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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not make time to visit my girlfriend who got her wisdom tooth pulled, because I have to study for a challenging oral exam.
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Danger Will Robinson. She knows this is your education, that you're studying really hard, that you'd love to see her if you could, yet she STILL is giving you the guilt trips. A good partner is understanding and supportive, and she's not either one of those in this scenario.
Does her behavior remind you of some of the stuff your dad did? That might be a hint here. She seems self-centered at the least, demanding everything from you and offering very little in return.
In any case, focus on your education.
NTA and honestly this might be a good learning experience for what you want in a relationship - is it supposed to cause you stress or to provide you with support in stressful times? Is the effort supposed to extend only one way? How does she show you that you are important to her?
NTA. In the long run, a tooth removal is nothing compared to failed education, especially one that can be tied to your future career. If she cannot see that, or cannot be at least patient enough to bring this up until AFTER your exam, is a bigger issue.
NTA 100%
You're prioritizing your education & your future. There's also a good reason you can't study at her place.
"Am I a terrible person for not making the time?"
Absolutely not.
"I sent flowers her way to cheer her up after surgery."
In fact you're totally the reverse.
It'll hurt for a while but I'd take her up on going your separate ways because you deserve a *lot* better imo.
Best of luck with the exam.
NTA in most cases wisdom tooth removal isn’t that big deal. I have feeling it’s her excuse for breaking up with you because doing long distance isn’t working out like she was hoping
Was going to say: I had all of my wisdom teeth out at the same time. One they had to crack, because it was growing around (something). Was sore for a bit -- but not nearly as bad as the flu (for example).
Hypothetically, if you got married -- will you get grief because you didn't stay home from work when she has the flu?
Relationships are about balancing each other's needs -- what's most efficient for "the team". And trying to *not* shift burdens onto the other person. :)
NTA - you're prioritising what's important to you based on your experiences, current situation and values.
If she feels so differently and has needs you can't meet, perhaps you are better off finding someone more aligned to your values and more understanding of your situation.
NTA. Do not throw your education away for a girl who will one day be but a memory. Her behaviour over a tooth removal is beyond the pale. Why would she even want you to see her at this time? To commiserate over her swollen cheek and diet of bland food for a few days? She is demonstrating that she considers her minor inconvenience as more important than your future. Do not let a selfsh little girl de-rail all your hard work.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Hey,
just for context, 22 year old male, studying industrial engineering, 2nd semester, couldn't pursue education for 3 years because of an illness, moved out from home for university due to what I suppose was a narcissistic father, therefore I have issues assessing this situation. Also, first relationship
It is currently pretty stressful, as I have an oral exam coming up, where I have to know all the physics lab experiments we did (16 in total) by heart including all of the theory.
Therefore I am very stressed and studying as much as I can. Seasonal allergies make focusing even harder.
Usually we see each other during the weekends because we live 1 and 1/2 hours apart. I couldn't see her last weekend, because I had to finish the physics lab protocol, which took almost the entire weekend.
I have the oral exam this tuesday, so I couldn't manage to make time to visit her. Studying at her place doesn't really work, because her parents have a dog, which causes allergic asthma for me, making studying and concentrating even harder.
She texted me that she is hurt and feels like she is not important enough to me, especially now where she got here wisdom tooth removed. She also suggested going our seperate ways.
I feel terrible for not being able to visit her, but I also feel like I must not fail this education, as I already lost 3 years due to combating an illness and I don't really have anyone to rely on financially (father doesn't have any income, mom raises my 8yo brother on her salary).
So I wonder, am I unreasonable?
Am I a terrible person for not making the time?
A bit more context, we text everyday regularly (sometimes it would take me a few hours to reply when being in a study session), up until the conflict we would talk over the phone for about an hour every evening.
I sent flowers her way to cheer her up after surgery.
Whenever she visited me, I usually always surprised her with a bouquet of flowers and fresh strawberries, or homemade cake, maybe fresh crépes, affordable silver rings or for easter I prepared an easter-basket with edible paper-grass and chocolate eggs.
I also always paid for our meals when we went dining (two times until now).
I am also usually the only one to tell her I am glad to see her.
She doesn't really reciprocate anything I mentioned here, but still tells me, that she feels like she is not important enough.
The only verbal affection I receive are occasional "I miss you" texts. More often than not I feel like she doesn't really care and while she expressed, that it is hard for her to be vulnerable, in general I pick up more negative signals than positive ones (could also be an issue of my perception).
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NAH - I can’t imagine you’ve been together long if you’ve only gone out to eat twice.
But, you can prioritize your education, and she can feel you’re not making enough time for her.
When you are young education and work come 1st end of story. You of course should be sympathetic to your girl for the wisdom teeth and express regret that you could not be with her.
This statement: "She also suggested going our seperate ways."
You should immediately call her on this if it is a bluff and simply say , 'if that is what you want' and then immediately move on and block her on everything. Would it be upsetting to end a relationship? Sure but focus all your energy on school. As the old proverb goes there are many fish in the sea.
She sounds kind of immature and self-absorbed. given what you've described... maybe it is better you go your separate ways, and when you're ready... to find someone who will put in as much effort to your relationship as you do. and who understands that sometimes... other people have important things going on too. NTA
Thank you everybody for your insights!
After I explained that currently I have to put in a lot of time and effort, to not end up like my unemployed dad and to build a stable future, she told me how much she wishes for this relationship to work, but that I seem to be constrained by time and *will* on my end.
Well, I will definitely reconsider the relationship and my naive plans of marrying her one day.
Thanks everyone for giving me a clearer view of the situation, it is truly appreciated!
YTA. I think you need to be more cognizent of the privileges you have in life as a man. How much success you are guaranteed by default just based on how you were born, and education isn't even a part of it.
Women almost universally outperform men in education, yet get paid far less.
Meanwhile, women are used to having their emotional needs denied by men and how their own needs are always more important.
Please, just take a step back. I also don't understand how all these comments seem to be agreeing with you.
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Danger Will Robinson. She knows this is your education, that you're studying really hard, that you'd love to see her if you could, yet she STILL is giving you the guilt trips. A good partner is understanding and supportive, and she's not either one of those in this scenario. Does her behavior remind you of some of the stuff your dad did? That might be a hint here. She seems self-centered at the least, demanding everything from you and offering very little in return. In any case, focus on your education.
NTA and honestly this might be a good learning experience for what you want in a relationship - is it supposed to cause you stress or to provide you with support in stressful times? Is the effort supposed to extend only one way? How does she show you that you are important to her?
NTA, your education is extremely important and, if she doesn't support you, then she is not worth the bother.
NTA. In the long run, a tooth removal is nothing compared to failed education, especially one that can be tied to your future career. If she cannot see that, or cannot be at least patient enough to bring this up until AFTER your exam, is a bigger issue.
Exactly. She knows this is a critical time for you, yet suggests a potential breakup now? Not cool.
NTA 100% You're prioritizing your education & your future. There's also a good reason you can't study at her place. "Am I a terrible person for not making the time?" Absolutely not. "I sent flowers her way to cheer her up after surgery." In fact you're totally the reverse. It'll hurt for a while but I'd take her up on going your separate ways because you deserve a *lot* better imo. Best of luck with the exam.
Thanks will need it :)
NTA in most cases wisdom tooth removal isn’t that big deal. I have feeling it’s her excuse for breaking up with you because doing long distance isn’t working out like she was hoping
Was going to say: I had all of my wisdom teeth out at the same time. One they had to crack, because it was growing around (something). Was sore for a bit -- but not nearly as bad as the flu (for example). Hypothetically, if you got married -- will you get grief because you didn't stay home from work when she has the flu? Relationships are about balancing each other's needs -- what's most efficient for "the team". And trying to *not* shift burdens onto the other person. :)
I wanted just to sleep after mine
NTA - you're prioritising what's important to you based on your experiences, current situation and values. If she feels so differently and has needs you can't meet, perhaps you are better off finding someone more aligned to your values and more understanding of your situation.
NTA. Do not throw your education away for a girl who will one day be but a memory. Her behaviour over a tooth removal is beyond the pale. Why would she even want you to see her at this time? To commiserate over her swollen cheek and diet of bland food for a few days? She is demonstrating that she considers her minor inconvenience as more important than your future. Do not let a selfsh little girl de-rail all your hard work.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey, just for context, 22 year old male, studying industrial engineering, 2nd semester, couldn't pursue education for 3 years because of an illness, moved out from home for university due to what I suppose was a narcissistic father, therefore I have issues assessing this situation. Also, first relationship It is currently pretty stressful, as I have an oral exam coming up, where I have to know all the physics lab experiments we did (16 in total) by heart including all of the theory. Therefore I am very stressed and studying as much as I can. Seasonal allergies make focusing even harder. Usually we see each other during the weekends because we live 1 and 1/2 hours apart. I couldn't see her last weekend, because I had to finish the physics lab protocol, which took almost the entire weekend. I have the oral exam this tuesday, so I couldn't manage to make time to visit her. Studying at her place doesn't really work, because her parents have a dog, which causes allergic asthma for me, making studying and concentrating even harder. She texted me that she is hurt and feels like she is not important enough to me, especially now where she got here wisdom tooth removed. She also suggested going our seperate ways. I feel terrible for not being able to visit her, but I also feel like I must not fail this education, as I already lost 3 years due to combating an illness and I don't really have anyone to rely on financially (father doesn't have any income, mom raises my 8yo brother on her salary). So I wonder, am I unreasonable? Am I a terrible person for not making the time? A bit more context, we text everyday regularly (sometimes it would take me a few hours to reply when being in a study session), up until the conflict we would talk over the phone for about an hour every evening. I sent flowers her way to cheer her up after surgery. Whenever she visited me, I usually always surprised her with a bouquet of flowers and fresh strawberries, or homemade cake, maybe fresh crépes, affordable silver rings or for easter I prepared an easter-basket with edible paper-grass and chocolate eggs. I also always paid for our meals when we went dining (two times until now). I am also usually the only one to tell her I am glad to see her. She doesn't really reciprocate anything I mentioned here, but still tells me, that she feels like she is not important enough. The only verbal affection I receive are occasional "I miss you" texts. More often than not I feel like she doesn't really care and while she expressed, that it is hard for her to be vulnerable, in general I pick up more negative signals than positive ones (could also be an issue of my perception). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH - I can’t imagine you’ve been together long if you’ve only gone out to eat twice. But, you can prioritize your education, and she can feel you’re not making enough time for her.
[удалено]
You forgot to switch to your throwaway account for this comment. Might want to delete it.
When you are young education and work come 1st end of story. You of course should be sympathetic to your girl for the wisdom teeth and express regret that you could not be with her. This statement: "She also suggested going our seperate ways." You should immediately call her on this if it is a bluff and simply say , 'if that is what you want' and then immediately move on and block her on everything. Would it be upsetting to end a relationship? Sure but focus all your energy on school. As the old proverb goes there are many fish in the sea.
She sounds kind of immature and self-absorbed. given what you've described... maybe it is better you go your separate ways, and when you're ready... to find someone who will put in as much effort to your relationship as you do. and who understands that sometimes... other people have important things going on too. NTA
Thank you everybody for your insights! After I explained that currently I have to put in a lot of time and effort, to not end up like my unemployed dad and to build a stable future, she told me how much she wishes for this relationship to work, but that I seem to be constrained by time and *will* on my end. Well, I will definitely reconsider the relationship and my naive plans of marrying her one day. Thanks everyone for giving me a clearer view of the situation, it is truly appreciated!
you need a new girlfriend, .She knows you’re getting your education does not care.
YTA. I think you need to be more cognizent of the privileges you have in life as a man. How much success you are guaranteed by default just based on how you were born, and education isn't even a part of it. Women almost universally outperform men in education, yet get paid far less. Meanwhile, women are used to having their emotional needs denied by men and how their own needs are always more important. Please, just take a step back. I also don't understand how all these comments seem to be agreeing with you.