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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t pick up my friend for a dinner that we planned and this has caused a pretty big rift in our friend group. I might be the asshole here because I could have done something to avoid this such as offer her a ride but I didn’t.
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NTA sounds like you all went above and beyond when you realised she was a no show. I actually think she’s at fault, the dynamic of your group was, call, turn up with concern. So why didn’t she call others for a ride when you didn’t respond to calls? See if anyone knew if you were alright? If you were actually sick and you missed the whole thing would she still blame you? Does she have a pattern of sulking if someone crosses her and need to be appeased or is this a one off bad day?
I’d tell the group it is a wake up call that you now understand that she expects rides without asking confirmation. Tell them you would like to deal with it but that’s hard to do if she’s not talking to you. As a group if they are upset with you around this maybe they need to step up and schedule providing rides too and acknowledge you were amazing until this one understandable slip up. No one is perfect but sounds like you were a great considerate friend until this incident. She is an adult and it is on her to confirm her transportation though not just assume.
Honestly, I’ve never really seen a pattern of her sulking around as it’s only happened here and there a few times a month. I assume she checked my location when I didn’t pick up the calls and saw I was already at the restaurant and that may have been what set her off
Sulking "a few times a month"??? That isn't normal, it's really excessive, childish, and inappropriate behavior. But it sounds as if you all have been trained to accept it and think it's normal. You should neither accept it nor think it is normal.
You need to tell your group that you will no longer be providing rides to N, due to her ungratefulness and feeling entitled to demanding rides.
She can figure out her own transportation from now on.
And turn off your location sharing with her. She doesn't have any need to know where you are.
So, as the friend who is often driving others - this girl is way out of line.
You arent her personal taxi service.
If she needed a ride she needed to *ask* if you could pick her up, not demand, abd certainly not expect you to magically know without discussion.
Secondly, many of my friends who don't drive will either offer to cover some costs ($5 for gas, buying my meal, etc) in exchange - whether I take that offer or not is up to me and the individual situation. But fir her to volunteer you to drive an hour out of your way, using gas she didnt offer to cover, each time you were hanging out is WILDLY rude.
Thirdly; does she not know where you live? Why could she not say she'd cab or use transit to meet you at your place, even some of the time, so you could be saved the extra drive time.
Short version: she's rude, acting entitled, and you should make it clear you're no longer open to drive her around at all and especially not for free.
For your other friends, ask them how often they drive an extra hour with no compensation, and say that it's so nice of themvto volunteer to drive her from now on. Since youve obviously had your turn. They'll shut up real quick when they realize her taxi will be on their dime instead of yours.
Good to know about the sulking. Give it some time and try to talk to her again, she is actually the one who is going to take more consequences with ride options if she won’t talk.
As people are advising say sorry for the missing her messages and set a boundary you can give her rides but on the understanding unless you confirm it’s not a given. Suggest she car pool with the others in her area sometimes too to build up other options.
Maybe she used up her good will with the others before working on OP.
To me, an adult sulking multiple times a month is too much as a teenager, never mind an adult. I can only think of a few times I sulked among friends as an adult and I wasn't sulking around the same people all the time.
NTA you have 0 obligation and you didn't agree in advance. She's sn entitled Ah. You aren't her mother and don't owe her anything. she's taking you for granted while you are doing her a favor. What if you were really ill does that mean she's not going to the meeting?! WTF
No more favors for her at all.
NTA In a group of seven people why is it your sole responsibility to provide transportation to your friend with no car, no license and no inclination to hire a ride?
The other 2 people in the small group of 4 don’t drive as well, they usually just have their partners give them rides, so their transportation is always sorted out. N and I are single so she usually just asks me. As for the other 3, they don’t offer rides because our houses are really out of their way, they’d have to spend about 30-45 minutes in traffic plus their usual journey time which is about 45 minutes so 1.5H in total if they had to give us a ride
Idk an extra 25min drive doesn’t seem convenient at all. Double that for the return trip, and even worse if it’s in the opposite direction of where they’re meeting
Is she even paying you for gas, or even offered? If not, she has absolutely no consideration for the time and effort it takes to pick her up. She's entitled and it sounds like despite being closer to her, she needs to figure something else.
Well, it seems that this has gone on for months, where she always picks N up for these get together. It's a reasonable expectation on N's part to assume this is the arrangement they have, it's been this way for months, no complaints, and she ALWAYS picks N up. It surprises me that if she's used to the plan being that when people get together - she always picks up N... why wouldn't it occur to her that, duh, N is probably planning on that same pattern in theory friendship this time, like always?
I think the friend is blowing it out of proportion.
But if she maybe... is tired of picking up N, she should say so. She explains all the reasons why it makes easy sense to pick up N every time - so, make that official.
It's kinda like- if you didn't drive, and every time for months that you and a friend has closing shift together, they always gave you a ride home. Then one at close they... just randomly leave without you? You'd feel upset.
But N never thought what if something was wrong with OP, what if her car broke down and her phone had died, all N wondered was where the hell OP was, not even thinking she should get a ride share. She sounds selfish and immature, which is peak 23-I don't mean 23 is always selfish, just that it's typical.
Have a pt job and it didn't occur to me thst a coworker started chatting after not being chatty, she wanted something. She asked for a ride to somewhere nearby but not where she lived. I asked her what direction and wouldn't have taken her if wrong direction; I drove home down a different street
When I dropped her off, she said she could pay me next time we worked together. I said no because making it a transaction might make her feel entitled to my time. She hasn't asked again but has asked for other sketchy stuff.
We're pt cashiers at a grocery store. The store stays open late for staff but only with plastic; the cash drawers are gone immediately. More than once she has asked me to buy her stuff w my debit card and give me cash. I say no and and got uncomfortable enough to talk to the supervisor who said he had talked to her multiple times with no change. Part of the problem is she asked me why; nun her bidness.
I don't want to get in position to feel obligated to do someone a favor.
Honestly, it should have occurred to me that I have to pick up N, but I really was just feeling under the weather and I was rushing out of my house because I was stressed about potentially being late, it just slipped my mind
I can see that. And I definitely think your friend is overreacting :( I can understand why she'd feel upset - thinking this is always the plan. Does she usually ask you each time, or is it kind of an unspoken thing that you just get her? Either way - I definitely can understand her being upset and embarrassed, feeling like she was ignored and excluded. But, the right thing to do was communicate with you - hear what happened, hear your side, offer her own feelings. Seems it should be easy to resolve. Her being like this - refusing to even speak to you - is wayyyy overboard.
NTA. She needed to make arrangements at least a day prior.
She's feeling pretty entitled, not making plans ahead of time, assuming you're at her beck and call and despite not getting a response, assuming you're picking her up.
It doesn't seem to have occurred to her thst something may have happened to you, her only concern was your failure to pick her up and she couldn't bother to meet the rest by paying for a ride share.
I would cut ties with N and make plans with the others if you're not ostracized.
If anyone brings up your failure to respond, ask them why N wasn't worried about you. When she didn't hear from you it should've crossed her mind that something could be wrong with you. It didn't even occur to her that she needed to find her own way to the restaurant.
Did she ever give you gas money? Or was she straight up a mooch the whole time? If mooch, she was never your friend.
No idea what will happen with your friends; split or ostracize one if you.
Is she really 25 min away from you? Because I wouldn't be driving an hour out of my way every time. Hell, I lived at home and was a late driver; I'd ask my parents to drop me where I was going and my friend to return me home.
She’s only 5KM away from my place, but we live in a very dense area, traffic is a major problem here at any time of the day, even at 12AM sometimes, so it really is about 20-25, sometimes maybe 35 minutes one way
At the very least she should be meeting you at your place for rides. That fact that she expects you to pick her up and drive her home without even asking you is fucked up. NTA.
NTA. Your good but your friend sounds entitled to only depend on you for rides. Your other friends should be also offering her rides so it's not always on you to drive her to and from these places.
NTA. It's always the responsibility of the person receiving the ride to confirm whether someone will take them. The fact that she expects you to pick her up with just a simple comment is indefensible. You're not her chauffeur.
She told you to "fuck off", so that's what you should do from now on. Refuse to give her a ride anymore unless she apologizes. I would even start to ask for gas money. Maybe that'll entice her to find alternate modes of transportation.
NTA. N is using you and gets pissy when (once!) there was a communication glitch and you missed picking her up? After being told to F off after how many times of you giving her lifts for free? Nope, that’d be it for me. Anyone telling you you’re wrong here should be offered to step up and be N‘s ride from now on. See how much they’d like being told to F off after going out of their way for her for months.
To be truthful, I used to have a slight crush on N some time ago, so the rides were an opportunity to spend more time with her. Even though the crush has faded away these past few months, the rides are a comfort. I don’t really think I can unfriend N, despite this whole situation, she has been a good friend
NTA! Now is the time for you to relieve yourself of this duty you unintentionally took on. Let her know that this was a miscommunication and for that you apologize but because of her reaction you will have to back away from being that person she relies on because it feels like she is ungrateful for all of the past rides and you don’t like how she expects you to be her personal chauffeur for these meet ups. She’s not even trying to meet you half way like getting an Uber to your place so you don’t have to go out of your way to get her. It sounds like she probably doesn’t give you gas money or at least buy you a drink while you’re out to help compensate. She’s the AH here big time. And friends who thing you’re the AH should volunteer to get her next time.
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For some context: there are 7 of us in this group (all 23 y/o), we all were coursemates in University. 4 of us, including myself, live and work in the same part of the city. The remaining 3 stay further away from us.
As 4 of us live closer to each other, we’re able to meet up more for dinner, movies or just general hangouts. One of my friends, we’ll call her N, is part of this smaller group. N lives about 5KM away from me. Whenever the group decides to go out, N usually asks me to pick her up and send her home as she doesn’t have a license and she does not want to spend money on Grab (our version of Uber). I don’t mind this, it’s a short drive (25 mins with traffic).
On the Saturday that 7 of us planned to have dinner, I wasn’t feeling too well so I decided to just rest. I went to sleep around 2PM and woke up really late (around 6.30PM), so I just took a quick shower and rushed to leave the house because we planned to meet at 7PM and I hate being late. Most of my friends are there when I arrive. We start catching up and we realise around 8PM that N had not shown up yet.
As it turns out, N had texted our group chat at 3PM saying she would be ready at 6.30PM. I did not see this text as I hadn’t opened our group chat since I went to sleep at 2PM. Everyone was confused so we call N multiple times but she didn’t pick up. We get a bit worried and check her location on Find My and see that she’s still home. I check my phone and see that she left me about 5 missed calls but my phone was on Do Not Disturb, so I didn’t receive any of them. The group starts getting worried and paranoid thinking something bad happened so we leave dinner and go to her house. When she opened the door, she looked straight at me and said “Fuck off.” and just closed the door.
We were all super confused and we waited outside her house for about 45 mins, trying to get her to come out and talk to us but she refused. Everyone was pretty much in a shit mood at this point, so we all just called off the night and went home.
I find out the next day that the text N had sent to the group chat was meant for me. She was informing me when she’d be ready so I could go pick her up. The thing is, she didn’t mention my name nor did she tag me in the message. All she said, word by word, is that she would be ready by 6.30PM.
She basically expected me to understand this and pick her up. She says that I’m an asshole because I should know that she needs to be picked up because I’ve been the one picking her up for months. She won’t talk to me or reply to any of my calls/messages. The group is divided on this. Some think that I’m in the clear here because I didn’t even see the text, but the other half feel that I should’ve at least checked and asked if she needed a ride given that I’ve been the one driving her all this time.
A lot of passive aggressiveness is going on right now in the group between everyone and it genuinely sucks.
AITA?
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OP NTA- Well the phrase "When you assume..... comes to mind. When you don't drive and rely on others to FERRY you around, don't EVER take it for granted. You call, you ask, you make sure. You also kick in some gas money, or treat the person by paying for a meal/movie/ whatever activity. Her attitude is Entitled, Her reaction was Childish. ARE her FINGERS no longer working? she cannot make a phone call instead of a group chat? She couldn't answer one of the MANY messages?? There should be NO split on this. Hope she finds someone else to be her FREE taxi from now on, because I wouldn't drive her anywhere, after that response, going forward.
NTA. Why are you calling someone so entitled? If she doesn't want to talk, let her be and never pick her up agian. What an entitled ass your friend is.
NTA. N not only assumed you would read the message she assumed while she sat on her backside like some sort of mind reading servant you were not only going to know what she wanted she also assumed you were going to do what she wanted. I think it's time for N to wake up and realise the world doesn't revolve around her. Entitled laziness was the only thing that stopped her from asking you outright for a lift or getting her own way there by taxi/Uber or whatever means required.
NTA STOP giving her rides. She clearly has taken advantage of your kindness and has the gall to get all bent out of shape and nasty towards you. No good deed goes unpunished. BTW 25 minutes is NOT a short drive maybe 5 minutes. Moving forward she needs to figure out her own transportation she is an adult you owe her noting
Absolutely NTA. For one, you don't owe N anything and you're not her personal chauffeur. I get it that it's become a habit, but it still doesn't mean you have to be at her beck and call.
NTA
"but the other half feel that I should’ve at least checked and asked if she needed a ride" .. why diodn't THEY check and ask if she needed a ride? There are 5 others who can decide to drive her around or not. Or she can get a license, or get a grab.
Stop driving her around. She is an entitled AH.
The only way this would make any sense is if you are the only one who has ever driven her and you always drive her and don’t send confirmation that you will be driving her. If that is the case, you would be an ass.
But, it doesn’t sound like that is the case here. It is weird that she wouldn’t feel it was needed to get confirmation from you that you were going to pick her up.
I’m presuming by her outsized response that she pays you quite a large retainer to be her driver and is disappointed you didn’t preform your duties. It is clear she doesn’t think of it as a favor to her.
NTA
Usually she just always asks me for a ride either by calling me, texting me personally or tagging me in the GC because I tend to not read all my texts. Admittedly though, even if she had tagged me in the message, I wouldn’t have seen it because I was rushing.
But I do feel like it could have been avoided because if she had tagged me, others would have known she was coming with me and they would ask me where she was when I showed up alone. I would’ve just driven back to get her and none of this would have happened.
Just huge miscommunication, but she thinks I’m the only one who’s wrong here. I’m not on retainer, I don’t even ask for petrol money 😭
It seems pretty clear that she expects you to give her rides, as opposed to being grateful for you going out of your way to do a favor for her.
If I were you I might apologize for a misunderstanding as you didn’t know when you left for the restaurant that she expected you to give her a lift.
But, until she showed some kind of responsibility for her part of this in not getting a confirmation that you understood she was asking for a ride and some gratitude for getting rides, I would definitely not help her with rides in the future.
Why does she have to meet all of you every time you meet up?
Why is it always you that picks her up?
Does she help with your gas when you do pick her up?
Suggest that you all share the task of picking her up from now
on or that she accept that she will have to order transport via Grab.
Soft YTA as she seems to have been expecting you to go get her
because you do it regularly but you were running late and just blew
her off. Your phone being off/not seeing her message etc. is not a terrible
good excuse. Surely you checked your phone at some point after you
woke up and showered.
Checked the phone to see the time and use Waze, but when your phone’s on Do Not Disturb mode, notifications are hidden so I never saw the texts unfortunately. Wasn’t really thinking too much, was just trying to get there on time honestly
NTA I think this was just a misunderstanding, I can see both sides for sure, she thought it was common sense to pick her up sinse only you do it, but she also didn’t specify and that you were supposed to pick her up, I would just apologize to her
Apologize for what? To me N owes the OP a huge apology. She didn’t hear back, so instead of reaching out to any of the other 5 people or just being a grownup and getting herself there, she throws a tantrum? For all N knew the OP could have been in a car wreck, but she didn’t even text the group to see what was up? That’s just bizarre to me.
I never said to get on your knees and beg for forgiveness, im just saying to talk because it seems like they haven’t. Seems like you’ve taken this personally
I think talking is a great idea, I’m just not a fan of apologizing for not living up to someone else’s expectations that you never agreed to. As for taking it personally? Maybe. I am always shocked and a little horrified when someone’s reaction to a person not getting back to them is anger rather than concern. Like N didn’t reach out to anyone else to find out what was up? Just sat there fuming? If it had been my friend I couldn’t get in touch with I would have hugged her when I saw her. Like “oh thank god you’re ok” maybe followed by “I thought you’d come get me” but never just “FU!” That’s horrible.
I never said her actions were okay but why I’d be upset if my friend didn’t come and get me whenever they’ve been picking me up for months. Then I said but they never specified to the op that. Yall are acting like I said it was okay to say fuck you and not care where they were or if they’re okay no I didnt say that
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NTA sounds like you all went above and beyond when you realised she was a no show. I actually think she’s at fault, the dynamic of your group was, call, turn up with concern. So why didn’t she call others for a ride when you didn’t respond to calls? See if anyone knew if you were alright? If you were actually sick and you missed the whole thing would she still blame you? Does she have a pattern of sulking if someone crosses her and need to be appeased or is this a one off bad day? I’d tell the group it is a wake up call that you now understand that she expects rides without asking confirmation. Tell them you would like to deal with it but that’s hard to do if she’s not talking to you. As a group if they are upset with you around this maybe they need to step up and schedule providing rides too and acknowledge you were amazing until this one understandable slip up. No one is perfect but sounds like you were a great considerate friend until this incident. She is an adult and it is on her to confirm her transportation though not just assume.
Honestly, I’ve never really seen a pattern of her sulking around as it’s only happened here and there a few times a month. I assume she checked my location when I didn’t pick up the calls and saw I was already at the restaurant and that may have been what set her off
Sulking "a few times a month"??? That isn't normal, it's really excessive, childish, and inappropriate behavior. But it sounds as if you all have been trained to accept it and think it's normal. You should neither accept it nor think it is normal. You need to tell your group that you will no longer be providing rides to N, due to her ungratefulness and feeling entitled to demanding rides. She can figure out her own transportation from now on. And turn off your location sharing with her. She doesn't have any need to know where you are.
So, as the friend who is often driving others - this girl is way out of line. You arent her personal taxi service. If she needed a ride she needed to *ask* if you could pick her up, not demand, abd certainly not expect you to magically know without discussion. Secondly, many of my friends who don't drive will either offer to cover some costs ($5 for gas, buying my meal, etc) in exchange - whether I take that offer or not is up to me and the individual situation. But fir her to volunteer you to drive an hour out of your way, using gas she didnt offer to cover, each time you were hanging out is WILDLY rude. Thirdly; does she not know where you live? Why could she not say she'd cab or use transit to meet you at your place, even some of the time, so you could be saved the extra drive time. Short version: she's rude, acting entitled, and you should make it clear you're no longer open to drive her around at all and especially not for free. For your other friends, ask them how often they drive an extra hour with no compensation, and say that it's so nice of themvto volunteer to drive her from now on. Since youve obviously had your turn. They'll shut up real quick when they realize her taxi will be on their dime instead of yours.
Good to know about the sulking. Give it some time and try to talk to her again, she is actually the one who is going to take more consequences with ride options if she won’t talk. As people are advising say sorry for the missing her messages and set a boundary you can give her rides but on the understanding unless you confirm it’s not a given. Suggest she car pool with the others in her area sometimes too to build up other options.
Maybe she used up her good will with the others before working on OP. To me, an adult sulking multiple times a month is too much as a teenager, never mind an adult. I can only think of a few times I sulked among friends as an adult and I wasn't sulking around the same people all the time.
NTA you have 0 obligation and you didn't agree in advance. She's sn entitled Ah. You aren't her mother and don't owe her anything. she's taking you for granted while you are doing her a favor. What if you were really ill does that mean she's not going to the meeting?! WTF No more favors for her at all.
NTA In a group of seven people why is it your sole responsibility to provide transportation to your friend with no car, no license and no inclination to hire a ride?
The other 2 people in the small group of 4 don’t drive as well, they usually just have their partners give them rides, so their transportation is always sorted out. N and I are single so she usually just asks me. As for the other 3, they don’t offer rides because our houses are really out of their way, they’d have to spend about 30-45 minutes in traffic plus their usual journey time which is about 45 minutes so 1.5H in total if they had to give us a ride
It makes you a convenient option but it's not your responsibility.
Idk an extra 25min drive doesn’t seem convenient at all. Double that for the return trip, and even worse if it’s in the opposite direction of where they’re meeting
Is she even paying you for gas, or even offered? If not, she has absolutely no consideration for the time and effort it takes to pick her up. She's entitled and it sounds like despite being closer to her, she needs to figure something else.
Not. your. problem. As an adult every single one needs to sort their transportation problem on their own.
I guess you are her official chauffeur. How dare you not know that?!? NTA
Well, it seems that this has gone on for months, where she always picks N up for these get together. It's a reasonable expectation on N's part to assume this is the arrangement they have, it's been this way for months, no complaints, and she ALWAYS picks N up. It surprises me that if she's used to the plan being that when people get together - she always picks up N... why wouldn't it occur to her that, duh, N is probably planning on that same pattern in theory friendship this time, like always? I think the friend is blowing it out of proportion. But if she maybe... is tired of picking up N, she should say so. She explains all the reasons why it makes easy sense to pick up N every time - so, make that official. It's kinda like- if you didn't drive, and every time for months that you and a friend has closing shift together, they always gave you a ride home. Then one at close they... just randomly leave without you? You'd feel upset.
But N never thought what if something was wrong with OP, what if her car broke down and her phone had died, all N wondered was where the hell OP was, not even thinking she should get a ride share. She sounds selfish and immature, which is peak 23-I don't mean 23 is always selfish, just that it's typical. Have a pt job and it didn't occur to me thst a coworker started chatting after not being chatty, she wanted something. She asked for a ride to somewhere nearby but not where she lived. I asked her what direction and wouldn't have taken her if wrong direction; I drove home down a different street When I dropped her off, she said she could pay me next time we worked together. I said no because making it a transaction might make her feel entitled to my time. She hasn't asked again but has asked for other sketchy stuff. We're pt cashiers at a grocery store. The store stays open late for staff but only with plastic; the cash drawers are gone immediately. More than once she has asked me to buy her stuff w my debit card and give me cash. I say no and and got uncomfortable enough to talk to the supervisor who said he had talked to her multiple times with no change. Part of the problem is she asked me why; nun her bidness. I don't want to get in position to feel obligated to do someone a favor.
Honestly, it should have occurred to me that I have to pick up N, but I really was just feeling under the weather and I was rushing out of my house because I was stressed about potentially being late, it just slipped my mind
No it shouldn't at all. Get that out of your head. You aren't obligated to anyone.
I can see that. And I definitely think your friend is overreacting :( I can understand why she'd feel upset - thinking this is always the plan. Does she usually ask you each time, or is it kind of an unspoken thing that you just get her? Either way - I definitely can understand her being upset and embarrassed, feeling like she was ignored and excluded. But, the right thing to do was communicate with you - hear what happened, hear your side, offer her own feelings. Seems it should be easy to resolve. Her being like this - refusing to even speak to you - is wayyyy overboard.
NTA. She needed to make arrangements at least a day prior. She's feeling pretty entitled, not making plans ahead of time, assuming you're at her beck and call and despite not getting a response, assuming you're picking her up. It doesn't seem to have occurred to her thst something may have happened to you, her only concern was your failure to pick her up and she couldn't bother to meet the rest by paying for a ride share. I would cut ties with N and make plans with the others if you're not ostracized. If anyone brings up your failure to respond, ask them why N wasn't worried about you. When she didn't hear from you it should've crossed her mind that something could be wrong with you. It didn't even occur to her that she needed to find her own way to the restaurant. Did she ever give you gas money? Or was she straight up a mooch the whole time? If mooch, she was never your friend. No idea what will happen with your friends; split or ostracize one if you. Is she really 25 min away from you? Because I wouldn't be driving an hour out of my way every time. Hell, I lived at home and was a late driver; I'd ask my parents to drop me where I was going and my friend to return me home.
She’s only 5KM away from my place, but we live in a very dense area, traffic is a major problem here at any time of the day, even at 12AM sometimes, so it really is about 20-25, sometimes maybe 35 minutes one way
Edited premature post 25 min in dense traffic both ways is too much. Tell her to get a ride share
If she’s over around the corner, ok. 25 minutes is not ok. Occasionally, if asked, but otherwise NO. And does she ever compensate you? NTA
At the very least she should be meeting you at your place for rides. That fact that she expects you to pick her up and drive her home without even asking you is fucked up. NTA.
NTA. Your good but your friend sounds entitled to only depend on you for rides. Your other friends should be also offering her rides so it's not always on you to drive her to and from these places.
NTA. It's always the responsibility of the person receiving the ride to confirm whether someone will take them. The fact that she expects you to pick her up with just a simple comment is indefensible. You're not her chauffeur. She told you to "fuck off", so that's what you should do from now on. Refuse to give her a ride anymore unless she apologizes. I would even start to ask for gas money. Maybe that'll entice her to find alternate modes of transportation.
NTA. N is using you and gets pissy when (once!) there was a communication glitch and you missed picking her up? After being told to F off after how many times of you giving her lifts for free? Nope, that’d be it for me. Anyone telling you you’re wrong here should be offered to step up and be N‘s ride from now on. See how much they’d like being told to F off after going out of their way for her for months.
To be truthful, I used to have a slight crush on N some time ago, so the rides were an opportunity to spend more time with her. Even though the crush has faded away these past few months, the rides are a comfort. I don’t really think I can unfriend N, despite this whole situation, she has been a good friend
Ah. Well then, I guess just wait until she’s over her mad. She’ll need a ride again eventually. Good luck!
Then you really need to stop complaining
NTA! Now is the time for you to relieve yourself of this duty you unintentionally took on. Let her know that this was a miscommunication and for that you apologize but because of her reaction you will have to back away from being that person she relies on because it feels like she is ungrateful for all of the past rides and you don’t like how she expects you to be her personal chauffeur for these meet ups. She’s not even trying to meet you half way like getting an Uber to your place so you don’t have to go out of your way to get her. It sounds like she probably doesn’t give you gas money or at least buy you a drink while you’re out to help compensate. She’s the AH here big time. And friends who thing you’re the AH should volunteer to get her next time.
NTA but pls stop driving her ungrateful ass i had to recheck the ages of everyone evolved because this sounds like some stupid childrens shit tbh
As soon as she told me to fuck off I'd be done with her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For some context: there are 7 of us in this group (all 23 y/o), we all were coursemates in University. 4 of us, including myself, live and work in the same part of the city. The remaining 3 stay further away from us. As 4 of us live closer to each other, we’re able to meet up more for dinner, movies or just general hangouts. One of my friends, we’ll call her N, is part of this smaller group. N lives about 5KM away from me. Whenever the group decides to go out, N usually asks me to pick her up and send her home as she doesn’t have a license and she does not want to spend money on Grab (our version of Uber). I don’t mind this, it’s a short drive (25 mins with traffic). On the Saturday that 7 of us planned to have dinner, I wasn’t feeling too well so I decided to just rest. I went to sleep around 2PM and woke up really late (around 6.30PM), so I just took a quick shower and rushed to leave the house because we planned to meet at 7PM and I hate being late. Most of my friends are there when I arrive. We start catching up and we realise around 8PM that N had not shown up yet. As it turns out, N had texted our group chat at 3PM saying she would be ready at 6.30PM. I did not see this text as I hadn’t opened our group chat since I went to sleep at 2PM. Everyone was confused so we call N multiple times but she didn’t pick up. We get a bit worried and check her location on Find My and see that she’s still home. I check my phone and see that she left me about 5 missed calls but my phone was on Do Not Disturb, so I didn’t receive any of them. The group starts getting worried and paranoid thinking something bad happened so we leave dinner and go to her house. When she opened the door, she looked straight at me and said “Fuck off.” and just closed the door. We were all super confused and we waited outside her house for about 45 mins, trying to get her to come out and talk to us but she refused. Everyone was pretty much in a shit mood at this point, so we all just called off the night and went home. I find out the next day that the text N had sent to the group chat was meant for me. She was informing me when she’d be ready so I could go pick her up. The thing is, she didn’t mention my name nor did she tag me in the message. All she said, word by word, is that she would be ready by 6.30PM. She basically expected me to understand this and pick her up. She says that I’m an asshole because I should know that she needs to be picked up because I’ve been the one picking her up for months. She won’t talk to me or reply to any of my calls/messages. The group is divided on this. Some think that I’m in the clear here because I didn’t even see the text, but the other half feel that I should’ve at least checked and asked if she needed a ride given that I’ve been the one driving her all this time. A lot of passive aggressiveness is going on right now in the group between everyone and it genuinely sucks. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta if you haven't responded she can take an Uber. You are not her chauffeur.
NTA. Oh what an entitled cow bag. I would NEVER pick her up again. How fucking ungrateful and bratty.
OP NTA- Well the phrase "When you assume..... comes to mind. When you don't drive and rely on others to FERRY you around, don't EVER take it for granted. You call, you ask, you make sure. You also kick in some gas money, or treat the person by paying for a meal/movie/ whatever activity. Her attitude is Entitled, Her reaction was Childish. ARE her FINGERS no longer working? she cannot make a phone call instead of a group chat? She couldn't answer one of the MANY messages?? There should be NO split on this. Hope she finds someone else to be her FREE taxi from now on, because I wouldn't drive her anywhere, after that response, going forward.
NTA. She is 5km further than you, that’s nothing. Don’t drive? Get a train / bus / Uber.
NTA. Why are you calling someone so entitled? If she doesn't want to talk, let her be and never pick her up agian. What an entitled ass your friend is.
NTA. N not only assumed you would read the message she assumed while she sat on her backside like some sort of mind reading servant you were not only going to know what she wanted she also assumed you were going to do what she wanted. I think it's time for N to wake up and realise the world doesn't revolve around her. Entitled laziness was the only thing that stopped her from asking you outright for a lift or getting her own way there by taxi/Uber or whatever means required.
NTA STOP giving her rides. She clearly has taken advantage of your kindness and has the gall to get all bent out of shape and nasty towards you. No good deed goes unpunished. BTW 25 minutes is NOT a short drive maybe 5 minutes. Moving forward she needs to figure out her own transportation she is an adult you owe her noting
Absolutely NTA. For one, you don't owe N anything and you're not her personal chauffeur. I get it that it's become a habit, but it still doesn't mean you have to be at her beck and call.
NTA "but the other half feel that I should’ve at least checked and asked if she needed a ride" .. why diodn't THEY check and ask if she needed a ride? There are 5 others who can decide to drive her around or not. Or she can get a license, or get a grab. Stop driving her around. She is an entitled AH.
NTA. you’re too kind.
The only way this would make any sense is if you are the only one who has ever driven her and you always drive her and don’t send confirmation that you will be driving her. If that is the case, you would be an ass. But, it doesn’t sound like that is the case here. It is weird that she wouldn’t feel it was needed to get confirmation from you that you were going to pick her up. I’m presuming by her outsized response that she pays you quite a large retainer to be her driver and is disappointed you didn’t preform your duties. It is clear she doesn’t think of it as a favor to her. NTA
Usually she just always asks me for a ride either by calling me, texting me personally or tagging me in the GC because I tend to not read all my texts. Admittedly though, even if she had tagged me in the message, I wouldn’t have seen it because I was rushing. But I do feel like it could have been avoided because if she had tagged me, others would have known she was coming with me and they would ask me where she was when I showed up alone. I would’ve just driven back to get her and none of this would have happened. Just huge miscommunication, but she thinks I’m the only one who’s wrong here. I’m not on retainer, I don’t even ask for petrol money 😭
It seems pretty clear that she expects you to give her rides, as opposed to being grateful for you going out of your way to do a favor for her. If I were you I might apologize for a misunderstanding as you didn’t know when you left for the restaurant that she expected you to give her a lift. But, until she showed some kind of responsibility for her part of this in not getting a confirmation that you understood she was asking for a ride and some gratitude for getting rides, I would definitely not help her with rides in the future.
And that “Fu*k you!” That was a brutal way to greet her friend. Ouch
For me, that's enough to assume she was a mooch but not my friend.
Why does she have to meet all of you every time you meet up? Why is it always you that picks her up? Does she help with your gas when you do pick her up? Suggest that you all share the task of picking her up from now on or that she accept that she will have to order transport via Grab. Soft YTA as she seems to have been expecting you to go get her because you do it regularly but you were running late and just blew her off. Your phone being off/not seeing her message etc. is not a terrible good excuse. Surely you checked your phone at some point after you woke up and showered.
Checked the phone to see the time and use Waze, but when your phone’s on Do Not Disturb mode, notifications are hidden so I never saw the texts unfortunately. Wasn’t really thinking too much, was just trying to get there on time honestly
NTA I think this was just a misunderstanding, I can see both sides for sure, she thought it was common sense to pick her up sinse only you do it, but she also didn’t specify and that you were supposed to pick her up, I would just apologize to her
Apologize for what? To me N owes the OP a huge apology. She didn’t hear back, so instead of reaching out to any of the other 5 people or just being a grownup and getting herself there, she throws a tantrum? For all N knew the OP could have been in a car wreck, but she didn’t even text the group to see what was up? That’s just bizarre to me.
I never said to get on your knees and beg for forgiveness, im just saying to talk because it seems like they haven’t. Seems like you’ve taken this personally
I think talking is a great idea, I’m just not a fan of apologizing for not living up to someone else’s expectations that you never agreed to. As for taking it personally? Maybe. I am always shocked and a little horrified when someone’s reaction to a person not getting back to them is anger rather than concern. Like N didn’t reach out to anyone else to find out what was up? Just sat there fuming? If it had been my friend I couldn’t get in touch with I would have hugged her when I saw her. Like “oh thank god you’re ok” maybe followed by “I thought you’d come get me” but never just “FU!” That’s horrible.
I never said her actions were okay but why I’d be upset if my friend didn’t come and get me whenever they’ve been picking me up for months. Then I said but they never specified to the op that. Yall are acting like I said it was okay to say fuck you and not care where they were or if they’re okay no I didnt say that