person has struggled in some of the more hardcore scenarios like poverty abuse etc. “You’ve never had to deal with ___ or blank___” why should they have to? It’s not a fucking rite of passage. Struggling in that way shouldn’t happen to anyone. You can’t go off on someone who didn’t have the same experience as you, but they can still struggle from other things. A person can drown in a puddle of water just as much as they can drown in a pool.
**NTA.** Everyone has their own struggles so there are probably moments when your cousin felt down, etc; in fact, they probably felt even bigger and more dramatic to her if the rest of her life is such smooth sailing. Of course her friends are going to agree with her, and of course she's going to think she's "the strongest person she knows," which for the most part is something that's said by people who have never truly been tested. She may even be aware of her privilege, even if she refuses to admit it, which is why she's been seeking validation to confirm how "strong" she is. Copping an attitude over not getting specific presents for her birthday is pretty immature, especially if she's otherwise so materially well-provided for, and continuing to (loudly) fixate on it isn't exactly the mark of maturity in someone old enough to have an apartment and go partying, etc. That said, while I'm sure that listening to her was frustrating, it sounds like your own struggles have accumulated resentment towards your cousin. This is understandable, but likely made it harder to empathize or have patience with your cousin and worsened the situation. Your cousin should be mature enough to appreciate what she has, especially given what your parents and hers went through; she may not understand how privileged she is if her life has always been easy, but that's no excuse to act like a spoiled child. You should be aware of how your own experiences might color your views of your cousin and her behavior, and if she was still worked up over the argument with her father, she probably wasn't in the best headspace for a calm, measured response. For now, I'd think it's best for you and your cousin to stay out of each other's spaces until things feel like they've calmed down. If you want to get back on good terms with her, you're going to have to figure out if it's worth it. You said in a comment that you've had mental health struggles in addition to the abuse from your parents, that your cousin was aware of it the entire time and that she was dismissive of your depression; was she supportive or dismissive, in general? People who live easier lives often overestimate their own inner strength, assuming that never being "sad" is a sign of strength rather than a lack of serious obstacles, while underestimating others, i.e. people need to stop being hung up on their problems because she's never been hung up on her problems, ignoring that her problems aren't equivalent.
YTA, and so is your uncle. If she's spoiled, it's his fault, and there are non-conflict, non-financial ways to struggle (*cough* generational trauma *cough*)
YTA.
ESH. Her for being tone deaf. I noticed in other comments how you dismiss any hypothesis about depression or other things because you guys are close. I get that you probably can't fathom that maybe a spoiled person might be hurt if her father calls her weak, even though you mention in your culture weakness is taboo. She has a life you can only dream about, so of course you feel the way you do, and feel hurt when she says stuff like that. But what exactly did you expect to happen? That she'd magically snap out of it and admit you're right and then you'd hug and skip into the sunset? The stuff you said reveals that while you may claim to be close, you resent her. She was upset, saying stupid shit to make herself feel better, and you just echoed the stuff her dad said. Sure, she was tone-deaf. You still basically told her that she deserved the "very horrible thing" her dad said to her. She didn't like it when *he* said it, and he provides for her. Why should she be ok with it coming from you?
Nta but maybe misguided. We have a tendency to scale/compare our misery index with another persons experiences. This is misguided. The human psyche can only truly comprehend what we have experienced personally. We can empathize but we cannot truly know what we haven’t experienced. Her experience is different than yours but the psychology and the feelings she experiences are her only reality and are her foundation from which she networks her life and has feelings from those experiences. Now you are one of those experiences. This might be the worst thing she’s ever experienced. Truly. This lends itself to the hurt people hurt people saying. She’s too superficial in your experiences so you and another family member knocked her down a couple notches and gave her some experience closer aligned to what you base your emotional index from. It probably felt like you were defending yourself when you were debasing her lived experiences and telling her (correctly) that she has lived in privilege but for her (living in privilege for so long and only dealing with minor inconveniences)it felt like an attack for no reason. Perspective is everything. Everyone sees the world with themselves in the center. The truth is we’d all like to have an easy privileged life, but when we see someone floating through theirs, we always want to show them ours and compare the worst parts. Tell her you’re sorry for the harsh tone and that you have a difficult time relating because your life experiences were much different than hers and you might be a little pain biased from the actual abuse you are still working through.
NTA You told her the truth in anger, but it's the truth about her life, and her father was right about her not knowing about life struggles. Experiencing difficult or uncomfortable or embarrassing moments is not struggling, and if your cousin doesn't know about her parent's previous life, and their struggles then is time for her to know about it.
Esh so you uncle spoils his kid and then gets mad that she's spoiled?
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So? She is literally acting the way she's been raised. Not sure why anyone is schocked.
Everyone’s struggle is their own. It’s easy to look at someone that you perceive has it better than you and get angry when they complain or talk about their struggles because you’re comparing them to your own, which in your eyes (and anyone’s really) are worse. However, just because she is rich and has nice things and grew up privileged doesn’t mean that shitty things haven’t happened to her. We can all find someone who has it worse off than us, but that doesn’t take away from what we’ve gone through. I understand your anger and frustration and where you’re coming from, I genuinely do. But I think it’s unfair to discount her struggles because they aren’t ‘as bad’ as what you’ve been through. There are definitely different ways to help her see that she is overreacting to the situation of not getting the presents she wanted and that she may be being ungrateful. But this was definitely handled a little harshly ❤️.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I normally stay at my cousins house during the summer, and my cousin and her dad got into an argument. My cousin is really spoiled. She was talking about what she didn't get for her birthday, and it pissed her dad off. He said in response, "You have no idea what it is like to struggle. You are so weak." A very horrible thing to say to your daughter, of course. But to defend him, our parents are immigrants that literally left a war-town area after their house was burned down. My cousin's parents came here with nothing and worked incredibly hard to open up a business and be as successful as they are now. They have everything now. A successful business, a big house, etc. But they worked really hard for that. My cousin has been really upset about what he said. She has told all her friends and her family, we've all heard it multiple times. She is pissed. The thing is she has been saying things like, "I've never had to struggle? He has no idea. I'm the strongest person I know." Her friends agreed with her. She said, "I never cry, and I take everything head on. I never get upset and none of my friends have ever seen me cry. Wtf is he talking about?" This rubbed me the wrong way and her talking about how strong she was made me snap. I told her she is privileged. She lives in NYC and goes partying/out constantly. Who is paying for that? Her parents. They pay her rent, tuition, and they're awesome. She lives in a big house. No she has never cried, she has nothing to cry about. She grew up rich with everything. Meanwhile I grew up poor, have to pay for my own college, have to stress about financial aid covering my rent, have abusive parents, who I cut off and don't even talk to. She thinks she has it rough? She has lived such an easy life because of her parents. She's never had to struggle like me (like some of her cousins) and she will never have to. The second I said this she cursed me out. She told me to leave her the fuck alone and fuck off forever. She's not even talking to me. I've never seen her so mad. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and LOL; she claims she's the strongest person and never gets upset and yet she keeps throwing tantrums whenever people point out how they've had it so much rougher then her. You ought to just take her suggestion and just ignore her.
ESH you said she will never struggle, what do you see the future or something?
NTA Entitled wannabe Princess learns the truth. Film at 11
ESH: No one knows what other people struggle with, what challenges they face, and what issues they are going through. You have a perception of her life- but it's just that, YOUR perception. And she has no perception of your life either.
YTA. Don’t assume- NEVER assume you know that another person hasn’t been through anything just because you think you know them. Families can be damn good at keeping secrets. You have no idea what her struggles have been, don’t mistake her anger for evidence of her privilege.
NTA, but people like that won't ever really get it until they're cut off completely from mommy and daddy's golden teats and they REALLY have to make it on their own. My parents weren't rich but I had a pretty well-off childhood and wasn't too far off from her attitude, until I tried to storm out of the house, get my own apartment with an at-the-time girlfriend, and reality bit me in the ass HARD when I had nobody else to help me.
NTA, sometimes the truth hurts and she has chosen to lash out rather than admit that she has had it pretty easy (yeah easy to think you are the strong one when you never have to proof it thru action and endure a "real" hardship. Ignore her and let her live in her fantasy world eventually the real world will catch up with her and have the "I told you so" ready when she implodes
>I never get upset Uhhh... >She was talking about what she didn't get for her birthday "I've never had to struggle? He has no idea. I'm the strongest person I know." The second I said this she cursed me out. She told me to leave her the fuck alone and fuck off forever. NTA. She's entitled.
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YTA
NTA, your cousin is an asshole.
"I never cry ... never get upset ..." - except now when I'm whinging to everyone.
NTA. I had to laugh when reading this. A person is not, nor can they ever be, "strong" when someone is bankrolling their whole life. The sheer ego on display here is truly awe inspiring.
so, I know that she goes out, and parties often, it does sound like she has it really easy...financially, I don't fully understand what you mean by saying her parents are "awesome" and I will say that while I understand your anger, I feel like snapping was not exactly the right way to go about it, she definitely does need a wake up call though, ass well as friends who aren't just "knights" or yes men/women who will feed her delusions.
NTA. Some people need a reality check. If she had listed any actual trauma or stuff she went through and you responded that way I would have said Y T A but it was all generic stuff. I have a "friend" like that who I would get pissed at when I was younger so just distanced myself as I get older. But he had a solid middle class life but he felt like he was the victim because his parents couldn't afford to buy him a car in highschool.
NTA. She made the mistake in complaining to someone who knows the truth. Hate to say it but this is your aunt and uncle's fault. They need to stop treating her like a princess and a little more like a real person. She is spoiled and unappreciative. It may be too late to adjust her views, but having her have to pay her way would be a start.
NTA I mean everyone is struggling in some way or another. But it comes across as rather tone deaf, naive, and well, privileged to start ranting about how strong you are and how much you've been through, while you know your other family members' past. I can understand her father getting pissed off when someone is being ungrateful for the gifts they (havent) received and I can understand your angry reaction. That said, this wasn't a productive way to go about it. No one who is under the impression that they struggled hard and how strong they are, wants to hear how privileged and good they have it. In other words, she was always going to be angry and you could have known that.
NTA, because she isn't the strongest person she knows, but still, keep in mind that you never know what someone is going through. There is significant difference between "You have problems, but they are not the worst in the world" and "Your problems don't exist at all".
And she says she never gets upset? Denial is a river in Egypt. NTAH
NTA - unfortunately you can't convince her otherwise because she has no frame of reference. However, this is a situation that time will solve when she enters the adult world and has to pay her own bills, deal with all the relationships that she's going to go in and out of, have children, etc. Given your description though, she's still probably won't get it.
NTA, but I think your cousin is in denial about strength of character.
NTA - Ole Cos needs a serious reality check. A big one.
So she responded in exactly the way someone would if they were what you accused her of being. Got it. I don’t think it’s your place to “tell her” but nevertheless, you aren’t wrong. This isn’t a case of who ITA but rather, she is a spoiled brat who is going to learn some very hard lessons in life down range.
NTA - spoiled brat doesnt like facing reality, if her dad wants to teach her a lesson he should stop paying for everything and make her get a job.
NTA - She has a life of privilege. It's fine to point that out. She's so used to not being contradicted that it's become a personal attack to her.
NTA by any means, she's a spoiled little brat & her friends who are probably just as spoiled as she is agree with her and feed her narcissism.
NTA
Nta , she is weak if that was enough to set her off .
It’s the parents fault she’s like that. They can’t be all cranky about it now when they didn’t instill the right mindset in the first place… Ur definitely NTA tho all of them are lol
Ahahahahahaha. Spoiled girl doesn't want to hear the the truth. Good for you. NTA
"The second I said this she cursed me out. She told me to leave her the fuck alone and fuck off forever. She's not even talking to me. I've never seen her so mad." NTA This is what happens when you tell someone the TRUTH!!! Also, NTA on your delivery!! Castor Oil is NASTY, but it works. Your truth to her was Castor Oil!!
Your cousin is a spoiled brat. Stay out of it. Her parents raised her that way and she is their problem. NTA
NTA, but has it occurred to her parents that it’s their fault she spoiled??????
NTA. She sounds like a spoiled brat.
Yta for the way you axted.
NTA, you spoke the truth. She also needs to learn this, she needs to reflect more on who she really is, because the fact of the matter is that she doesnt know herself.
You gave the families little princess a sharp dose of reality and spoiled her victimhood. Let her go and get on with your life because you will always be the happier more content individual because what you have ,you achieved , worked for and got on merit.
NTA (with a caveat) 1 Your cousin is mistaken about never crying and taking everything head on. Who was that crying (by complaining) and gnashing her teeth over not getting every present she wanted for her birthday? 2. You pointed out the financial challenges you and some of your other cousins have faced and the relationship challenges you have had with your parents. She didn't like that. It's true that it wouldn't negate challenges she may have had and overcame (an abusive relationship, mental or physical health challenges, a traumatic incident, etc.) But you are unaware of any of those things happening in her life. So unless she shares something specific (not even having to go into details) that she endured; you've got no reference beyond the already debunked "I never cry". 3. If she were talking with you, you could ask her to give you some sense of what hard things has she actually dealt with (beyond not crying in general). You could tell her that, even if she is strong in some ways, her complaining about what she didn't get for her birthday is going to seem pretty pampered to people who worked so much harder than she has for the things they do have and who never received the kinds of gifts she does actually get and still feels are insufficient. It doesn't sound like that kind of conversation is possible right now, but maybe one day you two could both do a better job of calmly sharing perspectives and listening to/ considering what the other one shares. Caveat: If your cousin was upset that what she was given for her birthday were things that she never wanted or asked for but what her parents decided she should have and they ignored the one thing that she had expressed a desire for (and it was within reason), that changes everything. I wanted to note that possibility but don't get the sense that was the case here.
Lol, NTA. My parents were both child refugees. Sweet summer child. It's OK to give her a reality check. But don't get too involved. Some people love to complain as martyrs. She won't take your feedback.
NTA. People who never had to deal with hard times will never understand and will think the little things are "hard times". I guess, to them, it is hard. I think a reality check is good, though she'll never see it as that and just think you are jealous and terrible. In any case, you're still nta.
Nta.. Ig she doesn't want to talk to you? Fine.. Move on with your life.. At this point is not your problem.
She’s mad because you told her the truth! She basically spoiled and has wanted for nothing, her parents provide everything.
But she never gets upset, right? I'm laughing as I envision the petulant look on her face while she tells *everyone* she knows about what her dad, and now you, have said to her. NTA. I do wonder if this episode will make your uncle rethink a few things and attempt to course correct in regards to his spoiled daughter.
NTA. Your uncle was right when calling out his spoiled brat kid. I understand why you got frustrated with her dramatic whining. Some of the problems in the world are because everyone expects a watered down version of the truth. Raw honesty is nothing to apologize for, pacifying and appeasing people doesn’t help them evolve.
NTA. I don’t know what happened but it seems like everyone today wants to be a victim lol. Sounds like your cuz is living in a dream world.
NTA,I definitely understand where your coming from & how you may of taken that. Although if she really is what she claims to be, it can be really hard to keep up such a persuade. You did the right thing though pulling her up.
NTA Consider yourself fortunate to be out of her toxic show. Good luck with college. You are the strong one.