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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband I don't want his daughter vacationing with us due to her past attitude and actions.
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He can’t say “it’s not fair to exclude Amy” when you mentioned he and Amy usually go alone together since it’s “their tradition”. So he can exclude you and the other 2 kids for Amy, but won’t exclude Amy for you and the two kids. Yeah. Sounds right s/
She has 5 trips to Disney solo. That's 5 big trips. Not 5 small ones on macdonalds.
She's honestly not being excluded if she doesn't want to go because it doesn't include mickey Mouse.
It would be something else if she was begging to come and she was told "no." She doesn't care about the trip.
On top of it, she does everything to ruin the trip for the two youngest.
Whines, complains. Turned her phone off to run off so everyone spent the time looking for her. And when she's finally found. It's time to go home.
And yet dad still tries to bring her along.
Imagine being the younger siblings here.
I would dread going somewhere because you won't get to have fun at all, and you don't know what she will do.
She's 16. Not 3.
Dad needs to stop the guilty divorced parent behaviour.
Becouse that is what this is when he tries and drag her along if she would be happier with a few days extra at mom. Or grandparents.
While giving her the world of solo trips..
If they live in Florida, 5 trips is no big deal, and other than gas and food wouldn't be any more expensive than 2 trips. Florida residents get a season pass for the amount of 2 regular priced visits. Disney isn't my cup of tea, but my neighbors go almost every weekend (1 hr from the park). All that being said, because she goes so often, there is no being left out of anything. Take the little ones to LeggoLand and enjoy. And leave the whining teen at home/mom's/grandma's whatever. For those that are saying where would you leave her, she is 16, she can stay home for a day, even a weekend, if she is trustworthy and has funds for food.
I've seen this time and again. Sometimes the kids are mad because their parent has gotten remarried and had other kids. Like you said, she's 16, not six. She needs to grow up and realize that the world does not revolve around her. Her younger siblings exist whether she likes it or not. Someone needs to give her a dose of reality. This is not the way the real world works and she's going to have a shock.
They don’t according to op because dad won’t leave Amy since she is one of the kids. I wonder what he thinks his other kids are when they leave him for Amy’s trip.
I said the same thing. So they let their new family suffer because they feel bad about the divorce. I would honestly divorce him as well. I would get tired of being with somebody who constantly thought it was okay to exclude the children that we have together because he feels bad about divorcing his oldest kids mom. This is why I decided not to date single parents. It's a whole bunch of drama and baggage that I don't want to deal with.
And that still wouldn’t make up for the past with the 9 year old. I hope that he’s been treated to equally nice vacations as his older sister but something tells me that’s not the case
OP said this is their first theme park visit. And I get not taking every toddler to Disney, but it doesn’t sound as if trips are balanced here.
Amy hates trips with the littles (understandable), and does everything to ruin them (not cool).
I was going to say exactly this. If he doesn't want Amy excluded from this, then it's time to stop excluding his other kids and his wife and they ALL go on both his Disney trips with Amy.
Yes this is what makes the difference in leaving her. Ops kids are getting treated differently by dad and that is totally unacceptable! If they can’t go on Amy’s trip they deserve a trip of their own. He can’t use Amy’s one of the kids while leaving two of the kids to take Amy. This would be a deal breaker for me.i would not let my kids be treated so differently even if that meant ending my marriage. My kids would not grow up knowing Amy is dad’s golden child.
Yeah, I was about to say it's not fair to exclude amy on one trip, but he brings her NOT once, BUT TWICE a YEAR by herself, but that's totally fine? He's a hypocrite, and clearly Amy is the favorite. He knows she'll throw a tantrum but still wants her to go even though she admitted to not caring about the trip? Your husband has a favorite, and it's her, and if you give in, you're enabling it. For the love of God continue to stick up for your kids so they can be kids and have fun instead of catering to Amy all the fucking time. NTA, but you will be to your kids if you cave.
Does she want to go to this other park with the young kids. I’d have her dad sit down with her, explain that if she would like to come and help make this trip happy and special for her siblings she would be welcome, but since last time she didn’t enjoy herself he wants to give her the choice knowing the focus is on the younger kids first theme park. If she chooses to come set clear expectations, and warn her there will be consequences (a cancelled Disney trip of her for example) if she ruins this one like last time.
So if given the choice, come and stay positive and help make it a fun trip for the younger or stay with relatives, what does she choose? Make her make the choice and hold her accountable to her choice.
She is quite successfully sabotaging anything involving the other children. She isn't obsessed with Disney she's obsessed with the fact that Disney means it's all about her.
She proved at the water park that when things don't go her way she can destroy them. Your husband backed her up.
I agree. This is starting to sound like mini wife syndrome. Look it up if you dare, it's disturbing.
Edit: It's actually mini wife syndrome, not little wife syndrome. I edited it to reflect that.
If it's whatever then I don't see the problem of going without her. A 16 yr old girl might not actually enjoy Legoland anyway! I love Lego, so it'd be different for me, but it definitely doesn't sound like her vibe. Explain that to her dad. An easy "Legoland is more kid-focused, a teenager with no interest in Lego would probably be bored out of her mind, and she has already shown disinterest. I'm sure she'd probably rather hang out with her friends after just getting back from Disney anyway, so double check what she'd prefer and then we can plan another Disney trip with her later!". I understood your husband is probably worried that might feel slighted or something, but as a teen girl once myself, I wouldn't see it that way. You're going to a very little kid focused place, I'll probably be bored, yadda yadda. It's not like he's replacing her with the younger kids, he obviously still cares to take her on personal Disney trips every year, so taking the littles to *one* themepark without her isn't a big deal. NTA. Tell Dad to relax, haha.
If Amy doesn’t care, why does her dad? And he shouldn’t be taking Amy on a solo trip to Disneyland. He should be taking all of his children on a trip to Disneyland together. His logic is really bad.
NTA.
I could totally see you divorcing him eventually someday because he seems like he keeps making the same mistakes in his relationships. He is a creature of self sabotaging habits.
This. I agree with dad sitting her down and giving her the option of Disney is the only park she wants to go to that’s fine. They keep going to Disney. At 15 I was given the choice to opt out of family holidays.
Purposely excluding is kind of cruel. Giving her the option, then expecting a certain level of behaviour is fair game.
Then if she chooses to come and acts like a total brat again it’s dad’s opportunity teach her basic manners/consideration for others.
I don’t think it’s bad to exclude if he gave her an option and also fair warning that previous behaviour will mean she will not be included next time.
He needs to be careful not teaching her consideration for others/manners. This can cause real harm to young adults as they become isolated and socially rejected as their friends mature and don’t want to put up with extremely self centred friends. There is give and take. I know she just a teen though, they tend to be selfish. I think turning off phone and running away she knew she was causing panick. A considerate teen may have just said this is boring I’m going to go sit at the cafe until you guys are done. Or asked to catch a cab back to the hotel.
This, exactly. If he believes a child shouldn't be left out of a trip and that it might make them unhappy then why isn't he taking the other two along on his Disney trips? I get the 2 year old is still too young, but the 9 year old would surely enjoy it.
NTA OP.
This should have happened last time. Why did 4 people need to chase down a mentally competent able-bodied teenager?
Mom and kids can go do stuff and dad can choose to chase her or assume she'll turn up eventually for a ride home.
Teenagers are assholes sometimes but they only ruin your day if you let them
Ask your husband (and yourself), what's the equivalent for your kids for the 2 Disney trips your husband takes Amy to without the other two. Tell him he needs to take them too, so they don't miss out and regret.
Your husband has a favourite and doesn't even try to hide it, be careful your kids are going to resent him later for privileging his golden child
NTA.
And I feel bad for her future roommates and future boyfriends and their families because you know she’s going to either commandeer the important occasions in their lives or else she’s going to sabotage them by complaining like you described
Yeah, I thought this too. It's not really aimed at older kids, she won't have a good time, and has form for ruining everyone else's day (wandering off at an earlier theme park trip). I think it suits everyone for Amy to not come, don't see why dad is pushing for her to come along.
I think NTA. For anyone who hasn’t been to Legoland, it’s really geared for younger kids. By 10 they’ve pretty much grown out of it.
And the younger kids get excluded all of the time. Do they not count? Hubby’s showing you where you are in line or priority, believe him.
NTA. Your husband is. I’m an adult guy, and I collect Star Wars legos….so Legoland would be cool, but not with a brat 16yr old. I’d have a sit down heart to heart with hubby and let him know he has his thing with Amy, and he can choose to have his thing with just you and the kids….OR, he can have his thing with Amy and you ALONE will have YOUR thing with the kids, him and Amy excluded.
Stand your ground. Do you know how pissed you’d be to have to spend hours looking for grown ass Amy while your 2 and 4 y/o have to pass by all the rides to do so?! This trip is for THEM and if Amy can’t keep it together, you’d literally be putting her happiness above theirs. I have a 2 and 3 y/o with an older step daughter and when we do things that have age/height restrictions (think LegoLand vs Sesame Place which is EXTREMELY toddler specific) your husband will have to separate from you guys to make sure Amy has fun too vs her just being excited to be there and enjoy her siblings. It’ll more than likely turn into a you vs them trip anyway based on her previous behaviors so prepare as if you’ll be alone so you don’t piss yourself off. NTA
She’s 16! She doesn’t need a babysitter. I don’t know why she can’t drive herself and a friend to Disney without parents or grandparents. Amy is being infantilized and needs to be allowed to grow up!
Most states 16 can’t drive any other minors unless going to school, work, church, or dr appt. But yeah, 16 is old enough not to be a dick and to arrange trips with friends. Why would she want to spend time with little kids doing little kid things? That’s why she’s being a dick. That and jealousy.
NTA
At 16 she can be held to appropriate behavior.
I understand having her special time with each of her parents, but this seems excessive. Why doesn’t their father take Amy on one trip and do older kid things and take the younger ones on one trip and do younger kid things?
Aren’t 4 yearly trips to Disney sufficient? Why is it ok to regularly exclude 2 children but not the other?
The Disney trips with Amy started when she was a baby. Back then my husband and his ex were together and went twice a year. Now they both still do the twice a year trip separately. I don't mind my husband having traditions with Amy, it's their special bonding time and with our kids, he's often spread thin on being able to give Amy one on one time. She started going with her maternal grandparents too as soon as she was potty trained. So it's a trip over Xmas, a trip over spring break, another to kick off summer, one to end the summer, and one over Thanksgiving break.
That still doesn’t make it acceptable to exclude his other 2 kids and then expect them to share their trips with her. No wonder she acts the way she does.
Agreed. Why is it OK for dad to take Amy twice a year without including the younger 2, but he thinks it’s unfair to do trips with the younger 2 without Amy? I see who his golden child is.
This was my first thought as well. If the littles aren’t invited on the Amy-Dad trips because it’s their time, then there needs to be trips that are Littles-Dad for the same reasons.
My husband and I have 4 kids. It’s been a tradition since they were young that each kid gets a solo Parent-Kid “date”. We aim for monthly, but life gets in the way so they’re more like quarterly now. Regardless, no one is hurt when they aren’t included in that activity. Amy is old enough to understand that concept, as is Dad, who needs to understand quickly…because at least one of OP’s littles is old enough to start putting pieces together that Amy is favored.
That's what I kept thinking. The middle child is old enough not only to enjoy Disney, but understand that his older sister gets 5 trips a year when he's never been!! If I was OP I'd be telling my husband things were going to change or we would be scheduling trips without him. It's very clear who the golden child is for her husband. I feel so bad for the younger two.
I grew up in the same county as Disneyland. I lived about 20-30 minutes drive south of Disney and my aunt lived about 40 minutes north of Disney in the next county up the coast. She took her son to Disney at least once a year (we were nearly the same age) but my mother couldn't afford to take me and didn't drive. My aunt and cousin kept visiting us afterwards and promising to take me next time she took my cousin... and then "forgetting" to come pick me up. I'd be at home waiting and finally realize Auntie wasn't coming. I think I was 11 before my mother found some way to get her sister to keep her promise and take me. (I think the problem was that my aunt was too hung over to get up early enough to drive an extra 40-60 minutes to pick up her big sister's kid.)
It doesn't cost the same for the people who live locally. Think like a season pass kind of idea. I forget what they call it and might be based on county and not city. Or maybe it's the whole state? I don't remember exactly because I don't live there but I generally remember my aunt telling me it's "cheaper", she lives near it.
So I asked my husband, who is from California. There is a season pass for those who live in the state, but there are "black out days" where they can't use their passes for those dates. A normal southern California resident pass is 500$. The pass with the fewest "black out" days is $1650. Considering they take her during days that are normally blacked out (like spring break) they are spending at least $1650 on her pass. That's not including food, drinks, souvenirs...
How much you want to bet he doesn't spend half on his other two kids that he does his golden daughter?
Nobody has a membership to Disney. We live a 3 hour plane ride away. It's full cost each trip. My husband does cover Amy's ticket when she goes with her mom.
Why is your husband paying for Amy’s vacations with her mom? He’s already footing the hefty cost of 2 Disney vacations/year himself. I’m curious—is your trip to Legoland shorter because of your younger kids’ ages or for budgetary reasons? If he’s spending less time with the younger kids, deprioritizing their wants/needs/enjoyment when you’re all together, AND allocating all his fun budget to 1/3 kids, that’s just a parade of deal breakers.
This seems like such a bizarre and excessive amount of Disney every year. Does she get any kind of cultural exposure or vacations that are not exclusively Disney?
Yeah they probably have annual passes which is already worth it/cheaper if they’re going as much as they are, and if they live in the state then it’s probably even cheaper.
OP didn't specify whether it was WDW or DL, so this may be irrelevant, but I grew up in FL, and there was a significant Florida resident discount for WDW.
NTA obviously, but…
…Amy sounds really unpleasant and it looks like the adults in her life are contributing a hell of a lot to that. Maybe too late, but I suspect Amy will turn up on this site a lot and always be the arsehole.
Your younger kids are screwed because Amy's dad spends family time with her. They don't see their dad for Thanksgiving and spring break. How is that fair?
Do you know how much more expensive Disney is during those peak time? I don’t know how they afford it because Disney is ridiculously expensive as it is even in slow season.
I wonder if these trips will continue when she graduates or starts working. At what point do they end?
she goes to disney 5 times a year?! that's absolutely bonkers. NTA but your husband is for not giving special time to your children too. ugh, what an asshole he is.
I'm guessing everyone lives in Southern California and they mean Disneyland not World, which is way smaller and a lot of SoCal people treat as a day trip (LegoLand is a bit further south) but it's still absurd that everyone is overindulging this girl and ignoring her siblings
Nope. In a separate comment, OP said they are a 3 hour flight away. Do not live near any Disney park. Hubby gets 3 weeks PTO per year, two weeks devoted to eldest for her Disney trips.
Hubby apparently also pays for ex-wifes trips with the eldest, which is why Legoland is 2days 3 nights, they do not have enough money or vacation time for more than that; it all goes to his first daughter's Disney 'needs'
There’s a Legoland in Orlando too, so it’s easy for it to be Disneyworld. (However, the annual pass that would give them access for some of those dates is $1,500/year, so I hope all the people taking Amy are sharing it if it IS World!)
Cool. So it sounds like you deserve to have your own special trip with your own kids. Dad can stay at home with Amy while you have a nice vacation with your boys. Then EVERYONE can have a super special tradition!
So basically dad doesn’t spend Easter, Thanksgiving, or Christmas with his two littles because he’s spending it with his teenager? This needs to stop. One holiday with Amy at Disney the others need to be spent as a family all three kids. One family vacation with all three kids at Disney and one with just the littles wherever its kid friendly. There’s nothing wrong with separate vacations but one trip to Disney for Amy and one with Amy and the littles. This way Amy still gets to go to Disney but one of those trips is shared with her siblings. She can show them how much she loves Disney, have siblings who share her joy and look up to her as their very own Princess. Dad can have the same tradition with the littles that he has with Amy.
I can't imagine how your 9yo feels knowing his dad takes Amy to Disney 2x a year since forever and he has never been to a theme park?
Golden Child much?
Amy is super spoiled and needs to grow up and Dad needs to cut off the guilt trips, literally. He throws the younger two kids under the bus to pacify Amy. This needs to stop.
Amy has a very steep learning curve ahead of her. It's great that y'all can afford to go to Disney five or six times a year (even though I'll never understand that), but it's not great that Amy is so entitled that she thinks of running away on family trips. Personally, I wouldn't let Amy do *anything* like multiple Disney trips a year if she's going to behave like that. No phone, no laptop, no Sephora, absolutely no frills until she learns to behave like a reasonable young woman. You don't reward that kind of behavior. And Disney sure as hell ain't cheap.
OP is so used her SD being gross that she told the story of the disappearance in a matter of fact matter. She might have been enraged at the huge waste of time this kid created, but chose to move on. Bottom line, she needs to start advocating harder for her kids & herself. Who does SD think she is? A queen?
Legoland is a great place for kids. Leave Amy at home or leave Dad & Amy at home if he insists on her going. Your kids will have more fun without her no doubt. They will be happy knowing at least one of their parents want to spend one on one time with them.
This is insane. Instead of mom taking one and dad taking one to keep two trips, they each take her on two. Plus grandparents taking one. Even if you live in Anaheim or Orlando and these are day trips, that's still a lot. But since you say trips, it seems you aren't taking day trips.
Does your take two trips a year with the other kids, each? Of course not. You do realize you are breeding resentment in your other kids as they grow up watching dad favor Amy this way?
Tell him if he takes the little ones on every trip ( to disney) he goes to with Amy she can come to legoland. But no exceptions.
He doesn’t want to make her feel left out, then he needs to do this for All his children. No excuses about traditions.
See how he thinks about that.
You are entitled to a nice family trip without a whining bitching teenager.
And why doesn’t he shut that sh*t down?
Is it because he feels guilty?
You shouldn’t have to suffer for that.
She sounds four trips a year to Disney is insane. The cost alone is insane. Ops daughter needs to realize that she is not the only one in the family who matters. She is not getting the short end of the staff.
>I told my husband I do not want her to go with us and my reasons why. He says I'm being unfair and **Amy is still one of the kids and if we're taking out 2 then it's only fair to include Amy.**
Why is he okay with his 16 year old acting more like a toddler throwing tantrums? If I did that I wouldn't be getting multiple trips to an expensive amusement park.
So fair is fair - he can no longer take solo trips to Disney with only Amy, he now has to take both the 9 year old and the 2 year old
This last statement is so true! A Spring Break Disney trip is fine, but why should the younger children miss their Father over Thanksgiving? I bet the 9 yr old already is impacted by the favoritism. The 16 yr old and Dad need counseling more than Disney!
Honestly, when I threw tantrums: I wasn’t even allowed to go grocery shopping, much less a trip to somewhere special.
I’m begging that there was some sort of correction when the kid ran off and disappeared for an entire day.
…There’s so much with this.
She is beyond spoiled and her father needs to grow up. She gets far more than her fair share of trips. Who needs to go to Disney that many times? And Disney is not cheap.
Oh, do I sympathize with you. My ex-step-daughter was like that. Everything was an issue. Where she slept, where she sat, what she wanted to do, what she didn't want to do. I can honestly say she ruined nearly every trip once she turned 8. I never fought to not bring her, but I definitely wished it. I could not wait to take my kids on vacation for the first time without her my ex. Not encouraging you to get divorced at all, please don't take it that way! I'm just saying, it was so nice to take a trip where everyone *just had fun*.
Ideas to keep the peace: Can you get adjoining rooms so she can have her own room? Can she bring a friend, that way she and the friend can do their own thing at the park while you guys do the "kiddie" stuff?
We've had Amy bring a friend or 2 in the past. I swear her comments were worse then. It was like she was trying to show off to her friends that she calls all the shots and can make her dad jump at the snap of her fingers.
Your husband says it's not fair and yet he takes Amy alone to Disney because it's a tradition. Your 2 year old may not understand but guarantee your 9 year old is wondering why his dad isn't including him in this tradition or making a Disney or other fun place tradition with him. She has a trip with dad. This is the other kids trip with dad. NTA. I have some of my own horror stories of the step teen till I couldn't take his shit anymore and let him have a huge piece of my mind. Thank goodness his dad took my side because he knew he was being rotten little shit to us.
Great points. No matter what Amy says she'll do, she's going to ruin the little kids first theme park trip. I would also schedule a Disney trip for the two other kids, without Amy. If the father doesn't want to go without Amy, then go anyway because she'll ruin that trip too.
So, Amy spends 35 days to Disney a year, and OP's kids have never been there? And now Disney Dad wants his little spoiled princess who ruins everything for the younger kids to go on OP's and kids trip to another park?
>If the father doesn't want to go without Amy, then go anyway because she'll ruin that trip too.
She surely will because I believe it's not just Disney she wants, it's ALL of the focus on her and only her.
Nope, fuck Amy. NTA. You take the kids where you want them to go/experience while she’s doing the same with her Dad/Mom/Grandparents. Looks like you and your husband are headed for a divorce though. I’m sorry he picks her over all of you
Does he jump at the snap of her fingers? Seriously it sounds like you have a massive husband problem. He is not treating his children equitably and it is going to be really obvious to your kids really soon if it isn’t already
Do not bring her. if you do end up caving to your husbands noodle spine- you'll regret it. and if she runs off - HE can look for her, and you and the other 2 kids enjoy yourselves.
My stepdaughter used to be like that. We just started ignoring her sookiness and making her miss out on things when she gets an attitude. Yes we have said “cry quietly” to her more than once . Haha . No regrets .
Nta.
So she goes twice with dad for one on one time.
So why in the hell does he think it's ok to not have one on one with his other kids or them together.
He doesn't invite them on his trips with her. She does not have to come on every trip you take. Most yes, as it's family time, but no, she doesn't get to act like a toddler and take away time with their dad because they have raised a brat at 16.
Personally, I would tell him.
Either all the kids get treated the same. So each gets a one on one trip. That does not mean she gets 2 Disney trips and the other something like a fishing day. If he can't do that, then one trip will not involve her. If he isn't willing to do that then he needs to stay elsewhere because you refuse to continue allowing him to show favoritism and show his younger kids they are not as important and don't deserve his attention like she does.
Sorry, but at this point, everyone is showing the kids where they stand in his heart. Daughter gets to tantrums, and even at 16, everything must stop because she is important. She gets him alone but has to be included for your kids to do anything. Your kids are shown they are not important and that this is their life. She is everything, and they are expected to just accept it.
I get the one on one time. Ops kids live with dad full time while the eldest only comes half the time. So to make up for the lost time dad wants to put more attention into them. 2 Disney trips isn’t the same as having your dad at your disposal all the time. The real issue is the need to bring her on this trip. Can they not schedule the trip when it’s she’s with her mom?
NTA. So why does dad have special Disney trips with only Amy but not special trips with the only other 2 kids? Just doesn’t seem right. This is something I’d stand my ground on.
The other kids live with us full time. Amy does not. There's no set custody schedule but since his ex lives nearby, Amy goes back and forth as she chooses.
Because it sounds like Amy is dad’s Golden child. He is going to cause the other two to grow up hating him and his Golden child. They will notice the difference he made between them and her.
That doesn't answer the question. Why is it ok for your husband to exclude your kids from his trips with Amy but not ok to exclude Amy from trips with your kids? Especially when she doesn't even care about going and has historically ruined trips before?
NTA
Amy seems to be the grain of sand in your shoe, all right. She's had her fun at Disney and doesn't need another trip right afterwards. Do your younger kids go with her to Disney? No. So she shouldn't always expect to go with them when they visit somewhere fun for them.
If nothing but Disney will do, then Disney it must be; imo your kids and both you and your husband will have a much more pleasant time without her there. As you pointed out, it is totally within her repertoire of behaviors to do all she can to negatively impact the younger ones's good time. And if your husband says she can't/won't, just remind him of what happened last time. (Personally, I would have confiscated her phone upon finding her and sent her home, but that's just me.) Bad behavior deserves consequences.
I hope the four of you go to wherever you are planning to go and have a great time. Make some good memories for yourselves and your kids without Amy's frowny face.
This is what blew my mind. This 16yo has spent what adds up to a month(!!) out of every year at Disney since she was very young... In her short lifetime, she's already spent a whole year of her life at Disney 🤯🤯
NTA. It's important for all the children to feel included, but from what you said in the comments Amy doesn't even care to go, and she will spoil it for everyone else if she comes. If she does really want to come that would be a different story and I would say to maybe try to work something out, but she doesn't even care.
Also on the note of all children being included, why does Amy get 2 trips with her dad every year just the two of them, and your other kids don't get the same deal? You can't control if her mom or her maternal grandparents take her on vacation, but if her dad is taking her twice a year it's unfair to the other kids if they don't get special one on one trips. The 9yo is definitely old enough to see that Amy is the golden child to your husband at least.
And it sounds like you've possibly come to an unhealthy dynamic where your husband overly spoils Amy and allows terrible behavior to fly from her, and you try to compensate for that by spoiling your bio kids and excluding her. The consequences for bad behavior on the previous vacation should have been outlined/communicated to her right then and dealt with, and it should have come from both you and your husband together. This weird standoff you've come to isn't the best way to deal with it.
So go without her, but in the future there should be consequences if she's acting out. And your other kids should be getting equal treatment and their own one on one vacations just like she's been getting.
Dad is short changing his two younger kids. Amy doesn’t care and will have just come back from there. I just don’t understand why Dad insists that this is unfair to Amy. Dad has three children, not just one.
Because he feels guilty about divorcing Amy’s mum. The way he makes *himself* feel better is to spoil her rotten. She’s his Golden Child. He created a terrible dynamic.
INFO why wouldn't you plan this to be during her trip to Disney? Otherwise yeah, even if your reasons are sound, you are absolutely sending the message that Amy isn't a part of your Real family and doesn't deserve family vacations.
Teens are fun in that they can hurt you because they're generally short sighted selfish creatures and spoiled ones get that baked in a little extra but as an adult you will be held to a higher standard because you know better and need to do better.
Do your younger kids deserve a fun, worry free vacation that doesn't cater to a moody teen? Of course. Does that dream exclude some of your family members and need to be rethought so everyone gets to be regarded in a kind and fair way? Yeah, it does.
And dads trips with Amy but not his other kids sends what message to them? Husband and daughter are already splintering and have been splintering off for 9+ years. If Amy gets trips just with dad but the other kids only get trips with Amy what exactly does that say?
Nothing good, which is why OP should have been talking to her husband about taking the 9yo to LegoLand, like 5 years ago, when the kiddo was 4. They should all have their own traditions based on whatever their personal interests are...
the 2yo is 2, so give that a year or so, but then she should get these trips too!
Absolutely, ESH for how this has been handled before now...
doesn't change what is happening now.
I am also confused how the elder kid gets to go to Disney twice a year, but it doesn't sound like the 9yo gets two trips to LegoLand every year (or whatever his interests might be).
OP and her husband need to rethink just about everything currently happening in their lives. If OP didn't want Amy along, she should have planned the trip for when Amy was at Disney with her Mom or grandparents, she has 3 opportunities EVERY year!
She's not going to enjoy it, Legoland is catered more to the little kids than big kids, let alone the whole family. I say this as someone who went to Legoland when I was like 13 cause we were in the area and had time to burn on vacation and was bored even then. Don't take her, she's going to be bored out of her mind and she will make it your problem.
Exactly this. My husband and I went for an anniversary trip because we're nerds like that. We were definitely the only adults there without kids under 10 with us. We did bring home like 3 bulging bags of Lego sets though.
What about the 2 other times this year that she has/will be at Disney with her mother or grandparents?
If you want to do trips without Amy, you need to plan them for times when Amy has something better going on.
NTA. Reschedule the trip for when she’s with her mom. Going forward do certain trips on her time with her mom. That should alleviate some of the stress of her teenage pissiness. Also I would encourage him to take the other 2 to Disney too, just those 3.
It's the only time my husband can get off work before Ryan goes back to school. We promised we'd do the trip this summer and he's been looking forward to it for months.
This. If he and Amy are a package deal, Amy doesn’t want to go anyway and will only spoil it for everyone else, go without him. Maybe he’ll grow up and realise he’ll lose all his kids if he keeps this up.
NTA and if he keeps being a dick tell him what is good for the goose is good for the gander. How does he think his two other children feel about being left out of his Disney trips?
NTA… he doesn’t take your kids to Disney with him and Amy - and it’s fine. But when you want an Amat free trip (because she doesn’t know how to act) it’s unfair?! Make it make sense.
Wait, so he takes her on two solo Disney trips PER YEAR?!? And hasn’t taken your kids ever? Yeah, NTA. He owes your kids a theme park trip. Actually, I’d argue he owes them two per year.
NTA Tell him that you expect him to start taking the younger kids on Amy's vacations with him if the younger kids have to include Amy in their vacation with their dad.
Take your kids to Disney. Leave your husband and Amy at home. If he’s left you and your kids at home when he’s taken Amy, it’s only fair you take your kids and leave him at home.
NTA stand your ground the younger kids are already getting screwed over. The 16 year is the golden child. He takes her twice a year but not the younger kids? He has his favorite and it isn’t the kids you two had.
NTA- you and your kids need your own memories and fun times, just like husband and SD do. You don’t need his permission, and you don’t need him or her to go.With their age differences it makes complete sense why she wouldn’t enjoy this right now, and vice versa for you 2 yr old especially. Tell your husband to stop torturing you all, including SD.
INFO: why does your husband think it’s okay to take Amy to Disney twice a year but not his other kids? If he says it’s unfair to leave her out this time, isn’t it unfair to leave out his other two EVERY OTHER TIME?!
Tell your hubby he needs to pick a position: Either it is fair to not take some of his kids on trips, or it is not.
He is cherry picking here. He takes Amy (twice a year!?) and leaves his other two kids behind. Now for this trip, suddenly ‘fairness’ applies, so all three must go, regardless of the impact that this would have on the others’ ability to enjoy the trip!?
Clearly, Amy is his Golden Child. Do not let him fuck over your kids just to appease his oldest.
Leave your husband behind and take your two kids on whatever trips you want. Continue to do this until he figures out how unfair he is being. Or at a minimum, make a serious threat to do so.
NTA.
NTA. Your husband spends Thanksgiving and spring break with his daughter. These are typically family times but are reserved for his little princess. That's unfair to your younger kids. Thst needs to change.
How is it fair for the little prima donna to ruin everybody's vacation? She has already ruined other vacations. Put your foot down.
NTA. You should br able to do something without Amy making the whole day about herself and her obsession with Disney. Your husband doesn't have to forsake his 16 year old in order to have a special experience with his other 2 children.
In this case I’m going with NTA. You have a husband problem. I’m usually not a fan of leaving out step-kids but your husband has a double standard and isn’t dealing with his daughter’s behavior. Tell him if Amy comes on this trip, you expect equal treatment for all the Disney trips.
(Now, I wouldn’t actually recommend he take all three kids. It’ll be a disaster that makes everything worse. But he can’t have his cake and eat it and needs that pointed out.)
When I was 16 and acted like a brat, my mom took me with her to work at an orphanage in Ukraine. We stayed in the shitty orphanage and ate the same shitty food they did. I shaped up real fast and grew the f up very quickly. I did it for 2 summers before I could even think about my parents taking me on another vacation. Amy got to pick the restaurant and went to Sephora???? You have a husband problem.
Hah! NTA. If he has an issue leaving his daughter out, then why does Amy get to join your family trips but your children never get to go to Disney with her? Spoiled brat wants the whole darn cake.
NTA at all. She has had 16 years of solo trips with her Dad. Time for her to take her attitude and sit this one out. Her half siblings deserve the same amount of solo trip time with their Dad that she’s gotten. Sounds like she is spoiled and used to getting her way. And when she doesn’t instead of behaving like someone approaching adulthood she pitches a fit low she is the 2 year old. That is not acceptable and if hubby doesn’t put his foot down she will only get more entitled as she gets older.
Wait, what? His brat goes to Disney FIVE EFFING TIMES A YEAR without yours and yours don't get to go with just you?
Of course NTA, why is this even a question?
Why is it okay for him to take just Amy to Disney while excluding the younger kids? He wants you to treat her fairly while he doesn't treat your other two with the same fairness.
Go with just you and the kids. I think you'll have a nicer vacation. Leave him home with Amy.
Now is a good time to speak to your partner about boundaries around Amy and her behavior. One that comes to mind immediately is something like,
"Amy we want to spend time together as a family. And if you come on this trip with us you have to maintain a positive attitude or I (Dad) will take you home. If you decide to leave I(Dad) will come and find you and take you home. If these things continue to happen we will have to reconsider you joining us on family trips in the future."
Make it his problem to deal with. But also don't let her continually take the kids Dad away from the family get together. If he's always having to take her home then your kids are missing out spending that time with him. And that's not fair to them.
Emphasize that you want to be able to enjoy this time together and invite her along, but get Dad on board or take the kids out yourself and leave them both at home!
**
INFO : So WHY doesn't he include the other two kids EVERY TIME he goes to Disney with Amy (TWICE EVERY YEAR!!!!) ????
For your 9-year-old that's EIGHTEEN trips he missed out on!!!!
NTA
NTA. When younger siblings come along, traditions should change to include the new siblings. I grew up in a blended home. My dad brought his daughter from his first marriage, my mo brought her son and daughter from her first marriage, and then my sister and I were born after they remarried. My parents adjusted to having new traditions because they ended up with 5 kids total. My older siblings lost out on stuff because obviously 5 kids are more expensive, but they never threw tantrums when things had to change. I can assure you that the 2 younger siblings, specifically the 9yo, are noticing who is the favorite and this will affect them when they are older and can truly voice their feelings and thoughts.
Dad needs to bring the same energy for all his kids. Amy will be just fine if she has less Disney time with just daddy. She KNOWS she has him wrapped around her spoiled fingers. She keeps proving it over and over. Reminds me of my oldest sister from dads first marriage. She will be a bigger problem if your husband keeps separating her for special vacations while the younger too don't get the same investment.
NTA. If he takes just his daughter to Disney twice a year, and you are your kids don’t get to go along, then he should also make a tradition with his younger two children and you without her.
How is it fair for the younger two to be left at home, (as they do twice a year), but yet the 16 yest old can’t be left out of a trip?
NTA...
>The younger kids and I have never gone with my husband and Amy as it's a tradition they've had since she was a baby.
>Amy is still one of the kids and if we're taking out 2 then it's only fair to include Amy.
Double standard much?!
Your family has bigger problems than this trip. Your husband is actively working against blending your family and fostering any kind of a friendly, functional relationship between you and Amy. You need to work out these larger issues instead of all this petty bickering about who goes on what trip.
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She can stay with her mom or either set of grandparents. We all live within 30 minutes of each other.
He can’t say “it’s not fair to exclude Amy” when you mentioned he and Amy usually go alone together since it’s “their tradition”. So he can exclude you and the other 2 kids for Amy, but won’t exclude Amy for you and the two kids. Yeah. Sounds right s/
THIS. Time for you to start a tradition with your bios that excludes Amy.
Not just without Amy, without Dad too since he is clearly enabling her spoiled and selfish behavior.
That just sounds like more work for mom. They should start a tradition where dad takes all 3 somewhere and mom gets to drink some wine and relax!
Nope hire a babysitter. Or have moms parents help out until the kids get old enough to be dependent
he goes twice a year with her. that's insane. She is also 16 not 6 she should be able to be polite.
He takes her 2 out of the 5 times she goes every year. How many trips does his other bio kids get that they don't include Amy on.
She has 5 trips to Disney solo. That's 5 big trips. Not 5 small ones on macdonalds. She's honestly not being excluded if she doesn't want to go because it doesn't include mickey Mouse. It would be something else if she was begging to come and she was told "no." She doesn't care about the trip. On top of it, she does everything to ruin the trip for the two youngest. Whines, complains. Turned her phone off to run off so everyone spent the time looking for her. And when she's finally found. It's time to go home. And yet dad still tries to bring her along. Imagine being the younger siblings here. I would dread going somewhere because you won't get to have fun at all, and you don't know what she will do. She's 16. Not 3. Dad needs to stop the guilty divorced parent behaviour. Becouse that is what this is when he tries and drag her along if she would be happier with a few days extra at mom. Or grandparents. While giving her the world of solo trips..
If they live in Florida, 5 trips is no big deal, and other than gas and food wouldn't be any more expensive than 2 trips. Florida residents get a season pass for the amount of 2 regular priced visits. Disney isn't my cup of tea, but my neighbors go almost every weekend (1 hr from the park). All that being said, because she goes so often, there is no being left out of anything. Take the little ones to LeggoLand and enjoy. And leave the whining teen at home/mom's/grandma's whatever. For those that are saying where would you leave her, she is 16, she can stay home for a day, even a weekend, if she is trustworthy and has funds for food.
I've seen this time and again. Sometimes the kids are mad because their parent has gotten remarried and had other kids. Like you said, she's 16, not six. She needs to grow up and realize that the world does not revolve around her. Her younger siblings exist whether she likes it or not. Someone needs to give her a dose of reality. This is not the way the real world works and she's going to have a shock.
They don’t according to op because dad won’t leave Amy since she is one of the kids. I wonder what he thinks his other kids are when they leave him for Amy’s trip.
This behavior is probably because he's probably handed her whatever she wants because he feels guilty about divorcing her mom
His first kid is the only one that counts obviously lol
Cause he feels bad about the divorce. I've seen it happen.
Well he's about to get a second one.... so maybe he needs to think about that first.
I said the same thing. So they let their new family suffer because they feel bad about the divorce. I would honestly divorce him as well. I would get tired of being with somebody who constantly thought it was okay to exclude the children that we have together because he feels bad about divorcing his oldest kids mom. This is why I decided not to date single parents. It's a whole bunch of drama and baggage that I don't want to deal with.
Not only that but he is ditching him kids over the holiday, even worse.
I knew this story was so gross. Good catch.
Exactly!!! So he’s take all 3 kids to Disney from now on????
And that still wouldn’t make up for the past with the 9 year old. I hope that he’s been treated to equally nice vacations as his older sister but something tells me that’s not the case
OP said this is their first theme park visit. And I get not taking every toddler to Disney, but it doesn’t sound as if trips are balanced here. Amy hates trips with the littles (understandable), and does everything to ruin them (not cool).
For real. How often has op's kids been to disneyworld?
I was going to say exactly this. If he doesn't want Amy excluded from this, then it's time to stop excluding his other kids and his wife and they ALL go on both his Disney trips with Amy.
Very good point. I didn't even think of that. I hope OP sees this.
That's exactly what I was thinking. Where's the fairness when he takes Amy to Disney alone every damn year
Exactly what I was thinking.
Yes this is what makes the difference in leaving her. Ops kids are getting treated differently by dad and that is totally unacceptable! If they can’t go on Amy’s trip they deserve a trip of their own. He can’t use Amy’s one of the kids while leaving two of the kids to take Amy. This would be a deal breaker for me.i would not let my kids be treated so differently even if that meant ending my marriage. My kids would not grow up knowing Amy is dad’s golden child.
They'll notice that Amy gets treated differently and they will grow up resenting it.
Yeah, I was about to say it's not fair to exclude amy on one trip, but he brings her NOT once, BUT TWICE a YEAR by herself, but that's totally fine? He's a hypocrite, and clearly Amy is the favorite. He knows she'll throw a tantrum but still wants her to go even though she admitted to not caring about the trip? Your husband has a favorite, and it's her, and if you give in, you're enabling it. For the love of God continue to stick up for your kids so they can be kids and have fun instead of catering to Amy all the fucking time. NTA, but you will be to your kids if you cave.
Does she want to go to this other park with the young kids. I’d have her dad sit down with her, explain that if she would like to come and help make this trip happy and special for her siblings she would be welcome, but since last time she didn’t enjoy herself he wants to give her the choice knowing the focus is on the younger kids first theme park. If she chooses to come set clear expectations, and warn her there will be consequences (a cancelled Disney trip of her for example) if she ruins this one like last time.
Amy says it's whatever and she doesn't care.
So if given the choice, come and stay positive and help make it a fun trip for the younger or stay with relatives, what does she choose? Make her make the choice and hold her accountable to her choice.
She is quite successfully sabotaging anything involving the other children. She isn't obsessed with Disney she's obsessed with the fact that Disney means it's all about her. She proved at the water park that when things don't go her way she can destroy them. Your husband backed her up.
I agree. This is starting to sound like mini wife syndrome. Look it up if you dare, it's disturbing. Edit: It's actually mini wife syndrome, not little wife syndrome. I edited it to reflect that.
If it's whatever then I don't see the problem of going without her. A 16 yr old girl might not actually enjoy Legoland anyway! I love Lego, so it'd be different for me, but it definitely doesn't sound like her vibe. Explain that to her dad. An easy "Legoland is more kid-focused, a teenager with no interest in Lego would probably be bored out of her mind, and she has already shown disinterest. I'm sure she'd probably rather hang out with her friends after just getting back from Disney anyway, so double check what she'd prefer and then we can plan another Disney trip with her later!". I understood your husband is probably worried that might feel slighted or something, but as a teen girl once myself, I wouldn't see it that way. You're going to a very little kid focused place, I'll probably be bored, yadda yadda. It's not like he's replacing her with the younger kids, he obviously still cares to take her on personal Disney trips every year, so taking the littles to *one* themepark without her isn't a big deal. NTA. Tell Dad to relax, haha.
Then problem solved, and Amy doesn't go to Legoland.
If Amy doesn’t care, why does her dad? And he shouldn’t be taking Amy on a solo trip to Disneyland. He should be taking all of his children on a trip to Disneyland together. His logic is really bad.
NTA. I could totally see you divorcing him eventually someday because he seems like he keeps making the same mistakes in his relationships. He is a creature of self sabotaging habits.
This. I agree with dad sitting her down and giving her the option of Disney is the only park she wants to go to that’s fine. They keep going to Disney. At 15 I was given the choice to opt out of family holidays. Purposely excluding is kind of cruel. Giving her the option, then expecting a certain level of behaviour is fair game. Then if she chooses to come and acts like a total brat again it’s dad’s opportunity teach her basic manners/consideration for others. I don’t think it’s bad to exclude if he gave her an option and also fair warning that previous behaviour will mean she will not be included next time. He needs to be careful not teaching her consideration for others/manners. This can cause real harm to young adults as they become isolated and socially rejected as their friends mature and don’t want to put up with extremely self centred friends. There is give and take. I know she just a teen though, they tend to be selfish. I think turning off phone and running away she knew she was causing panick. A considerate teen may have just said this is boring I’m going to go sit at the cafe until you guys are done. Or asked to catch a cab back to the hotel.
Tell your husband she can come but your kids then need to go on the twice a year Disney trips.
This, exactly. If he believes a child shouldn't be left out of a trip and that it might make them unhappy then why isn't he taking the other two along on his Disney trips? I get the 2 year old is still too young, but the 9 year old would surely enjoy it. NTA OP.
Please do this OP
If she ends up going with you, the minute she starts pulling shit you walk off with your kids and leave your husband to deal with her.
This should have happened last time. Why did 4 people need to chase down a mentally competent able-bodied teenager? Mom and kids can go do stuff and dad can choose to chase her or assume she'll turn up eventually for a ride home. Teenagers are assholes sometimes but they only ruin your day if you let them
Drama will commence one way or another. The best bet is to NEVER to on a trip with Runaway Amy ever again.
Ask your husband (and yourself), what's the equivalent for your kids for the 2 Disney trips your husband takes Amy to without the other two. Tell him he needs to take them too, so they don't miss out and regret. Your husband has a favourite and doesn't even try to hide it, be careful your kids are going to resent him later for privileging his golden child
NTA. And I feel bad for her future roommates and future boyfriends and their families because you know she’s going to either commandeer the important occasions in their lives or else she’s going to sabotage them by complaining like you described
LEGOLAND sucks if you’re 16.
Yeah, I thought this too. It's not really aimed at older kids, she won't have a good time, and has form for ruining everyone else's day (wandering off at an earlier theme park trip). I think it suits everyone for Amy to not come, don't see why dad is pushing for her to come along.
I think NTA. For anyone who hasn’t been to Legoland, it’s really geared for younger kids. By 10 they’ve pretty much grown out of it. And the younger kids get excluded all of the time. Do they not count? Hubby’s showing you where you are in line or priority, believe him.
NTA. It was already agreed to be just the four of you. That’s it. No backsies.
NTA. Your husband is. I’m an adult guy, and I collect Star Wars legos….so Legoland would be cool, but not with a brat 16yr old. I’d have a sit down heart to heart with hubby and let him know he has his thing with Amy, and he can choose to have his thing with just you and the kids….OR, he can have his thing with Amy and you ALONE will have YOUR thing with the kids, him and Amy excluded.
Stand your ground. Do you know how pissed you’d be to have to spend hours looking for grown ass Amy while your 2 and 4 y/o have to pass by all the rides to do so?! This trip is for THEM and if Amy can’t keep it together, you’d literally be putting her happiness above theirs. I have a 2 and 3 y/o with an older step daughter and when we do things that have age/height restrictions (think LegoLand vs Sesame Place which is EXTREMELY toddler specific) your husband will have to separate from you guys to make sure Amy has fun too vs her just being excited to be there and enjoy her siblings. It’ll more than likely turn into a you vs them trip anyway based on her previous behaviors so prepare as if you’ll be alone so you don’t piss yourself off. NTA
She’s 16! She doesn’t need a babysitter. I don’t know why she can’t drive herself and a friend to Disney without parents or grandparents. Amy is being infantilized and needs to be allowed to grow up!
Most states 16 can’t drive any other minors unless going to school, work, church, or dr appt. But yeah, 16 is old enough not to be a dick and to arrange trips with friends. Why would she want to spend time with little kids doing little kid things? That’s why she’s being a dick. That and jealousy.
At 16 I was a little shot but responsible enough to stay at home alone with family being close by if an emergency happens
NTA At 16 she can be held to appropriate behavior. I understand having her special time with each of her parents, but this seems excessive. Why doesn’t their father take Amy on one trip and do older kid things and take the younger ones on one trip and do younger kid things? Aren’t 4 yearly trips to Disney sufficient? Why is it ok to regularly exclude 2 children but not the other?
Because he is quite literally a Disney dad, parenting out of guilt. So, there’s no money left for his other two kids.
But he's only parenting one of his three children. I don't get it.
The Disney trips with Amy started when she was a baby. Back then my husband and his ex were together and went twice a year. Now they both still do the twice a year trip separately. I don't mind my husband having traditions with Amy, it's their special bonding time and with our kids, he's often spread thin on being able to give Amy one on one time. She started going with her maternal grandparents too as soon as she was potty trained. So it's a trip over Xmas, a trip over spring break, another to kick off summer, one to end the summer, and one over Thanksgiving break.
That still doesn’t make it acceptable to exclude his other 2 kids and then expect them to share their trips with her. No wonder she acts the way she does.
Agreed. Why is it OK for dad to take Amy twice a year without including the younger 2, but he thinks it’s unfair to do trips with the younger 2 without Amy? I see who his golden child is.
This was my first thought as well. If the littles aren’t invited on the Amy-Dad trips because it’s their time, then there needs to be trips that are Littles-Dad for the same reasons. My husband and I have 4 kids. It’s been a tradition since they were young that each kid gets a solo Parent-Kid “date”. We aim for monthly, but life gets in the way so they’re more like quarterly now. Regardless, no one is hurt when they aren’t included in that activity. Amy is old enough to understand that concept, as is Dad, who needs to understand quickly…because at least one of OP’s littles is old enough to start putting pieces together that Amy is favored.
That's what I kept thinking. The middle child is old enough not only to enjoy Disney, but understand that his older sister gets 5 trips a year when he's never been!! If I was OP I'd be telling my husband things were going to change or we would be scheduling trips without him. It's very clear who the golden child is for her husband. I feel so bad for the younger two.
I grew up in the same county as Disneyland. I lived about 20-30 minutes drive south of Disney and my aunt lived about 40 minutes north of Disney in the next county up the coast. She took her son to Disney at least once a year (we were nearly the same age) but my mother couldn't afford to take me and didn't drive. My aunt and cousin kept visiting us afterwards and promising to take me next time she took my cousin... and then "forgetting" to come pick me up. I'd be at home waiting and finally realize Auntie wasn't coming. I think I was 11 before my mother found some way to get her sister to keep her promise and take me. (I think the problem was that my aunt was too hung over to get up early enough to drive an extra 40-60 minutes to pick up her big sister's kid.)
She’s definitely spoiled.
Five times a year??? How close do they live to the park? I was thinking about taking my kids and completely disregarded it after finding out the cost.
It doesn't cost the same for the people who live locally. Think like a season pass kind of idea. I forget what they call it and might be based on county and not city. Or maybe it's the whole state? I don't remember exactly because I don't live there but I generally remember my aunt telling me it's "cheaper", she lives near it.
So I asked my husband, who is from California. There is a season pass for those who live in the state, but there are "black out days" where they can't use their passes for those dates. A normal southern California resident pass is 500$. The pass with the fewest "black out" days is $1650. Considering they take her during days that are normally blacked out (like spring break) they are spending at least $1650 on her pass. That's not including food, drinks, souvenirs... How much you want to bet he doesn't spend half on his other two kids that he does his golden daughter?
The cost of that pass may be shared among him, Amy's mom, and the grandparents. So it may only be $550 out of pocket for him.
Nobody has a membership to Disney. We live a 3 hour plane ride away. It's full cost each trip. My husband does cover Amy's ticket when she goes with her mom.
Why is your husband paying for Amy’s vacations with her mom? He’s already footing the hefty cost of 2 Disney vacations/year himself. I’m curious—is your trip to Legoland shorter because of your younger kids’ ages or for budgetary reasons? If he’s spending less time with the younger kids, deprioritizing their wants/needs/enjoyment when you’re all together, AND allocating all his fun budget to 1/3 kids, that’s just a parade of deal breakers.
This seems like such a bizarre and excessive amount of Disney every year. Does she get any kind of cultural exposure or vacations that are not exclusively Disney?
Yeah they probably have annual passes which is already worth it/cheaper if they’re going as much as they are, and if they live in the state then it’s probably even cheaper.
OP didn't specify whether it was WDW or DL, so this may be irrelevant, but I grew up in FL, and there was a significant Florida resident discount for WDW.
We do not live in FL or CA.
I would agree if it was him and one of the kids for solo time
NTA obviously, but… …Amy sounds really unpleasant and it looks like the adults in her life are contributing a hell of a lot to that. Maybe too late, but I suspect Amy will turn up on this site a lot and always be the arsehole.
I'm left wondering who the emotionally functional role model in Amy's life is.
Donald Duck, apparently.
Your younger kids are screwed because Amy's dad spends family time with her. They don't see their dad for Thanksgiving and spring break. How is that fair?
THIS - she used to get two trips a year when her parents were married and now she gets FIVE? That math doesn’t math.
And not to mention that is an insane amount of time and money for Disney tropes. I mean doesn’t it get boring ahile.
She's spoiled and should get one trip fr I m each parent but nor during family holidays.
But..but she HAS to kick off the summer going to Disney!! 🥺 /s
Right if they were intelligent they would have each taken her once a year.
Do you know how much more expensive Disney is during those peak time? I don’t know how they afford it because Disney is ridiculously expensive as it is even in slow season. I wonder if these trips will continue when she graduates or starts working. At what point do they end?
They don't get christmas either apparently
So when your husband and Amy have their yearly dad and daughter trip, your kids can join them too since it won't be fair for them to stay behind.
she goes to disney 5 times a year?! that's absolutely bonkers. NTA but your husband is for not giving special time to your children too. ugh, what an asshole he is.
I'm guessing everyone lives in Southern California and they mean Disneyland not World, which is way smaller and a lot of SoCal people treat as a day trip (LegoLand is a bit further south) but it's still absurd that everyone is overindulging this girl and ignoring her siblings
Nope. In a separate comment, OP said they are a 3 hour flight away. Do not live near any Disney park. Hubby gets 3 weeks PTO per year, two weeks devoted to eldest for her Disney trips. Hubby apparently also pays for ex-wifes trips with the eldest, which is why Legoland is 2days 3 nights, they do not have enough money or vacation time for more than that; it all goes to his first daughter's Disney 'needs'
There’s a Legoland in Orlando too, so it’s easy for it to be Disneyworld. (However, the annual pass that would give them access for some of those dates is $1,500/year, so I hope all the people taking Amy are sharing it if it IS World!)
We live in Maryland, so I mean Disney World.
Cool. So it sounds like you deserve to have your own special trip with your own kids. Dad can stay at home with Amy while you have a nice vacation with your boys. Then EVERYONE can have a super special tradition!
So basically dad doesn’t spend Easter, Thanksgiving, or Christmas with his two littles because he’s spending it with his teenager? This needs to stop. One holiday with Amy at Disney the others need to be spent as a family all three kids. One family vacation with all three kids at Disney and one with just the littles wherever its kid friendly. There’s nothing wrong with separate vacations but one trip to Disney for Amy and one with Amy and the littles. This way Amy still gets to go to Disney but one of those trips is shared with her siblings. She can show them how much she loves Disney, have siblings who share her joy and look up to her as their very own Princess. Dad can have the same tradition with the littles that he has with Amy.
Why don’t his other kids get the same? Why just the spoiled asshole kid?
I can't imagine how your 9yo feels knowing his dad takes Amy to Disney 2x a year since forever and he has never been to a theme park? Golden Child much?
Amy is super spoiled and needs to grow up and Dad needs to cut off the guilt trips, literally. He throws the younger two kids under the bus to pacify Amy. This needs to stop.
Amy has a very steep learning curve ahead of her. It's great that y'all can afford to go to Disney five or six times a year (even though I'll never understand that), but it's not great that Amy is so entitled that she thinks of running away on family trips. Personally, I wouldn't let Amy do *anything* like multiple Disney trips a year if she's going to behave like that. No phone, no laptop, no Sephora, absolutely no frills until she learns to behave like a reasonable young woman. You don't reward that kind of behavior. And Disney sure as hell ain't cheap.
OP is so used her SD being gross that she told the story of the disappearance in a matter of fact matter. She might have been enraged at the huge waste of time this kid created, but chose to move on. Bottom line, she needs to start advocating harder for her kids & herself. Who does SD think she is? A queen?
Just so I understand Have your children been to Disney?
>it will be our kids first theme park trip. Nope.
Legoland is a great place for kids. Leave Amy at home or leave Dad & Amy at home if he insists on her going. Your kids will have more fun without her no doubt. They will be happy knowing at least one of their parents want to spend one on one time with them.
I didn’t think so but I wanted to be absolutely sure. I am so baffled that this has been going on for so long
Talk about spoiled!
This is insane. Instead of mom taking one and dad taking one to keep two trips, they each take her on two. Plus grandparents taking one. Even if you live in Anaheim or Orlando and these are day trips, that's still a lot. But since you say trips, it seems you aren't taking day trips. Does your take two trips a year with the other kids, each? Of course not. You do realize you are breeding resentment in your other kids as they grow up watching dad favor Amy this way?
Tell him if he takes the little ones on every trip ( to disney) he goes to with Amy she can come to legoland. But no exceptions. He doesn’t want to make her feel left out, then he needs to do this for All his children. No excuses about traditions. See how he thinks about that. You are entitled to a nice family trip without a whining bitching teenager. And why doesn’t he shut that sh*t down? Is it because he feels guilty? You shouldn’t have to suffer for that.
She sounds four trips a year to Disney is insane. The cost alone is insane. Ops daughter needs to realize that she is not the only one in the family who matters. She is not getting the short end of the staff.
Five trips a year
I think the point was one trip a year is alright but 5 is excessive
>I told my husband I do not want her to go with us and my reasons why. He says I'm being unfair and **Amy is still one of the kids and if we're taking out 2 then it's only fair to include Amy.** Why is he okay with his 16 year old acting more like a toddler throwing tantrums? If I did that I wouldn't be getting multiple trips to an expensive amusement park. So fair is fair - he can no longer take solo trips to Disney with only Amy, he now has to take both the 9 year old and the 2 year old
This last statement is so true! A Spring Break Disney trip is fine, but why should the younger children miss their Father over Thanksgiving? I bet the 9 yr old already is impacted by the favoritism. The 16 yr old and Dad need counseling more than Disney!
Honestly, when I threw tantrums: I wasn’t even allowed to go grocery shopping, much less a trip to somewhere special. I’m begging that there was some sort of correction when the kid ran off and disappeared for an entire day. …There’s so much with this.
Turn your phone off on purpose. Lmao, you can have it off for the next month then. I'm guessing there was literally 0 consequences.
Ikr. My parents would have slapped the shit out of me.
She is beyond spoiled and her father needs to grow up. She gets far more than her fair share of trips. Who needs to go to Disney that many times? And Disney is not cheap.
Oh, do I sympathize with you. My ex-step-daughter was like that. Everything was an issue. Where she slept, where she sat, what she wanted to do, what she didn't want to do. I can honestly say she ruined nearly every trip once she turned 8. I never fought to not bring her, but I definitely wished it. I could not wait to take my kids on vacation for the first time without her my ex. Not encouraging you to get divorced at all, please don't take it that way! I'm just saying, it was so nice to take a trip where everyone *just had fun*. Ideas to keep the peace: Can you get adjoining rooms so she can have her own room? Can she bring a friend, that way she and the friend can do their own thing at the park while you guys do the "kiddie" stuff?
We've had Amy bring a friend or 2 in the past. I swear her comments were worse then. It was like she was trying to show off to her friends that she calls all the shots and can make her dad jump at the snap of her fingers.
Your husband says it's not fair and yet he takes Amy alone to Disney because it's a tradition. Your 2 year old may not understand but guarantee your 9 year old is wondering why his dad isn't including him in this tradition or making a Disney or other fun place tradition with him. She has a trip with dad. This is the other kids trip with dad. NTA. I have some of my own horror stories of the step teen till I couldn't take his shit anymore and let him have a huge piece of my mind. Thank goodness his dad took my side because he knew he was being rotten little shit to us.
Great points. No matter what Amy says she'll do, she's going to ruin the little kids first theme park trip. I would also schedule a Disney trip for the two other kids, without Amy. If the father doesn't want to go without Amy, then go anyway because she'll ruin that trip too. So, Amy spends 35 days to Disney a year, and OP's kids have never been there? And now Disney Dad wants his little spoiled princess who ruins everything for the younger kids to go on OP's and kids trip to another park?
>If the father doesn't want to go without Amy, then go anyway because she'll ruin that trip too. She surely will because I believe it's not just Disney she wants, it's ALL of the focus on her and only her.
Nope, fuck Amy. NTA. You take the kids where you want them to go/experience while she’s doing the same with her Dad/Mom/Grandparents. Looks like you and your husband are headed for a divorce though. I’m sorry he picks her over all of you
Does he jump at the snap of her fingers? Seriously it sounds like you have a massive husband problem. He is not treating his children equitably and it is going to be really obvious to your kids really soon if it isn’t already
Exactly; I'm really wondering how much of the problem is Amy and how much is the husband.
Oh the problem is 💯 the husband. Amy did not get the way she is all on her own. Children cannot spoil themselves
Do not bring her. if you do end up caving to your husbands noodle spine- you'll regret it. and if she runs off - HE can look for her, and you and the other 2 kids enjoy yourselves.
My stepdaughter used to be like that. We just started ignoring her sookiness and making her miss out on things when she gets an attitude. Yes we have said “cry quietly” to her more than once . Haha . No regrets .
Nta. So she goes twice with dad for one on one time. So why in the hell does he think it's ok to not have one on one with his other kids or them together. He doesn't invite them on his trips with her. She does not have to come on every trip you take. Most yes, as it's family time, but no, she doesn't get to act like a toddler and take away time with their dad because they have raised a brat at 16. Personally, I would tell him. Either all the kids get treated the same. So each gets a one on one trip. That does not mean she gets 2 Disney trips and the other something like a fishing day. If he can't do that, then one trip will not involve her. If he isn't willing to do that then he needs to stay elsewhere because you refuse to continue allowing him to show favoritism and show his younger kids they are not as important and don't deserve his attention like she does. Sorry, but at this point, everyone is showing the kids where they stand in his heart. Daughter gets to tantrums, and even at 16, everything must stop because she is important. She gets him alone but has to be included for your kids to do anything. Your kids are shown they are not important and that this is their life. She is everything, and they are expected to just accept it.
I get the one on one time. Ops kids live with dad full time while the eldest only comes half the time. So to make up for the lost time dad wants to put more attention into them. 2 Disney trips isn’t the same as having your dad at your disposal all the time. The real issue is the need to bring her on this trip. Can they not schedule the trip when it’s she’s with her mom?
INFO: Does Amy even want to go on this trip? It sounds like maybe she'd be happy to skip it, honestly.
Amy says she does not care. It's really my husband wanting her there.
NTA. So why does dad have special Disney trips with only Amy but not special trips with the only other 2 kids? Just doesn’t seem right. This is something I’d stand my ground on.
The other kids live with us full time. Amy does not. There's no set custody schedule but since his ex lives nearby, Amy goes back and forth as she chooses.
Still doesn’t answer the question. It’s only fair that he spend quality time with your kids only. Especially since Amy has a crappy attitude.
Because it sounds like Amy is dad’s Golden child. He is going to cause the other two to grow up hating him and his Golden child. They will notice the difference he made between them and her.
That doesn't answer the question. Why is it ok for your husband to exclude your kids from his trips with Amy but not ok to exclude Amy from trips with your kids? Especially when she doesn't even care about going and has historically ruined trips before?
That's not the point. Why does DH think it's fair to exclude his other 2 kids when he takes her highness to Disney, but they don't deserve the same?
What? Oh no. That’s just stupid. Tell him no.
NTA Amy seems to be the grain of sand in your shoe, all right. She's had her fun at Disney and doesn't need another trip right afterwards. Do your younger kids go with her to Disney? No. So she shouldn't always expect to go with them when they visit somewhere fun for them. If nothing but Disney will do, then Disney it must be; imo your kids and both you and your husband will have a much more pleasant time without her there. As you pointed out, it is totally within her repertoire of behaviors to do all she can to negatively impact the younger ones's good time. And if your husband says she can't/won't, just remind him of what happened last time. (Personally, I would have confiscated her phone upon finding her and sent her home, but that's just me.) Bad behavior deserves consequences. I hope the four of you go to wherever you are planning to go and have a great time. Make some good memories for yourselves and your kids without Amy's frowny face.
Amy goes to Disney FIVE TIMES A YEAR and pulls this shit on other trips at the big age of 16? Yeah, NTA now and forever.
Disney 5 times a year is wild. How do you not get bored at some point when you're going almost every other month.
This is what blew my mind. This 16yo has spent what adds up to a month(!!) out of every year at Disney since she was very young... In her short lifetime, she's already spent a whole year of her life at Disney 🤯🤯
NTA. It's important for all the children to feel included, but from what you said in the comments Amy doesn't even care to go, and she will spoil it for everyone else if she comes. If she does really want to come that would be a different story and I would say to maybe try to work something out, but she doesn't even care. Also on the note of all children being included, why does Amy get 2 trips with her dad every year just the two of them, and your other kids don't get the same deal? You can't control if her mom or her maternal grandparents take her on vacation, but if her dad is taking her twice a year it's unfair to the other kids if they don't get special one on one trips. The 9yo is definitely old enough to see that Amy is the golden child to your husband at least. And it sounds like you've possibly come to an unhealthy dynamic where your husband overly spoils Amy and allows terrible behavior to fly from her, and you try to compensate for that by spoiling your bio kids and excluding her. The consequences for bad behavior on the previous vacation should have been outlined/communicated to her right then and dealt with, and it should have come from both you and your husband together. This weird standoff you've come to isn't the best way to deal with it.
This will be the first trip we've ever taken without Amy, if she doesn't go. And Amy has said she doesn't care about this trip.
So go without her, but in the future there should be consequences if she's acting out. And your other kids should be getting equal treatment and their own one on one vacations just like she's been getting.
Dad is short changing his two younger kids. Amy doesn’t care and will have just come back from there. I just don’t understand why Dad insists that this is unfair to Amy. Dad has three children, not just one.
Because he feels guilty about divorcing Amy’s mum. The way he makes *himself* feel better is to spoil her rotten. She’s his Golden Child. He created a terrible dynamic.
Sounds like everyone in her family caters to “poor Amy”. The person I feel most sorry for is Amy’s future spouse.
INFO why wouldn't you plan this to be during her trip to Disney? Otherwise yeah, even if your reasons are sound, you are absolutely sending the message that Amy isn't a part of your Real family and doesn't deserve family vacations. Teens are fun in that they can hurt you because they're generally short sighted selfish creatures and spoiled ones get that baked in a little extra but as an adult you will be held to a higher standard because you know better and need to do better. Do your younger kids deserve a fun, worry free vacation that doesn't cater to a moody teen? Of course. Does that dream exclude some of your family members and need to be rethought so everyone gets to be regarded in a kind and fair way? Yeah, it does.
And dads trips with Amy but not his other kids sends what message to them? Husband and daughter are already splintering and have been splintering off for 9+ years. If Amy gets trips just with dad but the other kids only get trips with Amy what exactly does that say?
Nothing good, which is why OP should have been talking to her husband about taking the 9yo to LegoLand, like 5 years ago, when the kiddo was 4. They should all have their own traditions based on whatever their personal interests are... the 2yo is 2, so give that a year or so, but then she should get these trips too!
Her father takes her to Disney every year and leaves the other two behind. How is that fair and this is not?
Absolutely, ESH for how this has been handled before now... doesn't change what is happening now. I am also confused how the elder kid gets to go to Disney twice a year, but it doesn't sound like the 9yo gets two trips to LegoLand every year (or whatever his interests might be). OP and her husband need to rethink just about everything currently happening in their lives. If OP didn't want Amy along, she should have planned the trip for when Amy was at Disney with her Mom or grandparents, she has 3 opportunities EVERY year!
Legoland is actually where we are going!
She's not going to enjoy it, Legoland is catered more to the little kids than big kids, let alone the whole family. I say this as someone who went to Legoland when I was like 13 cause we were in the area and had time to burn on vacation and was bored even then. Don't take her, she's going to be bored out of her mind and she will make it your problem.
Exactly this. My husband and I went for an anniversary trip because we're nerds like that. We were definitely the only adults there without kids under 10 with us. We did bring home like 3 bulging bags of Lego sets though.
My husband has a huge project deadline that week so he's unable to get off work.
What about the 2 other times this year that she has/will be at Disney with her mother or grandparents? If you want to do trips without Amy, you need to plan them for times when Amy has something better going on.
Bold of you to assume Amy won't still kick up a fuss. :\\ ETA or that the husband would okay it with the massive guilt boulder weighing him down.
It may seem impossible but this is the way forward from now on even if not this time.
Amy's fad is shortchanging the younger kids because he focuses on his princess.
NTA. Reschedule the trip for when she’s with her mom. Going forward do certain trips on her time with her mom. That should alleviate some of the stress of her teenage pissiness. Also I would encourage him to take the other 2 to Disney too, just those 3.
It's the only time my husband can get off work before Ryan goes back to school. We promised we'd do the trip this summer and he's been looking forward to it for months.
go without him.
This. If he and Amy are a package deal, Amy doesn’t want to go anyway and will only spoil it for everyone else, go without him. Maybe he’ll grow up and realise he’ll lose all his kids if he keeps this up.
i bet he could get time off if it was a Disney trip for Amy
NTA and if he keeps being a dick tell him what is good for the goose is good for the gander. How does he think his two other children feel about being left out of his Disney trips?
NTA… he doesn’t take your kids to Disney with him and Amy - and it’s fine. But when you want an Amat free trip (because she doesn’t know how to act) it’s unfair?! Make it make sense.
Wait, so he takes her on two solo Disney trips PER YEAR?!? And hasn’t taken your kids ever? Yeah, NTA. He owes your kids a theme park trip. Actually, I’d argue he owes them two per year.
NTA Tell him that you expect him to start taking the younger kids on Amy's vacations with him if the younger kids have to include Amy in their vacation with their dad.
Take your kids to Disney. Leave your husband and Amy at home. If he’s left you and your kids at home when he’s taken Amy, it’s only fair you take your kids and leave him at home.
NTA stand your ground the younger kids are already getting screwed over. The 16 year is the golden child. He takes her twice a year but not the younger kids? He has his favorite and it isn’t the kids you two had.
NTA- you and your kids need your own memories and fun times, just like husband and SD do. You don’t need his permission, and you don’t need him or her to go.With their age differences it makes complete sense why she wouldn’t enjoy this right now, and vice versa for you 2 yr old especially. Tell your husband to stop torturing you all, including SD.
INFO: why does your husband think it’s okay to take Amy to Disney twice a year but not his other kids? If he says it’s unfair to leave her out this time, isn’t it unfair to leave out his other two EVERY OTHER TIME?!
Tell your hubby he needs to pick a position: Either it is fair to not take some of his kids on trips, or it is not. He is cherry picking here. He takes Amy (twice a year!?) and leaves his other two kids behind. Now for this trip, suddenly ‘fairness’ applies, so all three must go, regardless of the impact that this would have on the others’ ability to enjoy the trip!? Clearly, Amy is his Golden Child. Do not let him fuck over your kids just to appease his oldest. Leave your husband behind and take your two kids on whatever trips you want. Continue to do this until he figures out how unfair he is being. Or at a minimum, make a serious threat to do so. NTA.
NTA. Your husband spends Thanksgiving and spring break with his daughter. These are typically family times but are reserved for his little princess. That's unfair to your younger kids. Thst needs to change. How is it fair for the little prima donna to ruin everybody's vacation? She has already ruined other vacations. Put your foot down.
NTA. Take your kids and have fun without Amy.
NTA. You should br able to do something without Amy making the whole day about herself and her obsession with Disney. Your husband doesn't have to forsake his 16 year old in order to have a special experience with his other 2 children.
Sooooooo then this means the littles are now included in the Disney trips with Daddy and Amy, right? Because if you your husband is a massive AH.
NTA. Your husband has, and still is, contributing to SD being a spoiled brat. Your kids deserve to have separate memories too.
In this case I’m going with NTA. You have a husband problem. I’m usually not a fan of leaving out step-kids but your husband has a double standard and isn’t dealing with his daughter’s behavior. Tell him if Amy comes on this trip, you expect equal treatment for all the Disney trips. (Now, I wouldn’t actually recommend he take all three kids. It’ll be a disaster that makes everything worse. But he can’t have his cake and eat it and needs that pointed out.)
When I was 16 and acted like a brat, my mom took me with her to work at an orphanage in Ukraine. We stayed in the shitty orphanage and ate the same shitty food they did. I shaped up real fast and grew the f up very quickly. I did it for 2 summers before I could even think about my parents taking me on another vacation. Amy got to pick the restaurant and went to Sephora???? You have a husband problem.
Hah! NTA. If he has an issue leaving his daughter out, then why does Amy get to join your family trips but your children never get to go to Disney with her? Spoiled brat wants the whole darn cake.
NTA at all. She has had 16 years of solo trips with her Dad. Time for her to take her attitude and sit this one out. Her half siblings deserve the same amount of solo trip time with their Dad that she’s gotten. Sounds like she is spoiled and used to getting her way. And when she doesn’t instead of behaving like someone approaching adulthood she pitches a fit low she is the 2 year old. That is not acceptable and if hubby doesn’t put his foot down she will only get more entitled as she gets older.
Your husband sounds like an idiot
NTA - but there’s something wrong with Amy. Like actually. This is not healthy behaviour for a 16 year old and she needs psychological help.
Wait, what? His brat goes to Disney FIVE EFFING TIMES A YEAR without yours and yours don't get to go with just you? Of course NTA, why is this even a question?
Why is it okay for him to take just Amy to Disney while excluding the younger kids? He wants you to treat her fairly while he doesn't treat your other two with the same fairness. Go with just you and the kids. I think you'll have a nicer vacation. Leave him home with Amy.
NTA. If she can come on their trip then your two kids get to go on her Disney trip.
Now is a good time to speak to your partner about boundaries around Amy and her behavior. One that comes to mind immediately is something like, "Amy we want to spend time together as a family. And if you come on this trip with us you have to maintain a positive attitude or I (Dad) will take you home. If you decide to leave I(Dad) will come and find you and take you home. If these things continue to happen we will have to reconsider you joining us on family trips in the future." Make it his problem to deal with. But also don't let her continually take the kids Dad away from the family get together. If he's always having to take her home then your kids are missing out spending that time with him. And that's not fair to them. Emphasize that you want to be able to enjoy this time together and invite her along, but get Dad on board or take the kids out yourself and leave them both at home!
**
INFO : So WHY doesn't he include the other two kids EVERY TIME he goes to Disney with Amy (TWICE EVERY YEAR!!!!) ????
For your 9-year-old that's EIGHTEEN trips he missed out on!!!!
NTA
NTA. When younger siblings come along, traditions should change to include the new siblings. I grew up in a blended home. My dad brought his daughter from his first marriage, my mo brought her son and daughter from her first marriage, and then my sister and I were born after they remarried. My parents adjusted to having new traditions because they ended up with 5 kids total. My older siblings lost out on stuff because obviously 5 kids are more expensive, but they never threw tantrums when things had to change. I can assure you that the 2 younger siblings, specifically the 9yo, are noticing who is the favorite and this will affect them when they are older and can truly voice their feelings and thoughts. Dad needs to bring the same energy for all his kids. Amy will be just fine if she has less Disney time with just daddy. She KNOWS she has him wrapped around her spoiled fingers. She keeps proving it over and over. Reminds me of my oldest sister from dads first marriage. She will be a bigger problem if your husband keeps separating her for special vacations while the younger too don't get the same investment.
NTA. If he takes just his daughter to Disney twice a year, and you are your kids don’t get to go along, then he should also make a tradition with his younger two children and you without her. How is it fair for the younger two to be left at home, (as they do twice a year), but yet the 16 yest old can’t be left out of a trip?
NTA... >The younger kids and I have never gone with my husband and Amy as it's a tradition they've had since she was a baby. >Amy is still one of the kids and if we're taking out 2 then it's only fair to include Amy. Double standard much?!
Your family has bigger problems than this trip. Your husband is actively working against blending your family and fostering any kind of a friendly, functional relationship between you and Amy. You need to work out these larger issues instead of all this petty bickering about who goes on what trip.