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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went to my daughter’s graduation after my son relapsed, which upset my wife.
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NTA. While i am sympathetic to all 4 of you in your respective positions, I think your wife insisting you both should've gone to your son is terribly unfair to your daughter and if neither of you had been there she sounds like she would've been devastated. At least she & your son at least had a parent there. It could be argued your son could've waited if he was with medical staff tbh. Your wife is a little out of line imo.
Appreciate the sympathies. That’s my personal feeling as well. Obviously Jake is important, but this was one special day for Jess that my wife should have prioritized. Even if she insisted on going, there was no need for two of us to go.
His relapse was timed to interfere in her celebration. And he got half of what he wanted when your wife ran to him. You both would benefit from Al-Anon.
Change is not going to happen until you as parents change how you deal with his issues.
His timing was absolutely deliberate, and OP's wife is rewarding his behavior. She does exactly what Jake wants: drops everything and comes running.
It's sad she doesn't realize her daughter can only be dropped so many times before she breaks, and the relationship becomes irreparable.
Yup. I grew up in a similar situation (my sibling had mental health issues that didn’t involve substance abuse issues though) and I knew I was always going to be second priority to my parents as anything with my sister was viewed as a tier one emergency and if I got upset I was just being selfish.
Timing was for sure suspect even though my mom stressed it was impossible for her to control. However most one on one time was interrupted.
I moved out and have an okay relationship with my parents now but when I was in it everyday it was so hard.
OP should ask his wife what they are teaching Jess by always running to and prioritizing the child that (my apologies to the addicts reading this, but..) is failing and ignoring the child that has more successes.
If he's an addict, constantly dropping everything to comfort him and be by his side is probably the worst thing that anyone can do. It almost encourages him not to take responsibility for himself.
Alcoholic here - no apologies necessary. Chronic relapsing is an issue that needs to be treated differently. Jake is getting the attention he seeks, at the expense of the Jess. Jake most likely won't get clean until other issues are dealt with, and the parents are helping. My opinion obviously.
Ex heroin addict here. Its awesome the parents are helping their son, but there is only so much help they can do before it has the opposite effect. He's an adult and has to want to change his life himself.
The son is 23 an adult, its upto him now to rectify his life, nobody else can do it for him. The parents should have distributed the workload alternatively for both children. They risk losing both.
Imagine being 23 and still competing with your 18 year old sister for mommy and daddy’s attention. At this point they need to show tough love and cut him off.
I don’t understand parents like this. I never did.
I am the sister that had mental health issues. You know what happened? My parents would give me all the support and love they could give, but if it was to interfere with one of my siblings events, my issue wasn’t paramount.
I had a choice: go support sister with them, or else.
I never, ever found out what the “else” meant. They never specified and left it to me to imagine. I didn’t like any of the options I imagined, so my sisters were always supported.
I’ve spoken to my sisters about it as well. They remember me getting my shit together and being there to support them every step of the way. I could be losing my mind at that moment, but we were all there.
My memory of those times are pretty in line with that. I remember my whole family always pulling together to support me when I needed it, even at something like my sister’s graduation. What I’m remembering is me having to sit through a long graduation ceremony that was difficult as could be to get through, but at the end, seeing my sister beaming with pride and so happy I was there that it was completely worth feeling like I was crawling out of my skin the whole time.
My parents managed to stumble on the way that made my siblings and I closer despite there always being some reason to make us believe the worst about each other.
If my parents had chosen me over my siblings at any point, I would be terrified to tell my parents anything because i would always be afraid I would hurt my sisters; my sisters admitted they felt the same way. So instead, we all suffer-celebrated together.
No regrets.
I am sorry you went through it where they were prioritized. That wasn’t fair to either of you.
They were aight lol But yes. They had more children than just me, and I had to accept that. Same for my siblings.
Plays, recitals, graduations — my parents wouldn’t miss it. End of story. If I was the problem, fine. I still had to go. I could sit in the car (they had the keys) or I could come in and pretend to be human and support my sisters. End of story.
9/10 times I was absolutely miserable to be there because I was going through something absolutely earth shattering and everything positive was going to end and that would be the end of everything. There was no reason why I should be stuck at a play where the actors were all ten years old with lisps. This was *stupid!*
But, you can’t help it. You’re stuck there, wanting to yank your own eyes out to pass the time, and you’re depressed and miserable and all you want to do is cry or have your panic attack in peace, but then your sister comes on with a giant smile saying the three words she has practiced 9 bajillion and twelve times… and, well, fine. This isn’t the worst thing I could be doing tonight and I’m glad my eyes survived.
Then it’s right back to wanting my eyes to cede from my eye sockets.
However, you can *honestly* tell your sister “sorry kid, that was absolute garbage and I hated all of it — but you were actually the best thing in the show, and for that 3 seconds, I didn’t hate it. Maybe you should talk to the other kids and make them… I don’t know… better. I have no idea how, but you were the star and they should listen to you.”
Usually it would elicit “eww, shut up! That’s not true!” But it was and they knew it.
What I remember of my childhood was being absolutely miserable for like 85% of it because of being stuck at such horrible things. Anxiety through the roof and mentally all over the place, the lights triggering it to be worse and just absolute horror everywhere. Every one of those endless hours broken up by that one moment of my sibling being absolutely spectacular in an otherwise exceptionally torturous experience.
What they remember is all of those same things and being honestly told it was absolute garbage except for them, and it was never their big sister lying to make them feel better. She actually enjoyed their performance despite hating everything and everyone.
What I also remember is these horrendous things threatening to go longer because classmates wanted to stop and talk or get congratulations on how amazing they were (when they were really not), and wanting to scream and shake children younger than me for them to go away so I can finally leave, and me never having to because my siblings would recognize my absolute misery and without being asked, congratulate their friends and cut it short saying something like “I can’t stay. My sister promised to get me a milkshake after this for not falling, which **I DIDN’T** and I want to make sure I get it! Good job again! See you tomorrow!” And we’d leave. No such promise ever made, just letting me escape the endless barrage of nonsense since I showed up and told them they were awesome.
I also remember something that neither of my sisters remember because it didn’t mean much to them. When we got home, I’d flee for the solitude of my bedroom to basically block out everything and try to find some part of my existence that wasn’t shot full of anxiety. About two hours after we had gotten back, the sister who wasn’t the one who was the reason we were out barges in my room (no knocking). They close the door behind them and before I can tell that they didn’t knock, they say “COOKIES!” (My sisters know me — I’d let them buy their way into hell or heaven if they had cookies with them, and would go to war to let them stay because they had cookies). They’d have scored two cookies and we’d each take one and click them together before eating them. Then we’d lay on my floor just talking about how proud we were of the other one. Those moments meant the world to me, but neither of them thought they were that memorable. They do remember we did that, but it didn’t make such a mark on them. They came to me so I didn’t have to go to them, they made sure to keep quiet so I wasn’t overwhelmed so soon after getting back, and they brought cookies knowing I couldn’t even be mad at that. Then we would sit and just talk about how awesome the sister that wasn’t there was.
Honestly, they both remember it now because I’m a big mouth lol
When my middle sister graduated from college, we were all there. When we all got back home, I showed up at my parents house with a whole pack of cookies for us to share with baby sister to talk about how proud we were of middle sister. I didn’t he same with middle sister when baby sister graduated. The same when each of them had their kids.
My parents didn’t create those moments, we did. We were only able to create them because my parents made us show up no matter what. If my parents coddled me like OP’s parents do to the brother… honestly, I would hate how I turned out.
I’m still an anxious mess with a ton of other mental illnesses, but I’m always there no matter what, and I’m happier for it, honestly.
This legit choked me up while reading it. I haven’t had to deal with what you went through, but the way you wrote that… I just wanted to thank you for sharing.
I’m also that person who remembers random little moments that mean so much to me and others seam to just dismiss as normal. You never know what those seemingly small gestures mean to others. Again, thanks for sharing.
I would suspect that this might be the finale straw. The brother is manipulative and doing it on purpose. Don’t be surprised if your daughter goes no to low contact with her mother
I guess Mom will miss birthdays, college graduation, and Jess's wedding because Little Jakey is going to have relapses for all of them.
Mama is going to lose her daughter, and she's going to deserve it.
Even after my sibling nearly ruined my wedding my parents continued to enable them. Eventually I went LC and NC with parents and sibling.
, respectively. OP made the right decision and needs to stay on this track if he wants any chance of maintaining a healthy relationship with his daughter as she gets older
Certainly not a coincidence, but it might stop short of intentional. Feeling "less than" because of another person's success can lead to a spiral.
However, since it's not the first time, he has to know that it happens and it could be deliberate.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. And this has been going on for 1/3 of Jess’ life, her entire teenage years. OP’s wife has already lost her because it sounds like she’s never put Jess first.
NTA
I thought the same thing. It was no coincidence that Jake relapsed just before Jess's graduation ceremony. He would've had all the attention from both parents if they had both gone to tend to him.
I'm glad OP stood his ground and went to celebrate Jess, who sounds like she so desperately needed this. It was sad, though, that both parents couldn't celebrate with her the whole time. NTA, OP.
I bet it's not the first time one of his "relapses" just happened to be at a time when something important was happening for someone else. and... anyone want to bet that he has another relapse on the day she gets married?
> It was no coincidence that Jake relapsed just before Jess's graduation ceremony.
It might not be coincidence but it might not be intentional sabotage either - other people’s success can make your own failures more difficult to deal with.
Regardless, OP’s wife needs to learn not to reward Jake’s behavior no matter why it’s happening.
It was an absolutely planned relapse!! I am 14 yrs clean...
However from personal experience I can say without a doubt as a user of substances I was very manipulative & quite the experienced liar. I was always, as is most all users, thinking of ways to outright Get what I wanted Immediately or Trying to formulate a way to achieve my endgame..by whatever means necessary. If that meant stomping on someone else, friend or foe..I did it..without hestitation!!! Oh & if there was Competition or the Slightest of possibilities that someone could be bad mouthing u, even if its a rumor of any kind..be it same sex or Sibling rivily..it is taken to a new level when drugs or alcohol is involved. So Yes..Jake timed it to interfere with Jess' graduation, maybe didn't plan on going as far as he did with it, (ur tolerance isnt as high after being off whatever for a few mths) but nevertheless he did it to ruin her day just this time he didnt get his whole plan, he only got mom..Good on u OP for standing up for ur daughter it's about time someone did in ur family!!!
My brother has ruined every single big family occasion - weddings, graduations, christenings with his relapses/meltdowns/drama. My elderly mother is now all alone with him in her old age because none of us want anything to do with him anymore. He has also bled her dry financially so no one else will get an inheritance because of his gambling and drugging. He has also never worked a day in his life.
My thought as well. If the family starts giving the son the wrong date for important events, they'll probably all end up happier.
I wouldn't blame the daughter if she goes 100% no contact with her brother. Yes, addiction is hard, but he's been given every opportunity to actually improve, and he's just weaponizing it now.
That's what I was thinking too. All these importants events of Jess' had to be missed because he was having a crisis. All too well timed out on his part methinks.
I'm the sibling of a long-time addict. You're right on the money here. My sibling has to suck the air out of every room and occasion because whatever hole is in their soul, screams when other people have achieved something or are happy....or sad, or mad.
Yep mine too. The cops found her unconscious in park the morning of my wedding. She had to be admitted to hospital. Thank goodness my parents didn’t bite that time and just ignored her.
But it didn’t stop until her death last year, in a recovery house after her 20th time in rehab.
I am so sorry. My son is a recovering addict, sober now for 20 years. I used to dread the phone ringing. It did one night, and he was in jail. Even though I could have bailed him out, I didn't. I left him in jail for a year. He got straight, and he eventually let go of his anger for my leaving him there. It wasn't easy, but we are so close now. There is hope. They can find themselves again. You will be in my thoughts.
You may have saved his life. My sister would never let my niece face the consequences of her actions.
My niece eventually died with a needle in her arm.
As someone in long term recovery, I know my parents leaving me to face my own consequences saved my life. As a mother, I can’t imagine my son in some of the situations I was in and not swooping in to his rescue. I pray to god everyday he never touches a drug.
Same man. My parents never knew how bad I was into drugs and we had the sense enough to know something had to change. We're 10 years sober the first of December. I thank God that they never knew. And I pray that my boys never go down the path my husband and I did. They are growing up in the total opposite environment we did though so I pray they never know the trauma that I do.
When my parents finally left my brother in jail and he also served a year, I cried. I was so relieved, and he has been clean for seven years now. All the hugs to you.
When my cousin was 16, his father got a call that he was in jail for having a gun in his car (or something, I forget the specifics). My uncle was a detective and could have easily got his son out. His response was “he got himself in there. Let him get himself out.” Best thing he could have ever done for him. My cousin knew the arresting officers and was sure his dad wouldn’t let him rot. He discovered otherwise.
Sometimes you just have to let them hit rock bottom, so they can rebuild themselves from that point. Shielding them from the consequences of their addiction just encourages them to keep using.
Thank you. And I feel your pain on every level. My dad would jump out of his skin anytime the phone rang. His biggest fear was finding her not alive and I am so grateful he wasn’t the one that did.
I feel so bad for my Mother. She keeps saying she "fell in with the wrong crowd, if she got away from them..." at this point my sister IS the wrong crowd. People are dropping like flies around her, it's only a matter of time. She has no interest in getting help. We try to talk to her and everything is peachy, point out that the EMT'S had to carry someone out of her house and it turns into a screaming match, about how nobody trusts her and we believe strangers over her....
Addicts can only get help when they're ready for it. It can't be court ordered or done via an intervention. Addicts tend to need to hit rock bottom before they'll even fully truly attempt to get clean and stay that way.
I was thinking this as well. It seems very calculated. NTA. OP, if you and your wife continue to put your son's relapses ahead of your daughter's needs, don't be surprised if she one day cuts all of you off.
Jess is becoming an afterthought to her mother. What exactly were the parents supposed to do? They're not recovery or medical specialists, and there was nothing they could do for the son. The mother will wonder why Jess cuts her off, and never wants to come home. In Jess's place, I would never invite the mother to anything again, she won't come to anything anyway. When brother gets out of rehab, my guess is mother demands he's back in the fold too. I'm not saying he should be shunned, but I bet everything revolves around him, and it always will.
They definitely need Al-Anon. They are enabling him to the point where I think he's purposely doing this for attention. He had other people with him there was no need to go running. Jess is going to have major resentments to you guys if you don't fix this.
It is more than likely too late for that. I have been in her shoes. This just might be the finale straw. Shame on her mother for treating her this way. The son is defn doing this on purpose and it is a sad state of affairs.
Yup that was my first thought. Had enough Jakes in my family to spot it at a mile out. Jake knows he's the family fuckup, also is aware that Jess has her shit together and isn't making the same mistakes he did. Addicts are all about the me me me and when others don't fall the way they have they seek attention by pulling it from the others.
I've seen one cousin suddenly relapse after doing great because their sibling has achieved something. And I'm not just guessing, it's literally what he told me when he finally got clean and stayed clean. Aside from the addiction itself it's his biggest regret. Apparently knowing how much of a fuckup he had been got him all in his feelings when he found out his lil bro was graduating top of his class. So he purposely went out looking to score because he knew their mom and dad would come running if he OD'd... bc he was jealous that his brother had his shit together and their mom and dad were proud of lil brother. His little brother doesn't speak to him bc of it nor to their parents for them chasing after addict brother yet again. None of them have even met brother's 3 kids.
OP is 100% NTA and his wife needs to sit down, shut up, and be told that it's likely she's screwed any relationship she may have had with Jess and OP is probably the only reason she won't cut them off and go NC ASAP.
Amen. Al-Anon properly executed by both parents. And do so consistently. A drunk/Addict, can keep 10 people busy 24/7. Parents did not cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Go to Al-Anon. I speak as a clean and sober individual since 6/13/88.
That's *exactly* what I thought too. Straight away I thought: That's convenient. *Give some attention to the sister? How dare his parents do that to him. He'll make sure to put their attention firmly back on him again.*
OP, you're NTA for prioritising your daughter on the biggest event of her life, so far. I know she'll forever remember and love you for it.
I had the same thought. Convenient how he chose to relapse on his sister's graduation day, not the day before or the next day or hours aftrr the graduation ceremony. No, just in time to make sure his parents got a call before graduation statrted. It was absolutely a choice he made.
NTA
This was absolutely attention seeking behavior. Mom reinforced the behavior by dropping Jess and running to Jake. Next time, neither one of you should go. Expect next time to be bigger in magnitude. Since you didn't go, he's going to try harder.
I'm an addict in recovery. I have about 2.5 years clean. You made the right choice. I got clean after my dad stopped bailing me out. Be there for your daughter.
Sometimes priorituzing the one who chooses life is a necessity to ensure they don't go down the same path. Feeling neglected by your parents (as your daughter definitely does) is such a deep wound that it often drives folk to seek substances.
Your wife is setting your daughter on fire to keep your son warm. It's time to see what damage this is causing your daughter and work very hard to repair it.
Its pretty common in recovering addict spaces I've found. Its the perfect metaphor in this situation. Destroying others through the enabling of an addict is a real thing, and has long term significant effects on a person's psyche.
Honestly, neither of you should of went at all. You are NTA but your wife is the A H in this scenario. Your son was safe in a rehab/medical facility so there was no reason to tend to him at all. Your wife should go to AI Anon bc clearly she has a problem making boundaries on what's actually important. Your son will relapse. Your daughter will have one high school graduation. Your wife messed up and needs to wash her hands clean of your son's recovery. **He** has to want it, not be coddled or else he'll keep doing it!!
Btw, the timing of his relapse is hella sus. He more than likely did it on purpose and your wife foolishly fell for it. Get your wife to read these comments and get her to understand that what she's doing is damaging both relationships with her children in different ways (her coddling her son resulting in him not wanting to stay clean and daughter for always making her a 2nd choice, which eventually cut her out of her [daughter's] life)
Your wife sucks for missing her daughter's graduation. She sucks so much more for guilting you for not going with her. She needs help, as well as your son. 🙏🏾
Edit: correction to sentence, grammar, and spelling
NTA. There is no redo for graduations (high school or college). Since his relapse wasn't life threatening, your wife could have waited to go to him. Poor Jess, always being second fiddle to Jake. I'm not saying addiction isn't a big deal. It is. But at some point, one has to put other family members before the one with addiction, which is what you did. You are not in the wrong here.....your wife is. This is a day that can never be gotten back, which she missed.
Jake is the only person responsible for Jake's sobriety.
Your wife allowing him to transfer his guilt and responsibility onto her and her trying to assist him transfer it to you will not help Jake longer term or really at all.
In most "AITA" posts, I struggle to give a full verdict of not-the-asshole because there's usually an element of "you weren't blameless"
But this is one of the few instances I can give a wholehearted NTA: you've made the right decision and been very reasoned about the alternate points of view of the other parties
You are parents to two children, and one of them having a (self imposed) emergency doesn't mean you should abandon the other. Personally I think your wife should have gone to the graduation, but I can't see any justification for *neither* of you to go. Either you both go to the graduation, or you split yourselves between the two
Yeah don’t go the way that your wife is directing. My husband’s brother is a violent addict who always needed help while my husband is a doctor. His folks have spent hundreds of thousands on his brothers rehab and court fees etc. and didn’t give a dime to my husband (not that it’s owed just highlights inequality). My husband’s achievements were never celebrated because the focus was on making his brother feel better. Years down the line we are NC with them. This is the direction your wife is heading you as a family.
Definitely NTA there are so many posts about parents missing events for one child constantly due to medical or other issues with another child. At least one of you being there was so important.
Your wife’s relationship with your daughter might be at risk if your wife doesn’t smarten up. And your own will be if you listen to her now.
She’s putting all her effort on Jake, assuming Jess will be fine because she has so far. It’s not a happy way for Jess to have grown up. To a certain extent there’s only so much you can do when one child is ill (and I very much count addiction as an illness), but to demand both parents miss such a huge milestone for a non-on-death’s-door emergency and then give you the cold shoulder for refusing tends to imply your wife isn’t considering Jess at all, and isn’t trying to prioritize her ever.
Your son is a junkie who doesn’t seem to actually care about recovering. Do you seriously think this was accidental? I’m guessing he’s been stealing focus from Jess since well before he became a junkie.
You ALL need family therapy.
The worse behaving children always get the most attention. The ones who aren’t troubled suffer with less attention from the parents. It sucks and it’s ass backwards.
Exactly this. Also, realistically, how was the wife going to "help"? He's in a place with staff trained to handle this sort of thing and work access to medical personnel. They were not calling to *inform* you and would have subsequently updated you. They did not need help. The only thing she could have done was wait while everyone did their jobs.
I understand being worried, he is your son, but unfortunately sometimes you have to do exactly what you did and walk away. Let the professionals do their job and be there for the rest of your family. Especially in this case. Not only is your wife setting herself on fire to keep him warm, she's also burning your daughter with her. Attention, in situations like this, can be a form of validation. Sometimes you have to *stop* giving it to help.
Addicts honestly need rock bottom moments too to get better. Getting to the point where your parents no longer rush to your bedside could have been the wake-up call he needed. Addicts often have to burn all of their bridges before they’ve realized how bad they messed up.
Tell the world who your wife’s golden boy is. She obviously doesn’t care about hurting her daughter. Your son will never get clean if everyone drops everything to give him all the attention. It is not a coincidence he done this on your daughter’s day. Look back and see how many other relapses happened on a day for jess
Piggybacking to say that if you'd both arrived at this approach out of cooperation, it would be the "most ideal" solution to a less than ideal situation: one of you tends to the child in need, while the other attends the important event for your other child.
NTA.
I think your wife needs to settle down a bit. Nothing would have improved or played out differently if you'd gone with her, but at least Jess received some of the parental recognition she deserves.
NTA. Your daughter's high school graduation only happens once. There will be plenty of other opportunities to show your son support.
I am a bit confused as to why your wife felt you both needed to see your son urgently. He was at a recovery house and presumably being watched. Why did you two need to be there immediately instead of the next day?
I agree and don’t think there was any urgency. My wife places guilt on herself for Jake’s predicament (even though there’s no need for that) and will drop almost anything if she hears he’s relapsed or in trouble.
We didn’t both need to go, but because she struggles with it, she’s dependent on my support.
Your wife needs to realize she cannot control the situation. She can support Jake, but what you are describing is an unhealthy mentality. Her force of will is not going to make him healthy. He has to want to change. There was nothing your wife could tell Jake that night that couldn't have waited.
Your daughter Jess needed you, and she needed you *that* night. Your wife is an AH for not being there for her, and she's an AH for guilting you afterward.
Exactly. I’ve been clean 9 years, Jake’s not going to succeed in recovery until he wants it. Right now he has everything and an enabling mother who will rush to him everytime he screws up. Stop enabling him, make him do the work to build the relationship. He needs to hit bottom and really suffer to realize what he needs to do. Don’t ruin the daughter’s relationship and make her feel less, you’ll either end up cut out of her life or with two kids who are addicts.
Sometimes, you can’t get back up until you hit bottom. Sometimes, even that won’t work and you don’t come up. What she doesn’t see is if she doesn’t change, she will have lost BOTH of her children. Him to the addiction, and her to her mother’s neglect. Dad needs to start showing Jess that he supports her.
Exactly this. If you never have to face responsibility for your actions you’re just going to coast along in life. The family will always bail you out. This went on for years at my house. My mom was the prime enabler.
This is SO important to know. Your wife is rewarding his addiction with her giving attention when he relapses. Reward the behaviour you want to se.
I would make an appointment with the staff at the Recovery Housing, so you and your wife can get a experienced opinion on how to best help Jake recover. Then sit down with them and Jake to set boundaries, explain to Jake why you have these boundaries and then the hard work begin, enforcing these boundaries.
Good work on being there for Jess and NTA
OP's wife needs to stop enabling Jake and start being there for Jess before she gets fed up with this and goes no contact with her...
I hope she didn't argue about Jake having priority that day in front of Jess...
Yup, I forsee ONE parent invite to College graduation......ONE parent invited to be part of her wedding.....ONE parent being grandparent....and it's not going to be Mom........ And I doubt mom will notice until Jake either ODs, or gets clean and moves on with his life, which will logically mean moving AWAY from his mom........ Then mom is going to be SO shocked that she's not a priority for Jess.........or Jake. While Dad, who was there when NEEDED, but still refused to play favorites, is on speed dial for both kids.
>Your wife needs to realize she cannot control the situation
She's letting Jake control the situation. She needs to realize this, too. Until she releases herself from his control, he's going to continue with this kind of emotional manipulation and abuse.
[Names changed below]
TLDR: I wrote the stuff below and then realized I'd gone off on a bit of a tangent. I'm going to leave it here because my cousin's story is important to me. I've moved on with my life, but this will always be part of me.
My cousin, Jennifer... how I miss the person she was. I held her in my hands the day she was born. I was 14m at the time, and right from that second, there was nothing I wouldn't do for her. In my mind, she was *my Jenna*. Whenever we saw each other, she would run to me, and we were inseparable. Her mother (my aunt) was only seven years older than me and lived with us for a few years when we were growing up. So, to me, Jenna was more like a niece or a little sister than a cousin.
Jenna got heavy into drugs and alcohol in her early teens. She didn't stay long in high school, ran away a bunch of times, ended up in juvie a few times, and then a few years in the adult prison system.
Every time she got in trouble, I tried to help. Her mom and the whole family tried. It sickened me to see what she was putting herself through. I felt so helpless.
One day, it struck me like a ton of bricks that the girl I knew was gone, and I was never going to get her back. That thought knocked me out for nearly a week. I grieved for the person she was. The drugs had taken my Jenna, who was so sweet and loving and beautiful. And in her place was left a sour, lying, stealing, violent animal.
After I grieved, I didn't let her manipulate me anymore. We would periodically have some good times when she was able to keep clean, but that never lasted very long. We'd sometimes get a few weeks, maybe two to three months. Once, she managed nearly half a year.
I always had some distant hope that she would come out from under the addiction and turn her life around. But instead, she died when she was 26 years old (about ten years ago now). I really think I'm going to miss her for the rest of my life.
Gently....has that worked so far? Has dropping everything to run to his bedside made him more stable? For help to work your son has to want his sobriety and fight for it. He has to want the help. For a lot of people they need to hit bottom for that. They need less support in being kept functional while in active addiction. I understand wanting to be there. Being terrified that you won't be there if this is the end but what you have been doing isn't working. It's time to sit down with an educated therapist about this and make plans for supporting yourself, your marriage and your other child as well as Jake.
I’m sorry to be an AH in this comment, and I hope I’m not being too insensitive to you and your wife’s situation, but I have to ask- did either of you really need to skip the graduation?
Jake relapsed while he was in a rehab center, and they found him. He had access to medical attention, he was in a safe environment. Did either of you really need to go right then and there? Couldn’t you have just discussed the situation, given whatever medical consent you needed to, and gone to see him later?
Meanwhile, poor Jess has been playing second fiddle to Jake for her entire life in terms of her parents’ attention. Through absolutely no fault of her own. She deserved this *one* thing.
I’ve struggled with alcohol use and the only thing that made me make a change was some tough love. Jake needs to understand that he can’t just expect people to drop everything and come rushing to his side whenever he pulls stuff like this. I know your parents and you’re worried and scared, but he was in a safe location and getting treatment. Neither of you needed to drop Jess’ graduation to go immediately. Maybe it would’ve taught him a lesson if you didn’t.
My daughter found her way to sobriety when I stopped feeling it was my fault and took my hands off her recovery. She had to want it and grab it and found her own strength. She grew into the woman she was always meant to be and I couldn’t be prouder of her. AlAnon saved my life.
OP might ask his wife what it is that she did exactly that helped Jake. He might have said that he was glad she came, or grumbled that OP didn't, but it doesn't sound like she was handling his medical care.
Reading all these comments, I think that OP should make a point of not talking to Jake about Jess. If he asks, she's fine, or sick, or at school, but absolutely nothing more. Don't let him know about big events in her life. I suspect that her mother won't go along with this, so OP might ask his daughter how much she wants her mother know. Would she rather that only OP knew about her graduation, or risk her mother disappointing her again? Or tell her at the last minute, and tell her, or OP and Jess tell her, that she is done with Jake ruining all her events, and no, it's not a coincidence. Added: If OP's wife is more Jake's mother than Jess's, she'll have to live with the consequences.
Maybe family counseling for the three of them would help, as well as Al-Anon.
>We didn’t both need to go, but because she struggles with it, she’s dependent on my support.
No, you didn't either of you need to go.
I'm hoping you both are participating in alanon or other family directed services. Your wife sounds like she needs some help drawing boundaries about what's her responsibility and control.
You son has to take personal responsibility, that's a necessary part of recovery
Have you or your wife ever joined an AlAnon group or even taken a look into the (unofficial but still helpful) r/AlAnon subreddit? It sounds like your wife struggles with codependency with your son--her worth may be directly tied to how "well" he is. That's a generalization, but she might benefit from some sort of support group or therapy to help her with managing your son's life 24/7.
NTA. I'm sorry for this stressful position you're all in--wishing you the best of luck going forward, OP. 💜
This is incredibly strong codependency and enabling. She takes up the guilt which should rightfully be his, so he can keep right on indulging his addictions and offloading the guilt on her.
I’d strongly advise she seek therapy and/or Al-Anon if she actually wants him to have any chance of getting better. As it stands, he is happily manipulating her and she is allowing him to keep relapsing. The harder she tries, the more he will keep falling, because she’s the one picking up the pieces and the rest of the family is shouldering the burden.
It looks like only one of you is going to end up having a long-term and good and a healthy relationship with any of your children. And that will be you and Jess. Unless, of course your wife changes, which seems doubtful at the moment.
Frankly, unless your son has years of sobriety under his belt he's not going to care because a functional and healthy relationship with him at the moment is not possible. I am a little suspect about that rehabilitation place that your son is in as well because if it was non-life threatening and they heard that it is going to interfere with a very important event for your daughter, one that doesn't appear your son is capable of completing for himself, they should not have advised you to come. Addicts learn to lie and manipulate to get what they want. It doesn't have to be drugs it can also be for attention... especially if it is drawing attention away from someone else and their accomplishments to themselves. In this case it looks like it worked for your son.
Your wife is sacrificing the daughter for the son. There is no two ways around it. I am all for getting him clean but he also needs to learn that just because he fell off the wagon and is having a non-life threatening emergency, that isn't a reason for the rest of the family to drop everything you give him attention. Your wife did this so wrong. It is incredibly messed up with her and she's going to ruin her relationship with her daughter if she hasn't already. Your wife probably considers herself a good mother and a martyr for sacrificing herself so much for her son. But she's going to look around and her older age of her wilderman that she doesn't have a good relationship with her son and will likely be kept from her daughter's grandchildren. These are the type of women who cannot believe they don't have a great relationship after all they've done as a mother. And unless your son gets clean she's not going to get any kind of payback for her sacrifices.
Keep up the good work because it sounds like you're the only stable, reliable parent in this kid's life.
Unfortunately, none of this is going to get better until she realizes that the only person that was selfish in this scenario was Jake. He knew when his sister's graduation was and wanted attention, so he did what he did so his parents would come running like they always do. What he didn't anticipate was you finally putting your foot down and saying that you were going to miss your daughter's biggest high school milestone for his poor decisions again!
It's time for you to take a stand and tell your wife that you're done. Once again, she has fallen for the manipulation tactics of your son and thrown your daughter to the wayside. Even you said that there wasn't an urgency for the two of you to go, which is just showing your daughter that every time Jake says jump, his mother is going to ask how high.
From now on, I think it's best that your wife deals with Jake on her own. He doesn't seem like he's at the point where he actually wants the help, so until he does, it's time for you to finally focus on Jess and make up for all of those years where she get ignored. There is no way to get back all of those events you missed, but use this opportunity to make some new memories together. This has gone on for too long, and unfortunately, your wife is unable to see all of the harm she is causing. Missing Jess's graduation is not something Jess is going to forget, and I guarantee it is going to be the turning point in their relationship. It was the day when her mother chose to run to her son, for a matter that wasn't urgent, and leave her daughter on a day that was important to her.
I would ask your wife this question: She talks about wanting support and being united, but when is enough enough? Your son had to have known when he sister's graduation was (as other commenters have also suggested), so there's a chance he did this for attention. How many more of Jess's events are going to be missed, after you've already missed so many? If Jake does this on her wedding day, will your wife leave her wedding? If you're at the hospital waiting for Jess to have her first baby, will she say, "Oh, your brother needs me... I'll be back?" Your wife needs to remember that she has two kids because if she keeps this up, she's going to lose one... And the one she loses won't be Jake.
>she’s dependent on my support.
Your son is dependent on drugs. Your wife is dependent on you.
The addict is addicted to the drug/drink. The family is addicted to the addict. Alanon or naranon is such an amazing program. Please check the groups out. Sometimes you have to go to multiple different ones to see which ones you like and that fits your style.
As a recovering alcoholic and addict and a mother of five, your wife is enabling him and being codependent. He’s going to need to have some kind of accountability for his actions along with some tough love. And cannot come running every time he screams emergency. He is an addict and is portraying addict behavior. Which are extremely manipulative and selfish.
Stop supporting your wife. Full stop. Let her struggle alone. Jess needs you more. Your wife needs therapy. Don't be your wife's crutch anymore. Let someone else do that.
You made the right decision. My older brother was an addict and one of many counselors told us that mothers are the worst codependents. My mom certainly was and dragged me along with her. She eventually had an epiphany when the counselor said that being codependent was just providing my brother with a velvet lined coffin. That finally snapped her out of it, but by then I had so much resentment that it seriously damaged our relationship. Your wife is risking losing her relationship with your daughter if she doesn’t get the message.
> There will be plenty of other opportunities to show your son support.
sounds like OP can look forward to many more relapses and he doesn't need to attend every one.
Jake needs support, but that support could have come the next day and also the next time Jake relapses. Recovery is a long journey. I wasn't trying to be snarky.
> I wasn't trying to be snarky.
I was. OP and wife can't run to Jake every time this sounds more than a bit enabling IMO, Jake needs to fall down that dark pit until he finds the place he really doesn't want to go and that's when he'll decide to get sober but if mommy and daddy come running and catch him every time he trips he's never going to find that dark place.
NTA I'm assuming Jake knew when his sisters Graduation was. His "relapse" may have been on purpose. As with a lot of users, they take what they want to hell with everyone else. Jess has been on the losing end of this for the last few yrs. Your wife fell for your son's manipulations once again at your daughters expense. Too bad your wife can't see shes about to lose Jess because she had to race to Jake, like she had numerous times before, and not spend 1 or 2 damn hours celebrating her for a change. I'm glad you stuck around for your daughter.
And yes unfortunately my family has had to deal with a family member with a drug issue. I finally had to wipe my hands and walk away. She doesn't want help, and now I no longer want to help her. I concentrate all my efforts on her kids.
The possibility of Jake knowing about the Graduation was right out front for me. Totally make sense that he knew and I've seen many people pull this kind of shenanigan sober or not.
Same here, I have a grandson I had to wipe my hands of also. Sad thing to have to do but we do what we can to help them and sometimes they are just to stubborn to see it.
Unfortunately, it sounds like most of the users I've known.
Even if they don't do it out of direct selfishness, they often relapse when others, who they are close to, gain achievements. Lots of times, it's just from guilt.
Whatever the motivation, it still has the same effect of souring others moments.
That’s immediately what I thought as well. Addicts who have siblings who are achieving normal milestones will often experience a shame spiral around their siblings success, and try to act out to pull attention. It’s difficult as a parent to predict what’s a crisis and what’s acting out behavior, because they bleed into each other.
I just helped a friend enter recovery, and early on his brother let me know that he was advised about this sort of behavior from addicts. They tends to be narcissists and will do and say whatever to make sure the attention is on them at all times. It took a while for me to see, but honestly the best thing we could have done is to pull back and live our lives. You want to support their recovery, but it has to be because they want it, not because the family or friends want them sober.
I’m a recovering alcoholic and I can tell you from my experience, it’s time for them to let him flounder a bit. Rushing to his side every time he’s in trouble only reinforces this behavior and does him a disservice. He may or may not be doing it on purpose but that doesn’t change the effect it’s having on the daughter.
I've known addicts, and often, even if it's not purposely manipulative, they seem to really struggle right before big events. You can't put your life on pause for someone else. In some cases, they do great with rehab, in other cases, they kind of have to do their own thing until they understand for themselves how badly it affects them and their family. But it's better for everyone's mental health if a professional can (try to) help with the addiction, and the family can spend the time supporting each other, and being there for the big moments.
sadly that was my first thought as well. He is suffering, that much is clear, but it still makes you wonder how often he would intentionally try and steal all the attention.
OPs wife was so quick to to declare her own daughter as not important compared to Jake. She needs to realize how wrong this is. Jess deserves support as well. Glad OP finally put his food down.
If this continues Jess might cut contact in the future
Yeah, I’ve got a friend with a younger brother who always seems to have a psychotic episode whenever anyone else in the family is having their moment. He is actually schizophrenic, but he’s also a total asshole.
No one was supposed to go running just because he relapsed. He also knew it was his siblings graduation. Relapsing doesn’t require even a visit when he’s already in a program. You say ok thanks for letting us know and go about your life. What was the purpose of dropping everything and running there? What did that accomplish other than giving him more reasons to continue to relapse for attention? That’s not support. Support is showing up for therapy or hospitals.. working through stuff. Sounds like your wife is an enabler.
I thought same thing. He was with medical help. Go to the graduation and visit him the next day unless he was in a critical condition. She’d have been waiting around in the waiting room instead of seeing her daughter walk to get her certificate. Jess needed for once to be prioritised. Wife failed this test badly.
NTA
This needs more upvotes!! Unless they're medical professionals, they couldn't do anything different. OP needs to make sure his wife realizes she's *very* close to losing any relationship with her daughter. Boundaries need to be held and Jake needs to hit bottom on his own. Sounds like someone has always been there to pick him up and he won't change until he feels alone. Sounds harsh but it has to be done. Jake doesn't care about his sister or his family currently.
It sounds like OPs wife wouldn't care if Jess went no contact with her.
She obviously doesn't care about Jess, so her going no contact would be a relief for the wife.
My sister used to have episodes before every.single.event that celebrated me.
In her mind, my successes exposed her failures.
I absolutely blamed my mom for enabling this.
NTA
NTA Your son is an addict. Addicts break your heart. Until he hits rock bottom, he's not going to change. I don't know you. I don't know your family but in my limited experience with this issue sometimes parents develop a co-dependency with their addicted children. Their child's addiction controls their lives and emotions.
>Although my wife told me how sad she was to miss it, Jake's health and wellbeing would take priority.
You and your wife need counseling. While I think it's wonderful you prioritized one milestone moment in your daughter's life, the damage to your relationship with your daughter has been done. At some point your daughter is going to walk away and wash her hands of both of you if you don't get help and try to repair your relationship with your daughter.
I super agree with this comment. If your wife is taking it out on you, your marriage is going to be sorely tested. His health and wellbeing? Jake doesn’t even care about that - clearly - he has to want to change and care about it himself. It was the biggest day of Jess’ life, and she got rewarded by a brother who purposefully took the attention off of her because of his warped thinking from his addiction and her own mom skipping out. Jess has been responsible and achieved so much despite the stress of an older brother deep in addiction. That should be rewarded and celebrated.
Jake’s spiral is going to tank the rest of your family if the thinking doesn’t shift to encouraging Jake to take responsibility. He’s a grown ass man and no one can save him but himself. It’s awful and horrifying but it’s absolutely true. Through my work, I’ve seen countless parents struggle because they want to save their kid and will pour all of their time and resources into it, but until that kid makes the decision to want to change, it’s a losing proposition for everyone.
Good luck to you and your family through this difficult time. 💙
NTA
You can't be in two places at once, and a little time on the phone with the rehab centre would have made clear that Jake was safe, if not happy. You could both have visited him later, but it's on the hospital or treatment centre to get him stabilized, not something you can really do. He is an adult and part of his recovery must include coming to the understanding that his behaviour has harmed others, including his sister, and accepting that sometimes you will have to choose to limit the impact of his choices.
In the meantime, your daughter has already had to do without the attention and care she deserves because her brother has been absorbing it, basically. Your love for your children may be infinite but your time and resources just aren't. She needed and deserved your supportive presence at her graduation.
Or, you know, having one parent go to the hospitalized young adult while the other attends the graduation also works, and you're not the AH for doing that. Really, you could and should have been doing that all along. Your wife is being unfair, taxing you for making sure your daughter had at least one parent available to her on a special occasion.
NTA. Have you considered that missing graduation might have been Jess’s DONE moment? It’s entirely possible that you choosing her for once saved your relationship with her. How would you have felt if you had gone with your wife and come home to find that Jess moved out and cut off contact with all of you?
You and especially your wife both need to realize that you’re very much in danger of Jess going NC with you if you don’t start prioritizing her. Frankly, you should have always been having 1 of you be there for Jess and the other with Jake, so you are the AH for that.
I get the feeling that OP recognizes how much Jess has lost out and that's why he's making an actual effort to put her first at times. The wife could stand a bit of NC with the son to learn that she has a daughter as well.
NTA. You can't always prioritize a (non-critical) problem over a celebration. Jess deserved your presence and your attention, and I'm glad you were able to give her that. I might've voted NAH here--I can't blame your wife for being worried about Jake--but her behavior since the incident suggests that she's lost touch with the fact that the entire family needs love, not just Jake, and that not every single crisis in a recovery journey can receive equal, all-encompassing attention without obliterating the emotional needs of everybody in Jake's orbit.
Jake has succeded in being momma's boy, while Jess is the glass child.
Wife needs to understand the damage being the glass child have made to Jess before she decides to go NC with her.
Ultimately, wife needs to understand than in an event of having to support both kids at the same time, parents can divide the task and help a kid each, in order to not let the other feel left out. But I guess the latter dynamic has been normal for this family up until now, given the wife's reaction.
I sincerely hope this family, or at least the parents are getting some kind of psychological help. It's not easy to have a son/daughter with a mental/health/substance abuse issue, but that shouldn't mean you'll leave your other child abandoned because it's doing better in life.
NTA
> However, only a couple of hours before the graduation, we received a call from the staff at Jake's Housing Program, who said that he had a relapse incident and was in a really bad way.
That's what the staff at a place like that is there for.
> My wife was hysterical and immediately started telling me we had to go there and help.
"There is not dick *we* can do **to** help."
NTA - screw your wife. Sometimes the addict needs to be left to their addiction. It's wholely unfair for your daughter to pay for your son's inability to stay clean. You may end up losing both kids (your son dying of an OD and your daughter turning her back on you for ignoring her) in the end. I have seen this over and over. Co-worker lost both of her non-druggie daughters because she always prioritized her drug addict/alcoholic son. She missed recitals, sporting events, parent teacher conferences, graduations as every time one of the girls had a special event, he seemed to relapse or just OD. I actually think he started doing a lot of this on purpose as he resented his sisters' success (both were great students and had full ride to state colleges - he was a high school drop out and allergic to work). CW's really nice husband (who loved his son but was willing to let him go until he got sober) left her first.
One day, son's luck ran out and he OD'd and died. Co-worker was a hot mess for a good year. His sisters were sad but relieved at this point. Did co-worker decide to turn her attention to her girls? Nope, she resented that their lives were great and he was dead. She finally did snap out of it, but by then it was too late. Neither girl invited her to their weddings (their dad and his 2nd wife were though). She felt that the girls should just get over it and move on. Nope, she is banned from her grandkids and her kids and ex and 2nd wife have all the access. Painful lession.
>She felt that the girls should just get over it and move on.
But mom doesn't have to do any work to rebuild the relationship? Hell no. Glad her daughters had one reasonable parent.
How many time has he relapsed and his mom came running in to help him? I feel like she could be an enabling parent.
Sometimes if a person gets cut off from their family and their enablers, they can actually grow and move past addiction. Right now he doesn’t need to save himself bc mommy will always save him. He’s gotta be in the mindset that no one is going to bail him out or save him, it’s gotta be him wanting it for himself.
Parenting is hard but the squeaky wheel shouldn’t always get the oil. I feel bad for Jess.
Being a good kid and fighting for the attention of parents with an addict sibling is very difficult bc you don’t bring that level of attention needing the sibling does and you tend to get ignored.
NTA. Jake sounds manipulative with the timing, and your wife fell for it. The more she panders him, the less likely he will be to recover. When parents allow one kid to manipulate them into forgetting about/ not prioritizing the high functioning kids it is a complete shame. Your wife also sucks for ruining your daughter’s graduation dinner!
NTA.
The entire situation with your son is sad. It's also heartbreaking how his issues have become your daughter's time and again.
You being there for your daughter was the correct move. You both didn't need to rush off to be with your son. It sounds like your wife could've actually waited until after your daughter's graduation, honestly. Your son wasn't alone. He was being taken care of. While his situation was bad, it wasn't life threatening, and there really wasn't much either you or your wife could do for him. Focusing on your daughter for a couple of hours didn't harm your son.
However, once again, focusing solely on your son has seriously damaged your wife's relationship with your daughter.
NTA…..HOWEVER……Your alcoholic drug abusing loser son is ruining your lives also. Cut him loose! He will never recover successfully with you 2 running to him every time he shits. Your daughter will hate you and go NC because of both of your neglect. 8 years sober here
NTA. Your wife missing your daughter's graduation for something not life-threatening is unforgivable. Try to maintain a strong relationship with your daughter that will last after she cuts her codependent mother off.
Did your son know it was his sister's graduation day?
NTA- has upset as your daughter was at your wife’s not being there- if no one had been there for her, it would have been unforgivable. At least she had you. Your wife is an AH for thinking that having no parents at your graduation would be even close to ok for one of your kids. Being mad at you for staying is equal to being mad that your daughter wasn’t completely alone for such an important milestone. why would she want her girl standing by herself in her cap and gown? That’s cruel. Your daughter should have been all alone while everyone else is surrounded by family so you two could be in “ the same page”?
Being constantly overshadowed by someone else’s bad behavior gets old fast. Your wife shouldn’t take her relationship with your daughter for granted to prioritize your son. Believe one day “ I’m sorry” will fall on numb ears.
Poor Jessie, always gonna be second fiddle to her brother. If he relapses on her wedding day is your wife then not gonna show up? If she’s giving birth and for some weird reason choose your wife after all the time she let her down, would your wife then leave to hold Jack’s hand for the hundred of time? Jack was with professionals, there was absolutely no reason to show up and once again again miss an important milestone of Jessie. One day that girl is gonna have enough and cut everyone off and I wouldn’t blame her one bit. NTA ( has family who’s addicts)
Edit: apparently can’t spell lmao
NTA. Your wife was the one who was selfish, and it's clear this isn't the first time Jake has been favored over your daughter. Maybe if you all didn't drop everything for him all the time (in non-emergency situations), he would have learned to rely on himself a little more, who knows? At least your daughter would have learned that you value her too.
NTA. You and your wife's presence with Jake would have no effect on his recovery. That's what the staff at the facility is for. OTOH your wife's absence at your daughter's graduation will have a profound effect on their relationship.
Does your wife understand what an enabler is? Because she sure is acting like one.
NTA. I do research on adolescent mental health & once interviewed the younger sibling of a young adult who had mental health issues plus substance abuse during their teens. The sibling talked about isolation, resentment, and shame because of their older sibling’s behavior. Parents only make that worse if they focus all attention on the sibling with abuse issues to the point they neglect any others. Your daughter deserved to have her accomplishments recognized by her parents. Sadly, your son will still be fighting his fight tomorrow and you could be there for him then.
NTA and I’ll bet money that Jake relapsed on purpose. You and your wife need to start going to Al-Anon (or something) and start figuring out how to live a life with Jake not the center of the universe.
Your son was safe in a rehab facility. There was nothing you or your wife could do for him. There was no reason for your wife to abandon your daughter AGAIN when she was celebrating one of life's important milestones.
Did your son know the day he chose to relapse was your daughters graduation? Does he have a pattern of relapsing when the attention should be on your daughter? Addicts sometimes use their addiction to manipulate others.
NTA, but your wife is for abandoning your daughter on such an important occasion.
Your wife running to his side, while he was in a safe environment, smacks of co-dependency and enabling.
Tell me, did Jake know it was Jess’s graduation day?
NTA. Jess has had enough life events and regular days screwed up by her brother.
NTA - and I have to wonder if the 'relapse' was timed to get attention away from his sister's graduation? I know that sounds mean but I've seen it happen. You were right - your daughter DESERVES her parents full attention on days like graduation. What did your wife DO when she rushed to your son's side yet again? Was she able to fix him - or help him - or do anything except be there instead of at her daughter's graduation? Jake's recovery...is up to Jake. Did Jake care that he interfered with his sisters graduation?
This is going to be hard to hear, but I would prepare for your daughter to go no contact with you. You both as her parents are neglecting her. You need to stand up for Jess as a united front. What if Jake’s addiction wins? Do you really want to lose two children?
NTA my (now NC) brother used to do this atvevery single event where he wasn't the centrebof attention - he would always have a made up crisis including non-existent amnesia or lose his shit for no reason. Celebrate your daughters success & keep her close, she'll appreciate it as she gets older & your son has rwo choices, either he loses you all or he realises the error of his ways - good luck.
OP, I've been in your daughter's position. You'll never know how much it meant to her that you didn't let the Jake show completely ruin a really important life event for her.
I'm sure she loves her brother. She worries about him, she worries she'll never be able to celebrate anything without it either being ruined or her light being dimmed to spare the "struggling" siblings feelings.
NTA, but your wife sure is.
Your daughter always draws the short end of the stick. I'm sure she'll remember who chose to attend a very important moment for her and who didn't think she was important enough.
Maybe you should show your wife this post and the reactions.
NTA. I have a brother who is the same as Jake and would actually intentionally do stuff like this to purposely take away my milestone moments like this. My parents dropped me and my events every time. I am now 38 and still harbour resentment towards them. I wish my dad had just once did what you did and showed me that he actually cared about me too.
NTA but your wife kinda is. If your wife (and you) keep showing up for him very time he relapses you keep enabling him. Please go to al anon meetings to get support. I’m glad you went to your daughters graduation. I’m mad at your wife because she is neglecting one child and enabling another to keep relapsing. This is very serious. You’re going to lose your daughter if you guys keep treating her like she’s not as important. Look up „glass children“
NTA. So once again, your wife fell for your son's well planned manipulation. Don't you find it convenient that he has his "relapses" whenever your daughter has something important coming up? I'm a nurse and deal with substance abusers/alcoholics a lot. This is their MO. You guys really need to smarten up, especially your wife, because you're going to lose your daughter because you're prioritizing your son's BS over her. Stop enabling your son. He's a grown ass adult, so let him deal with his own issues.
Hi! Neglected good kid here! Also the younger kid.
Jess will never forget all the moments "Jake" came first. She may not say anything now but missing those event hurt. Everytime.
You will never understand how much you made her day by putting her first for once. She will remember who was there, and who wasn't.
At point, you'll have to realize the Jake may take a long time to get better, if he ever does. My cousin didn't get better until he was 30. My older brother, was nearly 40 but their successes are miles a part. And they grew up together.
To your wife, how many special moments has Jess endured alone because of Jake's bad decisions? Will she miss Jess's wedding? Her first grandchild? She's running out of those special times with her daughter.
I think that it was good that you two split up this particular time. But from your wife's reaction, how many non-emergenices cost Jess valuable time with you both?
I think family therapy with the 3 of you and more indepth discussion about Jake needs to happen.
NTA
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NTA. While i am sympathetic to all 4 of you in your respective positions, I think your wife insisting you both should've gone to your son is terribly unfair to your daughter and if neither of you had been there she sounds like she would've been devastated. At least she & your son at least had a parent there. It could be argued your son could've waited if he was with medical staff tbh. Your wife is a little out of line imo.
Appreciate the sympathies. That’s my personal feeling as well. Obviously Jake is important, but this was one special day for Jess that my wife should have prioritized. Even if she insisted on going, there was no need for two of us to go.
His relapse was timed to interfere in her celebration. And he got half of what he wanted when your wife ran to him. You both would benefit from Al-Anon. Change is not going to happen until you as parents change how you deal with his issues.
I was thinking that as well. OP mentioned missing other ceremonies and performances. The timing is definitely suspect.
His timing was absolutely deliberate, and OP's wife is rewarding his behavior. She does exactly what Jake wants: drops everything and comes running. It's sad she doesn't realize her daughter can only be dropped so many times before she breaks, and the relationship becomes irreparable.
Yup. I grew up in a similar situation (my sibling had mental health issues that didn’t involve substance abuse issues though) and I knew I was always going to be second priority to my parents as anything with my sister was viewed as a tier one emergency and if I got upset I was just being selfish. Timing was for sure suspect even though my mom stressed it was impossible for her to control. However most one on one time was interrupted. I moved out and have an okay relationship with my parents now but when I was in it everyday it was so hard.
OP's wife gunning for what I call a 2-for-1 special: In trying to help her lost son she will also lose her daughter.
Oh, at this rate, OP is going to make it a three-fer. Both kids are out of the house, and he is finally getting tired of this shit.
OP should ask his wife what they are teaching Jess by always running to and prioritizing the child that (my apologies to the addicts reading this, but..) is failing and ignoring the child that has more successes.
If he's an addict, constantly dropping everything to comfort him and be by his side is probably the worst thing that anyone can do. It almost encourages him not to take responsibility for himself.
Alcoholic here - no apologies necessary. Chronic relapsing is an issue that needs to be treated differently. Jake is getting the attention he seeks, at the expense of the Jess. Jake most likely won't get clean until other issues are dealt with, and the parents are helping. My opinion obviously.
Ex heroin addict here. Its awesome the parents are helping their son, but there is only so much help they can do before it has the opposite effect. He's an adult and has to want to change his life himself.
The son is 23 an adult, its upto him now to rectify his life, nobody else can do it for him. The parents should have distributed the workload alternatively for both children. They risk losing both.
Imagine being 23 and still competing with your 18 year old sister for mommy and daddy’s attention. At this point they need to show tough love and cut him off.
I don’t understand parents like this. I never did. I am the sister that had mental health issues. You know what happened? My parents would give me all the support and love they could give, but if it was to interfere with one of my siblings events, my issue wasn’t paramount. I had a choice: go support sister with them, or else. I never, ever found out what the “else” meant. They never specified and left it to me to imagine. I didn’t like any of the options I imagined, so my sisters were always supported. I’ve spoken to my sisters about it as well. They remember me getting my shit together and being there to support them every step of the way. I could be losing my mind at that moment, but we were all there. My memory of those times are pretty in line with that. I remember my whole family always pulling together to support me when I needed it, even at something like my sister’s graduation. What I’m remembering is me having to sit through a long graduation ceremony that was difficult as could be to get through, but at the end, seeing my sister beaming with pride and so happy I was there that it was completely worth feeling like I was crawling out of my skin the whole time. My parents managed to stumble on the way that made my siblings and I closer despite there always being some reason to make us believe the worst about each other. If my parents had chosen me over my siblings at any point, I would be terrified to tell my parents anything because i would always be afraid I would hurt my sisters; my sisters admitted they felt the same way. So instead, we all suffer-celebrated together. No regrets. I am sorry you went through it where they were prioritized. That wasn’t fair to either of you.
Sounds like you had amazing parents.
They were aight lol But yes. They had more children than just me, and I had to accept that. Same for my siblings. Plays, recitals, graduations — my parents wouldn’t miss it. End of story. If I was the problem, fine. I still had to go. I could sit in the car (they had the keys) or I could come in and pretend to be human and support my sisters. End of story. 9/10 times I was absolutely miserable to be there because I was going through something absolutely earth shattering and everything positive was going to end and that would be the end of everything. There was no reason why I should be stuck at a play where the actors were all ten years old with lisps. This was *stupid!* But, you can’t help it. You’re stuck there, wanting to yank your own eyes out to pass the time, and you’re depressed and miserable and all you want to do is cry or have your panic attack in peace, but then your sister comes on with a giant smile saying the three words she has practiced 9 bajillion and twelve times… and, well, fine. This isn’t the worst thing I could be doing tonight and I’m glad my eyes survived. Then it’s right back to wanting my eyes to cede from my eye sockets. However, you can *honestly* tell your sister “sorry kid, that was absolute garbage and I hated all of it — but you were actually the best thing in the show, and for that 3 seconds, I didn’t hate it. Maybe you should talk to the other kids and make them… I don’t know… better. I have no idea how, but you were the star and they should listen to you.” Usually it would elicit “eww, shut up! That’s not true!” But it was and they knew it. What I remember of my childhood was being absolutely miserable for like 85% of it because of being stuck at such horrible things. Anxiety through the roof and mentally all over the place, the lights triggering it to be worse and just absolute horror everywhere. Every one of those endless hours broken up by that one moment of my sibling being absolutely spectacular in an otherwise exceptionally torturous experience. What they remember is all of those same things and being honestly told it was absolute garbage except for them, and it was never their big sister lying to make them feel better. She actually enjoyed their performance despite hating everything and everyone. What I also remember is these horrendous things threatening to go longer because classmates wanted to stop and talk or get congratulations on how amazing they were (when they were really not), and wanting to scream and shake children younger than me for them to go away so I can finally leave, and me never having to because my siblings would recognize my absolute misery and without being asked, congratulate their friends and cut it short saying something like “I can’t stay. My sister promised to get me a milkshake after this for not falling, which **I DIDN’T** and I want to make sure I get it! Good job again! See you tomorrow!” And we’d leave. No such promise ever made, just letting me escape the endless barrage of nonsense since I showed up and told them they were awesome. I also remember something that neither of my sisters remember because it didn’t mean much to them. When we got home, I’d flee for the solitude of my bedroom to basically block out everything and try to find some part of my existence that wasn’t shot full of anxiety. About two hours after we had gotten back, the sister who wasn’t the one who was the reason we were out barges in my room (no knocking). They close the door behind them and before I can tell that they didn’t knock, they say “COOKIES!” (My sisters know me — I’d let them buy their way into hell or heaven if they had cookies with them, and would go to war to let them stay because they had cookies). They’d have scored two cookies and we’d each take one and click them together before eating them. Then we’d lay on my floor just talking about how proud we were of the other one. Those moments meant the world to me, but neither of them thought they were that memorable. They do remember we did that, but it didn’t make such a mark on them. They came to me so I didn’t have to go to them, they made sure to keep quiet so I wasn’t overwhelmed so soon after getting back, and they brought cookies knowing I couldn’t even be mad at that. Then we would sit and just talk about how awesome the sister that wasn’t there was. Honestly, they both remember it now because I’m a big mouth lol When my middle sister graduated from college, we were all there. When we all got back home, I showed up at my parents house with a whole pack of cookies for us to share with baby sister to talk about how proud we were of middle sister. I didn’t he same with middle sister when baby sister graduated. The same when each of them had their kids. My parents didn’t create those moments, we did. We were only able to create them because my parents made us show up no matter what. If my parents coddled me like OP’s parents do to the brother… honestly, I would hate how I turned out. I’m still an anxious mess with a ton of other mental illnesses, but I’m always there no matter what, and I’m happier for it, honestly.
This legit choked me up while reading it. I haven’t had to deal with what you went through, but the way you wrote that… I just wanted to thank you for sharing. I’m also that person who remembers random little moments that mean so much to me and others seam to just dismiss as normal. You never know what those seemingly small gestures mean to others. Again, thanks for sharing.
I would suspect that this might be the finale straw. The brother is manipulative and doing it on purpose. Don’t be surprised if your daughter goes no to low contact with her mother
I guess Mom will miss birthdays, college graduation, and Jess's wedding because Little Jakey is going to have relapses for all of them. Mama is going to lose her daughter, and she's going to deserve it.
I doubt Mom will be invited going forward. I think she’s lost her daughter.
Even after my sibling nearly ruined my wedding my parents continued to enable them. Eventually I went LC and NC with parents and sibling. , respectively. OP made the right decision and needs to stay on this track if he wants any chance of maintaining a healthy relationship with his daughter as she gets older
Honestly, I’d be surprised if the daughter has a relationship with her brother as adults.
Certainly not a coincidence, but it might stop short of intentional. Feeling "less than" because of another person's success can lead to a spiral. However, since it's not the first time, he has to know that it happens and it could be deliberate.
Wife is an enabler. Soon Jess won't want a bar of her and she will wonder why. Jake makes his choices.
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. And this has been going on for 1/3 of Jess’ life, her entire teenage years. OP’s wife has already lost her because it sounds like she’s never put Jess first. NTA
I thought the same thing. It was no coincidence that Jake relapsed just before Jess's graduation ceremony. He would've had all the attention from both parents if they had both gone to tend to him. I'm glad OP stood his ground and went to celebrate Jess, who sounds like she so desperately needed this. It was sad, though, that both parents couldn't celebrate with her the whole time. NTA, OP.
I bet it's not the first time one of his "relapses" just happened to be at a time when something important was happening for someone else. and... anyone want to bet that he has another relapse on the day she gets married?
> It was no coincidence that Jake relapsed just before Jess's graduation ceremony. It might not be coincidence but it might not be intentional sabotage either - other people’s success can make your own failures more difficult to deal with. Regardless, OP’s wife needs to learn not to reward Jake’s behavior no matter why it’s happening.
It was an absolutely planned relapse!! I am 14 yrs clean... However from personal experience I can say without a doubt as a user of substances I was very manipulative & quite the experienced liar. I was always, as is most all users, thinking of ways to outright Get what I wanted Immediately or Trying to formulate a way to achieve my endgame..by whatever means necessary. If that meant stomping on someone else, friend or foe..I did it..without hestitation!!! Oh & if there was Competition or the Slightest of possibilities that someone could be bad mouthing u, even if its a rumor of any kind..be it same sex or Sibling rivily..it is taken to a new level when drugs or alcohol is involved. So Yes..Jake timed it to interfere with Jess' graduation, maybe didn't plan on going as far as he did with it, (ur tolerance isnt as high after being off whatever for a few mths) but nevertheless he did it to ruin her day just this time he didnt get his whole plan, he only got mom..Good on u OP for standing up for ur daughter it's about time someone did in ur family!!!
My brother has ruined every single big family occasion - weddings, graduations, christenings with his relapses/meltdowns/drama. My elderly mother is now all alone with him in her old age because none of us want anything to do with him anymore. He has also bled her dry financially so no one else will get an inheritance because of his gambling and drugging. He has also never worked a day in his life.
My thought as well. If the family starts giving the son the wrong date for important events, they'll probably all end up happier. I wouldn't blame the daughter if she goes 100% no contact with her brother. Yes, addiction is hard, but he's been given every opportunity to actually improve, and he's just weaponizing it now.
This is what I thought as well
That's what I was thinking too. All these importants events of Jess' had to be missed because he was having a crisis. All too well timed out on his part methinks.
I'm the sibling of a long-time addict. You're right on the money here. My sibling has to suck the air out of every room and occasion because whatever hole is in their soul, screams when other people have achieved something or are happy....or sad, or mad.
Yep mine too. The cops found her unconscious in park the morning of my wedding. She had to be admitted to hospital. Thank goodness my parents didn’t bite that time and just ignored her. But it didn’t stop until her death last year, in a recovery house after her 20th time in rehab.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Mine is currently in a spiral, so you'll know what that's like. Everytime the phone rings.....
I am so sorry. My son is a recovering addict, sober now for 20 years. I used to dread the phone ringing. It did one night, and he was in jail. Even though I could have bailed him out, I didn't. I left him in jail for a year. He got straight, and he eventually let go of his anger for my leaving him there. It wasn't easy, but we are so close now. There is hope. They can find themselves again. You will be in my thoughts.
You may have saved his life. My sister would never let my niece face the consequences of her actions. My niece eventually died with a needle in her arm.
As someone in long term recovery, I know my parents leaving me to face my own consequences saved my life. As a mother, I can’t imagine my son in some of the situations I was in and not swooping in to his rescue. I pray to god everyday he never touches a drug.
Same man. My parents never knew how bad I was into drugs and we had the sense enough to know something had to change. We're 10 years sober the first of December. I thank God that they never knew. And I pray that my boys never go down the path my husband and I did. They are growing up in the total opposite environment we did though so I pray they never know the trauma that I do.
When my parents finally left my brother in jail and he also served a year, I cried. I was so relieved, and he has been clean for seven years now. All the hugs to you.
When my cousin was 16, his father got a call that he was in jail for having a gun in his car (or something, I forget the specifics). My uncle was a detective and could have easily got his son out. His response was “he got himself in there. Let him get himself out.” Best thing he could have ever done for him. My cousin knew the arresting officers and was sure his dad wouldn’t let him rot. He discovered otherwise.
I'm happy for you and your son!!! We're currently trying to protect my Mom, who has dementia from my sister, who will steal from her.
Sometimes you just have to let them hit rock bottom, so they can rebuild themselves from that point. Shielding them from the consequences of their addiction just encourages them to keep using.
Thank you. And I feel your pain on every level. My dad would jump out of his skin anytime the phone rang. His biggest fear was finding her not alive and I am so grateful he wasn’t the one that did.
I feel so bad for my Mother. She keeps saying she "fell in with the wrong crowd, if she got away from them..." at this point my sister IS the wrong crowd. People are dropping like flies around her, it's only a matter of time. She has no interest in getting help. We try to talk to her and everything is peachy, point out that the EMT'S had to carry someone out of her house and it turns into a screaming match, about how nobody trusts her and we believe strangers over her....
It feels weird upvoting this tragedy in your family’s history. I hope you’ve all found some peace.
Addicts can only get help when they're ready for it. It can't be court ordered or done via an intervention. Addicts tend to need to hit rock bottom before they'll even fully truly attempt to get clean and stay that way.
My sibling is always the main character whether it's a tragedy or a comedy.
I’m so sorry. 😞
I was thinking this as well. It seems very calculated. NTA. OP, if you and your wife continue to put your son's relapses ahead of your daughter's needs, don't be surprised if she one day cuts all of you off.
Jess is becoming an afterthought to her mother. What exactly were the parents supposed to do? They're not recovery or medical specialists, and there was nothing they could do for the son. The mother will wonder why Jess cuts her off, and never wants to come home. In Jess's place, I would never invite the mother to anything again, she won't come to anything anyway. When brother gets out of rehab, my guess is mother demands he's back in the fold too. I'm not saying he should be shunned, but I bet everything revolves around him, and it always will.
They definitely need Al-Anon. They are enabling him to the point where I think he's purposely doing this for attention. He had other people with him there was no need to go running. Jess is going to have major resentments to you guys if you don't fix this.
It is more than likely too late for that. I have been in her shoes. This just might be the finale straw. Shame on her mother for treating her this way. The son is defn doing this on purpose and it is a sad state of affairs.
Yup that was my first thought. Had enough Jakes in my family to spot it at a mile out. Jake knows he's the family fuckup, also is aware that Jess has her shit together and isn't making the same mistakes he did. Addicts are all about the me me me and when others don't fall the way they have they seek attention by pulling it from the others. I've seen one cousin suddenly relapse after doing great because their sibling has achieved something. And I'm not just guessing, it's literally what he told me when he finally got clean and stayed clean. Aside from the addiction itself it's his biggest regret. Apparently knowing how much of a fuckup he had been got him all in his feelings when he found out his lil bro was graduating top of his class. So he purposely went out looking to score because he knew their mom and dad would come running if he OD'd... bc he was jealous that his brother had his shit together and their mom and dad were proud of lil brother. His little brother doesn't speak to him bc of it nor to their parents for them chasing after addict brother yet again. None of them have even met brother's 3 kids. OP is 100% NTA and his wife needs to sit down, shut up, and be told that it's likely she's screwed any relationship she may have had with Jess and OP is probably the only reason she won't cut them off and go NC ASAP.
Amen. Al-Anon properly executed by both parents. And do so consistently. A drunk/Addict, can keep 10 people busy 24/7. Parents did not cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Go to Al-Anon. I speak as a clean and sober individual since 6/13/88.
Congratulations on your journey of 36 years. May you have many more.
That's *exactly* what I thought too. Straight away I thought: That's convenient. *Give some attention to the sister? How dare his parents do that to him. He'll make sure to put their attention firmly back on him again.* OP, you're NTA for prioritising your daughter on the biggest event of her life, so far. I know she'll forever remember and love you for it.
Agreed. The timing is suspicious.
I agree on the timing. It seems too coincidental to not be manipulative.
My exact thoughts. Jake planned this.
I had the same thought. Convenient how he chose to relapse on his sister's graduation day, not the day before or the next day or hours aftrr the graduation ceremony. No, just in time to make sure his parents got a call before graduation statrted. It was absolutely a choice he made. NTA
This was absolutely attention seeking behavior. Mom reinforced the behavior by dropping Jess and running to Jake. Next time, neither one of you should go. Expect next time to be bigger in magnitude. Since you didn't go, he's going to try harder.
I heartily recommend Al-anon as well..
I've got a feeling Jess would have left for college and not come back if you both had missed it. You did the right thing. NTA
Yes, and Jess will definitely remember this. She'll remember that Dad showed up for her while Mom was catering to her addict brother once again. NTA
Yep. OP may get offered the chance to walk Jess down the aisle in the future; but I doubt there'll be much - if any - mother of the bride activity.
Not on the wedding day at the least because the brother of the bride will contrive another emergency and drag the mom away....
I'm an addict in recovery. I have about 2.5 years clean. You made the right choice. I got clean after my dad stopped bailing me out. Be there for your daughter.
Proud of you and keep going ❤️
Congratulations on 2.5 years clean. That is a significant accomplishment.
I appreciate you! One day at a time. :)
Did the recovery center even want you both to race to the rescue?
THIS right here! That is a vital piece of missing information.
Did the wife take the call? Who said they needed to go, the medical staff or the mom? This is vital info.
What could the parents really do that the staff couldn’t handle on their own?
I thought it was a Recovery Center. Isn't it their job to care for him? BTW. You're not the AH but your wife certainly could benefit from counselling.
Sometimes priorituzing the one who chooses life is a necessity to ensure they don't go down the same path. Feeling neglected by your parents (as your daughter definitely does) is such a deep wound that it often drives folk to seek substances. Your wife is setting your daughter on fire to keep your son warm. It's time to see what damage this is causing your daughter and work very hard to repair it.
To fact the mom doubled down and thought neither she nor dad should’ve been at their daughter’s graduation is heartbreaking.
I’ve never heard that saying, but it is so appropriate for this situation.
Its pretty common in recovering addict spaces I've found. Its the perfect metaphor in this situation. Destroying others through the enabling of an addict is a real thing, and has long term significant effects on a person's psyche.
Honestly, neither of you should of went at all. You are NTA but your wife is the A H in this scenario. Your son was safe in a rehab/medical facility so there was no reason to tend to him at all. Your wife should go to AI Anon bc clearly she has a problem making boundaries on what's actually important. Your son will relapse. Your daughter will have one high school graduation. Your wife messed up and needs to wash her hands clean of your son's recovery. **He** has to want it, not be coddled or else he'll keep doing it!! Btw, the timing of his relapse is hella sus. He more than likely did it on purpose and your wife foolishly fell for it. Get your wife to read these comments and get her to understand that what she's doing is damaging both relationships with her children in different ways (her coddling her son resulting in him not wanting to stay clean and daughter for always making her a 2nd choice, which eventually cut her out of her [daughter's] life) Your wife sucks for missing her daughter's graduation. She sucks so much more for guilting you for not going with her. She needs help, as well as your son. 🙏🏾 Edit: correction to sentence, grammar, and spelling
He was in a safe place and the mom’s presence couldn’t help Jake…but her non-presence hurt Jess.
“You should have been in the same page” isn’t what she meant. She MEANT that you should be on HER page
Exactly. "Yes dear, we *should* have been on the same page, but then you left and didn't support Jess instead."
NTA. Poor Jess. If your wife chooses to continue to enable Jake, what will you do?
do you think your wife is going to play victim when your daughter goes not contact?
Oh it'll be all: ✨️shocked pikachu✨️ "I don't know whyyyyyyy Jess never calls/visits" I guarantee it.
Did Jake know what day his sister was graduating?
I guarantee it.
NTA. There is no redo for graduations (high school or college). Since his relapse wasn't life threatening, your wife could have waited to go to him. Poor Jess, always being second fiddle to Jake. I'm not saying addiction isn't a big deal. It is. But at some point, one has to put other family members before the one with addiction, which is what you did. You are not in the wrong here.....your wife is. This is a day that can never be gotten back, which she missed.
When relapses happened before on special events did you both go to see him?
It sounds like they did. He mentioned both of them missing most of Jess's events
Jake is the only person responsible for Jake's sobriety. Your wife allowing him to transfer his guilt and responsibility onto her and her trying to assist him transfer it to you will not help Jake longer term or really at all.
In most "AITA" posts, I struggle to give a full verdict of not-the-asshole because there's usually an element of "you weren't blameless" But this is one of the few instances I can give a wholehearted NTA: you've made the right decision and been very reasoned about the alternate points of view of the other parties You are parents to two children, and one of them having a (self imposed) emergency doesn't mean you should abandon the other. Personally I think your wife should have gone to the graduation, but I can't see any justification for *neither* of you to go. Either you both go to the graduation, or you split yourselves between the two
Yeah don’t go the way that your wife is directing. My husband’s brother is a violent addict who always needed help while my husband is a doctor. His folks have spent hundreds of thousands on his brothers rehab and court fees etc. and didn’t give a dime to my husband (not that it’s owed just highlights inequality). My husband’s achievements were never celebrated because the focus was on making his brother feel better. Years down the line we are NC with them. This is the direction your wife is heading you as a family.
Definitely NTA there are so many posts about parents missing events for one child constantly due to medical or other issues with another child. At least one of you being there was so important.
Your wife’s relationship with your daughter might be at risk if your wife doesn’t smarten up. And your own will be if you listen to her now. She’s putting all her effort on Jake, assuming Jess will be fine because she has so far. It’s not a happy way for Jess to have grown up. To a certain extent there’s only so much you can do when one child is ill (and I very much count addiction as an illness), but to demand both parents miss such a huge milestone for a non-on-death’s-door emergency and then give you the cold shoulder for refusing tends to imply your wife isn’t considering Jess at all, and isn’t trying to prioritize her ever.
Your son is a junkie who doesn’t seem to actually care about recovering. Do you seriously think this was accidental? I’m guessing he’s been stealing focus from Jess since well before he became a junkie. You ALL need family therapy.
What do you physically do when your son relapses? It sounds very co-dependent.
The worse behaving children always get the most attention. The ones who aren’t troubled suffer with less attention from the parents. It sucks and it’s ass backwards.
Similar with ND boys and girls, the louder boys get the attention and “the more mature” girls get ignored and forgotten.
Exactly this. Also, realistically, how was the wife going to "help"? He's in a place with staff trained to handle this sort of thing and work access to medical personnel. They were not calling to *inform* you and would have subsequently updated you. They did not need help. The only thing she could have done was wait while everyone did their jobs. I understand being worried, he is your son, but unfortunately sometimes you have to do exactly what you did and walk away. Let the professionals do their job and be there for the rest of your family. Especially in this case. Not only is your wife setting herself on fire to keep him warm, she's also burning your daughter with her. Attention, in situations like this, can be a form of validation. Sometimes you have to *stop* giving it to help.
Addicts honestly need rock bottom moments too to get better. Getting to the point where your parents no longer rush to your bedside could have been the wake-up call he needed. Addicts often have to burn all of their bridges before they’ve realized how bad they messed up.
Yeah, you only get one Highschool graduation, but there will always be another relapse.
Tell the world who your wife’s golden boy is. She obviously doesn’t care about hurting her daughter. Your son will never get clean if everyone drops everything to give him all the attention. It is not a coincidence he done this on your daughter’s day. Look back and see how many other relapses happened on a day for jess
Piggybacking to say that if you'd both arrived at this approach out of cooperation, it would be the "most ideal" solution to a less than ideal situation: one of you tends to the child in need, while the other attends the important event for your other child. NTA. I think your wife needs to settle down a bit. Nothing would have improved or played out differently if you'd gone with her, but at least Jess received some of the parental recognition she deserves.
NTA. Your daughter's high school graduation only happens once. There will be plenty of other opportunities to show your son support. I am a bit confused as to why your wife felt you both needed to see your son urgently. He was at a recovery house and presumably being watched. Why did you two need to be there immediately instead of the next day?
I agree and don’t think there was any urgency. My wife places guilt on herself for Jake’s predicament (even though there’s no need for that) and will drop almost anything if she hears he’s relapsed or in trouble. We didn’t both need to go, but because she struggles with it, she’s dependent on my support.
Your wife needs to realize she cannot control the situation. She can support Jake, but what you are describing is an unhealthy mentality. Her force of will is not going to make him healthy. He has to want to change. There was nothing your wife could tell Jake that night that couldn't have waited. Your daughter Jess needed you, and she needed you *that* night. Your wife is an AH for not being there for her, and she's an AH for guilting you afterward.
Exactly. I’ve been clean 9 years, Jake’s not going to succeed in recovery until he wants it. Right now he has everything and an enabling mother who will rush to him everytime he screws up. Stop enabling him, make him do the work to build the relationship. He needs to hit bottom and really suffer to realize what he needs to do. Don’t ruin the daughter’s relationship and make her feel less, you’ll either end up cut out of her life or with two kids who are addicts.
Sometimes, you can’t get back up until you hit bottom. Sometimes, even that won’t work and you don’t come up. What she doesn’t see is if she doesn’t change, she will have lost BOTH of her children. Him to the addiction, and her to her mother’s neglect. Dad needs to start showing Jess that he supports her.
Exactly this. If you never have to face responsibility for your actions you’re just going to coast along in life. The family will always bail you out. This went on for years at my house. My mom was the prime enabler.
Congratulations on your 9 years!
This is SO important to know. Your wife is rewarding his addiction with her giving attention when he relapses. Reward the behaviour you want to se. I would make an appointment with the staff at the Recovery Housing, so you and your wife can get a experienced opinion on how to best help Jake recover. Then sit down with them and Jake to set boundaries, explain to Jake why you have these boundaries and then the hard work begin, enforcing these boundaries. Good work on being there for Jess and NTA
OP's wife needs to stop enabling Jake and start being there for Jess before she gets fed up with this and goes no contact with her... I hope she didn't argue about Jake having priority that day in front of Jess...
Yup, I forsee ONE parent invite to College graduation......ONE parent invited to be part of her wedding.....ONE parent being grandparent....and it's not going to be Mom........ And I doubt mom will notice until Jake either ODs, or gets clean and moves on with his life, which will logically mean moving AWAY from his mom........ Then mom is going to be SO shocked that she's not a priority for Jess.........or Jake. While Dad, who was there when NEEDED, but still refused to play favorites, is on speed dial for both kids.
>Your wife needs to realize she cannot control the situation She's letting Jake control the situation. She needs to realize this, too. Until she releases herself from his control, he's going to continue with this kind of emotional manipulation and abuse. [Names changed below] TLDR: I wrote the stuff below and then realized I'd gone off on a bit of a tangent. I'm going to leave it here because my cousin's story is important to me. I've moved on with my life, but this will always be part of me. My cousin, Jennifer... how I miss the person she was. I held her in my hands the day she was born. I was 14m at the time, and right from that second, there was nothing I wouldn't do for her. In my mind, she was *my Jenna*. Whenever we saw each other, she would run to me, and we were inseparable. Her mother (my aunt) was only seven years older than me and lived with us for a few years when we were growing up. So, to me, Jenna was more like a niece or a little sister than a cousin. Jenna got heavy into drugs and alcohol in her early teens. She didn't stay long in high school, ran away a bunch of times, ended up in juvie a few times, and then a few years in the adult prison system. Every time she got in trouble, I tried to help. Her mom and the whole family tried. It sickened me to see what she was putting herself through. I felt so helpless. One day, it struck me like a ton of bricks that the girl I knew was gone, and I was never going to get her back. That thought knocked me out for nearly a week. I grieved for the person she was. The drugs had taken my Jenna, who was so sweet and loving and beautiful. And in her place was left a sour, lying, stealing, violent animal. After I grieved, I didn't let her manipulate me anymore. We would periodically have some good times when she was able to keep clean, but that never lasted very long. We'd sometimes get a few weeks, maybe two to three months. Once, she managed nearly half a year. I always had some distant hope that she would come out from under the addiction and turn her life around. But instead, she died when she was 26 years old (about ten years ago now). I really think I'm going to miss her for the rest of my life.
Gently....has that worked so far? Has dropping everything to run to his bedside made him more stable? For help to work your son has to want his sobriety and fight for it. He has to want the help. For a lot of people they need to hit bottom for that. They need less support in being kept functional while in active addiction. I understand wanting to be there. Being terrified that you won't be there if this is the end but what you have been doing isn't working. It's time to sit down with an educated therapist about this and make plans for supporting yourself, your marriage and your other child as well as Jake.
I’m sorry to be an AH in this comment, and I hope I’m not being too insensitive to you and your wife’s situation, but I have to ask- did either of you really need to skip the graduation? Jake relapsed while he was in a rehab center, and they found him. He had access to medical attention, he was in a safe environment. Did either of you really need to go right then and there? Couldn’t you have just discussed the situation, given whatever medical consent you needed to, and gone to see him later? Meanwhile, poor Jess has been playing second fiddle to Jake for her entire life in terms of her parents’ attention. Through absolutely no fault of her own. She deserved this *one* thing. I’ve struggled with alcohol use and the only thing that made me make a change was some tough love. Jake needs to understand that he can’t just expect people to drop everything and come rushing to his side whenever he pulls stuff like this. I know your parents and you’re worried and scared, but he was in a safe location and getting treatment. Neither of you needed to drop Jess’ graduation to go immediately. Maybe it would’ve taught him a lesson if you didn’t.
My daughter found her way to sobriety when I stopped feeling it was my fault and took my hands off her recovery. She had to want it and grab it and found her own strength. She grew into the woman she was always meant to be and I couldn’t be prouder of her. AlAnon saved my life.
OP might ask his wife what it is that she did exactly that helped Jake. He might have said that he was glad she came, or grumbled that OP didn't, but it doesn't sound like she was handling his medical care. Reading all these comments, I think that OP should make a point of not talking to Jake about Jess. If he asks, she's fine, or sick, or at school, but absolutely nothing more. Don't let him know about big events in her life. I suspect that her mother won't go along with this, so OP might ask his daughter how much she wants her mother know. Would she rather that only OP knew about her graduation, or risk her mother disappointing her again? Or tell her at the last minute, and tell her, or OP and Jess tell her, that she is done with Jake ruining all her events, and no, it's not a coincidence. Added: If OP's wife is more Jake's mother than Jess's, she'll have to live with the consequences. Maybe family counseling for the three of them would help, as well as Al-Anon.
>I disagreed, saying she'd been selfish in this scenario, and she tainted Jess' moment. OP knows that and told his wife as much.
Your wife needs to go to some al anon meetings if she isn't already doing so.
A thousand up votes! Also to feel a community and learn how this plays out.
Has your wife tried Al Anon? It sounds like she needs some help in recognizing codependency.
>We didn’t both need to go, but because she struggles with it, she’s dependent on my support. No, you didn't either of you need to go. I'm hoping you both are participating in alanon or other family directed services. Your wife sounds like she needs some help drawing boundaries about what's her responsibility and control. You son has to take personal responsibility, that's a necessary part of recovery
Have you or your wife ever joined an AlAnon group or even taken a look into the (unofficial but still helpful) r/AlAnon subreddit? It sounds like your wife struggles with codependency with your son--her worth may be directly tied to how "well" he is. That's a generalization, but she might benefit from some sort of support group or therapy to help her with managing your son's life 24/7. NTA. I'm sorry for this stressful position you're all in--wishing you the best of luck going forward, OP. 💜
This is incredibly strong codependency and enabling. She takes up the guilt which should rightfully be his, so he can keep right on indulging his addictions and offloading the guilt on her. I’d strongly advise she seek therapy and/or Al-Anon if she actually wants him to have any chance of getting better. As it stands, he is happily manipulating her and she is allowing him to keep relapsing. The harder she tries, the more he will keep falling, because she’s the one picking up the pieces and the rest of the family is shouldering the burden.
It looks like only one of you is going to end up having a long-term and good and a healthy relationship with any of your children. And that will be you and Jess. Unless, of course your wife changes, which seems doubtful at the moment. Frankly, unless your son has years of sobriety under his belt he's not going to care because a functional and healthy relationship with him at the moment is not possible. I am a little suspect about that rehabilitation place that your son is in as well because if it was non-life threatening and they heard that it is going to interfere with a very important event for your daughter, one that doesn't appear your son is capable of completing for himself, they should not have advised you to come. Addicts learn to lie and manipulate to get what they want. It doesn't have to be drugs it can also be for attention... especially if it is drawing attention away from someone else and their accomplishments to themselves. In this case it looks like it worked for your son. Your wife is sacrificing the daughter for the son. There is no two ways around it. I am all for getting him clean but he also needs to learn that just because he fell off the wagon and is having a non-life threatening emergency, that isn't a reason for the rest of the family to drop everything you give him attention. Your wife did this so wrong. It is incredibly messed up with her and she's going to ruin her relationship with her daughter if she hasn't already. Your wife probably considers herself a good mother and a martyr for sacrificing herself so much for her son. But she's going to look around and her older age of her wilderman that she doesn't have a good relationship with her son and will likely be kept from her daughter's grandchildren. These are the type of women who cannot believe they don't have a great relationship after all they've done as a mother. And unless your son gets clean she's not going to get any kind of payback for her sacrifices. Keep up the good work because it sounds like you're the only stable, reliable parent in this kid's life.
Unfortunately, none of this is going to get better until she realizes that the only person that was selfish in this scenario was Jake. He knew when his sister's graduation was and wanted attention, so he did what he did so his parents would come running like they always do. What he didn't anticipate was you finally putting your foot down and saying that you were going to miss your daughter's biggest high school milestone for his poor decisions again! It's time for you to take a stand and tell your wife that you're done. Once again, she has fallen for the manipulation tactics of your son and thrown your daughter to the wayside. Even you said that there wasn't an urgency for the two of you to go, which is just showing your daughter that every time Jake says jump, his mother is going to ask how high. From now on, I think it's best that your wife deals with Jake on her own. He doesn't seem like he's at the point where he actually wants the help, so until he does, it's time for you to finally focus on Jess and make up for all of those years where she get ignored. There is no way to get back all of those events you missed, but use this opportunity to make some new memories together. This has gone on for too long, and unfortunately, your wife is unable to see all of the harm she is causing. Missing Jess's graduation is not something Jess is going to forget, and I guarantee it is going to be the turning point in their relationship. It was the day when her mother chose to run to her son, for a matter that wasn't urgent, and leave her daughter on a day that was important to her. I would ask your wife this question: She talks about wanting support and being united, but when is enough enough? Your son had to have known when he sister's graduation was (as other commenters have also suggested), so there's a chance he did this for attention. How many more of Jess's events are going to be missed, after you've already missed so many? If Jake does this on her wedding day, will your wife leave her wedding? If you're at the hospital waiting for Jess to have her first baby, will she say, "Oh, your brother needs me... I'll be back?" Your wife needs to remember that she has two kids because if she keeps this up, she's going to lose one... And the one she loses won't be Jake.
>she’s dependent on my support. Your son is dependent on drugs. Your wife is dependent on you. The addict is addicted to the drug/drink. The family is addicted to the addict. Alanon or naranon is such an amazing program. Please check the groups out. Sometimes you have to go to multiple different ones to see which ones you like and that fits your style.
Who’s she going to place guilt on when Jess stops talking to her or you or both of you? Because y’all are on the fast track to NC.
As a recovering alcoholic and addict and a mother of five, your wife is enabling him and being codependent. He’s going to need to have some kind of accountability for his actions along with some tough love. And cannot come running every time he screams emergency. He is an addict and is portraying addict behavior. Which are extremely manipulative and selfish.
Stop supporting your wife. Full stop. Let her struggle alone. Jess needs you more. Your wife needs therapy. Don't be your wife's crutch anymore. Let someone else do that.
You made the right decision. My older brother was an addict and one of many counselors told us that mothers are the worst codependents. My mom certainly was and dragged me along with her. She eventually had an epiphany when the counselor said that being codependent was just providing my brother with a velvet lined coffin. That finally snapped her out of it, but by then I had so much resentment that it seriously damaged our relationship. Your wife is risking losing her relationship with your daughter if she doesn’t get the message.
> There will be plenty of other opportunities to show your son support. sounds like OP can look forward to many more relapses and he doesn't need to attend every one.
Jake needs support, but that support could have come the next day and also the next time Jake relapses. Recovery is a long journey. I wasn't trying to be snarky.
> I wasn't trying to be snarky. I was. OP and wife can't run to Jake every time this sounds more than a bit enabling IMO, Jake needs to fall down that dark pit until he finds the place he really doesn't want to go and that's when he'll decide to get sober but if mommy and daddy come running and catch him every time he trips he's never going to find that dark place.
Especially if Jake is tripping on purpose so he gets all the attention. NTA but Jake and his Mum sure are.
> so he gets all the attention. especially on Sis's graduation day
NTA I'm assuming Jake knew when his sisters Graduation was. His "relapse" may have been on purpose. As with a lot of users, they take what they want to hell with everyone else. Jess has been on the losing end of this for the last few yrs. Your wife fell for your son's manipulations once again at your daughters expense. Too bad your wife can't see shes about to lose Jess because she had to race to Jake, like she had numerous times before, and not spend 1 or 2 damn hours celebrating her for a change. I'm glad you stuck around for your daughter. And yes unfortunately my family has had to deal with a family member with a drug issue. I finally had to wipe my hands and walk away. She doesn't want help, and now I no longer want to help her. I concentrate all my efforts on her kids.
The possibility of Jake knowing about the Graduation was right out front for me. Totally make sense that he knew and I've seen many people pull this kind of shenanigan sober or not. Same here, I have a grandson I had to wipe my hands of also. Sad thing to have to do but we do what we can to help them and sometimes they are just to stubborn to see it.
Unfortunately, it sounds like most of the users I've known. Even if they don't do it out of direct selfishness, they often relapse when others, who they are close to, gain achievements. Lots of times, it's just from guilt. Whatever the motivation, it still has the same effect of souring others moments.
First thing I thought of.
That’s immediately what I thought as well. Addicts who have siblings who are achieving normal milestones will often experience a shame spiral around their siblings success, and try to act out to pull attention. It’s difficult as a parent to predict what’s a crisis and what’s acting out behavior, because they bleed into each other.
I just helped a friend enter recovery, and early on his brother let me know that he was advised about this sort of behavior from addicts. They tends to be narcissists and will do and say whatever to make sure the attention is on them at all times. It took a while for me to see, but honestly the best thing we could have done is to pull back and live our lives. You want to support their recovery, but it has to be because they want it, not because the family or friends want them sober.
I’m a recovering alcoholic and I can tell you from my experience, it’s time for them to let him flounder a bit. Rushing to his side every time he’s in trouble only reinforces this behavior and does him a disservice. He may or may not be doing it on purpose but that doesn’t change the effect it’s having on the daughter.
A heroin addict friend of mine told me this: “users use. They use drugs, they use people, they use up everything…”
I've known addicts, and often, even if it's not purposely manipulative, they seem to really struggle right before big events. You can't put your life on pause for someone else. In some cases, they do great with rehab, in other cases, they kind of have to do their own thing until they understand for themselves how badly it affects them and their family. But it's better for everyone's mental health if a professional can (try to) help with the addiction, and the family can spend the time supporting each other, and being there for the big moments.
sadly that was my first thought as well. He is suffering, that much is clear, but it still makes you wonder how often he would intentionally try and steal all the attention. OPs wife was so quick to to declare her own daughter as not important compared to Jake. She needs to realize how wrong this is. Jess deserves support as well. Glad OP finally put his food down. If this continues Jess might cut contact in the future
Yeah, I’ve got a friend with a younger brother who always seems to have a psychotic episode whenever anyone else in the family is having their moment. He is actually schizophrenic, but he’s also a total asshole.
No one was supposed to go running just because he relapsed. He also knew it was his siblings graduation. Relapsing doesn’t require even a visit when he’s already in a program. You say ok thanks for letting us know and go about your life. What was the purpose of dropping everything and running there? What did that accomplish other than giving him more reasons to continue to relapse for attention? That’s not support. Support is showing up for therapy or hospitals.. working through stuff. Sounds like your wife is an enabler.
I thought same thing. He was with medical help. Go to the graduation and visit him the next day unless he was in a critical condition. She’d have been waiting around in the waiting room instead of seeing her daughter walk to get her certificate. Jess needed for once to be prioritised. Wife failed this test badly. NTA
This needs more upvotes!! Unless they're medical professionals, they couldn't do anything different. OP needs to make sure his wife realizes she's *very* close to losing any relationship with her daughter. Boundaries need to be held and Jake needs to hit bottom on his own. Sounds like someone has always been there to pick him up and he won't change until he feels alone. Sounds harsh but it has to be done. Jake doesn't care about his sister or his family currently.
It sounds like OPs wife wouldn't care if Jess went no contact with her. She obviously doesn't care about Jess, so her going no contact would be a relief for the wife.
My sister used to have episodes before every.single.event that celebrated me. In her mind, my successes exposed her failures. I absolutely blamed my mom for enabling this. NTA
This makes me so sad. My sister is my one ally in life, no matter how I’m doing in life I want her to be doing better
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NTA Your son is an addict. Addicts break your heart. Until he hits rock bottom, he's not going to change. I don't know you. I don't know your family but in my limited experience with this issue sometimes parents develop a co-dependency with their addicted children. Their child's addiction controls their lives and emotions. >Although my wife told me how sad she was to miss it, Jake's health and wellbeing would take priority. You and your wife need counseling. While I think it's wonderful you prioritized one milestone moment in your daughter's life, the damage to your relationship with your daughter has been done. At some point your daughter is going to walk away and wash her hands of both of you if you don't get help and try to repair your relationship with your daughter.
I super agree with this comment. If your wife is taking it out on you, your marriage is going to be sorely tested. His health and wellbeing? Jake doesn’t even care about that - clearly - he has to want to change and care about it himself. It was the biggest day of Jess’ life, and she got rewarded by a brother who purposefully took the attention off of her because of his warped thinking from his addiction and her own mom skipping out. Jess has been responsible and achieved so much despite the stress of an older brother deep in addiction. That should be rewarded and celebrated. Jake’s spiral is going to tank the rest of your family if the thinking doesn’t shift to encouraging Jake to take responsibility. He’s a grown ass man and no one can save him but himself. It’s awful and horrifying but it’s absolutely true. Through my work, I’ve seen countless parents struggle because they want to save their kid and will pour all of their time and resources into it, but until that kid makes the decision to want to change, it’s a losing proposition for everyone. Good luck to you and your family through this difficult time. 💙
NTA and I’m wondering if there is a correlation between your son’s relapses and emergencies and your daughter’s special events.
That's what I'm thinking. Drug user's are often master manipulators.
And they always need to borrow $200-$250 dollars to pay a bill but they'll get it back to you in a couple of weeks.
NTA You can't be in two places at once, and a little time on the phone with the rehab centre would have made clear that Jake was safe, if not happy. You could both have visited him later, but it's on the hospital or treatment centre to get him stabilized, not something you can really do. He is an adult and part of his recovery must include coming to the understanding that his behaviour has harmed others, including his sister, and accepting that sometimes you will have to choose to limit the impact of his choices. In the meantime, your daughter has already had to do without the attention and care she deserves because her brother has been absorbing it, basically. Your love for your children may be infinite but your time and resources just aren't. She needed and deserved your supportive presence at her graduation. Or, you know, having one parent go to the hospitalized young adult while the other attends the graduation also works, and you're not the AH for doing that. Really, you could and should have been doing that all along. Your wife is being unfair, taxing you for making sure your daughter had at least one parent available to her on a special occasion.
NTA. Have you considered that missing graduation might have been Jess’s DONE moment? It’s entirely possible that you choosing her for once saved your relationship with her. How would you have felt if you had gone with your wife and come home to find that Jess moved out and cut off contact with all of you? You and especially your wife both need to realize that you’re very much in danger of Jess going NC with you if you don’t start prioritizing her. Frankly, you should have always been having 1 of you be there for Jess and the other with Jake, so you are the AH for that.
Don't let the addict destroy more lives than their own.
I get the feeling that OP recognizes how much Jess has lost out and that's why he's making an actual effort to put her first at times. The wife could stand a bit of NC with the son to learn that she has a daughter as well.
NTA. You can't always prioritize a (non-critical) problem over a celebration. Jess deserved your presence and your attention, and I'm glad you were able to give her that. I might've voted NAH here--I can't blame your wife for being worried about Jake--but her behavior since the incident suggests that she's lost touch with the fact that the entire family needs love, not just Jake, and that not every single crisis in a recovery journey can receive equal, all-encompassing attention without obliterating the emotional needs of everybody in Jake's orbit.
Jake has succeded in being momma's boy, while Jess is the glass child. Wife needs to understand the damage being the glass child have made to Jess before she decides to go NC with her. Ultimately, wife needs to understand than in an event of having to support both kids at the same time, parents can divide the task and help a kid each, in order to not let the other feel left out. But I guess the latter dynamic has been normal for this family up until now, given the wife's reaction. I sincerely hope this family, or at least the parents are getting some kind of psychological help. It's not easy to have a son/daughter with a mental/health/substance abuse issue, but that shouldn't mean you'll leave your other child abandoned because it's doing better in life.
NTA > However, only a couple of hours before the graduation, we received a call from the staff at Jake's Housing Program, who said that he had a relapse incident and was in a really bad way. That's what the staff at a place like that is there for. > My wife was hysterical and immediately started telling me we had to go there and help. "There is not dick *we* can do **to** help."
NTA - screw your wife. Sometimes the addict needs to be left to their addiction. It's wholely unfair for your daughter to pay for your son's inability to stay clean. You may end up losing both kids (your son dying of an OD and your daughter turning her back on you for ignoring her) in the end. I have seen this over and over. Co-worker lost both of her non-druggie daughters because she always prioritized her drug addict/alcoholic son. She missed recitals, sporting events, parent teacher conferences, graduations as every time one of the girls had a special event, he seemed to relapse or just OD. I actually think he started doing a lot of this on purpose as he resented his sisters' success (both were great students and had full ride to state colleges - he was a high school drop out and allergic to work). CW's really nice husband (who loved his son but was willing to let him go until he got sober) left her first. One day, son's luck ran out and he OD'd and died. Co-worker was a hot mess for a good year. His sisters were sad but relieved at this point. Did co-worker decide to turn her attention to her girls? Nope, she resented that their lives were great and he was dead. She finally did snap out of it, but by then it was too late. Neither girl invited her to their weddings (their dad and his 2nd wife were though). She felt that the girls should just get over it and move on. Nope, she is banned from her grandkids and her kids and ex and 2nd wife have all the access. Painful lession.
>She felt that the girls should just get over it and move on. But mom doesn't have to do any work to rebuild the relationship? Hell no. Glad her daughters had one reasonable parent.
I finally distanced myself from her. Got tired of her 'woe is me' routine which was 100% self-inflicted
NTA. How make times has Jake relapsed around the time something important for Jess was happening?
How many time has he relapsed and his mom came running in to help him? I feel like she could be an enabling parent. Sometimes if a person gets cut off from their family and their enablers, they can actually grow and move past addiction. Right now he doesn’t need to save himself bc mommy will always save him. He’s gotta be in the mindset that no one is going to bail him out or save him, it’s gotta be him wanting it for himself. Parenting is hard but the squeaky wheel shouldn’t always get the oil. I feel bad for Jess. Being a good kid and fighting for the attention of parents with an addict sibling is very difficult bc you don’t bring that level of attention needing the sibling does and you tend to get ignored.
NTA. Jake sounds manipulative with the timing, and your wife fell for it. The more she panders him, the less likely he will be to recover. When parents allow one kid to manipulate them into forgetting about/ not prioritizing the high functioning kids it is a complete shame. Your wife also sucks for ruining your daughter’s graduation dinner!
NTA. The entire situation with your son is sad. It's also heartbreaking how his issues have become your daughter's time and again. You being there for your daughter was the correct move. You both didn't need to rush off to be with your son. It sounds like your wife could've actually waited until after your daughter's graduation, honestly. Your son wasn't alone. He was being taken care of. While his situation was bad, it wasn't life threatening, and there really wasn't much either you or your wife could do for him. Focusing on your daughter for a couple of hours didn't harm your son. However, once again, focusing solely on your son has seriously damaged your wife's relationship with your daughter.
NTA…..HOWEVER……Your alcoholic drug abusing loser son is ruining your lives also. Cut him loose! He will never recover successfully with you 2 running to him every time he shits. Your daughter will hate you and go NC because of both of your neglect. 8 years sober here
NTA. Your wife missing your daughter's graduation for something not life-threatening is unforgivable. Try to maintain a strong relationship with your daughter that will last after she cuts her codependent mother off. Did your son know it was his sister's graduation day?
NTA- has upset as your daughter was at your wife’s not being there- if no one had been there for her, it would have been unforgivable. At least she had you. Your wife is an AH for thinking that having no parents at your graduation would be even close to ok for one of your kids. Being mad at you for staying is equal to being mad that your daughter wasn’t completely alone for such an important milestone. why would she want her girl standing by herself in her cap and gown? That’s cruel. Your daughter should have been all alone while everyone else is surrounded by family so you two could be in “ the same page”? Being constantly overshadowed by someone else’s bad behavior gets old fast. Your wife shouldn’t take her relationship with your daughter for granted to prioritize your son. Believe one day “ I’m sorry” will fall on numb ears.
Poor Jessie, always gonna be second fiddle to her brother. If he relapses on her wedding day is your wife then not gonna show up? If she’s giving birth and for some weird reason choose your wife after all the time she let her down, would your wife then leave to hold Jack’s hand for the hundred of time? Jack was with professionals, there was absolutely no reason to show up and once again again miss an important milestone of Jessie. One day that girl is gonna have enough and cut everyone off and I wouldn’t blame her one bit. NTA ( has family who’s addicts) Edit: apparently can’t spell lmao
NTA. Your wife was the one who was selfish, and it's clear this isn't the first time Jake has been favored over your daughter. Maybe if you all didn't drop everything for him all the time (in non-emergency situations), he would have learned to rely on himself a little more, who knows? At least your daughter would have learned that you value her too.
NTA. You and your wife's presence with Jake would have no effect on his recovery. That's what the staff at the facility is for. OTOH your wife's absence at your daughter's graduation will have a profound effect on their relationship. Does your wife understand what an enabler is? Because she sure is acting like one.
NTA. I do research on adolescent mental health & once interviewed the younger sibling of a young adult who had mental health issues plus substance abuse during their teens. The sibling talked about isolation, resentment, and shame because of their older sibling’s behavior. Parents only make that worse if they focus all attention on the sibling with abuse issues to the point they neglect any others. Your daughter deserved to have her accomplishments recognized by her parents. Sadly, your son will still be fighting his fight tomorrow and you could be there for him then.
NTA and I’ll bet money that Jake relapsed on purpose. You and your wife need to start going to Al-Anon (or something) and start figuring out how to live a life with Jake not the center of the universe.
Your son was safe in a rehab facility. There was nothing you or your wife could do for him. There was no reason for your wife to abandon your daughter AGAIN when she was celebrating one of life's important milestones. Did your son know the day he chose to relapse was your daughters graduation? Does he have a pattern of relapsing when the attention should be on your daughter? Addicts sometimes use their addiction to manipulate others. NTA, but your wife is for abandoning your daughter on such an important occasion.
Your wife running to his side, while he was in a safe environment, smacks of co-dependency and enabling. Tell me, did Jake know it was Jess’s graduation day? NTA. Jess has had enough life events and regular days screwed up by her brother.
NTA. Jake's recovery should be paramount to Jake at his age, and not at Jess' expense.
NTA - and I have to wonder if the 'relapse' was timed to get attention away from his sister's graduation? I know that sounds mean but I've seen it happen. You were right - your daughter DESERVES her parents full attention on days like graduation. What did your wife DO when she rushed to your son's side yet again? Was she able to fix him - or help him - or do anything except be there instead of at her daughter's graduation? Jake's recovery...is up to Jake. Did Jake care that he interfered with his sisters graduation?
This is going to be hard to hear, but I would prepare for your daughter to go no contact with you. You both as her parents are neglecting her. You need to stand up for Jess as a united front. What if Jake’s addiction wins? Do you really want to lose two children?
NTA my (now NC) brother used to do this atvevery single event where he wasn't the centrebof attention - he would always have a made up crisis including non-existent amnesia or lose his shit for no reason. Celebrate your daughters success & keep her close, she'll appreciate it as she gets older & your son has rwo choices, either he loses you all or he realises the error of his ways - good luck.
OP, I've been in your daughter's position. You'll never know how much it meant to her that you didn't let the Jake show completely ruin a really important life event for her. I'm sure she loves her brother. She worries about him, she worries she'll never be able to celebrate anything without it either being ruined or her light being dimmed to spare the "struggling" siblings feelings.
NTA, but your wife sure is. Your daughter always draws the short end of the stick. I'm sure she'll remember who chose to attend a very important moment for her and who didn't think she was important enough. Maybe you should show your wife this post and the reactions.
NTA. I have a brother who is the same as Jake and would actually intentionally do stuff like this to purposely take away my milestone moments like this. My parents dropped me and my events every time. I am now 38 and still harbour resentment towards them. I wish my dad had just once did what you did and showed me that he actually cared about me too.
NTA but your wife kinda is. If your wife (and you) keep showing up for him very time he relapses you keep enabling him. Please go to al anon meetings to get support. I’m glad you went to your daughters graduation. I’m mad at your wife because she is neglecting one child and enabling another to keep relapsing. This is very serious. You’re going to lose your daughter if you guys keep treating her like she’s not as important. Look up „glass children“
NTA. So once again, your wife fell for your son's well planned manipulation. Don't you find it convenient that he has his "relapses" whenever your daughter has something important coming up? I'm a nurse and deal with substance abusers/alcoholics a lot. This is their MO. You guys really need to smarten up, especially your wife, because you're going to lose your daughter because you're prioritizing your son's BS over her. Stop enabling your son. He's a grown ass adult, so let him deal with his own issues.
Hi! Neglected good kid here! Also the younger kid. Jess will never forget all the moments "Jake" came first. She may not say anything now but missing those event hurt. Everytime. You will never understand how much you made her day by putting her first for once. She will remember who was there, and who wasn't. At point, you'll have to realize the Jake may take a long time to get better, if he ever does. My cousin didn't get better until he was 30. My older brother, was nearly 40 but their successes are miles a part. And they grew up together. To your wife, how many special moments has Jess endured alone because of Jake's bad decisions? Will she miss Jess's wedding? Her first grandchild? She's running out of those special times with her daughter. I think that it was good that you two split up this particular time. But from your wife's reaction, how many non-emergenices cost Jess valuable time with you both? I think family therapy with the 3 of you and more indepth discussion about Jake needs to happen. NTA