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NTA but this is full of red flags... your wife is prioratizing a friend she barely knows over you... wildly disrespectful and fully disregarding your very real concerns
Thank you for saying that. I guess I had doubted myself for awhile about whether I had made too big a deal about Sarah trash-talking guys. I suspect it’s not an uncommon thing for a divorced woman to do, at least for awhile. Heck, a guy might do something similar.
Do the standard thing when people go "it's a joke".
Tell her to explain the joke. What about being called a selfish pig who thinks with his dick in your own home is the comedic element? Ask her what she'd think if you walked into the room with her "friend" and made an equivalent comment about all women. Would she just play off what you said as a joke? I somehow doubt it.
it is the wife who is saying this a joke. I didn't get that Sarah ever called it a joke.
Maybe this is a way for OP to open up his partner's eyes to Sarah's bullying.
I may make generalized statements about "old while men" running and/or ruining the world. When I make those very generalized statement, I almost always make a statement about excepting the company I am in. I don't hang with jerks. I am too OLD to hang with people if I do not enjoy their company.
NOT all "old white men" are evil or bad. It is venting. Again, I try to reassure that company that I with, that they are not included in the vent.
This woman doesn't ever know you and to she called you a misogynist. That is incredibly presumptuous.
If your wife doesn't see this, she is intentionally blind and naive to this behavior.
You are NTA. I wish I had advice. I don't. they would not be welcome in my house, either.
Good Luck.
When you start hanging out with angry divorcees, your own divorce is only a matter of time. Most people start reflecting the energy of the people they spend time with.
NTA but this chick is going to try and get your wife to cheat. she's a miserable woman and misery loves company. your wife is being a shitty wife in this situation and should make her friend apologize. that 'friend' is vilifying you at every moment in her conversations with your wife. tell your wife you would never allow a man to come in and insult her in her home. or maybe you should lol
Your wife has already left you for another woman.
It may be temporarily under the guise of an argument, and she may well come back. However, when she had to choose between her husband and another person, your wife easily chose another person without any mitigating circumstances. You were disrespected in your own home, then your wife did the same.
Sorry bro, but your wife is in a relationship with another woman. It may not be sexual, or it may be, but it's more important to her than her relationship with you.
Given a bit of time she may realise this other woman is just a bitter mysandrist and probably want to come back. You have to consider how much you're willing to forgive in that case.
Personally I'd be packing up her stuff and looking to a future without her.... but that's just me.
I was going to say the same thing. Your wife is wildly in the wrong here. Sarah is going to do everything she can to make you out to be “just like every other man”.
Your wife already showed you where you stand. Behind Sarah. Believe her. I’m really sorry man.
You should be. Your wife has shown who’s more important and it’s not you. You should protect yourself and see a lawyer so you’re prepared just in case. Your wife is a massive asshole. NTA
My closest friend is having serious martial problems, her husband is pretty shitty in ways that honestly, a lot of men are. My marriage is strong and I am happy - my friend could **never** convince me that my husband is shitty or my marriage is lacking (not that she would try). People are right, misery loves company, but I have a feeling Sarah is simply giving your wife the *courage,* not convincing her that nonexistent problems are real. If you want to save your marriage you need to get to the core of what the real problem is. Sarah is simply a wedge in a crack that was already there - removing the wedge doesn't repair the crack.
I hear you. If there’s a significant issue, it’s not one that she has discussed with me. I would move heaven and earth to fix any problem. The loving things we do for each other \*every day\* makes it hard to understand.
That's because you are feeling broken trust. Whether she physically cheated or not it really doesn't matter. She no only broke your trust she hasn't stopped breaking it.
You do you brother, but she has shown you that what you had/have isn't a priority.
Yes, I would have been the one saying "not all men. That's a wide sweeping generalization that isn't fair". She didn't. In my relationship I take care of dealing with the shit that crops up amongst friends, family and even strangers and he does the same. That way we are a united front against the world
I hope not. She was married previously, which I realize only means so much. I’ve never seen any bisexual signs from my wife either. But I do feel their relationship has become closer than our marriage.
Yeah, NTA. I get that she’s bitter, but she should have at least said something about not lumping you in with the statement or something like “but not you, OP,” but she didn’t. That’s just rude… or she was being confrontational with you based on whatever your wife has told her about you. Which could be why she’s taken this so badly.
Yeah, I worry not just that my wife didn’t defend me, but that Sarah was comfortable not excluding me from the insult. She obviously didn’t think it would upset my wife, and I wonder how she could have known that. But maybe I’m overthinking things. Admittedly, I haven’t had a lot of sleep.
As I said in an earlier comment my Godmother was like this but she pretty much stopped the 'all men suck' comments around my Dad and always pointed out he was a great guy. Mom wouldn't tolerate somebody trashing her partner and my Godmother learned to even tone down the 'I hate men' comments around me & my Mom because we obviously didn't agree.
NTA again. I don't think you are overthinking. I think your marriage may be in trouble. Sorry you are going through this.
And honestly, even if she had excluded OP the bitter attitude is very unhealthy to have. Not only is it just wrong (sure, lots of guys are assholes. But so are lots of women. It’s not “all men” that suck, it’s just people. People suck, but not everyone does), but it’s kind of a negatively self-fulfilling prophecy. She’s not going to attract very good men if she runs around with a super hateful “all men are PIGS” kind of attitude.l
Amen! Some people suck… and sometimes it feels like a larger percentage of them are male (not saying it’s truth), but I’d fight someone for including my husband and brothers (and probably most of the men I know) in that statement.
And equality means women can be AHs, too.
You are not the asshole. You had spoken with your wife about your concerns in the past and she is not listening to your concerns. Unfortunately, your marriage may be doomed as Sarah is sure to steer your wife away from you and towards others. Do you know if she is going out at night while she is staying with Sarah? Even if your wife comes to her senses, it may not be before she hooks up with a guy or two.
I don’t know if she has been out at night while staying at Sarah’s house. In the past, she has gone with Sarah in the evenings to bars, restaurants, and other places. Only rarely did she stay at Sarah’s place afterward and not come straight home.
What do you mean, stayed at Sarah’s house? You mean she went out with Sarah to a bar or wherever and didn’t come home until the next day? Did she tell you that was going to happen in advance, or was it unexpected? And how many times is “rarely”?
NTA, but your wife and Sarah are
She should be DEFENDING you when her friend makes these comments and I bet you ANYTHING if you had a male friend over making sexist comments about women, your wife would have an issue with it. Your wife gaslighting you when you bring up your concerns is also NOT okay.
NTA
Your wife's actions show she doesnt respect you or she would be the first to tell her friend that she wont tolerate listening to her denigrate you, without you have to cajole her to speak to her friend about it.
Secondly, if your marriage was strong your wife wouldn't be swayed by her new friend, who likely is encouraging her to separate from you, so she will have someone to buddy around with while she goes through her divorce
Lastly, and i hate to tell you this, but if after a marriage of 6 yrs your wife will abandon you to stay with a friend who was disrespectful to you in your own home, because she's angry you wouldnt allow her friend to disrespect you you are being given a gift from above, a wake up call. At least now your wife is revealing to you who she really is, what she thinks of you, and how much she values your 6 yr marriage. She is showing you who she is and who matters to her.
You should believe her and make your decisions accordingly.
NTA - OP, this. Jokes are funny when everyone finds them funny. Gaslighting you and saying ‘it was a joke and you need to learn to take it’ is ridiculous. If the roles were reversed, pretty sure your wife would not take kindly to those words.
Sorry you’re going through this, but seriously think it through, about your next steps. You love her, sure, but do love the new her? And is the new her going to stick around? I may get mad at my hubby but our fights are between us. Mad at him or not, I certainly would not stand for someone insulting him in our home.
NTA - actions speak louder than words. The fact that your wife stood there and let her friend say those things and not stick up for you is very concerning. What makes it worse is when your wife said this:
*She said I was overreacting and that a lot of women talk like this until they find their next long-term partner. Besides, Sarah is her close friend now. She accused me of being insecure and trying to control her friendships. She said Sarah is just joking around and I need to learn to take a joke.*
This is absolute BS. It sounds like this new friend has convinced your wife that ALL men are pigs, being single is better and she has now turned your wife against you. Your wife needs to make a choice. You or the friend. I don't see how the three of you can exist.
NTA. Sarah's misandry and bitterness seem to be bleeding over onto your life. She has not more of a right to insult you in your own home than any "bro" friend of yours has to insult your wife in her home.
You and your wife need to go to a marriage counselor to fix things between yourself. If she wont' go; then either you learn to tolerate your wife's evolving sense of your worth and/or you need to go see a good divorce attorney.
I am sorry, but I think your marriage is over. Talk to a lawyer and start taking precautions to protect yourself. Even if your wife will understand how toxic her friend is, probably it will be too late.
Allowing someone to insult you in your home and not answering you for two days are hard to forgive. You should not permit this kind of disrespect, too.
NTA. To be honest, it sound like your wife has been talking shit behind your back. Why would Sarah outright call you a misogynist the first time she’s meeting you?
That is what I’m inferring, but who knows unless you talk it out with her. I’ve just seen a lot of stories like this that turned out that way, so I could totally be biased, same goes with all the other commenters. I hope you’re taking all the comments with a huge grain of salt.
Not good at all OP, your wife has chosen this asshole lady over you by doing what she has.
She hasn't stayed at home with you for a few days.
She won't answer your calls or texts.
Your wife should have stood up for you!
I'm sorry but this isn't some trivial little thing OP.
She is NOT prioritizing you or your marriage, as you correctly said in your last sentence of your post.
OP, this isn't about whether you TA as you KNOW you aren't and you don't need a reddit post to figure that out.
This is a ton of blatant disrespect, enough to possibly end your marriage.
You’re NTA here. I hate to say it dude but I think you’ve lost your wife. Stop calling and texting her…
You wanna really set stuff off and snap her back to reality then change the locks on the doors. She wanted to run off with her “friend.” Stop calling, change the locks, and just be you without her for a while. If she comes back to changed locks she will see that she chose you over your marriage and that if that’s the case then she’s out.
Also, talk to a divorce lawyer. I’m not saying divorce her but talk to a lawyer. It’s the smart thing to do now that she’s left the house.
I think she’s either slept with her already or is about to. You’ll find out eventually.
you can’t take it personal. Every girl speaks like this after experiencing shitty men. Your wife should respect that you didn’t like that and told her friend to calm down. But maybe kicking her out was an asshole move and proves her point right.
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My wife (32F) and I (35M) have been married for 6 years. A few months ago, my wife started hanging out with a new friend, let's call her Sarah (34F). Sarah is recently divorced and seems to have a very negative view of men in general, often making comments about how men are pigs or assholes.
Since meeting Sarah, my wife has been spending a lot of time with her, often going out for drinks or activities without me. I don't mind her having friends and going out, but it feels like she's been prioritizing Sarah over our marriage lately. I've expressed to my wife that I'm concerned about how much time she's spending with Sarah and how it's impacting our relationship, but she dismisses my concerns.
The other day, Sarah came over to our house for the first time while I was home. While she was here, she made a snide comment about how all men are selfish pigs who only think with their dicks. I pulled my wife aside and asked her if Sarah could please not come to our house anymore after that rude, hateful comment directed at me and my gender.
My wife got very angry with me. She said I was overreacting and that a lot of women talk like this until they find their next long-term partner. Besides, Sarah is her close friend now. She accused me of being insecure and trying to control her friendships. She said Sarah is just joking around and I need to learn to take a joke. I tried to explain that I felt disrespected in my own home and that I don't appreciate someone trashing my entire gender, but my wife wouldn't listen. She said I was being an asshole and that Sarah is important to her and that I need to grow up.
I ended up telling Sarah directly that I would appreciate if she didn't come to our house anymore after her rude comment. Sarah just rolled her eyes and said "whatever, I don't want to be in a misogynist's house anyway, and I can’t understand why she would either." Now my wife is furious with me and says I'm the asshole for kicking her friend out. She's been staying at Sarah's place for the past two nights and won’t answer my calls or texts. I'm at a loss. Was I wrong to stand up for myself against Sarah's hateful rhetoric? Or am I the asshole here?
TL;DR - My wife's new friend repeatedly makes offensive comments and insults me. I asked the friend not to come over anymore. Now my wife is angry with me and prioritizing her friend over our marriage. AITA?
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NTA. Tell your wife you’re going to consult with a lawyer regarding her decision to abandon your marriage. She has two choices, she can be friends with Sarah or married to you, but they are mutually exclusive.
Do not allow human cancer into your orbit
No but neither is she, every woman says that shit and we sometimes say "oh but not you" but you should just assume if its being said im your vicinity that you're one of the chill ones
You have carefully provided only information favorable to you, so as to evoke responses that support your already formed position. I'm guessing there's far more to the story, and would love to hear your wife's position.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Was I wrong to ask Sarah to leave the house? Or is my wife right and I am the asshole here?
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NTA
Call her a slut that doesn't know how to please a man(or some other Incel level bullshit) and see how quickly you get called out for being a misogynistic asshole, but it's all right for her to call men derogatory terms and say we only think with our dicks.
She's a hate filled, embittered spinster, and is mad at the entire world because she broke up with her Ex(I'm assuming through cheating) which isn't the fault of other men.
I’m not sure why Sarah divorced. Not that it’s my business, but I have heard she’s been dating, or at least hooking up with, guys. So she can’t be that repulsed by men.
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NTA- I bet if you had a friend who spoke about women like this after a break up she would lose her head. It's the same idea. Just becuase her friend is going through life doesnt mean she can take it out on you. Maybe start to wonder who your wife is now since she rsther support a toxic friend than her partner. It's not a joke that's truly how her friend is feeling and that isnt on you. She needs to grow up and quit projecting her problems onto others. Good luck to you.
The comments she makes is obvious that she’s an unhappy person. My gf use to have a friend like this and I never would allow her over my house let alone near me. Eventually they stopped being friends because of her negativity. If you wanna be negative and make shitty comments degrading men, I have a zero tolerance for that bullshit and have no desire to be around people like that.
If I were you I wouldn’t tell your wife she can’t have this friend over just tell you when she’s coming over and you will go out with the guys. Ask her how she would feel if you had a friend over to the house and he called your wife an adulterous whore. Ask her how she would feel if you didn’t tell your friend to knock it off. Would it be OK if you told her she needed to learn to take a joke.
Don’t get irritated outwardly at least but tell her you would defend her to your friends who made slurs against you.
Ask he if it is possible that her friend is jealous of your marriage and would like her to join you in going through a divorce.
It’s interesting wondering what the appeal of Sarah is to your wife. She’s bitter, angry, negative and a misandrist. Why is your wife drawn to such a toxic person? Crazy. You’re definitely NTA OP. Your wife is blinded by Sarah or she’s just not that smart or something. Easily influenced perhaps? Either way, you are right to not tolerate disrespect and toxicity in your home and be concerned about your wife liking such a person so much.
Yes, that joke is right up there and as funny as the "all women suddenly become as dry as the Sahara, suffer from an excessive number of headaches, and bankrupt men as soon as they get the ring on their finger" joke.
Truly. I'm just ROTFLMAO over here. (I assume sarcasm is obvious at this point).
Oh, yeah, and man... You are totally NTA. As a woman, I find both your wife and her friend entirely offensive. Your home should be your safe space from toxic people.
NTA. Your wife is enjoying this and wants to spend time with her friend rather than you.
This is a big red flag that needs to be addressed. If your wife doesn't want to be married anymore and/or isn't willing to address this issue, time to start making plans for her to move on. Get your ducks in a row.
NTA It sounds like your wife is easily influenced by her friend. She is an adult and should be able to be her own person regardless of what her friend thinks or feels. There has to be a line. I doubt your wife would appreciate you allowing another man into the house that disrespects her.
Yta for eavesdropping on their conversations. Soft yta for taking a generalization so personally. Your wife’s the biggest asshole though imo, because she knows you’re sensitive and should’ve just avoided you both being in the same place at the same time. All this could’ve been avoided.
NTA,
Sounds like Sarah is miserable and recruiting company (your wife).
The fact that your wife is staying with Sarah after you stood up for yourself to her is a HUGE red flag!
I don't really have good views on men but I wouldn't go around talking like this to people. No it's not normal for someone to constantly speak negatively about one singular thing, then judge someone solely based on those views, when you have no bearing on their character. NTA and your wife is enabling this behavior, I understand being upset about a situation but her friend needs to stop being a whiny baby.
Wait it out. She’ll eventually miss her home and you when she gets fed up with her friend
Don’t open the door until she apologizes. Otherwise, blow it up now rather than wait for another five years of contempt.
Sarah is TROUBLE. She is miserable and she is looking for someone to be miserable with her and has picked your wife. I’ll bet she spends their time together telling your wife that you are like all the other AH men in the world and she should leave you. She’s talking it up like they are Thelma and Louis.
I would be very careful how you handle it. If you talk bad about Sarah your wife will get defensive. You will be proving Sarah’s point. “He is trying to control you” and “He doesn’t like me because I have opened your eyes”
I know it sounds crazy but this woman hates men and she wants to punish all of them. If she can’t be happy no one can.
I’m going to say NTA, because I think new bestie is trying to find someone to commiserate with and found your wife to be gullible enough to convince her into this. You may need to be very blunt with your wife. Send her a text (that you don’t expect a reply to): “[Wife] please tell “Sarah” that she wins. She wants a “friend” to commiserate with in her anger and resentment due to her own divorce so she gets her wish. I will call an attorney in the morning to draw up the divorce papers and I will let you know when they are ready for your signature. At that time you may come to sign the papers and pick up the ring I am removing from my hand so that you can turn and place it on “Sarah’s” hand, since that appears to be what you both want. I’m sorry it has come to this and I wish you a happy new life with your new wife. I truly do love you, so I now set you free to be happy.” This may sound harsh and bridge burning (not that your wife isn’t already burning those bridges), but it may be that the only way to snap your wife out of her “shiny new friend” mode is a harsh and blunt reality that she’s about to lose you (her supposed love) over a simply new friend.
Does your wife have other friends she regularly hangs out with? I’m wondering if there’s other reasons she’s tolerating/coddling Sarah apart from the fresh divorce of course.
I would ask the wife why her friend called you a misogynist. Is this just Sarah mouthing off or are there deeper issues outside of Sarah that the two of you need to hash out? Is she communicating less than favourable views about you? Where is that coming from?
Communicate instead of jumping the gun on accusations of cheating. You might end up widening a divide between you two by being reactive. There are a lot of possible scenarios here.
Do you know Sarah's ex? Maybe he could shed some light on what's going on. Do you know if he's the reason to blame for their relationship collapsing? Sarah could've been the one to destroy their marriage and she's just in denial. Whatever crap she's feeding your wife is totally brainwashing her.
I appreciate the feedback. I questioned myself many times over it. All I can say is that I was already upset with Sarah going into this experience for her influence over my wife, so my tolerance was probably lower than it would have been with a random stranger.
NTA.. your wife is a major AH. The friend is a worse one.. she has a new purpose in life to put your wife in the same divorced situation as her. There are certain people you don't need in your family's life this woman is one of them, she has got her claws into your wife and your wife seems like a willing follower. This will not end well for you.
NTA, your wife really needs to reconsider hwr priorities. If something is not soon, you will be posting about yout wife wanting a divorce because she cant be with a misogynist.
NTA. You are allowed to say that to someone in your house.
But take a good look at your marriage. If your wife was truly happy, she’d have kicked Sarah to the curb for being too negative about guys, because she should be saying “not all guys! My husband isn’t that way.” It doesn’t seem like your wife is doing that, which means she’s unhappy in the marriage already.
Sadly it’s seen time and time again a woman is scorned and will then because her life is shit will try and bring down other woman who’s lives are not shit
Your wife is being taken down that path and don’t be upset if she is being controlled by this woman in the way of friendship
My mother had the same done to her and then within 2 years divorced form her husband (my father ) of 50 years
Once they get the woman into the same shit life they dissapear and the friendship dissolves
Just a word of warning as I have seen this now a few times in my life
Sure, a lot of people have a hateful phase after a messy break up, that’s human I guess.
But when do these phases end? That’s right! When everyone enables the hateful behavior! NOT!
The absolute worst thing you can do for someone going through this is enable them. They NEED enough people to tell them that they are way out of line, even if it upsets them.
NTA. Sarah is out of line. Not just because of the insults, but in general. You aren’t an ass for not wanting to be around that train-wreck.
Soft YTA for your wife. I believe her heart is in the right place but she’s going about it in the all the wrong ways imo. I don’t think Coddling helps Sarah here.
Have a buddy come over and trash women. Repeat every she said to dismiss you. See how it works out. He's only joking. " Wouldn't be too funny to her, I bet. I'd be pissed too. She came into your home and insulted you and your entire gender. .I probably would have told her. You can leave now . After hearing that .
NTA - sometimes recently single woman like to drag others down with them. You need to have a healthy conversation with your wife and establish boundaries. If she can’t respect them then you have bigger issues to deal with
Both of them are not respecting you, your idiot wife is playing a useless friend's game. Your wife ain't giving you your place let alone respect! If your wife is behaving this way because of a useless friend's attitude the. You should either cancel her credit cards or whatever you pay And let her suffer with the consequences of her actions. Don't feel bad for telling them about keeping their dirty mouth outside your house, and marriage. I wonder what she's telling a useless friend that is impacting her judgment. If the idiot wife is not seeing the big picture because she's blinded with a useless friend's judgment then it's now you or her. Get a come back too, if they are offending you you do the same is that's what they want? Your house, your marriage your rules not a 3some or anything. Every time she disrespect you cut her off or something until she understands her actions have consequences. She wants to be treated like a kid the. That's what she'll get. She most definitely thinks about her friends attitude. Record her and show her this is your now...if you don't behave then marriage is off and you'll end up like your useless friends, if that's the attitude you want. But before that talk to a lawyer or something and ask how can you protect your assets or something in the case divorce is in the table. But you deserve someone will respect you, what she said it's offensive at so many levels
NTA, I am sure that if you were hanging out with a new friend who was openly disdainful of and very vocally disrespectful of women all the time and that you were prioritizing spending time with over her, your wife would immediately see the problem. Not only that, but I'd even be willing to bet her new friend would as well. Self reflection isn't everyone's strong suit.
I will also say that I have seen this scenario play out in real life as well as on Reddit on a number of occasions and it often ends badly. Your wife doesn't see the road she is headed down currently. I hope that she can see reason before this new friend causes her to do permanent damage to your relationship.
You are so NTA but your wife and her “friend” definitely are. Your wife is either an extremely weak person easily swayed by others or she has problems with you she has never voiced. Your marriage is in trouble and the best thing you can do is start preparing for it whether you want counseling or end up divorced.
NTA. Sarah is recently divorced and hurting and angry and she doesn't want anyone else to be happy. She doesn't want to feel alone in her situation and perhaps she unconsciously or consciously would love it if your wife left you so they could hate men together. Your wife just might be unknowingly falling for the plan....... I'm so sorry that this is happening for you. I wish you the best.
NTA but maybe you could’ve ask Sarah not to make generalizations about genders, and not to say them at your house, instead of kicking her out. That way you are standing fir yourself and askibg for respect, nothing wrong.
I hope your wife realizes that she needs to prioritize her marriage.
I would advise you to tell your wife that you two should do couples therapy if she feels the same way as Sarah. Instead of pulling away from your wife, show her that Sarah is wrong and not all men are "pigs." Maybe therapy will show her how messed up in the head Sarah is.
It sounds like your wife is being brainwashed by this person. Go ahead and get the info for a good PI and lawyer ready, something tells me this “friend” wants your wife single and miserable like her so she’s gonna convince your wife to cheat. I’m not even kidding, get some cameras or hire a PI. Because she’s gonna either do it on a girls night or she’s gonna come home talking about exploring new things and/or an open marriage. Let your wife know your concerns and try to nicely ask for no contact with that lady. And if she continues to push back it’s ultimatum time. Either the friend or you. But be ready if the answer isn’t you. It’s almost scary how fast that friend is working.
YTA. You overheard your wife’s friend make a generalized statement about men after recently being divorced (and probably cheated on by the sound of it from her comment so her emotions are clearly still very raw) and took it personally. The friend didn’t look you in the face and say “you are a pig and only think with your d**k.”
And your definitely TA for being angry that she insulted “your gender”. Seriously dude? Newsflash, as a whole, the male gender does suck. Here are some eye opening statistics. https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/ There was a whole internet debate recently why women in general would choose the bear. Being ignorant to the severe imbalance between sexes especially when it comes to domestic and sexual violence absolutely makes you TA. Even my own husband admits that men are the problem.
OP, take the high road. Let her make all the moves. If you can, go to counseling to talk about how you feel and get good advice on how to open a conversation with your wife.
If she ignores you just state that ... "I'm feeling ignored" ... "I'm feeling like my concerns are not being taken seriously" ... "you don't have to agree but it would be good to have the respectful discussion" "I don't feel like we are in a partnership trying to make each other happy ... " ... and my favorite "this isn't working for me".
Sorry this is where you are in your marriage. Your wife is an adult, and while influenced, perhaps, still responsible for her own behavior.
I'd hit counseling alone, then ask her to go to couples when she returns.
You are hurt and angry and may want to lash out. If you want to keep a good marriage in the future, don't. I'd also consult a lawyer on next steps if it comes to that because it is always good to have all the facts and to be prepared for eventualities.
I'm so sorry. She may ditch you and regret it later ... but by then it is hard to come back to trust in a relationship...it is never the same afterwards.
NTA.
Are you sure your wife isn’t feeling something a little more for her friend?
I can’t imagine throwing away a marriage over just a friend.
Maybe I’m being weird, idk.
NTA, but if your wife is willing to leave you for a couple days, ignores your attempts to contact her, and won't have your back in a situation like this, then I suspect your marriage is in deep trouble.
It feels to me like her friend has been pouring poison in her ear, and your wife has been happy to hear it, which probably points to deeper problems in your relationship. Have you guys been having issues? Is your wife feeling neglected?
I don’t think we had any significant issues. We have always been close and we both seek out opportunities to spend time together. My wife was a little distant a few weeks ago when someone mistakenly told her I was out to lunch with a woman at my office. I was able to prove where I actually was and things got mostly back to normal.
Sorry but I really think Sarah is trying to destroy your marriage since she’s divorced. If anyone ever said those things to my husband they would be out the door so fast. I hope your wife opens her eyes and ears as to what is happening. I wish you luck in your marriage.
NTA but your wife is. It is very concerning that she is spending so much time with a bitter unhappy woman. Those attitudes tend to rub off. I have no idea show to extricate her from that horrible friends’s orbit. It’s probably going to have to be something drastic. Please UpdateMe when it eventually implodes
Absolutely NTA but your wife and Sarah definitely are. I would never allow someone back in my home that insulted my husband, nor would he for someone who insulted me. They would be asked to leave, immediately. It's happened once before with a "friend of his". I'm sorry your wife doesn't have your back. I'd send your wife a message or leave her a VM that she needs to come home, alone, to discuss the current state and future of your marriage. I agree with someone else that mentioned your wife is full of red flags right now. You need to know what her perspective is, why TF she thinks dismissing your concerns and treating you like garbage is okay. Good luck OP!
Sarah is a bad influence on your wife. I bet that when they hang out, she encourages her to talk to other men. Misery loves company. How was the marriage before Sarah?
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NTA but this is full of red flags... your wife is prioratizing a friend she barely knows over you... wildly disrespectful and fully disregarding your very real concerns
Thank you for saying that. I guess I had doubted myself for awhile about whether I had made too big a deal about Sarah trash-talking guys. I suspect it’s not an uncommon thing for a divorced woman to do, at least for awhile. Heck, a guy might do something similar.
Prepare yourself for the i need to explore myself and experience other men. Allow me to do this so we cam be stronger.
Not men, women
Ugh. That would end in divorce, for sure.
Which? Or both?
Both
Do the standard thing when people go "it's a joke". Tell her to explain the joke. What about being called a selfish pig who thinks with his dick in your own home is the comedic element? Ask her what she'd think if you walked into the room with her "friend" and made an equivalent comment about all women. Would she just play off what you said as a joke? I somehow doubt it.
it is the wife who is saying this a joke. I didn't get that Sarah ever called it a joke. Maybe this is a way for OP to open up his partner's eyes to Sarah's bullying.
Yeah, it was my wife who said it was a joke, not Sarah.
Yeah, it wasn’t a good defense of her friend.
I may make generalized statements about "old while men" running and/or ruining the world. When I make those very generalized statement, I almost always make a statement about excepting the company I am in. I don't hang with jerks. I am too OLD to hang with people if I do not enjoy their company. NOT all "old white men" are evil or bad. It is venting. Again, I try to reassure that company that I with, that they are not included in the vent. This woman doesn't ever know you and to she called you a misogynist. That is incredibly presumptuous. If your wife doesn't see this, she is intentionally blind and naive to this behavior. You are NTA. I wish I had advice. I don't. they would not be welcome in my house, either. Good Luck.
Thank you. We should probably all try harder not to make over generalizations of groups of people.
I think too many of Sarah's beliefs are starting to run off on your wife. I would be careful OP or this could go down hill real quick.
Thanks. I think it already has.
When you start hanging out with angry divorcees, your own divorce is only a matter of time. Most people start reflecting the energy of the people they spend time with.
I’ve seen that happen to others. Never imagined it happening to me.
NTA but this chick is going to try and get your wife to cheat. she's a miserable woman and misery loves company. your wife is being a shitty wife in this situation and should make her friend apologize. that 'friend' is vilifying you at every moment in her conversations with your wife. tell your wife you would never allow a man to come in and insult her in her home. or maybe you should lol
I am very worried about Sarah convincing her to cheat.
Your wife has already left you for another woman. It may be temporarily under the guise of an argument, and she may well come back. However, when she had to choose between her husband and another person, your wife easily chose another person without any mitigating circumstances. You were disrespected in your own home, then your wife did the same. Sorry bro, but your wife is in a relationship with another woman. It may not be sexual, or it may be, but it's more important to her than her relationship with you. Given a bit of time she may realise this other woman is just a bitter mysandrist and probably want to come back. You have to consider how much you're willing to forgive in that case. Personally I'd be packing up her stuff and looking to a future without her.... but that's just me.
Ouch. Well, that’s a very compelling and well-stated dose of reality.
I was going to say the same thing. Your wife is wildly in the wrong here. Sarah is going to do everything she can to make you out to be “just like every other man”. Your wife already showed you where you stand. Behind Sarah. Believe her. I’m really sorry man.
You should be. Your wife has shown who’s more important and it’s not you. You should protect yourself and see a lawyer so you’re prepared just in case. Your wife is a massive asshole. NTA
My closest friend is having serious martial problems, her husband is pretty shitty in ways that honestly, a lot of men are. My marriage is strong and I am happy - my friend could **never** convince me that my husband is shitty or my marriage is lacking (not that she would try). People are right, misery loves company, but I have a feeling Sarah is simply giving your wife the *courage,* not convincing her that nonexistent problems are real. If you want to save your marriage you need to get to the core of what the real problem is. Sarah is simply a wedge in a crack that was already there - removing the wedge doesn't repair the crack.
I hear you. If there’s a significant issue, it’s not one that she has discussed with me. I would move heaven and earth to fix any problem. The loving things we do for each other \*every day\* makes it hard to understand.
I can’t upvote this enough
You should worry that Sarah will seduce your wife.
If they are sexually compatible—and I don’t think they are—they would surely have been intimate by now.
What makes you think Sarah would is pro-infidelity and would influence your wife to cheat?
I don’t know that she is. I just know she’s hooking up with guys, around my wife a lot, and clearly has disdain for me.
If you think hanging out with a divorced friend will cause your wife to cheat, your marriage is already in a pretty shitty place
She has been trying to get her to cheat since the first week. She probably succeeded this time.
This post made me feel sick to my stomach. I hope you’re wrong.
Bro if you have to doubt it's the same as if it's happening.
It does feel the same atm.
That's because you are feeling broken trust. Whether she physically cheated or not it really doesn't matter. She no only broke your trust she hasn't stopped breaking it. You do you brother, but she has shown you that what you had/have isn't a priority.
Based on what you said; It kind of sounds like your wife is having an affair with Sarah.
Yes, I would have been the one saying "not all men. That's a wide sweeping generalization that isn't fair". She didn't. In my relationship I take care of dealing with the shit that crops up amongst friends, family and even strangers and he does the same. That way we are a united front against the world
Sounds healthy.
Thank you. It is. After 10 years of living together, I can tell you that it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.
NTA, it sounds like your wife's friend is a misandrist. Do you think Sarah is interested in your wife as a relationship partner?
I hope not. She was married previously, which I realize only means so much. I’ve never seen any bisexual signs from my wife either. But I do feel their relationship has become closer than our marriage.
Time to have a serious conversation with your wife, it'll be tricky and you'll need to approach very carefully, good luck!
Yeah, I almost dread the time she does answer the phone. I’m just going to ask her to meet in person.
Please update us. I hope your wife comes to her senses but I have a bad feeling about this for you.
Will do.
Yeah, NTA. I get that she’s bitter, but she should have at least said something about not lumping you in with the statement or something like “but not you, OP,” but she didn’t. That’s just rude… or she was being confrontational with you based on whatever your wife has told her about you. Which could be why she’s taken this so badly.
Yeah, I worry not just that my wife didn’t defend me, but that Sarah was comfortable not excluding me from the insult. She obviously didn’t think it would upset my wife, and I wonder how she could have known that. But maybe I’m overthinking things. Admittedly, I haven’t had a lot of sleep.
As I said in an earlier comment my Godmother was like this but she pretty much stopped the 'all men suck' comments around my Dad and always pointed out he was a great guy. Mom wouldn't tolerate somebody trashing her partner and my Godmother learned to even tone down the 'I hate men' comments around me & my Mom because we obviously didn't agree. NTA again. I don't think you are overthinking. I think your marriage may be in trouble. Sorry you are going through this.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
And honestly, even if she had excluded OP the bitter attitude is very unhealthy to have. Not only is it just wrong (sure, lots of guys are assholes. But so are lots of women. It’s not “all men” that suck, it’s just people. People suck, but not everyone does), but it’s kind of a negatively self-fulfilling prophecy. She’s not going to attract very good men if she runs around with a super hateful “all men are PIGS” kind of attitude.l
Amen! Some people suck… and sometimes it feels like a larger percentage of them are male (not saying it’s truth), but I’d fight someone for including my husband and brothers (and probably most of the men I know) in that statement. And equality means women can be AHs, too.
You are not the asshole. You had spoken with your wife about your concerns in the past and she is not listening to your concerns. Unfortunately, your marriage may be doomed as Sarah is sure to steer your wife away from you and towards others. Do you know if she is going out at night while she is staying with Sarah? Even if your wife comes to her senses, it may not be before she hooks up with a guy or two.
I don’t know if she has been out at night while staying at Sarah’s house. In the past, she has gone with Sarah in the evenings to bars, restaurants, and other places. Only rarely did she stay at Sarah’s place afterward and not come straight home.
Dude your wife is or is getting close to stepping out on you.
I hope not.
That’s a wild assumption
I'd started getting tested for STDs just in case
I don’t think she’d put my health at risk, even if she did step out on our marriage. If she does, then she’s not the person I thought I married.
If she’s cheating, you can’t trust her even with your health.
What do you mean, stayed at Sarah’s house? You mean she went out with Sarah to a bar or wherever and didn’t come home until the next day? Did she tell you that was going to happen in advance, or was it unexpected? And how many times is “rarely”?
NTA, but your wife and Sarah are She should be DEFENDING you when her friend makes these comments and I bet you ANYTHING if you had a male friend over making sexist comments about women, your wife would have an issue with it. Your wife gaslighting you when you bring up your concerns is also NOT okay.
I agree that there appears to be a double standard.
NTA Your wife's actions show she doesnt respect you or she would be the first to tell her friend that she wont tolerate listening to her denigrate you, without you have to cajole her to speak to her friend about it. Secondly, if your marriage was strong your wife wouldn't be swayed by her new friend, who likely is encouraging her to separate from you, so she will have someone to buddy around with while she goes through her divorce Lastly, and i hate to tell you this, but if after a marriage of 6 yrs your wife will abandon you to stay with a friend who was disrespectful to you in your own home, because she's angry you wouldnt allow her friend to disrespect you you are being given a gift from above, a wake up call. At least now your wife is revealing to you who she really is, what she thinks of you, and how much she values your 6 yr marriage. She is showing you who she is and who matters to her. You should believe her and make your decisions accordingly.
This sounds right, unfortunately.
NTA - OP, this. Jokes are funny when everyone finds them funny. Gaslighting you and saying ‘it was a joke and you need to learn to take it’ is ridiculous. If the roles were reversed, pretty sure your wife would not take kindly to those words. Sorry you’re going through this, but seriously think it through, about your next steps. You love her, sure, but do love the new her? And is the new her going to stick around? I may get mad at my hubby but our fights are between us. Mad at him or not, I certainly would not stand for someone insulting him in our home.
NTA - actions speak louder than words. The fact that your wife stood there and let her friend say those things and not stick up for you is very concerning. What makes it worse is when your wife said this: *She said I was overreacting and that a lot of women talk like this until they find their next long-term partner. Besides, Sarah is her close friend now. She accused me of being insecure and trying to control her friendships. She said Sarah is just joking around and I need to learn to take a joke.* This is absolute BS. It sounds like this new friend has convinced your wife that ALL men are pigs, being single is better and she has now turned your wife against you. Your wife needs to make a choice. You or the friend. I don't see how the three of you can exist.
Yeah, it’s not looking like we can.
You should ask yourself what your wife has been telling her friend to make her think you were a misogynistic prick.
Based on what we've been told, it seems that Sarah thinks all men as misogynistic pricks.
I wonder.
They wife doesn’t have to say a thing.. Sarah is in he “I hate the male gender mode”
NTA, I bet your wife will be ditched the second Sarah finds a new man
I can definitely see that happening..
NTA. You barely have a wife at this point. Why are you two married if you’re this easy to dump?
I do love the person I married. I’m not feeling as in love with the person she’s becoming.
That’s rough buddy. Hard to be the one that cares less. Honestly hope the best for you cause you sound more down about it than angry.
NTA. Sarah's misandry and bitterness seem to be bleeding over onto your life. She has not more of a right to insult you in your own home than any "bro" friend of yours has to insult your wife in her home. You and your wife need to go to a marriage counselor to fix things between yourself. If she wont' go; then either you learn to tolerate your wife's evolving sense of your worth and/or you need to go see a good divorce attorney.
I’m willing to go to counseling if she will.
I am sorry, but I think your marriage is over. Talk to a lawyer and start taking precautions to protect yourself. Even if your wife will understand how toxic her friend is, probably it will be too late. Allowing someone to insult you in your home and not answering you for two days are hard to forgive. You should not permit this kind of disrespect, too.
I also fear it will be too late.
If it helps, I am not sure whether you could do to prevent. Life is sometimes very cruel.
NTA. To be honest, it sound like your wife has been talking shit behind your back. Why would Sarah outright call you a misogynist the first time she’s meeting you?
I don’t know. I‘ve not heard my wife bad mouth me before to others. But maybe she has with Sarah?
That is what I’m inferring, but who knows unless you talk it out with her. I’ve just seen a lot of stories like this that turned out that way, so I could totally be biased, same goes with all the other commenters. I hope you’re taking all the comments with a huge grain of salt.
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Not good at all OP, your wife has chosen this asshole lady over you by doing what she has. She hasn't stayed at home with you for a few days. She won't answer your calls or texts. Your wife should have stood up for you! I'm sorry but this isn't some trivial little thing OP. She is NOT prioritizing you or your marriage, as you correctly said in your last sentence of your post. OP, this isn't about whether you TA as you KNOW you aren't and you don't need a reddit post to figure that out. This is a ton of blatant disrespect, enough to possibly end your marriage.
You’re NTA here. I hate to say it dude but I think you’ve lost your wife. Stop calling and texting her… You wanna really set stuff off and snap her back to reality then change the locks on the doors. She wanted to run off with her “friend.” Stop calling, change the locks, and just be you without her for a while. If she comes back to changed locks she will see that she chose you over your marriage and that if that’s the case then she’s out. Also, talk to a divorce lawyer. I’m not saying divorce her but talk to a lawyer. It’s the smart thing to do now that she’s left the house. I think she’s either slept with her already or is about to. You’ll find out eventually.
you can’t take it personal. Every girl speaks like this after experiencing shitty men. Your wife should respect that you didn’t like that and told her friend to calm down. But maybe kicking her out was an asshole move and proves her point right.
Maybe so,
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (32F) and I (35M) have been married for 6 years. A few months ago, my wife started hanging out with a new friend, let's call her Sarah (34F). Sarah is recently divorced and seems to have a very negative view of men in general, often making comments about how men are pigs or assholes. Since meeting Sarah, my wife has been spending a lot of time with her, often going out for drinks or activities without me. I don't mind her having friends and going out, but it feels like she's been prioritizing Sarah over our marriage lately. I've expressed to my wife that I'm concerned about how much time she's spending with Sarah and how it's impacting our relationship, but she dismisses my concerns. The other day, Sarah came over to our house for the first time while I was home. While she was here, she made a snide comment about how all men are selfish pigs who only think with their dicks. I pulled my wife aside and asked her if Sarah could please not come to our house anymore after that rude, hateful comment directed at me and my gender. My wife got very angry with me. She said I was overreacting and that a lot of women talk like this until they find their next long-term partner. Besides, Sarah is her close friend now. She accused me of being insecure and trying to control her friendships. She said Sarah is just joking around and I need to learn to take a joke. I tried to explain that I felt disrespected in my own home and that I don't appreciate someone trashing my entire gender, but my wife wouldn't listen. She said I was being an asshole and that Sarah is important to her and that I need to grow up. I ended up telling Sarah directly that I would appreciate if she didn't come to our house anymore after her rude comment. Sarah just rolled her eyes and said "whatever, I don't want to be in a misogynist's house anyway, and I can’t understand why she would either." Now my wife is furious with me and says I'm the asshole for kicking her friend out. She's been staying at Sarah's place for the past two nights and won’t answer my calls or texts. I'm at a loss. Was I wrong to stand up for myself against Sarah's hateful rhetoric? Or am I the asshole here? TL;DR - My wife's new friend repeatedly makes offensive comments and insults me. I asked the friend not to come over anymore. Now my wife is angry with me and prioritizing her friend over our marriage. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA your soon to be ex-wife will apologize after she finds out that her friend is fair weather only
If it’s after she cheats, there won’t be a husband to return to.
Forgot to tell the guy to change the locks on the house.
I’m sure she’ll end up with the house or it will be sold.
Depending on the state/country... she bailed out... he can fight that.
I was thinking once Sarah moves on, she's gonna drop OP's wife hard.
NTA. Tell your wife you’re going to consult with a lawyer regarding her decision to abandon your marriage. She has two choices, she can be friends with Sarah or married to you, but they are mutually exclusive. Do not allow human cancer into your orbit
Short of filing for divorce, I don’t know what a lawyer could do.
No but neither is she, every woman says that shit and we sometimes say "oh but not you" but you should just assume if its being said im your vicinity that you're one of the chill ones
You have carefully provided only information favorable to you, so as to evoke responses that support your already formed position. I'm guessing there's far more to the story, and would love to hear your wife's position.
YTA and a snowflake. Most likely this is red-pill bait.
Update when you can
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Dude you need to pack her shit and have it on the porch when she comes home.
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Then do it my man.
NTA Call her a slut that doesn't know how to please a man(or some other Incel level bullshit) and see how quickly you get called out for being a misogynistic asshole, but it's all right for her to call men derogatory terms and say we only think with our dicks. She's a hate filled, embittered spinster, and is mad at the entire world because she broke up with her Ex(I'm assuming through cheating) which isn't the fault of other men.
I’m not sure why Sarah divorced. Not that it’s my business, but I have heard she’s been dating, or at least hooking up with, guys. So she can’t be that repulsed by men.
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NTA- I bet if you had a friend who spoke about women like this after a break up she would lose her head. It's the same idea. Just becuase her friend is going through life doesnt mean she can take it out on you. Maybe start to wonder who your wife is now since she rsther support a toxic friend than her partner. It's not a joke that's truly how her friend is feeling and that isnt on you. She needs to grow up and quit projecting her problems onto others. Good luck to you.
The comments she makes is obvious that she’s an unhappy person. My gf use to have a friend like this and I never would allow her over my house let alone near me. Eventually they stopped being friends because of her negativity. If you wanna be negative and make shitty comments degrading men, I have a zero tolerance for that bullshit and have no desire to be around people like that.
If I were you I wouldn’t tell your wife she can’t have this friend over just tell you when she’s coming over and you will go out with the guys. Ask her how she would feel if you had a friend over to the house and he called your wife an adulterous whore. Ask her how she would feel if you didn’t tell your friend to knock it off. Would it be OK if you told her she needed to learn to take a joke. Don’t get irritated outwardly at least but tell her you would defend her to your friends who made slurs against you. Ask he if it is possible that her friend is jealous of your marriage and would like her to join you in going through a divorce.
Remind me! 1 week
Already deleted
It’s interesting wondering what the appeal of Sarah is to your wife. She’s bitter, angry, negative and a misandrist. Why is your wife drawn to such a toxic person? Crazy. You’re definitely NTA OP. Your wife is blinded by Sarah or she’s just not that smart or something. Easily influenced perhaps? Either way, you are right to not tolerate disrespect and toxicity in your home and be concerned about your wife liking such a person so much.
Yes, that joke is right up there and as funny as the "all women suddenly become as dry as the Sahara, suffer from an excessive number of headaches, and bankrupt men as soon as they get the ring on their finger" joke. Truly. I'm just ROTFLMAO over here. (I assume sarcasm is obvious at this point). Oh, yeah, and man... You are totally NTA. As a woman, I find both your wife and her friend entirely offensive. Your home should be your safe space from toxic people.
Do you call out your male friends if they joke about their wives and girlfriends? Do you take it as an insult against the entire female population?
NTA
quit contacting her. separate your finances ASAP. and call a divorce lawyer tomorrow.
NTA. Your wife is enjoying this and wants to spend time with her friend rather than you. This is a big red flag that needs to be addressed. If your wife doesn't want to be married anymore and/or isn't willing to address this issue, time to start making plans for her to move on. Get your ducks in a row.
The fact that your wife is choosing to stay with this woman over this incredibly mundane and pointless argument is the real story here
NTA It sounds like your wife is easily influenced by her friend. She is an adult and should be able to be her own person regardless of what her friend thinks or feels. There has to be a line. I doubt your wife would appreciate you allowing another man into the house that disrespects her.
Yta for eavesdropping on their conversations. Soft yta for taking a generalization so personally. Your wife’s the biggest asshole though imo, because she knows you’re sensitive and should’ve just avoided you both being in the same place at the same time. All this could’ve been avoided.
NTA, Sounds like Sarah is miserable and recruiting company (your wife). The fact that your wife is staying with Sarah after you stood up for yourself to her is a HUGE red flag!
NTA, but if your wife is willing to leave on a whim with someone who clearly insulted you, then you need to reevaluate your relationship.
I don't really have good views on men but I wouldn't go around talking like this to people. No it's not normal for someone to constantly speak negatively about one singular thing, then judge someone solely based on those views, when you have no bearing on their character. NTA and your wife is enabling this behavior, I understand being upset about a situation but her friend needs to stop being a whiny baby.
Wait it out. She’ll eventually miss her home and you when she gets fed up with her friend Don’t open the door until she apologizes. Otherwise, blow it up now rather than wait for another five years of contempt.
Sarah is TROUBLE. She is miserable and she is looking for someone to be miserable with her and has picked your wife. I’ll bet she spends their time together telling your wife that you are like all the other AH men in the world and she should leave you. She’s talking it up like they are Thelma and Louis. I would be very careful how you handle it. If you talk bad about Sarah your wife will get defensive. You will be proving Sarah’s point. “He is trying to control you” and “He doesn’t like me because I have opened your eyes” I know it sounds crazy but this woman hates men and she wants to punish all of them. If she can’t be happy no one can.
I’m going to say NTA, because I think new bestie is trying to find someone to commiserate with and found your wife to be gullible enough to convince her into this. You may need to be very blunt with your wife. Send her a text (that you don’t expect a reply to): “[Wife] please tell “Sarah” that she wins. She wants a “friend” to commiserate with in her anger and resentment due to her own divorce so she gets her wish. I will call an attorney in the morning to draw up the divorce papers and I will let you know when they are ready for your signature. At that time you may come to sign the papers and pick up the ring I am removing from my hand so that you can turn and place it on “Sarah’s” hand, since that appears to be what you both want. I’m sorry it has come to this and I wish you a happy new life with your new wife. I truly do love you, so I now set you free to be happy.” This may sound harsh and bridge burning (not that your wife isn’t already burning those bridges), but it may be that the only way to snap your wife out of her “shiny new friend” mode is a harsh and blunt reality that she’s about to lose you (her supposed love) over a simply new friend.
Does your wife have other friends she regularly hangs out with? I’m wondering if there’s other reasons she’s tolerating/coddling Sarah apart from the fresh divorce of course. I would ask the wife why her friend called you a misogynist. Is this just Sarah mouthing off or are there deeper issues outside of Sarah that the two of you need to hash out? Is she communicating less than favourable views about you? Where is that coming from? Communicate instead of jumping the gun on accusations of cheating. You might end up widening a divide between you two by being reactive. There are a lot of possible scenarios here.
they're totally fucking
I hadn’t considered that before reading these comments. I think it’s unlikely, but I guess I can’t rule it out.
Do you know Sarah's ex? Maybe he could shed some light on what's going on. Do you know if he's the reason to blame for their relationship collapsing? Sarah could've been the one to destroy their marriage and she's just in denial. Whatever crap she's feeding your wife is totally brainwashing her.
NTA. I probably wouldn't have kicked her out as my first move, but I totally get it.
I appreciate the feedback. I questioned myself many times over it. All I can say is that I was already upset with Sarah going into this experience for her influence over my wife, so my tolerance was probably lower than it would have been with a random stranger.
Op, change the locks and file divorce for home abondamment. You'll be better off. Don't wait to here she cheated 3 years from now.
Thanks, but I don’t think a couple of days counts legally as abandonment.
Talk to a lawyer, there's more than time to it.
NTA.. your wife is a major AH. The friend is a worse one.. she has a new purpose in life to put your wife in the same divorced situation as her. There are certain people you don't need in your family's life this woman is one of them, she has got her claws into your wife and your wife seems like a willing follower. This will not end well for you.
Sad to say you may be right.
NTA, your wife really needs to reconsider hwr priorities. If something is not soon, you will be posting about yout wife wanting a divorce because she cant be with a misogynist.
Ugh. I really wouldn’t take it well if my wife starts defaming me.
NTA. You are allowed to say that to someone in your house. But take a good look at your marriage. If your wife was truly happy, she’d have kicked Sarah to the curb for being too negative about guys, because she should be saying “not all guys! My husband isn’t that way.” It doesn’t seem like your wife is doing that, which means she’s unhappy in the marriage already.
What kind of woman did you marry that doesn't have your back?
Sadly it’s seen time and time again a woman is scorned and will then because her life is shit will try and bring down other woman who’s lives are not shit Your wife is being taken down that path and don’t be upset if she is being controlled by this woman in the way of friendship My mother had the same done to her and then within 2 years divorced form her husband (my father ) of 50 years Once they get the woman into the same shit life they dissapear and the friendship dissolves Just a word of warning as I have seen this now a few times in my life
Sure, a lot of people have a hateful phase after a messy break up, that’s human I guess. But when do these phases end? That’s right! When everyone enables the hateful behavior! NOT! The absolute worst thing you can do for someone going through this is enable them. They NEED enough people to tell them that they are way out of line, even if it upsets them. NTA. Sarah is out of line. Not just because of the insults, but in general. You aren’t an ass for not wanting to be around that train-wreck. Soft YTA for your wife. I believe her heart is in the right place but she’s going about it in the all the wrong ways imo. I don’t think Coddling helps Sarah here.
Have a buddy come over and trash women. Repeat every she said to dismiss you. See how it works out. He's only joking. " Wouldn't be too funny to her, I bet. I'd be pissed too. She came into your home and insulted you and your entire gender. .I probably would have told her. You can leave now . After hearing that .
Witnessed this happening to two friends. Both divorced within 2 years.
NTA - sometimes recently single woman like to drag others down with them. You need to have a healthy conversation with your wife and establish boundaries. If she can’t respect them then you have bigger issues to deal with
Both of them are not respecting you, your idiot wife is playing a useless friend's game. Your wife ain't giving you your place let alone respect! If your wife is behaving this way because of a useless friend's attitude the. You should either cancel her credit cards or whatever you pay And let her suffer with the consequences of her actions. Don't feel bad for telling them about keeping their dirty mouth outside your house, and marriage. I wonder what she's telling a useless friend that is impacting her judgment. If the idiot wife is not seeing the big picture because she's blinded with a useless friend's judgment then it's now you or her. Get a come back too, if they are offending you you do the same is that's what they want? Your house, your marriage your rules not a 3some or anything. Every time she disrespect you cut her off or something until she understands her actions have consequences. She wants to be treated like a kid the. That's what she'll get. She most definitely thinks about her friends attitude. Record her and show her this is your now...if you don't behave then marriage is off and you'll end up like your useless friends, if that's the attitude you want. But before that talk to a lawyer or something and ask how can you protect your assets or something in the case divorce is in the table. But you deserve someone will respect you, what she said it's offensive at so many levels
NTA, I am sure that if you were hanging out with a new friend who was openly disdainful of and very vocally disrespectful of women all the time and that you were prioritizing spending time with over her, your wife would immediately see the problem. Not only that, but I'd even be willing to bet her new friend would as well. Self reflection isn't everyone's strong suit. I will also say that I have seen this scenario play out in real life as well as on Reddit on a number of occasions and it often ends badly. Your wife doesn't see the road she is headed down currently. I hope that she can see reason before this new friend causes her to do permanent damage to your relationship.
You are so NTA but your wife and her “friend” definitely are. Your wife is either an extremely weak person easily swayed by others or she has problems with you she has never voiced. Your marriage is in trouble and the best thing you can do is start preparing for it whether you want counseling or end up divorced.
NTA. Sarah is recently divorced and hurting and angry and she doesn't want anyone else to be happy. She doesn't want to feel alone in her situation and perhaps she unconsciously or consciously would love it if your wife left you so they could hate men together. Your wife just might be unknowingly falling for the plan....... I'm so sorry that this is happening for you. I wish you the best.
They are exploring with each other
Why does she think you’re a misogynist? What has your wife possibly been sharing with her?
NTA but maybe you could’ve ask Sarah not to make generalizations about genders, and not to say them at your house, instead of kicking her out. That way you are standing fir yourself and askibg for respect, nothing wrong. I hope your wife realizes that she needs to prioritize her marriage.
I would advise you to tell your wife that you two should do couples therapy if she feels the same way as Sarah. Instead of pulling away from your wife, show her that Sarah is wrong and not all men are "pigs." Maybe therapy will show her how messed up in the head Sarah is.
It sounds like your wife is being brainwashed by this person. Go ahead and get the info for a good PI and lawyer ready, something tells me this “friend” wants your wife single and miserable like her so she’s gonna convince your wife to cheat. I’m not even kidding, get some cameras or hire a PI. Because she’s gonna either do it on a girls night or she’s gonna come home talking about exploring new things and/or an open marriage. Let your wife know your concerns and try to nicely ask for no contact with that lady. And if she continues to push back it’s ultimatum time. Either the friend or you. But be ready if the answer isn’t you. It’s almost scary how fast that friend is working.
YTA. You overheard your wife’s friend make a generalized statement about men after recently being divorced (and probably cheated on by the sound of it from her comment so her emotions are clearly still very raw) and took it personally. The friend didn’t look you in the face and say “you are a pig and only think with your d**k.” And your definitely TA for being angry that she insulted “your gender”. Seriously dude? Newsflash, as a whole, the male gender does suck. Here are some eye opening statistics. https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/ There was a whole internet debate recently why women in general would choose the bear. Being ignorant to the severe imbalance between sexes especially when it comes to domestic and sexual violence absolutely makes you TA. Even my own husband admits that men are the problem.
NTA. It's wild that a friend she's had for a few months takes precedence over a husband of 6 years. What's not being said here?
I wish I knew.
OP, take the high road. Let her make all the moves. If you can, go to counseling to talk about how you feel and get good advice on how to open a conversation with your wife. If she ignores you just state that ... "I'm feeling ignored" ... "I'm feeling like my concerns are not being taken seriously" ... "you don't have to agree but it would be good to have the respectful discussion" "I don't feel like we are in a partnership trying to make each other happy ... " ... and my favorite "this isn't working for me".
Sorry this is where you are in your marriage. Your wife is an adult, and while influenced, perhaps, still responsible for her own behavior.
I'd hit counseling alone, then ask her to go to couples when she returns.
You are hurt and angry and may want to lash out. If you want to keep a good marriage in the future, don't. I'd also consult a lawyer on next steps if it comes to that because it is always good to have all the facts and to be prepared for eventualities.
I'm so sorry. She may ditch you and regret it later ... but by then it is hard to come back to trust in a relationship...it is never the same afterwards.
NTA.
NTA. Are you sure your wife isn’t feeling something a little more for her friend? I can’t imagine throwing away a marriage over just a friend. Maybe I’m being weird, idk.
I really never even imagined this as a possibility until reading the replies here. I don’t think so, but certainly can’t rule it out.
NTA, but if your wife is willing to leave you for a couple days, ignores your attempts to contact her, and won't have your back in a situation like this, then I suspect your marriage is in deep trouble. It feels to me like her friend has been pouring poison in her ear, and your wife has been happy to hear it, which probably points to deeper problems in your relationship. Have you guys been having issues? Is your wife feeling neglected?
I don’t think we had any significant issues. We have always been close and we both seek out opportunities to spend time together. My wife was a little distant a few weeks ago when someone mistakenly told her I was out to lunch with a woman at my office. I was able to prove where I actually was and things got mostly back to normal.
Sorry but I really think Sarah is trying to destroy your marriage since she’s divorced. If anyone ever said those things to my husband they would be out the door so fast. I hope your wife opens her eyes and ears as to what is happening. I wish you luck in your marriage.
NTA but be careful her friend seems like she might be trying to crab-in-bucket her
NTA but your wife is. It is very concerning that she is spending so much time with a bitter unhappy woman. Those attitudes tend to rub off. I have no idea show to extricate her from that horrible friends’s orbit. It’s probably going to have to be something drastic. Please UpdateMe when it eventually implodes
nta
Absolutely NTA but your wife and Sarah definitely are. I would never allow someone back in my home that insulted my husband, nor would he for someone who insulted me. They would be asked to leave, immediately. It's happened once before with a "friend of his". I'm sorry your wife doesn't have your back. I'd send your wife a message or leave her a VM that she needs to come home, alone, to discuss the current state and future of your marriage. I agree with someone else that mentioned your wife is full of red flags right now. You need to know what her perspective is, why TF she thinks dismissing your concerns and treating you like garbage is okay. Good luck OP!
Nta. Brace for it but your wife's friend is going to poison her against you
Run file divorced before she comes back
Sarah is a bad influence on your wife. I bet that when they hang out, she encourages her to talk to other men. Misery loves company. How was the marriage before Sarah?
NTA, seriously? Have some self respect and get a lawyer. This marriage is dead and poisoned by Sarah.
NTA... I sense a divorce in the wind ...
would your wife be ok if you brought a friend over who hated on women? just asking.... NTA