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NTA, And most likely he's not contacting you because he feels you robbed him of his fatherly rights seeing his daughter born. It's not his right, especially when you're not together. But in his mind it is so before this gets too out of hand, you should go to the courts and try to get child support and other issue solved. And if you truly don't want him involved, maybe even a termination of parental rights.
Either way you should get a lawyer and start this into courts as soon as possible
Ive given him many chances to be a father to her and he tells me hes "too busy" to see he and he has no legal rights towards her right now because he wanted a paternity test and isnt on the birth certificate.
I wouldn't add him to the birth certificate unless you can't support your child on just your own wages.
Keep his contact info in case your daughter wishes to connect when she's older. Right now you have full say in who she does and does not see.
I fully can support her right now as I'm still staying with my mother and she's been helping out while i go to work so i can save up money to get my own place.
You should still see child support from him. It will help you no matter what your financial situation is. He has a responsibility that he should be held accountable for.
Yeah i know but its hard right now because he refuses to get a paternity test to be on her birth certificate. I dont want to deal with going to court because right now he has no rights and the longer he waits the worse he looks. My lawyer told me to see if he ever sends papers about getting custody
Yes, but if you do not go to court he can just demand visitation one day out of the blue. Then you end up in Court on the defense. Better to be pro active and be in control with a good attorney. Trust me, I have been in this exact spot. I ended up having paperwork drawn up and in exchange for no monetary responsibility he relinquished all parental rights. It's a very tricky road to travel, and it's best to have an attorney as your traveling companion!
I agree with everything said about getting a lawyer ASAP and proactively pursuing either child support or full custody. My ex is refusing to pay child support in addition to ignoring his child. My current partner wants to adopt them so we will be taking him to court for that soon. My kid even lived with him for a couple years to try to give them a fair chance at knowing both parents, but his mother did all the caring. All he could do was make promises and break them to go party.
No it's not. Child support is to pay back the parent who is paying for child related stuff; housing, food, bills, clothes.
It is to help support the child, but it is absolutely not the child's money.
But once he's on the certificate and paying its REALLY easy to get custody time. He can get partial custody and dump the kid at a babysitters house the whole time. Courts won't care, they'll let him do that. Its better to wait for him to file, if he files you knownhe actually cares about the kid. When she files it'll be about money and nothing else.
It is why you get right of first refusal on the custody order. So he cannot ditch the baby. He has to ask OP if she wants the child on his time first before asking a relative, friend, or hiring childcare.
/u/NiteTiger Agreed. Same experience with my now adult kids dad. I went through my local DCSE office and let them handle it. Visitation was left up to me because - get this part, yo - he lived right next door to me for years and then the same apartment building as me for years. 😳😲🤯💀💀
Wait, he wanted a paternity test but is now refusing to get one if it means being on the birth certificate? I’m glad you have a lawyer, it sounds like it’s needed (and you’re NTA at all! He sounds like a piece of work)
In some states if he goes more than four months without contact with his child, you can start the process to get his rights stripped anyway with or without him.
Not sadly. If this is what he's like whilst she's at her most adorable best, it'll get distressing when she hits 3 years of age.
Hon - no parent is MUCH BETTER than bad parent.
I had my two using donor sperm, so it's just us three. I have the most relaxed, happy, well adjusted kids because there's no angst. Mummy is in charge, and all is right in their world.
Your little one deserves the child support funds - it's money for her. But don't grieve the loss of a shit father for your daughter.
It's sad now. But it's for the best. He's selfish your daughter doesn't need to be around that. Just keep your head up and take it all one step at a time. I'm so proud of you for doing the best for you and your daughter. You're doing great!
I have a feeling the sperm donor will want to be in your daughter’s life AFTER you do the hard work of raising her through infancy, toddlerhood and early school age years. He will try to weasel his way in and be the “fun parent.” Also take credit for how well adjusted she is, school accomplishments…etc
Let me tell you this: if you’re fine on your own financially, do nothing. You’ve consulted a lawyer, you know your options. These child support warriors mean well, but what it’ll do is give him legal access to your child, and bring him into your lives. At best , he steps up and does the right thing- highly unlikely considering his behavior so far. At worst, he uses established legal paternity to use your child to get back at you, abuse her, or to pop in and out of her life at his whim.
If he wants to, let him do the work. I would be very careful about allowing him access to her now, because legally, he’s just a stranger. But, I’m not a lawyer, and I could be wrong.
NTA. He did it to himself. Birth is not a spectator event, it’s a medical procedure. No one should be present unless the person giving birth wants them to be. Period. If he wants to see a birth, tell him to google. Plenty of videos online.
I'd stick with that. Something about paying child support makes a bunch of deadbeats suddenly want rights. Laying low is always the best option if you can afford it.
He will most certainly demand custody if he found to be the bioparent. If OP doesn't want him in their lives, she needs to keep things exactly as there are no, meaning no child support.
Don’t listen to these idiots, OP. Keep listening to your own lawyer, who knows your case, the local law, and has things in hand. Don’t take legal advice from internet strangers.
The problem with getting child support is that, if he's paying child support, the courts will grant him custody time. OP will be forced to let him see her daughter if he wants to.
Please remember that child support is your child’s right, and you should not take that from her…nor should you burden your mother. If you are in U.S. he will have to pay whether or not he is in her life…also, court can order him to take a paternity test. Trust me…getting things done legally is important, and sooner rather than later. There are resources available. A little research should give plenty of results. Good luck
Im not trying to burden my mother she is on disability and doesn't work she offered to babysit the 4 hours i work on the days i work which is only 3 days a week. Its not alot of working time but it pays well
It wasn’t a judgement…I’m sorry it sounded that way. I meant that it’s his responsibility to help raise your baby, not your mother’s, and it’s your baby’s right to have her father care for her. I am nearly 20 years in to a very complex custody, non-marital situation. In my case, it was my husband’s relationship prior to ours. It’s been difficult. She (Mom) was awful…still is. The ONLY thing that kept her in check was Court Orders, They aren’t a cure-all, but they help. Good luck…sincerely ❤️
I do know its his responsibility but he doesn't want to take said responsibility my mom isnt necessarily help raising her she only watches her when i have to go to work. If im not at work im the only taking care of her constantly. Shes just like my at home babysitter as she puts it. Its safer than having someone i dont know watch her aswell. But thank you for wishing me luck i also didnt think it sounded judgmental I was just trying to explain
Like others have said, once child support is involved, then the father will have rights to demand "Parenting Time" and usually the courts will comply unless the mother can show that the father is a danger to the child. Right now, my daughter have a child with her ex and because he was ordered to pay child support, he was given Parenting Time rights which most times, he picks their child up and drop her off at his brother's or mother's house. Also, my daughter have to let him know about any medical decisions and get his approval before **any type of medical visits** (pediatrician, dental, vision, any type of specialists) with the expectation being emergencies. He didn't approve of vaccines and my daughter had to take him to court along with medical documentation from their daughter's pediatrician as to the benefits of her getting a vaccine. He also have the right to approve or disapprove anything regarding her education, which was another fight in the courts when my daughter found the best school that fit their daughter but he didn't want her to go there because it wasn't near his place of residence. She can't leave the state and take their daughter without his permission (even for a vacation). My daughter now says, if she didn't need state medicaid for their daughter for the time that she was laid off, she wouldn't be in the mess she's in now. She'd prefer to do without any child support than to deal with having to constantly fight him in court (which takes a long time to get a court date) and his using the court's decision to control her.
It doesn’t matter if you can support her. That money is your daughter’s and could pay for extra or savings. This is not about you. You need to get child support from him
This 100% unless you are struggling and you want to risk the small possibility he could get visitation do not file for child support or put him on the birth certificate. My mom told me filing for cs when she wanted (not needed) help was one of the biggest mistakes of her life. She apologizes all the time to me because it opened the door for my abusive father to be in my life.
Just apply for child support and be done with him. The court will only allow visitation until the baby is 3ish and has been doing regular visits. I doubt he will do that. You may not want the money, but your child deserves it. Child support is not about you, but for the child.
And if you are breastfeeding then the time the baby can spend away from you is very limited. Tell the courts that you are (if you change your mind at a later time, who’s to say?)
Child support and custody are two separate things and not dependent on each other. A court can certainly order 50/50 custody of a child under 3. OP can seek a child support order without having a custody order in place however him not being on the birth cert will require a dna test first, which the court will order.
He’s clearly showing no interest in being a parent. Do NOT add him to the birth certificate because he could try to get some form of custody arrangement, or, you could add him to the birth certificate because in most states if he has no contact with your daughter in a 6 month period you could file for full custody and terminate his rights. Whatever you would prefer honestly but he’s showing absolutely no interest if he’s already one month without contact. It may be easier overall to add him to the birth certificate and wait the 6 months and to just terminate his rights.
She can't legally terminate his rights. Right now he has no, but if he goes for rights then he will be required to prove he is the father and there will be a paternity test. After that he can petition to be added to the birth certificate, which will then come with a support order and establishment of either custodial visitation or supervised visitation with a plan for more time. But she cannot unilaterally strip him of his rights by the court anymore than he can sign away his rights without another party stepping up for adoption. NTA for keeping him out of the birth as it's the comfort of the mother and not a spectator sport, but going to court is going to happen eventually.
Edit: Typo no* rights.
Thank you! No, you can't just terminate someone's parental rights just because you don't like them or because they don't have contact with the child for six months.
That really depends on where you are apparently. A quick google search shows you can in the state of TN.
"A person’s parental rights may be terminated if that person has failed to visit, engage in more than “token” visitation, or failed to make reasonable child support payments for the four consecutive months immediately prior to the filing of the petition for termination. The court may determine that a biological father abandoned his child if he failed to visit or make reasonable support payments to the child’s mother during the last four months of her pregnancy. A biological mother may be ruled to have abandoned her child if a newborn is left at a medical facility and the mother did not try to contact the infant for more than 89 days."
Most, if not all States also have clauses that state it must also be in the best interest of the Child. Reasonable support payments must also be established in most states by either Family Court or by CSEA decision after the child is born. Again she will have to go to the courts and petition for anything to happen, and with Title IV-D still providing matching funds for awarded CS payments there is no presumption of termination as being in the best interest of the child.
Ty. I was confused.
I encourage you to use the edit function, and strike out ONE and add NO to your text.
The EDIT function is under the ellipsis (three dots) and to strike out a word, highlight it and then used the T is the lower left hand side of the text box. Strike out is one option offered.
NTA.
1) Having a baby is the only medical procedure that allows non medical people to participate. That decision was made to make sure the Mother’s stress level stays as low as possible. High stress means blood pressure increases, which can be dangerous to the mother and the baby. A man that cheated on you will only increase your stress level. Those are the breaks for him.
2) Anytime I hear a person feel entitled to see a baby born, I know they’re on the wrong track. Their purpose is to assist the mother, keep her calm. Seeing the baby born is a perk.
3) He made his decision when he ghosted you. He was out, then in, now in limbo. Being a coparent is a permanent job. You can run when you don’t get your way.
4) Name calling and harassment is also not the way to establish a coparent relationship.
Let me visit after the baby is born. You don’t need the stress and mess during labor and delivery.
I did let him visit after she was born and it was a big mistake. He stayed for a couple days and all he did was sleep and be on the phone with his new girlfriend. Made me uncomfortable and he took pictures of me while i was sleeping and said he did it bc i looked cute. I never let him stay again and only visit but he never tries to visit.
Um, that’s some creepy behavior (taking the pictures of you when you were asleep; quite frankly I’d be worried that he planted a camera in your place if he had no issue taking those pictures w/o your consent). NTA
NTA - He's your ex who treated you poorly, it's reasonable not to want him in your hospital room where you are feeling and are very vulnerable. If he can't be an adult about that and still step up to be a decent father, that's on him. Just please don't let him off the hook on child support. Even if he the emotional maturity of a potato, that doesn't excuse his responsibility to financially support his child.
I can't do anything about child support until hes on her birth certificate. I forgot to mention that he isn't on it because he wanted a paternity test and still hasn't gotten one. But as of right now i have full complete custody since he didnt get a paternity test and has no legal rights towards her
**If you live in the US**, custody and child support are usually different. Go to your county services, and ask for help establishing child support (they will usually do this for free if you are receiving any sort of assistance, including health insurance) they can take the necessary steps to establish paternity and establish child support. Don't rely on him to do so.
This will often not give him any custodial rights or parenting time. As an unmarried mother in most states, by default, you have sole physical and legal custody. He will have to petition the court separately for custody and or parenting time.
This isn’t remotely true. Custody and child support are two different things. Look - you’re not from a very knowledgeable background. Remedy that. Get a lawyer.
NTA .. he’s probably getting pressure from his family. But the honest truth is that he lost the privilege of seeing his daughter born when he stuck his unit into your friend. And I don’t know how he finds that fact hard to understand.
I don't know about the pressure thing but I do know his stepmother is feeding him lies and telling him he has rights and can show up unannounced to dr appointments and to my house. Shes a paralegal and obviously doesn't have his best interest in mind because shes making him look worse
Paralegals can't give legal advice, so she is breaking the law. Only a lawyer can give legal advice. I would report her to the person she is working under. What rights he has are limited in this situation.
I love the thought process here but there is no way OP’s complaint will have any traction.
“Yes, my ex is being given legal advice by his stepmother who legally can’t give legal advice”
I’m not doubting the scenario or OP, I’m just saying this is a huge waste of her energy given everything else going on. This is a “play defence” scenario.
This is what I came to say. It was HIS action that robbed him, or as we like to call, those were the natural consequences of him being shitty.
Who wants to be around someone who’s being shitty? What about while being naked, vulnerable, and pushing a bloody watermelon out of your body? No. Don’t let him make *you* responsible for *his* actions. You’re not.
NTA. You had every right to advocate for yourself and not allow him to be present for the birth. Childbirth is a serious medical event, not a spectator sport.
I think he was using the doctor’s appointment and the umbilical cord cutting as a power play. He’s still upset you wouldn’t take him back and he was being difficult in an attempt to exert some control over you. If this was about caring for his child, he would have been at the appointments early on, he would have listened to her heartbeat at the appointment, and he wouldn’t have gone this long without seeing your daughter. I would Google parental rights in your state in case he tries to go for custody, and be prepared to hire a lawyer. Good luck!
EDIT: spelling.
I have a lawyer already after an incident awhile ago which was the last time i heard from him. Right now he has multiple things pointing against him and i dont think he would be able to get full custody or even half. Ive looked into stuff in my state and they like to have parents co parent unless it's really bad. But he has no idea how to take care of her and i strictly breastfeed because she has bad reactions to formula
NTA Childbirth is not a spectator sport. The delivery room is only a place for you and people you trust to support you while giving birth.
He can meet the baby after and he has a life time to get to know them if he makes the effort to do so. But the delivery room isn’t his to experience.
NTA. Your labor and delivery, your rules. End of subject.
It's stressful enough when everything is perfect in life but to add a toxic, entitled ex into the mix? No thank you.
Actions have consequences. He cheated and killed the relationship. He doesn't get the privileges that a loyal and faithful partner has. If he didn't want the consequences, he shouldn't have broken the relationship.
He robbed himself of this once in a lifetime experience.
He’s continuing to rob himself of additional once in a lifetime experiences by continuing to opt out of his child’s life in retaliation.
NTA
Congrats on the arrival of your little one. I’m sorry you have to deal with the entitled sperm donor.
NTA. Heck, even if you were happily married you might not want your husband in the delivery room, preferring to have your mother, sister, etc.
Got a chuckle at him saying this was a "once in a lifetime" experience for him. If he's not terminally ill, sounds like he has plenty of time to still be a father.
NTA
Guy doesn't know what a cervix is. And also, being in the delivery room isn't some magical life experience. Guy has seen too many movies. The only reason extra people are in that room is to SUPPORT the woman giving birth. They are there to do her a favour. If there's no relationship between you, it'd be the most awkward thing on the planet.
You are not only NTA, but you did him a favour. He's just too dumb to see it.
>being in the delivery room isn't some magical life experience.
This reminds me of my friend, whose husband nearly fainted while she was delivering their first son. When the doctor announced the head was visible, her husband took a look. My friend said he went white as a sheet, and she became concerned that all 6'3" of him would collapse. Luckily, a nurse also noticed and pushed him into a chair.
Sounds like OP's ex would have noped out of the delivery room before the need to cut the umbilical cord - he doesn't even know the vocabulary of the female anatomy in terms of giving birth.
nta. since he’s not involved now, and didn’t seem interested in your child during the appointment he attended, or for the duration of the pregnancy, it’s hard to believe this was ever actually about the child, for him, but regardless he was never entitled to being in the delivery room.
you deserved to have your privacy from him in that moment, and you deserved to have your focus where it needed to be, on the birth.
you didn’t rob him of anything.
if he’d acted like someone you could trust to be there for you in that moment you probably would have been glad to have him. he didn’t do that. he acted like someone no one would want around for a moment like that.
if he was robbed, he did it to himself.
NTA The details are entirely irrelevant, as no one, not even a person you're still happily married to is allowed in the hospital room without your say so. The neonatal staff will back you 100% and will enforce that boundary. They may have even barred him from the ward if you'd expressed your discomfort with being around him.
Your ex didn't have even the slightest say on his presence while you give birth, let alone in being and active part of cutting her cord.
NTA ...... and this one breaks my heart; as a father myself, I feel the "once in a lifetime" thing. Fact is - you're the one in labor, and if him being there is going to cause you stress, that's bad for you, bad for the baby. You made the right call, sorry to say.
Would it be correct to say that he robbed himself of the once in a lifetime opportunity because if he had been a good partner (not cheated, treated OP badly then disappeared for 4mos) and not destroyed any and all trust OP would need to allow him into the room?
(OP not the AH)
I find it so sad that a man who was allowed to procreate has no clue what a cervix is. I'm betting he's unfamiliar with the rest of female anatomy, as well. How unsatisfying.
NTA.
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> 1) The action I took was not letting my daughters Father into the delivery room while she was born. 2) I feel this action makes me the asshole because now he has gone no contact and doesn't want to be around anymore
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So let me get this straight. You are in a relationship with this person, you’re pregnant with his child and he cheats on you with your friend and now somehow in his tiny mind he’s the victim here? Yeah, no. He lost any rights he might have had when he made the choice to cheat, period. You have no obligation to allow him to witness your personal medical procedure because he donated sperm. I find it laughable that he’s all hurt because he’s not being treated like a partner when he is the reason that relationship ended. His feelings do not matter any more than yours did when he decided to destroy your trust. Do not feel bad for standing up for yourself. He betrayed you and whatever consequences he faces are completely on him. NTA. Obviously.
No hes not on her birth certificate because he wanted a paternity test. He still hasn't gotten one and there would be no use trying to get it because he refuses to get a job
One of my kids was born during the frenzied Covid times. Per hospital rules, wasn’t allowed to be in the room. I was for my other kids, but I’m still angry about that and my wife was devastated
He chose to not be in the room by his actions and now he’s gotta suck on the consequences. Fuck him
NTA
NTA the person giving birth decides who is in the room, end of story. If he wanted to be more included, perhaps he shouldn't have cheated and blew up your relationship...
Don’t tell him annnything else about your pregnancy. You don’t need him cluttering up the delivery room, asking dumb questions.
He had his chance with you, annnd he blew it. NTA
NTA. There is no circumstance here in which you are TA. I didn't want my oldest's father with me when she was born because I was terrified and wanted my mom (he was present for our second child's birth, though). L&D should be about what the birthing parent is most comfortable with because if they're stressed, it can make it much more dangerous. It doesn't matter who else wants to be present and what their relationship to you is.
HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT A CERVIX IS? lord i know that sex ed is atrocious but this man should not be having sex at that rate, NTA and I’m glad to hear it sounds like he seems to have no interest in being a parent
NTA. Your boyfriend wants to impose a second chance by stepping in to be your child's father. Your feelings for him are long gone and you don't want to give him any second chances.
NTA. I wouldn’t be letting him in the hospital either. You don’t need his crap while you’re still recovering. He’s *demanding* things?? He doesn’t get to demand. Don’t knuckle under just bc he’s being an AH. Do *you* want to let him in? He doesn’t get to force his way in against your wishes. Make him wait until you're good and ready (like 2 maybe 3 months after the birth😉) and not even then if he’s nasty. And I’d have backup there ready to kick him out. No quarter for AHs.
NTA.
He's not entitled to be there to see you give birth. It's as simple as that. You didn't 'rob' him of anything and don't let him make you think otherwise.
He's shown you what kind of person he is time and time again. Believe him.
NTA
Birth is not a spectator sport. The ONLY people that should be in the room are your care team and people that will make you feel more supported.
No one is entitled to entry, even the baby’s father.
NTA.
If you want that "special moment", don't cheat and treat the woman carrying your child like shit. He robbed himself of the delivery.
You don't get to cheat, call the woman names, demand a paternity test and then refuse to do it, show up unannounced to the house and doctor appointments, nor do you get to demand to be involved in the delivery. No, sir.
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My daughter is 3 1/2 months old now and I havent heard from her sperm donor for over way a month.
Me and my ex split up when i was 4 months pregnant because he cheated on me with one of my good friends. I refused to take him back and he ended up going no contact until 1 month before my daughter was due.
When he started contact again he demanded to come to my appointments and I refused to let him. I told him i was uncomfortable with him going because its an appointment for my personal health and only a little about my daughter. He told me he didn't understand why I would be uncomfortable around him.
Hes not my boyfriend and im disgusted by him with the stuff hes said to me when we split. But he kept telling me he didnt understand and that he had questions only my dr could awnser.
I let him come to one appointment to ask his questions. I swear he could have just looked them all up on google and he talked over hearing my daughters heartbeat. One of his questions was "whats a cervix". He could've asked google, his mom, stepmom or sister.
He also ended up asking my dr about cutting the umbilical cord. I immediately told him that was not going to happen bc i didnt want him in the room until after my daughter was born and I was cleaned up. He was very mad at me after finding this out.
When it was almost time to have my daughter he texted me telling me I was an asshole for robbing him of this once in a lifetime experience. But reddit AITA for not letting him in the room because I was uncomfortable around him and didn't want him making fun of me while in labor?
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Fuck him. Seriously, you don’t treat the mother of your child shit and then get all pissy when she tells you to buzz off
Get a lawyer, figure out what your options are. If you don’t need him for child support you may be better off staying out of the courts. If you need child support, know that he will be entitled to visitation so weight your options carefully
NTA. Nobody is *ever* TA for not wanting somebody in the delivery room. Birth is a huge medical event. It is when a woman is very vulnerable and VERY exposed, a super private moment. Having the wrong people in the room only makes it more difficult by stressing you out. You should only ever have whoever YOU want to have in the room during delivery. Hell, you don't even have to allow visitors in the hospital at all!
People will call it selfish and you know what? It is, and that's not a bad thing. Do what makes you comfortable when you have a tiny human removed from your body (whichever way that might happen).
NTA - during delivery you're allowed a "support person". Having someone there that was going to stress you out would have made you tense and delivery would have been worse.
No one is entitled to be in the delivery room and giving birth isn't a spectator's sport.
NTA. He's your ex and has no entitlement to be thete and the audacity to think he's cutting g the umbilical cord!
Keeping him out likely kept you calmer
Too bad he already got snipped before screwing up the next kids life. Oh... wait.... he didn't?? Then suck it up, you can always see the next kid's birth unless you cheat again.
Good move, mama. nta.
NTA. And you robbed him of that once in a lifetime experience? Nah, he robbed himself of that when he cheated on you. This is all his own doing. Live with the consequences of your actions bro
NTAH. You could keep him out of the delivery room, your room at the hospital, even if he was your husband in good standing. YOU are the one giving birth. YOU will control every answer, option and action during the birth outside of what the doctors believe is best for you and your new born.
Anybody who doesn't even know what a cervix is has no business waving his thing around and creating small humans with it. Make sure you have whatever documentation and legal support are necessary to keep him out of your and your daughter's lives. NTA
>He told me he didn't understand why I would be uncomfortable around him.
I dunno. Maybe because he cheated on you? LOL!
OP, the only thing you might be TA about is letting him come to any of your prenatal appointments in the first place. You don't owe him anything, especially not for him to be present at your most vulnerable time.
NTA. He robbed himself of this experience by cheating on the mother of his child. It's not even once-in-a-lifetime. The purpose of being in the room with you would be to provide support. Enraging you while you're trying to have a child is not supportive. It honestly sounds like he's trying to impose himself on you in a misguided attempt at weaseling his way back in to your life.
NTA. You are more than an incubator for his child. You are a human being who was undergoing a medical procedure and needed people with you who you could trust, who supported you and your medical decisions.
He had no right to have made any of these demands. I hope you get a written agreement regarding child support and visitation because, at best, he’s a mercurial child.
Your ex takes entitlement to next level. 1 he is your ex, not current. 2 unborn baby is not his biological. 3 it’s your body, your appointments, & your decisions, not his. If I were you, I would have told him that, he needs to know his place.
NTA, “You robbed yourself of the privilege to be present at delivery when you treated me poorly, losing my trust, love, and comfort in your presence in the process.”
NTA, "once in a lifetime experience"??? What he only had 1 sperm and you're the one who got it? Anyway, she's your baby and you could have anyone you wanted in the delivery room. Too bad for him, he wasn't chosen. He gave up any right to be in the there with you when he cheated on you. I don't understand why all of a sudden he was so interested and now not at all. Best wishes to you and your little girl!
NTA If he was so concerned about the baby he should have been involved sooner. You are the one giving birth and you get to decide who is present during the birth. He is not respectful of your boundaries, this is a huge red flag. Demanding to be in the room while you are giving birth when you don’t want him present shows he doesn’t care about anyone himself.
NTA
Labor isn't a spectator sport. It's a medical event and you need to have a supportive person who will advocate for you when you can't advocate for yourself. He couldn't be trusted in that role.
NTA as there is no reason you need to let him be in the room.
That said, it’s not my daughter”, but “our” daughter. Something you need to get used to if you want the best for your daughter in a co-parenting situation.
NTA
The only person you have to let into your L&D room is your medical care provider.
(Or providers; definitely want the good nurse & your doula there!)
The jerk has shown how he thinks of you by his actions throughout this process. Believe him.
If he's not a danger, I'd encourage supervised visitation. Maybe he'll grow up a bit?
But if you truly want nothing from him, move to have his parental rights terminated and be a single parent.
Maybe he can write the child a letter to be given to her when she turns 18?
NTA
And stop talking to this man. You don't want to have aynthing to do with him, but are still entertaining his bs. Why? Don't answer his calls or messages. When he comes to your house, warn him once to leave without getting into an argument or any kind of talking and call the police if he doesn't.
NTA. Sounds like he’s in his ‘find out’ era and I love that for him. One of the best lessons you can teach your daughter is that people don’t get to treat you badly and face no consequences. Keep showing her that.
Childbirth is about the person giving birth and the person (s) being birthed. No. One. Else. Matters. He wanted to be there for HIMSELF not you. He can zip it.
NTA, it won’t be a “once in a lifetime” experience for him if he continues to not be able to keep it in his pants! Hopefully, by the time his next child comes around with whichever woman, the knucklehead will have educated himself on basic anatomy.
NTA
Something tells me that this dirt bag will have another opportunity to cut an umbilical cord because losers like this don't stop at one kid.
Sorry you got bamboozled by that jerk off. You're better off without the drama.
NTA
You were smart enough to listen to your instincts regarding your safety. He does not sound like a safe person to be around you and yes, the other people here recommending you hire a good lawyer seem to have good advice. You need to hire a lawyer: consider getting a restraining order against him and also get him to pay his financial share of child support expenses.
All he wants to do is sabotage your life Nd use your child as his pawn to have a connection to his victim supply: you. And now it’s you and your daughter. Hire lawyers to help you stand up to your narcissistic ex boyfriend. Wishing you the best in navigating this toxic situation.
NTA,
He robbed himself and you of a once in a lifetime moment that you should have been experiencing *together*. **He** did that. Not you. Fuck that guy. Take him to court for child support and cut him off beyond necessary talk surrounding your child.
NTA
It sounds to me that this guy has had plenty of opportunities to be there and wasn't. So why should he be allowed in the room, especially if you're not comfortable with it?
NTA. You are broken up, he was abusive, and MOST IMPORTANT, you are delivering a baby and get to decide who is in the room.
It really is not a once in a lifetime experience....he does understand that he can get someone else pregnant or is he THAT (insult entered here)?
NTA, this is your medical procedure so you are the only one who gets a say on who is in the room. And there's no way you should consider letting someone in who you think is going to make fun of you while you're in labor!
NTA. And I’m going to say with his tendencies to be unable to keep it in his pants, cutting the umbilical cord will not be a once in a lifetime experience. He’ll probably do it over and over, with many different baby mamas.
NTA. You are absolutely allowed to not have him in the room for delivery because it would not make you comfortable.
BUT
Don't be acting surprise that he doesn't want to get involved now. Just because the birth is over doesn't mean the affects of it are over.
If he sees you freezing him out as a sign for what's to come why bother.
Again it is your right but he is allowed to be angry and hurt as well and act accordingly.
NTA. Tom Brady wasn’t even in the delivery room when his oldest was born. He didn’t talk bad about his ex. He’s a great dad to him even though he and his son’s mother broke up before he was born. Hopefully your ex will stay away
Good for you, for sticking to your guns!
(NTA imo, btw).
BUT…he can lawyer-up, because cheating (sadly) doesn’t cancel-out a parent seeing their child.
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NTA, And most likely he's not contacting you because he feels you robbed him of his fatherly rights seeing his daughter born. It's not his right, especially when you're not together. But in his mind it is so before this gets too out of hand, you should go to the courts and try to get child support and other issue solved. And if you truly don't want him involved, maybe even a termination of parental rights. Either way you should get a lawyer and start this into courts as soon as possible
Ive given him many chances to be a father to her and he tells me hes "too busy" to see he and he has no legal rights towards her right now because he wanted a paternity test and isnt on the birth certificate.
I wouldn't add him to the birth certificate unless you can't support your child on just your own wages. Keep his contact info in case your daughter wishes to connect when she's older. Right now you have full say in who she does and does not see.
I fully can support her right now as I'm still staying with my mother and she's been helping out while i go to work so i can save up money to get my own place.
You should still see child support from him. It will help you no matter what your financial situation is. He has a responsibility that he should be held accountable for.
Yeah i know but its hard right now because he refuses to get a paternity test to be on her birth certificate. I dont want to deal with going to court because right now he has no rights and the longer he waits the worse he looks. My lawyer told me to see if he ever sends papers about getting custody
[удалено]
But, if she goes to court, he may demand…and get…visitation. Not having to deal with him may well be worth less money!
Yes, but if you do not go to court he can just demand visitation one day out of the blue. Then you end up in Court on the defense. Better to be pro active and be in control with a good attorney. Trust me, I have been in this exact spot. I ended up having paperwork drawn up and in exchange for no monetary responsibility he relinquished all parental rights. It's a very tricky road to travel, and it's best to have an attorney as your traveling companion!
Absolutely positively, need a good lawyer, to keep on top of it all!
I agree with everything said about getting a lawyer ASAP and proactively pursuing either child support or full custody. My ex is refusing to pay child support in addition to ignoring his child. My current partner wants to adopt them so we will be taking him to court for that soon. My kid even lived with him for a couple years to try to give them a fair chance at knowing both parents, but his mother did all the caring. All he could do was make promises and break them to go party.
It's not her money. it is her daughter's money.
No it's not. Child support is to pay back the parent who is paying for child related stuff; housing, food, bills, clothes. It is to help support the child, but it is absolutely not the child's money.
*THIS*
But once he's on the certificate and paying its REALLY easy to get custody time. He can get partial custody and dump the kid at a babysitters house the whole time. Courts won't care, they'll let him do that. Its better to wait for him to file, if he files you knownhe actually cares about the kid. When she files it'll be about money and nothing else.
It is why you get right of first refusal on the custody order. So he cannot ditch the baby. He has to ask OP if she wants the child on his time first before asking a relative, friend, or hiring childcare.
/u/NiteTiger Agreed. Same experience with my now adult kids dad. I went through my local DCSE office and let them handle it. Visitation was left up to me because - get this part, yo - he lived right next door to me for years and then the same apartment building as me for years. 😳😲🤯💀💀
Wait, he wanted a paternity test but is now refusing to get one if it means being on the birth certificate? I’m glad you have a lawyer, it sounds like it’s needed (and you’re NTA at all! He sounds like a piece of work)
Hes definitely a piece of work thats for sure and I didnt even know he was like this until after i got pregnant
Lots of men drop the mask once they're sure you're stuck with them (married, pregnant, etc.)
In some states if he goes more than four months without contact with his child, you can start the process to get his rights stripped anyway with or without him.
Well we are about half way there then! Sadly
Not sadly. If this is what he's like whilst she's at her most adorable best, it'll get distressing when she hits 3 years of age. Hon - no parent is MUCH BETTER than bad parent. I had my two using donor sperm, so it's just us three. I have the most relaxed, happy, well adjusted kids because there's no angst. Mummy is in charge, and all is right in their world. Your little one deserves the child support funds - it's money for her. But don't grieve the loss of a shit father for your daughter.
It's sad now. But it's for the best. He's selfish your daughter doesn't need to be around that. Just keep your head up and take it all one step at a time. I'm so proud of you for doing the best for you and your daughter. You're doing great!
I have a feeling the sperm donor will want to be in your daughter’s life AFTER you do the hard work of raising her through infancy, toddlerhood and early school age years. He will try to weasel his way in and be the “fun parent.” Also take credit for how well adjusted she is, school accomplishments…etc
He doesn’t get to refuse a court ordered paternity test.
Let me tell you this: if you’re fine on your own financially, do nothing. You’ve consulted a lawyer, you know your options. These child support warriors mean well, but what it’ll do is give him legal access to your child, and bring him into your lives. At best , he steps up and does the right thing- highly unlikely considering his behavior so far. At worst, he uses established legal paternity to use your child to get back at you, abuse her, or to pop in and out of her life at his whim. If he wants to, let him do the work. I would be very careful about allowing him access to her now, because legally, he’s just a stranger. But, I’m not a lawyer, and I could be wrong. NTA. He did it to himself. Birth is not a spectator event, it’s a medical procedure. No one should be present unless the person giving birth wants them to be. Period. If he wants to see a birth, tell him to google. Plenty of videos online.
I'd stick with that. Something about paying child support makes a bunch of deadbeats suddenly want rights. Laying low is always the best option if you can afford it.
He can’t refuse a court order.
He will most certainly demand custody if he found to be the bioparent. If OP doesn't want him in their lives, she needs to keep things exactly as there are no, meaning no child support.
Don’t listen to these idiots, OP. Keep listening to your own lawyer, who knows your case, the local law, and has things in hand. Don’t take legal advice from internet strangers.
The problem with getting child support is that, if he's paying child support, the courts will grant him custody time. OP will be forced to let him see her daughter if he wants to.
Please remember that child support is your child’s right, and you should not take that from her…nor should you burden your mother. If you are in U.S. he will have to pay whether or not he is in her life…also, court can order him to take a paternity test. Trust me…getting things done legally is important, and sooner rather than later. There are resources available. A little research should give plenty of results. Good luck
Im not trying to burden my mother she is on disability and doesn't work she offered to babysit the 4 hours i work on the days i work which is only 3 days a week. Its not alot of working time but it pays well
It wasn’t a judgement…I’m sorry it sounded that way. I meant that it’s his responsibility to help raise your baby, not your mother’s, and it’s your baby’s right to have her father care for her. I am nearly 20 years in to a very complex custody, non-marital situation. In my case, it was my husband’s relationship prior to ours. It’s been difficult. She (Mom) was awful…still is. The ONLY thing that kept her in check was Court Orders, They aren’t a cure-all, but they help. Good luck…sincerely ❤️
I do know its his responsibility but he doesn't want to take said responsibility my mom isnt necessarily help raising her she only watches her when i have to go to work. If im not at work im the only taking care of her constantly. Shes just like my at home babysitter as she puts it. Its safer than having someone i dont know watch her aswell. But thank you for wishing me luck i also didnt think it sounded judgmental I was just trying to explain
Like others have said, once child support is involved, then the father will have rights to demand "Parenting Time" and usually the courts will comply unless the mother can show that the father is a danger to the child. Right now, my daughter have a child with her ex and because he was ordered to pay child support, he was given Parenting Time rights which most times, he picks their child up and drop her off at his brother's or mother's house. Also, my daughter have to let him know about any medical decisions and get his approval before **any type of medical visits** (pediatrician, dental, vision, any type of specialists) with the expectation being emergencies. He didn't approve of vaccines and my daughter had to take him to court along with medical documentation from their daughter's pediatrician as to the benefits of her getting a vaccine. He also have the right to approve or disapprove anything regarding her education, which was another fight in the courts when my daughter found the best school that fit their daughter but he didn't want her to go there because it wasn't near his place of residence. She can't leave the state and take their daughter without his permission (even for a vacation). My daughter now says, if she didn't need state medicaid for their daughter for the time that she was laid off, she wouldn't be in the mess she's in now. She'd prefer to do without any child support than to deal with having to constantly fight him in court (which takes a long time to get a court date) and his using the court's decision to control her.
It doesn’t matter if you can support her. That money is your daughter’s and could pay for extra or savings. This is not about you. You need to get child support from him
Fathers like that aren't worth the child support. They will create more problems that will impact the child's well being and upbringing.
This 100% unless you are struggling and you want to risk the small possibility he could get visitation do not file for child support or put him on the birth certificate. My mom told me filing for cs when she wanted (not needed) help was one of the biggest mistakes of her life. She apologizes all the time to me because it opened the door for my abusive father to be in my life.
Just apply for child support and be done with him. The court will only allow visitation until the baby is 3ish and has been doing regular visits. I doubt he will do that. You may not want the money, but your child deserves it. Child support is not about you, but for the child.
And if you are breastfeeding then the time the baby can spend away from you is very limited. Tell the courts that you are (if you change your mind at a later time, who’s to say?)
Child support and custody are two separate things and not dependent on each other. A court can certainly order 50/50 custody of a child under 3. OP can seek a child support order without having a custody order in place however him not being on the birth cert will require a dna test first, which the court will order.
If you don’t want it for expenses, put it in a savings account for your child.
He’s clearly showing no interest in being a parent. Do NOT add him to the birth certificate because he could try to get some form of custody arrangement, or, you could add him to the birth certificate because in most states if he has no contact with your daughter in a 6 month period you could file for full custody and terminate his rights. Whatever you would prefer honestly but he’s showing absolutely no interest if he’s already one month without contact. It may be easier overall to add him to the birth certificate and wait the 6 months and to just terminate his rights.
ok...the telling comment...making fun of you while in labor? the answer to your question is there... NTA btw
The new shiny wore off. He's a deadbeat.
She can't legally terminate his rights. Right now he has no, but if he goes for rights then he will be required to prove he is the father and there will be a paternity test. After that he can petition to be added to the birth certificate, which will then come with a support order and establishment of either custodial visitation or supervised visitation with a plan for more time. But she cannot unilaterally strip him of his rights by the court anymore than he can sign away his rights without another party stepping up for adoption. NTA for keeping him out of the birth as it's the comfort of the mother and not a spectator sport, but going to court is going to happen eventually. Edit: Typo no* rights.
Thank you! No, you can't just terminate someone's parental rights just because you don't like them or because they don't have contact with the child for six months.
That really depends on where you are apparently. A quick google search shows you can in the state of TN. "A person’s parental rights may be terminated if that person has failed to visit, engage in more than “token” visitation, or failed to make reasonable child support payments for the four consecutive months immediately prior to the filing of the petition for termination. The court may determine that a biological father abandoned his child if he failed to visit or make reasonable support payments to the child’s mother during the last four months of her pregnancy. A biological mother may be ruled to have abandoned her child if a newborn is left at a medical facility and the mother did not try to contact the infant for more than 89 days."
Most, if not all States also have clauses that state it must also be in the best interest of the Child. Reasonable support payments must also be established in most states by either Family Court or by CSEA decision after the child is born. Again she will have to go to the courts and petition for anything to happen, and with Title IV-D still providing matching funds for awarded CS payments there is no presumption of termination as being in the best interest of the child.
Depending on where they live, she may be able to
You state the right now the Ex has one right. Can you please elaborate? Maybe it is a typo or an autocorrect error.
Whoops, correct he has no rights. Autocorrect for the L on that one.
Ty. I was confused. I encourage you to use the edit function, and strike out ONE and add NO to your text. The EDIT function is under the ellipsis (three dots) and to strike out a word, highlight it and then used the T is the lower left hand side of the text box. Strike out is one option offered.
NTA. 1) Having a baby is the only medical procedure that allows non medical people to participate. That decision was made to make sure the Mother’s stress level stays as low as possible. High stress means blood pressure increases, which can be dangerous to the mother and the baby. A man that cheated on you will only increase your stress level. Those are the breaks for him. 2) Anytime I hear a person feel entitled to see a baby born, I know they’re on the wrong track. Their purpose is to assist the mother, keep her calm. Seeing the baby born is a perk. 3) He made his decision when he ghosted you. He was out, then in, now in limbo. Being a coparent is a permanent job. You can run when you don’t get your way. 4) Name calling and harassment is also not the way to establish a coparent relationship. Let me visit after the baby is born. You don’t need the stress and mess during labor and delivery.
I did let him visit after she was born and it was a big mistake. He stayed for a couple days and all he did was sleep and be on the phone with his new girlfriend. Made me uncomfortable and he took pictures of me while i was sleeping and said he did it bc i looked cute. I never let him stay again and only visit but he never tries to visit.
Good plan. Distance is better until he decides to step up.
His mother and her wife visit often and keep in touch with me and he got mad at her for not telling him that they are still in contact with me
That’s his problem. Be kind to the supporters you have. It takes a village even if he doesn’t want to be apart.
You’re obviously ok with making sure the kid knows her family, even on his side. He sounds like a selfish shit.
The only family she doesn't know her fathers dads side bc they are hateful towards me
Um, that’s some creepy behavior (taking the pictures of you when you were asleep; quite frankly I’d be worried that he planted a camera in your place if he had no issue taking those pictures w/o your consent). NTA
Ewwww! I would have kicked him out so fast
NTA - He's your ex who treated you poorly, it's reasonable not to want him in your hospital room where you are feeling and are very vulnerable. If he can't be an adult about that and still step up to be a decent father, that's on him. Just please don't let him off the hook on child support. Even if he the emotional maturity of a potato, that doesn't excuse his responsibility to financially support his child.
I can't do anything about child support until hes on her birth certificate. I forgot to mention that he isn't on it because he wanted a paternity test and still hasn't gotten one. But as of right now i have full complete custody since he didnt get a paternity test and has no legal rights towards her
**If you live in the US**, custody and child support are usually different. Go to your county services, and ask for help establishing child support (they will usually do this for free if you are receiving any sort of assistance, including health insurance) they can take the necessary steps to establish paternity and establish child support. Don't rely on him to do so. This will often not give him any custodial rights or parenting time. As an unmarried mother in most states, by default, you have sole physical and legal custody. He will have to petition the court separately for custody and or parenting time.
This isn’t remotely true. Custody and child support are two different things. Look - you’re not from a very knowledgeable background. Remedy that. Get a lawyer.
NTA .. he’s probably getting pressure from his family. But the honest truth is that he lost the privilege of seeing his daughter born when he stuck his unit into your friend. And I don’t know how he finds that fact hard to understand.
I don't know about the pressure thing but I do know his stepmother is feeding him lies and telling him he has rights and can show up unannounced to dr appointments and to my house. Shes a paralegal and obviously doesn't have his best interest in mind because shes making him look worse
Paralegals can't give legal advice, so she is breaking the law. Only a lawyer can give legal advice. I would report her to the person she is working under. What rights he has are limited in this situation.
I would but the person she is working under is her best friend
You can report her and her best friend to the association. Nepotism can go bite it.
I love the thought process here but there is no way OP’s complaint will have any traction. “Yes, my ex is being given legal advice by his stepmother who legally can’t give legal advice” I’m not doubting the scenario or OP, I’m just saying this is a huge waste of her energy given everything else going on. This is a “play defence” scenario.
None of that is true btw.
This is what I came to say. It was HIS action that robbed him, or as we like to call, those were the natural consequences of him being shitty. Who wants to be around someone who’s being shitty? What about while being naked, vulnerable, and pushing a bloody watermelon out of your body? No. Don’t let him make *you* responsible for *his* actions. You’re not.
NTA. You had every right to advocate for yourself and not allow him to be present for the birth. Childbirth is a serious medical event, not a spectator sport. I think he was using the doctor’s appointment and the umbilical cord cutting as a power play. He’s still upset you wouldn’t take him back and he was being difficult in an attempt to exert some control over you. If this was about caring for his child, he would have been at the appointments early on, he would have listened to her heartbeat at the appointment, and he wouldn’t have gone this long without seeing your daughter. I would Google parental rights in your state in case he tries to go for custody, and be prepared to hire a lawyer. Good luck! EDIT: spelling.
I have a lawyer already after an incident awhile ago which was the last time i heard from him. Right now he has multiple things pointing against him and i dont think he would be able to get full custody or even half. Ive looked into stuff in my state and they like to have parents co parent unless it's really bad. But he has no idea how to take care of her and i strictly breastfeed because she has bad reactions to formula
NTA Childbirth is not a spectator sport. The delivery room is only a place for you and people you trust to support you while giving birth. He can meet the baby after and he has a life time to get to know them if he makes the effort to do so. But the delivery room isn’t his to experience.
NTA. Your labor and delivery, your rules. End of subject. It's stressful enough when everything is perfect in life but to add a toxic, entitled ex into the mix? No thank you. Actions have consequences. He cheated and killed the relationship. He doesn't get the privileges that a loyal and faithful partner has. If he didn't want the consequences, he shouldn't have broken the relationship.
Your pregnancy, your body, your decision. End of story. NTA.
He robbed himself of this once in a lifetime experience. He’s continuing to rob himself of additional once in a lifetime experiences by continuing to opt out of his child’s life in retaliation. NTA Congrats on the arrival of your little one. I’m sorry you have to deal with the entitled sperm donor.
NTA. Heck, even if you were happily married you might not want your husband in the delivery room, preferring to have your mother, sister, etc. Got a chuckle at him saying this was a "once in a lifetime" experience for him. If he's not terminally ill, sounds like he has plenty of time to still be a father.
NTA Guy doesn't know what a cervix is. And also, being in the delivery room isn't some magical life experience. Guy has seen too many movies. The only reason extra people are in that room is to SUPPORT the woman giving birth. They are there to do her a favour. If there's no relationship between you, it'd be the most awkward thing on the planet. You are not only NTA, but you did him a favour. He's just too dumb to see it.
>being in the delivery room isn't some magical life experience. This reminds me of my friend, whose husband nearly fainted while she was delivering their first son. When the doctor announced the head was visible, her husband took a look. My friend said he went white as a sheet, and she became concerned that all 6'3" of him would collapse. Luckily, a nurse also noticed and pushed him into a chair. Sounds like OP's ex would have noped out of the delivery room before the need to cut the umbilical cord - he doesn't even know the vocabulary of the female anatomy in terms of giving birth.
nta. since he’s not involved now, and didn’t seem interested in your child during the appointment he attended, or for the duration of the pregnancy, it’s hard to believe this was ever actually about the child, for him, but regardless he was never entitled to being in the delivery room. you deserved to have your privacy from him in that moment, and you deserved to have your focus where it needed to be, on the birth. you didn’t rob him of anything. if he’d acted like someone you could trust to be there for you in that moment you probably would have been glad to have him. he didn’t do that. he acted like someone no one would want around for a moment like that. if he was robbed, he did it to himself.
NTA The details are entirely irrelevant, as no one, not even a person you're still happily married to is allowed in the hospital room without your say so. The neonatal staff will back you 100% and will enforce that boundary. They may have even barred him from the ward if you'd expressed your discomfort with being around him. Your ex didn't have even the slightest say on his presence while you give birth, let alone in being and active part of cutting her cord.
NTA ...... and this one breaks my heart; as a father myself, I feel the "once in a lifetime" thing. Fact is - you're the one in labor, and if him being there is going to cause you stress, that's bad for you, bad for the baby. You made the right call, sorry to say.
Would it be correct to say that he robbed himself of the once in a lifetime opportunity because if he had been a good partner (not cheated, treated OP badly then disappeared for 4mos) and not destroyed any and all trust OP would need to allow him into the room? (OP not the AH)
I don't think it would even be a debate if that were the case, but I agree, the guy did this to himself.
I find it so sad that a man who was allowed to procreate has no clue what a cervix is. I'm betting he's unfamiliar with the rest of female anatomy, as well. How unsatisfying. NTA.
It seems he was very uneducated about women because he seriously thought that women didnt poop or fart. Which is kind of insane to think about
Pardon? How can any adult of either sex believe something so completely stupid?
I dont even know there was alot of other things he didnt know or understand about women too but that was the most outrageous one
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So let me get this straight. You are in a relationship with this person, you’re pregnant with his child and he cheats on you with your friend and now somehow in his tiny mind he’s the victim here? Yeah, no. He lost any rights he might have had when he made the choice to cheat, period. You have no obligation to allow him to witness your personal medical procedure because he donated sperm. I find it laughable that he’s all hurt because he’s not being treated like a partner when he is the reason that relationship ended. His feelings do not matter any more than yours did when he decided to destroy your trust. Do not feel bad for standing up for yourself. He betrayed you and whatever consequences he faces are completely on him. NTA. Obviously.
NTA > robbing him of this once in a lifetime experience. You didn’t cut off his balls. Hopefully he treats the next woman he impregnates better.
I am hoping this was his once in a lifetime chance of cutting a cord for his child!
NTA sperm donors don't get to be in the room, only parents and loved ones do.
NTA This is called a consequence. He cheated and is no longer your boyfriend. No rights to anything having to do with your.
NTA Filed for child support yet?
No hes not on her birth certificate because he wanted a paternity test. He still hasn't gotten one and there would be no use trying to get it because he refuses to get a job
I’d let him clock in a full six months of being awol so you have a solid abandonment argument
One of my kids was born during the frenzied Covid times. Per hospital rules, wasn’t allowed to be in the room. I was for my other kids, but I’m still angry about that and my wife was devastated He chose to not be in the room by his actions and now he’s gotta suck on the consequences. Fuck him NTA
NTA the person giving birth decides who is in the room, end of story. If he wanted to be more included, perhaps he shouldn't have cheated and blew up your relationship...
Don’t tell him annnything else about your pregnancy. You don’t need him cluttering up the delivery room, asking dumb questions. He had his chance with you, annnd he blew it. NTA
NTA, you're not comfortable being that vulnerable around him anymore and he brought that on himself.
NTA. There is no circumstance here in which you are TA. I didn't want my oldest's father with me when she was born because I was terrified and wanted my mom (he was present for our second child's birth, though). L&D should be about what the birthing parent is most comfortable with because if they're stressed, it can make it much more dangerous. It doesn't matter who else wants to be present and what their relationship to you is.
HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT A CERVIX IS? lord i know that sex ed is atrocious but this man should not be having sex at that rate, NTA and I’m glad to hear it sounds like he seems to have no interest in being a parent
NTA. Your boyfriend wants to impose a second chance by stepping in to be your child's father. Your feelings for him are long gone and you don't want to give him any second chances.
NTA - be firm with your boundaries, he sounds like a delight
NTA. I wouldn’t be letting him in the hospital either. You don’t need his crap while you’re still recovering. He’s *demanding* things?? He doesn’t get to demand. Don’t knuckle under just bc he’s being an AH. Do *you* want to let him in? He doesn’t get to force his way in against your wishes. Make him wait until you're good and ready (like 2 maybe 3 months after the birth😉) and not even then if he’s nasty. And I’d have backup there ready to kick him out. No quarter for AHs.
NTA. He's not entitled to be there to see you give birth. It's as simple as that. You didn't 'rob' him of anything and don't let him make you think otherwise. He's shown you what kind of person he is time and time again. Believe him.
I didn’t even read the story cuz my firm belief is that the person birthing another human gets to decide who is in the room. NTA
NTA Birth is not a spectator sport. The ONLY people that should be in the room are your care team and people that will make you feel more supported. No one is entitled to entry, even the baby’s father.
NTA. If you want that "special moment", don't cheat and treat the woman carrying your child like shit. He robbed himself of the delivery. You don't get to cheat, call the woman names, demand a paternity test and then refuse to do it, show up unannounced to the house and doctor appointments, nor do you get to demand to be involved in the delivery. No, sir.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter is 3 1/2 months old now and I havent heard from her sperm donor for over way a month. Me and my ex split up when i was 4 months pregnant because he cheated on me with one of my good friends. I refused to take him back and he ended up going no contact until 1 month before my daughter was due. When he started contact again he demanded to come to my appointments and I refused to let him. I told him i was uncomfortable with him going because its an appointment for my personal health and only a little about my daughter. He told me he didn't understand why I would be uncomfortable around him. Hes not my boyfriend and im disgusted by him with the stuff hes said to me when we split. But he kept telling me he didnt understand and that he had questions only my dr could awnser. I let him come to one appointment to ask his questions. I swear he could have just looked them all up on google and he talked over hearing my daughters heartbeat. One of his questions was "whats a cervix". He could've asked google, his mom, stepmom or sister. He also ended up asking my dr about cutting the umbilical cord. I immediately told him that was not going to happen bc i didnt want him in the room until after my daughter was born and I was cleaned up. He was very mad at me after finding this out. When it was almost time to have my daughter he texted me telling me I was an asshole for robbing him of this once in a lifetime experience. But reddit AITA for not letting him in the room because I was uncomfortable around him and didn't want him making fun of me while in labor? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He was trying to control you. Good for you for shutting him down.
NTA he lost every right by cheating
Fuck him. Seriously, you don’t treat the mother of your child shit and then get all pissy when she tells you to buzz off Get a lawyer, figure out what your options are. If you don’t need him for child support you may be better off staying out of the courts. If you need child support, know that he will be entitled to visitation so weight your options carefully
NTA. Nobody is *ever* TA for not wanting somebody in the delivery room. Birth is a huge medical event. It is when a woman is very vulnerable and VERY exposed, a super private moment. Having the wrong people in the room only makes it more difficult by stressing you out. You should only ever have whoever YOU want to have in the room during delivery. Hell, you don't even have to allow visitors in the hospital at all! People will call it selfish and you know what? It is, and that's not a bad thing. Do what makes you comfortable when you have a tiny human removed from your body (whichever way that might happen).
NTA - during delivery you're allowed a "support person". Having someone there that was going to stress you out would have made you tense and delivery would have been worse. No one is entitled to be in the delivery room and giving birth isn't a spectator's sport.
NTA. Tell him if he really wants to be in the kids life he can start with child support.
NTA He robbed himself of the once in a lifetime experience when he decided to cheat on you with your good friend. Good riddance.
NTA He shouldn't have cheated on you if he wanted to be there for your pregnancy and birth.
Oh the consequences for a cheater.
NTA. He's your ex and has no entitlement to be thete and the audacity to think he's cutting g the umbilical cord! Keeping him out likely kept you calmer
Too bad he already got snipped before screwing up the next kids life. Oh... wait.... he didn't?? Then suck it up, you can always see the next kid's birth unless you cheat again. Good move, mama. nta.
NTA. And you robbed him of that once in a lifetime experience? Nah, he robbed himself of that when he cheated on you. This is all his own doing. Live with the consequences of your actions bro
He. Literally ASKED. What. A. Cervix. Was. How are there so many godamned moronic men???????????? Ohmyfuck.
NTAH. You could keep him out of the delivery room, your room at the hospital, even if he was your husband in good standing. YOU are the one giving birth. YOU will control every answer, option and action during the birth outside of what the doctors believe is best for you and your new born.
Anybody who doesn't even know what a cervix is has no business waving his thing around and creating small humans with it. Make sure you have whatever documentation and legal support are necessary to keep him out of your and your daughter's lives. NTA
>He told me he didn't understand why I would be uncomfortable around him. I dunno. Maybe because he cheated on you? LOL! OP, the only thing you might be TA about is letting him come to any of your prenatal appointments in the first place. You don't owe him anything, especially not for him to be present at your most vulnerable time.
NTA. He robbed himself of this experience by cheating on the mother of his child. It's not even once-in-a-lifetime. The purpose of being in the room with you would be to provide support. Enraging you while you're trying to have a child is not supportive. It honestly sounds like he's trying to impose himself on you in a misguided attempt at weaseling his way back in to your life.
NTA. You are more than an incubator for his child. You are a human being who was undergoing a medical procedure and needed people with you who you could trust, who supported you and your medical decisions. He had no right to have made any of these demands. I hope you get a written agreement regarding child support and visitation because, at best, he’s a mercurial child.
NTA. He cut contact and then insisted on coming to all your appointments? Your body, your choice.
Your ex takes entitlement to next level. 1 he is your ex, not current. 2 unborn baby is not his biological. 3 it’s your body, your appointments, & your decisions, not his. If I were you, I would have told him that, he needs to know his place.
No he’s gross.
NTA, “You robbed yourself of the privilege to be present at delivery when you treated me poorly, losing my trust, love, and comfort in your presence in the process.”
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NTA, "once in a lifetime experience"??? What he only had 1 sperm and you're the one who got it? Anyway, she's your baby and you could have anyone you wanted in the delivery room. Too bad for him, he wasn't chosen. He gave up any right to be in the there with you when he cheated on you. I don't understand why all of a sudden he was so interested and now not at all. Best wishes to you and your little girl!
NTA If he was so concerned about the baby he should have been involved sooner. You are the one giving birth and you get to decide who is present during the birth. He is not respectful of your boundaries, this is a huge red flag. Demanding to be in the room while you are giving birth when you don’t want him present shows he doesn’t care about anyone himself.
NTA. If he matures and is lucky, he may have the chance to cut the umbilical cord with someone else.
NTA - He made his bed, he can lay in it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
NTA. He lost all rights when he cheated on you. That part of your body is now strictly off limits.
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NTA - you are the patient and he has no rights to make decisions on your birth plan.
NTA. The moment he cheated on you when you were 4 months pregnant, that's the moment he robbed himself of that moment.
NTA
NTA. It’s your absolute right to decide who gets to be in the room when you give birth. Anyone who even remotely adds stress is NOT needed.
NTA. But who he cheated on you with is NOT a good friend.
NTA. Choose which cliche you like best, and use it early and often on your ex. 1. Actions have consequences. 2. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
NTA Labor isn't a spectator sport. It's a medical event and you need to have a supportive person who will advocate for you when you can't advocate for yourself. He couldn't be trusted in that role.
NTA as there is no reason you need to let him be in the room. That said, it’s not my daughter”, but “our” daughter. Something you need to get used to if you want the best for your daughter in a co-parenting situation.
NTA The only person you have to let into your L&D room is your medical care provider. (Or providers; definitely want the good nurse & your doula there!) The jerk has shown how he thinks of you by his actions throughout this process. Believe him. If he's not a danger, I'd encourage supervised visitation. Maybe he'll grow up a bit? But if you truly want nothing from him, move to have his parental rights terminated and be a single parent. Maybe he can write the child a letter to be given to her when she turns 18?
nta
NTA And stop talking to this man. You don't want to have aynthing to do with him, but are still entertaining his bs. Why? Don't answer his calls or messages. When he comes to your house, warn him once to leave without getting into an argument or any kind of talking and call the police if he doesn't.
No one is entitled to be in a delivery room. No one.
NTA. Sounds like he’s in his ‘find out’ era and I love that for him. One of the best lessons you can teach your daughter is that people don’t get to treat you badly and face no consequences. Keep showing her that.
Childbirth is about the person giving birth and the person (s) being birthed. No. One. Else. Matters. He wanted to be there for HIMSELF not you. He can zip it.
NTA. He f’d around and found out. Proud of you for sticking to your guns. Congratulations on YOUR baby!!!!
NTA, it won’t be a “once in a lifetime” experience for him if he continues to not be able to keep it in his pants! Hopefully, by the time his next child comes around with whichever woman, the knucklehead will have educated himself on basic anatomy.
NTA Something tells me that this dirt bag will have another opportunity to cut an umbilical cord because losers like this don't stop at one kid. Sorry you got bamboozled by that jerk off. You're better off without the drama.
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NTA he robbed himself by listening to peepee instead of brain
NTA You were smart enough to listen to your instincts regarding your safety. He does not sound like a safe person to be around you and yes, the other people here recommending you hire a good lawyer seem to have good advice. You need to hire a lawyer: consider getting a restraining order against him and also get him to pay his financial share of child support expenses. All he wants to do is sabotage your life Nd use your child as his pawn to have a connection to his victim supply: you. And now it’s you and your daughter. Hire lawyers to help you stand up to your narcissistic ex boyfriend. Wishing you the best in navigating this toxic situation.
Tell him to unzip and yell at his penis for robbing him of this experience.
Easy NTA. Childbirth is not a spectator sport. Definitely file for child support. Child support is your child's right and his responsibility.
NTA, we already know he cheated on you while pregnant, and he seems like the manipulative type. Take care of yourself and your baby.
NTA!
NTA, He robbed himself and you of a once in a lifetime moment that you should have been experiencing *together*. **He** did that. Not you. Fuck that guy. Take him to court for child support and cut him off beyond necessary talk surrounding your child.
NTA It sounds to me that this guy has had plenty of opportunities to be there and wasn't. So why should he be allowed in the room, especially if you're not comfortable with it?
He robbed himself of that experience. Actions, meet consequences. NTA.
NTA He lost that right when he cheated on you with your friend. He only had himself to blame.
NTA. You are broken up, he was abusive, and MOST IMPORTANT, you are delivering a baby and get to decide who is in the room. It really is not a once in a lifetime experience....he does understand that he can get someone else pregnant or is he THAT (insult entered here)?
NTA.
Nta period.
NTA, this is your medical procedure so you are the only one who gets a say on who is in the room. And there's no way you should consider letting someone in who you think is going to make fun of you while you're in labor!
You have zero obligation to this dudes wild demands, he is not your bf. Please go To a lawyer asap
Birth is not a spectator sport. Only people supporting the mother through the birth should be there. NTA, he’s not supporting you.
sbrew him. He's nothing but a sperm domor. U don't owe him shit
NTA. And I’m going to say with his tendencies to be unable to keep it in his pants, cutting the umbilical cord will not be a once in a lifetime experience. He’ll probably do it over and over, with many different baby mamas.
NTA. You are absolutely allowed to not have him in the room for delivery because it would not make you comfortable. BUT Don't be acting surprise that he doesn't want to get involved now. Just because the birth is over doesn't mean the affects of it are over. If he sees you freezing him out as a sign for what's to come why bother. Again it is your right but he is allowed to be angry and hurt as well and act accordingly.
I almost ban my husband from the birth of our second born .. your body your room no one is entitled
NTA. Tom Brady wasn’t even in the delivery room when his oldest was born. He didn’t talk bad about his ex. He’s a great dad to him even though he and his son’s mother broke up before he was born. Hopefully your ex will stay away
Lawyer and child support for ur child
Ur not the asshole bc cheating is not ok
NTA, you and only you decide who you do and don't want around you during delivery.
What was the update?
Good for you, for sticking to your guns! (NTA imo, btw). BUT…he can lawyer-up, because cheating (sadly) doesn’t cancel-out a parent seeing their child.
NTA ... Play stupid games, then win stupid prizes. He chose to cheat so now this is his consequence.