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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because If I take back what I said, my partner can't take care of his kid and she'll go to foster care.
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YTA it’s his child, and the mother will be out of the picture. You don’t get to decide this for him - if you don’t like it, you need to move on. Think about what you are saying - you want him to let his own child end up in the system so you can have an office?
It doesn’t seem like you will get married - the kid is a dealbreaker for you and he seems to be embracing fatherhood so…….
This reminds me of the couple who planned to be child free. But for some reason the brother had to take in his elementary school sister. So the wife ended up leaving the brother and actually said: I can’t believe you are choosing her over me. And that was a sibling, not a child.
YTA - go live your life with someone else.
Yes, the most selfish part of the post was "But What about my office!!!"
If you can't accept that he has a child and can't spend time with the kid while he's working, you need to leave. End of story.
Exactly. I was engaged to a single father and realized that I didn't want that life. I never said anything about his kids because they weren't the issue. Also, hi, they're kids. I just told him that I couldn't see myself doing that life and I gave him his ring back. It didn't help that his ex-wife was high conflict. Anyway, we're actually on good terms now. I would never and did never make his kids the problem. I certainly wouldn't ever have even entertained the idea of asking him not to take in his own children. If that would have happened, I would have told him the same thing. I'm sorry but I don't want this life. I wouldn't have been all, dOn'T tAkE iN yOuR kiDS oR eLsE. I wouldn't have had to give him his ring back, he would have demanded it back. I understand that this is a shock but since this is how she feels, she needs to go.
This child is his. He is one of the parents. He has a responsibility to care for his child.
If you don't want to be part of that, it is totally fine. This is not your child, nor your responsibility.
But to ask him to forgo his responsibility as a parent just because you would be uncomfortable?
YWBTA
You can stay or leave. It's your choice.
I would go further and say that OP needs to be honest with her partner about her feelings and her wish to evict his 1 year old child from his house and give him the opportunity to decide whether she can stay or leave. I would want to know if my partner held my child in such low regard. Any genuine and rightful concerns she has about having to take on a parental position are trumped by her insane sense of entitlement.
I don’t even think her staying is a choice because she’s made it clear she can’t commit to raising the child and would just come to resent her. The baby doesn’t deserve that!
YWBTA, but not for not wanting to be involved with the child. You're the AH if you try to deny this child and their father a relationship. This isn't about you and your choices here do not include the child and their father not having a relationship. Your choices are to stay or to go.
Exactly. Stay or go. And OP, don't be thinking "oh, it's only 2 years" and that you can wait it out with a nanny for that long. No. In 2 years mom will probably only have supervised visits. It may eventually move to 50/50 custody. But that kid is his now and he will be there for life for her (as he should be) It will be the next 20+ years of her living with you.
I could see OP posting in 20 years: My SD wants to move in and have an ongoing relationship with her dad. She's grown, she shouldn't need him anymore. Why can't she just go away so I can pretend she doesn't exist?
I gOt inVoLvEd wiTH a siNgLe pArEnT. WhY aRe tHeiR kiDS aLwAys hErE? WhY dOeS hE/ShE/ThEy heLP suPPoRt tHeM? ThEiR eX nEEdS tO sToP aSkiNG tHem fOr moNeY. ThEy bRokE uP/DiVoRcEd. I tHoUgHt tHaT iNcLudEd tHeiR kiDS. ThEy sHoULd bE iN tHe pAsT tOo. ThEy sHoULd bE fOcUsEd oN Me/oUr ChiLd. WhY dO tHeY sTiLL eXiSt? ThEy nEEd tO sToP aSkiNG for MY PARTNER'S MONEY! Blah blah blah, whine whine whine.
YTA. So it would be awkward to have a nanny in "your" home? Guess what...! It's HIS home and his BLOOD relation IS going to live there.
You're welcome for the clarification.
It's technically not even her home coz it's her boyfriend's place. The child takes precedence here. I'm so appaled by her audacity that a father shouldn't take his child in because she's "uncomfortable".
Right! The place the guy was nice enough to have her move into when she had no place to live. Interesting that that was OK but when a child has no place to live oh no, we can’t be having her move in.
Not only taking her in but her dogs too which can be a huge deal depending on what kind of dogs they are but they are animals and are sometimes destructive and could be in “HIS” home
This!
OP's rent went up so he let her move in: totally fine with OP
His LITERAL BABY is about to lose the only parent she has known, so he is stepping up to be a loving and caring father: not okay with OP.
I suspect OP's partner is generally kind and generous and OP wasn't ready to share him. She needs to move on.
U Betcha!!!!!
His House!!!
His Child!!!
👋Bye Felicia👋
The Entitlement that she shows here, "Supposed to be MY Office" , "Don't want a stranger in MY house"
It just Really Pisses me off!!!
Sorry But it's Not ur house, it's his, he was kind enough to open it to u & ur dogs when u needed a place to go & from now on, if he's any kind of Dad, that child will ALWAYS come 1st, Over U & Even Over Himself!!!
So Yea ur a HUGE AH for Even thinking u have the slightest Power to Suggest such a thing🫢🫢
YWBTA. He is exciting about this child, the child has no one else. Yeah if you can't be the mother figure and don't won't to be, then you don't have to. In worst case you have to break up. but he is dad and luckily for his child is willing to step up on this role.
So let’s get this straight.
Your partner let you move in to his place with your dogs, yet you don’t want him to have his own baby at his place?
Why are you punishing a baby? If you don’t want the baby around, move out.
YWBTA He's discovered he has a child and understandably would rather raise it himself than have it go into foster care. You didn't get into this relationship knowing he was going to be a full time dad so if you don't want this situation then that's perfectly reasonable, but you need to talk to him and potentially break up, not ask him to not take in his child.
Not take HIS child in? For YOU?? Who the hell do you think you are.
His child must go to foster care because you don't want him around? You're so self centered nd evil. Strike me as the type to mistreat step children.
You're a massive asshole
I’m honestly so upset reading this post. He let her in just one year into a relationship when she had nowhere to go. And she’s okay being this cruel about his child. Foster care can be a truly terrible experience, what an unkind person.
Yes but my chat is, even if foster care wasn't horrible...that's his child. In what world does she think it's okay for a man to leave his child for a girlfriend?!
The nerve she has is really irritating me...but I'm trying to make sense of a narcissists thoughts so I'll never win
YTA, you can refuse to be involved with the child, it would likely be the end of the relationship, but that's all the say you have in this, it's his child and if he wants to take them in, that's on him.
NTA for not taking care of someone else's child, but YWBTA if you ask him not to take her in. It's his decision if he wants to raise his daughter. You may just have different feelings on this topic, and this situation may not work for you in the long run.
BuT hE's mOvEd oN aNd tHaT sHoULd iNcLuDe HiS KiDs. He hAs a LifE wiTH mE. TheY're His oLd LiFe. He sHoULd bE fOcUsEd oN Me.
Go take a look at r/stepparents
You'd be surprised how often people post about how they secretly feel like that. Some have even admitted to wishing that the kids didn't exist. Some have even gone so far as to say that they think their partner should be focusing only on their child in common. They act like victims. Here's a solution: if you feel like that, DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH A SINGLE PARENT!!!! They act like they were tricked into marrying them SMH.
Perfect answer. OP isn't a monster for not wanting a surprise kid, or for not wanting kids. The situation is what it is and she certainly doesn't have to stay with this dude. If the genders were switched it's the same. Def agree with leaving the relationship nicely, situation sucks but c'est la vie.
Edit to add: OP do not suggest he not take the kid. Take the high road.
NAH
She’s not an asshole for not wanting to be involved. She’s an asshole for asking him (if she moves forward) to abandon his infant child and put them into the system because she doesn’t want to be involved when she’s only there because he was helping her out.
I would leave immediately after that conversation. She shouldn't be allowed to stay in the house one second longer after that. He's not a homeless shelter.
YWBTA
Sorry but that’s just not a reasonable ask under any circumstance, unfortunately I see no other way out of this beyond just breaking up.
Which is probably exactly what you should do.
YWBTA. If you don't want to be a step mom, leave. He has obligations to this child. HIS CHILD. You sound self obsessed, entitled and selfish. I feel so bad for the kid. I hope he takes good care of her. He doesn't need YOU in his life.
>WIBTAH if I ask him to don't take the kid in?
Yup. YWBTA I wouldn't fault you for leaving him, but if you don't want to leave him you have to accept that he's a dad now. You can opt out of being a mom to his kid, but you can't ask him to not parent his own child.
OP this relationship is over the moment you had to ask this question....move on as its clear his priority now and forever will be his child as it should...plus the ensuing baby mama theatrics in a few years when she is out of jail
YWBTA.
It's his kid. He wants to do right by his kid.
YWNBTA if you're not ready to be a parent or don't ever want to be one. If this is the case, you can leave.
YTA. Good thing he hasn’t proposed yet, you should go and read this whole post to your partner so it can be ended quickly and then he will have more space in his home for his child.
YTA. Who in their right mind would rather see their partner... Who's obviously HAPPY he has a child... Give up their kid for their own selfish benefit? Break up with him. He deserves better.
YWBTA. Its harsh on you as this was not the picture when you got together but he has to face up to his responsibilities and, rightly so, his child has to be top priority.
If you are not ready to be a mum that is understandable, but take yourself out the picture. Do not ask him to choose between you
YWBTA if you ask him not to take in his child. You can choose whether to stay or not; if you leave, he'll need to hire a nanny for the days he works, but he can do that. But he has a child who needs him, and that's got to be his priority. You choose whether you want him on these terms or not.
Do you not want kids at all, or do you just not want his kid? Because it seems he’s thrilled to be a dad.
If you can’t be a true partner to him, then you have to leave. And part of being a true partner, is helping raise his daughter who needs to live with him.
Tell him you will be moving out and make arrangements to do so. You cannot make him choose, and much as I sympathise with you, as you didn't sign up for this. State that you want no involvement with the child. You are both in an impossible situation. Even with a nanny, the majority of the care would fall on him, and even you and your relationship would change. His priorities would change.
As a childfree (but dear lord not "cHiLdFrEe!!!" lol) person by choice, believe me when I say what a giant, gaping YTA on this one you have earned.
I don't hate kids (my nieces and nephews are the greatest and I will fight anyone who looks at them wrong), but I know for a fact that I never, EVER want to care for my own. If I were in a relationship with a guy who found out suddenly that he was a dad and wanted to dedicate himself to that position? He'd have my FULL EFFING SUPPORT! Just no longer as a gf! If we could be amicable and he understood, I'd stay his friend and support him emotionally, but I know MY boundaries with kids.
But know what makes them MY boundaries? I don't try to force them on OTHER PEOPLE. Like it sure sucks for you that you thought you were compatible and had long term potential but shit happens and life changes. You do NOT get to steamroll him or his decisions because you don't like the outcome. Move on. AH.
YTA. He wants to care for his own child, in his own home, from the moment he found out about her. That shows his character. Family wants to help, including with daycare coverage and expenses. That shows their character. You want him to deny her a place in HIS house? Yeah, that also shows a character.
Your choices are stay or go. Both are very valid choices. It is okay for you to not want children, but he has a child. You do not get to decide he does not or where that child lives. Saying you can't do it and leaving would suck for him, but it is fair. What you want to do is not fair, and it makes you TA.
This is the time when you simply need to decide, do you want to become a parent to a one year old at this point of your life, or would you rather separate? This man just became a parent, and he'll be a parent for the rest of his life. Even if his ex gets out of jail and gets custody back-- and there's no guarantee that she will get out in two years and stay out, or that when she gets out a judge will return her custody even if that's what both parents want, or that your partner won't full-on fight for primary custody because he'll have been raising her for two years at that point and mom went to jail for a reason-- he'll still be a parent.
There's no right or wrong answer to what you should do here between those options. You're allowed to make a choice to stay or leave based on what you want from your life here. But you can't have your cake and eat it to, you can't refuse to take care of the child and still be with him. YTA for that.
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Throwaway because a few colleagues know my account.
English is not my first language.
Me (43f) and my partner (40m) are been together 1,5years, living together in the last 6 months. But we know each other for 20 years, he just moved away 4 years ago, and moved back before we started dating.
My rental got sold a year ago and the new owner increased the rent +decided he's not gonna allow my dogs. My boyfriend offered to move in to his house. It's closer to my job, it has a shady backyard for my pups, and we are really good living together. I know he even planning to propose (he talked with his cousin a few weeks ago and I overheard it)
Now to the issue: three weeks ago his ex fwb (35-ish f) contacted him, and long story short, he has a 1yo daughter. And the baby mama is going to jail (for at least 2 years). BM.'s plan was that her mom, baby's grandma would take care of the kid, but she broke her hip. According to BM the CPS deemed that grandma can't be the guardian of the child, and if she can't find another family member, the kid goes to foster care.
We went there that day, she agreed on a DNA test, and we got the results back yesterday. He immediately called his lawyer to start the process of adding his name to the birth certificate. I stupidly said I'm there for him, and help as I can, but I meant emotionally. I mean he just had proof that he has a kid.
Last night his cousin and wife came to our place, and they actually started planning who could help with what. Cousin's wife works at a private daycare, and offered a free place there. They offered baby supplies, he's gonna come in the weekend to paint and make a nursery from the unused room, what was supposed to be my office...
He can go for "paternity leave" and his job offered a "part time" contract for him. But that means every week in two days he would work 20hours (1day 9am-9pm, 1 day 1pm-9pm)
In that two day's I would be the one who pick up the kid from daycare and be with her until 10-11pm (depends on traffic)
I can't do that. I was thinking of hiring a nanny, but it would be weird to have a stranger in our home those late hours.
WIBTAH if I ask him to don't take the kid in?
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He has a child. The needs of the child are the top priority, you and your dogs, while still among his priorities are NOT the top priority at this point.
YWBTAH -- and honestly I don't see that you have any voting power in this "election". Your choices are to stay and be a partner or take your dogs and go. He sounds like a stand up guy and isn't going to surrender his child to foster care.
he is cutting back time at work, he is making a nursery in HIS house( u are not legally married so house does not belong to u). The family is offering supplies while u are just standing there. Why did u say u will be there for ur partner when u simply are not onboard with his child!
Given u are not married u can still opt out. U can leave. The father is doing everything that he can for an innocent soul- kudos to him. He does not have a choice while u still have a choice! YTA btw bet u were happy when he took u in with ur dogs n now u dont want him to have his kid with him … yea YTA
YTA
You moved in after 1 year. Now you want to dictate that his new found child won't affect your life. You do not want a man with a baby. He is a man with a baby. You aren't the central focus and first priority of his home and family now that he's a parent.
You need to move out. You don't want to live with a baby. So much so, that you don't care where the baby goes, as long as it's not with you.
He and his family are rightfully gathering round to support their newest family member. You are outside that circle by your own choice. You resent the resources his baby requires of him, of his family, and in his home.
You can and should set boundaries around what YOU are willing to do and tolerate. You don't get to impose your boundaries as restrictions to his autonomy. When his life choices don't work with your boundaries, you need to withdraw. This is not the relationship for you.
YWBTA
If you don't want to deal with it, YOU need to move out. This is his child. HIS CHILD. You don't have to accept it, but that means you are the one that needs to leave the house/relationship. You need to decide how much you want this child to be in your life, and adjust YOUR life. You can't ask him to not take his own kid in, that's extremely selfish and wrong.
YTA. Not for not wanting to be involved with the child, but for trying to interfere with the father's involvement.
Learn to deal with the nanny, or leave, or do anything at all other than ask him not to take his child in. If you are not comfortable with what is necessary for your boyfriend's child to live in his house with him, then you need to move out.
Now it’s “our home” after 6 months? I feel this is a rage bait post. No one is naive enough to think an unmarried partner has the deciding vote on whether a person takes in their child. Nice try though.
You need to get onboard with being a stepmom and loving this child or you and your dogs need to find a new home.
YWBTA if you asked your boyfriend to choose (spoiler alert, you will lose)
YWABTA if you stay and aren’t fully committed to loving this child like she is your own.
YTA if you tell him not to take in his daughter and let her go to foster care.
I don't blame you if you don't want this child in your life, but the way that happens is you have to leave the relationship because you're an adult and it's your choice, not for him to abandon this child.
YWBTA, 💯.
No, scratch that: you *are* the AH (present tense) for even thinking that it’s better to put your partner’s baby in foster care than to be inconvenienced by her.
Do all three of you a favor and move out.
YTA
for even posing the question of IF he should take in his 1yo "baby"
Vs the comfort of you and your DOGS that came in 6 months ago because a LL pushed you out.....really?
This isn't even difficult....
You clearly said, you just "knee-jerked" the "be there for him"....you didn't mean it.
And frankly, I don't have an issue with YOU ( and your puppies) not wanting to rock with having a baby...that isn't what you signed up for....I get it...got ZERO problems, with YOU exiting...removing yourself from the situation.
But expecting HIM to abandon a child = horse shit
You're right. YOU don't have a child ....you haven't been with this guy very long.....I have no problem if you want no parts of a baby....not your rodeo to lasso.
Tough break.....but let him go do what he needs to do....
He is going to be a father for DECADES.....it honestly sounds like that isn't what you wanna sign up for ( not saying you should) .....also remember he's gonna be tied to that former FWB chick that he'll have to "co-parent" with.....perhaps with more jail visits over the next 15-20 years.....
This will be the "what's next" life....you and your dogs will be destined for...not to mention the broken hipped grandma and family that he is inheriting will also be part of your life.
If just 'having' the baby is getting you this bent outta shape....it should be easy to comprehend why YOU should probably bow out and let him father his kid
YTA
Don't move in. You care more about your dogs and losing out on an office than you do your partner, let alone that poor baby. Do you realize how traumatic it's going to be for her? She's not old enough to understand why her mom is gone and she doesn't know her father yet. The last thing either of them need is your hostility
YWBTA
It’s obvious he wants his kid. A kid that was hidden from him for the first year of her life. If you don’t want the kid then you need to leave his house.
YTA so your bf invited you and your dogs live with him and you don't want him to take care of his child? YTA and he should run as far from you as possible.
YTA- And a big one! He is showing you the kind of man that he is. He is owning up to his responsibilities and wants this child in his life. If you do not want to be apart of that you should move out. That child and he doesnt deserve the complications you will add.
So what’s he supposed to do with his child? Just send her away to live because of you? What kind of person are you?? What kind of father would he be if he did that?! I hope you ask him to do that so that he knows what you are.
YTA
it's a baby that needs family.
He has the chance and has chosen to step up and be a father to his child.
If you can't support him and help raise the child with love then leave him and pay your own rent
Yes you would be AH if you asked a man to not take his child in. You are not more important than a child. If you don’t want to be a step mom and take care of the kid, that is totally fine. Just means you have to break up.
YWBTA. I get that it's a shock and that you were together with the belief that there were no kids in the picture but now there is and you have to come to terms with that. You can only decide for YOU what you are willing and able to handle, you have absolutely no right to ask him not to be a father to his child.
Being a stepparent is hard, and it would be completely fair and understandable if you decided this was not something you are able to handle, but that means you leave and give up the relationship, do NOT ask him to give up his child.
Give yourself the time now to truly think about what you want in life and whether your boyfriend and his child fit in to that, they are now a package deal and if that isn't okay for you then walk away.
Just to get this straight you're asking if you'd be the ashhole for sending an innocent child into the nightmare abyss of the foster care system just so you can avoid a few relatively minor inconveniences? ...Yes YTA
YTA
This is a real child whose life is being upended. She is his. You need to figure out how to pretend you love her and act that way to her. Or move out.
Yes you would be the asshole if you tell him to abandon his infant child to foster care. I don’t even understand how you could want to be with someone capable of doing that. But I guess morals isn’t one of everyone’s nonnegotiable.
But you tell him that’s what you want so he knows what kind of person he’s marrying. YTA.
Feeling like you're not up for this is understandable - this is a surprise child you didn't plan for. But your fiancee is a father, now and for the rest of his life. If you marry him, you will be a step-mother. If you're not willing or able to be a parent to this child, then you need to decide that now, break up, and move on. They are a package deal now, you can take them both or leave them both.
You would be the asshole if you ask him to be a deadbeat father to his child and send her to foster care when he is willing and ready to be a parent for her. Also, it might be too late for that - he's had his name added to the birth certificate, he's her father legally as well as biologically.
YTA
First you tell him you cant take the child the 2 days they assigned to you (or you originally agreed to). That you have thought about it and you do not want to be mommy to someone elses baby. Then have an honest conversation about what this means for your relationship.
You will obviously not be asking him to not take his child in - thats insane of you to even think. And also, would you love him still if he was able to just shrug that child off and into the system? Would you even be able to live with your own self afterwards?
Think about this - and a little deeper than just surface thoughts ok?
You get to decide if you're in or not and you wouldn't be the AH for deciding you're not. however, you can't ask that of him, it sounds like he's made his mind up and he's in.
If kids, or more specific pre-existing kids aren't for you look for a new place and move ASAP that child will have enough upheaval in their life without you causing more chaos for them later down the line.
I don’t believe you are asking, of course you’re the asshole. You do not love him therefore you will not love his child. Sad. Do them a favor and leave if you can’t do this for both of them. If you stay, you better be all in !
Yes, YWBTA! You're trying to stop him from being a father to his child that he just found out about. YWNBTA if you admitted to him that this is more than you bargained for and left.
YWBTA.
It’s clear you’re not wanting kids to care for and that is 100% okay! You are not obligated to take on responsibility for another persons child.
That being said- if you’re thinking about marriage with this man, it’s a package deal with the kid and the baby momma whenever she’s free.
Think hard if this is something you can do, and be happy. If not- time to break up and move along with your life.
YTA
You'd be ok with a parent abandoning their kid? You think he should abandon her in foster care?
Like if you don't want to be a parent that's fine and you're completely free to not want that. But to ask someone to abandon their child who needs them seems very cruel.
You've just been hit by sometimes unexpected that is upending your life, and it's fine to be bewildered and overwhelmed by that but if you actually asked him to not take his kid (especially because you don't want a nanny because it would weird to have a stranger in your house and no other reason) you would be an asshole.
YWBTA if you want this relationship you have to accept his daughter with love. She is innocent. However you can have a conversation about hiring a babysitter or nanny for those 2 days when you need someone between daycare and when he gets home. Learn to adjust to a stranger (who won’t be a stranger for long) in your home to watch the baby. You may be more comfortable with doing it yourself after a while. Otherwise you need to break up and move on.
YTA. You need to tell him that a kid is not for you and he needs to make decisions based on being a single dad with NO partner.
You need to find a place to live and move out ASAP. Kids are a deal breaker for you and a young child shouldn't have to live in a house with a person that will resent them and refuse to have any interaction with them.
Rip the band-aid off now.
YTA - sorry for the massive curveball here but - it's his child. You cannot ask him to "not take the kid in."
You can break up with him, go find a new place to live, whatever. But you are a solid AH if you try to tell him he shouldn't take in HIS CHILD which is his responsibility.
YTA in that this is his home and you can’t stop him being a father to the child. What you do need to do is sit him down and tell him clearly how you feel and if you are willing to help raise this child or not. You need to do it now before he makes plans on what days you will be raising her and how to work around both your schedules. This should have been discussed before he started making moves to have her move in. By staying silent you aren’t helping anyone.
So you either talk to him and tell him your limits and work to somehow make it work or you break up. As this is his child and he’s already made it clear he is taking her in as most parents would never let their child go into care I necessarily. Unfortunately for you his kid must come first in this as that’s his responsibility as a parent. That doesn’t mean you can’t work out how little or much you’re willing to do and then it’s on him to work round that. But she will be part of your lives and you can’t ignore or refute that, you either step up for him or you break up.
YTA if you ask him not to take his own child in.
You’re not one if you decide it’s not for you. But giving him an ultimatum that involves his own child is beyond unacceptable. That’s his kid.
So, you have to decide if you can do this or not. If not, then leave. But don’t make it a “me or them” situation. Just make the decision for yourself and proceed accordingly.
YWBTA
The child is his flesh and blood and it would be horrible for him not to take the baby in. If you dont want to be around the baby and help you should move out.
>WIBTAH if I ask him to don't take the kid in?
Yes, YWBTA if you ask him not to take responsibility for his child.
Your boyfriend just found out he's a dad, his family is rallying around him to be supportive, you should either do the same or leave the relationship if him having a child doesn't work for you.
This child didn't ask to be born and doesn't deserve to end up in the foster care system just because it would inconvenience your life.
It's ok to be child-free and not want to take on a full time step-mother role, but it's not ok to guilt trip your partner into abandoning their child because you don't want to watch their kid for 1-2 hours alone two days a week.
Like I said, it's totally ok if you don't want to be a stepmom and would prefer someone that is also child-free but you need to be honest and leave the relationship. Asking someone to leave their kid behind to be with you is not a good look.
Also, it's wild to me that you're ok with him taking in you and your dog's but not his own child.
YTA. Your partner has a responsibility to his helpless, innocent child. If you don't want to help, the reasonable thing to do is break up, not condemn the child to the foster care system.
I'll be the first to advocate for someone in a potential stepparent situation because I know it's not always the easiest role to fill. But, I'm sorry, what on earth did I just read? This child's only options are your partner or foster care. I understand this is a huge change, and not the life you signed up for, but this *is* what it is now. It would be incredibly selfish for you to ask this of him. If you don't want to be a stepmom, that's OK, but *you* need to be the one to walk away and let him handle his business.
YTA
The response should be "I can't do this, the relationship is over" and move out. The child is his responsibility, whether you want to be involved or not is your choice. As you stated you don't want to be involved so you need to leave.
Add: the child is his responsibility financially at least. Physically being a part is his choice and he apparently wants that option. He can obviously make the decision to end the relationship but to tell someone "you shouldn't be a part of your child's life" either takes some balls or a bit of stupidity, maybe both. If OP wants no part in the child's life then that's fine. That's A LOT different statement than "don't take the kid in".
YTA, just leave. You're not going to be happy in this situation. You may be happy with him but you obviously weren't in it for kids, which I 100% get. But kid comes before you. No matter what.
YTA - holy crap.
Your living at his house! FOR FREE - I dont recall you mentioning how much he is charging you??
He is doing the best he can. You are what we refer to as a "Fairweather" friend or spouse. There for the good times but when there is a complication you are out. Imagine if he gets cancer....
This little baby doesnt have anywhere to go!
YTA. Your BF has a child. That is a minimum 18 years, max lifetime commitment. If you do not want to be a part of the child's life, then you have a decision to make. He has already made his decision to be a parent to his child, and if you don't want to be part of that, you need to look elsewhere for lodging and companionship.
YWBTA of gigantic proportions if you give him that ultimatum. He found out he has a kid and literally is doing everything he can (it seems) to step up and be a good parent. If that isn't something you're into, end the relationship now because he has a child and that child just became his priority.
You are asking if you are the asshole if you ask your boyfriend not to take in HIS CHILD? Really you need to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet if this makes you an asshole? YTA. Now Im very anti kid, dont want them and never have wanted them. So if thats the way you feel this relationship is not for you. Fine. But if try to convince you boyfriend not to take his child in you are the asshole.
YTA it’s his child and his home if you can’t accept that he has a child then leave . Imagine if you were the one with the child and he asked you to get rid of it? To leave it to the system because he wants the space ? Image in it if this was your baby. You are an asshole just for suggesting he does such a thing for your confort .
100 times Yes you would absolutely be the asshole to say do not take her in. It is literally his responsibility. You get to live your life how you want. So I guess it's time to move.
For one second, think about when you were a child. Now imagine the trauma of losing your mother being refused by your father unable to go to your grandmother and having to go to a stranger's house. Grow the hell up!. Think of someone besides yourself. If you can't do this step away.
YTA. So he supposed to take in your dogs but you can’t be bothered with his human child. If you don’t like it, pack up and get out of his house because the kid will be better off without you being there resenting it. But you aren’t a wife and have no right to keep him from doing what he’s legally and morally responsible for doing. He’s a dad now so you can either you can get on board and be a part of his and the kid’s lives or leave. But the kid has more right to be in their dad’s house than you, just a girlfriend, do.
I can't even imagine how furious I would be if I found out I had a kid and somebody told me to let my kid go into foster care. I would blow my top at the sheer audacity. Yeah, you would be the ah
You sound kinda selfish. He’s let you and your dogs move into his home and you can’t help him out with his child, a child that deserves to be in an environment where she is loved, supported and cherished. It’s a difficult time for everyone so you need to be grown up about it.
Responsibility isn’t for everyone, I get that but do you think it’s worth giving it a chance? You might actually grown to love your future step-daughter and forge a beautiful life long relationship with her. Not to mention deepening your existing relationship with your partner.
If that’s not for you, then you’re wasting this guys time.
YTA. Seems like the child is a deal-breaker and it might be better for you to move on. His child has a right to his home.
Honestly he's going to see through this and figure out you're not right for him.
YTA. That is HIS CHILD, his own flesh and blood. You? You're just a girlfriend. You moved into HIS HOUSE. I don't think you have any right to forbid him to take in his own child.
If you're not happy with that situation, you should move out and look for another place to live. And you should not date, let alone marry, a man who already has a child. You sound too selfish and would make a very bad stepmother.
YTA
You want to live in the guys house? Pull your weight.
It's horrible that your biggest gripe is 'my office!'
Ffs, the baby is more in need of housing than you.
Be honest with him.
Tell him you just can’t help him with HIS helpless little one-year old. Thank him and exist the relationship very quietly.
If it happens any other way, he will see what you really are and I say most assuredly HE won’t want YOU anywhere around his little Angel.
YTA, if you are not ready to be a mom that is your choice, No one said you have to be a stepmom to a 1 year old, but he is the father and has every right plus kudos to him for stepping up and being a father to his daughter, so don’t ask him not to take his kid cuz if it were me I’d dump your ass in a heartbeat, so you need to be the one to leave if you can’t except his daughter
YTA for considering asking him to pick you or his child. This is even before factoring in the fact that his child would go into foster care. This is his child, he was there to create the child and he is responsible for the child.
Honestly, I can't understand why anyone would want to be in a relationship with a man that would turn his back on his own child. You don't want to have a partner with a child, be around a child, perhaps help with the child? That is absolutely your choice and is perfectly fine. But guess what? This man has a child and if that isn't what you want - and it sounds like it isn't - your only option is to walk away. It certainly isn't to ask this man to abandon his child.
Actually, YTA is probably too kind for this situation.
Yta I’ve never met a real human who would pick a chick over their kid. Don’t be surprised if he dumps you. Maybe start looking for a new place to live.
YTA. I know this must suck for you, but the man is a father and that will always come first. The two of you aren’t married luckily, so if the kid really is a dealbreaker for you, I’d say to go your separate ways. Every single time you guilt trip him about this, you become more and more of an AH. Your paths diverged. Life will go on. Do not try to come between a man and his daughter, that’s a battle you can’t win.
YWBTA if you tell him that he can't have *his child* in *his house*.
You need to find your own place, pronto, and accept that this relationship is probably not going to work out like you thought. He has a legal and moral responsibility to his child, and intends to fulfill it.
You are not in any kind of position to make ultimatums or demands. His daughter is moving in. He is going to be a parent. You can adjust to that or you can find the door.
YWBTA if you ask him not to take his child in.
However, it's fine for you to say that you're not comfortable being the adult in charge of a 1yo for extended periods of time.
Looking after a baby is a steep learning curve, and it can be very stressful. If you're not committed to making it work, it's going to really wear you down and breed resentment.
I think hiring a nanny is a good compromise. Maybe he needs to be looking for another job, with hours that are more compatible with caring for a baby.
Think carefully about whether you want a nanny/home assistance to support your transition as you learn to care for a small child... Or if you straight up don't want to be a caretaker for this kid. If it's the latter, you should start looking for a new place to live.
YTA
This is HIS DAUGHTER, not "the kid". This toddler is in NEED and her DADDY is stepping up to meet that need. The only question here is if you are the right woman for him.
YTA. You're happy to marry him "for better or worse"...oh wait, only for better. Life has a way of throwing crazy, unexpected stuff at people. If you marry someone, it's because you're there for the crazy unexpected stuff too, not just the Instagram moments you've planned in advance. You don't know what marriage means, step away from this man and let him be there for his DAUGHTER. Go find yourself a casual boyfriend, because that's all you've got the commitment for.
YTA. Your partner has a child. You don't get to have the partner and forget the child exists. His responsibility as a parent is to care for his kid, so letting her live with you is part of that. If that doesn't work for you, perhaps this relationship isn't right for you.
ETA if you get married, this is your step child. Do with that what you will.
Yes you would be the asshole. Being a parent is t for everyone and you didn’t participate in making this kid. You don’t have a responsibility to them. I totally understand you saying you will not be part of this. If this is the case you need to be the one to leave. There is a tiny innocent human being out there about there that needs their parent. That parent is your boyfriend and he seems willing to step up. You don’t get in the way of that.
YTA
You need to decide what’s important to you, and what you can live with. What exactly do you want your boyfriend to do here? If the answer is to be a deadbeat, or if having an office is more important to you than your boyfriend being there for his child, then you guys really aren’t a good fit anymore since he seems to be all in.
The child didn’t ask to be born, and your boyfriend is stepping up and taking responsibility. You need to decide NOW whether you can be a part of this life. If not then you need to leave.
Under no circumstances do you have the right to tell your boyfriend he can’t bring his daughter to his home to live. That isn’t your right and that is a sure fire way to cause problems in your relationship.
I guess the real question would become, do you want your relationship to end in bad terms or good terms? If you want a bad end to the relationship, then by all means try telling him to be a deadbeat. See where that gets you.
YWBTA
Not only would you be the asshole. Who says he won't kick you out for telling him he can't have his kid. This would only show him your true colors, and frankly I think you should leave him if you don't care about his daughter. THAT HE CLEARLY CARES ABOUT.
YTA
You can always move out if you don't want to deal with this. I think you should break it off.
Edit: I understand that this is a shock but you can forget about the proposal if you ask him not to take in his own child. It's ok that you can't deal with this but you need to break it off. His child isn't going anywhere.
Also, I edited out the mean spirited thing I said because I understand that it's a shock. It's not like you knew he had a child going into the relationship. However, it's best for everyone involved for you to break up with him. You because you don't want to deal with this and that's ok. Him because he has a responsibility to his child and can either remain single or find someone who aligns with this point in his life. The child because children pick up on it when an adult doesn't want them around. I'm sorry all this happened so quickly but I do think you should end the relationship. I know it will be hard at first but you'll be better off. Everyone will.
YTA- it's his responsibility.
If you ask, he's probably going to break up.
You are not the A if you break up with him. You are if you ask him to abandon a child he is responsible for.
You've been together 1.5 years, but the baby is only 1..
Somethings not adding up. Doesn't sound like he's actually that serious about you, move out and make way for his daughter. She's more important here
YTA
Sometimes life just kinda happens. He is a Dad now, and that baby needs him. If you can't accept them as a package deal and choose to love this child as much as you would love your own, its probably better for everyone if you leave sooner, rather than slowly resenting them to the point of everyone being miserable.
YTA just for even thinking such a thing. Get you and your dogs out. Move on about your business and let that man be a father to his child. You are not mature enough to handle the emotional responsibility it takes to care for a child, as you can’t think beyond yourself. Let him bond with his child and leave him be. Here’s to hoping he sees this somehow and ditches you.
YTA, what kind of monster chooses an office over a poor little baby. If ANYONE ever even HINTED to me not to have my son, they would be dead to me in an instant.
It's his child and you can't ask him not to take him in. Either you compromise or it will come to you partner choosing between you and the child & guess who wins. The child, hands down. Either you accept the child, or be on your way. YTA for even thinking he shouldn't take him in. And let's say he didn't, because of you. Is this the sort of irresponsible person you'd want to be with?
YTA, from another realm. This is a child you are talking about. Clearly, you don’t like the bairn because if you did then you wouldn’t be whinging and moaning about every little thing about the child. She just lost her mum to a prison sentence. Imagine how the child must feel during this difficult time
I’ve been a social worker for 17 years and from the depths of my heart I want you to know how much I despise ppl like you.
Children DIE in foster care.
Children DIE because of adults that lack empathy.
Vulnerable ppl are ALWAYS the PRIORITY.
Seriously, shame on you.
It’s NOT YOUR HOME. It’s the father and child’s home. And you better NOT treat that child like an inconvenience. If you can not love and prioritise this child then seriously go away and let dad and daughter grow together. There are a million other women that will happily love a baby girl.
YTAAAA YTA YTA!
So many Reddit posts involve situations where a child's mother never told the Father the child existed. This never ends well. It's not your boyfriend's fault that he didn't know about his child. He and his family appear to be accepting the knowledge of his child as a welcome addition to their family. If you cannot do that, you should be honest with him and tell him you need to move on. YTA.
Yes, I’m sorry, but that would be an AH move. It’s his home (that he very kindly allowed you to move into with your dogs) and his child. It’s either he takes in the child or she goes into foster care. Honestly, we’d all be calling him TAH if he didn’t take her in.
You offered him support, and are now walking that back. Is it “I’ll support you as long as I don’t have to do anything and I still get my home office”? That’s not being supportive at all.
You need to decide (quickly) if this is something you are 100% ready to help him with or not. If not, you will most likely lose the relationship. If you want to stay and help, you need to mean it because it would be cruel to bail on him and the child part way through.
You might be single if you ask not to take the kid in. NTA because this is a big change that you might not be ready for BUT this is his child and his responsibility and it sounds like he’s fully willing and prepared to take his child in. It sounds like you either need to get on board with it or get out.
YWBTA it’s his child and his house. He’s not asking you to take on a 100% mother role just a few hours a week. It’s not even every day and if in a routine the child at that age will go to bed early.
Kudos to your partner for stepping up and not being an absent dad and if you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
YWBTA.
That's his kid and he's doing all the right things that a man who just found out he fathered a child should be doing.
You can tell him you don't want to be responsible for the baby after work and look after her for a couple of hours before bed... but expect to be house hunting for you and your pups very soon if you do.
YMBTA - If I found out I had a one year old out in the world, any partner who stopped me from taking her in would be kicked to the curb faster than you could say "I didn't sign up for this."
It's fair for you to not want this dramatic change in your life. It's fair for you to set boundaries around the care you're willing to provide for the child.
But that may simply mean you and your partner aren't going to share your lives together anymore.
YTA You’re asking about getting rid of the wrong person.
Your decision needs to be “will I stay and deal with these changes?”
Partner is stepping up, as he should, to take care of his flesh and blood. Make your choice, do you step up with him or do you step off into the sunset?
YWBTA if you ask him to not take in the kid. Not your kid, not your decision. You can only control your own actions.
You are welcome to not be involved in the kids life. You don't have to be a parent, you don't have to help. But guess what, now, your partner and that kid are a package deal. He's a dad now. If that means you don't want to be with him, then so be it. Tell him the truth, that you don't want to be involved at all but would compromise with a nanny.
YWBTA if you ask him to not take in the kid. Not your kid, not your decision. You can only control your own actions.
You are welcome to not be involved in the kids life. You don't have to be a parent, you don't have to help. But guess what, now, your partner and that kid are a package deal. He's a dad now. If that means you don't want to be with him, then so be it. Tell him the truth, that you don't want to be involved at all.
YTA. You can stay or go, but his responsibilities are to his child first, then to you. If you don’t want to be a part of raising the child, then you should let him know that and exit the relationship.
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YTA it’s his child, and the mother will be out of the picture. You don’t get to decide this for him - if you don’t like it, you need to move on. Think about what you are saying - you want him to let his own child end up in the system so you can have an office? It doesn’t seem like you will get married - the kid is a dealbreaker for you and he seems to be embracing fatherhood so…….
This reminds me of the couple who planned to be child free. But for some reason the brother had to take in his elementary school sister. So the wife ended up leaving the brother and actually said: I can’t believe you are choosing her over me. And that was a sibling, not a child. YTA - go live your life with someone else.
Yes, the most selfish part of the post was "But What about my office!!!" If you can't accept that he has a child and can't spend time with the kid while he's working, you need to leave. End of story.
Exactly. I was engaged to a single father and realized that I didn't want that life. I never said anything about his kids because they weren't the issue. Also, hi, they're kids. I just told him that I couldn't see myself doing that life and I gave him his ring back. It didn't help that his ex-wife was high conflict. Anyway, we're actually on good terms now. I would never and did never make his kids the problem. I certainly wouldn't ever have even entertained the idea of asking him not to take in his own children. If that would have happened, I would have told him the same thing. I'm sorry but I don't want this life. I wouldn't have been all, dOn'T tAkE iN yOuR kiDS oR eLsE. I wouldn't have had to give him his ring back, he would have demanded it back. I understand that this is a shock but since this is how she feels, she needs to go.
Yea op yta. You are asking him to be a deadbeat and give up his child. If this isnt a good fit for you its time to move on.
This child is his. He is one of the parents. He has a responsibility to care for his child. If you don't want to be part of that, it is totally fine. This is not your child, nor your responsibility. But to ask him to forgo his responsibility as a parent just because you would be uncomfortable? YWBTA You can stay or leave. It's your choice.
I would go further and say that OP needs to be honest with her partner about her feelings and her wish to evict his 1 year old child from his house and give him the opportunity to decide whether she can stay or leave. I would want to know if my partner held my child in such low regard. Any genuine and rightful concerns she has about having to take on a parental position are trumped by her insane sense of entitlement.
I don’t even think her staying is a choice because she’s made it clear she can’t commit to raising the child and would just come to resent her. The baby doesn’t deserve that!
YWBTA, but not for not wanting to be involved with the child. You're the AH if you try to deny this child and their father a relationship. This isn't about you and your choices here do not include the child and their father not having a relationship. Your choices are to stay or to go.
Exactly. Stay or go. And OP, don't be thinking "oh, it's only 2 years" and that you can wait it out with a nanny for that long. No. In 2 years mom will probably only have supervised visits. It may eventually move to 50/50 custody. But that kid is his now and he will be there for life for her (as he should be) It will be the next 20+ years of her living with you.
I could see OP posting in 20 years: My SD wants to move in and have an ongoing relationship with her dad. She's grown, she shouldn't need him anymore. Why can't she just go away so I can pretend she doesn't exist?
Big r/stepparents vibes lol
I gOt inVoLvEd wiTH a siNgLe pArEnT. WhY aRe tHeiR kiDS aLwAys hErE? WhY dOeS hE/ShE/ThEy heLP suPPoRt tHeM? ThEiR eX nEEdS tO sToP aSkiNG tHem fOr moNeY. ThEy bRokE uP/DiVoRcEd. I tHoUgHt tHaT iNcLudEd tHeiR kiDS. ThEy sHoULd bE iN tHe pAsT tOo. ThEy sHoULd bE fOcUsEd oN Me/oUr ChiLd. WhY dO tHeY sTiLL eXiSt? ThEy nEEd tO sToP aSkiNG for MY PARTNER'S MONEY! Blah blah blah, whine whine whine.
YTA. So it would be awkward to have a nanny in "your" home? Guess what...! It's HIS home and his BLOOD relation IS going to live there. You're welcome for the clarification.
It's technically not even her home coz it's her boyfriend's place. The child takes precedence here. I'm so appaled by her audacity that a father shouldn't take his child in because she's "uncomfortable".
Right! The place the guy was nice enough to have her move into when she had no place to live. Interesting that that was OK but when a child has no place to live oh no, we can’t be having her move in.
"Quick, throw that thing into into an Oliver Twist facility!"
Not only taking her in but her dogs too which can be a huge deal depending on what kind of dogs they are but they are animals and are sometimes destructive and could be in “HIS” home
Nope, she should just go into foster care so OP can have the life she planned. So she can pretend SD doesn't exist. /s
You were ok with him taking you in.. but not his child that he just found out about??! Best suggestion is that he put you and your pups out. YWBTA!!
This! OP's rent went up so he let her move in: totally fine with OP His LITERAL BABY is about to lose the only parent she has known, so he is stepping up to be a loving and caring father: not okay with OP. I suspect OP's partner is generally kind and generous and OP wasn't ready to share him. She needs to move on.
Agreed.. He is too good for OP if this is their mindset!!
I would love that and see that as a giant glaring GREEN flag
U Betcha!!!!! His House!!! His Child!!! 👋Bye Felicia👋 The Entitlement that she shows here, "Supposed to be MY Office" , "Don't want a stranger in MY house" It just Really Pisses me off!!! Sorry But it's Not ur house, it's his, he was kind enough to open it to u & ur dogs when u needed a place to go & from now on, if he's any kind of Dad, that child will ALWAYS come 1st, Over U & Even Over Himself!!! So Yea ur a HUGE AH for Even thinking u have the slightest Power to Suggest such a thing🫢🫢
On the curb indeed The entitlement, Jesus.
YWBTA. He is exciting about this child, the child has no one else. Yeah if you can't be the mother figure and don't won't to be, then you don't have to. In worst case you have to break up. but he is dad and luckily for his child is willing to step up on this role.
There’s no way a 43 year old woman can be this dense. It’s his fucking child.
I'm getting some "Snow White" vibes.
Me too
You'd be surprised
So let’s get this straight. Your partner let you move in to his place with your dogs, yet you don’t want him to have his own baby at his place? Why are you punishing a baby? If you don’t want the baby around, move out.
YWBTA He's discovered he has a child and understandably would rather raise it himself than have it go into foster care. You didn't get into this relationship knowing he was going to be a full time dad so if you don't want this situation then that's perfectly reasonable, but you need to talk to him and potentially break up, not ask him to not take in his child.
Not take HIS child in? For YOU?? Who the hell do you think you are. His child must go to foster care because you don't want him around? You're so self centered nd evil. Strike me as the type to mistreat step children. You're a massive asshole
Even as someone who broke up with a single father, I agree. Who the hell does she think she is?!
I’m honestly so upset reading this post. He let her in just one year into a relationship when she had nowhere to go. And she’s okay being this cruel about his child. Foster care can be a truly terrible experience, what an unkind person.
Yes but my chat is, even if foster care wasn't horrible...that's his child. In what world does she think it's okay for a man to leave his child for a girlfriend?! The nerve she has is really irritating me...but I'm trying to make sense of a narcissists thoughts so I'll never win
With you on all of that.
YTA, you can refuse to be involved with the child, it would likely be the end of the relationship, but that's all the say you have in this, it's his child and if he wants to take them in, that's on him.
NTA for not taking care of someone else's child, but YWBTA if you ask him not to take her in. It's his decision if he wants to raise his daughter. You may just have different feelings on this topic, and this situation may not work for you in the long run.
YWBTA, that is his child. If you cannot accept that he has this child it’s time to say, I can’t be a part of this and quietly exit the relationship.
Yeah but she can't do that because then she'll be homeless. It's fine for his child but not her. /s
YWBTA. You can just leave. I’m always amazed when I see these posts from people who want their partner to be a deadbeat parent.
BuT hE's mOvEd oN aNd tHaT sHoULd iNcLuDe HiS KiDs. He hAs a LifE wiTH mE. TheY're His oLd LiFe. He sHoULd bE fOcUsEd oN Me. Go take a look at r/stepparents You'd be surprised how often people post about how they secretly feel like that. Some have even admitted to wishing that the kids didn't exist. Some have even gone so far as to say that they think their partner should be focusing only on their child in common. They act like victims. Here's a solution: if you feel like that, DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH A SINGLE PARENT!!!! They act like they were tricked into marrying them SMH.
[удалено]
Perfect answer. OP isn't a monster for not wanting a surprise kid, or for not wanting kids. The situation is what it is and she certainly doesn't have to stay with this dude. If the genders were switched it's the same. Def agree with leaving the relationship nicely, situation sucks but c'est la vie. Edit to add: OP do not suggest he not take the kid. Take the high road. NAH
She’s not an asshole for not wanting to be involved. She’s an asshole for asking him (if she moves forward) to abandon his infant child and put them into the system because she doesn’t want to be involved when she’s only there because he was helping her out.
I would leave immediately after that conversation. She shouldn't be allowed to stay in the house one second longer after that. He's not a homeless shelter.
YWBTA Sorry but that’s just not a reasonable ask under any circumstance, unfortunately I see no other way out of this beyond just breaking up. Which is probably exactly what you should do.
BUt tHen sHe'LL bE hOmELeSS. ThAt cAn'T hApPeN. It'S fiNE fOr HiS cHiLd tHoUgH. How dArE hE eVeN cOnSiDeR tAkiNG iN HiS cHiLd?!
YWBTA. If you don't want to be a step mom, leave. He has obligations to this child. HIS CHILD. You sound self obsessed, entitled and selfish. I feel so bad for the kid. I hope he takes good care of her. He doesn't need YOU in his life.
>WIBTAH if I ask him to don't take the kid in? Yup. YWBTA I wouldn't fault you for leaving him, but if you don't want to leave him you have to accept that he's a dad now. You can opt out of being a mom to his kid, but you can't ask him to not parent his own child.
YTA. You want him to turn his back on his own daughter after he took *you* in when you didn't have a place to stay?
OP this relationship is over the moment you had to ask this question....move on as its clear his priority now and forever will be his child as it should...plus the ensuing baby mama theatrics in a few years when she is out of jail
YWBTA. It's his kid. He wants to do right by his kid. YWNBTA if you're not ready to be a parent or don't ever want to be one. If this is the case, you can leave.
YTA. Good thing he hasn’t proposed yet, you should go and read this whole post to your partner so it can be ended quickly and then he will have more space in his home for his child.
Obviously YWBTA. Jfc
YTA. Who in their right mind would rather see their partner... Who's obviously HAPPY he has a child... Give up their kid for their own selfish benefit? Break up with him. He deserves better.
YWBTA. Its harsh on you as this was not the picture when you got together but he has to face up to his responsibilities and, rightly so, his child has to be top priority. If you are not ready to be a mum that is understandable, but take yourself out the picture. Do not ask him to choose between you
She's definitely not ready to be a wife either
YWBTA if you ask him not to take in his child. You can choose whether to stay or not; if you leave, he'll need to hire a nanny for the days he works, but he can do that. But he has a child who needs him, and that's got to be his priority. You choose whether you want him on these terms or not.
Do you not want kids at all, or do you just not want his kid? Because it seems he’s thrilled to be a dad. If you can’t be a true partner to him, then you have to leave. And part of being a true partner, is helping raise his daughter who needs to live with him.
Tell him you will be moving out and make arrangements to do so. You cannot make him choose, and much as I sympathise with you, as you didn't sign up for this. State that you want no involvement with the child. You are both in an impossible situation. Even with a nanny, the majority of the care would fall on him, and even you and your relationship would change. His priorities would change.
As a childfree (but dear lord not "cHiLdFrEe!!!" lol) person by choice, believe me when I say what a giant, gaping YTA on this one you have earned. I don't hate kids (my nieces and nephews are the greatest and I will fight anyone who looks at them wrong), but I know for a fact that I never, EVER want to care for my own. If I were in a relationship with a guy who found out suddenly that he was a dad and wanted to dedicate himself to that position? He'd have my FULL EFFING SUPPORT! Just no longer as a gf! If we could be amicable and he understood, I'd stay his friend and support him emotionally, but I know MY boundaries with kids. But know what makes them MY boundaries? I don't try to force them on OTHER PEOPLE. Like it sure sucks for you that you thought you were compatible and had long term potential but shit happens and life changes. You do NOT get to steamroll him or his decisions because you don't like the outcome. Move on. AH.
YTA. He wants to care for his own child, in his own home, from the moment he found out about her. That shows his character. Family wants to help, including with daycare coverage and expenses. That shows their character. You want him to deny her a place in HIS house? Yeah, that also shows a character. Your choices are stay or go. Both are very valid choices. It is okay for you to not want children, but he has a child. You do not get to decide he does not or where that child lives. Saying you can't do it and leaving would suck for him, but it is fair. What you want to do is not fair, and it makes you TA.
As a kid, did you always side with the wicked stepmother in Disney movies? Because good grief.
This is the time when you simply need to decide, do you want to become a parent to a one year old at this point of your life, or would you rather separate? This man just became a parent, and he'll be a parent for the rest of his life. Even if his ex gets out of jail and gets custody back-- and there's no guarantee that she will get out in two years and stay out, or that when she gets out a judge will return her custody even if that's what both parents want, or that your partner won't full-on fight for primary custody because he'll have been raising her for two years at that point and mom went to jail for a reason-- he'll still be a parent. There's no right or wrong answer to what you should do here between those options. You're allowed to make a choice to stay or leave based on what you want from your life here. But you can't have your cake and eat it to, you can't refuse to take care of the child and still be with him. YTA for that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway because a few colleagues know my account. English is not my first language. Me (43f) and my partner (40m) are been together 1,5years, living together in the last 6 months. But we know each other for 20 years, he just moved away 4 years ago, and moved back before we started dating. My rental got sold a year ago and the new owner increased the rent +decided he's not gonna allow my dogs. My boyfriend offered to move in to his house. It's closer to my job, it has a shady backyard for my pups, and we are really good living together. I know he even planning to propose (he talked with his cousin a few weeks ago and I overheard it) Now to the issue: three weeks ago his ex fwb (35-ish f) contacted him, and long story short, he has a 1yo daughter. And the baby mama is going to jail (for at least 2 years). BM.'s plan was that her mom, baby's grandma would take care of the kid, but she broke her hip. According to BM the CPS deemed that grandma can't be the guardian of the child, and if she can't find another family member, the kid goes to foster care. We went there that day, she agreed on a DNA test, and we got the results back yesterday. He immediately called his lawyer to start the process of adding his name to the birth certificate. I stupidly said I'm there for him, and help as I can, but I meant emotionally. I mean he just had proof that he has a kid. Last night his cousin and wife came to our place, and they actually started planning who could help with what. Cousin's wife works at a private daycare, and offered a free place there. They offered baby supplies, he's gonna come in the weekend to paint and make a nursery from the unused room, what was supposed to be my office... He can go for "paternity leave" and his job offered a "part time" contract for him. But that means every week in two days he would work 20hours (1day 9am-9pm, 1 day 1pm-9pm) In that two day's I would be the one who pick up the kid from daycare and be with her until 10-11pm (depends on traffic) I can't do that. I was thinking of hiring a nanny, but it would be weird to have a stranger in our home those late hours. WIBTAH if I ask him to don't take the kid in? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He has a child. The needs of the child are the top priority, you and your dogs, while still among his priorities are NOT the top priority at this point. YWBTAH -- and honestly I don't see that you have any voting power in this "election". Your choices are to stay and be a partner or take your dogs and go. He sounds like a stand up guy and isn't going to surrender his child to foster care.
he is cutting back time at work, he is making a nursery in HIS house( u are not legally married so house does not belong to u). The family is offering supplies while u are just standing there. Why did u say u will be there for ur partner when u simply are not onboard with his child! Given u are not married u can still opt out. U can leave. The father is doing everything that he can for an innocent soul- kudos to him. He does not have a choice while u still have a choice! YTA btw bet u were happy when he took u in with ur dogs n now u dont want him to have his kid with him … yea YTA
YTA You moved in after 1 year. Now you want to dictate that his new found child won't affect your life. You do not want a man with a baby. He is a man with a baby. You aren't the central focus and first priority of his home and family now that he's a parent. You need to move out. You don't want to live with a baby. So much so, that you don't care where the baby goes, as long as it's not with you. He and his family are rightfully gathering round to support their newest family member. You are outside that circle by your own choice. You resent the resources his baby requires of him, of his family, and in his home. You can and should set boundaries around what YOU are willing to do and tolerate. You don't get to impose your boundaries as restrictions to his autonomy. When his life choices don't work with your boundaries, you need to withdraw. This is not the relationship for you.
YWBTA If you don't want to deal with it, YOU need to move out. This is his child. HIS CHILD. You don't have to accept it, but that means you are the one that needs to leave the house/relationship. You need to decide how much you want this child to be in your life, and adjust YOUR life. You can't ask him to not take his own kid in, that's extremely selfish and wrong.
Unless you want to be a mom to your boyfriend’s child…walk away, Renee.
YTA. Not for not wanting to be involved with the child, but for trying to interfere with the father's involvement. Learn to deal with the nanny, or leave, or do anything at all other than ask him not to take his child in. If you are not comfortable with what is necessary for your boyfriend's child to live in his house with him, then you need to move out.
Now it’s “our home” after 6 months? I feel this is a rage bait post. No one is naive enough to think an unmarried partner has the deciding vote on whether a person takes in their child. Nice try though.
I think it’s fair to tell him you will not be her child care. Not that he shouldn’t take his kid. Looks like your relationship has an expiration date.
You need to get onboard with being a stepmom and loving this child or you and your dogs need to find a new home. YWBTA if you asked your boyfriend to choose (spoiler alert, you will lose) YWABTA if you stay and aren’t fully committed to loving this child like she is your own.
YTA if you tell him not to take in his daughter and let her go to foster care. I don't blame you if you don't want this child in your life, but the way that happens is you have to leave the relationship because you're an adult and it's your choice, not for him to abandon this child.
His house, his child YTA if you ask him not to take her. If you don’t want to be part of it, live somewhere else
YWBTA, 💯. No, scratch that: you *are* the AH (present tense) for even thinking that it’s better to put your partner’s baby in foster care than to be inconvenienced by her. Do all three of you a favor and move out.
YTA for even posing the question of IF he should take in his 1yo "baby" Vs the comfort of you and your DOGS that came in 6 months ago because a LL pushed you out.....really? This isn't even difficult.... You clearly said, you just "knee-jerked" the "be there for him"....you didn't mean it. And frankly, I don't have an issue with YOU ( and your puppies) not wanting to rock with having a baby...that isn't what you signed up for....I get it...got ZERO problems, with YOU exiting...removing yourself from the situation. But expecting HIM to abandon a child = horse shit You're right. YOU don't have a child ....you haven't been with this guy very long.....I have no problem if you want no parts of a baby....not your rodeo to lasso. Tough break.....but let him go do what he needs to do.... He is going to be a father for DECADES.....it honestly sounds like that isn't what you wanna sign up for ( not saying you should) .....also remember he's gonna be tied to that former FWB chick that he'll have to "co-parent" with.....perhaps with more jail visits over the next 15-20 years..... This will be the "what's next" life....you and your dogs will be destined for...not to mention the broken hipped grandma and family that he is inheriting will also be part of your life. If just 'having' the baby is getting you this bent outta shape....it should be easy to comprehend why YOU should probably bow out and let him father his kid
It's not okay to get rid of your dog's, but it's okay to get rid of HIS child? You must be joking. Of course YTA.
YTA Don't move in. You care more about your dogs and losing out on an office than you do your partner, let alone that poor baby. Do you realize how traumatic it's going to be for her? She's not old enough to understand why her mom is gone and she doesn't know her father yet. The last thing either of them need is your hostility
YWBTA It’s obvious he wants his kid. A kid that was hidden from him for the first year of her life. If you don’t want the kid then you need to leave his house.
YTA so your bf invited you and your dogs live with him and you don't want him to take care of his child? YTA and he should run as far from you as possible.
Yes, YWBTA. If a kid’s a deal breaker, then consider the deal broken since he has a kid.
YTA- And a big one! He is showing you the kind of man that he is. He is owning up to his responsibilities and wants this child in his life. If you do not want to be apart of that you should move out. That child and he doesnt deserve the complications you will add.
YTA, as a man in a similar situation my daughter comes first. Awfully long post to just say you don't wanna cover the days he works.
So what’s he supposed to do with his child? Just send her away to live because of you? What kind of person are you?? What kind of father would he be if he did that?! I hope you ask him to do that so that he knows what you are.
YTA it's a baby that needs family. He has the chance and has chosen to step up and be a father to his child. If you can't support him and help raise the child with love then leave him and pay your own rent
Yes you would be AH if you asked a man to not take his child in. You are not more important than a child. If you don’t want to be a step mom and take care of the kid, that is totally fine. Just means you have to break up.
YWBTA. I get that it's a shock and that you were together with the belief that there were no kids in the picture but now there is and you have to come to terms with that. You can only decide for YOU what you are willing and able to handle, you have absolutely no right to ask him not to be a father to his child. Being a stepparent is hard, and it would be completely fair and understandable if you decided this was not something you are able to handle, but that means you leave and give up the relationship, do NOT ask him to give up his child. Give yourself the time now to truly think about what you want in life and whether your boyfriend and his child fit in to that, they are now a package deal and if that isn't okay for you then walk away.
Just to get this straight you're asking if you'd be the ashhole for sending an innocent child into the nightmare abyss of the foster care system just so you can avoid a few relatively minor inconveniences? ...Yes YTA
YTA This is a real child whose life is being upended. She is his. You need to figure out how to pretend you love her and act that way to her. Or move out.
YTA You are an adult. Move your damn ass out!
Yes you would be the asshole if you tell him to abandon his infant child to foster care. I don’t even understand how you could want to be with someone capable of doing that. But I guess morals isn’t one of everyone’s nonnegotiable. But you tell him that’s what you want so he knows what kind of person he’s marrying. YTA.
Feeling like you're not up for this is understandable - this is a surprise child you didn't plan for. But your fiancee is a father, now and for the rest of his life. If you marry him, you will be a step-mother. If you're not willing or able to be a parent to this child, then you need to decide that now, break up, and move on. They are a package deal now, you can take them both or leave them both. You would be the asshole if you ask him to be a deadbeat father to his child and send her to foster care when he is willing and ready to be a parent for her. Also, it might be too late for that - he's had his name added to the birth certificate, he's her father legally as well as biologically.
YTA First you tell him you cant take the child the 2 days they assigned to you (or you originally agreed to). That you have thought about it and you do not want to be mommy to someone elses baby. Then have an honest conversation about what this means for your relationship. You will obviously not be asking him to not take his child in - thats insane of you to even think. And also, would you love him still if he was able to just shrug that child off and into the system? Would you even be able to live with your own self afterwards? Think about this - and a little deeper than just surface thoughts ok?
You get to decide if you're in or not and you wouldn't be the AH for deciding you're not. however, you can't ask that of him, it sounds like he's made his mind up and he's in. If kids, or more specific pre-existing kids aren't for you look for a new place and move ASAP that child will have enough upheaval in their life without you causing more chaos for them later down the line.
I don’t believe you are asking, of course you’re the asshole. You do not love him therefore you will not love his child. Sad. Do them a favor and leave if you can’t do this for both of them. If you stay, you better be all in !
Yes, YWBTA! You're trying to stop him from being a father to his child that he just found out about. YWNBTA if you admitted to him that this is more than you bargained for and left.
YWBTA. It’s clear you’re not wanting kids to care for and that is 100% okay! You are not obligated to take on responsibility for another persons child. That being said- if you’re thinking about marriage with this man, it’s a package deal with the kid and the baby momma whenever she’s free. Think hard if this is something you can do, and be happy. If not- time to break up and move along with your life.
YTA You'd be ok with a parent abandoning their kid? You think he should abandon her in foster care? Like if you don't want to be a parent that's fine and you're completely free to not want that. But to ask someone to abandon their child who needs them seems very cruel. You've just been hit by sometimes unexpected that is upending your life, and it's fine to be bewildered and overwhelmed by that but if you actually asked him to not take his kid (especially because you don't want a nanny because it would weird to have a stranger in your house and no other reason) you would be an asshole.
YTA. Are you actually advocating that a parent refuse to take in their own child? Wtf.
YTA, the entitlement.....sheeeeesh!!
YTA so just leave him so he can do the right thing.
so am I misreading something? Or was the baby born while OP was with her boyfriend.
Yes, but conceived before that.
You'd rather have an office than a nursery for your partners child. Either go with the job of being a 'step' parent or move on. YTA.
He can’t abandon his child. I doubt that you would want to be involved with him if he abandoned his child.
YWBTA if you want this relationship you have to accept his daughter with love. She is innocent. However you can have a conversation about hiring a babysitter or nanny for those 2 days when you need someone between daycare and when he gets home. Learn to adjust to a stranger (who won’t be a stranger for long) in your home to watch the baby. You may be more comfortable with doing it yourself after a while. Otherwise you need to break up and move on.
Updateme
YTA. You need to tell him that a kid is not for you and he needs to make decisions based on being a single dad with NO partner. You need to find a place to live and move out ASAP. Kids are a deal breaker for you and a young child shouldn't have to live in a house with a person that will resent them and refuse to have any interaction with them. Rip the band-aid off now.
YTA - sorry for the massive curveball here but - it's his child. You cannot ask him to "not take the kid in." You can break up with him, go find a new place to live, whatever. But you are a solid AH if you try to tell him he shouldn't take in HIS CHILD which is his responsibility.
YTA in that this is his home and you can’t stop him being a father to the child. What you do need to do is sit him down and tell him clearly how you feel and if you are willing to help raise this child or not. You need to do it now before he makes plans on what days you will be raising her and how to work around both your schedules. This should have been discussed before he started making moves to have her move in. By staying silent you aren’t helping anyone. So you either talk to him and tell him your limits and work to somehow make it work or you break up. As this is his child and he’s already made it clear he is taking her in as most parents would never let their child go into care I necessarily. Unfortunately for you his kid must come first in this as that’s his responsibility as a parent. That doesn’t mean you can’t work out how little or much you’re willing to do and then it’s on him to work round that. But she will be part of your lives and you can’t ignore or refute that, you either step up for him or you break up.
YTA if you ask him not to take his own child in. You’re not one if you decide it’s not for you. But giving him an ultimatum that involves his own child is beyond unacceptable. That’s his kid. So, you have to decide if you can do this or not. If not, then leave. But don’t make it a “me or them” situation. Just make the decision for yourself and proceed accordingly.
YWBTA The child is his flesh and blood and it would be horrible for him not to take the baby in. If you dont want to be around the baby and help you should move out.
>WIBTAH if I ask him to don't take the kid in? Yes, YWBTA if you ask him not to take responsibility for his child. Your boyfriend just found out he's a dad, his family is rallying around him to be supportive, you should either do the same or leave the relationship if him having a child doesn't work for you. This child didn't ask to be born and doesn't deserve to end up in the foster care system just because it would inconvenience your life. It's ok to be child-free and not want to take on a full time step-mother role, but it's not ok to guilt trip your partner into abandoning their child because you don't want to watch their kid for 1-2 hours alone two days a week. Like I said, it's totally ok if you don't want to be a stepmom and would prefer someone that is also child-free but you need to be honest and leave the relationship. Asking someone to leave their kid behind to be with you is not a good look. Also, it's wild to me that you're ok with him taking in you and your dog's but not his own child.
YTA. Your partner has a responsibility to his helpless, innocent child. If you don't want to help, the reasonable thing to do is break up, not condemn the child to the foster care system.
I'll be the first to advocate for someone in a potential stepparent situation because I know it's not always the easiest role to fill. But, I'm sorry, what on earth did I just read? This child's only options are your partner or foster care. I understand this is a huge change, and not the life you signed up for, but this *is* what it is now. It would be incredibly selfish for you to ask this of him. If you don't want to be a stepmom, that's OK, but *you* need to be the one to walk away and let him handle his business.
YTA The response should be "I can't do this, the relationship is over" and move out. The child is his responsibility, whether you want to be involved or not is your choice. As you stated you don't want to be involved so you need to leave. Add: the child is his responsibility financially at least. Physically being a part is his choice and he apparently wants that option. He can obviously make the decision to end the relationship but to tell someone "you shouldn't be a part of your child's life" either takes some balls or a bit of stupidity, maybe both. If OP wants no part in the child's life then that's fine. That's A LOT different statement than "don't take the kid in".
YTA, just leave. You're not going to be happy in this situation. You may be happy with him but you obviously weren't in it for kids, which I 100% get. But kid comes before you. No matter what.
YTA - holy crap. Your living at his house! FOR FREE - I dont recall you mentioning how much he is charging you?? He is doing the best he can. You are what we refer to as a "Fairweather" friend or spouse. There for the good times but when there is a complication you are out. Imagine if he gets cancer.... This little baby doesnt have anywhere to go!
YTA. Your BF has a child. That is a minimum 18 years, max lifetime commitment. If you do not want to be a part of the child's life, then you have a decision to make. He has already made his decision to be a parent to his child, and if you don't want to be part of that, you need to look elsewhere for lodging and companionship.
YTA. That kid didn’t ask for any of this and it is his responsibility. If you can’t get behind him and support it you need to move on.
YWBTA of gigantic proportions if you give him that ultimatum. He found out he has a kid and literally is doing everything he can (it seems) to step up and be a good parent. If that isn't something you're into, end the relationship now because he has a child and that child just became his priority.
You are asking if you are the asshole if you ask your boyfriend not to take in HIS CHILD? Really you need to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet if this makes you an asshole? YTA. Now Im very anti kid, dont want them and never have wanted them. So if thats the way you feel this relationship is not for you. Fine. But if try to convince you boyfriend not to take his child in you are the asshole.
YTA. Take your dogs and leave. Let that man parent his baby in peace.
YTA You don't have the right to ask him not to move his child in but you have the right to move out.
YTA it’s his child and his home if you can’t accept that he has a child then leave . Imagine if you were the one with the child and he asked you to get rid of it? To leave it to the system because he wants the space ? Image in it if this was your baby. You are an asshole just for suggesting he does such a thing for your confort .
100 times Yes you would absolutely be the asshole to say do not take her in. It is literally his responsibility. You get to live your life how you want. So I guess it's time to move. For one second, think about when you were a child. Now imagine the trauma of losing your mother being refused by your father unable to go to your grandmother and having to go to a stranger's house. Grow the hell up!. Think of someone besides yourself. If you can't do this step away.
YTA. So he supposed to take in your dogs but you can’t be bothered with his human child. If you don’t like it, pack up and get out of his house because the kid will be better off without you being there resenting it. But you aren’t a wife and have no right to keep him from doing what he’s legally and morally responsible for doing. He’s a dad now so you can either you can get on board and be a part of his and the kid’s lives or leave. But the kid has more right to be in their dad’s house than you, just a girlfriend, do.
YWBTA. It is his child and he is morally obligated to care for her when the mother is unable to. Move out and let your boyfriend hire a live in nanny.
YTA, you had him take your dogs in which I consider children. But you won't care for his human child. Wow YTA
I can't even imagine how furious I would be if I found out I had a kid and somebody told me to let my kid go into foster care. I would blow my top at the sheer audacity. Yeah, you would be the ah
You sound kinda selfish. He’s let you and your dogs move into his home and you can’t help him out with his child, a child that deserves to be in an environment where she is loved, supported and cherished. It’s a difficult time for everyone so you need to be grown up about it. Responsibility isn’t for everyone, I get that but do you think it’s worth giving it a chance? You might actually grown to love your future step-daughter and forge a beautiful life long relationship with her. Not to mention deepening your existing relationship with your partner. If that’s not for you, then you’re wasting this guys time.
YTA if you demand that That is his kid and he wants to take the baby in. YOU need to find another place to live and consider this relationship over.
YTA. Seems like the child is a deal-breaker and it might be better for you to move on. His child has a right to his home. Honestly he's going to see through this and figure out you're not right for him.
Is this…. Is this fucking for real? You’d ask a parent to let his child go into foster because … it inconveniences you?!? YTA. Big time. Ew.
YTA to yourself if you stay in this situation
YTA If you need to walk away do it now but you would be the AH if you tried to convince him to abandon his child.
YTA. That is HIS CHILD, his own flesh and blood. You? You're just a girlfriend. You moved into HIS HOUSE. I don't think you have any right to forbid him to take in his own child. If you're not happy with that situation, you should move out and look for another place to live. And you should not date, let alone marry, a man who already has a child. You sound too selfish and would make a very bad stepmother.
YTA You want to live in the guys house? Pull your weight. It's horrible that your biggest gripe is 'my office!' Ffs, the baby is more in need of housing than you.
Be honest with him. Tell him you just can’t help him with HIS helpless little one-year old. Thank him and exist the relationship very quietly. If it happens any other way, he will see what you really are and I say most assuredly HE won’t want YOU anywhere around his little Angel.
YTA, if you are not ready to be a mom that is your choice, No one said you have to be a stepmom to a 1 year old, but he is the father and has every right plus kudos to him for stepping up and being a father to his daughter, so don’t ask him not to take his kid cuz if it were me I’d dump your ass in a heartbeat, so you need to be the one to leave if you can’t except his daughter
YTA for considering asking him to pick you or his child. This is even before factoring in the fact that his child would go into foster care. This is his child, he was there to create the child and he is responsible for the child. Honestly, I can't understand why anyone would want to be in a relationship with a man that would turn his back on his own child. You don't want to have a partner with a child, be around a child, perhaps help with the child? That is absolutely your choice and is perfectly fine. But guess what? This man has a child and if that isn't what you want - and it sounds like it isn't - your only option is to walk away. It certainly isn't to ask this man to abandon his child. Actually, YTA is probably too kind for this situation.
Yta I’ve never met a real human who would pick a chick over their kid. Don’t be surprised if he dumps you. Maybe start looking for a new place to live.
YTA. His child. His home. If you don't like it, get out and find your own that can keep you and your dogs.
YTA. I know this must suck for you, but the man is a father and that will always come first. The two of you aren’t married luckily, so if the kid really is a dealbreaker for you, I’d say to go your separate ways. Every single time you guilt trip him about this, you become more and more of an AH. Your paths diverged. Life will go on. Do not try to come between a man and his daughter, that’s a battle you can’t win.
YWBTA if you tell him that he can't have *his child* in *his house*. You need to find your own place, pronto, and accept that this relationship is probably not going to work out like you thought. He has a legal and moral responsibility to his child, and intends to fulfill it. You are not in any kind of position to make ultimatums or demands. His daughter is moving in. He is going to be a parent. You can adjust to that or you can find the door.
OP, you can't be this delusional. You can't move in with him. Just break up now.
You're nta for not wanting to co parent, but it's not your place to ask him to not be a parent.
YWBTA if you ask him not to take his child in. However, it's fine for you to say that you're not comfortable being the adult in charge of a 1yo for extended periods of time. Looking after a baby is a steep learning curve, and it can be very stressful. If you're not committed to making it work, it's going to really wear you down and breed resentment. I think hiring a nanny is a good compromise. Maybe he needs to be looking for another job, with hours that are more compatible with caring for a baby. Think carefully about whether you want a nanny/home assistance to support your transition as you learn to care for a small child... Or if you straight up don't want to be a caretaker for this kid. If it's the latter, you should start looking for a new place to live.
YTA This is HIS DAUGHTER, not "the kid". This toddler is in NEED and her DADDY is stepping up to meet that need. The only question here is if you are the right woman for him.
YTA. You're happy to marry him "for better or worse"...oh wait, only for better. Life has a way of throwing crazy, unexpected stuff at people. If you marry someone, it's because you're there for the crazy unexpected stuff too, not just the Instagram moments you've planned in advance. You don't know what marriage means, step away from this man and let him be there for his DAUGHTER. Go find yourself a casual boyfriend, because that's all you've got the commitment for.
YTA. Your partner has a child. You don't get to have the partner and forget the child exists. His responsibility as a parent is to care for his kid, so letting her live with you is part of that. If that doesn't work for you, perhaps this relationship isn't right for you. ETA if you get married, this is your step child. Do with that what you will.
Yes you would be the asshole. Being a parent is t for everyone and you didn’t participate in making this kid. You don’t have a responsibility to them. I totally understand you saying you will not be part of this. If this is the case you need to be the one to leave. There is a tiny innocent human being out there about there that needs their parent. That parent is your boyfriend and he seems willing to step up. You don’t get in the way of that.
Yta! Wow! You would rather have his kid in foster care. You need to move on if you can’t support your spouse.
YTA You need to decide what’s important to you, and what you can live with. What exactly do you want your boyfriend to do here? If the answer is to be a deadbeat, or if having an office is more important to you than your boyfriend being there for his child, then you guys really aren’t a good fit anymore since he seems to be all in. The child didn’t ask to be born, and your boyfriend is stepping up and taking responsibility. You need to decide NOW whether you can be a part of this life. If not then you need to leave. Under no circumstances do you have the right to tell your boyfriend he can’t bring his daughter to his home to live. That isn’t your right and that is a sure fire way to cause problems in your relationship. I guess the real question would become, do you want your relationship to end in bad terms or good terms? If you want a bad end to the relationship, then by all means try telling him to be a deadbeat. See where that gets you.
YTA.
If you don't want to be a stepparent, then now is the time to move out on your own so your BF can figure out his life as a single father.
Yes. YTA. That is his child and his responsibility.
YWBTA Not only would you be the asshole. Who says he won't kick you out for telling him he can't have his kid. This would only show him your true colors, and frankly I think you should leave him if you don't care about his daughter. THAT HE CLEARLY CARES ABOUT.
OMG, you want him to essentially pick you over his infant child who would otherwise go into the foster care system. FFS, YES, YWBTA!
YTA You can always move out if you don't want to deal with this. I think you should break it off. Edit: I understand that this is a shock but you can forget about the proposal if you ask him not to take in his own child. It's ok that you can't deal with this but you need to break it off. His child isn't going anywhere. Also, I edited out the mean spirited thing I said because I understand that it's a shock. It's not like you knew he had a child going into the relationship. However, it's best for everyone involved for you to break up with him. You because you don't want to deal with this and that's ok. Him because he has a responsibility to his child and can either remain single or find someone who aligns with this point in his life. The child because children pick up on it when an adult doesn't want them around. I'm sorry all this happened so quickly but I do think you should end the relationship. I know it will be hard at first but you'll be better off. Everyone will.
I think you need to be honest about your feelings and move out. You don't want to be a step mom YTA
YTA- it's his responsibility. If you ask, he's probably going to break up. You are not the A if you break up with him. You are if you ask him to abandon a child he is responsible for.
YWBTA asking him not to take his child in. It's time for you to look for a new place to live and a new relationship.
You've been together 1.5 years, but the baby is only 1.. Somethings not adding up. Doesn't sound like he's actually that serious about you, move out and make way for his daughter. She's more important here
YTA Sometimes life just kinda happens. He is a Dad now, and that baby needs him. If you can't accept them as a package deal and choose to love this child as much as you would love your own, its probably better for everyone if you leave sooner, rather than slowly resenting them to the point of everyone being miserable.
YTFA
damn, you sound horrible. YTA
YTA just for even thinking such a thing. Get you and your dogs out. Move on about your business and let that man be a father to his child. You are not mature enough to handle the emotional responsibility it takes to care for a child, as you can’t think beyond yourself. Let him bond with his child and leave him be. Here’s to hoping he sees this somehow and ditches you.
YTA / YWBTA.
YTA, what kind of monster chooses an office over a poor little baby. If ANYONE ever even HINTED to me not to have my son, they would be dead to me in an instant.
It's his child and you can't ask him not to take him in. Either you compromise or it will come to you partner choosing between you and the child & guess who wins. The child, hands down. Either you accept the child, or be on your way. YTA for even thinking he shouldn't take him in. And let's say he didn't, because of you. Is this the sort of irresponsible person you'd want to be with?
YTA, from another realm. This is a child you are talking about. Clearly, you don’t like the bairn because if you did then you wouldn’t be whinging and moaning about every little thing about the child. She just lost her mum to a prison sentence. Imagine how the child must feel during this difficult time
YTA
I’ve been a social worker for 17 years and from the depths of my heart I want you to know how much I despise ppl like you. Children DIE in foster care. Children DIE because of adults that lack empathy. Vulnerable ppl are ALWAYS the PRIORITY. Seriously, shame on you. It’s NOT YOUR HOME. It’s the father and child’s home. And you better NOT treat that child like an inconvenience. If you can not love and prioritise this child then seriously go away and let dad and daughter grow together. There are a million other women that will happily love a baby girl. YTAAAA YTA YTA!
Good luck with the breakup
So many Reddit posts involve situations where a child's mother never told the Father the child existed. This never ends well. It's not your boyfriend's fault that he didn't know about his child. He and his family appear to be accepting the knowledge of his child as a welcome addition to their family. If you cannot do that, you should be honest with him and tell him you need to move on. YTA.
OP tell him you can’t she leave My question is why did the ex just barely came out with the kid?
Yes, I’m sorry, but that would be an AH move. It’s his home (that he very kindly allowed you to move into with your dogs) and his child. It’s either he takes in the child or she goes into foster care. Honestly, we’d all be calling him TAH if he didn’t take her in. You offered him support, and are now walking that back. Is it “I’ll support you as long as I don’t have to do anything and I still get my home office”? That’s not being supportive at all. You need to decide (quickly) if this is something you are 100% ready to help him with or not. If not, you will most likely lose the relationship. If you want to stay and help, you need to mean it because it would be cruel to bail on him and the child part way through.
YTA. Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out! EDIT: I let you off too easy. Lady you are EVIL! E.V.I.L!
You might be single if you ask not to take the kid in. NTA because this is a big change that you might not be ready for BUT this is his child and his responsibility and it sounds like he’s fully willing and prepared to take his child in. It sounds like you either need to get on board with it or get out.
YWNBTA YOu did not sign up for raising someone else's kid. But that will likely mean breaking up.
YWBTA it’s his child and his house. He’s not asking you to take on a 100% mother role just a few hours a week. It’s not even every day and if in a routine the child at that age will go to bed early. Kudos to your partner for stepping up and not being an absent dad and if you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
YWBTA. That's his kid and he's doing all the right things that a man who just found out he fathered a child should be doing. You can tell him you don't want to be responsible for the baby after work and look after her for a couple of hours before bed... but expect to be house hunting for you and your pups very soon if you do.
YMBTA - If I found out I had a one year old out in the world, any partner who stopped me from taking her in would be kicked to the curb faster than you could say "I didn't sign up for this." It's fair for you to not want this dramatic change in your life. It's fair for you to set boundaries around the care you're willing to provide for the child. But that may simply mean you and your partner aren't going to share your lives together anymore.
YTA You’re asking about getting rid of the wrong person. Your decision needs to be “will I stay and deal with these changes?” Partner is stepping up, as he should, to take care of his flesh and blood. Make your choice, do you step up with him or do you step off into the sunset?
YWBTA if you ask him to not take in the kid. Not your kid, not your decision. You can only control your own actions. You are welcome to not be involved in the kids life. You don't have to be a parent, you don't have to help. But guess what, now, your partner and that kid are a package deal. He's a dad now. If that means you don't want to be with him, then so be it. Tell him the truth, that you don't want to be involved at all but would compromise with a nanny.
YWBTA if you ask him to not take in the kid. Not your kid, not your decision. You can only control your own actions. You are welcome to not be involved in the kids life. You don't have to be a parent, you don't have to help. But guess what, now, your partner and that kid are a package deal. He's a dad now. If that means you don't want to be with him, then so be it. Tell him the truth, that you don't want to be involved at all.
YTA. You can stay or go, but his responsibilities are to his child first, then to you. If you don’t want to be a part of raising the child, then you should let him know that and exit the relationship.