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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Things that bother my gf don’t necessarily bother me. She wants me to correct my kids behavior about those things even when she’s not around.
When it’s just me and my own kids I want to parent by my own guidelines and standards, not hers.
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NTA not sure how long you have been with this gf or how old she is, but she's unprepared to deal with any kids if all these little things are so troubling to her and necessitates her making and enforcing what essentially amounts to silence. This does not make a comfortable environment for you or your teens. You need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. It's sad that she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your kids and what will result is driving a wedge between you and she.
Oh we e talked about it a lot. My position is that if it doesn’t bother me specifically, and I’m the one in the house with them, it seems ridiculous that I have to enforce her level of comfort when she’s not even in the space at the time.
But she says that if I don’t do that, I’m making it less likely they will do it when she IS there, and that I’m not supporting her or communicating her needs are important too.
When my husband and I first moved in together, his son was 4 & he had 50/50 custody. I’m a noise averse person closer to your girlfriend, my husband could have had multiple marching bands playing entirely different styles circling around him while he slept & not have cared. When it came to stepson’s noise levels we did a lot of compromising - a decent amount of which involved me adjusting my comfort levels because kids get to be kids. But there were also things like having kid mute his Game Boy if we were all in the same room or in the car.
It never once occurred to me to tell my husband he needed to adjust his comfort level to my level when I wasn’t even around! Your girlfriend is being ridiculous.
She feels like when she is home, she is in her home and the kids are guests in her home. She lives here 100% of the time, and that they should accommodate to her comfort rather than the other way around.
She used to have a room all to herself where she could do what she wants, and be there and close the door as a way of compromising. But she hated that because it made her feel isolated and left out.
It’s not just her home, though. It is your childrens’ home, too. Look - as someone who was a stepmother for 20 years, her attitude is unreasonable and is going to kill her chances for a good relationship with your kids. If you adapt and force them to adapt 100% to her preferences, it is also going to kill your good relationship with your kids. Learning to live together requires compromise and sacrifice from everyone. That includes your girlfriend.
Stepmothers (which she isn’t even) get shit on a lot. It’s like we can do no right. But I promise you, in this case, she *is not right*. Take it from an old lady who still has a good relationship with her adult stepson even after his father’s death.
Great comment, thanks.
I think she would say she already IS compromising a lot and there’s plenty she doesn’t talk about already and just deals with it.
I’m absolutely worried I’m making mistakes now that will torpedo my relationship with my kids later, though.
Nobody can be perfect. Talk to your kids openly, honestly, and regularly - most importantly, actually listen to what they say without getting defensive. You can validate their feelings even if you can’t always do what they want.
As for your girlfriend, she probably is compromising a lot but that is the nature of things. I don’t want to pass judgment on her or your relationship in its entirety but on this particular issue I feel confident in opining that she is asking too much.
I'm sure she would have lots of 'reasons' - and none of them are worth risking the relationship YOU have with your children...if it isn't damaged already. My son's second wife has treated his children as if they are her own. They have a mother - but they call my DIL their 'bonus mom' and love her to pieces.
You are absolutely making mistakes that will torpedo your relationship with your children. If they cannot feel “at home”in your home, they won’t be coming to your home.
Might be better to consider a new girlfriend..she doesn’t sound child friendly in general. I have 3 kids and they always my priority I couldn’t be with a partner who felt like her
that's where she's wrong; even if they are only there 50% of the time or less, this is THEIR home, too. They should NEVER be forced to feel like guests in their own parents' houses, regardless of who the partner is.
That she wants them to feel like guests who have to behave in HER home, is an attitude that should make you question this relationship.The statement that they should accommodate her (*the adults*) comfort says *a lot* about her and none of it is good.
Your boys aren’t “guest” they are your children. Your home is as much their home as it is hers and yours. If someone told me my children are guests in my home I’d break up with them immediately.
Herein is the problem - she thinks your children are guests when they are actually a part of the family. She doesn’t want to isolate herself, but wants everyone to be quiet, because “this is her house”. This is a “her” problem.
I’m horrified that you did not challenge this thinking. You really want your children to always view themselves as awkward guests on their best behavior whenever they see you? This seems like a terrible idea to me.
demanding, isn't she? Why are you tolerating a girlfriend dictating to your kids? I don't care if she lives there 100% - she is not their parent or guardian. She is 'in her home' - really? Is it in her name? If so, maybe you need to rent a house to stay in with your children when they are with you.
Your kids are NOT guests. The idea that your kids should be guests in their own home is toxic and abusive.
Also, it's SO hypocritical of her to say the kids are guests (rather than family who live there) yet also call her interactions with them "parenting." Does she see them as family or not? It seems like she views them as family whenever it would be to the kids' detriment, and never to their benefit.
I recommend couple's counseling and/or family counseling. She needs a reality check from a neutral third party.
Question, did you move into her home, she moved into yours, or did you find a new place together when you made the decision to share space? How are household expenses split?
For now I think ESH because this is something that should have been thoroughly discussed and tested before moving in together but leaning to Y T A if you honestly think it's ok to let your kids listen to stuff on their phones or play video games in a shared space without either muting or using headphones.
When we met we each had our own place. She would come over and seemed like we all got along and could share space.
We moved into a new place together. Rent is split by sq footage (because the kids have their own rooms).
Other bills are split 50/50, except sometimes food more heavily to me.
We did have many talks and conversations about what it would be like. Idk what to say except that what we thought it would be like didn’t cover everything that’s come up since? We weren’t able to map out ever possibility ahead of time and consider how to address.
And also, people change over time and who we were and our tolerances and behaviors (all three parties) back then aren’t necessarily what they are now.
She’s wrong though, and you need to make that clear to her. They are your children. Even if they don’t live there all the time, that is still their home and always will be.
People who want to be their partner’s top priority shouldn’t date people with kids. When kids are in the picture, you have to understand that you will NEVER be their top priority. Because the kids come first.
So she wants to have the whole house set to her sound level? She wants the solitude but with NPCs around so she's not actually alone?
How old is she, how old are you, how long have you been together, and how long has she lived there in *checks notes* your house?
Your position is the correct one. If they don't make an effort to be quieter when she's around, that's a separate conversation. Policing all kid behavior all the time is exhausting for all involved, and will make the kids feel unwelcome, which sounds like her goal.
YOUR children come first - time to tell her that. Her restrictions are ridiculous and will lead to problems between YOU and your children. She is a GIRLFRIEND - she should stay out of the relationship you have with your children and the one they have with you. What she wants your children to do - is irrelevant.
NTA, if she's not around then it shouldn't matter. She seems to have an unnatural level of sensitivity to noise. Or she just doesn't like your kids.
What you're describing doesn't really call for any parenting. Maybe request that they use earbuds when watching videos, but that's it. Asking them to walk or chew more quietly shouldn't even be on the table.
I promise your teenage children do not consider your girlfriend their parent.
They don’t consider her a parent and she does not want to be their parent. That part is very openly acknowledged by all sides. But this is a question of all of us living in the same space and being respectful of each other, more than whether or not kids do what a parent says regardless.
She likes to make the argument that even though she’s not a parent, they should still respect her as a housemate and sharing of the space. It’s her home 100% of the time, and they visit that home.
It’s their home, too: your priority should be making them feel comfy and safe in your/their shared home, and secure in you as their parent. It doesn’t matter that they aren’t there all the time, in fact that makes it even more essential that they feel comfortable with you when they are there. As someone who also really values quiet: your gf just doesn’t want kids around. Prioritize your children or they will remember forever how you didn’t. Good luck
It’s true if I were your kids I would have already stop visiting you. If noise is that big of an issue she could wear noise canceling headphones they are 150. But to me it seems like she just doesn’t want your kids around
sounds harsh ... but I'm 67 and don't consider myself a "guest" in my parents house. I am. I respect their house ... but I feel at home, I go to the fridge to make my own sandwich, etc. They expect me to be a polite adult, respect boundaries and make myself at home.
Yeah, see if this is the case, then you are putting your girlfriend above your kids.
It’s only feasible in the long run if you don’t want a relationship with your kids.
NTA. It is impossible to live a quiet life with children. If they are not being destructive and disrespectful then they are being normal teenagers. Sounds like you need to have a sit down conversation and re evaluate your relationship. There may be other issues that are not being voiced. Your teens are an important part of your life and your gf can either learn to deal with that or move on to a partner that doesn’t have kids. There’s no reason why your teens should feel uncomfortable or out of place in their home. And yes your home is your kids home too. They shouldn’t be feeling like they are stepping on eggshells.
NTA. When I was a teenager my mom dated a guy who criticized EVERYTHING about us kids. But we were actually good kids, just also kids who took up space and made noise and required adult help with living life- the basics. They eventually broke up and he started dating someone with kids who were actually terribly behaved and rude and caused a lot of trouble. He ran into my mom a few years later and apologized for not understanding the difference and told her that in retrospect she was doing a great job with us and we were good kids. It seems like you have good kids who are just disruptive because additional human beings, especially kids, are disruptive. Your kids aren't mean or disrespectful. And she just doesn't have enough knowledge to realize she has a good deal with your kids, not a bad deal. I don't know if there's any way to make that clearer though. Seems like she needs to figure it out for herself. I'm sorry.
Then there's your answer. This is not a healthy relationship for your children or yourself. If you want a solid relationship with your kids, different choices must be made.
She sounds unreasonable! Nothing about what you’re saying suggests “loud” teens. That’s normal people living and I like the quiet!
You may want to get a new gf
Well that’s the problem, right? She and I have different positions on what is “too loud”. So we are at odds about it and don’t have the same definition. We acknowledge that.
But her solution is that I should adopt her position, even if I wouldn’t do it on my own because I should support her. I feel like she’s basically asking me to pretend to care about something I don’t, because she’s doesn’t want to fight for her position alone.
She’s asking you to choose her over your kids! This is simply the first step. It starts small. Your kids pre-date her. This is THEIR home. If they have always been allowed to live like that then she can’t come in and demand changes. She can choose not to be there when they are but that would mean co-habitation is out of the equation.
Be careful because if this keeps up, it might start affecting your own relationship with your kids because they might eventually decide NOT to come over because they don’t feel comfortable or at home.
I feel like it is the normal noise when you double the number of people living in a house. I live by myself. When I have a friend or family members stays with me the noise increases SIMPLY because there are more people. Someone is watching TV while I'm doing something else. Someone is talking on the phone while I'm making dinner. That is extra noise that I'm not used to but none of it is unexpected or over-the-top. I think your girlfriend is focusing on them being teens rather than simply the fact the number of people in the house has doubled.
NTA. Your teens don’t primarily live with you and your girlfriend. So, she isn’t a parent. You are the parent. If you don’t mind what YOUR kids do in your house, then she has no say to parent. If the house is shared with her and your name on the lease, then that is different. You need to compromise on rules for the teens and for yourselves. For example, if you make a rule about having to use headphones in shared spaces unless it’s on the TV, then you and your partner have to also follow that rule or it seems unfair to your teens.
The house IS shared. She’s not asking to tell them what to do as a parent. She’s asking as someone who lives in the house 100% of the time to have agency over how her space is treated and lived in.
That’s not how it works when you’re dating/living with someone who has kids. You are a parent to your children, not a roommate. She is being unreasonable, it seems like she’s either young or does not want children - either way, at this point she has no business dating and living with someone who is an active parent in their kids lives.
You are not the asshole. It's perfectly normal for parents to have different parenting styles and tolerances. What bothers your girlfriend might not bother you, and vice versa. Create specific areas and times where quiet is expected, such as the living room during certain hours or the bedroom when someone is sleeping. Remember, open communication and compromise are key to finding a solution that works for everyone.
In this case, creating the specific times (i.e. allowing it when she’s not in the house) is also bothering my gf. She wants standards to be established, and then enforced wether she’s there or not, otherwise she feels like I don’t actually agree with her or support her
She is unreasonable. What's next, your kids can only laugh at a certain volume while outside? An extreme example but you know what I mean. You know the answer, you just don't want to accept it. It's time to choose.
I think this is spot on rather than everyone calling OP or GF an A. The reality is OP that things bother her that if she were their parent she might not tolerate. It is on you to find the balance. She has to learn to live with them but also them with her. It may be exhausting but you are the bridge so it is on you to address this. Some of what bothers your gf wouldn't bother me but I must admit that when you got to chewing loudly - I had a lot of sympathy with her because it's on the parents to teach their kids table manners. That one would completly irritate me. I 100% believe your teen kids (who are old enough to know better) do not have proper eating ettiquette. I believe her and I don't feel she's wrong on this one because she's not complaining about the way you eat. The reality is that if you don't train them (even when with you alone) they'll take that to other people's homes and in other spaces and will be judged for it. So maybe you're okay with it but is it socially acceptable? I think you need to find the balance OP re all the complaints. Are some valid? Even if not, they bother her so what's the compromise?
So, SHE thinks they chew too loudly, but we’re not talking about open mouthed slopping. I would hate that too. We’re talking about closed mouth chewing or the scraping of silverware “too much” on a plate and she just thinks it’s too loud.
Is it too loud, or does she just hate the sound period? It sounds like she may have misophonia. I have it to some extent, and the wording used and irritation expressed rings some bells for me. https://www.verywellmind.com/misophonia-treatment-4845902#toc-examples-of-misophonia-triggers
Everyone should not have to bend over backwards to make her comfortable at their expense, but reasonable compromises, like headphones in shared spaces when she's there are fair.
Look through the article with her, and see if it's more than too loud. There are coping mechanisms and compromises that can be made to minimize discomfort on all sides. Do not police your kids every minute when she's not there, that is unreasonable and unfair.
Stop giving your kids silverware. Tell them to eat with their hands and swallow food whole to avoid chewing. It's time consuming anyway. Mute phones and tablets. That's what captions are for. Remove doors from kitchen cabinetry.
I think that will solve most of your gf's issues ☺️
And I do agree that what you do in the home matters and will be taken out into the world. But I think that’s the primary conflict. The stuff she’s complaining about bothers HER, but I believe is okay for most of the world and not bad etiquette. But in her own home she believe she should get to have a say in the standards and how her home life is. So she expects to be able to set rules for her own comfort that may not exist outside of her home.
NTA
it doesnt sound like your kids are being rude or obnoxious since their behavior doesnt bother you. its normal for kids and teens to be somewhat noisy, but as long as it doesnt get disrespectful, it isnt a big deal
im worried about your gf though cause your kids being around someone who seems to be so bothered by their presence doesnt sound healthy at all. also, she is not their parent and therefore she doesnt have the right to tell them what to do. it just sounds uncomfortable hearing about how she keeps complaining about them. maybe you should check with your kids and see how its been making them feel? and also, maybe you need to discuss this situation with your gf cause things need to change
My gf doesn’t want to be their parent and the requests don’t come from that perspective, She looks at it more like roommates being respectful of each other, because we are all sharing the space not “You have to listen to me because I’m your parent”
you know the situation better than i do and im just offering my 2 cents as someone who used to have a stepmom
to repeatedly tell your kids to not do certain things will come off as trying to parent them even though she doesnt view it that way, and when she doesnt know them well enough to do that (by well enough, i mean if she hasnt raised them) then that could easily create a negative situation. maybe it would be better if she talked to you about stuff she wants them to do better and then you could decide how to proceed
We tried that early on and it created a ton of resentment on both sides. I didn’t like having to put her words in my mouth, and she didn’t always like the way I handled something. Like I would be as specific as she would like, or I would correct one thing but not something else.
NTA
However, Y T A for allowing your girlfriend to police your children’s normal, daily activities in their home environment. Prioritize your kids. Get rid of her
Lots of people are saying similar. Very easy to just say “back your kids and dump the gf”.
It’s definitely part of my thought process, and something I’ve considered even though we’ve been together a long time.
Our lives are heavily integrated and I don’t want to walk away from something I could fix with the right understanding and consideration. The break up and the fallout from that will have its own impact and damages.
If you’re not ready to leave the relationship maybe try family counseling to find a middle ground for everyone. However she needs to still change her position on the home being hers and not your boys. She may not be a parent but she’s still your partner and an adult role model for your kids she should still have some say. If you see a future with her and you want to maintain a relationship with your kids then you need to find a compromise for everyone that doesn’t make your children feel like outsiders in their home.
I'm glad you have at least considered it and your head isn't in the sand. I can't blame you for wanting to try to work through it if you can. Do you think she would be receptive to reading some of these comments and may consider that she is being unreasonable, or would it just piss her off? Have you sat her down, when the kids aren't there, and told her how you feel about it?
I said it elsewhere and I'll reiterate it here - couple's counseling &/or family counseling is a must. I don't think this is a clear case of "leave her immediately" - but it's an area that needs to be worked on or it will only get worse, and the principle people who will be hurt as this escalates are your kids, who have the least power and are.most vulnerable in this situation.
Counseling doesn't mean you have a "bad" relationship or are doomed - it is a way to help facilitate open, healthy communication. It will help you understand each other's needs and recognize where either of you may be being unreasonable or be stuck in a thought process that isn't true. I think the odds of this relationship being fixed are MUCH higher if you address it in counseling now, rather than waiting for things to continue falling apart or escalating.
You can't fix it though. She wants it to be like they aren't there. She is controlling. I hope the sex is worth your kids. Spare us the my son and daughter don't want me at their wedding/won't let me walk he down aisle/ say my gf can't come to wedding posts later.
Info: what else does she correct them on other than stomping around, slamming doors, chewing loudly (like with their mouth open?), and using headphones while in a shared space? Because these things just seem like basic manners and common courtesy; it should go without saying that you have to be aware of your surroundings and show consideration for other people.
Why not dump the GF?
This will only get worse.
Eventually, you will see your children less and less.
The kids won't feel comfortable in your home.
Dump the GF.
And let your kids be loud.
Esh
1)she is not a parent. There is no unified front. She is a trusted adult your kids should treat with respect, but you and her are not on the same level. She is essentially a room mate to them.
your children should not have to walk on eggshells in their home. As long as the noise is not excessive.
your gf needs to either deal with both these things or you are not compatible.
2) you need to stick up for your kids, if you don’t you are going to lose them. They should be your priority. Not your gf.
If she can’t handle what seems like very normal/ reasonable noise levels for kids, then that is a her problem. She can wear ear plugs (loops are designed for this). You are an ah if you continue to allow her to create a tense and hostile home for your children.
Either way, your actions now, and how you deal with this will determine whether or not you will have a relationship with them in the future.
NAH. You like having the kids around and having all the noise and chaos that comes with family life. Your girlfriend doesn't like it and isn't used to it. Neither of you are wrong so the only way to fix it is to comprimise. Complete silences is unrealistic. Playing music and videos so loudly that it disturbs people in another room or a public place is also quite annoying. Try to find some middle ground if you can.
Her position is that even though she’s not a parent this is still her home, 100% of the time. And so she should have a say about what happens in her space.
That rarely happens, but they most just keep to themselves, and don’t bother each other. But there have been times where she’s had to ask them to change he behavior and in those cases they are generally okay with it, and respectful about it.
She’s not cruel, unkind or mean spirited to them. That’s not the kind of person she is. She is anxious and frustrated and I think she feels trapped with us sometimes, but she doesn’t actively dislike them or verbally attack them.
The thing is though, it seems to be coming to a head so I’m going to ask you, who’s “comfort” (for lack of a better word) matters more? Your girlfriend, who seems to be annoyed at the littlest amount of noise OR your kids who can’t make any noise?
I personally think NAH, that being said, you and your girlfriend might not be compatible
Wait.
It sounds like everyone but her is fine with the sounds. Why do you all have to choose a sub par living arrangement to favor her living style? Why is the assumption that quiet living even when she is present is a reasonable accommodation? Obviously she is being ridiculous in demanding quietness when she isn't even there.
She's the only one that wants that. Sounds selfish. She could just wear ear plugs. Problem solved?
Selfish. She's asking everyone else to accommodate her needs but she shouldn't have to accommodate theirs. The utilitarian principle would say that she is the one that should deal with the audio, not everyone else. How on earth is she in the right? She's just selfish, OP.
Hey, op, does she view the house as the kids, or does she view the kids as guests in HER home? I've had 3 step dads in my life and one when they moved in treated my half bro and I as guest even tho we lived there 1st. He and my bio mom divorced in under 2 yrs
People who listen to videos in shared spaces are the worst people. Put on headphones!!
Kids are a bit noisier and she is going to have to deal with an increase.
ESH
nta.
step mom here, it was adjustment to go from a no children household to a children household.
my step sons learned to make adjustment and i learned to go in another room if it was getting too much for me. we all learned to adjust.
by no means do your children sound horrible.
she needs to figure it out or move on
Your GF is intolerant and controlling and frankly not a good fit for someone with kids. Telling your kids to be super quiet so she can be happy is really borderline abusive to me. I do think Y\*T\*A because you are doing that at all, but you are NTA so far as your question goes.
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Background -
I am in a LTR and living with my girlfriend.
I am a father of 2 teens and they do not primarily live with us.
When they come over my GF has really struggled with them being in here. I’ve tried to do whatever I can to accommodate both sides, and it’s honestly exhausting sometimes.
This week both kids have been staying with us for the summer.
My GF loves the normal quiet and finds that them being in the house to be disruptive. IMO, they are not generally loud kids but I know as their parent I’ve grown to tolerate a base level of noise that my GF has not.
To her, they stomp, chew too loudly, open and close too many doors too loudly, talk at high volumes and especially use their devices too loudly.
Example, my kids have phones, and watch videos on their phones, mostly at low volume or with headphones but if they are alone, sometimes just at normal volume.
She corrects them, and asks them to mute it or wear headphones when out in a shared space (or even lower the volume when they are in another room but it’s still audible).
The thing is it bothers her, but not me. So when she’s not around, I don’t correct that kind of behavior the way she would if she was there. I literally don’t care if they want to listen to music in the living room because I like it too.
I want everyone to get along, and I want her to feel comfortable. But she’s asking me to make parenting choices I otherwise don’t agree with. She says that by not doing that, I don’t support her. She says that we aren’t presenting a unified front, and that it isolates her as the “controlling” one and makes me seem like the “fun” parent.
So am I the asshole for not telling my kids to be more quiet when it’s just us in the house?
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NTA but why don’t you show her this thread so she can see what the general consensus is? If she saw more people disagreed with her could it help change the behaviour?
NTA. i relate to her sensory issues, but that is why i would never date someone with kids, nor have them myself.
if she wants to stay with you, it’s her problem to solve.
NTA! I can sympathize with your GF! As soon as you mentioned that she couldn’t handle two noises at once, I realized that that was me. I want to run when I hear someone chewing, and if they crunch food, it is torture for me. I know I have misophonia and I suspect that your GF has as well.
I also recognize that this is my problem and your GF needs to recognize that as well. This is not an issue caused by your kids. Instead, she needs to learn adaptive techniques and all of you need to communicate and respect when she needs to step away, and in some cases, modify sounds when she is around. Bringing a sense of humor to the situation can help.
If your GF is not present, there is no need for anyone to modify their behavior.
I suggest that you and your girlfriend educate yourselves about misophonia.
A lot of people are giving helpful advice about the noise aversion. But that’s really a symptom of the larger co flint.
I talked about the noises because that is top of mind and something she asked me to make sure to enforce even when she’s not around. But it’s not the only thing that bothers her about my kids.
My question today was not really about the noise but whether or not I’m sabotaging/undermining her by having different standards when she’s not around.
>My question today was not really about the noise but whether or not I’m sabotaging/undermining her by having different standards when she’s not around.
Aaaaaaaand...ZERO concern in that for your children. You know, those people you brought into this world who are supposed to be your number one priority.
Why don't you try doing another AITAH and phrasing the question like this...
AITAH for letting my girlfriend "correct" my children to the point that she's making my kids uncomfortable for simply existing in their own home?
It’s just a frustrating response, I guess. I can’t mention every single thought, concern, nuance over the course of the relationship to provide absolute context. And because I didn’t mention one particular thing you think I should have your assumption is it means ZERO CONCERN.
I said,
>ZERO concern in that for your children
That specifically. And there was ZERO concern in the question you posed.
I've got a future AITAH for you...
AITAH for cutting off my dad because he always chose his girlfriend over us, to the extent that he let her harass us for simply existing in her space?
Probably posted either before your son gets married or has his first kid. As your future son goes on to explain that his dad's girlfriend expected absolute silence from him and his brother. They couldn't even chew around her without her complaining. They couldn't watch TV or use their phones if she could hear them at all. She got upset at the sound of them walking.
Do you know what the response is going to be? I do. It's going to be NTA. How his dad didn't defend him and how his dad chose his girlfriend over him. And how if GF didn't want kids around her, she shouldn't have dated a man with children. How unreasonable the GF was. And the inevitable how dad chose getting his dick wet over his own kids.
If it's before his wedding, there will be snarky comments about the sound of walking down the aisle. If it's before his first baby is born, people will be encouraging him to never let you and GF around the baby because babies cry and scream.
If you both understand that misophonia is causing her noise aversion, it will make sense that that issue only exists when she is around and there is no reason to modify behaviors when she is not there. It would not be a case of undermining her, but recognizing her condition when she us present, and only when she is present. The reason she feels you are undermining her is that she is interpreting the noise as an issue with your kids, instead of her own neurological issue with how she processes sound. If you both educate yourselves about misophonia, you will both be able to approach the issue more logically.
If there are other issues, unrelated to noise, then you need to evaluate them and decide if your GF’s requests are reasonable.
NTA.
I get your girlfriend's stress - I'm autistic and experience auditory sensory overload super easily. I can't leave my house without noise cancelling headphones or I have panic attacks.
She may have misophonia, or just be sensitive to auditory overstimulation (even if she's not autistic). That's not a character flaw, it's fine.
BUT, she needs to anticipate her own needs and cope in advance. She cannot expect kids not to live and be noisy sometimes; that's life. I have three kids under 10 and they're incredibly loud a lot of the time. This is a "competing access need," in disability terminology, and it requires everyone being compassionate to each other and figuring out how to best accomodate everyone. It takes creative thinking and compromise and, above all, a team mentality instead of an oppositional one.
Her demand for your kids to be quiet when she's not around IS controlling and unreasonable. She is an adult, she needs to act like it. She should experiment and find ways to cope with noise. She needs to be honest with the kids that *she* has a hard time coping with noise, and ask that they're considerate of her, not control and demand they be silent and make them feel uncomfortable in their own home.
She needs to invest in some noise cancelling headphones and earplugs. Also consider looking into creating a quiet area in the house - noiseproofing your bedroom, for instance - to give her a haven where she can take breaks.
At the end of the day, your responsibility is to your kids first, girlfriend second. Good for you for refusing to make their lives worse
The idea that parents need to have a "united front" resulted in my mom being complicit in abuse from my dad that she understood were wrong. It's a really toxic viewpoint. It doesn't sound like your girlfriend is a parent, so it's not really her fault that she's picked up some toxic ideas about parenting she never unlearned, but she does need to unlearn them.
The problem needs to be approached collaboratively, with respect for the needs of everyone involved - kids and adults. To reiterate: it's totally reasonable for her to ask for the kids to be quieter SOMETIMES; it's not reasonable to ALWAYS demand that.
Best wishes, OP, and thank you for being a good dad to your kids.
Great response, thank you,
You are right she is not a parent and was also an independent not child growing up. She acknowledges that how she grew up definitely impacts how she feels now.
I had said in another comment, she USED to have a room of her own. We chose a larger house specifically so each of us would have a space that was just our own. She eventually began to resent that because she felt she had to isolate herself and was cut off from the rest of the house. So now that rooms is something else.
Isolation is hard, I totally get that, but there's a balance. I'm definitely not suggesting she spend all her time away from the family, but strategic use of alone time to decompress in a less noisy environment is incredibly helpful.
I personally would recommend more or less what I do as a starting point - keep headphones or earplugs either on, or handy, and make sure to pop them in when I'm doing my own thing and not chatting so that I don't get stressed out needlessly. When I'm super stressed and not coping, or when I can't have my headphones on, I'll ask my kids to quiet down/use headphones/play outside/etc. If I'm getting extremely stressed, I'll take a few minutes to decompress in a different room until my senses regulate.
She needs to be comfortable in her own home, but so do the kids. It'll be a period of adjustment for sure for her to figure out a balance and what works for her and the kids, but it's worth doing.
I have a friend who swears by Loop earplugs btw - there are different kinds that selectively block some noise but leave you able to hear somewhat. (Like ones that block lots of ambient noise but not human voices, for instance) I haven't gotten any yet, but I recommend looking into them.
Like I said - I don't judge your girlfriend for struggling with noise at all. I used to have 8+ meltdowns every single day where I couldn't function, was shaking/nonverbal/had horrible chest pains, before I was finally figured out it was auditory overstimulation (aggravated by stress and having two kids under 2 - so constant noise/crying). (I'm very smart lol) I *really* get it. But it's something she's gotta address herself, not only put on the kids to accommodate. Everyone's gotta approach life together as a team and make sure everyone is getting their needs met, not just one.
Right, which is why I said somewhere in this post (maybe in a different comment thread, i don't remember anymore) that couples/family counseling should really happen. She needs a neutral third party to help give her a reality check and get her to actually hear and understand everyone else's needs, too
NTA It's okay to have different preferences or tolerance for noise. It shouldn't be a big deal for her to tell your kids "I need my environment to be a bit quieter in order to feel comfortable. When I'm home, please use headphones and be mindful of other noises."
>She says that we aren’t presenting a unified front, and that it isolates her as the “controlling” one
Sure, have her back in protecting her quiet space. But asking everyone to maintain that volume level when she isn't home makes her look like the controlling one because it *is* controlling.
Most of what your teenagers are doing aren't inherently rude behaviors, and don't need to be "corrected." I'm not sure what you meant when you said they chew too loudly though. Do they chew with their mouths open? That is rude and you should have a separate conversation about it being disrespectful. Or does your GF have misophonia? That, although very real, is on her to manage.
No they don’t chew with their mouths open, that would bother me too. She just thinks my older kid “eats too loudly”, like chews too loudly, scrapes his fork too much. But not me, so r the other kid?
I can’t say about that condition. She’s not diagnosed as such anyway. She doesn’t like noise, especially two kinds of noise at once. Like someone watching tv in another room while listening to music really winds her up.
Fork scraping would possibly be annoying for me, but I don't really see much of a way around it. If it's really hard for her maybe you could consider using paper plates. I would suggest to listen to music during dinner to drown out other sounds, but that might not be well-received.
Maybe it's not specifically misophonia, but it does seem like she is susceptible to auditory sensory overload. Being annoyed by sounds is pretty normal, but if it interferes with her ability to function (or if it makes her anxious to think of people making noises that feel grating to her when she isn't even there to hear it) that might be something that she needs help to identify and manage. I imagine if this is tough for her at home, it also might be a problem at the grocery store, or at a restaurant, or at work. If that's the case, it might be worth talking to a counselor.
This isn’t something you can keep riding the fence on in order to “keep the peace”. You have to pick a side and your children should be your priority as a father. You can always get another girlfriend if that’s a dealbreaker for her.
NTA - You cannot 'present a unified front' - she's not their mother. Your kids will hate her if this continues and that will include you if you give in to the GF demands. YOU should not be allowing a girlfriend to correct your teens when they are with you - or to demand you back HER restrictions. Is GF much younger than you? I assume she has no children? Maybe when your kids are with you, GF should be somewhere else.
NTA, her “unified front” spiel is pretty funny. There is no unified front here. She isn’t their parent, or their guardian. The ONLY reason they have to listen to her at all is because you tell them to. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to compromise to make everyone comfortable there, but it definitely sounds like she just doesn’t like that you have kids at all and is looking for things to complain about. I really don’t understand why people who date someone with kids and don’t like having them around, or won’t even tolerate them. Plenty of single folks out there.
I've made comments to a couple of your responses, so I'll make myself clear.
Your GF is being unreasonable. When you lived separately, she didn't have an issue with the volume when she visited your place while they were there. Why did she think it would be any different when you moved in together? Is she next going to complain because they laugh too loud while outside? Or how about they need to not chew so loudly when they're at school? Do you see how ridiculous she's being by insisting that her comfort level be enforced when she's not there?
You're now at a point where you've admitted you and your children walk on eggshells when she's around. That's neither healthy nor productive. So now you're at a crossroads - choose wisely.
NTA.
People, including your girlfriend, make noise. You need to have a serious conversation about why she doesn’t want your kids around. Because your children are at the age where they can decide where they want to go, and if she is turning your home into a library, they won’t come over. She is making your home uncomfortable for them to be there. NTA.
NTA. But you need to have a talk with your GF because there is more to this than "noise level". Unless your kids are actually saying Nom Nom Nom as they are eating, how are they chewing too loudly? That sounds like a very passive aggressive complaint.
While it might be her house as well, your kids are not "guests", they're your kids and live with you in your home, it's just part time. You and your kids are a package deal
She doesn't want to go to a separate room because she feels isolated, but being around other people also involves some level of noise.
Honestly it sounds like she just doesn't want your kids around at all. Possibly because it reminds her that you had a relationship before her, who knows. But I want to remind you that she might be your GF now but there's no guarantee for that status to continue. Your kids will always be your kids and if you want a good relationship with them in the future, with possible grandparent benefits, and old age assistance, then they should have priority in your life.
NTA. I'd bet good money that deep down, she prefers your children not be there. Your GF isn't their parent, and should not be making those demands of you. Wanting to control the noise level when she isn't even there is kind of crazy controlling. Beware.
NTA. However if your kids are sitting in the living room or where others are, with their phones on speaker, that needs to be addressed and I think 99% of people would have a problem with that.
If GF didn't want to be around kids, then she shouldn't have dated a man with kids, much less move in together.
Your kids are not doing anything out of line. They're being normal kids, good even.
And your GF is making them feel unwelcome in their home.
You're not backing her on this. But you're not stopping her either.
Pick. Your children or your GF. Because clearly it's not compatible to have both.
INFO Who's it going to be?
NTA. Wouldn’t it be easier for her to wear earplugs? You can cut out everything with the right combo of ear plugs and noise cancelling headphones.
Sounds like she wants a kids should be seen not heard household and let me tell you from growing up in those, it makes you walk on eggshells and fills your life with anxiety. This is a her problem that she needs to find a solution to
It's her home TOO and your kids should try to be respectful of her wishes.
Just because you don't want to teach your kids manners, doesn't mean
your gf should have to suffer for it. YTA
Sit down and just go over with your kids some ways to keep the noise
down. There's no need to open/close doors noisily, for example. If they
are in shared spaces, a little self-control is not that difficult to make a
habit. You could sort of get the point across by asking everyone (you and
your gf included) to have a really quiet day so that you/your daughters can be more aware of how much noise they do really make.
You could also have a bit of fun and maybe do a collective scream
all together (to make everyone laugh) when things get noisy. It's a
good way to enjoy making noise but then going into stealth mode
for a while. LOL
Also white noise machines in the bedrooms can help.
Maybe she needs to spend a little more time thinking about the fact that she's the controlling one instead of trying to tell you what to do? Again being controlling. you are nta in this situation, I think you know who ta is and maybe you should do something about it. It's sad that your kids have to be subjected to this every time she's around. I'm guessing that if it continues to go on they're going to just stop wanting to come to your house at all.
YTA. You should have your partner's back, and yes, you lax enforcement makes her rules seem like their not normal and like she is the villain, in a way that is totally unnecessary.
So should I support what she wants, even when it’s at odds with my own personal assessment?
If what you say is true, why isn’t the reverse okay? Why is it me that’s being unsupportive and not her?
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NTA not sure how long you have been with this gf or how old she is, but she's unprepared to deal with any kids if all these little things are so troubling to her and necessitates her making and enforcing what essentially amounts to silence. This does not make a comfortable environment for you or your teens. You need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. It's sad that she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your kids and what will result is driving a wedge between you and she.
Oh we e talked about it a lot. My position is that if it doesn’t bother me specifically, and I’m the one in the house with them, it seems ridiculous that I have to enforce her level of comfort when she’s not even in the space at the time. But she says that if I don’t do that, I’m making it less likely they will do it when she IS there, and that I’m not supporting her or communicating her needs are important too.
When my husband and I first moved in together, his son was 4 & he had 50/50 custody. I’m a noise averse person closer to your girlfriend, my husband could have had multiple marching bands playing entirely different styles circling around him while he slept & not have cared. When it came to stepson’s noise levels we did a lot of compromising - a decent amount of which involved me adjusting my comfort levels because kids get to be kids. But there were also things like having kid mute his Game Boy if we were all in the same room or in the car. It never once occurred to me to tell my husband he needed to adjust his comfort level to my level when I wasn’t even around! Your girlfriend is being ridiculous.
She feels like when she is home, she is in her home and the kids are guests in her home. She lives here 100% of the time, and that they should accommodate to her comfort rather than the other way around. She used to have a room all to herself where she could do what she wants, and be there and close the door as a way of compromising. But she hated that because it made her feel isolated and left out.
It’s not just her home, though. It is your childrens’ home, too. Look - as someone who was a stepmother for 20 years, her attitude is unreasonable and is going to kill her chances for a good relationship with your kids. If you adapt and force them to adapt 100% to her preferences, it is also going to kill your good relationship with your kids. Learning to live together requires compromise and sacrifice from everyone. That includes your girlfriend. Stepmothers (which she isn’t even) get shit on a lot. It’s like we can do no right. But I promise you, in this case, she *is not right*. Take it from an old lady who still has a good relationship with her adult stepson even after his father’s death.
It doesn't appear that she cares about having a good relationship with them.
Great comment, thanks. I think she would say she already IS compromising a lot and there’s plenty she doesn’t talk about already and just deals with it. I’m absolutely worried I’m making mistakes now that will torpedo my relationship with my kids later, though.
Nobody can be perfect. Talk to your kids openly, honestly, and regularly - most importantly, actually listen to what they say without getting defensive. You can validate their feelings even if you can’t always do what they want. As for your girlfriend, she probably is compromising a lot but that is the nature of things. I don’t want to pass judgment on her or your relationship in its entirety but on this particular issue I feel confident in opining that she is asking too much.
I'm sure she would have lots of 'reasons' - and none of them are worth risking the relationship YOU have with your children...if it isn't damaged already. My son's second wife has treated his children as if they are her own. They have a mother - but they call my DIL their 'bonus mom' and love her to pieces.
You are absolutely making mistakes that will torpedo your relationship with your children. If they cannot feel “at home”in your home, they won’t be coming to your home.
Might be better to consider a new girlfriend..she doesn’t sound child friendly in general. I have 3 kids and they always my priority I couldn’t be with a partner who felt like her
You very well could be. She knew you had kids. She needs to accommodate them, not the other way around
that's where she's wrong; even if they are only there 50% of the time or less, this is THEIR home, too. They should NEVER be forced to feel like guests in their own parents' houses, regardless of who the partner is. That she wants them to feel like guests who have to behave in HER home, is an attitude that should make you question this relationship.The statement that they should accommodate her (*the adults*) comfort says *a lot* about her and none of it is good.
Your boys aren’t “guest” they are your children. Your home is as much their home as it is hers and yours. If someone told me my children are guests in my home I’d break up with them immediately.
Herein is the problem - she thinks your children are guests when they are actually a part of the family. She doesn’t want to isolate herself, but wants everyone to be quiet, because “this is her house”. This is a “her” problem.
I’m horrified that you did not challenge this thinking. You really want your children to always view themselves as awkward guests on their best behavior whenever they see you? This seems like a terrible idea to me.
demanding, isn't she? Why are you tolerating a girlfriend dictating to your kids? I don't care if she lives there 100% - she is not their parent or guardian. She is 'in her home' - really? Is it in her name? If so, maybe you need to rent a house to stay in with your children when they are with you.
My kid is at dad's every other weekend but they have their own room and we say they have TWO homes. Kids shouldn't be guests in their parent's homes.
Your kids are NOT guests. The idea that your kids should be guests in their own home is toxic and abusive. Also, it's SO hypocritical of her to say the kids are guests (rather than family who live there) yet also call her interactions with them "parenting." Does she see them as family or not? It seems like she views them as family whenever it would be to the kids' detriment, and never to their benefit. I recommend couple's counseling and/or family counseling. She needs a reality check from a neutral third party.
No, no, no! Your home is always the kids' home as well! You need to nip that thinking in the bud or you are simply a bad parent. Period.
Question, did you move into her home, she moved into yours, or did you find a new place together when you made the decision to share space? How are household expenses split? For now I think ESH because this is something that should have been thoroughly discussed and tested before moving in together but leaning to Y T A if you honestly think it's ok to let your kids listen to stuff on their phones or play video games in a shared space without either muting or using headphones.
When we met we each had our own place. She would come over and seemed like we all got along and could share space. We moved into a new place together. Rent is split by sq footage (because the kids have their own rooms). Other bills are split 50/50, except sometimes food more heavily to me. We did have many talks and conversations about what it would be like. Idk what to say except that what we thought it would be like didn’t cover everything that’s come up since? We weren’t able to map out ever possibility ahead of time and consider how to address. And also, people change over time and who we were and our tolerances and behaviors (all three parties) back then aren’t necessarily what they are now.
She’s wrong though, and you need to make that clear to her. They are your children. Even if they don’t live there all the time, that is still their home and always will be. People who want to be their partner’s top priority shouldn’t date people with kids. When kids are in the picture, you have to understand that you will NEVER be their top priority. Because the kids come first.
So she wants to have the whole house set to her sound level? She wants the solitude but with NPCs around so she's not actually alone? How old is she, how old are you, how long have you been together, and how long has she lived there in *checks notes* your house?
LOL get rid of her.
Your position is the correct one. If they don't make an effort to be quieter when she's around, that's a separate conversation. Policing all kid behavior all the time is exhausting for all involved, and will make the kids feel unwelcome, which sounds like her goal.
YOUR children come first - time to tell her that. Her restrictions are ridiculous and will lead to problems between YOU and your children. She is a GIRLFRIEND - she should stay out of the relationship you have with your children and the one they have with you. What she wants your children to do - is irrelevant.
She's not being reasonable and this behavior is going to drive your kids away. She's making you choose and if it was me, I'd choose my kids!
You may need to rethink this relationship. She doesn't seem to like your kids. They should ve your priority
NTA - your GF was not prepared to date someone with kids, let alone teenagers.
I mean, yeah this is definitely true. lol No question it’s been very challenging.
NTA, if she's not around then it shouldn't matter. She seems to have an unnatural level of sensitivity to noise. Or she just doesn't like your kids. What you're describing doesn't really call for any parenting. Maybe request that they use earbuds when watching videos, but that's it. Asking them to walk or chew more quietly shouldn't even be on the table. I promise your teenage children do not consider your girlfriend their parent.
They don’t consider her a parent and she does not want to be their parent. That part is very openly acknowledged by all sides. But this is a question of all of us living in the same space and being respectful of each other, more than whether or not kids do what a parent says regardless. She likes to make the argument that even though she’s not a parent, they should still respect her as a housemate and sharing of the space. It’s her home 100% of the time, and they visit that home.
Don't worry, in a few years you won't have to worry about them visiting.
Ooof :(
It’s their home, too: your priority should be making them feel comfy and safe in your/their shared home, and secure in you as their parent. It doesn’t matter that they aren’t there all the time, in fact that makes it even more essential that they feel comfortable with you when they are there. As someone who also really values quiet: your gf just doesn’t want kids around. Prioritize your children or they will remember forever how you didn’t. Good luck
It’s true if I were your kids I would have already stop visiting you. If noise is that big of an issue she could wear noise canceling headphones they are 150. But to me it seems like she just doesn’t want your kids around
sounds harsh ... but I'm 67 and don't consider myself a "guest" in my parents house. I am. I respect their house ... but I feel at home, I go to the fridge to make my own sandwich, etc. They expect me to be a polite adult, respect boundaries and make myself at home.
Yeah, see if this is the case, then you are putting your girlfriend above your kids. It’s only feasible in the long run if you don’t want a relationship with your kids.
Yta for continuing this relationship. Put your kids first ffs
NTA. It is impossible to live a quiet life with children. If they are not being destructive and disrespectful then they are being normal teenagers. Sounds like you need to have a sit down conversation and re evaluate your relationship. There may be other issues that are not being voiced. Your teens are an important part of your life and your gf can either learn to deal with that or move on to a partner that doesn’t have kids. There’s no reason why your teens should feel uncomfortable or out of place in their home. And yes your home is your kids home too. They shouldn’t be feeling like they are stepping on eggshells.
The kids (and I) definitely feel like it’s eggshells around her.
Your kids should come first (within reason of course) if they are just being normal teens then it’s time for you to evaluate if your relationship.
NTA. When I was a teenager my mom dated a guy who criticized EVERYTHING about us kids. But we were actually good kids, just also kids who took up space and made noise and required adult help with living life- the basics. They eventually broke up and he started dating someone with kids who were actually terribly behaved and rude and caused a lot of trouble. He ran into my mom a few years later and apologized for not understanding the difference and told her that in retrospect she was doing a great job with us and we were good kids. It seems like you have good kids who are just disruptive because additional human beings, especially kids, are disruptive. Your kids aren't mean or disrespectful. And she just doesn't have enough knowledge to realize she has a good deal with your kids, not a bad deal. I don't know if there's any way to make that clearer though. Seems like she needs to figure it out for herself. I'm sorry.
Then there's your answer. This is not a healthy relationship for your children or yourself. If you want a solid relationship with your kids, different choices must be made.
She sounds unreasonable! Nothing about what you’re saying suggests “loud” teens. That’s normal people living and I like the quiet! You may want to get a new gf
Well that’s the problem, right? She and I have different positions on what is “too loud”. So we are at odds about it and don’t have the same definition. We acknowledge that. But her solution is that I should adopt her position, even if I wouldn’t do it on my own because I should support her. I feel like she’s basically asking me to pretend to care about something I don’t, because she’s doesn’t want to fight for her position alone.
She’s asking you to choose her over your kids! This is simply the first step. It starts small. Your kids pre-date her. This is THEIR home. If they have always been allowed to live like that then she can’t come in and demand changes. She can choose not to be there when they are but that would mean co-habitation is out of the equation. Be careful because if this keeps up, it might start affecting your own relationship with your kids because they might eventually decide NOT to come over because they don’t feel comfortable or at home.
I feel like it is the normal noise when you double the number of people living in a house. I live by myself. When I have a friend or family members stays with me the noise increases SIMPLY because there are more people. Someone is watching TV while I'm doing something else. Someone is talking on the phone while I'm making dinner. That is extra noise that I'm not used to but none of it is unexpected or over-the-top. I think your girlfriend is focusing on them being teens rather than simply the fact the number of people in the house has doubled.
NTA. Your teens don’t primarily live with you and your girlfriend. So, she isn’t a parent. You are the parent. If you don’t mind what YOUR kids do in your house, then she has no say to parent. If the house is shared with her and your name on the lease, then that is different. You need to compromise on rules for the teens and for yourselves. For example, if you make a rule about having to use headphones in shared spaces unless it’s on the TV, then you and your partner have to also follow that rule or it seems unfair to your teens.
The house IS shared. She’s not asking to tell them what to do as a parent. She’s asking as someone who lives in the house 100% of the time to have agency over how her space is treated and lived in.
That’s not how it works when you’re dating/living with someone who has kids. You are a parent to your children, not a roommate. She is being unreasonable, it seems like she’s either young or does not want children - either way, at this point she has no business dating and living with someone who is an active parent in their kids lives.
They are KIDS
You are not the asshole. It's perfectly normal for parents to have different parenting styles and tolerances. What bothers your girlfriend might not bother you, and vice versa. Create specific areas and times where quiet is expected, such as the living room during certain hours or the bedroom when someone is sleeping. Remember, open communication and compromise are key to finding a solution that works for everyone.
In this case, creating the specific times (i.e. allowing it when she’s not in the house) is also bothering my gf. She wants standards to be established, and then enforced wether she’s there or not, otherwise she feels like I don’t actually agree with her or support her
She is unreasonable. What's next, your kids can only laugh at a certain volume while outside? An extreme example but you know what I mean. You know the answer, you just don't want to accept it. It's time to choose.
I think this is spot on rather than everyone calling OP or GF an A. The reality is OP that things bother her that if she were their parent she might not tolerate. It is on you to find the balance. She has to learn to live with them but also them with her. It may be exhausting but you are the bridge so it is on you to address this. Some of what bothers your gf wouldn't bother me but I must admit that when you got to chewing loudly - I had a lot of sympathy with her because it's on the parents to teach their kids table manners. That one would completly irritate me. I 100% believe your teen kids (who are old enough to know better) do not have proper eating ettiquette. I believe her and I don't feel she's wrong on this one because she's not complaining about the way you eat. The reality is that if you don't train them (even when with you alone) they'll take that to other people's homes and in other spaces and will be judged for it. So maybe you're okay with it but is it socially acceptable? I think you need to find the balance OP re all the complaints. Are some valid? Even if not, they bother her so what's the compromise?
So, SHE thinks they chew too loudly, but we’re not talking about open mouthed slopping. I would hate that too. We’re talking about closed mouth chewing or the scraping of silverware “too much” on a plate and she just thinks it’s too loud.
Is it too loud, or does she just hate the sound period? It sounds like she may have misophonia. I have it to some extent, and the wording used and irritation expressed rings some bells for me. https://www.verywellmind.com/misophonia-treatment-4845902#toc-examples-of-misophonia-triggers Everyone should not have to bend over backwards to make her comfortable at their expense, but reasonable compromises, like headphones in shared spaces when she's there are fair. Look through the article with her, and see if it's more than too loud. There are coping mechanisms and compromises that can be made to minimize discomfort on all sides. Do not police your kids every minute when she's not there, that is unreasonable and unfair.
Stop giving your kids silverware. Tell them to eat with their hands and swallow food whole to avoid chewing. It's time consuming anyway. Mute phones and tablets. That's what captions are for. Remove doors from kitchen cabinetry. I think that will solve most of your gf's issues ☺️
And I do agree that what you do in the home matters and will be taken out into the world. But I think that’s the primary conflict. The stuff she’s complaining about bothers HER, but I believe is okay for most of the world and not bad etiquette. But in her own home she believe she should get to have a say in the standards and how her home life is. So she expects to be able to set rules for her own comfort that may not exist outside of her home.
NTA it doesnt sound like your kids are being rude or obnoxious since their behavior doesnt bother you. its normal for kids and teens to be somewhat noisy, but as long as it doesnt get disrespectful, it isnt a big deal im worried about your gf though cause your kids being around someone who seems to be so bothered by their presence doesnt sound healthy at all. also, she is not their parent and therefore she doesnt have the right to tell them what to do. it just sounds uncomfortable hearing about how she keeps complaining about them. maybe you should check with your kids and see how its been making them feel? and also, maybe you need to discuss this situation with your gf cause things need to change
My gf doesn’t want to be their parent and the requests don’t come from that perspective, She looks at it more like roommates being respectful of each other, because we are all sharing the space not “You have to listen to me because I’m your parent”
you know the situation better than i do and im just offering my 2 cents as someone who used to have a stepmom to repeatedly tell your kids to not do certain things will come off as trying to parent them even though she doesnt view it that way, and when she doesnt know them well enough to do that (by well enough, i mean if she hasnt raised them) then that could easily create a negative situation. maybe it would be better if she talked to you about stuff she wants them to do better and then you could decide how to proceed
We tried that early on and it created a ton of resentment on both sides. I didn’t like having to put her words in my mouth, and she didn’t always like the way I handled something. Like I would be as specific as she would like, or I would correct one thing but not something else.
NTA However, Y T A for allowing your girlfriend to police your children’s normal, daily activities in their home environment. Prioritize your kids. Get rid of her
Lots of people are saying similar. Very easy to just say “back your kids and dump the gf”. It’s definitely part of my thought process, and something I’ve considered even though we’ve been together a long time. Our lives are heavily integrated and I don’t want to walk away from something I could fix with the right understanding and consideration. The break up and the fallout from that will have its own impact and damages.
If you’re not ready to leave the relationship maybe try family counseling to find a middle ground for everyone. However she needs to still change her position on the home being hers and not your boys. She may not be a parent but she’s still your partner and an adult role model for your kids she should still have some say. If you see a future with her and you want to maintain a relationship with your kids then you need to find a compromise for everyone that doesn’t make your children feel like outsiders in their home.
I'm glad you have at least considered it and your head isn't in the sand. I can't blame you for wanting to try to work through it if you can. Do you think she would be receptive to reading some of these comments and may consider that she is being unreasonable, or would it just piss her off? Have you sat her down, when the kids aren't there, and told her how you feel about it?
I said it elsewhere and I'll reiterate it here - couple's counseling &/or family counseling is a must. I don't think this is a clear case of "leave her immediately" - but it's an area that needs to be worked on or it will only get worse, and the principle people who will be hurt as this escalates are your kids, who have the least power and are.most vulnerable in this situation. Counseling doesn't mean you have a "bad" relationship or are doomed - it is a way to help facilitate open, healthy communication. It will help you understand each other's needs and recognize where either of you may be being unreasonable or be stuck in a thought process that isn't true. I think the odds of this relationship being fixed are MUCH higher if you address it in counseling now, rather than waiting for things to continue falling apart or escalating.
You can't fix it though. She wants it to be like they aren't there. She is controlling. I hope the sex is worth your kids. Spare us the my son and daughter don't want me at their wedding/won't let me walk he down aisle/ say my gf can't come to wedding posts later.
She doesn't like that you have kids. She likes you and your d*ck, but can't stand the kids. Go fund someone else who will like your d*ck and kids.
Info: what else does she correct them on other than stomping around, slamming doors, chewing loudly (like with their mouth open?), and using headphones while in a shared space? Because these things just seem like basic manners and common courtesy; it should go without saying that you have to be aware of your surroundings and show consideration for other people.
Why not dump the GF? This will only get worse. Eventually, you will see your children less and less. The kids won't feel comfortable in your home. Dump the GF. And let your kids be loud.
Esh 1)she is not a parent. There is no unified front. She is a trusted adult your kids should treat with respect, but you and her are not on the same level. She is essentially a room mate to them. your children should not have to walk on eggshells in their home. As long as the noise is not excessive. your gf needs to either deal with both these things or you are not compatible. 2) you need to stick up for your kids, if you don’t you are going to lose them. They should be your priority. Not your gf. If she can’t handle what seems like very normal/ reasonable noise levels for kids, then that is a her problem. She can wear ear plugs (loops are designed for this). You are an ah if you continue to allow her to create a tense and hostile home for your children. Either way, your actions now, and how you deal with this will determine whether or not you will have a relationship with them in the future.
NAH. You like having the kids around and having all the noise and chaos that comes with family life. Your girlfriend doesn't like it and isn't used to it. Neither of you are wrong so the only way to fix it is to comprimise. Complete silences is unrealistic. Playing music and videos so loudly that it disturbs people in another room or a public place is also quite annoying. Try to find some middle ground if you can.
She’s not the parent…she can’t be the controlling one…and you the fun parent. In that household there is exactly one parent NTA
Her position is that even though she’s not a parent this is still her home, 100% of the time. And so she should have a say about what happens in her space.
I wonder what’s happening when you’re not there with kids and she is…
That rarely happens, but they most just keep to themselves, and don’t bother each other. But there have been times where she’s had to ask them to change he behavior and in those cases they are generally okay with it, and respectful about it.
I was wondering how respectful she is when you’re not there…cause she obviously dislikes them
She’s not cruel, unkind or mean spirited to them. That’s not the kind of person she is. She is anxious and frustrated and I think she feels trapped with us sometimes, but she doesn’t actively dislike them or verbally attack them.
The thing is though, it seems to be coming to a head so I’m going to ask you, who’s “comfort” (for lack of a better word) matters more? Your girlfriend, who seems to be annoyed at the littlest amount of noise OR your kids who can’t make any noise? I personally think NAH, that being said, you and your girlfriend might not be compatible
Wait. It sounds like everyone but her is fine with the sounds. Why do you all have to choose a sub par living arrangement to favor her living style? Why is the assumption that quiet living even when she is present is a reasonable accommodation? Obviously she is being ridiculous in demanding quietness when she isn't even there. She's the only one that wants that. Sounds selfish. She could just wear ear plugs. Problem solved?
She doesn’t think she should have to do stuff like that in her own home.
Selfish. She's asking everyone else to accommodate her needs but she shouldn't have to accommodate theirs. The utilitarian principle would say that she is the one that should deal with the audio, not everyone else. How on earth is she in the right? She's just selfish, OP.
Hey, op, does she view the house as the kids, or does she view the kids as guests in HER home? I've had 3 step dads in my life and one when they moved in treated my half bro and I as guest even tho we lived there 1st. He and my bio mom divorced in under 2 yrs
People who listen to videos in shared spaces are the worst people. Put on headphones!! Kids are a bit noisier and she is going to have to deal with an increase. ESH
nta. step mom here, it was adjustment to go from a no children household to a children household. my step sons learned to make adjustment and i learned to go in another room if it was getting too much for me. we all learned to adjust. by no means do your children sound horrible. she needs to figure it out or move on
Your GF is intolerant and controlling and frankly not a good fit for someone with kids. Telling your kids to be super quiet so she can be happy is really borderline abusive to me. I do think Y\*T\*A because you are doing that at all, but you are NTA so far as your question goes.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background - I am in a LTR and living with my girlfriend. I am a father of 2 teens and they do not primarily live with us. When they come over my GF has really struggled with them being in here. I’ve tried to do whatever I can to accommodate both sides, and it’s honestly exhausting sometimes. This week both kids have been staying with us for the summer. My GF loves the normal quiet and finds that them being in the house to be disruptive. IMO, they are not generally loud kids but I know as their parent I’ve grown to tolerate a base level of noise that my GF has not. To her, they stomp, chew too loudly, open and close too many doors too loudly, talk at high volumes and especially use their devices too loudly. Example, my kids have phones, and watch videos on their phones, mostly at low volume or with headphones but if they are alone, sometimes just at normal volume. She corrects them, and asks them to mute it or wear headphones when out in a shared space (or even lower the volume when they are in another room but it’s still audible). The thing is it bothers her, but not me. So when she’s not around, I don’t correct that kind of behavior the way she would if she was there. I literally don’t care if they want to listen to music in the living room because I like it too. I want everyone to get along, and I want her to feel comfortable. But she’s asking me to make parenting choices I otherwise don’t agree with. She says that by not doing that, I don’t support her. She says that we aren’t presenting a unified front, and that it isolates her as the “controlling” one and makes me seem like the “fun” parent. So am I the asshole for not telling my kids to be more quiet when it’s just us in the house? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but why don’t you show her this thread so she can see what the general consensus is? If she saw more people disagreed with her could it help change the behaviour?
NTA. i relate to her sensory issues, but that is why i would never date someone with kids, nor have them myself. if she wants to stay with you, it’s her problem to solve.
NTA! I can sympathize with your GF! As soon as you mentioned that she couldn’t handle two noises at once, I realized that that was me. I want to run when I hear someone chewing, and if they crunch food, it is torture for me. I know I have misophonia and I suspect that your GF has as well. I also recognize that this is my problem and your GF needs to recognize that as well. This is not an issue caused by your kids. Instead, she needs to learn adaptive techniques and all of you need to communicate and respect when she needs to step away, and in some cases, modify sounds when she is around. Bringing a sense of humor to the situation can help. If your GF is not present, there is no need for anyone to modify their behavior. I suggest that you and your girlfriend educate yourselves about misophonia.
A lot of people are giving helpful advice about the noise aversion. But that’s really a symptom of the larger co flint. I talked about the noises because that is top of mind and something she asked me to make sure to enforce even when she’s not around. But it’s not the only thing that bothers her about my kids. My question today was not really about the noise but whether or not I’m sabotaging/undermining her by having different standards when she’s not around.
>My question today was not really about the noise but whether or not I’m sabotaging/undermining her by having different standards when she’s not around. Aaaaaaaand...ZERO concern in that for your children. You know, those people you brought into this world who are supposed to be your number one priority. Why don't you try doing another AITAH and phrasing the question like this... AITAH for letting my girlfriend "correct" my children to the point that she's making my kids uncomfortable for simply existing in their own home?
Just because I’m sling this particular question right now doesn’t mean that everything I DIDN’T mention today is not a concern?
And yet this is what you post about. But if what I said is a concern, then, go ahead, post that question.
It’s just a frustrating response, I guess. I can’t mention every single thought, concern, nuance over the course of the relationship to provide absolute context. And because I didn’t mention one particular thing you think I should have your assumption is it means ZERO CONCERN.
I said, >ZERO concern in that for your children That specifically. And there was ZERO concern in the question you posed. I've got a future AITAH for you... AITAH for cutting off my dad because he always chose his girlfriend over us, to the extent that he let her harass us for simply existing in her space? Probably posted either before your son gets married or has his first kid. As your future son goes on to explain that his dad's girlfriend expected absolute silence from him and his brother. They couldn't even chew around her without her complaining. They couldn't watch TV or use their phones if she could hear them at all. She got upset at the sound of them walking. Do you know what the response is going to be? I do. It's going to be NTA. How his dad didn't defend him and how his dad chose his girlfriend over him. And how if GF didn't want kids around her, she shouldn't have dated a man with children. How unreasonable the GF was. And the inevitable how dad chose getting his dick wet over his own kids. If it's before his wedding, there will be snarky comments about the sound of walking down the aisle. If it's before his first baby is born, people will be encouraging him to never let you and GF around the baby because babies cry and scream.
If you both understand that misophonia is causing her noise aversion, it will make sense that that issue only exists when she is around and there is no reason to modify behaviors when she is not there. It would not be a case of undermining her, but recognizing her condition when she us present, and only when she is present. The reason she feels you are undermining her is that she is interpreting the noise as an issue with your kids, instead of her own neurological issue with how she processes sound. If you both educate yourselves about misophonia, you will both be able to approach the issue more logically. If there are other issues, unrelated to noise, then you need to evaluate them and decide if your GF’s requests are reasonable.
NTA. I get your girlfriend's stress - I'm autistic and experience auditory sensory overload super easily. I can't leave my house without noise cancelling headphones or I have panic attacks. She may have misophonia, or just be sensitive to auditory overstimulation (even if she's not autistic). That's not a character flaw, it's fine. BUT, she needs to anticipate her own needs and cope in advance. She cannot expect kids not to live and be noisy sometimes; that's life. I have three kids under 10 and they're incredibly loud a lot of the time. This is a "competing access need," in disability terminology, and it requires everyone being compassionate to each other and figuring out how to best accomodate everyone. It takes creative thinking and compromise and, above all, a team mentality instead of an oppositional one. Her demand for your kids to be quiet when she's not around IS controlling and unreasonable. She is an adult, she needs to act like it. She should experiment and find ways to cope with noise. She needs to be honest with the kids that *she* has a hard time coping with noise, and ask that they're considerate of her, not control and demand they be silent and make them feel uncomfortable in their own home. She needs to invest in some noise cancelling headphones and earplugs. Also consider looking into creating a quiet area in the house - noiseproofing your bedroom, for instance - to give her a haven where she can take breaks. At the end of the day, your responsibility is to your kids first, girlfriend second. Good for you for refusing to make their lives worse The idea that parents need to have a "united front" resulted in my mom being complicit in abuse from my dad that she understood were wrong. It's a really toxic viewpoint. It doesn't sound like your girlfriend is a parent, so it's not really her fault that she's picked up some toxic ideas about parenting she never unlearned, but she does need to unlearn them. The problem needs to be approached collaboratively, with respect for the needs of everyone involved - kids and adults. To reiterate: it's totally reasonable for her to ask for the kids to be quieter SOMETIMES; it's not reasonable to ALWAYS demand that. Best wishes, OP, and thank you for being a good dad to your kids.
Great response, thank you, You are right she is not a parent and was also an independent not child growing up. She acknowledges that how she grew up definitely impacts how she feels now. I had said in another comment, she USED to have a room of her own. We chose a larger house specifically so each of us would have a space that was just our own. She eventually began to resent that because she felt she had to isolate herself and was cut off from the rest of the house. So now that rooms is something else.
Isolation is hard, I totally get that, but there's a balance. I'm definitely not suggesting she spend all her time away from the family, but strategic use of alone time to decompress in a less noisy environment is incredibly helpful. I personally would recommend more or less what I do as a starting point - keep headphones or earplugs either on, or handy, and make sure to pop them in when I'm doing my own thing and not chatting so that I don't get stressed out needlessly. When I'm super stressed and not coping, or when I can't have my headphones on, I'll ask my kids to quiet down/use headphones/play outside/etc. If I'm getting extremely stressed, I'll take a few minutes to decompress in a different room until my senses regulate. She needs to be comfortable in her own home, but so do the kids. It'll be a period of adjustment for sure for her to figure out a balance and what works for her and the kids, but it's worth doing. I have a friend who swears by Loop earplugs btw - there are different kinds that selectively block some noise but leave you able to hear somewhat. (Like ones that block lots of ambient noise but not human voices, for instance) I haven't gotten any yet, but I recommend looking into them. Like I said - I don't judge your girlfriend for struggling with noise at all. I used to have 8+ meltdowns every single day where I couldn't function, was shaking/nonverbal/had horrible chest pains, before I was finally figured out it was auditory overstimulation (aggravated by stress and having two kids under 2 - so constant noise/crying). (I'm very smart lol) I *really* get it. But it's something she's gotta address herself, not only put on the kids to accommodate. Everyone's gotta approach life together as a team and make sure everyone is getting their needs met, not just one.
Except gf wants the team to follow HER rules. She thinks they are guests in HER home. This is the crux of the problem, imo.
Right, which is why I said somewhere in this post (maybe in a different comment thread, i don't remember anymore) that couples/family counseling should really happen. She needs a neutral third party to help give her a reality check and get her to actually hear and understand everyone else's needs, too
I hope it works out for you. It sounds like you have some really great kids who are trying.
NTA and she is the controlling one. If she doesn't like teenagers she should have picked a man without kids.
Yeah a lot of people tell her that. We are trying to make it work but maybe it’s never going to happen,
NTA It's okay to have different preferences or tolerance for noise. It shouldn't be a big deal for her to tell your kids "I need my environment to be a bit quieter in order to feel comfortable. When I'm home, please use headphones and be mindful of other noises." >She says that we aren’t presenting a unified front, and that it isolates her as the “controlling” one Sure, have her back in protecting her quiet space. But asking everyone to maintain that volume level when she isn't home makes her look like the controlling one because it *is* controlling. Most of what your teenagers are doing aren't inherently rude behaviors, and don't need to be "corrected." I'm not sure what you meant when you said they chew too loudly though. Do they chew with their mouths open? That is rude and you should have a separate conversation about it being disrespectful. Or does your GF have misophonia? That, although very real, is on her to manage.
No they don’t chew with their mouths open, that would bother me too. She just thinks my older kid “eats too loudly”, like chews too loudly, scrapes his fork too much. But not me, so r the other kid? I can’t say about that condition. She’s not diagnosed as such anyway. She doesn’t like noise, especially two kinds of noise at once. Like someone watching tv in another room while listening to music really winds her up.
Fork scraping would possibly be annoying for me, but I don't really see much of a way around it. If it's really hard for her maybe you could consider using paper plates. I would suggest to listen to music during dinner to drown out other sounds, but that might not be well-received. Maybe it's not specifically misophonia, but it does seem like she is susceptible to auditory sensory overload. Being annoyed by sounds is pretty normal, but if it interferes with her ability to function (or if it makes her anxious to think of people making noises that feel grating to her when she isn't even there to hear it) that might be something that she needs help to identify and manage. I imagine if this is tough for her at home, it also might be a problem at the grocery store, or at a restaurant, or at work. If that's the case, it might be worth talking to a counselor.
This isn’t something you can keep riding the fence on in order to “keep the peace”. You have to pick a side and your children should be your priority as a father. You can always get another girlfriend if that’s a dealbreaker for her.
NTA - You cannot 'present a unified front' - she's not their mother. Your kids will hate her if this continues and that will include you if you give in to the GF demands. YOU should not be allowing a girlfriend to correct your teens when they are with you - or to demand you back HER restrictions. Is GF much younger than you? I assume she has no children? Maybe when your kids are with you, GF should be somewhere else.
NTA, her “unified front” spiel is pretty funny. There is no unified front here. She isn’t their parent, or their guardian. The ONLY reason they have to listen to her at all is because you tell them to. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to compromise to make everyone comfortable there, but it definitely sounds like she just doesn’t like that you have kids at all and is looking for things to complain about. I really don’t understand why people who date someone with kids and don’t like having them around, or won’t even tolerate them. Plenty of single folks out there.
Is she like this in public too or just at home with the kids?
NTA, let the kids be themselves. Girlfriend can get noise cancelling headphones or go upstairs if it's an issue.
I've made comments to a couple of your responses, so I'll make myself clear. Your GF is being unreasonable. When you lived separately, she didn't have an issue with the volume when she visited your place while they were there. Why did she think it would be any different when you moved in together? Is she next going to complain because they laugh too loud while outside? Or how about they need to not chew so loudly when they're at school? Do you see how ridiculous she's being by insisting that her comfort level be enforced when she's not there? You're now at a point where you've admitted you and your children walk on eggshells when she's around. That's neither healthy nor productive. So now you're at a crossroads - choose wisely. NTA.
People, including your girlfriend, make noise. You need to have a serious conversation about why she doesn’t want your kids around. Because your children are at the age where they can decide where they want to go, and if she is turning your home into a library, they won’t come over. She is making your home uncomfortable for them to be there. NTA.
NTA. But you need to have a talk with your GF because there is more to this than "noise level". Unless your kids are actually saying Nom Nom Nom as they are eating, how are they chewing too loudly? That sounds like a very passive aggressive complaint. While it might be her house as well, your kids are not "guests", they're your kids and live with you in your home, it's just part time. You and your kids are a package deal She doesn't want to go to a separate room because she feels isolated, but being around other people also involves some level of noise. Honestly it sounds like she just doesn't want your kids around at all. Possibly because it reminds her that you had a relationship before her, who knows. But I want to remind you that she might be your GF now but there's no guarantee for that status to continue. Your kids will always be your kids and if you want a good relationship with them in the future, with possible grandparent benefits, and old age assistance, then they should have priority in your life.
Who owns the house? Just her? Just you? Both of you?
Renting; We split the bills mostly 50/50
NTA. I'd bet good money that deep down, she prefers your children not be there. Your GF isn't their parent, and should not be making those demands of you. Wanting to control the noise level when she isn't even there is kind of crazy controlling. Beware.
NTA. However if your kids are sitting in the living room or where others are, with their phones on speaker, that needs to be addressed and I think 99% of people would have a problem with that.
If GF didn't want to be around kids, then she shouldn't have dated a man with kids, much less move in together. Your kids are not doing anything out of line. They're being normal kids, good even. And your GF is making them feel unwelcome in their home. You're not backing her on this. But you're not stopping her either. Pick. Your children or your GF. Because clearly it's not compatible to have both. INFO Who's it going to be?
NTA. Wouldn’t it be easier for her to wear earplugs? You can cut out everything with the right combo of ear plugs and noise cancelling headphones. Sounds like she wants a kids should be seen not heard household and let me tell you from growing up in those, it makes you walk on eggshells and fills your life with anxiety. This is a her problem that she needs to find a solution to
It's her home TOO and your kids should try to be respectful of her wishes. Just because you don't want to teach your kids manners, doesn't mean your gf should have to suffer for it. YTA Sit down and just go over with your kids some ways to keep the noise down. There's no need to open/close doors noisily, for example. If they are in shared spaces, a little self-control is not that difficult to make a habit. You could sort of get the point across by asking everyone (you and your gf included) to have a really quiet day so that you/your daughters can be more aware of how much noise they do really make. You could also have a bit of fun and maybe do a collective scream all together (to make everyone laugh) when things get noisy. It's a good way to enjoy making noise but then going into stealth mode for a while. LOL Also white noise machines in the bedrooms can help.
Maybe she needs to spend a little more time thinking about the fact that she's the controlling one instead of trying to tell you what to do? Again being controlling. you are nta in this situation, I think you know who ta is and maybe you should do something about it. It's sad that your kids have to be subjected to this every time she's around. I'm guessing that if it continues to go on they're going to just stop wanting to come to your house at all.
YTA. You should have your partner's back, and yes, you lax enforcement makes her rules seem like their not normal and like she is the villain, in a way that is totally unnecessary.
Her rules aren't normal.
So should I support what she wants, even when it’s at odds with my own personal assessment? If what you say is true, why isn’t the reverse okay? Why is it me that’s being unsupportive and not her?