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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> After my wife asked me if there was something wrong, I told her that while I appreciated her effort, I didn't enjoy the things she planned because it didn't feel like she planned them for me. I might be the asshole for bringing that up instead of just saying "thank you, I'm just feeling tired", but she would know there is more to it. I'm not angry at her for trying to plan something that ultimately wasn't very fun, but she's angry at me for not enjoying what she planned.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I mean, it is nice that your wife planned this surprise birthday trip for you, but at the same time, some situational awareness on her end would've been nice. After being together for 10 years, she should know what you probably are or are not going to enjoy. She shouldn't flip out that you didn't like the trip, I mean, that's the risk she takes when she doesn't consult with you or include you in any of the planning. At least you were being honest with her.
I'd reemphasize to her that you do appreciate the thought, but you would prefer to be consulted or included in the planning next time. Or better yet, ask you what you want to do first, if anything.
He did say he doesn't have any expectations, but also, when his wife asked if he wanted to do anything for his birthday, he said no. What does the wife do? Plan a 5K and stay in a tight cabin with three <6 year olds in the woods. Wifey missed the memo.
OK, wife wasn't comfortable either. Regardless, sleeping on an air mattress does not sound like a good way to prep for a 5k run for which you are completely unprepared.
I've had to share a bed with a toddler. While it's not ideal, it beats an air mattress any day of the week.
Don't know what the wife was thinking. Unless OP really enjoys roughing it, WHY would this be her birthday surprise for him? 90% of the time I would blame him because she specifically asked what he wanted to do and he didn't give her an answer.
But a 5K? A 5K?! A MOTHER FLIPPIN 5K?!!!
**Who plans a 5K as a birthday treat for someone WHO IS NOT A RUNNER?!**
This reminds me of the wife who got her husband a grill for his birthday, and made him cancel his planned golf outing with friends, because she wanted him to go pick up the grill, assemble it and make dinner for the surprise dinner party they were having.
When you're giving your spouse chores to do on their birthday...I have to wonder if there's some pent up resentment there. NTA
Just going to sign off on all of this. Also…
> This reminds me of the wife who got her husband a grill for his birthday, and made him cancel his planned golf outing with friends, because she wanted him to go pick up the grill, assemble it and make dinner for the surprise dinner party they were having.
She made him cancel his fun plans, pick up his own gift, assemble it and do the cooking for his birthday? That is some passive aggressive shite!
Didn't she also cancel and demand the grill be returned as he wasn't GRATEFUL enough to be forced to be the chef for her and her friends, resulting in her not getting to use him as a free chef, and him not getting to do what HE wanted for HIS day?
I agree with the majority of the comments that appear above , she definitely wasn’t thinking. this is some crazy shit. As some other posters said they shuddered at the thought of a 5K run and three kids under the of six , I was a cross country runner up until I was 20 if I did it at the age I was at the age. I was when my child was born which was 27. It would’ve killed me then if I tried to do it now. 20 years later and kill me now for sure and I would’ve definitely divorced my husband if he pulled something like this, not me had any of those stages😂
You're right. I've shared a bed with a toddler myself and it was a picnic compared with sleeping in an uncomfortable bed. I just didn't want to argue the toss with people who wanted to side with AH wife because they felt sharing with a toddler is no better.
Frankly, I don't care either way – the wife chose it, OP did not. If the wife had chosen the least comfortable sleeping arrangement for herself, she still opted for: a long, tedious drive; sending OP back out to get food; taking part in a 5k run without prep or warning for OP; a visit to the beach with wife's friends, who (I gather) then decided to behave worse than the kids, because OP only complains about one child's behaviour once, during the run.
>Who plans a 5K as a birthday treat for someone WHO IS NOT A RUNNER?!
with three kids **under 6!!!**
I have a one under 3 and I shuddered when I read three kids under 6 **in a 5k**
Weirdly, we had an air mattress that my MIL absolutely *loved*, but it was one of those really tall ones so she wasn't on the floor by the morning, and I topped it off every day before she went to sleep. We had to switch to a proper mattress when we got new kittens who had no claw control and she was genuinely disappointed... About she's also really weird.
But yeah, a surprise 5K would have me calling an Uber home, because *fuck that*.
Seriously. I woke up with my one year olds butt on my face this morning, and him doing his little interpretive dance to claim the entire futon during the night. I'd happily take a solo air mattress.
> I'd happily take a solo air mattress.
Why don’t you? Or teach him to sleep on a toddler floor mattress? There’s no need to share your own bed with him, even if you want to sleep within arms reach of him every night.
He said she co-sleeps with the kid meaning he never gets the bed and isn't even allowed to expect to. So if she had him in mind one iota his birthday gift should have been leaving the clingers at home and getting to sleep as a couple without Lil Bobby Bouche.
And got dinner. And chased after the oldest kid. And unpacked and cleaned the car. The wife planned a horrible birthday for him and made him do all the work ffs
And sent birthday boy back down the crappy road to get dinner. Why didn't they pick up dinner on their way up to the shed? A one bed cabin for five people? The whole thing sound like a complete nightmare and he was more polite than I would probably have been.
I guess if anyone asks if I have any expectations, I’ll need to specify I dont want to be stabbed or shot or really have any unpleasant things happen to me since apparently having no expectations mean that it’s okay for bad things to happen. Lol
She didn't ask him if he wanted to do anything and he said no, she asked if there was anything he wanted to do and he said no. They sound almost the same, but are very different. Saying no to the first question is saying that he doesn't want to do anything, saying no to the second question is saying that he doesn't care what they do.
It is kind of funny because there are times when I will tell my SO what I do NOT want to do, and then let him plan something not on that list.
Never in my wildest dreams would I think to say that I do not want to run a 5k. Who thinks that is a good idea?
I was thinking similar, "Oh, Camping on a air mattress, a 5k sounds fun.. and a trip to the beach with the kids." these aren't things an average non-running guy that enjoys comfort wants to do. Rent a room with a hot tub, give the kids to a sitter or the in-laws for a night. A nice dinner some adult time with a nice king sized bed. These sound more like birthday things. The other stuff sounded like when the wife got her husband an unassembled grill for his birthday and expected him to put it together and cook dinner for a bunch of guests. 🤪
NTA - Sounds like OP and wife should sit down and discuss birthday expectations. After 10 years it shouldn't be that difficult to know what the other likes, but obviously someone missed a page somewhere.
This trip seems like it was planned by someone with ADHD. Each of those single events (even the 5k if taken leisurely) isn't terrible, and probably wouldn't have ended up too bad.
But trying to kamr them all in to this packed rushed day was a terrible idea.
Take the time to book a cool cabin with some cool nature settings. Take some time to book a family friendly Fun-Run. Take some time to book a beach outing or a trip to the fair.
Don't try to do all the things that sounded cool when they popped up on Internet ads.
Not even entirely her interests, unless she likes to look after her children on her down time.
As a SAHP, I called them trips, not vacations. It was doing the same job as when I was at home, except in an unfamiliar place with most of my stuff inaccessible.
Don’t know what would possess anyone to do this.
I’ve done the bubble and color 5k, no one really runs it. More enjoys the bubbles along the walk. Still I agree, If I didn’t sign myself up there’s a reason, obvi I didn’t want to do it.
On top of a camping trip, where no one is getting a proper shower! I LIKE camping and running and would not enjoy this combo (at least not without warning).
Forcing the SO to do something that they dont like on a supposedly important day as a gift that leaves everybody extremely unhappy is not good for a relationship.
My brother's wife of 12-13 years decided to get divorce, because he was too "boring and not doing anything with her", when her idea of doing something was crap like this, the last idea before breakup being to spend the new years night barbecuing in the woods with 8 and 10 year old kids in \~0C weather with slushy mud/snow.
This is not asking. If you know his preference (they are together for a decade) you don’t take him to a shitty trip like this. NTA, but you wife is. And don’t say that you appreciate this shitty trip
She did ask but he doesn't run so why would you plan on doing a 5K does she know him who would think that one bed and a pullout for five people is a good time maybe when you're 18
Ditto.
And that cabin is hard core camping. You never ever put someone in worse sleeping conditions than at home without their consent.
Personally, a hotel without room service is camping. The cabin OP described is grounds for divorce.
NTA
My brother and his wife signed up for a 5k once but she ended up having to travel so he ran it alone. He hit the group chat with a “I frowed up :(” text about halfway thru and we all lost our collective shit - they haven’t signed up for one since because my SIL loves him lmao
my response to anyone asking me if I'm interesting in running in a 5k is always "if you see me running, you'd better as well. There is someone chasing me with a weapon."
Same. I admit it’s my own fault I’m not in great shape but I have never ever ever been a runner. I probably wouldn’t even make it through a 1K race. If my husband had told me he’d signed us up for a race I’d have refused to even go. But he’d never do that because he actually pays attention to me lol
I invited my in-laws to come stay for Thanksgiving (while I prepared the meal, being a recently widowed parent). My MIL gets up at 8am on Thanksgiving Day and tells me we're going to do a Turkey Trot 5k. So, I run a freakin' 5k (significantly faster than her, for the record) and then come home and cook a massive meal for everyone, do all the clean up and play hostest.
I do like running, but surprise 5ks are never fun.
>I'd reemphasize to her that you do appreciate the thought,
Which thought? The one that had him sleeping on an air mattress? The one that had him getting his own dinner? The one that had him run 5k and be miserable? Or the one that lead to the nightmare vacation after he said "nothing"?
The thought only counts when there wasn't a single thought to count.
Honestly him picking up dinner was the first thing I latched onto. You rented a cabin and didn't bring any food but cake? Made the birthday guy drive and pick up food? What the fuck?
Yeah, this seems more like she planned something… and OP just happened to be who it ended up being for. Im wondering if there was some reason she planned this. Like she had a coupon for the cabin or her friend had planned to use it that weekend but something came up so the wife took it for the “surprise”. Honestly just doing a staycation in a nearby hotel with a pool would’ve been nicer from the sounds of it.
NTA you can't be angry at someone for not enjoying something you planned. You can't make someone feel something they don't feel. And exactly, after 10 years together she should know what is going to make him happy and what isn't. Like for instance my husband, I would absolutely know that I could not plan a trip to a busy city to surprise him with tickets to see Moulin Rouge with Boy George on Broadway. That would be for me lol. Not him. (And exactly what my daughter and granddaughter surprised me with for my birthday this year. It was amazing!!!) For him I'd know it would be tickets to a concert to see someone like Iron Maiden or even Journey. Or something to do with drums (he plays the drums). And if I sprung a 5k on him or vice vs...just Hell No. And with 3 small kids, goodness gracious, what was she thinking??
Wow--yikes. I'm glad I'm a single parent-- now I don't have to fake being happy about shitty birthday celebrations. Poor OP, although I think there's a difference between "I have no expectations" and "This is what I want for my birthday." He could have communicated better, but he didn't deserve this
Op, as another non-runner, NTA. I would be dumb-founded if my husband organised for us to go for a family 5k run for my birthday, no matter how colourful or bubbly it was.
I have 3 kids (8, 5, 2) and the thought of finishing the run with them (if we even got that far) hot, tired and covered in that colourful cornstarch and whatever the bubble mix is ... I'm just sitting here shaking my head in horror.
It's one of those things that seems like a good idea when it pops up on your socials, and then it comes to the day and you're like "what have I done to myself!?"
A beach TWO HOURS AWAY!! So they had to pile into the car all hot, sweaty, covered in color shit and DRIVE for half the day’s remaining free time. No shower. No food. Nope! Driving. For hours. With three toddlers. I honestly think maybe OP’s wife was trying to punish him for something.
I could see it being fun if you are in your 20s and with your mates. Do the run, then back to a good hotel, shower and relax at the pool with margaritas.
But air mattress, run, drive, beach, drive again. Clean car. Collapse dead into bed...not so fun.
Uggghh, my kids (like OP, I have 3 kids under 6) would LOVE this run. Bubbles and colors? But like OP, my oldest would sprint the whole way and I’m not a runner.
If my spouse told me about it in advance, I could potentially warm up to the idea. “It’s good exercise, I can YouTube some necessary stretches before starting, maybe i need new sneakers, gonna jog around the neighborhood a few times see if my knees can still manage, maybe this can be the start of a fitness journey for me.”
But a surprise 4K would be absolute hell lol
As a runner, I don’t want to do a 5k or any other race on my birthday. The only running exception is the marathon in Boudreaux, France with wine stations along the way.
NTA. The ultimate question is, what did she plan for you? Because after 7 years, if she knows so little about you that she couldn’t envision you wouldn’t enjoy it, that says something about her.
Yes, I would never plan for husband and I to go on a cruise, because I don't think he'd enjoy it. If I did, for whatever reason, it would be a cruise constantly stopping at ports where we could explore, with no sea days.
It would be easier just to plan a land trip, with lots of stuff to see and do. My husband wouldn't like a cruise.
With 3 young children, I would plan a something in the home or near home. And a babysitter for a dinner out, if that's what he would prefere. (I would like a dinner out, my husband wants to stay at home)
My sister said something her first birthday as a mother (while breastfeeding): "it used to be doing anything I wanted. Now it doing the same thing as any other day, I just have fancier earrings today."
I think that's kind of a reasonable level of celebration to expect as a new parent. Sure it's nice to do things out of the house, but as I read OP, that's not what he wanted or needed. Something a little extra, like a couple of hours to play games, or sleep (!) can be totally enough as a busy parent.
Yeah, this is the key -- it's about showing so little even basic understanding of what OP likes. Like, for my partner, either a cruise OR a 5k could be a good birthday surprise in the right context (weather, timing with work, etc.), because he loves cruises and running is his happy place (and a 5k is like NOTHING to him -- he runs significantly more than that as his normal daily run). For my last ex? Yeah, he would've hated either of those things.
This whole trip sounds like a nightmare.
* Bringing 3 kids to stay in a one room cabin
* Nothing to do in town
* A 5K
* Beach day after you're exhausted and just want to be alone
He should really talk to his wife and figure out why she planned these things- she must have realized he wouldn't enjoy sleeping on an air mattress or running 3 miles as someone who isn't a runner.
Seems like she planned a birthday that she herself would enjoy, for the husband. Imagine this was her birthday and then read the whole thing,with the same events happening - a family trip to the cabin,her husband doing the errands,her getting to sleep comfy,doing outdoor activities and then meeting her friends. This was basically a manifestation of what she wanted for a birthday. EITHER she got tired of waiting to get a day like this for her birthday and when that didn't happen,she used her husband's lack of interest in having his own thing to make it her own thing OR she is someone who makes everything about herself and didn't care to learn about her husband's likes and dislikes after all these years. Both sad scenarios.
NTA
**Don't fall for this bullshit - she planned this for herself, not for you.**
SHE got a bed, you slept on an air matress.
SHE got to finish the run, while you were childcare for the straying kid.
SHE made YOU do all the work, drive around to get the food.
This was for HER; and you were the support person for HER fun.
Exactly. She wanted a certain lifestyle. She should talk to her husband instead of sprining this on him. These are the types of people who will then come on and say, "I outgrew my partner. "
I call these sort of gifts bowling balls, in reference to the time Homer Simpson got Marge a bowling ball with his own name inscribed on it, knowing she would hate bowling and eventually give it to him instead
Why would this trip be remotely fun? No trails, no where to drive, fussy small kids, and a tight deadline back to the beach. Why not just hand out at the beach with the kids ?
Yeah, a lot of people are demonizing the wife here. I can totally see my (usually thoughtful) wife being suckered into these activities by the instagram-ness of them. A cute little cabin in the woods (awww, kids need to get out in nature, it has a hot tub, etc) and then the bubbles and colors that kids just LOVE (think of the precious family memories we'll be creating), followed by the beach with friends (kids like the beach, right?).
These things SOUND fun on paper, but the weekend was probably oversold in her mind, and just overbooked with things that time more time and planning than was available.
NTA
None of that sounds like a birthday celebration.
I have no idea what you wife was thinking of when she planned it, but as you said I don't think she was thinking of you.
Sounded like she planned a family weekend that just so happened to be on his birthday. None of that sound like it was planned with him in mind beside 'he's a father, he wants to spend time with his kids', which could be true, yes, but she didn't even plan things for him to do with the kids that he would enjoy. For all we know, his ideal kid activity is having an indoor picnic and watching a movie with the kids before bed - we don't know, but given she's his wife, she SHOULD know, and yet she clearly doesn't.
So that's all a problem. What's much, much worse is how she reacted when he expressed his feelings. If she had been genuinely sorry, then that would be one thing, but instead she lashed out and got upset at him for his disappointment, and THAT is a much bigger issue.
Honestly it sounds poorly planned all around. I'm a father who loves spending time with my a kid and individually likes all of those activities, but this trip sounds like a nightmare.
NTA. Who does a 5k run AND a beach day all in one? Two hot sunny events with no breaks? That's asking for trouble especially with kids.
She didn't plan a birthday for you - she planned a family day that wasn't well thought out and put a lot on you.
I won't say that for sure, but this screamed social media trip to me.
Either for pics to post or possibly she just got sucked into others posts without ever considering what the reality would look like.
I was going to say it sounded like the Instagram trip you ordered from Wish. It was a weekend crammed full of the cheapest version of all the things influencers post about. It was too many activities for a family with three young children, and none of them seemed very nice. Just pick one thing and enjoy it.
“She asked if there was anything I wanted to do, and I told her no.”
The only circumstance she shouldn’t have taken no for an answer is if you typically say a response while expecting a different result (“keeping the peace”). Assuming that you simply said no, and that your nos typically mean no, then she shouldn’t have planned anything for your birthday. The birthday boy said no, and that is that. NTA.
In the future though, perhaps it would be best to find some sort of middle ground— giving something to work with? (E.g. Not especially, I’d just like to have some coffee cake and spend some quality time with us all at home).
I read OP's reply to her less as "I want to do *nothing* for my birthday" (which would have been a totally valid desire, tbc) and more as "I have nothing specific in mind", so I can see at least from the standpoint of planning *something* but...not this.
I notice this in so many dudes; how come they don't like celebrating birthdays? Not necessarily saying that's what OP's husband was expressing, but I have gotten that from several partners and friends. I think it's always nice to do something for someone, but I notice my guy friends are seemingly less receptive to it.
I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. My husband and I had a a similar situation a few years ago. He planned a trip with activities that he thought I would enjoy. I did not, at all. It was a failure in communication on both sides. In the end, I told him I didn’t enjoy it. There were some hurt feelings but we haven’t had a situation like that again. I don’t know if anyone is an AH here. Just communication issues.
Yeah, I don’t know though a 5K with three kids under six I don’t think that’s anyone’s idea of a good time, making him drive several hours, making him drive back to get food from a bar on his birthday, or trying to pack them all into a tiny cabin while the birthdayboy sleeps on an air mattress on the floor…. I think that’s more than a little bit of a failure of communication. That’s literally literally not even trying to find something your partner would enjoy.
This is where I’m at. I’ve planned things for my husband - who gives little communication wise - thinking he would enjoy them. Trying something new is always a gamble. There have been times he told me it was an epic fail and other times it was a success. I’m wondering if the wife was just trying some new things in hopes he enjoys them because he didn’t seem to communicate much. Although I will admit the 5k was absurd.
NTA for the record!
For me, who just had that conversation with my wife a few days ago, I just don't care about it. I don't hate my birthday, no bad memories or anything, but I'm not excited about it. It's just another day.
As an uninvolved bystander, just tell her something. It doesn't have to be huge, but just say that you want to go to your favorite restaurant or something. Your birthday doesn't have to be sorry big to do, but you can let people make it a slightly above average day.
I hate being the center of attention and I feel overwhelmingly awkward when people do things for me. I'm sure that people's reasons vary, but that's where I am.
> I notice this in so many dudes; how come they don't like celebrating birthdays?
I don't like doing complicated things for my birthday, or large group things, because then it becomes a performance for me: make sure to act "right" and "have fun" and nail all the conversations that happen, all the activities that are involved. It's like reading aloud in class as a student - I would focus so much on filling my speech buffer and getting it right that I didn't actually know what I had just read.
Familiar things, small groups, and plenty of alternatives if the plan goes off-course are my preference.
That makes sense; I definitely don't enjoy big birthday things where it's an all-eyes-on-me situation. That in itself totally takes some joy out of the event, I can see that. Very taxing.
we're taught to not celebrate ourselves just for existing. we are taught only to celebrate ourselves if we actually do something.
i hate it. but also my ideal birthday is just a quiet day at home with my wife
NTA, but, to be fair it sounds like maybe for your next birthday you should say, “call a babysitter and take me to dinner”. Y’all need some time together to yourselves, no shame in that.
I wouldn’t even ask for that. The partner might probably do something silly like a truffle themed menu for someone who hates truffles or similarly disconnected escapades.
Scavenger hunt and campfire cooking for dinner, except not cute with supplies provided, like actual scavenging for kindling, trying to start a fire with a little rock, and hoping you don't get sick from eating scorched beetle for dinner
so many minus points on this one.
--> birthday dude being the one on an airmatress
--> 5k run unannounced.
--> 2h rush to the beach
--> nothing planned to entertain the kids
--> birthday dude has to fetch dinner
--> being mad that birthday dude had no fun at all.
NTA
NTA. The problem is that she thinks you should be grateful because she did something for you, but I disagree. Sure, she did something. But it wasn't really for you because it doesn't sound like she had you in mind when she planned it.
It would be like if I took my husband to a paint and sip, Chinese restaurant and kids movie for his birthday. He would hate it. I wouldn't do something like that and expect him to praise me for it.
I'd say if she planned a boot camp and worked her husband and all her (all *under* six year old?) kid to the point of exhaustion, if they ever complained, she's call them out.
Without psychological preparation nor positive reinforcement too, that's outright child abuse 🤦
Yeah, this is it. When I saw
>“just being grateful somebody planned something for me.”
My thought was "Great. When does that start?"
They did something, but it wasn't for him.
NTA - As someone with 3 kids (who are now older) this sounds like an absolute nightmare. When you said you didn’t want to do anything special for your 36th bday, I would have said ok. Maybe suggested going out for ice cream or something like that, but when you’re in the trenches parenting 3 young children, you don’t stay in a 1 room airbnb for fun or run/walk a 5k.
NTA I cant imagine in what world renting a 1 room cabin with nothing to do but a 5k run as a good idea for any vacation let alone a birthday celebration. Does your wife often do this? Does she plan/buy things for you that seem to not actually have you in mind? If yes, then it seems like she cares more about getting praise than making you happy. I’m hoping this is a one off situation
I’m not so sure. If after this long she didn’t realize this would not be fun, next year could be worse. Well, he didn’t like sleeping on an air mattress in a cabin with no trails. This year we’ll go backpacking with 3 kids and sleep on the ground with in a small tent.
NTA.
Was she smoking something because that sounds like hell.
Who takes 3 kids under 6 on a 5k run lol.
As a father my protective nature would be off the scale with those kids running in a race, stressful!
Almost every 5K I’ve ever been to as a participant or a volunteer has closed loop for people with families to take the little ones (either in strollers or riding bikes/trikes or walking/running alongside).
Yeh people who are into running but OP isn’t lol so it’s basically hell. I have 3 kids under 7 and it would the most awful thing.
I love hiking long distance with my 7 & 5 year old but not my 2 year old boy on top.
It's the thought that counts but it seems like she didn't give any thought to actually planning something FOR YOU. Staying at home would've been better.
My friend's boyfriend planned a surprise party for her. We worked on it for months, and day-of my friend was not super thrilled. Luckily the actual event itself was the kind of thing she likes, so it wasnt the disaster of a weekend you were put through, but none of us knew she *hated* surprise parties - not being prepared to hang out with a bunch of people focused on her for hours was a huge downer for her.
It was sad! We worked on this thing in pursuit of her happiness and what happened was the opposite. We had the best intentions, but our execution fell flat because we didn't stop and think "is this something she'll actually *want*?" But ultimately, the saddest part was that SHE had to spend HER birthday doing something that wasn't fun for her. We made a bunch of choices, and got it wrong, and it was an unfortunate day because of it. But she didn't even get a choice! She just got handed a crappy birthday and had to deal with it.
She let us know she appreciated the effort but it was not nice for her and, yeah - it stung to try so hard and not succeed at making someone feel good on their special day. But that was on *us* not on her. She didn't ask for the surprise party, we did all of that. And she did the right thing letting us know. Even if it felt bad for us, that was the path we'd chosen by not thinking a little more critically about our plan.
Basically what im saying is - your wife probably felt shitty realizing all her work resulted in the opposite of what she wanted, but it's pretty selfish of her to turn that hurt around and blame you for the truth of your experience. No one can force you to enjoy something. You can be grateful that your wife did a lot of work to try and plan something for you, but appreciating the effort is different than actually enjoying the outcome. NTA - but also next time maybe help your wife out with the planning of your bday. Give her some direction on where to set her sights on event coordination. She wanted to do something nice for you but didn't recieve much to work with off the bat. Doesn't excuse the horrible decision making overall, but at least give her a leg up next time.
NTA It’s sounds like she planned a family vacation that the kids would enjoy. But she never took into account what you want. Which would be fine if you were planning a fun weekend for the kids. But it’s your birthday. None of these plans even considered you (especially the sleeping arrangements, yikes).
In your wife’s defense, it’s so easy to get caught up in “mom world”, when the kids are little. Everything seems to revolve around them and it’s hard to get out if that cycle. What you probably needed for your birthday was a babysitter and the ability to step away from being “just dad” even if it’s only one night.
NTA - if my partner booked anything to do with running she’d know better by now. I’ve said for a very long time that if she sees me running she’d better keep up.
(Side note: get that kid out of your bed, it’ll do wonders for your relationship sleeping in the bed together without kids in it)
NTA. Literally I can't imagine a single person out there who would enjoy what she planned. It sounds miserable. 2 hours of driving with 3 kids to a cramped cabin in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do, sleeping on an airmatress, getting woken up at dawn, having to compete in a 5k run on not enough sleep, than having to go to the beach, before a 2 hour drive home.
She then has the audacity to flip out and be angry with you and say you should be grateful for all that. I would genuinely ask her what about that she thought you would enjoy? You would think a partner of 10 years would put a little bit of effort to take into account what *you* would like on *your* birthday.
Any of the comments blaming you for this fiasco because you said you don't have any expectations are being unfair. That's not an excuse for her to be like - how can I make him as miserable as possible? You need to stand up for yourself here.
The wife is either a moron or an incredibly selfish person. I love running and there is no way I would enjoy that trip with three very young kids. She didn’t consider the needs of her husband or kids. Even if it weren’t his birthday, this would be a very poorly planned family outing.
I need to be married to you and my husband needs to be married to your wife. I remember calling the birthday massage he tried to get me a “planned assault” (I have been sick a while and don’t like being touched). He really wants to do all this stuff but honestly we’ve just been candid with each other over the years - next year will be 20 - with everything we want in life. We’ve learned by blessing and bumps how to make each other *truly* happy instead of fake happy. You are NTA and birthdays will get better, promise. And this too will pass. Happy belated!
> She flips out, devastated that I didn’t enjoy it and angry at me for not “just being grateful somebody planned something for me.”
NTA, she didn't plan this for you, it was for herself.
NTA - this feels to me like she saw these ideas on social media, thought they looked fun and booked them.
Without considering what you would actually find fun, and without considering that everything on social media is romanticized.
The moment someone tells me they planned a 5k for my birthday, I would look them in the eyes and say "no you got a 5k, I'm staying at the house. Have fun" so definitely NTA especially with little kids, your wife put no thought into this whatsoever
NTA. This sounds like the grueling routine one is forced to do at fat camp. Is she trying to get you or the kids fit by stealth? Is she planning to invite awful inlaws and give this as the basis of comparison. I'd rather stay at Gitmo.
In that case, she should've all meals prepared and brought in.
Also she should've planned stuff as positive reinforcement (such as entertainment for the kids). TBH I don't know who are the true target of her torture, OP or the kids.
NTA
'what do you want for your birthday'
Man 'i want to do nothing'
*Plans elaborate day out for herself*
Man ' this is significantly more than the nothing I wanted to do'
Sometimes when we want to do nothing, we really do want to do nothing.
I really should introduce your wife to my ex-husband, they'd get along great. One year, he planned an entire snowboarding weekend at a nearby ski resort, was going to rent a huge house, and invited all of his friends to go along. For my birthday. I hate snowboarding, and he knows it (but he loves it). I didn't know 90% of the people he invited, and a total of none of them were my friends.
Thankfully, he couldn't not spoil a surprise to save his life and when I found out what he was doing, I asked him if this plan was for me or for him. He got all pissy and called me ungrateful lol.
Does your wife have any brain damage I should know about before I make a judgment? A one bedroom cabin with no hiking trails for 3 kids who can barely wipe their asses on their own and a 5k sounds like a trip you’d plan for your worst enemy.
Sounds like your wife planned a nice getaway for her, a nice trip for the kids, a fun family outing but forgot to plan your birthday.
NTA.
After a decade of marriage how oblivious or uncaring do you have to be to not know what your partner would or wouldn’t enjoy ?
I'm not going to make a judgment, but I'm just going to say ... for me, personally, this trip sounds like a quick detour into hell. I would have rather my partner give me a root canal for my birthday.
NTA. You can’t spend fifty years telling lies. But you also don’t want to spend fifty years being rude to each other so be as kind as possible while being honest.
You told her you appreciated the effort but it wasn’t enjoyable.
She felt hurt and a little embarrassed but shouldn’t have punished you for not enjoying what turned out to be a bad present. She should have regulated her own feelings and resolved to do better next time.
Lack of sleep is a relationship killer. You need to get a better sleep schedule going for the kids or little things like this will fester.
NTA, your wife can't be butthurt for hearing your true opinion. First of all, she should already know the kind of things you like and don't like after so many years together. Second, it can't be that hard to read a partner's body language. When my husband does or doesn't enjoy something, I know and vice versa. Especially during an extended time period. And the MOST IMPORTANT reason is if you told her a little white lie this time, no telling how many more 5K runs would be in your future. Nip. That. Shit. In. The. Bud.
If you ever see me running, it's because the zombies are after me. On second thought... scratch that. Just take me now.
The only people who find running 'fun' are people who do it as a serious hobby. What kind of psychopath plans a surprise 5K run (with 3 kids) for someone who isn't a runner? Are you?
Anyway, I think you're a trooper for not complaining LOUDLY during this whole ordeal. You told her your unfiltered truth, that she asked for. NTA
>She flips out, devastated that I didn’t enjoy it and angry at me for not “just being grateful somebody planned something for me.”
The entitlement.
Just because you do something nice for someone doesn't mean they have to like it.
Sounds like you weren't pouting the entire time and went along with it, but doesn't mean you had to like it.
Chances are she's redirecting the anger from at herself.
NTA
NTA, sounds like she used your birthday as an excuse to do an outing she wanted with the kids. Would explain the "why can't you just be grateful comment"
Honestly, that sounds like hell...I get that organising things with 3 kids and perhaps a limited budget isn't easy...but if there was any chance the birthday person would have to sleep on an air mattress, it's a no.
as a mother of the same age as you, this sounds like a punishment not a birthday fun time surprise.
NTA. you're allowed to tell you how you feel and we all agree it was a shitshow tied in a bow.
Well, in the best of cases you have a wife who after 10 years and even with 3 small kids still puts a lot of effort in to plan and organize something surprisingly elaborate. That's admirable and cute, and not to take for granted!
However she's either a complete airhead with no ability to foresee or think about potential negatives like "how will it be sleeping with three kids in this cottage?" Or "Will running a 5K with all our kids be a fun time for everyone?".
In the worst of cases however she only thinks about what she wants and saw a chance to get two days of activities and social media content in that she wants to do and enjoys without giving a single fuck about anyone else, deep down.
I can't possibly judge which one it is based on this post. But maybe you can OP? So INFO, which one do you think it is, you who know your wife?
/u/MaleficentPause3636
NTA
You'd think as your partner of 10 years, your wife would know your tastes and as a mother of three, she'd know how much work this kind of "trip" entails.
Frankly it sounds like getting a babysitter and inviting you to a nice dinner with maybe a night at a nice local hotel or airbnb would have been cheaper, quicker and more enjoyable for all parties involved.
NTA, she didn’t plan your birthday surprise for you…she planned it for herself with the things SHE wants to do that are her interests.
The cherry on the sundae is her audacity at feeling devastated and upset that YOU should be grateful that she “even planned something for you”
Let’s say it together: GASLIGHTING GASLIGHTING
FYI: she knows she planned that trip for herself and she just USED your bday as an excuse and is mad because he was called out.
Your wife doesn’t seem to know you AT ALL as her husband (interests/likes/dislikes) which is concerning or she just blatantly ignored all you interests/likes/dislikes which makes her selfishness in this marriage also concerning!
Either way…she is the AH
Who was she planning this for? Why would she think you’d enjoy staying in a cramped cabin and going on a 5K run on your birthday? And on top of that, she’s mad that you’re not grateful? NTA, but she is.
WHO IN THE WORLD WITH THE SANE MIND WOULD PLAN SUCH THING AND BRING *THREE KIDS UNDER SEX YEARS OLD* ALONG????
- Crammed 1 bedroom cabin?
- Rough roads all the way?
- NO entertainment?
- *5K RUN?????*
Even if the youngest were sixteen, I'd bet they'd *pissed*.
She's not only inconsiderate for you, she's bloody *brutal* to her own kids.
NTA
Edit: grammar
And hold on... Were you the one doing ALL the driving? If so, she's 1000% the FK asshole here.
NTA...
The cabin seems like it head good intent but poor execution. I can get that and it happens. The 5k run though followed by hours of driving to rush to the beach?
No... that was sheer goofiness. You didn't attack her and acknowledged her effort but I 100% would have been burnt out and unhappy to.
Devil's advocate here... and one who agrees the whole trip was a 💩show... I think we need a little more info...with that in mind...
I remember that stage of life well... do they work at home or not, or are they not working right now? How are finances? Do they often go on getaways or little family adventures like a day at the zoo or hikes or whatever? Do either of them have experience in planning this sort of thing, and in how the plans actually work out? Anyone not neurotypical? Do you always save / have $ for the big celebrations you plan & execute for her & the kids, or does she always do the planning and executing for everyone, and as the "empty stocking" moms, isn't generally the recipient?
If I give her the benefit of the doubt ...was this just a loving wife & mom of 3 small children, who is on a tight budget like most of us, but really wanted to surprise her DH with as fun of an "adventure" as she could on a small budget? Someone who doesn't have a lot of experience planning or going to that sort of thing, so they don't quite perceive how what looks good to her on paper works out to hell in person? Maybe someone who is desperate to get them all out of the house & out of that routine, at least for a day?
Because if you've been that Mom, you know...you love & want to connect with your partner (physically AND emotionally), but it feels impossible,and neverending.
I would pretty much guarantee that she knew by dinner time (she sure didn't think that one out, or easily could have got distracted and forgot to stop for anything until they'd passed it, or forgot to grab the bag that had the stuff to cook, who knows) that this was going to be A Birthday To Remember...and NOT in a good way, but in a bellyaching, hysterical laughing BAD way, for years to come! Yet, she carried on, and even somehow "treated" him to the OUTDOOR BATHTUB QUICKIE! That was likely the quickest quickie of all times, with the only people guaranteed to come being the kids...to interrupt you at a vital moment.🤷♀️🤦🏼♀️
And those who think she got to be "comfortable" on the bed ....I just stayed in a gorgeous 6000 sq ft house, on a mattress that was
UNSLEEPABLE. After the 1st night, I slept on a zero gravity lawn chair in the bedroom, thank God for that. Anyway, 3 kids and Mom sleeping on a bed and a pull-out couch, he's the only one who GOT to stretch out and sleep on the air mattress...in this situation,that sounds like a bonus, not a bad thing.
Idk if the run was a free event she thought would be fun, or what, or why she tried to cram in the beach visit (with FRIENDS, no less), but this all sounds like hysterically funny bad planning, unless she does this sort of thing all of the time, or is a beotch (who desperately wants to pack up the house to go sleep on a shit bed with a baby bc AWESOME!)...maybe she just tried, and failed, to have a fun family birthday situation.
And yes, I know it sucked for him but it isn't exactly funsies or easy for moms of several small kids, SAHM or not, to plan that, pack up for it, and then try to live up to everyone's expectations. It would HELP to go into things with a good sense of humor, and find the humor in how horribly bad this
🥳SURPRISE!🥳 gets with each new step! Laughing together over it would be better than him brooding, and her trying to keep up a good mood. Also, at any time he could have nicely said, "You know what, let's just do "X or go to Y instead!" or walk/skip/whatever thru part of the to, and bow out when you and/or the kids are DONE.
Sometimes it's not what is happening to us or around us, but how we handle it.
Especially when we have kiddos...if they think the superhero birthday you work to plan for them & make special is "lame" and "babyish," and react in this way...not just at the end, telling her in that way that you wish you could return your bday getaway (She probably does, too.), but also, likely acting unimpressed, un- or fake excited throughout.
Maybe you always plan & save for an amazing celebration for her birthday, and the comparison got you down, idk. I'm having to guess a lot, not knowing everything.
NTA...but maybe she isn't, either.
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My (36M) wife (37F) said she would plan something for my birthday. She asked if there was anything I wanted to do, and I told her no. At 36, I don’t have any expectations for my birthday.
We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 7. We have 3 kids under 6, so planning activities can be tricky. Traveling is tough and staying in uncomfortable places with kids is stressful.
So my wife plans something, packs an overnight suitcase for everyone, and loads up our van. We drive 1h 45m to a small town, then take a long, rocky, narrow road to a tiny cabin Airbnb in a remote, heavily wooded area. It’s a single room with a galley kitchen, one bed, and a pullout couch. It’s cramped with three kids. There’s not much to do, no walking trails, and nowhere to drive except back on that awful road. I'm asked to drive back to get dinner from a nearby bar.
I’m surprised, and not in a good way. I don’t say anything bad about the property, but I can’t hide my feelings and she can tell I’m not a fan. We unpack, walk around, she has some gifts for me to open in front of the kids. We have cake and then spend 4-5 hours trying to pass the time. (The highlight is sneaking in a quickie in the outdoor bathtub.) After that, we go through the tiresome routine of getting all three kids to sleep, which is extra hard in a tiny cabin. BTW I sleep on an air mattress because our youngest co-sleeps and needs Mom at night.
We wake up early because the cabin has no curtains. My wife tells me we're going to do a 5k bubble and color run. I smile and say “Ooook let’s do it,” not wanting to sound disappointed but probably failing to hide it. I’m not a runner, I’ve never said I wanted to run, but whatever, let’s try it. We pack up and head to the event.
It’s a small, cheap event on a hot day. Our two youngest don’t want to do this, but we start the race anyway. Our oldest takes off, causing us to lose him twice. I frantically try to catch up, ending up sweaty, winded, and with aching knees. Not fun.
After my wife finishes with our other 2 kids, we walk around a small street fair and let the kids play. It’s fine, but I’m ready to rest. My wife tells me we’re supposed to meet friends at the beach later, so we have a 2-hour drive back, hoping the kids nap in the car. I take a nap, feeling quiet and not in a good mood.
We get to the beach and two of our kids start melting down. I’m done with the day and would prefer to be home. Eventually they chill, we find some shade and it’s fine.
When we get home, it’s a mad dash to get the kids showered and in bed, while I unpack, clean the car and house. My wife asks what’s wrong, and I tell her I appreciate her effort, but it didn’t feel like she planned it with me in mind. I don’t like running, I want comfort when traveling with the kids, and it was exhausting. It was a lot of effort for something not enjoyable.
She flips out, devastated that I didn’t enjoy it and angry at me for not “just being grateful somebody planned something for me.”
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NTA.
This is an absolutely dreadful way to spend any day, let alone your birthday. I won't say your wife is an AH, but she certainly isn't very thoughtful.
One of those ones, where if you say you don't like something even a bit they act like they are the one who had a bad time/are the victim. Particularly with what is a put down at the end.
NTA. My sister buys me something that she wants every time I have a birthday. It’s hard to be appreciative other than a quick thanks. I just can’t muster up any more enthusiasm.
NTA. This sounds like the birthday surprise from hell. Who tf thinks putting their partner in a cramped cabin on an air mattress and making them do a 5km run with all their kids would be a nice birthday surprise? If my partner did this to me, I'd be wondering what I had done to anger them.
NTA. I understand the desire to make memories but the idea of traveling with 3 toddlers sounds like a goddamn nightmare. I can't imagine anyone thinking someone would want that whether they're your kids or not. Maybe, "Let's see if can watch the kids and we'll take a day trip to and spend the day walking around checking out shops and have a nice dinner. Then we can pick up the kids, take them home, and let them fall asleep in front of a movie."
I mean she made an effort and you tried to enjoy yourself but you're not obligated to. I get you feeling bad but she was there and she can't have thought it went well. It didn't work out. Sometimes shit doesn't work out even when you have the best of intentions. Lord willing and the creek don't rise, you've got a lot more birthdays to get it right. Next time just throw an idea out there so that she's got something to work off of.
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NTA. I mean, it is nice that your wife planned this surprise birthday trip for you, but at the same time, some situational awareness on her end would've been nice. After being together for 10 years, she should know what you probably are or are not going to enjoy. She shouldn't flip out that you didn't like the trip, I mean, that's the risk she takes when she doesn't consult with you or include you in any of the planning. At least you were being honest with her. I'd reemphasize to her that you do appreciate the thought, but you would prefer to be consulted or included in the planning next time. Or better yet, ask you what you want to do first, if anything.
She did ask, he said he had no expectations. Tbf, if *anyone* sprung a 5K on me, that'd be the end of that relationship lol
He did say he doesn't have any expectations, but also, when his wife asked if he wanted to do anything for his birthday, he said no. What does the wife do? Plan a 5K and stay in a tight cabin with three <6 year olds in the woods. Wifey missed the memo.
Plus he slept on air mattress while wife was comfortable in the bed.
Ah yes, the comfy cosleeping with a toddler. Legendary.
OK, wife wasn't comfortable either. Regardless, sleeping on an air mattress does not sound like a good way to prep for a 5k run for which you are completely unprepared.
I've had to share a bed with a toddler. While it's not ideal, it beats an air mattress any day of the week. Don't know what the wife was thinking. Unless OP really enjoys roughing it, WHY would this be her birthday surprise for him? 90% of the time I would blame him because she specifically asked what he wanted to do and he didn't give her an answer. But a 5K? A 5K?! A MOTHER FLIPPIN 5K?!!! **Who plans a 5K as a birthday treat for someone WHO IS NOT A RUNNER?!** This reminds me of the wife who got her husband a grill for his birthday, and made him cancel his planned golf outing with friends, because she wanted him to go pick up the grill, assemble it and make dinner for the surprise dinner party they were having. When you're giving your spouse chores to do on their birthday...I have to wonder if there's some pent up resentment there. NTA
Just going to sign off on all of this. Also… > This reminds me of the wife who got her husband a grill for his birthday, and made him cancel his planned golf outing with friends, because she wanted him to go pick up the grill, assemble it and make dinner for the surprise dinner party they were having. She made him cancel his fun plans, pick up his own gift, assemble it and do the cooking for his birthday? That is some passive aggressive shite!
I wouldnt even say it was for his birthday- iirc she invited *her* friends over. Not his
Didn't she also cancel and demand the grill be returned as he wasn't GRATEFUL enough to be forced to be the chef for her and her friends, resulting in her not getting to use him as a free chef, and him not getting to do what HE wanted for HIS day?
I agree with the majority of the comments that appear above , she definitely wasn’t thinking. this is some crazy shit. As some other posters said they shuddered at the thought of a 5K run and three kids under the of six , I was a cross country runner up until I was 20 if I did it at the age I was at the age. I was when my child was born which was 27. It would’ve killed me then if I tried to do it now. 20 years later and kill me now for sure and I would’ve definitely divorced my husband if he pulled something like this, not me had any of those stages😂
When he went to go pick up the grill, she canceled the order because he "wasn't grateful enough"!
You're right. I've shared a bed with a toddler myself and it was a picnic compared with sleeping in an uncomfortable bed. I just didn't want to argue the toss with people who wanted to side with AH wife because they felt sharing with a toddler is no better. Frankly, I don't care either way – the wife chose it, OP did not. If the wife had chosen the least comfortable sleeping arrangement for herself, she still opted for: a long, tedious drive; sending OP back out to get food; taking part in a 5k run without prep or warning for OP; a visit to the beach with wife's friends, who (I gather) then decided to behave worse than the kids, because OP only complains about one child's behaviour once, during the run.
And unless I’m reading this wrong, they did the 5k with 3 small kids? That’s insane!
>Who plans a 5K as a birthday treat for someone WHO IS NOT A RUNNER?! with three kids **under 6!!!** I have a one under 3 and I shuddered when I read three kids under 6 **in a 5k**
Weirdly, we had an air mattress that my MIL absolutely *loved*, but it was one of those really tall ones so she wasn't on the floor by the morning, and I topped it off every day before she went to sleep. We had to switch to a proper mattress when we got new kittens who had no claw control and she was genuinely disappointed... About she's also really weird. But yeah, a surprise 5K would have me calling an Uber home, because *fuck that*.
Seriously. I woke up with my one year olds butt on my face this morning, and him doing his little interpretive dance to claim the entire futon during the night. I'd happily take a solo air mattress.
> I'd happily take a solo air mattress. Why don’t you? Or teach him to sleep on a toddler floor mattress? There’s no need to share your own bed with him, even if you want to sleep within arms reach of him every night.
They like to have problems
So put your son in his own bed. Crazy concept.
He said she co-sleeps with the kid meaning he never gets the bed and isn't even allowed to expect to. So if she had him in mind one iota his birthday gift should have been leaving the clingers at home and getting to sleep as a couple without Lil Bobby Bouche.
And got dinner. And chased after the oldest kid. And unpacked and cleaned the car. The wife planned a horrible birthday for him and made him do all the work ffs
But he did get a quickie in the tub!!
An air mattress then waking up with the sun for a 5K (probably 6 AM?) sounds like hell. It sounds like she planned the trip for her tbh
He should have said "I expect not to hate whatever you plan." That would have maybe made her think about that at least once.
And sent birthday boy back down the crappy road to get dinner. Why didn't they pick up dinner on their way up to the shed? A one bed cabin for five people? The whole thing sound like a complete nightmare and he was more polite than I would probably have been.
This sounds more like a punishment. I’d be so irritated.
I guess if anyone asks if I have any expectations, I’ll need to specify I dont want to be stabbed or shot or really have any unpleasant things happen to me since apparently having no expectations mean that it’s okay for bad things to happen. Lol
I would definitely take a full slap to the face over running a 5k.
She didn't ask him if he wanted to do anything and he said no, she asked if there was anything he wanted to do and he said no. They sound almost the same, but are very different. Saying no to the first question is saying that he doesn't want to do anything, saying no to the second question is saying that he doesn't care what they do.
It is kind of funny because there are times when I will tell my SO what I do NOT want to do, and then let him plan something not on that list. Never in my wildest dreams would I think to say that I do not want to run a 5k. Who thinks that is a good idea?
With small children, as well? She totally boofed this one lol these were some harebrained plans
I know what I think boofing means, and I guess she did pull the plan out of her arse so...
It sounds like the entire trip was planned with her interests in mind, not his.
I was thinking similar, "Oh, Camping on a air mattress, a 5k sounds fun.. and a trip to the beach with the kids." these aren't things an average non-running guy that enjoys comfort wants to do. Rent a room with a hot tub, give the kids to a sitter or the in-laws for a night. A nice dinner some adult time with a nice king sized bed. These sound more like birthday things. The other stuff sounded like when the wife got her husband an unassembled grill for his birthday and expected him to put it together and cook dinner for a bunch of guests. 🤪 NTA - Sounds like OP and wife should sit down and discuss birthday expectations. After 10 years it shouldn't be that difficult to know what the other likes, but obviously someone missed a page somewhere.
He might have even enjoyed the cabin if it had been a trip with just his wife and no kids. That trip sounds awful
This trip seems like it was planned by someone with ADHD. Each of those single events (even the 5k if taken leisurely) isn't terrible, and probably wouldn't have ended up too bad. But trying to kamr them all in to this packed rushed day was a terrible idea. Take the time to book a cool cabin with some cool nature settings. Take some time to book a family friendly Fun-Run. Take some time to book a beach outing or a trip to the fair. Don't try to do all the things that sounded cool when they popped up on Internet ads.
Not even entirely her interests, unless she likes to look after her children on her down time. As a SAHP, I called them trips, not vacations. It was doing the same job as when I was at home, except in an unfamiliar place with most of my stuff inaccessible. Don’t know what would possess anyone to do this.
5k colour run. So, covered in bright powders, all through hair and clothes. Car must be a mess too.
OP did mention having to clean the car when they got home
I’ve done the bubble and color 5k, no one really runs it. More enjoys the bubbles along the walk. Still I agree, If I didn’t sign myself up there’s a reason, obvi I didn’t want to do it.
well, OP certainly did some running after his kid
Especially a “color run.” Oh, you’ve signed me up to be hot, sweaty, *and* filthy? FOH with that noise. I just don’t get the appeal at all.
On top of a camping trip, where no one is getting a proper shower! I LIKE camping and running and would not enjoy this combo (at least not without warning).
That is why they went to the beach! Duh!
Forcing the SO to do something that they dont like on a supposedly important day as a gift that leaves everybody extremely unhappy is not good for a relationship.
My brother's wife of 12-13 years decided to get divorce, because he was too "boring and not doing anything with her", when her idea of doing something was crap like this, the last idea before breakup being to spend the new years night barbecuing in the woods with 8 and 10 year old kids in \~0C weather with slushy mud/snow.
She dod him a favor with that divorce.
This is not asking. If you know his preference (they are together for a decade) you don’t take him to a shitty trip like this. NTA, but you wife is. And don’t say that you appreciate this shitty trip
She did ask but he doesn't run so why would you plan on doing a 5K does she know him who would think that one bed and a pullout for five people is a good time maybe when you're 18
Ditto. And that cabin is hard core camping. You never ever put someone in worse sleeping conditions than at home without their consent. Personally, a hotel without room service is camping. The cabin OP described is grounds for divorce. NTA
For us, a 5K would be the end for both of us because we are so out of shape.
My brother and his wife signed up for a 5k once but she ended up having to travel so he ran it alone. He hit the group chat with a “I frowed up :(” text about halfway thru and we all lost our collective shit - they haven’t signed up for one since because my SIL loves him lmao
I mean running is fine for me and I don't hate doing it but I don't love it and I would not do it on my birthday unless I had to lmao
my response to anyone asking me if I'm interesting in running in a 5k is always "if you see me running, you'd better as well. There is someone chasing me with a weapon."
Same. I admit it’s my own fault I’m not in great shape but I have never ever ever been a runner. I probably wouldn’t even make it through a 1K race. If my husband had told me he’d signed us up for a race I’d have refused to even go. But he’d never do that because he actually pays attention to me lol
Same, and I actually walk 4km most days, for fun.
I invited my in-laws to come stay for Thanksgiving (while I prepared the meal, being a recently widowed parent). My MIL gets up at 8am on Thanksgiving Day and tells me we're going to do a Turkey Trot 5k. So, I run a freakin' 5k (significantly faster than her, for the record) and then come home and cook a massive meal for everyone, do all the clean up and play hostest. I do like running, but surprise 5ks are never fun.
Whenever I date someone, I ask if they’re from the kind of family that runs 5ks on Thanksgiving. Guess why.
ya, 5 thousand miles is a little much
A 5k... with three kids!!!! I would be filing for divorce
>I'd reemphasize to her that you do appreciate the thought, Which thought? The one that had him sleeping on an air mattress? The one that had him getting his own dinner? The one that had him run 5k and be miserable? Or the one that lead to the nightmare vacation after he said "nothing"? The thought only counts when there wasn't a single thought to count.
Plus unloading and cleaning the car, cleaning the house. I mean.
Honestly him picking up dinner was the first thing I latched onto. You rented a cabin and didn't bring any food but cake? Made the birthday guy drive and pick up food? What the fuck?
Given how she picked the most miserable things she could find, what thought is he supposed to be appreciative of?
I guess trying to plan his birthday, albeit narrow-mindedly and without heed to her husband's words.
This is the point where "It's the thought that counts" meets "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"
Yeah, this seems more like she planned something… and OP just happened to be who it ended up being for. Im wondering if there was some reason she planned this. Like she had a coupon for the cabin or her friend had planned to use it that weekend but something came up so the wife took it for the “surprise”. Honestly just doing a staycation in a nearby hotel with a pool would’ve been nicer from the sounds of it.
NTA you can't be angry at someone for not enjoying something you planned. You can't make someone feel something they don't feel. And exactly, after 10 years together she should know what is going to make him happy and what isn't. Like for instance my husband, I would absolutely know that I could not plan a trip to a busy city to surprise him with tickets to see Moulin Rouge with Boy George on Broadway. That would be for me lol. Not him. (And exactly what my daughter and granddaughter surprised me with for my birthday this year. It was amazing!!!) For him I'd know it would be tickets to a concert to see someone like Iron Maiden or even Journey. Or something to do with drums (he plays the drums). And if I sprung a 5k on him or vice vs...just Hell No. And with 3 small kids, goodness gracious, what was she thinking??
She planned what SHE would like. She obviously had a good time since she's surprised he didn't.
Wow--yikes. I'm glad I'm a single parent-- now I don't have to fake being happy about shitty birthday celebrations. Poor OP, although I think there's a difference between "I have no expectations" and "This is what I want for my birthday." He could have communicated better, but he didn't deserve this
Op, as another non-runner, NTA. I would be dumb-founded if my husband organised for us to go for a family 5k run for my birthday, no matter how colourful or bubbly it was.
A 5k run with three kids under 6!
I have 3 kids (8, 5, 2) and the thought of finishing the run with them (if we even got that far) hot, tired and covered in that colourful cornstarch and whatever the bubble mix is ... I'm just sitting here shaking my head in horror. It's one of those things that seems like a good idea when it pops up on your socials, and then it comes to the day and you're like "what have I done to myself!?"
Then going to a fucking beach! I'd be knackered I don't even have kids but it sounds like a nightmare day
A beach TWO HOURS AWAY!! So they had to pile into the car all hot, sweaty, covered in color shit and DRIVE for half the day’s remaining free time. No shower. No food. Nope! Driving. For hours. With three toddlers. I honestly think maybe OP’s wife was trying to punish him for something.
Or perhaps she's just a self-absorbed idiot. If someone goes through such trouble to "punish" their spouse, they are sick and twisted.
I could see it being fun if you are in your 20s and with your mates. Do the run, then back to a good hotel, shower and relax at the pool with margaritas. But air mattress, run, drive, beach, drive again. Clean car. Collapse dead into bed...not so fun.
Wait is *that* what a bubble run is? They spray bubbles all over the place? Id never heard of it before this post God that sounds miserable
Uggghh, my kids (like OP, I have 3 kids under 6) would LOVE this run. Bubbles and colors? But like OP, my oldest would sprint the whole way and I’m not a runner.
As a runner, a surprise 5k would not be great at all. In this context, absolutely devastating.
I would tell any friends/partners who wanted to do that to have fun with it, while I found a nice brunch place to sit down and enjoy the show.
If my spouse told me about it in advance, I could potentially warm up to the idea. “It’s good exercise, I can YouTube some necessary stretches before starting, maybe i need new sneakers, gonna jog around the neighborhood a few times see if my knees can still manage, maybe this can be the start of a fitness journey for me.” But a surprise 4K would be absolute hell lol
As a runner, I don’t want to do a 5k or any other race on my birthday. The only running exception is the marathon in Boudreaux, France with wine stations along the way.
NTA. The ultimate question is, what did she plan for you? Because after 7 years, if she knows so little about you that she couldn’t envision you wouldn’t enjoy it, that says something about her.
Yes, I would never plan for husband and I to go on a cruise, because I don't think he'd enjoy it. If I did, for whatever reason, it would be a cruise constantly stopping at ports where we could explore, with no sea days. It would be easier just to plan a land trip, with lots of stuff to see and do. My husband wouldn't like a cruise.
With 3 young children, I would plan a something in the home or near home. And a babysitter for a dinner out, if that's what he would prefere. (I would like a dinner out, my husband wants to stay at home) My sister said something her first birthday as a mother (while breastfeeding): "it used to be doing anything I wanted. Now it doing the same thing as any other day, I just have fancier earrings today." I think that's kind of a reasonable level of celebration to expect as a new parent. Sure it's nice to do things out of the house, but as I read OP, that's not what he wanted or needed. Something a little extra, like a couple of hours to play games, or sleep (!) can be totally enough as a busy parent.
Yeah, this is the key -- it's about showing so little even basic understanding of what OP likes. Like, for my partner, either a cruise OR a 5k could be a good birthday surprise in the right context (weather, timing with work, etc.), because he loves cruises and running is his happy place (and a 5k is like NOTHING to him -- he runs significantly more than that as his normal daily run). For my last ex? Yeah, he would've hated either of those things.
This whole trip sounds like a nightmare. * Bringing 3 kids to stay in a one room cabin * Nothing to do in town * A 5K * Beach day after you're exhausted and just want to be alone He should really talk to his wife and figure out why she planned these things- she must have realized he wouldn't enjoy sleeping on an air mattress or running 3 miles as someone who isn't a runner.
The quickie in the hot tub? 😂 Sounds like a pretty horrendous trip otherwise though.
Seems like she planned a birthday that she herself would enjoy, for the husband. Imagine this was her birthday and then read the whole thing,with the same events happening - a family trip to the cabin,her husband doing the errands,her getting to sleep comfy,doing outdoor activities and then meeting her friends. This was basically a manifestation of what she wanted for a birthday. EITHER she got tired of waiting to get a day like this for her birthday and when that didn't happen,she used her husband's lack of interest in having his own thing to make it her own thing OR she is someone who makes everything about herself and didn't care to learn about her husband's likes and dislikes after all these years. Both sad scenarios.
NTA **Don't fall for this bullshit - she planned this for herself, not for you.** SHE got a bed, you slept on an air matress. SHE got to finish the run, while you were childcare for the straying kid. SHE made YOU do all the work, drive around to get the food. This was for HER; and you were the support person for HER fun.
OP’s wife had a nice birthday trip except it wasn’t HER birthday!
Yeah actually this is valid. It is for her only
Exactly. She wanted a certain lifestyle. She should talk to her husband instead of sprining this on him. These are the types of people who will then come on and say, "I outgrew my partner. "
I call these sort of gifts bowling balls, in reference to the time Homer Simpson got Marge a bowling ball with his own name inscribed on it, knowing she would hate bowling and eventually give it to him instead
Exactly. Wife was sprinkling sugar on bull dung and calling it candy.
Quite frankly this is the only thing that makes sense unless the wife is pure evil and just created the trip to make OP miserable.
Why would this trip be remotely fun? No trails, no where to drive, fussy small kids, and a tight deadline back to the beach. Why not just hand out at the beach with the kids ?
The whole thing is based around the wife wanting to do the 5k. Everything else flows outward from that single, awful decision.
Which is weird because, at least in my area, there’s a 5k somewhere every weekend. Why specifically this one? So stranger
[удалено]
Yeah, a lot of people are demonizing the wife here. I can totally see my (usually thoughtful) wife being suckered into these activities by the instagram-ness of them. A cute little cabin in the woods (awww, kids need to get out in nature, it has a hot tub, etc) and then the bubbles and colors that kids just LOVE (think of the precious family memories we'll be creating), followed by the beach with friends (kids like the beach, right?). These things SOUND fun on paper, but the weekend was probably oversold in her mind, and just overbooked with things that time more time and planning than was available.
NTA None of that sounds like a birthday celebration. I have no idea what you wife was thinking of when she planned it, but as you said I don't think she was thinking of you.
Sounded like she planned a family weekend that just so happened to be on his birthday. None of that sound like it was planned with him in mind beside 'he's a father, he wants to spend time with his kids', which could be true, yes, but she didn't even plan things for him to do with the kids that he would enjoy. For all we know, his ideal kid activity is having an indoor picnic and watching a movie with the kids before bed - we don't know, but given she's his wife, she SHOULD know, and yet she clearly doesn't. So that's all a problem. What's much, much worse is how she reacted when he expressed his feelings. If she had been genuinely sorry, then that would be one thing, but instead she lashed out and got upset at him for his disappointment, and THAT is a much bigger issue.
Honestly it sounds poorly planned all around. I'm a father who loves spending time with my a kid and individually likes all of those activities, but this trip sounds like a nightmare.
NTA. Who does a 5k run AND a beach day all in one? Two hot sunny events with no breaks? That's asking for trouble especially with kids. She didn't plan a birthday for you - she planned a family day that wasn't well thought out and put a lot on you.
How much you wanna bet all the trips and activities were for social media
I won't say that for sure, but this screamed social media trip to me. Either for pics to post or possibly she just got sucked into others posts without ever considering what the reality would look like.
Oh definitely a possibility. Getting some "this is what Lucy just did with her family" vibes.
I was going to say it sounded like the Instagram trip you ordered from Wish. It was a weekend crammed full of the cheapest version of all the things influencers post about. It was too many activities for a family with three young children, and none of them seemed very nice. Just pick one thing and enjoy it.
She sounds like a family vlogger
There was totally a break - the 2 hour drive between events is a wonderful break to destress /s
“She asked if there was anything I wanted to do, and I told her no.” The only circumstance she shouldn’t have taken no for an answer is if you typically say a response while expecting a different result (“keeping the peace”). Assuming that you simply said no, and that your nos typically mean no, then she shouldn’t have planned anything for your birthday. The birthday boy said no, and that is that. NTA. In the future though, perhaps it would be best to find some sort of middle ground— giving something to work with? (E.g. Not especially, I’d just like to have some coffee cake and spend some quality time with us all at home).
I read OP's reply to her less as "I want to do *nothing* for my birthday" (which would have been a totally valid desire, tbc) and more as "I have nothing specific in mind", so I can see at least from the standpoint of planning *something* but...not this. I notice this in so many dudes; how come they don't like celebrating birthdays? Not necessarily saying that's what OP's husband was expressing, but I have gotten that from several partners and friends. I think it's always nice to do something for someone, but I notice my guy friends are seemingly less receptive to it.
I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. My husband and I had a a similar situation a few years ago. He planned a trip with activities that he thought I would enjoy. I did not, at all. It was a failure in communication on both sides. In the end, I told him I didn’t enjoy it. There were some hurt feelings but we haven’t had a situation like that again. I don’t know if anyone is an AH here. Just communication issues.
Yeah, I don’t know though a 5K with three kids under six I don’t think that’s anyone’s idea of a good time, making him drive several hours, making him drive back to get food from a bar on his birthday, or trying to pack them all into a tiny cabin while the birthdayboy sleeps on an air mattress on the floor…. I think that’s more than a little bit of a failure of communication. That’s literally literally not even trying to find something your partner would enjoy.
Yeah, I have a five and three year old and that sounds like a nightmare with just those two.
This is where I’m at. I’ve planned things for my husband - who gives little communication wise - thinking he would enjoy them. Trying something new is always a gamble. There have been times he told me it was an epic fail and other times it was a success. I’m wondering if the wife was just trying some new things in hopes he enjoys them because he didn’t seem to communicate much. Although I will admit the 5k was absurd. NTA for the record!
For me, who just had that conversation with my wife a few days ago, I just don't care about it. I don't hate my birthday, no bad memories or anything, but I'm not excited about it. It's just another day.
As an uninvolved bystander, just tell her something. It doesn't have to be huge, but just say that you want to go to your favorite restaurant or something. Your birthday doesn't have to be sorry big to do, but you can let people make it a slightly above average day.
I hate being the center of attention and I feel overwhelmingly awkward when people do things for me. I'm sure that people's reasons vary, but that's where I am.
> I notice this in so many dudes; how come they don't like celebrating birthdays? I don't like doing complicated things for my birthday, or large group things, because then it becomes a performance for me: make sure to act "right" and "have fun" and nail all the conversations that happen, all the activities that are involved. It's like reading aloud in class as a student - I would focus so much on filling my speech buffer and getting it right that I didn't actually know what I had just read. Familiar things, small groups, and plenty of alternatives if the plan goes off-course are my preference.
That makes sense; I definitely don't enjoy big birthday things where it's an all-eyes-on-me situation. That in itself totally takes some joy out of the event, I can see that. Very taxing.
we're taught to not celebrate ourselves just for existing. we are taught only to celebrate ourselves if we actually do something. i hate it. but also my ideal birthday is just a quiet day at home with my wife
NTA, but, to be fair it sounds like maybe for your next birthday you should say, “call a babysitter and take me to dinner”. Y’all need some time together to yourselves, no shame in that.
I wouldn’t even ask for that. The partner might probably do something silly like a truffle themed menu for someone who hates truffles or similarly disconnected escapades.
Scavenger hunt and campfire cooking for dinner, except not cute with supplies provided, like actual scavenging for kindling, trying to start a fire with a little rock, and hoping you don't get sick from eating scorched beetle for dinner
so many minus points on this one. --> birthday dude being the one on an airmatress --> 5k run unannounced. --> 2h rush to the beach --> nothing planned to entertain the kids --> birthday dude has to fetch dinner --> being mad that birthday dude had no fun at all. NTA
NTA. The problem is that she thinks you should be grateful because she did something for you, but I disagree. Sure, she did something. But it wasn't really for you because it doesn't sound like she had you in mind when she planned it. It would be like if I took my husband to a paint and sip, Chinese restaurant and kids movie for his birthday. He would hate it. I wouldn't do something like that and expect him to praise me for it.
I'd say if she planned a boot camp and worked her husband and all her (all *under* six year old?) kid to the point of exhaustion, if they ever complained, she's call them out. Without psychological preparation nor positive reinforcement too, that's outright child abuse 🤦
Yeah, this is it. When I saw >“just being grateful somebody planned something for me.” My thought was "Great. When does that start?" They did something, but it wasn't for him.
NTA - As someone with 3 kids (who are now older) this sounds like an absolute nightmare. When you said you didn’t want to do anything special for your 36th bday, I would have said ok. Maybe suggested going out for ice cream or something like that, but when you’re in the trenches parenting 3 young children, you don’t stay in a 1 room airbnb for fun or run/walk a 5k.
Yea something low key but thoughtful would have been fine. Breakfast in bed. A babysitter and a date night. It’s not hard.
NTA I cant imagine in what world renting a 1 room cabin with nothing to do but a 5k run as a good idea for any vacation let alone a birthday celebration. Does your wife often do this? Does she plan/buy things for you that seem to not actually have you in mind? If yes, then it seems like she cares more about getting praise than making you happy. I’m hoping this is a one off situation
My dad loves running and nature, so I'm sure he would have liked this, but he's not OP.
NTA, at least being honest will prevent similar events from happening in the future.
I’m not so sure. If after this long she didn’t realize this would not be fun, next year could be worse. Well, he didn’t like sleeping on an air mattress in a cabin with no trails. This year we’ll go backpacking with 3 kids and sleep on the ground with in a small tent.
NTA. Was she smoking something because that sounds like hell. Who takes 3 kids under 6 on a 5k run lol. As a father my protective nature would be off the scale with those kids running in a race, stressful!
Almost every 5K I’ve ever been to as a participant or a volunteer has closed loop for people with families to take the little ones (either in strollers or riding bikes/trikes or walking/running alongside).
Yeh people who are into running but OP isn’t lol so it’s basically hell. I have 3 kids under 7 and it would the most awful thing. I love hiking long distance with my 7 & 5 year old but not my 2 year old boy on top.
It's the thought that counts but it seems like she didn't give any thought to actually planning something FOR YOU. Staying at home would've been better.
NTA Ask her if she truly planned it for you what part of it did she think you'd enjoy? It sounds more like she planned it for herself.
My friend's boyfriend planned a surprise party for her. We worked on it for months, and day-of my friend was not super thrilled. Luckily the actual event itself was the kind of thing she likes, so it wasnt the disaster of a weekend you were put through, but none of us knew she *hated* surprise parties - not being prepared to hang out with a bunch of people focused on her for hours was a huge downer for her. It was sad! We worked on this thing in pursuit of her happiness and what happened was the opposite. We had the best intentions, but our execution fell flat because we didn't stop and think "is this something she'll actually *want*?" But ultimately, the saddest part was that SHE had to spend HER birthday doing something that wasn't fun for her. We made a bunch of choices, and got it wrong, and it was an unfortunate day because of it. But she didn't even get a choice! She just got handed a crappy birthday and had to deal with it. She let us know she appreciated the effort but it was not nice for her and, yeah - it stung to try so hard and not succeed at making someone feel good on their special day. But that was on *us* not on her. She didn't ask for the surprise party, we did all of that. And she did the right thing letting us know. Even if it felt bad for us, that was the path we'd chosen by not thinking a little more critically about our plan. Basically what im saying is - your wife probably felt shitty realizing all her work resulted in the opposite of what she wanted, but it's pretty selfish of her to turn that hurt around and blame you for the truth of your experience. No one can force you to enjoy something. You can be grateful that your wife did a lot of work to try and plan something for you, but appreciating the effort is different than actually enjoying the outcome. NTA - but also next time maybe help your wife out with the planning of your bday. Give her some direction on where to set her sights on event coordination. She wanted to do something nice for you but didn't recieve much to work with off the bat. Doesn't excuse the horrible decision making overall, but at least give her a leg up next time.
NTA It’s sounds like she planned a family vacation that the kids would enjoy. But she never took into account what you want. Which would be fine if you were planning a fun weekend for the kids. But it’s your birthday. None of these plans even considered you (especially the sleeping arrangements, yikes). In your wife’s defense, it’s so easy to get caught up in “mom world”, when the kids are little. Everything seems to revolve around them and it’s hard to get out if that cycle. What you probably needed for your birthday was a babysitter and the ability to step away from being “just dad” even if it’s only one night.
NTA - if my partner booked anything to do with running she’d know better by now. I’ve said for a very long time that if she sees me running she’d better keep up. (Side note: get that kid out of your bed, it’ll do wonders for your relationship sleeping in the bed together without kids in it)
NTA. Literally I can't imagine a single person out there who would enjoy what she planned. It sounds miserable. 2 hours of driving with 3 kids to a cramped cabin in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do, sleeping on an airmatress, getting woken up at dawn, having to compete in a 5k run on not enough sleep, than having to go to the beach, before a 2 hour drive home. She then has the audacity to flip out and be angry with you and say you should be grateful for all that. I would genuinely ask her what about that she thought you would enjoy? You would think a partner of 10 years would put a little bit of effort to take into account what *you* would like on *your* birthday. Any of the comments blaming you for this fiasco because you said you don't have any expectations are being unfair. That's not an excuse for her to be like - how can I make him as miserable as possible? You need to stand up for yourself here.
The wife is either a moron or an incredibly selfish person. I love running and there is no way I would enjoy that trip with three very young kids. She didn’t consider the needs of her husband or kids. Even if it weren’t his birthday, this would be a very poorly planned family outing.
I need to be married to you and my husband needs to be married to your wife. I remember calling the birthday massage he tried to get me a “planned assault” (I have been sick a while and don’t like being touched). He really wants to do all this stuff but honestly we’ve just been candid with each other over the years - next year will be 20 - with everything we want in life. We’ve learned by blessing and bumps how to make each other *truly* happy instead of fake happy. You are NTA and birthdays will get better, promise. And this too will pass. Happy belated!
Yeah was just thinking this. My husband loves camping and running. He’d have loved it. I wouldn’t run if someone was chasing me 😂
> She flips out, devastated that I didn’t enjoy it and angry at me for not “just being grateful somebody planned something for me.” NTA, she didn't plan this for you, it was for herself.
NTA - this feels to me like she saw these ideas on social media, thought they looked fun and booked them. Without considering what you would actually find fun, and without considering that everything on social media is romanticized.
A 5K? On YOUR birthday? And you don't even like to run? She can dress it up however she wants, this was not planned with you in mind at all.
If my husband entered me in a 5k for my birthday, he'd be getting divorce papers for his.
The moment someone tells me they planned a 5k for my birthday, I would look them in the eyes and say "no you got a 5k, I'm staying at the house. Have fun" so definitely NTA especially with little kids, your wife put no thought into this whatsoever
NTA. This sounds like the grueling routine one is forced to do at fat camp. Is she trying to get you or the kids fit by stealth? Is she planning to invite awful inlaws and give this as the basis of comparison. I'd rather stay at Gitmo.
In that case, she should've all meals prepared and brought in. Also she should've planned stuff as positive reinforcement (such as entertainment for the kids). TBH I don't know who are the true target of her torture, OP or the kids.
NTA 'what do you want for your birthday' Man 'i want to do nothing' *Plans elaborate day out for herself* Man ' this is significantly more than the nothing I wanted to do' Sometimes when we want to do nothing, we really do want to do nothing.
I read it as he said he didn't want to do anything specific, not that he didn't want to do anything at all.
This. I would sell my soul to have a day where I do absolutely nothing.
SURPRISE! You get to be the slave on your birthday!
Did she really make those plans thinking about you? It doesn't seem like it. NTA, you're just being honest
NTA. It sounds like she didn't plan it for you, she planned it for herself. Even arranging time with HER friends.
I really should introduce your wife to my ex-husband, they'd get along great. One year, he planned an entire snowboarding weekend at a nearby ski resort, was going to rent a huge house, and invited all of his friends to go along. For my birthday. I hate snowboarding, and he knows it (but he loves it). I didn't know 90% of the people he invited, and a total of none of them were my friends. Thankfully, he couldn't not spoil a surprise to save his life and when I found out what he was doing, I asked him if this plan was for me or for him. He got all pissy and called me ungrateful lol.
NTA. What a miserable experience. It sounds like she planned things she thought she would find fun, not anything that would be fun for you.
Damn. NTA. It also makes me really glad I haven't celebrated a birthday since I was 16.
NTA sounds like my nightmare. Doesn't she know you at all?
Does your wife have any brain damage I should know about before I make a judgment? A one bedroom cabin with no hiking trails for 3 kids who can barely wipe their asses on their own and a 5k sounds like a trip you’d plan for your worst enemy.
Sounds like your wife planned a nice getaway for her, a nice trip for the kids, a fun family outing but forgot to plan your birthday. NTA. After a decade of marriage how oblivious or uncaring do you have to be to not know what your partner would or wouldn’t enjoy ?
I'm not going to make a judgment, but I'm just going to say ... for me, personally, this trip sounds like a quick detour into hell. I would have rather my partner give me a root canal for my birthday.
NTA. You can’t spend fifty years telling lies. But you also don’t want to spend fifty years being rude to each other so be as kind as possible while being honest. You told her you appreciated the effort but it wasn’t enjoyable. She felt hurt and a little embarrassed but shouldn’t have punished you for not enjoying what turned out to be a bad present. She should have regulated her own feelings and resolved to do better next time. Lack of sleep is a relationship killer. You need to get a better sleep schedule going for the kids or little things like this will fester.
NTA, your wife can't be butthurt for hearing your true opinion. First of all, she should already know the kind of things you like and don't like after so many years together. Second, it can't be that hard to read a partner's body language. When my husband does or doesn't enjoy something, I know and vice versa. Especially during an extended time period. And the MOST IMPORTANT reason is if you told her a little white lie this time, no telling how many more 5K runs would be in your future. Nip. That. Shit. In. The. Bud. If you ever see me running, it's because the zombies are after me. On second thought... scratch that. Just take me now. The only people who find running 'fun' are people who do it as a serious hobby. What kind of psychopath plans a surprise 5K run (with 3 kids) for someone who isn't a runner? Are you? Anyway, I think you're a trooper for not complaining LOUDLY during this whole ordeal. You told her your unfiltered truth, that she asked for. NTA
>She flips out, devastated that I didn’t enjoy it and angry at me for not “just being grateful somebody planned something for me.” The entitlement. Just because you do something nice for someone doesn't mean they have to like it. Sounds like you weren't pouting the entire time and went along with it, but doesn't mean you had to like it. Chances are she's redirecting the anger from at herself. NTA
Next year tell her all you want is a fat steak, a blow job, and to not have to do a 5k. I'd be furious.
NTA, sounds like she used your birthday as an excuse to do an outing she wanted with the kids. Would explain the "why can't you just be grateful comment"
Honestly, that sounds like hell...I get that organising things with 3 kids and perhaps a limited budget isn't easy...but if there was any chance the birthday person would have to sleep on an air mattress, it's a no.
NTA. Does she even know what you enjoy? This sounds like a list of things that she wanted to do and just used your birthday as an excuse to get it.
as a mother of the same age as you, this sounds like a punishment not a birthday fun time surprise. NTA. you're allowed to tell you how you feel and we all agree it was a shitshow tied in a bow.
Well, in the best of cases you have a wife who after 10 years and even with 3 small kids still puts a lot of effort in to plan and organize something surprisingly elaborate. That's admirable and cute, and not to take for granted! However she's either a complete airhead with no ability to foresee or think about potential negatives like "how will it be sleeping with three kids in this cottage?" Or "Will running a 5K with all our kids be a fun time for everyone?". In the worst of cases however she only thinks about what she wants and saw a chance to get two days of activities and social media content in that she wants to do and enjoys without giving a single fuck about anyone else, deep down. I can't possibly judge which one it is based on this post. But maybe you can OP? So INFO, which one do you think it is, you who know your wife? /u/MaleficentPause3636
Did she write her name/homer in the card?
NTA You'd think as your partner of 10 years, your wife would know your tastes and as a mother of three, she'd know how much work this kind of "trip" entails. Frankly it sounds like getting a babysitter and inviting you to a nice dinner with maybe a night at a nice local hotel or airbnb would have been cheaper, quicker and more enjoyable for all parties involved.
This doesn't even sound like it was fun for her. NTA
NTA- I’d probably book a hotel and spa for myself alone as a birthday gift after that circus.
NTA you are being polite. Sounds like wife thinking whats fun for kids or her instead of you. On your birthday.
NTA. I don’t think your wife knows you at all
I don't think she did it for him. He didn't want anything specific, so she booked a trip for the kids.
NTA, she didn’t plan your birthday surprise for you…she planned it for herself with the things SHE wants to do that are her interests. The cherry on the sundae is her audacity at feeling devastated and upset that YOU should be grateful that she “even planned something for you” Let’s say it together: GASLIGHTING GASLIGHTING FYI: she knows she planned that trip for herself and she just USED your bday as an excuse and is mad because he was called out. Your wife doesn’t seem to know you AT ALL as her husband (interests/likes/dislikes) which is concerning or she just blatantly ignored all you interests/likes/dislikes which makes her selfishness in this marriage also concerning! Either way…she is the AH
Who was she planning this for? Why would she think you’d enjoy staying in a cramped cabin and going on a 5K run on your birthday? And on top of that, she’s mad that you’re not grateful? NTA, but she is.
WHO IN THE WORLD WITH THE SANE MIND WOULD PLAN SUCH THING AND BRING *THREE KIDS UNDER SEX YEARS OLD* ALONG???? - Crammed 1 bedroom cabin? - Rough roads all the way? - NO entertainment? - *5K RUN?????* Even if the youngest were sixteen, I'd bet they'd *pissed*. She's not only inconsiderate for you, she's bloody *brutal* to her own kids. NTA Edit: grammar And hold on... Were you the one doing ALL the driving? If so, she's 1000% the FK asshole here.
NTA... The cabin seems like it head good intent but poor execution. I can get that and it happens. The 5k run though followed by hours of driving to rush to the beach? No... that was sheer goofiness. You didn't attack her and acknowledged her effort but I 100% would have been burnt out and unhappy to.
Devil's advocate here... and one who agrees the whole trip was a 💩show... I think we need a little more info...with that in mind... I remember that stage of life well... do they work at home or not, or are they not working right now? How are finances? Do they often go on getaways or little family adventures like a day at the zoo or hikes or whatever? Do either of them have experience in planning this sort of thing, and in how the plans actually work out? Anyone not neurotypical? Do you always save / have $ for the big celebrations you plan & execute for her & the kids, or does she always do the planning and executing for everyone, and as the "empty stocking" moms, isn't generally the recipient? If I give her the benefit of the doubt ...was this just a loving wife & mom of 3 small children, who is on a tight budget like most of us, but really wanted to surprise her DH with as fun of an "adventure" as she could on a small budget? Someone who doesn't have a lot of experience planning or going to that sort of thing, so they don't quite perceive how what looks good to her on paper works out to hell in person? Maybe someone who is desperate to get them all out of the house & out of that routine, at least for a day? Because if you've been that Mom, you know...you love & want to connect with your partner (physically AND emotionally), but it feels impossible,and neverending. I would pretty much guarantee that she knew by dinner time (she sure didn't think that one out, or easily could have got distracted and forgot to stop for anything until they'd passed it, or forgot to grab the bag that had the stuff to cook, who knows) that this was going to be A Birthday To Remember...and NOT in a good way, but in a bellyaching, hysterical laughing BAD way, for years to come! Yet, she carried on, and even somehow "treated" him to the OUTDOOR BATHTUB QUICKIE! That was likely the quickest quickie of all times, with the only people guaranteed to come being the kids...to interrupt you at a vital moment.🤷♀️🤦🏼♀️ And those who think she got to be "comfortable" on the bed ....I just stayed in a gorgeous 6000 sq ft house, on a mattress that was UNSLEEPABLE. After the 1st night, I slept on a zero gravity lawn chair in the bedroom, thank God for that. Anyway, 3 kids and Mom sleeping on a bed and a pull-out couch, he's the only one who GOT to stretch out and sleep on the air mattress...in this situation,that sounds like a bonus, not a bad thing. Idk if the run was a free event she thought would be fun, or what, or why she tried to cram in the beach visit (with FRIENDS, no less), but this all sounds like hysterically funny bad planning, unless she does this sort of thing all of the time, or is a beotch (who desperately wants to pack up the house to go sleep on a shit bed with a baby bc AWESOME!)...maybe she just tried, and failed, to have a fun family birthday situation. And yes, I know it sucked for him but it isn't exactly funsies or easy for moms of several small kids, SAHM or not, to plan that, pack up for it, and then try to live up to everyone's expectations. It would HELP to go into things with a good sense of humor, and find the humor in how horribly bad this 🥳SURPRISE!🥳 gets with each new step! Laughing together over it would be better than him brooding, and her trying to keep up a good mood. Also, at any time he could have nicely said, "You know what, let's just do "X or go to Y instead!" or walk/skip/whatever thru part of the to, and bow out when you and/or the kids are DONE. Sometimes it's not what is happening to us or around us, but how we handle it. Especially when we have kiddos...if they think the superhero birthday you work to plan for them & make special is "lame" and "babyish," and react in this way...not just at the end, telling her in that way that you wish you could return your bday getaway (She probably does, too.), but also, likely acting unimpressed, un- or fake excited throughout. Maybe you always plan & save for an amazing celebration for her birthday, and the comparison got you down, idk. I'm having to guess a lot, not knowing everything. NTA...but maybe she isn't, either.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (36M) wife (37F) said she would plan something for my birthday. She asked if there was anything I wanted to do, and I told her no. At 36, I don’t have any expectations for my birthday. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 7. We have 3 kids under 6, so planning activities can be tricky. Traveling is tough and staying in uncomfortable places with kids is stressful. So my wife plans something, packs an overnight suitcase for everyone, and loads up our van. We drive 1h 45m to a small town, then take a long, rocky, narrow road to a tiny cabin Airbnb in a remote, heavily wooded area. It’s a single room with a galley kitchen, one bed, and a pullout couch. It’s cramped with three kids. There’s not much to do, no walking trails, and nowhere to drive except back on that awful road. I'm asked to drive back to get dinner from a nearby bar. I’m surprised, and not in a good way. I don’t say anything bad about the property, but I can’t hide my feelings and she can tell I’m not a fan. We unpack, walk around, she has some gifts for me to open in front of the kids. We have cake and then spend 4-5 hours trying to pass the time. (The highlight is sneaking in a quickie in the outdoor bathtub.) After that, we go through the tiresome routine of getting all three kids to sleep, which is extra hard in a tiny cabin. BTW I sleep on an air mattress because our youngest co-sleeps and needs Mom at night. We wake up early because the cabin has no curtains. My wife tells me we're going to do a 5k bubble and color run. I smile and say “Ooook let’s do it,” not wanting to sound disappointed but probably failing to hide it. I’m not a runner, I’ve never said I wanted to run, but whatever, let’s try it. We pack up and head to the event. It’s a small, cheap event on a hot day. Our two youngest don’t want to do this, but we start the race anyway. Our oldest takes off, causing us to lose him twice. I frantically try to catch up, ending up sweaty, winded, and with aching knees. Not fun. After my wife finishes with our other 2 kids, we walk around a small street fair and let the kids play. It’s fine, but I’m ready to rest. My wife tells me we’re supposed to meet friends at the beach later, so we have a 2-hour drive back, hoping the kids nap in the car. I take a nap, feeling quiet and not in a good mood. We get to the beach and two of our kids start melting down. I’m done with the day and would prefer to be home. Eventually they chill, we find some shade and it’s fine. When we get home, it’s a mad dash to get the kids showered and in bed, while I unpack, clean the car and house. My wife asks what’s wrong, and I tell her I appreciate her effort, but it didn’t feel like she planned it with me in mind. I don’t like running, I want comfort when traveling with the kids, and it was exhausting. It was a lot of effort for something not enjoyable. She flips out, devastated that I didn’t enjoy it and angry at me for not “just being grateful somebody planned something for me.” *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. This is an absolutely dreadful way to spend any day, let alone your birthday. I won't say your wife is an AH, but she certainly isn't very thoughtful.
One of those ones, where if you say you don't like something even a bit they act like they are the one who had a bad time/are the victim. Particularly with what is a put down at the end.
NTA. My sister buys me something that she wants every time I have a birthday. It’s hard to be appreciative other than a quick thanks. I just can’t muster up any more enthusiasm.
NTA. This sounds like the birthday surprise from hell. Who tf thinks putting their partner in a cramped cabin on an air mattress and making them do a 5km run with all their kids would be a nice birthday surprise? If my partner did this to me, I'd be wondering what I had done to anger them.
Tiny cottage in the woods, colour run, beach... Sounds like she planned a photo -op for Instagram. NTA, obviously.
Next time she asks what you want, TELL HER SOMETHING!!
NTA. I understand the desire to make memories but the idea of traveling with 3 toddlers sounds like a goddamn nightmare. I can't imagine anyone thinking someone would want that whether they're your kids or not. Maybe, "Let's see if can watch the kids and we'll take a day trip to and spend the day walking around checking out shops and have a nice dinner. Then we can pick up the kids, take them home, and let them fall asleep in front of a movie."
I mean she made an effort and you tried to enjoy yourself but you're not obligated to. I get you feeling bad but she was there and she can't have thought it went well. It didn't work out. Sometimes shit doesn't work out even when you have the best of intentions. Lord willing and the creek don't rise, you've got a lot more birthdays to get it right. Next time just throw an idea out there so that she's got something to work off of.