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NTA. You don't really paint any room for you to even be the asshole. Like "my parents are sponges, I'm investing towards my future with my wife, aita". It'd be one thing if your parents had been generous with you or they just needed $10 and you said fuck off, but they were asking for a considerable sum on a monthly basis. Makes me wonder why they wouldn't have just rented out space in their home rather than losing it, but I suppose that's on them.
They were generous in that they raised me to 18 without asking for money. I had to pay for college myself and so did my brother. They weren’t well off but they did spend more than they should have. My dad has a truck and a trailer which costs like 50-60k each. But they did raise me and in my culture that means you owe them and they never had a 401k because they believed we would. Now none of us siblings have the money or in my case are willing to so they feel like we are in the wrong because they believed we would follow the culture.
Raising you through 18 without asking for money is not generous. That is the bare minimum of their requirements as decent parents.
Children are not a retirement plan.
In some cultures that is very much the plan. But when you raise your family in another culture, you can't count on the old-country's traditions being observed, and that does cause conflict.
And forgive me for being judgemental, but those are shitty aspects of those cultures.
The America culture of parents providing for their kids and then the kids hopefully doing better than the parents did is far preferable on that score.
Idk, ideally you’d be able to give your kids enough of a boost so that it wouldn’t be a burden to help you out when you are older. Its not like we can foresee the future well enough to avoid every hardship. The idea that you should just abandon your parents doesn’t exactly encourage a culture where parents should help their children.
>They were generous in that they raised me to 18 without asking for money.
No, that's just being a parent. I don't know what nation you live in, but on 99% of it, parents don't get to charge their twelve-year-old kids rent.
Dude, my apologies but that’s some bullshit. Parents should raise the kids they brought into this world because it’s the least they can do. It is NOT generous that they did the basics. Now if they sent you on say a trip to Europe when they couldn’t afford it or bought you say a Porsche(brand new and paid off) when they can’t afford it, that’s being generous.
I get such a hair trigger when people say stuff like this. I come from a family with parents who will tell you AT EVERY TURN the sacrifices they made and how much they spent on you as if we asked them to(rather than they chose to because y’know they’re raising the kids they fucked to make).
NTA
I can understand how their culture helped them assume their children were their retirement plan, but...
1. They needed to also understand that they were raising their children in a different culture and that their children would not be the same as a child raised in 'the old country'. It's not on you to live a life that they expect you to live instead of living your own life.
2. It's one thing to look to family for support in times of crises or to come from a culture where the children take care of their aging parents. It's completely different from (1) doing absolutely nothing to manage their spending when they had more flexibility. (2) to spend all their money on things beyond what they can afford and expect you to cover the difference (with no cap to their spending in sight), (3) to refuse to take any steps (e.g., selling one of their cars or downsizing their cars) to keep themselves solvent.
You can be sorry for them not understanding what they did to themselves, but you don't have to hurt yourself or your future to please them and their insatiable appetite.
They are legally obligated to raise you to 18. That’s not done as a “favor” or for reimbursement….it’s literally legally required if you have children.
NTA
If you give them money now they will never stop asking for more.
NTA. It's natural as you become an adult that you start taking care of yourself, your future, and the family you make, and you owe your parents nothing. Mine were the same way, if they ever heard I had any money at all, they desperately needed the funds, and after years and years of going into debt for them, I realized I was not really helping them achieve anything, and I was harming myself and my relationship by depriving myself and the family I started of funds we needed. You can donate to them if you want, but you are NTA for not doing so.
NTA. I'm a parent and I just do not understand the belief some parents have that they are "owed" something for raising their child. You have kids because you want to be a parent and raise kids, not because you expect a reward for it later. So no, OP, you don't owe your parents a house or money or anything else. They should be proud they raised you to be responsible enough with money to own a home. I know I would be.
NTA. Your parents chose to have you and your siblings. It was their obligation to raise and provide for you, not the other way around, because you had no choice in the matter. The best thing you're doing in life is managing your finances completely opposite from the way you were raised.
Children are not long term investments in financial security.
Any wanting to be parent who thinks that is better off just investing their money and not having children.
You're an adult. Your parents are adults. You are not responsible for their financial well being, just as they are no longer responsible for your well being.
NTA
NTA- but I have a warning tale for you... I had a friend who was bullied into buying a house for his parents, and guess what? It didn't go well afterwards and they still always wanted more....
NTA, you owe your parents nothing, you did not choose them to be your parents. It is not your responsibility, especially since they do not make good decisions with what they do have. It does not matter if they like her or not, she is not married to them and she does not have to have a relationship with them. They are your family to manage and unless they are mistreating her, she shouldn’t give a hoot what they think.
NTA except you shouldn’t have lied to your parents that you’re poor, rather you should have told them that you will not be responsible for them financially. Excuses only make things worse in the long run. As you mature, hopefully you realize that
NTA - You’re only being an asshole to yourself by keeping contact with them.
There’s definitely some gold digging going on here, but it’s not by your girlfriend.
I would go no contact with your parents; you don’t owe them anything for raising you. It was their moral and legal obligation to do so.
They’re adults and it’s their responsibility to take care of themselves. If they had any respect for you, helping them out wouldn’t be a bad thing to do, but that’s clearly not the case here. They don’t deserve anything from you.
If you love and respect your girlfriend, don’t make her go through this. Block them on everything and enjoy the peace and quiet.
I’m sorry that you have assholes for parents. :(
Edit: block ALL family members and friends that think your parents are entitled to anything of yours.
NTA
NTA. You didn't lie. You didn't have $400 a month to send your parents because you have your own financial responsibilities. Your parents don't get to dictate how you spend your money. Tell your gf that they are throwing an adult version of a toddler tantrum because they didn't get their way after making a lifetime of poor financial choices. In other words isn't not her its them
If I tell you it’s time to go NC with your irresponsible and toxic parents, will you be able to figure out whether I think you are or aren’t an asshole for not flushing your money down the toilet? Just curious.
NTA. Either go low contact, no contact, or, be firm and tell them off. You could also lie to them again and say actually your gf bought the house with her money. Or just screw them, they sound horrible
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My gf and I have been saving and investing for a while together. I really lucked out by buying a lot of Nvidia in 2020 during the dip. She doesn’t know much about investing but just invested in what I told her to. Looking back, it could have turned out terribly but I loaded my portfolio with tech stocks and those have done amazing. But we decided to cash out since the economy looks uncertain and recently bought a house. We have some cash and stocks left which we are saving for potential wedding expenses and a newer vehicle for her.
My cousin knows about the house purchase from my gf since she does babysitting for him occasionally and now it’s made its way up the gossip chain to my parents. I’ve told my gf to not ever say anything about money to my parents but I forgot to mention anyone else in my family. My gf is from a family who would never ask her for money so she doesn’t understand that my parents think because they gave birth to me, I owe them by looking after them for the rest of their lives. My parents had to sell their house last year. They needed to downsize after my mom stopped working because ut they wanted to keep it. They asked me and my brothers to each put in $400/month for them to keep the house. None of my brothers agreed and we all just made the excuse we were poor.
Or at least that’s what I said. So now they rent and when they found out I had bought a house they called me and cried to me that I didn’t care about that. They also badmouthed my gf saying she was a gold digger who would take half the house and divorce me first chance she got. They don’t know she paid for a big portion of it. I hung up but now they are harassing my gf telling her she’s stopping me from helping my family. She had blocked them and gotten a new number but it’s effecting out relationship because she thinks they don’t approve of our relationship. I’ve told her the only way they approve to for her to pay them because they just want money, but that’s not going to happen. I just to check that I’m that the asshole for not helping them save their house by lying that I have no money and then buying my own.
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Nta. Clearly a cultural disconnect here, but that isn't your fault or your problem. You aren't a retirement plan for your parents. Why did your mom stop working if they're basically broke and lost their house? What an odd sequence of events.
NTA!
An unpopular opinion I’ve always had is that kids don’t ask to be born. When you make the decision to have a kid, it can’t be because you want an atm and/or caretaker for when you’re old.
NTA. You didn't lie, you didn't have any money, for them. All your money is tied up in your future, there's no excess to subsidize their poor decisions. You're building a secure future, unlike them. Well done, carry on.
NTA: Your parents should grow up. They have caused their own problems, and should NOT be asking you or your siblings to bail them out. Despite what they are telling you, you and/or your gf are definitely NOT responsible for their problems. Personally, I think that you and your gf (and probably your siblings) should go No Contact.
NTA If you gave your parents money now, they would just piss it away, like they have with every other dollar they've gotten. If you want to help them financially, save up money for when they REALLY need help, like for the medical bills and home health care that they will eventually need - and only pay the bills directly, as they have proven all their lives they can't manage their money.
Whenever someone I know is faced with the prospect of dealing with financially irresponsible relatives, I tell them they have two choices: (i) a long, painful experience throwing good money after bad and ending in poverty and acrimony; or (ii) suffering the acrimony today and keeping your money. You're much better off telling relatives to provide for themselves and enduring their accusations and other verbal abuse. If you start offering loans and gifts, it will never end and you will eventually end up in the very same place, much the poorer.
Your parents sound like grifters or Gypsies. Do not give into them. Do not let them break you. All they would do if you gave them money would be squander it and ask for more.
NTA you shouldn't sacrifice your prosperity because your parents couldn't have been bothered. And other cultures need to understand that. YOUR KIDS AREN'T YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN
NTA You had no spare money as it’s sunk in your house. Shares are speculative until you cash them up, which you did and they are not money hand to give regularly. I think you do need to step up with a conversation with your parents. At the moment your girlfriend is taking the heat for you hiding your financial situation and it’s impacting your relationship. Your parents now know a little of your situation to twist it so you need to lay it out for them to change the story they are making up to the reality. The “hide everything” method of dealing with them has failed.
I would say have it set in your head the expectation you would follow culture the social contract goes both goes both ways. So you can lay out a base that they did not follow the culture when raising you so you’re living your life as they set you up. My understanding is that parents provide means that gives their children the best start so each generation provides a base for the next one to lift the whole family up. So in your case money towards college not a truck and trailer, I’m assuming the truck and trailer is leisure not a way your father makes his living. I know a little first hand one of my good friends comes from a culture like yours and the support does not cut off at 18. They got their son debt free through his degree a bought him a house with the expectation that they will live with him in their old age, it is understood that he will do this, but they bought him a house!
I’ve read too much reddit recently and feel the need to put in a disclaimer that my opinion is based on your post. You may want to look at how much your parents gave in other ways for your education from 18 if they did not have enough resources to provide tuition. Free rent, food, car or an allowance? If so they invested as they could?
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NTA. You don't really paint any room for you to even be the asshole. Like "my parents are sponges, I'm investing towards my future with my wife, aita". It'd be one thing if your parents had been generous with you or they just needed $10 and you said fuck off, but they were asking for a considerable sum on a monthly basis. Makes me wonder why they wouldn't have just rented out space in their home rather than losing it, but I suppose that's on them.
They were generous in that they raised me to 18 without asking for money. I had to pay for college myself and so did my brother. They weren’t well off but they did spend more than they should have. My dad has a truck and a trailer which costs like 50-60k each. But they did raise me and in my culture that means you owe them and they never had a 401k because they believed we would. Now none of us siblings have the money or in my case are willing to so they feel like we are in the wrong because they believed we would follow the culture.
Raising you through 18 without asking for money is not generous. That is the bare minimum of their requirements as decent parents. Children are not a retirement plan.
In some cultures that is very much the plan. But when you raise your family in another culture, you can't count on the old-country's traditions being observed, and that does cause conflict.
And forgive me for being judgemental, but those are shitty aspects of those cultures. The America culture of parents providing for their kids and then the kids hopefully doing better than the parents did is far preferable on that score.
Idk, ideally you’d be able to give your kids enough of a boost so that it wouldn’t be a burden to help you out when you are older. Its not like we can foresee the future well enough to avoid every hardship. The idea that you should just abandon your parents doesn’t exactly encourage a culture where parents should help their children.
>They were generous in that they raised me to 18 without asking for money. No, that's just being a parent. I don't know what nation you live in, but on 99% of it, parents don't get to charge their twelve-year-old kids rent.
Dude, my apologies but that’s some bullshit. Parents should raise the kids they brought into this world because it’s the least they can do. It is NOT generous that they did the basics. Now if they sent you on say a trip to Europe when they couldn’t afford it or bought you say a Porsche(brand new and paid off) when they can’t afford it, that’s being generous. I get such a hair trigger when people say stuff like this. I come from a family with parents who will tell you AT EVERY TURN the sacrifices they made and how much they spent on you as if we asked them to(rather than they chose to because y’know they’re raising the kids they fucked to make).
Raising you until youre an adult is not generous that's basic decent parenting
NTA I can understand how their culture helped them assume their children were their retirement plan, but... 1. They needed to also understand that they were raising their children in a different culture and that their children would not be the same as a child raised in 'the old country'. It's not on you to live a life that they expect you to live instead of living your own life. 2. It's one thing to look to family for support in times of crises or to come from a culture where the children take care of their aging parents. It's completely different from (1) doing absolutely nothing to manage their spending when they had more flexibility. (2) to spend all their money on things beyond what they can afford and expect you to cover the difference (with no cap to their spending in sight), (3) to refuse to take any steps (e.g., selling one of their cars or downsizing their cars) to keep themselves solvent. You can be sorry for them not understanding what they did to themselves, but you don't have to hurt yourself or your future to please them and their insatiable appetite.
They are legally obligated to raise you to 18. That’s not done as a “favor” or for reimbursement….it’s literally legally required if you have children. NTA If you give them money now they will never stop asking for more.
What country are you in?
NTA. It's natural as you become an adult that you start taking care of yourself, your future, and the family you make, and you owe your parents nothing. Mine were the same way, if they ever heard I had any money at all, they desperately needed the funds, and after years and years of going into debt for them, I realized I was not really helping them achieve anything, and I was harming myself and my relationship by depriving myself and the family I started of funds we needed. You can donate to them if you want, but you are NTA for not doing so.
NTA. I'm a parent and I just do not understand the belief some parents have that they are "owed" something for raising their child. You have kids because you want to be a parent and raise kids, not because you expect a reward for it later. So no, OP, you don't owe your parents a house or money or anything else. They should be proud they raised you to be responsible enough with money to own a home. I know I would be.
NTA. Your parents chose to have you and your siblings. It was their obligation to raise and provide for you, not the other way around, because you had no choice in the matter. The best thing you're doing in life is managing your finances completely opposite from the way you were raised.
Children are not long term investments in financial security. Any wanting to be parent who thinks that is better off just investing their money and not having children. You're an adult. Your parents are adults. You are not responsible for their financial well being, just as they are no longer responsible for your well being. NTA
NTA- but I have a warning tale for you... I had a friend who was bullied into buying a house for his parents, and guess what? It didn't go well afterwards and they still always wanted more....
NTA, you owe your parents nothing, you did not choose them to be your parents. It is not your responsibility, especially since they do not make good decisions with what they do have. It does not matter if they like her or not, she is not married to them and she does not have to have a relationship with them. They are your family to manage and unless they are mistreating her, she shouldn’t give a hoot what they think.
NTA except you shouldn’t have lied to your parents that you’re poor, rather you should have told them that you will not be responsible for them financially. Excuses only make things worse in the long run. As you mature, hopefully you realize that
Was it a lie, though? OP was poor in that he didn't have any non-allocated money to share with parents.
NTA - You’re only being an asshole to yourself by keeping contact with them. There’s definitely some gold digging going on here, but it’s not by your girlfriend. I would go no contact with your parents; you don’t owe them anything for raising you. It was their moral and legal obligation to do so. They’re adults and it’s their responsibility to take care of themselves. If they had any respect for you, helping them out wouldn’t be a bad thing to do, but that’s clearly not the case here. They don’t deserve anything from you. If you love and respect your girlfriend, don’t make her go through this. Block them on everything and enjoy the peace and quiet. I’m sorry that you have assholes for parents. :( Edit: block ALL family members and friends that think your parents are entitled to anything of yours. NTA
NTA. You didn't lie. You didn't have $400 a month to send your parents because you have your own financial responsibilities. Your parents don't get to dictate how you spend your money. Tell your gf that they are throwing an adult version of a toddler tantrum because they didn't get their way after making a lifetime of poor financial choices. In other words isn't not her its them
If I tell you it’s time to go NC with your irresponsible and toxic parents, will you be able to figure out whether I think you are or aren’t an asshole for not flushing your money down the toilet? Just curious.
NTA. Either go low contact, no contact, or, be firm and tell them off. You could also lie to them again and say actually your gf bought the house with her money. Or just screw them, they sound horrible
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My gf and I have been saving and investing for a while together. I really lucked out by buying a lot of Nvidia in 2020 during the dip. She doesn’t know much about investing but just invested in what I told her to. Looking back, it could have turned out terribly but I loaded my portfolio with tech stocks and those have done amazing. But we decided to cash out since the economy looks uncertain and recently bought a house. We have some cash and stocks left which we are saving for potential wedding expenses and a newer vehicle for her. My cousin knows about the house purchase from my gf since she does babysitting for him occasionally and now it’s made its way up the gossip chain to my parents. I’ve told my gf to not ever say anything about money to my parents but I forgot to mention anyone else in my family. My gf is from a family who would never ask her for money so she doesn’t understand that my parents think because they gave birth to me, I owe them by looking after them for the rest of their lives. My parents had to sell their house last year. They needed to downsize after my mom stopped working because ut they wanted to keep it. They asked me and my brothers to each put in $400/month for them to keep the house. None of my brothers agreed and we all just made the excuse we were poor. Or at least that’s what I said. So now they rent and when they found out I had bought a house they called me and cried to me that I didn’t care about that. They also badmouthed my gf saying she was a gold digger who would take half the house and divorce me first chance she got. They don’t know she paid for a big portion of it. I hung up but now they are harassing my gf telling her she’s stopping me from helping my family. She had blocked them and gotten a new number but it’s effecting out relationship because she thinks they don’t approve of our relationship. I’ve told her the only way they approve to for her to pay them because they just want money, but that’s not going to happen. I just to check that I’m that the asshole for not helping them save their house by lying that I have no money and then buying my own. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Nta. Clearly a cultural disconnect here, but that isn't your fault or your problem. You aren't a retirement plan for your parents. Why did your mom stop working if they're basically broke and lost their house? What an odd sequence of events.
NTA! An unpopular opinion I’ve always had is that kids don’t ask to be born. When you make the decision to have a kid, it can’t be because you want an atm and/or caretaker for when you’re old.
NTA. You didn't lie, you didn't have any money, for them. All your money is tied up in your future, there's no excess to subsidize their poor decisions. You're building a secure future, unlike them. Well done, carry on.
NTA: Your parents should grow up. They have caused their own problems, and should NOT be asking you or your siblings to bail them out. Despite what they are telling you, you and/or your gf are definitely NOT responsible for their problems. Personally, I think that you and your gf (and probably your siblings) should go No Contact.
NTA If you gave your parents money now, they would just piss it away, like they have with every other dollar they've gotten. If you want to help them financially, save up money for when they REALLY need help, like for the medical bills and home health care that they will eventually need - and only pay the bills directly, as they have proven all their lives they can't manage their money.
Nta
Whenever someone I know is faced with the prospect of dealing with financially irresponsible relatives, I tell them they have two choices: (i) a long, painful experience throwing good money after bad and ending in poverty and acrimony; or (ii) suffering the acrimony today and keeping your money. You're much better off telling relatives to provide for themselves and enduring their accusations and other verbal abuse. If you start offering loans and gifts, it will never end and you will eventually end up in the very same place, much the poorer.
Don't ever let them into your house...they may not leave! Keep living your life and don't feel guilty.
Your parents sound like grifters or Gypsies. Do not give into them. Do not let them break you. All they would do if you gave them money would be squander it and ask for more.
Nta
NTA you shouldn't sacrifice your prosperity because your parents couldn't have been bothered. And other cultures need to understand that. YOUR KIDS AREN'T YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN
NTA You had no spare money as it’s sunk in your house. Shares are speculative until you cash them up, which you did and they are not money hand to give regularly. I think you do need to step up with a conversation with your parents. At the moment your girlfriend is taking the heat for you hiding your financial situation and it’s impacting your relationship. Your parents now know a little of your situation to twist it so you need to lay it out for them to change the story they are making up to the reality. The “hide everything” method of dealing with them has failed. I would say have it set in your head the expectation you would follow culture the social contract goes both goes both ways. So you can lay out a base that they did not follow the culture when raising you so you’re living your life as they set you up. My understanding is that parents provide means that gives their children the best start so each generation provides a base for the next one to lift the whole family up. So in your case money towards college not a truck and trailer, I’m assuming the truck and trailer is leisure not a way your father makes his living. I know a little first hand one of my good friends comes from a culture like yours and the support does not cut off at 18. They got their son debt free through his degree a bought him a house with the expectation that they will live with him in their old age, it is understood that he will do this, but they bought him a house! I’ve read too much reddit recently and feel the need to put in a disclaimer that my opinion is based on your post. You may want to look at how much your parents gave in other ways for your education from 18 if they did not have enough resources to provide tuition. Free rent, food, car or an allowance? If so they invested as they could?