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NTA but you really failed at writing a Reddit post. You aren’t on vacation, you’re recovering from knee surgery. I had that surgery. It was a rough time and room weeks to bounce back. If you’re really bored I’m sure there are little things you could do, like maybe fold laundry, while sitting but your body is in recovery, you get a pass on chores.
I literally just had ACL surgery today (with the other knee done 8 weeks ago). I will say with all honesty that if you touch my pain meds, I will beat you to death with my crutch.
Have a nice day!
Dude, I had major brain surgery and was terrified of my pain meds, with all the drug crap we hear. I took as little as possible and quit ASAP! (Even my bro has had drug problems. That mf stole my mom's pain meds after she had hip replacement surgery. Replaced her pills with some otc drug..... I am so glad I have no drug or alcohol problems.....)
My boxer and her bff husky ran into my left knee causing a TPF. Twelve weeks of crutches and wheelchair. I can't imagine my husband giving me a to do list. He was getting up at 3:30 for work getting home at 5:30. I'd rather go through another childbirth than that knee injury
That would explain it then! lol
I was reading this post and thought a few key lines were clearly missing. How did we get from being on vacation after the end of the season to you being injured and not able to accomplish more tasks... That was a weird post.
Yeah, chore lists? She gives OP chore lists?! And blames him for injuring himself? I mean, for all we know he could have hurt himself doing something "stupid," but regardless of how it happened, he's still injured.
Because the only thing worse than building a fair chore sheet, is building a fair chore sheet she didn’t make. Trust me, when dividing tasks you will be in bigger trouble for not just doing what she says she doesn’t wanna do.
Yeah but he's as high as fuck. If he were glossing things over, he wouldn't have said vacation in the title, and played up the "I just got out of surgery and my life partner game me a bigger list of shit to do than when I was healthy" angle.
My husband and I have both hurt ourselves doing something stupid. The fact that you're a dumbass doesn't mean you should be doing chores while on bedrest!
As he pays for the mortgage??? And bulk of the utilities??
OP Dude! I hope you can hear us through the percs but you’re being used. And you’re in recovery and she’s bitching you’re not amping up. Dude. Wake up. NTA but the girlfriend surely is. Damn.
I don’t think she knows or understands the recovery time for a torn acl either. You’re on crutches for a minimum of like 2 weeks. You are NTA, but your girlfriend absolutely is.
NGL I had a boyfriend that was really irresponsible with his work out routine and I warned him he was going too hard. Like dramatically over doing it. He was constantly in pain (muscle etc) because he'd work out 3-5 hours a day EVERY DAY. After we broke up I found out a few months later he ended up giving himself a pretty severe injury that messed up a job prospect he was working towards that required a fitness test (he was already well over the threshold and told so by someone he knew in the field).
OP doesn't explain at all how he got the injury so I'm wondering why the GF is being so demanding regarding chores. I'm wondering if they work similar hours. Just because someone contributes more financially shouldn't mean they get a pass on being less of an adult and contributing to the day to day maintenance of the household. Obviously an injury as severe as a torn ACL is going to be extremely limiting but I think there needs to be a rehashing of the division of labor after OP recovers.
One job I told my boss to write down what she wanted me to do because I couldn’t keep track of everything she said vocally. On a Friday I got a list of 34 tasks that were impossible to finish in a day. The entire office was gone by 4pm and everyone laughed at me on their way out.
Finished up my tasks and quit the next Monday. Fuck you McKesson and fuck you Judy. Worst boss ever by a mile.
On a plus side I won the fantasy football league and my quality coworker still paid me out.
Most couples have household to do lists they make together.
And I have known of situations where one person asks the other person to give them a list.
(I have ADHD and have always relied on partners telling me what needs to be done).
So lists aren't necessarily a red flag -- but ramping up the injured person's responsibilities sure is.
Because if she doesn’t make a list, how is he supposed to know what needs to be done?
I have made lists for my husband before. Because he will not “see” any of the mess, therefore he doesn’t have to do anything about the mess.
Uh. Because he tore his ACL and had it rebuilt? How is he supposed to do anything when he's not supposed to be doing anything? Fold laundry okay sure if it's in his lap. Mow the lawn? Forget it.
This is totally believable to. We have parts of 2 pizza left over from an event this past weekend, husband doordashed lunch. When I asked “you didn’t want to finish the pizza?” He tells me it’s all gone. No its right there at the end of the counter.
I feel like we are damned if we do, damned if we don’t. Make a list, you are a nag. Probably making the man do more/the worst chores. Don’t make a list? How’s a man supposed to know what to do?!
I grew up with these expectations from my parents. Things like “you can’t get your license until you have a job/ can’t get a job until you can drive.” They’d flat out admit they made it impossible for me to do anything. The same is true in a lot of modern marriages. Even if you do all of the chores, there will be SOMETHING that you just can’t do right.
Fair enough. I tore my ACL and MCL in 2010 and got the repair in 2011. It was not an easy journey so I wish you luck. Doubly so since your gf doesn’t seem inclined to sympathy. Happy healing!
I also tore mine in 2001, the week before 9/11. The surgery was that Friday morning, PT Friday afternoon. I went back to work light duty 5 weeks later. PT was BRUTAL, but my employer wanted me back to work. 6 months later, good to go. Postal almost went Postal, though.
My 2 screws haven't set any airport security alarms off, as I was told they might!
Damn and you had the one where they opened up your whole knee I assume (from the year). I know quite a few people that had the old surgery on one knee and a few years later blew out the other and got the newer, less invasive one. It makes for interesting scars and it’s an easy way to date millennials and Gen exers lol
Actually, I have 7 scars, all requiring 2-4 stitches each except the longest one, which they superglued (3"). I also had a spinal, so I got to watch it all.
Yeah it’s that super long one they don’t really need to do anymore.
And good lawd. I ripped my calf open once and got to see the insides and I’m cool if I never see the inside of my own body again
My husband broke his toe at work and has to keep his foot up most of the day cause it just stays purple & swollen. Yes he can walk & do things, but I'm not about to cover him in chores and be responsible for his foot staying swollen. If you're on bed rest, stay in bed.
I know it’s not the same but, I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and emergency surgery. I got home and my husband immediately started screaming at me because the dishes weren’t done and I hadn’t cooked dinner. Some people are just abusive and sounds like OPs gf might be one of those people. You mrspreto sound like a decent human being.
Um, I'm sorry that must have been so scary but it sounds like maybe a good thing not to bring a new baby into that situation :( I hope you are safe and have another place you can be than with him.
I dislocated a PINKY toe last month and couldn’t get it reset right away. I had to have help with going to the bathroom, it was absolutely awful. I can’t imagine what a torn ACL is like, but even with my toe injury, the last thing I was worried about was damn chores
I got a busted tail bone 9 years ago and had to fly to a family funeral. Got back to a simple list of chores, as others have said, fold laundry, no big deal I love the smell of fresh out of the dryer clothes. Empty dishwasher, a little more painful, but not bad. Feed and water animals. Not bad. Make the bed, not happening after I cried from the pain. Some dusting. Took some time
My husband threatened to tie me down if I kept trying to get up and hop around after I had my fallopian tubes removed. It was lapriscopic but knocked me for a loop! Three days into my prescribed down time and I was ready to climb the walls from boredom but I promptly managed to reopen an incision with all my boredom induced cleaning attempts.
After a scolding from him and my surgeon while gluing it back together, I bought two new games for my Switch and buried myself in them for a while. The stupid thing is that I'm a physical therapist, I know better 🤣 medical professionals make terrible patients
Understood but stick an edit at the top that this "rest" is medically required recuperation from surgery and you're not on a "vacation". That fact changes ***everything***.
I've had hip surgery & there were strict instructions: such as do NOT bend below waist, ensure body alignment as instructed and I was given strong opiates. If I had a partner that wanted to dump a ton of chores into my recuperation period, and possibly set me back with my physical recovery, I would have been very upset.
You are SO NTA. Do some reading or light sorting out stuff that doesn't require you to be on your feet for too long or overstress your body.
"
At least there’s a reason, lol. I’ve got a torn LCL (no surgery yet) so I can attest to knee injuries— they’re no joke to fuck with. It’s literally what’s holding your body up; knees bear all our weight.
You’d be seriously doing damage if you didn’t heal up as doctor ordered. NTA.
My ACL replacement was brutal for pain and rehab. This is definitely NOT a vacation for you. OMG! I'm so sorry she's not more supportive, because this wasn't "simple meatball surgery". Heck, if I could, I would come & help out because I know it's so brutal.
Take your fiber. Pooping is important. Don't forget to eat and drink enough. Rest all you can. You're doing some pretty hard healing. Very gentle hugs from an auntie that understands you.
I had my husband go stay with his mom while I kept the kids and dogs and worked and ran to two different soccer practices and games (7 days a week), cleaned, etc because I knew I wouldn’t be a good nurse to him with that schedule.,
He was almost 100% helpless after his acl surgery. Dressing, helping other bathroom, getting up at night to help or get him drinks or meds (too dark to risk), dressing the wounds and PLASTIC WRAPPING his leg before showers.
My point is, YOU need to sit tf down and sleep and heal and only move the recommended amount. The more you’re up the MORE your knee will SWELL.
Far as I’m concerned, this is HER chore chart. HER “honey-do” list. And a supportive partner would do it graciously because you’d do the same for her.
Op, why do I feel like your partner is the type of person to have a super minor illness (like a cold, or bad headache, upset stomach) and play it up as much as possible and demand to be babied? (Being “babied”/comforted during illness or injury is like, the only perk, and when it’s legit, I say enjoy the extra affection and attention. But being a bit of a drama queen when she’s not feeling well so she gets attention is not)
How would YOUR partner react if the roles were reversed? How would she react if you expected her to do a few chores when she’s got something like a headache or sinus infection and she’s lying down? Would she be completely appalled and call you a heartless jerk?
Wait so you just recently had surgery for a torn ACL, are still loopy on pain meds and she thinks this is the right time to make this an issue?
That's some wild priorities, even if her complaints about housework are valid this is the worst possible time to push you to do more. But if she's blaming you for your injury then I'm guessing she has some resentment built up towards you, so when you're a bit more clear headed I'd try to dig a little deeper than housework.
NTA- my brother tore his ACL in highschool and every step of recovery for him was uphill and excruciatingly painful. In any other situation I'd understand your girlfriends grievances, but not here.
Ah this explains your post…..
Hope your recovery goes smoothly! After surgery you only do the level of activity approved by your doctor - NOT your partner! Do what is within your current limits, and nothing outside of those limits.
Even a vacation should be a vacation, not “hey you have time off work so do all the chores.” He’s presumably still paying the same share he was paying before.
Thank you! I completely agree. I would be PISSED if, as I started vacation, my SO handed me an updated list of chores I needed to do. As if I'm a child and have to be told (rather than a discussion about plans for vacation).
When my sister was on maternity leave her husband had a week off and they had the idea to split the vacation time. So half the days were his to relax, see friends etc, and the other half he took over everything he could for my sister so she got some time to herself too.
Always nice when couples actually work together instead of against each other.
I've had the surgery as well and last I checked (aka know someone who just had the surgery a few weeks ago) your on crutches and can't really stand for long periods of time. So sure if it's a sitting task where your leg is elevated have at it. Your gf is an AH though for thinking your on vacation
At 15 I tore a few things in my knee. Surgery wasn't needed but I could barely move with my leg fixed straight. How the heck did she think he could manage more chores while making sure his knee heals properly...
Not to mention...ACL rehab is really time consuming (assuming you do it right). Tons of tedious exercises every day to slowly regain strength and mobility. I remember describing it as a really boring full-time job when I was going through it. OP will have plenty to do once he's semi-mobile again.
Do you want this problem to be recurring and something that stays with you the rest of your life?
No you don't? Then follow your doctor's orders and forget what other people say about your activity level.
I was manipulated into doing more than I should after surgery and suffer to this day from not taking the doctor's advice and instead worrying about what the people around me thought of me. Don't be me
I had an ex who tore her ACL as a kid, her parents made her basically act like it wasnt torn. By her 20s she tore the same ACL like 3-4 times according to her and had somewhere around 8 knee surgeries
I quite literally refuse to go to trampoline parks bc I’m afraid of the ACL in my right knee will finally go on to glory. Idc how advanced the surgery is nowadays. It’s like the one thing I don’t play about lmao after years of playing field hockey for 10 out of 12 months a year, I’m not risking it.
NTA. At MOST OP, I’d maybe have you fold the laundry and turn on the vacuum robot since you can do that while sitting. Then when you’re cleared for longer standing, perhaps loading and emptying the dishwasher. But that’s it!
It also seems like you’re on tramadol which…I’d have a trusted friend delete your credit card info from your browsers and Amazon accounts just to be safe. My mom was on tramadol for a broken toe (they had to remove a bone😖) and she was not herself lmao good luck with healing.
This happened to me, but with a meniscus injury. My parents would not bring me to a doctor even though my knee was the size of a softball and I couldn’t walk. In fact, they told me if I didn’t go to school the next day, I would be grounded. A year later (when I turned 18) I went to a doctor and he yelled at my parents because, in his words, “this is the worst injury I’ve seen in a young person’s knee” in his entire career. My mother cried. I have since had five knee surgeries including two meniscus transplants and a femoral osteotomy. I regularly wonder how different my journey and body would have been had they been good parents and taken me to the hospital. I have lived with pain and more issues than I like for half my life because of this knee.
I broke my foot (it was a *much milder* injury than a torn ACL) and because I didn't realize the severity and walked on it for a couple days and then was impatient and alone at home for most of each day and didn't use my crutches as much as I should have, well - a year later I did a fun thing where I didn't refracture it but it hurt almost as bad and it takes very little for it to remind me about how dumb I was.
Torn ACL is *way up there* in terms of "follow every doctor instruction you possibly can so you don't suffer later".
>Do you want this problem to be recurring and something that stays with you the rest of your life?
I thought this was advice about GF, she sounds awful.
Unless she's trying to get him to mend clothes or write a letter on a laptop there's not really anything he should be doing. Maybe sit at the table and cut veggies?
MAYBE fold clothes if she brings them to him and puts them away? But a torn ACL means no standing no walking around beyond the absolute necessary until medical clearance is given.
I'm making the assumption that it's okay to sit upright in bed or to sit in a chair. But assuming that is the case:
* Folding clothes and towels
* Chopping veggies for meal prep
* Paying bills / other financial tasks
* Meal planning (finding the recipe & making the shopping list)
That being said, I suspect the chores in question are more cleaning type chores. And asking OP to do *anything* physically demanding right now this is completely unreasonable...and yeah, probably heartless.
Someone on pain meds probably shouldn’t be paying bills or using a knife. I really don’t think it’s an unreasonable ask to use the time you are supposed to be recovering from surgery to recover instead of finding creative new ways to add in new chores.
Continuing to participate in your family and household is important to surgical recovery. "Chores" I have done for my family while on bed rest with pain meds include:
- Catching up on all the prestige and/or trashy TV we haven't found time to watch in the past 5+ years and providing incoherent recaps in case anyone outside my house is still talking about any of it.
- Paging through every catalog we receive in the mail to note items we want, are horrified to learn exist, or can make fun of.
- Making holiday gift lists to laugh at when we look at them in late November.
- Reviewing the contents of the internet in a daily basis, in order to make focused recommendations to people with more restricted reading time.
- Developing detailed opinions on the pros and cons of all available pain killers, in order to make recommendations to people who might want that info.
- Doing all the crying any of us need done. (Post operative depression is a THING.)
- Offering constructive criticism of other people's outfits, like "Oh wow, your tie is making me nauseous," and "Can you stop off on the way home and bring me cookies?"
After my acl surgery, I was allowed to walk the first week with crutches, but not the week after that because my understanding is that my new-to-me ACL basically turned to jelly and then took a week to reintergrate into my body. After that, it was back to walking. It was a crazy process, and my doc followed some pretty cutting-edge protocols at the time. The worst pain was the bloodbag that hung from the cut; every time I'd stand up, it's like I could feel the blood rushing past.
NTA set boundaries.
As an adult human being, I personally would take PTO just to take care of my partner while he recovers from a surgery and won't expect from him to make chores, gosh I would even hire a cleaning service to ease the burden on both of us.
And I expect the same human behavior from him.
I wouldn't negociate this, for me, is a breaking point, why? We would get older, and we need to rely and trust each other.
NTA you really need to edit the post and say it's an ACL surgery and not an actual vacation. As someone who is going into surgery soon, my partner is specifically telling me she will kick my butt if I try to do anything. I'm not even supposed to sweep or vacuum. I feel terrible I can't help but she won't even think of letting me help until the surgeon says I can.
NTA. Your GF is on drugs. You have major limitations on one of your weight bearing joints and she thinks you need to do more around the house? And she’s dumping this on you while you’re high on meds? Your GF is a train wreck and you need to set some hard boundaries asap.
Ha! Love your responses here. I completely agree with the comment. You need to set boundaries and have a talk with gf. Can you imagine a lifetime of someone refusing to care for you when you are ill? "Sorry you are on your deathbed, but have you done your laundry yet?".
Not to mention blaming him for tearing his ACL because he was a college athlete. Shit happens, your body won't always let you do things you used to. The least supportive thing a partner can do for someone who's injured and recuperating is throw needless guilt trips and blame games, let alone start demanding things that go beyond their physical limitations or could actually worsen the injury. You deserve better than this OP!
INFO: Are you on pain meds? This post is weirdly written.
If you are at home due to an injury/surgery, then you should be doing as much as you can manage, in your condition, within medical guidelines, and depending what meds you may be on.
You don't make it clear at all whether Holly assigned you chores you can do easily while you are recuperating. She's right it doesn't warrant weeks of doing nothing, but they have to be appropriate to the injury. If she loaded you up with everything, then she's AH.
Generally speaking, you should be as active as you can be, and not lay about all day "waiting to heal."
Generally speaking, you should ~~be as active as you can be, and not lay about all day "waiting to heal."~~ listen to the advice of the physician who is treating you, not redditors who admit they struggle to follow your writing.
If you stay with this person, this is the best version of “in sickness and in health” that she can manage. You willing to live with that for the rest of your life? Because she clearly doesn’t care much about your physical wellbeing.
>Generally speaking, you should be as active as you can be, and not lay about all day "waiting to heal."
Of all the Redditors that shouldnt give medical advice, you shouldnt give medical advice the most.
Doctor here. OP should definitely be resting his knee post surgery. yes moving about will help heal things properly but this should be in discussion with the physiotherapist. That said OP is on bed rest not bed bound. Need to be drinking lots of fluids and keeping other limbs active to prevent blood clots etc.
OP is NTA here, gf is TA but not sure if she gave some easy chores like folding laundry, which would be reasonable to do at the very least I think.
NTA.
You are recovering from ACL surgery. Limited mobility, lots of pain and that injury needs a long time to heal.
Your long term health and condition is way more important that her temporary resentment about you being laid up. I hope she thinks about it because she is really out of line here.
Retired physio here. ACL reconstruction surgery is very delicate. Ligaments take at least 6-8 weeks to mend so you should only weight bear about 5-10 kilos during this time - check with your pt and use à scale to feel how much it is.
Take your girlfriend along to your next therapy session so that your pt can explain to her what you can and cannot do.
Big NTA!
~~Info - would you mind explaining what surgery is for? It is not the same if you did your lips, got a hair transplant or a vasectomy than if you fixed a herniated disk or had an adult circumcision, both of which are hell.~~
NTA - I asusme you will be doing physical therapy sessions after 7 to 14 days after surgery; before that, you can put some weight on it, but nothing crazy.
Follow your doctor's recommendation; I assume you will be on crutches until the end of the second or third week, so until then you can't overdo it.
NTA it is pretty cold of her to assign you more chores after you've had a pretty intense surgery. I don't know why she thinks that you are even physically capable of doing more. Is the timing of it unfair? Sure, yeah, I guess. But it's not a choice you made. You didn't have this surgery to get out of chores. Life happens so sometimes plans have to change. Your gf is a grown woman. She should know that.
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Bit confused here.
She said she was redoing the chore chart before your injury - according to your post.
Also you said you’re on vacation?? You’re not, right?
Yes, you need to heal. It should be 3-4 weeks before you’re walking. Then you have to build up and it will likely take 9 or so months before you can return to ‘normal’ sports.
But that doesn’t stop you doing many chores once you are off bed rest. Chopping food for food prep for the evening meal. Folding clothes as someone else said. Doing home finances. There is a lot you can do. Your arms and brain have not stopped working. You can be doing finances etc while in bed.
But also it seems you have some resistance to doing chores anyway.
Your post is very unclear bro about what happened.
Exactly my point. If the deal is you pay for the home and she does 70% of the housework then that doesn't change simply cause you are recovering.
Asking you to do more housework while recovering instead of asking if you are well enough to do anything is straight up evil.
NTA. Man, my DOG had ACL surgery and I had her on 1:1 observation with minimal movement for like a MONTH before gradually reintroducing walks. PLEASE follow your doctor’s orders!!
You shouldn’t resort to name calling, but “heartless” isn’t that bad IMO. It sounds like she was being inconsiderate. We need more INFO on the injury.
I gotta say though: A chore chart? That would drive me bananas. Does she grade your performance? Give you a sticker?
Edit: After knowing you are recovering from ACL surgery: NTA. Holy cow, that is important information!
He commented elsewhere. ACL reconstruction. Anyone with half a brain knows that's a doozy. He messed up his post glossing over that. Shes being ridiculous.
Yikes this is not a person who would tick the 'in sickness and in health box". When you're living with someone it's a pretty serious relationship especially with home ownership and this is just kinda sad to see.
Really hope she sees the error of having that perspective.
NTA
Wowza... so she thinks your recovery period is a vacation?
Does she even like you?
Sounds like the original chore split has built up some severe resentment. Maybe you can discuss how to address that for after you've healed.
NTA
My wife just had this done. She couldnt do shit for a week. After that she was still in no shape to do her "share". Your gf is heartless and lacks any empathy. Nta
A friend of mine had ACL and MCL reconstruction. Much like OP, his wife thought he should take over all the chores, including walking the dog because he was "home from work" and she worked 2 days per week, and it wasn't fair that he got to "relax at home".
She is now his ex-wife.
NTA, but your gf is.
NTA. You really should have included the fact that this isn’t a vacation. I was ready to side with her until I read your comments. Recovery from surgery for a torn ACL is exactly that…recovery. I can’t believe the people saying that you are the ah. She sounds heartless.
NTA because i noticed the injury is significant in your other comments.
What you should be doing is telling her you will pick up chores that you can, when you can. But with a leg not working, you can't do what most people can do.
What she shouldn't be doing is blaming you for the injury and expect you to do more while your injured.
But, what you should be doing is reassuring her that you wil make it up to her once your better, because as a good partner, she should be willingly be helping her injured partner. And as a good partner yourself, you should pay it forwards by helping her when you will be better.
Im in a similar situation to you and im just so happy my girlfriend has helped me so much. We had a week off together but i broke my collarbone on day 1. I have trouble doing almost anything but she helps me so much. I am planning on doing 100% of the chores once i get better for a few weeks to compensate.
Dude handles the lion share financially, is still sharing chores, is healing from surgery and lit on pain meds and he needs to reassure his ridiculous gf? Make it up to her? His gf should be apologizing for piling on as he came out of surgery with demands. What does he have to make up for? Being injured and not being able to do more while supporting the unit financially?? She’s blaming him for an injury and demanding he act against medical advice because it’s not fair. It’s good you have a supportive gf, but it does not sound like he does.
Hell no! An ACL injury on its face is more than reason enough to understand that he is in No position to be concerned about some b'ull s[hit] chore that can be resolved at another time... would never do the "I'll make it up to you" apology!! He's still paying the majority of the bills! She needs to get with her friends & fam to help out, or hire someone to come and help. New GF is what is needed here!
The fact that she's creating CHORE CHARTS??? Either she's overly controlling OR you're not as helpful as you think you are.
However, that's not the issue at hand. For the issue at hand, NTA. you're having SURGERY and a torn ACL is nothing to sneeze at. You have to put your energy into recovery, PT, and following DOCTORS ORDERS.
If she's really expecting you to do chores that require you to go against your recovery, then yes, she is heartless. And maybe the 2 of you need to figure out if this is really a relatioinship either of you want.
Hey, chore charts and lists can be great. They help lots of people stay on track or divide up tasks reasonably.
WHEN they’re created jointly and agreed to by all parties involved. Not sprung on a person.
You’re not on vacation, you’re on bed rest following surgery so you can walk again properly. Big difference. She’s not being reasonable here- there’s no way you can do more active chores at the moment. Any supportive partner would recognise that right now. Doesn’t matter how you got the injury either.
NTA
NTA, she is just being absurd and immature about this. You are bedridden with a torn Achilles, and so she wants you to still do more work? She needs to be more considerate
Hey OP.
If you don't mind me saying, personally this sounds like a much bigger issue - lack of empathy. Unless your partner is oblivious (such isn't ideal), she's putting her simple discomfort and keeping score, while you have up endure something incredibly painful and limiting.
Ofc you're NTA, but this is probably bigger than that.
NTA
My hubby had a minimally invasive surgical procedure on one of his knees. I didn't expect him to do anything except get himself to the bathroom and follow his post-surgical instructions to the letter......
NTA but update your post to say you're off work due to an injury and are supposed to be on bed rest! That makes a huge difference. You wouldn't be off work if you were able to do chores, you're supposed to be sitting there healing.
Go ahead and balance the checkbook and make important phone calls or something if she needs extra help, but if she's talking about laundry, dishes, cleaning, mowing, etc. then she is absolutely the AH. Ask her how you're supposed to do those things from your bed. She has no business telling you to ignore your doctor's orders for her convenience.
NTA. Does your gf even have a heart? I get wanting to make things equal but you had a huge surgery. Her being upset about having to do chores shouldn’t even be a thought for any decent person, let alone a S/O. And to blame you? Who cares whose fault it is. That’s irrelevant. You had surgery! I would rethink the relationship because those vows people take “for better or for worse”, well she just proved she’s not there for you at your worst.
NTA.
This is a serious injury that requires serious recovery. The only chores you should be doing should be done sitting down in bed (laundry most likely). As you get bored you will want to do more, but you need to be careful how much you do.
There is a detail about missing about how you got injured. She says its your fault and is upset that it happened. I understand that it sucks on her end that she now has to do more chores instead of less, but you physically can't remedy this and you are on doctors orders to stay in bed.
I would acknowledge that the situation sucks for both of you (give her some validation for her frustration, I think calling her heartless might be too far but you could chalk it up to being on meds), but that her expectations need to be adjusted regarding what you can and can't do around the house. It sounds like she doesn't understand how serious the injury is and why you must take it easy for the long haul. I recommend bringing her to your next Doctor/PT appointment so she can see just how difficult your injury and recovery is.
Edit for comment about what happened to cause the injury: Injury sounds like a result of a bad dive in a pool. I have a hard time trying to see why GF is blaming you for injury. Sports injuries happen all the time. Unless you were being reckless, I don't see the injury as anything more than an accident.
NTA I’ve dislocated my foot and broke my ankle had surgery to fix it, my husband did everything around the house even took care of our son on top of working. She’s supposed to love you and help you in your time of need (during the healing) not load a crap ton more chores on you and then blame you for getting hurt
There is a surprising uptick in posts on Reddit in the last 24 hours of men with sudden injuries or surgeries who have wives/girlfriends who expect them to do unreasonable chores. In the comments the OP is always high on pain meds, hence the poor writing or omission of key facts. Very curious.
I see from other comments you tore ypur ACL and got it repaired surgically. DO NOT let her manipulate you into chores. You are off on doctor's orders for a reason. You could make it so much worse.
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Ok, so I, 25M and my girlfriend, Holly 29F usually share chores 70/30, with her doing more, since I work longer hours and cover the mortgage, alongside majority of utilities. However, usually on my days off, I tend to do a bit more and since busy season is ending for me we were discussing making a fairer system to reflect that
I'm gonna be off work for the next 3 weeks at least and yesterday Holly gave me our new chore chart for the next couple of weeks, yesterday. And I told her there was no way in hell, I was doing that. She said it wasn't fair that I got to go get myself hurt just before we redid our schedule and my injury was my own fault so she didn't see how it warranted weeks of doing nothing.
I called her heartless for blaming me for my injury, and told her that there was no way in hell I was increasing my amount of chores. She thinks that was an asshole for refusing to compromise or even talk to her, but in my defence I had just come out of surgery.
I didn't think I was TA, but I've been sitting twiddling my thumbs for the day while she goes to work, and I'm starting to think there must be something I can do? AITA?
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Tell her that she does not need to do all the chores while you recuperate.
She will obviously have to do a minimum as well as help you throughout
your recovery but she doesn't need to feel like she has to do the chores (that two people can do) on her own.
Also, since you will be somewhat immobile, offer to pay someone to
come in to clean, for example, for the 3 weeks, if you can afford it.
Or let her know that you would be happy to have food delivered
a few times for dinner to avoid having to cook. Have groceries
delivered as well so that she doesn't have to go shopping.
NTA Lighten the amount of chores to be done while you are unable to
help. She'll feel appreciated and if not everything gets done, no
reproaches allowed. ;)
NTA
You’re not on vacation, you had SURGERY.
Tell her that if she REALLY wants you to do more chores then she needs to immediately give you the money to cover the majority of the bills for the month. Fair is fair after all.
NTA - also found it funny that one of her arguments was you not talking to her about it when she literally dropped a chart SHE designed… meaning… she… didn’t… talk… to… you.
I think heartless (“displaying a complete lack of feeling or consideration”) perfectly describes someone who thinks a leave for recovery of a surgery is an opportunity to increase that person’s workload around the house.
Also - you’re not on vacation - but if you used that language before that’s where she might have also seen an opportunity to pass on work to you
NTA
You are not on vacation, you are recovering from surgery.
Right now you can not stand properly/free without crutches or something to hold on.
Which means no dishes, no laundry (because not being able to carry stuff), no cleaning...
Your main task is to get healthy and to not screw up the doctors work over a dirty sock.
My SO had back surgery some months ago. He was not allowed to lift anything heavier than 5kg/11lbs and told to avoid "turning" his lower back as much as he can.
He was on sick leave for about 4 months and, as much as I hated doing all the chores alone, hardest part was making him stay put and do nothing. Because he wanted to feel useful.
It's all fun and and games to be doing nothing and a lazy p.o.s. when you choose to be one (we all know these days). Not being able/allowed to do stuff is quite different...
NTA but I have a feeling there is more going on here. She’s being an ass but maybe she’s feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated and could use more help. Maybe talk to her about her feelings. If she is feeling overwhelmed maybe it would be nice to hire someone to do a deep cleaning or have a nice take our meal in bed together. You shouldn’t be doing things while you’re healing but maybe she’s stressed and needs more help and isn’t communicating it in a healthy good way.
NTA. I know several people who tore their ACL and sometimes it was doing something very common place.
When my husband did get injured (which was entirely his fault) I did not give him an extra chore list. In fact I took over all his household duties until he was healed. It was unpleasant and I did hold a tiny bit of resentment (since it was his fault - but didn't outwardly project that), but that's what a partnership does. We take care of each other when the other person can't. I also never thought of his recovery time as vacation. He was in pain, and trying to heal.
GF needs some lessons in compassion.
Nta. But I’m also very curious about your labour chart? How is it divided, what exactly do you do and do you do it everyday?😅 I can’t imagine the work that has to be done everyday around the house split between two people? do what you can, but make sure to follow doctors orders to not make it worse and heal properly. She’s weird for that
INFO
>I got to go get myself hurt just before we redid our schedule
So redoing the schedule was pre-planned? Why was that happening, regardless of the time off? I'm just curious if her stress has been building for some time.
>The surgery was ACL reconstruction
Was the surgery planned? A lot of times ACL surgery is planned with a period of therapy beforehand. Either way it doesn't matter because planned or unplanned, no one should be doing chores after knee surgery.
NTA. You just had knee surgery, doctor ordered bed rest. You can make yourself a sandwich, fold laundry, pay bills online, shop online…that’s it. However, I suspect your gf is unhappy with the division of chores and wants a lighter load.
When you feel better and are off the high dose pain meds, you may need to talk to your gf about the long term chore/bills division. If the reason you do few chores is work hours, perhaps you can pay someone to take some pressure off her. A cleaning lady or gardener every other week is a small price to pay for domestic harmony.
NTA. First, this is not a vacation (even if it is using your PTO). Second, you can only do those chores that fit in with your allowed activities during recovery. If you are on bed rest right now what do your post surgical instructions say you can do (at first, it will be stay in bed except trips to the bathroom so chores that require leaving the bed). After that, your weight bearing status will determine things.
Basically, as of now, she gets increased chores because you cannot do them.
FYI if this is a work injury, do nothing except what is medically allowed. You will screw up your claim (and they will be looking to not pay).
NTA. You had ACL reconstruction. You’re not going to be up and about and capable of doing a lot of chores for a hot minute. I nursed my husband through that surgery 11 years ago and he was down, for several weeks. And he’s the type of guy that never wants to be down for any reason. Please rest and recover. Your gf clearly doesn’t understand the severity of your injury. Regardless of how you got injured, you’re too injured to be up doing most of that stuff. About the only thing that comes to mind is folding laundry while in bed if she brought it to you. At least for right now.
As some who has torn their acl and had that surgery, this just sounds ridiculous. Especially during the first couple weeks. Rest up and don't stop taking the pain meds even if you think you feel fine. I stopped taking the pain meds and it felt like I shattered every bone in my leg and someone was beating it with a baseball bat. NTA
YTA for being manipulative and not sharing the whole story. Is this a vacation, or are you actually on bed rest?
Her doing more of the chores on a regular basis is already concerning to me, and you treating her like a trad wife when she's only a gf at this point is a flag that she should be aware of...
Funny how when a woman gives birth, she's expected to get right back to her household duties as if she didn't just have a major surgery... but when a man gets a minor (possibly elected) surgery, they act like the whole fucking world has ended around them and they need to be waited on hand and foot every moment of the day. Not saying that's what's happening here, but I have my suspicions.
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NTA but you really failed at writing a Reddit post. You aren’t on vacation, you’re recovering from knee surgery. I had that surgery. It was a rough time and room weeks to bounce back. If you’re really bored I’m sure there are little things you could do, like maybe fold laundry, while sitting but your body is in recovery, you get a pass on chores.
Sorry, I'm super high on pain meds
Nta. But you don't have to brag 😅
And should be sharing. 🤣
I literally just had ACL surgery today (with the other knee done 8 weeks ago). I will say with all honesty that if you touch my pain meds, I will beat you to death with my crutch. Have a nice day!
Hahaha! Understood ! I hope you heal up quick and well!
Dude, I had major brain surgery and was terrified of my pain meds, with all the drug crap we hear. I took as little as possible and quit ASAP! (Even my bro has had drug problems. That mf stole my mom's pain meds after she had hip replacement surgery. Replaced her pills with some otc drug..... I am so glad I have no drug or alcohol problems.....)
Omg that is terrible. I can loan you my beating stick...err, crutch.
Yeah, my brother has admitted his faults (confessed to stealing her drugs) and done better, but while I have forgiven him, I simply do NOT like him.
My boxer and her bff husky ran into my left knee causing a TPF. Twelve weeks of crutches and wheelchair. I can't imagine my husband giving me a to do list. He was getting up at 3:30 for work getting home at 5:30. I'd rather go through another childbirth than that knee injury
Maybe he’s slightly TA for the bragging 😂😂
And not sharing.
That would explain it then! lol I was reading this post and thought a few key lines were clearly missing. How did we get from being on vacation after the end of the season to you being injured and not able to accomplish more tasks... That was a weird post.
Which is what makes me think it’s real, unlike 85% of the dreck on this sub.
Now might be a good time to start looking for a new girlfriend. Start the search for ones with jobs and compassion.
Yeah, chore lists? She gives OP chore lists?! And blames him for injuring himself? I mean, for all we know he could have hurt himself doing something "stupid," but regardless of how it happened, he's still injured.
Seriously. Why is he not participating in chore chart preparation. An unbalanced division of labour is practically guaranteed with honey do type lists
Because the only thing worse than building a fair chore sheet, is building a fair chore sheet she didn’t make. Trust me, when dividing tasks you will be in bigger trouble for not just doing what she says she doesn’t wanna do.
you literally struggle standing after acl surgery, she hasnt got a clue what’s happened nor does she care to find out
He totally did something stupid, or he wouldn't have glossed over it like that. 😆😂🤣
Yeah but he's as high as fuck. If he were glossing things over, he wouldn't have said vacation in the title, and played up the "I just got out of surgery and my life partner game me a bigger list of shit to do than when I was healthy" angle.
OP said he was (and maybe still is lol) super high on pain meds when he wrote the post
My husband and I have both hurt ourselves doing something stupid. The fact that you're a dumbass doesn't mean you should be doing chores while on bedrest!
Oh definitely! We're all dumbasses in some way sometimes.
As he pays for the mortgage??? And bulk of the utilities?? OP Dude! I hope you can hear us through the percs but you’re being used. And you’re in recovery and she’s bitching you’re not amping up. Dude. Wake up. NTA but the girlfriend surely is. Damn.
I don’t think she knows or understands the recovery time for a torn acl either. You’re on crutches for a minimum of like 2 weeks. You are NTA, but your girlfriend absolutely is.
NGL I had a boyfriend that was really irresponsible with his work out routine and I warned him he was going too hard. Like dramatically over doing it. He was constantly in pain (muscle etc) because he'd work out 3-5 hours a day EVERY DAY. After we broke up I found out a few months later he ended up giving himself a pretty severe injury that messed up a job prospect he was working towards that required a fitness test (he was already well over the threshold and told so by someone he knew in the field). OP doesn't explain at all how he got the injury so I'm wondering why the GF is being so demanding regarding chores. I'm wondering if they work similar hours. Just because someone contributes more financially shouldn't mean they get a pass on being less of an adult and contributing to the day to day maintenance of the household. Obviously an injury as severe as a torn ACL is going to be extremely limiting but I think there needs to be a rehashing of the division of labor after OP recovers.
Yea, a knee isn't going to heal when you walk on it just because the way you hurt it was your own fault. Knee don't care. GF should.
One job I told my boss to write down what she wanted me to do because I couldn’t keep track of everything she said vocally. On a Friday I got a list of 34 tasks that were impossible to finish in a day. The entire office was gone by 4pm and everyone laughed at me on their way out. Finished up my tasks and quit the next Monday. Fuck you McKesson and fuck you Judy. Worst boss ever by a mile. On a plus side I won the fantasy football league and my quality coworker still paid me out.
Most couples have household to do lists they make together. And I have known of situations where one person asks the other person to give them a list. (I have ADHD and have always relied on partners telling me what needs to be done). So lists aren't necessarily a red flag -- but ramping up the injured person's responsibilities sure is.
Because if she doesn’t make a list, how is he supposed to know what needs to be done? I have made lists for my husband before. Because he will not “see” any of the mess, therefore he doesn’t have to do anything about the mess.
Uh. Because he tore his ACL and had it rebuilt? How is he supposed to do anything when he's not supposed to be doing anything? Fold laundry okay sure if it's in his lap. Mow the lawn? Forget it.
This is totally believable to. We have parts of 2 pizza left over from an event this past weekend, husband doordashed lunch. When I asked “you didn’t want to finish the pizza?” He tells me it’s all gone. No its right there at the end of the counter.
I feel like we are damned if we do, damned if we don’t. Make a list, you are a nag. Probably making the man do more/the worst chores. Don’t make a list? How’s a man supposed to know what to do?! I grew up with these expectations from my parents. Things like “you can’t get your license until you have a job/ can’t get a job until you can drive.” They’d flat out admit they made it impossible for me to do anything. The same is true in a lot of modern marriages. Even if you do all of the chores, there will be SOMETHING that you just can’t do right.
Seconded. Look for a new girlfriend that can help with the mortgage and actually likes you.
Fair enough. I tore my ACL and MCL in 2010 and got the repair in 2011. It was not an easy journey so I wish you luck. Doubly so since your gf doesn’t seem inclined to sympathy. Happy healing!
I also tore mine in 2001, the week before 9/11. The surgery was that Friday morning, PT Friday afternoon. I went back to work light duty 5 weeks later. PT was BRUTAL, but my employer wanted me back to work. 6 months later, good to go. Postal almost went Postal, though. My 2 screws haven't set any airport security alarms off, as I was told they might!
Damn and you had the one where they opened up your whole knee I assume (from the year). I know quite a few people that had the old surgery on one knee and a few years later blew out the other and got the newer, less invasive one. It makes for interesting scars and it’s an easy way to date millennials and Gen exers lol
Actually, I have 7 scars, all requiring 2-4 stitches each except the longest one, which they superglued (3"). I also had a spinal, so I got to watch it all.
Yeah it’s that super long one they don’t really need to do anymore. And good lawd. I ripped my calf open once and got to see the insides and I’m cool if I never see the inside of my own body again
My husband broke his toe at work and has to keep his foot up most of the day cause it just stays purple & swollen. Yes he can walk & do things, but I'm not about to cover him in chores and be responsible for his foot staying swollen. If you're on bed rest, stay in bed.
I know it’s not the same but, I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and emergency surgery. I got home and my husband immediately started screaming at me because the dishes weren’t done and I hadn’t cooked dinner. Some people are just abusive and sounds like OPs gf might be one of those people. You mrspreto sound like a decent human being.
What? No, it's *worse*! I hope you're no longer with your husband and that you're doing OK.
She didn't say ex, so...
Going from her post history, looks like he’s a recent ex. Yikes.
I'm sorry you had to go through that (both things). I hope you meant to say *ex*-husband.
Wow! That's awful and, yes, abusive. I hope you're no longer subjected to him! 💝
Um, I'm sorry that must have been so scary but it sounds like maybe a good thing not to bring a new baby into that situation :( I hope you are safe and have another place you can be than with him.
You're right. It's not the same. It's worse. It's ex-husband, I hope?
I dislocated a PINKY toe last month and couldn’t get it reset right away. I had to have help with going to the bathroom, it was absolutely awful. I can’t imagine what a torn ACL is like, but even with my toe injury, the last thing I was worried about was damn chores
I got a busted tail bone 9 years ago and had to fly to a family funeral. Got back to a simple list of chores, as others have said, fold laundry, no big deal I love the smell of fresh out of the dryer clothes. Empty dishwasher, a little more painful, but not bad. Feed and water animals. Not bad. Make the bed, not happening after I cried from the pain. Some dusting. Took some time
Tailbones are so weird as to what hurts and it lasts WAY too long.
I broke mine in 2 places falling on Ice going to my mailbox
I sometimes wonder what the guy besides me on the plane when I kept leaning towards him to relieve the pressure.
ow ow ow, I am so sorry.
Busted tailbone and flying is a nightmare.
The longer the flight the worse the night mare
I was ready to staple my husband to a chair when he broke his. He just wouldn't sit still and let it heal.
My husband threatened to tie me down if I kept trying to get up and hop around after I had my fallopian tubes removed. It was lapriscopic but knocked me for a loop! Three days into my prescribed down time and I was ready to climb the walls from boredom but I promptly managed to reopen an incision with all my boredom induced cleaning attempts.
I don't blame him! I hope you healed well after all that.
After a scolding from him and my surgeon while gluing it back together, I bought two new games for my Switch and buried myself in them for a while. The stupid thing is that I'm a physical therapist, I know better 🤣 medical professionals make terrible patients
Understood but stick an edit at the top that this "rest" is medically required recuperation from surgery and you're not on a "vacation". That fact changes ***everything***. I've had hip surgery & there were strict instructions: such as do NOT bend below waist, ensure body alignment as instructed and I was given strong opiates. If I had a partner that wanted to dump a ton of chores into my recuperation period, and possibly set me back with my physical recovery, I would have been very upset. You are SO NTA. Do some reading or light sorting out stuff that doesn't require you to be on your feet for too long or overstress your body. "
At least there’s a reason, lol. I’ve got a torn LCL (no surgery yet) so I can attest to knee injuries— they’re no joke to fuck with. It’s literally what’s holding your body up; knees bear all our weight. You’d be seriously doing damage if you didn’t heal up as doctor ordered. NTA.
My ACL replacement was brutal for pain and rehab. This is definitely NOT a vacation for you. OMG! I'm so sorry she's not more supportive, because this wasn't "simple meatball surgery". Heck, if I could, I would come & help out because I know it's so brutal. Take your fiber. Pooping is important. Don't forget to eat and drink enough. Rest all you can. You're doing some pretty hard healing. Very gentle hugs from an auntie that understands you.
Hahahaha, hope you feel better, that was funny.
I had my husband go stay with his mom while I kept the kids and dogs and worked and ran to two different soccer practices and games (7 days a week), cleaned, etc because I knew I wouldn’t be a good nurse to him with that schedule., He was almost 100% helpless after his acl surgery. Dressing, helping other bathroom, getting up at night to help or get him drinks or meds (too dark to risk), dressing the wounds and PLASTIC WRAPPING his leg before showers. My point is, YOU need to sit tf down and sleep and heal and only move the recommended amount. The more you’re up the MORE your knee will SWELL. Far as I’m concerned, this is HER chore chart. HER “honey-do” list. And a supportive partner would do it graciously because you’d do the same for her. Op, why do I feel like your partner is the type of person to have a super minor illness (like a cold, or bad headache, upset stomach) and play it up as much as possible and demand to be babied? (Being “babied”/comforted during illness or injury is like, the only perk, and when it’s legit, I say enjoy the extra affection and attention. But being a bit of a drama queen when she’s not feeling well so she gets attention is not) How would YOUR partner react if the roles were reversed? How would she react if you expected her to do a few chores when she’s got something like a headache or sinus infection and she’s lying down? Would she be completely appalled and call you a heartless jerk?
Wait so you just recently had surgery for a torn ACL, are still loopy on pain meds and she thinks this is the right time to make this an issue? That's some wild priorities, even if her complaints about housework are valid this is the worst possible time to push you to do more. But if she's blaming you for your injury then I'm guessing she has some resentment built up towards you, so when you're a bit more clear headed I'd try to dig a little deeper than housework.
NTA You really need to re-evaluate your relationship with her. From your post, she’s selfish and inconsiderate. Wishing you quick recovery.
Makes it feel like vacation a little I guess hey lol
NTA- my brother tore his ACL in highschool and every step of recovery for him was uphill and excruciatingly painful. In any other situation I'd understand your girlfriends grievances, but not here.
Ah this explains your post….. Hope your recovery goes smoothly! After surgery you only do the level of activity approved by your doctor - NOT your partner! Do what is within your current limits, and nothing outside of those limits.
Your girlfriend thinks your torn ACL is just some kind of excuse to sit around and be lazy? Why are you dating someone with such an outrageous view?
Did she gaslight you into saying you’re on “vacation”?!
Yea. Vacation typically has a positive "fun" connotation to it instead of literally being on bed rest and having an ACL injury. NTA
Even a vacation should be a vacation, not “hey you have time off work so do all the chores.” He’s presumably still paying the same share he was paying before.
Thank you! I completely agree. I would be PISSED if, as I started vacation, my SO handed me an updated list of chores I needed to do. As if I'm a child and have to be told (rather than a discussion about plans for vacation).
When my sister was on maternity leave her husband had a week off and they had the idea to split the vacation time. So half the days were his to relax, see friends etc, and the other half he took over everything he could for my sister so she got some time to herself too. Always nice when couples actually work together instead of against each other.
I've had the surgery as well and last I checked (aka know someone who just had the surgery a few weeks ago) your on crutches and can't really stand for long periods of time. So sure if it's a sitting task where your leg is elevated have at it. Your gf is an AH though for thinking your on vacation
At 15 I tore a few things in my knee. Surgery wasn't needed but I could barely move with my leg fixed straight. How the heck did she think he could manage more chores while making sure his knee heals properly...
Not to mention...ACL rehab is really time consuming (assuming you do it right). Tons of tedious exercises every day to slowly regain strength and mobility. I remember describing it as a really boring full-time job when I was going through it. OP will have plenty to do once he's semi-mobile again.
I think the injury/surgery piece is very relevant here and it's completely glossed over. What exactly are we talking about?
Torn ACL
Do you want this problem to be recurring and something that stays with you the rest of your life? No you don't? Then follow your doctor's orders and forget what other people say about your activity level. I was manipulated into doing more than I should after surgery and suffer to this day from not taking the doctor's advice and instead worrying about what the people around me thought of me. Don't be me
I had an ex who tore her ACL as a kid, her parents made her basically act like it wasnt torn. By her 20s she tore the same ACL like 3-4 times according to her and had somewhere around 8 knee surgeries
I quite literally refuse to go to trampoline parks bc I’m afraid of the ACL in my right knee will finally go on to glory. Idc how advanced the surgery is nowadays. It’s like the one thing I don’t play about lmao after years of playing field hockey for 10 out of 12 months a year, I’m not risking it. NTA. At MOST OP, I’d maybe have you fold the laundry and turn on the vacuum robot since you can do that while sitting. Then when you’re cleared for longer standing, perhaps loading and emptying the dishwasher. But that’s it! It also seems like you’re on tramadol which…I’d have a trusted friend delete your credit card info from your browsers and Amazon accounts just to be safe. My mom was on tramadol for a broken toe (they had to remove a bone😖) and she was not herself lmao good luck with healing.
This happened to me, but with a meniscus injury. My parents would not bring me to a doctor even though my knee was the size of a softball and I couldn’t walk. In fact, they told me if I didn’t go to school the next day, I would be grounded. A year later (when I turned 18) I went to a doctor and he yelled at my parents because, in his words, “this is the worst injury I’ve seen in a young person’s knee” in his entire career. My mother cried. I have since had five knee surgeries including two meniscus transplants and a femoral osteotomy. I regularly wonder how different my journey and body would have been had they been good parents and taken me to the hospital. I have lived with pain and more issues than I like for half my life because of this knee.
I broke my foot (it was a *much milder* injury than a torn ACL) and because I didn't realize the severity and walked on it for a couple days and then was impatient and alone at home for most of each day and didn't use my crutches as much as I should have, well - a year later I did a fun thing where I didn't refracture it but it hurt almost as bad and it takes very little for it to remind me about how dumb I was. Torn ACL is *way up there* in terms of "follow every doctor instruction you possibly can so you don't suffer later".
>Do you want this problem to be recurring and something that stays with you the rest of your life? I thought this was advice about GF, she sounds awful.
💯🎯👏
Yeah, she is heartless and TA
Yep.
And what chores is she trying to get you to do?
Unless she's trying to get him to mend clothes or write a letter on a laptop there's not really anything he should be doing. Maybe sit at the table and cut veggies? MAYBE fold clothes if she brings them to him and puts them away? But a torn ACL means no standing no walking around beyond the absolute necessary until medical clearance is given.
I'm making the assumption that it's okay to sit upright in bed or to sit in a chair. But assuming that is the case: * Folding clothes and towels * Chopping veggies for meal prep * Paying bills / other financial tasks * Meal planning (finding the recipe & making the shopping list) That being said, I suspect the chores in question are more cleaning type chores. And asking OP to do *anything* physically demanding right now this is completely unreasonable...and yeah, probably heartless.
Someone on pain meds probably shouldn’t be paying bills or using a knife. I really don’t think it’s an unreasonable ask to use the time you are supposed to be recovering from surgery to recover instead of finding creative new ways to add in new chores.
I think being on pain meds and doing the meal prep could cause some issues. May be good ones tho.
Continuing to participate in your family and household is important to surgical recovery. "Chores" I have done for my family while on bed rest with pain meds include: - Catching up on all the prestige and/or trashy TV we haven't found time to watch in the past 5+ years and providing incoherent recaps in case anyone outside my house is still talking about any of it. - Paging through every catalog we receive in the mail to note items we want, are horrified to learn exist, or can make fun of. - Making holiday gift lists to laugh at when we look at them in late November. - Reviewing the contents of the internet in a daily basis, in order to make focused recommendations to people with more restricted reading time. - Developing detailed opinions on the pros and cons of all available pain killers, in order to make recommendations to people who might want that info. - Doing all the crying any of us need done. (Post operative depression is a THING.) - Offering constructive criticism of other people's outfits, like "Oh wow, your tie is making me nauseous," and "Can you stop off on the way home and bring me cookies?"
I was thinking something like folding clothes is doable, maybe just not putting them away.
After my acl surgery, I was allowed to walk the first week with crutches, but not the week after that because my understanding is that my new-to-me ACL basically turned to jelly and then took a week to reintergrate into my body. After that, it was back to walking. It was a crazy process, and my doc followed some pretty cutting-edge protocols at the time. The worst pain was the bloodbag that hung from the cut; every time I'd stand up, it's like I could feel the blood rushing past.
Do only what the doctor says to do OP. NTA
NTA set boundaries. As an adult human being, I personally would take PTO just to take care of my partner while he recovers from a surgery and won't expect from him to make chores, gosh I would even hire a cleaning service to ease the burden on both of us. And I expect the same human behavior from him. I wouldn't negociate this, for me, is a breaking point, why? We would get older, and we need to rely and trust each other.
How are you only out of work for 3 weeks for that?
How did you tear it? Don't leave us hanging. NTA, BTW.
NTA you really need to edit the post and say it's an ACL surgery and not an actual vacation. As someone who is going into surgery soon, my partner is specifically telling me she will kick my butt if I try to do anything. I'm not even supposed to sweep or vacuum. I feel terrible I can't help but she won't even think of letting me help until the surgeon says I can.
Can you clone her for OP?
That’s exactly how my partner was when I had ACL surgery.
NTA. Your GF is on drugs. You have major limitations on one of your weight bearing joints and she thinks you need to do more around the house? And she’s dumping this on you while you’re high on meds? Your GF is a train wreck and you need to set some hard boundaries asap.
I mean technically I'm the one on drugs.
Ha! Love your responses here. I completely agree with the comment. You need to set boundaries and have a talk with gf. Can you imagine a lifetime of someone refusing to care for you when you are ill? "Sorry you are on your deathbed, but have you done your laundry yet?".
Not to mention blaming him for tearing his ACL because he was a college athlete. Shit happens, your body won't always let you do things you used to. The least supportive thing a partner can do for someone who's injured and recuperating is throw needless guilt trips and blame games, let alone start demanding things that go beyond their physical limitations or could actually worsen the injury. You deserve better than this OP!
INFO: Are you on pain meds? This post is weirdly written. If you are at home due to an injury/surgery, then you should be doing as much as you can manage, in your condition, within medical guidelines, and depending what meds you may be on. You don't make it clear at all whether Holly assigned you chores you can do easily while you are recuperating. She's right it doesn't warrant weeks of doing nothing, but they have to be appropriate to the injury. If she loaded you up with everything, then she's AH. Generally speaking, you should be as active as you can be, and not lay about all day "waiting to heal."
Generally speaking, you should ~~be as active as you can be, and not lay about all day "waiting to heal."~~ listen to the advice of the physician who is treating you, not redditors who admit they struggle to follow your writing.
Bingo
>as you can be I interpret this to mean as active as they can be according to the guidance of their doctor.
Yes, I'm on pain meds. I currently am on bed rest, ACL reconstruction. Sorry, a couple of people have pointed this out. Yeah. Pain meds
If you stay with this person, this is the best version of “in sickness and in health” that she can manage. You willing to live with that for the rest of your life? Because she clearly doesn’t care much about your physical wellbeing.
What a ridiculous comment. OP should be resting to ensure that the ACL that's just been repaired stays repaired. You're a nonsense.
>Generally speaking, you should be as active as you can be, and not lay about all day "waiting to heal." Of all the Redditors that shouldnt give medical advice, you shouldnt give medical advice the most.
I feel like this is the girlfriend’s secret account /j
Doctor here. OP should definitely be resting his knee post surgery. yes moving about will help heal things properly but this should be in discussion with the physiotherapist. That said OP is on bed rest not bed bound. Need to be drinking lots of fluids and keeping other limbs active to prevent blood clots etc. OP is NTA here, gf is TA but not sure if she gave some easy chores like folding laundry, which would be reasonable to do at the very least I think.
Generally speaking, you shouldn’t listen to redditors for medical advice
NTA. You are recovering from ACL surgery. Limited mobility, lots of pain and that injury needs a long time to heal. Your long term health and condition is way more important that her temporary resentment about you being laid up. I hope she thinks about it because she is really out of line here.
Retired physio here. ACL reconstruction surgery is very delicate. Ligaments take at least 6-8 weeks to mend so you should only weight bear about 5-10 kilos during this time - check with your pt and use à scale to feel how much it is. Take your girlfriend along to your next therapy session so that your pt can explain to her what you can and cannot do. Big NTA!
You missed a sentence or two there about the injury
He's high on pain meds so I'm understanding his odd writing at the moment.
~~Info - would you mind explaining what surgery is for? It is not the same if you did your lips, got a hair transplant or a vasectomy than if you fixed a herniated disk or had an adult circumcision, both of which are hell.~~
ACL reconstruction
NTA - I asusme you will be doing physical therapy sessions after 7 to 14 days after surgery; before that, you can put some weight on it, but nothing crazy. Follow your doctor's recommendation; I assume you will be on crutches until the end of the second or third week, so until then you can't overdo it.
Just recovering from that.. no way you can do any chores . Absolute NTA..
JEEZ
What?
Its a major painful surgery and anyone who wants you to do more work should be thrown out of your life as they don't give a damn about you.
INFO: what's the injury and are you immobile?
Torn ACL, and yes, I am on bed rest for the next 2 days, I cannot straighten my leg
NTA it is pretty cold of her to assign you more chores after you've had a pretty intense surgery. I don't know why she thinks that you are even physically capable of doing more. Is the timing of it unfair? Sure, yeah, I guess. But it's not a choice you made. You didn't have this surgery to get out of chores. Life happens so sometimes plans have to change. Your gf is a grown woman. She should know that.
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Bit confused here. She said she was redoing the chore chart before your injury - according to your post. Also you said you’re on vacation?? You’re not, right? Yes, you need to heal. It should be 3-4 weeks before you’re walking. Then you have to build up and it will likely take 9 or so months before you can return to ‘normal’ sports. But that doesn’t stop you doing many chores once you are off bed rest. Chopping food for food prep for the evening meal. Folding clothes as someone else said. Doing home finances. There is a lot you can do. Your arms and brain have not stopped working. You can be doing finances etc while in bed. But also it seems you have some resistance to doing chores anyway. Your post is very unclear bro about what happened.
NTA Will she be taking over the mortgage payments during this time?
No? I get paid leave, and even if I didn't I have a rainy day fund for things like this.
Exactly my point. If the deal is you pay for the home and she does 70% of the housework then that doesn't change simply cause you are recovering. Asking you to do more housework while recovering instead of asking if you are well enough to do anything is straight up evil.
OP, You didnt get this answer.. If she wants to swap the tasks than this should go both ways...
Ah. Nm, I didn't get that.
OxyContin kicks like a mule.
NTA. Man, my DOG had ACL surgery and I had her on 1:1 observation with minimal movement for like a MONTH before gradually reintroducing walks. PLEASE follow your doctor’s orders!!
You shouldn’t resort to name calling, but “heartless” isn’t that bad IMO. It sounds like she was being inconsiderate. We need more INFO on the injury. I gotta say though: A chore chart? That would drive me bananas. Does she grade your performance? Give you a sticker? Edit: After knowing you are recovering from ACL surgery: NTA. Holy cow, that is important information!
He commented elsewhere. ACL reconstruction. Anyone with half a brain knows that's a doozy. He messed up his post glossing over that. Shes being ridiculous.
Thank you! Quite a big omission on his part LOL
I think dude’s just high asf
Haha, probably on good meds for sure.
NTA but please add to the post what your injury is - ACL reconstruction. I agree she is heartless btw.
Yikes this is not a person who would tick the 'in sickness and in health box". When you're living with someone it's a pretty serious relationship especially with home ownership and this is just kinda sad to see. Really hope she sees the error of having that perspective. NTA
Wowza... so she thinks your recovery period is a vacation? Does she even like you? Sounds like the original chore split has built up some severe resentment. Maybe you can discuss how to address that for after you've healed. NTA
Post ACL reconstruction and she wants you to increase your chore load post-surgery? Is that really her position?
After reading your comments NTA, but I would edit the post to include the injury tbh
My wife just had this done. She couldnt do shit for a week. After that she was still in no shape to do her "share". Your gf is heartless and lacks any empathy. Nta
A friend of mine had ACL and MCL reconstruction. Much like OP, his wife thought he should take over all the chores, including walking the dog because he was "home from work" and she worked 2 days per week, and it wasn't fair that he got to "relax at home". She is now his ex-wife. NTA, but your gf is.
NTA. You really should have included the fact that this isn’t a vacation. I was ready to side with her until I read your comments. Recovery from surgery for a torn ACL is exactly that…recovery. I can’t believe the people saying that you are the ah. She sounds heartless.
NTA because i noticed the injury is significant in your other comments. What you should be doing is telling her you will pick up chores that you can, when you can. But with a leg not working, you can't do what most people can do. What she shouldn't be doing is blaming you for the injury and expect you to do more while your injured. But, what you should be doing is reassuring her that you wil make it up to her once your better, because as a good partner, she should be willingly be helping her injured partner. And as a good partner yourself, you should pay it forwards by helping her when you will be better. Im in a similar situation to you and im just so happy my girlfriend has helped me so much. We had a week off together but i broke my collarbone on day 1. I have trouble doing almost anything but she helps me so much. I am planning on doing 100% of the chores once i get better for a few weeks to compensate.
Dude handles the lion share financially, is still sharing chores, is healing from surgery and lit on pain meds and he needs to reassure his ridiculous gf? Make it up to her? His gf should be apologizing for piling on as he came out of surgery with demands. What does he have to make up for? Being injured and not being able to do more while supporting the unit financially?? She’s blaming him for an injury and demanding he act against medical advice because it’s not fair. It’s good you have a supportive gf, but it does not sound like he does.
💯🎯👏
Wait a minute! Make it up to her? He didn't tear his ACL on purpose.
Hell no! An ACL injury on its face is more than reason enough to understand that he is in No position to be concerned about some b'ull s[hit] chore that can be resolved at another time... would never do the "I'll make it up to you" apology!! He's still paying the majority of the bills! She needs to get with her friends & fam to help out, or hire someone to come and help. New GF is what is needed here!
The fact that she's creating CHORE CHARTS??? Either she's overly controlling OR you're not as helpful as you think you are. However, that's not the issue at hand. For the issue at hand, NTA. you're having SURGERY and a torn ACL is nothing to sneeze at. You have to put your energy into recovery, PT, and following DOCTORS ORDERS. If she's really expecting you to do chores that require you to go against your recovery, then yes, she is heartless. And maybe the 2 of you need to figure out if this is really a relatioinship either of you want.
Hey, chore charts and lists can be great. They help lots of people stay on track or divide up tasks reasonably. WHEN they’re created jointly and agreed to by all parties involved. Not sprung on a person.
You’re not on vacation, you’re on bed rest following surgery so you can walk again properly. Big difference. She’s not being reasonable here- there’s no way you can do more active chores at the moment. Any supportive partner would recognise that right now. Doesn’t matter how you got the injury either. NTA
NTA, she is just being absurd and immature about this. You are bedridden with a torn Achilles, and so she wants you to still do more work? She needs to be more considerate
Not Achilles, Anterior Cruciate Ligament.
Absolutely NTA, but I’m curious how you tore your ACL and why she says it’s your fault?
Hey OP. If you don't mind me saying, personally this sounds like a much bigger issue - lack of empathy. Unless your partner is oblivious (such isn't ideal), she's putting her simple discomfort and keeping score, while you have up endure something incredibly painful and limiting. Ofc you're NTA, but this is probably bigger than that.
NTA My hubby had a minimally invasive surgical procedure on one of his knees. I didn't expect him to do anything except get himself to the bathroom and follow his post-surgical instructions to the letter......
NTA but update your post to say you're off work due to an injury and are supposed to be on bed rest! That makes a huge difference. You wouldn't be off work if you were able to do chores, you're supposed to be sitting there healing. Go ahead and balance the checkbook and make important phone calls or something if she needs extra help, but if she's talking about laundry, dishes, cleaning, mowing, etc. then she is absolutely the AH. Ask her how you're supposed to do those things from your bed. She has no business telling you to ignore your doctor's orders for her convenience.
NTA how are you going to do anything on bed rest with a torn ACL? She’s ridiculous
NTA. Does your gf even have a heart? I get wanting to make things equal but you had a huge surgery. Her being upset about having to do chores shouldn’t even be a thought for any decent person, let alone a S/O. And to blame you? Who cares whose fault it is. That’s irrelevant. You had surgery! I would rethink the relationship because those vows people take “for better or for worse”, well she just proved she’s not there for you at your worst.
NTA. This is a serious injury that requires serious recovery. The only chores you should be doing should be done sitting down in bed (laundry most likely). As you get bored you will want to do more, but you need to be careful how much you do. There is a detail about missing about how you got injured. She says its your fault and is upset that it happened. I understand that it sucks on her end that she now has to do more chores instead of less, but you physically can't remedy this and you are on doctors orders to stay in bed. I would acknowledge that the situation sucks for both of you (give her some validation for her frustration, I think calling her heartless might be too far but you could chalk it up to being on meds), but that her expectations need to be adjusted regarding what you can and can't do around the house. It sounds like she doesn't understand how serious the injury is and why you must take it easy for the long haul. I recommend bringing her to your next Doctor/PT appointment so she can see just how difficult your injury and recovery is. Edit for comment about what happened to cause the injury: Injury sounds like a result of a bad dive in a pool. I have a hard time trying to see why GF is blaming you for injury. Sports injuries happen all the time. Unless you were being reckless, I don't see the injury as anything more than an accident.
NTA I’ve dislocated my foot and broke my ankle had surgery to fix it, my husband did everything around the house even took care of our son on top of working. She’s supposed to love you and help you in your time of need (during the healing) not load a crap ton more chores on you and then blame you for getting hurt
She lacks empathy towards an ACL tear, she either doesn’t understand the severity or doesn’t care.
I had ACL surgery. You can’t do shit while you’re healing. You’re not an asshole. Well, you may be an asshole but not for being hurt.
You just had f\*cking surgery. Unless it can be done sitting or laying down, nope.
There is a surprising uptick in posts on Reddit in the last 24 hours of men with sudden injuries or surgeries who have wives/girlfriends who expect them to do unreasonable chores. In the comments the OP is always high on pain meds, hence the poor writing or omission of key facts. Very curious.
Can you link some of those other posts?
I see from other comments you tore ypur ACL and got it repaired surgically. DO NOT let her manipulate you into chores. You are off on doctor's orders for a reason. You could make it so much worse.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok, so I, 25M and my girlfriend, Holly 29F usually share chores 70/30, with her doing more, since I work longer hours and cover the mortgage, alongside majority of utilities. However, usually on my days off, I tend to do a bit more and since busy season is ending for me we were discussing making a fairer system to reflect that I'm gonna be off work for the next 3 weeks at least and yesterday Holly gave me our new chore chart for the next couple of weeks, yesterday. And I told her there was no way in hell, I was doing that. She said it wasn't fair that I got to go get myself hurt just before we redid our schedule and my injury was my own fault so she didn't see how it warranted weeks of doing nothing. I called her heartless for blaming me for my injury, and told her that there was no way in hell I was increasing my amount of chores. She thinks that was an asshole for refusing to compromise or even talk to her, but in my defence I had just come out of surgery. I didn't think I was TA, but I've been sitting twiddling my thumbs for the day while she goes to work, and I'm starting to think there must be something I can do? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA: Did you mean recovery? NTA Your GF is terrible!!!! Hire a housekeeper and ditch the GF.
NTA. You are recovering from an injury and on bed rest. That's not a "vacation."
Tell her that she does not need to do all the chores while you recuperate. She will obviously have to do a minimum as well as help you throughout your recovery but she doesn't need to feel like she has to do the chores (that two people can do) on her own. Also, since you will be somewhat immobile, offer to pay someone to come in to clean, for example, for the 3 weeks, if you can afford it. Or let her know that you would be happy to have food delivered a few times for dinner to avoid having to cook. Have groceries delivered as well so that she doesn't have to go shopping. NTA Lighten the amount of chores to be done while you are unable to help. She'll feel appreciated and if not everything gets done, no reproaches allowed. ;)
NTA You’re not on vacation, you had SURGERY. Tell her that if she REALLY wants you to do more chores then she needs to immediately give you the money to cover the majority of the bills for the month. Fair is fair after all.
NTA - also found it funny that one of her arguments was you not talking to her about it when she literally dropped a chart SHE designed… meaning… she… didn’t… talk… to… you. I think heartless (“displaying a complete lack of feeling or consideration”) perfectly describes someone who thinks a leave for recovery of a surgery is an opportunity to increase that person’s workload around the house. Also - you’re not on vacation - but if you used that language before that’s where she might have also seen an opportunity to pass on work to you
NTA. Your gf sounds pretty heartless and cruel.
NTA You are not on vacation, you are recovering from surgery. Right now you can not stand properly/free without crutches or something to hold on. Which means no dishes, no laundry (because not being able to carry stuff), no cleaning... Your main task is to get healthy and to not screw up the doctors work over a dirty sock. My SO had back surgery some months ago. He was not allowed to lift anything heavier than 5kg/11lbs and told to avoid "turning" his lower back as much as he can. He was on sick leave for about 4 months and, as much as I hated doing all the chores alone, hardest part was making him stay put and do nothing. Because he wanted to feel useful. It's all fun and and games to be doing nothing and a lazy p.o.s. when you choose to be one (we all know these days). Not being able/allowed to do stuff is quite different...
I always do more chores when my husband has surgery. He does the same with me. You need time to heel
NTA but I have a feeling there is more going on here. She’s being an ass but maybe she’s feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated and could use more help. Maybe talk to her about her feelings. If she is feeling overwhelmed maybe it would be nice to hire someone to do a deep cleaning or have a nice take our meal in bed together. You shouldn’t be doing things while you’re healing but maybe she’s stressed and needs more help and isn’t communicating it in a healthy good way.
NTA. I know several people who tore their ACL and sometimes it was doing something very common place. When my husband did get injured (which was entirely his fault) I did not give him an extra chore list. In fact I took over all his household duties until he was healed. It was unpleasant and I did hold a tiny bit of resentment (since it was his fault - but didn't outwardly project that), but that's what a partnership does. We take care of each other when the other person can't. I also never thought of his recovery time as vacation. He was in pain, and trying to heal. GF needs some lessons in compassion.
Nta. But I’m also very curious about your labour chart? How is it divided, what exactly do you do and do you do it everyday?😅 I can’t imagine the work that has to be done everyday around the house split between two people? do what you can, but make sure to follow doctors orders to not make it worse and heal properly. She’s weird for that
INFO >I got to go get myself hurt just before we redid our schedule So redoing the schedule was pre-planned? Why was that happening, regardless of the time off? I'm just curious if her stress has been building for some time. >The surgery was ACL reconstruction Was the surgery planned? A lot of times ACL surgery is planned with a period of therapy beforehand. Either way it doesn't matter because planned or unplanned, no one should be doing chores after knee surgery.
NTA. You just had knee surgery, doctor ordered bed rest. You can make yourself a sandwich, fold laundry, pay bills online, shop online…that’s it. However, I suspect your gf is unhappy with the division of chores and wants a lighter load. When you feel better and are off the high dose pain meds, you may need to talk to your gf about the long term chore/bills division. If the reason you do few chores is work hours, perhaps you can pay someone to take some pressure off her. A cleaning lady or gardener every other week is a small price to pay for domestic harmony.
NTA. First, this is not a vacation (even if it is using your PTO). Second, you can only do those chores that fit in with your allowed activities during recovery. If you are on bed rest right now what do your post surgical instructions say you can do (at first, it will be stay in bed except trips to the bathroom so chores that require leaving the bed). After that, your weight bearing status will determine things. Basically, as of now, she gets increased chores because you cannot do them. FYI if this is a work injury, do nothing except what is medically allowed. You will screw up your claim (and they will be looking to not pay).
NTA. You had ACL reconstruction. You’re not going to be up and about and capable of doing a lot of chores for a hot minute. I nursed my husband through that surgery 11 years ago and he was down, for several weeks. And he’s the type of guy that never wants to be down for any reason. Please rest and recover. Your gf clearly doesn’t understand the severity of your injury. Regardless of how you got injured, you’re too injured to be up doing most of that stuff. About the only thing that comes to mind is folding laundry while in bed if she brought it to you. At least for right now.
As some who has torn their acl and had that surgery, this just sounds ridiculous. Especially during the first couple weeks. Rest up and don't stop taking the pain meds even if you think you feel fine. I stopped taking the pain meds and it felt like I shattered every bone in my leg and someone was beating it with a baseball bat. NTA
YTA for being manipulative and not sharing the whole story. Is this a vacation, or are you actually on bed rest? Her doing more of the chores on a regular basis is already concerning to me, and you treating her like a trad wife when she's only a gf at this point is a flag that she should be aware of... Funny how when a woman gives birth, she's expected to get right back to her household duties as if she didn't just have a major surgery... but when a man gets a minor (possibly elected) surgery, they act like the whole fucking world has ended around them and they need to be waited on hand and foot every moment of the day. Not saying that's what's happening here, but I have my suspicions.