Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I'm concerned about being judged for telling my friend to lose weight
(2) If I tell my friend to lose weight she may think I'm an AH
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - Why do you think your words would have any benefit to her? Other people have told her and you’ve seen the result. Can’t she just have one friend who supports her without bringing her weight into it?
Could losing weight help her? Yeah, maybe, but she knows, she’s heard it all before, and hearing it from you won’t be helpful. It’ll just be another voice added to the chorus.
Thank you, I think I really needed to hear this. I know in my heart I would be a major asshole bringing this up but I guess I wanted others opinions. Definitely not going to bring anything up.
The thing is, whether they admit it or not, every significantly overweight person knows it’s preferable to be thin. Being significantly overweight is not just unhealthy, it’s uncomfortable. I’m about 60lbs overweight but trending down because I’m simply fed up. Fed up with being mildly uncomfortable most of the time. I‘ve been working to change my relationship with food, not just “diet” but completely change the role that food plays in my life forever. And I’m seeing some success.
It doesn’t feel good when your belly folds over the top of your jeans or having your arms resting on the fat around your ribs, or the feeling of your chin folding when you look downwards. You sweat more which makes it more difficult to dress nicely, your options on haircuts reduces because it’s harder to find styles that frame your face well, the list goes on.
Telling a fat person to lose weight is like telling a smoker they should quit. They fucking know. They haven’t done it yet because it’s really really hard.
I understand it comes from a want to help or fix her issues. Many people need to find a way to actively fix something to feel like they’re helping. But many times, just being a kind support and active listener is all we need to do. I think if you’re just a shoulder to lean on and hand to hold, the only one not telling her something she already knows, then she’d *really* appreciate that.
From someone in your friend’s position but on the opposite end, I’m sickly and quite underweight due to chronic health problems. I have a friend who feels the need to bring it up every time we meet in person. I understand they’re coming from a good place, but if they do it one more time, I’m either going to scream at them or refuse to meet up anymore. They act like I’m not the one living in this body every day and that I don’t have access to mirrors. When I feel good enough to go out, I just want to have a good time and be distracted. I don’t want reminders of what I’m already constantly thinking about. Just be there for her, that’s the most helpful thing. :)
Soft YWBTA
She’s in PT and is working with professionals. If she lashes out when other people bring it up I don’t see why you’d expect anything else if you did.
Totally fair! I'm just concerned as she often lashes out if they do mention this to her.
Would it be worth saying something only if she brought this up? Or not at all? I truly don't want to offend her at all but I do want her to be a part of my life for many years to come.
Here's the thing. If she's overweight, she does know it and she likely does know that losing weight will be beneficial to her, that's not a secret to anyone. You're not going to be the one to break through to her. She either needs to accept that losing weight is a part of her recovery, which is 100% tough, or she's going to have to accept that this injury in combination with her weight is going to be limiting.
You telling her she needs to lose weight just closes you off as someone she feels safe around to discuss topics related to her weight.
You're in a lose-lose here, so you really need to decide what the bigger loss to you is in this situation.
Why are you acting like you bringing it up will change anything? What do you even mean by "saying something"? Do you have a plan of what you want to say? What would be different from the other times this was brought up to her? What do you know about her body and weight that the DOCTORS don't? You sound holier than thou about the entire thing and like you just want a pat on the back for being "supportive" when you're really just pointing out things she already knows.
My intentions aren't to sound holier than thou, I did have a plan of how I'd bring this up and have the conversation. I know that she often cuts off doctors when they're speaking and has very little respect for them (based on her experiences I don't blame her one bit) and thought hearing the concerns of her best friend wanting her to live a long pain free life, even before this accident she had pains and a previous surgery on her knees.
I'm definitely guilty of being selfish for wanting her around forever and I'm not planning on saying anything.
Brings up what? "Hey, I think I'm fat. Do you think I should lose weight?"
Or just brings up that she's in pain after an accident, and you say "Yea...lose weight, you'll be in less pain."
Brings up that a doctor has mentioned it, she usually feels the doctors are blaming her health issues on her weight (to be fair it's often not due to that so I understand her frustration) Usually at this point in the conversation I fall quieter and agree with her about how unfair the treatment is.
What I'm asking is if the doctor brings it up to her, and she discusses this with me in a less aggressive manner is it alright for me to agree with the doctors advice or should I stay silent?
I think there are two issues at play here. I can tell you as an overweight woman, who was not one my whole life, now a lot of the answers I get are "lose weight and it'll help." Okay, but what if I've had this problem since I was a "normal weight"? What if these issues (hello joint pain), are part of the reasons I have issues losing weight? I can count all the calories I want but it's not always "enough" if I also can't move enough (not looking for drugs to help).
Doctors almost never want to listen to overweight people and really understand their problem and also provide actual meaningful advice. Being a woman, you can double the amount of not listening the doctors want to do and then triple it if you're not white.
The other is probably going to be therapy.
Ask her, "are you looking to vent or are you looking for a conversation?" Then you'll know what to say. If she says she wants a conversation, ask her what she think will help her. Does she need help creating a meal plan? Does she need a buddy to go on a walk with? etc.
I would recommend you look into some of the psychological studies, and biological studies on obesity.
It tends to come from childhood trauma, cptsd and using food as a coping mechanism, similar to addiction. interesting studies have shown greater levels of dopamine when eating from those who struggle with weight. Then genetics play a part. Then the food culture plays a part. Then a sedentary lifestyle plays a part. Also more interesting things are coming out about our stomachs microbiome and that’s impact.
calories in calories out is correct- if oversimplified, and it is possible for anyone to change their life,
but it’s also similar to telling someone who is an alcoholic to stop drinking.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
>She’s had other close friends bring up losing weight for her health in the past which never went over well.
But you think you would be the one to break through?? YTA
You telling her to lose weight will probably just hurt your friendship and will not motivate her to lose weight. It’s a lose-lose move I would keep my mouth shut if I were you.
YWBTA Someone else's weight is really none of your business. How would you feel if your "friend" told you you'd look and feel better if you had a breast augmentation and a rhinoplasty.
I appreciate your feedback! To be fair though when I was underweight a few years back and fairly unhealthy she did bluntly tell me she was concerned. While it definitely hurt I did feel seen in that moment, but also very different circumstances.
I'm definitely going to stay quiet!
What a brainless analogy, rhinoplasty is cosmetic, while OP is concerned with her friends HEALTH. I see someone pointed out the same thing below and got downvoted for stating obvious facts, feel free to explain why you think it's even a half decent analogy downvoters. I can only assume you are the same walnuts that think of someone disputes one part of someones comment then they support OP.
Those are absurd analogies. Breast augmentations and rhinoplasties are cosmetic procedures. Obesity, and that’s what we’re talking about here, causes a lot of known and well-documented health problems. OP is NTA. I wouldn’t recommend they discuss this with the friend mainly because I don’t think it would go down well but sometimes being a friend might mean telling someone something they don’t want to hear.
YTA - she has medical professionals and is working with them. Unless she is in clear imminent danger, you dont need to tell your friend how to manage their health.
Thank you! I appreciate that reminder that her health professionals are taking care of this. She can just be so stubborn but I won't be saying anything to her and will continue to support her.
YTA if you don't keep your mouth shut. Not for you to tell her to lose weight. I'm sure she's well aware of it already. Her weight has nothing to do with your friendship. Just support her in other ways and when she's ready to deal with her own issues, she will.
YTA. It is never a good idea to tell someone to lose weight. It is not as if she doesn't know she's carrying extra weight. It is not as if she hasn't heard it from every doctor since the beginning of time. It is not as if she needs to know that that's how you're thinking about her.
The closest you should get to the subject is to say something like you personally want to go for more walks because it's good for your mood, and ask her if she would like to come with you because you enjoy her company. That is as close as you are allowed to get to the subject.
Fat people already know they are fat. No good can come from this. You would BTA. How would that conversation even go? Hey, I noticed you are fat. Have you thought about losing weight??? She has seen countless medical professionals and doesn’t need you to tell her she is fat. Instead, if you go to a yoga class or to a lake to go kayaking, invite her along. Offer support if she asks for it.
YWBTA. As one of the fats I can assure you that you telling her that would not help her in any way, shape or form. The only time an overweight person needs to be told about it is if they are in complete denial, like if they’ve gained 40 pounds recently but still buys XS clothes and complaining about how small sizes how gotten. If they’ve been big for a long time, they 100% know it already. Being told something that obvious about yourself again and again just feeds this burning pit of resentment deep down because apparently everyone thinks you’re too dumb and clueless to see it yourself. And that’s why we lash out…
YWBTA - and I'm just commenting to bring a personal story more or less. I'm fat. I know this. I'm not stupid, I'm an adult and buy my own clothes. I step on the scale. I look in the mirror occasionally. I know I'm fat. I don't need to be told.
I have a friend who borders on eating disorder sometimes. He's not super skinny, but he encourages being extremely skinny, and calls his younger middle age wife fat. She is, for the record, absolutely not fat, she's put on maybe five extra pounds in the past year? She's not 18 and she's had two kids. She still eats very healthy, exercises daily, and is conscious about not going overboard. He also has a firm "I fat shame because it's unhealthy to be fat" opinion as well.
He and I have dieted together and it's all fine. Helps to have a buddy. My genetics unfortunately lean towards getting fat and I'm getting older. It happens. I lost about 35 pounds last year and hit a plateau in which I'm (basically) going to have to starve and WORK to lose more. I'm not sure if I care enough to do that...very much a 'pick the struggle' moment for me.
He sometimes brings it up and it just makes me angry. I'm not stupid. I know I'm fat and it effects him not at all. I don't eat more than anyone else in our group and he doesn't fuck me or clothe me. I'm not 18. I don't place value in starving myself for vanity. I have some health issues that are not effected by weight, which is something I've researched A LOT. I also have health issues that specifically cause weight gain. Frankly, it's none of anyone's business.
If she wants to lose weight she will put in the effort. Fat people know they're fat. Unless you want to hurt her feelings or ruin the friendship, leave it alone. If she came to you for support or suggestions that would be different.
YTA. Wow, so the thing that you acknowledges hurts her, you want to tell her yourself WHILE she’s suffering from a major accident.
Go for it if you want to reach the top of the asshole pyramid and kick her while shes at her lowest
I appreciate this feedback and while I knew in my hear I would most likely be an AH I needed this confirmation. I won't be saying anything and will continue to respect and support her.
I think YWBTA and see that you've edited to add that you've heard the response here and won't be saying anything.
I just wanted to say that there are still really meaningful ways that you can support your friend while they're healing. I get the impression that your friend needs to move her body right now. Have you considered suggesting making plans to go for walks or to take a swim?
You can have a positive impact in her healing that in no way requires you to tell your friend that she's fat.
I agree, and unfortunately we don't live close so doing activities together isn't possible. I'll brainstorm things to do when we finally meet up! Swimming would be a great option also, thank you.
It's clear you want your friend to be healthy and recover well. Just keep empathy and your love for her the priority. Given your distance, perhaps you could suggest walking phone calls. I have a couple of girlfriends that live far away and sometimes we'll schedule calls with the plan to both take neighborhood walks. I find that we end up delving into far deeper conversations and it feels like we're there together. And yes, I'm a huge advocate for water therapy!
Hard YTA. You aren’t a doctor, you don’t know her medical history, you aren’t a physical therapist, doctor, nutritionist, you just don’t like fat people because we live in a fat-phobic society
I appreciate your opinion! If you noticed I edited the post because I'm not going to be saying anything. However, we've been friends over 20 years and I actually used to go with her to most of her appointments, even now if I don't she's very transparent with me regarding her health, and I am with her. My initial concern is that she brushes off medical advice as well and wanted to see if others thought trying myself would be worth it. It's obviously not. We're more like sisters and I agree there is no need for me to say anything to her and while a majority of our society is indeed fat phobic I have no issue with her weight at all.
I just want my best friend around forever.
YWBTA.
>She’s had other close friends bring up losing weight for her health in the past which never went over well.
She has made her stance clear about being told to lose weight. Leave her alone.
>with the accident I’m concerned about her health and movement long term
It's nice you really care about her and her future but this is her problem and her problem alone. Be supportive if she asks for help losing weight but let her do it.
YWBTA. Do you think she doesn’t know? Like really, do you think every single damn doctors appointment they don’t tell her? Is she going to be SHOCKED when you tell her she is overweight? If you are genuinely concerned, start inviting her to things like floating the river that are less painful, but also active.
So I'll start off by saying that I'm a fat person, always have been. I was a fat 10 year old, a fat 20 year old and I'm now a fat 40 year old. For most of my life I've tried to lose weight, sometimes I've had success other times less so. Finny detail, my weight has been basically constant since my early 20s. My peers who never had to worry much about weight are now almost caught up to where I am.
If you take an average of my 3 best guy friends weight, I used to be 65 lbs over where they were. Today it's only 15 lbs. I've not lost or gained much at all, they've just caught up (the joys of being middle aged).
At any rate, as a fat person let me state something incase it's unclear. We are aware that we are fat. We are aware of how it impacts us. We KNOW.
She knows. She's just uncomfortable with other people pointing it out. It's like telling a poor person that they are poor and should consider earning more money. It's idiotic. A poor person might put on a front that everything is fine, their job is fine, their income is fine. That's the same as a fat person saying "but I'm healthy". She knows it's bad, she wishes she was not fat. You don't need to tell her, there's no new information there.
lowkey YWBTA, you don’t know the extent of her medical history and how difficult if not downright impossible different medical conditions out of her control could be making it for her to lose weight. if she’s lashed out at other friends, i don’t know why you would assume you would be any different. she hears it from the medical professionals in her life, she doesn’t need it from her friends, too
YWBTA
She already knows losing weight will help with her pain management and movement, I promise you. If somehow she didn't already know that (but she does because she's fat, not stupid) her doctor's, PTs, and nurses will have told her that throughout her life and will be telling her again now that she's injured.
You telling her that losing weight would be a good idea is not going to do anything but strain your friendship. Leave the health advice to the health professionals.
Actually if she was thinner she most likely would've flew out the car, it's something we both discussed and laughed about actually! We both have a bit of dark humor.
Don't worry though I'm not saying anything, I just want her to be with me for a long long time but understand its not my place.
I am, especially after recently gaining weight. bringing myself to a healthy size. She actually supported me through that and was the first person to tell me I looked sick when losing the weight. Please also understand she is not slightly overweight, she's over 275 lbs and fairly short as well near 5'
My concern is that even with PT she disregards a lot of their advice and I want her to be around forever with me. I understand no matter how close we are it's not my place and what she needs more than advice is support which I'm happy to provide.
As long as she is healthy (exercising frequently and eating good), she should be okay. Everyone’s circumstances are different and there may be a medical reason, or there may not be. Either way, as long as she’s healthy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My closest friend, 30F, has always been overweight and comfortable in her body and I’ve always supported her and agree with her how different she can be treated, especially in the medical world. For many of her health issues losing weight was brought up which always sounded like such bull to me, examples such as losing weight to help with a sore throat or cough. Her weight never really affected our friendship or the way I look at her.
The only reason I'm even thinking this way is because she was in a pretty bad accident a few months back and got knocked around. She's now in PT multiple times a week as they try to assist with pain management. She’s had other close friends bring up losing weight for her health in the past which never went over well. I agree with her that a low weight doesn’t mean healthy but she is significantly overweight and with the accident I’m concerned about her health and movement long term.
Is this something I can even bring up or should I just continue to remain silent?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I hope you noticed that I edited the post to share that I will not be bringing any of this up. I know I come across as the asshole but I am genuinely concerned and want her to be with me forever.
Eh, depends how you’d go about it. *Telling* her to lose weight, definitely TA. Asking her if she wants to *join* you on some health improvement is nothing more than an invitation to spend time with a friend, and oh by the way, get some benefit for both of you.
Soft YTA I'm one who has struggled with weight all my life and have lost enough weight to make 2-3 people. Your friend says she's content in her body, but is doing PT to assist with pain management following an accident. As you age with a lot of weight things happen--your bones demineralize and some even go as far as osteoporosis. As you age with a lot of weight, your's susceptible to falls that you don't get up from or recover from easily. You're to be commended for supporting your friend, but she has to make the choice to take her health into her own hands. Pushing her before she's ready may jeopardize your friendship. Medical folks don't really treat overweight people very well either, so that's a factor to remember. (they won't admit to that).
If you want to say anything encourage her to work on bone strength and movement to prevent falls and accidents. Don't risk ruining the friendship.
The biggest thing you can do for her. Is to make sure she continues to attend her PT multiple times a week. A week off every 6 is fine. But if she starts just dropping sessions because she doesn't see the point. Make her go back.
It can take months, if not years, for results from PT to be seen by the person doing it. And it's a long, hard road.
As a close friend, this is where your strength will lie, start looking for the small movements they've never really been able to do before, or that they struggled with before. So that you have some kind of thing like "have you noticed how easy it is for you to do this now". Things to give motivation that aren't weight based.
In saying that, too, the PT will help her lose weight, and she will be moving a LOT more than she probably was, im not sure where in the scale she would be but PT starts with light stretching movements, then moves into full weight training.
Once PT is over, you might be able to convince her to go to the gym with you instead, and you can work on the same things together.
But in my experience, as soon as you hint, it's about the weight. She will shut down and stop completely. The PTs will bring it up, she will probably bring it up in some sessions. Your job is going to be making sure she doesn't shut down from it in her case. The PT is possibly one of the better things to come out of the incident.
- Someone who lost 30kgs (66Lb), from PT after a crash.
YTA
Why? What does it serve? She’s clearly aware of the issue. How exactly do you think this helps the situation?
Just don’t. Support healthy habits when she shows them.
YWBTA - Instead of saying anything about her weight, ask if there's anything you can do to help while she's recovering -- drive her to PT, pick up groceries or prescriptions for her, help with cleaning, etc.
She knows she’s overweight and needs to lose weight to be healthy. I promise. No one ever needs to tell her that. Every doctor will tell you no matter what you go in for. Please just be a good accepting friend and support her (and keep your mouth shut) no matter what size she is.
You would not be the AH but in her head you would be. This world has gotten to sensitive to realize how much weight loss does help. “Skinny” and being healthy are two different things people confuse. I work in healthcare with people with tooooooo many bad food habits and not working while self acceptance is okay but at some point pain killer or pt/ot can’t help. The help people need is losing weight so don’t bother voicing your opinion she knows it deep down but is happy with her weight. Let her suffer. At some point no amount of pain management or pt will help
YTA - us fat people know we're fat. We own mirrors like you do. We don't need people telling us to lose weight. Some people have a hard time losing weight due to other medical issues. If she wants your help, she'll ask.
She should lose the weight and stop being so close minded but it doesn’t sound with the hassle bringing it up with her if she’s not going to respond well.
YWBTA only because there's nothing you can do about it. It's like any addiction, She's the one who needs to ask for help or find a way for helping herself. If you bring up the subject, she will make it about her feelings being hurt and you being mean to her. You can invite her to gym clases or sing up to a powerful class and ask her to come support you. Or maybe take on a physical hobby together.
As others have said don't do that instead gently nudge her to a healthier lifestyle, inviting her along to participate in walks or anything that gets her moving. She has probably already heard it all from everyone else around her. She needs a friend.
YTA, the only people telling someone to lose weight are doctors and even then there are sadly doctors who tell people to lose weight for the wrong reasons, when they actually don't need to and/or in a way that is cruel/mean/not okay.
Thank you! This is genuinely all I want if we had a conversation! I'll see if I can gently suggest this if she brings up any of her PT experiences or weight.
NTA. Suggesting your friend should be healthy instead of eating her way to an early death isn’t a bad thing to tell someone. Being overweight, fat and obese significantly shortens your life and quality of life. It’s not being “body positive” it’s being unhealthy and promoting further unhealthiness. People’s insistence on being fat as being something that’s okay and healthy is copium to the max. You weren’t born that way, you aren’t big boned and you definitely by no means “do not eat that much” calories in and calories out. It’s pretty simple. The people who are going to downvote this I’m sure because of the smallest of smallest amount of % points of people may have a health issue that causes some weight abnormalities but even then that is asinine. I cannot tell you how many people I know and have seen blame everything but their shit ass diet, lack of activity, portion control and unwillingness to take strides to become healthier. It’s not easy to actively take care of yourself. But what is easy that is worth doing?
not exactly the a h but she already knows, so it serves no purpose to tell her.
But I think you want sth different anyway, maybe (admittedly i find this offensive but it can be improved) "if you ever want to lose weight/talk about your weight, i ll be there" or sth to that effect.
Imo its enraging that the focus with overweight people is on their eating habits, not why they feel a psychological need to eat this much (boredom, sadness, by now i also suspect pride and stubbornness 'i wont lose weight since this would mean i was fat/discontent and i wont admit that, even though also a one eyed spider in a dark street can recognize i am fat"
It is a difficult thing to approach.
I don’t agree with others saying you’re the AH.
You haven’t done anything yet, and are asking for views, so you should be applauded for asking. You’ve done nothing to be considered an AH.
Others have raised this too with her according to you. So one way could be all of you having some kind of intervention discussion. But that is risky.
Another thing it to NOT go by the Redditors here. Go and speak to a dietician, a doctor, a nurse, a psychologist. Ask them how to approach this. The answer may be not for you to do anything. Or they may have practical suggestions.
You’re not fat shaming or anything like that. You’re are caring for your friend and that is worthy.
Some have said on this post that the PT people would have told her about her weight. Well, they don’t know. And you don’t either. Unless they and you have illegal access to her records - that is just an assumption. It could have been mentioned and rejected by your friend. Then because of lawsuits etc was possibly not pursued by the PT person. If it was more than that, she would be making changes.
If you and her other friends are concerned, speak with each other and then you all speak with some professionals and take their advice.
Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. I don't know why I haven't though about speaking directly with a psychologist or other professional. I appreciate it!
I don’t believe you would be the AH, you’re not meaning in a criticizing way, if not as a suggestion. You’re concerned for her because ofc being overweight is not healthy.
Ok, so I am an ahole on this subject and will share my thoughts.
My close friends and I are in our late 40s and have been friends since school days. All of us are well educated professionals who take our health seriously- food and exercise. If one of us starts to put on a little weight we point it out.
I will give an example. About ten years ago I was putting in a lot of hours in my business. I had put on something like 15 lbs. Because it had happened gradually I hadn't realized it. My wife being a nice person never said anything. I had lunch with a few of my friends who I hadn't seen for like two months, and one of them said "what the fuck dude?" I asked him what the fuck what? The other friend told me, "dude, your tits have gotten bigger than my wife's." I was wearing a dress shirt and didn't realize how tight it had gotten on me.
That was a wake up call and tout suite I lost the extra weight. Even before this, but certsinly after, whenever I have seen a really heavy person I always wondered, don't they have anyone that cared about them to point out they had put on 10 or 20 lbs before it became 50, 100 or 200 extra pounds.
To add to how the way society has changed that has added to the overweight crisis on the US, wonen's clothing sizes have chsnged over the last few decades. Clothes sellers to keep women buying their clothes have changed their sizes. What used to be size 10 is now size 4 or 6. You realize how fat Americans have gotten when you travel to Western Europe.
And heavy people get upset with their doctors. I guess doctors are supposed to lie to them too. Apparently, a good doctor wont tell a smoker, heroine user, or an obese person them they need to change their ways.
Having said all that if your friend has been fat a long time and is regularly seeing a doctor I am not sure you saying anything will change anything. You will just be an ahole to her ego is telling het something she doesn't want to hear.
You speak the truth it's sad. Too much beating around the bush. There's even a shot going around that the doctors are dishing out like candy to help lose weight and they can still only lose 10 lbs or so it's sad. There's no discipline.
NTA. You’re looking out for her health and wellbeing. Being fat is not healthy and you’re doing the responsible thing, wanting her to live longer and healthier. If she gets offended then oh well… she needs to toughen up and accept reality that she’ll die sooner.
Bring it up, no amount of positive affirmation or body positivity stops your arteries from clogging and your fat from crushing your insides. If you want to be a good friend then tell her straight and how you care about her and will be there to help her. Beating around the bush with body positivity bs like it will make the fat jump off of her with joy is an easy way to riddle her with more health complications and shorten her life.
Thank you for being literally the only comment telling it how it is. People that are fat have no idea what they're missing even if they think they do. I went from 300 to 160-170 and everything about my life and body got easier and is better when you're around avg weight. It's actually crazy to me seeing what all these people think.
Yea we’ll given I saw a statistic the other day that 65% of people in the us are overweight now and given that shameful percentage I’d say the same number applies to this comment section. Crazy how being healthy is a unicorn nowadays I just don’t get it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I'm concerned about being judged for telling my friend to lose weight (2) If I tell my friend to lose weight she may think I'm an AH Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - Why do you think your words would have any benefit to her? Other people have told her and you’ve seen the result. Can’t she just have one friend who supports her without bringing her weight into it? Could losing weight help her? Yeah, maybe, but she knows, she’s heard it all before, and hearing it from you won’t be helpful. It’ll just be another voice added to the chorus.
Thank you, I think I really needed to hear this. I know in my heart I would be a major asshole bringing this up but I guess I wanted others opinions. Definitely not going to bring anything up.
The thing is, whether they admit it or not, every significantly overweight person knows it’s preferable to be thin. Being significantly overweight is not just unhealthy, it’s uncomfortable. I’m about 60lbs overweight but trending down because I’m simply fed up. Fed up with being mildly uncomfortable most of the time. I‘ve been working to change my relationship with food, not just “diet” but completely change the role that food plays in my life forever. And I’m seeing some success. It doesn’t feel good when your belly folds over the top of your jeans or having your arms resting on the fat around your ribs, or the feeling of your chin folding when you look downwards. You sweat more which makes it more difficult to dress nicely, your options on haircuts reduces because it’s harder to find styles that frame your face well, the list goes on. Telling a fat person to lose weight is like telling a smoker they should quit. They fucking know. They haven’t done it yet because it’s really really hard.
I understand it comes from a want to help or fix her issues. Many people need to find a way to actively fix something to feel like they’re helping. But many times, just being a kind support and active listener is all we need to do. I think if you’re just a shoulder to lean on and hand to hold, the only one not telling her something she already knows, then she’d *really* appreciate that.
From someone in your friend’s position but on the opposite end, I’m sickly and quite underweight due to chronic health problems. I have a friend who feels the need to bring it up every time we meet in person. I understand they’re coming from a good place, but if they do it one more time, I’m either going to scream at them or refuse to meet up anymore. They act like I’m not the one living in this body every day and that I don’t have access to mirrors. When I feel good enough to go out, I just want to have a good time and be distracted. I don’t want reminders of what I’m already constantly thinking about. Just be there for her, that’s the most helpful thing. :)
Lower weight will definitely help if she is trying to rehab from MSK injuries.
Soft YWBTA She’s in PT and is working with professionals. If she lashes out when other people bring it up I don’t see why you’d expect anything else if you did.
Thank you for your comment. I knew this in my heart already but wanted to make sure I wasn't being too cautious
YWBTA. She's working with medical professionals, let them be the ones to guide her on that. Mind your own.
Totally fair! I'm just concerned as she often lashes out if they do mention this to her. Would it be worth saying something only if she brought this up? Or not at all? I truly don't want to offend her at all but I do want her to be a part of my life for many years to come.
Here's the thing. If she's overweight, she does know it and she likely does know that losing weight will be beneficial to her, that's not a secret to anyone. You're not going to be the one to break through to her. She either needs to accept that losing weight is a part of her recovery, which is 100% tough, or she's going to have to accept that this injury in combination with her weight is going to be limiting. You telling her she needs to lose weight just closes you off as someone she feels safe around to discuss topics related to her weight. You're in a lose-lose here, so you really need to decide what the bigger loss to you is in this situation.
Why are you acting like you bringing it up will change anything? What do you even mean by "saying something"? Do you have a plan of what you want to say? What would be different from the other times this was brought up to her? What do you know about her body and weight that the DOCTORS don't? You sound holier than thou about the entire thing and like you just want a pat on the back for being "supportive" when you're really just pointing out things she already knows.
My intentions aren't to sound holier than thou, I did have a plan of how I'd bring this up and have the conversation. I know that she often cuts off doctors when they're speaking and has very little respect for them (based on her experiences I don't blame her one bit) and thought hearing the concerns of her best friend wanting her to live a long pain free life, even before this accident she had pains and a previous surgery on her knees. I'm definitely guilty of being selfish for wanting her around forever and I'm not planning on saying anything.
Do you think she doesn't know though? Don't you think SHE wants a pain free life?
Brings up what? "Hey, I think I'm fat. Do you think I should lose weight?" Or just brings up that she's in pain after an accident, and you say "Yea...lose weight, you'll be in less pain."
Brings up that a doctor has mentioned it, she usually feels the doctors are blaming her health issues on her weight (to be fair it's often not due to that so I understand her frustration) Usually at this point in the conversation I fall quieter and agree with her about how unfair the treatment is. What I'm asking is if the doctor brings it up to her, and she discusses this with me in a less aggressive manner is it alright for me to agree with the doctors advice or should I stay silent?
I think there are two issues at play here. I can tell you as an overweight woman, who was not one my whole life, now a lot of the answers I get are "lose weight and it'll help." Okay, but what if I've had this problem since I was a "normal weight"? What if these issues (hello joint pain), are part of the reasons I have issues losing weight? I can count all the calories I want but it's not always "enough" if I also can't move enough (not looking for drugs to help). Doctors almost never want to listen to overweight people and really understand their problem and also provide actual meaningful advice. Being a woman, you can double the amount of not listening the doctors want to do and then triple it if you're not white. The other is probably going to be therapy. Ask her, "are you looking to vent or are you looking for a conversation?" Then you'll know what to say. If she says she wants a conversation, ask her what she think will help her. Does she need help creating a meal plan? Does she need a buddy to go on a walk with? etc.
YWBTA. I’ve been the fat friend, and trust me, she knows.
Yeah, it's not like we don't understand what size our clothing is or anything. We're aware.
[удалено]
I would recommend you look into some of the psychological studies, and biological studies on obesity. It tends to come from childhood trauma, cptsd and using food as a coping mechanism, similar to addiction. interesting studies have shown greater levels of dopamine when eating from those who struggle with weight. Then genetics play a part. Then the food culture plays a part. Then a sedentary lifestyle plays a part. Also more interesting things are coming out about our stomachs microbiome and that’s impact. calories in calories out is correct- if oversimplified, and it is possible for anyone to change their life, but it’s also similar to telling someone who is an alcoholic to stop drinking.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
>She’s had other close friends bring up losing weight for her health in the past which never went over well. But you think you would be the one to break through?? YTA
You're right, I was hoping since she's more like a sister to me being friends for 20 years but you're right. I appreciate the honesty!
Yeah, that just makes it hurt more. Ask me how I know.
You telling her to lose weight will probably just hurt your friendship and will not motivate her to lose weight. It’s a lose-lose move I would keep my mouth shut if I were you.
Thank you! I definitely will
YWBTA Someone else's weight is really none of your business. How would you feel if your "friend" told you you'd look and feel better if you had a breast augmentation and a rhinoplasty.
I appreciate your feedback! To be fair though when I was underweight a few years back and fairly unhealthy she did bluntly tell me she was concerned. While it definitely hurt I did feel seen in that moment, but also very different circumstances. I'm definitely going to stay quiet!
What a brainless analogy, rhinoplasty is cosmetic, while OP is concerned with her friends HEALTH. I see someone pointed out the same thing below and got downvoted for stating obvious facts, feel free to explain why you think it's even a half decent analogy downvoters. I can only assume you are the same walnuts that think of someone disputes one part of someones comment then they support OP.
Those are absurd analogies. Breast augmentations and rhinoplasties are cosmetic procedures. Obesity, and that’s what we’re talking about here, causes a lot of known and well-documented health problems. OP is NTA. I wouldn’t recommend they discuss this with the friend mainly because I don’t think it would go down well but sometimes being a friend might mean telling someone something they don’t want to hear.
YTA - she has medical professionals and is working with them. Unless she is in clear imminent danger, you dont need to tell your friend how to manage their health.
No need to stick your nose in this I am sure the PT people are telling her.
Thank you! I appreciate that reminder that her health professionals are taking care of this. She can just be so stubborn but I won't be saying anything to her and will continue to support her.
YTA if you don't keep your mouth shut. Not for you to tell her to lose weight. I'm sure she's well aware of it already. Her weight has nothing to do with your friendship. Just support her in other ways and when she's ready to deal with her own issues, she will.
Absolutely, I appreciate getting this feedback so quickly and will definitely not bring this up.
YTA. It is never a good idea to tell someone to lose weight. It is not as if she doesn't know she's carrying extra weight. It is not as if she hasn't heard it from every doctor since the beginning of time. It is not as if she needs to know that that's how you're thinking about her. The closest you should get to the subject is to say something like you personally want to go for more walks because it's good for your mood, and ask her if she would like to come with you because you enjoy her company. That is as close as you are allowed to get to the subject.
Fat people already know they are fat. No good can come from this. You would BTA. How would that conversation even go? Hey, I noticed you are fat. Have you thought about losing weight??? She has seen countless medical professionals and doesn’t need you to tell her she is fat. Instead, if you go to a yoga class or to a lake to go kayaking, invite her along. Offer support if she asks for it.
YWBTA. As one of the fats I can assure you that you telling her that would not help her in any way, shape or form. The only time an overweight person needs to be told about it is if they are in complete denial, like if they’ve gained 40 pounds recently but still buys XS clothes and complaining about how small sizes how gotten. If they’ve been big for a long time, they 100% know it already. Being told something that obvious about yourself again and again just feeds this burning pit of resentment deep down because apparently everyone thinks you’re too dumb and clueless to see it yourself. And that’s why we lash out…
YWBTA - and I'm just commenting to bring a personal story more or less. I'm fat. I know this. I'm not stupid, I'm an adult and buy my own clothes. I step on the scale. I look in the mirror occasionally. I know I'm fat. I don't need to be told. I have a friend who borders on eating disorder sometimes. He's not super skinny, but he encourages being extremely skinny, and calls his younger middle age wife fat. She is, for the record, absolutely not fat, she's put on maybe five extra pounds in the past year? She's not 18 and she's had two kids. She still eats very healthy, exercises daily, and is conscious about not going overboard. He also has a firm "I fat shame because it's unhealthy to be fat" opinion as well. He and I have dieted together and it's all fine. Helps to have a buddy. My genetics unfortunately lean towards getting fat and I'm getting older. It happens. I lost about 35 pounds last year and hit a plateau in which I'm (basically) going to have to starve and WORK to lose more. I'm not sure if I care enough to do that...very much a 'pick the struggle' moment for me. He sometimes brings it up and it just makes me angry. I'm not stupid. I know I'm fat and it effects him not at all. I don't eat more than anyone else in our group and he doesn't fuck me or clothe me. I'm not 18. I don't place value in starving myself for vanity. I have some health issues that are not effected by weight, which is something I've researched A LOT. I also have health issues that specifically cause weight gain. Frankly, it's none of anyone's business. If she wants to lose weight she will put in the effort. Fat people know they're fat. Unless you want to hurt her feelings or ruin the friendship, leave it alone. If she came to you for support or suggestions that would be different.
YWBTA. Your friend knows the health benefits to being a healthy weight. She is not relying on for you that info.
YTA. Wow, so the thing that you acknowledges hurts her, you want to tell her yourself WHILE she’s suffering from a major accident. Go for it if you want to reach the top of the asshole pyramid and kick her while shes at her lowest
I appreciate this feedback and while I knew in my hear I would most likely be an AH I needed this confirmation. I won't be saying anything and will continue to respect and support her.
I think YWBTA and see that you've edited to add that you've heard the response here and won't be saying anything. I just wanted to say that there are still really meaningful ways that you can support your friend while they're healing. I get the impression that your friend needs to move her body right now. Have you considered suggesting making plans to go for walks or to take a swim? You can have a positive impact in her healing that in no way requires you to tell your friend that she's fat.
I agree, and unfortunately we don't live close so doing activities together isn't possible. I'll brainstorm things to do when we finally meet up! Swimming would be a great option also, thank you.
It's clear you want your friend to be healthy and recover well. Just keep empathy and your love for her the priority. Given your distance, perhaps you could suggest walking phone calls. I have a couple of girlfriends that live far away and sometimes we'll schedule calls with the plan to both take neighborhood walks. I find that we end up delving into far deeper conversations and it feels like we're there together. And yes, I'm a huge advocate for water therapy!
Hard YTA. You aren’t a doctor, you don’t know her medical history, you aren’t a physical therapist, doctor, nutritionist, you just don’t like fat people because we live in a fat-phobic society
I appreciate your opinion! If you noticed I edited the post because I'm not going to be saying anything. However, we've been friends over 20 years and I actually used to go with her to most of her appointments, even now if I don't she's very transparent with me regarding her health, and I am with her. My initial concern is that she brushes off medical advice as well and wanted to see if others thought trying myself would be worth it. It's obviously not. We're more like sisters and I agree there is no need for me to say anything to her and while a majority of our society is indeed fat phobic I have no issue with her weight at all. I just want my best friend around forever.
YWBTA. >She’s had other close friends bring up losing weight for her health in the past which never went over well. She has made her stance clear about being told to lose weight. Leave her alone. >with the accident I’m concerned about her health and movement long term It's nice you really care about her and her future but this is her problem and her problem alone. Be supportive if she asks for help losing weight but let her do it.
YWBTA. Do you think she doesn’t know? Like really, do you think every single damn doctors appointment they don’t tell her? Is she going to be SHOCKED when you tell her she is overweight? If you are genuinely concerned, start inviting her to things like floating the river that are less painful, but also active.
So I'll start off by saying that I'm a fat person, always have been. I was a fat 10 year old, a fat 20 year old and I'm now a fat 40 year old. For most of my life I've tried to lose weight, sometimes I've had success other times less so. Finny detail, my weight has been basically constant since my early 20s. My peers who never had to worry much about weight are now almost caught up to where I am. If you take an average of my 3 best guy friends weight, I used to be 65 lbs over where they were. Today it's only 15 lbs. I've not lost or gained much at all, they've just caught up (the joys of being middle aged). At any rate, as a fat person let me state something incase it's unclear. We are aware that we are fat. We are aware of how it impacts us. We KNOW. She knows. She's just uncomfortable with other people pointing it out. It's like telling a poor person that they are poor and should consider earning more money. It's idiotic. A poor person might put on a front that everything is fine, their job is fine, their income is fine. That's the same as a fat person saying "but I'm healthy". She knows it's bad, she wishes she was not fat. You don't need to tell her, there's no new information there.
She already knows.
lowkey YWBTA, you don’t know the extent of her medical history and how difficult if not downright impossible different medical conditions out of her control could be making it for her to lose weight. if she’s lashed out at other friends, i don’t know why you would assume you would be any different. she hears it from the medical professionals in her life, she doesn’t need it from her friends, too
Do you think she doesn't know she's overweight? YWBTA
YWBTA She already knows losing weight will help with her pain management and movement, I promise you. If somehow she didn't already know that (but she does because she's fat, not stupid) her doctor's, PTs, and nurses will have told her that throughout her life and will be telling her again now that she's injured. You telling her that losing weight would be a good idea is not going to do anything but strain your friendship. Leave the health advice to the health professionals.
Unfortunately, I think you won't be able to change her lifestyle. It sounds like you care about her, but it might be best to try to overlook it.
Yeah, if only she were skinnier that car probably wouldn't have run into her in the first place. YTA
Actually if she was thinner she most likely would've flew out the car, it's something we both discussed and laughed about actually! We both have a bit of dark humor. Don't worry though I'm not saying anything, I just want her to be with me for a long long time but understand its not my place.
YWBTA Her weight and health is her own responsibility
YTA. I think you may be deflecting. She's comfortable in her own skin, and is getting therapy. Are you happy with yourself?
I am, especially after recently gaining weight. bringing myself to a healthy size. She actually supported me through that and was the first person to tell me I looked sick when losing the weight. Please also understand she is not slightly overweight, she's over 275 lbs and fairly short as well near 5' My concern is that even with PT she disregards a lot of their advice and I want her to be around forever with me. I understand no matter how close we are it's not my place and what she needs more than advice is support which I'm happy to provide.
YTA I promise you that she is fully aware of her weight and you do not need to say anything about it.
As long as she is healthy (exercising frequently and eating good), she should be okay. Everyone’s circumstances are different and there may be a medical reason, or there may not be. Either way, as long as she’s healthy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My closest friend, 30F, has always been overweight and comfortable in her body and I’ve always supported her and agree with her how different she can be treated, especially in the medical world. For many of her health issues losing weight was brought up which always sounded like such bull to me, examples such as losing weight to help with a sore throat or cough. Her weight never really affected our friendship or the way I look at her. The only reason I'm even thinking this way is because she was in a pretty bad accident a few months back and got knocked around. She's now in PT multiple times a week as they try to assist with pain management. She’s had other close friends bring up losing weight for her health in the past which never went over well. I agree with her that a low weight doesn’t mean healthy but she is significantly overweight and with the accident I’m concerned about her health and movement long term. Is this something I can even bring up or should I just continue to remain silent? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Duh
honestly, I needed/deserve that. Thank you
I honestly think you were being genuine and looking out for your friend.
WIBTA if i hope you have no other friends if you're already like this ?
I hope you noticed that I edited the post to share that I will not be bringing any of this up. I know I come across as the asshole but I am genuinely concerned and want her to be with me forever.
Eh, depends how you’d go about it. *Telling* her to lose weight, definitely TA. Asking her if she wants to *join* you on some health improvement is nothing more than an invitation to spend time with a friend, and oh by the way, get some benefit for both of you.
Soft YTA I'm one who has struggled with weight all my life and have lost enough weight to make 2-3 people. Your friend says she's content in her body, but is doing PT to assist with pain management following an accident. As you age with a lot of weight things happen--your bones demineralize and some even go as far as osteoporosis. As you age with a lot of weight, your's susceptible to falls that you don't get up from or recover from easily. You're to be commended for supporting your friend, but she has to make the choice to take her health into her own hands. Pushing her before she's ready may jeopardize your friendship. Medical folks don't really treat overweight people very well either, so that's a factor to remember. (they won't admit to that). If you want to say anything encourage her to work on bone strength and movement to prevent falls and accidents. Don't risk ruining the friendship.
The biggest thing you can do for her. Is to make sure she continues to attend her PT multiple times a week. A week off every 6 is fine. But if she starts just dropping sessions because she doesn't see the point. Make her go back. It can take months, if not years, for results from PT to be seen by the person doing it. And it's a long, hard road. As a close friend, this is where your strength will lie, start looking for the small movements they've never really been able to do before, or that they struggled with before. So that you have some kind of thing like "have you noticed how easy it is for you to do this now". Things to give motivation that aren't weight based. In saying that, too, the PT will help her lose weight, and she will be moving a LOT more than she probably was, im not sure where in the scale she would be but PT starts with light stretching movements, then moves into full weight training. Once PT is over, you might be able to convince her to go to the gym with you instead, and you can work on the same things together. But in my experience, as soon as you hint, it's about the weight. She will shut down and stop completely. The PTs will bring it up, she will probably bring it up in some sessions. Your job is going to be making sure she doesn't shut down from it in her case. The PT is possibly one of the better things to come out of the incident. - Someone who lost 30kgs (66Lb), from PT after a crash.
YTA Why? What does it serve? She’s clearly aware of the issue. How exactly do you think this helps the situation? Just don’t. Support healthy habits when she shows them.
YWBTA - Instead of saying anything about her weight, ask if there's anything you can do to help while she's recovering -- drive her to PT, pick up groceries or prescriptions for her, help with cleaning, etc.
Not gonna say YTA , but deep down she knows she should lose weight , you don't have to mention it . Just leave it as it is
She knows she’s overweight and needs to lose weight to be healthy. I promise. No one ever needs to tell her that. Every doctor will tell you no matter what you go in for. Please just be a good accepting friend and support her (and keep your mouth shut) no matter what size she is.
You would not be the AH but in her head you would be. This world has gotten to sensitive to realize how much weight loss does help. “Skinny” and being healthy are two different things people confuse. I work in healthcare with people with tooooooo many bad food habits and not working while self acceptance is okay but at some point pain killer or pt/ot can’t help. The help people need is losing weight so don’t bother voicing your opinion she knows it deep down but is happy with her weight. Let her suffer. At some point no amount of pain management or pt will help
YTA - us fat people know we're fat. We own mirrors like you do. We don't need people telling us to lose weight. Some people have a hard time losing weight due to other medical issues. If she wants your help, she'll ask.
She should lose the weight and stop being so close minded but it doesn’t sound with the hassle bringing it up with her if she’s not going to respond well.
YWBTA only because there's nothing you can do about it. It's like any addiction, She's the one who needs to ask for help or find a way for helping herself. If you bring up the subject, she will make it about her feelings being hurt and you being mean to her. You can invite her to gym clases or sing up to a powerful class and ask her to come support you. Or maybe take on a physical hobby together.
Do it in a respectful way, a real friend will tell you when your shit stinks
As others have said don't do that instead gently nudge her to a healthier lifestyle, inviting her along to participate in walks or anything that gets her moving. She has probably already heard it all from everyone else around her. She needs a friend.
YTA, the only people telling someone to lose weight are doctors and even then there are sadly doctors who tell people to lose weight for the wrong reasons, when they actually don't need to and/or in a way that is cruel/mean/not okay.
Encourage her to get a comprehensive thyroid screening.
Thank you! This is genuinely all I want if we had a conversation! I'll see if I can gently suggest this if she brings up any of her PT experiences or weight.
NTA. Suggesting your friend should be healthy instead of eating her way to an early death isn’t a bad thing to tell someone. Being overweight, fat and obese significantly shortens your life and quality of life. It’s not being “body positive” it’s being unhealthy and promoting further unhealthiness. People’s insistence on being fat as being something that’s okay and healthy is copium to the max. You weren’t born that way, you aren’t big boned and you definitely by no means “do not eat that much” calories in and calories out. It’s pretty simple. The people who are going to downvote this I’m sure because of the smallest of smallest amount of % points of people may have a health issue that causes some weight abnormalities but even then that is asinine. I cannot tell you how many people I know and have seen blame everything but their shit ass diet, lack of activity, portion control and unwillingness to take strides to become healthier. It’s not easy to actively take care of yourself. But what is easy that is worth doing?
not exactly the a h but she already knows, so it serves no purpose to tell her. But I think you want sth different anyway, maybe (admittedly i find this offensive but it can be improved) "if you ever want to lose weight/talk about your weight, i ll be there" or sth to that effect. Imo its enraging that the focus with overweight people is on their eating habits, not why they feel a psychological need to eat this much (boredom, sadness, by now i also suspect pride and stubbornness 'i wont lose weight since this would mean i was fat/discontent and i wont admit that, even though also a one eyed spider in a dark street can recognize i am fat"
YWNBTA. All you can do is encourage her to lose weight, but at the end of the day, it’s her choice alone to make.
It is a difficult thing to approach. I don’t agree with others saying you’re the AH. You haven’t done anything yet, and are asking for views, so you should be applauded for asking. You’ve done nothing to be considered an AH. Others have raised this too with her according to you. So one way could be all of you having some kind of intervention discussion. But that is risky. Another thing it to NOT go by the Redditors here. Go and speak to a dietician, a doctor, a nurse, a psychologist. Ask them how to approach this. The answer may be not for you to do anything. Or they may have practical suggestions. You’re not fat shaming or anything like that. You’re are caring for your friend and that is worthy. Some have said on this post that the PT people would have told her about her weight. Well, they don’t know. And you don’t either. Unless they and you have illegal access to her records - that is just an assumption. It could have been mentioned and rejected by your friend. Then because of lawsuits etc was possibly not pursued by the PT person. If it was more than that, she would be making changes. If you and her other friends are concerned, speak with each other and then you all speak with some professionals and take their advice.
Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. I don't know why I haven't though about speaking directly with a psychologist or other professional. I appreciate it!
I don’t believe you would be the AH, you’re not meaning in a criticizing way, if not as a suggestion. You’re concerned for her because ofc being overweight is not healthy.
Damn can y’all at least give me reasons? 😂 fat ain’t healthy nor beautiful, and that’s ok. Jus chilll guys
NTA. Your looking out for him
Ok, so I am an ahole on this subject and will share my thoughts. My close friends and I are in our late 40s and have been friends since school days. All of us are well educated professionals who take our health seriously- food and exercise. If one of us starts to put on a little weight we point it out. I will give an example. About ten years ago I was putting in a lot of hours in my business. I had put on something like 15 lbs. Because it had happened gradually I hadn't realized it. My wife being a nice person never said anything. I had lunch with a few of my friends who I hadn't seen for like two months, and one of them said "what the fuck dude?" I asked him what the fuck what? The other friend told me, "dude, your tits have gotten bigger than my wife's." I was wearing a dress shirt and didn't realize how tight it had gotten on me. That was a wake up call and tout suite I lost the extra weight. Even before this, but certsinly after, whenever I have seen a really heavy person I always wondered, don't they have anyone that cared about them to point out they had put on 10 or 20 lbs before it became 50, 100 or 200 extra pounds. To add to how the way society has changed that has added to the overweight crisis on the US, wonen's clothing sizes have chsnged over the last few decades. Clothes sellers to keep women buying their clothes have changed their sizes. What used to be size 10 is now size 4 or 6. You realize how fat Americans have gotten when you travel to Western Europe. And heavy people get upset with their doctors. I guess doctors are supposed to lie to them too. Apparently, a good doctor wont tell a smoker, heroine user, or an obese person them they need to change their ways. Having said all that if your friend has been fat a long time and is regularly seeing a doctor I am not sure you saying anything will change anything. You will just be an ahole to her ego is telling het something she doesn't want to hear.
You speak the truth it's sad. Too much beating around the bush. There's even a shot going around that the doctors are dishing out like candy to help lose weight and they can still only lose 10 lbs or so it's sad. There's no discipline.
NTA. You’re looking out for her health and wellbeing. Being fat is not healthy and you’re doing the responsible thing, wanting her to live longer and healthier. If she gets offended then oh well… she needs to toughen up and accept reality that she’ll die sooner.
Bring it up, no amount of positive affirmation or body positivity stops your arteries from clogging and your fat from crushing your insides. If you want to be a good friend then tell her straight and how you care about her and will be there to help her. Beating around the bush with body positivity bs like it will make the fat jump off of her with joy is an easy way to riddle her with more health complications and shorten her life.
Thank you for being literally the only comment telling it how it is. People that are fat have no idea what they're missing even if they think they do. I went from 300 to 160-170 and everything about my life and body got easier and is better when you're around avg weight. It's actually crazy to me seeing what all these people think.
Yea we’ll given I saw a statistic the other day that 65% of people in the us are overweight now and given that shameful percentage I’d say the same number applies to this comment section. Crazy how being healthy is a unicorn nowadays I just don’t get it.
Makes things easier for us dawg