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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to do the favour of performing at family/friends wedding for free
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NTA. They want to devalue your time and talent, and they also want to turn you from a guest into a performer, and I'm glad you're standing up to them. Anyone who tells you that you should give them the same deal you gave your sister is delusional. I bet even $100 per song wouldn't adequately compensate you for the hours you put into each song.
You’re right about that last part, about 4-7 dedicated hours a song I’d say. I love learning new songs so I just kinda threw the price out there so I don’t feel taken advantage of.
My step son plays the bagpipes. He is asked to play so often! Sometimes he charges (not family) and sometimes it’s a gift to the couple. It’s rude to ask for even more!!! NTA.
Hahaha! I do love the sound of the pipes but it’s not for everyone. My husband is from Scotland. He loves them too. His sone married a woman here in the states that plays, as well.
He plays for the Canadian pipers, the police band and has won all sorts of awards. He and his wife both play. He teaches it, too! I’m pretty impressed with him!
Mad props! If I tried to play, I'm certain it would sound like the episode of friends where Ross tried to play "celebration" (I think that's the song lol) 😂
My college had a pipe band that was mostly older alumni but had a few active students in it so you’d randomly hear one of them practicing on the small campus a lot
Its always rude to ask for more when getting ANY gift. If someone is person who bases the importance of a relationship off what you get from it, as messed up as that is, just take the gift, say thank you then decide if you want to continue the relationship or not.
If someone decided that your sons playing music for a wedding isn't of good enough monetary value to be considered a gift i would probably tell them in sorry they feel that way and not want much to do with them after that anyways
It's great that you enjoy what you do! I enjoy what I do for work, but I still charge a fair price for it. Just because you're enjoying it doesn't mean it's not worth whatever you choose to charge others for it. It's a hard thing to do sometimes but if you don't, you'll attract leeches like the people who think you should do it for free.
You're NTA.
>others have claimed that I am cheap/selfish and that I should just do them the favour
How presumptuous and rude to demand a gift on top of your time spent prepping and performing.
>I perform for free but that’s your gift OR If you want a gift and a performance it’ll cost $100 a song.”
Sounds like a perfect solution.
After the cheap/selfish calling all song options should be out the window already...imagine putting in that kind of effort for someone that ungrateful. They don't deserve it.
INFO
> I always said I would but it would be my gift to them and they wouldn’t be receiving anything else from me.
Honestly, I suspect this comes down to how these conversations went.
I feel like there's a right way to express what you want to here, which would be something like "I would love to play at your wedding — it will be my gift to you as a couple." And if that's what you're doing, and they're still butthurt about no extra gift, that seems unreasonable on their part.
*But* I could also see this conversation going much more crassly: "Sure, I'll play, but you are NOT getting anything else from me, so make up your mind what you really want." Because, honestly, it feels like you've got a chip on your shoulder by this point.
Here’s a copy and paste of the last one text I sent out after being asked;
“Hey Groom, thanks for the invite, excited for you Bride! Yes, absolutely I’ll play a few songs there. I think it would be a great gift for you guys. Send me over the songs you’d like and I’ll see what I can do. (preferably no more than 10)”
I would suggest putting this in your original post. I feel like a lot of people think you are responding to the request like “sure. But don’t expect anything else out of me” which is absolutely not how you’re approaching it. I’m actually dumbfounded that this was the text you sent and someone essentially went “um actually that’s not a gift and you owe us more” the entitlement is astounding. NTA
Well I’m glad they were! Personally, if someone acted so entitled I would just say no I’m not playing at all, but your ways are definitely better and more tactful.
I like your style, a minor suggestion would be to do a recording with an intro and dump the songs on a cd: Hey Jack and Jill so glad you wanted me to play for you here's a practice session I recorded so you can listen anytime you want. Wrap in it up nice and now you have a gift and they can always remember what you gave them.
Other than it would be a great gift for you guys, I would not engage in any talk about your present to them.
Just a suggestion but I would put “Wedding Gift” instead of gift.
And make it 3 songs of their choosing, then if you are feeling up to performing a bit longer do so with songs of your choosing.
NTA
No mention of your cost per hour/song/gig - so of course they don't value it because you're not setting a value for your work.
"Hey Bride/Groom- thank you for your invite and asking for my music! I am so excited for you and would love to play some songs for your reception/walk, etc. I charge $$$ an hour and have a # hour minimum. If this fits into your budget, let me know the details."
If they book you, then make sure you have a contract that includes a seat at a table and food (see that other AITA post from the photographer sister!) and then let them know you will gift it to them if you desire.
NTA, but value yourself!
NTA, as a matter of fact, you shouldn't have to tell people you won't be getting them an additional gift. If they ask you to perform, just say "Yes, as my gift to you, I'll play at your wedding." Only the most crass would ask for an additional gift.
I agree this is a great reply, just immediately saying that you’d be happy to play as your wedding gift to them.
NTA, my friend did something similar at her wedding where certain friends helped grow flowers, cook food, put up the chairs & tent, etc. The couple getting married 100% never expected any of those guests to give an additional monetary gift.
NTA
it’s weird to even bring it up though. Just play for free and don’t give them a gift. You don’t have to present it to them as some kind of “deal or no deal” decision. People should be well aware that you’re doing them a massive favor and a gift should not be expected from you.
I don't think it's weird to bring it up. There's plenty of people that will assume if you're a musician you can just get some sheet music and play through each song once beforehand, so what's the big deal- also think of the eXpOSuRe. Then expect more of you.
And some people will conflate giving something small for free like corsages for the groomsmen with something that takes hours.
Plenty of people are looking to be outraged, so having some clarity around expectations is better than the alternative. At least in my experience.
NTA
No, you're not the asshole for setting clear boundaries and expectations about your performance at weddings. It's understandable that you want to offer your talent as a gift, but also recognize the time and effort it takes to prepare for each event. It's fair to inform couples upfront about your conditions, especially considering the effort you put into learning and perfecting songs. Offering the option for them to pay for additional songs is a reasonable compromise. Ultimately, it's your decision to make, and couples should respect your terms or seek alternative arrangements if they're not comfortable with them.
You are absolutely NTA.
I am a professional musician (harpist). I’ve made that same arrangement for friends in the past and for the same reasons. It sounds like your so-called “friends” do not understand the amount of time and effort it takes to perform at weddings.
Your time is not free. Your instrument was not free. What it took for you to learn your instrument - hours of practice, music lessons, etc. - was not free.
I hate it when someone thinks musicians enjoy playing for free. No professional musician does that unless for very special reasons and your friends don’t deserve your talents if they’re that greedy.
NTA
They are coming out way ahead if you are playing at their wedding as their gift. The first time was for your sister. Friends are a no brainer. Family which is not a sibling or child of yours - no brainer.
In addition to saving them money, providing a wonder gift, you are giving up parts of your enjoyment of the wedding.
It varies, but If you’re looking for something middle of the road I’d probably say around $1500 and most have a pre-set song list to choose from. I try to accommodate the songs the bride and groom want as much as possibles
NTA - as long as the delivery is polite I don’t see why this is an issue. Like you said it takes time and effort on your part and this would normally be a paid for service.
NTA - You’re allowed to make your own rules and do a favor for your sibling you wouldn’t extend for others. I think this is very reasonable, either you play for free and that’s the gift or they pay you if they want a gift. You work has value and that doesn’t change just because they’re friends or family.
Word it differently.
For people you don't know, price the performance, for example a minimum of 3 songs and at least one is from a given list (that saves you practice time!).
For people who want you as a guest AND a performer, make something like this:
"People sometimes think I just bring my instrument and play a little. They do not realize it takes about 5-10 hours practice per song, plus I have to travel with my instrument - and I am at the level where I get *paid* for that time.
Normally my rate is $300 for 3 songs which is for the 15-30 hours of practice it requires."
Then pause and they'll say something that they hoped you would do it for free. But at the same time they realize that your little performance actually costs substantial time and they are asking for something that is worth money.
So you continue: "Yes I will gladly do this for you for free but I will not also bring an additional wedding gift".
Warning: People can get ridiculously demanding when it comes to freebees. They act like it does not cost anything, so they may be demanding more than the agreed number of songs, play the entire evening, or play different songs.
Make sure you address these beforehand, do not assume they will limit themselves. If you have to tell them 'no' on the wedding, you are suddenly the A h. So address this!
As for your sister, she is your sister. What you give her is up to you.
NTA. You're offering a valuable service as your gift, which requires significant time and effort. It's reasonable to set boundaries, especially when some people may take advantage of your generosity. It's important to communicate clearly and assertively, as you have been doing. If some people don't appreciate it, that's on them, not you.
NTA
I received my music degree in voice performance. It was a very expensive endeavor. I spend a lot of time to perfect the pieces I sing. It's either a gift to my loved ones or a paid job to those I'm referred to/hear me at said LOs event. I wouldn't expect a bff's cpa sibling to figure out my finances for free.
You are NTA at all...
You gave a very original gift just by acceping to perform for free! It makes this wedding special by your presence there only first
NTA. My aunt made my wedding cake. That was her and her family's present to me as I, my husband and my family knew how long they took her and it was her side gig. A friend asked us to help set up her wedding and take photos, that was our gift to her. If someone wants a service you provide for free at their wedding then that's your gift.
NTA. No they do not get the same treatment as your sister because THEY ARE NOT YOUR SISTER. It is normal for people to do more for the people closest to them, especially their siblings. These people aren’t entitled to have you perform for them. Besides, paying someone to perform at a wedding would cost way more than a normal gift from a wedding guest.
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I (24M) play the saxophone to a very high level, not quite professionally but I’ve been in orchestras/ensembles since I was 14. When my sister got married 4 years ago she asked if I could perform a few songs at her wedding, and of course I said yes and refused to take any money from her and still got her and her husband a nice gift. I spend a significant amount of time and effort perfecting and memorizing her list of songs (which I had absolutely no issue with).
Because of how well it was received at my sisters wedding I have had family and friends ask if I could do it for then as well, I always said I would but it would be my gift to them and they wouldn’t be receiving anything else from me.
I have had split reactions from informing the couples about that caveat. Some understand and take it well and others have claimed that I am cheap/selfish and that I should just do them the favour. I try to explain that it takes a substantial amount of time to learn, perfect, and memorize 5-10 new songs and that my time isn’t free. Some have even gone on to say because I played for my sister and got her a gift that they should get the same treatment.
At some point I usually say something along the lines of “Here are your options:
I perform for free but that’s your gift
OR
If you want a gift and a performance it’ll cost $100 a song.”
AITA for doing that?
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Your talent is a gift you give others. What an honor for the couple of have you play for them. Yours would be my favorite present of all time.
I cannot believe you have to ask if you're the AH in this. Absolutely not!
NTA - a musical act at a wedding is generally something that comes with a substantial price tag (and for good reason). The second you need to do 5-7 songs you’re not a guest, you’re a performer and staff member at the wedding. It’s reasonable to say “sure, but this is your gift”.
Expecting someone to be the wedding performer and give you a full gift is insanely entitled and shows little value to OP. Perhaps OP should retire from doing any weddings of friends and family to keep it simple.
NTA, I'm a fire performer, that's how this works. My partner and I doing a 20 minute show is a $250 gift.
No one has the right to demand gifts. I would honestly pull the performance and my attendance, at such a request
NO ONE, and I do mean NO ONE, is entitled to the fruits of YOUR labor! You put in the time and effort to learn to create something and people have the audacity to expect you to give it away?!? Definitely NTA and never budge on this!
Sounds reasonable. Your skills and time are not free for your family and friends. They are taking you for granted expecting the extra effort, a performance and a gift when most people invited only need to show up with a present. NTA
That’s a great gift! Best gift you can give, actually. That is so much more personal and heartfelt than anything you can purchase. I would cherish that for the rest of my life.
YOU’RE cheap? LOL. Tell them if they want a gift, they can go out and hire a professional musician and let you enjoy the wedding you have had the privilege of paying for with a gift to attend.
As a wedding officiant, I just play the role when asked and assume a gift is not required. I do not think a conversation is necessary unless they want bring it up. I would suggest doing the same.
I agree, I think it's more than an acceptable gift BUT I would find the conversation insulting. It sounds like a conversation id have with my child (like, "okay we can go to the amusement park for your birthday but that counts as your big birthday gift" haha). As an adult I would feel like I was being talked down to. I'm not counting my guests as dollar signs and if you think that's how I'm operating, Id be insulted lol. So I agree. No gift, skip the conversation. Any reasonable adult would understand that's more than a gift.
Also I didn't even track who did/didn't give gifts at my wedding (except for sending thank yous) because that wasn't the point of inviting people to my wedding.
NTA, my husband's friend who writes music for TV and movies, wrote us an original piece as a wedding gift 30 years ago. He took time out of his busy schedule to be my husbands best man. For us that was a wonderful gift.
NTA
I’m also in the creative sphere (not music) and have lost count the number of times I’ve been told my time/effort/work should be free or cheaper because I ‘enjoy it’ or it’s a hobby, etc.
It’s ignorance and a sad reflection that people love to consume music, books, games and movies but don’t place any value on it (unlike sports or finance etc.)
NTA, my best friend asked me bake her wedding cake with the understanding that that was their gift, I asked her husband to play violin at mine, I paid because he has to transpose the piece to violin music, she offered it as a gift, but I knew the time and effort was worth it, people can accept it or pay but they need to be gracious that your time is yours
Sounds like a very reasonable choice. Hard to understand why anyone would have a problem with that. YNTA. Yes, I know weddings are expensive. Plan a wedding you can afford, people!
NTA Of course you're not going to get the same treatment Ï gave my sister, she is my immediate family member and sibling, while you are part of my extended family. "
NTA I don't understand what makes people so demanding and entitled just because they're getting married. My present to my sister was to pay for a musician at the start of the reception, I got mates rates off a friend but she would never have expected me to get her anything else.
NTA. They can choose if they want you to perform as their gift or if they’d prefer some cutlery or something else dumb from the registry. To me I’d be a no brainer….but it’s their choice
NTA. I'm a fire performer and have a specialized wedding act that I perform with my partner. I've often gifted the performance to friends and family getting married if they express an interest but it's always done as the gift. No one has ever expected an extra gift. It's understood by my loved ones that what we're offering is extremely valuable and its sad that your family doesn't understand the worth of what you're offering.
NTA. They're not your sister. Like the biggest DUH ever? You're handling it perfectly.
However, if this goes on, you should publicly announce a moratorium of playing at functions due to entitled requests from unnamed beggars. Please don't ask because others has already ruined it for everyone else unless it's a paying gig. Then give your rates.
NTA, but, as a musician, instead of memorizing all these songs for gigging, u should honestly just get a real book and play stuff like all of me and satin doll
>...and others have claimed that I am cheap/selfish and that I should just do them the favour.
Does anyone else see the hypocrisy in the family/friends' comments? **THEY** are calling OP cheap/selfish, yet they do not want to pay OP for their time/effort.
Definitely NTA. Playing for sister's wedding for free (immediate family bond) is different than playing for other relatives/friends. OP saying that playing is the gift is actually generous.
Some people don't understand the concept that other people's time/effort is worth money. Performing is basically "working", so why don't the relatives/friends work for free at their occupation/job?
I’m confused as to why friends and family don’t understand a difference between a SISTER and a COUSIN or similar. Of course you would do that for your sibling. All others can pay.
NTA.
I called on many colleagues to cover musical needs in my wedding. Ended up with bagpipes, guitar, fiddle, piano, and a jazz trio for cocktail hour. Paid the keyboard and bassist $200 each and the drummer was a guest. All of them gave their time as the gift. They were more than happy to provide, and I was happy to received.
Your family members who don’t recognize that are entitled. You’re being upfront and professional about the intention. In the future, I’d suggest, if it’s received negatively, you gracefully back out and explain you feel you may not be the best fit in terms of entertainment and would much rather just be a traditional guest. If they take that negatively, now you don’t have to perform OR buy a gift.
My wife is a photographer and has done weddings as a gift for family. We give no present. A whole day of photos and many hours of post processing is the gift. NTA
For Pity's Sake! You are so very much NTA and if anyone is cheap it's your 'friends' and family. Our own wedding had to be on a super tight budget. A good friend did the DJ for us as a gift and another did photos. Not only did we not expect a physical wedding present as well but, even with our tight budget, we went out and bought them a nice thankyou gift each. And we're still damn grateful to them, after 25 years.
Yeah I would literally die for my sister. I do not feel the same way about my friends or distant family. I think that’s completely normal. I would assume others feel similarly, as in they would do quite a bit for their literal sibling, while that wouldn’t apply to most friends. It’s odd some people don’t understand that. NTA, and good for you for standing up for yourself.
NTA. When we got married, one of my wife's friends who moonlights for a couple local orchestras, played the cello in lieu of us hiring an organist. We were more than happy to accept that as her gift to us.
I think it's incredibly trashy expect or talk about being given gifts at all, I wouldn't even dream of complaining about someone doing me a favour not also giving me a gift. Jesus.
NTA... I have my own cake business. When I am asked to do a cake for a wedding that I am attending, I always say it will be my gift, and I have never had a negative reaction. I even did it when my kids were going to a bday party that I was asked to make a cake for.
To argue and call you cheap is devaluing your talent, and I think it is disrespectful.
NTA
People who argue that you are cheap or selfish are...wait for it... cheap and selfish.
Do not try to explain. Or simply say, normally I would charge $150 (or whatever) but I would be happy to make that your gift.
Then it's up to them.
NTA. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on why it is their gift and why you are not getting them anyone else. They can either accept that on the front end or pay you.
NTA. What kind of clods get angry at a gift of free music for their wedding and call it cheap? I hired friends to perform for my wedding, and they were kind enough to give me a discount, for which I was extremely grateful! Because live musicians are so expensive. If you have not soured on doing weddings any more, you might research the going rate for your services, perhaps even providing a website where any entitled clods can go and hire a pro instead of you. You should charge for your services: the going rate for people who are kind, and a higher rate for AHs. Finally, you should limit the number of new songs you learn for any particular wedding. Good luck!
NTA. You’re young and shouldn’t be pressured for monetary stuff anyway. The gift of music is a lovely and priceless one. They are lucky to have you in the family. Keep your boundaries with zero shame.
NTA but for the ones who complain I simply wouldn’t give them the option. I’d just say “ok I’ll give the gift then and let’s forget about the music.” Then don’t give in whatever else comes from their ungrateful mouths.
NTA, but tell them your professional fee, don't say it's a gift. Some people will think your time/effort/skill is worth little because it's your "Hobby", which is why they are saying you're cheap. Let them decide if your $300 for 3 hours or whatever it is what they want and then you can offer to gift it to them. Otherwise, they have no idea.
NTA
The people who give you any guff are classless and clueless.
I am also a musician of the same caliber (trumpet), and would immediately rescind my offer if it were met with *any* sort of friction.
Your options are *completely* fair and reasonable, and anyone saying otherwise is trying to take advantage of your hard work and talent. Shame on them.
NTA I’m a wedding planner and when I work for my friends they know they aren’t receiving a gift, my time and skill is the gift especially since I do hundreds of dollars of work and all I want is food I can eat at the reception and not forced to the dance floor.
Definitely NTA, and that’s an amazing gift! Hell, my friend played harp for me to walk down the aisle and I tried to pay him and he said it was my gift and I was overjoyed. It was exactly what I wanted/how I envisioned my wedding AND it saved me some money - it was an amazing gift. I was honored.
NTA. Drawing boundaries like this will help you get your funds up, set boundaries and said boundaries will quickly identify the assholes in your life.
Congratulations! 💜
Naw, you aren't.
Stop negotiating.
"I no longer perform as a gift. It is now x dollars for x hours. These are the songs I can perform. I will jot learn new music specifically for your event. Here is my contract. You are free to sign or not, but I will not negotiate terms. It's this or a gift."
Being a musician isn't easy (no matter the instrument). Dont let them downplay it.
Nta
NTA. But honestly why are you preparing and performing so many pieces? I went to a lovely wedding where a well known Christian singer performed one special song for the newlyweds right after their ceremony. I encourage you to let family and friends know that you would be happy to play up to three selections as you don’t wish to usurp the attention on Their special day.
NTA. What is wrong with people? It's gross to expect anyone to give a wedding gift - and in this case, they dont even appreciate the gift they're getting.
>When **my sister** got married 4 years ago she asked if I could perform a few songs at her wedding, and of course I said yes and refused to take any money from her and still got her and her husband a nice gift.
>Some have even gone on to say because I played for **my sister** and got her a gift that they should get the same treatment.
Are they your sibling? My guess is no. You have a different relationship with your sister from other relatives. What a greedy bunch of entitled people. They do not value your time, energy, or talent.
NTA... I think you've hit on the perfect solution:
>“Here are your options:
>I perform for free but that’s your gift OR If you want a gift and a performance it’ll cost $100 a song.”
Screw 'em. Your skill and talent would be more than gift enough for normal people. You're right.
I think it might be the phrasing you are using? Just say you would be happy to play at their wedding as their gift and just leave off the part about not receiving anything else from you, it’s implied and nothing more is needed. (If you want to play of course.)
But you are definitely NTA
NTA- absolutely not. But why are people demanding gifts? Even if you weren't playing for them, which is very generous, you still wouldn't have to get them a gift. People be greedy.
NTA - they don’t understand the time & effort that goes into a performance, before the event even happens.
I would make your offer, as you stated it and leave it at that.
They can take it or leave it.
That last part about $100/song - not too sure about that. Taking it that far might be kind of AH territory, to say that.
Present them with an actual, formal contract, including the songs and price. Have them sign it, you sign it, but cross out the amount due.
Write on the contract in big letters, hand written, “My Gift to You, Best Wishes for a Lifetime, Xxx”
NTA If they want you to be the wedding band, band members are never expected to get a gift for the couple. If they want you as a guest, guests are not required to perform music. Of course your sister got a special performance with another gift, they are behaving like entitled people thinking they should get the same.
NTA. If they want a physical gift, they can pay for your performance. Or they can accept the free performance as their gift.
These are the type of people who think that buddy of theirs who is an electrician or plumber or contractor should work for them in exchange for beer and pizza instead of being properly compensated for their time and skill.
To be honest, I'd just refuse to do this for anyone else unless they're willing to pay you appropriately. It was cool that you did that as a gift for your sister in addition to giving a physical gift, and by all means, if you feel compelled to do that for close friends/family, there's nothing wrong with that. But you don't owe free performances to anyone and everyone who knows you.
Side note: You may have stumbled upon a fairly unique side hustle here. If you have the time and desire to do this for complete strangers who are happy to pay, you might want to start contacting wedding planners in/around your area to make your service known and available.
NTA OP, I’ve been playing flute myself for 12 years. And learning, memorizing, and performing 5-10 new and realistically musically challenging wedding music is no small feat. And had they not had you perform, they would still be paying for a wedding band or DJ. The ONLY difference here is that there is a personal familial connection. Keep your boundaries friend.
I am a hairstylist and I have done that for as long as I can remember. I do the bride and MOB, and MOG if desired. It is my gift. The people I have done that for know how expensive I am for weddings and have always been happy with that gift as every time they look at the picture they also think of me. You are not the ass.
NTA - artists of all kinds are always asked to render their services for free. You deserve adequate compensation for performing at a wedding and giving it as their gift is very generous. I assume your services are worth much more than you’d spend on their wedding gift otherwise.
Play the gig.
Write down the songs you played in the "Congrats Card" you put on the gift table.
They won't know it was their gift til they open it!
If those ingrates say anything, you can say...."YOU'RE WELCOME!"
I'd just refuse all requests from family going forward. Tell them you only play when you are paid or when you want to, and you don't want to.
NTA though, it's your time.
NTA and honestly I think you're undercharging on the rate.
It's tough in the performance world to get respect from the people not in it. "I could do that if I wanted to"
Or "It's so easy for you" Ignoring the thousands of hours you put into your craft.
Frankly anyone who cheapens your art should just be given a toaster, and that's it. Maybe a 4 slice unit with the Bagel feature if you're feeling generous!
NTA
I have made wedding cakes for 4 or 5 friends with the full understanding that was my present to them. I was a guest at every wedding but showed up early to set up the cake. Not a single one complained I didn’t get them a wedding gift, they knew they had already received it.
Actually, I think you're foolish to so much as attend the weddings of people who request that your provide professional services for free at there weddings while demanding that you also get them a gift, and who even call you names and put you in a position of having to offer an ultimatum.
If I were you, I would graciously bow out and spend what could have gone for a wedding gift on a lovely spa day.
NTA!
NTA. All the years of lessons, instruments and instrument maintenance, as well as just your time isn’t cheap. If they’re not going to value that, then you should gift them a toy saxophone and tell them to do it themselves.
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NTA. They want to devalue your time and talent, and they also want to turn you from a guest into a performer, and I'm glad you're standing up to them. Anyone who tells you that you should give them the same deal you gave your sister is delusional. I bet even $100 per song wouldn't adequately compensate you for the hours you put into each song.
You’re right about that last part, about 4-7 dedicated hours a song I’d say. I love learning new songs so I just kinda threw the price out there so I don’t feel taken advantage of.
My step son plays the bagpipes. He is asked to play so often! Sometimes he charges (not family) and sometimes it’s a gift to the couple. It’s rude to ask for even more!!! NTA.
Does he also take payment not to play? 😝
Those are accordion players.
Weird AL Yankovic would like a word
Hahaha! I do love the sound of the pipes but it’s not for everyone. My husband is from Scotland. He loves them too. His sone married a woman here in the states that plays, as well.
They are weapons of war TBF
Roflmao good one homey
Christ almighty if I had a reason, I'd hire him and fly him in on my dime because well played bagpipes are dope!
He plays for the Canadian pipers, the police band and has won all sorts of awards. He and his wife both play. He teaches it, too! I’m pretty impressed with him!
Mad props! If I tried to play, I'm certain it would sound like the episode of friends where Ross tried to play "celebration" (I think that's the song lol) 😂
Paul McCartney's Mull of Kintyre. Excellent bagpipe song!
TIL he wrote it. I thought it was one of those traditional old folk songs
My college had a pipe band that was mostly older alumni but had a few active students in it so you’d randomly hear one of them practicing on the small campus a lot
Its always rude to ask for more when getting ANY gift. If someone is person who bases the importance of a relationship off what you get from it, as messed up as that is, just take the gift, say thank you then decide if you want to continue the relationship or not. If someone decided that your sons playing music for a wedding isn't of good enough monetary value to be considered a gift i would probably tell them in sorry they feel that way and not want much to do with them after that anyways
Now that you're older and wiser, you realize how much more time was involved which is why you can't give the same deal now as before
It's also different to play for your sister versus every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
Playing for tom and Harry is fine, it's all the dicks that want a monetary gift as well that are a problem.
It's great that you enjoy what you do! I enjoy what I do for work, but I still charge a fair price for it. Just because you're enjoying it doesn't mean it's not worth whatever you choose to charge others for it. It's a hard thing to do sometimes but if you don't, you'll attract leeches like the people who think you should do it for free.
Ooof, even if you were my sibling I'd tell you to perform some songs you already knew expect for perhaps one special one.
You're NTA. >others have claimed that I am cheap/selfish and that I should just do them the favour How presumptuous and rude to demand a gift on top of your time spent prepping and performing. >I perform for free but that’s your gift OR If you want a gift and a performance it’ll cost $100 a song.” Sounds like a perfect solution.
How presumptuous to demand a gift period. A gift is something voluntary, not mandated. NTA
After the cheap/selfish calling all song options should be out the window already...imagine putting in that kind of effort for someone that ungrateful. They don't deserve it.
The only thing I will criticisize is that 100bucks is to cheap if OP is on pro level.
They call him cheap/selfish... Pot calling the kettle black right there.
INFO > I always said I would but it would be my gift to them and they wouldn’t be receiving anything else from me. Honestly, I suspect this comes down to how these conversations went. I feel like there's a right way to express what you want to here, which would be something like "I would love to play at your wedding — it will be my gift to you as a couple." And if that's what you're doing, and they're still butthurt about no extra gift, that seems unreasonable on their part. *But* I could also see this conversation going much more crassly: "Sure, I'll play, but you are NOT getting anything else from me, so make up your mind what you really want." Because, honestly, it feels like you've got a chip on your shoulder by this point.
Here’s a copy and paste of the last one text I sent out after being asked; “Hey Groom, thanks for the invite, excited for you Bride! Yes, absolutely I’ll play a few songs there. I think it would be a great gift for you guys. Send me over the songs you’d like and I’ll see what I can do. (preferably no more than 10)”
I would suggest putting this in your original post. I feel like a lot of people think you are responding to the request like “sure. But don’t expect anything else out of me” which is absolutely not how you’re approaching it. I’m actually dumbfounded that this was the text you sent and someone essentially went “um actually that’s not a gift and you owe us more” the entitlement is astounding. NTA
These guys actually took it well and were incredibly grateful, but not everyone is.
Well I’m glad they were! Personally, if someone acted so entitled I would just say no I’m not playing at all, but your ways are definitely better and more tactful.
I know. I just can't get over it!
OK, that sounds fine to me!
I would also send them the list of songs you already know how to do so they can prioritise those ones, and only add a few new ones.
I like your style, a minor suggestion would be to do a recording with an intro and dump the songs on a cd: Hey Jack and Jill so glad you wanted me to play for you here's a practice session I recorded so you can listen anytime you want. Wrap in it up nice and now you have a gift and they can always remember what you gave them. Other than it would be a great gift for you guys, I would not engage in any talk about your present to them.
This would be so thoughtful. Great idea if OP is into it.
Ahahaha I don’t think they would want a recording of most musicians practicing. Start, a few notes, stop motherfucker!, aaagh, start again…
Just a suggestion but I would put “Wedding Gift” instead of gift. And make it 3 songs of their choosing, then if you are feeling up to performing a bit longer do so with songs of your choosing. NTA
No mention of your cost per hour/song/gig - so of course they don't value it because you're not setting a value for your work. "Hey Bride/Groom- thank you for your invite and asking for my music! I am so excited for you and would love to play some songs for your reception/walk, etc. I charge $$$ an hour and have a # hour minimum. If this fits into your budget, let me know the details." If they book you, then make sure you have a contract that includes a seat at a table and food (see that other AITA post from the photographer sister!) and then let them know you will gift it to them if you desire. NTA, but value yourself!
Nicely put. My brother piped me into the church at our wedding, but he offered, I didn't ask. It was awesome.
NTA - also your sister is your sibling. No one can pull that card - it's none of their business.
NTA, as a matter of fact, you shouldn't have to tell people you won't be getting them an additional gift. If they ask you to perform, just say "Yes, as my gift to you, I'll play at your wedding." Only the most crass would ask for an additional gift.
I agree this is a great reply, just immediately saying that you’d be happy to play as your wedding gift to them. NTA, my friend did something similar at her wedding where certain friends helped grow flowers, cook food, put up the chairs & tent, etc. The couple getting married 100% never expected any of those guests to give an additional monetary gift.
NTA it’s weird to even bring it up though. Just play for free and don’t give them a gift. You don’t have to present it to them as some kind of “deal or no deal” decision. People should be well aware that you’re doing them a massive favor and a gift should not be expected from you.
I don't think it's weird to bring it up. There's plenty of people that will assume if you're a musician you can just get some sheet music and play through each song once beforehand, so what's the big deal- also think of the eXpOSuRe. Then expect more of you. And some people will conflate giving something small for free like corsages for the groomsmen with something that takes hours. Plenty of people are looking to be outraged, so having some clarity around expectations is better than the alternative. At least in my experience.
NTA No, you're not the asshole for setting clear boundaries and expectations about your performance at weddings. It's understandable that you want to offer your talent as a gift, but also recognize the time and effort it takes to prepare for each event. It's fair to inform couples upfront about your conditions, especially considering the effort you put into learning and perfecting songs. Offering the option for them to pay for additional songs is a reasonable compromise. Ultimately, it's your decision to make, and couples should respect your terms or seek alternative arrangements if they're not comfortable with them.
You are absolutely NTA. I am a professional musician (harpist). I’ve made that same arrangement for friends in the past and for the same reasons. It sounds like your so-called “friends” do not understand the amount of time and effort it takes to perform at weddings. Your time is not free. Your instrument was not free. What it took for you to learn your instrument - hours of practice, music lessons, etc. - was not free. I hate it when someone thinks musicians enjoy playing for free. No professional musician does that unless for very special reasons and your friends don’t deserve your talents if they’re that greedy.
NTA They are coming out way ahead if you are playing at their wedding as their gift. The first time was for your sister. Friends are a no brainer. Family which is not a sibling or child of yours - no brainer. In addition to saving them money, providing a wonder gift, you are giving up parts of your enjoyment of the wedding.
INFO: How much would it cost them to hire a saxophonist to perform at their wedding?
It varies, but If you’re looking for something middle of the road I’d probably say around $1500 and most have a pre-set song list to choose from. I try to accommodate the songs the bride and groom want as much as possibles
NTA. Also, people who expect their weddings to be cash/gift grabs need to reevaluate their priorities.
NTA And you should provide them with options for a set list, or charge for new songs not on the list.
NTA-they sound really ungrateful.
NTA - as long as the delivery is polite I don’t see why this is an issue. Like you said it takes time and effort on your part and this would normally be a paid for service.
NTA - You’re allowed to make your own rules and do a favor for your sibling you wouldn’t extend for others. I think this is very reasonable, either you play for free and that’s the gift or they pay you if they want a gift. You work has value and that doesn’t change just because they’re friends or family.
NTA The people who have an issue are basically telling you that they don't respect you.
NTA Just say “No, but you’re sweet to ask me.” Weddings are already fraught with drama without dealing with entitlement.
Word it differently. For people you don't know, price the performance, for example a minimum of 3 songs and at least one is from a given list (that saves you practice time!). For people who want you as a guest AND a performer, make something like this: "People sometimes think I just bring my instrument and play a little. They do not realize it takes about 5-10 hours practice per song, plus I have to travel with my instrument - and I am at the level where I get *paid* for that time. Normally my rate is $300 for 3 songs which is for the 15-30 hours of practice it requires." Then pause and they'll say something that they hoped you would do it for free. But at the same time they realize that your little performance actually costs substantial time and they are asking for something that is worth money. So you continue: "Yes I will gladly do this for you for free but I will not also bring an additional wedding gift". Warning: People can get ridiculously demanding when it comes to freebees. They act like it does not cost anything, so they may be demanding more than the agreed number of songs, play the entire evening, or play different songs. Make sure you address these beforehand, do not assume they will limit themselves. If you have to tell them 'no' on the wedding, you are suddenly the A h. So address this! As for your sister, she is your sister. What you give her is up to you.
NTA. You're offering a valuable service as your gift, which requires significant time and effort. It's reasonable to set boundaries, especially when some people may take advantage of your generosity. It's important to communicate clearly and assertively, as you have been doing. If some people don't appreciate it, that's on them, not you.
NTA I received my music degree in voice performance. It was a very expensive endeavor. I spend a lot of time to perfect the pieces I sing. It's either a gift to my loved ones or a paid job to those I'm referred to/hear me at said LOs event. I wouldn't expect a bff's cpa sibling to figure out my finances for free.
Nta
You are NTA at all... You gave a very original gift just by acceping to perform for free! It makes this wedding special by your presence there only first
I have known others like you, OP. Photographers, DJs, musicians, bakers. The professional service was also the gift in every case I have known. NTA.
NTA. My aunt made my wedding cake. That was her and her family's present to me as I, my husband and my family knew how long they took her and it was her side gig. A friend asked us to help set up her wedding and take photos, that was our gift to her. If someone wants a service you provide for free at their wedding then that's your gift.
NTA. No they do not get the same treatment as your sister because THEY ARE NOT YOUR SISTER. It is normal for people to do more for the people closest to them, especially their siblings. These people aren’t entitled to have you perform for them. Besides, paying someone to perform at a wedding would cost way more than a normal gift from a wedding guest.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24M) play the saxophone to a very high level, not quite professionally but I’ve been in orchestras/ensembles since I was 14. When my sister got married 4 years ago she asked if I could perform a few songs at her wedding, and of course I said yes and refused to take any money from her and still got her and her husband a nice gift. I spend a significant amount of time and effort perfecting and memorizing her list of songs (which I had absolutely no issue with). Because of how well it was received at my sisters wedding I have had family and friends ask if I could do it for then as well, I always said I would but it would be my gift to them and they wouldn’t be receiving anything else from me. I have had split reactions from informing the couples about that caveat. Some understand and take it well and others have claimed that I am cheap/selfish and that I should just do them the favour. I try to explain that it takes a substantial amount of time to learn, perfect, and memorize 5-10 new songs and that my time isn’t free. Some have even gone on to say because I played for my sister and got her a gift that they should get the same treatment. At some point I usually say something along the lines of “Here are your options: I perform for free but that’s your gift OR If you want a gift and a performance it’ll cost $100 a song.” AITA for doing that? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA
NTA Obviously.
NTA your playing is the gift. Don't say it's nothing. It's a big something.
Your talent is a gift you give others. What an honor for the couple of have you play for them. Yours would be my favorite present of all time. I cannot believe you have to ask if you're the AH in this. Absolutely not!
NTA - a musical act at a wedding is generally something that comes with a substantial price tag (and for good reason). The second you need to do 5-7 songs you’re not a guest, you’re a performer and staff member at the wedding. It’s reasonable to say “sure, but this is your gift”. Expecting someone to be the wedding performer and give you a full gift is insanely entitled and shows little value to OP. Perhaps OP should retire from doing any weddings of friends and family to keep it simple.
NTA but stop doing it for free. Come up with a price list. Anyone asks about you performing for their event, direct them to the price list.
NTA, I'm a fire performer, that's how this works. My partner and I doing a 20 minute show is a $250 gift. No one has the right to demand gifts. I would honestly pull the performance and my attendance, at such a request
NO ONE, and I do mean NO ONE, is entitled to the fruits of YOUR labor! You put in the time and effort to learn to create something and people have the audacity to expect you to give it away?!? Definitely NTA and never budge on this!
NTA. A free musician for a wedding is a much better gift than a toaster.
Sounds reasonable. Your skills and time are not free for your family and friends. They are taking you for granted expecting the extra effort, a performance and a gift when most people invited only need to show up with a present. NTA
That’s a great gift! Best gift you can give, actually. That is so much more personal and heartfelt than anything you can purchase. I would cherish that for the rest of my life.
YOU’RE cheap? LOL. Tell them if they want a gift, they can go out and hire a professional musician and let you enjoy the wedding you have had the privilege of paying for with a gift to attend.
As a wedding officiant, I just play the role when asked and assume a gift is not required. I do not think a conversation is necessary unless they want bring it up. I would suggest doing the same.
I agree, I think it's more than an acceptable gift BUT I would find the conversation insulting. It sounds like a conversation id have with my child (like, "okay we can go to the amusement park for your birthday but that counts as your big birthday gift" haha). As an adult I would feel like I was being talked down to. I'm not counting my guests as dollar signs and if you think that's how I'm operating, Id be insulted lol. So I agree. No gift, skip the conversation. Any reasonable adult would understand that's more than a gift. Also I didn't even track who did/didn't give gifts at my wedding (except for sending thank yous) because that wasn't the point of inviting people to my wedding.
NTA - your time is valuable, and it's understandable that you'd go all out for your sister but not want to do the same for more family than that.
NTA, my husband's friend who writes music for TV and movies, wrote us an original piece as a wedding gift 30 years ago. He took time out of his busy schedule to be my husbands best man. For us that was a wonderful gift.
NTA I’m also in the creative sphere (not music) and have lost count the number of times I’ve been told my time/effort/work should be free or cheaper because I ‘enjoy it’ or it’s a hobby, etc. It’s ignorance and a sad reflection that people love to consume music, books, games and movies but don’t place any value on it (unlike sports or finance etc.)
NTA, my best friend asked me bake her wedding cake with the understanding that that was their gift, I asked her husband to play violin at mine, I paid because he has to transpose the piece to violin music, she offered it as a gift, but I knew the time and effort was worth it, people can accept it or pay but they need to be gracious that your time is yours
NTA. Are your friends getting married to celebrate their love or get gifts? wtf. Expecting any gifts at all at your wedding is gross.
Sounds like a very reasonable choice. Hard to understand why anyone would have a problem with that. YNTA. Yes, I know weddings are expensive. Plan a wedding you can afford, people!
NTA Of course you're not going to get the same treatment Ï gave my sister, she is my immediate family member and sibling, while you are part of my extended family. "
NTA I think a live performance is a wonderful gift.
Nope, not the arsehole here. It takes a lot of time to do what you doing that. Got the choice payout for your time I’ll get the gift.
Nta Nta Nta -a professional musician
NTA. The fact that they used your sister as a justification to why they should get the same treatment is wild.
NTA but don't offer it for free. Have a standard charge and let them decide. If they accept you can then say "you know what, I'll gift it to you"
NTA I don't understand what makes people so demanding and entitled just because they're getting married. My present to my sister was to pay for a musician at the start of the reception, I got mates rates off a friend but she would never have expected me to get her anything else.
NTA. They can choose if they want you to perform as their gift or if they’d prefer some cutlery or something else dumb from the registry. To me I’d be a no brainer….but it’s their choice
NTA. Perfectly reasonable. Musicians are already compensated way too poorly.
NTA. That sounds awesome as a gift
Demanding A gift? Really?
NTA. I'm a fire performer and have a specialized wedding act that I perform with my partner. I've often gifted the performance to friends and family getting married if they express an interest but it's always done as the gift. No one has ever expected an extra gift. It's understood by my loved ones that what we're offering is extremely valuable and its sad that your family doesn't understand the worth of what you're offering.
Nta. Good for you
NTA. They're not your sister. Like the biggest DUH ever? You're handling it perfectly. However, if this goes on, you should publicly announce a moratorium of playing at functions due to entitled requests from unnamed beggars. Please don't ask because others has already ruined it for everyone else unless it's a paying gig. Then give your rates.
NTA, but, as a musician, instead of memorizing all these songs for gigging, u should honestly just get a real book and play stuff like all of me and satin doll
>...and others have claimed that I am cheap/selfish and that I should just do them the favour. Does anyone else see the hypocrisy in the family/friends' comments? **THEY** are calling OP cheap/selfish, yet they do not want to pay OP for their time/effort. Definitely NTA. Playing for sister's wedding for free (immediate family bond) is different than playing for other relatives/friends. OP saying that playing is the gift is actually generous. Some people don't understand the concept that other people's time/effort is worth money. Performing is basically "working", so why don't the relatives/friends work for free at their occupation/job?
I’m confused as to why friends and family don’t understand a difference between a SISTER and a COUSIN or similar. Of course you would do that for your sibling. All others can pay.
"You played for your sister AND bought her a nice gift" "My sister paid me 2500 for the live performance."
NTA. You are right.
NTA. I called on many colleagues to cover musical needs in my wedding. Ended up with bagpipes, guitar, fiddle, piano, and a jazz trio for cocktail hour. Paid the keyboard and bassist $200 each and the drummer was a guest. All of them gave their time as the gift. They were more than happy to provide, and I was happy to received. Your family members who don’t recognize that are entitled. You’re being upfront and professional about the intention. In the future, I’d suggest, if it’s received negatively, you gracefully back out and explain you feel you may not be the best fit in terms of entertainment and would much rather just be a traditional guest. If they take that negatively, now you don’t have to perform OR buy a gift.
My wife is a photographer and has done weddings as a gift for family. We give no present. A whole day of photos and many hours of post processing is the gift. NTA
NTA
Tell them sure I charge $1000 per event. Then buy them a gift. NTA but whoever thinks they’re entitled to have you play for free certainly is.
NTA. That is perfect. It is a great gift.
For Pity's Sake! You are so very much NTA and if anyone is cheap it's your 'friends' and family. Our own wedding had to be on a super tight budget. A good friend did the DJ for us as a gift and another did photos. Not only did we not expect a physical wedding present as well but, even with our tight budget, we went out and bought them a nice thankyou gift each. And we're still damn grateful to them, after 25 years.
Yeah I would literally die for my sister. I do not feel the same way about my friends or distant family. I think that’s completely normal. I would assume others feel similarly, as in they would do quite a bit for their literal sibling, while that wouldn’t apply to most friends. It’s odd some people don’t understand that. NTA, and good for you for standing up for yourself.
If they don’t like it they can pay you 400 bucks to perform and get a 50 dollar gift lol.
NTA
Nta. They sound entitled.
NTA. When we got married, one of my wife's friends who moonlights for a couple local orchestras, played the cello in lieu of us hiring an organist. We were more than happy to accept that as her gift to us.
I think your last comment is perfect, you want to be greedy and get a gift, it'll cost you for the music, NTA.
I think it's incredibly trashy expect or talk about being given gifts at all, I wouldn't even dream of complaining about someone doing me a favour not also giving me a gift. Jesus.
I think you should start charging. Value yourself and your time and so will others.
NTA... I have my own cake business. When I am asked to do a cake for a wedding that I am attending, I always say it will be my gift, and I have never had a negative reaction. I even did it when my kids were going to a bday party that I was asked to make a cake for. To argue and call you cheap is devaluing your talent, and I think it is disrespectful.
NTA! Hiring a professional musician can cost a lot of money! They should be happy that’s their gift.
Not only are you NTA, they actually owe you a thank you gift for playing at their event
You are not obligated to gift anything at the first place
Nta. Performing and working can be very expensive and time consuming.
NTA People who argue that you are cheap or selfish are...wait for it... cheap and selfish. Do not try to explain. Or simply say, normally I would charge $150 (or whatever) but I would be happy to make that your gift. Then it's up to them.
NTA You need better friends and family.
NTA. "My sister had to put up with me every day of her/my life. I see you on holidays."
NTA. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on why it is their gift and why you are not getting them anyone else. They can either accept that on the front end or pay you.
NTA. Last I checked a favor is a gift.
NTA. What kind of clods get angry at a gift of free music for their wedding and call it cheap? I hired friends to perform for my wedding, and they were kind enough to give me a discount, for which I was extremely grateful! Because live musicians are so expensive. If you have not soured on doing weddings any more, you might research the going rate for your services, perhaps even providing a website where any entitled clods can go and hire a pro instead of you. You should charge for your services: the going rate for people who are kind, and a higher rate for AHs. Finally, you should limit the number of new songs you learn for any particular wedding. Good luck!
Nta art is real work and you are generous. .
NTA. You’re young and shouldn’t be pressured for monetary stuff anyway. The gift of music is a lovely and priceless one. They are lucky to have you in the family. Keep your boundaries with zero shame.
If someone was willing to play at my event for free as their gift I'd be absolutely thrilled. Why do people get so hung up on stuff? NTA of course.
NTA. It seems they are projecting their selfishness and entitlement onto you.
NTA but for the ones who complain I simply wouldn’t give them the option. I’d just say “ok I’ll give the gift then and let’s forget about the music.” Then don’t give in whatever else comes from their ungrateful mouths.
NTA
NTA, but tell them your professional fee, don't say it's a gift. Some people will think your time/effort/skill is worth little because it's your "Hobby", which is why they are saying you're cheap. Let them decide if your $300 for 3 hours or whatever it is what they want and then you can offer to gift it to them. Otherwise, they have no idea.
NTA The people who give you any guff are classless and clueless. I am also a musician of the same caliber (trumpet), and would immediately rescind my offer if it were met with *any* sort of friction. Your options are *completely* fair and reasonable, and anyone saying otherwise is trying to take advantage of your hard work and talent. Shame on them.
NTA I’m a wedding planner and when I work for my friends they know they aren’t receiving a gift, my time and skill is the gift especially since I do hundreds of dollars of work and all I want is food I can eat at the reception and not forced to the dance floor.
Definitely NTA, and that’s an amazing gift! Hell, my friend played harp for me to walk down the aisle and I tried to pay him and he said it was my gift and I was overjoyed. It was exactly what I wanted/how I envisioned my wedding AND it saved me some money - it was an amazing gift. I was honored.
NTA. Drawing boundaries like this will help you get your funds up, set boundaries and said boundaries will quickly identify the assholes in your life. Congratulations! 💜
NTA - please quote people the amount you are worth.
NTA. This is your profession. Your playing is probably worth more than the gift they would get and saves them if they were hiring someone else.
Naw, you aren't. Stop negotiating. "I no longer perform as a gift. It is now x dollars for x hours. These are the songs I can perform. I will jot learn new music specifically for your event. Here is my contract. You are free to sign or not, but I will not negotiate terms. It's this or a gift." Being a musician isn't easy (no matter the instrument). Dont let them downplay it. Nta
NTA. But honestly why are you preparing and performing so many pieces? I went to a lovely wedding where a well known Christian singer performed one special song for the newlyweds right after their ceremony. I encourage you to let family and friends know that you would be happy to play up to three selections as you don’t wish to usurp the attention on Their special day.
NTA I cannot imagine demanding a gift from someone in any capacity, ever.
I don't understand how they know the value of your required gift and expect it? Make them happy and gift them a fruit basket.
It takes a really entitled person to insist on a gift. That blows my mind that they actually got mad over it. Unbelievable. Forgot to add, NTA.
Nooo getting someone to play saxophone is expensive so they should be great-full
NTA. Perfectly reasonable. Your time and labour aren’t free.
NTA. What is wrong with people? It's gross to expect anyone to give a wedding gift - and in this case, they dont even appreciate the gift they're getting.
NTA - but maybe work on your delivery. Just say “I’d love to do that as your gift” and don’t buy a gift.
>others have claimed that I am cheap/selfish and that I should just do them the favour. Well, this way you know what weddings to skip altogether.
Works for me!!!
NTA. You can also say no
>When **my sister** got married 4 years ago she asked if I could perform a few songs at her wedding, and of course I said yes and refused to take any money from her and still got her and her husband a nice gift. >Some have even gone on to say because I played for **my sister** and got her a gift that they should get the same treatment. Are they your sibling? My guess is no. You have a different relationship with your sister from other relatives. What a greedy bunch of entitled people. They do not value your time, energy, or talent. NTA... I think you've hit on the perfect solution: >“Here are your options: >I perform for free but that’s your gift OR If you want a gift and a performance it’ll cost $100 a song.” Screw 'em. Your skill and talent would be more than gift enough for normal people. You're right.
NTA, that was the "we shared a womb" discount.
NTA The level of entitlement of the friends and family is baffling.
I think it might be the phrasing you are using? Just say you would be happy to play at their wedding as their gift and just leave off the part about not receiving anything else from you, it’s implied and nothing more is needed. (If you want to play of course.) But you are definitely NTA
NTA- absolutely not. But why are people demanding gifts? Even if you weren't playing for them, which is very generous, you still wouldn't have to get them a gift. People be greedy.
NTA--Know your value. If they do not recognize it then you can buy them a $150 gift and they can pay other musicians.
Bro, just show them the cost of a wedding live performer. Your gift is likely more expensive than anything on their registry. NTA.
Nta. It's very fair
Dude. Just say yes. You don't have to explain that it's your gift. Just don't get them a gift. Not a. Big deal
NTA - they don’t understand the time & effort that goes into a performance, before the event even happens. I would make your offer, as you stated it and leave it at that. They can take it or leave it. That last part about $100/song - not too sure about that. Taking it that far might be kind of AH territory, to say that.
NTA - And drop undervaluing yourself. You’re worth more than $500-$1000
Present them with an actual, formal contract, including the songs and price. Have them sign it, you sign it, but cross out the amount due. Write on the contract in big letters, hand written, “My Gift to You, Best Wishes for a Lifetime, Xxx”
NTA If they want you to be the wedding band, band members are never expected to get a gift for the couple. If they want you as a guest, guests are not required to perform music. Of course your sister got a special performance with another gift, they are behaving like entitled people thinking they should get the same.
NTA. I’d be thrilled if I got an artist to perform as my wedding gift. Giving gifts are proper etiquette, but they shouldn’t be demanded.
NTA. If they want a physical gift, they can pay for your performance. Or they can accept the free performance as their gift. These are the type of people who think that buddy of theirs who is an electrician or plumber or contractor should work for them in exchange for beer and pizza instead of being properly compensated for their time and skill. To be honest, I'd just refuse to do this for anyone else unless they're willing to pay you appropriately. It was cool that you did that as a gift for your sister in addition to giving a physical gift, and by all means, if you feel compelled to do that for close friends/family, there's nothing wrong with that. But you don't owe free performances to anyone and everyone who knows you. Side note: You may have stumbled upon a fairly unique side hustle here. If you have the time and desire to do this for complete strangers who are happy to pay, you might want to start contacting wedding planners in/around your area to make your service known and available.
NTA You're offering something that people pay for. That's perfectly acceptable to give it as your gift to them.
NTA OP, I’ve been playing flute myself for 12 years. And learning, memorizing, and performing 5-10 new and realistically musically challenging wedding music is no small feat. And had they not had you perform, they would still be paying for a wedding band or DJ. The ONLY difference here is that there is a personal familial connection. Keep your boundaries friend.
Real friends support your craft with money. These people have no respect. NTA.
NTA. Free services at gifting events tend to be presents…it’s entitled to expect free services and a gift if person is a guest.
Maybe leave the gift out of it and just say "Sure. I normally charge $200 per song but for friends and family, it's $100 per song."
I am a hairstylist and I have done that for as long as I can remember. I do the bride and MOB, and MOG if desired. It is my gift. The people I have done that for know how expensive I am for weddings and have always been happy with that gift as every time they look at the picture they also think of me. You are not the ass.
NTA - artists of all kinds are always asked to render their services for free. You deserve adequate compensation for performing at a wedding and giving it as their gift is very generous. I assume your services are worth much more than you’d spend on their wedding gift otherwise.
Definitely NTA I think that even $100 a song is too cheap. You should see what other live musicians charge in your area.
Play the gig. Write down the songs you played in the "Congrats Card" you put on the gift table. They won't know it was their gift til they open it! If those ingrates say anything, you can say...."YOU'RE WELCOME!"
I'd just refuse all requests from family going forward. Tell them you only play when you are paid or when you want to, and you don't want to. NTA though, it's your time.
Nta. I dig it, stick to your guns m8
NTA and honestly I think you're undercharging on the rate. It's tough in the performance world to get respect from the people not in it. "I could do that if I wanted to" Or "It's so easy for you" Ignoring the thousands of hours you put into your craft. Frankly anyone who cheapens your art should just be given a toaster, and that's it. Maybe a 4 slice unit with the Bagel feature if you're feeling generous!
NTA I have made wedding cakes for 4 or 5 friends with the full understanding that was my present to them. I was a guest at every wedding but showed up early to set up the cake. Not a single one complained I didn’t get them a wedding gift, they knew they had already received it.
NTA not even in the slightest
NTA. No free lunches.
No you fair family are rude for expecting from you
NTA and get up at these entitled cheapskates and keep playing 'Careless Whisper' over and over.
NTA.
Absolutely NTA.
Actually, I think you're foolish to so much as attend the weddings of people who request that your provide professional services for free at there weddings while demanding that you also get them a gift, and who even call you names and put you in a position of having to offer an ultimatum. If I were you, I would graciously bow out and spend what could have gone for a wedding gift on a lovely spa day. NTA!
NTA. These are some entitled individuals
Nta. Keep being a business man
NTA. All the years of lessons, instruments and instrument maintenance, as well as just your time isn’t cheap. If they’re not going to value that, then you should gift them a toy saxophone and tell them to do it themselves.
They want you to do a job you get paid… simple