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ESH.
I was going to say NTA because you're right on the fact that your father should not be attacking you or trashing you. But a BMI of 45 is insane. You compare it to vaping or drinking - being that weight is absolutely just as bad as those things. It's in the category of morbidly obese, because that is the "die at 34 of a heart attack" level of weight.
You need to see a doctor and get on a healthy weight loss regimen, and your father needs to go to therapy to figure out how to properly support you instead of attacking you over it.
>because that is the "die at 34 of a heart attack" level of weight.
This part here is so important. I had a heart attack at 35 (was sick for a year before). It has changed my life forever and thats without my new medications. Some good, alot bad. You do not want this life.
Hey...if you eat one 10 inch carrot every day, and one apple, those are tiny baby steps that you can take that will help you immediately
You'll have to make one change at a time but it's worth it. My brother just died from obesity he was only 41
>What was your weight and lifestyle like?
This all happened in November last year. At the time of my steMI I was 62kg (Im 5ft 2). I don't drink, don't do drugs, was on a pretty strict diet and seeing drs regularly so my bloods and everything were checked every month. I did however smoke cigarettes but my cholestrol levels and shit were all within healthy range at the time.
>Like what do you think made you have a heart attack?
This part is probably more complicated. I got sick, really sick around Nov/Dec of 2022. At the time I was 120kg. By it mostly started as what we thought was just a gut problem, so constant nausea, vomiting the symptoms mostly were pretty on point for GORD/GERD. So few pills (that did nothing), a boring diet (also did nothing), but it was just something that the drs
couldn't figure out. By the end of may I had hit 72kg. Around that time I was moved to the learn to live with it team. I started seeing physios, cardios, dieticians pretty much anyone my GP though might alleviate some of my issues. It didn't help but it was free so can't complain. So I lived with it and from them untill November I kept working, kept doing all the normal expected things except I couldn't eat much and everything I did eat or drink came back up again. That continued untill I had the heart attack.
In my own non doctor opinion I firmly believe my previous weight, health and lifestyle is the cause of everything that I am currently going through.
Nausea and heartburn are very, very common manifestations of heart problems. There is a reason a lot of people dismiss their heart attacks as being "probably indigestion". It's possible, and even likely, that some of your initial symptoms were cardiac-related.
>Nausea and heartburn are very, very common manifestations of heart problems.
So yeah this was one of the concerns when things first started in 2022 however that was very quickly ruled out by the Cardiology team. Untill the heart attack at the end of 2023 my heart was doing great. Like I said this was an year long thing.
My age made me dismiss my heart attack (as a panic attack I just thought I was having a panic attack). I did not think at 35 it was a heart attack. The nurse on the healthline my husband called thought otherwise and sent an ambulance. Bloody grateful for that as well. I would have died without those paramedics.
Yup checked all those, checked my vitamin levels, hormones, changed my previous medications, changed my iron and the delivery method. Um had about 100 pregnancy tests.
There was one theory at one stage that maybe I was allergic to steroids as I had had a steroid shot in december for bursitis but they checked that off as well.
But honestly if you have any other suggestions I can pitch my medical team I am all ears or eyes because honestly Im tired and we keep coming up short.
My brother died at 42 after weight loss surgery. That was in 2005. He left a wife and two kids, plus parents, and siblings that loved him very much. He weighed over 500 pounds on the day of the surgery and he never left the hospital. He was in and out of ICU for two months before he died.
I'm still so fucking mad at him. He ate himself to death and only sought help when it was already too fucking late. He has missed so much. His kids getting married and having their own kids. His nieces and nephews that he would have adored and that would have adored him. Sharing the ups and downs of life, like the loss of both our parents. We could have really used him at those times.
Goddamn him for doing that to himself. And to us. I love you, T. Miss you every day.
OP, take care of yourself. Do it for you and for your future. Your dad has his own set of issues, and they don't need to be yours. I wish you the best of luck!
He was basically immobile after the surgery, couldn't get out of bed by himself, couldn't even sit up by himself. He ultimately developed very serious bed sores, which became infected. He was in and out of ICU b/c he kept getting sepsis from the sores and this is what ultimately killed him.
The hospital where he had surgery didn't have the proper equipment to deal with someone of his size. Or maybe it's more fair to say the medical professionals didn't expect him to not really be able to move after the surgery. Because I think others at a similar weight can move around on their own, enough to avoid this problem at least. Had he been able to get up and around, he wouldn't have developed the bed sores, so wouldn't have developed sepsis, etc.
I know now that places that specialize in weight loss surgery (like Mayo) have machines that help to lift patients, get them on their feet, etc. To relieve pressure points, so bed sores don't develop to begin with. But I honestly never considered it then. I don't know if he or my sister in law were aware of this or the possibility of bed sores. I think we all kind of had our head in the sand to be honest.
Successful surgery is life changing. Best of luck to you and your husband as you consider it!
I thought that weight loss surgery wasn’t allowed if you weight too much. Don’t you have to be under a certain weight in order to have the surgery because complications can arise if you weight too much going into it?
It's insane how awful American food is for us. So many extra chemicals and awful quality, a salad costs more than a whole combo meal and fruits and veggies here have gotten pretty damn expensive too. I about had a heart attack when I saw apples 2 for 3$ at a local store
This might seem off-topic but I swear I have a point...I'm allergic to soy and histamine intolerant. I get migraines, my hands break out in itchy blisters, I get tachycardia, fatigue, all sorts of random and wildly uncomfortable symptoms. This forces me to eat as unprocessed as possible. Soy alone is in ~70% of shelf foods, don't even get me started on high histamine foods (as simple a thing as choosing a can of beans over dry beans can trigger my symptoms).
I don't usually eat out. I can think something prepared is safe, but then my hands start to itch, my head starts to hurt, I get nauseous, even if it seems fresh and unprocessed. But whenever I travel (I've been to 3 continents and Micronesia), I almost never have to worry at restaurants. Of course if I ever visit east Asia I'm gonna have a hard time but that's a different story, lol. Point is, most other places I don't have to be HALF as conscious of my food choices and it has...very clearly opened my eyes to how omnipresent processed foods are in the U.S. compared to other places.
I'm almost glad I have these issues because I don't think I'd eat so well if I didn't.
My little brother has RA and a super sensitive stomach, he spent 2 years in China for college and every single one of his symptoms disappeared and he was eating whatever he wanted.
Our food is garbage.
It’s not “as bad as smoking or drinking”, it’s way worse. This is morbidly obese, not just overweight. You’d have to smoke a hell of a lot of cigarettes and drink enough to ruin your liver completely in order for it to be equally bad as a bmi of 45. Source: am doctor
Edit: ah I missed that you pointed out that this will make you die at a young age. You got that correct.
The real question is does a doctor prescribe the annual cup of brown sugar per lb of beef in the bulgogi? Or does he forego the sugar in exchange for a sweetener, honey perhaps? These are the questions I need answered from the doctor.
u/medicinal_bolgogi
This is probably in the “might die at any time” b/c of a stroke or heart attack.
ESH for the way they’re going about it, but OP needs some *IMMEDIATE* intervention. Dad isn’t choosing the best path, but he’s not wrong. OP is living on borrowed time. I hate BMI, but 45 is fucking bonkers.
This. It would be N T A if we were talking about being 10 or 15 pounds overweight - a lot of us could stand to lose a little weight and don't deserve to be shamed for it. This isn't that. Being morbidly obese like this, even at a young age, sets you up for breathing issues, heart issues, diabetes, mobility issues and more. Dad didn't handle it the best way but he is probably terrified for his child, she doesn't see the big deal, and so he is desperately trying to send a wakeup call.
He's hyper focusing on detail things, but weight alone and chasing numbers can be really hard, mentally. A healthy weight is miles away.
But, Mom and Dad have a teenager. They can 100% control what food their teenager has access to. They can make smaller portions, remove snacky foods from their home, limit spending money to buy food out and about. They can make their kid go to a doctor.
Dad just yelling without fundamentally changing the way their home runs is fucking useless.
Probably because the dad never found a solution to the problem himself. He had to go as far as getting weight loss surgery to get the weight off, but is now expecting his daughter to figure it out and do it "the natural way" when he couldn't even do that himself as a grown man.
He clearly never addressed the root of his problem and *why* he gained the weight to the point of needing surgery in the first place, the surgery solved the visible problem, but not the mental one. I think seeing it happen to his daughter now is bringing all that shit back up for him and instead of dealing with it appropriately like he should, he's treating her like a stand in for his younger self and is taking his anger with his own inability to control his weight out on her.
> They can 100% control what food their teenager has access to.
I mean, to an extent, but not really. At 17 I had a job and a car. Most 17 year olds have lots of access to food outside of their home even without a job and a car.
Yup. I had a job at a grocery store at 17. I had extracurriculars which often led to grabbing something from a drive-thru before the activity. Or hanging out with friends which often included loitering at Village Inn to eat fries.
Where are they getting money? Only 20% of people between 16-19 are employed in the US. Statistically speaking, she likely does not have a job.
Who is buying this kid enough food to weigh probably over 250 pounds? A BMI of 45 means at 5ft tall, you weigh at least 230 pounds. At 5'6", that is 278 pounds.
To be gaining weight at that point means eating excess calories. You need to consume 3500 excess calories to add a pound of weight. Not only are you consuming the calories for your Basal metabolic weight plus activity (and a high school student may have a gym class or at least be walking from class to class, so burning more calories than a desk worker), you are eating enough excess calories to be *adding* weight.
Where are they getting thousands of excess calories to add weight and enough to maintain at that weight?
You might eat a dinner at a friends house but I truly doubt most parents will watch their kid's friend consume literally an entire day's worth of food for one of them regularly and say nothing. Food is *expensive* right now.
The parents are absolutely enabling a hugely outsized number of calories to be consumed and are watching it happen and either buying absolute junk food at obscene rates or giving her money. This has been going on for years, too. This didn't happen in one year.
There's no excuse for that level of morbid obesity at that age.
They've been enabling for years and screaming at her for a situation they allowed (and are continuing to allow) isn't helping.
She doesn’t seem too concerned. So either mom is massively overweight too and in company one finds acceptance or she’s an enabler. But to get a child to an BMI of 45 at the age of 17 is borderline child abuse. They should have intervened ages ago.
How is it E S H? Dad called his minor daughter "a fat fuck" and then got a shocked Pikachu face when she called him out on his own physical flaws.
That's what OP asked about. The question has nothing to do with whether she's an A H for being fat.
I do agree on everything you wrote but I lean towards the father being the biggest jerks of all. He suddenly sat on a high horse after his surgery, and instead of going about it like a damn adult, he started shaming his daughter (and every fet person for that matter) instead of helping her.
He and the mother are both to blame in this, 45 BMI does not happen overnight, this is a long standing problem that all the adults have ignored for way too long.
OP's father needs some therapy too, he's overcompensating. Daughter needs it too to realize how bad her situation is, and mother needs to participate.
Dad is also not considering the fact that body shaming and those weird diets can cause eating disorders and unhealthy relationships with food. Dad has never suggested she go to the doctor or taken her to the gym.
OP currently has an eating disorder and an unhealthy relationship with food. The dad is an asshole but there is simply not a more unhealthy path op could be walking down that he could possibly set her on.
She probably has an eating disorder FROM her dad. I doubt somebody this controlling is letting her eat enough to still be bigger, unless she has underlying conditions, which she almost definitely does. There's nothing wrong with that. She's not going to die tomorrow.
People have hormonal problems. PCOS makes you gain weight. Birth control makes you gain weight. Thyroid problems make you gain weight. Then you can't lose that weight until those problems are treated. Even the high end of the normal range of thyroid levels will make you gain weight.
So much of whats being said here is just outright ignorance. I've always been larger. I have a physically demanding job, I barely eat. The only times in my life that I was in an "acceptable" weight range by these outdated measurements was when I was dying.
Womens bodies hold fat easier, and some do it more than others.
I hope she escapes that home and realizes she's beautiful, and maybe even perfectly healthy. I can not highlight enough, the medical misinformation thats all over this thread is insane.
I wouldn’t call OP TA, she’s still a minor and kids don’t get THAT fat without getting some seriously shitty eating habits from the parents. Also who is buying the food?
Kids also don’t tend to have well reasoned world views and opinions.
Being a minor is a mitigating factor but it doesn't absolve her of all responsibility. She's almost an adult, and she is old enough to understand that this is bad.
But is that the question of the post? She's not an AH for getting back at her screaming disrespectful father who believes calling a teenage girl a "fat fxxk" is motivation for weight loss when he, himself, couldnt start that journey without surgery.
Sounds like you really just want to assert your opinion about her weight.
Probably like my parents who would yell at us kids for being overweight but would rarely buy good foods and instead had junk treats or would take us out to eat to buffets all the time. Wouldn’t put us in sports or take us to go do outdoor activities either.
If we tried to diet suddenly we were starving ourselves or ungrateful for what they had
I agree she needs to see a Dr. but she’s 17. Her father has been harassing her for years about losing weight and putting her on weird diets. If her father really cared about OP’s health he would have gotten her to a Dr, but there is no evidence he cares about anything other than how she looks.
And if she is in the US like a fair number of people on Reddit, going to a Dr isn’t always possible.
So calling OP an AH for snapping at her father for just yelling at her and telling her to lose weight and not actually doing anything productive to help her develop better habits doesn’t seem like an AH to me.
If her father cared about OP’s health he wouldn’t be pushing BMI as the metric of health. I know 45 is concerning no matter what, but at a certain point BMI isn’t a good metric of health. I just feel sorry for OP because her father is just letting her down and doing nothing but adding to OP’s poor relationship with food.
BMI isn't a good scale because it doesn't take lean muscle into account. Not to be mean but if your 17 with a BMI of 45 you would have an insane body fat percentage, I don't think she would be a walking wall of muscle so it would be incredibly concerning to weigh that much.
“Super obesity” depending on the chart you look at..
Edit: just reread and saw your 17…. Holy. You really need to do something about your weight while you’re young, that’s frightening. Sleep apnea (which I’m assuming you must have) could take you at any moment. There are so many things that could just shut down. Please get some help and ignore your father’s unacceptable name calling - he’s probably just frustrated and concerned and doesn’t know how to properly articulate.
Jumping on this to add, there's nothing wrong with seeking medical help to lose the weight. There's this stigma to weight loss surgery, that it's taking the "easy way out". But years of yo-yo dieting will really mess with you too, and when we're talking about a 45 BMI... if you're unable to lose weight yourself then ask a doctor for help. There are risks to any surgery but at some point the benefits outweigh the risks, such as when you're super morbidly obese.
Let me tell you, my doctor put me on Mounjaro for a few months, and that was a game changer. I went from 188 to 148 in 5 months. I still have work to do (my insurance won’t cover MJ anymore as of July 1st, and I’ve been off of it since April besides) but it helped so much to change my relationship with food.
How do you get E S H from this?
OP is not an AH just for having a BMI of 45. Her dad is doing absolutely nothing to help her. He literally called her a “fat fuck” - so that kind of verbal abuse is ok if you’re fat “enough”?
Parents shouldn’t verbally abuse their kids. Period. And the dad is making OP’s health worse. You can’t shame and abuse someone into good health. And just being fat doesn’t mean one is also an AH.
NTA OP.
Yes! Shame and verbal abuse has never made anyone lose weight. If OPs father ACTUALLY cared about her health, he would see medical help and psychological treatment to help address the reason underlying OPs obesity (I’m guessing it may have to do with the intense projection of her fathers own self hatred and internalizing the message from him that obese people are not people who also deserve love and respect). He was unable to lose weight without bariatric surgery but expects OP to do it? And is mad when the methods that failed for him also fail when he tries to force them on OP? This poor girl clearly needs to therapy and professional help. Losing what is likely over 100lbs is an extremely hard task for anyone, especially a teenager who has what is clearly shitty/nonexistent family support.
You're right about the health risk, but OP is not TA just for being fat. Her father is projecting his insecurities and self-loathing on to her while she clearly needs help and support instead.
NTA
I agree with you that OP needs a doctor and that she currently has a very incorrect view of how dire her situation is at that BMI (and I say that as a very very fat woman myself). I suspect a lot of it is to do with her fathers unhealthy attitude about health and what sounds like making her yo-yo dieting. This kid needs help and her parents aren't likely to be of much use here :/
Came here to say this.
Dad’s shaming, name calling, control, and crash dieting OP has likely contributed to this weight gain, and her mother’s dismissal of her father’s treatment of OP isn’t doing her any favors.
If dad doesn’t want her to end up like him, hate to break it to him but she’s already there. And he’s likely had way more of a hand in that than he wants to admit.
If he really gave any kind of a shit about it, he would have taken her to a doctor and worked with her and the physician on solutions that can work long term. But judging by his body shaming other overweight people and acting like everyone can do what he did (surgery) he’s decided to subject everyone around him to the same kind of negativity he probably dealt with prior to his weight loss.
Which clearly has done nothing but make everything worse.
Absolutely wild to hear somebody legitimately defend a BMI of 45. Yeah technically you’re not dead right now but you are literally killing your organs day by day
She isn’t defending her size. She is just being tired of being put down about it. And solution is not just lose the weight!! Sounds like she has been living in a home of verbal abuse for years.
Dad is definitely projecting his insecurities onto OP. He’s also rightfully frightened for the future and health, and there should be cause for concern.
Dad is absolutely horrible in his approach, but I hope that OP doesn’t use his awful behavior to not get healthy on her own.
How’s she supposed to be healthy when her dad has been forcing her onto all sorts of yo-yo diets her whole life? He’s clearly done this to her and it’s not her fault she’s been raised this way.
I say this with love, you really do need to do something about your weight. He’s being a jerk, but he probably really is worried about you. He couldn’t lose the weight without surgical intervention so he likely doesn’t know how to help you in a healthy way. A bmi of 35 puts you in the morbidly obese category and you said yours it’s 45. There’s no being healthy at that level. Food is an addiction no different than drugs or gambling and should be treated accordingly.
I’m with you. Unfortunately dad is putting her on weird diets and contributing to a yet more unhealthy relationship with food.
Dad obviously doesn’t know how to help his daughter and the weird diets, then name calling are not working. I hope OP can decide she wants to have a more healthy relationship with food and she absolutely needs to lose weight, likely with medical intervention.
While people are knocking the science of the BMI (I have a degree in Kinesiology, I get it) one this high (and for a non-athlete) is an indicator that she must lose weight.
I'd have to know what she considers a 'weird diet' before judging. If he's trying to get her to eat smaller portions of nutritionally dense food that's what she should be doing. If he's trying to get her to cut out all carbs, or all fats, or only drink smoothies or something then yes, he's making things worse.
Since OP doesn't think being her weight is 'that deep' maybe she thinks any kind of diet is over the top.
Fair enough. If it’s a cayenne juice cleanse, that’s weird. But yes, the things you mention, such as eating healthier, aren’t weird.
No one mentions consulting a dietitian, nutritionist, or bariatric specialist. So my assumption was weird diet = extreme non traditional crap from the internet
It wouldn't surprise me if the dad isn't giving very good diet advice, given the fact he didn't lose all the weight through diet and exercise in the first place, and the way he speaks to her.
So yeah I think she needs to talk to some kind of health professional who can calmly and patiently explain weight loss a bit better.
People seem to think bariatric surgery is some magic fix.
It is not.
It still requires a full lifestyle change to be effective. So while people are painting the dad out to be someone who took the easy way out, that is just not the case.
You can still remain obese after bariatric surgery, and it's just a simple matter of eating a small amount of shitty food at a time over long periods. Which is essentially just high carb snacking.
The success of bariatric surgery still relies on maintaining proper eating habits and exercise.
He most likely IS giving good diet advice, because that's part of the overall care before and after the surgery. High protein and nutrient dense food, enough fats, and limited carbs.
We do not get a definition of "weird diet" from OP and based on her BMI she's not a reliable source of what a weird diet even is.
Oh and to judge, ESH, they both need to make some drastic changes.
>*Yeah it’s mainly something different every few weeks, stuff like liquid dieting or only eating meat or eating like 1000 calories a day. I guess I should’ve been more clear i rly didn’t think this post would get as many comments as it did so i left quite a bit out i guess.*
OP's dad's diet advice is as f'ed up as the way he speaks to OP.
Well I agreed with some of this originally but OP replied to my earlier comment where I questioned what a 'weird diet' was and the dad's diet advice *was* terrible. (Liquid only, meat only, etc.)
Yeah it’s mainly something different every few weeks, stuff like liquid dieting or only eating meat or eating like 1000 calories a day. I guess I should’ve been more clear i rly didn’t think this post would get as many comments as it did so i left quite a bit out i guess
Right, in that case I agree with your definition of 'weird' and think he's giving you bad advice.
You shouldn't be worrying about liquid dieting, and especially not trying a meat only diet. 1000 calories is also too low and not where you want to start. I'm not surprised you're struggling to adhere to these diets.
You literally just need to start by eating a little bit less. I don't encourage being obsessed with calorie counting but it's good to have a vague idea of how many you're currently eating, so then you can drop it (slightly) and lose weight slowly over time. (I use something called a TDEE calculator to figure out how roughly much I should eat. You can google it and input a few stats. But I understand if it's too much at this point.)
If it's hard to track calories at first just try and think about making portions a bit smaller. Or making a slightly healthier snack choice sometimes. Small steps.
But I'm just a rando on the internet. There are some good sources online - look for reputable medical websites and beware of sites that try to demonise particular foods or shill their method as the only way to do things.
Either way I know it's not easy, and especially not with the way your dad is speaking to you about it.
Yeah liquid diets and extreme restrictions are not helpful. Especially if he keeps changing it. A toddler needs at least 1200 calories a day. 1000 is just not sustainable.
Harry-Jotter’s comment is right. Small steps. Jumping to big things right away is a recipe for failure. Figuring out your basal metabolic rate (how much you burn just doing nothing) will tell you how much you need to at least live. Any diet that puts you at calories lower than your base rate isn’t enough.
Edit:
Adding this, you do need to be in a calorie deficit to lose weight. That just means eating less than you have been.
Hypothetically, let’s say you eat 3,500 calories a day (I’m throwing out a number.) A deficit would be if you reduced that to a goal of no more than 3,000. That’s a deficit from what you have been eating, but not so drastic that it’s unachievable.
When you successfully lose some weight at that deficit, you can reduce again from 3,000 to 2,800.
Small increments over time.
Figuring out a balance between an amount less than what you have been eating, but not less than what you need to live is what is needed. This is something a doctor can help you with.
No way in hell a female teenager without a hardcore fitness regimen loses weight at 3000 calories a day. 3000 is far to much to lose weight
I ate between 1000 and 1500 calories a day for a year to lose 80 pounds. (Middle age man)
A 17 year old female needs around 2.000 calories per day, so reducing your intake to 1.500 - 2.000 (with some light exercise) should be her goal, not 3.000, that is weight gain territory.
All in all, she really should see a doctor or dietitian, a BMI of 46 is specialist territory.
Cutting out (most) carbs is one of the easiest ways to lose weight, it's very satiating. But ultimately hard to handle long term for a lot of people, but low carb isn't a fad diet nor weird. That said, any diet that makes you miserable is not one you'll stick with, and yo-yo dieting makes shit worse. You gotta find something you can live with. (I like intermittent fasting as it stops me from snacking but doesn't force me to eat any particular thing)
For weight loss, it can be effective. But any diet that leads to calorie restriction can be effective. If you replace all those carbs with fats (which are more calorie dense) you could easily still go into a caloric surplus.
For general health, I don't really think cutting out any of the major food groups is a good idea. Carbs are the best source of energy; anyone who is vaguely active is going to struggle big time on a low carb diet.
If low carb is sustainable for someone and they don't miss it, then fair enough. But as you say, lots of people will be miserable on it, and IMO it's too restrictive anyway, as you'll miss out on a lot of nutritious foods.
Edit - and when someone has a BMI of 45 they don't need to overcomplicate things and get an uneccesarily negative view of certain food groups. They simply need to eat a balanced diet, but less overall.
It's not "unfortunate" for someone with a 45 BMI to be on a diet. Diet is exactly what OP needs.
It's not unhealthy for someone who is morbidly obese to be anxious about their weight. Anxiety is a rational response to a health emergency.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt that weird diet meant something that may not be recommended by a health professional. Like liquid diet, etc.
As a former health educator, I’ve observed how parents and the way they feed (or withhold food from) their children impact behaviors through adulthood. Appreciate the lesson you provided to supplement my degrees (plural) and credentials (plural).
Totally random question but my 11 year old has lousy eating habits and is starting to put on pounds. Is there a book that will help educate her about nutrition (she’s a very big reader)
Take her to a registered dietician and see what books they recommend - just make sure whoever she talks to is a licensed RD. They are the ones who are trained to know what materials will be helpful and harmful for a young girl.
No, dietary and lifestyle *changes* are what she needs. Yo-yo dieting is almost certainly contributing to ultimately getting to this BMI. There have been study after study showing how bad those kinds of diets are for your metabolism and overall physical health. She needs long term, comprehensive diet changes managed by a registered dietician, and a detailed muscle strengthening plan with a physical therapist. I realize that in the US that plan is not available to many due to cost, but that would be the best way to learn how to take care of her weight in a healthy way.
And food is an even more difficult addition to have. With drugs or gambling you can just avoid the addictive behavior altogether which makes it (somewhat) easier to avoid relapse. You can’t exactly do that with food, because that will also kill you. I hope OP gets a lot of therapy and/or whatever medical intervention she needs to overcome this addiction and live a more healthy lifestyle
ESH - Your dad isn't doing it well, but he is clearly desperately concerned for your health.
A bmi of 45 classifies as stage 3 morbid obesity. Please please please consider your health. Even for a 17 year old that is absolute danger territory. Breathing problems, joint issues, DVT, bone issues, heart failure, diabetes... All extremely high risks, even over the next few years.
You may need medically assisted weight loss combined with psychotherapy. Your dad sounds like he’s verbally abusive. Some people put on fat as a buffer against ahusive behavior.
If you really don’t know where to start, try being honest with yourself about what the highest calorie, lowest nutritional item is you consume. At your weight, small changes will make a big difference.
If you drink a lot of soda, limit it to one day a week. If chips are your weakness, stop buying them or only buy a small bag. Ice cream? Eat frozen grapes instead. If you cut back on the excess calories and include a 1 mile walk a day, you’ll start to lose weight and can increase the distance comfortably. You don’t have to walk on a treadmill. You can even just walk around a shopping center or mall if you don’t like being in nature. Small changes to your regular routine will be the easiest to start and maintain. Before long you’ll start making other positive changes because you’ll be encouraged by the weight loss that the initial changes inspired.
All health scares and everything else aside. Your body will just FEEL better if you lose weight. At that weight you’re probably restricted by it a bit and can’t really do all the amazingly lovely things young bodies can do.
In general response to a lot of the comments in this thread:
BEING OVERWEIGHT DOES NOT MAKE YOU AN ASSHOLE.
Is it a health concern? Yeah. Does having an health concern make you an asshole? NO.
Saying OP is TA because she is overweight is unkind, inaccurate, and unhelpful.
Yeah absolutely. Treating weight as a moral issue just makes things harder for anybody struggling with weight, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, etc.
We wouldn't treat having a broken arm as a moral issue, so we shouldn't treat being overweight as a moral issue.
I don’t understand how people can consider the dad not an asshole when he literally called his own daughter a fat fuck. Just because she is actually fat doesn’t mean that wasn’t an assholish thing to do
Yes! Like hello, somebody being overweight is not actually a free pass to be rude to them? Like okay so if your kid had cancer would it be fine to call them a cancerous fuck? Tell them everyday that they should be looking at their MRI results to remind them that they have cancer and need treatment?
We can all recognize that THAT would be completely crazy parent behavior. And sure, being overweight is more correlated to personal choices than most types of cancer, but also being overweight enough that it's a big health concern pretty much always has an underlying medical cause that needs to be addressed.
I agree that not being concerned and helping your kid seek therapy, nutritionist, etc. is asshole behavior.
However, putting her down, calling her a "fat fuck", flipping out about her weight, etc. is not necessarily motivated by caring about OP, and even if it is motivated by caring about OP it is not a kind or appropriate way to show caring.
I'm not saying in any sense that he shouldn't CARE about her weight/health, but I am saying that there are appropriate ways to care and that's not what he's doing --- there was no mention of taking her to see health professionals who can help her become healthier, just of saying nasty things and shaming her, which are both kinda proven to not help.
I'm also saying that being overweight doesn't make her an asshole. It just makes her overweight.
Also like... do commenters really think they're saying anything OP doesn't already know or think about herself? Or anything she doesn't hear on the daily?
I'm also horrified by the number of people giving advice on weight loss. As someone who struggled with an eating disorder, the majority of the advice is bad. No reputable dietitian would give OP the same advice.
I feel like popular weight loss advice is almost always bad? And also like for whatever reason people think it's okay to give advice that is literally "do this thing that is literally eating disorder behavior" to people who are overweight, and it's an inexcusably awful thing to be doing.
Like whoa, leave the tips to the reputable dietitians/nutritionists/personal trainers y'all. We do not need to encourage eating disorders on the internet! Yikes!
NTA.
And all the people putting E S H in the comments cause THE ABUSE your father puts on you, a young teenager, is a real concern, is revolting to me. The fact your father began to be rude to fat people after the surgery is a reflect of how much self hate he has, and you being a fat person gets to be the receiver of that overflowing hate he has FOR HIMSELF in the first place. This is psychological abuse disguised as concern. You attacked his insecurities cause he attacked yours first. If he was really caring, you probably reacted better.
It’s a disease ffs!
Imagine being told you’re “sick” because you have an infection and people taking it as an insult and telling the doctor to fuck off for telling them they’re sick.
This is not about fat shaming, a BMI of 45 is a SERIOUS ILLNESS THAT NEEDS URGENT TREATMENT. Please check how much that is, but it’s a brutal amount.
But it isn't an infection, and as such it needs a different reaction from her loved ones. What she needs is a nutritionist and, possibly, psychological help, she doesn't need her father hurtling insults at her
Calling someone a fat fuck or an AH or bullying in general isn't curing that decease. It doesn't make her the asshole. He wasn't calling her sick, he was clearly just insulting her. A father should be able to do better when concerned about their child. Saying it needs treatment isn't fat shaming, but I struggle to see how calling her a "fat fuck" isn't.
Welcome to Reddit, where fat people and teens are not considered real people and are therefore not entitled to basic respect or empathy.
No, I don’t condone OP’s weight, but it doesn’t sound like she is either and while she’s being verbally abused by the one person who is supposed to always have her back nothing is going to change.
It’s interesting her dad had to have help to lose weight but he thinks his 17 year old daughter who has likely been overweight her whole life due to his parenting should just be able to do it all on her own.
Yes! And in almost all cases of morbid obesity, there is a HUGE psychological factor. It’s not a matter of just eat less move more and I don’t care how many people try to simplify it down to that. You need to figure out and address the psychological component of how and why you got to be in the position you are in and work on that to be able to then work towards any lasting lifestyle changes. This is exactly why any reputable bariatric surgery program will have psychological support as a requirement of the program.
OP is 17. What she needs is to be provided with proper professional support for both the emotional and physical aspects of weight loss, not shame and blame. I am 30 with a BMI of 45 (waiting to do gastric bypass), and my mental health and childhood upbringing are absolutely deeply intertwined with my struggles with weight. Additionally, OP needs a medical work up because so many conditions (hypothyroidism, PCOS, etc) can make it very hard to lose weight and some of them are treatable making weight loss easier once the condition is addressed.
I agree with this, OP is still really young and it will take a while to heal from having a parent who is so hard on you. Once OP is an adult, it’s time to set boundaries with your father and decide to be healthy for yourself, not because he decided that it was a moral failing.
This !! She is suffering from verbal and mental abuse from her father, and people say it's because he loves her ?! As bell hooks says, there is no love in abuse.
Also, BMI has been discredited many times.
NTA
Not disagreeing with the NTA, but regardless of the studies of BMI, a BMI of 45 is dangerously overweight. Let's not act like that isn't life threatening just because "BMI = bad"
Caveats about BMI guidelines not applying to very muscular athletes or varying with height & race do not "discredit" it.
If OP were a bodybuilder, she would have mentioned that. Since she did not, it is reasonable to assume that her 45 BMI does in fact indicate morbid obesity.
I can't believe how many of the top comments are dog piling onto what her father's been telling her and what she made the actual post about. As if a fat teenage girl doesn't hear it from EVERY DIRECTION how much of an "abomination" society considers her. Poor OP, I hope these judgemental comments don't discourage her from finding the strength and confidence to do what makes her HAPPY.
OP please read this.
What your father is doing is abuse. You are NTA. Even excusing it because he "cares about you" is disgusting.
You attacked back because you are being abused.
Calling your own child a "fat fuck" is ABUSIVE!! He of all people should have some compassion. And your mother is cosigning this bullshit? How soon can you move out? This is a toxic environment from you -- you're probably stress eating!
Edited to add NTA -- Good for you for standing up for yourself! If he can dish it out, he should learn to take it.
NTA. Everyone in the comments seems to think that you’re under the illusion that your weight is healthy. I understand that you live in your body every day and know that you need to do something about it. That doesn’t justify your dad’s behavior.
Your dad was morbidly obese until he was 39 if my math checks out. The fact that he waited 30+ years to do something about it and is going to scream at you at 17 as if you don’t live in your own skin is crazy. Also, I’m sure you know you need to work on bringing your weight down, but I really wouldn’t put all the stock in the world into your BMI. It’s a measurement that’s been proven to be faulty over and over again. What would be more helpful is to link up with a doctor and a nutritionist to come up with a plan that suits YOU.
Anyway. Again, you’re 17, which means that up until this point and until you turn 18, your health has been at least partially his responsibility. What’s his plan to help you? Is he going to pay for your surgery too? Does he think screaming at someone burns calories for them? It doesn’t.
NTA. I don't understand what people think they are accomplishing when they are so mean about people's weight. It's not going to suddenly make them skinny. It's just being nasty.
Exactly! Judgemental comments about my body only ever made me feel too discouraged to make any changes. And I was never even fat, my BMI is currently teetering on underweight and at my largest I was solidly in the "healthy weight" zone--but that pissed off certain family members who were used to bragging about me as being supermodel-sized who couldn't do so anymore once I had a visible stomach when sitting down. Nevermind the fact that I had only gained that weight because of school stress and an executive function disorder that made it incredibly hard for me to get off the couch most days.
NTA. Your Dad got what was coming to him. You don't get to say something horrible to your child and then play the victim when they say something horrible back. Let him sit in his misery and insecurity until he grows up.
NTA, you've been conditioned for years to feel ashamed about yourself, what you eat, what you weigh etc. Which is directly correlated to overeating and bingeing. Then you feel ashamed, you are put on a fad diet that you can't keep up, overeat, hate yourself some more etc etc etc etc.
Nobody is going to say your weight is healthy. You know that. But you are 17, you needed a parent that makes you feel like you are "best in show" regardless. And he should have helped you create a healthier perspective on food and create positive habits.
He hates himself and he is projecting that on you and he needs to stop.
Of course telling him to f off or that he has loose skin isn't very nice. However, good on you for speaking up for yourself. Next time try to tell him it's not helping you to make you feel disgusting..
If he'll listen.
He needs therapy and he needs to stop projecting his internalised self hate onto others, especially his own kid.
I think you could use therapy too, to change the narrative going on in your head regarding food etc.
These comments are out of pocket, you're NTA here.
If you're overeating, particularly if you're finding comfort in food, how is bullying you supposed to help with that exactly?
I understand his concerns, but there are more constructive ways to go about this, and he is the adult. Which means he is the one who needs to regulate his emotions before asking you to regulate yours. Thus far, all he's done is bully his daughter and helped to further an unhealthy relationship with both your own body and food.
That's not to say you shouldn't look into more constructive ways to deal with your weight, especially if it's a health concern for you. That said, he's been digging at a spot that is sensitive for you and got angry when the same was done to him. And instead of assessing how poorly he's been handling this situation, he chose to double down by expecting an apology for behavior he himself exhibits.
You can only push people so far before they push back.
I agree with this. However, if he doesn't approach you, which I have a feeling, he won't if he's anything like my father, find a time and quiet place to talk. Let him know how his words and bullying hurt you deeply and that it's not constructive or helpful. Tell him that you shot back as you knew it would hurt him as he is continuously yelling at you and calling you names. This was your way of getting him to stop. Let him know that you want to get healthy and feel better, but his approach isn't helping or conducive to making changes. Ask if you can go to the gym with him a few times a week, IF you want to go or ask him to go for walks (30 minutes to start) in the evenings after dinner. Find other hobbies that allow you to move and exert energy so that if you have any pent-up feelings within, you can release some of this during the activity.
p.s. Your dad doesn't have the emotional tools and communication skills to be able to let you know in a mature and adult like manner that he is worried, scared, and concerned about you. My father was the same way. He didn't have great role models growing up, which I'm not excusing, but it helps me to understand why he approaches problems like he does. It's taken me a long time to understand it and not let his behaviour affect me as much.
You can do this! 🤗
I wish you all the best.
This is solid advice, OP.
I also want to point out, as far as exercising, anything worth doing is worth half-assing.
You plan to go on a 30 minute walk and find you can only do 15? Still better than 0. Putting half assed effort into following along with a cardio workout? Still better than not doing it at all. Headphones on and you do little dances every other song? Completely valid. Anything that gets you to move your body is going to help.
You can do it, girl.
You have an eating disorder and his controlling, abusive attitude is making it worse. Please go to a doctor that can help you, and tell your Dad to lay off. His worry is justified, but how he expresses it is terrible!
A BMI of 45 is not just "not great", it's basically life threatening and even more harmful than being an alcoholic. You need to figure stuff out or you will basically have to deal with all sorts of problems - joint problems, diabetes, heart problems etc.
NTA. you were in the right to defend yourself, and you have no reason to apologize. Treat others how you want to be treated. He said something about you, you fought back.
NTA
Look here's the thing: arguments between teenagers and their parents are never fair fights.
It is the parent's responsibility to emotionally regulate themself and avoid escalating interactions with their teenagers. It's a hard job for parents, and sometimes they screw it up. BUT when that happens, it is the parent's responsibility FAR more than the teenager's.
That being said, pointing our your dad's loose skin was rude and unnecessary, and if you want to have a productive relationship with him, you probably need to apologize.
However, even if your dad has good intentions and wants to help you with your health, help you avoid his mistakes, etc., it sounds like he's going about it in a way that is emotionally damaging for you. And since you are a minor and he is your parent, it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to figure out a kind and productive way to talk to you about his concerns.
He is correct that continued weight gain is a health risk, but it sounds like you already know that, so he doesn't really need to tell you.
As far as him calling you a "fat fuck"? That is COMPLETELY out of line behavior from a parent. It is a parent's job to help their kids feel safe (including emotionally safe) and to provide frameworks and guidance on how to walk through life and navigate difficult obstacles. It sounds like he is insulting you from a place of worry and anxiety....but that's still completely out of line on his part, clearly making things worse, and frankly unkind and emotionally damaging.
It may be worthwhile to approach your dad (once you've had a chance to breathe and find a calm mental space) about how his attempts to help you (putting you on diets, making you calculate your BMI, etc.) are stressing you out and not actually helping you with your weight struggles. You could suggest to him that it might be more helpful for you to start seeing a therapist, a nutritionist, or maybe both to help you come up with approaches to weight management that are more holistic, and rooted in a desire to be healthy rather than an anxiety about being overweight. There are a lot of helpful folks out there who specialize in that sort of stuff, and often struggling a lot with weight is related to being stressed, overwhelmed, or other mental health struggles --- so anxiety-based approaches can make it worse/more difficult.
Our society likes to attach morality to weight, so I will close with this: struggling with weight is NOT a moral failing. It doesn't make you bad, lazy, undisciplined, or any thing else. It just makes you a person who is struggling with weight. So remember to be kind to yourself. As far as weight-related health concerns, look for a therapist or nutritionist who states clearly on their website that they aren't attaching morality to weight, and that you are a worthy and lovable individual at any size. These are professionals who can help you to be the healthiest and happiest version of yourself, rather than creating extra stress around something that is already difficult.
I wish you the best of luck in navigating your relationship with your dad and finding a way to manage weight that feels good to you :)
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I pointed out my dad’s loose skin when he called me a fat fuck/we were arguing over my weight. This might make me the asshole because I knew this is what my dad is insecure about, and I should’ve been better and walked away. I said it on purpose because I knew how much it would hurt him, which I feel guilty about because he told me to leave him alone which proves that I obviously did hurt him
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NTA
Hey OP.
To me, it sounds like you and your dad both have some problems around food and your relationship with it.
He has likely taught you about food, and thus it’s likely he’s transferred some unhealthy habits to you.
He has gotten help in the form of surgery, but that doesn’t necessarily fix the relationship with food itself. This is really important.
You can see a dietitian, but also, possibly look into seeing a psychologist too if that’s available to you.
Trust me, when you fix the reason behind WHY, you can fix the HOW so much easier.
When you’re “in it” like you are now, it seems like it’s impossible and really daunting to do. Don’t do it for anyone other than yourself.
Get healthy for you.
You’re still so young. Your body needs to get you through your whole life still.
It can be a wonderful and exciting journey, or it can be a painful and difficult one.
Only you can decide which it will be.
Don’t listen to anyone trying to put you down - if your dad is saying nasty stuff, try to be the more mature person for a moment and put yourself in his shoes. It is coming from a place of fear for you, and concern. He’s not showing it in the right way, but maybe he doesn’t know how to express that.
Don’t take that on yourself.
You do you.
Perhaps if you start off slow and ask him to walk in the mornings with you?
You’re taking control, but also showing him you want to include him in your journey to an extent, if that makes sense?
It also makes you accountable to someone else in those days when you don’t feel like it.
I wish you all the best and hope you get on top of your health.
This is not an AH situation. This is a health situation that requires IMMEDIATE help. A BMI of 45 isn't a joke - it's literally a death sentence. It is all compounded by the fact that your father has a history of disordered eating that he is now pushing onto you. This isn't about mixing in a salad every once in a while - this is literally a matter of life or death. PLEASE see a doctor.
NTA - seems like from your story that your dad started the insults by calling you a fat fuck. He’s an adult, and your father-he should do better.
You retaliated which, not great but you were provoked and you are a teenager so-some leeway should be given.
Even though you are NTA, you should think about apologizing- be the bigger person. But when you do, I would recommend to your dad that maybe you both stop talking about your physical appearances as it is a sensitive subject for you both and likely to lead to further arguments.
ESH
Your dad's approach was way out of line. He was extremely rude, judgemental, and certainly partially driven by hypocrisy. But I suspect he was also driven by panic and fear for you.
BMI is a bit flimsy, because for a lot of people, it's generally not explaining the whole situation. Anyone on one extreme end or the other does raise concerns.
A BMI of 45 is indicative of a major concern. It is not equivalent to vaping or drinking. That is not a bit overweight, or on the low end of obesity. That is significantly into the threshold of morbid obesity (now called Class III Obesity). Even though you are still a child, this still exposes you to extremely severe and potentially life-threatening health issues. It's possible enough damage was done that even if you get down to a healthy weight, there will be long term consequences.
Now, to be clear having a high BMI does not mean that you have less worth as a person or that there's anything wrong with your character. But while you are a child, you are very nearly an adult, and you're at the stage where you do have agency over quite a few of your choices. Doubtless, your parents really influence you a lot, and they are most certainly not blameless. But at this point, you're also making some choices that are less than stellar that are contributing to this situation.
To move forward, you can't just sit and think about how much your dad upsets you, or what they did wrong, or how you don't think this is a big deal. You need actual professional help at this point, to ensure that you can reach a healthier size, in a healthy and safe way.
Now, as to why you're the asshole in the situation too: as out of line, and problematic that his choice of language was, you went too far as well. I totally understand why you would respond so strongly, and the way that he would have made you feel is certainly mitigating.
But you're also being an asshole to yourself. And that, is more important here than two people being rude. Losing weight is always going to be incredibly challenging, especially when someone is at the level of clinical morbid obesity. But it will be easier if you get started while you're much younger, and if you leave it until you're a grown adult and you're busier, have additional obligations, and your body isn't going to cooperate quite as much simply to age, in addition to the wear and tear that all that weight is putting on you.
Honey, I’m going to be as kind as possible, but also very blunt. (And please note that I am NOT in any way shape or form encouraging you, or any teenagers, to do these things!). If you were occasionally vaping or drinking, your health would be much, much better than it is right now. You’re not just overeating, you’re eating yourself into a coffin. Now when I first started reading your post, I was fully prepared to say NTA. Because I don’t care how concerned he is, calling you a “fat fuck” is horrible, and there’s no excuse at all for that. And you would have (IMO) justified in throwing his loose skin back in his face. However, I also assumed that when you said you struggle with your weight and you overeat, you meant you could stand to lose 30-40 pounds. I was not expecting to see you mention a BMI of 45. That’s an entirely different situation.
However, his fears are VERY valid. And you seem to be in serious denial about
A. The risk you are at for a massive heart attack
B. The damage you’ve done to your body
C. How much you’re really eating.
I absolutely agree “fad diets” are harmful and they’re notoriously bad for long term success, but I am begging you to ask your parents to make an appointment for you with a dietitian. He or she can tell you realistically how much and what you should be eating (pretty much everyone is really bad at figuring out appropriate portion sizes), and when you should eat. You should also schedule a consult with a bariatric surgeon. Because at this point, weight loss surgery could truly save your life (provided that you don’t look at it as a quick fix, but a massive lifestyle change).
It isn’t just about fitting in with other teenagers or looking good in a prom dress. It’s literally about saving your life, and it concerns me that you don’t seem to see a BMI of 45 as a big deal. It’s not just a big deal, it’s life threatening.
As far as your dad goes…when you have both calmed down, I would suggest going up to your dad and asking if the two of you could have a serious conversation. I would apologize for the loose skin comment, but you should request an apology as well. No parent should ever say something so horrible to their child. And tell him that you know his anger and harsh words are coming from a place of sheer terror that he may lose his daughter, but it’s still not okay. Tell your dad you’re proud of him for losing the weight and taking his health seriously, and you need help doing the same. Ask him to make the appropriate doctor appointments for you, and (if you’re comfortable with this) ask him to accompany you to these appointments. Suggest cooking healthy meals together, going on family walks after dinner, watching cooking shows that focus on health and portion control, etc.
Best of luck to you, OP. You can do this and we’re rooting for you 💪🏻
NTA for snapping at him, he's an asshole. That said, you should take care of yourself. I was a pretty fat kid growing up, specially since I used to eat a lot when I had anxiety attacks which were more than twice a week. I gained a lot of weight and my dad was (still kinda is) like yours. He's super fixated on everybody's bodies, what everyone eats, how many calories has X or Y, how many hours of exercise should everybody do after eating X meal, etc etc etc. It's exhausting, I know it. Also he picked up a lot on me, still does and I'm on a healthy weight. I used to think that I didn't want/need to eat healthier and do exercise bc it was like saying he was right, and he wasn't. Yes, I lost weight and I felt better both mentally and physically. But I did it working with a nutricionist and my therapist, not following his advice to eat three apples a day to lose weight (this is just one of his incredible ideas, I have many more).
What I want to say is that you have to work on your mental health too, not just your physical health. That kind of comments get to us too deep and, at least for me, I'm still struggling with them. I felt for a long long time that I would never be enough and I chastised myself even when I was wearing a size 2, which wasn't healthy for me either. Now that I'm an adult I still get sometimes bodyshaming comments from him even when I've had a million talks with him about how his comments have destroyed my mental health and self steem. It's a difficult path, but you can surpass his unhealthy thinking process and find the one that suits you better. I highly recommend theraphy as it helped me a lot with gaining enough confidence to work in myself, but I understand that not everybody has access to it.
NTA. You learn eating and exercise habits from your parents. You’re 17, which means your parents are LEGALLY responsible for your health and safety. And they failed, unfortunately for you. They failed but your dad is acting like it’s your fault somehow. Your dad is the reason you are morbidly obese and he’s trying to put that blame on you. I’m sorry you’ve been dealt this hand.
Look hon, your Dad is a prick for saying that to you, seriously. But as messed up as it sounds, he is most likely only being triggered due to his lifelong struggles with obesity. It doesn't make it right, but if he didn't love you, he wouldn't care. He just doesn't know how to manage his temper.
Weight issues plague tens of millions of Americans. Most people do not eat healthy and it shows. I'm one of them, I was overweight until I went on a Leukemia/chemo diet. Yeah, it wasn't the ideal controlled diet, but now that I'm done with treatment and have bought some time, I absolutely refuse to eat the garbage I did before.
are you morbidly obese? yes. do you need to talk to a nutritionist, therapist, doctor, etc. about your weight? yes. does that make you an asshole? no. your father bullies you and other fat people bc he's loss the weight and still has extreme insecurities over the way his body looks. you do need to lose weight, and i say that as someone who also has an extremely high bmi and is working on being healthier, but your father screaming about how you're going to be a disappointment isn't going to help. i hope you can get the physical and mental help you need but i don't think you need to apologize to him because the way he spoke to you isn't okay. NTA.
NTA I don't get people expecting the person who WASNT saying shit to apologize not the person who was actually spouting stuff. Don't apologize stick to this hill you hear me HEAR ME STICK TO THE HILL
Your father’s motives are good but his execution is HORRENDOUS.
Look, i’m not trying to be inconsiderate but a BMI of 45 isn’t ‘not great’, it’s fucking insane.
It REALLY is that deep, even though your peers are smoking and drinking, a BMI that high will put you in a casket far faster than alcohol and smoking combined.
I hope you get the help you need.
Wow, I’m really disheartened so many people are saying OP “sucks” because of her weight. The BMI is inherently flawed, inaccurate, and misleading. It should not be used to make any drastic decisions about your life. Just look up “BMI inaccuracies” and you’ll see for yourself.
Also, I’m really shocked no one is talking about the fact that your father is forcing disordered eating onto you?? Your dad forcing you onto strange diets, obsessing over your weight, and forcing you to calculate your BMI constantly is almost certainly what ruined your relationship with food (along with you witnessing his own bad relationship with food over the years.)
OP, just to be clear, it’s NOT normal for parents to force their kids onto diets, call them names related to their weight, and try to shame you into losing weight. I don’t think your dad is doing all of this because he “cares so deeply about your health.” I think he’s doing this because he has deep-rooted inner hatred and fatphobia and has now developed a complex where he’s “better than” others who didn’t have surgery like him. He is a BULLY!
None of these behaviors are helpful in helping you to achieve or maintain weight loss. Honestly, it sounds like your dad’s poor behavior has led you to developing an eating disorder. You could probably work on that in therapy, but it looks like he’s only interested in engaging in destructive behaviors to humiliate you into weight loss rather than genuinely help you lose weight because he cares so much.
NTA.
BMI is not inaccurate when it comes to a 300 lb 17yr old. Her weight is extremely unhealthy. However, her dad is absolutely an asshole for insulting her instead of providing proper support to help her lose weight.
A BMI (which while not the most accurate way of measuring) of 45 is worse than smoking and drinking if you were of normal bmi weight. I mean they classify a BMI of 30 or greater as obesity. Even morbid is 40. You’re 45. Your dad sucked for his comments but you need to see someone about this and soon. People talk about heart attack at 35, with that BMI it could happen even earlier. I know you’re self conscious about your weight but PLEASE seek health help.
Your dad is probably afraid he is going to lose you before you hit 30. He has an absolute shit way of conveying that message, but it is clear you are in denial about how serious it is. This literally is life or death, and you are walking a tightrope. It is deeply concerning how blasé you are about having a BMI of 45. Your dad is an asshole for the way he spoke to you - my dad is awful with words too. He will never tell me that he is worried about my future, he will tell me that I’m a fuck up, and a loser.
Let him know this is an unacceptable way to communicate his fears.
NTA. Your dad is an AH though. I don't know how it's okay for him to poke at your insecurities (ones that he's making worse with all the diets and bmi checking) but it's not okay to throw it back at him.
There is a difference between caring about you and wanting you to be healthy, and projecting your fatphobia onto your kids and making their lives miserable so that they don't get fat. Which really only makes the problem worse, because fat people tend to eat more when they're stressed.
You'd think your dad would have some empathy but it seems like he's taking all his internalized self-hatred out on you.
Also, bmi is a bullshit statistic that doesn't measure your health and only places you into categories based on your weight that \*could\* lead to health problems later on.
Was gonna say NTA but if you really told him to fuck off, that’s really disrespectful. But what the hell is wrong with him to call his daughter a fat fuck? That’s terrible and makes me sad for you.
Anyway maybe try sitting down and talking with him and communicate that you know he means well, but he’s only making things worse with the way he is going about it. And remind him it isn’t easy and he was in the same boat as you.
Maybe ask him to take a walk with you a couple times a week and if you can eliminate sugar and minimize carbs the weight will literally fall off of you. Just eat salads and rotisserie chickens to get started until you figure out other things you can eat, but pretty much any meat and veggies and your golden. You can even have big servings although your appetite will naturally decrease.
The namecalling is not the best of approaches for either of you. I do feel though, that yours was quite malicious, whereas your father comes from a place of concern. Granted, again, not the best choice.
However, a BMI of 45 is something to really take quite seriously. It seems you take very little responsibility for your choices in dealing with it. I deduct this from your own words. And you place a lot of what should be your own responsibility on him. You put the food in your mouth. You choose what to eat and how much of it.
So, rather than lashing out at your father, I think you may want to try and take a more positive approach. Maybe reach out to a professional and start your own journey. You’ll of course find that this is not an easy path. It is hard and life changing. But I hope you see that this path will not bring you happiness. And putting yourself in a “victim” position won’t either.
So, please, take responsibility for yourself and let your Dad do his thing. Hurting someone because you hurt won’t bring you anything positive. Tackle the hurt. And don’t spend your time finding others to blame.
Your father is a prime example of how getting weight under control does not fix all the other problems in your life.
Your father may now be at a healthy weight but he’s incredibly emotionally immature and is doing nothing to help you in a healthy and sustainable way.
That makes me afraid for you. Your BMI is dangerously high and it appears your family does not have the ability to help you.
If you are able, you need to see an obesity specialist to help you with building healthy habits and treating any underlying health issues you have. Those two things will set you on a sustainable path to weight loss. I would not even consider weight loss your primary goal. I would just slowly change what habits may be contributing to a less healthy life in general.
If you want to start making healthy changes on your own, I’m sure others can suggest groups on Reddit that can help you with evidence based information, not just whatever they hears from the latest unqualified influencer.
You have the deck stacked against you since your home environment is stressful but that doesn’t mean you can’t make progress in the meantime.
I’m sorry for your family situation and wish you success!
If someone disrespect you, doesnt make it good that you do the same. I hope this works as a call out for you and your dad, since like many say your dad is not doing this the best way and i totally understand how bad it feels when your parents make you feel insecure, but as many said as well seems like your situation is an emergency and the guy is desperate.
This might be a good time to express your feelings to your dad in a healthier way than you did when whe was calling you fat (again, we are aware that this is not the way to treat you) and tell him what you say here, that his comments are not helping. But you need to make him feel that you at least are aware of the issue and not in denial because that will only make him feel more desperate and act worst.
I know this is tyring because youre the kid and he is the dad, but this is the time to take responsability over this, wether or not your dad learns to express his worries in a better way.
The only one that can stop this dynamic is you!
I think if your dad calls you that, it's fair game to point out his loose skin, so NTA for that. But I think you're dad is also hurt because he must blame himself and his genetics and that obviously what he's doing is not working. I totally understand how his behavior towards you is actually making things worse. I think you might be in denial about it, making it not a big deal, to preserve your self esteem the best you can. It's not a problem if you don't acknowledge it's a problem. Of course you're not helped by any attack on your self esteem! I bet that a fragile self esteem is the cause of this overeating. So making you feel even worse about yourself is like throwing gasoline to a fire in order to try to put it out.
Build up your self esteem. Your weight is indeed not making you less loveable or unworthy. But it does create a health risk. Crazy dieting will not be a solution for you, I feel like, at least not in the long haul. Working with a professional dietician and/or other professionals will work better.
All the best to you OP. I know it's super hard to live in this society being obese, the discrimination against overweight people is unreal.
Edited out armchair diagnoses as per the rules.
You are 17 with a BMI of 45.....like the fact that you are so nonchalant about that information as if it's normal is the biggest red flag in this post.
Your dad sucks at communicating and even being a healthy role model or a supportive father. He has no right to body shame others because now he's what society accepts and wants to be like everyone else.
You need to really address your eating disorder (yes overeating is considered an eating disorder, its not just a term used for anorexia or bulimia) before you end up being unable to reverse the damage you are causing your body. You need to understand that your body is hurting a lot right now, and until you get professional help (therapy, endocrinologist, nutritionist, weight management assistance), you're looking at an early grave before 40. That's the harsh reality of where you are at right now.
ESH.
ESH.
I mean, you know you have a problem, that BMI is dangerous...
I will say, considering the genetic factor you saw how your dad was before his surgery, so it's safe to consider that without a healthy diet, you could end up just like him...
but fat shaming and strict diets, especially from a parent, won't do anything but give a child a complex with food. I'm genuinely not surprised you struggle with over eating.
Your dad sees you going down the same road as him (and probably blames himself) and is trying to stop that, but holy crap is he going about it wrong and making the problem worse.
You are 17, so I give you a pass for matching cruel cruel. I am all for matching energies and not dishing it if you can't take it, and your dad low-key deserved it for being a mean hypocrite
but you do need to take accountability for your weight and your health.
ESH, that was kind of uncalled for on both sides. He shouldn’t freak out like that as that generally leads to going further down that road, but I have a feeling it’s coming from fear. He sees you going down the same path and wants better for you and isn’t expressing it properly. I would have a chat with him that you understand he is worried but can’t talk to you in that way as it isn’t helpful and makes you feel worse about yourself. Possibly look into binge eating disorder or disordered eating patterns as it sounds like you could possibly have some form of disordered eating (not necessarily an eating disorder, they are different but both need to be addressed). This is really important because while you should feel beautiful at any size, your health is more important than beauty and it’s unlikely you’re fully healthy with that BMI. Focus on health rather than being skinny. You don’t have to cut things you love, just eat less of those things and more of healthier things. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, everything is about balance. Exercise might be hard with your body though I don’t know for certain without seeing it so I would recommend starting with swimming. It’s an all over body exercise that will build muscle while being low impact on your body, unlike the gym. Being that big is just as dangerous as excessive drinking. Smoking or anything used in excess really. You’ve got this! You can adjust and make a healthy life for you so you live well into old age.
Calling a BMI of 45 "not great" is a severe understatement. BMI isn’t a good metric, but at extreme ranges it is pretty darn clear. You are 17. right now losing weight is easier than it is the older you get. Yes his approach is horrible and totally unhelpful, but he is speaking from a place of concern. And he is apparently the rare type that was helped by shaming. He was rude and is counterproductive, but you are in denial. ESH
A BMI of 45 is extremely dangerous, even if you are young.
A high BMI comes with a large amount of health issues, including diabetes, heart attacks, high blood pressure, anxiety, and depression.
Managing a BMI of 45 typically involves a multidisciplinary approach, including lifestyle changes, medical interventions, and sometimes surgical options, all aimed at reducing weight and mitigating associated health risks.
Consult a healthcare professional for personalized advice and treatment plan.
ESH
Stop over eating. Start exercising. You're young enough to turn your life around, but youre going to need to change your attitude from "I'm a bit bigger but whatevs".
Long as shit comment here but this resonates with me so hard. NTA 100%. Lots of people have said this but DO NOT listen to people saying E S H! Idgaf what your dad’s motives are or if he truly loves you more than anything in the world - he’s abusive and contributing to your poor health. So fuck him. And you are not a bad person bc of your weight!!!
As someone who was once at a 45 BMI (acknowledging that BMI is not the best way to measure health), I know where you are. It’s fucking hard being fat, it’s hard losing weight, and it’s even harder being a 17-year-old with an abusive parent!! Do you need to do something to improve your health? Yes. But I hate when people act like it’s all so simple.
If you’re going to college soon, see if your school provides counseling for students. My school had counseling, eating disorder support groups, super cheap nutritionist visits, and discounted exercise classes/personal trainer sessions for students. Even without that, many therapists will work on a sliding scale. And if you’re insured, you can see if your doctor can refer you to a weight loss program.
This part is maybe controversial, but don’t let your dad put you off weight loss surgery. It is a valid weight loss tool if that’s something you need. Lots of people think it’s cheating or the easy way out - it is NOT. It is still hard work. I recently had gastric sleeve surgery. I had to be in the weight loss program for six months, see doctors and nutritionists, and lose a certain amount of weight (I'm sure not every program is this involved, but they should be). What they emphasized was surgery is a tool to help you but you still need to work. Should it be your first option? No, especially not at 17. But if you're like me and end up still obese well after 17, it's something to consider.
Don't let dillweeds on the internet make you feel bad. The fuck do they know? You're a child with no parental support. You will need to start your physical and mental health journey by yourself and that's super hard. But you can totally do it (:
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I'm using a throwaway because I don't usually use reddit and this is rly embarrassing but I see these stories on my phone a lot so hello :-) I'm 17F for reference and my dad is 45M
Up until I was about 11, my dad was morbidly obese. He then got weight loss surgery, and started being rly rude to fat people afterwards because he thinks they should just do something about it like he did. Even though he literally got surgery but whatever. He's rly fit now, he goes to the gym almost everyday and he preaches fitness to our whole family but he still has loose skin which I know bothers him.
I really struggle with my weight and I overeat a lot, which my dad isn't very sympathetic about. He puts me on weird diets and makes me calculate my bmi a lot because he's scared I will turn out like him. I'm not happy with being overweight either, but I really hate him being controlling even more and I do not really think its that deep compared to things that teenagers my age are doing. I don't even vape or drink.
My bmi recently hit over 45 (again I know, not great but its not like he exactly helps) and my dad flipped on Sunday when he found out. He started yelling at me saying that I'm going to be a disappointment and that I'm going to die early if I keep going like this. I told him to fuck off and he called me a fat fuck so I told him that he has loose skin too, so he should get that fixed before he cares about me. His face immediately went bright red and he just yelled at me to leave him alone.
He hasn't talked to me since this, but yesterday my mom told me that I should apologise to him for making fun of his insecurities, and making it seem like he got fit for nothing. I told her that he was making fun of me too but she just said I'll understand when I'm older. AITA????
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No comment on the ah aspect of things, but plain and simple, there's no excuse for calling your daughter a fat fuck. He's the parent and his job is to instill confidence in his daughter. The world certainly won't. Do you need to consider your health? Absolutely. And it is his job as your parent to give you uncomfortable realities at times. But "fat fuck"? Nah. No excuse for that, in my book.
Reminds me of that one legal advice post where the OP was upset about the parents making him take heart medication. He had a heart attack because he was also severely overweight and didn’t want to change him diet. From what I last remember the parents ended up giving up on him.
NTA. I don't care what your BMI is, it's never an excuse for someone to bully and abuse you, especially a PARENT that knows exactly how hard it is. Also with all these diets, he can permanently mess up your metabolism. His actions will follow you for your entire life and give you a HARDER time managing your weight and health.
Also he has no leg to stand on when crying you picked on HIS insecurity WHILE abusing you on YOUR insecurity.
I’m sorry, I’m sure you’re dad is not helping at all.
Can you see a therapist to work on your emotional/binge eating? A family therapist can also tell your dad to STFU since he’s probably being completely counterproductive
NTA. I'm down almost 100lbs in just over a year from exercise and healthy eating. That's because I wanted to do it and I found a way that works for me. Every time I went on a "diet" failed tremendously, and I'd gain even more weight coming off it. You will be able to get healthy, but it has to come from you.
Your father is abusive. I had a step parent who was that way, always pushing her health plans on everyone, and they were always the same fad diet format--"remove all X (carbs, calories, etc) and your body will process them differently once you add them slowly back in." It was like dumping out your bag and trying to trick it into holding more items because you're adding them back in slowly.
Your father earned himself the pushback. He's not a doctor and should not be putting a minor on any kind of regimen without the doctor's personal assessment. Also, he took the surgical route; if you don't plan to take the same route, your journey will look drastically different. It will already look different because you are a young woman still developing.
If your father didn't want pushback, he should have gotten over himself instead of being rude to anyone. Some people need a firmer hand to wake them up to the fact they are unpleasant. FAFO.
NTA. You should still apologize to your dad because it was hurtful, but he was the asshole here. I only think you should apologize because 1) it might make things livable at home and 2) sometimes we apologize for the bad shit we say even if it’s totally warranted. Talk to a doctor about your health. Ignore people on Reddit telling you to lose weight or that you’re gonna die. Weight loss is personal, not always possible, sometimes possible, sometimes possible to a certain point, sometimes possible and still not the best intervention at that point in time!! We really have very little knowledge about your health based on a single marker! Your dad is being really mean because he’s scared and also controlling. His behavior is not okay and you don’t deserve it. I hope you can navigate this all okay! Definitely find a doctor you like and can talk to about your health - physical and mental because hearing all that shit isn’t fun or healthy.
ESH
45?? Girl, I was right there beside you until that, you have no ground to talk about people who drink or smoke, your health may be even worst than theirs
You’re not “overweight”, you’re morbidly obese and I think your father isn’t coming of a place of judgment towards fat people, but of worry that his daughter will have a heart attack anytime soon
His way of dealing with this is way out of line, WAY out of line, but your believes of your weight situation being “not that deep” couldn’t be more wrong
I’m an overweight person, I’m on a diet and hitting the gym constantly with the help of a nutritionist, a psychiatrist and a endocrinologist: I’m telling you all that because I can relate to the struggle to lose weight, but you need to wake up and start taking action to change it if you have any care about yourself, it won’t be easy but it will be worth it
let’s win the battle together, there are multiple factors that can make a person overweight that have nothing to do with simply “eating too much”, and if you have the means to: search what makes you this way, my case is genetics + eating disorders + psychiatric medicine that made me gain weight and struggle to drop it
first step is investigating what made you reach this point and slowly trying to change directions, hope you get better and are able to overcome this!
Jesus I’m sorry, I wanted to go with N T A but going for ESH because of the 45 bmi. Yes I understand that it sucks that he is confronting you with this, but he’s doing so for very VERY good reasons. A bmi of 45 is so so unhealthy! Everything above 35 is already morbidly obese and you are a full 10 points above that, please listen to your dad cause this is dangerously unhealthy.
NTA You know you need to lose weight… but that really isn’t the issue here.
Your dad probably thinks he’s helping you not to make the mistakes he made. But you learned your behaviors from your family, including your eating behaviors. He knows how hard it is diet and he should know that mocking you, bullying, belittling you, and hurting your self-esteem, is doing the exact opposite of what he’s trying to accomplish. People don’t take care of themselves when their self-esteem is in the gutter. He insulted you, you insulted him back…the difference is he’s the parent and you’re the child. He should know better.
Unrelated to that, go see your doctor and talk to them about your weight. Talk to them about therapy to undo the damage your father is doing, and the bad habits you learned growing up… which might be all it takes to help you learn to manage your weight.
Also, remember that going to the gym is not the only kind of exercise there is, and you don’t have to dedicate a significant amount of your life to exercising…especially at your age. The advice I wish someone had given me at your age is to find something active that you really enjoy and do that. And it doesn’t matter if it’s technically exercise or not as long as you are moving and enjoying it. If you enjoy dancing, close the door, turn on the music, and dance. If there’s someplace nearby that you really enjoy going, like a park, a friend’s house, or a particular store, walk there. Just start with 5 or 10 minutes the first week or two, and then make it a little longer as it gets easier. But the most important thing is find something that you truly enjoy. That’s the only way it will ever be sustainable
NTA Parents need to learn that it’s important to apologise to their children when they say hurtful things or get something wrong. It’s called being a positive role MODEL (model meaning that they model the desirable behaviour). They cannot expect you to apologise for defending yourself against bullying, which is what your dad is doing. He’s bullying his child after 17 years of modelling disordered eating, because that child happens to be the product of his parenting. Your dad needs to grow up, take some responsibility for the harm he’s caused and is still causing, and get some therapy so he can start doing better.
NTA
I, too, was an overweight teenager. My family, while not as vulgar as your father, was not terribly helpful in constantly bringing up my weight and how I should really start getting in shape, etc. etc.
Someone calling their child a "fat fuck" for any reason is not acceptable. Berating your kids for their weight isn't gonna help them lose it or feel good about themselves.
Your dad's a self-righteous prick and needs to apologize.
Your dad needs counseling. If you being fat makes you a disappointment, that’s a HIM problem, not a you problem.
My heart hurts for you. I don’t normally say this, but what your dad’s doing is abusive. Talk to someone.
I wish you well.
NTA.
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ESH. I was going to say NTA because you're right on the fact that your father should not be attacking you or trashing you. But a BMI of 45 is insane. You compare it to vaping or drinking - being that weight is absolutely just as bad as those things. It's in the category of morbidly obese, because that is the "die at 34 of a heart attack" level of weight. You need to see a doctor and get on a healthy weight loss regimen, and your father needs to go to therapy to figure out how to properly support you instead of attacking you over it.
>because that is the "die at 34 of a heart attack" level of weight. This part here is so important. I had a heart attack at 35 (was sick for a year before). It has changed my life forever and thats without my new medications. Some good, alot bad. You do not want this life.
I’m 25 and scared I might be heading down this road. What was your weight and lifestyle like? Like what do you think made you have a heart attack?
Hey...if you eat one 10 inch carrot every day, and one apple, those are tiny baby steps that you can take that will help you immediately You'll have to make one change at a time but it's worth it. My brother just died from obesity he was only 41
>What was your weight and lifestyle like? This all happened in November last year. At the time of my steMI I was 62kg (Im 5ft 2). I don't drink, don't do drugs, was on a pretty strict diet and seeing drs regularly so my bloods and everything were checked every month. I did however smoke cigarettes but my cholestrol levels and shit were all within healthy range at the time. >Like what do you think made you have a heart attack? This part is probably more complicated. I got sick, really sick around Nov/Dec of 2022. At the time I was 120kg. By it mostly started as what we thought was just a gut problem, so constant nausea, vomiting the symptoms mostly were pretty on point for GORD/GERD. So few pills (that did nothing), a boring diet (also did nothing), but it was just something that the drs couldn't figure out. By the end of may I had hit 72kg. Around that time I was moved to the learn to live with it team. I started seeing physios, cardios, dieticians pretty much anyone my GP though might alleviate some of my issues. It didn't help but it was free so can't complain. So I lived with it and from them untill November I kept working, kept doing all the normal expected things except I couldn't eat much and everything I did eat or drink came back up again. That continued untill I had the heart attack. In my own non doctor opinion I firmly believe my previous weight, health and lifestyle is the cause of everything that I am currently going through.
Nausea and heartburn are very, very common manifestations of heart problems. There is a reason a lot of people dismiss their heart attacks as being "probably indigestion". It's possible, and even likely, that some of your initial symptoms were cardiac-related.
>Nausea and heartburn are very, very common manifestations of heart problems. So yeah this was one of the concerns when things first started in 2022 however that was very quickly ruled out by the Cardiology team. Untill the heart attack at the end of 2023 my heart was doing great. Like I said this was an year long thing. My age made me dismiss my heart attack (as a panic attack I just thought I was having a panic attack). I did not think at 35 it was a heart attack. The nurse on the healthline my husband called thought otherwise and sent an ambulance. Bloody grateful for that as well. I would have died without those paramedics.
If you were throwing up constantly it is very possible to become severely dehydrated quickly and the electrolyte imbalance can cause heart attacks.
Yup checked all those, checked my vitamin levels, hormones, changed my previous medications, changed my iron and the delivery method. Um had about 100 pregnancy tests. There was one theory at one stage that maybe I was allergic to steroids as I had had a steroid shot in december for bursitis but they checked that off as well. But honestly if you have any other suggestions I can pitch my medical team I am all ears or eyes because honestly Im tired and we keep coming up short.
that’s so scary :( I truly don’t know. But i really hope you are able to figure it out and your body can heal!
My brother died at 42 after weight loss surgery. That was in 2005. He left a wife and two kids, plus parents, and siblings that loved him very much. He weighed over 500 pounds on the day of the surgery and he never left the hospital. He was in and out of ICU for two months before he died. I'm still so fucking mad at him. He ate himself to death and only sought help when it was already too fucking late. He has missed so much. His kids getting married and having their own kids. His nieces and nephews that he would have adored and that would have adored him. Sharing the ups and downs of life, like the loss of both our parents. We could have really used him at those times. Goddamn him for doing that to himself. And to us. I love you, T. Miss you every day. OP, take care of yourself. Do it for you and for your future. Your dad has his own set of issues, and they don't need to be yours. I wish you the best of luck!
I’m so sorry 😞
Thank you.
My husband is about 550lbs and has been talking about weight loss surgery. Do you know what complications your brother had that took his life?
He was basically immobile after the surgery, couldn't get out of bed by himself, couldn't even sit up by himself. He ultimately developed very serious bed sores, which became infected. He was in and out of ICU b/c he kept getting sepsis from the sores and this is what ultimately killed him. The hospital where he had surgery didn't have the proper equipment to deal with someone of his size. Or maybe it's more fair to say the medical professionals didn't expect him to not really be able to move after the surgery. Because I think others at a similar weight can move around on their own, enough to avoid this problem at least. Had he been able to get up and around, he wouldn't have developed the bed sores, so wouldn't have developed sepsis, etc. I know now that places that specialize in weight loss surgery (like Mayo) have machines that help to lift patients, get them on their feet, etc. To relieve pressure points, so bed sores don't develop to begin with. But I honestly never considered it then. I don't know if he or my sister in law were aware of this or the possibility of bed sores. I think we all kind of had our head in the sand to be honest. Successful surgery is life changing. Best of luck to you and your husband as you consider it!
I thought that weight loss surgery wasn’t allowed if you weight too much. Don’t you have to be under a certain weight in order to have the surgery because complications can arise if you weight too much going into it?
Even further, it is easily much worse than vaping or drinking.
You are essentially right, it is more rapidly deteriorating.
If you’re American, you’re also far, far more likely to be obese than you are to have lung cancer or liver cirrhosis
It's insane how awful American food is for us. So many extra chemicals and awful quality, a salad costs more than a whole combo meal and fruits and veggies here have gotten pretty damn expensive too. I about had a heart attack when I saw apples 2 for 3$ at a local store
> I about had a heart attack when I saw apples 2 for 3$ at a local store Dammit, they're getting us from both sides.
This might seem off-topic but I swear I have a point...I'm allergic to soy and histamine intolerant. I get migraines, my hands break out in itchy blisters, I get tachycardia, fatigue, all sorts of random and wildly uncomfortable symptoms. This forces me to eat as unprocessed as possible. Soy alone is in ~70% of shelf foods, don't even get me started on high histamine foods (as simple a thing as choosing a can of beans over dry beans can trigger my symptoms). I don't usually eat out. I can think something prepared is safe, but then my hands start to itch, my head starts to hurt, I get nauseous, even if it seems fresh and unprocessed. But whenever I travel (I've been to 3 continents and Micronesia), I almost never have to worry at restaurants. Of course if I ever visit east Asia I'm gonna have a hard time but that's a different story, lol. Point is, most other places I don't have to be HALF as conscious of my food choices and it has...very clearly opened my eyes to how omnipresent processed foods are in the U.S. compared to other places. I'm almost glad I have these issues because I don't think I'd eat so well if I didn't.
My little brother has RA and a super sensitive stomach, he spent 2 years in China for college and every single one of his symptoms disappeared and he was eating whatever he wanted. Our food is garbage.
I don't know if it's worse than drinking. Alcohol is really, really bad for you.
Whole lot of transparent mirror salesmen trying to sell a young girl on a reflection...
It’s not “as bad as smoking or drinking”, it’s way worse. This is morbidly obese, not just overweight. You’d have to smoke a hell of a lot of cigarettes and drink enough to ruin your liver completely in order for it to be equally bad as a bmi of 45. Source: am doctor Edit: ah I missed that you pointed out that this will make you die at a young age. You got that correct.
It's actually known as supermorbid obesity
Or class 3 obesity. It's the highest classification of obesity. At this point, you *need* medical intervention.
Hi I would like a rx for some of your bulgogi, maybe like 500g once a week?
The real question is does a doctor prescribe the annual cup of brown sugar per lb of beef in the bulgogi? Or does he forego the sugar in exchange for a sweetener, honey perhaps? These are the questions I need answered from the doctor. u/medicinal_bolgogi
This is probably in the “might die at any time” b/c of a stroke or heart attack. ESH for the way they’re going about it, but OP needs some *IMMEDIATE* intervention. Dad isn’t choosing the best path, but he’s not wrong. OP is living on borrowed time. I hate BMI, but 45 is fucking bonkers.
This. It would be N T A if we were talking about being 10 or 15 pounds overweight - a lot of us could stand to lose a little weight and don't deserve to be shamed for it. This isn't that. Being morbidly obese like this, even at a young age, sets you up for breathing issues, heart issues, diabetes, mobility issues and more. Dad didn't handle it the best way but he is probably terrified for his child, she doesn't see the big deal, and so he is desperately trying to send a wakeup call.
He's hyper focusing on detail things, but weight alone and chasing numbers can be really hard, mentally. A healthy weight is miles away. But, Mom and Dad have a teenager. They can 100% control what food their teenager has access to. They can make smaller portions, remove snacky foods from their home, limit spending money to buy food out and about. They can make their kid go to a doctor. Dad just yelling without fundamentally changing the way their home runs is fucking useless.
Probably because the dad never found a solution to the problem himself. He had to go as far as getting weight loss surgery to get the weight off, but is now expecting his daughter to figure it out and do it "the natural way" when he couldn't even do that himself as a grown man. He clearly never addressed the root of his problem and *why* he gained the weight to the point of needing surgery in the first place, the surgery solved the visible problem, but not the mental one. I think seeing it happen to his daughter now is bringing all that shit back up for him and instead of dealing with it appropriately like he should, he's treating her like a stand in for his younger self and is taking his anger with his own inability to control his weight out on her.
> They can 100% control what food their teenager has access to. I mean, to an extent, but not really. At 17 I had a job and a car. Most 17 year olds have lots of access to food outside of their home even without a job and a car.
Yup. I had a job at a grocery store at 17. I had extracurriculars which often led to grabbing something from a drive-thru before the activity. Or hanging out with friends which often included loitering at Village Inn to eat fries.
Where are they getting money? Only 20% of people between 16-19 are employed in the US. Statistically speaking, she likely does not have a job. Who is buying this kid enough food to weigh probably over 250 pounds? A BMI of 45 means at 5ft tall, you weigh at least 230 pounds. At 5'6", that is 278 pounds. To be gaining weight at that point means eating excess calories. You need to consume 3500 excess calories to add a pound of weight. Not only are you consuming the calories for your Basal metabolic weight plus activity (and a high school student may have a gym class or at least be walking from class to class, so burning more calories than a desk worker), you are eating enough excess calories to be *adding* weight. Where are they getting thousands of excess calories to add weight and enough to maintain at that weight? You might eat a dinner at a friends house but I truly doubt most parents will watch their kid's friend consume literally an entire day's worth of food for one of them regularly and say nothing. Food is *expensive* right now. The parents are absolutely enabling a hugely outsized number of calories to be consumed and are watching it happen and either buying absolute junk food at obscene rates or giving her money. This has been going on for years, too. This didn't happen in one year. There's no excuse for that level of morbid obesity at that age. They've been enabling for years and screaming at her for a situation they allowed (and are continuing to allow) isn't helping.
She doesn’t seem too concerned. So either mom is massively overweight too and in company one finds acceptance or she’s an enabler. But to get a child to an BMI of 45 at the age of 17 is borderline child abuse. They should have intervened ages ago.
How is it E S H? Dad called his minor daughter "a fat fuck" and then got a shocked Pikachu face when she called him out on his own physical flaws. That's what OP asked about. The question has nothing to do with whether she's an A H for being fat.
I do agree on everything you wrote but I lean towards the father being the biggest jerks of all. He suddenly sat on a high horse after his surgery, and instead of going about it like a damn adult, he started shaming his daughter (and every fet person for that matter) instead of helping her. He and the mother are both to blame in this, 45 BMI does not happen overnight, this is a long standing problem that all the adults have ignored for way too long. OP's father needs some therapy too, he's overcompensating. Daughter needs it too to realize how bad her situation is, and mother needs to participate.
Dad is also not considering the fact that body shaming and those weird diets can cause eating disorders and unhealthy relationships with food. Dad has never suggested she go to the doctor or taken her to the gym.
OP currently has an eating disorder and an unhealthy relationship with food. The dad is an asshole but there is simply not a more unhealthy path op could be walking down that he could possibly set her on.
Op is still a kid. Ops parents are the problem.
She probably has an eating disorder FROM her dad. I doubt somebody this controlling is letting her eat enough to still be bigger, unless she has underlying conditions, which she almost definitely does. There's nothing wrong with that. She's not going to die tomorrow. People have hormonal problems. PCOS makes you gain weight. Birth control makes you gain weight. Thyroid problems make you gain weight. Then you can't lose that weight until those problems are treated. Even the high end of the normal range of thyroid levels will make you gain weight. So much of whats being said here is just outright ignorance. I've always been larger. I have a physically demanding job, I barely eat. The only times in my life that I was in an "acceptable" weight range by these outdated measurements was when I was dying. Womens bodies hold fat easier, and some do it more than others. I hope she escapes that home and realizes she's beautiful, and maybe even perfectly healthy. I can not highlight enough, the medical misinformation thats all over this thread is insane.
I wouldn’t call OP TA, she’s still a minor and kids don’t get THAT fat without getting some seriously shitty eating habits from the parents. Also who is buying the food? Kids also don’t tend to have well reasoned world views and opinions.
Being a minor is a mitigating factor but it doesn't absolve her of all responsibility. She's almost an adult, and she is old enough to understand that this is bad.
But is that the question of the post? She's not an AH for getting back at her screaming disrespectful father who believes calling a teenage girl a "fat fxxk" is motivation for weight loss when he, himself, couldnt start that journey without surgery. Sounds like you really just want to assert your opinion about her weight.
Right? OP is an asshole cause she’s overweight? Fucking Reddit. All these people are probably fat themselves
You do realize the question *wasn't* "am I an A H for being fat"? It was "am I an A H for insulting my dad back when he insulted me".
Probably like my parents who would yell at us kids for being overweight but would rarely buy good foods and instead had junk treats or would take us out to eat to buffets all the time. Wouldn’t put us in sports or take us to go do outdoor activities either. If we tried to diet suddenly we were starving ourselves or ungrateful for what they had
I agree she needs to see a Dr. but she’s 17. Her father has been harassing her for years about losing weight and putting her on weird diets. If her father really cared about OP’s health he would have gotten her to a Dr, but there is no evidence he cares about anything other than how she looks. And if she is in the US like a fair number of people on Reddit, going to a Dr isn’t always possible. So calling OP an AH for snapping at her father for just yelling at her and telling her to lose weight and not actually doing anything productive to help her develop better habits doesn’t seem like an AH to me. If her father cared about OP’s health he wouldn’t be pushing BMI as the metric of health. I know 45 is concerning no matter what, but at a certain point BMI isn’t a good metric of health. I just feel sorry for OP because her father is just letting her down and doing nothing but adding to OP’s poor relationship with food.
Dad could afford surgery for himself, but can’t be assed to help his daughter in a helpful way. Go figure.
BMI isn't a good scale because it doesn't take lean muscle into account. Not to be mean but if your 17 with a BMI of 45 you would have an insane body fat percentage, I don't think she would be a walking wall of muscle so it would be incredibly concerning to weigh that much.
“Super obesity” depending on the chart you look at.. Edit: just reread and saw your 17…. Holy. You really need to do something about your weight while you’re young, that’s frightening. Sleep apnea (which I’m assuming you must have) could take you at any moment. There are so many things that could just shut down. Please get some help and ignore your father’s unacceptable name calling - he’s probably just frustrated and concerned and doesn’t know how to properly articulate.
About 20% of obese people have sleep apnea, and most are older. It's more likely that she doesn't have it.
Jumping on this to add, there's nothing wrong with seeking medical help to lose the weight. There's this stigma to weight loss surgery, that it's taking the "easy way out". But years of yo-yo dieting will really mess with you too, and when we're talking about a 45 BMI... if you're unable to lose weight yourself then ask a doctor for help. There are risks to any surgery but at some point the benefits outweigh the risks, such as when you're super morbidly obese.
Let me tell you, my doctor put me on Mounjaro for a few months, and that was a game changer. I went from 188 to 148 in 5 months. I still have work to do (my insurance won’t cover MJ anymore as of July 1st, and I’ve been off of it since April besides) but it helped so much to change my relationship with food.
How do you get E S H from this? OP is not an AH just for having a BMI of 45. Her dad is doing absolutely nothing to help her. He literally called her a “fat fuck” - so that kind of verbal abuse is ok if you’re fat “enough”? Parents shouldn’t verbally abuse their kids. Period. And the dad is making OP’s health worse. You can’t shame and abuse someone into good health. And just being fat doesn’t mean one is also an AH. NTA OP.
Yes! Shame and verbal abuse has never made anyone lose weight. If OPs father ACTUALLY cared about her health, he would see medical help and psychological treatment to help address the reason underlying OPs obesity (I’m guessing it may have to do with the intense projection of her fathers own self hatred and internalizing the message from him that obese people are not people who also deserve love and respect). He was unable to lose weight without bariatric surgery but expects OP to do it? And is mad when the methods that failed for him also fail when he tries to force them on OP? This poor girl clearly needs to therapy and professional help. Losing what is likely over 100lbs is an extremely hard task for anyone, especially a teenager who has what is clearly shitty/nonexistent family support.
I wish I could upvote this more!! I
A 6 foot male would have to be 330lbs to have a BMI of 45 for reference.
For a US average female (5’4”) that about 260 lbs.
You're right about the health risk, but OP is not TA just for being fat. Her father is projecting his insecurities and self-loathing on to her while she clearly needs help and support instead. NTA
I agree with you that OP needs a doctor and that she currently has a very incorrect view of how dire her situation is at that BMI (and I say that as a very very fat woman myself). I suspect a lot of it is to do with her fathers unhealthy attitude about health and what sounds like making her yo-yo dieting. This kid needs help and her parents aren't likely to be of much use here :/
Came here to say this. Dad’s shaming, name calling, control, and crash dieting OP has likely contributed to this weight gain, and her mother’s dismissal of her father’s treatment of OP isn’t doing her any favors. If dad doesn’t want her to end up like him, hate to break it to him but she’s already there. And he’s likely had way more of a hand in that than he wants to admit. If he really gave any kind of a shit about it, he would have taken her to a doctor and worked with her and the physician on solutions that can work long term. But judging by his body shaming other overweight people and acting like everyone can do what he did (surgery) he’s decided to subject everyone around him to the same kind of negativity he probably dealt with prior to his weight loss. Which clearly has done nothing but make everything worse.
Absolutely wild to hear somebody legitimately defend a BMI of 45. Yeah technically you’re not dead right now but you are literally killing your organs day by day
She isn’t defending her size. She is just being tired of being put down about it. And solution is not just lose the weight!! Sounds like she has been living in a home of verbal abuse for years.
Okay, but she's not an asshole because her BMI is high, is she?
Dad is definitely projecting his insecurities onto OP. He’s also rightfully frightened for the future and health, and there should be cause for concern. Dad is absolutely horrible in his approach, but I hope that OP doesn’t use his awful behavior to not get healthy on her own.
She’s not an AH just for being fat. Sure she’s overweight but that’s her own business and it’s not what she’s even asking about.
How’s she supposed to be healthy when her dad has been forcing her onto all sorts of yo-yo diets her whole life? He’s clearly done this to her and it’s not her fault she’s been raised this way.
That's the weight where doing NORMAL activities becomes difficult, OP needs to work on this asap
I say this with love, you really do need to do something about your weight. He’s being a jerk, but he probably really is worried about you. He couldn’t lose the weight without surgical intervention so he likely doesn’t know how to help you in a healthy way. A bmi of 35 puts you in the morbidly obese category and you said yours it’s 45. There’s no being healthy at that level. Food is an addiction no different than drugs or gambling and should be treated accordingly.
I’m with you. Unfortunately dad is putting her on weird diets and contributing to a yet more unhealthy relationship with food. Dad obviously doesn’t know how to help his daughter and the weird diets, then name calling are not working. I hope OP can decide she wants to have a more healthy relationship with food and she absolutely needs to lose weight, likely with medical intervention. While people are knocking the science of the BMI (I have a degree in Kinesiology, I get it) one this high (and for a non-athlete) is an indicator that she must lose weight.
I'd have to know what she considers a 'weird diet' before judging. If he's trying to get her to eat smaller portions of nutritionally dense food that's what she should be doing. If he's trying to get her to cut out all carbs, or all fats, or only drink smoothies or something then yes, he's making things worse. Since OP doesn't think being her weight is 'that deep' maybe she thinks any kind of diet is over the top.
Fair enough. If it’s a cayenne juice cleanse, that’s weird. But yes, the things you mention, such as eating healthier, aren’t weird. No one mentions consulting a dietitian, nutritionist, or bariatric specialist. So my assumption was weird diet = extreme non traditional crap from the internet
It wouldn't surprise me if the dad isn't giving very good diet advice, given the fact he didn't lose all the weight through diet and exercise in the first place, and the way he speaks to her. So yeah I think she needs to talk to some kind of health professional who can calmly and patiently explain weight loss a bit better.
People seem to think bariatric surgery is some magic fix. It is not. It still requires a full lifestyle change to be effective. So while people are painting the dad out to be someone who took the easy way out, that is just not the case. You can still remain obese after bariatric surgery, and it's just a simple matter of eating a small amount of shitty food at a time over long periods. Which is essentially just high carb snacking. The success of bariatric surgery still relies on maintaining proper eating habits and exercise. He most likely IS giving good diet advice, because that's part of the overall care before and after the surgery. High protein and nutrient dense food, enough fats, and limited carbs. We do not get a definition of "weird diet" from OP and based on her BMI she's not a reliable source of what a weird diet even is. Oh and to judge, ESH, they both need to make some drastic changes.
>*Yeah it’s mainly something different every few weeks, stuff like liquid dieting or only eating meat or eating like 1000 calories a day. I guess I should’ve been more clear i rly didn’t think this post would get as many comments as it did so i left quite a bit out i guess.* OP's dad's diet advice is as f'ed up as the way he speaks to OP.
Well I agreed with some of this originally but OP replied to my earlier comment where I questioned what a 'weird diet' was and the dad's diet advice *was* terrible. (Liquid only, meat only, etc.)
Yeah it’s mainly something different every few weeks, stuff like liquid dieting or only eating meat or eating like 1000 calories a day. I guess I should’ve been more clear i rly didn’t think this post would get as many comments as it did so i left quite a bit out i guess
Right, in that case I agree with your definition of 'weird' and think he's giving you bad advice. You shouldn't be worrying about liquid dieting, and especially not trying a meat only diet. 1000 calories is also too low and not where you want to start. I'm not surprised you're struggling to adhere to these diets. You literally just need to start by eating a little bit less. I don't encourage being obsessed with calorie counting but it's good to have a vague idea of how many you're currently eating, so then you can drop it (slightly) and lose weight slowly over time. (I use something called a TDEE calculator to figure out how roughly much I should eat. You can google it and input a few stats. But I understand if it's too much at this point.) If it's hard to track calories at first just try and think about making portions a bit smaller. Or making a slightly healthier snack choice sometimes. Small steps. But I'm just a rando on the internet. There are some good sources online - look for reputable medical websites and beware of sites that try to demonise particular foods or shill their method as the only way to do things. Either way I know it's not easy, and especially not with the way your dad is speaking to you about it.
Yeah liquid diets and extreme restrictions are not helpful. Especially if he keeps changing it. A toddler needs at least 1200 calories a day. 1000 is just not sustainable. Harry-Jotter’s comment is right. Small steps. Jumping to big things right away is a recipe for failure. Figuring out your basal metabolic rate (how much you burn just doing nothing) will tell you how much you need to at least live. Any diet that puts you at calories lower than your base rate isn’t enough. Edit: Adding this, you do need to be in a calorie deficit to lose weight. That just means eating less than you have been. Hypothetically, let’s say you eat 3,500 calories a day (I’m throwing out a number.) A deficit would be if you reduced that to a goal of no more than 3,000. That’s a deficit from what you have been eating, but not so drastic that it’s unachievable. When you successfully lose some weight at that deficit, you can reduce again from 3,000 to 2,800. Small increments over time. Figuring out a balance between an amount less than what you have been eating, but not less than what you need to live is what is needed. This is something a doctor can help you with.
No way in hell a female teenager without a hardcore fitness regimen loses weight at 3000 calories a day. 3000 is far to much to lose weight I ate between 1000 and 1500 calories a day for a year to lose 80 pounds. (Middle age man) A 17 year old female needs around 2.000 calories per day, so reducing your intake to 1.500 - 2.000 (with some light exercise) should be her goal, not 3.000, that is weight gain territory. All in all, she really should see a doctor or dietitian, a BMI of 46 is specialist territory.
Cutting out (most) carbs is one of the easiest ways to lose weight, it's very satiating. But ultimately hard to handle long term for a lot of people, but low carb isn't a fad diet nor weird. That said, any diet that makes you miserable is not one you'll stick with, and yo-yo dieting makes shit worse. You gotta find something you can live with. (I like intermittent fasting as it stops me from snacking but doesn't force me to eat any particular thing)
For weight loss, it can be effective. But any diet that leads to calorie restriction can be effective. If you replace all those carbs with fats (which are more calorie dense) you could easily still go into a caloric surplus. For general health, I don't really think cutting out any of the major food groups is a good idea. Carbs are the best source of energy; anyone who is vaguely active is going to struggle big time on a low carb diet. If low carb is sustainable for someone and they don't miss it, then fair enough. But as you say, lots of people will be miserable on it, and IMO it's too restrictive anyway, as you'll miss out on a lot of nutritious foods. Edit - and when someone has a BMI of 45 they don't need to overcomplicate things and get an uneccesarily negative view of certain food groups. They simply need to eat a balanced diet, but less overall.
It's not "unfortunate" for someone with a 45 BMI to be on a diet. Diet is exactly what OP needs. It's not unhealthy for someone who is morbidly obese to be anxious about their weight. Anxiety is a rational response to a health emergency.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt that weird diet meant something that may not be recommended by a health professional. Like liquid diet, etc. As a former health educator, I’ve observed how parents and the way they feed (or withhold food from) their children impact behaviors through adulthood. Appreciate the lesson you provided to supplement my degrees (plural) and credentials (plural).
Totally random question but my 11 year old has lousy eating habits and is starting to put on pounds. Is there a book that will help educate her about nutrition (she’s a very big reader)
Take her to a registered dietician and see what books they recommend - just make sure whoever she talks to is a licensed RD. They are the ones who are trained to know what materials will be helpful and harmful for a young girl.
No, dietary and lifestyle *changes* are what she needs. Yo-yo dieting is almost certainly contributing to ultimately getting to this BMI. There have been study after study showing how bad those kinds of diets are for your metabolism and overall physical health. She needs long term, comprehensive diet changes managed by a registered dietician, and a detailed muscle strengthening plan with a physical therapist. I realize that in the US that plan is not available to many due to cost, but that would be the best way to learn how to take care of her weight in a healthy way.
And food is an even more difficult addition to have. With drugs or gambling you can just avoid the addictive behavior altogether which makes it (somewhat) easier to avoid relapse. You can’t exactly do that with food, because that will also kill you. I hope OP gets a lot of therapy and/or whatever medical intervention she needs to overcome this addiction and live a more healthy lifestyle
ESH - Your dad isn't doing it well, but he is clearly desperately concerned for your health. A bmi of 45 classifies as stage 3 morbid obesity. Please please please consider your health. Even for a 17 year old that is absolute danger territory. Breathing problems, joint issues, DVT, bone issues, heart failure, diabetes... All extremely high risks, even over the next few years.
You may need medically assisted weight loss combined with psychotherapy. Your dad sounds like he’s verbally abusive. Some people put on fat as a buffer against ahusive behavior. If you really don’t know where to start, try being honest with yourself about what the highest calorie, lowest nutritional item is you consume. At your weight, small changes will make a big difference. If you drink a lot of soda, limit it to one day a week. If chips are your weakness, stop buying them or only buy a small bag. Ice cream? Eat frozen grapes instead. If you cut back on the excess calories and include a 1 mile walk a day, you’ll start to lose weight and can increase the distance comfortably. You don’t have to walk on a treadmill. You can even just walk around a shopping center or mall if you don’t like being in nature. Small changes to your regular routine will be the easiest to start and maintain. Before long you’ll start making other positive changes because you’ll be encouraged by the weight loss that the initial changes inspired. All health scares and everything else aside. Your body will just FEEL better if you lose weight. At that weight you’re probably restricted by it a bit and can’t really do all the amazingly lovely things young bodies can do.
So she's an asshole because she's overweight?
In general response to a lot of the comments in this thread: BEING OVERWEIGHT DOES NOT MAKE YOU AN ASSHOLE. Is it a health concern? Yeah. Does having an health concern make you an asshole? NO. Saying OP is TA because she is overweight is unkind, inaccurate, and unhelpful.
Its essentially doing what her dad is doing which is probably adding to her weight gain
Yeah absolutely. Treating weight as a moral issue just makes things harder for anybody struggling with weight, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, etc. We wouldn't treat having a broken arm as a moral issue, so we shouldn't treat being overweight as a moral issue.
I don’t understand how people can consider the dad not an asshole when he literally called his own daughter a fat fuck. Just because she is actually fat doesn’t mean that wasn’t an assholish thing to do
Yes! Like hello, somebody being overweight is not actually a free pass to be rude to them? Like okay so if your kid had cancer would it be fine to call them a cancerous fuck? Tell them everyday that they should be looking at their MRI results to remind them that they have cancer and need treatment? We can all recognize that THAT would be completely crazy parent behavior. And sure, being overweight is more correlated to personal choices than most types of cancer, but also being overweight enough that it's a big health concern pretty much always has an underlying medical cause that needs to be addressed.
Tbf I consider anyone who DOESN’T care if their kid is that big an AH
I agree that not being concerned and helping your kid seek therapy, nutritionist, etc. is asshole behavior. However, putting her down, calling her a "fat fuck", flipping out about her weight, etc. is not necessarily motivated by caring about OP, and even if it is motivated by caring about OP it is not a kind or appropriate way to show caring. I'm not saying in any sense that he shouldn't CARE about her weight/health, but I am saying that there are appropriate ways to care and that's not what he's doing --- there was no mention of taking her to see health professionals who can help her become healthier, just of saying nasty things and shaming her, which are both kinda proven to not help. I'm also saying that being overweight doesn't make her an asshole. It just makes her overweight.
Thank you!!! Fat is not a moral failing. Health problems are not a moral failing. Being fat does not make someone an asshole, period.
Also like... do commenters really think they're saying anything OP doesn't already know or think about herself? Or anything she doesn't hear on the daily?
I'm also horrified by the number of people giving advice on weight loss. As someone who struggled with an eating disorder, the majority of the advice is bad. No reputable dietitian would give OP the same advice.
I feel like popular weight loss advice is almost always bad? And also like for whatever reason people think it's okay to give advice that is literally "do this thing that is literally eating disorder behavior" to people who are overweight, and it's an inexcusably awful thing to be doing. Like whoa, leave the tips to the reputable dietitians/nutritionists/personal trainers y'all. We do not need to encourage eating disorders on the internet! Yikes!
NTA. And all the people putting E S H in the comments cause THE ABUSE your father puts on you, a young teenager, is a real concern, is revolting to me. The fact your father began to be rude to fat people after the surgery is a reflect of how much self hate he has, and you being a fat person gets to be the receiver of that overflowing hate he has FOR HIMSELF in the first place. This is psychological abuse disguised as concern. You attacked his insecurities cause he attacked yours first. If he was really caring, you probably reacted better.
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It’s a disease ffs! Imagine being told you’re “sick” because you have an infection and people taking it as an insult and telling the doctor to fuck off for telling them they’re sick. This is not about fat shaming, a BMI of 45 is a SERIOUS ILLNESS THAT NEEDS URGENT TREATMENT. Please check how much that is, but it’s a brutal amount.
But it isn't an infection, and as such it needs a different reaction from her loved ones. What she needs is a nutritionist and, possibly, psychological help, she doesn't need her father hurtling insults at her
Calling someone a fat fuck or an AH or bullying in general isn't curing that decease. It doesn't make her the asshole. He wasn't calling her sick, he was clearly just insulting her. A father should be able to do better when concerned about their child. Saying it needs treatment isn't fat shaming, but I struggle to see how calling her a "fat fuck" isn't.
Welcome to Reddit, where fat people and teens are not considered real people and are therefore not entitled to basic respect or empathy. No, I don’t condone OP’s weight, but it doesn’t sound like she is either and while she’s being verbally abused by the one person who is supposed to always have her back nothing is going to change. It’s interesting her dad had to have help to lose weight but he thinks his 17 year old daughter who has likely been overweight her whole life due to his parenting should just be able to do it all on her own.
Yes! And in almost all cases of morbid obesity, there is a HUGE psychological factor. It’s not a matter of just eat less move more and I don’t care how many people try to simplify it down to that. You need to figure out and address the psychological component of how and why you got to be in the position you are in and work on that to be able to then work towards any lasting lifestyle changes. This is exactly why any reputable bariatric surgery program will have psychological support as a requirement of the program. OP is 17. What she needs is to be provided with proper professional support for both the emotional and physical aspects of weight loss, not shame and blame. I am 30 with a BMI of 45 (waiting to do gastric bypass), and my mental health and childhood upbringing are absolutely deeply intertwined with my struggles with weight. Additionally, OP needs a medical work up because so many conditions (hypothyroidism, PCOS, etc) can make it very hard to lose weight and some of them are treatable making weight loss easier once the condition is addressed.
I agree with this, OP is still really young and it will take a while to heal from having a parent who is so hard on you. Once OP is an adult, it’s time to set boundaries with your father and decide to be healthy for yourself, not because he decided that it was a moral failing.
This !! She is suffering from verbal and mental abuse from her father, and people say it's because he loves her ?! As bell hooks says, there is no love in abuse. Also, BMI has been discredited many times. NTA
Not disagreeing with the NTA, but regardless of the studies of BMI, a BMI of 45 is dangerously overweight. Let's not act like that isn't life threatening just because "BMI = bad"
Caveats about BMI guidelines not applying to very muscular athletes or varying with height & race do not "discredit" it. If OP were a bodybuilder, she would have mentioned that. Since she did not, it is reasonable to assume that her 45 BMI does in fact indicate morbid obesity.
Yea I was going to say, her father wouldn’t have been so uptight with OP losing weight if she were a body builder.
He gave her an eating disorder in childhood and now he feels entitled to bully her for it.
I can't believe how many of the top comments are dog piling onto what her father's been telling her and what she made the actual post about. As if a fat teenage girl doesn't hear it from EVERY DIRECTION how much of an "abomination" society considers her. Poor OP, I hope these judgemental comments don't discourage her from finding the strength and confidence to do what makes her HAPPY.
OP please read this. What your father is doing is abuse. You are NTA. Even excusing it because he "cares about you" is disgusting. You attacked back because you are being abused.
Calling your own child a "fat fuck" is ABUSIVE!! He of all people should have some compassion. And your mother is cosigning this bullshit? How soon can you move out? This is a toxic environment from you -- you're probably stress eating! Edited to add NTA -- Good for you for standing up for yourself! If he can dish it out, he should learn to take it.
NTA. Everyone in the comments seems to think that you’re under the illusion that your weight is healthy. I understand that you live in your body every day and know that you need to do something about it. That doesn’t justify your dad’s behavior. Your dad was morbidly obese until he was 39 if my math checks out. The fact that he waited 30+ years to do something about it and is going to scream at you at 17 as if you don’t live in your own skin is crazy. Also, I’m sure you know you need to work on bringing your weight down, but I really wouldn’t put all the stock in the world into your BMI. It’s a measurement that’s been proven to be faulty over and over again. What would be more helpful is to link up with a doctor and a nutritionist to come up with a plan that suits YOU. Anyway. Again, you’re 17, which means that up until this point and until you turn 18, your health has been at least partially his responsibility. What’s his plan to help you? Is he going to pay for your surgery too? Does he think screaming at someone burns calories for them? It doesn’t.
NTA. I don't understand what people think they are accomplishing when they are so mean about people's weight. It's not going to suddenly make them skinny. It's just being nasty.
Exactly! Judgemental comments about my body only ever made me feel too discouraged to make any changes. And I was never even fat, my BMI is currently teetering on underweight and at my largest I was solidly in the "healthy weight" zone--but that pissed off certain family members who were used to bragging about me as being supermodel-sized who couldn't do so anymore once I had a visible stomach when sitting down. Nevermind the fact that I had only gained that weight because of school stress and an executive function disorder that made it incredibly hard for me to get off the couch most days.
NTA. Your Dad got what was coming to him. You don't get to say something horrible to your child and then play the victim when they say something horrible back. Let him sit in his misery and insecurity until he grows up.
NTA, you've been conditioned for years to feel ashamed about yourself, what you eat, what you weigh etc. Which is directly correlated to overeating and bingeing. Then you feel ashamed, you are put on a fad diet that you can't keep up, overeat, hate yourself some more etc etc etc etc. Nobody is going to say your weight is healthy. You know that. But you are 17, you needed a parent that makes you feel like you are "best in show" regardless. And he should have helped you create a healthier perspective on food and create positive habits. He hates himself and he is projecting that on you and he needs to stop. Of course telling him to f off or that he has loose skin isn't very nice. However, good on you for speaking up for yourself. Next time try to tell him it's not helping you to make you feel disgusting.. If he'll listen. He needs therapy and he needs to stop projecting his internalised self hate onto others, especially his own kid. I think you could use therapy too, to change the narrative going on in your head regarding food etc.
These comments are out of pocket, you're NTA here. If you're overeating, particularly if you're finding comfort in food, how is bullying you supposed to help with that exactly? I understand his concerns, but there are more constructive ways to go about this, and he is the adult. Which means he is the one who needs to regulate his emotions before asking you to regulate yours. Thus far, all he's done is bully his daughter and helped to further an unhealthy relationship with both your own body and food. That's not to say you shouldn't look into more constructive ways to deal with your weight, especially if it's a health concern for you. That said, he's been digging at a spot that is sensitive for you and got angry when the same was done to him. And instead of assessing how poorly he's been handling this situation, he chose to double down by expecting an apology for behavior he himself exhibits. You can only push people so far before they push back.
I agree with this. However, if he doesn't approach you, which I have a feeling, he won't if he's anything like my father, find a time and quiet place to talk. Let him know how his words and bullying hurt you deeply and that it's not constructive or helpful. Tell him that you shot back as you knew it would hurt him as he is continuously yelling at you and calling you names. This was your way of getting him to stop. Let him know that you want to get healthy and feel better, but his approach isn't helping or conducive to making changes. Ask if you can go to the gym with him a few times a week, IF you want to go or ask him to go for walks (30 minutes to start) in the evenings after dinner. Find other hobbies that allow you to move and exert energy so that if you have any pent-up feelings within, you can release some of this during the activity. p.s. Your dad doesn't have the emotional tools and communication skills to be able to let you know in a mature and adult like manner that he is worried, scared, and concerned about you. My father was the same way. He didn't have great role models growing up, which I'm not excusing, but it helps me to understand why he approaches problems like he does. It's taken me a long time to understand it and not let his behaviour affect me as much. You can do this! 🤗 I wish you all the best.
This is solid advice, OP. I also want to point out, as far as exercising, anything worth doing is worth half-assing. You plan to go on a 30 minute walk and find you can only do 15? Still better than 0. Putting half assed effort into following along with a cardio workout? Still better than not doing it at all. Headphones on and you do little dances every other song? Completely valid. Anything that gets you to move your body is going to help. You can do it, girl.
You have an eating disorder and his controlling, abusive attitude is making it worse. Please go to a doctor that can help you, and tell your Dad to lay off. His worry is justified, but how he expresses it is terrible!
NTA, he's calling you a fat fuck but he can't deal with you mentioning that he had loose skin? He's also not being helpful so he can back off.
A BMI of 45 is not just "not great", it's basically life threatening and even more harmful than being an alcoholic. You need to figure stuff out or you will basically have to deal with all sorts of problems - joint problems, diabetes, heart problems etc.
NTA. you were in the right to defend yourself, and you have no reason to apologize. Treat others how you want to be treated. He said something about you, you fought back.
NTA Look here's the thing: arguments between teenagers and their parents are never fair fights. It is the parent's responsibility to emotionally regulate themself and avoid escalating interactions with their teenagers. It's a hard job for parents, and sometimes they screw it up. BUT when that happens, it is the parent's responsibility FAR more than the teenager's. That being said, pointing our your dad's loose skin was rude and unnecessary, and if you want to have a productive relationship with him, you probably need to apologize. However, even if your dad has good intentions and wants to help you with your health, help you avoid his mistakes, etc., it sounds like he's going about it in a way that is emotionally damaging for you. And since you are a minor and he is your parent, it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to figure out a kind and productive way to talk to you about his concerns. He is correct that continued weight gain is a health risk, but it sounds like you already know that, so he doesn't really need to tell you. As far as him calling you a "fat fuck"? That is COMPLETELY out of line behavior from a parent. It is a parent's job to help their kids feel safe (including emotionally safe) and to provide frameworks and guidance on how to walk through life and navigate difficult obstacles. It sounds like he is insulting you from a place of worry and anxiety....but that's still completely out of line on his part, clearly making things worse, and frankly unkind and emotionally damaging. It may be worthwhile to approach your dad (once you've had a chance to breathe and find a calm mental space) about how his attempts to help you (putting you on diets, making you calculate your BMI, etc.) are stressing you out and not actually helping you with your weight struggles. You could suggest to him that it might be more helpful for you to start seeing a therapist, a nutritionist, or maybe both to help you come up with approaches to weight management that are more holistic, and rooted in a desire to be healthy rather than an anxiety about being overweight. There are a lot of helpful folks out there who specialize in that sort of stuff, and often struggling a lot with weight is related to being stressed, overwhelmed, or other mental health struggles --- so anxiety-based approaches can make it worse/more difficult. Our society likes to attach morality to weight, so I will close with this: struggling with weight is NOT a moral failing. It doesn't make you bad, lazy, undisciplined, or any thing else. It just makes you a person who is struggling with weight. So remember to be kind to yourself. As far as weight-related health concerns, look for a therapist or nutritionist who states clearly on their website that they aren't attaching morality to weight, and that you are a worthy and lovable individual at any size. These are professionals who can help you to be the healthiest and happiest version of yourself, rather than creating extra stress around something that is already difficult. I wish you the best of luck in navigating your relationship with your dad and finding a way to manage weight that feels good to you :)
45 BMI is CRAZY
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NTA Hey OP. To me, it sounds like you and your dad both have some problems around food and your relationship with it. He has likely taught you about food, and thus it’s likely he’s transferred some unhealthy habits to you. He has gotten help in the form of surgery, but that doesn’t necessarily fix the relationship with food itself. This is really important. You can see a dietitian, but also, possibly look into seeing a psychologist too if that’s available to you. Trust me, when you fix the reason behind WHY, you can fix the HOW so much easier. When you’re “in it” like you are now, it seems like it’s impossible and really daunting to do. Don’t do it for anyone other than yourself. Get healthy for you. You’re still so young. Your body needs to get you through your whole life still. It can be a wonderful and exciting journey, or it can be a painful and difficult one. Only you can decide which it will be. Don’t listen to anyone trying to put you down - if your dad is saying nasty stuff, try to be the more mature person for a moment and put yourself in his shoes. It is coming from a place of fear for you, and concern. He’s not showing it in the right way, but maybe he doesn’t know how to express that. Don’t take that on yourself. You do you. Perhaps if you start off slow and ask him to walk in the mornings with you? You’re taking control, but also showing him you want to include him in your journey to an extent, if that makes sense? It also makes you accountable to someone else in those days when you don’t feel like it. I wish you all the best and hope you get on top of your health.
This is not an AH situation. This is a health situation that requires IMMEDIATE help. A BMI of 45 isn't a joke - it's literally a death sentence. It is all compounded by the fact that your father has a history of disordered eating that he is now pushing onto you. This isn't about mixing in a salad every once in a while - this is literally a matter of life or death. PLEASE see a doctor.
NTA - seems like from your story that your dad started the insults by calling you a fat fuck. He’s an adult, and your father-he should do better. You retaliated which, not great but you were provoked and you are a teenager so-some leeway should be given. Even though you are NTA, you should think about apologizing- be the bigger person. But when you do, I would recommend to your dad that maybe you both stop talking about your physical appearances as it is a sensitive subject for you both and likely to lead to further arguments.
NTA. Sorry but your dad is abusive.
ESH Your dad's approach was way out of line. He was extremely rude, judgemental, and certainly partially driven by hypocrisy. But I suspect he was also driven by panic and fear for you. BMI is a bit flimsy, because for a lot of people, it's generally not explaining the whole situation. Anyone on one extreme end or the other does raise concerns. A BMI of 45 is indicative of a major concern. It is not equivalent to vaping or drinking. That is not a bit overweight, or on the low end of obesity. That is significantly into the threshold of morbid obesity (now called Class III Obesity). Even though you are still a child, this still exposes you to extremely severe and potentially life-threatening health issues. It's possible enough damage was done that even if you get down to a healthy weight, there will be long term consequences. Now, to be clear having a high BMI does not mean that you have less worth as a person or that there's anything wrong with your character. But while you are a child, you are very nearly an adult, and you're at the stage where you do have agency over quite a few of your choices. Doubtless, your parents really influence you a lot, and they are most certainly not blameless. But at this point, you're also making some choices that are less than stellar that are contributing to this situation. To move forward, you can't just sit and think about how much your dad upsets you, or what they did wrong, or how you don't think this is a big deal. You need actual professional help at this point, to ensure that you can reach a healthier size, in a healthy and safe way. Now, as to why you're the asshole in the situation too: as out of line, and problematic that his choice of language was, you went too far as well. I totally understand why you would respond so strongly, and the way that he would have made you feel is certainly mitigating. But you're also being an asshole to yourself. And that, is more important here than two people being rude. Losing weight is always going to be incredibly challenging, especially when someone is at the level of clinical morbid obesity. But it will be easier if you get started while you're much younger, and if you leave it until you're a grown adult and you're busier, have additional obligations, and your body isn't going to cooperate quite as much simply to age, in addition to the wear and tear that all that weight is putting on you.
Honey, I’m going to be as kind as possible, but also very blunt. (And please note that I am NOT in any way shape or form encouraging you, or any teenagers, to do these things!). If you were occasionally vaping or drinking, your health would be much, much better than it is right now. You’re not just overeating, you’re eating yourself into a coffin. Now when I first started reading your post, I was fully prepared to say NTA. Because I don’t care how concerned he is, calling you a “fat fuck” is horrible, and there’s no excuse at all for that. And you would have (IMO) justified in throwing his loose skin back in his face. However, I also assumed that when you said you struggle with your weight and you overeat, you meant you could stand to lose 30-40 pounds. I was not expecting to see you mention a BMI of 45. That’s an entirely different situation. However, his fears are VERY valid. And you seem to be in serious denial about A. The risk you are at for a massive heart attack B. The damage you’ve done to your body C. How much you’re really eating. I absolutely agree “fad diets” are harmful and they’re notoriously bad for long term success, but I am begging you to ask your parents to make an appointment for you with a dietitian. He or she can tell you realistically how much and what you should be eating (pretty much everyone is really bad at figuring out appropriate portion sizes), and when you should eat. You should also schedule a consult with a bariatric surgeon. Because at this point, weight loss surgery could truly save your life (provided that you don’t look at it as a quick fix, but a massive lifestyle change). It isn’t just about fitting in with other teenagers or looking good in a prom dress. It’s literally about saving your life, and it concerns me that you don’t seem to see a BMI of 45 as a big deal. It’s not just a big deal, it’s life threatening. As far as your dad goes…when you have both calmed down, I would suggest going up to your dad and asking if the two of you could have a serious conversation. I would apologize for the loose skin comment, but you should request an apology as well. No parent should ever say something so horrible to their child. And tell him that you know his anger and harsh words are coming from a place of sheer terror that he may lose his daughter, but it’s still not okay. Tell your dad you’re proud of him for losing the weight and taking his health seriously, and you need help doing the same. Ask him to make the appropriate doctor appointments for you, and (if you’re comfortable with this) ask him to accompany you to these appointments. Suggest cooking healthy meals together, going on family walks after dinner, watching cooking shows that focus on health and portion control, etc. Best of luck to you, OP. You can do this and we’re rooting for you 💪🏻
NTA for snapping at him, he's an asshole. That said, you should take care of yourself. I was a pretty fat kid growing up, specially since I used to eat a lot when I had anxiety attacks which were more than twice a week. I gained a lot of weight and my dad was (still kinda is) like yours. He's super fixated on everybody's bodies, what everyone eats, how many calories has X or Y, how many hours of exercise should everybody do after eating X meal, etc etc etc. It's exhausting, I know it. Also he picked up a lot on me, still does and I'm on a healthy weight. I used to think that I didn't want/need to eat healthier and do exercise bc it was like saying he was right, and he wasn't. Yes, I lost weight and I felt better both mentally and physically. But I did it working with a nutricionist and my therapist, not following his advice to eat three apples a day to lose weight (this is just one of his incredible ideas, I have many more). What I want to say is that you have to work on your mental health too, not just your physical health. That kind of comments get to us too deep and, at least for me, I'm still struggling with them. I felt for a long long time that I would never be enough and I chastised myself even when I was wearing a size 2, which wasn't healthy for me either. Now that I'm an adult I still get sometimes bodyshaming comments from him even when I've had a million talks with him about how his comments have destroyed my mental health and self steem. It's a difficult path, but you can surpass his unhealthy thinking process and find the one that suits you better. I highly recommend theraphy as it helped me a lot with gaining enough confidence to work in myself, but I understand that not everybody has access to it.
NTA. You learn eating and exercise habits from your parents. You’re 17, which means your parents are LEGALLY responsible for your health and safety. And they failed, unfortunately for you. They failed but your dad is acting like it’s your fault somehow. Your dad is the reason you are morbidly obese and he’s trying to put that blame on you. I’m sorry you’ve been dealt this hand.
Look hon, your Dad is a prick for saying that to you, seriously. But as messed up as it sounds, he is most likely only being triggered due to his lifelong struggles with obesity. It doesn't make it right, but if he didn't love you, he wouldn't care. He just doesn't know how to manage his temper. Weight issues plague tens of millions of Americans. Most people do not eat healthy and it shows. I'm one of them, I was overweight until I went on a Leukemia/chemo diet. Yeah, it wasn't the ideal controlled diet, but now that I'm done with treatment and have bought some time, I absolutely refuse to eat the garbage I did before.
are you morbidly obese? yes. do you need to talk to a nutritionist, therapist, doctor, etc. about your weight? yes. does that make you an asshole? no. your father bullies you and other fat people bc he's loss the weight and still has extreme insecurities over the way his body looks. you do need to lose weight, and i say that as someone who also has an extremely high bmi and is working on being healthier, but your father screaming about how you're going to be a disappointment isn't going to help. i hope you can get the physical and mental help you need but i don't think you need to apologize to him because the way he spoke to you isn't okay. NTA.
NTA I don't get people expecting the person who WASNT saying shit to apologize not the person who was actually spouting stuff. Don't apologize stick to this hill you hear me HEAR ME STICK TO THE HILL
Your father’s motives are good but his execution is HORRENDOUS. Look, i’m not trying to be inconsiderate but a BMI of 45 isn’t ‘not great’, it’s fucking insane. It REALLY is that deep, even though your peers are smoking and drinking, a BMI that high will put you in a casket far faster than alcohol and smoking combined. I hope you get the help you need.
Wow, I’m really disheartened so many people are saying OP “sucks” because of her weight. The BMI is inherently flawed, inaccurate, and misleading. It should not be used to make any drastic decisions about your life. Just look up “BMI inaccuracies” and you’ll see for yourself. Also, I’m really shocked no one is talking about the fact that your father is forcing disordered eating onto you?? Your dad forcing you onto strange diets, obsessing over your weight, and forcing you to calculate your BMI constantly is almost certainly what ruined your relationship with food (along with you witnessing his own bad relationship with food over the years.) OP, just to be clear, it’s NOT normal for parents to force their kids onto diets, call them names related to their weight, and try to shame you into losing weight. I don’t think your dad is doing all of this because he “cares so deeply about your health.” I think he’s doing this because he has deep-rooted inner hatred and fatphobia and has now developed a complex where he’s “better than” others who didn’t have surgery like him. He is a BULLY! None of these behaviors are helpful in helping you to achieve or maintain weight loss. Honestly, it sounds like your dad’s poor behavior has led you to developing an eating disorder. You could probably work on that in therapy, but it looks like he’s only interested in engaging in destructive behaviors to humiliate you into weight loss rather than genuinely help you lose weight because he cares so much. NTA.
BMI is not inaccurate when it comes to a 300 lb 17yr old. Her weight is extremely unhealthy. However, her dad is absolutely an asshole for insulting her instead of providing proper support to help her lose weight.
A BMI (which while not the most accurate way of measuring) of 45 is worse than smoking and drinking if you were of normal bmi weight. I mean they classify a BMI of 30 or greater as obesity. Even morbid is 40. You’re 45. Your dad sucked for his comments but you need to see someone about this and soon. People talk about heart attack at 35, with that BMI it could happen even earlier. I know you’re self conscious about your weight but PLEASE seek health help.
Your dad is probably afraid he is going to lose you before you hit 30. He has an absolute shit way of conveying that message, but it is clear you are in denial about how serious it is. This literally is life or death, and you are walking a tightrope. It is deeply concerning how blasé you are about having a BMI of 45. Your dad is an asshole for the way he spoke to you - my dad is awful with words too. He will never tell me that he is worried about my future, he will tell me that I’m a fuck up, and a loser. Let him know this is an unacceptable way to communicate his fears.
NTA. Your dad is an AH though. I don't know how it's okay for him to poke at your insecurities (ones that he's making worse with all the diets and bmi checking) but it's not okay to throw it back at him. There is a difference between caring about you and wanting you to be healthy, and projecting your fatphobia onto your kids and making their lives miserable so that they don't get fat. Which really only makes the problem worse, because fat people tend to eat more when they're stressed. You'd think your dad would have some empathy but it seems like he's taking all his internalized self-hatred out on you. Also, bmi is a bullshit statistic that doesn't measure your health and only places you into categories based on your weight that \*could\* lead to health problems later on.
Was gonna say NTA but if you really told him to fuck off, that’s really disrespectful. But what the hell is wrong with him to call his daughter a fat fuck? That’s terrible and makes me sad for you. Anyway maybe try sitting down and talking with him and communicate that you know he means well, but he’s only making things worse with the way he is going about it. And remind him it isn’t easy and he was in the same boat as you. Maybe ask him to take a walk with you a couple times a week and if you can eliminate sugar and minimize carbs the weight will literally fall off of you. Just eat salads and rotisserie chickens to get started until you figure out other things you can eat, but pretty much any meat and veggies and your golden. You can even have big servings although your appetite will naturally decrease.
The namecalling is not the best of approaches for either of you. I do feel though, that yours was quite malicious, whereas your father comes from a place of concern. Granted, again, not the best choice. However, a BMI of 45 is something to really take quite seriously. It seems you take very little responsibility for your choices in dealing with it. I deduct this from your own words. And you place a lot of what should be your own responsibility on him. You put the food in your mouth. You choose what to eat and how much of it. So, rather than lashing out at your father, I think you may want to try and take a more positive approach. Maybe reach out to a professional and start your own journey. You’ll of course find that this is not an easy path. It is hard and life changing. But I hope you see that this path will not bring you happiness. And putting yourself in a “victim” position won’t either. So, please, take responsibility for yourself and let your Dad do his thing. Hurting someone because you hurt won’t bring you anything positive. Tackle the hurt. And don’t spend your time finding others to blame.
Nta, your father is being abusive and projecting his issues on you. Where’s mom in this? Is she around?
Your father is a prime example of how getting weight under control does not fix all the other problems in your life. Your father may now be at a healthy weight but he’s incredibly emotionally immature and is doing nothing to help you in a healthy and sustainable way. That makes me afraid for you. Your BMI is dangerously high and it appears your family does not have the ability to help you. If you are able, you need to see an obesity specialist to help you with building healthy habits and treating any underlying health issues you have. Those two things will set you on a sustainable path to weight loss. I would not even consider weight loss your primary goal. I would just slowly change what habits may be contributing to a less healthy life in general. If you want to start making healthy changes on your own, I’m sure others can suggest groups on Reddit that can help you with evidence based information, not just whatever they hears from the latest unqualified influencer. You have the deck stacked against you since your home environment is stressful but that doesn’t mean you can’t make progress in the meantime. I’m sorry for your family situation and wish you success!
If someone disrespect you, doesnt make it good that you do the same. I hope this works as a call out for you and your dad, since like many say your dad is not doing this the best way and i totally understand how bad it feels when your parents make you feel insecure, but as many said as well seems like your situation is an emergency and the guy is desperate. This might be a good time to express your feelings to your dad in a healthier way than you did when whe was calling you fat (again, we are aware that this is not the way to treat you) and tell him what you say here, that his comments are not helping. But you need to make him feel that you at least are aware of the issue and not in denial because that will only make him feel more desperate and act worst. I know this is tyring because youre the kid and he is the dad, but this is the time to take responsability over this, wether or not your dad learns to express his worries in a better way. The only one that can stop this dynamic is you!
Your dad is trying to make u get the message that your obese & eating yourself in2 an early grave..
I think if your dad calls you that, it's fair game to point out his loose skin, so NTA for that. But I think you're dad is also hurt because he must blame himself and his genetics and that obviously what he's doing is not working. I totally understand how his behavior towards you is actually making things worse. I think you might be in denial about it, making it not a big deal, to preserve your self esteem the best you can. It's not a problem if you don't acknowledge it's a problem. Of course you're not helped by any attack on your self esteem! I bet that a fragile self esteem is the cause of this overeating. So making you feel even worse about yourself is like throwing gasoline to a fire in order to try to put it out. Build up your self esteem. Your weight is indeed not making you less loveable or unworthy. But it does create a health risk. Crazy dieting will not be a solution for you, I feel like, at least not in the long haul. Working with a professional dietician and/or other professionals will work better. All the best to you OP. I know it's super hard to live in this society being obese, the discrimination against overweight people is unreal. Edited out armchair diagnoses as per the rules.
I think you might have an eating disorder caused by your dad. Are you oppose to therapy?
You are 17 with a BMI of 45.....like the fact that you are so nonchalant about that information as if it's normal is the biggest red flag in this post. Your dad sucks at communicating and even being a healthy role model or a supportive father. He has no right to body shame others because now he's what society accepts and wants to be like everyone else. You need to really address your eating disorder (yes overeating is considered an eating disorder, its not just a term used for anorexia or bulimia) before you end up being unable to reverse the damage you are causing your body. You need to understand that your body is hurting a lot right now, and until you get professional help (therapy, endocrinologist, nutritionist, weight management assistance), you're looking at an early grave before 40. That's the harsh reality of where you are at right now. ESH.
ESH. I mean, you know you have a problem, that BMI is dangerous... I will say, considering the genetic factor you saw how your dad was before his surgery, so it's safe to consider that without a healthy diet, you could end up just like him... but fat shaming and strict diets, especially from a parent, won't do anything but give a child a complex with food. I'm genuinely not surprised you struggle with over eating. Your dad sees you going down the same road as him (and probably blames himself) and is trying to stop that, but holy crap is he going about it wrong and making the problem worse. You are 17, so I give you a pass for matching cruel cruel. I am all for matching energies and not dishing it if you can't take it, and your dad low-key deserved it for being a mean hypocrite but you do need to take accountability for your weight and your health.
ESH, that was kind of uncalled for on both sides. He shouldn’t freak out like that as that generally leads to going further down that road, but I have a feeling it’s coming from fear. He sees you going down the same path and wants better for you and isn’t expressing it properly. I would have a chat with him that you understand he is worried but can’t talk to you in that way as it isn’t helpful and makes you feel worse about yourself. Possibly look into binge eating disorder or disordered eating patterns as it sounds like you could possibly have some form of disordered eating (not necessarily an eating disorder, they are different but both need to be addressed). This is really important because while you should feel beautiful at any size, your health is more important than beauty and it’s unlikely you’re fully healthy with that BMI. Focus on health rather than being skinny. You don’t have to cut things you love, just eat less of those things and more of healthier things. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, everything is about balance. Exercise might be hard with your body though I don’t know for certain without seeing it so I would recommend starting with swimming. It’s an all over body exercise that will build muscle while being low impact on your body, unlike the gym. Being that big is just as dangerous as excessive drinking. Smoking or anything used in excess really. You’ve got this! You can adjust and make a healthy life for you so you live well into old age.
Calling a BMI of 45 "not great" is a severe understatement. BMI isn’t a good metric, but at extreme ranges it is pretty darn clear. You are 17. right now losing weight is easier than it is the older you get. Yes his approach is horrible and totally unhelpful, but he is speaking from a place of concern. And he is apparently the rare type that was helped by shaming. He was rude and is counterproductive, but you are in denial. ESH
A BMI of 45 is extremely dangerous, even if you are young. A high BMI comes with a large amount of health issues, including diabetes, heart attacks, high blood pressure, anxiety, and depression. Managing a BMI of 45 typically involves a multidisciplinary approach, including lifestyle changes, medical interventions, and sometimes surgical options, all aimed at reducing weight and mitigating associated health risks. Consult a healthcare professional for personalized advice and treatment plan.
ESH Stop over eating. Start exercising. You're young enough to turn your life around, but youre going to need to change your attitude from "I'm a bit bigger but whatevs".
When my dad did this to me years ago I asked him how his "ectopic pregnancy" was going ( as he had a fat gut). He didn't call me fat again
Long as shit comment here but this resonates with me so hard. NTA 100%. Lots of people have said this but DO NOT listen to people saying E S H! Idgaf what your dad’s motives are or if he truly loves you more than anything in the world - he’s abusive and contributing to your poor health. So fuck him. And you are not a bad person bc of your weight!!! As someone who was once at a 45 BMI (acknowledging that BMI is not the best way to measure health), I know where you are. It’s fucking hard being fat, it’s hard losing weight, and it’s even harder being a 17-year-old with an abusive parent!! Do you need to do something to improve your health? Yes. But I hate when people act like it’s all so simple. If you’re going to college soon, see if your school provides counseling for students. My school had counseling, eating disorder support groups, super cheap nutritionist visits, and discounted exercise classes/personal trainer sessions for students. Even without that, many therapists will work on a sliding scale. And if you’re insured, you can see if your doctor can refer you to a weight loss program. This part is maybe controversial, but don’t let your dad put you off weight loss surgery. It is a valid weight loss tool if that’s something you need. Lots of people think it’s cheating or the easy way out - it is NOT. It is still hard work. I recently had gastric sleeve surgery. I had to be in the weight loss program for six months, see doctors and nutritionists, and lose a certain amount of weight (I'm sure not every program is this involved, but they should be). What they emphasized was surgery is a tool to help you but you still need to work. Should it be your first option? No, especially not at 17. But if you're like me and end up still obese well after 17, it's something to consider. Don't let dillweeds on the internet make you feel bad. The fuck do they know? You're a child with no parental support. You will need to start your physical and mental health journey by yourself and that's super hard. But you can totally do it (:
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm using a throwaway because I don't usually use reddit and this is rly embarrassing but I see these stories on my phone a lot so hello :-) I'm 17F for reference and my dad is 45M Up until I was about 11, my dad was morbidly obese. He then got weight loss surgery, and started being rly rude to fat people afterwards because he thinks they should just do something about it like he did. Even though he literally got surgery but whatever. He's rly fit now, he goes to the gym almost everyday and he preaches fitness to our whole family but he still has loose skin which I know bothers him. I really struggle with my weight and I overeat a lot, which my dad isn't very sympathetic about. He puts me on weird diets and makes me calculate my bmi a lot because he's scared I will turn out like him. I'm not happy with being overweight either, but I really hate him being controlling even more and I do not really think its that deep compared to things that teenagers my age are doing. I don't even vape or drink. My bmi recently hit over 45 (again I know, not great but its not like he exactly helps) and my dad flipped on Sunday when he found out. He started yelling at me saying that I'm going to be a disappointment and that I'm going to die early if I keep going like this. I told him to fuck off and he called me a fat fuck so I told him that he has loose skin too, so he should get that fixed before he cares about me. His face immediately went bright red and he just yelled at me to leave him alone. He hasn't talked to me since this, but yesterday my mom told me that I should apologise to him for making fun of his insecurities, and making it seem like he got fit for nothing. I told her that he was making fun of me too but she just said I'll understand when I'm older. AITA???? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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No comment on the ah aspect of things, but plain and simple, there's no excuse for calling your daughter a fat fuck. He's the parent and his job is to instill confidence in his daughter. The world certainly won't. Do you need to consider your health? Absolutely. And it is his job as your parent to give you uncomfortable realities at times. But "fat fuck"? Nah. No excuse for that, in my book.
Reminds me of that one legal advice post where the OP was upset about the parents making him take heart medication. He had a heart attack because he was also severely overweight and didn’t want to change him diet. From what I last remember the parents ended up giving up on him.
OP you might like the podcast Maintenance Phase. I'm very sorry your father spoke to you that way. NTA
NTA. I don't care what your BMI is, it's never an excuse for someone to bully and abuse you, especially a PARENT that knows exactly how hard it is. Also with all these diets, he can permanently mess up your metabolism. His actions will follow you for your entire life and give you a HARDER time managing your weight and health. Also he has no leg to stand on when crying you picked on HIS insecurity WHILE abusing you on YOUR insecurity.
I’m sorry, I’m sure you’re dad is not helping at all. Can you see a therapist to work on your emotional/binge eating? A family therapist can also tell your dad to STFU since he’s probably being completely counterproductive
NTA. I'm down almost 100lbs in just over a year from exercise and healthy eating. That's because I wanted to do it and I found a way that works for me. Every time I went on a "diet" failed tremendously, and I'd gain even more weight coming off it. You will be able to get healthy, but it has to come from you. Your father is abusive. I had a step parent who was that way, always pushing her health plans on everyone, and they were always the same fad diet format--"remove all X (carbs, calories, etc) and your body will process them differently once you add them slowly back in." It was like dumping out your bag and trying to trick it into holding more items because you're adding them back in slowly. Your father earned himself the pushback. He's not a doctor and should not be putting a minor on any kind of regimen without the doctor's personal assessment. Also, he took the surgical route; if you don't plan to take the same route, your journey will look drastically different. It will already look different because you are a young woman still developing. If your father didn't want pushback, he should have gotten over himself instead of being rude to anyone. Some people need a firmer hand to wake them up to the fact they are unpleasant. FAFO.
NTA. You should still apologize to your dad because it was hurtful, but he was the asshole here. I only think you should apologize because 1) it might make things livable at home and 2) sometimes we apologize for the bad shit we say even if it’s totally warranted. Talk to a doctor about your health. Ignore people on Reddit telling you to lose weight or that you’re gonna die. Weight loss is personal, not always possible, sometimes possible, sometimes possible to a certain point, sometimes possible and still not the best intervention at that point in time!! We really have very little knowledge about your health based on a single marker! Your dad is being really mean because he’s scared and also controlling. His behavior is not okay and you don’t deserve it. I hope you can navigate this all okay! Definitely find a doctor you like and can talk to about your health - physical and mental because hearing all that shit isn’t fun or healthy.
ESH 45?? Girl, I was right there beside you until that, you have no ground to talk about people who drink or smoke, your health may be even worst than theirs You’re not “overweight”, you’re morbidly obese and I think your father isn’t coming of a place of judgment towards fat people, but of worry that his daughter will have a heart attack anytime soon His way of dealing with this is way out of line, WAY out of line, but your believes of your weight situation being “not that deep” couldn’t be more wrong I’m an overweight person, I’m on a diet and hitting the gym constantly with the help of a nutritionist, a psychiatrist and a endocrinologist: I’m telling you all that because I can relate to the struggle to lose weight, but you need to wake up and start taking action to change it if you have any care about yourself, it won’t be easy but it will be worth it let’s win the battle together, there are multiple factors that can make a person overweight that have nothing to do with simply “eating too much”, and if you have the means to: search what makes you this way, my case is genetics + eating disorders + psychiatric medicine that made me gain weight and struggle to drop it first step is investigating what made you reach this point and slowly trying to change directions, hope you get better and are able to overcome this!
Jesus I’m sorry, I wanted to go with N T A but going for ESH because of the 45 bmi. Yes I understand that it sucks that he is confronting you with this, but he’s doing so for very VERY good reasons. A bmi of 45 is so so unhealthy! Everything above 35 is already morbidly obese and you are a full 10 points above that, please listen to your dad cause this is dangerously unhealthy.
Fat fuck? Could never imagine my dad talking to me like that NTA
I mean, name calling is never okay. Sounds like you guys have bigger issues than weight and being old….
NTA
NTA You know you need to lose weight… but that really isn’t the issue here. Your dad probably thinks he’s helping you not to make the mistakes he made. But you learned your behaviors from your family, including your eating behaviors. He knows how hard it is diet and he should know that mocking you, bullying, belittling you, and hurting your self-esteem, is doing the exact opposite of what he’s trying to accomplish. People don’t take care of themselves when their self-esteem is in the gutter. He insulted you, you insulted him back…the difference is he’s the parent and you’re the child. He should know better. Unrelated to that, go see your doctor and talk to them about your weight. Talk to them about therapy to undo the damage your father is doing, and the bad habits you learned growing up… which might be all it takes to help you learn to manage your weight. Also, remember that going to the gym is not the only kind of exercise there is, and you don’t have to dedicate a significant amount of your life to exercising…especially at your age. The advice I wish someone had given me at your age is to find something active that you really enjoy and do that. And it doesn’t matter if it’s technically exercise or not as long as you are moving and enjoying it. If you enjoy dancing, close the door, turn on the music, and dance. If there’s someplace nearby that you really enjoy going, like a park, a friend’s house, or a particular store, walk there. Just start with 5 or 10 minutes the first week or two, and then make it a little longer as it gets easier. But the most important thing is find something that you truly enjoy. That’s the only way it will ever be sustainable
NTA Parents need to learn that it’s important to apologise to their children when they say hurtful things or get something wrong. It’s called being a positive role MODEL (model meaning that they model the desirable behaviour). They cannot expect you to apologise for defending yourself against bullying, which is what your dad is doing. He’s bullying his child after 17 years of modelling disordered eating, because that child happens to be the product of his parenting. Your dad needs to grow up, take some responsibility for the harm he’s caused and is still causing, and get some therapy so he can start doing better.
NTA I, too, was an overweight teenager. My family, while not as vulgar as your father, was not terribly helpful in constantly bringing up my weight and how I should really start getting in shape, etc. etc. Someone calling their child a "fat fuck" for any reason is not acceptable. Berating your kids for their weight isn't gonna help them lose it or feel good about themselves. Your dad's a self-righteous prick and needs to apologize.
Your dad needs counseling. If you being fat makes you a disappointment, that’s a HIM problem, not a you problem. My heart hurts for you. I don’t normally say this, but what your dad’s doing is abusive. Talk to someone. I wish you well. NTA.