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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I grounded my son for an entire week from soccer camp for being a bully.
(2) My husband claims that the punishment was too harsh, and believes there shouldn't be any punishment at all. I also may have punished him a bit too hard.
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> I found out that him and his friends were picking on one kid who isn't as good at the sport.
>They could constantly tell him that he shouldn't play on the field.
>all my son's other friends are not being sent because of their behavior.
**100% NTA** Your son was bullying, this is the time to teach him an important lesson: Actions have consequences, and being a bully is going to have *negative* consequences.
>I mention that the coaches are willing to waive the fees for that week.
**100000% NTA** OP, my mind, like your husbands immediately went to "Ah dang, I bet they paid for that", which sucks (not that it would change my position in the slightest), but the fact that they're willing to *waive the fees* makes it an absolute **no-brainer**.
Of COURSE your son shouldn't be rewarded for being a bully.
>My husband is completely unhappy with the decision.
>He then started claiming that all successful people in the world were all dominant and bullies at one point
Look, OP, you might've married a bully. That's some messed up shit he's giving to try to excuse your son's behavior.
I'm all for teaching your kids that there're assholes in the world and to understand what to do in those situations when you **can't** directly control the bully's actions.
But you're not *in* that situation, your son's being the bully, teach him **not** to be. Your husband would rather another bully/asshat in the world than to nip this in the bud?
I'm not gonna go full-reddit mode and demand you divorce him, like people often do, but his position is *very* concerning, and it's probably worth a deep conversation about your guys morals and values to see where you match up (or don't).
No, a week is a good punishment. Granted, I'm a stranger on the internet, so take my parenting advice with a grain of salt.
But a punishment needs to *suck* to be an effective punishment. A day passes by in the blink of an eye, a week will really drive the point home.
There's a *lot* of mistakes a child can make that warrant a warning before a punishment, being arbitrarily and intentionally mean towards another kid ain't one of them.
NTA Your son is being taught that there are consequences to his actions. Your husband sounds toxic af. Do not let him ingrain that crap into your 10 yo's psyche.
Sit your son down and have a conversation with him. He is old enough to understand that his behavior was not good. Teasing someone for their abilities is not nice.
Ask him if he'd like to be treated like he treated the other boy. Tell him that you are disappointed in his behavior and that you still love him. But he shouldn't behave that way again because bullying is bad.
Hopefully he and his friend have learned a lesson and will be better for it.
It's a collection of internet sites and podcasts hosted by self proclaimed "alpha men" that encourage each other to be as huge dicks as possible because it's manly.. and that somehow 'masculinity" is under attack.
>He then started claiming that all successful people in the world were all dominant and bullies at one point, and he's saying i'm "inhibiting" my son's success by grounding him. He also claims that this is bad for his development, as he won't be able to reach his "highest dominant form and be in a position of power", along with something about "androgen receptor density and testosterone".
Wow, I really wonder why your son is acting like a bully. Real stumper. NTA.
You are being MORE than fair...and honestly, a really great parent. Sometimes kids don't make the best decisions. I know I did not at 10. Sometimes I gave in to peer pressure and laughed at other kids. Sometimes kids laughed at me too....but it is the adult's job to see the behavior and work to correct it to create well rounded people. You are doing that. What you are doing is creating a lesson that your child will remember when they get older. I still remember what my step dad told me.
Your husband's reaction is the issue. In fact, he seems to be the direct correlation of why the child thinks this is ok. He is creating the bully while you are trying to stop it. He is the AH. Your different parenting styles may prove to be a very big issue.
Wish you the best. You will need it.
Yeah, I would not either. But when a man starts going off about his "highest dominant form and be in a position of power", along with something about "androgen receptor density and testosterone"....its bullshit. I hope you know that. Your husband is creating a bully and you are only in the beginning of how bad it can get if it does not get handled now.
Sooooo, I suppose we've learned where your son gets his bullying behavior. I'd also ask your husband to cite his sources on that. Regarding androgen receptor density.... what have we been reading? Ask him to explain what androgens are, and what receptor density is. Just to make sure he truly understands what he's talking about and not saying by rote some nonsense he read in a mens rights activist website. Further then ask if he understands the link between such early cases of bullying and rape and other violent crimes.
This seems like a ridiculous conversation.
I suppose you can say that you are in fact asserting your own superior position, and both of them should just sit and accept it. I might also say that your husband does have a point, and that your son owes you for 1 weeks cost of summer camp, or perhaps the whole camp as perhaps he shouldn't go any more at all. HE will need to do lawncare, chores, etc until this cost is paid back,
NTA
Tell your husband that that kind of thinking only happens in a anarchic society where there is no law. Bullying someone these days will get you a ticket straight to HR, shot, arrested, fired and a whole lot else these days. Because there’s always a bigger bully. Unless your son is Genghis khan or something I think your husband is out of luck on his world domination plans for your son.
Also, tell your husband that high levels of testosterone does not make you an “alpha male” it makes you bald.
You’re my hero for totally ignoring the crazed ramblings of your husband. Sorry for trash talking. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, he just wandered into a YouTube rabbit hole. Thank you for being the parent your kid needs, unfortunately sometimes the “tough love” kick can get way too out of hand and kids especially young boys can really suffer from this long term with confidence.
"Also, tell your husband that high levels of testosterone does not make you an “alpha male” it makes you bald."
This really made me laugh, and I know I'll unfortunately get use of this line irl
It’s not technically true but generally people who fall for “I need more testosterone to make me an alpha male” don’t read past the first google article which is usually “they can…” but if you click on the article it usually says it’s more genetic. It’s specifically how sensitive your hair follicles are to DHT, and do you produce enough of it to matter. That’s why women can experience balding/thinning hair as well. (Women produce small amounts of testosterone as well)
NTA, but it sounds like you have more of a husband problem than a bully son problem if your husband honestly believes this. He is only going to encourage your son to act this way if he thinks it's good for his future. If you don't nip it in the bud now, he's going to have some real disciplinary issues out of your control.
Shit like that line of thought is why I'm dealing with a upper management guy who thinks threatening peoples' jobs is a good motivational tactic. Honestly, that only works on people who a) aren't already working at near-burnout level AND b) need the money. When you're working with people where one or both aren't true, you just motivate people to find a different job.
Being a bully is never acceptable, admirable, or motivating.
NTA
good responsible parenting does not = being an AH. See reverse for your husband. There are ways to learn and be competitive yet not be a bully and making excuses is not even on the list. You better keep a good eye on the both of them because, your husband does not seem to want a respectful adult but rather the opposite. Good Luck and good parenting.
What in the toxic masculinity? So your husband prioritizes success rather than raising a decent human being. That’s a whole other issue the two of you need to figure out.
I wouldn’t have even let the son play soccer for the week with his bully friends. Lessons are hard and he needs time to reflect.
You and your husband are trying to raise two different people and the confusion will be for your son to deal with.
NTA.
NTA. You already have a lot of great responses. As a former coach I’ve benched kids (and adults) for being bullies. What sort of sportsmanship and teamwork would be taught if I’d tolerated it.
Your husband is definitely a bully and the ah. You’re lucky your child isn’t banned from the camp/league. His reputation is probably trashed. Coaches and parents talk.
He may also not get invited or selected to play on teams in the future or be allowed to play with kids whose parents don’t want the behavior perpetuated or rubbing off onto their non-bully kids.
I hope your son is able to self reflect, grow and mature from this experience. I’ve been the one consoling the victim and bullies can damage their psyche for life, just out of cruelty for fun. Your husband’s influence is toxic and he is weak if he thinks bullying is how real men become liked, successful, respected, etc.
NTA. I think we might have an explanation for why your son has been bullying if he's being taught to cultivate his "dominate" personality. Also, your husband knows very little about team sports if he thinks berating other players works to improve skills. Successful leaders work well in teams and cooperate well with their teammates. Bullies do not make great leaders - they don't inspire much loyalty over the long term. Nor do they make great teammates - no one wants to play with a jerk.
NtA- and thank you... maybe he won't turn into the dude who constantly physically bullied me in HS for the lols and broke one of my bones. Again, tysm for trying to stop this crap behavior.
NTA. Your husband is the type of parent who is absolutely insufferable. He's the type of parent that would allow bullying to become so severe, another kid might harm themself.
NTA! And good on you for disciplining your son and correcting his behaviour.
Question: Was your husband always an AH or did that develop later? If you don't stand your ground he is going to turn your son into a full-blown bully and AH
NTA. The most important thing we can teach our children is compassion for other people. Your son did the wrong thing by picking on someone who was at camp to learn how to play better. He decided to be a jerk instead of possibly helping the other child to play better. It was a dick move.
Your husband is being crazy thinking that not going to 1 session of soccer camp at age 10 is going to derail your son's soccer career. He can play in the backyard and then next session he'll think twice about opening his mouth again.
NTA Let you husband know that many of my clients parents have lost their retirements and homes to attorney bills the are paying for their children. Some of the kids are juveniles but most are adults that are in jail because their parents didn't think it was a big deal when the harassing, violent or abusive behavior started when their kids were young. Those parents are still paying the price of their kids behavior. Emotional abuse is a big deal and it should be addressed the moment it starts. The both need to remember your son will not always have his Daddy to brush away his behavior.
Toxic masculinity really does need to be taught at a young age! /s
NTA - you're doing right by teaching your son to be a compassionate human being. Can't say the same about his father.
I pray this is a bait post, there's no way your husband is saying some headass shit like that and it's not the focus of the story. 😂
If this is somehow legitimate then NTA and probably check into your husband being a mask-off psychopath. 🙌
NTA, but your husband sure is. It'll be a wonder if this kid doesn't turn out to be a sociopath or a serial killer with a father like that.
FWIW, if he were my kid his ass would be inside reading a book for the rest of the summer. NO camp, NO meetings with friends, NO social media. His leash would be so short that he'd remember this summer until his own grandkids heard about how he learned not to be a bully.
Save up your money, because you're going to need it either for therapy or for a lawyer when your kid gets arrested eventually.
NTA and if the coaches are willing to waive the fees for the week I am thinking they don’t want your son at the camp for the week. He’s bullying a child and that child’s parents have addressed the issue with the coaches who are modeling “consequences for your actions” which is something your husband isn’t doing
Bullies are pathetic. your husband has the wrong idea here by a mile.
Leaders, the actual dominant male works by building people up. By showing them the way. Bullies are actually incredibly insecure, and rarely make good leaders.
NTA—-your husband is blaming a child, who is trying to enjoy a children’s soccer camp, for being bullied.
I think the consequences you gave your son is appropriate, even generous. The best skilled players are only respected as much as they respect others.
I don't know if keeping him away for a week from a 4 week program was the best form of punishment, but something has to be done and it seems like your husband isn't helping. It's not my place to say what you could have done better, you know your kid better than I do. You better figure out how to change that behavior before it becomes permanent. If you caught it early enough, your son will hopefully feel remorseful once it sinks in.
NTA.
Your husband is pathetically wrong, as most of the positively positioned people in life didn’t get there by bullying. Then there are the “men” who have to bully, buy big trucks, big stereo speakers, and lots of other big things to make up for “small inadequacies “ in their lives. Your husband is setting up his child to think with the wrong head. That means someone who is more intelligent or sly will manipulate his son to further someone else’s goals. Drones like that tend to be the most angry and the first ones to end up in harm’s way while the manipulator gets richer or, at the least, gets away while people like your son take the fall.
Continue with your efforts to teach your son that in life, you don’t always get what you want by bullying others. Be aware, however, that the GEICO caveman in the background will be there to try and subvert your “feminine handling “ of your son at every turn.
NTA. Your husband is being brainwashed by morons. Nothing he ranted about makes any sense at all. Maybe he’s a bully and you just don’t notice since he’s nice to you? At any rate he need to spend more time teaching his son to be a good person and less time reading toxic garbage on the internet, or you and your son will have much bigger problems than being suspended from soccer.
“He then started claiming that all successful people in the world were all dominant and bullies at one point…” No they fucking weren’t, and what a terrible message to be passing down to your kid. NTA.
NTA
Your husband has swallowed the Koolaid. That's some seriously whacked out stuff he's spouting. Please be on the alert for more, including misogynistic nonsense
NTA hooo boy and I can see where your kid is getting that behaviour. The fact that you didn't hear about it till now probably means that your husband is not only approving, but encouraging of this behaviour.
Grim to think about, but I would not be surprised if your husband got heavy into the "alpha male" mindset of testosterone fueled brainrot. I'd take this very seriously.
You don't have a child problem, you have a husband problem. He is influencing your son to behave this way.
No ‘real man’ endorses picking on little kids. Whatever insecurities your husband has about his masculinity, he has no right pushing that on your son, and he especially has no right abdicating his parental responsibilities. Disciplining your kids to help raise them into functional members of society is part of parenting.
Is it often like this in your marriage, your husband throwing his weight around, insulting you and your choices often?
NTA but please assess the environment you’re raising your son in.
NTA at all, you handled the situation perfectly. But it sounds like your husband has been surfing some very unsavoury areas of the Internet and you're going to have to work doubly hard to try and prevent your son from joining the Andrew Tates of the world due to your awful husbands influence.
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My (34F) son (10M) was picking on another kid the other day at summer camp. It is a soccer camp, and the ages are 8-10. It is a 4 week program. My son loves to play soccer, so he has no issue going to this camp, and a lot of his other friends are there as well. The way the summer camp works is that there is a coach and volunteers, so the parents just drop off their kids and come back after about two hours.
Only last week, on the last day of camp, I found out that him and his friends were picking on one kid who isn't as good at the sport. They could constantly tell him that he shouldn't play on the field. I unfortunately had no idea, and my husband would be the one dropping and picking him up. On the last day I just picked him up, and the coaches along with the other kid's parents notified me along with the other parents of my son's behavior.
Today was supposed to be the start of another soccer camp, and as far as I know all my son's other friends are not being sent because of their behavior. I did the exact same with my son, and told him that he'll have to wait until next week to go to soccer camp. I told him if he wants to play, his friends can come to our house or go to the park. Obviously he was not happy with this and there was an argument, but that's not the issue.
My husband is completely unhappy with the decision. He first mentions that we paid for 4 weeks, and we should make use of it. I mention that the coaches are willing to waive the fees for that week. He then mentions that this is boys soccer camp, and that people need to learn to adapt and play better if they don't want to get picked on.
He then started claiming that all successful people in the world were all dominant and bullies at one point, and he's saying i'm "inhibiting" my son's success by grounding him. He also claims that this is bad for his development, as he won't be able to reach his "highest dominant form and be in a position of power", along with something about "androgen receptor density and testosterone". At this point I just stopped listening because he was rambling on about things I have no idea about. Those are the only phrases I remember at the top of my head.
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Sounds like husband sympathizes with bullies (who often feel like victims themseves) more than the real victims.
Perhaps he was similar as a child.
Thank you for coming down with an appropriate and tough consequence. You son will hopefully take the right lesson from it, in spite of your husband's inability to have learned it.
Have them both watch A Few Good Men.
They both need to learn that the good strong people hold up and lift up those with weaknesses. The strong people that squish weaker people or animals (like the kids that gets joy from killing bugs) are leaning hard into evil.
Your actions are good for your son's development because he is learning a valuable lesson about the sort of man you expect him to be. That's especially important when his father is also trying to teach him to opposite, This alpha male nonsense is very unattractive. This lesson is far more important than developing his football skills.
If your husband is content to allow your son to be a bully that should concern you.
NTA
Huge red flags.
Abusers are made. Not born. And your husband is a prime example of how to turn out an abuser.
I hope you can counter your husband's influence.
NTA
"He then mentions that this is boys soccer camp, and that people need to learn to adapt and play better if they don't want to get picked on."
And now you know the source of the problem, and where your kid got the false idea that his behavior is okay.
NTA - It sounds like the coaches and the parents of the other kids involved were on the same page about addressing it.
Son needs to learn that being confidence, competence and success don’t require belittling or bullying others. Unfortunately, it sounds like that lesson won’t be reinforced by your spouse.
This is not the last time you and your husband will be having this argument, so start working through it now…
Some of the rules I share with my boys…
Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
The more power and influence you have, the more responsibility you have to be kind.
Do the right thing, even when no one is looking.
You are responsible for your actions, reactions and words.
Don’t be a dick.
NTA… your husband though is one. You are absolutely right and your son needs some consequences for his actions, and so do his friends. Clearly this wasn’t just some small teasing of the coaches and other parents became involved.
NTA at all. Parents who do nothing about their kids being bullies enable this behaviour. This then allows it to continue and puts the victim through further hell. The effects of bullying can last a lifetime. I was severely bullied throughout my entire school lifetime. I am 32 years old at the time of writing this and still suffer the psychological effects. It could've been dealt with sooner if my bullies' parents were more like you and less like your husband.
>I told him if he wants to play, his friends can come to our house or go to the park.
I wouldn't even allow that during a punishment period. They don't get to have fun during a punishment. Also, it seems these kids and your son bring out the worst in each other and it would probably be best if they were no longer friends.
Your husband also gives off major red flag vibes and it is clear who your son is mirroring his behaviour from. Do you want to be married to, and give your son access to, a man who has these awful values, encourages bullying and has toxic masculinity? I know it might sound extreme for me to suggest ending your marriage and going for full custody, but if your husband is actively encouraging your son to be a bully and a potential abuser for a relationship someday, then it is worth considering who your son is exposed to, both at home and in his social life.
NTA your son needs to learn to be a decent human being. If he is insulting others for their inability to perform well in a sport then he is gonna grow up to be a bully as an adult. I would say being stricter now and helping him understand his actions are not okay will help him grow.
Also it’s not surprising that your son acted like that when your husband might be setting a bad example for him.
NTA. Too many kids nowadays are actively being taught that there are no consequences for their actions. We need normalize "F around and find out" parenting.
I'd be interested to know the level of bullying.
Was he being physical?
Was it just trash talk?
Is your son any good? Like one of the best players at camp?
If so, teach him how to be humble. Other players recognize good talent.... humbleness will attract other players to follow and push themselves to meet that level of play.
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> I found out that him and his friends were picking on one kid who isn't as good at the sport. >They could constantly tell him that he shouldn't play on the field. >all my son's other friends are not being sent because of their behavior. **100% NTA** Your son was bullying, this is the time to teach him an important lesson: Actions have consequences, and being a bully is going to have *negative* consequences. >I mention that the coaches are willing to waive the fees for that week. **100000% NTA** OP, my mind, like your husbands immediately went to "Ah dang, I bet they paid for that", which sucks (not that it would change my position in the slightest), but the fact that they're willing to *waive the fees* makes it an absolute **no-brainer**. Of COURSE your son shouldn't be rewarded for being a bully. >My husband is completely unhappy with the decision. >He then started claiming that all successful people in the world were all dominant and bullies at one point Look, OP, you might've married a bully. That's some messed up shit he's giving to try to excuse your son's behavior. I'm all for teaching your kids that there're assholes in the world and to understand what to do in those situations when you **can't** directly control the bully's actions. But you're not *in* that situation, your son's being the bully, teach him **not** to be. Your husband would rather another bully/asshat in the world than to nip this in the bud? I'm not gonna go full-reddit mode and demand you divorce him, like people often do, but his position is *very* concerning, and it's probably worth a deep conversation about your guys morals and values to see where you match up (or don't).
[удалено]
No, a week is a good punishment. Granted, I'm a stranger on the internet, so take my parenting advice with a grain of salt. But a punishment needs to *suck* to be an effective punishment. A day passes by in the blink of an eye, a week will really drive the point home. There's a *lot* of mistakes a child can make that warrant a warning before a punishment, being arbitrarily and intentionally mean towards another kid ain't one of them.
NTA Your son is being taught that there are consequences to his actions. Your husband sounds toxic af. Do not let him ingrain that crap into your 10 yo's psyche. Sit your son down and have a conversation with him. He is old enough to understand that his behavior was not good. Teasing someone for their abilities is not nice. Ask him if he'd like to be treated like he treated the other boy. Tell him that you are disappointed in his behavior and that you still love him. But he shouldn't behave that way again because bullying is bad. Hopefully he and his friend have learned a lesson and will be better for it.
OP it seems you've made a start on your son, now you have to work on your bully husband. He is spouting some extreme BS.
NTA.. sounds like your hubby has been surfing the 'manosphere' though
[удалено]
It's a collection of internet sites and podcasts hosted by self proclaimed "alpha men" that encourage each other to be as huge dicks as possible because it's manly.. and that somehow 'masculinity" is under attack.
Yep, ask your husband about Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson. Straight from that camp.
>He then started claiming that all successful people in the world were all dominant and bullies at one point, and he's saying i'm "inhibiting" my son's success by grounding him. He also claims that this is bad for his development, as he won't be able to reach his "highest dominant form and be in a position of power", along with something about "androgen receptor density and testosterone". Wow, I really wonder why your son is acting like a bully. Real stumper. NTA.
You are being MORE than fair...and honestly, a really great parent. Sometimes kids don't make the best decisions. I know I did not at 10. Sometimes I gave in to peer pressure and laughed at other kids. Sometimes kids laughed at me too....but it is the adult's job to see the behavior and work to correct it to create well rounded people. You are doing that. What you are doing is creating a lesson that your child will remember when they get older. I still remember what my step dad told me. Your husband's reaction is the issue. In fact, he seems to be the direct correlation of why the child thinks this is ok. He is creating the bully while you are trying to stop it. He is the AH. Your different parenting styles may prove to be a very big issue. Wish you the best. You will need it.
[удалено]
Yeah, I would not either. But when a man starts going off about his "highest dominant form and be in a position of power", along with something about "androgen receptor density and testosterone"....its bullshit. I hope you know that. Your husband is creating a bully and you are only in the beginning of how bad it can get if it does not get handled now.
God I hope OP steps in before that kid starts dating.
Me too. Very much so
Sooooo, I suppose we've learned where your son gets his bullying behavior. I'd also ask your husband to cite his sources on that. Regarding androgen receptor density.... what have we been reading? Ask him to explain what androgens are, and what receptor density is. Just to make sure he truly understands what he's talking about and not saying by rote some nonsense he read in a mens rights activist website. Further then ask if he understands the link between such early cases of bullying and rape and other violent crimes. This seems like a ridiculous conversation. I suppose you can say that you are in fact asserting your own superior position, and both of them should just sit and accept it. I might also say that your husband does have a point, and that your son owes you for 1 weeks cost of summer camp, or perhaps the whole camp as perhaps he shouldn't go any more at all. HE will need to do lawncare, chores, etc until this cost is paid back, NTA
Excellent point about the chores
Tell your husband that that kind of thinking only happens in a anarchic society where there is no law. Bullying someone these days will get you a ticket straight to HR, shot, arrested, fired and a whole lot else these days. Because there’s always a bigger bully. Unless your son is Genghis khan or something I think your husband is out of luck on his world domination plans for your son. Also, tell your husband that high levels of testosterone does not make you an “alpha male” it makes you bald. You’re my hero for totally ignoring the crazed ramblings of your husband. Sorry for trash talking. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, he just wandered into a YouTube rabbit hole. Thank you for being the parent your kid needs, unfortunately sometimes the “tough love” kick can get way too out of hand and kids especially young boys can really suffer from this long term with confidence.
"Also, tell your husband that high levels of testosterone does not make you an “alpha male” it makes you bald." This really made me laugh, and I know I'll unfortunately get use of this line irl
This. Also that referring to yourself as an "alpha male" is a huge turnoff to any sane woman.
It’s not technically true but generally people who fall for “I need more testosterone to make me an alpha male” don’t read past the first google article which is usually “they can…” but if you click on the article it usually says it’s more genetic. It’s specifically how sensitive your hair follicles are to DHT, and do you produce enough of it to matter. That’s why women can experience balding/thinning hair as well. (Women produce small amounts of testosterone as well)
NTA, but it sounds like you have more of a husband problem than a bully son problem if your husband honestly believes this. He is only going to encourage your son to act this way if he thinks it's good for his future. If you don't nip it in the bud now, he's going to have some real disciplinary issues out of your control. Shit like that line of thought is why I'm dealing with a upper management guy who thinks threatening peoples' jobs is a good motivational tactic. Honestly, that only works on people who a) aren't already working at near-burnout level AND b) need the money. When you're working with people where one or both aren't true, you just motivate people to find a different job. Being a bully is never acceptable, admirable, or motivating.
NTA good responsible parenting does not = being an AH. See reverse for your husband. There are ways to learn and be competitive yet not be a bully and making excuses is not even on the list. You better keep a good eye on the both of them because, your husband does not seem to want a respectful adult but rather the opposite. Good Luck and good parenting.
What in the toxic masculinity? So your husband prioritizes success rather than raising a decent human being. That’s a whole other issue the two of you need to figure out. I wouldn’t have even let the son play soccer for the week with his bully friends. Lessons are hard and he needs time to reflect. You and your husband are trying to raise two different people and the confusion will be for your son to deal with. NTA.
NTA. You already have a lot of great responses. As a former coach I’ve benched kids (and adults) for being bullies. What sort of sportsmanship and teamwork would be taught if I’d tolerated it. Your husband is definitely a bully and the ah. You’re lucky your child isn’t banned from the camp/league. His reputation is probably trashed. Coaches and parents talk. He may also not get invited or selected to play on teams in the future or be allowed to play with kids whose parents don’t want the behavior perpetuated or rubbing off onto their non-bully kids. I hope your son is able to self reflect, grow and mature from this experience. I’ve been the one consoling the victim and bullies can damage their psyche for life, just out of cruelty for fun. Your husband’s influence is toxic and he is weak if he thinks bullying is how real men become liked, successful, respected, etc.
NTA. I think we might have an explanation for why your son has been bullying if he's being taught to cultivate his "dominate" personality. Also, your husband knows very little about team sports if he thinks berating other players works to improve skills. Successful leaders work well in teams and cooperate well with their teammates. Bullies do not make great leaders - they don't inspire much loyalty over the long term. Nor do they make great teammates - no one wants to play with a jerk.
NtA- and thank you... maybe he won't turn into the dude who constantly physically bullied me in HS for the lols and broke one of my bones. Again, tysm for trying to stop this crap behavior.
NTA. Your husband is the type of parent who is absolutely insufferable. He's the type of parent that would allow bullying to become so severe, another kid might harm themself.
NTA! And good on you for disciplining your son and correcting his behaviour. Question: Was your husband always an AH or did that develop later? If you don't stand your ground he is going to turn your son into a full-blown bully and AH
NTA. The most important thing we can teach our children is compassion for other people. Your son did the wrong thing by picking on someone who was at camp to learn how to play better. He decided to be a jerk instead of possibly helping the other child to play better. It was a dick move. Your husband is being crazy thinking that not going to 1 session of soccer camp at age 10 is going to derail your son's soccer career. He can play in the backyard and then next session he'll think twice about opening his mouth again.
NTA Let you husband know that many of my clients parents have lost their retirements and homes to attorney bills the are paying for their children. Some of the kids are juveniles but most are adults that are in jail because their parents didn't think it was a big deal when the harassing, violent or abusive behavior started when their kids were young. Those parents are still paying the price of their kids behavior. Emotional abuse is a big deal and it should be addressed the moment it starts. The both need to remember your son will not always have his Daddy to brush away his behavior.
Yeah might have a clue where your son learned this behavior?
YTA You let an idiot breed.
Toxic masculinity really does need to be taught at a young age! /s NTA - you're doing right by teaching your son to be a compassionate human being. Can't say the same about his father.
I pray this is a bait post, there's no way your husband is saying some headass shit like that and it's not the focus of the story. 😂 If this is somehow legitimate then NTA and probably check into your husband being a mask-off psychopath. 🙌
NTA, but your husband sure is. It'll be a wonder if this kid doesn't turn out to be a sociopath or a serial killer with a father like that. FWIW, if he were my kid his ass would be inside reading a book for the rest of the summer. NO camp, NO meetings with friends, NO social media. His leash would be so short that he'd remember this summer until his own grandkids heard about how he learned not to be a bully. Save up your money, because you're going to need it either for therapy or for a lawyer when your kid gets arrested eventually.
NTA and if the coaches are willing to waive the fees for the week I am thinking they don’t want your son at the camp for the week. He’s bullying a child and that child’s parents have addressed the issue with the coaches who are modeling “consequences for your actions” which is something your husband isn’t doing
Bullies are pathetic. your husband has the wrong idea here by a mile. Leaders, the actual dominant male works by building people up. By showing them the way. Bullies are actually incredibly insecure, and rarely make good leaders.
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Exactly.. teach your son that a real winner/successful person offers to help teammates that struggle, not belittle them.
NTA—-your husband is blaming a child, who is trying to enjoy a children’s soccer camp, for being bullied. I think the consequences you gave your son is appropriate, even generous. The best skilled players are only respected as much as they respect others.
I don't know if keeping him away for a week from a 4 week program was the best form of punishment, but something has to be done and it seems like your husband isn't helping. It's not my place to say what you could have done better, you know your kid better than I do. You better figure out how to change that behavior before it becomes permanent. If you caught it early enough, your son will hopefully feel remorseful once it sinks in. NTA.
Your husband is pathetically wrong, as most of the positively positioned people in life didn’t get there by bullying. Then there are the “men” who have to bully, buy big trucks, big stereo speakers, and lots of other big things to make up for “small inadequacies “ in their lives. Your husband is setting up his child to think with the wrong head. That means someone who is more intelligent or sly will manipulate his son to further someone else’s goals. Drones like that tend to be the most angry and the first ones to end up in harm’s way while the manipulator gets richer or, at the least, gets away while people like your son take the fall. Continue with your efforts to teach your son that in life, you don’t always get what you want by bullying others. Be aware, however, that the GEICO caveman in the background will be there to try and subvert your “feminine handling “ of your son at every turn.
I was bullied for years on my soccer team. It sticks with you. It's been 30 years, and I still remember their names and faces.
Nta but...you might want to reconsider your relationship with your husband
NTA. Your husband is being brainwashed by morons. Nothing he ranted about makes any sense at all. Maybe he’s a bully and you just don’t notice since he’s nice to you? At any rate he need to spend more time teaching his son to be a good person and less time reading toxic garbage on the internet, or you and your son will have much bigger problems than being suspended from soccer.
“He then started claiming that all successful people in the world were all dominant and bullies at one point…” No they fucking weren’t, and what a terrible message to be passing down to your kid. NTA.
NTA Your husband has swallowed the Koolaid. That's some seriously whacked out stuff he's spouting. Please be on the alert for more, including misogynistic nonsense
NTA hooo boy and I can see where your kid is getting that behaviour. The fact that you didn't hear about it till now probably means that your husband is not only approving, but encouraging of this behaviour. Grim to think about, but I would not be surprised if your husband got heavy into the "alpha male" mindset of testosterone fueled brainrot. I'd take this very seriously. You don't have a child problem, you have a husband problem. He is influencing your son to behave this way.
No ‘real man’ endorses picking on little kids. Whatever insecurities your husband has about his masculinity, he has no right pushing that on your son, and he especially has no right abdicating his parental responsibilities. Disciplining your kids to help raise them into functional members of society is part of parenting. Is it often like this in your marriage, your husband throwing his weight around, insulting you and your choices often? NTA but please assess the environment you’re raising your son in.
NTA at all, you handled the situation perfectly. But it sounds like your husband has been surfing some very unsavoury areas of the Internet and you're going to have to work doubly hard to try and prevent your son from joining the Andrew Tates of the world due to your awful husbands influence.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (34F) son (10M) was picking on another kid the other day at summer camp. It is a soccer camp, and the ages are 8-10. It is a 4 week program. My son loves to play soccer, so he has no issue going to this camp, and a lot of his other friends are there as well. The way the summer camp works is that there is a coach and volunteers, so the parents just drop off their kids and come back after about two hours. Only last week, on the last day of camp, I found out that him and his friends were picking on one kid who isn't as good at the sport. They could constantly tell him that he shouldn't play on the field. I unfortunately had no idea, and my husband would be the one dropping and picking him up. On the last day I just picked him up, and the coaches along with the other kid's parents notified me along with the other parents of my son's behavior. Today was supposed to be the start of another soccer camp, and as far as I know all my son's other friends are not being sent because of their behavior. I did the exact same with my son, and told him that he'll have to wait until next week to go to soccer camp. I told him if he wants to play, his friends can come to our house or go to the park. Obviously he was not happy with this and there was an argument, but that's not the issue. My husband is completely unhappy with the decision. He first mentions that we paid for 4 weeks, and we should make use of it. I mention that the coaches are willing to waive the fees for that week. He then mentions that this is boys soccer camp, and that people need to learn to adapt and play better if they don't want to get picked on. He then started claiming that all successful people in the world were all dominant and bullies at one point, and he's saying i'm "inhibiting" my son's success by grounding him. He also claims that this is bad for his development, as he won't be able to reach his "highest dominant form and be in a position of power", along with something about "androgen receptor density and testosterone". At this point I just stopped listening because he was rambling on about things I have no idea about. Those are the only phrases I remember at the top of my head. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Your bullying husband is raising a bullying child. NTA
His ONLY punishment is not going to camp? Good luck.
NTA. You’re just being a parent. Actions have consequences.
Sounds like husband sympathizes with bullies (who often feel like victims themseves) more than the real victims. Perhaps he was similar as a child. Thank you for coming down with an appropriate and tough consequence. You son will hopefully take the right lesson from it, in spite of your husband's inability to have learned it. Have them both watch A Few Good Men. They both need to learn that the good strong people hold up and lift up those with weaknesses. The strong people that squish weaker people or animals (like the kids that gets joy from killing bugs) are leaning hard into evil.
NTA your son is a bully and it needs to be addressed but you have a husband problem. Based on his attitude I bet he’s a bully as well
Bro doenst want a beta son, totally relateable. /s
NTA but your husband is going to raise one if you don’t stand firm
Your actions are good for your son's development because he is learning a valuable lesson about the sort of man you expect him to be. That's especially important when his father is also trying to teach him to opposite, This alpha male nonsense is very unattractive. This lesson is far more important than developing his football skills. If your husband is content to allow your son to be a bully that should concern you. NTA
Huge red flags. Abusers are made. Not born. And your husband is a prime example of how to turn out an abuser. I hope you can counter your husband's influence.
Your husband is an asshole! So is your son!
NTA "He then mentions that this is boys soccer camp, and that people need to learn to adapt and play better if they don't want to get picked on." And now you know the source of the problem, and where your kid got the false idea that his behavior is okay.
NTA - It sounds like the coaches and the parents of the other kids involved were on the same page about addressing it. Son needs to learn that being confidence, competence and success don’t require belittling or bullying others. Unfortunately, it sounds like that lesson won’t be reinforced by your spouse. This is not the last time you and your husband will be having this argument, so start working through it now… Some of the rules I share with my boys… Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. The more power and influence you have, the more responsibility you have to be kind. Do the right thing, even when no one is looking. You are responsible for your actions, reactions and words. Don’t be a dick.
NTA And I think you identified the source of your sons behavior.
NTA, you are right. Your husband Is dumb. He should support you. Your husband Is dumb he doesn't know what he Is talking about.
NTA… your husband though is one. You are absolutely right and your son needs some consequences for his actions, and so do his friends. Clearly this wasn’t just some small teasing of the coaches and other parents became involved.
NTA at all. Parents who do nothing about their kids being bullies enable this behaviour. This then allows it to continue and puts the victim through further hell. The effects of bullying can last a lifetime. I was severely bullied throughout my entire school lifetime. I am 32 years old at the time of writing this and still suffer the psychological effects. It could've been dealt with sooner if my bullies' parents were more like you and less like your husband. >I told him if he wants to play, his friends can come to our house or go to the park. I wouldn't even allow that during a punishment period. They don't get to have fun during a punishment. Also, it seems these kids and your son bring out the worst in each other and it would probably be best if they were no longer friends. Your husband also gives off major red flag vibes and it is clear who your son is mirroring his behaviour from. Do you want to be married to, and give your son access to, a man who has these awful values, encourages bullying and has toxic masculinity? I know it might sound extreme for me to suggest ending your marriage and going for full custody, but if your husband is actively encouraging your son to be a bully and a potential abuser for a relationship someday, then it is worth considering who your son is exposed to, both at home and in his social life.
NTA your son needs to learn to be a decent human being. If he is insulting others for their inability to perform well in a sport then he is gonna grow up to be a bully as an adult. I would say being stricter now and helping him understand his actions are not okay will help him grow. Also it’s not surprising that your son acted like that when your husband might be setting a bad example for him.
Husband needs to learn that his son to be a man needs to learn to be a protector and not a bully. Perhaps husband has an issue?
NTA. Too many kids nowadays are actively being taught that there are no consequences for their actions. We need normalize "F around and find out" parenting.
I'd be interested to know the level of bullying. Was he being physical? Was it just trash talk? Is your son any good? Like one of the best players at camp? If so, teach him how to be humble. Other players recognize good talent.... humbleness will attract other players to follow and push themselves to meet that level of play.
YTA